Contempt of Torte

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, contempt of tort.

Matt files suit against his wife, Bryn.

Bryn loves to bake cakes, and Matt can't stop eating them.

He would like her to bake fewer cakes or get them out of the house.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Oh yeah, I remember Amber Carbonelli.

I borrowed her pog collection.

Oh, and then I sold them to Bucky Rinfus.

And when Amber asked me about it, I said they were stolen by a werewolf.

But, turns out, Amber was totally into werewolves.

It was like exciting for her.

We went up to Drain Park on a werewolf hunt to get her pogs back, and we ended up making out by the light of a full moon.

Then she dumped me for Trip Kowalski because he had a full beard at age 12.

Man, eighth grade was fun.

Bailiff Jesse, swear them in.

Matt Bryn, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that it's thanks to Mickey, we have cake every morning?

I do.

I do.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Matt and Bryn, you may be seated.

Jesse, I don't even understand that cultural reference.

What are you talking about?

That was In the Night Kitchen.

That's how In the Night Kitchen is.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks to Mickey.

Oh, yeah.

We have cake every morning.

Milk in the batter.

We bake cake and nothing's the matter.

Look, Maurice Sendak, obviously a genius.

I was too up in my Edward Gorey at that time.

You know what I mean?

That's where I went.

Oh, wow.

That's where my dark imaginings went.

Matt and Bryn,

for an immediate summary judgment, one of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture I referenced when I entered the courtroom?

And let me start by saying, you're never going to get it.

No, you're never going to get it.

Not this time.

There are two reasons why you're never going to get it, but I'm going to give you a chance anyway, Matt.

What's your guess?

I'm going to guess like one of the goosebump teen novels.

That's the only thing I can think of that would combine high school and dating and werewolves.

You know what?

You're actually closer than I would have thought.

It's a good guess.

Put it in the guess book.

Bryn,

what's your guess?

I think it's from a flashback scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Flashback scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Bryn,

not as good a guess.

Sorry.

Good, but not good.

But guess what?

All guesses are wrong.

You know why you're not going to get this one?

Because

you're Canadian.

No, no offense.

I happen to see here.

You are in Alberta, Canada.

One of the few provinces that I have never visited in Canada.

And also, you're not time travelers.

Because what I was quoting from is a short-form animated show co-created by me and David Rees, the name of which I cannot say on this program due to its family friendliness.

Specifically, episode nine of this particular show, The Mystery of the Impossible Car,

which you have not seen because you're not time travelers.

It comes out tomorrow night, as of this recording, August 27th of 2020.

And guess what?

This show is not available in Canada, sadly.

Sorry.

I know, I tried.

I tried to watch it.

Yeah,

it's a great show.

It's just 11-minute episodes, 10 of them that David Reese and I made about a former boy detective,

a la, a boy detective who might have read in a series of young adult books.

That's why that goosebumps guess was pretty good, Matt.

Thank you.

A former boy detective who has now grown up, but has failed to thrive in his life and is still solving crimes for teenagers, and David Reese is his partner.

That quote was my poor imitation of the inimitable David Reese playing the role of David Purfoy, remembering eighth grade.

And this particular episode, which airs tomorrow night, August 27th, it is our penultimate episode, and it features the incredible actor, Obey Hee Janice, as Heather Culbreth of Lake Patrol in the town of Richardsville, North Carolina, from which we take the name of the show, which I cannot say.

But please, everybody, we're getting into the final run, the final few moments of this show.

This is the second to last episode.

If you haven't checked it out, please check it out.

You can watch it tomorrow night on

what show, Matt and Bryn.

Not the name of our show, but it's part of another show.

Cake.

That's right.

Cake.

See?

It's not just a plug.

There's a genuine connection.

Our show, which shall never be named on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, is part of Cake, which is FXX's half-hour anthology of short-form animated and non-animated weirdsies,

including our show, which shall never be named, comes in 10 p.m.

tomorrow night, August 27th on FXX, or check it out the next day at Hulu.

And if you want to catch up on all the previous episodes, so long as you are in the United States of America, you can do so by going to bit.ly/slash Dicktown.

That's just a weird short URL that was assigned randomly to this page.

Bit.ly slash Dicktown.

Okay, so anyway, cake is a show on FXX, but the cake we're talking about is the kind of cake you bake.

Not you, plural, but you, specifically, Bryn.

You bake a lot of cakes.

You make a lot of cakes is what I hear.

I do, yeah.

Now, Matt, you bring Bryn to court because you think that there are too many cakes.

Well,

there are too many cakes.

Thanks.

Nice podcasting, Howie.

Thanks for bringing that Canadian heat to the courtroom.

It's not just that there's too many cakes.

It's also

she enjoys baking cakes, but she doesn't really enjoy eating cakes.

So she bakes these cakes and then she just leaves them in the house, tempting me for days on end.

So,

yeah, I find that particularly sort of perverse to just bake cakes and then leave them around for, you know, and then not going anywhere unless I eat them.

So, out of a natural Canadian contempt for waste,

you're shoving your pie hole full of cake all the time.

Yeah, I mean, what reasonable person would leave a perfectly good cake to just go stale on the countertop?

Oh.

Sorry, Matt, you can't hear me raising my hand.

I would leave it to go stale.

Don't like it.

Don't like sweets.

Don't like sweets at all?

You know nothing of my work, Matt.

He's basically built a career on not liking sweets.

I thought you were a pie man, not a cake man.

Well, a pie, I'll go for a pie if it's a pork pie.

I push towards savory.

Sweet, get thee behind me.

Not interested.

Not interested.

That's all right, though.

I think that's

a view shared by my wife, which is why she's able to just leave these cakes sitting around.

But I have had a lifelong weakness for sweet baking.

So

I eat these cakes up.

So, Bryn, you and I, we're together on this.

And it seems we've spoken before, right?

Weren't you a guest on my live Instagram cat and dog talk show, Get Your Pets?

Yes, my cat and dog were guests, I guess.

And name your cats and your dogs again, please, for me.

Our cat is Calamity Jane, and our dog is Ethel.

Yeah, Calamity Jane and Ethel.

And did you know that this episode of Judge John Hodgman was named by a Gets Your Petter?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, Llama.

Unless there's a different person named Llama who listens to this show, which is obviously possible, if not probable.

Llama out there in Reading, England with her cockatoo cocky.

They also have two dogs.

Coco and Chloe.

Do you know what breed of dogs those both are?

Cockapoos.

So, Bryn,

not only are we old internet pals, but we share, apparently, a disinterest in sweets, and yet you are a baking cakes all the time.

Would it be fair to say you're baking a lot of cakes?

Yeah, I think

more than most people.

How many cakes a week would you say you bake?

I would say if you averaged it, maybe I bake a cake every two weeks.

Oh, that's not so much.

Yeah, I don't think so.

That's not so much.

Are we talking about pre-pandemic or pandemic?

I think I was baking more cakes pre-pandemic.

Weird.

Because I'll say there is a young woman who lives in our house

who has spent the pandemic just pushing out cakes every other day, basically.

Wow.

I feel like

baking is one of those, that and sourdough

culturing.

has become one of those stay-at-home hobbies that people have really gotten into.

You led up on the cake baking during the pandemic.

Is that correct, Bryn?

A little bit, yeah.

It's hot here.

It has been very hot, and baking isn't as

pleasing when it's hot out.

Okay.

So how long has this been going on and how did it get started, this baking of cakes, and then leaving them around for Matt to gorge on?

It started on his 36th birthday, which was two years ago.

I made him a birthday cake, and I really enjoyed it.

And

yeah, I just got into it and then my parents got me America's Test Kitchen cake book.

Oh,

look, this is old home week here at the Judge John Hodgin podcast because America's Test Kitchen is the employer of Afton Cyrus, a former litigant.

Oh.

Her sister,

by the way, I'm up here at WERU in Orlando, Maine.

89.9 Blue Hill, 99.9 Bangor, all over the world at WERU.org with summer producer Joel Mann.

Hey, Joel, how are you?

Good, John.

Did you know that Afton Cyrus was a litigant on our podcast?

She took her sister to court, Hannah Cyrus.

Did you know that?

Yes.

Okay.

Good.

Well, the matter is settled.

Do you know where Hannah Cyrus works?

Blue Hill.

Blue Hill Library.

She works at the Blue Hill Library.

See, I know.

Jeez, Joel, you really

messed up my setup there.

You always keep me on my toes.

I thought you were going to say no, then I would explain it, but that's good.

Yes, you're right.

No, I don't.

That's right.

Well, she works at the Blue Hill Library.

Oh, wow.

Anyway.

Let's take a quick recess and hear about this week's Judge John Hodgman sponsor.

We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfund.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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It's true.

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it was made in made in but made in isn't just for professional chefs it's for home cooks too and even some of your favorite celebratory dishes can be amplified with made in cookware it's the stuff that professional chefs use but because it is sold directly to you it's a lot more affordable uh than some of the other high-end brands We're both big fans of the carbon steel.

I have a little carbon steel skillet that my mother-in-law loves to use because cast iron is too heavy for her, but she wants that non-stick.

And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

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It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

And it will last a long time.

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I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be getting back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

All of it is incredibly solid, beautiful, functional, and as you point out, a lot more affordable because they sell it directly to you.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Let's go to the evidence.

You sent in a bunch of evidence.

And indeed, this birthday cake, it would seem to me, is exhibit A.

So all these photos will be available on the Judge John Hodgman.

page at maximumfund.org as well as our Instagram at judgejohn hodgman on instagram

and exhibit a

we have this birthday cake, 36 birthday cake.

It is a, I think, culled perhaps from your Instagram, your own Instagram account, Bryn, is that correct?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

Yeah, because it comes from your Instagram story and you have typed in

with

probably the greatest example of Canadian bragging.

I made this cake, period.

And you did.

You made it.

It was a birthday cake.

It's covered in confetti sprinkles with the numbers three and six.

And then, oh, this is not just exhibit A.

This is like one.

Wow, there are a lot of cakes here.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

I think,

Matt, you sent in 17 photos of cakes.

Yeah, and that's just some of the cakes.

That's just a random sampling.

Just a random cake sample.

So we'll enter these then as exhibits A through

Q.

And boy, there are a lot of them.

They're all very beautiful.

One of them just says, one of the captions just says cake.

That one seems to be a coconut cake.

Yep.

Then there's a tarte tatin

where you say room for improvement.

Sorry.

Then there's a cake that looks like a huge stack of pancakes.

A crepe cake cake.

That just says she pretty.

What is it?

It's a crepe cake.

A crepe cake?

You got to get those crepes thinner because they look like pancakes.

Sorry.

Here's one with a beautiful glossy frosting that just says she done.

Are all your cakes

use she and her pronouns?

No, someone.

I'm sorry to interject here, John.

Sure.

You're not Canadian, so you might not, and I know you're not a huge hip-hop fan, so you might not pick up on these references, but

I made this cake, period.

She done.

These are all the names of Drake mixtapes.

I didn't realize that.

Yeah.

I suppose this caption is also a Drake lyric.

Tried to make this crepe cake look like a flower.

Yeah.

Room for improvement is actually

one of his better efforts.

And then it goes on to say, I failed pretty bad.

That crepe cake does not look like a flower.

But it's all these, a lot of these cakes are beautiful.

You're obviously having a good time exploring.

And along about exhibit P,

in the A through Q of cakes that you have presented us, there is a caption that seems like more than just experimenting.

There's the caption that frankly feels

like a threat.

Gonna make so many cakes in 2019.

I thought that was particularly damning, that one.

Yeah.

You're feeling invaded by cakes, it sounds like to me.

Yeah, and

Bryn was saying that she's making less during the pandemic, but I would say there was a period at the start of the the pandemic where she was making even more cakes for a bit.

And

it was also even more of a problem because one of my strategies would be to take the cake to work with me and give it to my coworkers.

But

we were just trapped in a house together.

So I was just trapped in this house with this woman who was baking all these cakes and there was no way to get them out of the house except to eat them and then,

you know, have them pass through me.

Yeah.

Bryn, when you make these cakes, do you have a destination in mind for them?

Are you making them for someone?

Well, during the pandemic, no.

But before, I worked in a restaurant or worked in a restaurant, and I would make the men and women who worked in the kitchen cakes for their birthdays.

And that was kind of my outlet.

Right.

But now you have no outlet.

No outlet.

Because

you're at home.

And Matt, what is your profession?

Are you also at home?

I'm a medical student.

So I was off for two and a half months, but now I'm back in the hospital.

And is it possible, is it hygienic?

Is it allowed by Canadian law for you to bring in cakes and just leave them hanging around?

It is against the hospital policy for staff to share food during the pandemic, unfortunately.

Yeah, but you're not sharing food.

You're going to give every colleague their own individual cake, it sounds like.

I also, I would just like to say

sometimes the cakes I make aren't good, and Matthew still wants to give them away, and I would prefer to just throw them out.

Like, I don't want to give people bad cake.

Yeah, that, well, let's put a pin in that, because that's very wasteful.

But let's go back to the beginning.

Matt, this 36th birthday cake that got this all started off.

When is your birthday?

May 14th.

So this is May 14th of 2018, this started?

Yes, sir.

And what is the significance of the date, June 12th, 2018?

That is the date that I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

Oh.

That changes things

a little.

And if there are folks at home who aren't medical students,

There are various types of diabetes.

Type 1 is also known as cake type.

Cake type diabetes.

Called cake-sensitive diabetes.

For those listening at home who may not know, and for those

co-hosting this podcast who might be a little fuzzy on it, because I forgot to look at Wikipedia this morning.

Sure.

Type 1 diabetes is different from type 2 diabetes in what way?

And what does it mean in terms of how much cake you can put in your cake hole?

So diabetes is basically

an inability for your body to regulate the amount of sugar in your blood.

So So it's like for some reason the hormone insulin isn't working properly or there isn't enough of it.

The most common kind is type 2 diabetes, which is where it's sort of caused by eating a lot of carbohydrates and not exercising a lot.

And then

your body kind of has to make more insulin for the extra carbohydrates that you're eating, and eventually it kind of wears out and it can't make enough insulin.

And then your blood sugar gets too high because you can't make enough.

Right.

That's type two.

That's type two, which is a more common kind.

Right.

Type one diabetes is

where it's an autoimmune disease.

So basically

for some reason your immune system mistakes the cells in your body that produce insulin for a virus and starts attacking them and just basically kills them off and then your body doesn't produce any insulin, which is the hormone that reduces reduces your blood sugar.

So

you have to inject yourself with insulin whenever you eat a carbohydrate.

Otherwise your blood sugar is going to go too high.

So what does it mean practically in terms of how much sugar you can eat?

How much cake should you eat in your life?

Well, so the trick is matching the insulin with the carbohydrate.

So I can eat as much carbohydrate as I want if I can figure out exactly the right dose of insulin to inject, which is something that, like,

you know, a healthy person who doesn't have diabetes, their pancreas is always doing that for them and just releasing the exact perfect amount of insulin.

But I'm always having to guess whenever I eat something how much insulin I should inject.

You know what you need.

What's that?

To figure out what insulin goes with what cake, you need an insulin sommelier.

An expert

in pairing insulin with food.

You know, I've thought of that.

In my diabetic utopia, every restaurant would have an insulin sommelier

who would recommend a dose for you.

But

obviously,

there's a lot we have to work on in our nation.

By the way, good job keeping the doors closed.

You're doing everything right up there.

And in your nation as well.

We can't go back to normal in any way.

We have to build a new and better normal.

And I'm with you, Matt.

And a new and better normal, every restaurant would have, when we can reopen restaurants again, would have an insulin sommelier.

Thank you.

Yeah, I think that's an important initiative.

Yeah, so, but basically, it's the more the trick is: the more carbs you eat, the harder it is to guess.

You know, if you're only eating something with a tiny amount of carbohydrates in it, you only need a tiny amount of insulin, and you're only likely to make a tiny mistake.

But if you're eating something like half a cake, you're almost guaranteed to, you know, go over or under, right?

It's, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

So, Bryn, how do you feel about the fact that your cake baking hobby,

which spiked like Matt's blood sugar level almost immediately after he got his diagnosis?

You're literally leaving around what he calls disasters waiting to happen around your house.

Right.

Um, well, a couple things.

Matthew manages his diabetes really well.

I think that if he

didn't manage it well, it would be different.

And

I don't really have any other hobbies.

Like,

this is just one thing that really brings me a lot of pleasure.

And I do do most of the cooking, and I try to cook low-carb stuff for our main meals.

And I've changed other things in my diet.

He's a vegetarian, so I don't cook meat.

Yeah, I think I've made lots of concessions, and I'd like to just hold on to this one thing.

Well, setting aside

what a nightmare Matt is in terms of his pickiness and medical requirements

to cook for, tell me about what baking cakes means to you.

How do you feel when you're making them?

What does it bring to your life?

Because obviously you're not making them for him.

You could be destroying your husband with them.

Right.

So you're making them for yourself.

This isn't, I know.

You don't like them.

So tell me what you like about baking them.

I do.

That's, well, I do like them.

I do eat some of the cake, but he just eats them very quickly.

So I don't have a chance.

Objection.

Oh.

You objected, Matt?

Hang on.

I'll allow his objection.

What's your objection, Matt?

Well, I think

I eat them at a

well, sometimes I do eat them quickly.

You can't control yourself.

But Bryn eats them barely at all.

Like, she

will have like one small piece, maybe two small pieces, but the cake is going to go just going to go stale if Bryn's the only one eating it.

I think my wife will consider

blame the staleness for your own cake greed.

Objection overruled.

Bryn, go ahead, please.

Yeah, so to answer what I guess I like about baking cakes or why it brings me pleasure is it's tricky, right?

You don't know until it's all done if you did it right.

So the stakes are kind of high.

And when you get it right,

I have a real sense of accomplishment.

And is it hard for you?

Have you ever tried to not bake?

Well, I tried making some keto cakes.

You made some keto cakes for Matthew.

I did, yeah.

That's where instead of sugar, you just use lard.

Oh no, he's a vegetarian.

Yeah, there's various alternative flours and sugar or sweetening ingredients that you need to do keto baking.

Gotcha.

To lower the carb count.

Okay, but that doesn't answer my question.

How does it feel when you're not baking?

Is it hard for you to not bake?

It's not hard, but I guess an example I'll give is at the beginning of quarantine, I was

feeling pretty, like just pretty down, as most people were.

Why?

Why would you?

Go ahead.

Just existential dread.

Yeah.

I, yeah.

And then I remember I made a cake and I, it really like, it took me out of it.

Like I felt like I had just been sitting like looking at my phone for like days on end and to

to get up and make a cake and finish something, to start something and finish something in a day, it really changed my mood.

It really helped me.

So

are there any other outlets for these cakes besides Matt's mouth?

Not really.

We have some friends in the neighborhood,

and so we'll drop cake off to them sometimes.

It is more difficult during a pandemic, I guess.

Can I clarify that

I actually

I do see that baking cakes brings Bryn a lot of joy, and I actually

would be sad if she stopped baking cakes.

What I am asking is just either that she get the cakes out of the house, like she,

when she's baking a cake, maybe have someone in mind that she's baking the cake for, and then expediently deliver the cake to that person once she's baked it.

Or alternatively,

as she's mentioned,

explore baking that

is not a danger to my livelihood and existence on this planet.

Your livelihood.

Well, I guess as a medical student,

you have to be alive.

I guess that's true.

Bryn submitted some evidence,

specifically testimony from, this is not a photo, testimony from a friend of Bryn and Matt's who is a professional baker.

And this professional baker, who's named Simon, writes to whom it may concern.

It's kind of vague.

Could have just said, dear Judge John Odgman.

You have this letter on hand for anyone?

Whatever.

You're going to bring this letter to the flop house, another podcast?

To whom it may, to any podcaster.

Simon says, quote, there is no joy in gluten-free baking.

Gluten-free baking is a job, not a pleasure, and benefits the recipient of the baking, sometimes, but rarely the baker themselves.

Signed a professional baker.

Simon,

that's another Canadian brag.

A professional baker, period.

So, Matt is saying that he would like you to bake more low-carb or keto cakes.

You present this evidence from another baker suggesting it's no fun.

Is it no fun?

It's no fun, yeah.

Tell me why.

Um, I think for me, like, part of making a cake is the ingredients, obviously.

And

just working with

like flour and sugar is such a basic part of making the cakes.

And I've gotten much better at that.

I understand those ingredients better.

And yeah, keto cakes are, it's like a lot of frothing egg whites.

And I just don't.

And like folding in the ingredients.

It's just not fun.

And it doesn't taste as good.

I still like to have a piece.

Right.

Further evidence you provided are photos from your Instagram stories of these keto cakes

in which your enthusiasm is much lower.

Yeah.

Including what looks to me like a wonderful, like

something topped with berries.

What is this?

I don't, what was that one?

Do you remember?

I don't remember what the base of that cake was.

It was like a keto.

You don't even remember.

I just don't care about it.

Yeah.

Just a big bowl of stevia.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's like a weird aftertaste.

It's, it's no fun.

Your caption, your caption here just says, Matthew wanted a keto cake.

Fine.

Very aggro.

Very aggro.

Yeah.

I will also say he, I came home one day and he was like, I bought you a gift.

And I was really excited.

And then it was a keto baking book.

That's a gift for Matt, not for you.

Yeah.

Matt, that's you just conscripting Bryn into making you bad cakes.

I'm not going to say bad cakes.

I can hear

the keto and low-carb people typing to me right now.

I'm sure there are some delicious low-carb cakes.

Well, I have had my share of

disappointing low-carb cakes, but I have it is possible to make a good low-carb cake.

And the first time I had a good low-carb cake, I thought of

there's a quote at the start of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

He says,

He who makes himself a beast takes away the pain of being a man.

And I think that was a reference to the release of taking drugs.

And I thought of that because I thought, like,

me eating

a tasty, sweet,

baked dessert that doesn't make me anxious about my blood sugar, it was like taking away the pain of being a diabetic who loves

sweet baking.

So

it was changing for me.

And I

was very hopeful when I bought that cookbook that this was going to be a way we could both exist together.

But it didn't work out that way.

Right.

And here in this next photo is a photo of the book.

Time stamped five minutes later.

The book is now in the garbage.

The garbage with a bunch of old cakes and some Canadian pizza.

Weird.

No, that's not true.

The other photo here is Matt, you staring at a cake.

What cake are you staring at?

I don't have the photo in front of me, Judge, but

it's a peanut butter pretzel cake.

Oh.

A peanut butter pretzel cake.

Yeah.

I like both of these.

It's a good cake for someone who

likes savory better.

It's a salty cake.

Yeah.

You would think that I would like,

I'll just eat peanut butter out of a jar with a pretzel.

Yeah.

I don't need to make it round in order to feel normal.

I know I'm abnormal.

Nice, nice

skyline of Alberta behind you, though, in this photo, Matt.

It looks appropriately bleak.

It looks empty and bleak.

It looks like

a 1970s David Cronenberg movie out there.

It's accurate.

Our nickname for the city is Dirt City.

Dirt City?

Oh.

All all right you have one more piece of evidence that that we need to get at before i go to my verdict and this is a video that you sent in brin correct yeah yeah all right tell me and jesse what we're gonna see on this video

um you're going to see matthew reviewing a cake i made uh this is very popular in my instagram stories when matthew reviews my cakes.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, there'll be some squeaking in the background because my dog.

Is this all just buzz marketing for your Instagram?

No, no, no, not at all.

Go ahead, say what your Instagram is.

It is BrynBW.

B-R-Y-N-B-W.

Yep.

All right, I'll follow it.

Look, I've reviewed this video, and before we play the audio for the listener, and Jesse, I'd like you to watch along here.

I just want to warn the listener and you, Joel.

This video is a little creepy.

Fellow, it's a little like a hostage video or like a a videotape found on the floor of an abandoned cabin in Alberta, Canada.

Matt is,

I'll paint the picture for the listener before they hear the audio.

Matt is seated in front of a completely blank wall

at a table that is bare except for a plate of cake and a glass of milk.

And Matt is adorable in this video,

but very wide-eyed.

And I feel like his pupils are extra dilated, like he's received an injection of sodium pentothal or something.

We'll make it available on the show page and on the Instagram.

But just as you hear it now, also, as you hear it now, I want to warn you: there are some audio triggers that some people might not like.

You are definitely going to hear the sound of eating, which some people do not like to listen to, as well as the sound of a fork scraping a plate, which I'm getting.

And also, the word moist plays heavily into this audio.

And Matt at one point says yummy in a weird way.

That said, it is still worth watching all the way through for the cameo at the end of Ethel the Bernadoodle.

Let's take a look.

Chocolatey,

creamy,

sweet, Mmm.

Delicious.

Let's try it with a bit of milk here.

Yay, Ethel.

Is it the moistest chocolate cake you've ever had?

I think so.

It's almost a pudding.

All right.

I stand corrected.

You didn't say yummy.

He said delicious

in a weird, druggy way.

And the wall behind him was not completely blank.

There was one weird mid-wall double outlet, electrical outlet, with nothing plugged into it.

That was strange.

But otherwise, adorable.

What did you want to prove with this, Bryn, before I go and make my verdict?

That he does enjoy the cakes.

He enjoys.

Of course he enjoys the cakes.

No one...

He started this out by saying he loves cake.

Yeah, that's exactly exactly the problem that i enjoy the cakes you're leaving all this temptation around you're filming him as as you are destroying his bodily functions

i mean i think he again i'll say he takes very good care of himself he manages his diabetes very well

i think there was like uh after i got diabetes there was like this this like two-month period where Bryn was like really careful about like

She was like researching how to like cook meals that were good for it and then I think it became evident that I was doing a really good job of taking care of it and then I feel like she just went completely the other way and just started making cakes all the time so which I don't I don't I feel is maybe unfair it's like because I'm doing this extra work of taking care of myself is it fair to just leave all these cakes around all the time and make it even harder.

So

Bryn, let me ask you a serious question here.

Sure.

When you make a cake, does the pleasure come in finishing the cake in a way that you deem successful?

Or is the process not complete until you kidnap your husband and film a video of him saying that it's delicious?

Is that part of it for you?

So when I was taking the cakes out of the house and like taking them to work to give them

to the cooks, he would always ask me to save him some.

So often he's asking for the cake even when I'm doing what?

Don't dance around my question, Bryn.

I do.

I think.

Is it enough to bake a cake or does Matt have to eat it in order for the pleasure cycle to be complete?

No, he doesn't have to.

He doesn't have to.

But I do enjoy those.

As you said, he's very adorable.

I do enjoy his reviews.

Yeah.

They're funny.

Joel, what did you think of that audio?

was pretty creepy, but I would just say, has an insurance policy been taken out on that recently?

Good question.

Good question.

I'm not trying to kill him.

That's not.

That's the Canadian way of saying you are trying to kill him.

No.

I did say at one point, if you want a divorce, like if you don't want me around, we can have a divorce.

You don't need to slowly murder me with cakes.

Why Why is this getting so dark?

Oh, right.

Right.

It's two in the afternoon.

It's getting dark in Alberta.

I forgot.

Sorry.

Even in the summertime.

All right.

I think I've heard everything I need to.

Real quick question, just so that I understand, Matt, you're not asking that Bryn stop baking cakes, but she has to get them out of the house within 24 hours before you turn into a cake monster and eat it.

Yes, and or

explore baking cakes with less carbohydrates in them using.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

Forget that, buddy.

You can do that for yourself.

That's your hobby.

All right.

Okay.

Where do you propose these cakes go?

To someone who will appreciate them.

Yeah, to our friends, our family.

I guess.

I suppose if she just took them into the backyard and threw them in the trash, I would still feel uncomfortable with that.

So someone who's going to appreciate them.

Bryn, do you have friends and family that you can voice these cakes off on for real?

I do, yeah.

But I would like

to be able to decide if the cake was good enough to share.

Right.

So if it's a suboptimal cake, then it gets shoved into Matt's hole.

Well, I'm okay with throwing it out.

All right.

I think I heard everything I need to.

I'm going going to go into my night kitchen.

I'll take a moment and I'll be back with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Matt, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling pretty good that there's going to be some kind of ruling that will be protective to my health, but I'm a little disappointed that he seems to have totally disregarded the idea of encouraging low-carb cakes because that would be my

ideal

outcome because that way I get to actually enjoy some cakes.

Bryn, how are you feeling?

Yeah, I think the fact that Matthew has diabetes

makes me look kind of like a monster.

So

not, I don't think he's going to rule in my favor.

I mean, if you really are hard up for people to send cakes to, A, I'm willing to accept a cake.

And B, my neighbor Chris, I've been going through a hard time at home.

My neighbor Chris has been baking bread and leaving it on the fence between our houses for me.

And I haven't really made anything for him in quite some time.

So maybe you could send one cake to Chris and one cake to me.

Sure.

And just, I mean, I would be willing to do that every other week, let's say.

So that pretty much takes care of the cakes, right?

Problem solved.

Great.

Well, we'll see what the judge has to say about all this when we come back in just a second.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

So, one piece of evidence that I did not have time to get to, but I still think is fascinating, and

we'll post this on the show page as well, is that Matt sent me a research article.

Which, of course, I did not read because I don't do homework just because you thought it was a good idea, Matt.

So, I did not read this article, but here is Matt's summary.

Quote, basically, this article describes an experiment where they put people in a room smelling of fresh chocolate cookies, showed them the cookies, and then forbade them to eat any cookies, and then forced them to eat radishes instead.

It's like, frankly, that sounds like a great deal.

I like that.

Did they have butter and salt with them?

Then the researchers asked them to try and solve a puzzle.

The puzzle was impossible to solve, but they didn't tell them this.

And the researchers timed how long it took to give up.

They found that the people who were forced to eat radishes gave up sooner compared to the people who got to eat the cookies, thus concluding that willpower is a finite resource that can be depleted by tasks like resisting baked goods.

I don't know what kind of...

cockapoo science is going on up there in Canada.

Like, is this a real research article or are you describing your own wife locking you in a room with a bunch of cake, forcing you to smell it, and then watching your willpower crumble?

It is eerily similar to my situation, but it is in fact

a landmark study that developed this idea called ego depletion about that willpower could be depleted.

I take it from your submitting this evidence.

That you feel your willpower is being tested.

Well, yes, and then that that in turn affects the rest of my life.

You know, if I'm trying to study for med school and at the same time, I'm trying to resist eating cakes, it's hard to do both at the same time.

I will say this:

if I were in that room, I would be so excited to eat those radishes.

I don't understand matt.

I do not have

whatever genetic makeup it is

that I feel that if I don't eat those cookies that I've been shown and smelled, that I will not be able to solve the puzzle, that I will not be able to live a productive life.

I feel very, very neutral.

In a way that I appreciate Matt and lots and lots,

probably many, many more,

people in the world do feel

that their willpower is tested.

and their internal life essence is sapped when they are tempted with a cake that they must deny themselves.

I believe Matt's struggle is real,

and he didn't have to give me a piece of homework to prove it.

Just believe him.

It is at the basis of one of the oldest precepts of this court.

People like what they like.

They crave what they crave.

They need what they need.

And of course,

In balance with this, we have

Bryn,

who likes to bake cakes,

and specifically traditional sugar and flour, carb-heavy, non-lardy stevia cakes.

And she likes to do it in a vacuum.

The output, the completion of the pleasure for her,

does not seem to be getting Matt to eat it.

Her disinterest in them being eaten is so great to the point that she would risk his life to leave a cake around.

She doesn't care whether he eats it or not, nor does she care to eat it.

The completion of the pleasure is showing the cake on Instagram.

And

if that comes across as damning,

I don't mean it that way.

Like, that's just the way it is.

Whether or not we're in the midst of a global pandemic when

we are feeling stress in different ways.

And when we are feeling stress and seek to ease it, we need meditative practices to make things,

to distract our brains, to make our time feel less difficult.

Now, some people

build models.

Some people play solitaire.

Some people do needle craft.

Some people, like me,

make bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches.

I don't care whether anyone ever eats them.

I just like making them.

I like creating order out of that eggy chaos.

Some people do jigsaw puzzles.

Do you know what I mean?

And some people do jigsaw puzzles that are unsolvable after they have been shown chocolate chip cookies.

Everyone's got weird things that they do.

So ultimately, I want to respect both of these things.

Matt has no willpower.

He can't help himself.

He's going to eat himself into some kind of sugar shock.

Got to be careful about that.

But Bryn, you should be able to make as many cakes as you want.

And the mystery here is how do we do this?

Because when you solve a jigsaw puzzle and you have that feeling of completion that you did it, you just break up the puzzle and put it away.

But a cake has to be eaten or else it is purposeful waste, which is shameful.

So in no way am I going to order Bryn to make more keto cakes for Matt.

That's not part of her thing.

That's not her hobby.

She and professional baker Simon are snobs about it.

And while I don't like his attitude at all, I appreciate that that preference is real.

You bought that book,

Matt.

Pull it out of the garbage, make your own keto cakes if that's what you want to eat.

But in the meantime,

Bryn, you got to get those cakes out of the house.

Your boy has no willpower.

Can't help himself.

It's like, you know, like, what is it that dogs can't eat?

Chocolate?

Yeah.

Let's say you were really into tempering chocolate and making fine chocolate and making chocolate things, chocolates, right?

And you're just pumping out the chocolate, and then you're just like, I don't want to eat this.

I just like

the process and ritual of making it.

And then you just dump it on the floor.

What's Ethel going to do?

It's going to eat all that chocolate off the floor.

Then you got to go to a Canadian vet.

That's no good.

Got to get those cakes out of there.

You got to find someone to take your cakes.

Now, look, here's the solution.

We already plugged your Instagram, BrynBW.

I don't know if you have enough followers that you can see where most of your followers are,

but surely there are more than a few.

What's Dirttown the nickname of?

What's the town?

Edmonton.

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

Surely there are enough, you have enough followers in Dirttown.

It's sorry, it's Dirt City.

Oh, excuse me.

Surely you have enough followers in the Dirt metropolitan area

that you can post a picture of the cake

and then

And then list the intersection in Dirt City where you're going to be leaving that cake for someone to get.

It's going to be a cake scavenger hunt for your followers.

First person to comment on it gets dibs.

Maybe the first person who gets there gets dibs.

You make your cake using as best pandemic protocol as possible.

Explain, you know,

be hygienic, is what I'm saying.

Right?

Bake your cake, take the pick,

post it on Instagram, and then say, leaving this

in spot 37B in Edmonton Euler's Plaza or whatever,

parking lot.

Come and get it.

You can keep one cake

per,

you say it's every two weeks?

Yeah.

You can keep a cake a month that you and Matt can enjoy along with a little insulin chaser.

But for your experiments,

even the ones that go wrong, someone will take pleasure in that cake.

Someone out there will want to eat that cake.

And you should, you know,

when one has a hobby and when one makes mistakes, one should not hide or throw those mistakes away.

Own them.

Post those pictures and say, I'm going to leave this,

you know, on this park bench or here or there.

Take cake at your own risk.

Call it take a cake.

It's going to be the new Instagram sensation.

Listeners, if you're in or near the dirt metropolitan area, go follow Bryn BW.

Get ready to get some free cakes.

It's going to be like geocaching, but cakes.

Keiko cache.

I don't know.

I can't figure it out.

But you got to get those cakes out of there before Matt and Ethel eat themselves to death.

While Calamity Jane the cat just smiles.

That's Calamity Jane's plan all along.

is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules out us all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Bryn, how do you feel about this compromise?

I think it's fair.

Yeah, I feel good about it.

You know, if you come to my neighborhood, there's a Mount Washington Produce Collective.

You could put out your cakes, and then you go around and collect everybody's lemons and limes and stuff.

That sounds nice.

Matt, how are you feeling?

Pretty good.

This is going to work.

Maybe,

yeah, if there's people out there in Dirt City that want to follow Bryn on Instagram, maybe we can get a lot of eager mouths for these cakes.

Who knows?

Maybe there's someone out there who's

just loves making low-carb cakes and their partner hates them and we can, we'll form an exchange with them.

It could all work out.

This is all just Matthew wanting keto cakes.

That's all he wants.

I'm just trying to imagine a person who's like, oh my god, make some low-carb cakes today

lemmy at that

spelt

but i don't like i don't like eating them i just love making them and leaving them around my house what can i do with them

i simply prefer to cook with confusing ingredients not not suitable for the task

look if anybody out there likes making keto cakes god bless you it's not my lifestyle but i i wish you the best in yours.

Bryn, Matt, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thanks for having us.

Yeah, thanks.

It was fun.

Another Judge John Hodgman case in the books.

In a moment, we'll dispense swift justice.

First, our thanks to Llama Mattingly for naming this week's episode Contemptive Tort.

If you'd like to name a future episode like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook, we regularly put out some calls for submissions on Facebook.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

Hashtag your JudgeJohn Hodgman tweets.

Hashtag JJ Ho.

And check out that MaxFund subreddit, maximumfund.reddit.com.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman, where you can see some of these beautiful cakes and their Drake song title captions.

Judge John Hodgman, produced by the ever-capable Ms.

Jennifer Marmor.

Now, let's get to Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment.

Kevin says, my wife insists on pronouncing it Sherbert.

Please make her stop.

I've always hated this word, and I've always hated this product, not just because I dislike sweets,

but when was the last time you had a sherbet?

Oh, I don't know.

I was probably nine years old.

It was before I learned that ice cream is better than Sherbet.

You call it Sherbert?

I don't know.

Sherbet?

Sherbet?

Either way.

I don't know.

My dad's from Missouri and he used to say washing.

Worshing.

So there's a lot of extra Rs in my ancestral speech.

I thought you meant he called sherbet washing.

No, no.

He would clean his clothes using the washing machine.

According to the American Kitchen Magazine from 1902, and this is according, of course, to Wikipedia,

there is a distinction between

what is called a water ice, like what you call Italian ice or a sorbet, sorbet, from sherbets, saying that sherbets are water ices frozen more rapidly and egg white or gelatin is often added to give a creamy consistency

or milk or another dairy is added to it.

Now, if you grew up in southern New Jersey or Philadelphia, you don't say water ice, you say warderoise.

So I order, I don't like sherbet, I don't like sherbette.

I understand why sherbet is often pronounced sherbet because it feels like there should be an R there, but they both sound gross.

So from now on, Kevin's wife, just call it border oice plus milk.

I support it.

All right.

Thank you.

That's it for this week's episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash JJHO or email hodgman at maximumfund.org.

No cases too small.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I prefer to drink my cake.

Let's just drop that in somewhere.

We were still rolling on that, right?

Rolling.

He's still.

Yeah, I think he's been drinking cake all morning, frankly.

I don't know what's going on out there.

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