The JJHo Old Timey Newsreel

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, we're in chambers clearing the docket.

With me, as always, the hardest-working judge in show business, Judge John Hodgman.

Actually, I'm not sure that's true as of this week.

I can think of one other judge who is working real hard.

Let's not talk about that.

Oh, you're talking Waffner, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Judge Judy had to put out, speaking in Judge News, we only have good Judge News here on the Judge John Adjutant podcast.

In Judge News,

Judge Judy Scheinland had to put out a tweet saying, if you're buying skincare products that have my name on it, those are fraudulent.

I am not releasing.

So those of you who are listening to this podcast because you love Judge content, who might be fans of Judge Judy and you might have gotten some Judge Judy face cream or serums of some kind.

I regret to inform you that those are knockoffs.

I regret to inform you that if you are out there listening to this program and you've purchased Judge John Hodgman brand skincare products, unfortunately, those are real.

Absolutely real.

Yes.

It's a real licensed product.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to say right now.

I have, you know, I have released one person, I wouldn't say personal care product, but a personal vanity product, which is, of course, my my gender is a construct gender-free cologne

that was part of my John Hodgman's Ragnarok survival kit and DVD super pack.

And I just want people to know that

those are still available

at my merch page at tapatico.com.

And if you're really hard up for a skincare product, you can use the mayonnaise package.

No, don't, but this is what I'm saying.

If you get the survival kit, which includes a DVD of one-man show, Ragnarok, that was on Netflix but is no longer.

So this is the only place you can get it.

You get clippings of my own mustache that I clipped myself.

You get cologne and you get survival mayonnaise.

But as soon as you get this thing, take the mayonnaise and throw it into a lake.

That would be pollution.

Don't eat the mayonnaise and don't put it on your face.

It's too old.

Even shelf-stable mayonnaise, I don't trust it to be good.

But I think the cologne is probably still good.

And that is endorsed by me.

So you can go to maxfunstore.com and get all of that.

But meanwhile, we've got justice to serve.

Do we not, Jesse?

We do.

Here's something from Michael.

I've been listening to your show for weeks with my podcast player set to 1.5 times playback speed.

But I recently had to reformat my phone, and I can't seem to get the faster playback setting back.

I listened to your podcast today for the first time at regular speed, and in my opinion, it's a completely different show from the sound of the gavel to Jesse's staccato guffaw.

If you haven't tried this before, I recommend you do.

My question is, should I continue listening to Judge John Hodgman at regular speed or should I bump it back up to 1.5x?

You know, I had never listened to our podcast at 1.5x.

I know this is a very popular thing that podcast listeners do, Jesse.

They want to get through them.

They want to.

I'm keeping it chill here.

Oh, serenity now.

All right.

I can tell you have an opinion.

I decided I would go in there and take a listen to it.

it.

And, you know, it's fun.

It's fun to listen to you and me talk real fast.

I'm not a fast talker normally, but this really made it sound like the Judge John Hodgman old-timey newsreel.

It's like, this is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules.

That is all.

I could see how someone could enjoy that.

And then I also listened to us at slow speed, which is I don't know why.

Well,

to each his or her their own, I suppose, but why you would listen to it slow.

I would want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

But I found it to be terrifying.

It sounded a little bit like we liked beer, if you know what I mean.

When Judge John Hodgman moves from maximumfun.org to the Houston rap label Swish a House,

I would say we should probably chop and screw it and just release it at half speed.

But until then, that's a weird way to listen to the show.

Now, I'm not as an aficionado of raps as you are.

Is Swisha House known for its slow, laconic beats?

They're known for chopping and screwing, which is to say, taking regular speed songs and reducing the speed, which is particularly enjoyable when you're in certain altered states, from what I understand.

If you like beer.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

Let's say if you have a severe cough.

Right.

You have an opinion, though, on this, do you not, Jesse?

I have a passionate opinion.

Would you please share that opinion?

My opinion is that if you are listening to a podcast

towards some educational end,

such as, for example, you are learning to code

or you're trying to remember all the presidents for your sixth grade history test.

In that case, if your goal is to fit as much learning

as many things into an allotted amount of time that you have for listening, then go ahead and listen at a faster speed.

There are utilitarian reasons to listen to podcasts, and I don't want to be the one standing in between them and you.

However, if you are listening for enjoyment,

a podcast does not become more enjoyable the faster it is.

Getting more of a podcast in a short period of time does not mean you enjoyed yourself more during that period of time.

There's no reason to do it.

And this is quadruply true of a comedy podcast where almost everything other than certain wordplay is completely ruined.

Now, you say that, Jesse, but Michael raises a point of your distinctive, dare I say, signature laugh.

And you say you can't enjoy things more at faster speed, but do you know what your laugh sounds like at 1.5x?

Alvin and the Chipmunk song.

Sounds like this.

Is that a teletype machine, maybe?

You sound like a cheery cricket.

I have gotten so upset about this that it has alienated listeners before.

I feel so passionately about this issue.

Like, just you wouldn't watch a movie at one and a half speed.

You know, like, if you're doing it for fun, there's no need to speed it up.

I'm worried that you are alienating listeners.

I think you've alienated Michael.

I can hear him right now burning his Zune in protest.

And you know how quickly he's burning it?

One and a half times as fast.

Here's what I'm going to say.

Michael, listeners, Bailiff Jesse Thorne, of course, is correct.

It is not my intent for you to manipulate my voice.

We are presenting this to you at the judicious pace at which it is designed.

And comedy, which is what this podcast is partially about, is about

timing.

This is not some rat-at-tat-tat 1920s screwball comedy, hyper-verbal back-and-forth reparte.

It's about listening and weighing and judging.

So I agree with Jesse that I hope that you would take the time to spend the time with us and listen to it in real time as it was meant to be seen.

But, you know, sometimes I think back to that time that I was flying Air Canada and I had to watch Fullmetal Jacket on a 5x5 screen.

That's not how that movie was meant to be seen, but I enjoyed it.

It was what was available to me.

You have to do what's right for your schedule, but I would ask you, Michael, please endeavor to listen to at least the new episodes in real time.

The old episodes, like prior to 2014, you can treat them like old-timey newsreels.

This is the South of Gabriel.

Judge John Hodrin rules again.

I mean, I would be willing to record a Max Fun member-only version of this podcast where we just talk in a newsreel voice the whole time.

If you want me to be like, Meg says, my boyfriend Corbin misuses the word barbecue.

He lives in London, Ontario, and apparently is okay with referring to the act of cooking over a direct flame as barbecuing.

Like, I'm down for that.

I'm ready for that.

Let's do the rest of the docket.

At least your part.

In those voices.

I hail from the American South, and I know that barbecue refers to the act of slow cooking meat using indirect heat.

Please tell Corbin to use the correct terminology when referring to preparing meals.

Oh, that says meats.

Oh, this is the case.

Yeah, this is the case.

I'm in and I'm on it.

Life moves fast when you're on 1.5 times.

All right, here we go.

Let me clarify here.

Meg's boyfriend Corbin, who lives in London, Ontario, talks about cooking over direct flame as barbecuing.

She's from the American South and knows that barbecue refers to the act of slow cooking but using indirect heat.

I should order Corbin to use the correct terminology.

Do I have that right?

Yes.

Well, Merriam-Webster defines barbecue as to roast or broil on a rack.

Okay, we need to stop doing this.

This is bad for the audience.

It's bad.

We're going to get nodules.

Should I do it real slow so Michael can speed it up and then it sounds normal?

Merriam Webster

defines barbecue as one to roast or broil on a rack or revolving spit over or before a source of heat, such as hot coals.

That's what the dictionary says, Jesse.

You know what I say about the dictionary?

Specifically, the Merriam-Webster dictionary?

What do you say, John?

They call a hot dog a sandwich, so they are not allowed.

Oh, wow.

Sorry, Emily Brewster.

Emily Brewster, who's been on this podcast many a time, she works at Merriam-Webster's dictionary.

She knows how I feel about this.

She is out there on Twitter.

I'm convinced it's her personally, but it could be someone else at Merriam-Webster on the Twitter account for Merriam-Webster.

Any chance they have a chance to say that a hot dog is a sandwich, they do it, and they do it, I'm convinced,

to annoy me.

That's like, you're only the dictionary.

Don't play around.

You're only discrediting yourself as a reference source, Merriam-Webster, when you put that falsehood out there.

And also, they're absolutely, Merriam-Webster is absolutely wrong.

about barbecue.

It is not to roast or broil on a rack or revolving spit over or above a source of heat.

Barbecue means indirect, low heat, smoking.

You put the meat in one chamber, there is a tube from another chamber.

In that other chamber, there is fire.

Smoke and low heat indirectly wafts through the tube, into the cooking chamber, over the meat, and then out through a chimney.

That is what barbecue is.

A venerable way to cook meat, of course, is to put it on a rack over hot coals or on a spit over hot coals or dangling from a string next to fire, but that direct radiant heat that's grilling or roasting or broiling, it's not barbecue.

It's not barbecue.

Even in Canada, you get that Corbin, stop it, knock it off.

And, you know, if it sounds like I'm mad at Corbin because I'm projecting because I hate myself, it's because, yeah, in New England, a region of the United States, everyone calls grilling barbecue.

And I grew up that way with that non-truth in my head.

And I have worked really hard to correct myself in the future.

I know what is true.

Merriam-Webster, you go in the lake.

What do you think, Jesse?

This is why Australians famously say, skew it on the grill.

Skew another shrimp on the grilly?

I know he's not Australian.

Can I just say something?

Yeah.

Rhys Darby is wonderful.

Oh, yeah, he's great.

He's from New Zealand, right?

Yeah, he's a New Zealander.

He's a kiwi.

He's a kiwi, but boy, I was just watching the Flight of the Concords again, and Rhys Darby, those scenes with him in the office, that's the greatest.

Anyway.

I would like for more fans of Tycho Waititi's recent film, Thor Ragnarok, the other Ragnarok, to check out his wonderful films,

Things We Do in Shadows and Boy.

Boy, this particularly lovely film.

And

the Wilder People, which was just spectacular.

That is an an incredible film.

Just talking about great New Zealanders here.

We're going to take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfund.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

John, have you been eating off your made-in

plates and bowls lately?

Are you talking about my world-famous entree bowls?

Yeah, I'm talking about entree bowls, but you know what?

It's okay to put a more voluminous

appetizer into those bowls.

I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you what.

I've got made in regular plates.

I've got made in salad plates.

I've got made in regular bowls.

And then I got these entree bowls.

And you know, I got the entree bowls.

I specifically asked for them for the holidays, for my wife was a whole human being in her own right because

our children grew up and moved away.

And that means all we do is...

eat dinner in front of the television.

And if you're sitting on a couch, there's no better way to eat your meal than out of an entree bowl.

It's like a big dinner plate, but it's curved on the sides.

So you have some protection.

It's the ultimate eating vessel, particularly in soup season.

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It's made to look good and it's made to work good for both the pros, like Tom Calicio and Brooke Williamson and all the other professional chefs who use it in their professional kitchens, and for home cooks like me, like Jesse, like Jennifer, and all of you.

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I said it before, and I'll say it again.

I will never go to another kitchen retailer for any piece of equipment, be it knives, tableware, glassware, cookware, everything that I've ever touched from Made In.

Not only does it work great, but I want to touch it again and again.

For full details, visit madeincookwear.com.

That's m-a-d-e-in-cookware.com.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Now, Jesse Thorne, did you see me a couple weeks ago on

Have I Got News for You on CNN with Roy Wood Jr., Amber Ruffin, Akila Hughes, and Michael Ian Black?

No, that was a murderous row.

Of course I watched that.

I love topical humor.

I was on that show, and you know, the first thing that happened

when

I got on set was people said to me, what a great outfit.

And you know how I knew they were implying?

Because I was wearing Quince.

I was wearing my brand new, most beloved wide whale royal blue denim style jacket.

Denim, like a denim jacket cut, but it was made out of this soft wide whale corduroy.

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And that's not to mention the 100% record I have getting compliments on my cotton PK over shirts.

That's not to mention that I just got a notification on my phone that the pants that I ordered from Quince are on their way yes i'm going head to toe quince you know why because i like getting compliments and i get compliments every time i wear their wonderful clothes especially now that it's getting a little chillier outside these are warm wonderful soft and yet sharp and snazzy clothes that i can wear in the fall and then later in the winter then later i'll do something for the spring quince delivers every time with wardrobe staples that are designed to carry you from this end every season and the best part is that by working with top artisans and cutting out the middleman quince gives you this luxury clothing experience at about half the cost of similar brands.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This week, we're clearing the docket.

I thought you said, no, it's okay.

What's good for the bailiff isn't good for the judger.

Say to get it out of my system.

Here's something from Kayla.

I recently emailed a preview of an art project I've been working on to my friend William.

His response was, sweet, looks pretty good.

I responded with a pithy, pretty thanks, to show that I took notice of his addition of pretty before good.

He says that pretty good is actually better than a plain good, and that I shouldn't have taken it negatively.

I feel that pretty good means sufficient but not impressive, and comes off as dismissive.

I'm fine if William thinks my work is only pretty good, as there's no accounting for taste, but I would like him to acknowledge that pretty good is not a compliment and for him not to use it as such in the future.

Well, Jesse, I have to go to the barbecue hospital.

Do you know why?

Why is that?

Because I got an intense heat rash from the indirect heat from Kayla's incredible burn.

Pretty thanks to Pretty Good is pretty good.

In fact, you know what?

It's plain good.

Because I think Pretty Good is pretty patronizing.

I think Kayla's right.

William was being a little bit condescending there, in my opinion.

But it raises the point more of what we owe each other when someone asks for your honest opinion about something.

And it's hard to give your honest opinion about someone else's art project or piece of writing or idea for a show or whatever it is.

I had to give a good friend an assessment of the marketability of that person's project, and I had loved it, but I had some hard things that I needed to say, and it was unfun to say them

but I felt I owed that person my honest assessment and I was gentle as I could but I was true as I could

and then I closed it by acknowledging like what the fudge do I know none of this could matter but if you're asked you do neither your friend nor culture any good by saying like yeah it's great or you know kind of just lying to get out of it And you certainly don't do any good by being a snotty cynical jerk like Pretty Good William.

Pretty good.

Just semantically, absolutely.

Good is good.

Pretty good is, meh.

And William is being a snot by not acknowledging that.

And Kayla, I thought your pretty thanks was awesome.

So enjoy that.

Yeah, pretty thanks is a real solid piece of business.

Yeah, that's right.

Solid piece of business.

Jesse, before we move on to the next one, I just want to say one more time.

Folks,

if you're just joining us, if you just tuned into this podcast, before the break, Jesse recommended the films of Taiko Watiti that are not Thor Ragnarok.

And I cannot second that recommendation enough because A,

they're great.

And B, Thor Ragnarok, a fun movie as it is, is the reason that John Hodgman's Ragnarok is no longer on Netflix because they don't want to confuse people.

They don't want people getting mad because they expect to tune in to see the Hulk in a gladiator costume.

Instead, it's me and my fat mustache railing on about sperm whales.

Wow.

But I really have to say, hunt for the wilder people.

I know that there is a contingent

of

moms and dads and parents of all stripes who listen to this show with their strange 13 and 14-year-olds.

And Hunt for the Wilder People, I watched with my son, and that was one of the greatest parent-child movie-watching experiences of all time because it's about parenting and it's about being a child.

And it's incredible.

And I would also say, here's one that I never saw, Jesse Thorne.

which I can't believe I missed.

Master and Commander, Far Side of the World.

Oh, that's a great movie.

It's a great.

Oh, my goodness.

The movie's awesome.

I took a sailing class, and all the people who taught the sailing are like, this is my favorite class because there's a lot of hoisting.

And there is.

If you like sailing terminology, this movie is for you.

But if you like children wearing Napoleon outfits, firing cannons, and singing shanties, oh my goodness.

And the vision is in it, too.

Paul Betney is so good.

These are my recommendations, folks.

Strange 13 and 14-year-olds within the sound of my voice.

Download these movies and get your parent to watch them with you.

There's a really great episode of our

sister Max Fun podcast, Friendly Fire, about Mastering Commander.

Oh!

You won't be surprised to hear that your friend and mine, John Roderick, is a fan of that film.

I'm going to download it right now.

I'm skipping the rest of this podcast.

No, I'm going to stand at my post.

Here amidships and finish this judging, and then I'm going to listen to that podcast because Friendly Fire is great.

I just enjoyed the Doctor Strange Live episode, and that's great too.

Okay, here we go.

Brian says, I like to wear wireless earbuds around the house while doing chores so I can listen to podcasts like this one.

My wife, Mari, complains that the earbuds have become like another screen, i.e.

a piece of technology I use to tune out the world around me.

But I'm not ignoring anyone.

I'm just trying to catch up on the news and listen to my favorite shows while I empty the cat letter or take out the garbage.

Please order that Mari let me wear my earbuds around the house while I'm doing chores so I don't have to do them in contemplative silence.

Well, Brian, I do feel for Mari, as someone who,

you know,

has an active professional life and whose spouse, mine, also has an active professional life, we don't have a lot of time together.

And there is a tendency on both sides to, at the end of a long day, rather than spending time together, to dip into our screens and never come out.

Because we're exhausted and we've known each other for almost 30 years.

So what do we have to say to each other?

That is a bad tendency that we both actively have to fight.

And sometimes one has to say to the other, this is a social time.

Please do not go into your dopamine hunt on Twitter for things to get angry about.

But doing chores

is not a social act.

That is an act of work, often lonely work.

But more, it can be an act of contemplation or meditation.

Like, do you ever see The Razor's Edge with Bill Murray, that adaptation of Somerset Mom?

I think I've probably referenced it here.

It's not the greatest Bill Murray movie in the world, but it's one he was trying to get serious.

Do you ever see that one, Jesse?

I haven't.

I have seen the greatest Bill Murray movie in the world, Quick Change.

I was just going to say Quick Change.

You call it Quick Change.

I call it Quick Change.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a good one.

Remember the part when he's robbing the bank and he's dressed as a clown?

And then

I know exactly the line.

And

Chris Elliott's dad, Bob Elliott, is the security guard.

And he goes,

what the hell kind of clown are you?

And Bill Murray says, the crying on the inside kind, I guess.

I love our movie review show.

Quick Change is a great movie.

The Razor's Edge is about Bill Murray in World War I going to India to try to find himself.

Or it's after he's been in World War I and he's shell-shocked and he's trying to find who he is.

And it's non-comedic.

It was his turn towards the dramatic.

It was ill-timed and something of a curiosity.

But I remember watching as a kid going, where's the ghostbusting?

I don't get it.

Why is he wandering around wearing jodbers

and not making jokes?

But at one point he's in India and he looks out and he sees a man washing

plates in the river and he says, why don't you get someone else to do that for you?

Because it turns out this gentleman is very rich.

He said, and I'm paraphrasing terribly here but it's like this is you know i think about the universe when i do this i'm like oh yeah the small work the concentrated work with your hands that chores involved is meditative or can be and we'll put this up on the judge john hodgman page at maximumfund.org and also on our instagram account but i took a bunch of pictures at the blue hill fair they had a bunch of different local grange halls sent exhibitions to the blue hill fair in maine at the end of this summer and i had never seen a a display like this.

It was a display of a local handicraft,

each carefully labeled with little stick-on labels.

So you would have a jar of pickled beans and the label would say green beans.

And then you would have a jar of creamed corn and a little label that would say creamed corn.

And then next to it, a little label, they would have a tin canning jar holder and a label on it saying tin canning jar holder.

I thought they were trying to win a prize for labeling because the labeling itself became, it was kind of the greatest deadpan comedy I've ever seen because there are these peanut butter cookies cookies labeled peanut butter cookies in a pint basket labeled pint basket on a doily labeled doily.

There is an ashtray labeled old handmade ashtray full of blueberries labeled blueberries in front of a bowl of chicken eggs labeled chicken eggs.

And then for whatever reason, there was fudge labeled fudge, gross.

And then a tiny ceramic cat labeled cat next to a rainbow fuzzy scarf labeled rainbow fuzzy scarf.

And I'm like, what is motivating this person to put these labels on?

Never mind to do these small crocheted scarves and the pickling and the baby blanket and the baking and the pumpkin growing and everything else.

We live in a culture, particularly in the northeast, particularly New England, which is a region of the northeast of the United States, that still emerges from a Calvinistic puritanical tradition that did not believe in leisure.

But of course, leisure is the condition of contemplation.

Leisure is the condition of self-reflection.

In a culture that only privileges work, people had to turn work into meditation, whether they were aware of it or not.

You know, no quilt had to be beautiful.

It simply had to be warm, but it was made beautiful because this was your opportunity to sit there quietly and go into the meditative state of small work with your hands and unlock parts of your contemplative brain that otherwise would not have been unlocked.

And you can do the same thing when you're changing the cat litter.

You can do the same thing when you're sweeping the stairs or washing your plates in the river Ganges.

When you are in chore mode, it is the same thing as when you are doodling.

Research has shown that you actually listen better to a class or to someone else when you're doing some doodling with your hands because it puts your brain into a different space that is more receptive.

And as far as I know, There is no better time to be taking in the dulcet tones at a 1x speed of a podcast like Judge John Hodgman than when you're in that contemplative space.

That is your quiet time.

That is your alone time.

And even if you were to not choose to listen to podcasts, although I highly recommend you do, and then go and rate it five stars on iTunes,

that is a choice for you to make.

That is not a social time.

Sorry to go on this long tangent, but

we need these times alone to ourselves to unlock parts of our brain.

We need these menial jobs.

And I think listening to a podcast while doing a menial job or commuting for that matter is a wonderful thing to do.

So, Brian, if you are listening to me right now while you are emptying the cat litter box or whatever your chore is, I find in your favor.

And I encourage you to put down what you're doing and jump up and down in the bathroom or the basement or wherever you are and go, woohoo, I win.

And when Mari says, what happened?

What are you listening to?

Just say, it's not for you.

It's for me to know.

I like to listen to Stop Podcasting Yourself while I do the dishes.

Yeah, of course.

You know, I like to look at pictures of Grange Hall exhibits at the Blue Hill Fair.

There's a jar of beans here that's labeled sulfur beans.

Can't wait to send you these photos, Jesse.

You're going to love them.

Judge John Hodgman on Instagram, also the judgejohodgman patmaximanfund.org if you want to see like pictures of weird stuff.

Let's give folks a break to finish racking up those dishes.

We'll be back to hear about mustaches and cats with human names on the Judge John Hodgman podcast in just a second.

Hi, I'm Amber Nash, the voice of Pam Poovy on the groundbreaking FX animated comedy Archer.

Remember Archer?

I sure don't.

That's why I started rephrasing an Archer Rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org.

Join me and a bevy of special guests as we discuss every episode of Archer starting from the very beginning.

Archer executive producer Casey Willis and editor Christian Danley will provide insight and fun and help me remember everything I've forgotten about Archer, which is a lot.

So, join me on rephrasing an Archer Rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org because I can't wait to watch Archer again for the very first time.

The Wizards Answer 8 by 8.

The Conclave's call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell.

They number 64.

until

a conflagration.

63

and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die, till one remains to reign on high.

Join us for Taz Royale, an oops all-wizards battle royale season of the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This week we're clearing the docket and we've got something here from Nathan.

He says, My fiancé loves it when I have a mustache.

She says I look like a baby without facial hair.

I cannot grow a full beard and I don't think my mustache looks full enough.

She says my mustache is perfect, but I've received mixed reviews from friends and family.

My fiancé wants me to keep it, but I would rather have a clean-shaven face.

Here are two photos of me with a mustache, one with stubble and one clean-shaven.

Jesse, do you have these photos in front of you?

I do, and I want to make an amendment to the record here.

Please.

His definition of clean-shaven is very...

Oh, I see what he's saying.

I'm sorry.

He's saying there's two with a mustache and one where he's entirely clean-shaven.

Right.

Both mustache photos have stubble.

Got it.

I would say, yeah, I would say there's one stash photo with lots of stubble, one stash photo with medium stubble, one that is just medium stubble, no stash, and one that is clean-shaven.

So, Jesse, tell me what you think

of these photos.

Obviously, they'll be available on the Instagram and on the webpage.

Stash with stubble at the concert.

What do you think?

Well, I mean, my first concern immediately is that he's obviously at a fish concert.

Right.

Besides that,

I think that the stubble is too long, especially under his neck, and it is unbecoming.

Yeah.

I don't think it looks that great.

Also with that ratty t-shirt, that dark mustache with a lot of ratty stubble and kind of tussled hair, that's like retro hipster.

That's like hipster 2010, I want to say.

Yeah.

And that doesn't work in the context of a fish concert either.

Now, the dude next to him, the Grateful Dead t-shirt, he's got a bandana on and a sort of a pelt of stubble all over his chin.

He looks like he belongs at that fish concert.

He's in it.

Yeah.

That guy is actually the bassist for the string cheese incident.

You know, you want to love a band that is named for string cheese.

That's where I get hung up.

All right, let's go to the next photo.

This is Stash, less stubble.

It looks like he's in in the back office of a Best Buy.

He is obviously, like, what is so strange about this is he's provided to us one picture of him in literally the most frivolous context in the history of the world, which is with a guy's arm around him who's wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt and a drum set in the background.

Right.

The second one he's taken under the fluorescent lights of his office, office supply room.

Yep.

There's just boxes of copier paper and like industrial shelving behind him.

And he's wearing a lanyard of some kind, some ID lanyard.

And he looks angry.

He looks like he's turned around and he's sort of like a middle manager and he's just been caught like shoving sharpies down his pants to steal.

And he's saying to you, if you tell anyone that I stole these Sharpies, I'm going to murder you.

Yep.

It's not a good look.

I don't like the narrowed eyes.

Yeah.

I don't like the polo shirt.

I don't mind the mustache.

Well, I think the mustache does him no favors here because a mustache

almost universally conveys villainy.

A straight-up mustache.

In its best way.

What, you mean legendary villains like Magnum P.I.

Well, I was just about to say there are notable exceptions.

Magnum P.I.

Ron Swanson, Burt Reynolds.

Take Ron out of the equation for a second.

What does Magnum, Burt Reynolds, and Clark Gable have in common?

All gorgeous.

Gorgeous men.

It's the eyes.

The eyes are so kind.

Those crinkly, kind eyes.

And with Nick Offerman, aka Ron Swanson,

it's those great blue, soulful orbs, those eyes.

They're not kind, but they're deep.

They're limpid pools.

They undo the natural villainy of the mustache.

And even in Clark Gable's case, the mustache does not convey villainy, but it does convey rakishness.

That's what you have to overcome if you're going to sport a mustache alone.

And what I'm getting from the back office photo of Nathan looking so fierce is like those are evil doll eyes.

He's got some mean looking eyes there.

Evil doll eyes.

Yeah, and the mustache heightens that.

Whereas you go down now to both the stubble and clean shaven,

and he's smiling, obviously.

But in both cases, he looks much nicer and less insidious and more trustworthy, even though it's two different facial hair configurations.

So between the two of these, Jesse, we've got clean-shaven, which is what he wants.

And stubble, even stubble, including some undernose stubble, which apparently neither he nor his fiancée wants, which is better.

In your opinion, Jesse.

I think he looks great in both pictures.

Yeah.

I think he's a handsome man.

Oh, that I were as handsome as he.

I would still be hosting television shows.

Your day will come again.

Thank you.

I question

his premise that he can't grow a beard.

I think he

may have not

been patient enough,

but the hair in the photograph of this kind of long stubble certainly looks dense enough to grow whatever kind of beard he would like to grow.

No question.

That said, if I was going to guess, I would guess that this very short beard that he has in this photograph is probably the most flattering beard he could grow, just for the kind of guy he looks like.

He looks a little bit like

street basketball sneaker and hip-hop radio legend Bobito Garcia in that picture.

Oh, very handsome.

Bobito.

Yeah.

Cool Bob Love, DJ Cucumber Slice.

But he's got a nice big Andy Sandberg smile in the clean-shaven picture.

I would say if it were me and I were engaged to be married,

I would want to keep the love of my life happy.

And for that reason, I might be inclined to offer the short beard as an alternative or compromise position.

I think that there is settled law within this courtroom that even the people that you care the most about cannot tell you how to wear your facial hair.

You should listen to them, but it ultimately is your decision, Nathan.

Now, far be it from me, who sported one of the goofiest mustaches of all time.

I had a Clark Gable mustache, so I'm not that far behind you.

In fact, I'm probably ahead of you.

I had a luxurious mustache that made me look like a goofy villain.

As many people have noted, I looked like the evil version of the Pringlescam guy.

David Cross said that I looked like the guy from the fancy ketchup box.

Fancy ketchup box?

I mean, fancy ketchup bottle.

Sorry.

Oh, Sir Kensington?

Yeah,

that's what he thought I looked like with dumber facial hair.

Hipster Sir Kensington, maybe, is what he called me.

Yeah.

I have no business telling people that their mustaches don't look good because I went for a long time.

But I think it's clear that the two mustache options that you put forward, I don't think they flatter you.

You look great in both the clean-shaven and the even all-over stubble.

What I would say, though, is, Nathan, you're wrong.

You don't look baby-faced in the clean-shaven one.

You look like a college Republican.

You look like that was taken

at the Republican National Convention, and you were very into the federal society.

It's not his fault he's wearing a gray dress shirt.

Actually, it is his fault now that I think about it.

Yeah, he dressed himself.

No, that might be something you want to present.

You don't look like a baby.

You look like a Freedom Caucus acolyte.

I think the most flattering photo here for you, and I think your fiancé will have to agree, is what Jesse has zeroed in on, which is this

groomed stubble

big smile.

That was from Friday Night Lights, right?

Groomed stubble, big smile, can't lose.

Did you see the picture?

The fat dog.

Oh, yeah.

He also sent in this pandering photo of his dog.

Fat dog with its fat tum tum out.

I mean, it's a real cute dog.

It's just funny because the picture has got his fat tometum out.

I want to give him a little belly scratch.

And of course, if you're listening to that at two times, it sounds like this.

That's a cute dog.

All right, so that's justice served on you.

We have picked your new look, Nathan.

And your fiancé will be happy with it.

Thanks for the picture of the dog.

What else do we got in the old grab bag there, Jesse?

Rebecca wrote in about our last docket episode, Classic Friend Around, which featured in place of

me, the great Gene Gray, formerly known as What What?

Right.

I just ordered Gene and Quelly Chris's new album from my friend Andrew Nas at Park Boulevard Records in Oakland, California, that everyone should buy records from online and in person.

And everyone should buy that wonderful album.

And Nas was nice enough to include in that package a 12-inch of Jean's first ever appearance on wax.

Wow.

That's a collectible item.

When she was known as What What?

And it's a song called Negro League Baseball.

And it is a great song.

I mean, if you should like

underground hip-hop from the 1990s.

But yeah, Gene Gray and Natural Resource.

Negro Baseball League, it's called.

It's on the internet right now.

What is also on the internet right now is many ways for you to support Gene and Quelle, including buying their incredible new album, Everything is Fine, which is now out in vinyl,

a double album, one pink vinyl, one green vinyl.

It's incredible.

That's what I bought.

But Gene and I were talking about cat names, and we were talking about the pleasure of naming a cat or a dog a legit human name.

So instead of like Scruffy or Hambone or Banjo, just like naming them like Carl or Alan

or Diane.

In her case, she named her cat Brian K.

Littles Esquire III, where of course the K stands for Keith.

So what did Rebecca have to say about cats having human names, Jesse?

She says, my ex-mother-in-law once heard noises in an unoccupied room and yelled at her cat who had a human name.

The noises immediately ceased.

It turned out that someone had been attempting a break-in, but the yell had implied that two people were in the home, and that person was scared away.

She decided she would always use human names for her pets after that.

So name your cat after a human, and you will defeat the strangers of the movie The Strangers.

Or just yell names.

I mean, you could also just yell names.

I think naming cats or dogs after real humans

is an appropriate security measure, and I order everyone to do do it from now on.

Carl!

John!

Jesse!

Stop vomiting on the rug.

The docket is now clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman, our producer, the ever-capable,

today wearing a tone-on-tone horizontal stripe.

Is that a blazer?

Yeah, it's blazer-like.

Jennifer Marmer.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We are on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Hashtag your tweets about the show, hashtag jjho, jj-ho.

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We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Jesse, I vomited on the rug again.

I'm sorry.

We were each saving up a bit for the end.

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