Live from the London Podcast Festival 2017

Speaker 1 Welcome to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
This week's episode was recorded live at the London Podcast Festival. It's a great show.
I can't wait for you to hear.

Speaker 1 But first, here's a quick message from Judge Hodgman.

Speaker 2 Hey, it's me, Judge John Hodgman. Every now and then, we have a contest.
I will call out for some information that I don't have at my fingertips, and you might provide it.

Speaker 2 And the first person who provides the information I'm looking for, I send some piece of ephemera from my office, which let me tell you is encrusted with interesting ephemera.

Speaker 3 I'm looking right now at a model of a gorilla holding a samurai sword.

Speaker 5 I'm not going to give you that.

Speaker 2 That's one of my prized possessions, but I got, maybe I'll give it to you.

Speaker 6 Maybe I'll give that to you.

Speaker 2 In any case, last time, I asked for evidence of a certain moment in the miniseries I Claudius from the 1970s, which established that the husbands and wives in iClaudius slept in separate rooms.

Speaker 4 Chris Hind

Speaker 10 was the first person to send me the evidence that I was looking for.

Speaker 3 It is a piece of dialogue between the murderous Livia and her servant Praxis. And we are going to post some of that dialogue on our Instagram page.

Speaker 17 Judge John Hodgman is our Instagram page.

Speaker 2 And I will send something to Chris from my office.

Speaker 2 Thank you to everyone else who sent in the correct answer and even the slightly correct answer, which is where Messalina negotiates separate rooms with Claudius.

Speaker 2 It's not what I was looking for exactly. It was this moment between Livia and Praxis that I was thinking of.

Speaker 2 And we'll have more contests in the future because I got a lot of stuff in my office that I got to get rid of, and I'd rather you have it. So thanks very much again, Chris, for playing along.

Speaker 1 Thank you to Chris for sending that I, Claudius dialogue.

Speaker 20 Now, let's go to the stage at King's Place in London.

Speaker 23 Tonight's case, crypto facto.

Speaker 25 Caroline brings the case against her husband, Connor.

Speaker 22 Connor has set up a cryptocurrency mining rig in their living room.

Speaker 30 Caroline says it requires too much electricity and she'd like him to get rid of it.

Speaker 28 Who's right, who's wrong, only one man can decide.

Speaker 30 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Speaker 32 This is an action for willful trademark infringement.

Speaker 6 Defendants have willfully and admittedly traded upon the goodwill and notoriety of Judge John Hodgman, one of the most famous entertainers and brand names in the world.

Speaker 37 In interviews with the press, defendants brazenly admit they adopted the marks, Judge John Hodge money, this is the sound of a cryptocurrency, and shut your coin hole.

Speaker 36 to directly associate their newly minted currency with Mr.

Speaker 10 Hodgman.

Speaker 19 Defendants have publicly stated that A, they, quote, chose to represent Judge John Hodgman because he is and has always been a trendsetter, and B, that they would, quote, love it if Judge John Hodgman name-checked Hodgecoin.

Speaker 42 We don't want to pay him off to name-check us, but it would be sick if he did so.

Speaker 43 End quote.

Speaker 45 Caroline and Connor, please rise and raise your right hands.

Speaker 25 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

Speaker 46 I do. I do.

Speaker 21 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he uses cryptocurrency to buy his weekly groceries on the dark web?

Speaker 48 I do. I do.

Speaker 21 Very well. Judge Hodgman?

Speaker 13 Maybe I can get those Mr.

Speaker 21 Trotter's Great British Pork Crackers

Speaker 50 on the Dark Web.

Speaker 41 I hadn't thought about that.

Speaker 51 Caroline? Popping poppy seeds?

Speaker 49 No.

Speaker 36 Caroline and Connery may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours.

Speaker 19 Favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom.

Speaker 8 Caroline, why don't you go go first?

Speaker 54 I don't really know, but is it

Speaker 54 maybe something related to Dogecoin?

Speaker 16 Something related to Dogecoin.

Speaker 42 I don't know what that is.

Speaker 15 Which makes it a good guess.

Speaker 43 Put it in the guess book, Bayless Jesse.

Speaker 15 Now, Connor, it's your turn to guess. I bet you know.

Speaker 56 I wish I did, but it sounds like something.

Speaker 57 I'm so glad you don't.

Speaker 56 Sounds like some sort of Bitcoin hearing, maybe like a Silk Road thing or something or other.

Speaker 36 Some kind of Silk Road thing.

Speaker 51 All guesses are wrong.

Speaker 23 That was a good guess though.

Speaker 51 It was

Speaker 51 some kind of Bitcoin thing.

Speaker 34 Some sort of reference to Bitcoin.

Speaker 58 You're like, I don't know. It seemed like it had to do with what this case is about, kind of.

Speaker 24 I don't know. It's true.

Speaker 3 And Connor, as someone who not only is interested in cryptocurrency, but currently mining for it all day and night long on a computer rig at your house.

Speaker 56 It's very passive.

Speaker 16 I would think it's very passive, I know.

Speaker 5 And I encourage you to be aggressive, though, today.

Speaker 48 Okay.

Speaker 14 I would think that you might have guessed this one.

Speaker 12 Of course, I was quoting from the 2014 trademark infringement lawsuit brought against a certain

Speaker 17 alternative cryptocurrency by the entertainer Kanye West,

Speaker 10 who was angry because some kids created a new cryptocurrency called Coin Ye West.

Speaker 63 Oh, nice.

Speaker 54 Nice.

Speaker 10 Kanye, shut them down.

Speaker 16 So now we're going to hear this case.

Speaker 8 Caroline, you bring this case against Connor. The problem is he's got a computer that's mining for what kind of, what is the, what's the cryptocurrency you're mining for, Connor?

Speaker 56 It's Ethereum.

Speaker 46 Ethereum?

Speaker 57 Ethereum, yeah.

Speaker 52 Well, that sounds very elven indeed.

Speaker 56 You can call it Ether or ETH.

Speaker 50 You call it Ether or ETH?

Speaker 66 Yeah, it's just short and form.

Speaker 42 Sure, why don't you just name it something short to begin with?

Speaker 67 You're making it up.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 56 ETH is the coin name.

Speaker 24 ETH. All right.

Speaker 69 So, all right, Caroline, Connor is mining for ETH

Speaker 64 all night long

Speaker 57 in your living room while you're trying to sleep.

Speaker 42 It's disgusting.

Speaker 15 You want him to stop.

Speaker 70 Do I understand all of that correctly?

Speaker 46 More or less.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 46 You may elaborate now.

Speaker 54 Yeah, we just, we have this mining rig hooked up in our living room. It takes up quite a bit of space.
It's very hot as well.

Speaker 54 If you go and you put your hand next to it, you can feel heat radiating off of it.

Speaker 18 Yeah, because it's a computer.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 54 But it's hotter than just a regular computer.

Speaker 8 For people who don't know or people like me who barely understand what you're talking about,

Speaker 3 Connor, ETH is a cryptocurrency like Bitcoin.

Speaker 35 There is a system of artificial scarcity, whereas to generate the currency, you have to quote unquote mine for it, which does not mean that you're actually digging into the floor of your living room, but you have a computer doing some kind of, well, why don't you describe it, some kind of process, right?

Speaker 37 Tell me what it is.

Speaker 56 Yeah, I mean, you're essentially computing arbitrary numbers in order to find one that matches a pattern to prove that you have enough computing power

Speaker 56 to essentially

Speaker 56 deserve ETH.

Speaker 74 No, well, it's

Speaker 56 you're kind of collaborating with a bigger pool of miners that are trying to determine

Speaker 30 this number.

Speaker 65 Sing a Billy Bragg song now.

Speaker 33 Does Billy Bragg have a lot of songs about Bitcoin?

Speaker 56 But this mining is actually what proves out all the transactions before it.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 8 But what you're doing essentially is attempting to generate wealth unto yourself.

Speaker 56 Yes, but also to drive the technology. as well.
Because you have to have miners for it to even work.

Speaker 8 What is your primary motivation?

Speaker 17 To get fake money or to pretend that fake money is feasible somehow?

Speaker 46 So it's both, I guess. Okay.
For now, until it becomes real money.

Speaker 37 Okay. And how long have you been into ETH?

Speaker 56 You know, over a year now, but we've only started.

Speaker 57 Do you call yourself an ETH head?

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 56 I wasn't really into Bitcoin, so I haven't really been into cryptocurrency that.

Speaker 67 Do you feel that you missed your chance on Bitcoin and now ETH is the new drug that's going to make you a fortune?

Speaker 56 I feel like everybody feels like they missed out on Bitcoin, but.

Speaker 57 I don't.

Speaker 47 Oh.

Speaker 44 I probably did.

Speaker 33 Many of you don't feel that way.

Speaker 22 Frankly, I'm still super into poppies.

Speaker 44 Oh, okay.

Speaker 43 You know what? I'm investing

Speaker 11 tulips. Thank you.

Speaker 8 Nice handoff there. Thank you very much, Jesse.

Speaker 10 When did you install the rig?

Speaker 66 I think it was late June.

Speaker 17 And this, you did not install it here in the United Kingdom.

Speaker 5 You are not from this land.

Speaker 11 That's correct. Where are you from?

Speaker 53 We're from Oakland, California.

Speaker 6 Oakland, California.

Speaker 67 And you are visiting here on vacation.

Speaker 54 Yes. Yes.
Well, we're visiting my parents who live here. Oh, how nice.
And they're here now, too.

Speaker 6 Would you like me to acknowledge them?

Speaker 54 Well, I think I just acknowledge them.

Speaker 10 Don't have time for sentiment in the court.

Speaker 60 Where are you, mom and dad?

Speaker 11 Oh, too bad they left.

Speaker 19 They're like, this is weird. Our son-in-law is strange.

Speaker 44 We're embarrassed.

Speaker 56 They know that already.

Speaker 41 I'm sure they do.

Speaker 16 Now, is your rig going right now? Is it chugging away?

Speaker 41 Hi-ho, hi-ho. It's off to work we go down there in the mines?

Speaker 46 I hope so.

Speaker 56 I haven't checked in the last hour or so.

Speaker 55 Don't you have some kind of webcam looking at it?

Speaker 56 Well, no, there's like a web dashboard that you can

Speaker 44 see.

Speaker 66 Why don't you check on that for a minute while we take a look at your thing?

Speaker 41 You have to sent me some evidence.

Speaker 15 Let's see the first slide and get a sense of what we're dealing with here.

Speaker 35 I don't have service. You don't have.

Speaker 6 What's that?

Speaker 67 I don't have any service. You didn't use my phone.
Okay.

Speaker 5 I don't want to do that.

Speaker 41 All right, so this is your home in Oakland, California.

Speaker 6 Boy, oh boy, you've got a lot of square footage there in Oakland.

Speaker 16 How about that, London?

Speaker 59 Quick question.

Speaker 55 If you were to open the blinds, what would you see out there?

Speaker 39 Would it be a dark gray air shaft two inches, another wall two inches away from your window?

Speaker 52 Or is that just Airbnbs in London?

Speaker 11 It's more like

Speaker 38 four, maybe six feet to the next wall.

Speaker 46 Oh, okay.

Speaker 41 Fair enough.

Speaker 47 That's why they call Oakland the London Middle Bay Area.

Speaker 10 So I'm looking at you, first of all, you've got a big screen.

Speaker 17 That's not part of the rig.

Speaker 52 I'm presuming that the rig is this matrix-themed

Speaker 5 borg underneath the screen in the bottom center of the right.

Speaker 29 To be fair, his giant screen just has a bunch of text across it, like it was in the movie The Net.

Speaker 44 Enhanced, enhanced.

Speaker 56 Well if you were to enhance the right side you would see my public address there which you could you could send me money if you wanted to but

Speaker 46 no thank you. That's actually the

Speaker 56 that's the dashboard. That's the minor dashboard there on the right.

Speaker 26 I immediately thought you meant a public address system like on the top of the Blues Brothers car

Speaker 12 so let the record show that there is a green glowing thing on the floor with wires coming out of it that I imagine makes a constant pulsing sound that is terrifying.

Speaker 46 It's sort of a

Speaker 63 move in thread.

Speaker 56 It's actually quieter than my computer next to it that you can barely see there.

Speaker 40 I don't care.

Speaker 19 Let's move on to the next slide. Okay, here we are.
Another picture of it. Now we see up close, it truly looks like something out of Fritz Lang's Metropolis.

Speaker 39 And you also have a tourist poster for Coastal California.

Speaker 16 Are you guys getting money from the California Coastal Board?

Speaker 46 I wish.

Speaker 10 Does that normally sit there?

Speaker 54 It does.

Speaker 41 Why does it not hang on a wall?

Speaker 54 Because it is Connor's barricade or form of protection from preventing our small dog from going to hide under or behind it.

Speaker 59 Oh, so you have a small dog? We do.

Speaker 16 What is your dog's name?

Speaker 19 Locutis of Borg?

Speaker 51 I have no

Speaker 11 clue what's going on.

Speaker 28 He just said weird sounds and everyone laughed.

Speaker 37 Welcome to Nerd Comedy.

Speaker 15 What is your dog's name?

Speaker 41 Your actual dog's name?

Speaker 3 Cosmo. Cosmo.

Speaker 17 And what kind of dog is Cosmo?

Speaker 54 We think he's a dachshund terrier, some sort of mutt. Adorable.

Speaker 48 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 17 And your concern right now is that while you're here in England, Cosmo could have nudged that picture of coastal California out of the way, gotten underneath there, and been assimilated or electrocuted.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 54 He's thankfully not staying alone home right now. He's staying elsewhere, But he has gone under it and behind it before.

Speaker 15 And what is your concern?

Speaker 54 Well, it's just, it's all this electric stuff. It's hot.
It just, it doesn't seem like a good idea for a live being to be hiding underneath it.

Speaker 21 Would you rather he be buying his magic mushrooms on the street?

Speaker 56 He lets me do that for him.

Speaker 19 Next slide, please.

Speaker 39 More pictures of this computer.

Speaker 15 I think you may have overestimated my interest in the different angles.

Speaker 10 But if you have submitted this evidence, Connor, what am I supposed to be seeing here?

Speaker 52 How is this supposed to be influencing my thinking?

Speaker 56 It's just to show the different angles that it's cool.

Speaker 46 It's a cool thing.

Speaker 13 Those are actually graphics cards there, so it's kind of like six computers.

Speaker 15 You're pretty proud of this thing, aren't you?

Speaker 29 Especially for something that appears to have been made from an IKEA kitchen shelf.

Speaker 56 It is a bit of a makeshift case.

Speaker 19 A makeshift case?

Speaker 17 Yeah, you could have done a little bit better.

Speaker 56 But it's the best for airflow, so that's otherwise we just have to.

Speaker 19 Well, you know, I was going to say good for airflow.

Speaker 26 At least it's not in your living room, right?

Speaker 54 If only, if only.

Speaker 68 Next slide. Are there more?

Speaker 76 All right.

Speaker 43 Another picture of wires and knobs.

Speaker 10 Anything here I should be particularly impressed by, Connor?

Speaker 43 Looks like you got a fan in there.

Speaker 46 Oh, it looks like you got a couple of MSI things.

Speaker 66 They're a pretty good concern.

Speaker 4 Nice pick.

Speaker 47 I like that.

Speaker 29 Now, Connor, I'm a real computer expert. Down at the bottom, is that a Sound Blaster 16?

Speaker 56 I have no idea.

Speaker 16 What am I seeing here, Connor?

Speaker 19 Describe for the listening audience.

Speaker 56 It's just the motherboard, but the interesting piece here is that there's actually all the six graphics cards aren't in their normal kind of PCIe express slots.

Speaker 47 I knew there was something about it.

Speaker 24 I'm thinking there is something. I suck at it.

Speaker 16 I was fired right on the tip of my tongue.

Speaker 58 Yeah, what is it about those PCIe Express slots, I said to myself.

Speaker 44 So

Speaker 30 what have you accomplished here that I don't understand?

Speaker 56 It's just the standard way to kind of arrange the graphics cards away from the motherboard.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 19 Next slide.

Speaker 63 Oh.

Speaker 16 This is Cosmo after he died.

Speaker 12 Or maybe is just sleeping with his beautiful purple sloth loving.

Speaker 73 Yep.

Speaker 3 What is the name of that stuffed animal sloth?

Speaker 38 Sloth.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Cool.

Speaker 19 This is the dog that you wish to survive in this experiment.

Speaker 61 Yes.

Speaker 52 Connor, how do you respond to this accusation that this might be dangerous for Cosmo?

Speaker 56 Well, for one, most of the electrical components are off the ground to where he isn't going to reach them unless there's food or something in there.

Speaker 56 For some reason, for him to actually get up into it, then he's.

Speaker 67 But he has gone underneath there and behind there before, right? He's a curious person.

Speaker 46 Yeah, which I don't like that.

Speaker 56 I don't like that for sure. So any way to block that off

Speaker 21 would be good.

Speaker 38 Did you consider

Speaker 18 something other than a piece of framed art?

Speaker 46 It was just what I had lying around at the time.

Speaker 41 Yeah, it seems like all of that is from what you had lying around at the time.

Speaker 54 It's true. Your Honor, there is one other thing of protection.

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 54 My foam roller is also under his desk, and I am not allowed to use it anymore because it is the barricade to protect the dog from going under it.

Speaker 10 So a foam roller is something you would use in physical therapy or Pilates or whatever.

Speaker 19 It's a big long piece of roll, you know, a cylinder of styrofoam that you painfully roll your legs on.

Speaker 3 Yes, that's right.

Speaker 72 You scream.

Speaker 48 Yep.

Speaker 19 That's accurate.

Speaker 10 You've been saved from having to use it anymore because your palm is not using it as part of it.

Speaker 54 But then I have back pain instead.

Speaker 56 She has two of them, to be fair.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 15 If she has two, why don't you just take one?

Speaker 74 I am just taking one.

Speaker 16 Yeah, no, that's what I'm making fun of your position.

Speaker 46 Oh, okay.

Speaker 19 It's kind of like. Just because she has two things doesn't mean, uh, I can steal one.

Speaker 46 I figured that one had become mine.

Speaker 44 So you're splitting the assets.

Speaker 23 To be fair, Judge, it is a joint property state.

Speaker 4 All right, fair enough.

Speaker 65 He's right.

Speaker 47 So, oh, what do you know about the law?

Speaker 56 She knows more.

Speaker 50 What is your, are you an attorney?

Speaker 54 I am. Oh.

Speaker 10 Are you more concerned, Caroline, with the safety of Cosmo or the look of having a piece of weird Star Wars garbage in the corner of your living room or the heat or the fact that

Speaker 17 the husband, how long have you guys been married?

Speaker 54 A year and a half.

Speaker 5 A year and a half, that it turns out your husband has some weird hobbies and depraved dreams.

Speaker 54 I mean, we've been together a lot longer than a year and a half, so I've known about all the depraved dreams and whatnot for a while.

Speaker 65 What other schemes has he hatched in past?

Speaker 54 I don't know about schemes, but I'd say he's an impulsive hobbyist where he'll get really excited about something and go all in.

Speaker 54 These things would include drumming, airsoft rifling,

Speaker 54 DJing.

Speaker 44 I did not go all in on that one.

Speaker 54 Okay, but you did buy some weird equipment that you use like once you're just a little green.

Speaker 47 Yeah, just a little thing.

Speaker 10 Why is it that all of your hobbies involve expensive equipment, loud noises, and potential for injury?

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Some of the best ones.

Speaker 54 He buys these things, and some of them cost quite a bit of money, and he'll get really excited about it for a short period of time. And then he'll be like, oh, no, I'm not really into it anymore.

Speaker 54 And then instead of selling off the equipment, it just... piles up in our apartment.

Speaker 54 And so this has happened over and over again, and that's kind of how I feel this might turn out to be. This equipment was really expensive.

Speaker 15 How much money did he spend on it, if you don't mind, U.S.

Speaker 5 dollars?

Speaker 54 I believe the last I heard was $3,600.

Speaker 40 $3,600.

Speaker 41 Did you hear those low whistles?

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Plus $14.99 for that shelf.

Speaker 8 But he did save a little money there by not assembling it.

Speaker 63 Yeah, true.

Speaker 19 Yeah, those low whistles are the international symbol of what the hell, man.

Speaker 60 And then what about the other stuff?

Speaker 8 The airsoft rifling, the drum kit.

Speaker 35 Like, do you have a drum kit collecting dust in your house?

Speaker 54 We do.

Speaker 46 Well, it's in the attic. It's not.

Speaker 54 No, it's not. It's in the closet.
You can't reach anything in the closet because it's there.

Speaker 56 I put like half of it in the attic.

Speaker 62 And then the things that wouldn't go up the door.

Speaker 48 It's a big part of it, though.

Speaker 36 But you are acknowledging that you put it in a place as if to say, I will never touch this again.

Speaker 56 I want to touch it again, but it's

Speaker 70 as soon as I get my ether coins together, I'm totally going to take those drum lessons.

Speaker 46 I was taking drum lessons for a while.

Speaker 54 He was. The drumming, that was more of a legitimate hobby, but we still have a big drum set.

Speaker 52 But you're basically saying that this problem is going to solve itself because eventually this rig is going to burn out, and he's going to get bored with it, and he's going to be on to the next thing, which is like building a Zeppelin in the kitchen or whatever.

Speaker 54 He has talked about other schemes,

Speaker 54 but the thing I'm worried about is that he's either just going to let it run, even though he's not as excited about it anymore, and we're just going to have this somewhat dangerous, big, hot thing running, and we're not going to make any money off of it.

Speaker 54 It's supposed to take a long time to even earn back some of the money that it costs.

Speaker 46 All right.

Speaker 19 So we know that we have an investment of $3,600 actual currency dollars.

Speaker 43 Yes. How many

Speaker 8 ether shillings have you gotten so far?

Speaker 30 I've gotten maybe a little over three, three or four, but it's only been three months.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 37 And

Speaker 3 in the current exchange, what are those three or four

Speaker 10 Ether tokens worth?

Speaker 56 I believe last time I checked, the exchange was $260.

Speaker 66 Don't make me do math.

Speaker 18 Just give me the total.

Speaker 62 I don't.

Speaker 44 Is that the total?

Speaker 47 I've done this morning how much.

Speaker 4 Each one is $260.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I might have a reference. Yeah,

Speaker 3 thanks for coming prepared.

Speaker 47 Oh, that's my ticket.

Speaker 10 Thanks for buying a ticket.

Speaker 17 I now take back yelling at you about being prepared.

Speaker 54 Oh, he has a whole thing.

Speaker 11 He has a whole thing.

Speaker 53 Oh, boy.

Speaker 16 Are you telling me that Connor has a whole thing?

Speaker 72 Because I knew that 10 minutes ago.

Speaker 38 So it's about...

Speaker 51 What is the value of your portfolio, Connor?

Speaker 11 Let's see.

Speaker 62 No, not. Let's see.

Speaker 44 Give this to me. It's going to be a little good.

Speaker 58 You come to my courtroom.

Speaker 82 You have a computer running day and night for one purpose. One purpose only.
To mine Ethereum.

Speaker 51 That's the whole goal.

Speaker 15 You spend a whole bunch of money on it.

Speaker 35 The whole goal is to make money.

Speaker 40 Fake money, but make it.

Speaker 42 You're gonna fake it until you make it.

Speaker 19 But the value is always.

Speaker 51 You don't even know the value of your portfolio.

Speaker 39 Well, the value of Ethereum is always changing, so it's not super straightforward. And the last time you checked.

Speaker 19 I'm not constantly checking.

Speaker 10 I've never been more astonished and sickened in my life.

Speaker 54 Do you see what I live with?

Speaker 56 Well, when you're investing in a company, you don't check up on it every day.

Speaker 62 Yes, you do!

Speaker 42 Or at least that's what I've noticed some of the other dads doing.

Speaker 32 Hash rate, 150, currently produces one, three-quarter ETH per month, $200 a month at $260, around $300 a month earlier this month when they said.

Speaker 44 What'd you tell me?

Speaker 60 Connor, you told me I'm not sure. One and a quarter.
Oh, well, Jesse, it's one and a quarter ETH per month when overclocking.

Speaker 63 But that presses a lot more heat.

Speaker 23 You've got to press that turbo button, baby.

Speaker 41 That's essentially what it is.

Speaker 83 What would you, if you just, off the top of your head, would you estimate the value of your portfolio?

Speaker 10 If I were you, I would just lie and say $3,700.

Speaker 56 It's probably like $1,000 to $1,500 or something.

Speaker 54 You said this morning that it was that, but then it went down to 700 because, and I quote, because of China.

Speaker 62 All right.

Speaker 35 Something did happen recently in China.

Speaker 52 When do you anticipate

Speaker 72 paying off on your investment, breaking even on this thing?

Speaker 56 Well, I guess if it was to maintain its current value, Ethereum, then it would be, I guess, around a year.

Speaker 66 And so are you asking me, if I were to rule in your favor, to let you

Speaker 41 get to 3,600 and then pull the plug?

Speaker 56 I guess you could pull the plug. Are you talking about selling the Ethereum at that point or just selling the mining rig?

Speaker 68 Stopping all of this.

Speaker 56 Because I can just keep the Ethereum and it could go up in value.

Speaker 26 How many Ethereum do you think you could get for the drum kit?

Speaker 46 Ooh, that's a good question.

Speaker 74 Two or so, maybe? Two or three.

Speaker 46 What would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor?

Speaker 54 Either to stop right away and sell all the equipment back, because you could probably make most of that back,

Speaker 54 or else make a certain amount to play the experiment through a little more, not a year, and then see how it goes and then sell it.

Speaker 54 But the big thing is to actually sell the equipment when this is done so that we can get some of that money back and not have this mining rig taking up more space in our place.

Speaker 7 Let me ask you, the thing is ugly.

Speaker 48 It's super ugly.

Speaker 81 It fits the decor of our apartment, of our house, though.

Speaker 18 If you were to see the rest of the. Can I see slide one again, please?

Speaker 46 I mean, my computer is right there.

Speaker 56 It's not the most attractive thing either.

Speaker 54 Yeah, but we have this nice

Speaker 62 one.

Speaker 54 You can't see it as well.

Speaker 19 It does fit the decor of

Speaker 46 your apartment.

Speaker 48 You've got Star Wars settings.

Speaker 74 The big projector isn't always down.

Speaker 21 I'd be inclined to characterize their interior design scheme as blinking miscellany.

Speaker 12 I think it does match your decor very well.

Speaker 4 Thank you.

Speaker 66 Your decor is terrible.

Speaker 51 I don't know.

Speaker 30 I think that those Ethernet cables really complement the fireplace.

Speaker 26 Sure.

Speaker 48 Sure.

Speaker 8 Well, look, if you're going for something retro like 1991 Bachelor Pad,

Speaker 24 the only thing missing is a samurai sword

Speaker 16 and a Duran-Duran poster.

Speaker 11 It's important. It's a little updating.

Speaker 30 Look, Look, I've met both property brothers.

Speaker 76 I know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 56 This might be the trend in San Francisco right now.

Speaker 28 Interior decor theme as LAN party.

Speaker 73 Sure.

Speaker 24 Caroline, it doesn't look good.

Speaker 37 It's hot, but it's what it is.

Speaker 55 It's just as hot like a computer.

Speaker 8 It's not going to set anything on fire.

Speaker 57 Well, it's not going to kill your dog.

Speaker 48 Tell me what really bothers you about this.

Speaker 54 Well, it has a, didn't it like blow a fuse or something too while we were away?

Speaker 72 I don't care about the business.

Speaker 54 Anyway, the other, one other piece I haven't mentioned yet is that the utilities bill, we pay a flat utility fee to our landlord, so it's good for us, but she will probably see her electricity bill spike a lot.

Speaker 54 And I'm a little bit worried since she's also an attorney that she will think that we are growing some sort of

Speaker 54 a lot of pot. We're doing something else.

Speaker 68 How do I, some sort of, how do I put this?

Speaker 4 A metric ton of marijuana

Speaker 54 Yeah, and you know the Bay Area it's difficult to find a really nice place and I don't want to get thrown out of there because we're I kind of feel like that argument might be a little specious because in Oakland I think there's at this point like

Speaker 20 city pot farms that just distribute pot on the corner.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 55 There's not enough Ethereum, frankly.

Speaker 54 Well, it's more, I guess it's also more just about the utilities bill. You know, there's, we do the flat rate because there's some sort of exchange of trust there.

Speaker 54 And then if it spikes and we're seen as taking advantage of it, that could ruin that relationship.

Speaker 24 Besides which, it is an ethical lapse.

Speaker 54 Yep.

Speaker 46 It's an ethical crime, Connor. Because you're taking advantage.

Speaker 5 You're taking advantage of this fixed electric bill and you're using a lot of electricity to make yourself some fake money.

Speaker 56 But there's no stipulation in the lease. So it's not.
I mean, maybe it's ethical, but it's also.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I didn't say it was legal.

Speaker 46 I said it was ethical.

Speaker 57 See, you're being a jerk.

Speaker 47 Maybe. I don't know.
I don't know if I agree with that.

Speaker 33 Caroline,

Speaker 70 it's hot. It's a dog killer.

Speaker 48 It's ugly.

Speaker 37 Your landlord, you're going to become homeless soon.

Speaker 62 Probably.

Speaker 24 All of this is

Speaker 3 window dressing, and by window dressing, I mean a dusty Venetian blind that's closed all the time, according to...

Speaker 4 As per your apartment.

Speaker 19 I want to go to the crux of this.

Speaker 3 How does it make you feel when Connor comes home and says, guess what?

Speaker 14 I've got a new idea.

Speaker 54 I mean, part of it is I'm excited that he gets excited about stuff, but it's frustrating when it's something that costs a lot of money.

Speaker 54 And when I know he's probably going to get sick of it before too long.

Speaker 75 If you're an attorney, you must be rich.

Speaker 54 Living in the Bay Area.

Speaker 38 So it's frustrating when he comes home.

Speaker 72 And did you consult with Caroline before you spent the money on the rig or did you just like, honey, I'm home?

Speaker 56 I definitely did. And she actually

Speaker 56 helped buy one-third of the graphics cards.

Speaker 54 I only did it because you needed somebody to

Speaker 46 distribute the Amazon.

Speaker 56 It's only two per customer.

Speaker 83 Just because your wife is an enabler is not a defense.

Speaker 46 I'm just saying, she went along with it.

Speaker 54 I outlaid my very strong objections to doing it. And I also didn't know it was going to cost quite that much or take that long to earn the money back.

Speaker 24 So, if I rule in your favor,

Speaker 46 pull the plug now or when?

Speaker 54 Well, we're in a couple of months. The big thing is just selling the equipment back.

Speaker 67 Give me a day and date. I mean,

Speaker 72 he could pull the plug now remotely from London.

Speaker 74 That's true.

Speaker 54 I guess I would give him maybe three months, see if maybe things with China change.

Speaker 3 Oh, I don't think that's going to happen.

Speaker 36 I'm just being nice.

Speaker 10 International geopolitics is very stable right now.

Speaker 11 Smooth sailing, I call it.

Speaker 37 Connor, if I were to rule in Caroline's favor, is three months enough? Too much?

Speaker 57 Not enough. I guess it's unclear.

Speaker 56 I guess it's probably not enough. Not enough.
Let it go until the graphics cards depreciate in value.

Speaker 46 To the point where you're going to sell.

Speaker 44 Let it go until the graphic cards burn.

Speaker 56 Well, that does happen, but luckily, you know, they burn out eventually.

Speaker 54 How can we have no Ethereum and we can't sell the equipment?

Speaker 60 Well, you'll have the Ethereum, like, you keep the Ethereum that you mine out of that thing, right?

Speaker 46 Yeah. All right.
All two of them.

Speaker 41 I think I've heard everything I need to.

Speaker 42 Two, and how many do you have again?

Speaker 77 It's more like three to four, somewhere between there.

Speaker 10 And you know that this court does accept fake brushes.

Speaker 56 What's your Ethereum address?

Speaker 10 What's my what?

Speaker 56 What's your Ethereum address?

Speaker 5 I'm scandalized now for some reason.

Speaker 19 Let me go into my chambers and I'll look it up for you. And I'll also think about my decision.

Speaker 10 I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Speaker 26 Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 31 Connor, is your end game to sell these Ethereums, or is it to do something creepy with them?

Speaker 56 It ultimately would be to sell them, but probably not in the foreseeable future.

Speaker 84 So you'd focus for now on creepy stuff, then later on selling them?

Speaker 25 Right, right.

Speaker 21 And the main goal here is just to subvert the government as much as you can in the short term, and then in the long term, cash in?

Speaker 26 Right.

Speaker 56 Well, it's more just to support a technology, which I think, you know, the blockchain and cryptocurrency in in general that is going to be.

Speaker 23 Could really have a lot of great potential to subvert the government.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 56 Maybe that's yeah, maybe that's what needs to happen.

Speaker 53 I don't know.

Speaker 25 I mean, I live like 500 miles away, and I'd prefer if the government stayed not subverted.

Speaker 51 Oh, okay. Like fully functional and all.

Speaker 56 Well, just maybe in terms of, you know, how money is handled.

Speaker 56 Maybe Fiat isn't the, well, I don't know.

Speaker 25 Caroline, how are you feeling about your chances here?

Speaker 54 I'm feeling pretty good. I guess there's always chance for a surprise, but it seemed like a lot of fun was made of Connor.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 54 so even if I happen to not win, I'm still pretty happy about that.

Speaker 25 Connor, how are you feeling?

Speaker 56 Well, I'd just like to say, you you know, I'm sure a lot of those early Bitcoin miners and investors also got made fun of quite a bit.

Speaker 44 And deservedly. They're still millionaires.

Speaker 43 And the fun hasn't stopped either.

Speaker 54 But they were investors. They didn't mine it themselves in their living room.

Speaker 26 Can I ask the two of you a question incidental to this?

Speaker 27 Would you be willing, my mother is a furniture dealer in San Francisco.

Speaker 26 Would you be willing to accept a 10% discount in her store, Emeritus, inside the larger store, Stuff

Speaker 26 on Valencia Street in San Francisco

Speaker 26 so that you can buy some actual furniture for your house?

Speaker 28 Because you're both white-collar professionals and grown adults and you appear to be

Speaker 46 the rest of the house looks very nice, I think.

Speaker 56 It's just this one corner that's kind of the tech.

Speaker 48 Gatto.

Speaker 54 I think my parents would agree with you, though, on the decor of that room.

Speaker 26 We'll see what Judge Sean Hodgman has to say about all this.

Speaker 85 Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

Speaker 3 Ladies and gentlemen, we live in uncertain times.

Speaker 10 Structures that we thought were inviolable are collapsing around us.

Speaker 15 Futures that we thought were secured have been shown to be insecure. Currency is perhaps the next norm to be violated.

Speaker 10 And we must be prepared.

Speaker 53 Now, you all know me,

Speaker 77 I've always

Speaker 5 put my stock in a future currency, which is dollars that are printed on beef jerky.

Speaker 11 They last a long time.

Speaker 15 And at need, you can eat them until your gums hurt.

Speaker 42 I don't understand

Speaker 13 what you are doing

Speaker 47 at all.

Speaker 47 It's fine.

Speaker 46 And I tried to read up on it.

Speaker 50 But I appreciate that you are doing it.

Speaker 40 I hope you are not amassing Ethereum in order to pay contract killers.

Speaker 52 Which is one of the things that Bitcoin was being used for and other dark web shenanigans.

Speaker 9 You seem too nice.

Speaker 56 A very small portion of Bitcoin,

Speaker 46 but enough.

Speaker 7 It gets a bad rep, but it's not the technology's fault.

Speaker 15 And I also appreciate that you are engaged in a hobby that has all of these multiple variables.

Speaker 15 Something happening in China can affect the value of your portfolio.

Speaker 13 You've got to keep these cards up and running.

Speaker 10 How much Ethereum can you mine to make the initial investment of the $3,600 worth it before the whole rig depreciates that you can't get your money back?

Speaker 15 And meanwhile, you're goosing your profit margin by taking advantage of your landlady.

Speaker 75 I love all this.

Speaker 7 So, you see, like, you know what, I love this better.

Speaker 17 I mean, what I would have said if I didn't know better to Caroline was, you know, at least he's not a drummer.

Speaker 46 Then I learned you are a drummer.

Speaker 34 You're a drummer and an airsoft rifle enthusiast.

Speaker 59 And what was the other thing?

Speaker 36 You smashed bottles or something for fun?

Speaker 19 What was it?

Speaker 46 I don't know. DJ.

Speaker 47 Oh, yeah, DJ. That's right.

Speaker 33 That's right.

Speaker 46 A drummer who's also a DJ.

Speaker 33 Could get more SCSI.

Speaker 10 No offense, drummers and DJs.

Speaker 19 I guess.

Speaker 24 I guess, no, I mean offense.

Speaker 44 Sorry.

Speaker 44 And

Speaker 29 when I asked you the value of your portfolio, you went into your pocket to a piece of paper that has no words written on it

Speaker 65 that are understandable to anyone.

Speaker 43 And

Speaker 10 that really struck me because this is the thing.

Speaker 8 It's like,

Speaker 5 if this is your real hobby, then I would hope you would be the kind of weird husband who knew the value of his ETHs every second of the day.

Speaker 68 If you had come to me with that, I'd have been like, Caroline, I know you married a weirdo.

Speaker 8 And I'm sorry for that.

Speaker 10 But this guy's got his eyes on the prize.

Speaker 74 When everything falls apart and there are no laws anymore for you to enforce with your lawyering,

Speaker 19 this guy's going to have a pocket full of ETHs and an airsoft rifle and he's going to keep you safe.

Speaker 40 But now I don't know how serious you are.

Speaker 37 And meanwhile, you've got a hot piece of equipment running 24 hours a day, threatening to electrocute your dog, burn down a house that you do not own, and what's worse, you have a desk that has a glass top.

Speaker 46 It's a great, it's a great idea.

Speaker 24 All of these things must change.

Speaker 78 Oh, no.

Speaker 15 I think Caroline is being very generous to allow you three months to get your actual world money back out of this thing.

Speaker 4 But I don't think it's enough.

Speaker 10 I want this to go all the way.

Speaker 14 I want you to get $3,600 and go.

Speaker 67 I want you to make a big profit that is imaginary, but big.

Speaker 60 I think that you running an Ethereum mining operation in your own house is frankly very sexy.

Speaker 14 Thank you. I think, though, you must

Speaker 9 do a couple of things in order to make it acceptable to the woman who I think means more to you than imaginary money.

Speaker 73 I hope.

Speaker 16 One, you got to make it look better.

Speaker 42 Two, you got to invest some more money into a better case or something.

Speaker 69 You got to stop stealing foam rollers from your wife.

Speaker 13 to keep your dog away from it.

Speaker 43 That's just throwing good foam after bad.

Speaker 8 Or I don't know what that means.

Speaker 43 And you need to go all in on this now.

Speaker 65 I don't want this to just be another hobby that you're going to throw away in two seconds.

Speaker 42 This is your commitment.

Speaker 11 I want you to know what the value of your portfolio is.

Speaker 42 I want you to send me an email once a month to let me know

Speaker 8 at hodgman at maximumfund.org so that we can update the podcast listening audience as to the value of your portfolio.

Speaker 68 I need some Jim Kramer-style analysis of where things are going in the Ethereum market.

Speaker 10 I want you to write a financial newsletter that you send to me once a month.

Speaker 16 I want you to throw those drums in the garbage

Speaker 17 or donate them to a family that you want to torture.

Speaker 10 I want you to get rid of all the DJ equipment and all the airsoft rifles and all the detritus and all the abandoned hobbies because this is the one now.

Speaker 66 And I want you to run that thing until those cards burn up and your house burns down.

Speaker 43 This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 41 Judge John Hodgman rules.

Speaker 48 That is all.

Speaker 31 Ladies and gentlemen, Caroline and Connor.

Speaker 85 You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Speaker 85 Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfund.org slash join. And you can join them by going going to maximumfun.org slash join.

Speaker 87 The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Speaker 88 Jesse, the reviews are in.

Speaker 88 My new super soft hoodie from Quince that I got at the beginning of the summer is indeed super soft. People cannot stop touching me and going, that is a soft.

Speaker 88 sweatshirt and I agree with them and it goes so well with my Quince overshirts that that I'm wearing right now, my beautiful cotton Piquet overshirts and all the other stuff that I've gotten from Quince.

Speaker 88 Why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to? Quince has the good stuff.

Speaker 88 High-quality fabrics, classic fits, lightweight layers for warm weather, and increasingly chilly leather, all at prices that make sense.

Speaker 88 Everything I've ordered from Quince has been nothing but solid, and I will go back there again and buy that stuff with my own money.

Speaker 87 John, you know what I got from Quince? I got this beautiful linen double flap pocket shirt that's sort of like an adventure shirt. And I also got a merino wool polo shirt.

Speaker 87 Oh, it's like a it's like a mid-gray, looks good underneath anything, perfect for traveling. Because with merino wool, it like, it basically rejects your stink.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 87 It's a stink-rejecting technology, John.

Speaker 88 It says, get thee behind me, stink.

Speaker 87 Yeah, exactly. And, you know, honestly, even if I do need to wash it, I can just wear it in the shower when I'm traveling and then

Speaker 87 roll it in a towel and it's pretty much ready to go.

Speaker 87 Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes.

Speaker 88 Quince has wonderful clothes for women, men, kids, babies. They have travel stuff.
They have gifts. They have quilts and bedspreads.
They've got everything. Go over there and find out for yourself.

Speaker 88 Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash JJHO for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

Speaker 88 That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com slash jjho to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash jjho.

Speaker 87 The Judge John Hodgman podcast, also brought to you this week by Made Inn.

Speaker 88 So you know that Made In makes the pots and pans and griddles and woks and more that pro-chefs like Tom Calicchio use every every day at their home than in their restaurant.

Speaker 88 But they are also used by non-pro-chefs like me. You know, I spent the summer smashing those burgers on my big carbon steel griddle I've been talking about all the time.

Speaker 88 But fall is on the horizon and it's time to stop smashing and start braising and stewing and roasting vegetables in your carbon steel pan or slow-cooking chili in your Maiden stainless steel stockpot.

Speaker 88 Or maybe you've got a kid who's going to college.

Speaker 88 Maybe they're going to UNC Chapel Hill shop Made In's collegiate collection, and you can send your kid a UNC Dutch oven so they can host one of those classic tar heel dorm room pot roast parties.

Speaker 88 I'm sure they exist. Whatever you want to make in your kitchen, though, you can make it, you can serve it, you can savor it in Made Inn.

Speaker 87 From cookware to tableware to glassware to pro-grade knives, Made In is dedicated to making exactly what demanding chefs are looking for.

Speaker 87 The carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron and stainless clad. We've talked about it before.
It gets super hot.

Speaker 87 It's also rugged enough for grills or open flames, and you can season it to a non-stick surface. Really special stuff.

Speaker 87 And all of the made-in products are sold online, so you get professional-grade cookware for a lot less money than other high-end brands.

Speaker 88 If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made-in,

Speaker 88 made-in. For full details, visit madeincookware.com.
That's m-a-d-e-i-n cookware.com and tell them that Judge John Hodgman sent you.

Speaker 26 Judge Hodgman, it feels like music time to me.

Speaker 19 I would love to hear, you know, we always have such wonderful musical guests at these live shows, and tonight we have a brand new one.

Speaker 21 She has three albums, the most recent of which was called The Moths Are Real.

Speaker 30 It was produced by Jarvis Cocker.

Speaker 25 Those are substantially harp-based albums.

Speaker 10 Because she's a classically trained harpist.

Speaker 26 Exactly.

Speaker 27 She now has a harpless band called Bas Yan,

Speaker 27 which has no harp.

Speaker 27 Their first album called Yes I Yan is coming out on Lost Map Records at the end of the year.

Speaker 21 Please welcome to the stage our musical guest for this evening, Serafina Steer.

Speaker 42 Serafina Steer, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 89 Good evening, good afternoon, everybody.

Speaker 89 Hours,

Speaker 89 what are the hours

Speaker 89 spent thinking like this?

Speaker 89 Dance today

Speaker 89 without motion,

Speaker 89 like an ocean

Speaker 89 without a wave.

Speaker 74 I'm gonna go outside now and forage for food.

Speaker 89 I hope it's not too late to make,

Speaker 79 make good.

Speaker 79 I am animal, only animal

Speaker 79 Say hello, say hello, say hello

Speaker 79 Got to love, got to love,

Speaker 79 got to learn

Speaker 79 Say hello, say hello

Speaker 79 Wonder,

Speaker 79 I wonder why

Speaker 79 we sometimes come

Speaker 63 together.

Speaker 79 We often

Speaker 79 come undone.

Speaker 79 You win, you lose

Speaker 79 some.

Speaker 79 Then you've got to let it go with your head held high.

Speaker 79 Oh, but I lay there on the sofa asking,

Speaker 79 So don't lie there

Speaker 79 No, don't lie there, no, don't lie there

Speaker 79 I am animal only animal

Speaker 79 Say hello, say hello, say hello

Speaker 79 Got to love, got to love

Speaker 79 Say hello,

Speaker 79 say hello. Who you think I'm up to?

Speaker 79 Do my old tricks. Maybe it is sort of a game.

Speaker 79 But it's a

Speaker 79 weird sort of game.

Speaker 79 It's all or nothing,

Speaker 79 there's nothing remains.

Speaker 79 I am animal

Speaker 79 only animal

Speaker 79 Only animal

Speaker 79 Say hello, say hello, say hello

Speaker 79 Say hello.

Speaker 79 Um,

Speaker 89 the last song I played was called I Am Animal, and this song is called Profile Picture.

Speaker 63 I've

Speaker 89 changed my profile picture.

Speaker 89 24 likes.

Speaker 89 25.

Speaker 89 My hair looks fine, but nobody cares.

Speaker 63 Nobody cares.

Speaker 44 Seraphina Steer,

Speaker 59 what's on your mind?

Speaker 89 Why so third person?

Speaker 89 I changed my profile picture.

Speaker 89 Twenty-four likes,

Speaker 89 twenty-five.

Speaker 89 My hair looks fine

Speaker 79 But nobody cares

Speaker 79 Nobody cares

Speaker 79 Concentrate

Speaker 79 Why can't you concentrate

Speaker 79 Concentrate

Speaker 79 Why can't you concentrate

Speaker 79 Think of your career

Speaker 79 All the work you've put in

Speaker 79 People who don't know you don't owe you a second look

Speaker 89 Concentrate

Speaker 89 Why can't you concentrate

Speaker 79 Concentrate

Speaker 79 Why can't you concentrate

Speaker 79 I need a friend beside me

Speaker 79 I mean right beside me

Speaker 79 I know you're with me

Speaker 79 I know you're with me but I

Speaker 79 I need a friend beside me now

Speaker 79 I mean right beside me

Speaker 79 I know you're with me

Speaker 79 I know you're with me but I can't concentrate

Speaker 44 concentrate

Speaker 44 26 likes

Speaker 89 I've changed my profile picture 27

Speaker 79 I know you know that

Speaker 79 twenty eight

Speaker 79 I've changed my profile picture I know you know that

Speaker 80 concentrate

Speaker 20 I'm Emily Fleming. I'm Jordan Morris.

Speaker 45 And I'm Matt Lieb. We are real comedy writers, real friends, and real cheapskates.

Speaker 45 On every episode of our podcast, Free With Ads, we ask, why pay for expensive streaming services when you can get free movies from apps with weird names?

Speaker 90 Each week, we review the freest movies the internet has to offer.

Speaker 45 Classics like Pride and Prejudice, cult classics like Point Break, and holy sh, what did I just watch?

Speaker 84 Classics like Teen Witch.

Speaker 90 Tune in every week as we take a deep dive into the internet's bargain bin.

Speaker 23 Every Tuesday on maximumfund.org or your favorite pod place.

Speaker 77 The Flop House is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Speaker 21 Robert Shaw in Jaws, and they're trying to figure out how to get rid of the ghoulies.

Speaker 46 He scratches his nails and goes, I'll get you a ghoulie.

Speaker 77 He's just standing above the toilet with a heartbreak.

Speaker 77 No, I'm just looking forward to you going through the other ways in which Wild Wild West is historically inaccurate.

Speaker 48 Do you know how much movies cost nowadays when you add in your popped corn and your bagel bites and your cheese critters?

Speaker 20 You can't go wrong with Henry Camille Mustache.

Speaker 92 Here at Henry Cavill Mustache is the only supplier.

Speaker 62 The Flop House.

Speaker 22 New episodes every Saturday. Find it at maximumfun.org.

Speaker 6 Well, Judge Hodgman, we've been here for a few days from America, and we've

Speaker 26 meted out a fair amount of justice.

Speaker 30 But from what I have heard...

Speaker 24 It was a fair meeting.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 29 From what I have heard, there remains injustice in this great nation. What?

Speaker 11 Still?

Speaker 35 We've only got a few minutes left in the show, but it seems to me like we could really wrap up this whole injustice thing in the UK for once and for all.

Speaker 27 All right.

Speaker 24 Let's bang out some law.

Speaker 26 Why don't we start by putting 10 minutes on the clock and seeing if we can solve three disputes in 10 minutes?

Speaker 22 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Anna and Nick.

Speaker 43 Anna and Nick.

Speaker 55 Come, come, sit down.

Speaker 42 We need to settle this right away.

Speaker 33 You're automatically sworn in.

Speaker 10 Anna, Nick, who brings the case against whom?

Speaker 92 I bring the case against Nick.

Speaker 43 Anna, make your accusation.

Speaker 92 So I read the book Into Thin Air, which is about people dying on a climbing expedition up Mount Everest.

Speaker 44 Sure.

Speaker 92 And when I read it, I had this insight of like, oh my god, Nick definitely wants to do this. And I asked him to promise me not to do it, because in the book and in life, lots of people die doing this.

Speaker 92 And he said no. So I would like you to make him promise me never to do this.

Speaker 69 Nick, did you just get the idea to refuse to promise to climb Mount Everest because you knew it would make your wife upset?

Speaker 27 No, no.

Speaker 41 Are you going to climb Mount Everest?

Speaker 14 Highly unlikely.

Speaker 46 Have you ever?

Speaker 46 Hold on, that wasn't a no.

Speaker 44 Have you ever climbed?

Speaker 30 Like, I can tell you right now, look at my eyes, I'm not going to climb Mount Everest.

Speaker 43 I just want to assess the risk of your accidentally climbing Mount Everest.

Speaker 19 You might accidentally fall up it one day.

Speaker 37 Have you climbed anything before?

Speaker 11 I have. What's the tallest thing you climbed?

Speaker 91 Mount Whitney.

Speaker 70 How tall is that one?

Speaker 91 It's 14,000 plus. It's the highest mountain in the lower 48 of the United States.

Speaker 36 Highest in the lowest 48.

Speaker 4 A great motto.

Speaker 10 And is a lifelong dream of yours to climb Mount Everest?

Speaker 57 Not really.

Speaker 44 So

Speaker 8 why don't you just say, I promise not to climb Mount Everest and make Anna happy, and then maybe one day when she goes on vacation with her sister or whatever, you just do it anyway.

Speaker 46 Guess what I did, honey?

Speaker 68 Guess where I'm calling from.

Speaker 91 I promised to her that I would not do it without her permission.

Speaker 92 But he clearly has a plan to climb Mount Everest after I die. Like, he keeps bringing it up that he could do it with our daughter as if that would make me feel better.

Speaker 46 That's right.

Speaker 33 It would be so much fun if you were left a widow and

Speaker 19 a childless mourner.

Speaker 23 Is your daughter a Sherpa at all?

Speaker 62 Definitely not.

Speaker 75 Why would you want to decline Mount Everest?

Speaker 35 I do not say because it's there.

Speaker 47 No.

Speaker 7 Because let me tell you something.

Speaker 75 It's been done.

Speaker 16 A lot of people have died.

Speaker 15 It's a huge amount, it's a huge expense of money.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 9 It's nothing other than dumb ego.

Speaker 11 And you're taking advantage of uh a lot of native workers who may not feel so great about helping you up the mountain oh i hear it's cold there it's cold and

Speaker 91 you just an aholic thing to do you understand that don't you yeah no no i i know that i i just feel like i want to preserve my option and and and i i've given her i've given her the ability to veto like i know that we're married but i want a hall pass for this one thing

Speaker 37 Yeah, getting married means you don't have options anymore.

Speaker 10 You understand, though, that you gave him this whole idea.

Speaker 12 He probably never would have thought of it until you read it.

Speaker 27 No, no, no.

Speaker 92 He read the book before I did and kept telling me how great it was. And then when I started to read the book, I was like, oh, I see exactly where this came from.

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 52 I think that he's just driving you a little crazy on purpose.

Speaker 3 I think it's highly unlikely he's going to climb Mount Everest.

Speaker 67 He's made the point that he will not do so without your permission.

Speaker 57 You will never grant that permission. I think the situation has been resolved.

Speaker 31 Please welcome Simon and Helen.

Speaker 50 By the way, so are you also Americans?

Speaker 48 No. Oh, thank God.

Speaker 59 Simon and Helen? Yep.

Speaker 60 Hello.

Speaker 3 I think I know which one is Simon and which one is Helen.

Speaker 15 Who brings the case against whom?

Speaker 93 I do, Johanna.

Speaker 52 Simon, make your accusation.

Speaker 93 I believe that tomato ketchup is a dip, and Helen will not agree with this.

Speaker 61 People laughed when you said that. I'm in Helen's favor.

Speaker 86 Izzy and Dan, please.

Speaker 62 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 10 We do need to move on, but I just want to know the source of your madness, Simon.

Speaker 93 My reasons are twofold.

Speaker 44 You dip things in.

Speaker 93 Exactly.

Speaker 3 From time to time.

Speaker 93 That's one of my main reasons.

Speaker 44 Why does it make it a dip?

Speaker 93 You dip things into it. It's the act of dipping that is important.

Speaker 93 It's also the same consistency as similar dips. Sour cream, nacho cheese.

Speaker 44 No. It is not the same.

Speaker 44 It's not the same consistency at all.

Speaker 43 And nor would you ever pour sour cream onto a hamburger.

Speaker 46 Judge Hodgman? Yes.

Speaker 27 Can I make my own accusation? Please.

Speaker 26 It's my opinion that Simon is a dip.

Speaker 79 Oh.

Speaker 81 Ouch.

Speaker 44 That's cold as cool ranch dressing.

Speaker 36 I understand where you're coming from, but I think you're just making trouble for no reason.

Speaker 41 Obviously, ketchup has a long, long history as a condiment and a sauce.

Speaker 15 It is inconsequential that you occasionally dip things into it.

Speaker 19 It is used mostly for squirting on to other things.

Speaker 66 And therefore I cannot find in your favor, though you are both very adorable.

Speaker 43 Thank you. Find in favor of Helen.

Speaker 84 Izzy and Dan, please.

Speaker 44 Izzy

Speaker 9 and Dan.

Speaker 17 Dan, whatever you do, take your time.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 41 We're a little bit under the gun.

Speaker 10 Who brings this case against whom?

Speaker 46 I do.

Speaker 7 Izzy?

Speaker 10 What is your relationship to this strange old man?

Speaker 94 This is my dad.

Speaker 46 He's your dad.

Speaker 48 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 10 And what is your accusation, beef, dispute, concern, quarrel?

Speaker 94 We had a dog. We lived in South Africa.
We had a dog and we asked to leave him there.

Speaker 63 And now he has a room. Good stop.

Speaker 7 A whole lot of narrative just came through.

Speaker 57 You had a dog. You lived where? South Africa.

Speaker 11 In South Africa. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Obviously, you don't live there anymore.

Speaker 66 No.

Speaker 57 You live here. Yeah.

Speaker 16 And you left your dog behind.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Monstrous thing to do, by the way.

Speaker 62 Yep.

Speaker 4 Because you know that dog's just going to try to find you.

Speaker 4 He's round about Kenya at the moment.

Speaker 7 What's the name of the dog?

Speaker 44 Asterix.

Speaker 11 Asterix.

Speaker 48 Oh.

Speaker 10 Asterix is now trudging through the Sahara Desert going,

Speaker 44 Izzy, Izzy.

Speaker 59 I wish there were some computer I could climb under to commit suicide.

Speaker 55 But Asterix is in the past.

Speaker 94 And now there's a rule, which has always been there, but I still don't agree with it, that we can't have a dog

Speaker 94 that's small enough for him to feasibly kick over a rugby post.

Speaker 46 You want to get a new dog.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 The rule of the house, and of many houses,

Speaker 34 is that the dog must be large enough that your father cannot kick it through a rugby goal.

Speaker 39 Is that what it's called?

Speaker 94 Feasibly over a rugby post.

Speaker 48 A rugby post. All right.

Speaker 7 Why do you guys have these weird sports?

Speaker 70 What's your problem with small dogs there, Dan?

Speaker 95 I really hate small, yappy dogs. Yes.

Speaker 24 What kind of dog was Asterix?

Speaker 95 He was a German shepherd.

Speaker 4 Cross. Well, you gave him the wrong name.

Speaker 48 Yeah, fair point.

Speaker 59 Asterix was a small, yappy goal.

Speaker 44 Should have called him Obelix.

Speaker 94 That was a debate we had, I think.

Speaker 46 It was a debate you had. Yeah.

Speaker 94 In the car on the way home with the puppy. What do we name it?

Speaker 19 And what side were you on?

Speaker 94 I was on Asterisk. He wanted to call him Groot so that he could write on the collar, I am Groot.

Speaker 28 I renounce my status as a dad.

Speaker 41 You make you renounce your weird dads as a child.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 70 This court has a lot of tolerance for weird dads and weird dad jokes.

Speaker 61 That one one I cannot stand.

Speaker 94 There's a really big problem with that. In Afrikaans, which is what most of them speak, group means big.

Speaker 94 And he has this problem of not shouting some stupid dog name across a park when to everyone else he'd be just shouting big.

Speaker 44 Big!

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Big!

Speaker 16 But you understand, that's probably your dad's ideal dog name to begin with.

Speaker 68 Big dog!

Speaker 19 Come here, so I can't kick you over a thing.

Speaker 48 In

Speaker 95 my defense, because all this being said out loud, I'm a monster.

Speaker 95 No dog would ever be kicked.

Speaker 11 It's like a thought experiment.

Speaker 47 I know that. I understand.

Speaker 94 No, I was on Instagram earlier, and there was a little dog that goes, yeah, I could kick that over a rubber post.

Speaker 51 Yeah, theoretically.

Speaker 44 He didn't say theoretically. He said, I could kick that over a rubber post.

Speaker 84 Dan, I attacked you for the whole thing about I am Grood, and you earned that one.

Speaker 25 However, I have two small dogs. They're about 15 or 20 pounds.

Speaker 30 They're terrier chihuahua mixes.

Speaker 26 And I have often confessed to my wife, much to her dismay, that I fantasize about kicking them like an American football.

Speaker 63 And they wouldn't be hurt.

Speaker 58 They would fly, and they would love it.

Speaker 28 They would think it was amazing.

Speaker 81 Like, super.

Speaker 60 Well, if you throw them the right way, they spin like a corkscrew.

Speaker 3 All right, Izzy, why do you want a small dog?

Speaker 94 Well, first of all, we have cats, and they're small enough to cats.

Speaker 44 How many? Two.

Speaker 94 Oh, boy.

Speaker 94 He's a self-confessed cat person. He could kick them over a rugby post.
So what's the problem with dogs?

Speaker 63 What's the difference?

Speaker 44 Here I have to stand up for a day.

Speaker 9 There is a difference between cats and dogs.

Speaker 62 No, our cat acts like a dog.

Speaker 94 He chases frisbees.

Speaker 60 Cats don't care if you live or die.

Speaker 60 And they will only be around so far as they can get something out of you.

Speaker 50 Whereas a dog, especially a small dog, not only wants to love you and be part of your hurt, but will yell about it all the time.

Speaker 33 What kind of dog do you want?

Speaker 94 I want a cockspaniel or something around that size because one of the problems we couldn't bring the dog back was there's not enough space in our house.

Speaker 94 So why get a dog the same size because we couldn't bring the other one back? That makes no sense. It's the same size as the other dog.

Speaker 19 A cocker spaniel, no good.

Speaker 37 That's too small?

Speaker 60 Yeah, apparently.

Speaker 44 I don't think that those are yappy dogs.

Speaker 61 They don't yap and they're not that small.

Speaker 84 I hate to do any crux finding here, but I kind of feel like this is more about Asterix than it is about the size of the new dog.

Speaker 65 Go on, Jesse.

Speaker 26 Well, it seems like there was this foundational trauma that you abandoned your dog, a member of your family in a faraway nation,

Speaker 21 and now you're trying to replace that family member,

Speaker 23 and you're making up these weird rules about it.

Speaker 95 Asterix,

Speaker 95 first of all, did terrorize our cats, which was a bit of a problem.

Speaker 95 I do like

Speaker 95 stupid dogs, like a Labrador or a Golden Retriever that are nice and docile and friendly and don't terrorize my cats.

Speaker 21 Yeah, my dogs would for real eat your cats.

Speaker 35 And why don't

Speaker 6 if your dad is open to getting a new dog, a Labrador, that is like default dog.

Speaker 94 Because my mom doesn't want a Labrador. She thinks they're cheap.

Speaker 17 She's not here.

Speaker 67 What do you want to name this new dog?

Speaker 94 I have anything to do with gemstones, anything geeky, because we have this thing of geeky names throughout our animals.

Speaker 69 Give me some samples.

Speaker 44 Specificity is the soul of

Speaker 44 dog names.

Speaker 62 We have,

Speaker 94 I don't know, I like Luna, and I like.

Speaker 43 Like Luna Lovegood from that from the books.

Speaker 63 Yeah

Speaker 63 I like Coraline

Speaker 94 is he I like Coraline from like the movie Coraline.

Speaker 46 Yes, that's it starring John Hodgman. That's the one.

Speaker 47 Yeah

Speaker 24 my very famous movie Coraline

Speaker 94 There's a lot of anime ones because we have a cat named after him.

Speaker 39 No, I already told you it's Coraline.

Speaker 44 Yeah. So

Speaker 68 here's what I'm going to say.

Speaker 60 Before you take on a new dog, have you had a small dog before?

Speaker 94 No.

Speaker 18 Okay, do you have a situation in this country as we do in at least New York City and other parts of the country where you can foster dogs that are waiting to be adopted?

Speaker 94 Yeah, they're against that.

Speaker 4 Well, too bad for them.

Speaker 38 I want you to foster a small dog.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 35 And you can call that dog.

Speaker 60 That dog will come with a name and you have to keep that name.

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I want that dog to be fostered in your home for a period of time so you both learn the reality of what having a small dog means. Yeah.

Speaker 35 And don't kick it.

Speaker 43 And then if you end up loving that dog, you can adopt it and call it Coraline.

Speaker 19 Or if you realize, yeah, a small dog has certain disadvantages,

Speaker 3 and you're going to see how the cats are going to react to it.

Speaker 66 You're going to see how you react being yelled at all the time by this dog.

Speaker 10 And you decide to go with a slightly larger model,

Speaker 10 then that will be the solution for you, and you will name that dog Coraline.

Speaker 53 Yep.

Speaker 19 Is that acceptable?

Speaker 3 It doesn't matter to me if it is, but that's what I'm asking.

Speaker 80 That's fine.

Speaker 61 This is the sound of a gabble.

Speaker 58 Izzy and Dan.

Speaker 1 Thanks so much to the litigants for joining us on stage and sharing their cases with us. Thanks also to the staff at the London Podcast Festival.
Serafina Steer is now playing with the band Boss Yan.

Speaker 1 Their debut album is called Yes I Yan and comes out on Lost Map Records later this year. They have an EP available at basyan.bandcamp.com.
For more of her music, visit serafinasteer.com.

Speaker 1 This episode produced by Jennifer Marmer, she had help from Nick Liao. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 68 MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 91 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 94 Artist-owned.

Speaker 10 Listener-supported.