Into the Teal

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, and we are clearing the docket.

With me, as always,

the elegant id

of jurisprudence, Judge John Hodgman.

Sorry, I was a little distracted there, Jesse, because first of all, I don't want the listeners to get the wrong impression.

There are times that we are not together.

I'm not with you always.

In spirit, I am.

That is to say, in my astral projected form.

I hover over your bed while you sleep, but physically, unfortunately, very rarely.

And indeed, this time we are not in the same room.

Normally, we are not in the same room, but I'm even further from you than ever because I am here in my summer chambers,

W-E-R-U, in Orland, Maine.

That's an FM station.

Is that right, Joel?

That's right, Judge.

F-M.

That's frequency modulation.

89.9.

Got it.

Yep.

And Joel Mann is here once again.

I'm recording this early in the not actual summer yet.

I was up here for another event, the Vacation Land paperback launch.

And so we decided to record here.

It's good to see you again, Joel.

And this is a big year for WERU.

Is that not correct?

30 years.

Oh, 30 years.

30 years.

Well, I figured because it was Maine, it was like 150 years.

In Maine years, it's 150.

Of independent.

Yeah.

And I thought I heard somewhere in the background, just as Jesse Jesse was introducing me, did I hear some music

bleeding through from the on-air?

Shouldn't.

I thought I heard some, whatever it is, Magic Joe and the field hippies.

You're hallucinating.

What is the name of that?

What is the name?

Joe Bird and the Field Hippi.

Joe Bird and the Field Hippies.

Maybe it's just seeping in the walls.

It's one of those main ghost stories.

Where I go, Joe goes.

That's right.

The independent freeform radio station is haunted by the B-plus psychedelia of Joe Bird and the field hippies.

Jesse Thorne, how are things where you are in Los Angeles, good or bad?

Things are beautiful here in Los Angeles, as they always are.

The skies are always sunny in the city of angels.

Here we all are together, ready to dispense some justice.

What do we have on the docket?

Here's something from Becca.

My husband Jared and I are preparing to move to the third home we've shared over 10 years.

In both of our previous homes, our bedroom was painted a deep burgundy.

While I like the color, I would like you to order Jared to consider other colors for the bedroom in our new home.

Jared said he feels the color is an anchor for our marriage.

Please tell him it's time to move beyond the maroon.

They've moved house three times in 10 years.

So my first question is: what are you guys running from, Becca and Jared?

What is going on?

Here's my question for Becca.

Moved house three times in 10 years.

How many times have you been a lady?

Once?

Twice?

Three times?

I think every time she has moved, she has been a lady because she has endured the most terrible bedroom color choice imaginable to me.

I can't tell if our producer, Jennifer Marmor, is laughing out of amusement or shame.

She says six of one, half dozen of the other.

Jennifer Marmor in Los Angeles, do you have a maroon bedroom?

She's shaking her head.

No.

No.

I don't care for it.

I don't care for the color maroon.

I don't care for the words maroon and bedroom together.

And I would imagine that, you know, I think it's very dark for a bedroom.

I feel like maroon feels like

you're sleeping in a lawyer's office in the 80s.

And that to me does not feel restful at all.

And I certainly don't believe in a color superstition when it comes to bedrooms.

In other words, that if they try something

different,

like the color linen white, which is a Benjamin Moore paint color, which is the only one that I will ever consider for anything, that suddenly they're going to get a divorce.

Jesse Thorne, why is maroon a bad color for a bedroom?

I presume you agree with me.

I like that you're setting me up with such clear terms.

I'm not opposed to it.

I have to admit, Judge Hodgman.

Uh-oh.

Go on.

I think that you know that I am a bit of

an

aesthete.

I am one concerned with matters aesthetic that extends to the decoration of my home.

Unlike I think in many heterosexual partnerships, in my partnership with my wife, I

am the probably the driving force of the interior decor.

I'm the one who buys the furniture for the most part

and so forth.

And I think your taste in chairs is the same as your taste in ponchos impeccable

thank you judge hodgman a higher compliment has rarely been paid to me everybody you got to see these ponchos that jesse thorne wears sometimes maybe there's only one poncho yeah i only have the one poncho yeah boy that poncho is fantastic it is a nice poncho you're gonna tell me in my in my own right here in the studios of weru 89.9 fm in orland maine that maroon is an okay color for a bedroom no i'm going to admit to a personal weakness which is this.

All right.

I grew up splitting my time between my parents' homes.

And in the entire time that I lived in my parents' homes, we never lived in a home that we owned.

I only grew up in rentals.

Right.

And in fact, the home that I own now, which I purchased roughly five years ago, is the first time I have owned a home.

And for that reason,

I think I have never,

I genuinely struggled to wrap my mind around the idea of walls that aren't white.

It's not because I'm a minimalist modernist, in fact, quite the opposite.

But,

you know, our friend Emily Gordon,

the Oscar-nominated screenwriter.

Yes, and wonderful producer and human being.

Yeah.

She once posted a picture of some spectacular wallpaper that she had purchased for the home she shares with her husband, the brilliant stand-up comedian and actor Kumil Nanjiani.

And

it occurred to me: I genuinely cannot even comprehend the idea of colored walls, much less wallpaper, even if I admire them.

Right.

So

that I want to be the background for this.

However, while I think that Burgundy is pretty dark,

if you are seeking a bedroom as

refuge

and what you want is a calm, quiet, dark place rather than a place that fills you with light and optimism, which is what some people want from their bedroom.

I'm not opposed to the color.

It is, in fact, one of my favorite colors in general.

And I don't hate it.

But it is something that I would more associate with

a

colonialist's study

than a bedroom.

Yeah.

Are you going to be sleeping in a bed or in an overstuffed leather wingchair?

Well, the latter in my case, but continue.

And also, we're not talking about burgundy here, Jesse.

We're talking about maroon from the French word maron or chestnut, a brownish red.

In fact, maybe you might even say more of a claret color.

We're talking about hex triplet number 800000.

We're talking about the official color of the state of Queensland, Australia.

We're talking about a color that was borrowed for the name of a band, Maroon 5.

Is that what you want to be thinking about?

Queensland, Australia, and the songs of Maroon 5 as you fall asleep?

I would say to each,

their own, but no, they're all wrong if you think that.

I can't imagine it.

Well, you know what?

Everyone has different tastes, I guess.

And I think that sleeping in a room that is painted a dark, dark color in that way, to me, that feels sad and depressing.

And as we both kind of put it, it associates more with a study or something wood-paneled in corporate, like a lobby, than a quiet place to wake up.

And when you wake up in the morning, it will feel like it's still nighttime in there.

That's obviously not for me.

You are more forgiving than I am.

But what this comes down to is even if we were to establish that maroon is a terrible color for a bedroom, and I am establishing that.

Three times in 10 years, Jared has gotten his precious maroon.

Becca wants a change.

This is not necessarily a court of aesthetics or etiquette, although we dabble in both.

This is a court of justice.

Is it fair for Becca to put up with another color if she wants to experiment and try something different?

It is not fair for Jared to insist upon threat of dissolution of marriage that

the bedroom again be Maroon.

It's time to put aside whatever superstition he has and give her a shot at trying something different.

I recommend Benjamin Moore Linen White for everything all the time.

If that's not your color, if you want to try something else, here's another fact that I learned from the Wikipedia page for Maroon.

The complementary color to Maroon, apparently, is teal.

T-E-A-L.

Maybe Maybe paint your bedroom teal.

See if that satisfies Jared's weird superstition and your desire for the new.

Seeking new, seeking novelty in marriage is an important part of marriage and not getting hung up on the same thing as a part of an evolving and maturing relationship.

So go forth into the teal, Jared and Becca.

This is the sound of a gavel.

I rule on this thusly.

To me, there is a crux here, which is the sentence: Jared says he feels the color, brackets, maroon, is an anchor for our marriage.

If your marriage depends on the color maroon, I think you should just get divorced.

I think he is essentially asking for a divorce.

I don't often like to pull back the curtain on the Judge Shen Hodgman podcast so that you can see the pathetic little man in the corner making the sausage.

I'm mixing a bunch of different metaphors.

But I will let you know that within a number of these cases, Jesse Thorne has really cut to the quick of what my first impulse always is, which is anytime a married couple says, my husband wants this, I'm like, divorce him, just divorce him.

It's over.

The most work that I do on this podcast is coming up with an alternative for divorce.

I hope you don't get divorced, Becca and Jared, but do try some other color.

Here's something from Ray.

I would like the judge to order my girlfriend, Anna Lee, to allow me to clap unimpeded at all events where clapping is expected or asked for.

Her complaint is that I clap too loudly and sometimes for too long.

I prefer not to tone down my clap volume.

The louder I clap, the more appreciation is shown.

I don't like golf clapping because it seems half-hearted.

So Ray and Annalee have submitted audio evidence of Ray's applause.

Annalee says this.

Being scientists, we tested our clap volumes with a sound level meter.

Annalee's claps came in around 93 decibels.

Ray's claps measured approximately 105 decibels.

Not only are Ray's claps painfully loud, he insists on being the last person clapping.

I frequently place my hands between his to stop it.

PPS, I don't want to be the last person clapping just toward the end, says Ray.

Okay, so Ray is a loud clapper.

That is the accusation.

Loud and long clapper.

Loud and overlong, yeah.

Yeah.

Joel Mann, you're a performer.

You play bass in a jazz trio or quartet?

Trio and a quintet.

Oh, okay.

Sometimes you just jump.

We had a couple people here.

Okay.

And you play at the

Pentagoet in Pentagon.

Very good.

I know it.

Pententic.

You're like, you're from Maine.

In Castine, Maine, every Tuesday evening in the summer.

That's right.

Through September.

As a performer, is there any such thing as clapping that is too loud?

There's obnoxious clapping, where you know someone's just doing it because they're being obnoxious.

You mean mocking clapping?

Yeah, mocking clapping.

And that happens a lot.

Nobody.

Bear on the porch at the Pentagogo.

I recognize it when it does.

People are like, oh, thanks, Brad.

But there it is.

That's it.

Thanks so much.

That type of thing.

All right.

So I want you to listen in with your expert ear and tell me whether this clapping is good clapping or bad clapping.

Sincere or not.

Right.

Yeah, okay.

This is Ray clapping.

And this is Annalie.

Ray's clapping does sound sarcastic.

It does.

It hurt my ear.

It's not genuine.

Yeah.

No, Ray,

it's too hard.

You're doing it wrong, Ray.

Take a lesson from it.

How does Annalee's clapping sound to you?

Very good, positive.

Jesse, how do you feel about it?

I agree completely.

I like, you know what I liked about Annalise clapping?

Can we hear them again?

This is Ray clapping.

And this is Annalie.

All right, first of all, I have a new ringtone.

Second of all, Everything about Ray's clapping is wrong.

It feels aggressive.

It feels harsh.

And it really feels, you know, like I'm being struck with something.

And that's no fun for the performer.

Annalise clapping is musical, it varies.

It starts out here, it grows, it comes down, there's variation, it feels alive as opposed to Ray's rat-a-tat-tat.

It hurts every part of me to hear that.

Ray, you're absolutely wrong.

Joel,

when you're in the audience, how do you clap?

All right, let's move on.

John, have you ever seen the

viral video clip of

that related to clapping of Harry Connick Jr.?

No.

It's really, truly magical, although maybe it takes a Joel Mann level music nerd to truly get passionate about it.

He is performing, you know, some of his upbeat jazz vocals

and he has an audience.

This is in video, and he has an audience clapping along to the song.

And the audience are all clapping on the one and the three, the first and third beats of the

four beat measures

in classic 4-4 common time.

Exactly.

And that, of course, is, you know, Harry Connick Jr.

is

a jazz performer, and I think he would prefer that the audience clap on the backbeat, the two and and the four.

Right.

Although, you know, I won't tell you what ethnicity the majority of the Harry Connick Jr.

audience is at this particular show.

I'm the world's greatest detective, I can guess.

Yeah.

So

it's more like a main jazz audience.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

Like the jazz aficionados who might go to the Pentago at Inn on Tuesday afternoons to hear a quintet or a septet or whatever, whatever Joel's been able to put together.

So this whole crowd is clapping in unison on the one and the three, like they're at a Pat Boone concert.

And Harry Connick Jr.

is perturbed.

And so during a solo, he adds a fifth beat to one measure.

So just one

bit of the song is five, four,

just once, just throws in one extra beat, then starts over in 4-4, thus tricking the entire audience into switching to the two and the four.

Harry Connick Jr.

is famous for two things: when Harry Met Sally and Psyops, musical psyops.

Did you ever see a video of

Sting clapping?

You know, the lead singer and bassist for the police.

No.

You should check it out.

You don't have to do it right now.

Everyone at home or in the car, don't pull over the car and take a look.

But when you have a moment, remember it and you'll be pleased you did.

Sting claps in an unusual way.

Let's just put it that way.

It's so weird.

What's he doing?

I asked you not to do it right now.

All right.

I need to laugh at this some more, so let's take a break.

We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

How does he even make sound?

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfund.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made Inn.

Let me ask you a question.

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but she wants that non-stick.

And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

I'm in Los Angeles.

Judge Hodgman is in Maine with our friend Joel Mann.

Since you disobeyed my request and went ahead and watched a YouTube video of Sting, a.k.a.

Gordon Sumner, international solo artist and former lead singer and bassist for the police,

clapping.

Now I have to show Joel.

Let me get it going here.

There's a video online.

You can just look Sting Clapping or Sting Claps weird, and it's him applauding Bruce Springsteen.

Here we go.

That's terrible.

Yes,

that's quite different.

Yeah.

All right, everybody.

Pull over your cars and take a look in your phone.

We'll wait for you.

Have you done it?

Good.

Let's proceed.

Here's something from Chad.

He says, I seek an injunction against my wife, Jenny.

When I'm cooking any kind of meat, I use a plastic spatula throughout the cooking process.

Jenny insists on rinsing the spatula after the meat's no longer raw, but before it's fully cooked.

She says this avoids mixing residual raw meat on the spatula with the cooked meat.

I think this is excessive and unnecessary, and it degrades my autonomy as the cook.

I have been cooking without the mid-wash

for years without a problem.

I ask the judge order Jenny to cease and desist this behavior and let me cook in peace.

Well, first of all, I will definitely order the ban on the word midwash forever.

I never want to hear that word again because I prefer not to be nauseated.

In this case, it's hard for me to find in favor of Chad.

One, because he's using a plastic spatula.

I mean, tongs, dude.

Tongs.

That's what you want to use.

to cook meat.

Or if you have something like a burger that can't be flipped with a tong,

you want to use a thin metal spatula.

I'm going to go ahead and say the brand name, OXOXO, America's favorite palindromic kitchen supply manufacturer, makes a thin, flexible metal spatula that is the best spatula for everything, including scraping gunk off of cast iron pans if you are cleaning them off.

Judge Hodgman, I have to interject here.

I feel compelled.

Uh-oh.

Disagreement?

My friends and ours at the New York Times website, The Wirecutter.

Yes.

Conducted a comprehensive review of spatulas, aka flippers.

And we're speaking here specifically about flipper-style spatulas, not mix-around-style spatulas.

Your mix-around-style spatulas should probably be made of silicon.

Yeah, right, that's right.

Or at least have heads made of silicon.

Yeah, it's an unusual feature of language that those are even called spatulas.

These two very different terms have the same word.

But a flipper spatula that the wire cutter, formerly known as the Sweet Home, recommends is the Victorinox Chef's Slotted Fish Turner, which I think is probably a similar style to the one that you are describing from a different brand.

Yep.

A thin, flexible metal, slightly angled, especially at the leading edge

flipper.

I bought one of these at the recommendation of the wire cutter, and you know, it costs $12 or $15, $16 it costs.

This thing is miraculous.

I hate every other spatula I've ever owned.

I resent so much this spatula when it's in the dishwasher and I can't get it, but I need to flip something, that I would ever have to use one of my many other spatulas.

Hey, you know, I have one of those Victoro Knox fish turners, and they're good.

to each their own, I suppose.

You, you know, go and sleep in your maroon bedroom if you wish.

But in this case,

I don't even know why I would compare this thing to a maroon bedroom because we all know a maroon bedroom is terrible.

But this fish turner is a really good tool.

I prefer the OXO because it's solid.

It doesn't have slots.

And so when you're handling stuff that's really delicate, say like eggs, you don't have the risk that those slots could tear up the food a little bit.

But you're right.

The Victorian Oxa is a great brand.

That's a tremendous spatula as well.

And one way or the other, Chad, you would do so much better than using a plastic spatula because plastic cannot get thin enough for you to really get under the food, especially to separate it and get it up off of the surface of the pan.

My guess is that you're using a plastic spatula because you don't want to scratch up your non-stick pans.

to which I would say scratch them up and throw them away because there's very, very little reason for you to have one of those in any case because if you heat up the pan properly and use the proper amount of lubricating oil or butter,

your food is not going to stick, especially if you have a good cast iron pan, for example.

So basically, Chad, you're doing it all wrong.

That said, I will not find in Jenny's favor because I feel that the mid-wash, there it is, I use that word again and I feel gross.

But the mid-wash is profoundly, overly cautious.

And

as little as I want to favor a dude's feeling of autonomy when he is cooking.

Jenny, when you're cooking, you can wash that thing over and over again as much as you like.

But I think that it is unnecessary to wash a spatula between flips because the food is not quite cooked enough.

Joel Mann, what do you think?

Cast iron is the way to go.

Okay, there we go.

There's Joel.

Jesse, do you think I'm wrong?

No, I'm with you.

Yeah.

Seems like too much.

I'm sure they're now both going to die of salmonella.

I mean, you know, keep your food well refrigerated.

Cook it while it's fresh within a day or two of buying it.

I mean, mean, we're talking about your meats, your fishes, your chickens,

your beefs, your porks, your whatevers.

And generally practice good hygiene.

But I feel like foodborne illness will not be an issue in your lives if Chad continues to cook the way he cooks.

And as long as he switches to a Victorianox fish turner, it's not just for fish anymore.

I honestly just don't know what you might be cooking where the exterior temperature won't be high enough to kill the foodborne illness, even if you touch it with the foodborne illness.

Like even the top half of a hamburger seems like if your cast iron's going pretty good, that's still got to be the 140 degrees or whatever it takes to kill your mad cow disease.

Yeah, unless he's doing a thing where he is taking, let's just say it's hamburgers for the sake of argument.

Maybe he's doing a thing where he forms the hamburgers and then he lifts them with the spatula and then drops them into the pan or whatever that way.

Like, but no, just put, if you're forming the hamburgers already, just put them in with your fingers and then wash your fingers off and then you're ready to go.

Maybe everything Chad is doing is wrong.

Chad,

take a course in not being wrong before you cook again for the sake of your wife.

Here's something from Warren.

I'm seeking an injunction against my wife, Candace, restricting her Christmas gift-giving expectations.

When planning our wedding, we decided to make our save the date card an ugly sweater Christmas card.

Candace enjoyed it so much that it became a family tradition to create unique Christmas cards.

The tradition has grown significantly in scale over the years and brings much joy to our family and friends.

I feel the amount of work and creativity put into each card should fulfill the holiday social contract of exchanging gifts.

Candace feels that we still owe certain parties gifts in addition to the annual card.

I've attached a sample of some of our early cards to compare with some of our later cards, as well as a couple of pictures showing some of what goes into our recent cards.

And of course, all these images will be available on the JudgeJohn Hodgman page at maximumfund.org and on our Instagram account, instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

So let me explain to the listeners who don't have access to the internet at this very moment what I am seeing, which are a series of photo Christmas cards, the initial one announcing the upcoming date of Warren and Candace's wedding.

And it is a pretty traditional, cheesy Christmas card with them each wearing a pretty traditional, cheesy Christmas sweater with Christmas trees on them.

And then they get increasingly elaborate.

The next one from 2008, they're wearing footy pajamas and hugging a Christmas tree.

The next one has a nutcracker theme that seems to have involved a lot of photo manipulation.

Here's to a kraken Christmas, it says.

Oh, I see.

It's a paper doll diorama.

It's not Photoshop at all.

It's all practical effects.

It's like shooting the Death Star run in the original Star Wars.

They actually make a paper diorama with photos in it and then took pictures of that.

And then they have Merry Christmas from the Dynamic Duo in which Warren and Candace are now recreating the famous Adam West, Burt Ward, Batman and Robin wall climb, vertical wall climb.

I'm just showing this to Joel.

Do you see what I'm seeing here, Joel?

That's crazy.

Okay, Joel says it's crazy.

It's crazy because they had to build a phony side of a building parallel to the ground plus a backdrop of a cityscape, presumably Gotham City, in order to them to do this classic trick where they're supposedly climbing up a wall, but they're really just walking across a facade of a wall.

This is obviously...

Should we tell Warren and Candy about Chroma Key?

Should we let them know that green screens exist?

I think they're living in a blissful utopian community where CGI and green screen technology has not improved since 1979.

I'd like to leave them there.

They love practical effects.

They seem to be doing their effects like in the style of a journey to the moon.

It is a descent into elaborate madness that they have been doing here with regard to their Christmas cards.

And the question is,

Does the effort they put into these Christmas cards obviate the obligation to give presents?

Jesse Thorne, what do you think?

I have a really strong opinion about this one, John.

Go on.

I think that special holiday cards, especially those featuring photographs of the people who are sending them,

are inherently performative and self-centered.

And they are the opposite of a thoughtful gift.

They are the opposite of generosity.

And I don't think that they should be banned.

I'm not opposed to getting them.

I am not on Weird Al Yankovic's famous Christmas card list, but I did get a Christmas card from one P.W.

Herman.

Oh, well.

And it was a somewhat elaborate Christmas card, and it is one of my most treasured possessions.

And I'm sure that Warren and Candy's friends feel the same way about these remarkable

cards.

However, Warren and Candy cannot,

in my mind, pretend that they are doing all this work on behalf of others.

No, I couldn't agree with you more strongly, Jesse Thorne.

These kinds of cards can be very funny.

There's a family that sends a card to the local mom-and-pop grocery store, which due to,

I think, English language challenges, changed its name from 7th Avenue Grocery to The Bad Wife.

It's one of the greatest stores in the world.

Still not sure what they're going for with that new name, but it's the Bad Wife.

And there is a family that does great dress-up themed Christmas cards every year, including

some Star Wars-y ones, and then one that just is like this incredible 1970s Sears family portrait.

They're great, but there's no question that those cards, as much enjoyment as they might bring to your friends and families and your favorite green grocers, they are designed to reflect glory unto you.

They're kind of the opposite of the spirit of giving.

And giving a present, whether it is at Christmastime, Hanukkah, birthday, or any other present giving opportunity, really should be an act of selflessness

and generosity, such that even the smallest and inexpensive, if not zero expensive, gesture reflects how much you are thinking about the other person, not what kind of crazy costume you're going to wear this year.

So,

you know, sorry, Warren and Candace.

I appreciate what you're doing, and I have no doubt that people in your circle enjoy it a lot, but they are not a substitute for a thoughtful present, particularly if we're talking about family members.

Like, I don't know who you're trying to X off your Christmas list here, but if you're talking about moms and dads and siblings and so forth, no, you got to give those people a present.

You got to show them that you're thinking about them, not just about you.

Who am am I ruling against in this case, Jesse?

Because I lost my place.

Is it the husband?

I bet it's the husband.

Yes, you're ruling against the husband.

Ruling against the husband.

100% consistency in the court of Judge John Hodgman.

Sorry, husbands.

Do better.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, more DACA to clear on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom London.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket.

Here's something from Madeline.

When my boyfriend and I first moved in together, I quickly found out that he never locks his doors.

It was a point of distress for me.

After many a fight, he started locking the door.

However, A, he grumbles about it.

And B, he now wants me to leave the door unlocked whenever I am home before him.

I like to lock the door when I'm home alone.

The tipping point for me is that he wants me to even leave the door unlocked when we're in the basement or in the shower when I can't hear a darn thing.

Please, Judge John Hodgman, order my boyfriend to let me lock the door when I can't actually hear anyone at the door.

Also, order him to stop grouching about locking said door when no one is home.

Hmm.

Oh, what a life these people lead.

I live part-time in a part of the world called Maine where door locking is not 100%.

Joel, do you lock your door?

Never.

Right.

And where do you live?

Castine.

Right, Castine, Maine.

But specifically, what address?

P.O.

Box 704.

No, no, it's very uncommon for people to lock their doors around here.

I shouldn't even be saying this because thieves are going to come around and steal all my Burton Eye records.

You know, when I'm gone for a while, I'll lock the door, but on a day-to-day basis, I mean, you know, if I'm out running errands, probably I won't.

And it may be that, you know, this is a bit of a culture clash.

The Madeline's boyfriend lives in a rural-ish community where people just don't lock their doors.

And Madeline isn't used to that.

And for her to lock the door is jarring to the boyfriend because he does not understand why it's happening.

And he wants to get into his house to sneak up on Madeline while she's in the shower in the basement because it's fun to scare people.

On the other hand, I think Madeline has a right, as we all do,

to feel relative peace and security.

And if you are in the the shower or the basement, the two most intimate places you could be, you'd probably don't want to have to think about a stranger's type situation.

There are a lot of hands to this one, and I'm about to give you one more hand.

This is

Madeline's boyfriend's house or apartment.

I'm going to presume house, because if it's an apartment, then he's living in a dense urban area, and that guy should be locking his doors all the time.

That's crazy.

But presumably, it's a house, and it's definitely his property, or at least his name is is on the rental lease.

So shouldn't he have a right to determine when or if the doors are locked?

Jesse Thorne, what do you think?

I, you know,

I think this is the same as that money at the ATMs thing,

where I just get the money in my pocket as quick as possible because I'm sure somebody's on the roll-up.

Right.

Like my childhood drama of living in a troubled urban neighborhood

is far too great for me to see fit that there being anything but pure insanity at the heart of not locking your door.

I have to say, like, when I bought a cabin in the mountains, the house that I bought is in this town that's like

three turn right and go to the end of the roads.

Like, it's an hour from the nearest grocery store.

And

when I was worrying about where to hide a key, my neighbor Skip

was, he was like borderline mad at me for locking my door.

Yeah.

And I'm like, well,

I don't know.

What if I'm not there and somebody comes to steal my TV VCR?

You got a combo?

I got a combo, baby.

That's the dream of every cabin.

That thing's like at least 20 inches, too.

It's a big one.

Whoa, combo, TV VCR.

I've wanted one of those since 1991.

Yeah, well, I've had one since 2016.

Yeah, if only I knew a poorly guarded place where I could get one.

Yeah, I mean, look, I mean,

the thing is that while in my experience of not locking doors, it has never, ever, ever, ever been an issue, it is one of those things where it only needs to go wrong once.

And all of a sudden, you know, your TV VCR is missing and your Burton Eye records are gone.

And also your house has been violated.

And that's not fun.

Judge Hodgman, can I say something about this?

Sure.

So, my one experience with unlocked doors was this.

I used to live in a duplex.

My mother lived in a duplex with an upper and lower unit, and they shared a gate to the street.

And

my mother didn't lock the front door because the gate locked automatically.

And

one day, my friend David Carroll came over for an overnight.

And when his,

as best as we can tell,

when his father picked him up the next morning,

he didn't fully close the gate.

And a man with a knife came into our house in the middle of the night when we were there and threatened my mother, stole some stuff, and ran.

So

the part of this that makes me the most nervous is that they feel like it's fine.

They both seem to be okay with the idea that it is fine as long as they're there.

Right.

That's the part that worries me the most.

And again, I recognize the

non-universality of my experience.

However, dot, dot, dot.

No, I agree.

As I say, it only takes one time where the system goes wrong and there's a home intruder writing threats on your walls and wearing a burlap sack over his head.

And that's no fun for anyone.

So while I trust that Madeline's boyfriend knows his community and probably is right that it's unnecessary to lock the door, As Madeline's boyfriend, he should care about her comfort and state of mind.

And she simply does not feel feel comfortable, you know, taking a shower or hanging in the basement with the door unlocked.

So stop crouching.

And you know what I would say is do what I've always wanted to do for 10 years and have never gotten around to do it.

Get a biometric door lock.

Just get a thing where you don't use a key, you just use your thumb and it opens and then you don't have to worry about it.

And then it's like...

You guys can go in and you don't have to get your key out or anything.

It's almost like just leaving your door unlocked, except you got a cool thumb pad.

And that's awesome.

And if anybody breaks into your house, it's just going to be some skinny hacker dork.

Yeah, right.

Or someone who cut off your boyfriend's thumb.

Micah says, my 34-year-old coworker refuses to categorize himself as a millennial, although he clearly falls within the Pew Research Center guidelines of the age range, as well as the general consensus of the definition of millennial.

I think he just wants to separate himself from a group that's commonly maligned and enjoys jumping on the anti-millennial bandwagon.

I would ask that the judge issue an injunction against my coworkers' continued smug anti-millennial vitriol, as well as issue a judgment that he is indeed a millennial.

Appropriate damages would be this coworker catering an avocado toast breakfast for all staff members in our office between the ages of 22 and 37.

No, Micah, you should buy a house for all those people.

My first instinct, no, seriously, Jesse, my first instinct was to say that jumping on the anti-millennial bandwagon is a millennial thing to do.

But then I realized that's not exactly true.

I mean, I don't know how you define millennial.

I would presume you're going with the Pew Research Center's guidelines

that I did not think to look up on the internet.

But generally speaking, when we talk about a millennial, the sniffy way of describing them are young people in their 20s who are constantly taking pictures of themselves and their food, seem totally self-involved, seem absolutely free of any shame or hang-ups with regard to hugging and kissing other human beings,

tend to be, I guess, sort of pansexual and

very low-key in their dating theories, and basically are having a good time and we hate that, right?

Isn't that what a millennial is to you, Jesse?

Or is that just me?

Judge Hodgman, I'm just going to go ahead and

use this opportunity to borrow the punchline of the classic joke about the Long Ranger in Tonto and say, what do you mean we, pale face?

Oh, no, you're a millennial.

I'm a millennial, baby!

1981!

I forgot that another definition of millennial is podcast entrepreneur.

Aging public radio host,

podcast entrepreneur, self-starter, designs the world that he wants to live in and does so with a huge amount of gumption, smarts, and decency,

who, even though he is 10 years younger than I, and in this case I'm referring specifically to Jesse Thorne, who uses the he-him pronouns, also knows all of the cultural references that I know somehow mysteriously and makes me feel young.

Until you got to that specific part about age, I just assumed you were talking about Roman Mars.

That's like, I think he's a Gen Xer.

You know, I grew up at a time where cool authenticity was the thing that you need, like, you needed to be punk rock.

And that means you needed to be sneering and cynical about everything.

I grew up at a time when

it was believed and with reason

that if you kissed another person, you'd probably get AIDS and die.

I grew up in a time where everyone was very, very, very nervous about where they stood both culturally and sexually.

And it was a very anxious period of time, and there's a lot of shame involved.

Millennials don't seem to feel feel any of that.

And rather than wag my finger at them about it,

I say maybe they seem happy.

Like the fact that they are not being punished for their lack of shame is a revelation to me.

The fact that they're being rewarded for their happiness, that's something that maybe we should emulate.

And there's no reason to, you know, speak ill of these millennials just because they're taking pictures of themselves all the time.

They like themselves.

That's not something that we were raised to believe was okay, but maybe it is okay.

And in the meantime, I will say, you know, don't take naked pictures of yourself too much because that stuff lives on the internet forever.

And I revise my initial thought.

You know, jumping on the anti-millennial bandwagon is not millennia at all.

That's hipsterism.

That is using cultural snobbery as a way of

maintaining self-importance.

And so I weirdly find in favor of Micah's coworker, even though he is the right age for millennialism, he is a self-loathing hipster and therefore is exempt from the category.

So no avocado toast for you guys.

The docket is now officially clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman, our show recorded by Joel Mann at W-E-R-U in Orland, Maine, produced and engineered here in Los Angeles by Jennifer Marmer.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your JudgeJohn Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ HO, and check out the the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash JJHO or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

Millennials rule, Gen X drools.

I think we can all agree that the worst are the baby boomers.

We'll see you next time

on the Judge John Hodgman.

Joel, don't,

Jensey, I'm in this room with Joel.

You can't say that.

He's just stood up very slowly, but he stood up.

The greatest generation of all.

Thanks again, Joel.

See you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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