Maine Hospitality
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Transcript
Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
We're in chambers this week to clear the docket.
And with me, as always, is the king of Maine barbecue, Judge John Hodgman.
I am not the king of Maine barbecue,
but I'll tell you something.
Jeff, you know, Jeff, that couple, Jeff and Mary Beth, who run the Maine hideaway?
Oh, sure, Jeff from Maine.
Yeah, Maine Jeff, yeah.
Main Jeff, Maine Jeff, also a member of the J squad.
He sent some brisket over my way that he smoked on an Aaron Franklin smoker that came into our town's possession.
Is this a municipal smoker?
This is something that some bonds got sold to
raise money to buy this smoker for the town.
We raised some money.
Quality of life.
That's exactly right.
It was either repair the culverts or get this smoker.
And the people of Maine spoke.
Sorry, volunteer fire department.
Bad news for you.
You only have one cot this season.
It's good news.
They're going to be hosting fundraisers with that smoker.
No doubt about it.
The smoker is great, but tools are only as good as their craftsperson.
And Jeff smoked some beautiful brisket and just left it on top of my car in the driveway.
Didn't even come in and say hello.
Technically, it was Mary Beth.
That's what we call main hospitality, right, Joel?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Someone leaves food on your car, doesn't come in and say hello.
Everyone's happy.
Everyone's happy.
We had food.
No trouble at all.
And boy, was it delicious.
And I posted on Instagram.
You can check it out on my stories.
I'll probably have to put that on the, on my main, as they say,
they call a main feed.
Oh, great.
You're Brisket on Maine now?
Yeah, I'm Brisket on Maine.
I'm here in Maine, as you know, at the Solar Power Studios of WERU available on your FM dial 89.9 in Orland, Maine.
or on your websites at weru.org.
With Jesse Thorne and Jennifer Marmor there in Los Angeles and Joel across the glass.
Joel, Jesse, Jennifer, I have in my hand a package from another member of the J Squad, Jerome in New Albany, Indiana, sent me some bolo ties.
You remember that episode?
Yeah, he was quite the artist and
quite the negotiator.
Someone asked me, why aren't you selling those bolo ties in the put this on shop?
I was like, I do not think he will give me wholesale prices.
That does not seem to be.
No.
Well, he only has something like 700 bolo ties in his homemade meow wolf style art installation there in New Albany, Indiana, where he got his friend Catherine to paint some beautiful Hubble telescoped-inspired space scape murals.
And I negotiated a good price for two homemade bolo ties, and he sent them, and I'm opening them now.
People love the sound of packaging.
This is what it sounds like to unwrap packaging on a podcast.
Get all your ASMR stuff.
These polos are falling out.
We got to start opening the latest Paw Patrol toys so we can really get rich on the internet.
I really should.
Yeah, this should have been a whole unboxing.
Joel, I don't remember which one I said I would give you, the turquoise one or the tiger's eye?
Tiger's eye.
Well, ask Lyle what he would like.
See which one he wants.
I'll take the other.
I'll defer to him.
Pretty nice polo ties, right?
Pretty nice.
Yeah.
You know what they look a lot like?
No.
They look like jewelry that could have been made by Caitlin Olsen's character on Hacks.
Very, very funny, very high-quality television program, Hacks.
These bolo ties are pretty heavy because they're made of stones, different semi-precious and then definitely not precious stones and tiles and wire work.
Joel, you and I will model these later.
Take a photo.
We'll put it up on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram, okay?
Okay.
Are you going to wear this tonight at the Pentago at Inn when you play jazz with the night and day jazz trio?
I will.
Okay, thank you very much.
And I'll tell them where I got it from.
Why?
Don't buzz market Jerome's bolo ties.
Tell him you got it from the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
Right.
Don't buzz market.
This guy, I paid top dollar for these bolos.
He doesn't need any help from us.
But, Jesse Thorne, you did not get any bolo ties in the mail.
You had delivered to you various instances of injustice, correct?
That's absolutely correct.
They're here on the docket in our courtroom, and I think we should start clearing them out.
All right, let's clear that docket.
Here's a case from Eileen in Corvallis, Oregon.
When we go out walking, my sister Amy prefers to walk on sidewalks in neighborhoods rather than any of our beautiful forest trails here in Corvallis.
She's worried we're going to run into a cougar on the trail.
But she likes the forest.
She just forgets.
Once we ended up walking 10 miles out of town because she loved the wooded trails so much.
We've never seen a cougar on a trail, but we have bumped into a pack of coyotes in a neighborhood.
Please order my sister to walk with me in the forest twice a month.
Unrelated, but of note, Amy trains guide dogs for fun and has a three-legged dog named Papaya.
Wow.
I'm grateful for that note.
I'm so noted.
Put it in the record.
Three-legged dog named Papaya.
Great name for a dog of any number of legs, but especially, I think that three-legged papaya is fantastic.
I love a scratch and dent dog, John.
Yeah, well, maybe that dog had run into a cougar at one point or another.
Yeah.
Maybe, maybe that's where that leg went into the tum-tum of a cougar, a.k.a.
mountain lion, a.k.a.
catamount, a.k.a.
Puma.
Could be.
You ever see one, Jesse?
Sometimes there's wildlife that wanders into the world of Los Angeles, no?
Yeah.
In fact, there have been
mountain lions that have wandered into Los Angeles.
There are some that live in Los Angeles,
but I have never seen one.
How can they afford it?
I know.
Pretty good.
The rents are pretty dang high.
Yeah.
I have seen bobcats and I have seen coyotes.
Yeah.
But I have never seen a mountain lion in Los Angeles outside of the zoo.
The concern here is that Amy is afraid of running into a mountain lion on a forest trail in Corvallis, Oregon.
Is that correct?
Yeah, that's correct.
Beautiful country, Corvallis.
Beautiful, beautiful country, Corvallis, Oregon.
And I'm going to say this.
I did a little research and there are cougars.
around Corvallis.
This is not an unfounded concern on Amy's part.
There are quite a few cougars been sighted over the past couple of years.
In fact, Jesse, I looked up the Corvallis High School.
Do you know what the name of their athletic teams is?
Oh, my gosh, what?
The Spartans.
Oh, sure.
Well, they were fierce fighters of history.
Do you know what
makes sense?
I really wish that it had been the Cougars, but it wasn't.
But I'm glad that I went down that Wikipedia hole because I found out, do you know what the name of their high school newspaper is in Corvallis?
What's that?
The Hyoscope.
H-I-G-H-O hyphen scope.
This is on the internet.
This is on Wikipedia.
It has to be true.
I can't figure it out.
It's not like a Devo album.
And I also saw on that Wikipedia page that Brad Bird, the famous director, is a graduate of Corvallis High School.
And I've met him before.
So I wrote him and I said, have you ever seen a cougar, Brad Bird, when you were in high school in Corvallis?
You wrote that to the director of the Iron Giant.
Yes, and the Incredibles.
But guess what?
He doesn't use that email anymore.
God bounced back.
I'm not as connected as I used to be.
I don't have feet on the ground in Corvallis anymore.
You got that Iron Giant email, not that Mission Impossible email.
Yeah, exactly so.
But even so.
I have access to the rest of the internet, not just Wikipedia and Bradbird's old email.
And the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife estimates that there are,
get this, how many cougars do you bet there are in the state of Oregon, Joel?
50.
No.
No, but it was almost that.
In the 60s, it was down to double digits.
But since there, there's been a cougar boom in Oregon.
6,000 some odd cougars in Oregon.
That's three times the reported numbers in Idaho or Washington state.
Now, Jesse, that's a controversial number because the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife apparently include, they count cougar kittens in that count
because they're very cute.
Cougar kittens are cute.
Yeah, the little ones.
Yeah, you got to, if you see them, you got to count them.
But they're less of a threat.
Yeah, that's true.
The point is, whether it is 6,000 or 3,000, there are cougars in those woods.
And Amy may be scared specifically because of a news story that I found from 2019, September 2019.
The Corvallis Gazette Times.
In Corvallis, a person named Peter Edema went on a solo run through the Dunn Research Forest, which may be one of the forests that Eileen and Amy are walking through, and on August 31st, he saw a cougar down the trail.
It says here, quote, he did his best to scare it off, yelling and waving his arms, but the cat crept steadily toward him, finally approaching so close that Peter Edema was able to kick it in the head and thus escape.
I kicked a cougar on a trail.
That's my purse.
I don't know you.
Incredible story.
I mean, I feel bad for the poor cougar, but that was in a scary situation.
Sometimes you got to kick a cougar in the snoot.
In any case,
that's terrifying.
But Peter Adema still runs.
in the Dunn Forest, according to this 2019 article.
But he doesn't run alone.
And he carries bear bear spray with him to spray a cougar rather than kick it.
And he follows the ODFW guidelines for cougar encounters, which are Amy and Eileen, face the cougar.
Don't turn your back on it.
Make yourself appear large.
Back away slowly.
Don't turn and run.
It'll trigger its chase instinct.
If attacked, don't play dead, fight back.
If it's a kitten, if it's a cougar kitten, count it.
It counts.
Just go go.
That's my little ones.
One.
Maybe you get to see two cougar kittens and you get to go one, two.
And also keep papaya off the trail because dogs can be attractive to cougars, apparently.
Papaya doesn't need that kind of static in papaya's life.
Papaya's only got three legs already.
So that's how you walk the trails.
of Corvallis, Oregon, practicing cougar safety.
And I guarantee you that none of this, Eileen, is going to make Amy feel any safer.
If anything, I'm sure Amy is now super duper terrified because this guy, Peter, got chased by a coug.
Even though there have only been 27 fatal cougar attacks in North America since 1890, it's not a thing that happens.
It may be that Amy just will not feel comfortable walking on those cougar trails.
Jesse, what do you think I should order?
Should I order Amy to walk the forest trails twice a month?
Look, I've walked on trails with bear spray.
Yeah.
I have a remote mountain cabin where there are bears,
as well as cougars.
Right.
I haven't had occasion to see one on a trail, thank goodness.
Right.
But I carry bear spray with me if I'm walking the dogs or walking with my wife or my children.
Right.
I think that's responsible behavior.
Right.
But if someone came to my mountain cabin and said they just weren't comfortable walking in the woods with me, I think I would have to respect that.
So the most that I would suggest you could order would be to order that she consider that she actually likes it and that it is relatively safe, especially if she takes precautions.
I forgot about that Eileen pointed out that Amy loves the woods.
She just forgets.
She forgets that she loves them.
I get it.
I understand.
I mean, Amy may have read this story about Peter Adama getting chased by a cougar.
But it is important in life to balance single anecdote, such as this 2019 news story, with overwhelming statistic, or I guess in this case, extremely underwhelming statistic, that there have been only reported 27 fatal cougar attacks in North America in more than a century.
You will probably be okay.
I would advise, Amy, that you consider going by statistics rather than anecdote and get some bear spray and get a get a dog sitter for papaya and going with your sister out into the wooded trail.
I think twice a month is too much to ask, Eileen.
But maybe just for some immersion therapy, for some comfort regaining and confidence building,
one forest trail a month.
And you have to wear a special anti-cougar suit that we're going to sell on Put This On Shop.
You know what?
As soon as I heard that you're supposed to make yourself appear bigger, I immediately, in my mind, was hiking in one of those inflatable Missy Elliott outfits.
Exactly.
There you go.
Pull the rip cord on that bad boy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Better for you, cougar.
Fill it with a semi-solid foam, a tooth-proof foam.
No, I think it'd be okay for you to get out there once a month, Amy, and build your confidence up.
After all, you're seeing coyotes in the neighborhood.
Just remember the hit song from my new reboot of Oliver, You've Got to Kick a Cougar or Two.
Not even really a joke.
Okay, here's something from Laura
For a mid-tier comedian like me, it's enough.
Enough to make me laugh.
Got to kick a cougar or two.
From Laura in Culpeper, Virginia.
I live in a very religious area around Christmas time.
Please, sir, can I have some fewer pumas on this trail?
That one fits the meter perfectly.
It's kind of a stretch rhyme.
We're going to have to bring in Lin-Manuel Moran on this.
That's a guy who has a sense of the internal structure of a lyric that we lack.
Lynn, if you're listening to this, I am officially commissioning your updated reimagination of Oliver as a musical entirely about Pumas.
Yeah.
We're excited to watch Vivo.
Let's all watch Vivo.
Indeed, oh.
See, that's another example.
We could get Lynn, punch that up too.
Punch John's.
Punch up the whole thing.
Okay.
Here is what Laura in Culpepper, Virginia says.
I live in a very religious area.
Around Christmas time, store clerks commonly ask questions.
So, you done with your Christmas shopping yet?
My husband thinks honest answers like, I don't celebrate Christmas, or I'm an atheist, are too confrontational.
For the sake of social ease, I'm happy to lie, but answering either yes or no often engenders follow-ups, like, have you got them all wrapped yet?
Or, who do you still have left to shop for?
I'm not a jerk.
If someone says Merry Christmas, I'll say it back.
But I draw the line at holding a conversation in which I need to invent fake present wrapping scenarios.
Please, order my husband to stop telling me that I'm rude for answering honestly.
Culpepper, Virginia.
Here's something that you don't know about Culpepper, Jesse.
There are only two Ps in Culpeper.
Wow.
P-E-P-E-R.
Yeah, I didn't know that.
Do you know what the sports teams at Culpeper County High School are called?
What are they called?
Blue Devils.
Not germane, but did you know what the motto of Culpeper, Virginia is?
What?
Preserving the past, wrapping the presents.
They love asking questions about...
It's actually preserving the past, embracing the future.
I guess that may be true.
I don't know.
But
I guess they love asking questions about wrapping presents around the holiday time there in Culpeper, Virginia.
I don't know.
I don't know, Jesse.
I don't think it's never rude to tell the truth, do you think?
No, I think that you could manage the tone of your response.
Yeah, you could tell, there is a way to tell the truth rudely.
If you just, if the person said,
done all your Christmas shopping, and then you just lean over and go,
I am a one-person war on Christmas and you are my next casualty.
That would be kind of rude, I think.
So you done with your Christmas shopping yet?
There is no God.
Or whatever.
Yeah.
To use our famous catchphrase.
And the name of a good podcast that you like, God or whatever.
I mean, you might consider doing some Christmas shopping.
If you have people in your life who do celebrate Christmas, it's not going to turn you into a believer to get a thoughtful gift for someone.
I'm not saying you have to.
I'm just saying it's worth considering.
I don't believe in God personally.
Sorry,
God believers.
That's nothing against you.
And
I like celebrating Christmas.
It's nice.
Yeah.
Look, I mean, I'm not here to convince Laura to celebrate Christmas or believe in God.
I think that.
We're here to convince Laura to celebrate Christmas and believe in God.
Okay, let's get down to it.
Okay, let's talk about this.
Let's talk specific verses.
No, I mean, here's the thing.
I think saying,
I don't celebrate Christmas is the perfect answer to.
Have you done, are you done shopping for Christmas presents?
I think that'll shut it down right away.
You will not get any Christmas present wrapping update follow-ups to I Do Not Celebrate Christmas.
And even if you were to say, I am an atheist and I don't celebrate Christmas, that's truth.
And you can speak it.
I mean, I think that there are ways to speak truth that are designed to make other people uncomfortable.
And that's no fun.
Like, you know, getting up in someone's face and really letting them,
letting them have your truth hard.
I mean, that's no fun whether you're telling someone you're an atheist or whether whether you're telling someone they believe in the wrong God.
That's no fun.
That's no good.
And sometimes the truth, even when stated politely, will make someone else uncomfortable.
Like you could make that shop attendant feel a little uncomfortable because, oh, they believe in God and you don't.
But that's okay.
You know what?
Maybe they're questioning what they believe in.
Maybe people don't want to feel totally comfortable all the time.
Discomfort is how we progress and learn and share with each other.
And in a quiet way, maybe you're you're giving comfort to someone who has grown up in a tradition that they are thinking maybe isn't for them.
And when they hear you don't celebrate Christmas, maybe they feel less alone.
You know, when a woman tells the truth, she is creating the possibility for more truth around her.
I believe that that quote is from Adrian Rich's incredible book of essays on lies, secrets, and silence, though I'm not entirely sure.
I was going to guess it was from Deuteronomy.
Never mind.
I think that when someone is asking that question,
there's no reason to lie to them.
Right.
But there is reason to remember that they're offering you that question in an attempt to make a friendly interaction.
They're offering it in the spirit of a generous season about which they carry very deeply.
And maybe they haven't considered that other people...
don't celebrate that holiday and it could be valuable to them to consider that.
But I think as long as you're offering the truth in the same spirit with which they inquired, you know, with which they offered you,
I think it's fine.
Yeah.
You just try saying it with a smile.
Try saying it kindly.
Yeah.
Well, and there's nothing to suggest that Laura isn't saying it kindly, but absolutely.
I mean, it is a gesture of goodwill that you can reply to in a spirit of goodwill.
It is a gesture of kindness
that deserves to be responded to with kindness, that is the spirit of the season, no matter what you call it, ideally the season all the year round,
but that does not preclude you from also being truthful.
Is it a little bit of a bomb to drop that you're an atheist in conversation at the Culpeper Colonnade on Montana's Drive or Pepperberry's Gift Shop on East Davis Street?
Maybe.
And you know, husbands telling their wives to lie to make the husbands feel more comfortable.
It's not a good look, Laura's husband.
And I'm just using husbands and wives in this term because that's the relationship between Laura and her husband.
But
if you're in there, if you're in the midst of this life with your partner, it's your job to back them up, back up their truth.
Don't ask them to hide that truth in a bushel.
Is that a biblical thing?
Don't ask them to hide that truth in a bushel, as the old saying goes.
From the book of Deuteronomy.
Preserving the past, wrapping the present.
As that one dude said to that other dude in the book of Deuteronomy.
I'm retired.
Joel, this is it.
This is the last episode.
All right.
Yeah, I'm retired.
Okay.
Okay.
Get another podcast in here, Joel.
Jesse, you got anything going?
I mean, honestly, no, Joel.
My whole career is pretty pro forma at this point.
Get a McElroy in here.
You got to get a McElroy.
Yeah, that's a route to success in podcasting.
Okay, we're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner.
We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.
The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.
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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.
Jesse, the reviews are in.
My new super soft hoodie from Quince that I got at the beginning of the summer is indeed super soft.
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Oh.
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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made Inn.
Let me ask you a question.
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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.
Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman Hodgman podcast.
We're clearing the docket, and we have a case here from Anne.
My husband, John, and I disagree about the best way to remove the money.
Jesse, I'm sorry.
Hang on.
Hang on one second.
Sorry, Ann.
I just want you all to know that that joke, the book of Deuteronomy,
that joke was made to me by David Guillaume in college.
Okay.
He wasn't a dad then.
He was just a college kid.
But we're both dads now.
We're both elderly.
We both make corny jokes.
And he was just visiting me here in Maine and that's why it was in my mind.
David Guillaume, solid joke.
These days it's airbrushed on the side of your classic cars that you've been working on.
On my van I'm going to have airbrushed a mural and it's going to be
a Jeff Bridges in a in a robe and it's going to say the book of Deuteronomy on it.
And all kinds of people are going to love me for it, even though I just watched that movie again and I still don't get it.
Sorry, I love the Cone brothers, but I do not get that.
Wow.
I don't get it.
Wow.
But I want to be,
but I'm middle-aged now and I want to be liked.
That's why I'm getting the van with Jeff Bridges and John Dutero and John Goodman on it and Sam Elliott.
And this is the book of Deuteronomy.
And I'm going to show this to my kids and I'm like, sorry, you can't go to graduate school.
I had to get this van.
And they'll be like, we saw this.
John's more of a lady killers guy.
Yeah, it's a great one.
Serious man.
Oh, Brother, where art thou?
That's a great one.
Love that.
Oh, excellent one.
I love them so much, those Cohen brothers.
I I auditioned for Burn After Reading.
Didn't get it.
Didn't get it.
Were you going to be the part where John Malkovich
is going?
I'm bigger than ever.
He's doing step aerobics in his boat.
It was between me and John Malkovich.
You're right.
It was.
It was.
He was auditioning.
He wasn't offer-only.
He was auditioning for that.
Malkovich is top tier.
Can I just say one thing before we go?
You know what?
I'll tell you all a little story after the credits about that.
Here's a case from Ann.
My husband John and I disagree about the best way to remove eggs from the carton.
I prefer to take the eggs from alternating ends of the carton so that the remaining eggs are grouped in the middle.
My husband prefers to remove eggs from one end only.
My method ensures that the carton is usually balanced.
My husband argues that with his method, he can grab the egg-heavy end and the weight of the carton will balance in his hand.
The problem is that I always grab the carton in the middle, and the unbalanced load from his method sometimes makes the carton unstable.
Look, we haven't dropped any cartons yet.
But if we did, the dog, C-pick, would lick up the eggs.
Now, Ann did provide a diagram of the egg methods, but I think this is clear enough.
You're alternating taking them from the front and the back so that the weight remains in the middle in her system.
And in John's system, he's always pulling them from the front, whatever is frontmost, so the weight becomes back heavy.
Yes, but I think it's really important that Ann included this diagram for two reasons.
One, so that we could put it up on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram account, as well as the show page at maximumfund.org, along with this wonderful picture of their dog.
Did you see this dog, Jesse?
Scroll down.
Oh,
the dog has an egg on its nose.
It's like between his eyes and
it's like, oh, how'd this egg get here?
I guess this is some kind of like a boxer, would you say?
Some kind of boxer?
Got that boxy snake.
Yeah, it looks like some kind of boxer mix, but most boxers don't have an egg on top of their snooze.
They've trained their dog to stand silently with an egg on his nose like a very good boy.
I don't even know what the name of this dog is.
They don't even say the name of the dog.
In my head, I call it Tater.
Yeah, I call him Eggo.
Both good.
Anyway, I'm also glad that Anne sent in this diagram because it made it clear just how deep in their brain this habit is embedded.
This is more...
Let me give you, let me tell you something, Anne.
You've never dropped these egg cartons and you never will.
I mean, how many times, Jesse, have you reached into your fridge and grabbed an egg egg carton, and because of the lack of balance, it went flip-seesawing out of your hand and onto the floor, and all the dogs come around and lick up the egg yolk?
100 times?
200 times or zero?
I've almost dropped it for this reason before.
You have?
If I'm honest.
I've dropped it, but like inside the refrigerator.
Because Teresa put the eggs in the wall, man.
That happened to me.
Really?
No, it was all me.
Yeah, it's me.
It was me.
Jennifer Marmer, how many times have you dropped the egg carton pulling it out of the fridge because of lack of balance?
Zero.
Zero times.
Sorry, Jesse.
No, I don't want to deny Jesse's lived experience.
I just didn't, maybe I misunderstood.
I just felt really saffy how I said zero.
I love it.
It was great.
I love a sassy zero from Jennifer Marmor.
Yeah, I say bring the sass, Jennifer.
Joel, you want to up the sass?
How many times do you drop the egg carton?
Zero.
Whoa, too much sass.
Zero?
Wow.
That's good.
Holy moly.
I got sass stuck in.
I'm going to get my, I have to get my ears cleaned because of all the sass that's in there.
Yeah, I, I could, I could see, all right, you know what?
All right, Anne.
I was going to say you're never going to drop that egg carton due to lack of balance, but I guess it does happen, right, Jesse?
I mean, it happened to me.
It was a, it was a two or three inch drop.
It was just awkward.
Right.
You know, it didn't break any eggs.
It just landed back on the shelf because I forgot.
And if you don't know who the last person to grab an egg was, and you live in a house where you have diametrically opposed egg-grabbing, I'm not going to say styles, systems.
This is one of those situations in a heterosexual couple where both the husband and the wife have a system.
Very unusual for Judge John Hodgman.
I mean, this is basically, I'm looking at these X's and O's.
This is basically a football team's offense install.
There's two brilliant offensive minds.
And they're not compatible.
These systems are not compatible with one another.
So
I guess if you have in your mind one system and the other person's using the other system, then there could be a real question mark about what to expect when you pull that egg carton to make your omelets or whatever.
Or to put an egg on your dog's snoop.
Yeah, I was going to say you can't make an omelette without putting an egg on your dog.
Everyone knows that.
It's in the book of Deuteronomy.
Yeah.
But that's what one dude said to another dude.
So
here are the solutions.
One solution, simple solution,
get your own eggs.
Not every married couple or non-married couple have the means to have each of them have an individual California king-size bed in separate villas facing each other across a reflecting pool.
I get it.
And lots of people would prefer to actually live their lives in close proximity with their partners, even while sleeping.
I get it.
But I bet it's within your means for you each to have your own egg carton.
Like,
right?
Like, eggs take a long time to go bad.
Why are you wiggling your eyebrows there, Jesse, at me?
I'm just loving it.
I'm loving his and hers egg cartons.
Yeah.
Like, you both have a system.
Each of your systems is valuable and works for you.
Get some separate egg cartons.
Buy separate eggs.
It doesn't mean that you don't trust each other.
It doesn't mean that it doesn't, it's not a, it's not a...
It's not a defilement of your marital vows to keep separate eggs.
Do that.
Here's another solution.
This is the one that I use in my home.
No more egg cartons, egg basket.
You don't have to keep eggs in the fridge.
If you're using them swiftly, they can stay out on the counter.
And you can put them all in a beautiful wire egg basket, or they're all jumbled up together.
Or you can put that egg basket in the fridge if you prefer cold eggs.
It's up to you.
Then you're not worrying about balance at all because they're all jumbled up together.
But here's my guess: is the jumbling up will drive one or both of you to extreme distraction?
Because I don't think anyone who has a system like this doesn't care about egg order.
I don't think they want jumbled up eggs.
I think they want their system to work.
You could get a rigid...
They want to open up that refrigerator and call 24 fly six jumbo left.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So, I mean, you could try an egg basket for a while, but I bet you wouldn't like it.
You could also get like a rigid permanent egg container.
You know, like not a cardboard box, but a thing that often comes with a new refrigerator.
You can get an egg container that's rigid, that is never going to flop out of your hand because it's
translucent, transparent.
That's what I have.
It's transparent.
I never have to wonder where the eggs are or where the center of balance is.
I can see it as soon as I open that refrigerator door.
But I bet you even that wouldn't work for you, Anne, and her husband.
Because looking in that transparent egg container and seeing that the eggs are being pulled from the wrong side is just going to become a point of friction in your marriage.
Respect your differences, respect your different systems, get to different egg cartons.
And also,
this little egg cartons.
Yeah, I mean, really,
now that I think about it, that's really the perfect egg storage solution for your family.
Just put your eggs on your dog.
Yeah, and just get a dozen dogs.
Yeah, get a dozen dogs, each of which has an egg balanced on their little snout.
Here's something from Janice in Silver Spring, Maryland.
Is butter a condiment?
My husband and two daughters say yes, but I'm adamant that the answer is no.
Have you ever seen butter on a condiment stand at a baseball game or fast food restaurant?
I don't think so.
My six-year-old son was on the fence about this, but ultimately reasoned that condiment man from Lego Batman does not spray his enemies with butter.
So butter cannot in fact
be a condiment.
Please help our family settle this weird dispute so we can once again live together in harmony.
I am going to confess that this email has been in the Judge John Hodgman inbox for a while.
And the reason for this is that every time I look at it, first of all, I get mad because I'm like, I made a vow, not to you, the listeners, but to myself, to not hear any more is X-Food a Y-food?
type cases.
There's no upside to it.
Food,
food history is too complicated.
Food usage is too personal.
It just engenders argument.
I just assumed you hadn't replied to it because you were waiting to finally be cast in one of those Lego Batman movies like every other
mid-tier comedian.
Never going to happen.
Never going to happen.
Not to a guy.
Let's get Hodgman in a Lego Batman.
Those Lego Batmans are fun.
Oh, of course.
I would love it.
One of them had a Jim Cotta joke.
A joke about Jim Cotta.
The movie Jim Cotta.
Karate skills, martial arts kills.
You mean an animated?
Gymnastic skills.
Gymnastic skills, karate kills.
You're saying
a form of animation had a gym cotta joke, and you're not talking about Dick Town on Hulu, pit.ly slash Dick Town?
I did appreciate that.
I really appreciated the Jim Cotta joke in Dick Town.
Let's get...
gym cotta jokes into all animated Brad Bird.
We're sending you an email.
It's your old email address.
Yeah.
Check your old email.
Check your old inbox, Brad Bird, because we've got a suggestion for you.
Put Jim Cotta in every animated thing.
That was on episode two of Dick Town, the mystery of the Mayby.
It's an action movie about gymnastics, Bradbird.
Yeah.
The Mystery of the Maybe Boyfriend, episode two, co-starring the incredible Anna Akana as Meg.
Check it out.
Anna Akana is so great.
Where were we?
Oh, yeah.
This is the other reason that the episode.
Where were we, John?
We were in the town square where we got chased by homicidal mad people.
And there just happened to be a pommel horse there in
the town square.
So we were able to kick them away using our gymnastic skills combined with our karate kills.
Pomo horse in the town square is not actually that uncommon here in New England.
Pretty common.
From the director of Enter the Dragon, Tim Cotta.
So this is us avoiding this question, right?
Because A,
it's another one of those is X food or Y food questions.
And B, this is the other reason that I've avoided this question for so long, because after the first time I read this, it got into my brain.
And now I'm like, is butter a condiment?
Maybe it is.
I don't know, Jesse.
Like my instinct initially is butter is not a condiment.
It's not a ketchup or a mustard, right?
Like a condiment is something you put on food at the last second.
before it's served.
But if butter is not a condiment, how do you explain buttered popcorn?
I would argue, from my perspective,
that as a first-class butter fingers who's constantly dropping egg cartons all over the place, your perspective
is valuable.
I would argue that
while butter in its natural form or semi-natural form probably fits a technical definition of condiment, it doesn't fit the spirit.
of condiment.
If you asked for a suite of condiments and butter was there, you would say, weird, butter is there.
That said,
I do feel like a compound butter maybe is a condiment.
I don't know.
Let's go to the king of compound butters, Joel.
It's certainly food for thought.
Brother.
Sad.
I guess we just got a preview of
what's on the side of Joel's van.
Scallops.
Scallops.
I can't wait to see your airbrushed van mural featuring
a gallon of scallops and then the motto, it's certainly food for thought.
Compound butter, condiment or no?
Yes.
Regular butter, condiment or no?
Yes.
All right.
Wow.
There's a strong argument for butter being technically a condiment.
I went, I did enjoy this question because that gave me the pleasure of reading
Wikipedia's list of condiments, which may be my new favorite novel.
There's just a lot.
There's a lot of interesting condiments out there in the world.
A lot of them.
To my mind, the primary function of a condiment is to add flavor.
And while butter does add flavor, the primary purpose of butter is to add fat.
Right.
Well, I'll say this.
Yes.
Although that could be said of mayonnaise.
Well, here's the thing, because you know, behind all of this issue of is butter a condiment or not was really my existential crisis around what is mayonnaise?
Because that's the one I care about.
And mayonnaise is obviously, it would seem obviously a condiment.
But if you eliminate butter from condimentness for the reason that you stated that it adds fat and flavor, well, that it adds fat and salt, the two biggest components of the mayonnaise experience, and the two things, the two flavors I love the most.
then then does mayonnaise then they get kicked out of the family of condiments?
I'll tell you, this list of condiments on Wikipedia includes a lot of incredible fish sauces and pastes and preserves and stuff.
It does include butter,
but it also includes hummus and icing.
So it's all wrong.
Yeah.
I would say that I'm looking at the list here, and the only one I agree with is gentleman's relish.
I forget what gentleman's relish.
That's anchovy paste, isn't it?
Basically.
Yeah, it's like an anchovy paste.
Didn't we get that?
I think I got a bunch of gentleman's relish with you in one of the famous department stores in London that has a food hall.
Not Harrod's.
Yeah.
Fortnum and Mason.
Yeah, Fortnum and Mason.
Yeah, that was a good day.
That's a man.
Fortnum and Mason's,
there's a tourist trap that delivers.
What an amazing place that is.
Oh, man.
I cannot wait.
Look, we're going to be obviously at the virtually attending.
the London Podcast Festival this year, but I cannot wait till we get to go back in person, go to Fortnum and Mason.
I'm going to buy some more Turkish delight.
It's not Turkish, and it is definitely not a delight, but Fortnum and Mason boxes it up so nice that I want to buy it and bring it home with me.
Turkish delight, not a condiment.
I hate to go to the dictionary definition of things, but I do think
that the etymology of the word condiment
does offer a clue to why it feels weird to call butter a condiment.
It comes from the Latin condimentum, meaning spice, seasoning, or sauce, which itself comes from the Latin condire, meaning to preserve, pickle, or season.
And I think preserve must include ferment, because one of the oldest condiments that we know of is called garum, and it was used in ancient Rome and throughout
the Mediterranean and the cradle of civilization
since the dawn of time.
And this is fish guts that are fermented to create an umami paste flavor that is the heart of...
Yeah, sort of gentleman's relish.
Yeah, that is the heart of gentleman's relish, that is the heart of Worcestershire sauce, that is the heart, obviously, of the various fish sauces throughout Southeast Asia.
There are arguments that fermenting of fish was part of early ketchups.
If you buy the argument that the term ketchup comes from the Malaysian ketchup.
And many non-fermented condiments like ketchup
contain vinegar for preservation.
Exactly.
That's the pickling part of the candir.
Including mayonnaise.
Including mayonnaise.
Thank you.
And mustard, of course, is just mustard seed and vinegar.
But
I do feel like there needs to be a pungency, a piquancy, in order for it to fit the condimentum family.
And as you point out, mayonnaise gives you the vinegar.
But where did mayonnaise come from, Jesse?
Aioli, garlic, piquancy.
Just because my beloved Ellman's mayonnaise, best foods if you're west of the Mississippi, is pretty darn bland, it doesn't mean that Duke's mayonnaise isn't pretty dang tangy.
There is a tang to mayonnaise that puts it in the condiment category.
And while butter itself is not a condiment, but an ingredient and indeed a food, compound butter, I'm going to give it to Joel just for his corn on the cob.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Joel.
John, can I plug plug a mayonnaise recipe?
Please do.
So past guest on Judge John Hodgman, Kenji Lopez-Halt,
has an amazing mayonnaise recipe.
Oh.
I had tried to make mayonnaise half a dozen times, and it never really worked right.
And I was like, you know what?
This isn't worth it.
I'm just going to use this mayonnaise in the fridge.
These days, my fridge mayonnaise is a cupie mayonnaise.
Oh, sure.
It's a nice mayonnaise.
Now, cupie mayonnaise comes from Japan, if I'm correct, right?
Yeah, that's correct.
There is an Americanized cupie mayonnaise that you find for sale.
You got to make sure you get that original Japanese cupie mayonnaise because the Americanized one, it has no monosodium glutamate in it.
But if you go to a good Asian grocery, you can get that cupie mayonnaise with the MSG in it.
And MSG is fine for you.
There's no problem with that.
It's just a natural compound that increases the umami flavor in foods.
So this is the outlines of this recipe.
And by the way, I said there's vinegar in mayonnaise, lemon lemon juice, there's an acid.
There's an acid.
Mayonnaise for preservation.
So all you have to do to make this mayonnaise, and it blew my mind, is you have to have a stick blender.
You have to have an immersion blender.
I have one.
Yeah, I have one as well.
And you have to have a jar.
where the opening is a little bigger than the stick blender.
I have.
If it's a lot bigger than the stick blender, it's not going to work.
But most stick blenders will fit very comfortably
but closely into the, you you know, like a bell jar.
Yeah, I have one of those.
Got it.
Got it off the shelf.
What else?
You put your oil.
Got it.
Hang on.
You put your egg.
Oh, duh.
Dropped the carton.
I can't believe it.
Should have balanced it better.
Oh, here come the dogs.
Oh, no.
How do these dogs get into this radio studio?
So you put your oil, you put your egg, you put your lemon juice, you put a little bit of mustard, you put some garlic if you'd like, some salt if you'd like.
And when you stick that stick blender down to the bottom, you let it settle as well.
When you stick that stick blender down to the bottom and you turn on the stick blender, it emulsifies like magic.
Like magic.
It is incredible how easy it is.
You don't have to do any drizzling.
You don't have to do any whipping.
Right.
Because traditionally for an emulsification, it's a long, you know, you got to drizzle the fat, the oil into the the other ingredients slowly while you whisk so that it doesn't break.
But you don't have to do it with a nice stick blender, do you?
So that's what he's saying.
You just put it in there down to the bottom, and it just goes
and it turns into mayonnaise
up to the top.
And then you got mayonnaise.
And then like me, you have mayonnaise day.
You make yourself a nice potato salad, a classic, a classic sweet pickle potato salad for lunch.
And for dinner, you make past Judge John Hodgman guest esquites with some fresh California summer corn.
Joel, cancel all the other podcasts you booked in here.
I'm back.
I'm back on the air.
I'm not retiring after all.
Thank God.
We're turning it into a mayonnaise podcast.
Turning it into.
And in some ways, it always has been.
Can I give you a tip here from
coming to you straight from Maine, as I used to say about Poland Spring?
Sure.
I make a Maine-style lobster salad, that is to say, with mayonnaise, not a Connecticut-style lobster salad, which is to say, warm in drawn butter.
No, I need a condiment in my lobster salad, and that condiment is mayonnaise.
But lately, I've also been adding some Sichuan chili oil.
And all of a sudden,
it's a whole new world.
What do you think about that, Joel?
I'm going to try it.
Yeah, you should give it a try.
It's definitely a condiment.
You know why those food hipsters like that chili crisp condiment?
Yeah.
I got a jar of that.
Yeah, it's super good.
That's why they like it.
That's why they like it.
It's so good.
You know what?
A podcast just about mayonnaise has a limited audience, and I think a limited number of episodes.
But we could easily turn this into a condiment podcast, and all of a sudden, we're going to be a worldwide phenomen.
Yeah.
Look out, Mitch and Nick.
Here comes the condiment boys.
We got to come up with the conda.
Condiment.
The condomin.
The condomen?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's workshop.
Workshop, Lynn, to punch it up a little bit.
Yeah, punch it up, Lynn.
The condomen are back in town.
We'll figure it out.
Lynn.
let's take a quick break when we come back a fun fact about new albany indiana
you know we've been doing my brother my brother me for 15 years and maybe
maybe you stopped listening for a while maybe you never listened and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years i know where this has ended up but no
No, you would be wrong.
We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.
Yeah.
You don't even really know how crypto works.
The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.
We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.
And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.
So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.
All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.
Let's learn everything.
So let's do a quick progress check.
Have we learned about quantum physics?
Yes, episode 59.
We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?
Yes, we have.
Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?
Episode 64.
So how close are we to learning everything?
Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.
Oh, we're ruined!
No, no, no, it's good news as well.
There is still a lot to learn.
Woo!
I'm Dr.
Ella Hubber.
I'm regular Tom Lom.
I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.
And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.
Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.
Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.
Now, we've got a mailbag here at the Judge John Hodgman Podcast, a literal bag of physical mail.
It's a tremendous inconvenience to us, we who are working from home from opposite sides of this great nation.
Yeah, I can't open the door to get into the studio because of the mailbag.
And the mail is all, it's spilling out onto the floor with these mixed up eggs that I dropped due to bad balance of carton.
Yeah, well, I mean, as soon as you start spilling mail, you got to worry about the dogs licking it up.
But let me tell you something.
Every now and then I get a letter, no matter how much it's been licked by a dog, nor how ready it is to be turned into French toast.
That's how soaked in egg it is.
You got to read this letter.
Because Jesse, we did get a letter this week from a listener named Justin.
And you remember we were talking about Jerome at the top of the podcast.
Jerome is not only famous for charging me top dollar for very lovely bolo ties that he makes himself there in New Albany, Indiana, but also for these beautiful murals featuring images of space taken from the Hubble telescope as interpreted by his friend Catherine.
And Justin wrote to point out something that I didn't know, but I bet Jerome did, but was too modest to talk about or just got too, but just got too deep in the weeds on his bolo ties to mention.
But Justin writes, quote, Edwin Hubble, for whom the telescope was named, Edwin Hubble himself lived in New Albany, Indiana.
I didn't know that.
Justin writes, it seems that given all of this episode's Hubble-aloo,
Hubble-Aloo, it is quite a multi-dimensional cosmic coincidence that Jerome's TARDIS and unsigned Hubble tapestries hang probably only blocks away from the high school where Edwin Hubble himself once taught math, physics, and apparently Spanish.
Admittedly, I only learned this one out of idle curiosity looked up on Wikipedia whether New Albany had been named after Old Albany in New York or some other Albany.
But who cares?
Because I uncovered this instead.
And it's true, Edwin Hubble, for whom the Hubble telescope was named, taught physics and Spanish and was also the basketball coach at New Albany High School.
And you know what the name of their
athletics team is, Jesse?
What's that, John?
Bulldogs.
Dang it.
It's never anything interesting.
Come on, high school teams.
Come up with something better.
Well, sometimes it's interesting, but only in a bad way.
They have teams in swimming, tennis, track, basketball, football, cross-country, soccer, golf, wrestling, dance team.
Their colors are black and red.
And hang on, it has its own public access television cable TV channel since 1980, the new Albany High School.
Good job, you guys.
Jesse Thorne, I believe the docket is clear.
It is indeed.
That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.
Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.
Our editor is Valerie Moffat.
Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, the program and operations manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine.
You can listen to WERU at weru.org, and you can follow Joel on Instagram at the Maine Mann.
Hey, listen, if you're still listening to Judge John Hodgman right now, make sure that you take the time to buy tickets to our live show Thursday, September 9th.
We are going to be live from slash with the London Podcast Festival.
We're not actually going to London, but this is part of the London Podcast Festival.
Tickets are on sale now.
You can watch from anywhere in the world.
It's at a time that you can watch in the United States, 12.30 on the West Coast, 3.30 on the East Coast.
You can also watch it tape delayed if you so choose, or digital tape delayed.
This is going to be our probably our only live show this year.
So if you're in a place where you haven't been able to see us live in the past, or if you have seen us live in the past and you want to see us live again, make sure to get those tickets.
Get those tickets to the London Podcast Festival, Judge John Hodgman, on sale now.
And remember, if you are from England, Ireland, Scotland, or Wales and you have a case, please make sure to submit it at maximumfund.org slash jjho and let us know where you are.
In fact, no matter who you are, go to maximumfund.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfund.org with your cases.
You can follow us on Twitter at jesse thorne and at hodgman.
We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman, where you can see this great picture of my man Tater with the egg on his nose.
Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H.
O.
And if you want to chat about the show, you can do it on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com.
Just don't come in guns blazing being a heel.
Nobody wants a heel.
No, be a face.
Just come in and be friendly.
Have fun.
Everybody there is friendly.
If you come in and be a heel, people are going to downvote you.
Go in and be friendly.
Friendly, everyone there is super nice and friendly.
Yeah, it's great.
It's a nice place, maximumfund.reddit.com.
I love, I have a good time.
I have a good time visiting.
Judge Hodgman goes there.
I go there.
Jen goes there.
We'll chat with you.
You know what?
Sometimes I go in there and I just hand out awards.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Give people a little flying rocket ship award.
Sometimes I give them
a little gold coin.
Maximumfund.reddit.com.
Yeah, maximumfund.read.com.
Look, I'll give you an award somehow.
I don't know how it works.
I'm going to give you an award in a minute.
For like five years, I had a weird title on there that I couldn't change.
It made me uncomfortable.
I couldn't figure out how you change your title.
I finally did after.
Is the Facebook user interface not confounding enough for you?
Yeah.
Anyway,
we're going to go on Reddit and play Farmville.
We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
Judge Hodgman, you promised us,
I guess, a Malkovich story.
No, it's not a Malkovich story.
It's not a Malkovich story.
Remember Jeff from Maine?
Yes.
Remember Jeff from Maine.
Well, it turns out there are other Jeffs in the world because I knew a Jeff a long, long time ago.
And he was the boom operator on the on the Apple ads that I worked on with Justin Long and Phil Morrison.
And it was around that time that I was asked to audition for Burn After Reading.
And
I was telling the story about how I went in and I didn't get the part.
And the part was like two lines at the beginning of the, I was like an accountant or something.
I would have been.
Two lines at the beginning of the movie.
And Jeff was listening to me as he always was.
He was always listening through that boom mic because that was his job.
And he would joke around with us.
And Jeff would give me little hints about how to be on set because it was all new to me.
Jeff's big hint to me about professionalism on set and in the world is the only person who enjoys whistling is the person who is whistling, which was his way of saying shit.
I don't blame him.
He had a boom mic on me all the time.
I come in the next day.
He's sitting up there on top of that stepladder, hovering that boom mic over me.
And he goes, hey, John.
Hey, John.
It's like I hear him from the darkness.
Hey, John.
I'm like, yo, what's up, Jeff?
He goes,
I found out who got that part in burn after reading because it hadn't been shot yet, right?
Found out who got that part instead of you.
Yeah.
I said, really?
I mean, do I want to know?
He said, I don't know.
Do you?
And I said, well, yeah.
He said, Lonnie Anderson,
which was a lie.
But I totally believed Jeff.
Jeff was in my head.
I'm like, Lonnie, well, I can't complain about that.
Lonnie Anderson, unusual casting.
There's no way I could compete with Lonnie Anderson.
The Cohen brothers
have done it again.
I'm saying this on set.
They were looking for something different.
It turned out.
And it's like, that is totally a call that the Cohen brothers would make.
Like, why not Lonnie Anderson in this part?
And I'm so, I'm going on and on and on about this.
And then finally, Jeff goes, no, I'm just messing with you.
It's not Lonnie.
I don't care.
I don't know who it is and I don't care.
Jeff.
Good Jeff is making me brisket.
Bad Jeff is listening to my every word.
These are the two Jeffs in my life.
This is my new religion that I'm going to tell everyone about in Culpeper, Virginia, whenever I'm shopping.
Get ready to hear my truth: the cult of the two Jeffs.
Goodbye.
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