Moral High Ground vs. Moral Pit

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

Me, my bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, we're in the judges' chambers clearing the docket, and here I am, alongside the king of the robes, Judge John Hodgman.

Jesse, it's nice to see you.

I hope you had a good Groundhog Day, or are looking forward to the same, depending on when this comes out.

In the course of my day, that I repeat over and over and over every year.

Yeah, I'm having, or will have or did have my annual Groundhog Day brunch, which is a five-day brunch where everyone has to reenact the same conversations and wear the same clothes.

It's kind of torture.

Judge Hodgman, what is worse, in your opinion?

People telling you that actually

Groundhog Day is a really deep movie about philosophy?

Or

people telling you that actually Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

That people are telling me that Die Hard is a Christmas movie because it's obvious on its face and needs no further explanation.

And also, I think Groundhog Day is a great movie.

It's a great Chris Elliott movie.

That's how I think of it because I'm cool.

Yeah, Chris Elliott's so great.

I love and admire Chris Elliott.

Remember when he was on the David Letterman show as Marlon Brando and then he did something called The Banana Dance?

The Banana Dance.

I do remember.

And what's weird is that I had missed

a lot of that Chris Elliott stuff the first time around.

And that somehow it was on some retrospective that I saw the Banana Dance.

I was like, this is the greatest piece of comedy I've ever seen.

Bananas.

I didn't see any of it at the time.

I was five years old or whatever when that was happening.

And I thought, there's no way this could possibly hold up.

My only reference points for Chris Elliott were Cabin Boy, which I saw at the drive-in in Daly City, and Get a Life, which I guess came on after in Living Color or something.

And I liked both of those things as a kid, but I didn't have any reference for his Letterman work.

And then years and years and years ago, I was on this comedy message board called A Special Thing.

Sure.

And a very kind person on the message board said, I've got a bootleg VHS.

I'll make you a copy and send it to you.

Best of Chris Elliott on David Letterman.

And these talk show bits, 15 years later, held up as solid as a rock.

I have no idea who Morton Downey Jr.

is to this day.

But Chris Elliott's parody of him was so brilliantly hilarious.

And that banana dance.

I once talked to Jason Zinneman, the New York Times comedy writer and author of an excellent biography of David Letterman, about the banana dance for a solid 10 minutes that was completely unusable on air for my NPR show, Bullseye.

But you enjoyed it.

Yeah, Yeah, I did.

Got a lot out of it.

Well, everyone should go look up the banana dance.

And next time I'm in Maine, if I can get Jonathan, the fresh banana man, to come down to one of my shows,

I'll ask him to do an impression of it.

Yeah, I think that would be a lot of fun.

Well, let's get the docket clear.

Here's something from Laurel about her boyfriend's decoration choices.

She says, My boyfriend and I are both in our 20s, and I frequently stay at his apartment.

He's a mechanic and recently hung up a tool manufacturer's girly poster in his bedroom.

There's no nudity, but it is a pin-up.

I think it's tacky.

I've asked him as a favor to me to take the poster down.

He says he can do what he wants in his own place.

Of course, he can, but it's a very minor gesture to someone he says he loves.

I love the suspicion in her voice.

Well played.

He's currently in a graduate MFA program and has his paintings hung in the rest of the apartment.

It's not like he's hurting for wall decor.

That's not what's going on here at all.

It's not like, I got to cover up that space and all I got is this girly poster from down in the garage.

I went into a house in Maine over the summer because, you know, we're always on the lookout for a yard sale or a tag sale or whatever kind of sale they're calling it.

And this was a very old house in a remote part of the peninsula where we travel.

And the whole house was being emptied out.

I don't know who died in this house, but their son, who himself was in his 60s, was just sitting in the kitchen selling everything out of it.

I got one blue gingham tie that I gave to John Roderick

because I thought he would enjoy an old man's tie coming out of a haunted house.

But

the house had clearly not been entered by strangers for decades.

And I remember walking through this house and thinking about the many dark winters that were endured there.

This mom and her adult son.

And I knew that he lived there too, because I went upstairs to the second floor.

There are like nine different kinds of wallpaper were on every wall because they just got peeled away and peeled away.

And I went into this now-empty bedroom, and on the wall, next to where there had once been a bureau, but it wasn't there anymore, but you could still see the faded outline of it in the nine different kinds of wallpaper.

There was a car garage tool parts girly calendar

still hanging there from the year 2015.

And I realized someone had lived in this room as recently as a year ago at this time.

And that was the most terrifying thing to me of all, second only to the fact that they're still making these Grosso girly calendars for guys who work in garages.

Well, I guess they need distraction as much as anybody, but I guess what I'm saying to Laurel's boyfriend is don't be that guy.

And by that guy, I mean don't be the guy who's getting an MFA in fine art painting while also bragging about his working-class hero cred by putting up a gross pin-up in his bedroom against his girlfriend's wishes.

It's tasteless, it's tacky, and it's a little aggro.

We get a dude.

You're a mechanic, you fix cars.

That's amazing.

It's amazing that you do that.

But you don't need to prove it all the time by making your girlfriend mad.

Keep the pin-ups where they belong in the shop.

There is a television producer of our mutual acquaintance who told me a story once.

She was pitching a show to a network which shall remain nameless, but let's just say it nominally concerns itself with matters historical.

And she said she finished her pitch, and the executive at the table told her directly, our core demographic is men who don't want to talk to their wives.

And while on the one hand, I can understand the natural inclination

to

create for men in heterosexual relationships and in families to create a space of their own which in some cases is actively hostile to the other members of their family, particularly the women in their family.

I understand that impulse to some extent.

I think it may have some naturalness to it.

It's not necessarily necessary, but I see why man caves exist in the world, right?

Sure.

I can understand why people have a tool bench in the garage where they go when they're fuming and they don't want to communicate their feelings or whatever.

Well, also, because in, you know,

in many heteronormative relationships,

dudes sort of cede the decorating power to their female partners,

usually because they have not developed taste of their own.

Yeah.

And

the proof of that is that when those dudes do get enough space and money to curate a man cave for themselves, they look dumb.

Yeah, well, I mean, I think that these spaces, you know, these are the spaces where you put up that calendar.

And I don't even think it's about titillation

because

those calendars aren't, frankly, all that titillating as much as it is about

trying to create an alienating space to women.

Marking a territory.

And as I said, like, I'm not even 100% opposed to that.

I understand circumstances where you might want to have your own space, and I would apply that to people of all genders.

Well, and to be fair, this apartment is Laurel's BF's apartment.

It is not her place.

They're not officially sharing it.

So, she's not wrong when she says that he can do whatever he wants.

However, I would hasten to add to that that if that space is your bedroom, as might be the case for a 14-year-old boy,

then don't plan on having any adult romance in there.

You cannot both try and establish this as a, this is for guys only space and try to have women in there to kiss you.

Yeah, Jesse's absolutely right.

And by the way, we're both total beta males, too.

We don't need to be aggro like that in our lives.

But I'm also confused by this cultural work that's going on where this guy who's getting an MFA in painting, who's also a mechanic, has to display his mechanics cred in his bedroom, even to the point of alienating his girlfriend.

I feel like that's too much work that you're doing, dude.

Be confident in who you are.

Take that thing down, put it where it belongs, as I say.

But what's he supposed to do when his bros come over to hang out in his bedroom?

Yeah, if he wants to have a bedroom bro hang, he can bring that thing back out again, I guess.

Maybe he could put it like behind a Murphy bed.

Yeah.

But I think if Laurel's boyfriend looks deep into his heart,

he will agree,

and Laurel will come to terms with the fact that this poster is basically telling her to get away, get out of this house, get away from this dude.

And if that's the message he really wants to send, go for it.

But if he wants, he does want to send that message, put it away.

Here's something from Lance: I seek an injunction against my wife.

She's formally requested I not bring Diet Cola into the house because of its health risks.

But all of the online documentation of those risks is largely speculative.

I've cited multiple authoritative, well-referenced articles that support my position.

She claims they're paid for by the cola companies and can't be trusted.

Furthermore, my wife does regularly eat sweets and, worst of all, smokes one to three cigarettes every day.

What?

I wish to freely drink Diet Cola without rebuke, and that my wife find more responsibly sourced materials such as medical journals about health and nutrition.

All right, let's be clear.

Even Diet Moxie, the champagne of Diet Colas, is full of chemtrails, probably, that is probably terrible for you.

It's going to control your brain.

And I am personally going through a heavy detox on Diet

Cokes and other sodas

because there are definitely times when I'm drinking too much of that stuff and I go into a DC fog.

I don't know what's causing it.

Perhaps it's placebo effect.

Who knows?

But it doesn't feel to me on an intuitive level that the the chemicals that are in the sodas can be great for you.

Wait, is it DC Fog?

Is that that movie that starred Mr.

T?

That's right.

That was the sequel to DC Cab starring Mr.

T.

So, anyway, yeah, I think that it is probably, your wife is probably correct that this stuff is junk.

Absolutely.

But you are also correct that we don't have

a proven method that has been scientifically demonstrated by which this junk is poisoning you.

Guess what we do know scientifically, for sure?

Cigarettes are going to kill you, wife of Lance.

And the moment you smoke them,

whatever you get out of it, that's for you.

I hope you're smoking that kind with the Native Americans on the front, because those are the ones that are actually good for you, right?

Ugh.

I only smoke cloves and only at New Order concerts.

Sure, that's fine.

That's just fitting in.

That's doing as the Romans do.

You can fool yourselves in a lot of ways to convince yourself to smoke cigarettes.

I know I did it for a while, but you know what the science is as much as I do.

And when you smoke one to three cigarettes a day, guess what?

You sacrifice your right to sanctimony about this stuff.

You cannot take the moral high ground when it comes to self-selected health vices if you're smoking cigarettes, because you are already in the moral pit.

So I suggest you stop smoking even those one to three cigarettes a day, Life of Lance.

And then and only then can you bar diet sodas from your home.

Now I want a diet moxie.

Let's take a quick break so that the judge can have his diet medicinal drink or whatever that is.

Nerve food.

Moxie nerve food.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

We've got something here from Dylan.

He says, Oh, Jesse, before we go on, I just want to say, I hope you had a good Groundhog Day or are looking forward to the same, depending on when this is released.

I'm having my annual Groundhog Day brunch.

It's a five-day brunch where everyone has to reenact the same conversations and wear the same clothing over five days.

It's a kind of torture.

But Brett always brings pimento cheese, so that's nice.

Bing!

Go ahead.

Dylan says, My girlfriend Heather and I both love to drink tea.

Heather has a close friend who's given her many gifts of fruit-infused teas over the years.

We don't enjoy this type of tea, but out of politeness, Heather graciously accepts the gifts.

This has only encouraged more fruity tea giving.

I would like the judge to order Heather to disclose her dislike of fruity teas to her friend so that the tower of deceit grows no further.

If the judge were to rule in Heather's favor, she requests the judge order me to shut my trap and go buy some of the good stuff we both enjoy.

Now, if I were going to make a dad joke and do some wordplay around a legal term pertaining to this case, I would say that this is the poison of the fruity tea, as opposed to the fruit of the poison tree.

Get it?

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's my response.

Wow.

That's where I'm going.

That's where I'm gone.

All I've got is wow.

Cow.

You cut.

All right, moving on.

I had a situation when I was, speaking of diet sodas,

when I was a young teenager,

at some point, I said in front of my mom's father and mother,

my pop and my nan,

I like fresca.

Fresca, of course, is the grapefruit-flavored, arguably soda that only comes in a diet formula.

It is not, There is no full sugar fresca.

It's only aspartamey all the way.

Yeah, if you want the sugar, you're going to have to go squirt.

Yeah, that's right.

So, and by the way, that's a different brand of soda, not something you need to do.

Yeah.

Squirt's pretty good, too.

Yeah, squirt is a nice soda.

My friend Peter Fraunfelder always had squirt at his house.

I was very jealous.

Yeah, you don't see it very often on the East Coast.

In fact, I think my son and I depleted the Brooklyn Navy Yard sub shop of its three-year supply.

They're not getting any more.

I think we ran through their cash.

Anyway, I mentioned this in front of my grandfather and grandmother on my mom's side.

And then my friend Damon Graff and I,

the summer after our freshman year of high school, decided to go visit them on the Jersey Shore in Ocean City.

And we took the Amtrak train to Philadelphia.

And then we took a bus from Philadelphia to Ocean City.

And we were 13 or 14 years old.

And Amtrak and buses in Philadelphia were not pretty fancy at that time.

It was crazy when I think about what our parents let us do.

But we did it.

We got there safely.

And my grandfather was beaming when he welcomed me because he remembered that I liked Fresca,

which I had forgotten I had even said.

And he opened the refrigerator.

Jesse, I'm not sure which Dr.

Dre and Snoop Dogg video it is about Fresca.

When they're in the house party and they open a refrigerator and it is full of 40-ounce beers.

I think I'm going to say the gin and juice video.

That's what I'm making up in my head.

We'll probably get letters, but you know what I'm talking about.

Now, imagine instead of that being a cool early 90s rap house party,

it's your grandfather and grandmother's second-floor summer rental in a row house in Ocean City, New Jersey.

And imagine that instead of being full of bottles and bottles and bottles of malt liquor, it's just bottles and bottles and bottles and more two-liter bottles of fresca taking up almost the entire refrigerator.

That's what I remember.

More fresca than I could ever drink in my life.

And what did I say to him?

I said, Pop-up,

I do not want your fruity tea.

Shame on you.

And make him cry.

No, I didn't do that.

I said, thank you for the fresca, pop-up.

Dylan, Heather's being nice.

There's no point

in telling this friend you don't want this fruit tea.

It's going to hurt her feelings.

Mari Kondo would tell you, accept the gift and the spirit in which it is given, and then

give that gift away or leave it on the free pile in your apartment building if you have such a thing, or give it to someone else.

There's no point.

You gain nothing from telling this person that you don't like the gift that she's been giving you all these years.

And besides, she's probably listening to this and she's probably figured it out.

So sorry, Dylan and Nether's friend.

Keep that fruity tea to yourself.

Get them good tea that they like.

Here's something from Michael.

Whenever we wash the bed sheets in our house, my wife insists we put the sheets back on together.

I argue it's a one-person job.

She says it goes much quicker if I help her.

Well, Doll, there you go.

I've offered to do it myself.

She says I don't do it correctly.

I think having two people change the sheets is a waste of our valuable time.

I seek an order that the putting on of bed sheets is strictly a one-person job, and she should either trust me enough to do the job or leave me in peace.

Here's what I say, Michael.

Why don't you go move in with Laurel's boyfriend and look at a girly poster all night long?

Maybe you don't deserve to cohabitate with your wife.

Help her make the bed, dude.

Don't be a creep.

Don't think you've got a better system.

And here's another thing, dudes.

Take a note.

If you are cohabitating with someone you love

and they say, will you help me make this bed?

Help them make the bed.

If you say, I'll do it myself, and they say, hmm, you don't do it right.

Don't be like,

I have a whole system that I've thought up in my mind about the best way to do this.

Therefore, I do it right because I thought of it.

No, take a note.

Listen to what the other person has to say.

Say, well, how do you think I'm not doing it right?

And then

maybe that person's crazy.

You can come to my court and tell me their crazy theories about making the bed.

Maybe I'll side with you then.

But I bet you they're not crazy.

I bet they know more than you do about making a bid.

And maybe it's time to learn something.

And maybe it's time to pitch in.

100% completely wrong, Michael.

Sorry.

I've been going a little bit easier on the dudes lately because I feel like they're getting a hard time.

This time I'm not going easy.

Michael, you're wrong, dude.

Get better.

Let's take a quick break when we come back.

More docket clearing and a follow-up letter about ATMs, otherwise known as automated teller machines.

Machine.

ATMs, automated teller machine machines.

ATM machines.

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It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing out the docket.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne with.

Jesse, I hope you had a good Groundhog Day or looking forward to the same, depending on when this is released.

I'm having my annual Groundhog Day brunch.

It's kind of torture.

But this time, I saved a guy from choking, and I learned not to be selfish.

And I learned that I have to help my wife make the bed so I'm a better human, and it was worth it.

God, I wish Chris Elliott was here right now.

Make this whole thing so much more fun.

I'd take Steven Tobolowski, too.

Yeah, well, I'll take Stephen any day of the week.

Boy, that guy's a great storyteller.

And you know what?

I bet he knows?

Making a bed with two people is faster than making a bed with one person.

Yeah.

I've gone out of breath making a bed by myself.

I'm just putting the sheets on.

So have I.

Come on.

All that leaning around.

There's so much leaning over.

Ugh.

Yeah, you can just pull it taut.

With a partner.

Yeah, you'd have fun.

Make eye contact.

You're right there near a bed.

Maybe something will happen.

Yeah, you could take a nap.

You guys could take a little platonic nap together.

Oh, that would be gorgeous.

Okay, here's something from Mike.

My mother-in-law demands anybody using the shower in her ensuite bathroom must squeegee all surfaces and towel off remaining moisture in an effort to keep it clean.

The only other shower in the house has been non-functional for many months.

I think it's not only inappropriate to make people use the private bathroom in her bedroom, it's rude to demand they clean and dry the shower after every use.

If it's not cleaned appropriately, she'll make it known to everybody in the house, usually in a passive-aggressive way from a separate room.

Please issue an injunction that the guest shower be repaired so it may be used by guests, or that guests may not be forced to clean the host's facilities.

Remember, this guy's named Mike?

Yeah.

The guy who didn't want to help make the bed, he was also named Mike.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Huh.

Think it's the same creep?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mike,

I'm confused.

There are two scenarios.

One is you're visiting your mother-in-law of an afternoon and you say, hey.

I feel like taking a shower right now.

You go up and she says, you have to use my shower, but please clean it up.

And you go up in that shower and you're like, oh,

stop bossing me around, mom-in-law.

I'm going to call a podcast.

And then you come back down and you leave and you go back home.

That seems unlikely.

Why are you taking so many showers at your mom-in-law's house?

Unless you're staying there.

Either you're living with her or you're visiting overnight.

In which case you're a guest in her home.

And they have one shower because that other one is broken.

And she wants to keep it clean.

It's already gross enough that you're taking a shower in your mother-in-law's house.

It's worse that you're taking a shower in her shower.

What's even worse, though, is complaining about it.

You know what you do if you're a good person?

Hire a plumber or whatever it takes to get that other one fixed as a gift to the woman who is the mother of the person you love.

Stop being a complainer.

Jesse Thorne,

remember that pop-up and Nanan that I was talking about?

They lived in a row home in Philadelphia.

I do.

Yeah, they had the summer rental, second floor of this house in Ocean City.

But then they normally lived in this row home in Philadelphia.

It was probably dated back, in fact, all the bathroom fixtures probably dated back to the 20s or 30s.

It was beautiful tile and beautiful tiled showers and bathtubs and everything.

There was a guest bathroom there that I would take baths in when I was a little kid.

And then one time

that was broken and I had to use the shower in their master bedroom, my pop-up and Nannan's master bedroom.

And I think I had only ever been in that room once and I did not like showering in that sanctum that was their private world.

I did not feel clean at all.

And that's all I could think about when thinking about Mike being in his mother-in-law's shower.

But I this time sympathized with the mother-in-law, Mike rubbing his body all over that shower.

I was like, I'm too busy to squeegee you down.

Get better, Mike.

Come on.

Terrifying.

There are some showers that you shouldn't be in,

and you should make the effort to not be in them.

But if you're in them and someone asks you to clean up after yourself, do it.

Do you disagree with my assessment there, Jesse Thorne?

No, I'm mostly remembering fondly a trip I took last year to Copenhagen, Denmark, which is

if you've heard it's a wonderful city, one of the best in the world, you've heard correctly.

I'd love to go sometime.

It is such an awesome place.

I had such a fantastic time.

And I stayed in,

I rented a room in a couple's house.

They had one bathroom, and it was the equivalent of those bathrooms that are in certain old-timey New York apartments where the shower is next to the stove.

It is normal in Denmark, especially in older apartments, for the entire bathroom to be tiled in the manner of a locker room or something.

And the shower is not distinct from the rest of the bathroom, including the toilet and so forth.

And so you just close the door and turn on the shower, and then you squeegee things down afterwards.

And I have to be frank, I enjoy.

I enjoy just a drain in the floor.

Yeah, just a drain in the floor and a shower on the ceiling.

And

I had a grand old time taking a shower in there.

You could go anywhere.

You could do a funny walk across the room.

Yeah, but be careful and don't slip and fall.

That's a good point.

Although, I hear they've got pretty good liability insurance on those rental room situations.

I don't recommend getting injured in Copenhagen, but they have socialized medicine there.

That's right.

That's what you pay your taxes for.

So you can dance around Newton in your shower-slicked bathroom, fall down and hit your head, and then recuperate over a 900-week vacation.

Here's something from Katie.

She writes in about the Swift Justice dispute at the end of Marco Justice, which you may remember was about

ATM machines or automated teller machine machines.

Machines.

Right.

Oh, so this is the one where

someone was asking, do you count your money after you get the money out of the ATM?

And I was like, duh, always.

And you were like, duh, never.

No.

I work in the data processing department at a small bank.

Every step of a transaction, whether it's made at the teller window, mailed in, automated, or processed by the ATM, is double and triple checked by multiple people, departments, and machines to ensure that at the end of the day, every single penny is accounted for.

With that said, ATMs malfunction.

We balance hours every day, and occasionally it will be out of balance, which means someone got the wrong amount of money, and if they didn't report it to us, then we can't correct the mistake.

While the bank tries to be as thorough and accurate as possible, every process has room for error, so please count your money at the ATM.

I will also say we received numerous tweets to this effect, including one person who had once gotten the wrong amount of money at an ATM.

He got too much money.

And so ever since the time he got too much money, he has double-checked the amount of money he got from an ATM every single single time.

Did he report it?

Did he go and give the money back?

I don't know.

I'm just trying to picture how sad his life is.

I was just thinking, what a good boy.

What a good, good boy.

And I didn't realize until just now, but now that I think about it, the reason that I've been counting my money at the ATM all these years is that I'm hoping there's going to be a discrepancy so I get to make a report.

That would be so much fun.

Maybe I could fill out a form.

We know, John, that you just want to be right.

I want everyone to be right.

I want to work hard so that everyone is right all the time.

If only ATMs had grammar we could correct.

Whoa.

Now, me and you, we have some difference in opinion on some things.

But me, I'm just working hard to make sure everybody right.

And that means sometimes I got to point out Mike is wrong, whether he's Mike or Michael.

You're wrong.

By the way, I'm not backing down from my previous position, which is that you needn't count your money at the ATM.

I will give credit to anyone who goes through their entire receipt when they buy groceries at the grocery store to double check all of those prices.

There actually is evidence that there is a systemic bias toward overpricing in pricing errors

in grocery store UPC checkout systems

that could actually

on balance cost you money.

I do not believe that my bank is making errors that are net in their favor because the number of weird systemic things that, like at the grocery store, what has to happen is people don't bother putting in the discounts when they display a discount once in a while.

They don't bother typing them into the system or something.

That makes sense to me.

Someone building a machine that favors the bank over the consumer in counting $20 bills or whatever, there's no evidence that that exists.

So I think while there is some chance that I may be shorted $20 one day or get an extra $20 another day, it will all come out in the wash and it will save me the trouble of standing there counting $20 bills while someone stares daggers at the back of my head because they also want to get money out of the ATM.

All right.

America, did you hear that?

And all around the world?

Listen to this fancy boy.

He started out his sentence by saying needn't.

So

who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only me can decide.

Me.

No, you're right.

It's not that I'm paranoid that the bank is trying to cheat me or whatever.

It's just the machine.

The machine makes mistakes.

Plus, I like counting my money.

It makes me feel like I'm in a video.

I think also it may be that I have a very, very strong instinct at the ATM to hide my money as quickly as possible.

That may have come from my early years of ATM usage coming in a

a neighborhood that maybe not quite, I wouldn't necessarily characterize as dangerous overall, but certainly dangerous for people holding money in their hands.

Yeah, yeah, I feel that.

You want to dispense and dash.

You want to get out of there.

All right.

Because you're a mark.

When you're standing at the ATM, you're a mark.

Hey, here's what I have to say.

Somebody could be on the roll-up.

It's your money.

It's your money.

You decide.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our show is produced by the one and and only Ms.

Jennifer Marmer.

Thanks, Jennifer.

Follow us on Twitter.

I am at Jesse Thorne, and John is at Hodgman.

We're also on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman,

where there is a lot of evidence being posted.

And by the way,

just because I gave you my Twitter handle at Jesse Thorne doesn't mean you should now take the opportunity to tweet at me a constant stream of tweets over the next two years of times you got more or less money at at the ATM.

I just want to make that clear.

I'd enjoy seeing it.

I encourage it.

That window was open before and it's closed now.

Hashtag your tweets, JJ H O,

so that we can follow them on Twitter.

I always enjoy hearing what people are talking about about the latest Judge John Hodgman.

I love to participate in that conversation.

You know, I live right over there on Twitter.

So, yeah, I'd like to see what you're talking about, too.

You can check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to chat about the episode at maximumfund.reddit.com.

And perhaps most importantly, if you have a dispute for Judge John Hodgman, it is easy and fun to submit it to us.

Go to maximumfund.org/slash JJHO.

Make Jennifer's life better.

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She basically lives on cases the way a vampire bat lives on cows.

Literally living on them and sucking their blood.

Yeah, maximumfund.org slash JJ H O.

Or if you hate web forms, just email Hodgman at maximumfund.org.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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