Traffic Stopper

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

With me this week, the tallest man in the NBA, Judge John Hodgman.

I'm actually 5'10 and a half, which is totally normal size, pretty much average.

But you know what, Jesse?

I must say I feel 30 feet tall because I've just gotten back from going in airplanes around the country presenting my book Medallion Status to various wonderful cities of this nation.

I was so excited and thrilled by the turnout.

Thank you to all my famous corgis, all my double corgis, all my triple corgi elites for coming out and supporting medallion status.

It was a real thrill to see everybody there.

Of course, not quite over.

This weekend, I'm going to St.

Paul to join the Wits radio show reunion and the Chicago Humanities Festival.

And then, of course, Jesse, you and I are going on the road with Judge John Hodgman in early November.

So, if you haven't yet had a chance to come out and get your famous corgi pin, come see us on the road, johnhodgman.com/slash tour.

But thank you so much, everybody.

It's been such a delight to bring this book to you.

And if you haven't heard of it yet, it's called Medallion Status by me, John Hodgman.

You can find out more by going to johnhodgman.com or bit.ly, b-i-t.ly-y slash medallion status, all capital letters, all one word.

Jesse Thorne, how are you?

I'm holding on.

I'm doing all right.

I'm getting ready to

tuning up my concert ukulele, learning a few tunes for our tour.

I'm going to be singing on tour.

First time singing in public other than one Judge John Hodgman show since I was in Little Shop of Horrors when I was 17 at San Francisco School of the Arts.

You blew it away at that Judge John Hodgman show.

I think people are going to be really,

really happy and excited to hear you sing, and I'm going to be feeling very ashamed of myself because I don't have any new songs.

As of now.

As of now, I could only have new songs.

You got time.

Make it happen.

Get it locked in.

Get it in your sights and make it happen.

Well, that's motivational talk right there.

Here's something from Hannah.

She asks, I live in a big city and aim to obey pedestrian street crossing laws.

I often see pedestrians starting to cross the street even after the red hand has been flashing for a while, meaning they won't make it to the other side of the street before the light changes and cars will have to wait on them.

These pedestrians don't even try to perform a fake, uh-oh, run when the light changes.

If I see another pedestrian starting to cross the street too late, may I get in on the action?

Wow, that

took a turn.

What if I can get to the other side more quickly than the person who initially started walking across the street too late?

Yeah, here I thought Hannah was just writing in classic Judge John Hodgman writing style to shame a bunch of strangers in her life.

Yeah, I assume she was going to ask for permission to mow them down.

But the question is, can she get in on someone who is crossing too late?

In other words, if someone is breaking the rule as she defines it, is it okay for her to break the rule too?

Jesse, what's it like there in Los Angeles in terms of crosswalks?

Do you get a countdown?

Do you get a numbered countdown or just flashing hand once it's turned from walk to caution?

Generally speaking, if there is a

hand type signal, there is a countdown.

You see numbers counting down.

Yeah, there are a lot of real dicey street crossings in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, you'll be shocked to learn, is a city that generally privileges motor vehicles over pedestrians, though not without exception.

But they've been working on street safety, and one of the things they do is offer countdowns.

And they also have those kinds of crosswalks here in...

Westlake, where Max Fun HQ is, where there are times when the intersection can only be entered by pedestrians.

So they will stop all the cars and you can cross diagonally if you want to.

Which also is to protect the safety of pedestrians.

But yeah, those numbers have been there as long as I've lived in Los Angeles, and I remember when they came in in San Francisco, where I grew up, and that was probably when I was a teenager 20 years ago.

So those numbers are around, and I gather that those numbers are substantially so that pedestrians can understand

the difference between the time a slow-moving person should stop trying to enter the intersection and the time a more quickly moving person should a nimble little roadrunner yeah exactly I'm a real crosswalk jogger I'll push the envelope yeah me too I mean I thought I was going to be one of the people that Hannah was shaming here because in New York City and in Park Slope it's kind of a mixed bag of whether you're going to get you know the walk signal is the walk signal and then whether you're going to get just a flashing hand or a countdown.

Just the flashing hand, of course, does leave some ambiguity about exactly how much time is left.

If you didn't see when the flashing hand started, you might not know exactly.

And I know I'm not supposed to, but I will usually, if it's safe to proceed, if I've looked both ways a couple of times and I know I'm not just going to get mowed down.

And I'm by myself and I'm not pushing a stroller or putting one else at risk, I will usually move into the intersection, even on a flashing hand.

Look, I'm an older fella, but I'm still nimble.

I still got it.

And in New York City, the streets are small.

You know what I mean?

Even an avenue, you can get across that very easily.

It's not like one of your nine-lane death rivers

of cars that

have a remote to keep pedestrians from crossing Beverly.

That's not true.

No, it's not true.

No.

I don't know what they're doing there in Los Angeles.

No, it's just sort of a fire pit, like a little fire pit.

What bothers me about what Hannah's saying, though, is that she's trying to have it both ways.

She's trying to shame the people like you and me, Jesse,

who are hopping in there at the last minute.

And then she's also trying to say, but I can go with them, right?

I think this is a classic only child, super smart,

afraid of conflict situation.

I think she really.

I think she doesn't want to break the rules and wants to be able to point at others who are breaking the rules and tell parents about it.

I think she also wants permission from the greatest parent of all, John Hodgman.

Parent of all only children, you are all my only children.

I think you're absolutely right.

Hannah, do not compare thyself to others.

Do not shame them for making their life choices, which could arguably be their death choices.

Do not use them to shield you from making choices that you yourself are making.

If you'd find their behavior reckless, you should not join in on it.

But if you feel you can cross that street and you're not putting other people at danger, go for it.

You say it's an only child thing.

To me, it feels like a sibling thing.

Siblings.

Always like, he gets a cookie, shouldn't I get one?

No, just take your own cookie in life if you can get it.

Don't hurt other people.

And don't be irresponsible, Hannah.

Don't worry about them.

Worry about you.

As a native San Franciscan who grew up with two parents who did not have cars until I was a teenager and didn't myself learn to drive until I was like 20 or something like that, I truly in my heart believe that I have, what's the guy from the X-Men that shoots laser beams out of his eyes?

Cyclops, Scott Summers.

I have like a cyclops-like power in my heart, I know this to be true, to stop cars in their tracks.

I will enter the crosswalk and I will just look at a car that's coming at me like, don't you dare.

I just seize control of the situation with the power of my eyes.

Don't you dare.

And they stop right there, not even at the crosswalk, eight feet behind the crosswalk, because they've been intimidated by my eye powers.

I'm like Matilda from the book Matilda.

Yeah.

Folks haven't seen Jesse Thorne live in concert with Judge John Hodgman Live Justice or in his own Jordan Jesse Go shows or just out there in the streets.

Jesse Thorne is nine feet tall.

He's got a majestic rasputini beard.

Yep.

And two.

Not one, but two of the most beautiful, piercing eyes in pod business.

Yeah, and I I always wear a chainmail shirt like Isaac Hayes.

You don't wear a chainmail shirt, but I do feel like I could see driving up to you and you turning and looking me in the eyes, and it would feel like a movie from a 1970s satanic horror movie where you're about to give me.

You're about to curse me.

I had to do that one time at the corner of Mission and Valencia Streets in San Francisco when I was about 13.

This woman in like a Chrysler, like an 89 Chrysler,

rolled up to the intersection.

I was crossing the intersection.

I did not give an inch, and she bumped me in the knee.

Just going like three miles an hour.

She was stopping, but she just went too far.

She and she bumped me in the knee.

And I looked over my shoulder, and it was a lady from church.

You would think I would do what Christ would do in this situation, which is give her a forgiving look.

Sure.

But instead, I gave her a look that warned her, I know where you're headed when you die.

You'd think you would do what Christ would do in that situation, right?

Which is make her drink his blood.

As in communion, although I was Episcopalian, so in our church, it is a metaphor.

I think that, you know, we have a lot of new merch populating into the Max Fun store.

You're going to see a lot of new and interesting merch coming up in the Max Fun store and on tour.

Some really exciting Judge John Hodgman stuff.

But one one thing we did not think to make, Jesse, was an official Judge John Hodgman, Bailiff Jesse Thorne traffic stopper.

It's like a crossing guard style stop sign, but instead of the word stop on it, it's just got a picture of your face

staring resolutely.

I'll tell you what, while supplies last, if you make a Judge John Hodgman, Bailiff Jesse Thorne traffic stopper, and bring it to the Judge John Hodgman show, you get an automatic double corgi enamel pin from me.

It's got to look good, though.

You know what what I mean?

A nice big illustration or photograph of Jesse Thorne's face.

Stopping traffic.

Rick says, my wife and I live with two decidedly untidy children, ages seven and three.

I serve as the treasurer and bookkeeper for our local Quaker meeting, of which my wife is a member, and regularly receive mail and other documents on behalf of the meeting.

Currently, all incoming mail is left on top of our piano to be addressed later.

When carrying out my duties as treasurer each month, I frequently have to search for the materials I need.

They become obscured under other meaningless advertisements or misplaced by curious children.

I propose to procure and install a simple wooden wall-hanging mail sorter.

My wife objects on the grounds that our walls have all been recently painted and should not have anything affixed to them.

I seek an order to allow the installation of a reasonable receptacle that will keep safe and organized all incoming documents of value until they are summarily addressed.

Listen to Rick over here.

He's a bookkeeper and treasurer for his Quaker meeting.

This does really read like a memo.

Yeah, and a piano owner.

All right, I got it, Rick.

Say no more.

You are a fancy man.

Just kidding.

The Quakers aren't fancy at all.

They're a wonderful meeting of friends.

Yeah, modest.

It's very modest, indeed.

Rick isn't that modest.

He's bragging about his piano

and his title, Treasurer and Bookkeeper.

Jesse, have you ever been to a Quaker meeting or a Quaker wedding?

I have not ever been to a Quaker meeting or wedding, although my AP US history teacher was a practicing Quaker.

I went to a Quaker wedding.

I've not been to a standard meeting, but I gather that the system is more or less the same.

And where there are differences, I look forward them to being enumerated in detail in the many letters I'm about to receive.

But the wedding I went to was that of my cousin Christine, actually my wife's cousin Christine.

And she grew up in the Quaker tradition.

And in the Quaker wedding, as in, I believe, Quaker meeting, everyone sits in a big circle, and you just sit there silently.

There's no one leading it, per se.

And you sit there silently until you feel moved by some spirit inside of you to speak what is on your mind.

And in the case of the wedding, it's usually people getting up and saying, I remember when I first met the bride and groom, and here's a story, whatever.

It's like almost like a series of really reverent toasts.

But the silence would last a long time.

You would think if you were a practicing Quaker, you wouldn't wouldn't have to sit there and think of something.

You'd preload with a couple of good anecdotes.

But of course, the silence is part of the experience is really feeling silence with a big group of people.

It's kind of amazing.

Did you see the episode of Catastrophe, the wonderful television program, in which Rob Delaney, my friend and yours, went to a Quaker meeting because he needed to be spiritually salved.

And he thought maybe he was getting spiritually salved, but in the end, he just yelled and swore at all of them.

I have not seen that one I'm afraid.

It's a really good one.

So anyway Rick bookkeeper and treasurer for local Quaker meeting.

You're losing some important documents from the top of the paian.

I have this issue myself which is I take in the mail

and I have difficulty in my home being able to put something down and coming back to it even five minutes later.

Things seem to get sorted and changed and fall down cracks or get thrown into other piles and it can be a little bit frustrating.

I share and understand your frustration.

I believe that you do need a reasonable receptacle.

All human beings deserve a reasonable receptacle for their special Quaker mail.

I also feel that wall-mounted mail sorters look junky to me.

Sorry.

I think they look like junk.

Basically, it takes like the junk pile on top of your counter and mounts it on the wall for everyone to see.

And that doesn't mean it's wrong If your wife, Rick, thought this would look fine or didn't want to protect the recently painted walls, then I would say, go for it.

But obviously, then there wouldn't be any dispute and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

One of the things that I did

in order to make sure that I could put at least a couple of important things down and they wouldn't walk away, and I'm talking about like passports and birth certificates.

I got a safe.

I love my safe so much.

No one's breaking into the house for these things, but I love that I can close this thing and no one is getting at it.

Yeah.

Everyone in my family knows the combination.

Do you know what I mean?

But it's just too much trouble to get into the safe.

And I'm just talking about, you know, it's like a small box with a combination lock on it, and it's heavy.

It's fireproof too.

Putting stuff in the safe and knowing that it's not moving around anywhere is a weird bomb.

upon my soul.

This is what I have to do to self-soothe, to quiet the screaming in the back of my head, Rick.

And I know that you've got the screaming in the the back of your head, too, with regard to your special Quaker bookkeeping correspondence.

You should get a box, whether that is a cigar box or some kind of nice basket or a strong box or a safe or a wall safe or a giant standing safe.

That's what I wanted.

It was a big giant standing safe.

But anyway, I didn't couldn't get that.

Couldn't fit that in the apartment.

But just something where you can sort through the mail and put your stuff and then put it aside where you know it will not move away.

I'm sorry that I can't allow you to have your junkie wall hanging, but unless there's full consent from all parties, you can't just hang something on the wall.

That's pretty much true, whether it's your mail sorter or your giant Judge John Hodgman poster available now in the merch store.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

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And whether it's griddles or pots and pans or knives or glassware or tableware, I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be getting back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

Here's something from Sharon.

My husband and I travel quite a bit, and I often enjoy the local cuisine, but I want to bring chili pepper sauce with me so I can put it on my food.

He says this is disrespectful and inappropriate.

I say if I've had it their way after a week or so I think it's okay to customize my meals for the rest of the trip.

It's better than ordering a burger or a pizza.

We were just in Greece and they didn't have sauce for anything.

Next year, we might be going to Peru.

So I want to bring pepper sauce because I know the food is meat-based.

I like what I like.

And I'm not flaunting the additional sauce,

so I think it's okay.

It's not like I'm covering their food with ketchup.

What do you think?

Disrespectful or just fusion-y?

Sharon, I like spicy food.

I am like Nick Weiger.

I'm something of a heat seeker.

But in that last line, Sharon, you really are testing me.

It's hard for me to rule in favor of the word fusion-y.

Payless, Jesse, do you have a favorite condiment?

Yeah, I like mayonnaise.

Yeah.

But I think a condiment of this type that I were going to bring somewhere, I like a vinegary, not that spicy hot sauce, like a cholula.

I'll put that on eggs or something.

I love cholula.

I love hot sauce.

I love mayonnaise.

I mean, I'm talking about a condiment where you might be tempted to put it on food that it doesn't belong.

You know what I mean?

Just because you like that mayonnaise so much.

I love blue cheese dressing, but I can't imagine myself bringing it with me in a jug to restaurants.

I would have thought blue cheese might be a migraine trigger, Jesse.

It is a migraine trigger for some people, as are all aged cheeses.

Parmesan is particularly a source of potential migraines, but not for me.

Oh, good.

I'm glad to hear that.

So was I when I, man, when I gave up hard cheese and aged cheeses for like six months when I went on an Eliminate Everything migraine diet, I was like, I think that if cheese turns out to be a migraine trigger for me, I will just accept that I will always have a migraine.

Accept the migraine.

migraine.

Yeah.

Go with the grain.

Or just like move to a place where there's no cheese.

Or Peru, where the food is meat-based.

And apparently they have never heard of any sauces.

Yeah.

No sauces.

Let's pick this apart a little bit here, Sharon.

Yeah.

First of all, I also enjoy a hot sauce.

I get you.

I'm with you.

I find that food is often underseasoned to my taste.

That doesn't mean that it's prepared wrong, but I usually like more salt and pepper and spice when it is appropriate to the food that is being eaten.

I find that I'd like to add a little bit more, and I get frustrated when,

well, I don't know, hypothetically, the general store in Maine changes its salt and pepper shakers from the ones that used to actually dispense salt and pepper to the ones that you have to shake five times to get a single grain out.

And then I have to pull the bottom out so I get the pepper out.

Sorry, that's a letter to the manager that I should be sending somewhere else.

Come on, general store in Maine.

Get my salt and pepper shakers back.

The ones I like, the ones that dispense the salt and pepper.

But

that does not mean that it is okay for me to bring my own salt and pepper to the general store.

I don't think anyone would mind, but it's a slippery slope.

I have this question for you, Sharon.

First of all, how are you getting through TSA with all this hot sauce?

You're traveling from place to place.

Are you putting it in with your toothpaste?

Are you bringing travel size?

Are you putting it in a diplomatic envelope?

Yeah.

Second of all, how do you not know that these places do have sauces?

They have plenty of sauces in Greek cuisine.

The other thing I have to say is, what do you know about Peruvian cuisine?

They've got to have sauces there for you.

There is the combination, I think, of the intrusiveness of bringing your own seasoning to a restaurant, which in the context of the United States alone would be problematic.

It is beyond saying simply, I know better than the chef how this should be prepared.

It is, I don't even think you have the ingredients to make it right.

And in the context of visiting other cultures, you may actually,

in your self-delusion that these places don't have spice for you, you may be missing out on what these cultures' cuisines are actually offering you.

I will put mayonnaise on almost anything, but that is a sick habit of my own.

That does not mean it is the right thing to do.

What's interesting is that you, Sharon, present this, I like what I like, piece of settled law in the Judge Judge John Hodgman courtroom, and you throw it in my face and you dare me to tell you that you're wrong.

Well, I accept your dare.

You're wrong, Sharon.

If this were a cis white dude bringing a hot sauce to every restaurant that he went to, everyone in the world would know he was a monster.

It would be automatic.

I apologize for saying this, Sharon, but what you're doing is a little bit monstrous, but mostly just robbing yourself of the chance to taste these cuisines and not think that you're above the people who are making them for you, but really to embrace what different culture has to offer you.

Peru has both agi verde, a green hot sauce, and ajiamarillo, a yellow hot sauce.

Those are two sauces that you were going to miss, Sharon, because you were bringing your special hot pepper sauce.

So

immerse yourself into the cuisines and the cultures of this world.

There is a cultural difference within the United States regarding carrying hot sauce.

This was something that came up in the 2016 presidential election when, in an apparent effort to curry favor with African-American women, the Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton revealed on, I'm going to say the Breakfast Club, but I might be forgetting where she revealed it, that she carried hot sauce in her purse.

I think there are Southeasterners and particularly African Americans who carry a preferred hot sauce with them.

But I don't think that they are carrying them to bring to restaurants where hot sauce is not accepted.

You know what I mean?

Like where hot sauce isn't part of the cuisine.

They're not like, oh, man,

this chow mein needs more Tabasco.

Right.

I see what you're saying.

And, you know, it reminds me that, you know, I had brunch now, boy, a couple of years ago with the great author N.K.

Jemison, author of the Broken Earth trilogy, an incredible fantasy trilogy that you should read that's really cool and fun and interesting and challenging and provocative and good.

And she's terrific.

Yeah, well, I'm friends with her cousin, comedian W.

Kamal Bell.

So they are.

We're both friends with important, cool people.

Yeah.

And I remember now that she had her own hot sauce in her bag at lunch, but we were at like a brunch place that had hot sauce there.

I can allow a carve-out, if there is a cultural tradition that I am not aware of, of bringing your own kind of hot sauce to a restaurant where hot sauce is part of the cuisine.

If that's something I've missed, if that's a blind spot for me, that's on me.

And Sharon,

there you go.

I give you that allowance.

But going to other cultures, it's an opportunity to learn with your mouth

and

have easier time getting through security at the same time.

So that's that's my ruling.

The whole point of going to Peru is to try out the Aji Verde.

There are all those Aji Verde factory tours in Peru.

Here's something from Amy.

My husband Jay owns a lot of sports caps.

He currently has 10.

In the past, he's had closer to 20.

He often buys them based on the design of the team's logo.

While he has some working knowledge of the teams, he's often not a fan.

When we go out in the world and he's wearing a team hat, invariably a fan of the team will shout, go team name, or give him a knowing nod or want to talk at length about the team in question.

I believe this creates a dishonest relationship between Jay and the sports fans with whom he crosses paths.

For example, recently in a wine shop, the shopkeeper saw Jay's Pittsburgh Steelers hat and wanted to discuss at length the trials and tribulations of the current season.

Jay and the Pittsburgh fans spoke for a good five or ten minutes.

After we left, Jay admitted he hadn't known about the recent trades and injuries the fan was so distraught about.

I'd like Judge Hodgman to issue an injunction on Jay's hat buying to only buy hats for teams he follows and appreciates as a team, or to order that he admit to not being a fan when interacting with others.

Hmm.

I hate to talk about another podcast a second time on this podcast.

But I made mention of Nick Weiger of the Dough Boys before.

He's a little bit of a heat seeker.

But I do have a story that relates to this specifically, which is that

I was in Boston for a live show that the Dough Boys did.

They were very kind to have me on that episode where we reviewed, I don't know if it's come out yet, so I won't reveal it, a pizza chain that is very near and dear to Mike Mitchell's heart, co-host Mike Mitchell, of course, having grown up in Quincy, Massachusetts.

And after the show, all of his Quincy fans that you've heard about on the show, the guys that he grew up with in Quincy, all came out to the bar after.

Momo, Big Hat, Farttholomew, all of them.

Fart Tholome.

Dano.

Dano is the one I remember because we ended up trading hats.

The reason that we traded hats was that I was wearing my Quebec Nordiques hat.

The Quebec Nordiques, of course, were the hockey team in Quebec City that eventually became the Colorado Avalanche, and you know I'm a fan of sad, neglected, extinct hockey teams, the Nordiques in particular.

And it did not occur to me what would happen if a bunch of guys from Quincy saw me wearing a Nordiques hat.

This sounds like a preface for violence.

I certainly thought it was.

I love all the people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, but there's a certain kind of dude from Massachusetts who has a certain kind of accent and a certain interest in hockey who reminds me of the kids who were mean to me when I was but a young nerd.

And here I was, surrounded by all these much larger dudes from Quincy, talking with that accent, even though I'm from Boston.

I've never had a Boston accent.

I've always felt like a person without a country.

And they see my hat and they go, Nordiques,

that's awesome.

I've never felt accepted like that by people in Boston in my life, just because I was wearing a Nordique's hat.

You immediately sent a bullying text to Elliot Kalen.

That's right.

I sent a picture with all my new friends, the hockey fans.

One by one, the Quincy boys came up to me and said, that's effing awesome.

Nordique's, why do you have that hat?

And I would explain, a fan of extinct hockey.

They would try to engage me in conversations about hockey.

I would just sort of gently nod them along and try to move along because if they found, I was concerned that if they found out I didn't know anything about hockey, they might punch me in the neck.

But that's not true.

My truth was good enough.

If I had been asked directly, were you a fan of the Nordiques?

I would have simply said, no.

I'm a fan of this logo, and I love the sad story of all extinct hockey teams.

And you can read all about it in my book, Medallion Status, available now in hardcover, digital, and audiobook edition.

And the result was we had a wonderful evening together.

And I eventually ended up trading my Nordique's hockey hat to Dano for his Detroit Tigers baseball hat.

Dano, who was from Quincy, I said, are you a fan of the Tigers?

And Dano said, no, I just effing hate the Red Sox so much.

We were brothers in that time.

I'm an only child, but he's my brother.

We should explain that Dano also stars in that remake of Magnum P.I.

Yeah, of course, right, yeah.

In any case, there is no shame in wearing the sports livery of a team that is not your own.

Whether that is because you are obsessed with the logo, or you are obsessed with the history of extinct hockey, or whether you just hate the Red Sox that much that you need to be such a Boston mass-dash whole.

that you have to wear a Detroit Tigers hat in your own Commonwealth.

It's fine.

It's fine for Jay to own more than one sports hat.

I own more than one sports hat, and I hate all sports.

Atlanta Flames, Hartford Whalers,

Nippon Ham Fighters.

It's fun.

They're fun to wear.

I just sent a patch to our mutual friend Dave Shumka of the hit podcast, Stop Podcasting Yourself, that says Vancouver Blades.

Yeah, sweet.

It's fun to wear that stuff, but here's where I think Jay goes wrong.

One, One,

Jay doesn't need 10 hats, and certainly not 20.

20 would seem too many for him to have a connection and a feeling and a story with each one.

And I feel if you're going to wear a hat that is representative of a team that is not your own, you got to find a way to connect with it.

You got to find a way to say to the person at the wine store, oh, I'm not from Pittsburgh actually, but I just love this team or I love this logo because XYZ.

You don't want to be in a situation, and I don't think it's fair, to be in a situation where the wine seller wants to talk to you about something that he loves and you pretend that you love it too, just to get out of the conversation.

That is cruel.

That is a kind of lying on your part.

It's okay to wear team logos that don't, quote unquote, belong to you, so long as you make them belong to you and you're straightforward about what you like about them.

It is not okay for you to lead someone along to think that they share your interests when you do not.

Jesse Thorne, Thorne, do you think that's fair?

I've just been busy writing a note to myself that says, don't let Judge Hodgman see how many hats you have.

Fine.

You can articulate a reason for each hat that you have.

Yeah, that's true.

Whether it is the logo, the style, the maker, the place that you found it, the reason it is in your collection, I'm sure you could tell that story.

I am, in fact, a part-time professional hat manufacturer, so

I think I get a pass.

If Jay has that connection with 10, 15, 20 hats, I can't argue with that.

If you have that connection, great.

But don't be out there fronting Jay.

Don't be fronting.

There's no future in it.

There's no future in fronting.

Don't be out there wearing a hat that you have no connection to, such that when someone comes to you and says, do we have this connection or not?

You basically have to sort of nod along and lie and say yes when you don't.

Make the connection, be able to articulate it.

Go, Pittsburgh.

Let's take a break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing?

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes.

Episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're clearing the docket with me, Judge John Hodgman.

Here's something from Catherine.

I'm bringing this case against my fiancé, Austin.

When cooking, Austin likes to move ingredients into small bowls before adding them to a dish.

In the past, he's even dared to move things that I've chopped up into small bowls.

I believe that we don't live in a Truman show situation and are not being secretly taped to be on a cooking show, so those bowls simply aren't necessary.

I believe unless the chopped up ingredients take up an unreasonable amount of space on the cutting board, they should remain on the cutting board until added to the dish.

This practice reduces the number of dishes to wash.

If I win the case, I ask for him to stop with these ridiculous small bowls.

Catherine really thinks that Austin is being pretentious

with his love of little ramekins.

How could anyone be pretentious about mise-en-place?

I have a note right here.

Jesse Thorne, what is your mise-en-place position?

The closest I get to mise-en-place is that I do try and wash the knife right after I use it instead of leaving it around dirty.

So, for those of you who don't know, mise-en-place is a French term.

It's a culinary term that refers essentially, I think it literally means setting in place, but it's essentially how you set up the space in which you are cooking to prepare to make the particular dish.

And what Catherine is describing, what Austin is doing, is setting up a very sort of considered, careful, some might say, persnickety mise-en-place, where the individual ingredients, whatever they may be, cut up onions, cut up garlic, brown sugar, chia seeds, I don't know, think of an ingredient.

They are pre-measured before you start cooking and often placed into little ramekins so that while you're cooking, you just, instead of now add three tablespoons of molasses or whatever, and you have to measure it out and put it in, you got the three tablespoons waiting right there.

The downside, of course, is, A, you have a lot more things to clean up, these little ramekins, to go into the dishwasher, to wash by hand.

And of course, you look like a pretentious jerk who thinks he's on TV, because that's how people on TV cook.

I have no doubt that Austin is pretentious in doing this.

No doubt at all.

But he's not more pretentious than Judge John Hodgman.

Do I use ramekins?

Of course I do.

Why?

Do I like to pretend I'm on a TV cooking show?

Since I was 12.

Of course I did.

But does it make the cooking easier?

If you plan your work and work your plan, it certainly makes cooking a fun, meditative,

creative endeavor for me rather than just an extra layer of existential panic on top of all the existential panic that is buzzing in my head all the time.

And I would hate it if my wife, whose name is also Catherine?

Oh, is she writing in about me?

No, this is a different spelling.

I would hate it if my wife tried to rame and shame me.

I will say that if Catherine is cooking, Austin should keep his hands off of her ingredients.

She has a different style, a no-ramekin style.

Let's just cut him up and throw it in style.

But similarly, if Austin's cooking something, there's no reason.

So long as he's cleaning up his own ramekins, ram it up.

That's what I say.

Ramekins.

I'd like to bring out a line of Judge Sean Hodgman ramekins and send them directly to Austin.

Would they be the kind with a flat bottom and ridged sides like you would make a creme caramel in?

Or would they be the kind with a curved bottom so that you can reach in and grab the ingredient out with your fingers like you were playing Mancala?

I think the traditional definition of ramekin is something more akin to like a creme caramel cup or whatever.

I'm actually not fussy about my small little bowls.

I'm sure this is hard for listeners to accept and believe, but I'm not that fussy about it.

I have a friend named Dan Charnas.

Lovely guy.

He wrote one of the best hip-hop books there is called The Big Payback: The History of the Business of Hip Hop.

Amazing book, brilliantly reported.

He wrote a book called Everything in Its Place: The Power of Mies-En Place to Organize Your Life, Work, and Mind

that

basically presents Mise-Place as a life-changing innovation, not unlike your book, The Fantastic Power of Neatening Up, or whatever it's called.

The all-the-time sorcery of keeping it clean.

Yeah.

And I have to admit, when he emailed me about this book, I said to myself, well, that's not for me, but I wish it the best.

So I haven't read it.

But

if you are a real Mise-on-Place nut, or you're just looking to get your life together, check out Dan Charnas' book.

Yeah, where are my Mise-En Plosse at?

Your PLOS heads.

I'm more of a Duplos head.

I'm all about that puffy chair, baby.

Oh.

Oh, man.

One time I saw Marc Duplos at the baseball game

and I went over and talked to him because I thought we were friendly, but it turned out we weren't.

But he was pretty nice about it.

What do you mean?

You imagined that you had met him and you hadn't?

Well, he had been on Bullseye before, and we had had a very nice time.

But he's a film and television star as well as an accomplished director and producer.

Right.

He hasn't known Jesse Thorne.

Bothering him with his family at the baseball game, but he was right there there in front of me.

He was like three rows in front of me.

I said, I got to go talk to Marc Duplas.

This guy's too handsome for me to miss this opportunity.

Yeah, you got to go talk to a handsome man if you have a chance.

So handsome.

Here's something from Jeff.

Probably very handsome.

My Aunt Shirley logs into the social media account of her husband Randy and comments on the posts of family and friends.

Baller move, Aunt Shirley.

Please compel Aunt Shirley to get her own social media account or refrain from using social media altogether.

Jesse, do I remember correctly that your first email address was one that you shared with your mother?

Yes, that is absolutely true.

jjthorne at serious.net.

I want to reassure younger listeners that this is not what Jesse's email relationship with his own mom was not sick or weird.

It was not uncommon.

Yeah, this was back when you had to pay extra to get more email addresses.

Right.

It was not uncommon for people to share email addresses,

especially for spouses to share email addresses, as absurd as that sounds now, since the whole point of having email and social media is to live a secret life.

But I have to tell all those people who are still sharing those email addresses.

Split it up.

You got to split them up.

Everyone needs their own life.

What Auntie Shirley is doing, sharing the social media account of her husband, is identity theft.

That's right, Aunt Shirley, we're coming for you.

ID theft.

Here's the thing.

Don't ever, under any circumstances, present your work in life, whether that is a piece of writing, piece of art, or a comment on a threat, as anything that might be construed as anything but your own.

If it could be construed as the work of someone else, it's at the very best confusing.

And really, it's, I think, maybe technically criminal.

So Shirley, you're on borrowed time now.

I'm going to call the cops on you.

Yeah, we're going to get you with one of those hacking statutes.

Yeah, we're going to get you a hacking statue.

What's that?

A statue of a hacker?

No, a statute.

Oh,

sorry about that.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

We have to stop it now before it gets worse.

This week's episode was edited by Jesus Ambrosio and produced by Hannah Smith.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judgejohnhodgman tweets and posts, hashtag JJ Ho.

And check out the MaxFund subreddit at maximumfund.reddit.com to discuss this episode.

You can submit your cases to us at maximumfund.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

If you're in one of the cities that we're on our way to on tour, make sure to mention that when you submit your case.

And we'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

It's a statue of a hacker with a ukulele.

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