Yankee Boot Swap

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me, the Italian stallion, John Hodgman.

Northern Italian, very northern Italian, practically Slavic.

It's true, though.

You know, my people, my father's people, come from Udine, Italy.

Oh, that's lovely.

I know.

It's a town in the very far northeastern corner of Italy.

And I visited Venice for the first time last year, and I realized I was like a 30-minute train ride from Udine, my father's mother's ancestral home.

And I decided to blow it off because Venice is too wonderful.

Venice is great.

I didn't want to get a train ride to look at a town that doesn't remember me.

Go see Venice before it sinks.

Udine will always be there.

That's my travel tip for the week.

Jesse Thorne, how are you?

How much injustice do we have set before us today?

Oh, we've got a ton of injustice, and I think we should get right into it.

Here's something from Alex.

My fiancé and I are getting married in five months, and we haven't decided where we're going to live.

My mother recently gave us the offer of staying with her to start off our marriage.

Well, this proposition appeals to me.

My betrothed is very against it.

She says living with my mother and nine-year-old sister

will result in us being treated like children.

She also believes the beginning of a marriage is a crucial time to grow together and solidify independence.

While I understand and agree with her position, I believe the financial aspect of this arrangement would be valuable in getting started off on the right foot.

Is either of us thinking about this irrationally?

No, you're both perfectly coldly rational about the question of whether you should start your married life at your mom's house.

Yeah, a real couple of spocks over here getting married.

Pure logic.

Look, I think I know where you're coming from on this, Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

You're voting for no on this scheme?

Yes.

I mean, there are circumstances in which I could imagine saying yeah.

I could imagine worse things.

Yeah, of course.

But they don't seem to be from the question truly indigent.

It seems to be a matter of convenience.

or just, you know, a little extra money saving, not a matter of necessity.

Yeah, it is presented as a choice.

They haven't decided where we're going to live.

Now, look, if you can't afford to live in the town where you're getting married, if you've hit some hardship or you just don't have your money together yet in order to get a place of your own, and you have to live with your mom or your dad or your mom's or your dad's or your uncle or whoever it is.

You know, you got to do what you got to do in life.

You may want to rethink whether you're ready to get married because marriage is as much a financial partnership as it is an emotional one.

But, you know, you got to do what you got to do.

I get it.

But I'm with you, Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This is not presented as a situation where, you know, we got hacked and lost all our money or we have so much student debt or

the house that we were going to rent burns down and the landlord disappeared and we don't have any money anymore.

It does not seem like an emergency.

Or for that matter, a situation where we come from northern Italy and this is normal there.

Right.

And my mom wants us to respect our cultural traditions.

Yeah.

But even if your mom was a northern Italian nana who wanted you to move into her beautiful home in Udine, the Hodgman ancestral place.

For convenience, we'll call her Strega Nana.

Strega nana.

And the advantage of staying with her is unlimited pasta.

I know.

And breadsticks.

Yeah.

But, you know, even if your Udine nana was saying, come live with me, this is expected to be a good son.

I would advise you, don't live with your mommy.

Your mommy's trying to take advantage of you.

She wants you to take care of her and not your wife, not your family you're starting.

Not that you have to take care of your wife.

Your wife can take care of yourself, but you get what I'm saying.

It divides the emotional attention of your life at the time you should be focusing and enjoying your new exclusive partnership that you just forged.

Your wife to be.

is absolutely correct.

This is a critical time,

I quote, to grow together and solidify independence, unquote.

And I hope what she's also saying to you straightforward is, I don't want to live with your mommy.

And you shouldn't want to live with your mommy either.

If you have to, great.

But you are taking a step into adulthood.

And part of taking a step into adulthood is to really take that step out of the house.

And while I trust that your mommy has her heart in the right place and is just trying to support you two crazy kids,

The real support that she should be offering you is the emotional support to give you the courage to find a place that you can afford, even if it's a little bit lower than the standards you're hoping for, so that you can start your new life together as grown-ups properly.

I'm not saying she needs to give you money, but just encourage you to leave that nest.

She's got a nine-year-old at the house.

She's trying to get you to do her babysitting.

She's tricking you.

Don't let your mommy trick you.

Get out of the house.

Come on.

Sorry, mommy.

Here's something from Angela.

When I go to large chain coffee shops, I always bring my own reusable travel mug.

My cup holds up to 16 ounces, but I usually order a small, which is 12 ounces.

Sometimes the baristas don't pay attention to the size I ordered and fill the cup all the way, giving me a little extra for free.

Is it okay for me to order a small, knowing they'll probably make me a medium-sized drink?

My mom knows that I do this and will order a medium for me if we're together.

I have never and would never do this at a smaller coffee shop, but I don't feel like large chains need my money as much.

Here's an idea.

It's kind of an advanced philosophical concept.

So take a minute, all right, and maybe get out your dictionaries.

Ready for it?

Do not lie.

Do not lie.

Sometimes you have to lie.

Sometimes you have to avoid the truth to spare a person's feelings.

There are lies that are morally acceptable, but when you have an option, don't do it.

Don't lie.

Don't lie to people.

You're stealing coffee.

I don't care that's a big chain.

Ripping off Starbucks for 50 cents to a dollar

does not make it right, nor does it hurt fatuous billionaire vanity spoiler candidate Howard Schultz.

He's not the CEO anymore.

Learning that you lied to get extra coffee, lying lying by omission by not pointing out the mistake of the barista, but learning that you lied would only lead Howard Schultz to entrench himself on his belief that millennials are lazy and do not deserve health care.

Mommies are not just trying to trick grown sons to live with them in order to get free babysitting for the nine-year-old.

Mommies are often right, and your mommy is right.

Just be honest.

When you go in there and you present your mug, good for you, saving the earth, just say, I need a small.

This cup holds a large.

Please don't fill it all the way up.

And then you know what that barista do?

They're going to fill it all the way up because they hate where they work.

Then you get all that extra coffee.

You don't pay as much as you would normally, but you did it in good faith.

The barista is happy because they got to hurt the place they work.

You're happy because you got extra coffee.

You both soaked the rich.

And you did it all in good faith.

Live your life in good faith.

Do not lie.

Yeah, I think it's a cousin to the

is soda water free debate.

Yeah.

Which is to say, if you are concerned that it is not free, probably your misgivings have some basis.

And so you can just say out loud to the person who knows the answer

what you are wondering.

You can say, hi, can I have a small?

Just so you know, this is a 16-ounce cup.

The cost to the

coffee shop of an additional four ounces of coffee is negligible.

The costs in coffee shops are not the volume of bean water.

The costs are real estate and service.

The goal is to get as many cups of coffee out the door as possible because they have to pay for high traffic real estate and relatively highly trained workers and so on and so forth.

You know, coffee is free money in and of itself.

It's just that you have to make a lot of $4 transactions to cover your costs.

Jesse, I didn't know you knew this much about the coffee shop business.

I read a great article about it one time and I've thought about it ever since.

Like the main thing about having a successful coffee shop is turnover.

Like the reason that Starbucks is so successful relative to

independent coffee shops or has been in the past 20 years is essentially that Starbucks has built a system that

encourages people to think of the coffee shop as like a local place to hang out, but

also sells almost all of its coffee to a long line of people who are quickly processed and quickly leave.

You raise another dimension to this.

This is absolutely cousin to, a very beautiful turn of phrase that you said, to the debate of whether soda water, it's okay to get free soda water out of an unsupervised fountain soda dispenser in a fast food chain.

And the answer to that is, it's okay if they say it's okay.

Like, just ask them, is this free?

Yeah.

Good.

Thank you.

But the impulse there and the impulse in Angela's case is that it's not that people just want a little extra coffee or they feel that they're sticking it to this big chain or

meeting out some social justice.

or taking advantage of a loophole in the system.

They want it to be wrong and they want to get away with it because it's fun.

It's fun to think, oh, I came up with an interesting way to get a little extra, a little something else from me.

And I get it.

You feel like it's a heist.

A little bit like a heist.

A little bit like

you're dodging electric eye laser beams to get to the safe and to crack it and then to distribute the money to the poor or whatever.

John, you don't have to explain heists to me.

I'm a weapons expert.

I'm sorry.

We already have a weapons expert.

Oh, geez.

We need Don Chead.

Armor, is it you?

We need Don Cheadle with an accent.

So, you know, here's the thing, Angela.

I know you're having fun, but you're doing something that is morally hard to support because it makes you feel good on some level.

Makes you feel good to be ripping off this chain coffee house because you said, I would never do it at a small coffee house.

Well, let me tear that Lochivore badge right off your jean jacket.

Because if that's how you feel, just go to the local coffee house and pay the right amount of money.

That's how you should live your life if you want to be ethically consistent.

And if you want to be ethically consistent, if you do go to the chain coffee shop, inform them of your intentions.

Okay, sorry to get so mad at you, Angela.

It's not that big a deal.

It's not that big a deal, but listen to your mommy.

That's all.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

With me, Judge John Hodgman.

Here's something from Christopher.

My girlfriend Jenny wants to put up photos of ourselves in our apartment.

I think decorating with photos of oneself is vain and aesthetically uninteresting.

However, for her birthday, I surprised her by hanging a 17 by 23 inch wall frame with seven subframes of varying size.

I also offered to print and mat any photos she chose to fill it.

This was three months ago.

Despite reminders, she has never gotten around to picking photos, so the frame just hangs there, displaying stock images of sunflowers.

Oh, for shame.

Oh, Christopher actually put it up.

Okay.

Yeah.

I've pointed out the empty frame to all of our guests, which I admit has been entertaining at my partner's expense.

You presume it's been entertaining.

But I would rather hang another piece in that space.

I request the judge order the frame removed and prohibit photos of us as decor.

I'm open to pretentious art photography.

I feel I've given my partner sufficient opportunity, and her lack of action demonstrates she may subconsciously agree with my aesthetic sensibility.

Well, your choice of words has certainly convinced me.

You seem like one smart man.

So I spent a little time before we started recording here, Jesse, going through and cutting down some of the litigant letters and just, you know, just making them, you know, snappy and brief and to the point.

And I looked at Christopher's

two long paragraphs, and I'm like, I got to cut this down.

But then I realized I wanted every single word in.

I could not cut at least that last line

in which Christopher claimed to be able to read Jenny's mind.

In which Christopher claimed that her lack of action demonstrates she may subconsciously agree with my aesthetic sensibility.

Wow.

Jenny's inaction, Christopher, does not mean she secretly agrees with you.

That is a magical magical thinking.

You do not know nor control her thoughts.

Jenny is busy, I bet.

Three months is a short time in the scheme of things.

It's not a long time to pass by.

A person could very reasonably not get around to a photo framing project in that time, especially if it's a photo framing project that they did not choose but was foisted on them in the form of a quote-unquote present.

To quote my young neighbor in Maine, who received at a Yankee swap over the holidays,

bulbs to plant, you know, flower bulbs to plant once spring came.

He goes, great, you're basically giving me a job as a present.

Finally, I've received the greatest gift of all, homework.

Yeah, exactly.

One of the greatest jokes I've ever heard a 13-year-old make.

I myself, you know, I'm a busy person.

I do everything as quickly as I can, but I was just reminded

that the New York State license plates changed color from the really dopey white and blue with a Statue of Liberty in the middle to a really cool retro orange and black.

And I was so excited that I called, or

I URLed the DMV right away to request my replacement license plates.

And then they're in the back of my car.

And I have yet to...

turn the four screws that were eight, I suppose, for front and back that would be required to replace the license plates.

And that has been going on for seven years.

Things don't happen in everybody's quickest time frame.

And maybe she does not want to use your passive-aggressive frame.

Maybe she doesn't appreciate that you hung this thing without her request or desire.

Maybe she doesn't appreciate that 17 by 24 is not large.

It's pretty small.

Not a lot of photos can fit in there.

I think she's getting the message.

It's 17 by 23.

Oh, excuse me.

Even smaller.

And maybe she does not enjoy you pointing out this empty frame to your friends so you can all laugh at her.

Maybe she doesn't want her aesthetic, which is equally valid to, if different from yours, put into a sunflower stock photo ghetto that you passed off as a gift.

She wants to put pictures of you two together up in your apartment.

I get that it's not your thing, but honor the fact that she wants you in her life, even though I can't imagine a reason why right now

so no christopher you may not use this frame to shame or mock your girlfriend anymore nor may you retract her birthday present you can't you're talking about taking back her birthday present because she didn't hop to

that thing stays on the wall until she chooses to fill it and she should fill it with whatever photos she want i think she should fill it with photos of you in the nude I think she should fill it with photos of you sleeping

with things written on your face in Sharpie.

Or she can get rid of it and use that space as she sees fit.

But that is her wall now to put up whatever she wants.

She's another wall.

Sarah says, this dispute is between my husband and myself.

We have 11-year-old identical twin boys.

There's uncertainty about who's the oldest.

Mm-hmm.

This is awesome.

We're pretty sure son A is the oldest because of comments the doctor made during delivery and the note on the hospital's bassinet.

Also, he's called son A.

It's kind of a giveaway.

Go on.

But son B is listed as older on the birth certificate and in the Dr.

Seuss book in which they star.

When someone asks who's the oldest, we will usually answer we don't know.

and share this anecdote.

Great.

I'd like a definitive answer on who is the oldest and who's the youngest.

Sure.

Why not reject joy?

Go on.

But my husband enjoys telling the story and doesn't think we have to know who's oldest and who's youngest.

Our twin boys do not feel very strongly one way or the other now, but I believe that over time they will.

I'm very excited, Jesse.

It's not very often that I get to say on this podcast,

Sarah, your husband is absolutely right.

He's totally right.

Husbands, husbands, husbands, husbands.

You know, it is a precedent on the show show that in heteronormative

married couples, husbands tend to be wrong.

There's no causality to it.

There's no specific linkage between being a cis male married husband and wrongness.

It's correlation, not causality.

But I have a lot of data points, and husbands usually come up with systems and schemes and obsessions that they trouble the people in their lives with until they have to write to a podcast to resolve it.

But the boot is on the other foot now, Sarah, because why?

Why?

Who cares?

It's a Yankee boot swap.

It's a Yankee boot swap and I'm giving you homework.

Which is change your mind.

I mean, if you are saying that son A and son B

were themselves fascinated by the idea that one of them might have been removed from your body first.

And they want to know which for sure.

And they wanted you to go do do that detective work, I would support that mission.

Too bad, husband.

But the story of not knowing for sure, there is genuine ambiguity here.

The birth certificate says one thing, the bassinet says another thing, the doctor's offhand comments

support one contention.

That ambiguity makes for a great story.

And stories are often more important than mere facts, especially when the fact is the slenderest of split hairs.

If your sons want to find out eventually, they can do that detective work.

But in the meantime,

live in that ambiguity.

Enjoy the fact that you have identical twins.

You guys should be getting into pranks right now.

You guys should be tricking people.

This is the prank time of your life.

This is the prank time you and your son should be, you know, doing magic tricks.

Like in the prestige.

Spoiler, I guess.

You know, know not worrying about who's just a few minutes older and not worrying on your son's behalf if they don't care

Jesse Thorne am I wrong on this or do you agree with me

I agree with you entirely I agree with you that these 11 year old twins are in their pranking days when they are green in judgment and cold in blood

but The only point of difference I have with you is that all of this seems to presume that this question is somehow answerable.

And like, I'm not saying that they don't have access to Monk or Columbo or whatever, but how would you find this out?

There's two possible sources of documentation.

Are they going to go to the hospital and be like, give me your personnel records from 11 years ago?

I demand to speak to the orderlies, and they should have memories of two identical twin newborns.

I can't even tell.

You're right.

You could give me two newborns, one of whom is African American and one of whom is Asian American, and I would struggle to tell the difference between them.

There is like no there is you could give me two newborns, one of whom is assumed to be a a boy and one of whom is assumed to be a girl, and I would have a hard time telling like newborns aren't very different looking, much less identical twin newborns.

How could they possibly know the answer?

If no one was actively keeping track.

You're absolutely right because and I hadn't really considered this dimension fully because

if you were saying, Sarah, that you have two pieces of documentation, the bassinet on the one hand and the birth sticket on the other hand, and you knew that there was a third piece of documentation that you could find

that might clarify or corroborate one of the two.

Surveillance video.

Perhaps.

Maybe everything was audio recorded, like in Lyndon Johnson's office.

Right.

Then I guess I could say, go ahead and in the spirit of Walker Percy, it's better to know than not to know and just get that document.

But absent that, I think it's a wild goose chase and one that at the end of which you just get a wild goose.

And we all know geese are terrible and they bite you.

Don't try to pet a goose.

Don't try to figure out which one of your sons is older.

Don't worry about it.

Enjoy your identical twins.

Make them wander hotels and tell people to play with them forever and ever and ever together.

Can we call going on a wild goose chase petting a goose and like make t-shirts that say, don't pet a goose?

I think we can make t-shirts.

I mean, I think it should be a governmental PSA.

I think it should be printed on posters and put in the subways.

Maybe the posters could also have like, I'm just spitballing here, but like Laura Bush and Mr.

T?

Yes, of course.

Don't pet a goose.

You know what you do?

You do the more you know PSA, like on NBC, you get quest love to be walking on a field going, hey kids, don't pet a goose.

You get beak injuries from their beaks.

Questlove and like Leah Thompson from Caroline in the City.

Yeah, sold in the room.

Wow.

Yeah, that's a show I want to watch.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll hear about the Italian language and a punch up for a joke heard on a recent episode of the podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lom.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

With me, as always, is Jonathan Silverman from TV's The Single Guy.

This week, we're clearing the docket.

Here's something from Michelle about the case Small Names Court.

He's an Italian listener and had some thoughts about Mara and Adam's last name.

Let me tell you first that you got everything right, from Italian history to the pronunciation of the name Pelletieri, but I'd like to specify some things.

One, it's true, as the judge said, that Italy wasn't a unified country until the 19th century, hence the many languages spoken in the area.

But there's absolutely no question on how to pronounce Pelletieri.

Different local accents can give different stress to the word, as I'll demonstrate in the audio clip I've sent, but the pronunciation is pretty much the same.

I know Americans have their own rules on how to pronounce names, but I have to say regretfully that all the pronunciation options for Pelletieri offered by Mara sound horrible to an Italian speaker.

So here is the clip of Michelle

sharing with us their pronunciation of Pelletieri.

So this is how in standard Italian accent you're supposed to pronounce that surname.

Pellechieri.

Pellechieri.

This is how I would pronounce it with my local accent.

Pellechieri.

Pellicieri.

And this is

my

fake, God forgive me, Sicilian accent.

Pellecchieri, Pelleccieri.

As you can hear, they're not that different.

He He didn't do it how a Dracula would say it.

How would a Dracula say it, Jesse?

Pelletier.

I got to say, I got some major ASMR off of that dude.

I think I'm going to be programming that to play over and over again as I fall asleep tonight.

You know what it reminded me of, John?

I used to, when I was in middle school, my school taught Japanese as the foreign language option.

And the one thing that I do remember is we had these cassette tapes that our teacher would play for us called Rapanese.

Oh, no.

And it was supposed to help you remember things.

And I guess it did because 25 years later, I still remember, beer, good aasai, can I have a beer, please?

I love that a class of middle schoolers were trained on how to order a beer in Japan.

And it wasn't even like, like the beat wasn't even like that like classic fake rap beat that sounds like, you know, the drums from a Rundy MC song.

Right.

It was like, do, boop, do, do, boop, boop, doop, boop, ba, doo, boop, ba, doo.

It's like a little shuffle.

I thought you were going to say that she played you Mr.

Robato by sticks.

Beeru, kudasai.

Could I have a beer, please?

The best part about that is it encourages you to say it in English directly after you say it in Japanese.

That's traditional, right?

In Tokyo?

It also reminded me of this.

Most things remind me of a radio commercial that used to play during Giants games when I was a kid.

There was one for these Spanish language tapes that were supposed to

trick you into remembering things in Spanish using fun.

And

they would go, you know, to find out what time it is in Spanish, you only need two letters.

And then the lady would go, two letters?

Tell me more.

And the guy would go, K or a S.

K.

Or

S.

What do you want to say?

No, I know K and S are letters, but what is aura?

I mean, I know it's

a letter.

Well, you need one of two letters, K or a S.

Oh, I get it.

Our S.

I get it.

Well, this is the very last Judge John Hodgman podcast ever.

I'm not even finishing this episode.

I'm walking out right now.

Thank you for all of the

good times, everybody.

Goodbye for everybody.

We hear Judge Hodgman at his local tavern.

Beautiful.

Can I have a beer, please?

Hard day at work.

Don't we have another letter to read?

Yes, we do.

Eric wrote in about the obscure cultural reference from Double Hisdemeanor.

Remember that the riddle, what do you get when you cut an avocado into six times 10 to the 23rd,

had the answer, guacamole.

Now, listen, if you didn't hear this episode, let me explain that this was a desperate cultural reference I found.

It involved a woman who worried that she was allergic to avocados and cats, and I couldn't come up with a cultural reference for it.

So I just googled avocados and cats, and I got this meme of a cat wearing a bow tie and glasses in front of a blackboard with a lot of chemistry equations on it.

And it was this riddle.

What do you get when you cut an avocado into six times 10 to the 23rd power?

The answer being guacamole.

I did not understand the riddle at all.

I got it right and didn't understand it.

I thought the joke was just you're cutting it into a lot of pieces.

And when you cut an avocado into a lot of pieces, you get guacamole.

Right.

And I had to ask Jonathan Colton, my friend who used to subscribe to Omni magazine when he was a kid, so he knows all about science, what I was missing.

And he pointed out that

this meme, this cat with the glasses and bow tie and the and the lab coat, is a meme called chemistry cat.

And people put chemistry and other sort of mathy sciencey jokes on top of this cat.

And he pointed out that six times 10 to the 23rd power is a number known as Avogadro's number, and that somehow that made a joke out of

if you cut an avocado into that, you get Avogadro's number, and that has something to do with guacamole.

I still don't get it.

But that's the premise.

So go ahead and read the letter that Eric wrote in.

As you stated, 6.022 times 10 to the 23rd is known as Avogadro's number.

You called Avogadro a mathematician, but I think he would have been called a natural philosopher in his lifetime.

May I just stop right there and just say that sentence automatically nominated to the Pedantry Hall of Fame.

Put it in for 2019.

It's number one for 2019 so far.

You called Avogadro a mathematician, but I think he would have been called a natural philosopher in his lifetime.

Jennifer Marmor, producer Jennifer Marmor, that's number one with a bullet.

We'll see if anyone knocks it out of position before the end of this year.

Continue reading.

Thank you.

This is the segment of the show, Letters from the 14th Century.

If he were alive in our modern time, he would be known as a chemist.

Avogadro's number is known as a mole, which is a count similar to a dozen.

So like just as a dozen is a type of word.

He's saying that it's also that type of word.

Okay, I believe you.

This is not a funny joke, partly because of the difference in pronunciation of guacamole

and mole.

I think the joke is slightly improved if the punchline is a mole of guac.

It is a coincidence that avogadro and avocado sound similar, but this is not really present in the way the joke is presented.

The similarity of these sounds is unrelated to Avogadro's number being known as a mole.

So you're telling me

that our nation's finest humor technicians have not been working on this Avogadro's number gag?

I appreciate Eric's letter for the extra information that it provided.

I definitely appreciate his supporting the contention that I've not lost my mind, but in fact, the joke makes no sense and is not funny.

So thank you for that.

I am now left with another question.

Why is this Avogadro's number?

Why does he get a number?

This seems like a pretty rando number, by the way.

6.022 times 10 to the 23rd power.

Like, that's his number.

Guess what?

6.023 times 10 to the 23rd power?

That's the Judge John Hodgman number.

It's named.

Go make up a meme about it.

Hey, Jesse Thorne, here's a riddle for you.

Okay.

It's not a riddle.

It's a joke.

Man, because he crawls when he's born.

Okay,

so you've heard that one before.

This isn't a question asked by a Sphinx.

This is a riddle posed by a cat wearing glasses and a bow tie in front of a chemistry blackboard.

It's another chemistry cat joke.

The lab smells like rotten eggs.

Question mark.

Sorry to hear about your sulfuring.

Helium walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender said, sorry, we don't serve noble gases.

Helium didn't react.

Hey, don't riddle me that, the Batman.

It's not even a riddle, but here we go.

The last one.

I just got them from the internet.

Look at Chemistry Cap, everybody.

I don't know who gets this one.

Are we just doing car talk now?

Yeah.

Just reading jokes our uncles emailed to us.

Yeah, if that's the secret, I'm going to do it.

Oh, so you say you're a 10, huh?

Maybe on the pH scale, because you basic.

Read the credits.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Our writer is John Hodgman's cursory Google searches for chemistry joke.

Chemistry joke.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judgejohodgman tweets, hashtag jjho.

And check out the maximum fun subreddit to discuss this week's episode at maximumfund.reddit.com.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

I just want to take this opportunity to say, John, it's been really great being friends with you these past 15 years or so.

I really appreciate all you've done for me and in my life personally and professionally.

And I'm sorry that it had to end this way with you reading internet forward jokes about chemistry on our show.

When I heard oxygen and magnesium were dating, I was like, OMG.

I'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

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