Skip The Almonds, Flush The Toilet

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week to clear the docket.

And with me is a man who I'm somewhat concerned does not sing The Freaks Come Out at Night by Houdini inside his head all the time, which I thought was normal.

Judge John Hodgman.

That's because I'm always saying in my head, the bridge is over, the bridge is over.

The bridge is over, the bridge is over.

KRS1, knowledge reigns supreme.

Almost.

What is it?

Over nearly everyone.

Not some people.

There are some who reign supreme over knowledge.

But knowledge reigns supreme over nearly everyone and KRS-1 reigns supreme above all.

My name is John Hodgman talking to my friend Jesse Thorne and our friend Jennifer Marmor over teleconference.

I'm a little giddy, you two.

A little giddy.

You know why?

Why is that?

Here in Brooklyn, it's been very cold and gray for a long, long time.

Spring has sprung.

Windows have been flown open, unless you're doing a podcast in which you got to close them again, which is what I did because I'm a professional.

The other day, that cardinal that comes around during the spring, because my desk faces the window, cardinal comes around, landed on a satellite dish on the building across the way.

It was an incredible thing.

And Jesse, you know what the incredible thing that happened in spring?

Spring is when we come alive again and we open ourselves, ideally, to new things and new adventures.

And I did.

I opened myself to a new adventure, a new dangerous adventure.

You know what I did?

What's that?

I told my neighbor to shut up.

Wow.

Yeah, it was incredible.

In so many words?

No, I was very polite about it.

Oh, okay.

The past few times that we've recorded, Judge John Hodgman, the new neighbor who has the room next door to me here, next to my office, they have been playing some really

not bad late 80s, early 90s jams.

with the bass pumped up real loud.

And while producer Jennifer Marmor would always say, I can't hear it, right, Jennifer Marmor?

Yeah, that's right.

And I take your word for it, but I can hear it.

And it was very distracting to me.

You weren't ready for this.

You're right.

I was not ready for this.

So the other day, right before we were going to record, they started pumping the bass again.

And I did what I thought was impossible.

I knocked on the door and asked them to turn it down.

Not once in my life in New York City have I ever done such a thing.

Because A, I feel like enduring noise is part of the cost of living in New York.

And B, I'm a scaredy cat.

I'm scared.

I was scared to do it.

And you know what they said, Jesse Thorne?

What's that?

Yeah, no problem.

It's just that I record a podcast.

This time every week, I'm like, yeah.

I said, well, make sure that it's quiet every week, this time every week.

It was really wonderful.

And then the other neighbor who's in the other building, whose door I can't knock on, started literally practicing their stand-up bass again, which is the other thing that happens.

Well,

he's got to do what he's got to do if he wants to make it into the Brian Setzer Orchestra.

Sorry, it's not a stand-up bass.

It's a highly amplified electric bass.

Oh, okay.

And it was great that day when they were constantly playing the bass theme from the show Treme.

But more recently, it was some tune that I never even heard of.

Immediately after coming back, I was like,

And that's why,

well, it's not the only reason why, Jesse, but you know what?

I'm quitting.

Life change.

Podcasting?

This is the last episode of the podcast.

Holy cow.

You know why?

Why?

I'm dedicating my life to playing SimCity on Twitch.

That's my new career.

Fair enough.

I started doing it during the Max Fun Drive.

And all I do is just sit there and play SimCity.

And people come into the chat and they're like, what are you building?

And and I say, Oh, you know, I do a Bob Ross style.

I'm just zoning some happy little residential neighborhoods, and now I'm going to zone some happy little industrial neighborhoods.

Go ahead and bring this street right out to here, and I'm just going to plop a coal power plant, and that's going to be our power for today.

It's so satisfying.

People give me little suggestions about what to do.

I can't give it up, Jesse.

I'm not quitting the podcast.

Why would I ever?

I need to talk to my friends, Jesse and Jennifer, once a week and all the other podcast friends out out there.

But boy, oh boy, is it exciting to sit down and stream some SimCity?

You know, it seems great until you run out of Simoleans.

Jesse,

I don't mean to brag, but I'm sitting on 7 million Simoleans in my city right now.

What are your tax rates?

I'm a Simoleonaire.

What you got to do, Jesse, is you got to bump it right up to 11% across the board, residential, commercial, and industrial.

If you bump it up to 11% and they move in, they don't know that it could ever have been lower.

Because Because the Sims, Jesse, my little citizens, they're not very smart.

That's incredible.

Anyway, I'll be doing the joy of zoning my SimCity Twitch stream every Monday at May at 9 a.m.

Spectacular.

I love it.

But I'll always be here to provide justice with my friends, Bailiff Jesse, and Jennifer Marmor, no matter what sounds are going on outside.

Here's something from Chris.

I'm in a dispute with my adult son.

Does one drink soup or eat soup?

My son, Evan, says we eat it.

And Chris uses the pronouns she or her.

So I will refer to this as Evan's mom.

Jesse Thorne, what do you think?

Is mom right or wrong?

This is a classic early Judge Sean Hodgman dispute.

One of the first, of course, was, is chili a soup or a stew?

This is a dispute where someone comes up with a weird justification for why their thing is right,

and then

they so desperately want to explain it.

They got a whole thing worked out and they want, oh, I want to get this out there.

Meanwhile, everybody else is like, why do you, why'd you spend all this time thinking of a thing?

We have a way we do it that everyone is fine with.

I have to disagree with you on one point.

One thing that makes this less of a classic Judge John Hodgman dispute is that it is two sentences long.

That's true.

Normally when someone comes up with a scheme why something should be called X instead of Y, which everyone's been calling it forever there's usually about 17 paragraphs i will give it to chris that she kept it short specific and to the point i thought you were just going to say what about consume what about consomme i mean i think your bone broth you you probably drink your bone broth right i would say that you drink a broth yeah yeah maybe a tomato soup i have to say i controversially Even if you put tomato soup in a mug, I guess if you're sipping it from a mug, you're technically drinking it.

Let me put it this way.

Under normal circumstances, if you're using a spoon, you eat tomato soup.

You eat tomato soup.

Similarly, you enjoy tomato soup cake, but it surprises you.

And finally, you discard tomato soup salad.

Jesse, I don't think you were on for our holiday special where I and Jennifer and Joel Mann up there in Maine, the main man, taste-tested our listeners' favorite and strangest holiday recipes.

I don't think you tried the tomato soup salad that was sent in by listener Will.

I was suffering a migraine headache that day, and

honestly, it sounds like you may have been suffering more.

The Will's family traditional tomato soup salad, which was probably rescued from a like 1950s cookbook because it's a gelatin salad, is a can of cream of tomato soup, two packets unflavored gelatin, four ounces cream cheese, a three-quarters of a cup of mayo, and a bunch of chopped green pepper, onion, and celery.

You heat it all up together, melt the cream cheese in it, add the mayo, and then let it solidify for four hours, and then you slice it and you put it on a sandwich.

You know, spring is a time for adventure.

Hold on.

I got caught up in the first half of that, and I just caught up with the second half.

You slice it and put it in a sandwich?

Yeah, you can slice it and put it in a sandwich.

You can put it into a ring mold and serve it over like a bed of lettuce, and then people can take their own slices in a little bowl or a plate.

Or you can just grab some white bread, slather it with mayonnaise, and put your tomato soup salad into a sandwich.

That was Will's traditional day after holiday treat that everyone was always running to the kitchen to see if there was any more of that tomato soup salad left.

And I applaud them.

for their tradition.

I applaud us for giving it a try, but now it is in the garbage.

But sorry, mom, you're wrong.

You eat soup, right?

I agree.

Like, we agree there, right?

Just of course.

You eat soup.

You don't drink soup.

And it's got solids and it's got a, and it's got a little ladle, aka a spoon.

Forgot what a spoon was there for a second.

You were eating it.

Here's a case from Susie.

Dear Judge John Hodgman, my husband teaches law school.

He has a student who reminds him very much of you, both in looks and demeanor.

He wants to tell this student about this, but I don't think he should.

While it should be obvious that being compared to you is a compliment,

you never know how people will respond.

For example, women used to tell my dad that he looked like Harrison Ford all the time, and he was offended because he doesn't like Harrison Ford.

Please enjoin my husband from telling his student they remind him of you.

Doesn't like Harrison Ford.

Who doesn't like Harrison Ford?

Well, maybe if you knew Harrison Ford personally, he rubbed rubbed you the wrong way, or maybe he divorced you.

You probably could be a little peeved at Harrison Ford in that case.

Maybe he did a bad job building your deck in the early 70s.

Yeah, that's right.

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe he made the steps too high on

the hot tub frame that you had built in Southern California in the early 70s.

I once interviewed Sergio Mendez, the legendary Brazilian musician.

Right.

You know who built his home studio?

Harrison Ford?

Yeah, you got it, baby.

Wow.

That's incredible.

Well, I don't know what.

I mean, maybe Susie's dad is someone who worked closely with Harrison Ford.

Maybe Susie's dad is the actor who played Belloc in Raiders of the Lost Ark, his archenemy.

And if someone told me that I looked like Harrison Ford,

I would think they were lying.

I would not find it.

That would not be good.

In general, this is very, very dangerous territory.

Of course, Jesse, you know that our friend Tom Sharpling, the host of the best show at thebestshow.net, one of the great weekly comedy talk shows of all time, has a long-standing bit of settled law, which is never, ever tell anyone that they look like someone else, whether it's a celebrity or not, because

there are so many ways that it could go wrong.

You know, like, for example, when I went up there on my birthday to Toronto several years ago to record five episodes of Canadian Match Game in a single day, one of the great days of my life.

One of the reasons I had such a great day was that on the

last game of Match Game, they handed out vodka in Styrofoam Cups to everybody because

they wanted to create the loosey-goosey 70s feel of the old match game.

And also because Darren Rose was the host.

Now, Darren Rose is an extremely funny Canadian comedian.

And the moment that you see him,

you would say, say, as I said to myself,

oh, there goes Jason Sudaikis.

I sent you both a link in a text message.

You can check out Darren Rose.

I mean, Darren Rose looks like himself,

but there's a little bit of the Sudaik in him, right?

Wouldn't you say?

Yeah, he's definitely got some sadaq vibes.

Yeah, definitely got some sudaque vibes.

Very handsome guy, very funny guy.

And I, heeding the words of Tom Sharpling, stopped myself from saying this because I realized, has he heard it before?

Probably.

Is it a compliment?

Sure, Jason Sudaik is a very handsome man, but is it the comparison that Darren Rose has had to face not only his entire personal but probably professional life, and it maybe will make him very difficult for him to move forward in his career because he looks just like Jason Sudaik?

What would be good about me reminding him about that?

How is it a compliment

for the guy in my garage to say repeatedly, hey, you know who you look like?

Hitler, which happened.

That's not good.

Obviously, comparing someone to Hitler is never a compliment.

That's why it seems so strange that the guy in my garage thought it was so funny to say it to me over and over and over again.

Everyone is an individual person.

They look like who they are.

And I think, Jesse, that if this law professor were to say to his student, you look like John Hodgman, the most likely thing that would happen is confusion and befuddlement and worry on the student's part because he has no idea who I am and why should he?

Moreover, the student would now feel nervous that they don't know who John Hodgman is and their law professor does.

They're going to feel anxious and compared.

Why feel compare anyone to anyone?

This student is whoever he is and no one wants to feel scrutinized.

When you go up to someone and say, you know, you look like someone else, particularly if it's your student,

that means you've been spending a little less time looking at their papers and a little more time looking at their faces.

And that's a weird place to be.

So, no, under no circumstances, Susie, should your husband tell him that he looks like me.

I don't think that that could be construed as a compliment in most universes.

And also, it just

doesn't respect the student's individuality.

They're who they are.

I'm going to offer a corollary rule.

I appreciate that.

Nicholas Lowry of Swan Auction Galleries.

Yeah.

Famous as the poster expert on the Antiques Roadshow.

He's known on the show sometimes as Nico.

Doesn't look like anyone we know.

He does not look like anyone we know.

That's it.

Just wanted to lay that out there.

Just

everyone needs to know that.

Yeah, just FYI.

Let's take a quick break to hear from this week's partners.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are clearing the docket this week, and we have here a case from Matt.

We live in drought-stricken California.

To save water, we practice the tenet: if it's brown, flush it down.

If it's yellow, let it mellow.

The majority of our family always shuts the toilet lid to spare others from the sights and smells that can arise from the mellowing process.

But our 18-year-old son refuses.

Neither gentle requests nor laminated signs nor threats of withheld Wi-Fi will persuade him.

Please order my son to close the toilet lid.

The detail in this letter that strikes me is laminated signs.

Laminated signs.

I understand that probably they're talking about the bathroom is an overall moist environment, so you're going to want to laminate that sign.

Or that they have a laminator, so they're going to want to laminate literally everything in their entire house.

That's true.

Would you like a laminator, Jesse?

I'm sincerely worried.

My mom got a laminator when I was in my late teens.

Yeah.

And all of a sudden, literally everything in our house was laminated.

And my mom isn't even like, if you're picturing like a careful mom that puts labels on things,

not my mom.

Right.

She just was struck by laminator mania.

Laminia is a serious issue.

Yeah.

So are you saying yay or nay on the laminator?

Because I'm my mouse is hovering over the buy and send option right right now.

I'm going to stick with my pebble ice maker.

Yeah, but

there might be another time when I have to get you a gift.

Like, have you ever had a birthday?

That could be happening.

I have had a few

in my 41 years.

Couldn't tell you how many.

Can't remember.

Would your kids enjoy a laminator?

Too much.

Way too much.

All right.

You're getting a laminator.

Jennifer Marmor, you want a laminator?

I can get a deal on them here.

No, thank you.

You're getting one.

I'm also sending one to HQ.

The thing about the laminated sign made me wonder, why is it laminated?

You're right.

It's curious to imagine that they have a laminator.

It's an exciting luxury.

But also, are they laminating the sign because they're going to put it in the toilet bowl?

Is that what's happening?

By the way, there are very few.

I get it.

It is important to conserve water, especially especially in California, but indeed all over this big blue marble we call the earth, floating in space.

And at the same time,

conserving water can be disgusting.

This is a terrible, terrible poem.

If it's brown, flush it down.

Already I'm disgusted.

If it's yellow, let it mellow.

Now I'm disgusted in two different ways.

Because one,

mellow comes out of a kind of hippie lingo that includes like grok,

already inspiring generational reflexive disgust.

So you're saying

this is a poem that could appear in like the whole earth catalog?

Yes, exactly.

And I have no problem with that ethos.

Do you know what I mean?

But I was raised in a time where we just have a reflexive dislike of

the hippie ethos.

And also, does it mellow?

Does it ever mellow?

I would argue no.

I mean, you're going to have to take it up with my counselors at St.

Dorothy's Rest Summer Camp because this is stuff I learned when I was eight years old, along with the song One Tin Soldier.

The law of the land was to let it mellow if it's yellow.

Yeah.

It stinks.

I've let it mellow.

Jennifer Marmon, does it stink?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Yeah.

I hate it.

We do this, John, at my house.

This is the rule at my house.

Yeah.

I hate it.

I don't complain about it because

I

respect the values inherent in this plan,

but I do hate it.

I hate the idea of looking at the pee of others.

Yeah.

And I feel in my heart, and I don't know if this is true, I haven't done the math.

I feel in my heart that I should be able to flush as long as I eat like four to six fewer pistachios per year.

Like a carbon offset for

water.

Yeah.

A urine offset?

Skip the almonds, flush the toilet.

You know, here in California, we are constantly wrestling with the possibility of drought or in some cases, the reality of drought.

But

home water use is like 4% or something of our total water use.

Almost all of our water goes directly to dates or whatever.

Right.

It all goes into droops and legumes, but it's still valuable.

I mean,

I think it's still valuable.

The reason that we have an aversion, I think, to seeing other people's urine is that we're supposed to,

biologically, we urinate and defecate alone.

It is our most vulnerable state.

And that is why we do not poop where we sleep, right?

Traditionally, that's how the saying goes, the other saying.

Because you don't want to leave traceable, smellable evidence.

of where you are because predators will come and get you and eat you up.

So seeing someone else's urine urine there is just like,

it ruins the illusion of what the bathroom is supposed to do.

And you say to yourself, oh, I might as well be peeing in a bathroom at this point.

This is a latrine.

This is where people pee, as opposed to the proper illusion of the bathroom, which is, here is a futuristic clean space where no one has ever been.

And wherever evidence of your passing, literal and figurative, shall be erased immediately by a flush.

But if you are going to let it mellow,

dude,

put the lid down.

Obviously, everyone in this house knows this, but this kid.

So, why is this 18-year-old kid refusing to put the lid down?

I am the only parent of a teenager here, so I know the answer.

But, Jennifer Marmor, Jesse, you want to take a guess why an 18-year-old kid doesn't want to put the lid down on his own pee?

Yeah,

because to quote D

from The Real Housewives of Dallas, Deandra Simmons' mother,

he doesn't give a dog's rip.

All right.

I'm writing it down.

Just doesn't give a dog's rip.

Let the record reflect that Jennifer is

undergoing what can only be described as peals of laughter having turned off her microphone.

Her own self-delight

is boundless.

She tried to take a sip of coffee and failed.

People wanted to hear more of me.

This is what they get, baby.

Absolutely.

And let it be known that Jennifer Marmor, who is a fan of the Real Housewives, is actually wearing a white satin dress and is drinking a big glass of white wine.

Thank you.

Just Thorne, the guess on the board is the 18-year-old just doesn't give a dog's rip about what the family rule is.

Do you agree?

Do you disagree?

Do you have another theory?

I disagree entirely.

What's your theory?

With all due respect to Dee from the Real Housewives of Dallas,

he certainly gives a dog's rip.

Gives a dog's rip.

In fact, this is a display of dominance.

He has become a man, and he is demonstrating his defeat of his family

by urinating in their toilet and putting it on display.

I have to say, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

I have to say, I believe that Bailiff Jesse Thorne is very close to the mark.

In In fact, indeed, that's correct.

It is a display of adulthood and dominance, and I don't need to follow your rules, and I make my own rules.

It is also equally, I would add only, he's marking his territory.

He's marking his territory with urine, like a lot of disgusting mammals do, like an unfixed cat does.

He's saying, this is where I pee, y'all.

You're going to smell my pee because this is where I pee.

I'm a grown-up.

And I pee here.

Marking his territory like Jack Nicholson in the werewolf movie Wolf, which came up recently,

when he pees on James Spader's shoes in the bathroom of the publishing company where they both work.

You ever see the movie Wolf?

I have.

It sounds great, though.

Jack Nicholson turns into a werewolf, but this is all cover for what ultimately ends up being a power struggle within a book publishing company.

And he pees on James Spader's shoes, and then he bites him.

And spoiler alert, James Spader turns into another werewolf.

Now, look, if you were to say to me in the year 1992 when this came out, or 1994, when this came out, or even if you were to say to me now,

I've got an idea for a movie.

Jack Nicholson and James Spader are werewolves who fight.

I would be like, yeah, I think both of those guys could be secretly werewolves now in real life.

Sure.

And I would definitely see a werewolf movie that they fight.

Despite the incredible talents of Mike Nichols, Mike Nichols directed this.

Wow.

The only good scene in this movie is when Jack Nicholson, in his human form, pees on James Spader's shoes to assert his dominance.

But I would definitely see a Wolf 2.

I would definitely get the gang back together.

Jack Nicholson, James Spader, and Wolf 2.

Elderly wolves.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Matt.

I don't know how long your son will continue to live in your home.

But whether he continues to live in your home for a long time, for a little time, it's going to take a couple of years before he transforms into a human again and stops needing to display this stinky dominance all over the place.

And you're just going to have to put down the seat, admit defeat, and know that you are being replaced by your offspring.

This is the way of the wolf.

Here's a case from Elena.

My husband Jared and I moved to Chicago six years ago.

It's a pretty good food town, but I have yet to find a true mission-style burrito.

This is a source of great sadness.

Now, I'm going to jump in here, Jesse, just to say,

producer Jennifer Marmer, you may have noticed you had put in a different case for us to hear in this slot.

And it was a great selection, but I had to make an executive decision because I needed to hear Jesse Thorne's reaction to this mission burrito-themed case.

I understand.

Do you think people know what a mission burrito is?

It's the type of burrito that Chipotle is a poor facsimile of.

It is the style of burrito that pioneered in the mission district of San Francisco, your hometown.

Ideally, best practiced at one of two competing establishments, which are what?

Well, that's an interesting, that's an interesting question.

Everyone has their favorite spot.

Right.

But aren't there two primary ones that at least I think Pancho Villa and La Taqueria, maybe?

I'm a tonayense or a I like I like El Farolito.

That's That's the one that I've had.

Yeah, that's

a great one.

I usually go to the one in the outer mission to avoid polar fleas.

Excuse me?

There's a plague of polar fleas upon the land in San Francisco's mission district.

Polar fleas?

Polar fleece.

Oh, polar fleas.

Okay.

Like old Navy performance fleece.

I got it.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were talking about polar fleas.

I thought that there was some weird bug infestation in the mission.

I was very concerned.

No, but you can find both of those things in Patagonia.

An ambition-style burrito would contain what?

What makes it a mission-style burrito?

I think it's girth.

Right.

So I think a traditional burrito, and I mean, you know, a burrito is like a taco.

There's a million versions of it.

It's not a,

there's no like one authentic definition of what it is.

Yeah.

They don't keep the perfect metric burrito in a cave in France against which all of these are measured, of course.

You know, a burrito is essentially

food wrapped up in a tortilla for portability, right?

Right.

But

in the mission,

that is a flour tortilla, a large flour tortilla that's typically steamed for stretchiness, although sometimes it is also griddled.

It is

round in shape rather than flat-ish.

By round, you mean the burrito is cylindrical.

It's cylindrical.

Thank you.

It typically includes rice.

I think that is one of the distinctive elements.

And although not, there are exceptions to that, but typically it includes rice.

And it is,

you know, key to the whole thing

are

careful layering so that each bite contains some of each ingredient.

And those ingredients might be...

A meat.

A meat.

Beans.

A beans.

I think the most traditional beans would be whole pinto beans.

Whole pints.

Often you have a choice between whole and refried or whole refried and black beans.

Black beans being a sort of bougie addition that appeared in 1992.

Salsa.

Rice.

Palagallo.

or sometimes a very spicy salsa if that's your preference.

And then

rice.

And in addition to that, in a super burrito, you often will have some cheese and sour cream and guacamole.

And the guacamole is typically more of a sauce than it is

a chunky avocado.

Don't forget, Jesse, that crispy fresh lettuce.

No.

Ugh, gross.

The definition of a burrito is so gross.

Fresh lettuce.

And a burrito is so gross.

It is alchemical in that it is greater than the sum of its parts.

Something magic happens when it all comes together and it's 1 a.m.

and you're getting your burrito after doing a show at San Francisco Sketch Fest or whatever.

It's a truly magical thing that you would think about if you had moved to Chicago, say from the Bay Area.

It would be something you would miss.

And it's something that I, as a native San Franciscan, I've eaten many

good and even great burritos outside of San Francisco.

I have never eaten even a good San Francisco-style burrito outside of San Francisco.

Right.

You just can't get it.

I have one more question about the burrito mission style, that is.

Can you marinate the stump?

I insist.

My friend Peter Fraunfelder, known as Pete Fields, the country singer Pete Fields of Slow Motion Cowboy, they have a new album out, by the way.

So I encourage people to go listen to that record.

He and I are burrito friends.

Right.

We would go often together to El Taco Loco,

but El Taco Loco was in classic new mission fashion burned down in a suspicious insurance fire

that was believed to be a way to collect insurance and kick tenants who had rent control out of the building.

So they could rent to people with polar fleece.

Sure.

And

we would hang out there, you know, at regular evening hours, late at night.

One time we were there late at night, and just some, some, a limousine pulled up, and two guys got out in suits covered in blood, ordered some burritos, and sat down and ate them.

Wow.

It was amazing.

That's some breaking bad stuff right there.

Basically, the best thing that ever happened to me.

But anyway, you know, if you get especially a super burrito, like if you're a teenage me and Pete, sure, you're going to take down that whole thing because it's essentially a challenge food.

Yeah.

You're going to eat the whole row.

That's what I call burritos, apostrophe row.

But

if you're a normal human being, you know, it's like two pounds of food.

Right.

You don't want to eat the whole thing.

So what you do is you eat about two-thirds of it.

Right.

I would say 60 to 70% of it.

Yeah.

Then you get a little bit of extra foil at the counter because a San Francisco style burrito is wrapped tightly in foil and eaten from one end of the cylinder down to the other the way that

Dagwood Bumstead might eat a submarine sandwich.

Right.

Or a Bugs Bunny might eat a carrot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, there are plenty of burritos in the world that are served flat on their sides.

That's more typical in a a restaurant situation anyway, you know,

with sauce on top, but it's not how we do it.

That would be a wet burrito.

Exactly.

And so you eat about two-thirds, three-quarters of it.

You get some extra foil, you wrap that up, you put that in the fridge overnight, which is called marinating the stump.

Yeah.

Although Pete insists it's marinating the stub,

but either way.

The point is the marinating.

It's sort of like putting a stew in the fridge overnight.

You want the the flavors to mingle.

You're letting it mellow.

Exactly.

What's nice is that

you have this dairy in there.

If you're getting a super, which you probably should, you've got the sour cream and this melted cheese in there.

You want that to harden up.

That's a key part of it.

You want that to harden up in the fridge as the flavors mingle.

And then you eat that for breakfast the next morning.

You eat that marinated mellowed stump.

I don't think you're a San Franciscan if you've never eaten a third of a super burrito for breakfast.

In any case, Mission burritos, that is the primer we needed, or the primer, depending on how you say it.

So, what is Elena's beef with Jared, her husband?

Jared regularly travels to San Francisco for work, and he often eats burritos while he's there.

I've asked him to please video call me when he's about to eat his burrito, so I can experience his delicious pleasure vicariously.

He regards my request as, quote, too weird, end quote.

Alternately,

I would also accept

him bringing a burrito back to me.

He thinks I'm bluffing about eating a burrito that's been in his luggage for five hours.

I assure you, I am not.

Absent this, please compel him to eat his burrito over video with me, describing the experience in detail as he does so.

Jesse, I don't like to interfere with people's erotic lives.

Sure.

Except on Judge John Hodgman After Dark.

Yes, of course.

But I would say that that is weird.

That it is a lot to ask your spouse to eat and describe a food while sitting in a mission-style burrito.

Because these are informal places.

These are public places.

These are not like you can get a quiet corner table and quietly FaceTime while you ASMR narrate the eating of your burrito to your wife who's probably up to something else at home.

You know what I mean?

This is like you're out in fluorescent lit, bustling

formica

booth and counter space.

And my guess would be the hardworking people who are going in there to enjoy their burrito would look askance at someone sitting there talking it through with his wife in Chicago over FaceTime.

It would would attract attention.

You know what I found myself thinking as I read this?

What?

I have two brothers that live in San Francisco.

Yeah.

My brother, Johnny,

he'd do this for me.

No hesitation.

In a moment, he'd get out there.

He would destroy a burrito in front of me because he loves me.

Right.

And I him.

But at the same time, because I love him, I would never ask him to do this.

It's a big, it's an ask, right?

It's an ask.

It's like when I sent him to the, you know, miscellaneous work and urbanware store by our house to buy a t-shirt for my wife Teresa that said hyphy wifey.

Right, exactly.

He would do it.

He did it for you.

He did it for me.

You have to argue about what the prices of things are, and he did.

I would say that if there, I mean, there's nothing wrong with it.

It is something of an ask to ask Jared to go and do this because

I would feel self-conscious personally doing it.

But if Jared can muster the inner bravery and who gives a fudge of it to do this for his wife because she wants it, that's fantastic.

That's a testament to your partnership.

But if he can't, if it's just too weird for him, I think that's something you need to respect, Elena, because it's pretty weird.

And similarly, I don't think it's what you want, Elena.

I mean, Jesse Thorne, when you say you wouldn't ask your brother to eat a burrito on FaceTime in front of you, I mean, it's not only putting him in a

big ask for him, but it's also like, how would that be satisfying for you?

Unless your goal was to make your brother do a weird thing, which I guess would be.

That would be cruel to me.

Right.

Yeah, I mean, there's no question.

So I'm not going to allow that.

Let's end all talk of video conferencing the eating of the rose.

But, Jesse, don't you think a loving husband should bring a burrito back on an airplane to Chicago?

John, I have family in the Bay Area.

Sure.

I have a mother.

I have a mother-in-law.

Right.

They come to visit.

Wait a minute.

You're a human being?

Yeah.

That's right.

All that stuff I read on the internet was wrong.

Exactly.

You've been going to the wrong Reddits.

I am not afraid to request food deliveries.

Stop at Tassajara.

I'll say.

Bring me a batard.

Go to Lucas.

Bring me some tortellini.

R.I.P.

Lucas.

Legend.

Right.

We have no choice but to stand this fallen legend.

It is our duty, our obligation.

And you know what?

I can't tell you that I have not thought seriously about asking my mother, when she is coming to visit me, to stop at a Taqueria,

buy a burrito,

put it in her carry-on bag, Yes.

And bring it from SFO to Burbank.

How long is that flight?

That's a 70-minute flight, maybe.

Yeah, that's perfectly reasonable.

Why haven't you asked her to do that?

You wouldn't just be marinating the stump at that point.

You'd be marinating the whole tree of burrito.

The concern is food safety here.

Yeah.

So I would have to ask her to check bags.

Would you?

I mean, like I said, I've thought seriously about it.

I know she has those gel cold packs.

Would it change your mind if I told you that I I had done some research and she can travel through TSA in her carry-on with frozen gel cold packs and a cooler and a burrito?

It is perfectly allowable.

Would it change your mind if I let you know that Delta Airlines, the one that I happen to frequent, is perfectly okay with people bringing on coolers with ice packs and full of food and putting it underneath their seat?

Is there like a special section in the FAQ about burritos like there is about hockey sticks?

Food and alcohol transportation at delta.com, my friend, and also gel ice packs at the TSA.

You are okay.

As long as the gel ice pack is fully frozen and it is not melty, you may pass right through security with your burrito intact.

And by the way, I did a little check on food safety.

I mean, I think that probably from restaurant to your door, That's more than two hours.

It should be refrigerated during that time for sure.

Yeah.

But it is possible.

And we've already established that the burrito would only get better.

Now, you may not want to ask your mom to do this for you for any number of reasons, but I'm just saying to Jared and Elena, it is within the realm of possibility.

Now, obviously, San Francisco to Chicago is a longer flight.

It's about a four and a half hour flight.

You would need to carefully, carefully pack that burrito.

You would need to probably get a really good cooler.

And even though we don't sponsor them, I don't mind saying saying Yeti coolers are the best coolers I've ever encountered.

And

there's a over-the-shoulder small Yeti cooler called the Hopper Flip 12 soft cooler in charcoal specifically.

It's not cheap, but it's there.

And they have cooling devices.

And you could send Jared to San Francisco with one of these.

And a couple of the cooling blocks.

Make sure he's got a hotel room with a freezer in it because they do exist.

They have some of those little mini fridges that have freezers in some hotel rooms.

You need to do some advanced work.

And on his last day there, he could get a burrito, put it in the refrigerator, then right before flying, put it into the Yeti.

And then I would even suggest you could carry it through or he could check that thing, put it in another bag and check it.

Because in the cargo compartment, it's going to be cold anyway because they don't refrigerate it down there.

I mean, they don't heat it down there.

And he'll not only be delivering to you not only one of your beloved mission style burritos, but also one that has been pretty well pre-marinated long before the stump stage.

I encourage it.

And Jesse Thorne, to go along with your laminating machine that I'm giving you for your birthday, I'm going to ask your mom if she'll send you a burrito.

I'm not going to put this on your mom.

I'm going to find a way to mail you a mission-style burrito.

Food delivery has really gone a long ways.

It can happen.

John, you know that I'm a businessman, right?

Sure.

So I'm constantly thinking about things like efficient logistics.

Right.

I think that Jared needs to establish a trading route.

When he heads out to San Francisco, he should bring pierogies to trade for burritos.

I think that sounds fantastic.

And Chicago is a great food city, by the way.

It's not a pretty good food city.

It's one of the best food cities, both for fine dining and also sort of...

family dining and you know different hunks of meat different hunks of meat and cheese it's great for those things.

Jared, you can do this.

And indeed, I encourage...

And Elena, go ahead and get the equipment and make Jared do this.

I order him to do it.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, a litigant leaves the future of his hairstyle in our hands.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listen.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts

all right we're over 70 episodes into our show let's learn everything so let's do a quick progress check have we learned about quantum physics yes episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from clearing the docket because we have some really exciting stuff coming up.

That's right, Jesse.

Today's release comes out on a Wednesday.

Tomorrow, Thursday, the 19th of May, I shall return to the State Theater of Portland, Maine to be on the Love It or Leave It live podcast extravaganza.

I can't wait to go back up to Maine.

I can't wait to see the state theater.

It won't be the same without you, Jesse, but we'll get back there soon enough.

But we're going to have a really good time up there in Portland.

The Love It or Leave It show is a lot of fun, and you should come check us out if you're in the Portland area.

That is an incredible coincidence, John.

Why is that?

I'm going to be at Universal City Walk appearing on Lovetts or Leave It at the John Lovitz Comedy Club.

Yeah, I hear that they, through an arrangement, they can only perform simultaneously on opposite sides of the country.

You go up to the box office, you ask to see Jesse Thorne, and they say, yeah, that's the ticket.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I love John Lovitz.

He's great.

Of course, John Lovitz is wonderful, but you have to make sure that they perform simultaneously on opposite sides of the country because if John Lovitt and John Lovitz meet, they rip a hole in the time time space.

They both are just too jealous.

Thanks, Jeff.

I'm going to cut that.

Don't cut that.

You don't edit it anymore.

Valerie, don't cut that or you're fired.

Of course,

the joy of zoning with John Hodgman, which is my SimCity Twitch stream,

will continue for two more Mondays this month in May, next Monday and the Monday after that.

That's thanks to you, the generous members of Maximum Fun.

I offered that I would continue doing the joy of zoning and get your pets on a weekly basis in May if we reached a stretch goal that I offered at the Maximum Fun Drive and you all blew past it.

So I'll be doing the joy of zoning on Monday mornings for two more Mondays in May.

That's next Monday and the following.

You can go to twitch.tv slash John Hodgman to see my schedule.

You can also watch it on Twitter.

You can watch it on YouTube.

You can watch it on the Judge John Hodgman Facebook page.

Any of those places you can see me 9 a.m.

on Mondays in May and get your pets for three more Fridays.

The last two Fridays in May and the first Friday in June, which happens to be June the 3rd, my birthday.

Get your pets 3 p.m.

on Fridays in May and that first Friday in June, get your pets.

It's me interviewing cats, dogs, and other pets.

Also available on my Twitch stream and all those other places that I talked about.

Jesse Thorne, what's going on with you?

It's going to be Father's Day coming up soon.

If you're looking for a gift for your father, look at the put this on shop.

Everybody needs a beautiful pair of cufflinks or,

a tie bar, something nice and classy for your dad that he can keep for the rest of his life, something special.

So go to the put this on shop and get yourself some I did a rod trail sled dog race trading cards and then get your dad

get your dad a little treasure.

We also have a show coming up at Lincoln Center, John.

Oh, do we?

Yeah, that's June 29th.

And, you know, a lot of people have been saying, Jesse, John, I know this show at Damrosh Park as part of the Summer for the City series on Wednesday, June 29th at Lincoln Center.

I know this show is free, but it's not worth it to me if it's just the two of you.

Yeah, no, I've heard that a lot too.

And I understand.

Yeah.

The reality is we have friends who are more talented than we are.

It's real.

And so we've added one of them to the show.

Who is it, Jesse Thorne?

The legend herself, Gene Gray, will be joining us on stage in New York City.

What a joy it's going to be to have Gene there.

She'll be dropping some of her wisdom and witticisms.

Look,

we don't know what's going to happen at this event other than magic.

I mean, I know that we'll have magic on the stage because Gene Gray will be there.

I will be there.

Jesse Thorne will be there.

And I'm bringing my deck of cards.

Jennifer Marmer will be there making it all go.

We'll have such fun at our live justice shows.

We haven't done one in literal years.

And now we're all getting the band back together.

It is going to be a joyous night.

And plus, it's under the stars outdoors and it's free.

What a delight this will be.

We're going to have a great time.

John, I got to say something.

I got to get something off my chest.

Please.

You know, a lot of times, and it's understandable.

A lot of times people are hesitant to bring a friend or to encourage a friend who is not familiar with the show to go to a podcast recording.

I understand why.

It's like your special thing that lives inside your ears.

It's not something you're sending out to everybody.

But take a look at this.

This is part of a chill summer art series.

It's free and outdoors under the stars.

And even if you don't live in New York City, you have pals who do.

You know somebody that lives in the New York, New Jersey multiplex or whatever it's called.

Megacity One.

You know somebody in Mega City One.

Tell them to go to this show.

It's free.

The worst case scenario, they're kicking back and enjoying a summer evening in New York and probably drinking a nice Chablis or whatever they serve at Lincoln Center.

It's going to be a lovely timeout.

This isn't even a show, Jesse.

This isn't even a show because it's free.

It's outside.

It's like we're all getting together in a park.

All of our friends.

are all getting together to see each other again.

It's going to be a celebration and we can't wait to see you there.

It's June 29th at Lincoln Center.

You just have to go to bit.ly, J-J-H-O-Lincoln, all capital letters, all one word.

Or what, Jesse?

What else can they do?

They could just Google.

Google?

Judge John Hodgman, Lincoln Center.

Yeah, and you can reserve your tickets right now.

June 29th with Gene Gray.

We'll see you there.

Let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Here is a case from Jodi.

My spouse, Jessica, and I I have a dispute about my haircuts.

I like to get the cheapest, quickest, most efficient haircut where the hairstylist cuts off most of my hair.

Jessica would prefer I get a more stylish haircut, leaving more hairs on my head.

Please help us sort this out.

Thank you.

So I asked Jodi to send some photos of both a representative haircut of the kind that Jodi likes to get and the haircut, the more styled haircut that Jessica prefers.

Pending their permission, we'll put these photos up on instagram.com slash judgejohodgman on the showpage at maximumfund.org.

But in any case, Jesse Thorne, they are before you now.

Here is the evidence.

On the left is Jodi's just cut it all off hairstyle.

And on the right is Jodi's more styled hairstyle.

Do you have an opinion?

I see the difference here.

Right.

The second photograph, the more styled photograph, does indeed feature longer hair.

It is in a slightly chunkier style.

It has a little flair to it.

Right.

So it's been styled with maybe like a paste product.

Like a putty

or a paste or a mousse.

I would say

that I don't necessarily prefer it to a shorter style.

Although I would say that Jodi might benefit from a more careful, shorter style.

It's pretty severe, is what you're saying.

It's pretty indiscriminate and it's buzzing.

Yeah, to me, the problem isn't necessarily the length so much as the indifference is strong,

but

it does seem like the kind of haircut that one gets by picking someone at random who is trying to do it as quickly as possible.

I think Jody would own it.

Joni

has said that the

hairstyle that he prefers is the cheapest and most efficient, where he simply tells the hairstylist, cut off most of it.

But there are cheap, efficient hairstyles that can be executed by a barber

quickly and affordably.

You have to figure out what yours is

and how to communicate it.

But

most barbers are not incompetent.

And barbershop haircuts are specifically designed to be consistently executable.

Fair enough.

Jennifer Marmor, what is your opinion?

It's complicated.

I agree that the second style...

The styled style shall be known as the second style.

The styled style, yes.

I agree that it is

nicer looking.

But

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm impressed that Jessica

has voiced her opinion so strongly about what his hair should look like

or

I shouldn't be impressed.

I definitely have,

look, my husband Shade is very attractive.

I think he's a very attractive person.

A dream boat.

And his hair is part of that whole package.

That's the top part.

Yeah.

And he definitely has had styles in the past that I've liked more than others.

But I can't imagine, and we're very, you know, communicative with each other, but I can't imagine ever telling him, I think that you should do this to your hair.

Jennifer Marmor, you have found the crux,

which is I am very

uneasy with even loving couples policing each other's hairstyles.

Even their wardrobe choices, even their personal body grooming habits.

You must tread almost as lightly as you tread when you are considering comparing someone to someone else, a famous person or a moderately formally famous person like me.

Maybe you just shouldn't do it because there is an element of judgmentalness, there is an element of control, and there is an element of parenting that gets involved.

And unfortunately, I think that it is much more in the tradition and the not good tradition of heterosexual marriages for

wives to feel empowered within this tradition to be kind of a mommy to the husband.

And sometimes the husband

wants this, which is, I think, deserving of therapy.

But sometimes also the husband inadvertently invites it

by getting a little baby haircut.

Like, unfortunately, Jody Jodi has.

I think Jodi has a little baby haircut.

I think Jodi looks like a little baby boy who just is so

the kind of little kid who just hates haircuts so much that he's going to go in there and get as much shaved, like all he can do is sit still to get it all shaved off and then have a lollipop and then get out of there.

And I don't think it's complicated.

I think he looks better in the other hairstyle.

I mean, he looks better in the styled style.

Styled style looks better, much better by far to me.

Maybe you guys don't agree.

Maybe you guys were being more polite than I'm being.

You know, if you were to ask me, Jody, and I count this as asking me,

yeah, I think the styled style looks better on you.

Here's why.

You got a big old round head.

Take it from a guy who's got a big old round head who basically got a buzz cut thinking it would be efficient when his daughter was born and just looked like a big baby himself.

Just looked like a baby.

I saw a photo of myself holding our daughter when she was less than a year old.

My hair had just begun to grow in.

And I'm like, who's that big fat baby holding that baby?

Babies having babies.

Baby's having babies, right?

I raise my glass of Pino Grigio to you, girlfriend down there, the real housewives of Dallas.

Sorry about it.

I'm sorry to be rough, Jodi.

But the fact is your styled style, whatever it is, that putty, that styling cream, whatever you're putting in there,

it is lifting your hair up.

And it gives your whole head a much more vertical, uplifting shape.

And look, you're smiling in this photo, and you're showing your teeth.

You look happy in this photo.

Maybe it's a different circumstance.

You know what the product is, John?

No, what is it?

Sour cream and melted cheese, and then you let it set.

You gotta let it sit.

You gotta let it sit and solidify.

Then you work it in with your fingertips.

I don't like to endorse the policing of your hair by your mommy wife.

However,

if this is a situation where you're curious how I see it, and I can only imagine that is because you wrote into me, I would say I do think that the other hairstyle favors you a little bit.

I would even dare say you look like a handsome version of John Hodgman.

I know that I shouldn't make those comparisons, but I hope you take that as a compliment.

Look, you guys look very, very happy together.

It's really, really none of my business, but except I made it my business by doing this podcast for a decade.

But that said, since you now know my unvarnished opinion,

Jessica, you know that you're not Jodi's mommy.

And Jodi, you know Jessica isn't your mommy.

You aren't a little kid.

You can go and get a grown-up hairstyle all by yourself.

If you like yourself better the other way, then ignore me and ignore her.

But if you want to know my opinion, I share Jessica's.

You look better with a little bit of style.

A little bit of style.

The docket now clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmor.

Our editor is Valerie Moffat.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ Ho.

Check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode.

That's at maximumfun.reddit.com.

I think we're going to do an all-Ren Fair episode, John.

Yeah, Jesse John.

If we can get it together.

We have the time to do it.

I mean, we had a recent episode called Pleat Bargain, in which Tiffany and Ann Elizabeth, who met at a Wren Fair, they had a dispute about cooking.

And when I posted about it, I think I was a little misleading.

I was like, get thee to the Wren Fair.

This is a Ren Fair-related case.

And we talked about the Wren Fair a lot.

And both of them had been performers at the Ren Fair.

And I love Ren Fair culture.

But really, it wasn't a case about the Wren Fair.

And I felt maybe I had missed, maybe a little

falsehood in advertising, maybe a little misinformation I accidentally put onto the internet.

And I someone wrote in and said,

I would love an episode of all Ren Fair cases.

The big Ren Fair in New York is in Tuxedo, New York, in the fall, September, October.

A lot of Ren Fairs happen in the fall.

So we have a bit of lead time.

If you've been a performer in a Ren Fair, if you've attended a Ren Fair.

If you're a Falcon.

If you're a Falcon.

If you make armor for a Ren Fair, if you are a sword fighter or a fire mancer, I don't know what goes on at the Ren Fair.

Two days ago, Linda Holmes and I, our friend Linda Holmes, were DMing each other on Twitter, trying to figure out what people do at a Ren Fair.

Exactly.

It exactly replicated the series of statements that you just made.

We knew there are people that make armor, and then we kind of ran out of ideas of what happens.

I think that there's leather working.

I think that there's turkey leg basting.

I think that there is human chess

playing, but surely there are some disputes.

If you've had a dispute at a Ren Fair, I would really love it if someone lost a partner to another Ren Fair person.

If there's a love triangle Ren Fair, if there are any other kind of interpersonal or trade-related disputes,

I want to hear a dispute about people that wear Star Trek outfits to the Ren Fair.

Yeah, exactly.

If your Ren Fair is constantly being trolled by people in Star Trek Voyager outfits, let me me know.

Maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho.

Bring us your Renfair cases, for I shall dispense thee justice.

Of course, we're happy to hear any dispute from Renfair to Bloodsport Fight.

From Renfair to the Thunderdome.

No case is too small.

Submit those cases at maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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