Jawn Order

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, John order.

Rachel files.

It's a challenging pun.

Rachel is a stretch.

Rachel files suit against her parents, Rex and Patty.

Rex insists that Patty pronounce certain words with a proper Philadelphia accent.

Patty goes along with it.

Rachel thinks this needs to stop, especially since Patty is originally from New Jersey.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

When I was a kid, I challenged our dog, Philly's third baseman Mike Schmidt, to a hoagie-eating contest.

That's his full title, Philly's third baseman Mike Schmidt.

Or it was.

Guess who won the contest?

I did.

He hardly ate any of his.

He had like a quarter of one hoagie.

He must not have liked the bologna.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Rachel and Rex and Patty, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

Yes.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he probably never even saw that training sequence from Creed where Creed is running through the streets of Philadelphia and all the ATVs are behind him and they're all crisscrossing and he's doing his shadow boxing and much less cried at it in the theater like I did.

Yes, yes.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

It's true, Jesse.

I have not seen Creed and I accept

so hard.

I accept your judgment and my punishment

or my reward.

I will see Creed.

I apologize for that.

For that missing piece of culture in my reference.

But now, Patty, Rex, and Rachel, three litigants, three litigants in a recording studio in the 215 Baker Sound Studios in Philadelphia.

Three enter, one leaves.

Unprecedented battle of the litigants here in Philadelphia.

You may all be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one party's favor.

Can either, any of you, name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

Rachel, let's start with you.

Okay.

So if it was Mike Schmidt, that would have been in the 70s and 80s.

So if there was a kid in the 80s from Philly,

I don't know.

It's a quote from Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart.

Yes, he's from Philadelphia.

I did not know that.

Kevin Hart is the guess.

Yeah, he's about that age to have a dog.

And he, you know, the little guys can always chow down more than you would expect.

It's always the little guys who win like the hot dog.

I'm presuming that this is a person telling an actual story

about a person getting into a hoagie eating contest

with his dog, and I'm giving it away a little bit.

It is a, it is a he with his dog who is named full title, Philly's third baseman Mike Schmidt.

Not Mike Schmidt.

The dog is named Philly's third baseman Mike Schmidt, but I'll put it on Kevin Art.

That's your guess, Rachel.

Yes.

All right.

Rex, I'm going around the circle as far as I can see it down there in Philadelphia.

You're there at noon in the circle, so tell me.

Yes.

I'm going to guess that it's something that is sometimes a hoagie is referenced as a schmitter.

A hoagie is a schmitter.

Yes.

Oh, because of Mike Schmidt, Philly's third baseman Mike Schmidt.

Yes.

Well, that's an interesting piece of local color.

What is the guess of the piece of culture that I'm referencing?

That's just a thing you know about hoagies.

Oh, a cultural reference.

Yeah, it's like a movie or a TV show or a podcast or a radio show, a comedian perhaps on a radio show, or a book or a novel, or a graphic novel, or a comedian, perhaps, on a radio show?

I'm flummoxed.

You got to guess something.

Okay.

Say Creed 2.

Rocky 5.

Rocky 5.

Fair enough.

Rocky 5?

Yes.

All right.

What about you, Patty?

What's your guess?

Well, it sounds like 80s Philly because of Mike Schmidt.

And I don't know, maybe it has something to do with it.

May I just say, Patty?

Yes.

May I just say, remember how your daughter went down this same road?

Right.

80s Philly because of Mike Schmidt.

Right.

And she arrived at Kevin Hart?

Right.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's a road that two of you need to go down.

Someone's already gone down that road.

This could be anything.

This could be a movie set in the 80s.

This could be a comedy routine done by a comedian on a radio show, for example.

It could be anything from a comedian to a radio show.

Howard Stern.

Wow.

She's from Jersey.

I'm from Jersey.

To quote Tom Sharpling, ooh boy.

All guesses are wrong.

Of course, that was a quote from the character Philly Boy Roy, played by rock and roll drummer and comedic genius John Worcester as a frequent guest character on Tom Sharpling's incredible radio and podcast show, The Best Show, Philly Boy Roy was always calling up the show, giving Tom some Philly-style guff, throwing some metaphorical batteries at him.

And did I do Philly Boy Roy's accent?

The answer is not yeah, it's no.

Because I can't do a Philadelphia accent to save my life, even though my mom is from Philadelphia.

And all of her sisters have very, very pronounced Philadelphian accents.

Can't do it.

Can't do it.

It's a tough one.

It's a tough one to do.

It's a tough one to fake, which is what this comes down to.

Let me just say, I had another idea for a cultural reference.

This one's an audiophonic cultural reference.

I'm not promising that I'm going to give this one to the first person who can name who's speaking in this audio clip because I have a feeling Rex will get it.

Well, everybody wants to see their picture and we make sure that every picture gets up.

Don't forget, don't put your pictures on pieces of paper that are too big.

And don't forget when you seal up the envelope, make sure you don't seal the picture right up tight

against the envelope.

Because some people glue the envelope and they glue it to the picture, and we rip the picture all apart.

It's unbelievable.

All right, Rex, you know who that is, right?

Yes.

You could hear it, right?

Yes.

Don't wait for the translation.

Who was that?

Send your pictures to dear old Captain Noah.

Yes.

Be a pearl, little girl.

I'm old enough to remember Captain Noah just a little bit.

That's right.

Rachel, you came in.

Patty, you seem flummoxed now.

Jersey.

Jersey.

Jersey.

When I would go and visit my nan and pop-pop down in Philadelphia, and I got up early, I would watch local children's television show, Captain Noah, and his magical ark.

He could sing a rainbow.

You know what I'm talking about if you were alive as a child until 1994, which is when that show went off the air.

And why did I play Captain Noah?

First of all, Captain Noah has an incredible, incredible Philadelphia accent.

And also, I love the way he says envelope.

Envelope.

I can't even do it.

You know what I'm saying?

It's hard to do.

I wanted to give the listener a little taste of what to me is the kind of Philadelphia accent my family would speak with.

An almost delicate lilt as opposed to the harsh Philadelphia accent you hear people doing all the time on television when they don't have one.

Also, I wanted to mention Captain Noah because why?

Why do you know all about Captain Noah, Rex?

What is the family connection you have to children's television in Philadelphia?

Well, my father actually gave Captain Noah his first TV appearance when he was still a Lutheran minister on one of his shows.

My dad was a.

Captain Noah was a Lutheran minister.

Your dad was.

No, my dad was.

Yeah.

My dad was a TV personality here in Philadelphia for in the 1960s, Rex Morgan Sr.

And also he was he had a show called Morgan in the Morning and other shows, but primarily, if you're a baby boomer, you will remember him as Ranger Rex.

Okay, boomer.

Tell me more.

And he had

a series of kids' shows, used to pinch hit for the famed Sally Starr, who

ran Popeye Theater in the Afternoon, which was

a cartoon show and ran the three stooges.

So people would know him from that.

Yeah.

And you're Rex Morgan Jr.

I am.

Look, I've read your file, Rex.

I know what we're in for here.

Okay.

You've done improv comedy in Philadelphia for 30 years.

I know you're going to throw some elbows in this podcast.

A little bit.

But also, your dad had a wild life before coming to television.

He did.

Maybe you've heard of the comic strip Rex Morgan MD.

You think I don't read Josh Fruelinger's Comics Curmutchen website every day?

Of course I have.

Yes.

Well, that was named after Rex Sr.

And the story behind that was that during World War II, my dad was an Army captain.

He was chief of mortuaries in the European theater.

So he set up temporary cemeteries,

a couple of which became permanent.

But in that role, he had two claims to fame.

He was in charge of General Patton's...

funeral from selecting the casket.

And if you watch old newsreel footage, you can Rex Senior walking behind the casket.

And if you exhume Patton today and you look in his baribbon jacket pocket, you'll find my dad's business card.

So what's one claim to fame?

Well, you're saying

if I dig up...

Yes, if I dig up the corpse of George S.

Patton?

Yes.

You forgot to mention that he's mummified.

We'll do that later.

So you're saying if we exhume the mummified remains of World War II hero General George S.

Patton,

we will find a gag that your dad, the namesake of Rex Morgan MD, left for us to find when we disinterned this mummy.

I don't know if it was a gag.

It was just business as usual.

Oh, that's right.

You know, so that's one story.

The bigger story in history was that...

and much more serious was that dad was uh attended the hangings of the nuremberg criminals

who were convicted at the Nuremberg trials, all the top Nazis.

As attending mortician?

Yes.

Well,

he wasn't trained as a mortician, but he and his men were there.

So your dad, who did these things, when he went to Philadelphia and became a television personality in Philadelphia, he

did have a children's show, right?

Among other things, he started off as a show that he had called Morgan in the Morning, which was sort of like an A.M.

Philadelphia, in which he hosted celebrities that were coming to town.

It was at WFIL-TV in Philadelphia.

He had a thing called Morgan at the Movies, in which he went out onto movie sets.

And then in his latter days, he had this

kid show called Ranger X.

And it presented cartoons.

And he shared the bill for a little while with

another Philadelphia

TV personality named Happy the Clown.

They had one called Cartoon Circus.

And how many bodies did Happy the Clown mummify?

And that's my, like,

I love the idea of him going into this interview and is like, I'd like to be a television personality, maybe do some kids' work.

It's like, what have you done?

Well, I mummified George Patton and I was prepared for the hanging of Nazis.

Right.

I'm like, get it.

Hop in.

Let's go.

It's a whole different podcast is how to segue from all of that into TV.

But it's, my dad led led a very big and interesting life.

All right.

Well, let's stay with this podcast, if we will, and not spin off some new IP.

Let's stay with the Judge John Odgen podcast.

One thing I notice is that for all this Philadelphia history and your background, Ricks, I don't hear you speaking with a Philadelphia accent at this time.

Yes or no?

No, I was raised in the western suburbs.

Okay.

And it's a little bit more like Thurston Howell III out there.

A little more Locust Valley lockjaw than it is South Philly.

So, Rachel, is this why you come to us seeking justice?

This is.

As long as I can remember, my father has always

not himself pronounced the words that,

certain words in a Philadelphia accent,

but has pretended he couldn't hear my mother when she pronounced those in her natural New Jersey accent

until she would pronounce them in a quote-unquote Philadelphia accent, which, as you have pointed out, he does not have.

I do not have.

Nobody in our family has a Philadelphia accent.

And I believe that what they're doing is akin to cultural appropriation.

So, Rachel, give me an example of a word that Rex pretends he can't hear.

Well, the classic word is battery.

So, you know, like you whip a battery

at a Mets fan, right?

Right, sure.

So

how would you normally say it, Patty?

For instance, let's say I said, oh, look, the smoke detector has run out of batteries.

Run out of what?

Batteries.

A what?

Batteries.

We just did a little role play there.

Yeah.

We did some improv.

We did some improv.

Well, 30 years.

Let's take a quick recess and hear about this week's Judge John Hodgman sponsor.

We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Rex, I know that we've been on you for quite a bit, and there are other human beings in the room that I want to hear about and their lives and so forth, but I just want to cover this 30 years of improv comedy in Philadelphia.

What was the name of the troupe?

Yes, the famed Mix Nuts.

As Jay Lena once described, five guys sharing one brain.

But all proud graduates of the University of Pennsylvania.

And among them now are a dentist, a doctor, two lawyers, and me.

And what do you do when you're not a mixed nut?

I'm retired, but I worked for about 30 years in the pharmaceutical business, in the training realm.

Great.

Well, and I can understand why if you spend three decades in pharmaceutical training when you have an improv comedy background that you might try to rope your unwitting wife into doing a little freeze and justify with you in the kitchen when you just want to replace the batteries in their smoke alarm.

Patty, where are you from?

Uh, originally from Little Silver, New Jersey.

Do you know where that is?

No, I don't know where Little Silver is.

It's right next to Big Silver.

It's near Asbury Park.

How about that?

So we're talking Springsteen Country.

Exactly.

And that's not southern Jersey per se, right?

No, it's,

I describe New Jersey as a bus driver wearing a hat.

If you look at New Jersey, that's what it looks like to me with a hunchback.

And we lived on the hunchback.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

A lot of people say that New Jersey looks like

a hunchbacked bus driver.

A hunchbacked bus driver wearing a hat.

Well, he's got to wear his little bus driving hat.

Right.

Like a 60s bus driver.

Okay.

So you're up on the, all right, I got it there.

I mean, like, you know, in southern Jersey, there's a lot of overlap with the Philadelphia accent, too.

Yes.

And yet you do not seem to have a particular accent of your own.

Did you grow up saying battery instead of battery?

No, of course not.

No.

What do you think Rex is doing when he does this to you?

He's entertaining himself.

It falls into the realm of sort of that dad joke,

you know, annoying kind of thing that a husband or a father has to do.

Thank you for your confession.

I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

Yes.

Very easy to do.

All right, Rachel, what does this have to do with you?

It seems like this is between Patty and Rex.

What do you care?

What are your stakes?

What damage do you incur?

Well, aside from obvious, you know, being embarrassed by dad jokes.

Right.

You know, I have been working in Philadelphia for the majority of the last 10 years as a school teacher.

And I've heard the genuine Philadelphia accent.

And I really do think that the words that they exchange are

not at all representative of what a good Philadelphia accent sounds like.

And that they are just posturing at each other.

And it makes me upset.

Wait, you're incriminating both of them?

Well, yes, because he's the one who's begging her on.

Right.

So it's, you know, it's two can play at this game.

And they're both losing, in my opinion

yeah wow takes two to ten go right yes exactly yeah that was that was pretty good that wasn't bad it comes and it goes well and you know and i have a i have a bachelor's degree in linguistics

so all right here we go so i can hear the slight differences and uh i've gotten pretty good at you know, copying most accents

from,

you know, English varieties around the world.

But even though I am born in Philadelphia, raised in the Philadelphia suburbs, the Philadelphia accent is one that I seem to not be able to copy.

Although apparently I did have a slight Philadelphia accent when I was very young.

I was teased by my classmates because the month of my birth, I wouldn't say January.

I would say January.

But that's that I've trained that out of myself.

Well, you know, Rachel didn't seem to mind this because he's done this for decades, literally decades.

And it wasn't until she went to college and had linguistics as one of her majors that she suddenly came back and she was like all, oh, this is horrible.

You can't be doing this.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Was your objection a moral objection?

It was a partially moral objection and partially equally moral objection and annoyance objection.

What is the moral objection?

The moral objection is that my mother is from New Jersey and has no right to that accent.

That imitating accents is bad.

Yes.

And like I said earlier, it's a bit of a cultural appropriation.

Which college did you go to, if I may ask?

I went to the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York, also known for a very harsh and nasalized accent, very similar to Philadelphia, actually.

Interesting.

Yes.

And is Rochester known for its beef on weck sandwiches?

No, they're known for their garbage plates.

Garbage plates.

Sorry.

I get them all mixed up from time to time.

Yeah, the garbage plate is basically you take the ingredients of a hamburger with fries and you deconstruct it and then cover it with hot sauce.

Sounds good to me.

The Rochesterians need to do what they need to to survive up there.

Oh, absolutely.

100%.

So what do you think you learned up there in college?

Because your mom accuses you of going to college and putting on airs and then coming back.

What did you learn in college, either from a linguistics professor or talking to the children of other weird dads and realizing that there's another way to be in this life?

What was it that you took away?

What did you learn in college that

stoked this dissatisfaction that you felt?

Well, actually, I don't think it was the college per se.

I think it was the fact that at the end of my freshman year, I met my then-boyfriend and now husband,

who is from Newfoundland, Canada.

Oh.

Once again, another place with a very distinctive accent,

who was very sensitive about the accent of Newfoundland and people making fun of it.

So I think that's kind of what...

made me start questioning this game that they play.

Because,

you know, it is something that does hurt people if you're making fun of them.

And so that was something that my husband, Andrew, was very sensitive about.

And so, you know, I wanted to make sure that my parents weren't participating in something that other people might be sensitive about.

For a little bit of context here, in terms of the dad jokes, the traditional dad jokes of the provinces and territories of Canada, where do the noofies fit in?

What is the reputation of Newfoundlanders

in Canada when it comes to bad jokes?

Oh, they love bad jokes.

In a bad joke.

Oh, what would people?

Well, people would make fun of Newfoundlanders for being dumb because they do have a very distinct accent.

And what else about them?

I mean, they're not dumb, obviously.

No.

But they're very rural.

Yeah, they're rural,

fishermen's fisher people.

Canautical rural,

I guess.

Yes.

And so they were very mostly known through many years for having this almost an Irish lilt and,

you know, being fisher people on the water and,

you know, having

a less than

they were looked down on.

Yeah, they were looked down on, essentially.

They were looked down on by the city folk.

Right.

Yeah.

Now, you sent in some evidence of a Newfoundland accent.

Am I saying that correctly, Newfoundland, or is it Newfoundland?

It's actually Newfoundland, like understand.

Newfoundland, like now I understand.

Exactly.

So can we hear a little of this

Newfoundland Newfoundland?

You know, the province we're talking about.

Newfoundland.

Yeah, we have some evidence.

Can we hear a little of that audio clip?

We here at 22 Minutes think Team Newfoundland would be much more entertaining if they maintained the stereotypical cadence and humor one might expect from a team from Newfoundland.

Take a look.

Alberta throwing a nice throw.

Now Team Newfoundland coming in to deliberate their next play.

They're sad of her now, boss.

Oh, it could be worse, though.

At least your pecker's not caught in a rabbit snare up Jackson's line.

But you are, sir.

We're real good here now, me old cock.

If they reshave the kid off that one there, jammed that one in there as tight as the jeans of the preacher's wife.

That should do it.

Or if we smacks the face off he driving him up Aunt Maisie's lane, we can freeze tree for one.

Money back guaranteed.

I don't like it, boss.

What?

No, no, no, now think about it.

Okay, look here.

Now, if Fatty Arbuckle Hare gets knocked back to Wednesday, that's going to leave an exposed like Uncle Josiah Newberry up there at the gravel pin on May 24 long weekend.

So, what I think we should do, right?

Put a pig on the bridge.

Yeah.

Right?

Keep nippers out.

That way should be chinched so tight, the jigs dinner won't even make it past the goal of daybos.

I think I've heard everything I need to.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to make any sense of that for the listener.

Not for me.

I mean, I think we've really, we've really reached a new rabbit hole in the bottom of a a rabbit hole in certainly my fascination with

New England and Maritime Canada culture.

Because not only is that the Newfoundland accent

and a ton of idiom, but it's supposedly,

it's a comedy routine

of typical, stereotypical Newfoundlanders.

talking about a curling match, no less.

Right.

Am I correct?

All of those terms were describing a curl.

When you talk about fatty arbitrary, you're talking about a particular stone being slid into the house.

Yes.

Oh, curling.

Got it.

Yeah, that's a hard accent to do, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

And I could say I'm much better at that accent than I am at the Philadelphia accent.

Oh, well, it's here a little bit then.

No.

Why?

It's not something I can do on demand.

It's something that happens when I visit my husband's family.

I tend to just end up going into the lilt.

So it's not something that...

Into the lilt.

Yes.

That's one of the greatest euphemisms for getting drunk I've ever heard.

You know what?

And I'm sure everybody in Newfoundland would really appreciate that.

What are some other words that Rex thinks he gets right but gets wrong in the Philadelphia

lexical canon?

Well, I have a list.

Of course, there's hoagie.

All right.

Rex, you say it.

Well, why don't we have Patty say it since she's the one that's...

How dare you?

How dare you?

Well, I'm sorry.

I would normally say hoagie, and then I'd say, well, I don't know if you correct corrected me on hoagie.

That's very good.

Hoagie is the Philadelphian.

I'm going to tell you right now, Patty, I don't know what sick game the two of you have been playing in your house.

I mean, I know you've been isolated for a long time.

We've had a hard lockdown and everything else.

But if Rex is telling you that that's how Hoagie is pronounced, I'm not.

How do you really, how do you say it, Rex?

Hoagie.

See, most of most of the Philadelphia accent.

Hoagie.

Hoagie.

I say hoagie.

Yeah, but you don't say hi.

No,

but fluffians do.

See, did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

That's not how they say Philadelphia.

Fluffians.

Yeah.

I know what he's trying to say.

Yes.

I'm not even going to try to say the way the Philadelphians say Philadelphians.

It's hard.

It's hard.

You got to go into weird places of your mouth to say these words.

Give me another word, Rachel.

Bag.

All right.

Patty, how do you say bag?

B-A-G?

Well, normally I would call it a bag.

All right.

Rex, how should she say it?

A B-Eg.

Nope.

Okay.

Strike two.

B-Eg.

A BAG.

Put the hoagie in a bag.

A bag.

A bag.

Right.

Put the hoagie in a bag.

Right.

Yes.

Unnecessary diphthongs where there shouldn't be diphthongs.

There was that linguistics training I was hoping was going to come out.

Thank you.

Give me another.

I could do this all day.

Captain America, and I could do this all day.

Give me another.

Didn't?

All right.

Patty, how do you say didn't?

I would normally say didn't.

And then I'd say, oh, I didn't get that.

And Rex would say, you didn't get that.

Didn't.

Yeah, that's a hard one.

It's mostly, I think, dropping T's and hard D's.

De-

Yeah, so didn't, button, mountain, kitten, mitten, important.

They're all the same.

Yeah.

I've heard everything I need to.

Hang on.

Let me ask Patty.

Say this word for me, please.

I'm going to spell it for you.

It's something you use to eat soup.

Like maybe it's something you use to eat snapper soup from bookbinders.

S-P-O-O-N.

Spoon.

How do you say it, Rex?

Spoon.

No, no.

Just say it normal.

Oh, normal?

I thought I was the Philly guy.

You're not.

That's what I'm saying.

Well, all right.

Spoon.

Spoon.

Spoon.

Spoon.

Spoon.

Put the hoogie in the bag with a spoon.

That's it.

That's all there is to it.

Oh, that's there.

You go.

See?

It's nice.

You got it.

So it comes and goes.

I get excited.

I get excited.

And then what happens is I push too far and then I go off the rails.

Just like that piece of evidence that you sent me, Rachel, with Tina Faye and Jimmy Fallon in Philadelphia accents.

At the very least, you got to cut off her ponytail.

Yeah, but bare minimum, you cut the ponytail.

Got to go through tail.

When a girl someone cut the the ponytail.

Colin Just.

He brought you some ponies.

I apologize.

I love being on vacation, so my accent.

What's it here if she goes to Jamaica?

I'll accent.

Colin Just.

When a girl so much as flirted with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.

This one's not playing games.

No.

Tina Faye really knew what she was doing in that video.

And Jimmy Fallon did not know.

Well, you know, Tina Faye is from Upper Derby outside of Philly, and that's in the heart of what we call Delco, Delaware County, which is really where you find the thickest of all the thickest Philly accents.

I wouldn't even call that a Philly accent per se.

Because I feel like there's an urban Philadelphian accent and then there's a county Philadelphia accent.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What did you say about that, Rachel?

You're a linguistics scholar.

Oh, for sure.

There's definitely urban Philly and then county suburbs Philly.

The typical accent that they're trying to mimic is that Delco South Jersey accent.

But you raise an important point here, Rachel, which is that they are trying to mimic it.

Yes.

You are implicating both of them in this.

Yes.

What would you have me recommend if I were to find in your favor?

to stop them from their playing their little games together?

I think as long as they are doing it with each other without anybody else around, especially me,

that they can continue doing it in private.

You know, what happens behind closed doors in their house, I don't want to know about.

Right.

But as soon as they come out into public or if there's any guests, they have to stop playing the game.

And, you know, this

will prevent my mother from accidentally saying battery incorrectly at a job interview, for example.

Is that something that happened, Patty?

Yes, I was at a job interview and the man who was interviewing me, he was on his computer and he said, oh, my mouse isn't working.

And without even thinking about it, I said, oh, maybe it's out of batteries.

And that was the proudest day of my life.

Oh, boy.

You were at the interview with her, making sure that she said the words right.

And when she told me that, I said, my work is done here.

Well, if it is done, then you no longer need to continue.

Patty, what was the interview for?

Graphic design.

Did you get the job?

Yeah, I did.

Well, everything worked out great.

I will say this to you as well, in terms of things working out great.

Everything you said in that sentence, and I dare, I dare you listeners to roll back, hit your 30-second back button.

Everything Patty said in that sentence, except for the word battery, sounded more like a Philadelphia accent.

Closer to a Philadelphia accent than I've heard anything Rex say today.

There was some jersey.

you were in the Lilts.

You were in the Lilts.

I don't know what they're serving down there

in the studio in Philadelphia.

I'm sure they've already brought out the Bud Light or whatever.

But you were in the Lilt there in a true Jersey Philadelphia way, closer to anything I've heard so far.

How do you feel about my saying that, Patty?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm sure everybody has a mix of

accents depending on where they've been and

how long they've lived there.

I'm loving this Lilt, Patty.

Do you not agree?

I don't hear it.

It sounds just normal to me.

I kind of feel like it's something that I wasn't hearing at the beginning, but now I'm starting to feel.

You have Jersey

in the way you speak.

Yeah, I drink coffee.

I get a glass of water.

No.

You don't get a glass of water.

Water.

Water.

Well, is that an Rex?

How do you say water in Philadelphian?

Oh, that's one of the most popular ones.

Water.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

W-O-O-D-R.

That's actually one of the words that I do actually say, but only in one context, and that's when I'm ordering water ice.

Water ice.

Yeah, of course.

You get water from the tap, but you order water ice from Rita's.

Rex, how do you respond to all these

claims against your character by your daughter?

I'm used to it.

Well, I think it's all in good fun,

but she

seems to be more annoyed by it than fun.

So maybe it's I've gone a dad joke too far.

What does the Philadelphia accent mean to you?

Well, you know,

it's

I don't want Patty to feel, you know, that she's from North Jersey, that she'll ever be shunned by local Philadelphians because it's very, you know, parochial here

and that they might identify her as somebody from North Jersey who is like a New York Giants fan or a Mets fan or something horrible like that.

So, you know, I'm kind of trying to look out for her a little bit.

You're saying you're just doing this to protect your wife.

Yes.

By the way, I was hearing you go into the lilt there a little too, Rex.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah,

when everyone calms down and it's just themselves,

you get in the lilt, don't you, a little bit?

Yeah.

Yes,

I'm a little lilty.

Now, let me ask you this question, Rex.

You do this at home when it's just the two of you.

It's private business.

No one cares.

Rachel doesn't want to know.

I don't want to know.

Right.

When does this come out in public situations?

You know, I don't really think it does too much.

Not around friends or

family.

Mostly it's around, Rachel will hear it around our Sunday night dinners that we always have, I think.

That's where she hears it more lately.

But if we're out, you know, this isn't a thing that I do with Patty when we're among friends or her family.

It's just a little joke between us.

Rachel seems to disagree.

Excuse me, Patty.

Good observation.

Rachel, do you disagree?

I have definitely heard them do it in public and in gatherings.

He's in denial.

It's mostly at Sunday dinners, but yeah,

around friends and family.

They will definitely, he'll definitely do it.

Friends and family.

Yeah.

Rex, do you live in Philadelphia proper, like Center City or no?

No, we're in a nearby suburb.

All right.

Do you remember a diner called Little Pete's in Center City?

No.

Well, I'm sorry you don't remember that diner because it was one of my favorite places in the world.

And all of the weight staff was across the street from the Ramada Inn on one of the nut streets.

I can't remember them.

Chestnut, pine nut, macadamia nut, whatever.

It was near Rittenhouse Square.

And

it got demolished a few years ago.

And boy, did they have good scrapple.

And I would go there, and all of the wait staff had very thick urban Philadelphia accents.

Now, let's say you and your wife, Patty, were there getting some scrapple, and the waitress was standing there taking your order, and Patty said, I'd like a spoon with that, with that scrapple, because that's a great idea that I just made up scrapple with a spoon.

And she said, I want a spoon with that.

In front of the waitress, would you go, Say it right, say it, spoon?

Yes, right.

No, I would not.

And why do you think you wouldn't?

Now I'm starting to talk with an Irish ex- Why do you think you wouldn't play a rex?

Well, because it's not really a joke outside of our little realm.

So it's not something that I would feel a need to correct her when it's just kind of a family joke.

And plus, he never ever says, say it right.

He just pretends he can't hear what I'm saying until I say it in what would be the correct way as far as he's concerned.

I apologize for misstating the rules of the game.

I guess I'm just asking, you know, and

Rex has given his answer.

Rachel, I'll put it to you then.

Do you think your dad, Rex, and your mom, Patty, would play this game in front of someone with a genuine Philadelphia accent?

Yes or no?

I do not think they would do that.

And why do you think, and again, this is ascribing motive.

You don't live in their heads, but I'd just like your opinion,

since they seem to be unaware of the correct opinion.

Why do you think they wouldn't do that?

Because that would be mocking the person with the Philadelphia accent.

Oh, I see.

And maybe you wouldn't get a spoon with your scrapple.

Maybe you get some scrapple in your face.

Or, you know, a battery.

Or you'd hurt someone's feelings or make them feel like

they're a joke to you.

Right.

What do you think about my analysis, Rex?

Well, now I'm about to cry.

Your cry sounded pretty good.

That sounded a little Philadelphia to me.

I like that.

I mean, I don't like you crying.

Well, you know, it's the world changes, and I guess I have to change with it.

Oh, wow.

You haven't even heard my verdict yet.

Patty, how do you feel about Rex's joke?

Is it funny to you?

You know, I'm kind of a go-with-the-flow kind of person.

So

sometimes, you know, he does it, and it doesn't bother me at all.

Sometimes it's a tiny bit annoying.

Just a tiny bit.

And

it doesn't really, I don't, I don't really feel affected one way or the other.

I just kind of whatever.

You just go with the flow, yes.

Go with the flow.

No, no,

no.

No, no, with the flow.

Rachel, why not?

No, why not go with the flow?

Well,

just the way that she was trying to say it again, she was doing the diphthongs, and it's not a diphthong.

It's a flat nasal vowel.

Flat nasal vowel.

Linguist in the house.

Boom.

In the boom.

And Rex and Patty,

when Rachel critiques you in the way she just did and says you're not saying go with the flow properly, how does that make you feel?

Well, actually, I just said it like that, like I would normally say it.

So I'm not sure what...

what you're talking about.

Well, let's just say when she criticizes you in general over this issue,

she went away to Rochester, came back with some book learning and a nooofy husband, and suddenly says you can't talk the way you and play the jokes you want to or whatever, says you're talking wrong.

How do you feel?

Doesn't bother me.

I feel fine.

And just to reiterate once again, when Rex tells you to pronounce batteries a certain way, how do you feel?

Sometimes it's mildly amusing and sometimes it's mildly annoying.

I think that's true about all improv comedy, don't you?

Rex Patty says she's fine if Rachel critiques the game.

How do you feel when Rachel says, stop it, Dad?

You're being weird?

Maybe a little tiny bit guilty about doing it,

but today's conversation has maybe opened up my eyes a little bit.

But you don't feel hurt or rejected.

No.

Good.

I'm glad to hear that.

Rachel, your ideal ruling is for Rex and Patty to stop using the Philadelphia accent.

Yes.

Even in private?

You know what?

I'm going to say yes, because this way it prevents them from doing it in

untoward situations.

100%

no more.

Like when they're committing fraud.

I'm just thinking of my mom's job interview, you know, you know, making sure that they don't.

accidentally say a word that's part of their joke language

in uh front of somebody who might be offended.

And as damages, if I were to rule in your favor, you would like them to donate to a charity called Fill Abundance.

Yes.

What does that charity do and how much money

do you want them to give?

Well,

it's actually a charity that collects food for the needy.

And one of the parents at my school is one of the main people who runs it.

So basically, I want them to go through their cabinets and find all the extra jars of peanut butter, extra cans of soup, and extra cans of sauce, whatever they have that's in their cabinets that they can donate to Phil Abundance because my mom does tend to hoard a little bit of those soups and products and just give it a little clean out and that way they will pay that as a retribution, as it were.

Patty, you got a little too much soup and sauce in your cupboard?

Actually, I just went through a bunch of soup because we had some colds.

I had to buy more more soup.

Rex, before I go into my chambers to consider my decision,

what does this remind you of?

Philadelphia.

An announcer.

An announcer on television.

John Fasenda?

Sure, I guess so.

Yeah.

I was hoping you would know.

Yeah, that is.

All right, I'm going to go down the shore to my town, down to Ocean City to my summer chambers for a moment.

I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Rachel, how do you feel about your chances in this case?

I feel like I presented a solid argument and

I made my dad cry, which made me sad.

But, you know,

that's what happens in a father-daughter relationship sometimes.

You know,

your father just gets really proud of his daughter bringing a case to to him in a fake internet court.

It's happened to all of us.

Patty, how do you feel?

I feel fine.

You know, it doesn't matter to me one way or the other.

You come out of it a winner no matter what.

That's right.

That's right.

Either sometimes not annoyed or sometimes

no one's yelling at me for doing

what I was doing.

Doing a bit with your husband that you love.

Exactly.

Rex, how do you feel?

Well, I felt good when I came in earlier today.

And,

you know, I kind of felt good about the Phillies' chances against the Astros.

And that's sort of where I am now.

So not feeling really good.

No.

When you named your comedy group Mixed Nuts, was Mixed Nuts already like the go-to joke of what a comedy group would be named?

You know, this is in 1978,

so probably not.

Yeah, you were ahead of the curve on naming things Mixed Nuts.

Yes.

And it actually was,

we were sitting around trying to come up with a name.

And do you remember the tin can of

fancy nuts that you would open up and it would spring out a big giant snake?

Those little tin cans.

Well, that's,

how about if we call ourselves the fancy nuts?

And I was like, no, no,

we'll go with mixed.

How about mixed nuts?

All All right, yeah, that's what it was.

We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the case.

What have we got upcoming?

Well, Jesse, we are just shy of one month until December 17th.

And you know what that means?

Saturday night in Turner's Falls, Massachusetts.

That's right.

The Hodgmonte Holiday Spectacular.

Monty Belmonte and I, your judge John Hodgman, are going to be doing a live holiday show at the Shea Theater in Turners Falls, Massachusetts.

You can get there from New York City very easily on the Amtrak Vermonter line, just about an hour and 45 minutes west of Boston, and also accessible from Albany and Springfield.

Everyone should converge upon Turner's Falls, the Shea Theater.

It's not just going to be me and Monty.

It's also going to be Jonathan Colton.

Our old friend Jonathan Colton is going to be performing with us.

As well as Ding Dong, who's that at the door?

That's right.

Gene Gray, your guest bailiff, and Polymathic, beautiful, amazing genius.

Gene Gray is going to be there as well.

It's going to be a night to remember, at least until Sunday night, Saturday, December 17th at 8 p.m.

at the Shea.

All proceeds go to support the Shea Theater, which is a terrific community theater there in Western Massachusetts, a place that needs a community theater, that's for sure.

You can get your tickets by simply googling Hodge Monty.

I just checked it.

The first thing to come up is the Hodge Monty Holiday Spectacular.

That's H-O-D-G-M-O-N-T-E,

H-O-D-G-M-O-N-T-E.

I didn't make a bit.ly because you're too smart for that.

Jesse Thorne, what do you have going on in your life and times?

Well, there are always new old items going up in the Put This On shop.

If you need a holiday gift for someone you love, go to putthisonshop.com.

We're also sharing a lot of our stuff going out the door before it even makes it into the shop on Instagram.

So follow put.this.on on Instagram.

Keep an eye on our stories.

There are lots of really cool things.

This week, for example, I just shared a bunch of vintage Scottish cashmere sweaters.

You could have got them, but they're gone now.

So make sure that you're following for the next great flea market find on Instagram at put.this.on.

And Judge Hodgman, you know, there have been people writing to me about our put this on dad hats for,

I don't know, a century since we sold out of them almost immediately upon having made them a few years ago.

And all I got to say is Norma the hat maker is back on the case.

She's making some new ones right now.

They are a very special product, handmade one at a time with leather bands and beautiful wool flannel.

And

they are in the process of being manufactured.

So keep an eye on this space.

If you're one of those folks who wants one of our famous dad hats that say dad across the front,

you know, keep listening.

Put thisonshop.com.

Use the code VintageJustice for free shipping on almost anything in the store.

Instagram.com/slash put.this dot on.

Put thison shop.com.

Let's get back to the case.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Well, first of all, I find against Rex for

not naming his group the Fancy Nuts, which is funnier to me than Mixed Nuts,

but not quite as funny as what it should have been, which is Spring Snakes and Cans.

That's a good name for a thing because

it's complicated and difficult to say, much like Judge John Hodgman.

I can't even say the name of this podcast anymore, and it's my name,

Judge John Jodgman

Newfoundland.

It's got a nice lilt to it.

It's got some lilt.

Spring snakes and cans.

That's what it should have been called.

As far as the issue at hand, look, we're in an uncomfortable zone here because there is no question that, like all regional accents, they are not purely regional.

They are often associated with and spoken by

certain communities, certain economic classes of people, certain people with different educational levels, certain people of different races, and so forth.

This is tricky stuff.

I don't think that there is any harm intended, obviously.

There's no harm intended, you know, when Rex says, hey,

or however you say it.

But it's something to be, I think Rachel brings something important to think about, which is there's an instinctive reason why you don't do your Philadelphia accent jokes in front of people who actually have Philadelphia accents and live in them.

because you're turning into sketch comedy what is someone else's life.

You know, I don't know whether John Worcester would go into Little Pete's and do Philly Boy Roy and Little Pete's.

It's disrespectful to a degree.

It's loving mockery, but it's mockery.

This is a vague area.

Obviously, I have no problem with people doing fake Philadelphia accents for comedy.

I opened with it.

I love the accent.

I love my family who speak with the accent.

I would love for them to make fun of me for the bad versions of it that I did.

So Aunt Beth, if you're listening, send me a voicemail and tell me what a failure I am at it.

Or alternately, if you're listening and you think that I'm wrong on this and we shouldn't be, shouldn't be saying hoagie at all, let me know.

But I think that it's something to be sensitive to.

The other thing to be sensitive to, Rex, I'm not just going to scold on you, Rex, but I'm just saying.

When you are with your loved one,

if you say, you don't mean spoon, you mean spoon or something like that.

That's That's one thing.

But playing the game where it's like, I don't understand what you're saying.

Would you care to repeat that?

I mean, I think you're lucky that Patty doesn't seem to be too bothered by it because for me, it would really get on my nerves.

I think that's a game where the other, it's a little bit closer to bullying and teasing than it is just having fun together.

So all of that said is, I'm glad that you cried a little bit.

I can't tell.

I'm looking at you in this video conference.

You're way far away from me.

I don't know whether you had real tears or not.

Can you speak to that?

You said that you were crying.

Well, no, I was.

No.

I'm glad you had some fake tears anyway.

I'm glad we had a chance to think about it and talk it all through and air it out.

And I agree that Rachel shouldn't have to put up with this.

I appreciate why, particularly Rachel's husband, who has

an accent that is not merely a little lilty, but also that one is culturally associated in Canada with being a rube and a dummy.

It's a little bit maybe unnerving for him to hear you guys

do a little parody of the Philadelphia accent.

I think it's fair that you should not play the game in front of them.

I think that all's fair in love and closed rooms in terms of doing the accent at your house between the two of you.

That's part of your life.

And

Patty, you know, blink twice if you need help.

But if you're cool with it,

if you're cool with it, you go ahead and you just find a way to get him back sometimes.

I mean, what you can tell him is next time you say hoagie and he says, no, say it he,

you just say to him, neither Judge John Hodgman nor I understood what you just said.

Don't know what that word, that noise is that came out of your mouth.

So I will not rule in your favor, Rachel, because only insofar as they got to keep it away from you and that's fine.

I think you overreached a little when you asked for me to ban them doing it at all forever.

Okay.

I mean, fair enough.

No, we're all trying to get by here.

There's a lot we have to process.

We're all trying to entertain ourselves some way.

And it's become such a habit.

I don't know if we could stop doing it like

just in the house.

That's just he just does it all the time.

I think what would be beautiful is if you actually went out there and did some field work, Patty, and really, I mean, I think you're, you're primed to be able to speak the Philadelphia accent perfectly, not Rex's way,

not Rex's sketch comedy way.

But that's up to you.

In the meantime, I will donate to Phil Abundance, though I will not compel your parents to do it, Rachel.

Oh, I'll appreciate that.

I usually do around Thanksgiving.

You do anyway.

That's true.

They do anyway.

Yes.

And if there are any Philadelphians listening, I would suggest they also do it as well as a tribute to the great Philadelphia accent.

All right, we'll see if they agree with you.

Maybe they'll just send you batteries in the mail.

Until then, this is the sound of a gavel.

Send your pictures to dear old Captain Noah.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Rex, how do you feel?

Well, you know, not a lot has changed other than I can't do it in front of Rachel anymore, but perhaps I'll be a little bit more circumspect.

And at least now it's a little bit more on my radar as something that might be offensive.

Since previously you had only heard that from your child.

Yes.

Yes.

Exactly.

Patty, how do you feel?

Oh, I feel fine.

Again, you're cool with it either way.

I'm cool with it either way.

Yeah.

Rachel, how do you feel?

You know what?

I think that's a fair ruling.

I look forward to never hearing that joke ever again.

Well, all three of you, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you very much.

It's been great.

It's been fun.

Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books.

In a moment, we will dispense some swift justice.

First, our thanks to At Lex Fry on Twitter for naming this week's episode Jaw and Order.

If you want to name a future episode, you can follow us at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

You can also hashtag judgejohnhodgman tweets, hashtag jjho.

We're chatting about the show on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com.

You can check out the evidence and photos from our program on Instagram at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman or on the episode page for this week's show on maximumfun.org.

Make sure to follow us there on Instagram.

This episode was recorded by Jeff King at Baker Sound Studios in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Our editor is Valerie Moffat.

Now, Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment.

Twitter user at not that channing says, How many weighted blankets do we need?

My fiancé currently has one per couch, but wants to up it to one per room.

Wow.

My first instinct is you'd only need one for your bed to help you sleep.

And if you need it on the couch, just bring it in there.

But then I remembered weighted blankets are heavy.

Maybe that's why you need one per room.

If you need to have one in every room, you don't want to be carrying them around.

I'm going to say for a household of two people, three weighted blankets total.

If you have three people, same.

Four people, same.

Five people, four.

Six people, same.

Seven people, five.

Eight people, same.

Nine people, same.

Ten people, six.

How many if your house qualifies as a compound?

If you have 10 people and six weighted blankets, that's a compound.

11 people, same.

12 people, seven.

13 people, same.

You can do a mathematical analysis of how this works.

It's called the weighted blanket sequence.

There is an equation to it.

20 people in your compound, 13 weighted blankets.

That's all I have to say about that.

And hey, not that Channing and their fiancé.

We love all people who are married, partnered, and affianced.

But boy, oh boy, do we love disputes also between brother and sister, sister and sister, step-sibling and step-sibling, half-brother and half-sibling.

Moms and dads, obviously, we just had one

this very week.

But

if you've got a sib dispute, or a cuz dispute, what about a cousin dispute?

I'd love to hear a cuz dispute.

A cousin dispute would be incredible.

A second cousin dispute?

Third cousin twice removed dispute?

I feel like we don't get enough uncle disputes.

What about an unvuncular dispute?

Or an antal dispute?

Is that how do you say antal?

I don't know, but I like that.

Fraternal or sororal, avuncular or antal, however it might be.

Extended family disputes.

Let's have some family feuds.

If you have a dispute with Steve Harvey and he's willing to come on the program, we'd love to hear that.

Survey says family feud disputes, be it siblings, steps, halfs, nibs, aunts, cuz, whatever it might be, send them in.

And also, we want to hear them all, all your disputes.

Hey, if you're, if you have a dispute with your fiancé, don't stop, send it in.

If you're a dispute with your, if your spouse, don't stop, send it in.

We'll take anything, right, Jesse?

Yeah.

Maximumfun.org slash JJ H.O.

Submit them.

That's maximumfun.org slash JJHO.

Remember, big or small, we judge them all.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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