SerenDIPity

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
We're in chambers this week, ready to clear the docket. With me, as always, is the one true king of podcasting, Judge John Hodgman.

This is not a dictatorship, Jesse.

Podcasting has no king.

There is a king, and he was appointed by the independent judiciary.

I am merely but a regent with a lifetime tenure,

ruling in the place of the boy child king of podcasting, who would be

Travis McElroy. Yeah, no doubt about that.
It's Travis. It's got to be.
Of all of the McElroys, Travis is the most princely and the most sort of like aristocratically erratic.

I bet Travis is wearing an ermine robe right now.

I bet, you know what?

If anyone in the world is going to be just randomly wearing an ermine robe right now, it'd be Travis McElroy.

And what's happening right now is Travis McElroy is listening to this podcast in his urban robe, going, how do they know?

We know because we love you, Trav.

Yes.

But you shall never be king.

Let's get to the justice. Here's something from Kit.

She says, Dear Judge Hodgman, my husband Jimmy thinks it's perfectly okay to deny our cats heated pet beds in the winter in the hopes that they will snuggle and dogpile with him while we sleep.

I think this is a monstrous abuse of their feline goodwill and that a truer test of their love is them choosing to snuggle instead of being forced to snuggle for survival.

He says, I'm denying the cats their one job. Who is right?

Feline goodwill, those words don't go together. Cat people are really something, John.

They really are. Do you know, this may change your opinion on the case, but I wrote to Kit after I got this and I said, well, how many cats do you have? And she said, only seven.

So

her husband, Jimmy, could be crushed by the pile. I know.
When she said he would be smothered in cats, I was like, well, that's hyperbole. No, it's true.

Seven cats, and believe me, not one of them has good will towards you.

They may have a deep connection to your bodily warmth and a certain tolerant fondness for you.

But Jimmy and Kit both know that if they had a choice between a human being and a heated bed, never mind seven of them to choose from, they're going to pick that heated bed.

I never heard of a heated bed for cats or dogs, Jesse. Is that something you have?

It is not something I have,

and it's not something that I believe myself to be denying my pets.

I don't think it is the divine right of pets to have a heated bed, though it might be nice for them. I mean, I can understand.
I think my wife might like a heated bed.

Have you ever slept with an electric blanket? I haven't ever. I mean, I've never lived somewhere cold.

Right.

Right. I grew up in New England, which, of course, is a region in the northeastern United States comprising five states and one Commonwealth.
And that's cold. Not for millions.
That's cold up there.

No.

That's cold up there.

And there were still some lingering electric blankets hanging around in some of the homes of my friends and family at a time when it was widely accepted that if you turned on an electric blanket, you would burn to death that night for sure.

There would be a short and you would just go up in flames.

And I don't even know if they still make them. I'm not going to look it up right now.
And if they do, they probably have got some better safety mechanisms.

But it was was like a New England regional legend that these things were

just folded up quilts of death.

And yet one time I stayed in a home in Maine in the dead of winter and I found one. And I decided I was an adult and I decided

I would take the risk and I plugged it in. And obviously I am not a ghost.
I'm speaking to you now. So it's not a spoiler to say I survived the night.

But once I got over a long period of fearing that I was going to burn up to a crisp it was the greatest feeling I've ever had in my life to be covered in that heated blanket maybe I slept better knowing that I was risking death I don't know

because you had like burned out pleasure centers in your brain yeah man you know it was like I was such a risk-averse person You would think that I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, but something about it just made me feel like, yeah, I'll stare into the abyss.

Every time you go to sleep, it's a little rehearsal for surrender to the sweet darkness of death anyway. Sleep is the cousin of death, as Nas once said.
That's right. Why not add some risk to it?

I think they're probably fine. I don't think, Kit, that your cats

would burn up in a seven-heated bed house fire.

But nor do I think they're going to perish if they don't have them. And frankly, I think you've given over as much of your life to these cats already.

Because I'm sure you've already, given the fact that you have seven cats, I presume you have gotten rid of all your furniture and just replaced your couch and side chairs with kitty condos anyway.

They're just bales of cardboard boxes. Yeah,

I don't love the picture of your husband Jimmy covered in seven cats, getting his quote-unquote snuggles. That's gross.

But

I think that

the crux of this, his secret feeling is: is, I don't want seven flammable cat beds in my house.

How many litter boxes do you think she has?

I bet she has to change them twice a day, and they still smell. That's probably true, Jesse, but I think that probably Jimmy and Kit and all seven of their cats who probably have

interesting names, and I'm a little mad she didn't tell them to me.

I bet they have a great time. A smelly time, but a great time.
I rule in Jimmy's favor.

What if they got a heated mattress pad?

That would turn their entire bed into a heated pet bed.

So the two of them could be sleeping in bed with all of the cats, and when the time comes, they'll all burn together. Yeah.
No one wants to survive the other.

I think this is a solution that I will not recommend for legal reasons,

but it's out there.

Here's something from Clay. I'd like to bring the case against my girlfriend, Stacy.
Almost every night after work, I cook us a meal from a meal kit. This is our after-work routine.

Stacy showers and plays video games while I cook dinner. Then we eat and watch a show together.

Domestically, we have a fairly even split of chores, and though I feel like I do a little more than my share sometimes, I'm sure she feels the same way.

If I'm cooking the food, plating the food, and washing the dishes, all of which are my responsibility, I'd like to have the judge order Stacy to set the table.

With our schedules, we end up eating dinner rather late.

I like that she enjoys playing video games, and I don't want to feel like a mom, but if she would set the table, it would help get the food to our mouths more quickly.

An extra bonus would be if she could help me do the chopping of vegetables, which she enjoys and I do not. Huh.
Dubious claim.

I know. She probably doesn't enjoy chopping of vegetables either.
Do you, Jesse? No one one enjoys chopping vegetables. I mean, like, you might enjoy chopping vegetables if your

life is empty or the alternative is terrible. I mean, I'm not saying that chopping vegetables is a horrible torture or anything.

And, you know, maybe some people might find it somewhat meditative or they may wish to stab or chop someone or something else and they're using the vegetables as a proxy.

What is the best vegetable to chop? What is the worst vegetable to chop?

Wow, that's a tough question, isn't it?

I hate carrots, and I don't like chopping up carrots. No, because they're going to roll around on you, and they're hard to chop in half so that they don't roll around on you.

Yeah, and also I don't want to eat them, so why am I doing it? You're wrong about that one. A roasted carrot is one of the greatest of vegetables.
Yeah, no, no, everyone likes what they like.

I just don't, I don't care for them. Well, you're mistaken.

What else? I like

some rosemary, olive oil,

garlic. Oh, you hit me with a recipe? Yeah, well, just for roasted carrots.
Give me Jesse Thorne's famous roasties.

Chop carrots, add some garlic, you know, smushed up or chopped up, some rosemary from the bush in my backyard, and then roast them up. And then yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Are you selling rosemary from your backyard on the podcast now? No, I sell it. Jesse Thorne's backyard rosemary? I sell it at the farmer's market in Maryland.

I sell it out of the back of my Volkswagen minibus.

That's either a reference to the past or the future. Yeah, hard to say.

We don't always record episodes in the same order that we release them. I take it back.
There is one carrots recipe that I like a lot, and that is my mom's.

My mom got it from her friend, Jackie Brown, not the movie, but my mom's friend.

And it's a recipe for horseradish carrots with a crumbled up triscuit topping.

And it is really good. And I'm going to post it on the Instagram, JudgeJohn JudgeJohn Hodgman Instagram, so that everyone can make it because it's good.
I like that.

But that is a real chore to make because you have to cut the carrots into little matchsticks and it's hard. I don't like it.
I would use a meal kit, I guess, for that.

Pre-cut carrots or whatever. You ever use a meal kit? I've used meal kits, but I don't think I've ever used one where they came with pre-cut vegetables.
I've always had to cut the vegetables.

Right, right, right. I guess I'm asking you that question just to drag this out a little bit because obviously Stacey's wrong.

Stacy, don't be lazy and play a video game when

Clay is making you dinner all night long. Just set the table.

Many hands make light work, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But

now back to the meal kit. I've never used one.
Do you like them? I like them pretty well. Yeah.

I use them primarily because I am a podcast host whose podcasts are sometimes sponsored by meal kit companies. And they send you meal kits so that you can talk about them having used them.
And

I've used several kinds. I've enjoyed them all.
Hi. The presenting sponsor for today's Judge John Hodgman is Jesse Thorne's Roasted Carrot Kit

featuring organically grown rosemary and some carrots I got at the grocery store.

Would you prepare one roasted carrot kit for one Judge John Hodgman listener? Would you be willing to do that? Yes, I would, yes. For an appropriately generous contribution during the max fund drive?

Absolutely. No doubt about it.
All right. And then I will commit with you to prepare one

John Hodgins' mother's friend Jackie Brown official horseradish carrot meal kit that I will ship to you for an equally appropriately generous and considerate donation during the Max Fun Drive.

And we'll figure out a way to do this. So stay tuned because Max Fun Drive is just around the corner.
But meanwhile, Stacy set the table.

Boy, that's two women in heterosexual romantic partnerships who are wrong in a row. This is a new record for Judge Shen Hodgman.
You know how I said I have a rosemary bush in my backyard? Yeah. I do.

It's gigantic, and it's actually a series of several. It's sort of a rosemary hedge.

And my dog, Coco, the elder of my two dogs, sometimes will go in the backyard and hide. Yeah.
And I like to pick her up and sort of sniffle my nose into her.

Because she has kind of fuzzy fur and she smells like popcorn.

Sometimes I pick her up and I can tell she's been in the backyard because she smells very strongly of rosemary.

It's like dog perfume. That's fantastic.
Well then and then I roast her up to get the caramelization.

I was going to say, that's actually an argument to get Coco a heated dog bed because you run her through the rosemary bush and then okay.

Okay. Let's take a quick break.
No, I'm not talking. I'm just saying, listen, let me know.
Let's take a break. I'm not talking about that.

I'm just saying it'll warm Coco up and she'll emanate rosemary and it'll be like doggy aromatherapy. That's all.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Aura Frames. Now, John, as we sit here and discuss this right now,

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Oh, let me say hi to her. No,

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All I have to do, if we take a cute new picture of, let's say, my dog Jr.,

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Honestly, I'm thinking about getting an aura frame right now just dedicated to pictures of your dogs. Yeah, I think that's a good call.

Mabel's in there looking all little, little and cute. You know how much you love sending photos to your friends and family, things that you see, people that you know, things that you do.

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I was just saying to my wife as a whole human being in my room, right?

Why have we not given your dad an aura frame? Guess what we're going to do? Sorry, I don't mean to spoil the secret, Brad. You're getting an aura.

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And support the show by mentioning us at checkout, Terms and Conditions Apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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I gave it a home. Yeah.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week.
Guy asks, my wife and I sleep on separate futons in the same room in order to maximize comfort and sleep quality.

On the days when I wake up first, I'm very careful not to make unnecessary noise, even though she's able to fall back to sleep easily after being woken up.

My wife, however, creates a lot of noise because she is, quote, in a hurry. unquote, and doesn't think it's a problem that I cannot fall back to sleep in most cases.

I'd like you to order my wife to turn the bedroom doorknob, close the door, then slowly turn the knob back in order to avoid the click heard the world, like any considerate human being would do.

What I'm reflecting upon is: what are the cases we had so far? First, we had Kit and Jimmy and their seven cats.

Then we had Clay and Stacy, who every night Clay cooks and Stacy plays video games, and then they watch a TV show together.

And now we have Guy and his wife sleeping on separate futons and obviously not being woken up by children. Like, how great it must be to not have children.

Like,

to just play a video game, eat dinner, and then watch TV, and then go to bed on your separate futons.

And the worst thing you have to worry about is that your spouse or partner might accidentally close the door a little too hard to stop you from your glorious lion.

Or that, you know, all you have to think about is whether to get heated beds for all your fur babies. I love my children.

At one point, I made a reference to couples who were childless, and someone wrote a very pointed email to me saying, I should say, child-free.

And I want you to know I love my children, and if you have children, I love your children too. I think children are great.
But a couple making a choice to not have children, whew,

what a life. What a life you must lead where this is the worst of your problems, specifically within the realm of sleep.
Sometimes my wife sends children into my room or our room to wake me up.

So I'll just be sound asleep and then I'll just hear, die, wake up, wake up.

I mean,

I say this as someone who, like, I love that. And

obviously, I'm someone who every 30 minutes or so thinks about the fact that my daughter is about to turn 18 and then I burst into tears.

Not that I don't love them. You know what I'm saying? But that's, that's, yeah.

Ugh, two futons, huh? All right. Let's talk about that now.

I mean, there's a precedent in the Judge Sean Hodgman law book that it is my recommendation that one should not confuse the wonderful intimacy of marriage with the very highly personal and singular necessity for sleep, especially since sleep is a solitary pursuit that often involves farting.

And that therefore,

married couples should sleep as far away from each other as possible. And if their circumstances in this world allow it,

the space and money can support it, that they should get a king bed at a minimum.

And at a maximum, the perfect sleeping arrangement is separate villas on an Italian island that are separated only by a reflecting pool.

or a marble walkway with a marble walkway down the middle so you can visit each other from time to time. Where is Guy writing from?

Guy is actually writing from Japan, which is, I presume, why he believes that in order to maximize comfort and sleep quality, he should sleep on a futon.

Yeah, that flies in the face of my learned experience of sleeping on futons, that it's very, very uncomfortable.

But perhaps it is cultural, or perhaps they got better futons over there than the ones I would get when I first lived in New York from like futon world or whatever.

But yeah, wow, he's really so they've really done it. They've really done

gone all the way. They are sleeping in separate beds.
Yeah.

I have to imagine that they're sleeping pretty well.

But still guy is complaining because his wife is not being as quiet. Maybe they need to move to separate rooms.
I don't know. Is it only that she's slamming the door on the way out?

The clicking of the handle of the door as the door closes is what's irrevocably awakening him?

Maybe he's like a super taster, except with hearing, super hearer.

Maybe he's just really committed to staying woke.

I think that, yeah, he's asking specifically for the ruling about turning the knob back slowly to avoid the click.

And if that's the only noise she's making that you have a problem with, then Guy, I think that you need to accept that even though you've separated your lives into separate futons and you don't have children, you are still living with another human being.

And that person is going to be emanating sounds and smells and words and has needs that are not yours, no matter what.

There's always going to be a certain amount of sacrifice that you're going to have to make.

If that one click is the only thing that is bothering you, then I think you're just going to have to deal with it.

If, on the other hand, she's making all kinds of noise and the only thing you want her to do is just save you from that one click, that's a very minimal and small thing to ask.

Only you know, guy, which is the truth. It's a puzzle box, it's a what you call it, a Schrödinger's cat box.

I don't know what's in there.

I don't know whether she's making a lot of noise and the click is the most reasonable thing to ask or whether she's not making any noise at all and the click is the only thing you're asking.

So, Guy, you have to choose what's going to happen here. Only you know whether the click heard around the world is the only noise or just the tip of the noisy iceberg.

If it's the only noise, deal with it. If it's the tip of the noisy iceberg, you're perfectly entitled to be free of one little noise that.

And I'm going to throw something on top of there. Yeah, please.

Get some earplugs, homie. Oh, snap.
Dude, get them plugs. Yeah, right? Plug it up.
You know, John, I'm a really good sleeper. Yeah.

But I am also very dependent on getting good sleep because interruptions in my sleep schedule are a migraine trigger for me. Right.

So my beloved and perfect wife is often the one, typically the one, who gets up with our kids when they wake up early. And

I found that that process, whether it was a, you know, a small child wandering into our room or Teresa getting up out of bed and, you know, doing what she needs to do to get out of our bedroom and so on and so forth, was waking me up.

And, you know, that is a threat to my productivity in a given day. And so I started using earplugs despite having, you know, I grew up in the city where things are very noisy.

I'm used to sleeping in a relatively noisy environment, but it was waking me up first thing in the morning and I started putting in earplugs. It is a dream.
It's great.

I'm sleeping like a baby, like a reverse baby, like a baby if babies slept well. Babies are the problem here

that I'm trying to address.

Yeah, Guy, I ordered you get some earbuds as well. And then take your futon and just put it in another room, in a totally isolated room with no windows.
That's another thing you could do.

Here's something from Craig. He says, Dear Judge John Hodgman, I recently made a salad for dinner and placed an assortment of salad dressings on the table, including a bottle of ranch.

Wait a minute, is this a question or just a brag?

Yeah.

Okay, it's a pretty cool brag.

Classic dressing brag.

When my daughter Hannah noticed the bottle of ranch, she inquired as to why I placed it on the table, and I replied that it was for the salad.

In a confused voice, she asked why anyone would put dip on their salad. It appears that she has grown up exclusively understanding ranch to be a dip.

I tried to explain that it originated as a salad dressing, but she would have nothing to do with this logic.

She pointed to the bottle label, which had a picture of assorted vegetables cut up as proof that it's meant to be a dip. Cut up vegetables again, twice in the podcast.
Ugh. Yeah.

Serendipity is what they they call that. Serendipity.
That's also how they refer to the film serendipity.

I seek a decision supporting my position that ranch is a salad dressing, sometimes used as a dip. Well, Jesse Thorne, first of all, thank you.

Because, you know, my book Medallion Status came out last year. The paperback's forthcoming, of course.
But after that, you know, I don't really have a big

project, like a book project or

a screenplay project or an acting project lined up at this moment.

The future is a little unsure for me. And luckily, I have the consistency of this podcast, this wonderful chance to talk to you and to talk to all my friends out there in the world.

This project is ongoing and wonderful, but I've been kind of having to think about what's my next thing to do at this stage of my career.

And now I realize it is to open an all-dip restaurant called Serendipity. Duh.

How has this not happened?

There's only one man who can answer that question, and I believe it is Nick Weiger from The Dough Boys,

who would not call it a restaurant. He would call it an all-dip concept.

You know, it's funny you should mention Nick Weiger because Nick opens his... his and his co-host Mike Mitchell's show, The Dough Boys, with a little historical essay about whatever

fast food or chain restaurant they were viewing that week. And I was going to pull a little Wager here and give you some history of another great business idea, which is ranch dressing.

But I'll do it in a Socratic form. Jesse? Yes.
Do you know who invented ranch dressing?

Francis Hidden Valley. No.
Good guess, though. Steve Henson, who was a contract plumber in Alaska.
I think he was working on the pipeline up there. And he had to make a lot of meals for his coworkers.

And he invented this mixture of buttermilk dressing and a particular collection of herbs and chives and stuff.

And then he and his wife bought a dude ranch and they called it Hidden Valley Ranch.

And he made the dressing for the restaurant in the dude ranch and people liked it so much that they started taking home jars of it. And then he and his wife started making up pre-mixed packages.

Hidden Valley Ranch dressing is actually based on a real ranch in an actual secret valley that no one can find.

That's not true. They could find it, but the ranch is gone now.
Do you know when ranch dressing first became nationally available in a shelf-stable bottle? I don't know. What would be your guess?

1975.

1983, which to our younger listeners sounds about like 1975, one million years ago. But I'm older than shelf-stable ranch dressing.
I know.

It's a relatively recent phenomenon and a huge one. And do you know who bought the Hidden Valley Ranch recipe and trademark from Steve Henson and his wife? Lex Luthor.

Almost as bad. Clorox.

While ranch dressing is now a generic term and other companies make ranch-style dressing, Hidden Valley Ranch dressing is owned and operated still by Clorox, and that makes it gross.

And I love ranch dressing. That feels gross to me.

And in 1992, ranch dressing became the most popular dressing in the United States of America by sales. Eclipsing, what would you guess, was the second most?

Or

what dressing did it unseat, I guess is what I'm asking?

Balsamic vinaigrette? Italian. I'm going Italian.
Italian, you win. Yes!

I know all of this because I went to the Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing website and learned a lot of information about Hidden Valley Ranch dressing. I felt like I should go to the source.

And one of the things that I learned

is that, first of all, they have a rewards program.

Yeah.

called Ranchology Rewards

Where you create an account and then you like things on their website and I don't think you get free dressing.

I think you just get internet badges and different status levels of ranch liking like you know when I told my dad that I was going to become a podcaster He asked why I wouldn't become something more practical like a ranchologist

the sheer sheerness of creating a

ranch dressing loyalty program is incredible, especially since you do not need to breed loyalty of ranch dressing. Everyone loves ranch dressing, it's more popular than Italian.

I also went to their FAQ and learned a very interesting thing.

Question: Can I use the dip mix for salad dressing and vice versa?

Answer: Yes.

It's all about what texture you're going for. Use the dip mix if you prefer a thicker dressing, or the pourable dressing as a dip if you prefer a smoother, creamier texture.

So, Craig,

it turns out

your daughter is correct.

They are not interchangeable. They are not the same thing.
Ranch dressing, according to Hidden Valley Ranch,

is smoother and more porable

than its dip form, which I presume uses more sour cream and mayonnaise to make it thicker.

Probably more xanthan gum.

You're right, Jesse. Probably more xanthan gum.

so i will i will not support your position that ranch is a salad dressing that is sometimes used as a dip hidden valley ranch sells it in different forms and personally if i were making a from scratch a homemade salad dressing or dip i would use less xanthan gum i don't use any xanthan gum but you know i would not want a salad dressing that has the texture of a dip and I would not want a dip that has the texture of a salad dressing.

And you can adjust the texture very simply by adding more liquid like milk milk or more a more gloppier dairy product like sour cream or mayonnaise.

What I want to say is though, congratulations to you for making that salad. That was something else.

You made a salad for dinner, and I love the fact that you put out a whole bunch of different dressings.

That's something that I don't see enough of at a home table, and it makes me feel like I'm in a buffet line at craft services on break from shooting a TV show, and I love it.

Speaking of breaks, let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll hear a case about supermarket singing, and we'll hear a letter from a listener.

Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. No sales calls.
Goodbye.

It's a multi-award-winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.

I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time.

She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old.
She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on.
Yes, the orthopaedic ones.

I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I? Right. Well, if you were looking for a podcast.
Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, Mother.

This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to maximum fun.org.
I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're We're clearing the docket this week.
Here is something from Bridget. Honorable Judge Hodgman, I bring the case against my life partner, Alex.

He says that when I sing along to the music playing at the supermarket, I seem old. I say, the music is good, so why wouldn't I sing along?

The supermarket wants me to have a pleasurable experience in their establishment, and shopping must be done.

I seek,

I like Bridget's flair. I seek a verdict in my favor and an injunction.

If the music is good at the supermarket, Alex should signal pleasure in some way, such as nodding his head to the music, occasional lip-syncing, or at least smiling in my direction when I am singing.

Wow, big ass. She closed with a big ask.

Yeah, we'll get to that in a second. I don't understand what Alex is mad about.
She doesn't seem old to me.

He should be so happy that he's life partnered with a quirky dreamer from an 80s movie montage who's singing and dancing in the grocery store. Yeah.
Congratulations on living the Zach Brath lifestyle.

I'm sorry that Bridget's flair and brio and all the other words that we use today cause you to scowl, you old Grinch Alex.

Jesse, you ever sing along in the grocery store?

Hey, grocery store, play Huey Lewis in the news sports.

Come on, I don't know. I probably would sing along in a grocery store.

I mean, honestly, like, who could hear, for example, the song You Can Call Me Owl by Paul Simon without going, ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-boom boom, boom, boom.

That's what it is to be human.

It's true. We have a small grocery store near our home that we go to, and it's called The Bad Wife.

Mr. and Mrs.
Lee, who used to be called 7th Avenue Grocery, they did a huge renovation

and they decided to give it a new name. And for various

cultural and probably language miscommunications, they later explained they wanted it to be called like the forgetful spouse.

You know, like this is a place where if you forgot one thing for dinner, you can go out really quickly and get it.

And you can be assured that that thing from the forgetful spouse is a very high quality because the place has the best produce in the neighborhood.

Best artichokes I've ever eaten come from that place and an incredible selection for such a small store. I love them.
And now I just take for granted that the name is the bad wife.

But I can also say they also have an incredible, I don't know what service they're using, Apple Music, Spotify, but they've got incredible playlists in there.

I heard the mountain goats in there one time.

Is there anything more park slope on earth than

being

in your local corner grocery and hearing the Mountain Goats. But it's not typical Park Slope because you have to know that within our block radius, we have five corner groceries.

That's more corner groceries than there are corners for a block.

And yet

none of them are playing the Mountain Goats. They're all just playing whatever's on the radio.
But they have killer playlists and the bad wife. And it is totally,

I do not think they are trying to be cool in any way. They're just this incredibly lovely awesome expert grocer older couple with interesting taste and interesting ideas.

Let's call it something different. Let's play some mountain goats.
Hail Satan. Anyway,

what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Bridget. Alex should not police Bridget's enjoyment of the world around her.

He doesn't have to enjoy the world around him, and clearly he doesn't.

But he should not police her enjoyment of the world around her. She may be acting in a way that is a little bit embarrassing to him.

But maybe he should, you know, learn from the manic pixie dream girl in his life to open up.

No. I equally think that Bridget should not be policing Alex's response to the music in the supermarket.
Like, she's literally telling him to smile more, and that's awful. Bridget,

you do your thing and dance to the music and sing along to the songs while getting your artichokes at the bad wife. And Alex, you do your thing and just scowl and barely tolerate it.

And it'll be fine.

Here's a letter from Stephanie.

This is in response to episode 439, Traffic Stopper, in which we heard from someone who wanted to know if she could bring her own hot sauce on her Peruvian vacation instead of consuming the local hot sauces.

Stephanie says: As a Peruvian American whose husband frequently likes to douse pollo alabraza, which is a chicken that is rotisserie roasted over charcoal, in ketchup and barbecue sauce,

I had a visceral reaction to hearing the writer's plans to travel with their own hot sauce in South America.

Beyond the Aji Verde and Aji Amarillo, Bailiff Thorne mentioned, there is a whole world of amazing hot sauces, salsas, and cremas. Rocoto is very popular, often used as a base to house sauces.

My mom uses this with some salt, pepper, lime, and sliced spring onion to make a topping for hard-boiled eggs.

It's so good. It even makes the chalkiest yolk palatable.
Most restaurants will have at least one house hot sauce to accompany foods. Peruvians like it hot.

Rokoto. Rokoto.
I'll have to give that a try.

Here's some advice for heat-seeking travelers. If you're a foreigner, the assumption will be made that you'd like your food mild.

If you reach for the house hot sauce pot or order a dish that is traditionally spicy, you'll get dramatic warnings.

Learn the phrase, me gusta picante, I like it spicy, and you'll have a much better experience of Peruvian cuisine.

If you ever have the chance to visit, absolutely try the mayonnaise. It's less thick than ours here, but made with lime juice, so it adds a sublime brightness to sandwiches and tuna salads.

Avoid the ketchup at all costs. It's basically candy and absolutely vile.

Here's a recipe on the Spruce Eats for crema de ricotto.

Ricotto pepper sauce. Looks great.

Yeah,

you know what I like, Jesse?

What's that? It's spicy. I like it spicy.
Meglusta picante. I'm something of a heat seeker.

That's Nick Weiger's catchphrase, John.

Yeah, maybe, you know what? I hate chopping up vegetables, but I feel like I want to chop up some of those ricott peppers and start making up some spices, some hot sauces. That would be fun, right?

Yeah, I think that sounds like a lot of fun. John, you know how our friend Nick Weiger from the Doughboys

really loves the minions from the movie Minions? Yeah.

Do you think I could make it my thing that I really love Josh Gadd's snowman from the movies Frozen and Frozen 2? Because I really do love Josh Gadd as the snowman in Frozen and Frozen 2.

Like, I think he's super funny and really great and my favorite part of those movies, which I like pretty well, but I just love Josh Gadd in them. I'm like, oh my God, this man is hilarious.

Could that be my thing? That could be your thing. That could be a recurring gag, a catchphrase, a motif, if you will.

And it'll keep listeners coming back again and again and again. Yeah, they'll talk about it with their friends.
You know how, well, on my favorite podcast, Jesse Thorne is always talking about

that great song from Frozen 2 where Josh Gadd

is facing the passage of time.

Exactly.

And I would just like to say,

since we're talking about the Doughboys, Doughboys,

visit my all-dip restaurant, Serendipity, review it.

Get me in that platinum plate club. Come on.

We got ranch dip. We got ricotta crema de ricota.
Me gusta picante.

We got the famous Peruvian watery limey mayonnaise.

We've got

Peruvian candy ketchup. It's all the dips you want.
You can dip, and you know, I'm going to chop up the vegetables myself, even though I hate it. And you just dip them and you eat them.

Wouldn't you go to an all-dip restaurant? Would you go to an all-hors d'oeuvre restaurant, Jesse? Come on, that'd be great.

You know, we once went out to dinner at a restaurant with a friend named Josh, and Josh just ordered three appetizers.

And it blew my mind because I immediately knew, having spent a long time trying to decide what I was going to eat eat at this restaurant, which had a very basic menu.

Fancy restaurant, but basic menu, and nothing that jumped out at me. I think I probably ended up ordering a cheeseburger or something.

But I immediately knew as soon as Josh said it, oh, yeah, that was right. That was the right thing to do.
Three appetizers, one as an appetizer and two as a main,

is exactly the right choice.

The best thing to have for dinner?

All dips.

Just dips.

Dip it, dip it, dip it. Just stick your chunky little fingers in there.

Is the docket clear? The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.
This week's episode, produced by Hannah Smith.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.
Make sure to hashtag your JudgeJohn Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H. O.

And check out the maximum fund subreddit, maximumfund.reddit.com to discuss this episode. Hey, a shout out to our producer in exile, Jennifer Marmer, who's on maternity leave.

We got to meet Jennifer's baby the other day.

And oh man, I'd like to put that baby in some dips and yum yum yum yum yum. That baby is not only very cute, but also I can tell, very intelligent.

Sorry, because some babies are dumb.

Not because Jennifer is intelligent.

No, I'm

saying there's some babies you look at them and they go, that's a beautiful baby, but not the smartest one I've met. They'll get there.
They'll get there. Don't worry about it, baby.

You got time to learn. But also, this baby, I've never said this about a baby before.
This baby, Jennifer Marmor's baby? Debonair.

Yeah. Debonair baby.
A real grace to this baby. Yeah.
Submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho or email hodgman at maximumfund.org. No case is too big or

too small. John, I got to go get some pollo ala braza.

I think I'm going to go to the restaurant in the neighborhood where I am right now called Pollo ala Braza, which is a really great restaurant to get a pollo ala braza.

You got to take it out, though, because the whole place smells like smoke.

I'd join you, Jesse, but I got to work on my dip menu, and also I live on a different coast. But I'm telling you, Jesse, I looked into that baby carrier.
I'm like, is that Jeremy Irons over there?

That baby's dipping air.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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