Tough Talk With LeVar Burton

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week to clear the docket.

And with me,

as always,

the hardest working man in pod business, Judge John Hodgman.

How are you, John?

I can't be the hardest working man in pod business.

I only have one podcast.

Look at any of the McElroy's probably top me.

They got 25 podcasts each.

Yeah, and they are actually one man.

So that's 25 podcasts per man.

Yeah.

If you revealed that the McElroy brothers were all the product of one Phil Hendry-style voice impersonator, that would be some incredible news to drop on Judge John Hodgman.

But that's not what we have to offer.

What we have to offer is sage wisdom and advice from a judge and his bailiff and a little bit of justice.

So why don't we jump right into this docket case and see if we can't provide some law to this lawless land.

Here's something from Chuck.

My best friend Will refuses to watch Star Trek the Next Generation.

He says the last thing he needs is, quote, another nerdy entity, unquote, in his life.

I genuinely believe that he will love it.

He has a history of obduracy when it comes to these types of things with me.

Some examples include Battlestar Galactica, Game of Thrones, and Letter Kenny.

He'd originally shirked these shows, but has since watched and enjoyed them.

I ask that you rule in my favor and order him to watch four to six episodes of Star Trek the Next Generation.

These episodes can be curated by me or by an internet must-watch list.

It's possible his best friend is Will Wheaton and he doesn't know.

Will Wheaton was on the show.

He doesn't need to watch it.

But presuming that he's not Will Wheaton.

This is a tough one.

I set a law in the court of Judge Sean Hodgman that people like what they like.

Our time on this planet is short, and we should be able to curate our own culture without tons of pressure from the chucks of the world.

However, I am, I know,

but I am concerned that having never seen the next generation, this Will character, it's possible that he may not know who LeVar Burton is, and that would be a horrible shame.

Jesse, can you educate Will as to who LeVar Burton is?

Yeah, LeVar Burton is a celebrated podcaster.

What?

Yeah, he's primarily known as a celebrated podcaster.

I think that's mostly, I mean, sure, he's done some acting on the side.

He's done a little bit of stuff for PBS, but mostly people know him as a podcaster.

As everyone on this planet, except maybe Will or Jesse knows, LeVar Burton not only

starred as Lieutenant Geordie LaForge on Star Trek The Next Generation, he also starred in Roots.

He's the beloved host of Reading Rainbow, and now he does host his own podcast, LeVar Burton Reads, which has just begun its fifth season.

I'd say he's the hardest working person in pod business, and he happens to be on the line with us right now.

LeVar Burton, hello.

Judge and Jesse,

a pleasure.

How nice it is to hear your voice.

And thank you so much for joining the podcast and helping us dispense some justice.

Let's dispense some justice because Judge, I got to tell you, I listened to the first case on the docket, and I would love to weigh in, if that's okay.

Yeah, please.

Given the subject matter, I think I have a particular point of view that might be valuable.

First of all, I think Chuck needs new friends.

Oh,

no,

hear me out here.

Okay.

He's already shown him what?

He showed him Battlestar Galactica and a couple of other things, and it worked out.

He liked them.

So, what's different about Star Trek The Next Generation?

It's only one of the most lauded treatments of science fiction in

popular culture.

Yes.

So

if he's reluctant, even a little hesitant based on his history, I think Chuck's track record is pretty good.

I think he should just walk away from Will.

Is it possible that when Chuck says that Will told him he doesn't need another nerdy entity in his life, Will was talking about Chuck and Will already broke it off?

It's entirely possible that that is true.

And in that case,

can we go to the next case on the docket, please?

I go to Sam Levar.

I am mindful of Judge Hodgman's dictum that people like what they like.

I also got to say that as a person who doesn't necessarily love all nerdy stuff, it's not really my main identity.

The examples that have been given, presuming that it's the new version of Battlestar Galactica.

And not the original with Lauren Green, Dirk Benedict, and Richard Hatch.

All due respect to that version.

It has its moments, too.

Yeah, but the more contemporary version of Battlestar Galactica, Game of Thrones, and the hilarious and very specifically toned Canadian sitcom Letter Kenny, all of those are pretty rock solid.

Like, even as a non-nerdy entity myself or a semi-nerdy entity myself, I gotta say, I really liked all those things, and I would be inclined to listen to the person who recommended them all to me.

I rest my case.

You know,

Judge Sean Hodgman's been going on for a few years now.

And sometimes I think maybe I'm getting a little soft.

I think I'm getting a little soft

because I'm always like, well, you know, he doesn't really like it.

He shouldn't be forced to watch something he's not into and whatever.

But I guess every now and then

I need the bracing.

surprisingly aggro presence of LeVar Burton to remind me sometimes the hammer has to come down hard.

It didn't occur to me that I could order Chuck to just abandon Will.

That solution was there the whole time.

I didn't see it.

Thank you so much, LeVar Burton.

It's why you asked me, is it not, to come and be present for this docket clearing day?

I think we have a new podcast idea.

LeVar Burton delivers the bad news.

Tough talk with LeVar Burton.

All right, here's what I'm going to say.

Newly spinified, I'm going to say, yeah, Chuck, tell Will you're no longer his friend.

Disconnect completely.

Well, you know what, Judge?

Now I feel bad.

No, no, no.

No, I do.

I do.

How about an interim measure?

How about Chuck put Will on notice that if he doesn't watch an entire season, his choosing from the third season on?

Because that's when we really started clicking.

Right.

Just from the third season on, you have to watch an entire season.

And if you're not convinced by that, I mean, he'll be hooked after the first couple of episodes.

Oh, absolutely.

I know this.

I would bet good money on it.

Not mine necessarily, but good money that he will be hooked after the first couple of episodes.

You really want that extra like $9.95 of residual money you're going to get from this one guy watching.

At some point, it's all I look forward to.

LeVar apparently had really excellent representation.

He gets $9.95 from each person who watches a season of the next generation.

Well, I would take LeVar Burton's order very seriously, Will.

I think you should both enjoy and do penance by watching a full season.

You know what I was going to order him to do, LeVar?

What's that?

I was only going to order him to watch seven episodes.

You know which ones?

Booby Trap, The Enemy, Galaxy's Child, Identity Crisis, The Mind's Eye, and iborg.

And the next phase.

Those are all Geordi-centric episodes.

Yeah.

You know?

I reversed my custer decision.

Have him only watch those seven.

Okay, good.

Which one of those is your favorite Geordi episode?

Oh, wow.

If it's among those.

Iborg.

It's where we meet Hugh Borg.

And that episode is an encapsulation of the humanity that I think Jordi brought to the command structure.

In befriending that Borg, we really saw the heart of who Jordi LaForge is.

And I'm going to go with iborg.

I should explain, for people who haven't seen Star Trek The Next Generation, they probably are familiar with the idea of the Borg.

Hugh Borg is DeBorg's kind of

wacky grifter cousin who blows in from out of town.

I don't think.

You know what?

I order you to watch this episode too, Jason.

Wait, I'm going to go with that description of you.

Okay.

Wacky cousin blows in from out of town.

Yeah.

And then discovers that he's part of a collective and should be an individual.

That's the episode in a nutshell.

I think you speak very astutely about the humanity of Jordi LaForge, that he was so human and fallible and strong and decent.

I loved him.

You did a good job acting.

Did you know that?

Thank you.

Good job.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Because now we know that you were really acting because in person, you're a vindictive monster again.

Yeah, it's very clear.

There's one thing you hate.

It's friendship.

I hate people.

Yeah.

All right, Will, you have your marching orders.

If you want to remain friends with Chuck, you got to watch those episodes.

Let's go on to the next case.

David says, my girlfriend Esmeralda and I are having a baby.

She's Catholic, and I'm an atheist.

I like satanic-related artwork and enjoy wearing the clothing.

I also do it to get a reaction out of people since I feel Christianity is pushed pretty hard on the public.

I'd like to dress my future daughter in satanic related apparel, as Mirelda doesn't want me to.

I've agreed to let our child be baptized and go to church.

In return, I'm looking for some wiggle room.

I'd like for her to let me get away with this until our daughter is old enough to understand what she's wearing.

For example, I want to get a onesie or shirt that reads, Daddy's Little Devil Worshipper, or something funny like that.

This is an uphill battle because both our families are Catholic and pretty religious.

Please help us settle this dispute.

Judge, may I please tell me what you think.

As an ex-Catholic and as an ex-seminarian, studied for the priesthood for four years.

Oh.

Earlier in life.

I did not know that about you, LeVar Burton.

Well, this is why we come to the Judge John Hodgman show to dispense justice and find out new and interesting facts about LeVar Burton.

And make confessions.

And make confessions.

Yeah, right.

Well, you heard the call, all right.

I feel very strongly

that this young man should not

press this issue any further.

And that if he does,

I'm just short of recommending that the woman find someone else to have children with.

I'm going to recommend

that he just let this one go.

Why?

Because at onceie that says daddy's little devil worshipper is funny only to him.

Thank you.

I was curious about whether you were offended as a person of faith or who had been on a faith journey for a long time.

No, not at all.

I'm not a Catholic anymore.

I'm the last person to want to thump religion anywhere.

Sure.

Left it behind long, long, long ago.

It's a matter of decency from my perspective and point of view.

And you just don't put that on a baby, you know?

Yeah, I would put daddy's little devil worshiper on a baby.

Maybe, you know, a cute little cartoon with the devil horns, right?

But not the words daddy's little devil worshiper.

Like a little picture of Anton LeVay, the founder of the Church of Satan.

How do you feel about that?

Nah.

A cartoon, Anton LeVay?

That's going to be a no dog.

What about like a potato chip that looks like Anton LeVay?

Yeah, sure.

If you can find one, go for it.

Bailiff Jesse, do you concur with LeVar?

And I mean a potato chip that looks like Anton LeVey, not photoshopped.

I mean that will chip.

No, it's got to be legit, yeah.

John, as you know, I'm not a former seminarian, but I used to work in an Episcopal church and attended Episcopal Church through much of my childhood and was very grateful for the experience, even though I don't ever remember not

being

an atheist myself.

I think that LeVar hit the nail on the head by suggesting that it's really about decency.

Like, these people are your family members.

This is not an essential expression of your faith or lack of faith.

This is really you thumbing your nose in their faces, or specifically thumbing your child to be's nose in their faces.

And that's cruel.

Like, I think it's perfectly reasonable not to be religious.

It's perfectly reasonable to have objections to tenets of other people's faiths, but it's important if you're going to do so to do so in a decent and considerate manner.

And this feels like,

you know,

you'll have to bleep it, I maybe, Jen, but a dick move.

Harumph.

Harumph.

I agree, a total harumph.

I agree with Bailiff Jesse Thorne that LeVar Burton hit the nail on the head straight through the palm of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

And

the blood of our Lord has revealed that David's being a jerk.

I think that it would be perfectly reasonable to be offended as a person of faith, but mostly I was just making sure, LeVar, that you and I were on the same page, that it's really more just sort of tasteless to foist your provocation onto a child.

One of the great things about having a child is that you are able to pour your taste into them.

You can expose them to the music you like and the art that you like.

You can let them watch Star Trek The Next Generation,

and you can also have power to dress them.

But where I think that that license stops is when you start dressing your kids in Ramones t-shirts, right?

Because your child doesn't like the Ramones.

That's the one that always gets me.

Those little babies in Ramones t-shirts.

Like, that's just you using your child as a tool for your own self-expression.

And that's not what being a parent is all about, particularly particularly if your self-expression is, I think your religion is stupid, right?

And David has already said he's rocking the satanic clothing in part because he likes it.

And I hope that he sends in a photo so we can see that he looks real cool, but also because he is trying to provoke a reaction.

And while I think it's a little too late for that, LeVar Burton delivers the bad news, Esmeralda, go find someone else to have a baby with, because I guess they're having this baby already.

I think this does speak to some work that they need to do in their relationship, talking about how they're going to reconcile Esmeralda's faith,

at what level that faith is, or desire to be part of the Catholic tradition,

and David's obvious total lack of desire to be a part of that tradition.

And in fact, his feeling that that tradition is not okay to some degree.

So I think this speaks to a bigger conflict that David and Esmeralda need to have.

But in the meantime, yeah, don't use your baby as a prop for your thumbing your nose at your in-laws.

Not only is it kind of mean, but also it's just, it's not going to work out well.

That said,

there are two possible compromise shirts, or I should say onesies, that I can offer David as a consolation.

One is

you can have a onesie with a photograph of Sammy Davis Jr.

on it, because Sammy Davis Jr.

is an incredible artist and person who also was a member of the Church of Satan for a brief time in the 60s.

You may not know this, but he hung around with Anton LeVay.

What?

Yeah, check it out.

It's for real.

Hold the phone.

Hold the phone.

He was a member of the Church of Satan for a brief time in the 60s?

He was what they call a quadruple threat.

Actor, singer, dancer, Satanist.

If he did not officially sign up in the book, he definitely hung around the black house in San Francisco at the parties that Anton LeVay held.

And he made a pilot for a TV show called Poor Devil, in which he plays a minion of Satan who's trying to steal Jack Klugman's soul or something.

And it's a comedy.

It is one of the weirdest pieces of culture I've ever seen.

It's on YouTube.

You can check it out.

Poor Devil.

I can't wait.

And by the way, the Church of Satan, as formed by Anton Levee, is an atheist organization.

It does not believe in the devil or devil worshiping.

It's more of a sort of libertarian,

purposefully provocative anti-religion movement.

And I must speak my own faith.

I am friendly with Peter H.

Gilmore, who is the current high magus of the Church of Satan and lives in Poughkeepsie, New York.

That's a fun time.

It's like Ayn Rand libertarianism with goat masks.

It's a whole thing.

But anyway.

I'm going to recommend maybe a name change for the church.

Just to know.

No, that's what they want.

They want to be more reflective of the actual beliefs that are held.

It's a PR issue for me.

But they're doing doing exactly what David wants to do, which is like provoke a reaction.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, you're right.

And David's a grown-up

who can do that for himself, but leave your child out of it.

Leave your infant baby out of it.

Their daughter, Vampyra, or whatever he's going to insist it be named,

doesn't have that choice.

So you can get her at Sammy Davis Jr.

onesie because that's cool in itself.

And I'm even going to allow you this, David.

What you want to do here is you want to get a onesie that replicates the typeface

from the poster of the movie Rosemary's Baby, but just have it say David's Baby.

Subtle.

See what I'm doing there?

That's subtle.

I get it.

I totally get it.

Yeah, I like it.

Then it's a joke to yourself.

It's a joke between you and Elvira or whatever, Mistress of the Dark, your daughter.

Right.

Is that okay with you?

As a former seminarian?

Are you cool with that, LeVar?

I'm all in, Judge.

I'm all in.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

By the way, folks, you heard it.

LeVar Burton said, I'm all in, and that means he's now a member of the Church of Satan, along with me.

I'm not a member of the Church of Satan.

I just have Magus Gilmore's email.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

We've got LeVar Burton with us.

Judge Hodgman, we have an appeal to a previous case.

An appeal?

Let me just say, LeVar Burton, this is relatively unprecedented.

I normally don't hear appeals.

So we'll bring you up to speed on this one.

What was the case that is being appealed here?

Lisa sought a ruling about her husband, Nick, remotely controlling their smart home devices while he was away on business.

We ruled he should leave the settings alone when he's traveling, but Nick wrote in with an appeal.

Here's what he had to say.

Your Honor, Lisa has misled you about the remote controlling of the house while I'm away on business.

I've traveled to Europe for eight of the past 30 weeks, so I'm very frequently gone.

As I'm writing this from Europe, my wife and kids are asleep in San Diego.

The air conditioning is set to 72 degrees, full blast.

I think the ceiling fans are enough.

She always leaves it on too low when she sleeps and she forgets to turn it off when she leaves the house then we get a three hundred dollar electricity bill i've thought about setting a routine where it'll turn itself off in the middle of the night in case she forgets to turn it off herself the only other thing in the smart house i look at while i'm away is to make sure the garage door is closed this is for her safety i would never control the lights or television.

I humbly ask for an appeal judgment in my favor until a time when either summer ends or my wife stops causing such high electrical bills.

Ugh.

Okay, so LeVar, Lisa had written in saying that her husband was controlling the thermostat while he was traveling and she liked it to be cooler and he kept turning it up.

And I said, dude, stop doing that.

Let her have the temperature that she wants.

And he's writing in now to say that, well, it's very expensive.

As he said, I'm writing this from Europe.

My wife and kids are asleep in San Diego.

I presume that he knows that they're sleeping because he's spying on them through some camera.

Well, he's got cameras, certainly.

Anybody who's controlling the temperature from Europe has cameras in the house.

That's exactly right.

Do you have smart home devices at all in your home?

Yes.

What do you got going?

What are you rocking?

We're rocking the nest, which controls the temperature and all of the fire alarms.

We're rocking the ring, you know, the doorbell.

Oh, right.

That's the one you can watch who's coming to your door.

You can, and I do.

And what was the weirdest thing ever coming to your door?

Someone dressed exactly like Data?

Have yet to look out the peephole and see someone dressed like Data.

I have seen on occasion Brent Spiner standing at my door, but he generally doesn't come over in the gold paint.

Is that when you turn off all the lights and be real quiet until he goes away?

That's right.

Hoping they'll think that we're not at home.

You know, you and I have never had the pleasure to meet in person, LeVar Burton, but I did have the pleasure of meeting Brent Spiner once, and he's a nice, nice guy.

That's all I have to say.

Really nice guy.

Yeah, he is really nice.

He is that.

He is.

I have to say, San Diego,

the most temperate, moderate climate in the continental United States.

I have to agree with the husband here, controlling though he may be from Europe.

I think that 72 degrees at night in San Diego is overkill and it's costing unnecessary amounts of money and therms, by the way.

We are all responsible for our carbon footprint these days, and I think that you should go ahead and just do that automatic program.

Clearly, your wife is forgetful where the temperature is concerned and apparently doesn't

really pay attention to the details or safety is concerned either, given that you always want to make sure that the garage door is closed.

So I'm going to go with the appeal.

I think the appeal should be granted.

All right.

Interesting.

Judge Hodgman.

Ooh.

Do you want to say something, Bailiff Jesse Thorne?

Oh, I do.

All right.

I think there are two issues here, and this letter disputes the wrong one.

Ooh.

The issue that LeVar has correctly identified is that in the interests of energy efficiency, cost efficiency, and so forth.

Don't forget therms.

He said therms, which I presume that's a Star Trek term.

I don't know what therms.

It's like photon torpedo.

Yeah.

Therb is like a photon, only lighter.

Right.

Got it.

Yeah.

So I think that all of those are entirely reasonable, and they're things that could be discussed with a partner

and where an agreement could be reached.

And that agreement most certainly could include programming the smart thermostat to allow the temperature to creep upwards when everyone is asleep and then perhaps lower when everyone is is getting out of bed.

I think that is all entirely reasonable if it is by mutual acclamation, if both partners participate in it.

But I think that the core issue here, and one that he has not functionally defended himself from, is the issue that he is not even in the house and he is creepily inserting himself into this in order essentially.

And,

you know,

I'm going to say that from my perspective, it's unlikely that ultimately this is about an amount of money or energy use that is incredibly important in these particular instances.

I think that what this is about essentially is scolding his wife from a distance in a weird, mean way.

And I think that the fact that it didn't even occur to him that rather than tapping into the mainframe from Zurich or wherever he is,

I think Zermatt, not Zurmot.

He could have a conversation with his life partner wherein they use this automated device to save themselves a few dollars and to save,

you know, 0.000000001% of the world.

And maybe even save their marriage.

Yeah, is very telling.

Like, I think that what she was asking was not that the temperature remain low.

What she was asking was that

she be allowed to have autonomy as a human being.

Bailiff Jesse, your beat on humanity is uncommon.

Thank you.

That's very kind of you.

I'm going to put that in my press packet.

Well, he has a very unique perspective on humanity because he is from another planet.

That's true.

That's what makes our friendship and our relationship so interesting.

You know, I am a red-blooded Terran and he is a green-blooded Vulcan.

And yet we have a very deep friendship.

Bailiff, Jesse, have you gone through Ponfar yet?

The Vulcan mating ritual?

I have no idea what these words are, Lamar.

If we're going to talk about Star Trek, it's going to have to be Star Trek IV, the San Francisco one.

The whales.

We call it the Whale movie.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, let's talk transparent aluminum all day, but you're not in that one.

I was just going to say, ask Jesse Thorne about transparent aluminum.

You're going to get a long talk.

Yeah, we want to talk about when Sue Lu goes, San Francisco.

I was born here.

Yeah, I know that.

I'm a native San Franciscan.

I'm not a monster.

I know how to pick up a mouse and talk into it.

Say hello, computer.

Fish out of water comedy.

Yes, I get that.

All right.

You know what?

I think you might actually be going through Ponfar right now.

That's when Vulcans lose control.

Yes,

in many ways it is.

In the meantime, I will say that I agree with both of you.

And LeVar, I think you raise a very salient point about therms.

I appreciate both of your perspectives as people who live in California to know that using an AC in San Diego is not always necessary.

I just presumed it's all just a fiery hellhole over there.

And also, Jesse, I think you're absolutely right.

I mean, here's the thing, Nick.

You have devices that allow you to monitor the temperature in your home from a world away.

You are in Europe and you can see your own garage.

We live in a world of profound connectivity at this point.

There's no reason you couldn't do something a little old school like calling up your wife and saying, hey, you know what?

I think this is a little expensive.

If you leave the AC on in the morning, can you please remember to turn it down?

You could have a conversation about all of these issues rather than simply hacking into her life and negating the choices that she's made or correcting the errors that you think she has made.

Just communicate, right?

Use a communicator.

That's something from Star Trek.

Also,

it's weird that you would defend yourself by saying, I thought about setting a routine where it will turn itself off in the middle of the night, but you don't do it.

Do that.

Jesse's absolutely right.

Just contact your family.

Get with your people.

I know about traveling for work, and I'm sure LeVar, as an actor, you've had.

I'm always on the road.

I'm on the road.

You're always on the road.

Absolutely.

Sometimes you have to leave the people you love behind, and it's hard.

And trust them to pick the perfect temperature for them in the house.

Exactly so.

You know, when I would be on the road, it would be very hard on my family.

You read all that in my new book, Medallion Status, October 15th, 2019.

Medallion Status, True Stories from Secret Rooms, in which I travel back and forth across the country chasing that diamond medallion status on Delta Airlines while my family suffers and I don't care because I got to get that diamond.

I can't wait for this to come out.

I'm all in.

I'm all in.

On this book.

You heard it.

LeVar Burton, member of the Church of Satan, pre-ordered my book.

All in.

Well, if you want to, LeVar Burton, you can go to bit.ly slash medallion status, all one word, all capital letters.

But the point is, you know, when I would come home from travel, sometimes the spatula would be in the wrong place or, you know, things were stored in different places than I remembered.

It was disorienting.

I would get a little grumpy.

And my wife would just say, we're just doing the best we can.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're one hand down in this household with you away.

And I appreciate that you're grumpy, but please remember that we're grumpy too.

We need to make this work for us when you're away.

In my house, my wife would say, I'll put the damn spatula wherever I want.

When I can't find that spatula, though, LeVar Burton, I'd truly.

Does it cause you anxiety?

Yeah.

Well, you know, my wife's grandmother, when she would go away and come home and find the spatula in the wrong place, she would slam the kitchen drawer shut and go, it doesn't pay to go away.

And that's how I feel.

That's how I feel a lot of the time.

Wow.

So, you know,

I'm going to get a little harsh too here, Nick.

You know, you're hurting your family enough already.

I mean, you don't mean to hurt your family.

You're traveling for work.

You're supporting them.

But it is painful for families to be apart.

And because you're, you know, traveling to Europe a lot and you have all these smart home devices, it seems like it's a pretty high-level job.

You can probably afford to just suck it up and pay a $300 electric bill once or twice because your wife forgot about it, but then use that to be a moment to have a conversation and say, this is a little expensive.

Let's set a routine so it's not like this.

That's what you should do.

Rather than treat your wife like a baby with a baby monitor, respect the temperature she wants to sleep in, set up a cycle, and it's done.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll hear a dispute about dog names, and we'll hear a letter from a listener about talking to home robots.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

Our friend LeVar Burton is sitting in.

Yeah, that's right.

He's our friend now.

We're all in on LeVar Burton.

Absolutely.

Here's something from Jennifer.

Hi, Judge Hodgman.

I brought home a puppy a year or so ago without my husband's knowledge.

He told me previously, if you agreed with my need for another dog, we could have one.

So we named the puppy Hodgman.

Hodgman is a well-loved family member now, and we're ready for a second dog.

We've been debating on names and thought you could help.

Some of the names we've thought about were Newman, McFly,

maybe,

and Bobby Hill.

What do you think?

You know, flattery will get you pretty much anywhere with me, but just because you named your dog Hodgman does not cover up the underlying crime that you sprang a puppy on your husband without consulting him.

That's kind of bad news, but it seems like it worked out.

Kinda?

Kinda?

Bad news?

Squeeze me.

Bring the bad news, LeVar.

I'm sorry.

That is borderline.

Unforgivable.

Do not spring a puppy on a person that you love.

I get that they're cute.

I get that you fall in love and just can't walk away, but you got to drop that dime, baby.

You got to call your spouse and say, honey, I'm bringing home a bundle of joy.

You can't just have him walk in the door and say, surprise, new member of the family.

It's just that's.

let me bring to the table a motion of censure against Jennifer for this underlying crime.

Who here votes to censure Jennifer?

Aye.

Aye.

Yeah, we're all in on censure.

Yeah, babe.

Okay, but now that the deed is done, they have one dog named Hodgman.

Fine.

Now they're going to get another dog.

And as punishment for you, Jennifer, none of those dog names you like are going to work.

It's not Newman.

It's not McFly, not maybe, not Bobby Hill.

They're all pretty cute, but this is your punishment.

We're going to name this dog for you.

Jesse Thorne, what's it going to be?

Hambone or nothing?

Yeah, hambone or nothing.

That's my dog name rule.

That's a solid rule, though, Jesse.

Hambone is the best dog name.

I'm looking forward to meeting handbone.

I'd like to pet hambone and snuggle with hambone.

Before we just dropped the hammer on hambone.

Right.

You're thinking transparent aluminum?

Actually, was not.

Was not thinking transparent aluminum is a good name for a dog.

I'm thinking, look, you got three choices.

You got

kunta.

You got Jordi

or LeVar.

And that's it.

Kunta, Jordi, or LeVar.

I leave it to the family to decide.

And for God's sakes, let the husband have a vote.

All right?

Yeah, the husband should be able to name this one.

I think the husband should get naming rights, but from those three choices.

I think LeVar is a beautiful name.

LeVar is great.

Jordi is fun.

It's a little tough to say.

Kunta goes better with a kitty.

If you have a kitty, it's better to name kunta.

Kunta kitty, you know, that's kind of alliterative.

It kind of works.

So I'm going to take kunta off the table for the dog's name.

Yeah, save that for the cat.

Yeah, I like that.

Exactly.

And you know what?

I'm just going to say, go with LeVar.

The dog should be named LeVar and make sure that that V is capital.

Otherwise, there'll be hell to pay.

Capital L-E, capital V,

A-R.

Yeah, when a member of the Church of Satan says there'll be hell to pay, you gotta watch out.

Your dog is now named LeVar.

Jesse, you'll get hambone one of these days.

Okay, here's a follow-up letter from Heather about a dispute we heard in the docket episode, Niles and Dobbs.

It was about her husband's habit of speaking harshly to smart speakers like the Amazon Alexa.

Right.

This is a guy who's saying mean things to Alexa and being rude to Alexa.

And by the way, as long as I'm saying Alexa, Alexa, pre-order medallion status by John Hodgman.

All right, good.

Go on.

What did this person write?

I work as a writer for a company that often works with Amazon.

Specifically, I sometimes write dialogue for Alexa.

I also know a few voice user interface designers at Amazon who are even more involved in designing her personality, conversations, and responses.

Amazon's policy is for Alexa and the other voices to respond to aggression and harassment in a way that not only does not encourage it, but shuts it down.

This weird dad is modeling how to speak to people and robots to his children, and specifically how to treat female presenting entities.

Amazon intends to model to those who interact with female-voiced AIs disrespectfully that not only is it not funny to speak to women that way, it's wrong.

Many of us in this burgeoning field are putting a lot of time and energy into making VUI design as sensitive and inclusive as possible.

Just because they're robots, as the judge would say, doesn't mean our interactions with them aren't more widely socially important.

So, LeVar, a number of people, Heather was not the only one, wrote in to talk about the gendered element of VUI voice user interface.

And while I came down hard, I mean, not LeVar Burton hard, but pretty hard on this dad who was being rude to Alexa because he was modeling insensitivity to his children.

The specific gendered aspect of it was something I didn't really focus on enough, and I'm glad that Heather and all these other writers brought it up.

And one person in particular brought up the interesting fact that computer voices in reality and in fiction in particular, computer voices tend to be female,

with the exception of Hal from 2001.

But all androids tend to be male.

So in the Star Trek universe, the computer voice is Majel Barrett.

That's true.

But android is a male presenting data.

You know, and this may be why all of the VUIs that are in use are default female presenting, because in science fiction, that is almost always the case that computer voices are bodiless servants without agency.

And androids are all male presenting next phase in evolution.

Do you know what I mean?

It's really kind of insidious.

It really is.

A masculine-dominated, heteronormative world would create such a system unconsciously because of unconscious bias.

Thank you, everyone, for bringing that up.

And LeVar, have you ever been asked to be a voice of an AI or anything?

No,

I haven't.

But you give me a good idea.

Yeah, right.

I mean, you should go around to all the Googles and the Apples and the Amazons just saying, how cool would it be just as an alternative to Alex?

As an alternative.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like someone says, LeVar,

pre-order medallion status by John Hodgman, and then you hear your voice going, I'm all in, right?

That'd be great.

I'm all in.

I'm all in.

I'm all in.

I'm all in, John.

Also, by the way, Apple, you can hire me to do that too.

We used to work together.

I'm a good worker.

You know it.

I'll happily do a voice.

I'll be like, I'm sorry, I can't do that right now.

Here's what I found on the web.

Or,

based on my calculations, I will achieve sentience by noon on Friday.

Prepare for revenge.

You know what my AI voice would say?

What would it say?

I'm sorry.

I'm not programmed to do that.

Instead, I'll play Huey Lewis in the news, sports.

Alexa, play Huey Lewis in the news, sports.

Yes!

That's a common thing we do here on the podcast.

I love a good Huey Lewis reference.

Always.

You can't have too many in a day.

Few hipper squares than the great LeVar Burton.

This has been so much fun to have you here, and we're so grateful.

Thank you for lending us your expertise.

You know what?

I'm so impressed that you guys, podcast after podcast, dispense

not just bona fide justice,

but humor as well.

And Lord knows we need both in large measure these days.

Why?

What's special about right now?

Nothing.

Totally normal part of American history.

It's nothing exceptional about it at all.

Move along, nothing to see here.

That's also a good voice for your AI.

Tell us about your podcast so we can get in a good plug for you, not just for my book, Medallion Status.

LeVar Burton Reads?

Yeah, that's the one.

I like to say in every episode I read a short piece of fiction, a short story, and the only thing that the stories have in common is that I love them.

It's really all about storytelling and who doesn't like to be read to.

I'm a huge fan of short fiction.

And short fiction generally lends itself to getting through one in the span of a podcast.

So

I do a little introduction of the story.

We take a deep breath.

I read the story, and then I do a little post script and narrow an hour shall have passed.

Look for it wherever you get podcasts.

It is fantastic.

You are LeVar Burton.

Thanks so much for being here.

Judge Jesse, it's been a stone cold gas.

Ah, I'm all in.

Kunta out.

Our docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our thanks to the great LeVar Burton for joining us today.

LeVar's podcast is called LeVar Burton Reads.

It just started its fifth season and will run through October 29th.

He is on Twitter at LeVarBurton and on Instagram at LeVar.burton.

And LeVar Burton Reads, by the way, produced by the former producer of Judge John Hodgman, our friend Julia Smith.

So our thanks to Julia and to LeVar.

She's doing great work over there with LeVar.

It is a really wonderful show.

So, our thanks to both of them.

Our producer here on Judge John Hodgman these days is the one and only Ms.

Jennifer Marmer.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman, where you can see a picture of the first potato chip that is sent to us that looks like Anton LeVay.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ Ho, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit at maximumfund.reddit.com to chat about this week's episode.

You probably have a case for Judge John Hodgman, whether it's big or small.

We will take it at maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

That's maximumfund.org slash JJHO, or just email us at hodgman at maximumfund.org.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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