Hot Drink Legend

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

Who, me?

Oh, I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me from Brooklyn, New York City is

Max VunCon t-shirt man, Judge John Hodgman.

I am wearing my Max VunCon t-shirt from the year 2015.

This was the baby blue t-shirt year.

That's how I remember 2015.

And a wonderful Max VunCon.

Looking forward to getting back back in person with you soon, my friend Jesse Thorne.

But right now, I'm looking at you, and you obviously are looking at me through the magic of teleconferencing.

There is Jennifer Marmor, both of you in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, California.

I'm sorry, I was a little distracted as we were getting going there at the top.

I was just completing my order of

a wedding present for you and Teresa, Jesse.

Holy cow.

Well, you just had your birthday, and I didn't get you anything for your birthday.

So now I feel like the heel.

And so the grudge chalice is is passed.

Yeah.

From me to thee.

Let us sip of the cup.

Jesse,

I turned 50 years old the other day.

Congratulations.

I wasn't going to say.

No, and it was, that's fine.

Look, it's

age is just a number, which records your body's study deterioration and hurdle towards death.

I mean, the good news is, John, you just admitted to having turned 50 years old.

And look, let's be honest, you've never looked better.

You're sharp as a tack.

Thank you.

I mean it.

In fact, I texted you about it the other day.

I was like, Jones really looks great.

But that's not the point.

The point is this.

You said on our show that you just turned 50 years old.

And I was a little surprised.

But then I remembered, oh, yeah, no one in show business listens to this show.

Yeah, that's no.

So we don't have to worry about it.

There's no reason to hide it.

Yeah, exactly.

As far as show business is concerned, I am perpetually 39 years old, just like Jeff Emmett.

Librarians don't mind if John is 50.

That's right, exactly.

Graphic designers are fine with it.

I'll tell you, I've never looked better, particularly the other day, because it just got very, very, very hot here in Brooklyn.

And I went for a walk in the hot and oppressive sunshine.

And I found myself, as I often do, wandering through.

my beloved Greenwood Cemetery, the historic Greenwood Cemetery here in Brooklyn.

Acres and acres of graves.

That's their motto, I believe.

But I mean, it's totally just a beautiful landscaped cemetery to walk through.

Incredible amount of history, incredible views of Manhattan and other parts of the city.

And it was so hot and it was so sunny, and I was so alone in the graveyard that I did something I almost never do, which is I took my shirt off.

I went topless in the graveyard, Jesse.

I'm like, it's hot out here, and I don't want to get a farmer tan.

Now, obviously, everybody use sunscreen.

I should have put on sunscreen, but in this one case, I just thought, I'm 50 years old.

I'm going to live a little and go topless in the graveyard.

And I've never felt more alive

or more grateful that no one else was around because I'm surely would have terrified other human beings and children.

You've never felt more alive because all the skeletons were wearing turtlenecks.

I felt positively vibrant

because the ground was vibrating as every corpse in every grave turned over.

When I said that.

To avert its dead eyes.

When I said that, I immediately imagined a bunch of skeletons in the graveyard

wearing turtlenecks and doing a little dance and going,

Yeah, like those two skeletons that dance with Tom Hanks and David S.

Pumpkins.

More on that when we get to the plugs.

Now we've got some docket.

Here's a case from Max in Oakland.

Recently, while dining at a local German beer garden with friends, I ordered a hot peppermint tea so I could stay warm on a blustery evening.

The mug arrived only half full of water, but I didn't notice until after I had already started steeping my tea.

The next time the waiter returned to our table, I asked if I could have some more hot water for my tea.

He said he'd take care of it.

After he left, my friends Nikki, Jenna, Ryan, and Tyler all insisted I was being rude and demanding.

They said I should have finished the hot water I'd been given before asking for more.

I think it was a reasonable request since I wanted my tea to steep evenly and to enjoy a full mug of tea before having to refill it.

I ask you order my friends to apologize and pay me $1.50,

half of what I paid for the tea, each.

What?

Each.

Because that's how much tea they think I should get to enjoy.

Ooh, that's a burn on.

what are the friends' names again?

That's Nikki, Jenna, Ryan, and of course, don't forget, Tyler.

Yeah, I'm going to say all those friends are made up.

Yeah.

I just have this image of Max and Oakland sitting in the German beer garden with his half cup of tea on a blustery winter evening by himself, imagining a conversation with Nikki, Jenna, Ryan, and Tyler.

Four other seats at the same table,

each occupied by a skeleton in a turtleneck.

Ha-cha-cha.

Oh.

I ever tell you about the time that my oldest friend, Damon Graff,

now representing,

well, I don't know what he's representing.

He's representing his block in the Brookline town meeting in Brookline, Massachusetts.

I don't know what his constituency is, but he's a member of town meeting now.

Just got in.

Good job, Damon.

Congratulations.

But I ever tell you about when Damon was talking all about his imaginary friend.

We were probably five or six.

And I don't remember the name of his imaginary friend, but I suddenly felt very self-conscious that I didn't have an imaginary friend.

Because honestly, why would I need an imaginary friend?

I'm an only child.

Am I not enough for myself?

Of course, I am.

I contain multitudes.

But I suddenly felt very self-conscious I didn't have an imaginary friend.

So I made one up on the spot.

I said, I too have an imaginary friend.

And he said, well, what's your imaginary friend's name?

And I got totally stumped.

And I looked around in a panic in the room that we were in.

And I said, hmm, windowsill.

Those are your friends, Max.

Windowsill, my imaginary friend.

Like you were in a comedy sketch from 1961.

I don't know.

It was a real thing.

It wasn't a comedy sketch.

And it was not in 1961.

I'm not that old.

Jesse, let's presume for a moment that Max actually has real human being friends who are with Max in Oakland at the German beer garden not that long ago on a blustery winter evening.

What's your take on

Max asking for a re, not even a refill, a top-up on his half cup of hot water?

So

presumably this is one of those situations where you're at a restaurant and you're served a cup of hot water and a tea bag on the side, right?

Yes.

I think it's entirely reasonable to expect a full mug of hot water.

Of course, that's this is the this restaurant

is already charging $3 for a 20-cent teabag.

Right.

They're doing fine on the transaction.

They can pour a little more water in there because I think Max is right, and it's reasonable to say he wants to control the amount of

steepage.

Yeah.

And he wants to have some control over the temperature and volume.

You know, tea bags are sized for a certain amount of water and a certain length of steepage.

Yeah.

And those things should be within his control.

It's perfectly reasonable.

That's what the waiter is there for.

I

completely agree with you.

And I will stipulate that Max likes what he likes.

and got what he wanted and it was appropriate.

The only hesitation, the only caveat that I offer is

that in terms of the proper steepage, and I know I'm going to get some letters from tea stands,

but honestly, I'm standing up for tea stands here by saying this isn't tea.

This is leaves.

Peppermint tea is not tea properly, as far as I'm concerned.

This is just like,

you might as well be making tea out of the dried basil from a jar in your spice rack.

I'm still hung up on tea stands.

What can I say?

Tea, we stand a hot drink legend.

I'm 50 years old and I'm just trying to keep up with the lingo.

Kids.

What's the matter with kids these days?

But the point I'm making is that

I love peppermint tea.

Love it.

Absolutely adore it.

Do I consider it the same as an Earl Gray?

No.

That is a carefully blended mix of teas and flavors that really, I think, requires an appropriate temperature

and an appropriate steepage to bloom, as it were.

Whereas I think peppermint is just,

I'm going to get letters, but I think it's kind of basically,

it's just junky spices.

That said,

you like what you like, Max.

I love it too.

I don't buy the steepage argument that much.

And the other thing is,

I would completely agree with you 100% with no caveats if you were in a restaurant.

But the thing that gave me pause is, this is not a restaurant.

this is a German beer garden.

That's a big move.

If you're going out with friends, real or imaginary, to a German beer garden.

And of course, maybe you don't drink, right?

Maybe you're not there to drink beer and eat versts or whatever.

But the vibe of a German beer garden, of course, is an open-air

sort of umpah pas carnival with big steins of beer, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, or if you want, root beer or

some other kind of cold, foamy beverage.

But to get a peppermint tea,

that feels, that's just a little, it's a little outside the grain.

I have to imagine that maybe the reason you didn't get what you wanted the first time you asked for it was

your server might have just been a little bit blindsided.

Like, I got to go find, I got to go buy peppermint tea.

Yeah, the waiter had to spend 15 minutes asking around if anyone had a tea bag in their purse.

Right.

Exactly.

The waiter had to call his, her, or their aunt and say, can you get down here with your carpet bag?

I need some peppermint tea and a kettle, please.

Is the aunt Mary Poppins?

That's right.

Aunt is Mary Poppins.

So I'm just going to say,

Max, I edited something out, Jesse, you should know in Max's letter.

When Max said, I asked if I could have some more hot water, Max actually wrote, I kindly asked if I could have more hot water.

And I cut kindly because I don't need your opinion of your own motives there, Max.

I just want to know the facts, Max.

But that kindly, I kind of circled that too, because it felt to me like, hmm, you're really pushing kindly.

Made me suspicious, Max.

Maybe you weren't being as kind as you are representing yourself as being.

Yeah, this whole thing stinks.

I'm just saying, these friends sound like phony ghosts.

Yeah.

Or skeletons.

Skeletons and turtlenecks.

You're really pushing how kind you are.

But even if we stipulate, Max, to the likelihood that A, this actually happened, B, your friends are real.

C, you kindly asked for the tea that you like and the way you like to have it.

You can be, in a restaurant situation, as polite and as kind as possible.

But no matter how hard you try to be nice and kindly, Be mindful.

You're still ordering peppermint tea in a German beer hall.

When you are making requests

of wait staff, be very mindful of the context.

Like, this might not be a thing they're too familiar with.

This may be a little bit odd.

Maybe make sure that the waiter is not harried or that it's not too busy an evening.

I have a feeling you did everything right, Max.

I'm going to choose to believe you because I believe in Max.

that you were kindly and your friends are real.

But to everyone out there, though I rule in Max's favor, when you are making a special request, it's not enough necessarily to be kindly.

To paraphrase the great Peter Serafinowicz, aka the Tick and Robert Popper on their show, look around you.

Look around you.

Just take it all in

before you make that special request.

Because it's not a request, it's a special request.

Can I add one more thing about that

special request?

Please, Jennifer Marmor.

Oh, now the AC in the office turned on, but whatever.

That's all right.

Look, no one from Showbiz is listening.

That's true.

Yeah, except those skeletons.

They're triple threats.

Yeah.

So very quickly, in addition to it being a special request in a beer hall, it is a beer hall where most of the drinks are served very cold, and the server is trying to get them out at a clip, you know, very fast.

And having the bring

a thing of hot water to a table quickly, it slows them down.

It might have been a little, it just was a little out of the repertoire of where you were.

I get it.

It was bluster evening.

Everyone's trying to enjoy the outdoors together.

I get it.

But one more thing.

Just to be very clear, Max, I am finding in your favor, and your friends have to cobble together out of their skeleton purses $1.50 to give you, but not each, Max.

You're just getting greedy.

You're just trying to soak your skeleton friends for money at that point.

A buck fifty, that's what you get.

How many bits is that?

25 cents is two bits.

I thought you were talking about Bitcoin.

2, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

12 bits.

No bitcoins.

A beer and a tea.

12 bits.

Beer and a teacup.

12 bits.

There you go.

We got it.

Okay, here's something from Emma in Halifax.

Oh, okay.

Okay, my partner Peter had his first book of horror essays published last year.

A huge milestone for him.

There are many authors who have inspired him, but there's one in particular, R.

L.

Stein, author of the Goosebumps series.

I suggested Peter should send a copy of his book to R.

L.

Stein through his fan mail address.

He believes this is cringy and would feel like self-promotion.

He worries it would come off as though he is expecting something in return.

I, however, think it would be a very kind acknowledgement to such an important figure in Peter's life.

I would like the judge to order Peter Peter to send a copy of his book to R.L.

Stein.

So, I know Emma and Peter.

I met them in Toronto outside the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage after I did a vacation land show there.

And Emma and Peter came down from Halifax.

I love Halifax.

I look forward to our going to Halifax, Jesse Thorne.

Have you ever been to Halifax, Nova Scotia?

No, never once.

Jennifer Marmor?

No, I haven't.

Well, I'll tell you this about Halifax.

Surprisingly hilly.

Yeah, it's like the San Francisco of Nova Scotia.

Yeah.

That's what everyone calls it.

And you know what the Nova Scotia treat is?

What is the Nova Scotia treat, John?

Lunenburg pudding.

Look it up.

Okay.

Anyway, hi.

Emma and Peter.

I support you, and I support Peter, and I'm happy for Peter having his first book of horror essays published last year.

And I appreciate, Emma, that you're trying to push Peter a little bit out of his comfort zone to send this book to R.L.

Stein.

But I'm a little amazed that you didn't even name Peter's book

in your letter to me.

Here you are trying to flog this book to poor R.L.

Stein.

Don't you think I'd want to know what the name of this book is?

It's called Be Scared of Everything, Horror Essays by Peter Counter.

ISBN number 978-198-87-84564.

I believe believe that's correct.

We list that ISPN number for all the graphic designers who are listening.

That's right.

We stand an ISPN number.

So, Jesse.

We stand a book identification legend.

Oh, boy, that's a really hard roast of the Dewey Decimal system.

There's a big feud between the ISPN stands and the Dewey Decimal stands.

Jesse,

what do you think about this one, though?

Should Peter send a copy of his book to R.

L.

Stein?

Well, I get a lot of books in the mail myself.

That informs my opinion on this.

Please.

I get a lot of unsolicited books both from publishers because I'm a public radio host.

That's right.

And from

listeners of

my various podcasts.

Yeah.

My feeling about it is this.

I,

like,

I imagine, R.L.

Stein,

am so- Are the master of children's horror?

Yes.

And have been portrayed by Jack Black in a series of successful and much better than they needed to be movies.

I'll take your word for it.

Yeah, those Goosebumps movies are fun.

My daughter likes them.

So

I get a lot of books in the the mail, both from the people who write them and from publishers.

I have to say that when I get a book in the mail from a listener, from someone who has really chosen to send me a book personally,

I am always touched, but then I do always feel guilty when it ends up in a recycling bin because

as a public radio host, I am overwhelmed by the inflow of books.

So

I would say this.

I don't think that sending the book is cringy.

I don't think it's inappropriate self-promotion.

I think that if Peter included a note that said, Dear Mr.

Stein, you are a great inspiration to me, and I'm grateful for your work.

I just published this book and thought I would like to send along a copy to you.

You're under no obligation to do anything with it.

I think that would be appropriate, and R.L.

Stein might be grateful to get that note if it made it to him.

But I wouldn't do that with any expectation that anything will happen to any of it other than for it to go into a pulping machine.

And here is the thing:

I think that R.L.

Stein,

who I met in passing once, was a lovely person,

A.K.A.

Jovial Bobstein.

Did you know that?

No.

Jovial Bobstein.

By the way, I didn't even know this until like two minutes ago.

R.L.

Stein is also Jovial Bobstein.

And look, nostalgia is a toxic impulse, but that hit me hard because I was like, you mean the author of Gnasty Gnomes?

The rip-off book of the Gnomes book that was a big part of my 10-year-old childhood?

It was not a rip-off, but it was a parody where it's just like, yeah,

the book Gnomes was all about how adorable and thoughtful and mindful gnomes were and how they lived in peace with nature with full of amazing European illustrations of gnomes.

A very, very popular book in about 1980 or so.

And Jovial Bob Stein was a humor writer for children,

hence the nickname Jovial Bob,

which is really kind of the top nickname for a humorist.

Because it's not making any claims to being funny.

Definitely jovial.

Yeah.

Yeah, just good spirits.

Good spirit.

Chucklin Bob Stein wrote this thing about how all these gnomes just, all they do is eat their own snot and stuff, and it was very transgressive.

Loved it.

Also, it turns out, was the founding editor of Bananas Magazine, which was a scholastic publishing teen magazine in the late 70s, early 80s that I remember very distinctly from my after-school program, just littered with these bananas magazines.

Oh, I went back and I looked at a few covers.

Jesse Thorne, boy, I tell you something.

19th, you can say whatever about the the past.

You can't go back to it.

It wasn't better.

Nostalgia is a toxic impulse.

It's terrible.

But there is something happening in the late 70s, early 80s when a teen magazine could have this many 39-year-old men on the cover.

That was like, how many Starsky and Hutch?

How many Starsky and Hutch slash BGs covers can you have?

Look at all these old balding men on the cover of these teens magazines.

It was funnier, Chico or JJ.

I know, right?

That was the divisive issue of our time.

Chico and the man or JJ.

Here goes David Hasselhoff saying, can you keep a secret?

I get car sick.

Bananas magazine.

I'll tell you what.

So irreverent.

I'm just, I started out by saying,

Bob,

jovial Bob, a.k.a.

R.

Elstein, very nice person.

I met him in passing.

I'm sure you would feel no obligation whatsoever,

Peter, if you were to send him a copy of Be Scared of Everything horror essays by Peter Counter.

He would feel no obligation because he would never see it.

Because Jovial Bob Stein has another nickname, big time jovial Bob.

Guy, you're absolutely right.

If he's got a fan mail address, there is someone that he has hired to receive these letters and these books and these tributes because Jovial Bob doesn't want to see him, as jovial as he is.

It is such a gift to be sent things by people, especially people that admire you.

I mean, it's a literal gift, as well as

a deeply figurative gift.

And there are sometimes, there are times

in this world where we are all getting older and all accumulating stuff that we don't have the room to store or pay attention to,

when the figurative gift is a little bit more appreciated than the literal gift.

That the sentiment is more important than the thing.

Because a sentiment is something that is very easy for me to process.

It makes me feel good.

If it's an email saying, I liked the show this week, then I can say, thanks.

And our work is done.

You have shared a feeling with me.

But if you share a thing with me, whether that is a physical thing, like a book that you've written,

that is a thing

that I have to take time to deal with.

And it is a thing that, as much as I know you mean it when you say, you don't have to read this,

it's hard for me to not feel like I have to that I'm it's hard for me to not feel I'm letting you down if I don't have the time to look at it that's why big time jovial R.

L.

Stein

has

someone to accept these things.

That is why it would cause no problem whatsoever for Peter to send a copy of his book because that book is never, I think it's fair to say, and Jovial Bob, if you're listening, correct me if if I'm wrong, it's never going to get near Jovial Bob.

Because it just, if he's anything, he's as nice as I think he is, it hurts his heart to not be able to give every

wonderful physical tribute that people might send him their due.

So since you know that it will cause Jovial Bob no harm, because he'll never see it, you may say, why not go ahead and send it in?

Well, the answer there is also clear because Emma, Peter just isn't comfortable with it.

Peter feels that it would put a burden of obligation, not just on Jovial Bob, but the person that Jovial Bob has hired to deal with this stuff.

And it would make him feel cringy and

presumptuous and hat-in-handy.

And you have to respect that.

I mean, I don't get it.

Why are you even sending Jovial Bob this thing?

You know how to reach me, Emma.

You've mailed me stuff before.

Send me a copy of Peter's thing.

This I'm demanding now.

I'm demanding a copy of Be Scared of Everything horror essays by Peter.

I'm really offended that you would think of R.L.

Stein before me.

But I will only accept it if you also send in three copies of Bananas magazine.

Because that is something I really also want to look at as soon as possible.

So yeah, Emma, I appreciate you're trying to plug Peter's stuff, but I think that Peter just doesn't feel comfortable with sending the book.

If anything, Peter could send an email, you know, because an email might actually get through to Jovial Bob.

And if you just want to say, I really appreciate what you've done, Jovial Bob, it'll only make him more jovial is my guess.

We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

Here's a case from Eric in Davis, California.

My wonderful wife is named Genesis.

I really love her name.

So would we go to parties and other gatherings, I like to introduce her as Genesis.

She prefers to go by Jenny and wants me to introduce her as such.

After the last party we went to, she told me that it truly bothers her when I introduce her by her legal name.

I'm of course willing to introduce her as Jenny if that is what she prefers.

If

it would be hard for him to know if she prefers it or not.

I mean, what clue?

He would have to read the first half of this paragraph.

Yeah, and who wrote that?

Him?

It's impossible to say.

But I feel like that would be unnecessarily sacrificing cool points at these parties.

It's a really great name.

Please, Judge Hodgman, we seek your wisdom.

Well, first I have to know: is this Peter Gabriel Genesis or post-Peter Gabriel Genesis?

Hey, Genesis humor.

If it's Phil Collins Genesis, I mean,

it's definitely much more acceptable at a party.

You know what I mean?

Like,

you might enjoy Phil Collins' Genesis at a party, but it's not the same Genesis

and other gatherings.

Parties and other gatherings.

All right, well, the question answers itself.

Jenny has already told you how she prefers to be introduced, and you want me to overrule her.

That's never going to happen.

But I get it, Eric.

How did Eric sign this letter?

Best Eric.

Last name withheld.

Right.

I get with a weird last name like last name withheld.

You can maybe understand why someone with an unusual name might not want to have that conversation when they wander in.

Oh, I didn't realize this.

The last name withheld is not your last name, Eric.

That is your request that we not say your last name.

Hmm.

Interesting.

I don't know.

Call me bananas, edited by jovial Bob Stein, but I'm going to honor your request, Eric.

You know, just

honor her request.

Jesse Thorne, did I ever tell you about the time I stopped at the Jensen's on the way up to

Max FunCon?

I mean, we've talked a lot about different supermarkets you've stopped at on the way to Max FunCon.

No, I only talk about, there's only one that I stop at on the way to Max FunCon.

That's the Jensen Supermarket in Blue Jay, California.

Yeah.

And

they have an attached Starbucks there because they're pretty fancy.

And there was a person there who took my order and they were wearing a name tag.

And you know what the name tag said on it?

I have to spell it for you.

C-Y-R-K-L.

Wow.

And I said, how do you pronounce your name?

And they said,

Circle.

and I'm like right

a lot of hippies

moved to these mountains and hugged and kissed and had children and gave them names like Genesis and Circle

and while they had the name tag circle and still love their name and are proud of it they are definitely aware that it is an invitation to a conversation.

And if I learned anything from Leela,

the young child who wrote in an audio commentary dubbing me Judge Wrong Hodgman for encouraging people to name their children after months, some people don't want to have conversations about their names.

So, Eric,

I want to say your last name so hard here to prove a point, but I don't want you to get in trouble with your friends and neighbors.

Jenny, I apologize on behalf of Eric.

Eric,

call Jenny by her name, Jenny.

Boy, oh boy.

It's like, do you love a whole human being or just the fact that you're going out with a person named Genesis?

I mean, I could get it.

If I were 15, I'd be very excited about going out with a person named Genesis.

But you're grown-ups now.

Here's something from Peter in New York, New York.

Dear Judge, for years I've wanted to install an artificial indoor potted tree in the home I share with my wife and children.

Although my wife loves plants, we live in an apartment with low light and two cats.

I believe an artificial tree would look great in the corner, behind a new chair we're buying.

My wife thinks indoor plants are ridiculous and dismisses the idea outright.

I believe indoor plants are very realistic, no maintenance, pet resistant, and would add the leafy beauty to our home that my wife and all of us so desperately desire.

Please issue an order allowing a beautiful artificial indoor tree like a ficus, fiddle leaf, or even palm to be installed in the corner of our living room behind our new chair.

Now, he's not claiming that ficuses and fiddle leaves and palms are fake intrinsically.

He's talking about...

Yeah, that's the whole thing.

Really?

Yeah, the whole premise of this is that he claims that those are fake trees.

There's no such thing as a real palm tree?

Yeah,

they're just an elaborate fiction directed by Stanley Kubrick at the behest of the Kennedy family.

I heard that all the palms went away and the ones that we have in Los Angeles and all around the country, Ronald Reagan brought in and they're spying on us.

Yeah, it's just a whole Reagan thing.

Hey, do you guys want to hear a really corny dad joke?

Yeah.

That came out of my mouth very close to my birthday.

Yes.

So my wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, gave me a really incredible birthday gift, which is this vintage teak ice bucket, a Dansk ice bucket, which I've wanted an ice bucket for the longest time.

And this one is so beautiful.

And David Reese, who is in town for a secret project, came over for dinner and he was admiring the ice bucket.

He said, That's a really nice ice bucket.

I said, Yeah,

my wife got it for me.

You know why she got it for me?

And he goes, No.

He goes, I say,

because she knew it was on my bucket list.

Yay.

A long walk to that one.

Like, like I got a list of buckets that I want to get before I die.

Ice is one of them.

John, can I give you an alt for that?

Yeah, okay.

You want to punch up?

You want to punch it up?

Yeah, I'll be John.

You be David Reese.

Okay.

Hey, John, this is a really nice ice bucket that you got.

Oh, thank you.

My wife got it for me for my birthday.

Do you know why she got it for me?

No.

To hold ice.

That's anti-comedy comedy.

Yeah.

I got you.

Little millennial.

Screw up watching Norm McDonald.

All right, let me bring this back now to Peter.

I was walking down 23rd Street in Manhattan with David Reese the other day, and he wanted to get a breakfast sandwich in this Italian eatery, like an Italian-to-go sandwich shop.

And outside of

this restaurant, the sandwich shop, whatever, it was festooned with beautiful flowers, just beautiful blooming flowers.

And I was like, this restaurant is putting a lot in to serving,

they're putting a lot of their budget towards flowers.

No wonder this $7 breakfast sandwich is terrible.

But

I realized these can't be real, can they?

And I touched one of of them, and indeed they were silk or some other

human-made material.

So I'm telling you,

as much as I recoil from the idea of a fake ficus, fake fiddle, or a fake palm,

I know that there have been enhancements in fake plant technology.

Probably, you're right, Peter, probably you're right, that you could get a fake ficus or a fake fiddle leaf or even a fake palm that probably would look very, very realistic based on those fake flowers that I saw.

But you know someone who's never, ever, going to, ever, ever going to be tricked?

It's your wife, Peter.

Look at that fake fiddle leaf and forever know, fake.

I think this is one of those things in marriage, in partnership.

personal, professional, whatever it is, if you've got two people who are making a decision about something that they're going to share for a long period of time,

sometimes a person says A and the other person says B and there's no compromise.

One of you is just going to have to surrender.

And I see no reason for your wife to surrender.

She'll know that that thing is fakey all the time, all the live-long day.

She won't care for it.

Now, I know nothing about keeping plants, but luckily, Jesse,

we have a friend in Don Will.

Don Will is one half of the great rap band Tanya Morgan, along with Von P.

He is also an avid indoor New York apartment gardener, just like you

are not yet, Peter, but will be.

And I asked him, do you have a recommendation for any low-light,

low-to-medium-light houseplants that are easy to take care of and will not be destroyed by cats, nor will they destroy cats with poisonous leaves and such?

And this is what Don Will said to me.

So I'd recommend a spider plant or a parlor palm.

They're both great beginner plants and are pretty easy to maintain.

Parlor palms make really cool floor plants and spider plants can be hung or placed in a pot.

Spider plants are also known for their air purifying qualities, which is pretty dope if you ask me.

So I have both plants and they're pretty easy to take care of.

A couple tips.

Tip number one, you want to put them in well-draining soil.

Tip number two, water them once a week in the summer and once every two weeks in the winter.

Tip number three, they'll thrive in bright light, but medium to low light is fine.

All plants like light.

However, they'll tolerate lower light.

Some plants will tolerate lower light.

So they should be fine in that space.

For the record, I don't have a cat or a dog, but the websites and plant shops all say that these plants are the way to go.

They're great beginner plants and they're easy to maintain.

But plants also like music.

specifically my group Tanya Morgan's music.

I hear they really love our new single, A Whole Mood, available now wherever you get your music from.

The song is completely safe for pets as well.

So make sure you add that into your plant care regimen.

You just want to go ahead and put it on repeat every night and just let it play throughout the night for your plants and your animals and possibly yourself.

I think you would enjoy it as well.

You know, just want to make sure we're bringing all of the joy into your home that we can.

Jesse Thorne, you know who else had a birthday very recently?

Just a couple days after me?

Don Will.

Oh, happy birthday, Don.

Yeah, but he's a young person.

You can hear the vibrancy in his voice.

He's not old like me.

Yeah, I know he's a young person.

He's my message board friend.

That's right.

From 2003.

That's right.

He's your message board friend from 2003.

Don also told me, Peter, that in terms of measuring light,

that

when we define low to medium light, that means that the ambient light in your room

with no lamps on, you should be able to read a book by that light.

So, unless you have blackout curtains, you probably can get medium light.

And both the spider plant and the parlor palm both can tolerate medium light.

No one else can, Jesse.

I looked up a plant on a plant website.

I looked like good apartment low-light plants.

You know, the first one to come up was called?

What's that?

Money tree forest.

It's a forest of money trees, quote, grown together with palmate leaves atop sturdy trunks.

Wait a minute, John.

Did you look this up on a plant website or just a website of machine-generated nonsense words?

I looked it up on a website full of fictional Genesis albums.

Money Tree Forest.

Yeah, no.

Parlor Palm.

Spider plant, Money Tree Forest.

It's no fuss carefree, load of bright, indirect light tolerant and non-toxic and pet-friendly.

So check it out.

And please, please, please, if not for my birthday, then for Don's.

Get yourself a gift.

The new Tanya Morgan single, A Whole Mood, featuring Jack Davey.

Don shared with us

a non-explicit version of the song.

and gave us permission to play it.

So maybe that'll happen after the credits.

Who knows?

It could be a surprise there.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we take another visit to rudy's place

you know we've been doing my brother my brother me for 15 years and maybe

maybe you stopped listening for a while maybe you never listen and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years i know where this has ended up but no

no you would be wrong we're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing yeah you don't even really know how crypto works The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lawrence.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Now, John, I think you know how I feel about Rudy's Place.

Don't care for it.

No, I love it.

I love it.

Well, great.

You're going to love the new rendition of the theme song.

Jennifer?

Rudy's Place.

It's a virtual hangout where you go to buy friendsy beers

Rudy's place

No internet, no yachts, no sharks invited so have no fears

I'm gonna

ride my horse down Big Toad Road

I'm gonna

ride my horse down Big Toad Road

I'm gonna

ride till I can't ride no more to

That's the theme to Rudy's Place.

Same theme as last time, except this time performed by an actual musician and singer, Mr.

Jonathan Colton, C-O-U-L-T-O-N, my friend and yours.

Rudy's Place, of course, is now

it's the second time, so I guess this is a recurring segment following former litigant Rudy,

who most recently, well, I guess I should preface this with last time on Rudy's place, Rudy brought the case against his wife Mary.

She loves to craft using glitter.

He hates it, saying the glitter reflects piercing light into his eyes.

And you will recall, Jesse, that he also offered evidence that he claimed was directly related to his case.

And I said, what is that evidence?

And he just sent me an email with a photo of a Sherman tank on a lawn and no explanation.

Oh, what explanation does it need?

Right.

So I asked if listeners could solve the mystery.

What is the connection between glitter and a Sherman tank?

And here are some of the guesses.

See if any of these make sense to you, Jesse.

A lot of people came through with this suggestion from Rick, which is that compared to other tanks in World War II, the Sherman was not very heavily armed or well-armored.

It wasn't even particularly fast.

The only advantages it had was that it was cheap to make and easy to maintain.

Thus,

in the European theater of war, Sherman tanks got everywhere, just like glitter.

Rick also pointed out that Adam Savage, our friend from television, once compared glitter to a certain STI due to how impossible it is to get rid of.

And Megan echoed Rick's theory and got specific, saying, quote, glitter is commonly referred to as the herpes of the craft world.

And she says, the connection is clear that Sherman tanks were used widely in World War II.

And also one of the biggest threats to U.S.

forces at the time were STIs such as Herpes.

And she shared a whole collection of posters that she has collected from World War II warning service members

to not go hugging and kissing people they don't know very well

in order to avoid getting diseases, including one that says, Sailor, beware.

And it's a sailor and

a young woman hugging and kissing.

And the warning is, she might be a liberal, and liberals have V D.

Not sure that that's a real one.

Listener Stephen wrote in to say, ahoy, which was very jaunty.

The tank is not a Sherman, says Stephen.

It's an M60 patton.

And M60 is a type of metallic glitter as well.

I don't know what it is or it isn't.

I don't know whether M60 is a type of metallic glitter.

I'm definitely not a tank expert.

Maybe we should ask Rob.

Listener Rob is kind of a tank expert.

He wrote, quote, like many bookish suburban New England youths of a certain era, I went through a prolonged and retrospectively naive and problematic obsession with the weapons and tactics of the Second World War.

And Rob even sent in the 11th grade term paper he wrote for his AP history class called American Tank Strategy in the European Theater of World War II, Sufficient for Victory, Inadequate for Precedent.

It's a hell of a title for an AP essay.

I really have to say...

I really admire Rob's trust in me that he would send in this whole 11th grade essay and trust that I would not completely roast him by quoting from it selectively.

I'm sorry to betray your trust.

Here's what Rob had to say about the Sherman tank in his essay, again, the title, American Tank Strategy in the European Theater of World War II, quote sufficient for victory, inadequate for precedent.

Quote, once again, American ingenuity and belief in the flexibility of their armor led to greater success in the hedgerows.

That's right, he's talking about tank battles and hedgerows.

Sergeant Curtis Cullen, a former taxi driver with the 2nd Armored, devised a series of blades constructed out of a scrap iron that could be affixed to the front of the Sherman tank and give it the ability to ram its way through the dense hedgerows.

It was called the Rhino, and it gave American armor more freedom in choosing routes through the Bocage.

That's 11th grade Rob explaining how good Sherman tanks were for getting through hedgerows, has nothing to do with glitter whatsoever.

Finally, HHW III, a very jaunty moniker for a listener, writes that it's a hyperbolic metaphor for the glitter cannon that is Rudy's wife.

The tank is a hyperbolic metaphor.

Okay?

Side note, says HHW III, quote, I would be very happy to share what I consider to be a very funny glitter anecdote from a friend of mine if you are interested.

Well, guess what, HHW III?

I'm not interested.

Rudy's place segment has gone on too long already.

What I'm more interested in is the truth.

So I turned to Rudy himself.

So that tank is at a VFW post that's on the main road going in and out of our town.

It's about 20 feet from the road and drive past it most days.

And

one evening, Mary said to a gathering of our neighbors, did you people see that they put a tank in on Main Street?

And at that time, the tank had been there for at least two years.

And

Mary had been driving past it most days and just literally did not see it.

She tends to see the beautiful things in life.

It was actually only saw the tank finally because some peace activists hung some flowers on it and that caused her to notice it for the first time.

So I guess my argument is that a person who does not see a tank that's in plain view for two two years is not going to appreciate the annoyance

experienced by someone who sees glitter stabbing out at them from the carpets.

Stabbing out at them.

Rudy has this quality of sounding very, very reasonable until the very last minute.

Hey, everybody.

You know, we've enjoyed rolling these dockets for you, but we are looking forward to getting back to more frequent live litting in cases.

And as soon as possible, we're going to have Rudy and his wife Mary on live to finally adjudicate

glitter or no.

But until then, that's the end of this segment called Rudy's Place.

I'm not going to play the theme song again.

I don't want to get us in trouble.

But, Jesse, by the way, I did get one other letter regarding a tank that you might be interested in.

What's that?

The gas station with the tank that your four-year-old Frankie loves so much.

Uh-huh.

It's at the corner of National and Sautele.

Catherine with an A wrote that to us from Los Angeles.

And if you go on Google and you search for the corner of National and Sautele,

if you don't already, you will know as I do what Jesse was talking about.

That is one bananas gas station.

Can I tell you that someone on the Reddit at maximumfund.reddit.com lives near that gas station.

They went over there to take pictures to post on the Reddit.

Oh, I didn't see that.

And it truly is.

I mean, I think

I, if anything, undersold it when I said it was a gas station with tanks and fire trucks.

Like, there are like 20 different weird vehicles just parked.

And it's not like they're like on display.

They're just all parked in different places in this relatively small urban gas station.

Yeah, it's an intense scene.

You can check it out on the Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com,

or

get your butt out there to the corner of National and Sautelle.

The docket's clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is the great Jennifer Marmer.

Nice to have Jennifer here in the same room with me for once in our lives.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judgejohnhodgman tweets, hashtag JJ Ho, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode.

You can submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho

or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

And remember, no case is too small.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hey, everybody.

Surprise.

It's me here after the credits.

Once again, with the surprise post-credits sequence.

You know, we've talked talked a little bit about our friend Don Will and his green thumb in his apartment here in Brooklyn.

Don Will, as we mentioned, is one half of an incredible band, Tanya Morgan.

The other half is an incredibly talented guy named Von P.

They have a brand new...

First of all, you have to know that Tanya Morgan is the only rap band that has ever put John Hodgman in a rap song.

But that's not the reason I love these guys.

I love them because

their songs are good.

As promised, we have an exclusive, I would dare say, the podcast world premiere of the

non-explicit version of their new song, A Whole Mood,

featuring Jack Davey.

You can listen to it now, enjoy it, and when you're done, just go over to tanyamorgan.bandcamp.com.

That's tanyamorgan.bandcamp.com.

Figure out how you can support Don, Von P, Jack Davey.

It's a whole mood.

And here it is.

I think we got this one.

I think we got one with this one.

It's beauty if you're looking for it.

Gotta look both ways.

I look for it.

When I say look forward, busy minding my business.

And my number one tip is: focus on the isn't not what isn't Watch your own wallet, stay hydrated And live everyday like damn yo, we made it, yeah

Leaving you and only you, that's a hole move

Couple room with a view, all the you, that's a hole move

That's a hole move

this tune on loop by tune It's a hole, it's a hole.

The brag ain't humble, the raps ain't mumble.

The bands all bundled, the band in the huddle, the dap don't fumble, we back no stumble.

If life of she speaks first, like thumbled, then it all time to undo.

Anything I want to, made it count one two.

Got whatever I'm doing.

Trying fan trouble, this is not a scam muscle.

This is quiet, plans rumbles.

This is love and my struggle.

Listen,

seeing you and only you, that's a hoe.

Move I'm in the pool.

Couple room with a view, all the view.

That's a hole, move.

I'm in the cool.

Fresh socks, new shoes.

That's a hole, move.

I'm in the pool.

Play this tune on, Luke, my dude.

It's a hole, it's a hole.

Over there, right there.

Icy.

Icy.

Over there, right there.

What's up?

What's up?

I'm pulling up in a big black truck, bumping old school ice cube.

Like this 92, baby bullets grew.

I'm gonna go.

And no material thing could bring this happiness.

Lounging in the sun, channel, lining up my bitty bitty bum bum.

Slipping on a drink filled with humpum.

Stepping to my galaxy, population of one from the dawn of all time.

Half supreme and sublime.

My mission never complete, so I live it as I design.

Been panty rappers to the side since 89.

No reason to rhyme to it.

I'm liquid, I stay through it.

Then I drip, drop off the lips of all your favorite rips.

Even if they don't wanna admit it, this super crazy moment in time.

Unlock the deep, dark corners of my mind.

Now I find the right lines when I'm halfway through the wine.

And a rollie, man, you know me, I go lolo.

Riding with the homies in a photo.

Like, what up?

Drop a line on my two-way, say hello.

And if you don't know, that's how it go, yo.

Not a bill pass due, it's a whole move.

I'm in the mood.

Leveled up, grown, not a playing fool.

It's a whole move.

I'm in the mood.

Whole team got kids full of food.

That's a whole move.

I'm in the mood.

Get your coins, nothing less than the dude.

That's a whole move.

I'm in the mood.

I'm Smith Rick with the crotch grab.

Bubbly in the other hand.

Martin at the boy got Martin snapping off ham.

Serena with the grip walk.

I ain't false flagging, I'm just pissing off some white folk.

Hate to see us bragging, hate to see us winning, hate to see us end zone.

Dancing, they want us to win for them.

Be humble and thank you, Massa.

Nah,

I'm May Jimmerson at NASA.

Give me space like I'm Luthor.

I'm Luther with the backup.

Bowie with the Ziggy, still Vicky and the Sana.

Phil Kane with the Gumby with Naomi and Madonna.

I'm Jamie when he ray, yo.

Jamie when he wander, but we all start somewhere.

I'm Michael with his llama.

No, I'm Michael with the two dwarf bitties and a bottle.

They gon' get it like they Amazon overnight and same day pick up.

Pardon me, the flow for the hickor.

I'm dealing with the batches.

Tayana with the sit-ups.

I thought that you

will never make it

on

arms of mine.

that's been wanna hold you for a long, long time.

Yeah, yo, yeah, yo.

Gotta build past new with the whole smooth.

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