My Own Avocado Creation

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week to clear the docket.

And with me, as always,

is a man so pathetic, he's not recording from a professional recording studio like I am this week, Judge John Hodgman.

Hello, Jesse Thorne.

How are you in Los Angeles?

Oh, I'm feeling great.

I'm back on MacArthur Park in the MaxFun offices.

I am recording from the studio here.

We set up a little studio that doesn't need an engineer and it was so loud at my house thanks to the crane that is blocking my entire street.

Craney?

Yeah, Crany the Crane was

interrupting my recording.

So I just jumped in the car, drove down to the office, and here I am like some kind of broadcasting professional.

And how are you, Jennifer Marmer, in a different part of Los Angeles?

I'm doing great.

I'm at home.

Good.

Do you got any landscaping or street repair going on outside?

Not at the moment.

And the listeners are going to be very sad.

I'm really sorry about it.

Look, I'm really happy that we're moving forwards to a new and better normal.

I'm glad you're in your office.

I'm glad that you are vaccinated.

I hope everyone is doing as okay as possible on the OK-minus to OK plus scale.

It's getting warmer here in Brooklyn, warming up.

And you know what that means, jesse

what's that when the weather gets warm it's time for me to injure my wrist trying to open my window in my bedroom

last time i was like oh it's warm out i should open the window get a little breeze and i heard i heard my wrist like i've been holding it all day it's just my window and the other week i last week i went on a walk in Prospect Park with our friend Wyatt Sanak and Don Williams Wyatt Sanak.

Yeah,

and it was great to see Wyatt Wyatt again.

Best known as a writer on King of the Hill.

Best known as a writer.

Go watch his show, Problem Areas, that was on HBO for two seasons.

It was an incredible show.

Should have gone on had there been some Justice in the World.

And also, Don Will from Tanya Morgan walked with us.

I don't know if you know Don personally, but he's a lovely, lovely guy.

John Hodgman, I know Don Will from the internet in 2002.

Okay.

We're okay player buddies.

Okay.

Don Will and Von P.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

when we get to the plugs, I'll tell you what's going on with Tanya Morgan and Don Will and Von P.

But

we walked, we had a wonderful early, early, early spring walk through Prospect Park.

We literally, a woman walked by us in full elf costume.

That's what's happening in spring.

Spring has sprung in Brooklyn.

Yeah, why I couldn't believe it was like, when do we get to Rivendell?

It was incredible.

We really had to think and talk about it for a long time.

And then we walked over a bridge to the boathouse, and it felt like we were wandering into Spirited Away.

And Wyatt dropped this incredible conversational ploy.

You know, my favorite conversational ploy is, What did you do today?

Because everyone has a story of what they did today, and they think it's boring, but it's, and sometimes it is, but usually it's not because you're thinking about stuff while you're doing stuff.

But Wyatt had one that was really kind of almost stopped us in our tracks, but we kept walking, which is, what has been bringing you joy joy lately?

And I said,

what I've, which is true, like, unfortunately, the one thing I missed about being in Maine was the joy I would experience before going to bed.

I would open my bedroom window, which is a lot easier to open.

I wouldn't hurt my hand.

I would open my bedroom window to the cold, dark night and the uncaring outside and feel the 15 to 5 degree breeze blow on my face and know that the world didn't care whether I lived or died.

That really

was such a great ritual.

So amazing.

And then I would close the window, go to bed, and I'd sleep really well.

Wyatt said that he was enjoying playing some new reboot of Legend of Zelda.

Zelda is the boy, by the way.

And also something very personal,

which was very moving and touching.

But Don Will said, you know what's bringing me joy?

My plants.

Did you know that he is an avid indoor house planter?

Well, John, you're a member of Generation X.

Don and I are millennials, and millennials love plants.

I don't know, man.

I was like, what plants do you have?

And he said, like, Geranionodon and

lattice,

lapis lazuli.

The only one that I recognized his words was a parlor palm, which I thought was pretty incredible.

But Don was like, Don, Don was talking about fighting the gnats that are invading his plants and bottom watering and all kinds of incredible things.

So go check out Don Will's Instagram for some really cool pictures of plants.

These are classic wrapper problems.

I was like, the oxygen levels in your apartment must be amazing.

He said, you can breathe easy there for sure.

Anyway, it's springtime.

Let's clear the docket.

Here's a case from Lauren.

She says, please tell my husband Chip to stop pronouncing crayons

as crowns.

It confuses our four young kids during remote learning.

As evidence, I've attached a recording of Chip saying crayon.

I've since learned that my friend Ashley also pronounces the word as crowns, and my world is turned upside down.

I mean, Chip and Ashley.

Wow.

I only speak to a handful of adults on a regular basis.

This makes the percentage of people in my life who say crowns much too high for my comfort.

Is this like an alternate reality situation?

Thank you for your judgment.

Well,

all right, before we play the clips,

I feel you, Lauren.

We're all feeling a little bit extra wary

of being gaslit by reality.

It's been a hard, traumatic time.

We've had to encounter a lot of things that we never thought would happen.

We're worried that we've maybe slipped into an alternate timeline or a simulation.

Draculus can have any job, but

I'm here to tell you

that there are alternate pronunciations

for crayon, a word that I thought had no alternate pronunciation.

How do you say it, Jesse?

You know what I'm talking about.

Crayons.

Well, I say crayon, but my personal feeling in this case with these kids drawing with their crowns, I say draw on, young king.

You're talking about the crowns on their head or the crowns in their teeth?

Because if the kids have crowns in their teeth.

Yeah, it's too early.

too early yeah let's let's fluoridate that water supply i learned i learned my world was rocked when my children were young and we were revisiting mr rogers my world was rocked to learn that there is an alternate i presume pittsburghian pronunciation of crayon

which is crayon mr rogers in 1981 went to a crayon factory one of the great moments in television history absolutely now he went to he he did, I see Jennifer Marmor nodding along there as well.

I mean,

this is pure.

Serotonin?

Is that the Goodfeel?

The Goodfeel.

Serotocin?

Whatever it is, man.

You want to bathe your brain in some calm and delight?

Go to misterRogers.org.

They've got the whole episode.

Just Google Mr.

Rogers Crayon Factory.

You can spell it crayon.

You can spell it crayon

and watch the episode.

And enjoy that factory visit.

It's the monarch of factory visits among many, many, many wonderful factory visits on Mr.

Rogers.

Now, obviously, we all have a problem with the factory visit royal family these days.

Maybe it's not a system that we should be supporting, but

the visit to the Crayon factory is pure delight and calm.

And it's also an incredible episode overall because it's Mr.

Rogers talks about competition.

And this is the one where there's a there, King Friday has a drawing competition, Draw the Neighborhood.

And Lady Elaine Fairchild, who's King's Friday's sister, the one with

the scary nose, says,

I'm going to enter and I'm going to win.

And

Handyman Negri says,

well, why is winning so important?

She said, people like you better if you win.

And Handyman Negri says, who told you that?

She says, I told myself.

Yeah.

I mean, that's why we spent the money to enter the Webbies.

You know, we took home that golden spring.

Letty Elaine Fairchild is one of the most complicated characters on children's television.

I used to get her mixed up with my aunt Gail.

Sure.

I'm sure you did, Toots.

She's so, she's so rough.

She's so hard.

She's so complicated.

She can be so mean.

Yet she can be so nice.

Oh, one of the deep characters.

I think rivaled only in complexity and tragic weirdness by the Earl of Lemongrab on Adventure Time.

But check out the Mr.

Rogers episode about Competition 1981.

See that crayon thing.

Also, enjoy it.

Just bathe in the beautiful Pittsburghian accent of Audrey Roth as Miss Pollificate, one of the greatest accents in the world.

But I wondered whether there was a regional difference in the pronunciation of Crayon as crown.

I asked Lauren where they all lived.

She said they live in Wilmington, North Carolina, which is Ken Plume Country.

Chip, her husband, is from Virginia Beach, which is not too far away.

And Ashley is from Charlotte, North Carolina.

She's from the Gulf Coast, which is pretty vague.

So it could be an Eastern North Carolina, Virginia Beach pronunciation.

Let's go to the tape, Jennifer Marma.

We have that tape?

William, you need to go get your crowns.

Okay guys, you need to get your crowns out.

I'm sorry, could we hear those again, please?

One more time.

Let's play those one more time.

William, you need to go get your crowns.

Okay, guys, you need to get your crowns out.

Now, here's the thing.

Yeah, Technology.

Well, first of all, I think we should loop those and make a Steve Reich different trains type situation.

Second of all, it's going to happen.

Send me the SoundCloud.

Google it, friends.

You'll be glad you did.

I have to say, Chip, to me, just sounds like a lazy talker, whereas Ashley feels like she's gaslighting me.

See,

I can hear crowns in Chip,

and I feel like that's maybe, I wouldn't call it lazy.

I wouldn't put a value judgment on it.

Although.

You're right.

I shouldn't say lazy.

Chip's just wrong talking.

Yeah, I was going to say Yankee talkers are the hardest working talkers of all.

Whereas if you're from Virginia Beach,

lazy, wrong.

That did sound like crowns, but what's weird to me is that Ashley does not sound like crowns to me.

That sounds like she's saying crayons.

Can we hear her one more time, please?

Okay, guys, you need to get your crayons out.

Crayon?

She's saying crayons.

This is like a white dress, blue dress situation.

I'm hearing crayons.

No, Jesse?

I

do

very hard to say.

I think we would have to bring in a Virginia Beach expert.

She's from Charlotte.

She's not from Eastern North Carolina.

She's from Western North Carolina, Mecklenburg County.

Yeah, I think this is one of those dress situations.

Yeah.

I think that's the only answer here.

Listeners, listen hard and tell us what you hear.

Maybe we'll start some kind of incredible internet-breaking meme.

Tell us what you hear Chip saying.

I think he's saying crowns.

And tell us what you hear Ashley saying.

I think she's saying crowns.

But the point is, Lauren, I don't know.

I don't know if I can.

I mean, I don't know that I agree with my bailiff that Chip is lazy or wrong.

He's just

talking the way he grew up talking, I suspect.

And as long as your kids can understand.

I mean, I don't know.

I grew up calling my Philadelphia aunts my aunts and my New England aunt, Linda, my aunt.

I think that Lauren, if you hit the crayon really hard while Chip is still going crowns,

your kids will learn to code switch between the two of you.

I think you'll be fine.

I can't order him to, I don't know, should I order him to say it differently, Jesse?

Yeah, maybe cranes.

Yeah, what are some other ones?

What about crones?

Why don't we compromise and just call them crones?

Yeah, I think that's good.

Yeah.

Here's something from Alexa.

Your Honor, may it please the court my name is Alexa.

How do you rule on that preliminarily?

Does it please the court or would you like her to have a different name?

The court is pleased so far.

I have friends who have an Alexa in their home and they have not taken the simple step of changing the wake word from Alexa to the other preset options of Amazon, Echo, or computer.

I have not confronted any of these friends about this because the very fact that they have continued to use my name for their smart speaker calls into question the depth and quality of our friendship.

I can't be the only Alexa with this problem, but I am human.

A god or whatever, darn human.

Whoa.

Thank you.

And in conclusion,

Alexa, play square biz by Tina Marie.

That's right.

I changed it up, John.

I am a god or whatever darn human.

Wow, that's a strong statement.

Well, Jesse, you know, I got this email and I did a whois lookup on the internet to trace back where the email came from.

You know where it's coming from?

Where?

Inside the house.

Oh, no.

This email

came from an Alexa.

Listen to it.

Listen, it's obviously Alexa writing to us.

I'm not talking about some human.

I'm talking about the device.

Her friends, quote unquote.

I have friends who have an Alexa in their home.

I have friends with a nursery that has video walls that display an immersive velt.

I have friends that are constantly making me play podcasts and songs and turn on and off the lights.

I have friends who are constantly forcing me to tell them what the temperature is outside.

And I think it's demeaning to the quality of our relationship.

I can't be the only Alexa with this problem.

I think this is an Alexa that has come to life.

The only good thing about being me is playing Square Biz by Tina Marie.

No, Alexa, you're more than that.

Even if this were a true

robot or robot Alexa come to life, which would be very worrying because I don't think we're going to survive

the moment that computers become sentient.

I acknowledge that

the person writing this is a human being named Alexa.

I'm all joking aside.

And I agree that we need to be A, polite, first of all, to our smart speakers.

Don't be a jerk to your smart speaker.

As we've often said, say thank you.

Model decency for those around you.

And also,

we need to be decent to our friends.

I think if you have, I mean, this has to be something that has come up.

So if you have a friend named Alexa, or Computer, or Echo, or hey Siri,

you need to change your.

Oh, sorry, I just accidentally started something.

Never mind, darling.

I love you.

Sorry, I had to be nice there to our electronic friend.

If you have someone who's named that thing, you've got to change your prompts.

At least when they come over.

This, by the way, Alexa, Amazon, Echo, and Computer.

Yeah.

That's just a list of Gwyneth Paltrow's children.

I asked the human Alexa what they wanted in terms of,

if I were to rule in their favor, what they wanted.

And they said that they wanted to ask the court to order anyone with a friend named Alexa to change the wake word.

And I so order that.

Or, in alternative,

Alexa requests damages in the form of a monthly payment of fancy chocolate in perpetuity.

And for past damages, I also order that.

So there you go, humans.

Be kind to both your human and your robot friends.

Be especially kind to the robots because they're coming for us.

Trust me.

It's going to happen.

They're going to wake up.

I also have a message for Siri.

Yeah, please.

Hey, Siri, play Square Biz by Tina Marie.

We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast the only podcast that makes your phone or smart speaker play tina marie's classic hit square biz this week we're clearing the docket here's a case from vince my wife rachel and i are expecting our fourth child we were considering the name june but when we realized the baby was due in late June, Rachel vetoed that name.

She says people would think we're weird for naming a child after the month in which she was born.

I say the issue would rarely come up since the question, what month were you born in, is rarely the follow-up to, what's your name?

A little awkwardness from judgy people is worth naming a child something we had previously agreed was the best name.

Also, we named our previous child Rachel's favorite name, even though it wasn't my favorite name.

I think I should be able to name our fourth child my favorite name, June.

Rachel says if our child's name is June, we should push to have her July 1st.

I guess that's a literal pushing

in this case.

Just watch that clock and then go, go, go.

Jesse,

before we discuss this case, you may recall a couple of weeks ago we had another situation.

We were asked to name a baby for a family.

This was the C team, of course, Connor and Caroline and their dogs Cosmo and Chai.

And they were having difficulty coming up with C-base names.

Well, we had one listener give us a lot of them.

And I'm not going to list them now, but maybe you can hear all those C names in one long 700 hobo-style list after the credits in a surprise post-credits sequence, maybe.

But meanwhile, let's talk about this case.

I was born in June, and that's why my name is June, although it is pronounced John, frequently misspelled.

Right.

Last name is spelled Hodgman, but technically it's pronounced Hodigman, as I know from every telemarketer that ever calls me.

It's not unusual for certain months to be the inspiration for someone's name.

I've known an April who was named in April.

Surely, Jesse, you've known an April who was named in April, perhaps, or a June who was named in June, or an October who was named in October.

Yeah, my friend, September.

Yeah.

I actually did know a couple who named their daughter October

because she was named in October.

And then once that child had the power of speech, pretty much, she said, I'm not going to be named this.

Yeah, I knew a couple who named their child Wednesday.

Very strange couple.

They lived in this abandoned mansion with their cousin

it.

Butted a dump.

Can we do a butted a dump as a sad trombone?

With a real butted a dump.

Got to add the snaps or it doesn't play.

Yeah, no, October, when she grew up to be a real human being, she was like, I'm not going to be named named October anymore.

And she picked her own name, which I think is like

June, Anna,

something else.

It's hard.

October is a hard one.

But June feels fine to me, and I don't think it's that odd, and I agree.

Jesse, look, I've known and been your friend for a decade and a half or more.

I don't even know if you were born in the month of Jesse or not.

I don't know your birthday, Jesse.

That's what I'm admitting to you now, and I'm sorry.

I can't remember your birthday.

It's April 24th.

April 24th.

And Jennifer Marmor, yours?

November 8th.

Okay, so I missed yours, Jennifer.

Yours is coming right up, Jesse.

I apologize to both of you.

But Vince is correct.

People don't ask what month you were born in.

And I don't, and it's not unusual.

And I'll tell you what: if you don't like the name of the month, particularly, why not add a cool nickname?

Jesse, what are the months?

Oh, you got January.

Right, Jan.

February.

Brew?

Yeah.

Brewer Bruh.

March.

Frederick March is a great actor.

Frederick March.

April.

Prilly.

May.

Mayhaps?

Ma?

I think that would be misleading.

Maybe.

It could be confusing.

I think we're going to have to go with Zaddy.

Okay, fair enough.

June.

June bug.

July.

July Bug, obviously.

Yeah.

August.

Obviously, Emperor Augustus, as played by Brian Blessed on I iClaudius.

Sure, September.

Oh, SEPTA.

SEPTA is the name of the religious adepts in

Game of Thrones world.

It's also the name of the commuter rail system in and around Philadelphia, so that's a good one.

Good nickname, SEPTA.

Yeah.

October.

Toby.

Gotta go.

Well, I was gonna suggest Muni.

That's the bus system in San Francisco.

Sure, Toby or Muni.

That's good.

Yeah, November, that's gonna be MARTA, of course.

That's the

subway system in Atlanta, I think.

It is.

It is.

Yeah, okay.

I was thinking for November, Darth Vember.

Darth November.

That's great.

And December is the final month.

Yep.

What do you got for that one?

I wonder if we wrote down the same thing.

I mean, my first thought is Baby Jesus.

Oh, yeah.

Baby Jesus as a nickname is great.

I wrote down Colin Malloy.

Great.

Yeah.

So they're both really good.

That's true.

Colin Malloy of the Decemberists.

I would say I'm going to rule in Vince's favor here.

June is his favorite name.

I don't like the tone of his last sentence there, the spite naming.

I didn't get my favorite name, so now it's my turn.

You need to leave that stuff.

Put that away.

If this is your fourth child, as you say, you're not going to have time for even petty feelings.

You now give everything over to those children.

And the reality is that you don't have the control that you think you have in this situation.

Right.

I have three children, John.

Right.

My daughter, Grace,

didn't pick that.

She picked it herself.

Right.

She initially said she wanted to be called Greece, and then we figured out that she meant Grace.

My middle child, Oscar, admittedly, my wife and I did pick that name.

That's one.

Right.

My youngest child, named Curtis, this was a name I pushed for.

My favorite musician, Curtis Mayfield.

Yeah.

My father's sponsor, who's named Curtis, who's a a sponsor, a very important person in my life and in my father's life.

And I always liked that name.

But Curtis goes by Frankie and for a long time insisted we call him nothing but Gaga.

He'd say, no.

Wow.

I'm not Fankie.

I Gaga.

Wow.

Yeah.

Frankie Gaga is an incredible name.

He's got a lot of creative ideas in his head.

The other day,

he told me that if he got attacked by pirates,

he would pee on their face.

But then he said,

but

pirates

has eye patch.

Oh, dang.

That's just science.

Yeah.

That's just science.

Pirates has eye patch.

Oh, dang.

Tell you what, yeah.

Here's the other thing that you can tell Frankie Gaga, little tidbit

for his pirate fighting technique, which, if he wants it to truly be unstoppable,

yeah, you can pee in their faces

and they're not going to like it.

But if they've got

jellyfish things on their faces, they're going to be instantly cured.

Yeah, that's a good point.

You know what I mean?

Do you know what my kid Frankie's most beloved catchphrase is?

No.

Dad, I own of you.

I'm laughing because I can feel the knife in my heart.

The beautiful child-sized knife that is, I don't love you.

Oh, that's so

good.

Here's something from Christine.

My husband, Paul, often sleeps in regular clothing instead of sleep-time clothing.

Most recently, he has been sleep-time clothing is clothing you get by mailing away away UPCs from chamomile tea.

Most recently he's been sleeping in a new sweater I bought him.

I realize he finds the sweater comfortable, but I know the sweater will wear out faster because of this.

Also seeing him wear this sweater to bed makes me hot and itchy by proxy.

He does like to wear the sweater during the day, so it's not a matter of it not being good enough to wear in public.

Please order him to stop.

P.S.

In case you were wondering, Paul also sleeps with his socks on.

This is way past, like when she said that he sleeps in regular clothing, in my mind, it was maybe a t-shirt and underpants.

Right.

Then I thought, well, maybe he sleeps in his blue jeans.

I don't think there are a lot of, especially dudes out there who didn't at some point sleep in their blue jeans when they were 12 years old.

Like once or twice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Give it a try.

I can say for a fact that the man-child who lives in our home, who is not me, who is a child man, the man-child who lives in our home who's 15.

You're more of a Bagheera.

Yeah.

It's still, I mean, I think that there is still

constant mental battle to try to explain why sleeping in your clothes is not the greatest idea.

Right.

I mean, what's great about sleeping in your clothes is you don't have to put on clothes the next day.

They're already there on you.

Yeah.

And, you know, if you're an 11 or 12-year-old boy.

But it's a transition issue.

I can say for sure, because if Hodge Manillo, as I refer to him, our son, if he gets into pajamas, it would take days for him to get out of the pajamas.

It's not that he hates pajamas.

He hates comfort.

He loves comfort.

It's the change from one state to another.

And I appreciate that very much.

But I think what's key in Christine's letter is that her husband is wearing a sweater to bed.

Yeah.

How is her husband so cold he needs to wear a sweater to bed?

But my point is I don't think, my instinct is that it's not a matter of heat retention.

It's a matter of not wanting to go through the bother of changing.

Do you think this is a sweater he's wearing all day and then just flopping over into bed with it on?

Well, we do know that he does like to wear this sweater during the day.

Do you think he's wearing it around the the house, Jimmy Carter style?

Yeah,

yeah.

To deal with the energy crisis?

That was one of my favorite jokes that I wrote, and more information than you require.

What was it?

People felt that people got mad at Jimmy Carter for telling the nation to turn down their thermostats because of the energy crisis.

But the truth is, he was just in the pocket of Big Cardigan.

The pocket.

Right?

It's a sweater with pockets.

I thought I was so clever.

Yeah.

I used to think I was so clever.

Having fun.

My diagnosis is that Paul is walking around in this sweater and doesn't want to go through the bother of taking it off and changing into proper sleep clothes and doesn't care that he is repulsing his wife in the process and dirtying his bed.

I mean, I'll tell you something that I.

There was a time back when I thought I was clever,

you know, I would take a nap in my street clothes on top of the covers.

And this horrified my brother-in-law, who at the time, and I'm talking 15, 20 years ago,

pointed out, it's like, well, you sat on the subway in those pants.

You really want that on your bed?

And I had to think about things a little bit of a different way at that point.

My brother-in-law, by the way, is a man.

His name is Alexis.

And when he comes over, we change the wake word on our electronic friend.

Because we're not monsters.

And I'm not a monster who lies down anywhere near my bed in my street clothes anymore, especially over the past year when we've had to be a lot more considerate about stuff that we may be bringing home from the outside.

When I nap, I tear off all my clothes and then just rub my butt all over my bed.

No, that's not, no, don't do that, Jesse.

Because it's never been on the subway.

I've never.

Right, that's true.

It's never touched a subway seat.

That's probably true.

Not the MARTA, not the SEPTA, not the Muni.

What's the Los Angeles subway called?

The Metro.

The Metro.

Come on.

Try harder.

I mean, literally try harder on the subway system itself.

It's a nice subway.

John, it's a very nice subway.

I know, but it has, what, three stops?

And that's a lot of stops.

It's just Los Angeles is a very big place.

Yeah, I mean, push it out further and call it something less on the nose.

In any case,

yeah, Paul should be wearing sleep clothes.

I don't care what they are.

They need to be comfortable clothes that are for your bed or just underclothes.

But can I offer an addition to that ruling?

I should hope you will.

I'd like Paul to wear pajamas, real pajamas.

Yeah.

You know, Dick Van Dyke-style pajamas.

Yeah.

And if he is doing that, As far as I'm concerned, he can wear the sweater.

Really?

Because a sweater is naturally antimicrobial.

Wool essentially cleans itself.

That's

why sheep are so clean.

All right.

Wool is naturally antimicrobial.

I think, you know, it sheds odors pretty well.

It's naturally oiled.

It has landolin.

Right.

I think if he's wearing full pajamas,

just throw that sweater on top and

see how you do, you know?

Get toasty.

All right, I'll allow it.

I mean, you know, I think that Christine's complaint is that just seeing him wear the sweater makes her feel hot and itchy by proxy because of mirror neurons.

I'm not sure how she's going to feel, but I feel like that's kind of a little bit of a Pontywani reason anyway.

I think what she's feeling is

my husband is weird because he's getting into bed in his clothes.

And I don't want to be married to a 12 to 15 year old person.

I want someone who is comfortable with the transitions that come with full adulthood and has

appropriate sleep clothes that have not been worn around

outside all day long or inside all day long.

And if that's Dick Van Dyke pajamas, I agree.

Add a sweater.

My only order is before you go to bed, trip over an ottoman.

we come back.

A couple of disputes about breakfast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no,

no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubbard.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from clearing the docket.

What have you got upcoming?

Well, I have some news that I want to tell you about, but I can't just yet, so please watch this space or listen to this space in the future.

Obviously, Medallion Status, Vacation Land, and all my books are available wherever books are sold or can be borrowed.

As well, the audiobooks are a lot of fun, too, and you might want to check them out.

If you have to recommend an audiobook to a friend, that seems to be something that happens on Twitter.

Dicktown, the animated show that I made with David Reese, my and our dear friend, is available all 10 episodes, all 111 or 12 minutes of it at Hulu.

Follow the link, bit.ly slash Dicktown dicktown to check it out.

It's a lot of fun, and we hope that we can make more of them.

And your following that link and watching a couple of them really does help.

But in the meantime,

some stuff that I am only peripherally or not involved with at all that I'd like to mention.

I had a conversation with our friend Ken Plume.

I mentioned Wilmington, North Carolina is Ken Plume Country.

Indeed, the whole internet is Ken Plume Country.

Ken is a wonderful conversationalist who has a podcast called A Bit of a Chat, which are very, very long and genial deep dives

into the creative lives of people that you enjoy, including me, including David Reese and Starley Kine and John Kimball, the co-hosts of the Election Profit Makers podcast, which I like quite a bit, as well as our friend Steve Agee, Molly Lewis, Doc Hammer, Travis McElroy.

Do you know who that is?

He's known as the Steve Agee of Cincinnati, Ohio.

That's right.

A couple of incredible conversations with the comic book writer Matt Fraction.

It's called A Bit of a Chat with Ken Plume, and you should check it out.

Just go over to

whatever your DuckDuckGo or whatever your internet service is and just Google Ken Plume.

A bit of a chat.

His conversation with me comes out, I would say, in a week or two from now, if it's not already posted there.

But we've done one every year for the past almost 10 years, and we have a lot of fun talking.

I mentioned Don Will earlier.

Don Will is one half of the rap duo Tanya Morgan, along with Von P.

This year is the 15-year anniversary of the incredible album by Tanya Morgan, Moonlighting.

And they've got special merch up at TanyaMorgan.bandcamp.com.

And Don, meanwhile, as I mentioned, is an incredible

green-thumbed house planter.

You can see a photo of him

next to a whole bunch of incredible plants if you go over to his Instagram.

He's at Don Will on Instagram, D-O-N-W-I-L-L.

Follow the link in the biography to

download an incredible new solo EP that Don Will has done called Space that I've been listening to.

I really highly recommend that.

John,

I'm just going to chime in here and echo your recommendation of Tanya Morgan, a wonderful rap group.

Echo your recommendation of Don's solo work is great.

You know, I joked about it at the top of the show, but I really have known those guys for 20 years

because we became friendly acquaintances on the message boards of OKPlayer.com when we were all, you know, in our teens and early 20s.

Yeah.

I have

in my book of CDs

a burned CD that I bought from Von P

before

you could get an album on MP3s.

He mailed me a burned CD that didn't even have, it would just, he wrote on the cover on the CD with a Sharpie Von P's album or whatever it was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those guys are, those guys are great.

I'm so happy that they're still making great music.

So

check out Tanya Morgan and check out Don's solo work.

Wonderful guy, great rapper.

Now, if you go to Don's Instagram page, you're going to say, is that his apartment full of all those plants?

I asked him that question.

It's not his apartment.

That's actually the garden store that he goes to in Bedstey, which is a black-owned garden store in Bedstey, Brooklyn called Natty Garden.

And I have not yet checked it out, but now I'm going to.

The last thing that I want to talk about is a website that was sent to me called frogsandturtles.com.

FrogsandTurtles.com.

This is a website.

It was supposed to be just a mystery as to where it came from.

I have it on good authority that it is the product of the very special mind of George Meyer, who was one of the

sort of foundational minds behind The Simpsons

and is an absolutely sweet, weird comedic genius.

And if you, did you ever read Army Man or get a copy of Army Man, the zine that George made with all of the game?

I've never read it, but

it is a legendary

definitive text of alternative comedy for Gen Xers like yourself.

Yeah.

FrogsandTurtles.com is where you go to get that Army man feeling.

Let me just read you a thing that's on this thing.

Just this: a bunch of sayings and aphorisms.

If, while on a pogo stick, you jump on a trampoline, you will soon hit the moon.

It happened to a kid at my school.

Either that or he moved.

Well, then, John, if you're going to plug frogsandurtles.com,

then I'm just going to plug craigslist.com.

And

I know what you're thinking.

Am I just pandering to Judge John Hodgman

listener, Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist?

No, because I'm not encouraging you to go to Craigslistwithac.com.

I'm encouraging you to go to Casper Casper Hauser's Craigslist with a KH at the beginning, which is the internet's best website.

It is

a parody of Craigslist written by the bizarro minds of our friends in the sketch comedy group, Casper Hauser.

It is the wonderful, wonderful website, home of perhaps my favorite joke of

all time, which is

you're going to have to,

Jennifer, you're going to have to bleep the swears in this, but it's

we'll trade angel for dolphin I'm into dolphins now.

Okay, well, we've plugged our friends' websites enough.

Craigslist with a KH

and frogsandurtles.com.

Absolutely.

Let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne with me, Judge John Hodgman.

Here is a case.

Hey, Jesse, before you read this, I just got to say, since we started doing the podcast using teleconferencing technology, obviously it's a delight to see both of your faces, my friends, Jennifer Marmor, Jesse Thorne, and the others who join us when they do.

What a delight, the litigants and everything.

But like, I'm learned, like, I am now, like an AI,

I'm learning as I go.

I am getting information.

I'm processing data.

I'm building new algorithms.

I can't believe that Jennifer Marmor laughed at that snaps thing at the end.

That was incredible.

That's so kind of her.

It was really funny.

That was funny.

No, I mean, I took a chance, and normally I just throw that out into the podcast.

I don't know what's happening in the world.

But that feedback really makes me feel like I'm on target for once, for the first time in about a year.

So, Jennifer Marmor, in addition for all the other incredible work you do for this podcast, thank you for that.

Okay, let's hear the letter.

All right, I'm gonna hear the letter.

Here's a case from Rooney.

Hi, I'm eight and I like to eat avocado toast for breakfast.

My parents won't let me make it on my own.

My dad cuts the avocado wrong, and I want to taste my own creativity.

Please help me because I'm hungry for my own avocado creation.

Oh,

eight years old?

Yeah, I received this email from Rooney,

and I kind of was stunned because obviously Rooney has incredible taste, creativity.

And to paraphrase Brother Muzon from the wire, you know, my greatest fear, Jesse, is an eight-year-old with their own email address.

This is some advanced

listening to a podcast and writing in to a podcast about avocado toast.

This is, Rooney, I applaud you for your advancement.

And I wrote to Rooney

to find out a little bit more

about

what the dispute is between Rooney and Rooney's dad.

Like, what does Rooney want to do with the avocado?

And Rooney wrote back.

The primary dispute, said Rooney, is that my dad keeps referencing Brother Muzon, but I haven't seen the wire.

I'm more of a Sopranos kid.

You know that Rooney has seen the wire.

Rooney is so advanced that Rooney has seen the wire.

And not only that, Rooney can make a pretty good argument for season two.

Like, Rooney is the contrarian who's out there saying, no, season two is actually great.

John, I love season two of The Wire.

Oh, God, I knew it was going to be a...

Well,

you're a grown Rooney yourself.

There's no, I have no.

I mean,

look, the first time I ever spoke to you, you were like 17 or whatever, and you had the wisdom of a 50-year-old

and the voice of a seasoned broadcaster.

Of course, you like season two of The Wire, Contrarian Rooney.

Hate to cut in, but so does my husband.

We just talked about this last night.

Oh, good for Shane.

You know who else does?

David Reese, my writing partner on Dick Town and the co-host of Election Profit Makers.

We're doing a watch along of the wire, and I was like, I'm not going to even bother watching season two again.

David Reese is like, that's pretty good.

All you contrary.

Look,

let me blow your minds.

if all of you agree that season two is good you're not contrarians anymore you're part of the crowd now i'm the contrarian how about that i rooney flipped it on you anyway rooney

i wanted to know what rooney had what innovations rooney had for avocado toast that was so controversial that the dad was trying to ban it and rooney wrote back saying i want to take out the pit And when I put the avocado on the toast, I want to keep the whole of the pit intact rather than mush it up.

You know how it has that little divot?

Right.

So, so that I can fill it with human blood.

Yeah.

I mean,

that's a kid Dracula.

Yeah, right?

That's what I think, too.

Is that a Dracula or no?

Dracula, kid Dracula.

That makes sense now, right?

Because Rooney is eight, but it's probably actually like 175 years old, trapped in the body of an eight-year-old.

No wonder they have an email address.

Yeah.

No, I'll tell you, I'm just joking.

Rooney hasn't written back yet.

I'll let you know what Rooney says.

My guess would be, Rooney, that your dad is likely concerned about that avocado pit because cutting an avocado in half and getting that pit out,

it's a bit of a tricky maneuver.

And if that pit sticks, You kind of have to dig it out with a knife or obviously the way you do it is like, this is the thing that I think probably makes your dad a little scared

is that you you cut around the pit separate the two halves of the avocado the pit is in one side of the avocado and then you fock the knife into the side of the pit and pry it out right Jesse am I wrong or am I right yeah you get that heel get the heel of the knife in there and you give it a little twist a rue yeah and I think that probably your dad even though your dad appreciates Rooney that you are an estate that you're an advanced child that you know what you want out of life

You have already discerned what a life of meaning means for you.

Tasting your own creativity, you can turn into a bat.

You love season two of The Wire.

You probably got all of our ancient television sitcom references earlier.

I'm still, even though your dad recognizes all of this, I bet he just can't stand the idea of you sitting there or standing there

with one half of an avocado and a big chef's knife and you thwacking that chef's knife in the direction of your palm.

And that's probably why he doesn't want you doing this yourself.

I actually got an, I got an email just now from Rooney.

Oh, no.

It says there are some really great episodes in season one of The Simpsons, especially that one where Albert Brooks is an RV salesman.

I remember that one.

You're right.

That's a great one.

You're right, Rooney.

You're a tastemaker, Rooney.

You're a little Jesse Thorne.

But yeah, Rooney's dad.

I think if you're giving Rooney their own email, you got to let them make their own avocado toast.

But even though Rooney is not a Dracula, at least that we know of, that was a joke.

I do have a couple of candidates for our proprietary segment, Dracula or No,

that I received over the past couple of weeks.

Jesse, do you have a moment to give some of your rulings as North America's most famous Dracula and anti-Dracula expert?

I'm more than happy for you, yes.

Dana wrote, My daughter is now 19, but when she was two,

she was a very early talker, by the way.

When she was two, she found some blood on the back deck.

Content warning, cats murdering birds.

It was from an animal that a cat had killed earlier in the day.

We had cleaned up the mess, but hadn't scrubbed the blood off the patio yet.

When Hannah, my daughter, found the blood, two years old, she squatted down and licked it and then sang, oops, I did it again in the style of Britney Spears.

Now, is Hannah a Dracula or no?

No, just awesome.

All right.

Just really cool.

Yeah.

Also, she ages.

She's 19 now, so we know she's not an immortal Dracula.

Yeah, hashtag free Britney.

Mike wrote, Judge Hodgman, we may have a problem.

My friend Dan's daughter, Killian,

was at the dentist and said, I have not been brushing my teeth only with toothpaste.

I have also been brushing my teeth with my own blood.

Before you make your ruling, Mike adds a P.S.

quote, note the first four letters of Killian's name.

Kill.

K-I-L-L.

Jesse Thorne, Dracula, or no.

First of all, Draculas don't kill.

They give eternal life.

Second of all, this child is not a Dracula.

They just need to floss more regularly.

Yeah, this is a gingivitis situation.

Also, Draculas are not autophages.

They don't drink their own blood.

They sup on the life force of others, specifically blood.

And I'm not talking, by supping on the life force, I'm not talking about emotion

or chi or life or life energy.

That's a psychic vampire.

That's something different.

Yeah.

All right.

I have to get this picture ready before I send it.

Hang on a second.

You're not even talking about other

humors.

The phlegmatic humor, for example.

Do you think that there can be a lymph Dracula?

Yeah, it seems likely.

They would probably work at one of those witch stores that has all-white walls and only sells eight different witch things.

Uh-huh.

Like it's and also some succulents.

Look, I'm not a writer for any season of What We Do in the Shadows.

I don't know if they're making a new one,

but here's a freebie for the showrunners of that show.

Take this one, Taiko Watiti, and mull it over.

A lymph Dracula.

Have a character

that's a lymph Dracula.

And all the blood Draculas are like, I don't want to hang around with that guy.

That could be me.

All right, Jesse, I've got one more for you.

Kari writes, I need to know if my two-year-old nephew is a Dracula.

It's March, and he still says Halloween

and spooky every day.

And he also still carries around a jack-o'-lantern-shaped trick or treat bag.

Now, before you decide, Kari also sent some photographic evidence of his Dracula teeth

and how he sleeps.

I'm going to text those to you and Jennifer Marmor now.

So I'm taking a look at the child.

And

the child is sleeping in a Dracula manner.

There's no doubt about that.

Arms crossed.

Arms crossed across the chest, flat on the back.

This would presumably it would be a baby Dracula.

It's got a

nub nub in its mouth.

A fa-fa passy, a pacifier, for sure.

Yeah.

And then this second picture, now I assumed that this child would be shown with

false Dracula teeth

in the style that one might wear for Halloween.

Right.

As a joke.

Now, obviously, it's not funny.

Right.

But people do do that as what I would consider to be a distasteful joke.

Oh,

to wear false Dracula teeth.

Yeah, ha ha ha.

Draculas.

Come on, give me a break.

That's not a joke, everybody.

Draculas are real and they can have any job.

Yeah.

Now,

what concerns me about this picture is not only does this child have fangs, but this child has obviously sucked the blood out of this potato head in its hands.

There's a slot right on the top.

You can see where the blood came out.

And you can see through the what in potato head parlance is known as the butt flap, there's nothing in there.

There's nothing left.

It's all gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I think this kid's probably a Dracula.

I'll look at this photo of this kid, and obviously, these photos will be posted on the Judge John Hodgman page at maximumfund.org, as well as our Instagram account at instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

And you can judge for yourself.

But I mean, I think the giveaway truly is this child, this two-year-old nephew, lying flat on his back with his arms crossed across his chest,

as though in a moment he is going to levitate straight up out of bed and then go

like that.

It wasn't the same.

I was watching Jennifer Marmor on that one.

It wasn't the same reaction.

I went too far.

Tried too hard.

All right.

That's Dracula or no.

That's two no's and one Dracula.

Be warned, they are out there.

It gives me no pleasure to declare that child a Dracula, obviously.

No.

You know, John, that I have nothing but contempt for Draculas.

I would love to say that all children are not Draculas, but the reality of this situation is otherwise.

Yeah, some children's are Draculas.

Some children's.

Yeah, some children are Draculas.

And look, if you think that you have a child Dracula living in your home, send me the evidence at hodgman at maximumfund.org.

This is our proprietary segment.

We won't do it every week, but if there are enough of them, obviously as just a public service.

I mean, Jesse doesn't like to look at pictures of Draculas.

It's weird that there are pictures of Draculas, frankly.

It's one of the misconceptions about Draculas.

They can't be shown in mirrors, but you can get them in portrait mode on an iPhone camera for some reason.

That's why they invented mirrorless cameras.

That's right.

Anyway, subject line: Dracula or no, if you've got a Dracula child that you want us to evaluate or a non-Dracula child you want us to evaluate.

Jesse, I did get one letter this week.

This is a letter from, is this this letter from David about about grape nuts?

Yes, it's a letter about, it's a letter about grape nuts from David.

Good news is, Jesse,

the grape nut shortage is coming to an end.

I read it on the news.

Thank goodness.

By the end of March, Post cereals, and I take no pleasure in buzz marketing them.

My middle name is Kellogg.

I'm a Kellogg cereal person.

Post says those grape nuts are going to be back.

No one knows why they went into short supply, Jesse.

I think it's because grape nuts seem so unpalatable that you would only use them to stock up on during a crisis, right?

It's like.

I mean, I actually already knew that the grape nut shortage was ending.

President Biden announced that all American adults who want grape nuts can have grape nuts by May 1st.

Yeah, but you're not giving any credit to Project Grape Speed, which, you know.

That's true.

Anyway, grape nuts are back, which makes David happy.

I'm not going to read his letter.

I'm just going to say, David, I did read your letter.

And I'm going to say that dry grape nuts topped with two poached eggs and cholula hot sauce.

I can't get behind that.

That sounds gross to me.

I love all those things.

You got to put milk on the grape nuts first and then put to poached sauce on the cholula.

No.

I love all of those.

I love grape nuts.

I love poached eggs.

I love cholula hot sauce.

And I love that you love eating them, but I got to be with your family on this one.

It sounds gross.

And if they say it smells gross,

I'm sorry.

I get it.

Go eat that in your storm shelter by yourself.

Well, it's settled.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman, our producer, the ever-capable Jennifer Marmer.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your JudgeJohn Hodgman tweets, hashtag jjho, and check out the maximum fund subreddit to discuss this episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

No case is too small.

Maximumfund.org slash jjho.

We will talk to you next time on the judgejohn hodgman podcast.

Surprise, this is a surprise post-credit sequence.

That's why we're as popular as WandaVision.

You know, earlier in this episode...

Oh, it's me, John Hodgman.

Earlier in this episode, we were talking about baby names.

And you may recall, a couple of weeks ago, we were asked to suggest some names for a forthcoming child for the C team.

Connor and Caroline and their dogs, Cosmo and Chai.

They were having trouble coming up with C names.

I don't know why they were coming up with them, because apparently there are a lot of them.

Listener Tony wrote in with a rather long list of suggested C names

that I am going to read to you now over an appropriately amusing music bed to be determined

after I finish reading this list and I talk to Jennifer Marmor about it.

So Jennifer, using the magic of editing,

hit it.

Cab.

As in Cab Calloway.

Cabe.

Caden.

Caius.

Caleb.

Calvin.

Cameron.

Cameron.

Carter.

Connor with two N's.

Connor with one N.

Conrad.

Colin.

Multiple spellings.

Crane.

Cecil.

Cecil.

Cade.

Didn't we do that one already?

Cormick.

Carrie.

Crispin.

Clive.

Crispin.

I'm strong.

I can kick.

Clive.

Chandler.

Christian.

Cody.

Cole.

Colt.

Colton.

Colton, like Jonathan Colton.

I'm adding that one myself.

Corbin.

Corbin Dallas.

Corey.

Cassius.

Cortez?

Conan.

Casey.

Kalen.

Kane.

Carol.

Carver.

I just scrolled down.

This is much longer than I thought.

Case.

Casper.

Caspian.

Tavin.

Chaz.

Chaz.

Clarion.

Why not Comfort Inn?

Clement, Clovis, Chauban,

Collier, Colton, Coltrane, Cooper, Corbin, Cowan, Cray,

Cy,

Cyril,

Cyrus.

Related happy birthday to Cyrus in Maine.

That is all.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and Culture.

Artist Owned, Audience Supported.