Sluice Juice

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me is the oldest living president, Judge John Hodgman.

Oh, what a burden!

What a burden of history!

It is

it is.

You got to show up to all the funerals for you know when Jacques Chirac dies or whatever.

You know what?

I think being ex-president would be pretty amazing.

That would be great.

All you have to do is go to funerals, right?

And maybe you can do some good in this world.

I don't know.

I'll be an ex-president any day.

You know what?

Everybody, John Hodgman for ex-president 2020.

I'm in.

I don't know.

I feel like if I was an ex-president, I'd just do it Nixon style.

I'd just lock myself in a room in the desert until my reputation improved.

I'd do that too.

I'd do it all.

I'd do it all.

That's why I'm running running for ex-president.

You heard it here first, everybody.

John Hodgman 2020.

You know what I am doing, just before we speak about this docket?

What's that?

I'm getting very excited because we're closing in on the publication date of Medallion Status, my new book of funny stories, hard truths, and secret rooms.

And I hope people will consider checking it out in any format they like.

Did you know?

that you can go to bit.ly slash medallion status and order it from an indie seller, a local bookshop in your world?

You can

go to IndieBound.

When you click on bit.ly slash medallion status, pick the IndieBound option.

Or you can just call our friends at Books or Magic, order one there, and I'll sign one for you eventually and I'll send it to you.

But it'll take a little while because I have to get over there.

I have to take a subway train.

Jesse Thorne, I just had to, you know, hashtag always be plug-in.

You got it, you got your plugs in.

You know what I mean?

ABP, that's the most famous hashtag of all time.

Hashtag always always be plug-in.

Hashtag, let's get to the docket.

Here's something from Rachel.

She says, my fiancé Andrew does not make the bed.

I always make the bed when I get up after him, which is about three or four times a week.

If I'm up before him, I come home to a messy, unmade bed.

I would like Judge John Hodgman to order my fiancée to make the bed when he's the last one to wake up in the morning.

It's fair to share the responsibility of keeping our space clean and cozy.

Jesse, you share a marital bed with your lovely bride and person in her own right, Teresa Thorne.

That's true.

And you also share that bed with your bed.

And with various children and dogs.

Various children and dogs.

California king?

Do you have a California king?

We have a standard king.

Not quite enough room in the bedroom for a California king, but I took your advice after children started showing up in my bed and upgraded from a queen to a king.

And it has made a great difference in terms of particularly me not falling off the side of the bed.

A person of your height should, you know, a California king would be nice because they're longer, right?

I think that's what that's all about.

Yeah, I think it's a little longer.

One of these days, one of these days.

But in the meantime, given what you describe, that bed has got to be a disaster area in the morning, right?

Yep.

And all day long, baby.

Because no one makes it up.

There's no policy?

Yeah, no one in our family is the bedmaker.

I would say I make it hastily and casually two or three days a week.

I try and like spread the bedspread so at least if the dogs go up on the bed, they're on the bed spread and not in the bed sheets.

Right, right, right.

You don't want to make a bed with a dog and get it trapped in there.

They could turn on.

It might not surprise listeners to know that when I sleep at night and then get up in the morning, it's like I was never there.

Many a night I will just lie down on top of the covers and not even get under the covers and lie down straight like a robot and then shut down for a while and then wake up and get out of bed and it's not been disturbed.

And even when I do get under the covers and sleep soundly in a cozy type situation, there is a control mania in my unconscious mind that prevents me from messing up those covers.

Whereas the person that I share my bed with, I don't know how she does it.

Like, usually the top sheet has been knotted into a series of intricate sailors' knots by the time morning has come.

And never mind the comforter, which is maybe could be in another room at that point.

But we had to come up with a system for tidying this bed up that felt equitable.

Since, let's put it frankly, only one person is messing it up.

This is a did the crime, does the time situation?

Well, no, it's just, you know, we decided to put everything in balance and realize since, you know, it couldn't just be my wife's responsibility, because that's not fair.

It's not necessarily fair to punish her for her actions while unconscious.

Yeah, it's just the way she sleeps.

It's not, I mean, that's the way it is, exactly.

So we came up with a system that feels very equitable to me, especially when our children were littler

and needed attention earlier in the morning than we wanted to wake up.

And that was the last person out of bed tidies the bed.

That way, the person who gets out of bed first first doesn't have to worry about it, and the person who gets to sleep in a little bit does the basic, decent thing of tidying the bed.

So, that is our system.

It is universally applied insofar as when I am the last person to get up, I do tidy the bed.

Otherwise, it never gets tidy.

It is universally applied to me only.

But I will say this: difference in tolerance for untidiness is something you need to figure out in your relationship right quick.

You need to know how much tidiness each person feels is desirable and how much untidiness each person feels they can put up with.

Because I do think that it's a very personal thing.

And if you are in a relationship where

you desire tidiness, such as Rachel, but Andrew doesn't care about it, such as Andrew,

that can turn into a low background hum of resentment that will be poisonous over time.

The first thing that has to happen if you are a tidy person living with an untidy person is you have to acknowledge that untidiness is not a moral failure.

It's just that different people have different tolerance level for things being out of place or not quite right.

That said, the bed is the most intimate part of a relationship.

This is the place where you should find some common ground.

Andrew,

Rachel isn't your mommy.

People shouldn't be cleaning up after you.

Pull up the comforter.

It's the least you can do.

In the meantime, Rachel, forgive him his untidiness and Andrew, respect her tidiness.

Good night.

Here's something from Lou.

I bring this case against my dear sweet partner.

He doesn't always check to see how many bathroom towels are currently in use and helps himself to a new one after showering.

This results in far too many active towels.

He says this isn't a problem.

He believes towels can be returned to the linen closet after one or two uses.

What?

Wow.

If you rule in my favor, I would have you order that no used towels are allowed back in the linen closet and that my husband must read the room before grabbing a fresh towel.

Those other towels might disapprove.

I would also have you order that he clean all active towels regularly for the next three months as damages.

You may decide what you think is regular for towel cleaning.

We will follow your wise advice.

There's a lot to process here.

Before we start tearing this person apart, not Lou, but her partner, do you have a towel policy in your home?

I am responsible for my portion of the laundry, and my wife handles herself and our children.

That's good, because I would imagine, given the number of vintage textiles and special cleaning items you have, your portion of the laundry is probably more complicated than a million tidy whiteys.

Yeah, exactly.

I think that is exactly why.

I mean, the real reason why is that my wife many years ago made the tactical mistake of saying to me that she enjoyed doing laundry.

Oh, no.

But yeah, I do my laundry because I'm the one who does ironing.

I'm the one who actually separates colors consistently, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And my habit is to wash, I have white towels, and I will wash my towels with my whites,

which is about once a week.

And I'll also wash my mat with all that.

I'll toss it all in there and deal with it once a week or so.

Do you use a clean towel every day?

Well, when I'm in a hotel, but only because I want to destroy the environment.

in spite of that little card that they give you.

Yeah, when I get the card, I call down and go, could you print up 500 more of these cards?

I need to use them to dry off.

But at home, I mean, I asked you that question in a leading way to suggest that I would think it's shameful if you did not use your towel at least twice before throwing it in the hamper.

I'll use a towel, and then I'll hang it up, and then I'll use it again the next day, and I'll hang it up.

And then eventually I'll smell it, and I'll be like, this smells dirty.

I deserve a clean towel.

And then I will take a clean towel.

It sounds to me like Lou's partner here is guilty of two crimes.

One, using a clean towel every day

like he's in a hotel and wants to destroy the environment.

I'm presuming, since the damages that Lou is requesting, is that Lou's partner do the towels, that he does not normally do the laundry.

If he were normally doing the laundry, this would not be happening.

Even if he did his own laundry, it is, as you point out, just ecologically suboptimal to be washing towels like that all the time.

Hang your towel up and use it, I would say, three times before washing it again.

Twice if you get skeeved out by that.

But a clean towel every day is not,

there are too many active towels, as Luke points out.

And second crime, hey,

don't put a used towel in with the clean towels.

That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

I mean, I've heard a lot of weird things on the podcast, so maybe it's not the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

But does that not strike you, Jesse, as malfeasance and trickery?

It strikes strikes me as sociopathic.

Thank you.

I mean, my first thought was, how is he activating so many towels?

Like, how many racks and hooks are there in this bathroom?

I find out that the way he's getting around the limited rack and hook space is by refolding and replacing as though all towels are the same, used or unused.

Yeah, they're damp.

You put them back in there and you fold them up.

They're going to stay damp and they're going to get moldy.

What are you even thinking, Blues partner?

No.

I think the only answer is going to be for this household to get one of those Dyson air blade hand dryers, but the full body edition.

Tell me that's a real thing.

By the way, my apologies to all the misophonics in the audience.

That must have been hard for you to hear Jesse imitating a Dyson full-body air dryer.

I would love one of those things.

Like that thing you have to go into in the airport that scans all your bodies.

Yeah, but it has the air blades, like the air blade thing, and it just goes down.

You don't think Bill Gates has one of these?

You know Bill Gates has one of these.

He just stands on two little pictures of feet in his bathroom on the floor.

Right.

And then the blades come down out of the sky.

And then he's dry.

It all goes into a sluice.

Now I don't know who's going to be angrier, the Misophonics or people like me who hate the word sluice.

You know what I think is possible?

I'm upgrading Bill Gates' house right now.

If he doesn't already have this, he will soon.

He goes in,

he takes off his clothes.

He's looking great, by the way.

He puts his feet on the outlines of the feet.

And then he goes through one of those automatic car washes.

Yes.

All the things go flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop.

You know, like the pink and purple flappers that flap onto your car.

He gets waxed up.

He gets the deluxe.

Sure.

The platinum package.

Yeah.

Tire dressing, the whole nine yards.

That's why his feet are so shiny.

And then he shoots out and he probably drops into a pair of pants.

So he's moving, he's on a conveyor belt or in some kind of bath vehicle moving through these cleaning agents like a car wash?

That seems likely to me.

I mean, I'm not an engineer, John.

I'm more of an idea man.

But for a small New York apartment, you would need a kind of stationary tube that contains all of this.

You step into the tube, it sprays you down, and then it dries you down.

I think in a New York apartment, it's sort of like a small circular track, like a Christmas train set.

Oh, right.

So like a studio body car wash.

Exactly.

Studio size.

A Murphy bed style.

Exactly.

All right.

But I mean, in all cases, you're going to need a pretty big sluice.

Oh.

Can we move on?

Lou, your partner is wrong.

Without that sluice way.

Without that sluice way.

How dare you?

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll hear from a couple of friends of the court about a childcare dispute.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfund.org slash join.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket.

At least you didn't say sluice juice before the break.

Yeah.

The famous.

The famous Howard Hughes's famous boondoggle beverage, the sluice juice.

juice.

Pill Cates' body,

all his dead skin cells and sweat gets sprayed down and then dried off, and all of that remaining water gets sluiced out, and then collects the sluice juice and repurposes it.

Here's something from Sarah.

She says.

I like the Howard Hughes joke better, by the way.

For the record, everyone, Jesse's joke was better.

My husband and I are going to Scotland next year.

His parents will be watching our son while we're gone.

Our son will be two by then.

I'd like them to come to Denver to stay with our son while we're gone.

My husband thinks we should leave our son in Kansas with his parents.

My concerns are that my son doesn't know his grandparents particularly well, and I'm afraid that they'll take him to church.

My husband thinks it's not right to make them uproot their lives for two weeks so that our child can stay in Denver.

Hmm.

Jesse, that's a thorny parenting issue.

And luckily, there's a great parenting podcast co-hosted by someone named Thorne.

Teresa Thorne, we were talking about her earlier.

Co-host of One Bad Mother podcast with Biz Ellis.

It's a comedy show about parenthood, and we thought they'd be perfect expert witnesses to take on this dispute.

So here's what Biz and Teresa have to say.

Woo!

Woo, Teresa.

Yeah.

This is a hot one.

It is.

Can we just start by throwing out the church concerns because he's two?

Is that fair?

Yeah, I mean, I don't want my kids to go to church either, but I think he's two.

I think it's going to be okay if he goes to church.

And we also leave that on.

Well, I just wanted to say, no matter where you go, church is there.

True.

So if they're going to church, they're going to go to church where you live as well.

Oh, that's a good point.

So let's all remember that.

And if this is really about church, then I think we know the answer to the rest of this question.

Yes.

Teresa, would you like to weigh in on this first?

Sure.

Yeah.

I think

that it would be definitely much better for a two-year-old who doesn't know their grandparents very well to stay in their own environment if they're going to be away from their parents for a couple of weeks.

I think that's pretty stressful on a little one to be

cared for by totally different caregivers for a pretty extended period of time at that age.

However,

I also just think it's interesting that the option of asking the in-laws what they would be comfortable with or what they would like to do hasn't been incorporated into this calculation.

So I think I would say, like, maybe the in-laws are up for it.

Yeah.

And they might even like for the kid to be in his more comfortable environment because that might make their job easier and more smooth.

Right.

Where all the supplies are, everything the child needs.

Bedtime routine, all the stuff that he's used to.

They might be more up for that than your husband thinks.

Right.

But at the same time, if it's actually very disruptive to their lives, they're both working, they both can't take that kind of time off.

Maybe they have more of a support network at home that can help them.

I feel like these are all important questions that

you might want to take into consideration.

Yeah, because I think the core of this question

is a very natural emotional place that you are in

as a parent

of a two-year-old.

Oh, yes.

I'm not going to tell you what those emotions are, but I'm sure you have some.

You know what they are.

And, you know, it's okay.

Yeah.

That's the real bottom line.

Yeah.

You can go on a trip.

Yes.

And

your child, whichever decision is made, really will be fine.

Yes.

And you can and are allowed to have a good time.

That's so true.

Yeah.

That's such a good point.

Yeah.

So you're doing a good job.

Yeah, you are.

And yeah, I'm with Teresa.

It sounds like there's some facts missing from a voice of the grandparents.

Yeah.

So go ask them.

And then have a great trip.

Woo!

What do you think, John?

Well, first of all, thanks, Biz and Teresa.

They honed in on some things that I hadn't thought of, which is where the supplies are, how those grandparents are going to take that child to church no matter what.

That's true.

That neutralizes that issue very nicely.

And that, you know, when you go away and you're leaving your kid behind kind of for the first time, it is stressful.

When we left our daughter alone at this age, it was a mistake.

We should have invited my father to take care of her.

We did invite

my father to take care of her and his wife, and they came to our home.

I think that that's the right call.

Unless, as Biz and Teresa points out, that there's some missing information that means that the grandparents are ailing or have less flexibility, or it doesn't really work for them to go to Denver.

I think they should go to Denver.

I think that's a pretty common, typical grandparenty thing to do.

What do you think about it, Jesse?

I agree with you that if it were even Stephen, 50-50, I would say that the grandparents should come to the kid rather than the other other way around.

But I would emphasize two things.

One is that these grandparents who you don't trust your child with because they might take them to church for three hours,

speaking of someone who's been to a lot of church, it's fine.

Like, I'm an atheist and everything.

Church is fine, generally.

Certainly for a two-year-old.

Yeah, it's often interesting and pleasant.

You know, I didn't go to to as much church as you did, Jesse, but as a lapsed Catholic son of two lapsed Catholics, I did have to go to some masses when I was a little kid.

And the only traumatic thing about it was I didn't understand why everyone else was getting snack and I wasn't.

Pardon me still wants to taste one of those communion wafers.

I really felt like those got to be the best-tasting Pringles in the world.

God Pringles.

Oh,

I'd love to get my hands on the body of Christ.

I think there are two key considerations that are being left out of the conversation.

They're ones that Biz and Teresa were getting at that were not in this question.

One of them is that these people are doing an extraordinary favor for you and your partner.

The two of you are going to go on a two-week vacation while not taking care of your kid.

That is really special.

And if they want the kid to come to them, send the kid to them.

Like, I don't think this would have come up if they didn't prefer the kid to come to them.

I think it's probably less than perfect.

And

I would choose, again, 50-50, I'd choose for the grandparents to come to the kid.

But the second consideration is it will absolutely 100% be fine either way.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from my old therapist, who had been a child development specialist for a long time before he met me and realized that some adults needed child development specialists.

But one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from old Dr.

Carr was

that when it comes to your parents taking care of your children or your in-laws taking care of your children, that with the exception of situations that are dangerous, such as, you know, if a parent is an alcoholic or if a parent is, you know, abusive or something along those lines, there's some reason to believe the child child won't be safe.

Generally speaking, the child will gain from having experience doing things another way.

That it will not invalidate the way that you have raised your child.

It will add to your child's flexibility and toolkit in dealing with the world.

And I know that when you have a two-year-old, especially if it's your first or only child, it's hard to accept that because you are really focused on making every decision the right way.

And the reason you're doing that is because you believe the stakes to be extraordinarily high and they're not

high.

But just remember, A, they're doing something really nice for you.

So maybe kind of mention this, but follow their lead.

And B, just know it'll be fine.

It's totally going to be fine.

They have raised children.

They're doing this voluntarily.

It's going to be great.

You know, Jesse, now that I've benefited from your wise counsel, as well as Teresa and Biz's, I see something in in this case that I hadn't considered before, which is it is not really clear what the grandparents want.

We know that Sarah wants them to come to Denver.

We know that her husband thinks, according to Sarah, thinks

they should bring their son to Kansas.

But has her husband asked his parents what they want?

Is he afraid to ask?

Is he too shy to ask?

If they know that the grandparents would prefer that their grandson come to Kansas, then that's one thing.

But you need to find out first.

It is reasonable to ask them what is convenient.

And it is important, especially when you are relying on grandparents for help, to really be open and communicative around what works for them.

And by the way, One Bad Mother, you can hear it every Thursday on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

And you should hear it there every Thursday on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcast, because it's great.

Yeah, totally rules.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket when we come back in just a minute.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This week, we're clearing the docket.

We've got something to hear from Justin.

He says, my wife Pam and I wrote a heavy metal song about our cleaning lady.

The song is called Miriam the Destroyer, and we sometimes sing it around the house.

Our four-year-old has now started singing it, too.

Pam thinks we need to stop singing the song because our kid will inevitably sing it in front of Miriam, who we adore despite her sometimes breaking things.

I think it's possible to keep singing our song, but we need to be discreet.

She requests that you issue an injunction on the singing of this song.

Well, Jesse, I'm just going to say that maybe this is a really funny song, right?

Maybe this is the most funny and clever heavy metal parody song of all time.

Even more so than Three Little Pigs by Green Jell-O.

Yeah.

I'm going to say it's the great.

Not only is it a super funny heavy metal parody song, but it intrinsically rocks.

Because I don't want the quality of this song to be part of the consideration of the ethical nature of this song.

Because even if this song is an awesome rocking song, it is wrong.

Miriam is an actual person who is doing work that you do not feel like doing.

She's not a funny character to write a funny song about.

I'm sorry, she breaks or destroys things from time to time, but that's part of the built-in cost of hiring help of any kind.

If you have someone do something you don't feel like doing, they might break a thing, whether that's, you know, knock over a vase in your home or miscalculate something on your tax return.

And the given probabilities, the likelihood is that she's probably someone who makes less money than you do.

And she's probably someone who comes in from a different background, maybe a less privileged background.

And so Pam is right.

It would be bad if your daughter sat in front of Miriam.

That would be mortifying for you.

And it would tip off Miriam that not only do you not think of her as a whole human being with dignity, but also she would know that you have inadvertently trained your daughter, who doesn't know any better, to think of Miriam and people who do the kind of work that she does as jokeworthy.

And I know that's not your intention.

I know that you adore Miriam, but

adoration is less important than treating another person with respect and dignity, both in front of and behind their back.

So

that song goes in the vaults.

So, Judge Hodgman, audience, we often hear letters in response to rulings from the podcast, but we have one here that is a letter responding to a ruling you wrote in the New York Times column, Judge John Hodgman, which appears in the newspaper, The New York Times.

The dispute was about whether or not a couple should be compelled to hide their squatty potty, which is like a little stool that goes at the base of a toilet, when they have guests over.

Judge Hodgman, what was your ruling?

So to clarify, as you point out, a squatty potty is a kind of

a special toilet footstool that helps you evacuate when you are a-pooping.

Heavily advertised on Howard Stern and presumably podcasts that are more popular than ours.

Because I would love to get some of that squatty potty money.

You know what I mean, squatty potty?

Come on.

I'm ready to talk about this thing.

I think it's a great product.

But they have two of them in this household, this couple that wrote in to me.

They keep one upstairs and one downstairs.

And the downstairs bathroom is the de facto guest bathroom when they have people coming through.

And the husband wanted to put the squatty potty in the tub behind the shower curtain.

And I said that that was a good idea, idea, that you should hide that squatty potty when you have guests over.

But someone wrote in and said I was wrong.

And his name is William.

What does he say?

As a longtime listener to the podcast and reader of your mini column, I was shocked, shocked, to read that you encourage poop shaming.

Obviously, the buzz marketing of the squatty potty was a bit of a faux pas, but that's no reason to shame the users of this remarkable device.

Should people also hide their bidets?

Make sure their dandruff shampoo is out of sight?

Where does it end, Judge?

One who poops at a party is no party pooper.

It is the one who poo-poos a perfectly normal bodily function who is the pooper.

And that pooper, sir, is you.

Did Monty Belmonte write this?

Gosh.

P.S.

I do handy person work in New York City, and I rely a great deal on people being okay with me using their home bathrooms.

So this one struck a bit of a nerve.

Well, William, may I say thank you for your service as a handy person.

You are a whole human being with dignity and an obvious human right to poop and pee.

Now that we've said that, Jesse, do you have an opinion?

Are you on William's side or my side?

It's not a side choosing.

What do you think?

John, I have such strong squatty potty opinions.

Okay.

Say them, but please don't jeopardize our possible sponsorship with Squatty Potty.

That's all I ask.

First of all, I believe in a comfortable restroom experience.

I believe in being able to rest in that room.

I believe in fancy toilet seats.

Yeah.

And indeed, I believe in base of the toilet stools, which do, in fact,

encourage the natural processes in which one engages regularly in that room.

It's good for poopin'.

I'm not shaming the Squatty Potty or its users.

It's good for poopin'.

In fact, squatty potty, here's a new catchphrase for you: it's good for poopin', says Judge John Hodgman.

Get me a check.

Go on, Jesse.

I will say that the stool in my own primary restroom

is also a stool that my children occasionally use to stand on to access the sink because they're short.

Sure.

And it is from a popular Swedish furniture retailer.

Right.

And the main reason is not expense, but simply that it doesn't say squatty potty in big letters on top of it, which I find unpleasant to look at.

And I wish

there's a variety of different squatty potty designs.

I would love one that only says squatty potty on the underside or something.

Because as great a product as it is, I am a little uncomfortable looking at the phrase squatty potty while I'm using the bathroom.

It sort of infantilizes and minimizes the important work that's being done.

Let's put it that way.

Yeah, look, whoever named this product had a hard job.

It's got to be able to be used on radio and television.

It's got to be

not make people uncomfortable, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I don't blame them.

I'm just saying for me personally, I would rather not have that brand prominent in text in my home.

Can I say, though, also?

It's not a potty.

It's not a potty.

The potty is the pot.

You call it a stool stool.

It's perfect for stools.

Are we just getting to the part of the show where we sing the song Stool Boom from Waiting for Guffman?

I wish I could remember it, but my head is cream cheese.

I mean, I remember the tune, but I don't know the words.

The part I remember most vividly is they're like, working, working, never stopping, never

working, working.

Some for selling, some for keeping.

Okay.

So you don't like the name squatty potty.

But I do.

If I had one and used one, hiding it is a lot.

I mean, I'm not saying they can't, but it feels like a lot.

Well,

with great respect to you, my bailiff, and with great respect to William and the hard work he does doing stuff that other people can't or will not do, I do stand by my ruling, and here's why.

I had to explain, as you did, to our listeners, what a squatty potty is, because we know instinctively.

Not everybody knows.

Lots of people do.

Lots of people listen to Howard's turn.

It's getting in there.

It's in the zeitgeist.

You have a good stool in your bathroom, right?

Because it's just a generic Ikea stool, which can be used for the purpose of the squatty potty, but also can be camouflaged as kids standing up on the sink stool, and you have little kids, and that's fine.

And I agree with you completely that a restroom should be a place of rest, should be an extremely comfortable room.

But I do believe that there's a difference between a private-facing bathroom, say

if you're in a home with more than one bathroom, a private-facing bathroom, say the one that is closest to your bedroom, right?

On the second floor, for example, versus a public-facing bathroom, which is the one de facto bathroom, which, if not specifically a guest bathroom, is the one most likely to be used by guests.

And I certainly do not shame these people for using the squatty potty, and I encourage them to have a squatty potty in every bathroom that they want.

I just simply advise that they not put a special defecation stool in their guest bathroom when people are coming over for a party, because some people are going to know what that is.

And that will just lead them to picture their hosts sitting down and squatting and pooping.

And then some people won't know what it is.

And the next thing you know, they'll be coming out and going, Hey, what's that stool for in the bathroom?

And then your cocktail chatter is revolving around, oh, well, you know, we poop in interesting ways.

Can I top off your negroni?

I just think it's awkward.

If it's easy enough just to toss that thing into the bathtub and close the curtain, I, as a guest, would feel it more gracious when I have to use the bathroom that I not be invited to speculate upon the poop habits of my hosts or be confused about why there is this weird stool there.

That, I think, is the obligation of a public-facing bathroom, whether it is in a home or in a public place.

You know, that you keep it clean, you keep it tidy, you create the illusion that no one has ever pooped there before in their lives.

But, William, I appreciate your handy personing, and you are a person of true dignity.

And good luck finding a place to poop.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H.

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You can check out the Max Fun subreddit at maximumfund.reddit.com to chat about this episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

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