Live From Portland Maine at the State Theatre

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
This week's episode was recorded live in Portland, Maine, at the beautiful State Theater.

Speaker 5 Yeah, not only were we recording in Portland, Maine, one of the great cities of Maine, but we were also joined by a very special musical guest.

Speaker 8 What a treat for me, the Night and Day Jazz Trio.

Speaker 13 Summertime listeners will know that when I'm recording the Judge John Hodgman podcast from Maine, Joel Mann is the taciturn producer up there at W-E-R-U-F-M in Orlando, Maine.

Speaker 6 He also plays bass in the night and day trio, and he was joined by his two trio members, Chris Poulin

Speaker 3 and Steve Orlofsky.

Speaker 18 Mr. O, of course, being the leader of the George Stevens Academy High School Jazz Band.

Speaker 17 I was so thrilled to see these guys.

Speaker 12 And I had a really great time visiting with my friends and neighbors in Portland.

Speaker 18 So without further ado, what should we do, Jesse?

Speaker 1 Return to a time when public gatherings were legal and appropriate.

Speaker 24 Let's go to the stage.

Speaker 26 Portland, you've come to us desperate for justice, and we're here at the State Theater to deliver it.

Speaker 28 Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Speaker 26 Please welcome Lauren and James

Speaker 26 Tonight's case, the sole truth and nothing but the truth.

Speaker 33 So help me, clog or whatever.

Speaker 27 Lauren files suit against her husband, James.

Speaker 34 She has indoor slippers with hard soles that she likes to wear around the house.

Speaker 36 James is bothered when she puts her feet up on the sofa while wearing the slippers.

Speaker 26 He thinks they're too much like shoes. Lauren says her feet get cold.

Speaker 3 and she wants to be cozy in her own home.

Speaker 38 Who's right, who's wrong?

Speaker 34 Only one can decide. Please rise metaphorically as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Speaker 39 When Jane woke up in the middle of the night, she discovered she had been sleepwalking.

Speaker 43 She was in the kitchen, but she couldn't recall getting out of bed and coming downstairs.

Speaker 41 The kitchen was silent. The only sound was from the softly purring refrigerator.

Speaker 40 The only light was from the moon.

Speaker 46 But because the moon was full and because the kitchen had quite a few windows, there was enough light to see by.

Speaker 44 Jane was standing at the counter near the sink.

Speaker 40 She had opened one of the drawers and had taken a butcher knife out of it. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear the men.

Speaker 34 Lauren and James, please raise your right hands.

Speaker 27 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Speaker 48 So help you, God or whatever.

Speaker 37 I do. I do.

Speaker 3 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has no feet, only a a second set of legs below his larger legs?

Speaker 52 I do.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 27 Judge Hodgman?

Speaker 53 Lauren.

Speaker 55 How did you.

Speaker 34 It's the last night we're getting weird.

Speaker 29 What's even the premise of that joke?

Speaker 34 I keep.

Speaker 58 How did you know about my sublegs?

Speaker 58 Take off my shoes and other legs come out like that.

Speaker 39 It's because we, you know, because we're on the road, we're traveling, we're sharing with each other, we're seeing each other's feet, which is something that Lauren and James don't like to do.

Speaker 19 Lauren and James, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours.

Speaker 39 Favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I read as I entered the courtroom?

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 64 I'm going to give you an advantage here.

Speaker 17 Because

Speaker 45 this case is about slippers.

Speaker 39 And not a lot of great movies, books, and songs are written about slippers.

Speaker 65 Really?

Speaker 66 Really had a hard time figuring out a slipper-themed quote.

Speaker 58 Now I'm suddenly realizing you each have a pair of slippers, which I do not understand.

Speaker 39 I thought this was about one pair of slippers.

Speaker 68 So did I.

Speaker 53 But I feel like I turned around and some elves came and made more.

Speaker 69 Like, at the end of this case, I feel like this whole stage is going to be buried in slippers.

Speaker 65 The only thing that I could come up with that was in any way interesting to me

Speaker 71 was that there is a style of

Speaker 17 men's slipper called the Prince Albert slipper, named for the Prince Prince Consort of Queen Victoria, a black crushed velvet slipper that is to be worn

Speaker 66 as formal attire

Speaker 43 by gentlemen of the Victorian era giving dinner parties.

Speaker 58 And I realize that was very interesting to me, but not to anyone else involved.

Speaker 33 And also, Prince Albert.

Speaker 27 I'm not here to contradict you, but somebody on this stage, I won't say, who just received in the mail a copy of

Speaker 27 the art book, The Gentleman's Slipper.

Speaker 3 Oh, so which is exclusively photographs of such shoes.

Speaker 36 Well, they had to order it from England, but I'm not saying who it was.

Speaker 61 Well, in any case, Prince Albert himself said nothing memorable in his lifetime for me to quote, and the only quotes about Prince Albert were by Sarah Ferguson.

Speaker 60 She wrote a book about him, so I didn't want to do that.

Speaker 10 So instead,

Speaker 67 grasping at straws, I noticed in the green room here at the lovely State Theater in Portland a wildly diverse array of reading material, books left behind by traveling acts and bands

Speaker 58 that reflected no single

Speaker 39 bibliographic vision, just a bunch of old junk books.

Speaker 20 So I grabbed at random a paragraph from one of these books, and to give you, since you can't possibly guess, I will make it multiple choice for you.

Speaker 58 These are four books that are upstairs right now.

Speaker 67 I have photographic evidence if you need to see it, doubters.

Speaker 79 That passage was from one of these four books, and you may each make a choice, but you can't pick the same one.

Speaker 39 Was that passage from

Speaker 4 Careless in Red by Elizabeth George,

Speaker 39 The Mask by Dean Kuntz,

Speaker 39 The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen,

Speaker 4 or Letters to Penthouse, Volume 50,

Speaker 61 which impossibly exists and was printed in print in the year 2015, I check.

Speaker 33 People don't always have Wi-Fi.

Speaker 4 So, let's see.

Speaker 70 Lauren, why don't you guess first?

Speaker 62 Letters to Penthouse.

Speaker 4 Letters to Penthouse is Lauren's guess.

Speaker 65 I'll make a note of it.

Speaker 3 This is the Judge John Hodgman podcast after dark, after all.

Speaker 56 That's right.

Speaker 60 James, what is your guess, if you have one?

Speaker 65 Do you remember the...

Speaker 52 I'm just going to go with B. Who knows? The second one.

Speaker 33 The second one.

Speaker 5 Well, since you can't name it, I can't give it to you.

Speaker 58 Because it was B.

Speaker 10 The Mask by Dean Coons.

Speaker 86 Well, it's been good. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 87 No, no, no.

Speaker 62 You didn't even bother to remember the names that I offered you.

Speaker 86 Lauren did, though.

Speaker 79 All right. So who seeks justice before this court?

Speaker 21 I do. Lauren, what is the nature of you dispute?

Speaker 89 So I have these very comfy slippers.

Speaker 90 And you're holding them here.

Speaker 32 I am. Yes.

Speaker 89 And James thinks it's disgusting when I put my feet up on the couch while I'm wearing them.

Speaker 66 I put my feet up on the couch.

Speaker 89 Yeah, if I'm lounging.

Speaker 66 Sure, if you're lounging on the couch.

Speaker 3 Lauren, can you describe the slippers in question?

Speaker 89 Thank you. Yes, they have shearling inside.
They're a hard rubber on the bottom. They're an LLB slipper.

Speaker 91 Sure.

Speaker 89 You know, I'm sure half the people here have them, but you know.

Speaker 53 You are required by law to buy them, I believe, as the president of the state of Manhattan.

Speaker 33 That's true. When I am a group, I have to.

Speaker 92 They come with your Subaru.

Speaker 55 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 89 Which we also have.

Speaker 77 Does anyone here have the

Speaker 59 LL Bean Edition Super Room?

Speaker 78 It's a thing that exists.

Speaker 56 Right?

Speaker 57 I'm not making that up.

Speaker 38 Does anyone have it?

Speaker 5 Interesting.

Speaker 65 Too good for the LL Bean Edition Super Room.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Okay, so you wear these in the house.

Speaker 65 You live here in Maine. Yeah.

Speaker 89 Where do you live if I live? We live in Westbrook. In Westbrook.
Just over the line.

Speaker 25 Just over the line.

Speaker 64 That means something, I suppose.

Speaker 32 Portland, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 67 And James, you don't like these slippers?

Speaker 52 No, well, I think to clarify, it's not just putting her feet up on the sofa, wearing these. Right.
She'll bring the trash out in these. In winter, in snow, in dirt.

Speaker 52 They've also been worn in bed when she's cold.

Speaker 91 Whoa, I submitted photo-proof.

Speaker 3 When you say worn in bed, do you mean worn on bed or worn

Speaker 86 under the covers?

Speaker 53 Yes.

Speaker 52 Wow. So that cold night, you roll over, you touch off her foot.
No, no, it's a rubber sole.

Speaker 84 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 12 I mean, you know, there's...

Speaker 88 Can I clarify a little bit?

Speaker 58 There's nothing more romantic in Maine than in the dead of winter reaching over betwixt the flannel LLB sheets to touch your loved one's foot.

Speaker 77 It writes itself.

Speaker 58 Now, I notice you have an accent.

Speaker 39 Based on your accent, may I presume that you are from Swann's Swann's Island, Maine?

Speaker 33 Close.

Speaker 49 Very close.

Speaker 37 No, Dublin, Ireland.

Speaker 56 Dublin, Ireland.

Speaker 21 Well, how long have you lived

Speaker 21 in Maine?

Speaker 39 And what brought you to this country?

Speaker 14 My lovely wife. Your lovely wife.

Speaker 19 So, Lauren, how do you respond to these accusations?

Speaker 14 Because that's gross stuff.

Speaker 56 Thank you. I agree.

Speaker 89 So these are new slippers, and I have never worn them outside. He is submitting old evidence.

Speaker 32 Oh, these are all.

Speaker 87 I have changed my ways.

Speaker 67 These are the oldies.

Speaker 89 Those are the oldies. This is last-minute evidence.

Speaker 68 So from the past eight years.

Speaker 21 James, you are holding a pair of slippers.

Speaker 4 These are the older slippers.

Speaker 72 Lauren tried to deceive this court with a pair of fresh, clean slippers.

Speaker 68 Correct.

Speaker 83 As though I wasn't,

Speaker 46 because to me, those fresh, clean slippers look like perfectly good house shoes, though not

Speaker 24 bed shoes.

Speaker 34 But James, you know better, and you brought the original pair.

Speaker 4 How would you, Lauren described her pair of slippers?

Speaker 54 How would you, using the most colorful Dublin slang possible, no Blarney,

Speaker 39 describe these? And

Speaker 24 you say it in your own words, whatever comes to mind.

Speaker 52 Keeping it clean, they're pretty mangy.

Speaker 68 Pretty mangy.

Speaker 52 I'll keep it clean.

Speaker 58 It's the exact same brand, but obviously much older.

Speaker 14 They look like

Speaker 39 the shearling was taken from a very elderly sheep.

Speaker 58 And may I see the soles?

Speaker 73 I see.

Speaker 86 Careful. Well, they actually, that's fine.

Speaker 46 They actually look pretty clean, these soles.

Speaker 39 I mean, they're a little darkened, obviously.

Speaker 98 I wouldn't want to touch them in bed.

Speaker 56 Lauren,

Speaker 56 why are you wearing?

Speaker 64 I'm not going to shame anyone.

Speaker 72 How dare you wear your slippers in bed?

Speaker 77 It's cold.

Speaker 77 It's not even a question.

Speaker 89 It's cold like 10 months of the year here.

Speaker 32 No,

Speaker 58 I understand.

Speaker 68 Are you from this area originally?

Speaker 24 I am. You are.

Speaker 63 So you know. Have you always, did you grow up?

Speaker 65 Is it a cultural main Westbrook kind of just over-the-line thing to

Speaker 58 wear the same footwear that you take the garbage out in into bed?

Speaker 89 Well, we have a new house, and I have not worn those since we moved.

Speaker 39 Don't dodge the question, Lauren. How long have you been wearing your slippers into bed?

Speaker 89 Oh, I still wear these ones into bed because I'm cold.

Speaker 26 They're clean, they're house shoes.

Speaker 29 Have you heard of socks?

Speaker 94 Thank you.

Speaker 68 They make my feet sweat. These don't.

Speaker 24 What are you talking about?

Speaker 24 How

Speaker 61 in Westwork is it possible

Speaker 10 that socks make your feet sweat, but those shearling slippers do not?

Speaker 89 Well, I can kick them off, too, if I get hot. I can't kick socks off themselves.

Speaker 10 Have you considered getting a separate pair of slippers to wear in bed?

Speaker 89 No.

Speaker 74 No. James is shaking his head.

Speaker 52 Don't give ideas.

Speaker 22 So you would not want her to wear.

Speaker 65 I mean, it's not merely a cleanliness issue. It is you want her bare feet in bed with.

Speaker 31 No, I don't mind socks.

Speaker 92 Socks is a compromise I'll work with.

Speaker 41 Yeah, but she can't kick off the socks. And take it from me.

Speaker 58 If there's someone who sleeps in your bed with socks on and they kick off their socks while they sleep, then within three days, there are 45 pairs of socks.

Speaker 52 So the photo I submitted for evidence was myself making the bed, finding multiple slippers in the bedroom.

Speaker 32 Multiple slippers!

Speaker 52 Because it's all piled up under the covers.

Speaker 53 Wait, how many pairs do you have, Laura?

Speaker 102 It's the pair.

Speaker 91 It's the pair.

Speaker 38 So by multiple, do you mean two, James?

Speaker 37 Four.

Speaker 33 Four now.

Speaker 89 Those were in the closet.

Speaker 103 He dug those out tonight.

Speaker 46 Yeah, but you still own them.

Speaker 89 I forgot that I own them.

Speaker 58 Boy, it must be nice living in the corner.

Speaker 100 They're in rental floor drop.

Speaker 14 You know,

Speaker 39 in Maine, you have different storage options than in New York City.

Speaker 21 You never forget that you have a pair of slippers.

Speaker 63 You can't just throw them into your storage pod or whatever and come and find them later.

Speaker 100 So, James,

Speaker 73 how does it make you feel when your foot seeks to find your beloved's foot and you feel

Speaker 76 the coarse, rough, hard LL bean rubber with maybe just a soup of garbage on them

Speaker 52 it's pretty weird it's it's uncomfortable and and and has have you ever asked Lauren to modify her behavior on numerous occasions over the years yeah and why

Speaker 52 what does she say when you ask her I've made no inroads that's why we're here right

Speaker 101 but she doesn't say she doesn't Lauren, you don't say,

Speaker 21 I know it's wrong, but I'm doing it anyway.

Speaker 94 Right. It's just not wrong.

Speaker 32 Oh.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 40 So you just say, no, I'm not going to change.

Speaker 89 Well, it's mostly his approach, because he just scoffs, or it's like, that's disgusting.

Speaker 15 Oh, that's not asking.

Speaker 87 I've asked you.

Speaker 52 I've asked two, but it becomes when you've asked often enough, you don't get that far.

Speaker 73 Then it just becomes scoffing.

Speaker 83 Yes.

Speaker 67 Have you ever,

Speaker 58 as my character in Parks and Recreation, as scripted by Megan Anram,

Speaker 42 said to her simply, scoff.

Speaker 8 I'm not there yet.

Speaker 90 Okay, get in there.

Speaker 58 Obviously, this disgusts your husband.

Speaker 66 I presume you care about him.

Speaker 58 Yes.

Speaker 73 Why not seek a common ground?

Speaker 89 Because they're clean shoes.

Speaker 87 Or not shoes. They're shoes.

Speaker 35 Let the record show.

Speaker 54 No!

Speaker 69 Let the record show.

Speaker 69 She admitted there were shoes. House shoes, perhaps, but shoes to be sure.

Speaker 89 Can I say that I think the mental barrier for James is that we've seen many a teen and college student wear these as shoes in public in Maine. Sure.

Speaker 70 Are you in a college?

Speaker 43 Is Westbrook a college town?

Speaker 89 No, but if we're going to the movies or something, there's always somewhere in there.

Speaker 47 Look, I have no doubt

Speaker 39 that when you drive 13 hours to go to the movies,

Speaker 58 that you are seeing young college students in Maine wearing all manner of non-shoe shoes.

Speaker 39 I have no doubt that you are seeing many grown and happy adults wearing slippers into the movies in Maine.

Speaker 58 That's what Maine is all about.

Speaker 94 There's some cultural things here, I think.

Speaker 75 Well, how would you explain the the cultural difference to James?

Speaker 40 Well, like, you know, once it's winter and it's Maine, we basically just give up.

Speaker 45 Right.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Alternately, here in Maine, we nasty.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 89 Well, I think it started when he moved over. We went to a friend's wedding like two weeks later at a nice wedding, and someone was wearing cargo shorts.

Speaker 33 I was better than that.

Speaker 89 He didn't know what he was getting himself into.

Speaker 20 Have you, I mean,

Speaker 39 coming from Ireland,

Speaker 40 there is obviously, I think, a somewhat different standard of casual versus formal dress in the United States in general.

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 41 And in Maine specifically.

Speaker 58 It's a new level.

Speaker 85 This is a pretty cash place.

Speaker 75 Definitely.

Speaker 39 And how would you describe what you're seeing?

Speaker 52 By the first adjustment was... people not taking a hat off at a restaurant.
That took me a couple years to adjust.

Speaker 22 Yeah, that's hard.

Speaker 35 That was a weird one.

Speaker 8 Even with you, nobody should ever, ever, ever.

Speaker 27 There's no circumstance where you should wear a hat indoors.

Speaker 33 No, of course not.

Speaker 70 Essentially, you're signaling to the establishment that you don't trust them to keep the rain out.

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 100 But

Speaker 100 cargo shorts at a main wedding is pretty

Speaker 24 down the middle.

Speaker 52 Yeah, no one was shocked by that. I had a nice three-piece suit.
I polished my shoes, cleaned up, and

Speaker 33 James. I'm sure we were.

Speaker 67 Did they all ask you for hors d'oeuvres and stuff?

Speaker 52 They probably thought I was officiating.

Speaker 27 James, I'm sure when you moved from Dublin to the United States, you were confident that you could find a place with worse weather than Dublin.

Speaker 68 That was my goal.

Speaker 3 The one place on earth.

Speaker 27 How does weather factor into your feelings about this?

Speaker 49 Because

Speaker 3 while Ireland is in a constant state of bone-chilling damp,

Speaker 47 it doesn't get nearly as cold there as it does here.

Speaker 78 No, that's true.

Speaker 52 And I do understand that with slippers in the house, cold feet, that's fine. We still turn up the heat.
You can still put on socks.

Speaker 17 Come on. I found Ireland.

Speaker 107 It's not that hot in the house.

Speaker 52 Ireland's rain and cold somehow gets into your bones. That's a colder weather than the snow.

Speaker 61 And it transforms your personality.

Speaker 33 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 33 Same here.

Speaker 52 But we have these shoes that you wear outdoors if you have to deal with the snow and whatever. You take them off.
Yeah. And you could put on these kind of shoes.

Speaker 52 You still take them off before you go to bed.

Speaker 4 These kinds of slippers, right?

Speaker 5 In Ireland, when it's very, very cold,

Speaker 43 what does one wear to bed on their feet, if anything?

Speaker 52 Nothing. I've never worn anything in bed on my feet.

Speaker 89 Because he's a furnace. Right?

Speaker 91 It's just called Irish nude feet.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 32 What did you say?

Speaker 89 He's like a human furnace.

Speaker 86 Oh, he runs hot? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 32 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 89 And I'm freezing all the time.

Speaker 15 Yeah, well, that's, you know,

Speaker 39 there's that as well.

Speaker 67 So if I were to rule in your favor, James, how would you have me rule?

Speaker 52 I actually wanted pretty middle ground. I'm willing to purchase wool socks or something warm for her feet.

Speaker 74 Socks will not work, James.

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 52 Then she'll have to do bare feet.

Speaker 83 I'll sleep happy then.

Speaker 78 Bare feet or

Speaker 56 nothing. Right.

Speaker 98 Bare feet or nothing is kind of redundant to say.

Speaker 3 Okay. James, everyone knows wool socks make your feet sweat.
Wearing an entire sheep on your feet doesn't.

Speaker 4 That's right.

Speaker 33 Shearling breathes.

Speaker 26 To be fair, a sheep that's been turned inside out.

Speaker 52 I can arrange that.

Speaker 100 Yeah, and also, wool socks won't do it.

Speaker 11 What you need is to wear shearling slippers with your feet wrapped up in saran wrap as well.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 98 Lauren, if I were to rule in your favor, how would you have me rule?

Speaker 89 I would like to continue wearing my slippers on the couch. I will compromise and not wear them in bed.

Speaker 58 And are you going to wear these new slippers out to take out the garbage and such?

Speaker 89 No, I never have.

Speaker 4 Not so far.

Speaker 100 Not so far.

Speaker 19 But history shows you're able to do it.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 89 I won't.

Speaker 95 I won't take it.

Speaker 16 Let the record show that Lauren is giving me a suspicious look, that I don't fully trust.

Speaker 21 Fully trust she's not going to go out there sometime.

Speaker 75 I promise.

Speaker 45 Just take that garbage out real quick.

Speaker 65 And James is looking.

Speaker 58 Just tip, tip, tip, tip, toe on

Speaker 33 little cat slipper feet.

Speaker 83 Take out the recycling.

Speaker 81 Well, I'm going to have to believe you because you're under fake oath.

Speaker 21 I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

Speaker 39 I'm going to go into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Speaker 3 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 30 Lauren,

Speaker 29 how do you feel about your chances in this case?

Speaker 89 I felt really good going into it. Now I'm not so sure.

Speaker 27 On what basis did you feel good going into it?

Speaker 34 I guess just like my point is you know what you did.

Speaker 89 I just felt righteous, you know.

Speaker 26 Is this like something you've checked in with other people about?

Speaker 27 Like you wear shoes inside the bed, right?

Speaker 36 And they're like, yeah, girlfriend, I do.

Speaker 107 Yes.

Speaker 50 James,

Speaker 3 how are you feeling about your chances in the case slash chances of continuing to live in America?

Speaker 52 So part A, confident. Part B, not so much.

Speaker 37 No.

Speaker 106 Okay, well. It's been a good one.

Speaker 3 We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about it. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Speaker 104 you may be seated.

Speaker 4 James, I am also a stranger to Maine.

Speaker 85 You know, I grew up in Massachusetts.

Speaker 66 Thank you very much.

Speaker 73 I have lived and continue to live very happily most of the time

Speaker 8 in Brooklyn, New York.

Speaker 86 And sure,

Speaker 70 that is a borough that needs no cheering.

Speaker 98 We're fine.

Speaker 33 Not an an underdog.

Speaker 93 But Maine is the place

Speaker 72 that has been selected for me by my wife as the place I will die.

Speaker 56 So

Speaker 34 and the hole's been dug.

Speaker 82 Pretty much.

Speaker 20 And we...

Speaker 39 You know, we spend a big chunk of the summer up here because my wife teaches high school and I do this.

Speaker 20 And

Speaker 40 more and more often we have been coming during the colder months, during the darker months, where it is more appropriate for my rehearsal of death.

Speaker 39 And I enjoy it tremendously.

Speaker 21 But it is hard. I mean,

Speaker 24 you know, while the climate change is causing the winters to veer back and forth between extremely cold and extremely weirdly mild and unnervingly warm, You know, it wasn't a couple of years ago that we were up here for a week when the temperature did not get above 15 degrees.

Speaker 74 And that is,

Speaker 39 that gets into your bones and gets really into your mind.

Speaker 56 When you, you know, when you're just like, the furnace is on all the way and you're wearing all your clothes.

Speaker 4 Like,

Speaker 4 yeah, I was definitely going to bed with several pairs of shoes on at that time.

Speaker 39 As you've noticed about Maine, not only do you have this

Speaker 66 mind-warping sort of traumatic climate that even in the best of times wants you to die.

Speaker 43 But also you have, and I think appropriately, a culture of people leaving each other alone about their choices.

Speaker 39 And I think that that is one of the things that makes Maine really very special because it reminds you particularly, I mean, Portland's a big city.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 15 But most of Maine, of course, is small communities that suffer through long, dark periods of time where everyone is just doing the best they can.

Speaker 39 And they have to just let each other be to some degree.

Speaker 58 And

Speaker 39 so it is not surprising to me that, Lauren, you're a native of Maine?

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 81 Yeah, it's not surprising to me that, well, wait a minute.

Speaker 11 Your parents are from Maine? Yes.

Speaker 32 Your grandparents are from Maine?

Speaker 56 Yes. Oh, so you are a native of Maine.

Speaker 33 I'm Technician.

Speaker 58 It's not surprising to me that Lauren has benefited from a generational genetic disfigurement

Speaker 10 that causes her not to think twice about wearing her garbage shoes into the bed.

Speaker 56 Because

Speaker 45 most of what we do in Maine is done under the cover of cold winter darkness.

Speaker 34 Who the hell is watching?

Speaker 60 Now you are here to peer in with your civilized Irish eyes.

Speaker 100 That are not smiling.

Speaker 56 What's that?

Speaker 68 That are not smiling.

Speaker 33 That are not smiling. That's right.

Speaker 77 When Irish eyes are glaring

Speaker 53 with disgusting contempt.

Speaker 70 Now most people who enter into a marriage and someone sees them, you know, because that's what is interesting about marriage, right, is you're joining the most intimate parts of your lives.

Speaker 21 You're letting your spouse see parts of you physically and emotionally and psychologically that you would never let the rest of the world see.

Speaker 63 And a lot of the time, what happens when couples join and they see themselves through the lens of their partner's Irish eyes, for example, they're like, oh, right, I can't be wearing shoes to bed.

Speaker 41 That's terrible, right?

Speaker 17 But Lauren is just too main to do that.

Speaker 60 It's like, I don't understand.

Speaker 18 You see what I'm doing, right?

Speaker 83 This is on purpose.

Speaker 100 So,

Speaker 79 this is all to say, Lauren, I sympathize with you.

Speaker 85 I admire your spirit.

Speaker 58 Honestly,

Speaker 21 as an aspirational non-native Maine resident, I really should just leave you alone and let you pull down the window shade and just let you do whatever you're going to do in your house.

Speaker 67 But you do share your house with James.

Speaker 39 And it is undeniable that

Speaker 45 wearing your house shoes, which are necessary in Maine, right?

Speaker 85 Because out there there's all kinds of raccoon poop and things to walk through.

Speaker 46 It's messy out there, particularly mud season and everything else.

Speaker 39 You do need a pair of house shoes if you're not just going to wear socks or bare feet in the house, right?

Speaker 9 So it's good that you have those house shoes, but those house shoes have to be house shoes.

Speaker 64 And that means you cannot go outside in them.

Speaker 47 I know, I do it too.

Speaker 40 I do it all the time.

Speaker 11 I wear my slippers outside.

Speaker 41 I know you all do too.

Speaker 40 But

Speaker 63 for the

Speaker 40 purposes of people listening to this podcast elsewhere, we have to pretend to be civilized.

Speaker 25 You understand?

Speaker 98 I definitely wear my slippers and bring out the garbage when you're.

Speaker 33 For sure, I do.

Speaker 17 For sure, I do.

Speaker 34 I do it, but I don't wear them in bed.

Speaker 4 I have no doubt.

Speaker 62 I have no doubt that if you were to go to your favorite Maine-based mandatory retailer,

Speaker 36 Vermont Country Store.

Speaker 104 Vermont Country Store sells old shampoos from the 70s.

Speaker 58 In my own house in Maine, I have a couple of bottles of gee your hair smells terrific that I got.

Speaker 6 I bet if you were to go to that retailer, not the Vermont country store, they'd probably have not one, not two, but maybe five different varieties of shoes that may be even specifically to be worn in bed.

Speaker 67 Different slippers for your bed.

Speaker 41 Sorry, James.

Speaker 86 Her feet are cold.

Speaker 81 You're a human furnace.

Speaker 62 You're a throbbing, flaming heart of passion,

Speaker 53 just like all Irishmen.

Speaker 26 You're a burning chunk of bog moss.

Speaker 33 Just get some bed shoes.

Speaker 33 That's what we all deserve in life.

Speaker 53 Some decent bed shoes.

Speaker 19 You already have, like, you're already keeping in your house not one, but two pairs of these shearling slippers.

Speaker 65 Throw those garbage ones away and replace them with bed shoes.

Speaker 58 This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 83 Judge Sean Hodgman rules, that is all.

Speaker 29 Lauren and James, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 78 Hello, Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 75 The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Speaker 16 Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

Speaker 18 If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Speaker 11 Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

Speaker 109 The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Speaker 110 Let me ask you a question. Did you know that most of the dishes served at Tom Clicchio's craft restaurant are made in, made in pots and pans? It's true.
The brace short ribs, made in, made in.

Speaker 110 The Rohan Duck Riders of Rohan, made in, made in. That heritage pork chop that you love so much, you got it.
It was made in, made in.

Speaker 109 But made in isn't just for professional chefs. It's for home cooks, too.
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Speaker 109 It's the stuff that professional chefs use, but because it is sold directly to you, it's a lot more affordable than some of the other high-end brands. We're both big fans of the carbon steel.

Speaker 109 I have a little carbon steel skillet. that my mother-in-law loves to use because cast iron is too heavy for her, but she wants that non-stick.

Speaker 109 And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

Speaker 109 She can use it to braise if she wants to use it to braise.

Speaker 109 It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

Speaker 110 And it will last a long time. And whether it's

Speaker 110 griddles or pots and pans or knives or glassware or tableware.

Speaker 110 I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be getting back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

Speaker 110 All of it is incredibly solid, beautiful, functional, and as you point out, a lot more affordable because they sell it directly to you.

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Speaker 110 For full details, visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com.
Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Speaker 109 The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Speaker 110 Jesse, the reviews are in.

Speaker 110 My new super soft hoodie from Quince that I got at the beginning of the summer is indeed super soft. People cannot stop touching me and going, that is a soft sweatshirt.
And I agree with them.

Speaker 110 And it goes so well with my Quince overshirts that I'm wearing right now, my beautiful cotton PK overshirts and all the other stuff that I've gotten from Quince.

Speaker 110 Why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to? Quince has the good stuff.

Speaker 110 High-quality fabrics, classic fits, lightweight layers for warm weather, and increasingly chilling leather, all at prices that make sense.

Speaker 110 Everything I've ordered from Quince has been nothing but solid, and I will go back there again and buy that stuff with my own money.

Speaker 109 John, you know what I got from Quince? I got this beautiful linen double flap pocket shirt that's sort of like an adventure shirt. And I also got a merino wool polo shirt.

Speaker 109 Oh, it's like a it's like a mid-gray, looks good underneath anything, perfect for traveling. Because with merino wool, it like, it basically rejects your stink.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 109 It's a stink-rejecting technology, John.

Speaker 110 It says, get thee behind me, stink.

Speaker 109 Yeah, exactly. And, you know, honestly, even if I do need to wash it, I can just wear it in the shower when I'm traveling and then

Speaker 109 roll it in a towel and it's pretty much ready to go.

Speaker 109 Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes.

Speaker 110 Quince has wonderful clothes for women, men, kids, babies. They have travel stuff.
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Speaker 110 Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com/slash JJHO for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Speaker 110 That's q u i n c e dot com slash j j h o to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash jjo.

Speaker 108 You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years. And

Speaker 108 maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

Speaker 111 But no, no, you would be wrong. We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 108 You don't even really know how crypto works.

Speaker 27 The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

Speaker 108 We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

Speaker 89 And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

Speaker 108 So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 103 All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show, Let's Learn Everything. So let's do a quick progress check.
Have we learned about quantum physics?

Speaker 52 Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 103 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Speaker 32 Episode 64.

Speaker 103 So, how close are we to learning everything? Bad news. We still haven't learned everything yet.

Speaker 95 Oh, we're ruined.

Speaker 103 No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.

Speaker 66 Woo!

Speaker 55 I'm Dr.

Speaker 89 Ella Hubber.

Speaker 71 I'm regular Tom Lum.

Speaker 103 I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

Speaker 103 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Speaker 75 Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 28 John, that was a lot of fun. I think we should have some more music.

Speaker 33 Yeah, can't we hear some more music, please, from Joel Mann, Chris Coolin and Steve Orlofsky, the night and day trio.

Speaker 77 We'll talk to them a little bit after they play another song for you.

Speaker 93 But it looks like you guys are ready to go.

Speaker 53 All right, let's hear some jazz, Kastine style.

Speaker 53 If you

Speaker 53 have a plan, come on west

Speaker 53 Check the highway, travel my way, cause it's the best.

Speaker 53 Get your kicks on Route 66

Speaker 53 Cause it was

Speaker 53 from Chicago to Denver Lake

Speaker 53 It's more than 2,000 miles it's all the way

Speaker 53 Get your kicks on Route 66

Speaker 53 Cause it won't steal some way

Speaker 53 to Missouri

Speaker 86 Oh my city looks so darn pretty to see

Speaker 86 Gala, New Mexico

Speaker 86 Backstop, Arizona, don't forget Reno King, Bosto, San Bernardino. Won't you

Speaker 86 get into the town we do

Speaker 86 If you make

Speaker 86 the California agent

Speaker 86 get your kicks on Route 166

Speaker 86 Why's Juicy of Louis,

Speaker 86 John Missouri.

Speaker 86 Oklahoma City looks so darn pretty and sick.

Speaker 86 Gallup, New Mexico.

Speaker 86 Last time Arizona, don't forget Puerto Rico. King in Boston San

Speaker 86 Francisco.

Speaker 86 Get him to the top of the tip.

Speaker 86 If you make

Speaker 86 the casting trip,

Speaker 86 Get your kicks on Route 166

Speaker 86 Get your kicks on Route 166

Speaker 86 Get your kicks on Route 166

Speaker 86 Let's hear it for the night and day jazz trio

Speaker 29 That's Steve Orlovsky on wins, Chris Pullen on guitar, and our own guest producer, Joel Mann, on Laying Down the Bass.

Speaker 100 So

Speaker 78 I was so excited when I saw Mr.

Speaker 41 O when I came in because I'm a huge fan of the GSA jazz band.

Speaker 18 They play every summer, or every Labor Day, I should say, at the Blue Hill Fair.

Speaker 39 It's such a delight. They're such a great band.

Speaker 83 And I saw them two summers ago.

Speaker 39 And I really enjoyed it.

Speaker 12 And the energy that you bring leading the band is so great.

Speaker 39 And then this summer I promised everyone who follows me on Instagram that I would live Instagram the whole show.

Speaker 39 And so during the Blue Hill Fair in the afternoon at the grandstand, I stood on the racetrack down from the stands to get close to them.

Speaker 12 And I was filming them the entire time.

Speaker 43 And after a period of time, I was beginning to feel like a weird creep.

Speaker 60 Because I didn't ask anyone if I could do this.

Speaker 93 The band is all teenagers.

Speaker 58 You know, it's like weird that this mustache man

Speaker 86 is like filming the whole thing, putting it on Instagram live right now.

Speaker 39 And at one point,

Speaker 39 I sense out of the corner of my eye a main state trooper walking towards me.

Speaker 85 And

Speaker 44 I'm like, I don't want to get in trouble.

Speaker 40 Just keep walking, dude. Just keep walking.

Speaker 44 I'm just trying to film this.

Speaker 85 And he walks, and then he doesn't keep walking.

Speaker 9 He stops.

Speaker 83 And he stops and he stands right here.

Speaker 43 I'm like, oh, God, here I go.

Speaker 47 Gotta go to jail. And I turn to him.

Speaker 101 I go, yes?

Speaker 39 And he goes, oh, can I get by?

Speaker 65 He didn't want to walk in front of my camera.

Speaker 101 But Main State Trooper goes.

Speaker 68 It was a greatest.

Speaker 58 And Joel, of course, W-E-R-U, spins the platters and moves the knobs and dials around and teaches me about psychedelic rock. Joe Bird and the Field Hippies is your band, right?

Speaker 12 I mean, that's your fave.

Speaker 45 That's right.

Speaker 4 That's right. My favorite.

Speaker 93 Any other wackadoo band names you need me to know about, Joel?

Speaker 84 No. All right.

Speaker 60 Joel, you may notice, is somewhat taciturn.

Speaker 10 He's famous for it on the podcast. We're going to move into a new segment here called Swift Justice, where we hear three cases in quick succession.

Speaker 10 Joel, would you mind standing around to lob a syllable from time to time into the conversation?

Speaker 55 Okay. All right.

Speaker 4 Another round of applause for the nine day trio.

Speaker 79 Jesse Thorne, will you please bring the first litigants out?

Speaker 34 Please welcome to the stage Jacinda and Lewis.

Speaker 58 Jacinda and Lewis. Well

Speaker 58 Jacinda and Lewis, everybody.

Speaker 65 That was their walk-on music.

Speaker 69 Fantastic.

Speaker 32 Thank you.

Speaker 33 So who?

Speaker 26 This isn't your show, guys.

Speaker 24 Easy there, Joel.

Speaker 60 So, who here seeks justice before this court?

Speaker 39 And you are Jacinda? Yes.

Speaker 21 And what is the nature of your dispute?

Speaker 112 Okay, the nature of the dispute is Lewis and I have our own shows on

Speaker 112 TV. Right.

Speaker 112 Our shows, and then movies we watch together. Right.
And the dispute is Lewis just takes a really long time.

Speaker 64 This is all we have in life anymore, right?

Speaker 15 I know.

Speaker 112 Our shows.

Speaker 53 In Maine.

Speaker 60 Our shows in Maine in the dark.

Speaker 112 I was your only Brooklyn woo because I'm from Brooklyn.

Speaker 94 Oh, you are?

Speaker 82 Where are you from in Brooklyn? Bay Ridge. Bay Ridge.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 51 How did you come to be here?

Speaker 112 I actually, funny, Lauren, I moved to Maine to farm sheep.

Speaker 66 Really?

Speaker 112 Yes, right in Brunswick.

Speaker 62 In Brunswick, you farm sheep in Brunswick?

Speaker 112 And I'm wearing a pair of wool socks I knitted. My feet don't sweat.

Speaker 10 Take off your shoes.

Speaker 87 Are you going to touch your feet? I just want to see these feet.

Speaker 5 No, I'm not going to touch your feet.

Speaker 10 I just want to see your socks.

Speaker 62 Now I'm going to touch your feet.

Speaker 101 Want me to touch your feet too, sir?

Speaker 10 No, thank you. All right.

Speaker 26 What's your verdict, John?

Speaker 66 Wet or dry?

Speaker 10 Jacinda is on stage.

Speaker 85 She's not a performer by nature.

Speaker 41 She's under a certain amount of stress.

Speaker 58 So I'm just a little damp on the bottom.

Speaker 77 I mean, I wouldn't say sweaty, just naturally.

Speaker 60 Anyone's feet would feel the same way.

Speaker 58 I'm sure if Lewis let me feel his feet, they'd also be damp.

Speaker 10 Well, that's awesome. So you raise sheep for two years.

Speaker 74 Oh, and then you no longer do it.

Speaker 112 I full-time farmed for seven years.

Speaker 10 You full-time farmed in Brunswick for seven years?

Speaker 112 In New Jersey, England, Maine.

Speaker 90 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 41 And so, but now you don't do it anymore.

Speaker 112 No, I run my own garden design business.

Speaker 94 That's great.

Speaker 32 That's cool.

Speaker 112 It has an edible emphasis to it.

Speaker 21 An edible emphasis to it.

Speaker 9 So you can't eat those socks, though.

Speaker 81 Anyway, so you have your own, and what do you do here in Maine?

Speaker 113 I'm a real estate broker in Maine.

Speaker 15 A real estate broker in Maine.

Speaker 46 That must be

Speaker 1 difficult.

Speaker 113 It's busy and then it's dark and quiet.

Speaker 76 Right, exactly.

Speaker 72 So during the unbusy season, you have your shows to keep you warm.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 80 what are the shows that you have?

Speaker 41 You have individual shows and then shows together.

Speaker 21 So name one individual show each, and what's the together show?

Speaker 112 Well, I just started Downton Abbey.

Speaker 86 That's a great one.

Speaker 68 Classic.

Speaker 23 Gonna give you a little warning, though. Yes.

Speaker 58 You're gonna see a lot of dog butt in that down now.

Speaker 32 Dog butt?

Speaker 18 Every episode opens with a close-up of the butt of a dog walking on it.

Speaker 83 It gets a little tiresome after a while.

Speaker 58 I have to keep my eyes open.

Speaker 112 I haven't noticed yet.

Speaker 113 I think our together show is Game of Thrones, like many.

Speaker 90 Yes.

Speaker 105 What's your individual show?

Speaker 113 Always sunny in Philadelphia.

Speaker 58 Always sunny.

Speaker 68 Classic.

Speaker 10 Classic FX show. All right.

Speaker 83 And your together, sorry, go ahead.

Speaker 68 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 112 So our together show, yes, Game of Thrones. But the real nature of the dispute is I can be a binge watcher, as I feel like most people are in our streaming era.

Speaker 30 Yeah, you're young.

Speaker 87 Yeah. Yeah, I got you.

Speaker 112 And Lewis will watch 20 minutes of a show. and then shut it off.
Right. And then days later, maybe we'll finish it or not or ever.
And it's the same thing with movies.

Speaker 112 So we'll get like halfway through a riveting movie, and then it's like, okay, it's time to go to bed. I'm like,

Speaker 112 yeah. So almost seven years of this.

Speaker 18 Well, you know, but Lewis has to get up early to sling those houses.

Speaker 107 Yes.

Speaker 113 I think it's very appropriate to stop a movie partway through and circle back around to it.

Speaker 69 That's the point of streaming.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 26 That's the point of streaming.

Speaker 26 I've got an idea that'll entertain the, that'll revolutionize the entertainment industry, John. We'll stream movies directly into people's homes so they can stop them and then start them later.

Speaker 26 Unlike on every other home entertainment technology since broadcast television. VHS tapes, laser discs, DVDs, Blu-rays, et cetera.

Speaker 3 All of which could not be stopped and started later.

Speaker 58 Technological crankiness aside,

Speaker 39 movies were not made to be watched for a little bit, then stopped, then started over.

Speaker 39 I mean, so I won't agree with you that it's appropriate, but I will agree with you, as an older person who falls asleep very easily, it is sometimes totally inevitable.

Speaker 60 I mean, my version of binge watching is watching the same episode of Watchmen over and over again.

Speaker 23 Because even though there have only been four episodes, I don't remember which ones I watched.

Speaker 69 And therein lies part of the the problem.

Speaker 113 I won't fall asleep in front of a TV, but she will. And then she wakes up and asks what has happened for the last 20 minutes.
So

Speaker 113 perfect time to stop.

Speaker 33 Yeah, 20 minutes ago.

Speaker 67 So, right, so this sounds like a

Speaker 15 perfect marriage.

Speaker 39 You fall asleep in the middle of a Game of Thrones or whatever, and that's a good time, as Lewis says, to stop it and pick it up again like the next day, right?

Speaker 113 Turn the lights off slowly and slowly turn the volume down, and then just disappear for the night.

Speaker 77 You're almost literally describing the plot of the movie Gaslight.

Speaker 33 Like

Speaker 65 when you're watching a Game of Thrones

Speaker 20 and you're

Speaker 20 and you how does it happen that Jacinda will fall asleep?

Speaker 18 Do you notice that she's falling asleep and say, hey, should we shut it off and pick this up later?

Speaker 113 I just notice she's asleep and then slowly shut it off. I don't even ask.

Speaker 61 And then you just leave her sleeping there on the couch and go to bed by herself?

Speaker 113 She'll usually spring awake surprised and ask what happened.

Speaker 61 Oh, I see.

Speaker 4 Oh, the reason that you're doing the slow turn off keeps her asleep.

Speaker 65 Right, is because if you just turn it off, then Jacinda, you'll jump up and go, no, we're going to keep watching.

Speaker 107 Yes.

Speaker 112 Yes, like the addict I am.

Speaker 4 I see.

Speaker 112 Well, okay, so the real, real nature of the dispute is.

Speaker 33 Oh, right. Sorry.
The real, real nature.

Speaker 112 Is that now I started watching Rhythm and Flow. Anyone?

Speaker 55 Hey, ho.

Speaker 32 Anyone? Okay. You know,

Speaker 106 let the record reflect that Jacinda attempted to instigate a hip-hop call and response

Speaker 30 during a Maine humorist show in Portland.

Speaker 87 Where my ball is at, Portland, Maine.

Speaker 53 I'm just like,

Speaker 101 there's so many shows.

Speaker 13 I don't know that one. Okay.

Speaker 112 It's the rap version of American Idol, and it's amazing.

Speaker 38 It's a competition show.

Speaker 112 It's a competition show.

Speaker 112 So he came in and was like, oh, can this be our show? And all of a sudden, I was like, oh, no. This means we're going to finish it in six months.

Speaker 112 And so then I said, okay, it can be our show, but really, I watched it and then would re-watch it with him when he came home.

Speaker 113 Thank you.

Speaker 112 I mean, he knew knew I was doing it. He knew I was doing it.

Speaker 77 You weren't hiding the fact that you knew all of the outcomes.

Speaker 112 And I will say, I've been so loyal. I always, even with our shows, I don't do the whole watch it, rewind it.
I will wait until we're ready to sit down together and watch it. Right.

Speaker 112 But then I started watching the dark crystal. Puppets, anyone?

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 38 That's a Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 95 Hey!

Speaker 69 Where's my sexies at?

Speaker 33 And then he was.

Speaker 112 And then he was like, can this be our show? And I said, oh, this is starting to become a pattern. So.

Speaker 69 You're trying to take Jacinda's shows?

Speaker 112 Take my shows.

Speaker 113 I get very excited at the beginning, and I want to watch them all. And then maybe 30 minutes in, I get uncomfortable because the Skexies are abusing the other muffins.

Speaker 87 Sure.

Speaker 113 And I have to turn it off.

Speaker 93 I had to turn it off because I didn't believe the Gelflings would ever be the Skexis and Forcers.

Speaker 53 That's crazy.

Speaker 58 You watch the Dark Crystal?

Speaker 76 Yeah, alright, good.

Speaker 38 Hey, Joel Mann, you watch The Dark Crystal?

Speaker 56 No. Okay.

Speaker 62 Joel, what are you watching these days?

Speaker 113 Shit's creek.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 58 Look, I don't know what to say.

Speaker 63 You're in your 30s or something, right?

Speaker 41 Yeah, this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life.

Speaker 57 Like,

Speaker 10 in your 20s, when you cared about impressing each other, you'd stay awake for the other person's thing.

Speaker 101 You'd be like, yeah, I'm invested.

Speaker 67 Let's do this together, baby, forever.

Speaker 57 But now,

Speaker 62 you know, it's the same deal.

Speaker 73 It's cold. It's dark in Maine.
You get tired.

Speaker 58 Everyone's wearing fleece.

Speaker 10 It's soporific.

Speaker 12 And you want to turn off the thing, and you want to keep the thing going.

Speaker 72 You want to have shows together.

Speaker 70 But you got to,

Speaker 98 you just know you're just going to, it's all going to be compromised for the rest of your lives.

Speaker 94 I do want to add this.

Speaker 32 What do you want me to rule?

Speaker 87 I don't understand.

Speaker 77 My rule is...

Speaker 60 Because all of these, all of these, this is like a palimpsest of a million Judge John Hodgman disputes that we've had.

Speaker 18 And

Speaker 39 I don't see what the solution is.

Speaker 112 The rule for me is, it was actually two things. It was when we start a movie, we finish it like

Speaker 107 that night.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Or at least maybe like a cap, like five days or something. Like we can't go beyond that.

Speaker 85 A five-day cap on finishing a movie?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 64 What movie are you working on now?

Speaker 112 i think seven had to take a take a pause yeah we started watching seven because it was around halloween

Speaker 36 graphic it's one of those movies you really want to live with for a while

Speaker 113 i like to reflect on it for a little while

Speaker 112 and then also that if i start watching a show

Speaker 112 if he wants to come in on it he can't

Speaker 38 If he wants to come in on the show.

Speaker 112 Like a show

Speaker 112 I've claimed, like the dark crystal. So as soon as he claimed it, I was pumping through.
I was three episodes in. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm loving this.
We haven't watched it in a month.

Speaker 65 Because you're waiting on him. Yeah.

Speaker 55 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 44 You know what? It's fine.

Speaker 73 It's mine.

Speaker 41 And what do you want, Lewis?

Speaker 12 You want to be able to claim any show you want and then set your own time scale?

Speaker 113 I should have claimed to three shows, and the rest can be hers. And I get to break them up how my sleep patterns see fit.

Speaker 65 Three shows over what period of time? Seven years?

Speaker 105 Because it's going to take you that long to finish anything.

Speaker 112 We started watching Stranger Things in July, and we were on the last episode.

Speaker 32 I was savoring it.

Speaker 25 Season which?

Speaker 58 Season one?

Speaker 112 Season three.

Speaker 90 Oh, okay. Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 113 It's like a recent. You don't eat it all at once.
You're savoring it.

Speaker 15 You nibble it.

Speaker 21 Yeah, but maybe that's your show. Maybe that's not the show you watch together.

Speaker 113 We should have some.

Speaker 113 And then I should step in on her shows and claim it.

Speaker 41 And then

Speaker 32 you can nibble one.

Speaker 33 Here's the deal.

Speaker 112 Lewis grew up in Maine. Yes.

Speaker 90 Where in Maine?

Speaker 113 Up the coast in Camden, pretty close to that witch shop. I was there this weekend.

Speaker 92 Yeah, fantastic.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Does Camden have its own witch shop?

Speaker 41 Oh, God, no.

Speaker 23 No.

Speaker 112 It has a psychic shop, though, all of a sudden right on Main Street.

Speaker 56 That's pretty good.

Speaker 34 Somewhere for the witches.

Speaker 102 Exactly.

Speaker 112 He was only allowed 30 minutes a week of an educational show.

Speaker 113 There's a deep history there when I watched it.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 68 So I feel like.

Speaker 60 I would think since you were only allowed 30, what did you watch in your 30 minutes of education?

Speaker 113 Reading Rainbow.

Speaker 32 Reading Shortbury.

Speaker 69 Or why not? That's the greatest.

Speaker 32 That's a great show.

Speaker 26 Yeah. Past Judge John Hodgman guest LeVar Burton.

Speaker 86 That's right.

Speaker 3 You ever watch The Voyage of the Mimi with child Ben Affleck? Yes.

Speaker 2 That show's dope, right?

Speaker 113 Rarely do people remember that movie.

Speaker 3 They got the water by making a tent out of a tarpaulin and collecting the condensation, John.

Speaker 26 That's how I get my water to this day.

Speaker 95 Get a fling!

Speaker 58 That's the Chamberlain.

Speaker 60 Who can name all the skexies?

Speaker 47 Don't do it.

Speaker 20 So I would think that someone who had been forced to limit your television watching 30 minutes per day, now in this era of overabundance of programming, you'd want to be mainlining as much as possible.

Speaker 26 John, this is the the first of three cases in 10 minutes.

Speaker 78 Is this the first one?

Speaker 33 Yeah. Oh, okay, never mind.

Speaker 67 If you fall asleep, it's over, you go to bed.

Speaker 86 That's ruling one.

Speaker 39 Ruling two is, if you can't watch a movie in one sitting, you don't deserve to watch movies. All right.

Speaker 101 Number three is, you're welcome to watch whatever show each other claims, but if you claim the show, you watch it at your own pace, and the other person just has to deal with it.

Speaker 63 This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 35 Jacinda and Lewis, please welcome Lorian and Steve.

Speaker 86 Lorian

Speaker 58 and Steve.

Speaker 42 Lorian, you have like a middle-earthy sounding name.

Speaker 16 It is. It's from Lord of the Rings.

Speaker 53 It is, yeah.

Speaker 32 That's awesome.

Speaker 62 Your parents gave you that name or did you choose it for yourself?

Speaker 102 My dad said it was the only book he ever read, so he wanted to choose a name from it. So I'm just glad I'm not Galadriel.

Speaker 66 Galadriel's pretty hot. There's some really, like, you could be Balron.

Speaker 97 That would be no good.

Speaker 78 Steve, what fantasy novel is your name from?

Speaker 76 Not sure.

Speaker 53 Silver Hawk, The Trials of Steve, book one.

Speaker 58 What is the nature of your dispute and who's not going to be a son of a story?

Speaker 91 You have crossed me for the last time, Steve.

Speaker 60 Who comes to my court to seek justice?

Speaker 9 I do. And Lorian, what is the justice you seek?

Speaker 102 So we have one of those standard issue cars that most people in Maine have.

Speaker 94 Sure.

Speaker 23 And an LLB in Edition Subaru.

Speaker 90 Close.

Speaker 105 What kind of Subaru do you have?

Speaker 102 A Forrester.

Speaker 30 Forrester?

Speaker 14 People are applauding.

Speaker 79 Is there like beef between Forrester people and Outback people?

Speaker 95 Yes.

Speaker 32 Really?

Speaker 33 Someone was like, yes.

Speaker 86 Who here is Team Outback?

Speaker 79 Who here is Team Forester?

Speaker 26 Anybody out there still rocking a legacy?

Speaker 60 You know, I always wanted one of the Subaru brats.

Speaker 106 Oh, I'd love a Subaru Brat. That would be so cool, those little tiny trucks.

Speaker 53 The little teeny, tiny trucks.

Speaker 23 Joel Mann, do you know what a Subaru brat is?

Speaker 24 Yes. Right, thank thank you.

Speaker 93 Do you ever have one?

Speaker 84 No.

Speaker 39 Do you drive a Subaru?

Speaker 18 What do you drive?

Speaker 34 Kia.

Speaker 31 Folks, we have a new ringtone.

Speaker 53 All right. Well, you're still here.

Speaker 33 Sorry.

Speaker 18 Lauren, so Laurie, you have a Forester, which is obviously the best. Right.

Speaker 102 And so one of the features of our particular Forester is that it has heated seats. Sure.

Speaker 102 Which in Maine of course is a useful tool, but we played it.

Speaker 93 If you want to feel like you pooped yourself.

Speaker 102 So we play a game.

Speaker 60 I'm just concerned because I'm driving and obviously conditions are bad.

Speaker 58 I want to be able to concentrate, so I need to feel as though I'm driving around in a pool of my own poop.

Speaker 23 Let me turn on the seat warmer.

Speaker 102 Well, it's kind of part of the game is that we try to trick the other person and turn their seat warmer on when they're not looking.

Speaker 53 Oh, sneaky!

Speaker 19 Yeah. So you try to get the other person's seat warmer on without their looking.

Speaker 35 Correct. Right.

Speaker 33 That's awesome.

Speaker 102 Thank you.

Speaker 85 My son used to do that to me all the time.

Speaker 102 So the dispute is over the rules of the...

Speaker 4 I drive a Volkswagen.

Speaker 30 Whatever.

Speaker 73 It's fine.

Speaker 91 The rules are...

Speaker 102 Well, that's what we need your help with

Speaker 102 because

Speaker 102 my husband was driving the car one time without me in it, and he knew I'd be the next one to drive it. And so he left the seat warmer on when he left the car,

Speaker 102 knowing that when I got in and turned the car on, it would get me.

Speaker 83 It would explode.

Speaker 32 No, sorry.

Speaker 102 Like about 10 minutes after driving it, it would get me, right?

Speaker 102 And so I think that was cheating because

Speaker 102 part of the game.

Speaker 34 You said that's a sneaky cheat?

Speaker 102 Because the idea wasn't in the car when he put it on.

Speaker 79 So what do you, Steve?

Speaker 27 So you think this whole game is like basically close-up magic-based.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 62 It has to, you can't leave, your point of view is, the rule should be you can't just leave it on.

Speaker 39 You've got to sneak that heat while the other person is in the car.

Speaker 102 That both players have to be in the car.

Speaker 8 There's got to be a measure of sleight of hand and dare I say distraction.

Speaker 68 This sounds safe.

Speaker 33 Sure.

Speaker 105 What's Steve?

Speaker 72 What's the best, aside from this disputed one, what's the best sneak heat gotcha you ever got?

Speaker 81 What's your technique? Are you driving?

Speaker 81 Yeah, like on the the way down here,

Speaker 76 it was...

Speaker 104 Yeah, this is a perfect night

Speaker 33 to be playing distracting games in the car.

Speaker 68 It's got 3 o'clock in the afternoon, freezing rain.

Speaker 66 I was changing the radio while driving.

Speaker 94 Right.

Speaker 76 Just moved over and slowly.

Speaker 64 But how did you know that you, how did you pick that moment?

Speaker 43 Did you notice that Lorienne was looking out the window at the utter darkness or something?

Speaker 21 I just figured she wasn't paying attention.

Speaker 43 Did it work?

Speaker 72 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 76 Yeah, that's a good guess.

Speaker 35 Who's better at it?

Speaker 102 I'd say we're about equal.

Speaker 67 I don't know.

Speaker 100 We've been playing it for years.

Speaker 58 Are you keeping score?

Speaker 102 Not really. Then, what's the

Speaker 102 for the moment? The gotcha moment.

Speaker 75 Are you married?

Speaker 83 Yes.

Speaker 91 And you're not keeping score?

Speaker 34 How will you know who's winning the marriage?

Speaker 92 She is.

Speaker 27 Steve, you're cool.

Speaker 82 So basically, you would like me to invalidate this

Speaker 39 absentee gotcha.

Speaker 102 Yeah, and make it a rule for the game that both players have to be in the car.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I think I'm going to rule that.

Speaker 73 And here's why.

Speaker 12 Because anyone can pull that kind of amateur sh ⁇ , Steve.

Speaker 74 However, I will say, because it's a cheap get, because anyone can do it at any time.

Speaker 21 And now, you know, she's alerted.

Speaker 98 It will never work again.

Speaker 47 You're going to check it every time you go into the, you know, you get into the car.

Speaker 15 That is now no longer a good get, but I'm going to allow you one point for it because you did it first.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 9 You changed the game.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 74 But now you can't, and you get, and you're entitled to one reprisal if you can try it that way.

Speaker 102 His car doesn't have heated seats.

Speaker 8 Well, but I mean, you could what?

Speaker 26 Show some creativity. Yeah.

Speaker 102 He's a bike commuter, so I'd have to put like a hot water bottle on his seat or something.

Speaker 62 No, but the whole point is you're you're driving together, right?

Speaker 81 So you're the driver, right?

Speaker 17 And you're Subaru Forrester.

Speaker 64 So you, you know, next time you park the car, bump up his seat, and then when you get in the car together, but now I just had to spoil it for you.

Speaker 65 I mean, maybe you don't deserve to play Steve.

Speaker 3 You're not exactly playing three-dimensional chess here.

Speaker 19 What I'm saying is, it's a good get for Steve.

Speaker 82 You get one get like that if you can get it, but that stands for one point.

Speaker 25 And from now on, you keep score.

Speaker 60 And you keep us posted as to who's winning every month throughout the winter.

Speaker 28 Lorian and Steve, please welcome Alicia and Mike.

Speaker 65 All right, Alexa and Meek, which one of you...

Speaker 59 I'm sorry.

Speaker 97 Good enough for me.

Speaker 60 Which of you seeks justice in this court?

Speaker 79 I do.

Speaker 22 And Alicia, I presume.

Speaker 39 And what is the justice you seek?

Speaker 96 So we've had a long-standing dispute over, it's a sweet sugar pie with nuts in it. I pronounce it a pecan pie.

Speaker 96 And Mike says pecan.

Speaker 56 It's a pecan pie.

Speaker 75 I can feel the mob getting restless.

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 96 And I'm originally from Kansas, and so it's like pecan, like it's just pecan.

Speaker 58 In Kansas, everyone says pecan.

Speaker 84 Yeah. Pecan.
Pecan.

Speaker 83 I'm originally from Central Mass, where we say pecan.

Speaker 35 Right.

Speaker 38 Where in Central Mass are you from?

Speaker 35 Where?

Speaker 58 That's what I'm asking.

Speaker 61 Where in Central Mass are you from?

Speaker 88 Where?

Speaker 25 Third base.

Speaker 4 For those of you who have never left the state of Maine,

Speaker 39 there is a town in Massachusetts called WHERE.

Speaker 72 W-A-R. Actually,

Speaker 72 I should have done this.

Speaker 65 There's a town in Massachusetts called WHERE.

Speaker 72 It's spelled W-O-R-C-E-S-T-E-R.

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 62 And you are not Vayners. You have driven here from Massachusetts to be here, right?

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Well, thank you very much for taking your lives in your hands.

Speaker 96 It was a convenient part of our vacation.

Speaker 81 And your vacation is to go north in the winter?

Speaker 48 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 67 And are you celebrating?

Speaker 31 Seeking slush?

Speaker 58 And are you celebrating something?

Speaker 96 Yeah, so we met on this day in 2012.

Speaker 59 Oh, wonderful.

Speaker 83 Yeah, it's our meativersary.

Speaker 4 Your meativersary.

Speaker 23 Yeah. Where did you meet?

Speaker 96 Well, on the internet, technically.

Speaker 35 Oh.

Speaker 83 I usually like to tell people it was at Jurassic Park, but

Speaker 23 that's not true.

Speaker 33 It's a more dramatic screen.

Speaker 34 Wait, when you tell people that you met at Jurassic Park, not at a screening of the film Jurassic Park, but at the tropical island full of dinosaurs known as Jurassic Park?

Speaker 97 That we were on an amusement park ride, and then all of a sudden it broke down and we were there next to each other, but then the fences went down and

Speaker 97 some of the animals started to get loose. And oh wait, no, it was okay, Cupid.

Speaker 41 That's a good story, Mike.

Speaker 33 Thank you.

Speaker 20 That's why I married him.

Speaker 18 I mean, you understand that you're both adorable.

Speaker 43 I'd like to learn more about you, and I'm just

Speaker 16 teasing it out a little bit longer because this is a nothing burger case that we're going to decide very quickly.

Speaker 96 Well, and I don't want to change the way that Mike says pecan.

Speaker 96 It's totally fine to keep calling nuts pecan and pies generally.

Speaker 76 Right.

Speaker 96 Pecan pies. It's just specifically when I make a pecan pie, I would like it to be called a punkan pie.

Speaker 56 Oh.

Speaker 100 So

Speaker 96 I know it's nitpicky, but like

Speaker 96 there's a certain like sweetness to pecan versus pecan. Right.
And when I'm like sitting there gingerly flipping the pecans over so it's not the brain side, but like the pretty ridged side.

Speaker 53 Not the brain side.

Speaker 96 Like I want it to be called like it's a pecan pie.

Speaker 65 The pie that you make.

Speaker 90 Yeah, just specifically mine.

Speaker 58 So just out of sense of regionalism and understanding,

Speaker 40 I mean, mean, this is a true regionalism, whether you say pecan or pecan.

Speaker 22 Yes. And I'm like,

Speaker 39 who here would say pecan?

Speaker 10 And who here would say pecan?

Speaker 84 Wow.

Speaker 60 So outback people say pecan, and forester people say pecan.

Speaker 68 Got it.

Speaker 38 Maybe it's not as regional as I thought.

Speaker 70 But in any case,

Speaker 39 you are a person of Kansas, and you say pecan.

Speaker 47 Yes.

Speaker 83 And I have always said pecan because I am also from Massachusetts. But I think that the request is entirely appropriate.

Speaker 15 You can call any pecan pie a pecan pie, except for a pecan pie made by your bride, Alicia.

Speaker 39 So if she, it's just like if the, if the, I don't want to talk about the president.

Speaker 98 I was going to say if the president's on an airplane, it automatically becomes Air Force One.

Speaker 66 We're not going to talk about that.

Speaker 60 If the president is on a spaceship, it's automatically Colonial colonial one.

Speaker 71 So it is that at pie made by Alicia, using the non-brain-sided pecans, it is always going to be referred to by you, Mike, and all, a pecan pie.

Speaker 100 So say we all.

Speaker 26 Alicia and Mike.

Speaker 1 This week's episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, recorded live on stage in Portland, Maine, at the State Theater with our musical guests, the Night and Day Jazz Trio.

Speaker 1 This week's case was named by Jonathan Schleiman or possibly Schliemann.

Speaker 1 Recorded by our friend Jeff Bird, produced by the wonderful Hannah Smith, and edited by Jennifer Marmer. If we sound different, I am recording from home, and we will be for the coming weeks.

Speaker 1 We'll see for how long. Things might be a little different, but we've got a few episodes in the can.

Speaker 1 We've got some live shows still to come, and we'll record some docket shows from home as well.

Speaker 23 That's about all we need to say, right, John?

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's all we have to say. Thanks for letting us keep your untouched faces and well-scrubbed hands company during this time.

Speaker 8 Be well out there, everybody.

Speaker 27 Yeah, we're thinking of everybody out there.

Speaker 27 It's been tough for everybody, and

Speaker 1 so we're grateful you're spending some time with us.

Speaker 83 MaximumFun.org, Comedy and Culture, Artist Owned, Audience Supported.