Mr. G & Professor K

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week to clear the docket.

And with me is the famed humorist of far southern Nova Scotia, Judge John Hodgman.

Hey, it's me, Judge John Hodgman.

Yup, here in Maine still.

Didn't think I'd still be here, but I am.

Across the glass from our friend Joel Mann over there.

How are you, Joel?

Good, Judge.

Here at weru.org.

That's what the sticker on the glass says: 89.9 in Blue Hill, 99.9 in Bangor, and all around the world.

WERU.org.

Joel, I was glad to see you're part in your regular place today.

What's that?

Outside.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah.

Doesn't even remember.

Thanks for giving me something to work with there, Joel.

It's a parking lot.

Last time.

It's a parking lot, Joel.

Joel is basically.

I have my friend.

Joel's role on this.

Joel's role on this show is basically that period where Marshawn Lynch didn't want to answer questions at the press availability after the game.

You were parked in a weird way last week, Joel.

Jesse, everyone parks in the dirt lot here.

Well, I should say gravel lot here at WERU.org with the nose of their car snugged up against the station shack.

That's where I park.

That's where Joel's Kia always is.

Last week, he was parked all the way across the the lot with the butt of his car abutting route one what were you doing joel expressing myself i don't like this yeah charles wright and the watts 100 3rd street rhythm band over there non-conformism at a free form

community supported radio station i guess i guess it has its place all right

We do have a docket to clear, John.

You didn't want to hear the one thing, though, that I had to say about this, Jesse.

Maybe you saw it on my Instagram.

What's that?

Maine is a beautiful state.

And one of the things I love to do in Maine is go to the big box store on a sunny afternoon to buy an HDMI cable

and then stand in sheer confusion in front of the big box store vinyl section where they sell vinyl LPs.

Where the most noticeable front-facing LP is the soundtrack to the 1990s, early 2000s film Coyote Ugly.

Honey, honey, I'm going to Best Buy.

I need an LP version of the Coyote Ugly soundtrack from the movie Coyote Ugly, the songs.

Based on the article in GQ by Elizabeth Gilbert, Coyote Ugly.

Our friend Liz.

Our friend Liz gets residuals when you buy the LP.

I should have bought it.

I mean, if only to give Liz a little bit of residual money, a little royalty boost there, and not merely for the incredible warm sound of Coyote Ugly on LP, probably high,

high milligram, like heavyweight LP.

Oh, yeah.

It was a box set.

They had a separate LP for each song.

Whole thing weighed 30 pounds.

Yeah.

That way the grooves can be wider.

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, I don't know what's going on there.

Push those grooves together.

But let's clear the dot.

Here's a case from Judy in Moorestown, New Jersey.

My family enjoys listening to the Judge John Hodgman podcast together.

We've been very entertained by the whole dad joke theme.

But where do mom jokes fit in?

We would like to call on the wisdom of the court to answer the following questions.

Do mom jokes exist?

Are they a separate genre?

from dad jokes.

If they do exist and are separate, I would like you to give them airtime.

Here's an example of one of my most remembered mom jokes.

You didn't do that on porpoise.

You did it on dolphin.

You didn't do that on purpose.

You did it on dolphin.

Porpoise.

Purpose.

I get it.

Purpose.

That is a mom joke, isn't it?

In a way that a dad joke is not a.

The funniest person in my family is unquestionably my stepmother.

But all of her

jokes.

It was just picking on my dad.

Just

constantly mocking my father's many failings.

So it was contextual humor.

It was crowd work, basically.

Yeah.

It wasn't like a setup and a punchline.

No.

No.

It was really just,

yeah, just my dad would get food on himself or whatever.

taking care of business.

And what was she?

I was going to say,

she doesn't have an accent except when she's really mad.

My stepmother is from Belfast, Northern Ireland, and she moved to France as a 16-year-old to be an au pair and then moved to the United States as like an 18 or 19-year-old.

And

she ordinarily, you would you might notice that she was from somewhere else.

Yeah, you wouldn't notice a heavy Belfast accent until she gets mad and starts calling

you a

wee skittery git.

Jennifer Marmer over there there in Los Angeles.

Yeah.

Your mom have any jokes in her rep, in her repertoire?

I'm trying to think.

My mom didn't have a lot of jokes.

She's funny, but I can't think of like a specific joke.

But like my mom is, I think she's funny.

Jennifer's mom is hilarious.

I don't know whether she makes jokes per se, but she is what, like my mother, she is what they call a character.

Yeah.

I mean, she uses a lot of Yiddish.

She's full of verbs.

Good

timing.

Can't think of a specific joke.

I think moms, I think that this example joke that Judy gave

is just kind of a parallel, direct parallel to a dad joke.

Right.

It's a repurposed dad joke.

Yeah.

I think more mom jokes that I have seen

have to do with a kind of sly knowing wisdom.

And

they're contextual.

Yeah, a sort of like, well, you know what your sister's like quality.

Mm-hmm.

That's a joke my mom would play on me to trick me into thinking I had a sister

for years.

I grew up in a very large house.

For years I thought I had a sister

on the third floor.

Not true.

Funny joke, mom.

I've said it before, and I'll tell the story briefly again, that the moment I understood...

first heard and immediately understood the term dad joke when I was at the coffee shop around the street from my house in Park Slope.

When I was at the coffee shop around the, around the corner from my apartment in Park Slope.

And the young woman who gave me my coffee was wearing overalls.

And I said, I believe you deserve an award in the category of overall excellence.

And she said with zero facial expression, nice dad joke.

And that's how I died.

That's how I became dead.

Right.

I don't remember whether that was before or after we heard the case about the dad who in every social interaction, requests the kung pao chicken.

You know,

when he goes to the restaurant, when he goes to the supermarket, when he goes to the movies, when he goes to a toll booth, he's always like, I'll have the kung pao chicken.

And he thinks it's hilarious, and people are just trapped there.

I learned through him and my own experience:

don't joke around with people who are trying to serve you, they're trapped.

But what dads want out of a dad joke is attention.

That's the difference.

The main difference is: mom jokes are maybe undefinable, but they tend to be funny.

Dad jokes, thirsty.

Yeah.

Mom jokes incisive, I think, often.

Incisive.

Funny.

Can I tell you something that I was thinking about on my way to the office today?

Please do.

I was thinking about the great actress, Amy Ryan.

Amy Ryan's incredible.

Someone had put season two of The Wire into my head, which I think is profoundly underrated.

Amy Ryan.

I did not put it into your head.

It doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned.

No, it was Nathaniel Friedman from Free Darko.

And I was thinking about how great Amy Ryan is in that.

And I was thinking about how I absolutely had a crush on Amy Ryan when I was watching that episode of that show.

And I was thinking about my kind of post-adolescent actor crushes.

And the big three were Catherine Keener,

Amy Ryan,

and Laura Linney.

Sure.

And I thought,

what do these three have in common?

It's a funny mom who's a little concerned about your choices.

That's my type.

At least it was when I was 20, apparently.

It's just a funny mom who's, they have that warmth, but they're also worried about you.

I think that, if I may, I think that tracks with Teresa, your wife.

Yeah, it's not far off.

And she's a funny mom.

She is a funny mom.

She's very funny.

Check out One Bad Mother on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network.

She and Biz Ellis.

There you go.

Yeah, both funny moms.

Okay.

Here's something from Michael in my old stomping ground of Tacoma Park, Maryland.

Shout out Tacoma Park.

Hey, Michael, you ever wonder why all that ground was stomped over there in Tacoma Park, Maryland?

Because Jesse was doing it.

It's his old stomping ground.

That ground got stomped.

You don't need to stomp it.

Thank him.

Is that where Linda Holmes moved?

I think maybe Linda moved to Tacoma Park.

Maybe it's a different part of.

Yeah, it's been pre-stumped.

It's a very desirable neighborhood.

Nice place, Tacoma Park.

Okay, Michael says, we have a room in the house that until recently we used for storage.

But this summer we curtained off part of the room, painted it, and put furniture in it.

Now it's a usable space for our kids, Anthony, age 16, and Sophia, age 14.

When we used it as a storage space, we called it the gray room because the floor was a concrete slab painted gray.

The floor is now covered with padding and a rug.

The kids and their mother, Teresa, want to continue calling the room the gray room.

I'd like to call it the Heather Plum Room

because that's the name of the paint color the kids chose to paint the walls.

What should we call it?

I was just seeing, I was just checking to see if there was anyone named Heather Plum in Google.

No, Heather Plum, it's a Benjamin Moore paint shade.

Shout out to Benjamin Moore.

I don't know, Jesse.

Have you ever tried to reclaim any storage space or unused space in your home for

a child?

I'm like,

whenever we have a case about like a guest bedroom,

you're just, you don't know what, you don't know what it is.

I'm from San Francisco.

Right.

I live in Los Angeles.

I don't know what a guest bedroom is.

I don't know about attached to garages with workshops in them.

No, I understand.

So the answer would be no.

You've not tried to reclaim.

The answer is no.

Reclaim sort of unused dead space and try to turn it into

a play area.

Throw some rugs down.

Put up some cool posters.

Maybe get a little LP.

Maybe get a little stereo system so your teenagers can listen to the Coyote Ugly.

soundtrack on LP.

Teens love it.

Yeah, as it was intended to be listened to.

I grew up in a very, very big home, as I have mentioned earlier in this podcast and before, in Brookline, Massachusetts.

Well, my mom and dad bought it for a song because it had been owned by a commune and was very run down.

But it was a large, large, stately manor with something like 16 rooms in it.

And as I have said, we had more rooms than we knew what to do with.

And I had my own room, and then there was a room down the end of the hall.

I'm like, I'm going to call that my clarinet practicing room.

And that's what I did.

It was nothing,

we didn't have any furniture in it.

And for some reason, that is still weird to me, and maybe it was so weird that it was probably under my initiative.

A rug was put down in a corner of the basement with some bookshelves for some kids' books and some toys.

This basement is as scary as anything in the Blair Witch House.

It was truly

like a classic horror movie scary basement with a furnace that had like 15 octopus arms going up, steel octopus arms and ducks going up to all the different registers in the house, and an abandoned work, like a abandoned workshop area with the outlines of tools on it, because my dad wasn't handy.

Someone before had that.

And then sort of behind the furnace was a room that just opened onto a big plot of dirt.

Unknown reason.

Scary.

Scary basement.

Why did that happen?

Why did I...

And I remember some times down there, and I was young too, because I had the Playmobile Sesame Street playset.

And that's where I played with my Mee Go 13-inch action figure Wizard of Oz play set.

It's been that little Professor Marvel Crystal Ball.

I still remember the feeling.

of the top of the Playmobile Burt's hair

of Burt and Ernie.

It's it's very distinctive sense feel.

And it's not an unpleasant memory, but the memory that I have so distinctly from that time

was sitting there on the floor, touching the top of that Bert,

Bert's hair, that little divot in the top of his plastic hair, trying to comfort myself against the

unceasing terror of something coming out of the dark and hauling me away to the dirt room.

Like, there was no moment that I was in there that I I was not aware that I was in a basement.

I must have just done this to test myself or something, but I'm saying this to you, Michael in Tacoma Park, Maryland, because this room, I don't know a lot about this room other than these two things.

One, it has a concrete floor.

It still does underneath your add-ons.

And two,

it's not a room.

It is a storage room that you have put a curtain over part of it and made one part of it nice and left the other part of it presumably unfinished and still full of junk.

And I guarantee you that little Anthony, age 16, little Sophia, age 14, doesn't matter how many throw pillows you put in that curtained off area.

It doesn't matter how many layers of padding and wall-to-wall carpet you put in there.

They know what's on the other side of that curtain and they know it's coming to kill them.

It is not the Heather Plum room.

It is the gray room.

A scary name for a scary room.

And also, you know, it's not just named for the color.

It's named for the ambiguity.

This liminal space between finished and unfinished.

I'm glad you send your kids down there.

It builds character.

Maybe they'll end up like me.

Do you think there was a gray room in the gray house?

You're talking about one of our very favorite Judge John Hodgman episodes from early on, where a mother and daughter debated whether or not a gray house that the daughter remembered ever existed.

Yeah.

The solution was revealed eventually, somewhere online.

Yeah.

I'll never reveal it.

Nor, by the way, speaking of online over the Maximum Fund subreddit, I've seen some people trying to take some guesses at what that mystery ingredient is in my concept burger: hamburger, cheese, hash brown,

bun, ketchup, mayo.

One secret ingredient.

A lot of guesses.

Some people have said

peanut butter.

Terrible.

No one's gotten it right.

No one's gotten it right.

But I'll tell you what.

I will reveal the secret ingredient on our live stream from the London Podcast Festival.

Holy cow.

There and only there.

Holy moly.

And that's not, we're not going to put out audio of that into the

podcast feed.

That is exclusive for people who buy a ticket to that live stream.

That's right.

And if you tune into the live stream and you hear me reveal the secret ingredient, you can't be running over to the Maximum Fund subreddit and spilling the beans.

It's not beans, by the way.

Neither spilled nor in a cup.

No beans.

Take your guesses.

Take your shots.

You're all going to be wrong.

If you want to find out,

buy a ticket to the London.

Yeah.

It's a full English breakfast.

It's a hamburger patty, a hash brown, bun, ketchup, mayonnaise, cheese, and also a full English breakfast on top.

Yeah.

Black pudding.

It's not an egg.

It's not an egg.

Fill your shots over there at the Maximum Fun subreddit.

If you want to find out, if you want to know, if you want to know the truth, go to bit.ly slash JJ Hodgman, spelled J J H O U D G M A N

all capital letters.

The complicated bitly.

Get your tickets.

Hey, you know what?

I love a complicated bit, and I love a complicated bit.ly.

Get your tickets.

Join us September 9th, London Podcast Festival.

You will know the secret ingredient.

You and only you.

And you must not reveal it to anyone else unless they have also bought a ticket at bit.ly slash J J H O U D G M A N, all capital letters.

Or just look for the London Podcast Festival website.

Yeah, you could Google London or excuse me, Duck DuckGo,

London Podcast Festival, Alta Vista, Hodgman.

You can ask Jeeves if you want, or you you can do

bit.ly slash J-J-H-O-U-D-G-M-A-N.

All capital letters.

We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partners.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you know that most of the dishes served at Tom Clicchio's craft restaurant are made in, made in pots and pans?

It's true.

The Brace Short Ribs, Made in, made in.

The Rohan Duck Riders of Rohan, made in, made in.

That heritage pork chop that you love so much, you got it.

It was made in, made in.

But made-in isn't just for professional chefs.

It's for home cooks too.

And even some of your favorite celebratory dishes can be amplified with made-in cookware.

It's the stuff that professional chefs use, but because it is sold directly to you, it's a lot more affordable

than some of the other high-end brands.

We're both big fans of the carbon steel.

I have a little

carbon steel skillet that my mother-in-law loves to use because cast iron is too heavy for her, but she wants that non-stick.

And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

She can use it to braise if she wants to use it to braise.

It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

And it will last a long time.

And whether it's griddles or pots and pans or knives or glassware or tableware, I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be coming back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

All of it is incredibly solid, beautiful, functional, and as you point out, a lot more affordable because they sell it directly to you.

If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common.

They're made in, made in.

For full details, visit madeincookwear.com.

That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com.

Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

We are clearing the docket and we have a case from Becky in Angola, Indiana.

My husband, Mike, has a grungy jacket he's been wearing to his job as a middle school teacher every day for at least 10 years.

It was a nice jacket when he got it, but it's really in bad shape now.

Students talk about it.

I want him to get a new one, but he doesn't seem interested.

I was hoping Jesse's expertise might come in handy, helping him find a new, less embarrassing jacket that he would like.

All right, Jesse,

before we go to this guy, before we go to the photos of this guy in his jacket, have you ever had a piece of clothing that you just can't let go of?

I mean, I have clothes that I bought in high school, and I recently turned 40.

Because you still love and wear them, or because you just can't give them up?

Mostly because I love and wear them.

But

I don't know, the shoes that I wore at the prom.

You know, they don't get a lot of burn on the streets of LA.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You don't have any bolo ties left over from high school like I do?

I got rid of my bolo ties.

I got rid of my bolo ties.

What do you got?

Like a turquoise bolo?

I had a scorpion and lucite.

Sure.

That's a classic bolo.

I think that was my main.

That was, I think I had, oh, I had one with a picture of a horse on it, like a painted cameo of a horse.

Sure.

And I have this beautiful lapis lazuli bolo tie right now from our friend Jerome in New Albany, Indiana.

that I'm holding until Lyle Lovett claims it.

Lyle, it's going to be unclaimed property in two months.

Then it's mine.

How's your bolo tie working out, Joel?

Really good.

Yeah, did you wear it at the Pentago at Inn to play jazz?

I wear it all the time.

You're not wearing it right now, though.

Oh, geez.

Yeah, it must be a mistake.

Busted.

I still have, like, I have hung onto the shirt that I wore in my author's photo for the areas of my expertise, and I don't know what to do with it because.

I can't bring myself to throw it away.

And I don't want to give it away to a fan for whom it might have meaning because that would be weird.

John,

I have big news.

What?

You know how we have a live stream show coming up at the Lennon Podcast Festival?

No, I haven't heard anything about it.

Well, go to bit.lee slash Houdman.

J.J.

Hougeman.

Oh, J.J.

Hougman.

Even I can't remember it.

Well, go to bit.lee slash JJ Hougman to get your tickets.

John, I'm going to do a giveaway on that show.

You're going to give away my shirt?

No, I'm going to give away something even better.

About

six years ago,

Maximum Fun sponsored and largely filled the roster of a slow-pitched softball team.

The Max Fun Rockets of the Pasadena Recreational Adult Softball League, Division C.

Sure.

I believe it was.

It was the lowest division.

C for champions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, I'm going to tell you this, John.

This was not a strong squad.

No.

Strong in spirit, John.

Sure, spirit strong.

But not in softball.

I'm more spirit-strong, not softball-strong.

We had one woman who I had recruited from Twitter

who had played some college softball and was undoubtedly the star of the team.

Besides that, it was me and...

Brian Fernandez, the producer of Jordan Jesse Go, and Nick White, the former producer of Bullseye, who were the stars of the squad.

And if you knew about our little league experience, which ended, I think, for all of us around age 13,

you would know that

we were not the guys you wanted to be, the stars of the squad.

Anyway, we went 0-10.

Got blown out by, among others, the Pasadena Humane Society.

Well, they're ringers.

You know what?

It doesn't say anywhere in the rule book that a dog can't pitch softball.

That's true.

That dog's got an arm.

Wicked knuckler.

I know.

And in the years since, I have been unable to figure out what to do with my jersey, a softball or baseball shirt, you know, a three-quarter sleeve, colored sleeves, white body shirt with the Max Fun Rocket logo and my number on the back and thorn on the back.

Size large, because I didn't want to throw it away, but I didn't want to wear it in public.

I'm going to give it away on our live show.

Wow.

Quoth the Doughboys, wow.

You know what?

All right.

Wear it out.

Wear it to a club.

Use it to do, you know, spells on me.

All right.

You've convinced me.

I will give away, if anyone is interested,

the stripey shirt that I wore in my author photo.

Very distinctive stripey shirt.

that I wore in my author photo for the areas of my expertise.

These are NFTs, John.

These are non-fungible.

Non-fungible tokens, Jesse, of our affection for you, the listener.

You'll know where to go.

Just bit.ly slash JJ Hougeman.

Hey,

let's talk about Becky's husband's Mike's jacket, though.

You got this photo in front of you?

First of all,

Mike is every bit the picture of a handsome middle school teacher.

He looks great.

Thank you.

I'm so glad that we agree.

Yeah, he looks like a million dollars in exactly a middle school teacher way.

And it is a powerful middle school teacher move to have exactly the jacket you would imagine.

Like my first thought was, I guess it's possible that this is like,

you know, a puffer jacket that people in,

you know, a cold state waiting for the bus might wear.

Does that make sense?

That category of clothing?

It's one I don't have a sophisticated understanding of.

Like a parka?

Yeah, like a parka that was bought from land's end in the 70s yeah right 1983 it's actually pretty cool um i'd like that yeah sure but this is an even more classic middle school teacher jacket which is to say that it is a brown corduroy brown corduroy sport coat sport coat it doesn't have leather buttons it looks like it has plastic buttons but besides that it really is the classic middle school teacher jacket and inside he's showing off the fact that the lining has torn out completely.

All the pockets are visible inside the jacket.

And not on purpose.

No.

And he's also showing off that in his interior pocket on the left-hand side, the one that's over his heart, he has about four pens clipped inside, which is again a truly classic middle school teacher move.

This photo, both of these photos, of course, will be available on the show page at maximumfund.org, as well as on our show Instagram page at JudgeJohn Hodgman on instagram i'm very proud to put these photos up not only because mike is standing in front of a vacation land poster from 2015 that was illustrated by the great adam hughes but also he's just the i don't know what the last initial of mike's name is pick an pick a letter to the alphabet jennifer g this is mr g you know what i mean You see this guy walking down the hall.

Let's say Mike's last name is Goldfarb.

Mr.

G.

He's G for genial.

He's got a very genial look, but he's also in control.

You know what I mean?

He's smiling, but you don't want to mess with him.

It's also Mr.

G with like, go ahead, try it.

That kind of G.

Love him.

Mr.

G is unlocking the magic of either literature or algebra.

Yes.

And what about the rest of his clothes, Jesse?

What do you think about

the rest of his togs?

Very classic middle school, but there's some fashion, I think, in that belt.

His pants fit nicely.

Pretty cool shoes.

Yeah, he looks nice.

He looks like a well-put-together middle school teacher, is what he looks like.

I commend him.

So what do you think about this jacket?

I don't mind this jacket.

I don't, if he really is wearing it on an everyday basis, it probably smells.

The sleeves are a little too long.

You get those altered.

You know, it makes me think of my high school theater teacher.

or the head of the theater program at my high school, School of the Arts in San Francisco, Phil Raher.

Mr.

Raher always wore the same sport coat.

It was a tweed herringbone sport coat.

Classic.

And I think I would suggest two things for Mike.

Okay.

First of all, I think Mike should reline the jacket.

It can be done.

Yeah, it certainly can be done.

It's not a huge alteration, although, you know, sometimes people...

Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations about what any alteration is going to cost because they forget that a skilled human being has to do it with their hands.

It's not going to cost nothing.

It won't be an excessively expensive alteration.

I think he should think about getting elbow pads put on those elbows because they're probably pretty well worn by now.

And that's what elbow pads are for.

Repair, not prevention.

You can get those down at the fabric store.

They cost $4.

But I think he should line it.

$4 a pair or individually?

$4 a pair, baby.

It's pretty good.

It's a bargain.

I think he should go on a popular e-commerce website where vintage goods are available and search for some vintage rayon from the 1940s, the kind of stuff that we make a lot of our put this on pocket squares out of.

Pick out a nice warm-colored rayon from the 40s, the kind of thing that we make put this on pocket squares out of, and have this coat relined in it, something with a

bold pattern, so that when he does this fake Rolex salesman move that he's doing here, opening up his jacket to reveal the goods, it will blow people's minds.

I also

would

strongly suggest to him that he go onto one of these same vintage clothing e-commerce platforms.

I'm going to say Etsy or eBay and

find himself

a tweed blazer, maybe from J Press,

so that he's got a little rotation.

He needs a little herringbone tweed in his life.

Yeah.

He needs a gray herringbone tweed.

You know, I lost my favorite gray herringbone tweed once in Heathrow Airport in London.

I was there with my wife and my, at the time, baby, and we had all our luggage piled on a cart.

And

I was in charge of all of it because my wife was in charge of the baby.

And

it was a terrible nightmare.

And we had to run from one terminal in Heathrow to the other.

And somewhere along the line, I started sweating, and I had to take off my favorite gray tweed herringbone blazer and drape it over the luggage cart.

And in the long tunnel between terminals, it fell off onto the ground.

And I didn't notice until we were on the airplane and I almost started crying.

And I spent the next four years with saved eBay searches until I found the exact same,

like early 80s Brooks Brothers unlined

gray tweed jacket.

And I have it to this day.

Well, when you lose that one, then I know what I'm going to get you for your next wedding 10 years after it happens.

I thought you were going to say that you walked into a gigantic departures hall or arrivals hall full of luggage carts with identical gray tweed jackets draped over them, like in the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and you couldn't find yours again.

I think he should go with J Press.

And the reason is that J Press is the most tweed blazery of all tweed blazer vendors in the United States.

It makes what they call a sack blazer, which is to say it has no darts in the front.

There's no gathering in the front to give it shape.

It just goes straight up and down.

I love that.

I don't need any gathering.

Yeah, which is the classic Ivy League look.

And it is the, you know, it's the one with a store

at the Yale bookstore.

Yeah, I get behind all of your judgments.

I think you're absolutely right.

I I think, Becky, this is something that Mike clearly loves.

It's lasted 10 years of daily use, and it's still wow in me and Jesse.

And Jesse is a professional menswear assessor.

So I don't think he should throw it away.

I think he should make an investment in the thing that he loves.

He's going to adjust those sleeves.

He's going to get a new lining, even though I kind of like that no lining look.

It kind of looks very Banana Republic to me from back in the day when Banana Republic just sold pith helmets and colonialism.

But yeah, you're going to get a new lining.

No problematics there.

You're going to get a new lining in there.

You know what, John?

I'm going to send him fabric to line it with.

Okay.

I got a stash here at the office.

We make him to put this on pocket squares.

I'm going to find something killer for him.

Mail it to him.

I like that, Jesse.

But here's my question.

How are you going to be able to fulfill my further order that on the lining on one side of the jacket of the inside of the jacket is printed your face and on the other side of the jacket is printed my face can we do that for mike too

can we figure out a way

can we please transform his jacket into a nightmare

all right you give him some good lining sorry mike i tried to get you some novelty lining that i thought you would like and go online and get some vintage gray herringbone tweed for heaven's sake so jesse doesn't cry anymore

And while you're getting that lining replaced, have them take up the sleeves three-quarters of an inch.

He did that just by eye from a photograph.

That's what a pro this guy is, Jesse Thorne, pro.

Pro menswear SSO.

Here's something from Karen in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

My husband and I participate in a family group text thread called Sibs and SIGS, which includes my three siblings and their significant others.

We use it to share happy moments.

and planned get-togethers.

My husband is an active participant, often contributing dad jokes and puns.

However, he tends to skim over messages that contain planning details.

When it comes time to go to wherever we've collectively planned to go in the thread, he'll say, you never told me about that, or when are we going?

He says information communicated in text threads is non-binding.

God.

I ask that you order him to pay enough attention to these chats so that he generally knows what's going on.

P.S.

Lake Michigan beaches are wonderful.

Writing in from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where some weeks ago, one friend wanted to go to a beer garden and the other one tried to pass off a Lake Michigan beach

margaritaville outdoor restaurant as a beer garden.

And I said some things about lake beaches, specifically lake beaches in Chicago, Milwaukee, Michigan, around Lake Michigan.

And a few of the listeners wrote in to defend defend the lakeside beaches of Lake Michigan, Jesse, and I get it.

I get it.

It's a great lake.

It's a terrible ocean, but a great lake.

It offers water access not only to Wisconsin, but of course Illinois, Michigan.

And here's the part I forget, Jesse.

Part I always forget about Lake Michigan.

You know what other state backs up onto Lake Michigan?

What's that?

Indiana.

Indiana, home of New Albany and Jerome Tardis, as well as Ricky Nicky Nicky Ricky and their cat Michael Keaton from the other week and Becky and Mike from a minute ago.

Joel, when you think of Indiana, what do you think about?

What do you picture?

The race.

The what?

The race?

Yes.

Oh, car racing.

Yes.

Yes.

The Indianapolis 500 or whatever.

Correct.

Circle City, Indianapolis.

And Larry Bird.

And Larry Bird, right?

Right.

Do you think about big, beautiful sandy dunes?

No.

No.

Well, guess what, Joel?

They're there.

Indiana has a little, tiny little novelty shoreline, just like New Hampshire does, Joel, right in the northwest corner, the southern end of the lake, where the wind comes sweeping down the lake, depositing the many, many, many, many, I can't even count them, grains of sand that form the famous Indiana Dunes.

So, in honor of this remarkably incongruous part of the Midwest, as imagined by guys in Maine and in New York, Jesse Thorne, Jennifer Marmer, Jay Squad, I offer you this new segment.

The Lake Michigan Beach Report, beginning today with Indiana Dunes State Park.

Indiana Dunes State Park.

Here you can find not only 15,000 acres that preserve ecologically fragile dunes and wetlands, including Calumet Prairie and the famous Cowles Bog, but also there to the east, Wyatt's the Century of Progress Architectural District.

The Armco Faroe House, the Cypress Log Cabin, Florida Tropical House, House of Tomorrow, and the Weebolt Rowstone House.

One day a year, visitors are allowed to tour these five innovative homes along Lakeshore Drive.

They were originally built to showcase modern construction methods and prefabricated materials at the 1933 Chicago's World's Fair.

But what do you do with five modern homes when the fair ends?

All the exhibits are packed away, and the last visiting Nazi Zeppelin sails east over the Lake Michigan horizon.

True story.

Well, you ship those homes to the Indiana dunes.

And how do you get them there?

On rafts made of telephone poles.

Another true story.

Amazing.

That's what Robert Bartlett did do.

Promote interest in the new community he was developing there in Indiana called Beverly Shores.

Fun fact, the House of Tomorrow is a wreck.

It's falling down.

But Jesse, if you promise to pay the $3 million required to restore it, you can live in it.

Will you do that, Jesse?

I mean, it sounds like a bargain to me.

Yeah, if you're nervous about it, let me remind you.

The House of Tomorrow is in the shape of a dodecahedron.

But enough about house shapes.

What about those beaches?

Yes, the beaches.

At the feet of the singing sands of the majestic Indiana dunes are beaches, offering swimming, sunbathing, smelt fishing, and the legend of Diana of the Dunes, the so-called ghost of a real person named Alice Mabel Gray.

Born in 1881, Alice Gray studied math and astronomy at the University of Chicago.

But upon graduating, She felt the city offered little opportunity to an educated woman, and she also believed wage labor to be slavery.

Mm-hmm.

So at the the age of 34 she moved to the dunes living first in an abandoned rail car and then in a shack that she called driftwood and then later a different shack that she called wren's nest.

And there she spent the rest of her life reading, fishing, and foraging for berries and going to the library.

Good job, Alice.

Quote, I want to live my own life, a free life, unquote, she told a local newspaper in 1916.

Alice Gray was an early advocate for the preservation of the eroding dunes, and soon the national attention attracted by her hashtag hashtag Dune ShackLife would bolster preservationist efforts and help establish the Indiana Dunes State Park itself in the year of her death, 1925, at the age of 44.

And then later the Indiana Dunes National Park to the west.

But among the many attractive beaches of both parks, I warn you: beware.

There is one beach nestled between the state park and the national park called Porter Beach, where parking is minimal and Derek Hartz's anger is maximal.

Offering the lowest of the low, one-star review of Porter Beach on Google Maps, Derek Harts reports, quote, the fact that you can't drink or have a fire on the beach at night, even if you intend on cleaning up after yourself, is a joke.

Not to mention you can't stay after a certain time.

Some people are nighttime people and don't like the daytime commotion of people.

They want serenity.

It's hard to get that for the person who enforces BS policies.

Hey, daytime people, cool it with your BS policies.

This isn't downtown Gary.

This is the Indiana dunes.

That's it for the Michigan Beach Report, a segment that will never appear again unless I come up with a good name for it.

Because the Michigan Beach Report is bad.

You can send them to me on oddman at maximumfund.org.

I can't wait for your suggestions.

Wait, what about the text threads?

Oh, yeah.

Get with it, Karen's husband.

Pay attention.

Yeah,

I think that's fair.

Let's take a quick break when we come back.

Follow-up letters about dogs.

Now, that's a recurring segment I can get behind.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lollum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

Here is a case from someone who has signed their dispute, Professor K.

Yes.

Finally, finally, we're getting the super villain letters we deserve.

Or the in-game characters from an obscure Sega game in the year 2000 called Jet Set Radio.

There you go.

I am an intact 70 plus physician.

You're loving Mr.

K already, right?

I can tell.

I hath not been rended in twain.

I am an intact 70 plus physician who is a serious gardener.

Sometimes in the a.m., when I go out to get the NY Times from my front lawn, I see an errant weed, a flower that needs deadheading, or a tomato that needs picking.

I'll stop for a minute, which can turn into 30, and take care of business.

My wife says I must stop doing this because I'm wearing my bathrobe and my Uggs.

She says the neighbors will think I'm getting weird, or at best, eccentric.

Please tell her the garden is more important than what the neighbors think.

Thanks, Professor K.

I want to see a team-up between Mr.

G and Professor K.

Mm-hmm.

Dr.

Manhattan.

Yeah, the deadheaders.

That's what they're called.

Go around deadheading flowers.

What is that?

Taking the top off a flower?

It must be taking the top off a flower when it wilts.

Do you know what it is, Joel?

That's exactly what it is.

Thank you, Joel.

Mr.

M.

Thank you, Mr.

M.

Jesse.

What's the least you've ever worn going outside of your house?

You mean outside of the front of my house?

Yeah, going out into public to like, you know, pick up a circular that was tossed on your your lawn or something.

Probably

no shoes and

pajamas, like the kind of pajamas that you would imagine Bruce Wayne wears to bed.

Ooh, silky?

Not silky.

Cotton.

Okay, I apologize.

Like a broadcloth.

It's got a little piping.

Or popline.

Piping, maybe?

Does have piping, yes.

You don't do that classic dad in a, or in this case, Professor K, in a, in a robe with a cup of coffee, staring at the neighborhood out there in your boxer shorts and a robe.

I don't drink coffee, and I live in Los Angeles, where robes are somewhat superfluous.

Yeah.

What about you, Joel?

You ever go out and what's the least you've ever worn to go out in the yard to get something?

Well, I live in the woods,

so it doesn't really matter.

So just your bolo tie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll say that my standards for what I wear outside have changed since I spent time in Maine, in Maine only.

Like I, I will often just wear a bathing suit as clothes.

I mean I'll wear a shirt always, even in the ocean, but just a bathing suit as clothes, which is for a while I was wearing a bathing suit underneath my other shorts or pants, because there's always a chance that, you know, I might lose judgment and jump into the water.

But then when I was wearing the bathing suit under my pants, it just felt like I was wearing a diaper.

And then when I just switched to straight bathing suit,

once you're in there in the supermarket and that trade wind's air conditioning is shooting up your leg, it feels like you're wearing nothing at all.

It's a bad feeling.

But Professor K is not going to the supermarket.

Professor K is just going out in his front lawn, deadheading some flowers.

So, first, this is what I got to say.

Professor K, thank you for subscribing to the New York Times, and thus the New York Times magazine, where a column appears called Judge John Hodgman, that no one who listens to the podcast knows exists, just as perhaps you, Professor K, are the only person who reads that magazine who knows that the podcast exists.

Weird.

Second of all, Professor K,

you got nothing to worry about.

You think this court is going to overrule the law laid down by Voltaire in the 1759 novel Candide, which ends when Candide says to Pangloss, we must cultivate our garden?

We must cultivate our garden.

Do not get wrapped up in other stuff while you are cultivating your garden.

Now, some take this to mean that we ought to ignore the outside world or politics or other stuff.

and just focus on our own lives.

And I don't take it to mean that.

I take it to mean that we must tend to our own lives and cultivate our own healthy internal gardens patiently and with care before we can be of use to others.

But we should be of use to others.

You know, that's what I'm doing right now.

I mean, I'm working on a secret project with David Rees, but I'm up here in Maine hiding away, tending to my own inner garden for a while.

But pretty soon, I'm going to have to come out of that garden and start putting my action where my beliefs are and start making some phone calls for candidates and getting ready for the midterms.

I urge you to cultivate your garden so you'll have the strength and resiliency to do the same for issues that you believe in.

And also, you're Professor K, Professor K.

You went to med school.

You probably, I mean, I don't know what kind of, I don't know what kind of medicine you practiced, but you probably saved some lives.

You probably watched some people lose their lives.

You went through some stuff.

You stayed up some nights.

You're 70 years old and you're intact.

Deadhead those flowers, Professor K.

Wearing whatever you want.

It's your property, right, Joel?

That's right.

Yeah, that's a main, that's a main thing.

It's my property.

The garden, whether literal or internal, is more important than what your neighbors think.

What's the point of being a septogenarian doctor if you don't putter around your front yard in your robe?

Yeah.

And if you're 70 and intact or 70 or half intact, whatever.

You don't have to be a doctor to wear a robe and UGGs in the garden.

Do whatever you want.

It's great.

Love it.

Sorry, Professor Kay's wife, other Professor K, is my guess.

Judge Hodgman, you mentioned some letters about dogs.

No, you did, but I'm going to follow through on that promise.

Yes, Bailiff Jesse.

Okay.

So we did get a couple of photos of dogs that we're going to share.

And, you know, look,

we are making up for some oversights in the past.

We have one picture of a dog that we knew the name of.

We have one name of the dog that we did a picture of that we didn't know the name of.

And we're filling in the blanks.

Oh, speaking of filling in the blanks, can I just say thank you to Twitter user Megan JG,

who is also a listener to this podcast.

Thanks, by the way, for listening to podcasts and using Twitter.

Good job.

Who clarified that I made a mistake the other week because I was talking about Greg Kinnear starring in a remake of an Audrey Hepburn movie with Harrison Ford in the Humphrey Bogart role.

And Jesse, you thought, and I thought I was talking about Roman Holiday, and you corrected me saying that was Gregory Peck.

But in fact, I made a mistake.

I was thinking of the remake of Sabrina.

with Humphrey Bogart and William Holden and Audrey Hepburn, and then later Harrison Ford, Greg Kinnear, and Julia Ormond.

Harrison Ford and Humphrey Bogart sharing the cinematic name across the years, Linus Larrabee, one of the great names in cinema, Linus Larrabee.

Should be more Linus's.

Okay, anyway, here we are now filling in the blanks as well about these dogs.

So you may remember the dispute from Eileen about walking in the forest over there in Oregon.

She wanted to walk in the forest with her sister Amy, but Amy was afraid of cougar attacks.

And Eileen mentioned that Amy has a three-legged dog named Papaya, but she didn't send a photo.

Now she has.

You want to take a a look at Papaya?

I do, yeah.

I'm going to open that up.

Just going to scroll down here from this picture of Mike the middle school teacher.

Papaya is a retired guide dog

and a cancer survivor.

Papaya has her own belly rub club, as evidenced by the patch on her scarf made by my nieces.

It's pretty cute.

Based on the frequency with which papaya shows me her belly every time I visit, I'm pretty sure I'm the club president.

Well, Papaya, you can get belly rubs from me anytime you want with that sweet little graying muzzle.

Yeah,

she looks like sweet cougar dinner.

She's not going to scare away a cougar.

Maybe that cougar will nuzzle up against her belly, though.

Too nice to eat.

That's what I think, papaya.

If she showed her belly to a cougar, the cougar would pet the belly.

Too nice to eat, papaya.

You have nothing to worry about.

We also heard back from Anne, who wrote to us about egg distribution in the carton.

I can't believe the number of letters I've gotten regarding the egg distribution, by which to mean I expected to get zero, zero letters about egg distribution in the carton.

But of course, it's Judge John Hodgman listeners.

Of course, they've been thinking about this all along, and I didn't know.

People with close calls about dropping an unbalanced egg carton, people who have alternate patterns of egg removal, people who have different ideas, and one guy writing in saying, my idea of keeping your eggs in one basket, all of them, and leaving it on the counter is a bad idea.

Because while that is acceptable in Europe, in the United States, they power wash the eggs or something and they remove a natural protective coating.

And eggs left out on the counter can be susceptible to salmonella.

Look, all I'm saying is I've kept all my eggs in one basket for years and years and years and years, and I've never had salmonella to my knowledge.

And I'm buying my eggs primarily.

I'm very rarely importing eggs from Europe, but I am buying eggs from local farms here in Maine a lot of the time that may not be power washed in this way.

But out of an abundance of caution, put your eggs in the fridge and organize them however you want.

People were obsessed with this.

But Anne also mentioned that if the eggs in the garden were not balanced properly, then they would drop on the floor and be eaten by her dog.

And she sent us a picture of her dog with an egg balanced on his cute little square nose.

She didn't tell us the name of the dog.

And Jesse, what did you suggest the dog's name was?

I suggested its name was Tater.

Yeah.

And I suggested, I think correctly, that the dog's name should be Eggo, but it's neither one of those things.

You know what this dog's name is, Jesse?

What's that, John?

Howard.

Take a look at Howard.

Howard's back.

It's a potato on his nose and a waffle on his head.

Look at that.

That looks like a Yukon gold to me.

In honor of our suggested names, Howard is posed here.

And of course, you can check this out at the Judge John Hodgman show page at maximumvun.org or the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page at Judge John Hodgman.

Howard is pictured here balancing not an egg anymore, but a nice yellow, what Jesse thinks is a Yukon gold potato, and I think he's right, as well as a Eggo waffle on his head.

Anne writes, 10 years ago, my then acquaintance, now husband John, saw a posting by a rescue organization for a skinny young abandoned boxer named Howard.

Tater and Eggo are terrific names.

I have attached an homage.

I am sorry the Eggo is so pale.

It's a hot day, and I decided against toasting it.

Sounds like a William Carlos Williams poem.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

She says it's still frozen and keeping Howard cool.

She's cooling off Howard's head with a frozen waffle.

This is a good dog.

Great.

Great dog.

I don't know.

This is justice as far as I'm concerned.

We'll have those on Instagram.

The docket's clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Our editor is Valerie Moffat.

Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, program and operations manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine.

You can listen to WERU at weru.org.

You can follow Joel on Instagram.

His handle is at the main man,

M-A-I-N-E-M-A-N-N.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

The show is on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

I'm on Instagram at put.this.on.

You're at John Hodgman, right?

Yes, that's right.

That's my Instagram handle.

At John Hodgman.

That's mostly going to be pictures of things in barns in Maine.

Hey, you know, I go to a lot of estate sales.

I wander through the homes of a lot of people who have recently passed away, and I

find it very

existentially terrifying and beautiful.

Take pictures.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H.

O.

You can check out that hashtag if you want to see the current discourse on Judge John Hodgman.

We also have a subreddit, maximumfun.reddit.com, where there is always a lively discussion.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho or email us at hodgman at maximumfun.org with your cases.

Let us know if you got some recording equipment and

make sure everybody would be on board to have the case answered.

Hodgman at maximumfund.org, maximumfund.org slash jjho.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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