The Whistle Throne

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in Chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me, as always, the live insinuous Judge John Hodgman.

Hi, Jesse.

How are you?

I'm well.

And you?

Good.

And with both of us, we have an incredible guest docket clearer.

Yes, you know her from television.

She was a regular on Parks and Recreation.

She was on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

She's been the host of many television programs.

She is a brilliant comic performer, writer, and improviser.

And she's one of the stars of maximumfun.org's brand new first ever scripted narrative comedy program, Bubble, the great Allison Becker.

Hi, Allison.

Thank you.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Allison.

Thank you for joining us here in my virtual chambers.

Thank you for having me.

I guess I probably, you know, I thought, oh, I'll lead with Parks and Recreation.

Sure, everybody remembers Allison's fine work as a reporter on Parks and Recreation.

But now it occurs to me, I probably should have just led with the fact that you've seen John Bon Jovi in concert 32 times.

22.

22, okay.

I've probably only one more Jersey girl who's seen him more than I, who hit the 32 mark.

But yeah, 22 times.

I'm not ashamed of that fact.

No, I can tell.

No, I can tell.

You seem very comfortable with it, and I admire it.

Allison, I have a question about this incredible.

Yes, Your Honor.

First time seeing Bon Jovi and most recent time seeing Bon Jovi.

Break it down.

Great questions.

The first time I was 16, and believe it or not, I was living in Switzerland.

And he was playing there, and I skipped school and took the train from Geneva to Lausanne and saw Bon Jovi in the front row.

Wow.

Cried.

Now, what was Bon Jovi doing in the front row?

Watching the opener.

Yes.

We do a lot of participle humor here.

Yes.

He was on the Keep the Faith tour.

I don't know if you remember that one.

I lost the faith in the front tour.

Okay, okay.

And then the most recent time I saw him was at

the Staples Center downtown.

Oh, right here in Los Angeles.

Right here in Los Angeles, California.

Headlining the John Bon Jovi tour.

Yeah, the John Bon Jovi tour, exactly.

John Bon Jovi and friends or did he?

No, No, just John Bon Jovi.

Got it.

So I have two questions, follow-up questions, if I may.

Yes.

First of all, what were you doing in Switzerland?

Did you just think you might be able to catch Bon Jovi and get a better sense?

Yeah, I was just following him.

I lived there for a couple of years.

My dad used to work for the UN, so my brother and I and my mom, we lived over there as well.

And

I went, yeah, two years of high school.

My freshman and sophomore year of high school were in Geneva, Switzerland.

Now, did you speak English?

Did you speak French?

Did you speak Romanche?

Did you speak

German?

What?

German?

Thank you for asking the educated questions because it is shocking the number of people who ask me, oh, you lived in Switzerland.

Do you speak Swedish?

And I say, no, it was Switzerland, not Sweden.

And then usually the follow-up question is, do you speak Swiss?

And I say, funny story, there is no Swiss language.

Well, there is French, German, Italian, Swiss German, which is half French, half German, and then Swiss Italian, which is half French, half Italian.

We spoke French in Geneva, but I was taught in English in school.

What was

my thing to do for two years?

Ah, wee-wee.

I mean, just to see.

That means yes, yes.

Yes.

So all I did was see Bonjovi.

You put yourself right in his sights.

And so then the most recent time was at the Staples Center.

Was that within the past year or two or three or what?

No, it was actually like three years ago.

All right.

Well, you know.

Wow.

Are you going through Bon Jovi withdrawals?

I kind of am.

Is that why you're a little shaky right now?

Yeah.

Can you tell?

Because I'm on my medication, but

my Bon Jovi medication.

Yeah, a lot of people think the only way to do it is to go through BJA, but they have actually medications that can help you kick now.

Yeah, and you have to go to the tanning salon once a month

and get your name airbrushed.

Jersey humor, guys.

Jersey humor.

So how did the two concerts compare?

John, this is not hyperbole, okay?

He is

a rock star.

He is a rock star.

And I can guarantee you that at some point, you guys are going to see him.

Maybe you have and you don't want to admit it, but you will see them perform live and you will

say, oh my God, this guy is a rock star.

He's just so high energy, has fun performing.

You know all the songs and he looks good.

Yeah, he's a very good looking guy.

Yeah.

He brought a medal to beyond an audience of just sad dudes.

And married, like our beloved Jesse Thorne, married his high school sweetheart.

Yeah, and a wonderful person,

incredibly charismatic.

Bon Jovi, ladies and gentlemen.

If you haven't heard of him, check him out at Bon Jovi.com, playing Madison Square Garden this very night that we are recording right here in New York City, where I am.

Chances are.

Once you're done listening to Bubble.

So listen to Bubble first, then check out Bon Jovi.

Or at the same time.

Yeah.

Bon Jovi, if you're out there and you want to be in Bubble, let us know.

Let us know.

Yeah, we're down.

My personal phone number is.

Okay, here's something from Ben.

Sometimes I whistle while doing small tasks around my apartment.

My girlfriend will almost immediately start whistling a different tune or at a different pace.

This causes me to cease my own whistling.

But she continues, having taken over the whistle throne.

Oh man, he really, if you want to get yourself on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, come up with a phrase as perfect as whistle throne.

Having taken over the whistle throne with tactics I choose not to use because they are foul and unfair.

She says she did it to her brother when she was younger because it would annoy him.

While annoying, I'm not her brother, and I really do enjoy whistling.

I would like to continue, but this whistling feud has put me at an impasse.

P.S.

My girlfriend also whistles quite competently.

She does not sound like the death whistle that you have featured on your docket clearing twice before.

We've had a couple right in with a dispute where the dude is like, please order my wife to stop whistling.

She's terrible at it.

And I don't like to order people to stop singing or laughing or expressing themselves musically because that's part of the great joy of being human and the consolation that we offer to ourselves as we ponder our inevitable death, whistling past the graveyard, after all.

But then I listened to a clip of her whistling, and it was terrible.

And I said, stop it.

Well, we actually have clips of Ben and Ben's girlfriend, Mac, whistling.

So why don't we take a listen first to Ben whistling.

Does this go on for like 35 more minutes or what?

I like that he had a dog scratching itself in the background.

I also heard a pipe being smoked.

Yeah.

And wood being whittled.

I think the thing is that he sent this to us on a wax cylinder from 1911.

Ben's whistling had, I thought, a pleasing tone if, and I'm no Chevy Chase, but inconsistent pitch.

Yeah.

I found it quite melodic and calming.

Yeah, very charming.

There was some vibrato in there, but I feel like it was being deployed to cover up his bad pitch.

Here's Ben's girlfriend, Mac, whistling.

I hope that these songs that they're whistling are in the public domain, by the way.

Well, they're not.

I mean, that latter one was not because that is, and I think this will decide the case, that is the theme from the movie Babe.

Wow, well done, John.

It just hit me.

Please, you can call me your or honor.

You don't have to call me.

But I knew it was going to be something that we've mentioned on the podcast before because these people who write in are inveterate panderers, and I love it.

And then I knew that I knew when there was something in that song.

I was like, oh,

she's playing a mind game here because we already know that Mac is a competitor, that she's just jumping in on Ben's whistling and grabbing that whistle throne.

We also know that Mac is, I'm assuming, a human, but after hearing that whistling, I just pictured her as a beautiful yellow bird.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Point taken.

Right?

I'll admit that into evidence.

But you know, this is not, I mean, while I think that we could, the three of us have an extremely successful podcast where we just review whistlers every week.

It's also called Whistle Throne, ironically enough.

It's called Whistle Throne.

Oh, man.

You know what, Jennifer Marmor?

Shut down our podcast.

This is the last episode.

Because we are going to make a fortune on Whistle Throne.

And I'm not giving Ben or Mac any money for that.

It's just you, Allison, you, me, and Jesse Thorne.

I'm even going to speak very dramatically to say that you, me, and Jesse Thorne are going to make a fortune on Whistle Throne.

You got it.

But since we have to finish this last and final episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, this is not a competition on style.

This is a judgment of fairness.

Is all fair in love and war when it comes to taking the Whistle Throne?

Allison, what do you think of Mac's strategy here of just whistling over Ben till he gives up?

Well, again, as someone from New Jersey, which I will bring up quite a bit both today and for the rest of my life.

Well, that's a real change from what normally happens on this program where John and I never mention the respective places we're from.

Get ready.

We in Jersey show our affection through

making fun of each other

and kind of pushing buttons.

Yeah, pain, basically.

And hoagies to a lesser extent.

Hoagies, yes.

Subs, depending on what part of Jersey you're from.

But

I really sympathize with Max.

I think she's doing it out of love.

Because she said, I did this with my brother.

It's kind of like, well, come on, this is a playful thing.

However, if he is overly sensitive about it, maybe you could back off a little.

But also, on the flip side, grow up, Ben.

Right?

You can't take the jersey out of Allison.

Grow up, Ben.

Allison, do you say tailor ham or do you say Taylor pork roll?

I say Taylor Ham, Taylor Ham, egg, and cheese on a hard roll.

Well, unfortunately, you're wrong.

Because I say pork roll.

And clearly, whether you are from Northern Jersey, where you say sub and Taylor Ham, or Southern Jersey, where you say hoagie or Taylor pork roll, Mac is clearly busting Ben's pork roll on this one.

Oh, she is.

Well played.

Yeah.

But that said, Mac, you know, Mac is a fierce competitor.

She wanted to win this thing, and she came in whistling that song from the movie Babe.

And Jesse Thorne, the world's greatest fan of Babe, did not even recognize the song.

Technically, I'm the world's biggest fan of Babe 2, Babe Pig in the City.

I have heard him discuss it before.

I can back that up.

I take it back.

But I think the song is used in different ways.

I'm a big fan of regular Babe 2.

It's a wonderful movie.

But the one that's closest to my heart is Babe Pig in the City.

Yeah.

The fact, though, that she came in that strong trying to sway this court and sway my bailiff, and yet he didn't even recognize the song she was whistling.

Mac, you got to get better at whistling.

Wow.

Ben was no great chops.

No offense to either of you guys.

And you got to get better at pandering.

Give me If I Had No Lute by Tony Tony Tony.

Or give me Bye-Bye Baby, the home run theme song of the San Francisco Giant.

We can't afford these songs.

Give me, that's a good point.

Just give me the old gray mare.

Here's my ruling.

I agree with Allison that Mac is doing this.

First of all, Mac's name is Mac, which is awesome.

Oh, it's so cool.

I want to date her so bad that I'm happily married.

I want to date her and I'm straight.

Yeah, there you go.

This is incredible pork roll busting on Mac's part.

It is clearly an act of affection.

Ben should be happy that his girlfriend cares enough to try to torture him in this way.

And she's a fierce competitor who came up with an incredible attempt at pandering to sway over the bailiff, even though she failed.

I'm going to rule in her favor, although I'm going to give Ben some satisfaction too by saying he's a better whistler than Mac.

And he's just going to have to whistle harder if he wants to get that whistle-thrum back.

Here's something from Marissa.

My fiancé and I are in the midst of planning our wedding.

As part of that, we're trying to decide what food we want to have for the reception.

He desperately wants to have wood-fired pizzas, but I think it will take way too long to feed 150 people.

He obviously disagrees and thinks the guests won't care if the food takes a little longer.

Our friends and family are divided on this issue as well.

Help us!

Hmm.

Alison, may I ask you a personal question?

Am I married?

No.

Okay, great.

Is that what you're going to ask?

Yes.

I was just going to ask for your social security number.

I'm not married, but I have attended many weddings.

Okay, well, what do you think about Marissa and her fiancé's dispute here?

Well, on the one hand, when people complain about weddings, I'm like, I don't care because you're doing this yourself.

But on the other hand,

did you say you're doing this yourself or you're doing this to yourself?

To yourself.

I just find that everyone who's planning a wedding is complaining so much.

And I just want to say, you know, you don't have to do this.

Wow.

You can just run off and get married.

This is the outside of the box thinking that I think is the benefit of bringing a third party into this docket clearing.

From Jersey.

Yeah, from Jersey in particular.

It's just like, yeah, right.

You know what?

This whole dispute is canceled.

Stop complaining.

That's amazing.

There also, I think, to a certain extent, has never been a failed wedding.

Like, there is no more surefire social event than a wedding.

Yeah, yeah, because it's a lot of people.

Because there's a, you know, the wedding plot.

It has to happen.

Yeah.

If, if the, I mean, obviously the people are left on the altar, and that's very sad.

I apologize if anyone has had that happen in their life who's listening right now.

But presuming that the ceremony takes place, everything else, you know, you could could hit an iceberg and sink, and everybody will be like, well, wasn't that beautiful when those two people professed their love in front of all of us?

I would argue that that would make it, like, whenever I hear about weddings that are kind of a disaster, and people will be like, it was a disaster.

Like, my dress ripped.

And I'm like, but what a cool, fun story for your wedding.

Coal-fired pizza.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I mean, that's why every time I throw a party, I get married.

Because it works.

It works.

But all joking aside, I am very serious about party planning.

So I respect the planning of a party, whether it is a wedding or not.

And this is a legitimate question.

I think wood-fired pizza is delightful, but I'm going to agree with the bride in this that it's going to take too long for 150 people.

Unless there's like 75

wood ovens.

I would recommend doing that for the rehearsal dinner, maybe a casual thing where you go up and get your pizza when you want it, but not for a sit-down dinner for a wedding.

Interesting.

Jesse Thorne, do you have an opinion?

I had a taco truck at my wedding, wedding, and the reasons were this.

Tacos are awesome.

Yeah, I love tacos.

It's my favorite thing to eat.

That was reason number one, and it was my favorite taco truck

that I ate.

It's like, if I could translate for you, Allison, it's like if you could get those pork kogi things for your wedding.

Served by Bon Jovi.

Yeah.

And the reason that I did it is just because the choices were pay $10 per person to have tacos or pay $100 per person to have any catered meal of any kind that wasn't the taco truck.

So just the mere fact that they're going to be providing any actual meal food is awe-inspiring to me.

And all I want is for them to scale back their ambitions.

Trevor Burrus, How did the timing go with the taco truck?

Well, with the taco truck, it was just there the whole reception.

So anytime anyone wanted to eat.

So there was was no need for sit-down table service.

And that's a good point.

If it's not sit-down dinner, then I think it's fine if it's just there when people want to do it.

But if it is sit-down, it's not a good idea.

Allison, I think that your suggestion of doing this as the rehearsal dinner meal is a great compromise.

But this podcast is not about compromise.

Nor will their wedding be and their marriage.

Right.

And

frankly, welcoming you from New Jersey, I'm surprised that you even offered a compromise.

Let's stop that right away.

No more compromises for the rest of the day.

And I hate to overrule you, but you're coming around, I think, to what is the accurate and correct decision, which is go for the wood-fired pizza.

Here's the thing.

I've seen them at parties and food festivals and street fairs and stuff.

Their people have these trailers with these huge wood-fired pizza ovens that they just bring on by.

And you can't tell me, having been to a number of weddings, that they can't pump out enough pies to feed 150 people at the same rate that they're pumping out many lamb chops at a regular catered event.

Of course they can.

Pizzas, you put two or three pizzas in there, you keep them going, you keep them coming out.

People come up, they eat them off the pizza table area the same way they would

go get a taco at Jesse's taco truck.

I couldn't attend your wedding, Jesse.

I'm really sorry about it.

I apologize.

I wanted to be there, but I couldn't.

I don't forgive you.

All right.

So I think that you're absolutely right, Allison, that if and only if

the reception is organized in a loose way where people can go up and get their food when they want it, then a casual modern wedding.

A casual wow.

Yeah, a cash mod wed.

I actually have a subscription to that magazine.

And I would argue that that would be a great way to feed your guests at a wedding.

Because at a wedding, you know, very, very few people want to actually sit down and eat a formal meal.

They want to be socializing and seeing their friends and hopefully dancing.

getting drunk.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm just, I'm just what goes better with drunk than pizza.

It's one of the great drunk pairings.

Once again, Your Honor, you're right.

Well,

we're all right, of course.

But I will order Marissa and her fiancé, whom she does not bother to name, which is

a good omen.

Let's call him Mac.

I will order, in honor of Allison joining us today, I will order them to serve a particular dessert.

Allison, this was brought to my attention on Twitter today by Twitter user and Judge John Hodgman listener, Will Bryan, at WCBryan, B-R-Y-A-N-80.

Did you know that there is now Taylor ham-flavored ice cream?

Hold, stop, everything.

What?

No, I did not.

It's an announcement.

I mean, stop everything is absolutely correct.

This is jaw-dropping.

It's a good thing.

This is the last episode of Judge John Hodgman because we were turning out the lights.

Where does one get this?

This was reported in foodandwine.com on May the 2nd.

And I actually don't know where you get it.

Hang on, I'll just.

Definitely in Jersey.

You get it in a dumpster from the back of Denny's in Jersey.

I will not name the company that is making this because they're not giving us any money.

It's bad enough that I said food and wine.

But if you Google it, basically what they do is they saute

chunks of Taylor ham, aka Taylor pork roll, in brown sugar.

Oh, yes.

To candy it, basically.

And then they mix it into, I think, vanilla ice cream or something.

And it sounds disgusting and yet undeniable on some level.

Well, listen, that bacon and dessert trend was a big thing.

Right.

So why not Taylor ham?

That's right.

And so, Marissa and unnamed groom, guess what you're serving for dessert?

Right after your wood-fired pizza, everyone's got to eat pork ice cream.

And if you invite me to that wedding, I will go to that wedding.

And in conclusion, you're also required to have hay bales just because, not because of anything about this show, it's just that, like, I guess all weddings have hay bales now.

Yeah, all cash mod weds do.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week with our friend Allison Becker, star of the Smash Hit MaxFun comedy program Bubble.

Allison,

I'm going to feign ignorance here.

What is Bubble?

Bubble is an incredibly funny podcast done in

the old, I want to say old timey radio play style because it's a sitcom basically on the radio.

Yeah, new timey radio play.

I mean, one of our producers produces comedy sitcoms for the BBC, where they still have radio comedy sitcoms.

And it takes place in a

future.

In an alternate universe,

universe future.

Yeah, and it's hilarious.

And I don't want to give away too much, but there's all sorts of monsters and hilarious characters.

And so many, you guys got such great guest stars.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Can I say some of the guest stars?

Yeah, say some of the guest stars.

I mean, Lisa Loeb, Judy Greer, Rob Hubel, Rob Cordry, like.

John Hodgman.

John Hodgman.

Hey, I'm right here.

You put me in the story to quote that actor.

Yeah, you guys got amazing, amazing, an amazing cast.

I mean, besides myself, of course.

Eliza Skinner, Keith Powell from 30 Rock, like amazing people.

I have to say that, like, having spent

two very long days plus a number of days of pickup helping to direct actors in this show.

And I won't say whether I have a special cameo in the show, but we'll leave that unsaid.

But mostly I was working behind the scenes with Jordan Morris, who you've worked with, Alison, as, of course, I do on George Jesse's.

He's amazing.

And a very talented director named Eric Martin.

But the most amazing thing about making one of these kinds of shows by a thousand-mile long shot is what they call efforts, which is all of the things.

And Bubble is sort of an action comedy.

It's about a city that's inside a literal bubble in an alternate universe where, you know, like a Portland kind of place, like a hip town kind of place is protected by this bubble from a nightmarish wasteland full of terrifying monsters.

Exactly.

So there are fights with these terrifying monsters.

And God, there is nothing more wonderful than just saying to John Roderick or Rob Cordre,

okay, now you just got attacked by the giant psychic brain.

It's shooting lasers out of its eyes at you, and then they have to go, ooh,

ooh.

I would absolutely buy a long-playing record album of grunts and other sounds of John Roderick pretending to be hit in the breadbasket.

I bet he did a great job.

I can't imagine how good he did on that.

That's amazing.

Well, Jesse Thorne, Allison, you are a delight in Bubble, and you're a delight here on the Judge John Hodgman clearing Clearing the Docket episode.

Where can we hear Bubble?

How do we go and hear this thing?

All you got to do is open up your podcast software and search for Bubble.

You can also find it on maximumfund.org.

Eight episodes.

Okay, here's something from Danny.

She says, my friend Clay and I have been arguing about the seasons.

Oh, boy.

This is good.

God, I love this.

I love this already.

I think Frankie Valley.

I live in Australia.

He lives in the Australian.

Wait a minute.

Frankie Valley wasn't even even one of the seasons, right?

Wasn't it?

Frankie Valley and the four seasons?

He was the fifth season.

The much rumored fifth season.

Umami.

Born.

Okay, I live in Australia.

He lives in the U.S.

After he complained about a hot February day, I joked about it still being winter where he was.

He said it was spring because he was in Alabama.

If he goes by astronomical seasons, as is standard in the U.S., spring doesn't start until the vernal equinox or the 20th of March.

If he goes by meteorological seasons like Australia does, spring would start on the 1st of March.

Either way, he was still technically in winter.

He said that those definitions are stupid and that spring means when the weather gets warmer and the plants come back.

Please say some reasonable words that will either remind me to take things less seriously or that my friend is a stubborn jerk who won't listen to definitions of spring.

Your friend's an idiot, Next case.

Wow.

There is a lot of things to unpack here.

Danny has actually looked up the definitions of spring in both nations.

I did not know that Australia went by meteorological seasons.

Yeah, I don't know.

What does that mean?

I don't know what it means, but other than that I would have presumed that it means what Clay is saying, which is to say when the weather turns, it becomes spring.

And I'm kidding, of course, Clay.

You're not an idiot.

You might be for other reasons, but not for this.

Yeah, and I always thought that Australia was upside-down land and that when it was winter, I mean, let's set aside the technical definitions.

When it was what we call wintertime here, it was summer-like technology.

That's what I thought, too.

Yeah, it's famous for being in reverse.

Like, it's supposed to be that when you flush the toilet in Australia, the pea comes up out of the toilet.

Do you think we're famous to them for the same reason?

I think so.

That backwards America plays.

Yeah.

But they say it in an an Australian accent.

The only things I know about Australia, frankly, are from watching the Yahoo Sirius vehicle Young Einstein as a child.

Thank you for specifying which Yahoo Serious movie.

Crocodile Dundee.

Watching Crocodile Dundee, which I actually watched again a few years ago.

and from watching the Australian American Pickers knock off or spin-off, Aussie pickers.

I'm a little disappointed that in Australia, they didn't have a different Australia-only term for antique picking.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

I would put, frankly, I would put Aussie Pickers as the third best pickers show that I've seen after both American Pickers and Canadian Pickers.

Wow, okay.

Interesting.

Like, they should have something like Tikkers or something, or Teak Trampers, or something like that.

That seems like more Australian to me.

I agree.

Yeah, Teak Trampers is perfect.

But you know what?

This whole dispute has nothing to do with Australia.

That's just where Danny happens to live.

The question is: can Clay get away with calling February spring just because he happens to live in Alabama?

Allison, yay or nay on Clay?

My initial instinct was nay on Clay because, as we know, spring starts on a certain date.

It's written in our calendars, and calendars don't lie.

But

if you look at it in the more poetic sense, if you will, oh, spring is here, the crocuses are blooming.

I think that's a well-one of my favorite poems.

That's like, that's acceptable.

I think that's how Clay is thinking about it in just like a general way.

Like, women are in sundresses.

Spring is here.

But I'm a very literal person.

So I'm going to side with Danny on this one.

What would Punksatawney Phil say?

That's my question.

Bailiff Jesse Thorin, you live in Los Angeles, Southern California.

Well, you both do, where,

like Alabama, you do not experience what we commonly call winter here in the northeast of the United States.

You do not experience snow or deep cold.

In fact,

your climate is characterized by a lot of the sameness over the course of the year.

Do you describe certain periods of the year as winter, spring, summer, and fall, even though most of the time it's just the same kind of blaring, a warm, delightful sun?

Yes, we have seasons here, even though they're less firmly demarcated by huge swings in temperature.

For now.

I think that speaking in my capacity as not a nerd, but artsy,

I say that I am

with

Clay on this one, which is to say that I do not believe in hardline, date-based changes of season.

Do you forget your wife's birthday a lot?

I do.

I see where this is coming from.

Okay, in fact.

States are.

You know what?

I say that spring begins on the day of my wife's birthday, March 18th.

Thank you very much.

When she blooms like a croquet.

By that reckoning, of course, Clay would be wrong as he is wrong by any reckoning nay on clay that's the tiebreaker yay on danny nay on clay i did not go through

uh

now uh 46 northeastern februaries to have some alabaman tell me that it's spring sorry i have first of all endorsed objective truth that we have established when spring begins and it is march the 20th for all of our great states.

And second of all, out of sheer resentment of the Alabamian climate, and I don't even want to be corrected on that,

on the Bammon climate?

I don't know.

It's a wonderful state in some ways.

I like Jason Sims and his wife Brandy and their family, but I'm going to say, out of sheer resentment of the warm climate of the American South, February is winter everywhere, all the time.

No way.

It is not spring.

I don't care what is blooming.

Here's something from Adam.

My wife and I were out to dinner at a sit-down restaurant when we overheard the table next to us ordering an entire course to go.

I said, this is an obvious abuse of the formal dining code, which clearly states that if you're dining at a restaurant, you should eat at the restaurant.

Only if, after an honest attempt to finish your meal, may you take leftovers home with you.

An honest attempt.

An honest attempt.

Adam perceives a lot of deceit in this world, but go on.

My wife disagrees.

She says once you've paid for the food, the place where you consume it is irrelevant.

While I agree that this is economically true, there seems something inherently wrong about the practice.

What say you, Judge?

Well, before I say me, Judge, what say you, Allison?

Well, I unfortunately have a lot of follow-up questions about this one, which which cannot be answered.

What would you ask, Adam?

For example, was the restaurant full at the time?

Was it a Friday night?

Why would that make a difference?

Because, as someone who's worked at a restaurant before, if you're taking up a seat at a restaurant that could be used for a diner that's there, a party that's there waiting, then yeah, you should wait for your food somewhere else and take it and leave.

But if there's no one using that table, I'd say it's fair game to do it.

I mean, I would say that if you're a server at a sit-down restaurant and someone said, you know what, I actually can't stay.

Could I just get this food to go?

That would increase your turnover and they would leave sooner and you'd get to seat another party and get to get another check right quick, right?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Make that money.

What other questions do you have for Adam?

What, like, how about what's your goddamn problem?

Why is it any of your business?

What's your problem?

Which course?

Like, if it was the soup course, that would be pretty weird.

Yeah.

Like, if you just finished your salad and you're like, well, take the soup to go.

Can you bring us the mains?

Also, also,

i've i've as i enter my old age uh i do realize let the record reflect that allison is very young particularly for someone who's seen john bon jovi 22 times thank you god bless you um

Sometimes you don't realize what's going on in people's lives.

Like maybe that couple just had a fight and decided to go home, or maybe they were tired, or they missed their kids, or just something that you don't know why they made that decision.

They got to get home for a babysitter.

Yeah, and P.S., maybe they were just jerks, which is how I went through my life for most of my life, just assuming everyone else was jerks.

But now I'm just like, you know what?

People have stuff going on.

Maybe they.

That's the New Jersey state motto, isn't it?

Exactly.

Everyone else is jerks.

Everyone else is jerks.

Jersey.

But maybe they.

Punch a teacher on the boardwalk.

Jersey.

Yeah, maybe they had something going on and they had to skedaddle out of there.

I have to say that I find myself, since I've had three children, often taking, going, I'll go, if I'm working from home, which I do when I can, I will sometimes take myself out to lunch at my favorite restaurant down on the corner, La Abeja.

Shout out to La Abeja.

And my wife sometimes is unable to join me because we have a one-year-old baby and the baby naps during our lunchtime.

The baby will nap, you know, 11 to 1 or something like that.

So she will say, well, while you're there, can you get me something to go and bring it home for me to eat when you're done?

Right.

Which is so sweet.

I know.

I'm a really sweet guy.

So there are a lot of situations.

I don't think that Adam's formalist obsession with the unstated formal dining code, which I see as

probably like the comics books code.

It's probably just an attempt to avoid regulation.

But I think this is just him being a goof.

He's just making up rules in his head.

It's easier to send food to go than it is to bring food and wait on someone for the restaurant's resources.

They just put it in a bag and send you on your way.

Sidebar.

Have you guys been to the Italian food chain Maggiano's?

No.

No.

Because there is a whole section of their menu where you order a pasta and then you order a second pasta that they bring you to go.

Yeah.

And it's like $12 for both.

So you'll be like, can I get spaghetti and meatballs?

And they're like, and, and you're like, and Fettuccini Alfredo.

And then you get it to go.

That's really interesting because that just came up as a point of discussion on another podcast, which I will name the Doughboys Podcast, and a delightful podcast that I am openly known as being a fan of.

Hosted by Mike Mitchell, star of Bubble.

Oh,

everything is drawn into this bubble.

I wish we were all kept in a bubble and forced to live there together because everyone in this thing is a delight.

But

this came up as a point of discussion when they revisited Olive Garden with Joel Kim Booster, this idea, and I'd never heard of it before, and this is the second time today that I've heard of it, like that it is on offer at some of these chain Italian restaurants that you order one entree and for a discounted price, you can get a second one to bring home with you.

So, you know, the thing is that Adam makes this big point of there being at a sit-down restaurant, and it seems to connote that it is something more than a fast casual sit-down restaurant or a chain casual sit-down restaurant, that it might be a more formal sit-down restaurant.

And that's supposed to make a huge difference in my heart when the reality is that, yes, in terms of fine dining, there is a certain expectation that you're going to sit there and eat the food that you have ordered.

But I think the finer a restaurant is, the more amenable it will be to its customers' needs, no matter what.

And if something has changed in that person's plans or they have a partner at home who couldn't join them for dinner, but they want to nourish them by bringing them food from the restaurant, ordering an entree to go at the table, if you are polite about it and decent about it, the restaurant, I think, would be foolish not to accommodate you and make you feel welcome and at home.

It is, after all, the hospitality industry, not the spite-spitality industry.

However, you know, if you're that server, I just want to bring up one other point that I have from working at restaurants.

Please, which is,

if you are helping someone with a to-go order, you don't really get or expect a tip.

But if you are serving someone at a seat, you should and can expect a tip.

So I would say that that couple who is definitely not listening to this, the couple who is ordering the

one at the other table.

Exactly.

No, because they're living their lives happily.

Yeah, they don't worry about anything.

No, it's only Adam

who is bitter and mad at the whole world that he's listening to podcasts, hoping that

we will

ratify his snap judgments of his fellow people.

But I hope that that couple at least tipped.

Yeah, no, I would hope so.

I want to know what course they ordered to go.

He said they ordered an entire course.

That was another weird wording, right?

That he said cheese.

Did they order the cheese course to go?

And was it dessert?

I'm fine if it's dessert.

I've ordered dessert to go.

Let's go home and eat dessert together.

Great.

Sold.

Is that on offer here, John?

Should we get out of here?

Let's take a quick break so we can get to Allison's house and eat some dessert.

We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lom.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, where the formal dining code always applies.

We're clearing the docket this week with our friend Allison Becker, star of the new Max Fun comedy podcast, Bubble.

As well as all your favorite television shows and movies.

Oh, yeah, including an upcoming program on Netflix.

That's right.

Have you heard of Netflix?

I've heard about this.

This is a DVD by mail service that's become very popular.

Yes, it has.

They also have some original programs which star various members of Bruce Springsteen's band.

Absolutely.

And I am on a show called Best Worst Weekend Ever, which is actually a kid's show about a comic book.

Oh, cool.

And I play the mom.

Oh, wow.

Really?

Yeah, it's real fun.

You're a mom on a show.

I'm a mom on a show.

Wow.

Never would have guessed you were mom on a show, aged.

Thanks.

I'm wearing rib jeans and vans now, right, guys?

Well, listen, everyone, if you're at this point in the podcast, you already know what a delight Allison Becker is.

So go see her on Netflix.

And then, what is the name of the show again?

Best, Worst Weekend Ever.

But now I have a very serious question.

What did we just have for dessert, you guys?

What would we have had had we gone back to your house, Allison, to have dessert?

What would be your dessert of choice?

Ooh, I mean, I love anything chocolate.

Chocolate enriched, so like a flourless chocolate cake or souffle.

P.S.

I would not have been making any of this.

We would have post-mated it.

Of course.

I made some chocolate chip cookies.

Judge John Hodgman fans will be thrilled to know because I needed to distribute some cookies for Teacher Appreciation Week to my children's respective teachers, and also because I wanted to eat a lot of cookies.

And I just want our audience to know that I made thick, chewy chocolate chip cookies.

From scratch?

The only good cookies.

Yes, of course, from scratch.

Well done.

Well, for Teacher Appreciation Week, we did not make cookies.

We gave teachers what they really want: booze and cash.

And while I do not have a sweet tooth, there is one dessert that I would have ordered, and that would be a tailor pork roll profiterole.

Okay, here's something from Nicole.

My husband believes bacon should be eaten with a fork.

He's Australian.

I'm from Oklahoma.

We live in Brooklyn.

So cosmopolitan are our listeners.

Can I just imagine?

Is it okay if I pretend in my head that any male litigant on Judge John Hodgman, who's from Australia, is Yahoo Sirius?

I'll allow it.

I'm okay with that.

Okay, because what else is he up to, you know?

My two stepsons and I believe it's perfectly acceptable to eat bacon with your hands.

I'm not sure if this is a cultural difference or just him rebelling against his penal colony past, but he insists on the use of utensils when eating bacon and pretty much everything.

My husband is accustomed to eating a thicker, softer bacon than is typically served in the United States, but I cook our U.S.

thin bacon to a crisp.

This debate frequently causes breakfast arguments, and the 11-year-old has requested we seek an injunction allowing fingers to be used when eating crispy bacon.

Well, I didn't listen to any of that because I was trying to figure out what Yahoo Sirius is doing these days.

So, Allison, I'll let you weigh in first.

Nicole, I think if you get a divorce, which you will because of this issue and this issue alone, you will win everything in the divorce.

If you bring up that your husband uses a fork to eat bacon, because that is absolutely preposterous.

I side with Nicole.

No bones about it.

Bacon is finger food.

If there were bones in your bacon, that would be super gross.

I get why, like, technically the bacon doesn't follow the rules of, like, they say things can be eaten with your hands, like, are on the bone, or there's a couple other rules.

But it doesn't follow those rules, but it is known to be a finger food.

My stepmother grew up in Belfast in Northern Ireland,

speaking of the Commonwealth, and

she grew up only getting meat once a week.

And one week, her sister, I believe it was her sister Catherine,

tried to take her rasher of bacon off of her plate.

reached over, grabbed my stepmother's rasher of bacon, you know, Irish bacon, a thicker, softer bacon.

Was she reaching with her hands or a fork?

With her hands.

Okay.

But my stepmother had her fork in her hand and stabbed her in the hand with a fork.

Oh, my God.

Truly miraculous occurrence.

I hope that that story started out with just like a light tapping, and as has been told over the years, it's like stabbed her in the eye.

I know my stepmother very well, and I, you know, I love her.

She's a wonderful stepmother, and I'm absolutely certain that she stabbed well into the hand with the fork.

That is not a story that's grown over the years that is reflective of the true person that my stepmother is.

Well, but Jesse, you raise a good point, which is that what we call bacon here in the United States is different from what is called bacon in other parts of the world, including Ireland and the other British Commonwealth nations and former UK domains such as Canada, because lots of times that Irish, what we call Irish bacon, or back bacon, as they call it in Canada, it comes from a different, it's a different cut of meat.

It comes from a different part of the pig.

It is, it's more, it's more hammy.

It's literally from the back of the pig than the shoulder, if I'm not mistaken, the back of the pig, the fatty part of the back of the pig, whereas what we call bacon is pork belly, which is literally pork belly that has been smoked and then cut thin and then fried and then eaten with your fingers.

Of course, you eat it with your fingers.

Why am I even talking?

Of course, you eat the, I mean, you know, I'm not going to begrudge anyone using any utensil they want to eat bacon.

As long as they're eating bacon, it's fine with me.

And if you prefer not to get your fingers all greasy and cut up your bacon, your crispy bacon with your fork and knife, I'm not going to be all like Adam and look at you across the restaurant and then like, I'm going to write into a podcast about that guy.

Fine, do whatever you want.

But it is absolutely acceptable.

to eat American-style bacon with your fingers in America, even if in your native Australia, what you call bacon is more of like a thin, floppy pork chop that would be kind of weird to eat with your fingers.

This is America.

You can eat spaghetti with your fingers, yeah.

Absolutely.

And then

we are monsters.

Hey, right.

You order a spaghetti at the restaurant, and then you get a cold one to take home to shove into your mouth with the palm of your hand as soon as you get in the door.

If you're going to live in our trash nation, you're going to eat like the rest of us.

If you ask me, this husband is a Yahoo, and I'm dead serious.

By the way, the mystery of what happened to Yahoo Sirius remains.

The Wikipedia page peters out in August 2000 when he unsuccessfully attempted to sue the search engine Yahoo for trademark infringement.

Amazing.

I hope he's okay.

His website, yahoosirius.com, is active, but does look like it was designed in 1999.

I don't know what's going on with him.

Yahoo, if you're out there, let us know.

Meanwhile, for anyone who still exists in ambivalence about this, eat bacon with your fingers.

The only reason to use a fork with regard to American bacon is to stab the hand of the person who tries to take it from you.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our show is produced by Jennifer Marmer, our guest this week, the delightful Miss Allison Becker.

Allison, where can people find you on the internet?

I'm on Twitter and Instagram, both at theAllison Becker.

She's also the star of our new show, Bubble, which you should go and check out.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your JudgeJohn Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ Ho, and check out the Max Fund subreddit to discuss this episode at maximumfund.redddit.com.

You can submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho or by email at hodgman at maximumfund.org.

Oh, and Jesse, John Bon Jovi can be found at bonjovi.com, B-O-N-J-O-V-I dot com.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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