Live From Brooklyn , NY 2017

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

It's me, your Judge John Hodgman, here to tell you that this week's episode was recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn, where I live.

Now, this week our musical guest is Carsey Blanton.

Carcy is an amazing singer-songwriter.

She's so much fun.

Her performances were great.

But if you are listening with children, or if you are children, please be advised that there's some strong language in the musical segments.

Carsey and I also discussed the card game she invented called Bango, which is a little bit about hugging and kissing, and which she has launched on Kickstarter.

You'll hear more about it in the episode, but I want to let you know that since the recording, her project has been relaunched under a new name, The F-ing Truth.

It's not for kids.

So let's go to the stage for some Brooklyn justice.

Tonight's case, Statute of Imitations.

Stella brings the case against her friend Jordan.

They've started wearing matching outfits to certain parties and events.

Stella thinks they need to start limiting it to specific occasions.

Jordan disagrees.

She says it's always adorable and fun.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one man can decide.

Please, inside your minds, not literally, physically rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Judge John adores a minuet, the ballet ruse and crepesuzette.

But Jesse loves to rock and roll.

The hot talk makes him lose control.

What a wild duet.

Still, they're colleagues, identical colleagues, and you'll find

they laugh alike, they walk alike.

At times, they even talk alike.

You can lose your mind when court colleagues are too of a kind.

Bailiff Jesse Thornton, swear them in.

Stella Jordan, please raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

Yes, I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he refused to wear a matching outfit with me this evening?

Yes, I do.

I do.

Judge Hodgman, you mentioned.

I really wish that I were wearing a bailiff's outfit underneath these robes right now.

And I also wish I had to tear away justice robes.

Producer Jennifer Marmor put those things on the shopping list for the podcast.

Stella and Jordan, you may be seated.

For an immediate summary judgment and one of yours' favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom.

Stella, why don't you begin?

Wasn't that like the odd couple theme song?

I'll just write that down.

Wasn't that like the odd couple theme song?

I'll put that in the guest book.

It's a fair guess.

It could be right.

Jordan, would you like to make the same guess?

Is that Danny DeVito from the movie Twins?

Is it Danny DeVito

from the movie Twins?

Let me put that down in the guest book here.

Please note at home that I am mocking writing on this podium with my fingertips.

All guesses are wrong, I'm so glad to say, because you are both, what are your ages, if I may ask?

26.

26.

28.

28.

So you're both...

Certainly too young for the original airing of the show and even too young for when it was on Nick at night in the early 90s.

The Patty Duke Show, in which Patty Duke,

that's right, we do have some elderly people in the audience.

Patty Duke show starred child actor Patty Duke as herself and her identical cousin, a thing everyone knows about.

One of the great tropes of fiction.

Patty Duke 1 was born in Scotland, and Patty Duke 2 lived in Brooklyn Heights and loved rock and roll and hot dogs, which are not sandwiches.

So

we have to hear this case.

Now,

Judge Audrey, did you know, she guessed the

Odd Couple theme song?

You know how in the 1960s and 70s the creators of television shows would write lyrics to television?

Did you know that there are lyrics to the odd couple song?

I do know that, but I don't remember them, and I hope you do.

Everywhere they go, they are known as the Couple.

That's all I really remember.

That's going to get us taken down off of SoundCloud now.

Yeah.

Stella and Jordan, thank you for joining us.

Stella, you bring the case against Jordan

because you guys dress alike sometimes, but now Jordan is dressing like, well, matching your outfit more often than you would like.

And let the record show, for those of you listening at home, Stella and Jordan are both wearing gray jeans,

a sweater and black top, sort of matching black choker necklaces, and they're both drinking cans of Stella Artois

as if it couldn't get Stella enough up here.

May I ask, was this arrangement planned, Stella, or is this a case where Jordan is overstepping her bounds?

Yeah, we planned it.

Okay, good.

And how do you guys know each other?

We were talking online and then we met in person about a year ago at a party.

You were talking online, you didn't realize you were dressed exactly alike.

And so you became friends.

And how did this get started that you guys would dress alike from time to time?

Well, it basically started last Halloween when we wanted to dress as

Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

And so we dressed pretty similar outfits.

And then I thought that was totally appropriate.

That's Halloween.

You can totally do like a...

Wait, Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr?

Yeah.

From the hit musical 1776?

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, it was like the costumes from the show.

Right.

Not like anything historically accurate or anything.

Yes, Halloween is a dress-up time.

Yeah, so that's fine.

And then once in a while, we'd go to another party with a theme, and then that's okay too.

But then it started being like brunch.

When was the first time time that Jordan showed up dressed like you that you were like, uh, what's happening now?

Well, that's not exactly how it goes.

So

we are roommates right now.

So we'll like

see what the other one's wearing before we leave the house.

Jordan?

And it wasn't like she just copies me.

It's like she's like, hey, do you want to wear matching outfits?

So it's not like a sneaky.

It's not like she's waiting to see what you're wearing.

Right.

And then she runs back to her closet and it's like, all right, here we go.

Yeah, she always goes, hey, do you want to match this time?

Go ahead and say that, Jordan.

How do you propose this?

I try to do it delicately.

Yeah.

I mean, I think it would be really cute to be the only matching couple at whatever event we're at.

Right.

And then, Stella, do you ever say, no, thank you?

Yeah, often.

And then, Jordan, do you do it anyway?

No.

Is that true?

You are under fake oath?

No, it's totally true, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

So she honors your request to not dress the same from time to time.

You guys brought some evidence that I would like to review of you guys dressing the same way in, I would imagine, contextually appropriate situations.

Luckily, this incredible judge's bench is on wheels.

When this five-hour energy kicks in, I'm going to be Melissa McCarthying it all over the stage.

Could we see the first piece of evidence, please?

All right, here you guys are in matching mustard jeans, but not quite matching tops.

Stella, did you submit this evidence or was this Jordan's?

We both picked the evidence.

Okay, what was the situation here?

You're both giving giving a delightful thumbs-up sign saying, we're still friends and not enemies yet.

Nothing's gone wrong at this moment.

Do I interpret that correctly?

Well, this is an example of unacceptable matching.

Oh.

So even though it's thumbs up, it's really thumbs down.

Yes.

Why is this unacceptable?

First of all, because it doesn't match?

Well, no, I mean.

Because one shirt is horizontal stripes and the other one is vertical stripes?

They look more similar in person.

No, they don't.

Yeah, they do.

There's no way I don't know the difference between a vertical and a horizontal stripe.

But see, a lot of her stripes are vertical too.

See on the sleeves?

Yeah, no, I know.

It's mix and match, but

it's a weird kind of motley.

Vertical and, I mean, the whole thing looks like a test pattern on TV.

You're too young to know what that is.

Look, we're both a little confused on different medications right now.

But don't think that your dazzle camo has confused us to the point where we don't know the difference between vertical and horizontal.

Even though Jordan's shirt is about to give me a seizure, it doesn't mean that I don't know the difference

between one shirt and the other.

This may confuse Japanese torpedoes.

Why is this unacceptable matching, Stella?

Well, first of all, they're both my shirts.

Jordan, do you routinely pilfer Stella's shirts in order to matchy, matchy?

Most definitely.

All right, asked and answered.

Let's move on to the next picture.

Oh, so this is not exactly matching.

You guys are both wearing

clothes.

Shorts and boots and tops.

The shirts both say nope on them.

The shirts both say nope on them.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

I saw one that said nope and one that said op.

I just assumed that one said OPP.

And I was down with that.

I feel like the thing.

I don't.

I'm angry that that got applause.

I feel like the thing that ties these two outfits together is less that they're exactly the same and more that they would both be appropriate in an industrially themed nightclub in a 1990s action movie.

Yeah.

Maybe barbed wire?

Oh, I was just going to say that.

Let the record show that I wheeled my podium over to Jesse Thorne in anger.

So noted.

That was truly uncanny.

I was just about to say barbed wire.

What was the situation in this?

Was it a barbed wire theme party?

It was a combination comedy and pole dancing show.

Combination comedy and pole dancing.

What universe do you guys inhabit, young people?

Brooklyn.

Where do you?

Where do you live?

It was in Manhattan.

I forget exactly where.

It was in Manhattan because it was retro.

Remember how Manhattan used to be cool?

Let's go and pretend it's cool again.

Jordan, what do you do for a living?

I work at the Department of Education.

Fantastic.

What?

A very tepid woo.

I think maybe because they're like, you must be a teacher, or maybe you're the person who fires teachers.

What do you do at the Department of Ed?

I work in their operations, so we've budgeting.

Okay, very cool.

And Stella...

So you're the person who fires teachers.

I'm the teacher hunter.

What do you do for a living, Stella?

I'm a private investigator.

Tell me more.

I've been doing it for three years.

It's not like as glamorous as it sounds.

It's just like sitting in my car.

I do surveillance.

You do?

Sure, of course.

So I'm just kind of sitting in my car all day waiting for people to leave their house.

And then when you go...

It's a video camera, not a...

Yeah, but.

But.

Can you at least get an app to have it make that sound

so you can feel like a real private investigator?

You know,

a lot of law firms and courts employ private investigators.

Would you like to be the official PI of the Court of Judge John Hodgman?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, good.

Well, I find in your favor.

All these images are going to be available on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram and as well and on our website at maximumfund.org, the Judge John Hodgman page, if you want to check them out.

But how do you have these two different shirts that said nope, and who was the original nope, and who was the copy nope?

We were both at a store, store and I'd seen the black shirt that I'm wearing and I showed her how cool it is and then we noticed that there's another one.

It's like, what if we got both of them?

That would be so funny.

And was it so funny?

It was sort of funny, yeah.

All right.

Let's move on to the next piece of evidence.

All right.

Matching sweater sets here.

What's the situation here?

Again, two thumbs up, but I'm starting to interpret thumbs up as thumbs down and the passive aggressive thumb game that you guys are playing.

These are both my sweaters again.

And

we were seeing a taping of John Oliver of Last Week Tonight.

Sure, I've heard of him.

And you seized the opportunity to do some Paul McCartney album cover cosplay.

Like 70s, you know.

So Stella, at this point,

how long had this been going on in your relationship?

That was like a couple months ago.

So, I don't know, like

seven or eight months or something.

I will definitely say,

and the audience can check out these images themselves and decide for themselves.

But Jordan's thumbs-up smile here seems very genuine.

And Stella's thumbs up.

and smile is starting to feel a little bit worn down.

Would you say that that's accurate?

Yeah, well, I was embarrassed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whose idea was it to dress the same at the John Oliver taping?

It was more like

it was cold, so we brought two sweaters, and she was like, what if we brought both those sweaters?

And that's all.

It was sort of like.

So her idea.

It was her idea.

Gotcha.

Yeah, yeah.

Next piece of evidence, please.

Oh.

Here you are at the big show, Hamilton, dressed as Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

How much cosplay is there at Hamilton these days?

Because when I went to Hamilton, I dressed as Usnavi from in the Heights.

This was very humiliating.

This was not appropriate at all.

Whoa, keep talking.

Keep talking, gumshoe.

So these were our Halloween costumes, and it was a few months later, and we were like, and she was like, let's bring out the old costumes and go to the show.

Sure.

And I was like, that's how everyone went to see Hamilton.

Just on a whim.

Hey, I got this ruffled shirt lying around.

I guess I'll go see Hamilton today.

I'm going to put on the old ruffleroonie, get $1,700 in my pocket.

I fired some extra teachers this week, so I got some cash lying around.

So, what happened when you went into Hamilton all

dressed like this and dressed alike?

Well, people kept going, oh, are you guys in the show?

Because the show seems a lot lousier than I imagined.

Looking at you.

Did you guys jump on stage?

No, we didn't do that.

All right.

And next.

Oh, okay.

Here, Stella and Jordan

are replicating on the New York City subway a a photo shoot from Cosmopolitan Magazine

in which Judge John Hodgman, listener and friend of the show, Lin Manuel Miranda, and Leslie Odom Jr., who I don't know if you listen to podcasts at all, are hanging around the subway having fun, and you guys are doing the same poses.

It's very adorable.

So, all this seems great.

Very, very charming, very, very funny.

Lots of thumbs-ups.

Jordan, you enjoyed all this, correct?

Absolutely.

What do you get out of this dressing-up-alike thing?

I mean, we stand out.

True?

It's unusual to attempt to stand out by dressing exactly like another person.

I'll rephrase.

How does dressing like Stella

make you feel?

Like solidarity and validation, kind of a little bit?

Keep talking.

If people see me as a as a kind of a team as a joint unit with another person that I aspire to be more like physically and But visually then it's kind of a validation in my mind and and it feels like a self-created solidarity in my mind I will let let the record show that Stella touched her hand to her heart when you said aspire to

as though may I interpret that as being flattered?

Yes.

Yes.

So

why would you deny Jordan this validation of dressing exactly like you, single white female style?

I mean, that's why I'm so torn on this, and that's why there are so many pictures of me dressing like her, because I do think it's fun, and yeah, it's like a

a fun friendship thing to do, but it just also gets embarrassing, and we can be friends without looking goofy and silly, like at inappropriate times.

Well, you seem like a real goofball.

We look goofy when we're at a serious regular thing

just like twins.

Was there a specific event where you were like, hmm, this has gone too far.

I have to take this to a podcast?

Not really.

It kind of just snuck up on me.

And then there was a call for submissions, and I was like, let's finally deal with this.

We'll settle it.

Jordan, was there a time that was the ultimate best experience of being dressed alike in your mind?

Hamilton.

As you saw the eye, the glint in the eyes of those people who were there to watch the show,

you knew.

Was it the fact that you were stealing attention from the show itself that made you so excited?

Absolutely.

Is this disruptive when you're on a stakeout, stakeout, Stella?

Or can you use this to your advantage by faking out the people you're targeting?

They're like,

someone in that car is watching me and she's wearing vertical stripes.

Oh, wait a minute.

There's someone with horizontal stripes.

That must be the same person.

Now it's safe for me to leave with my mistress.

And then you're there, all vertical stripes.

You can see how this could be to your advantage as a public,

not public, a private investigator.

That couldn't be a private investigator.

It's obviously the double mint gum twins.

So,

have you ever gotten attention that you don't want because of this?

It's actually never been a problem like somebody made fun of us or anything like that.

I just feel kind of personally, quietly embarrassed.

But people usually think it's funny or they don't notice.

Is it more often the case that Jordan is dressing up in your clothes and sort of stealing your style?

Or

does she ever propose something for you to wear to match her?

Well, I have a lot of clothes.

And she has like less than half the clothes that I have.

So we're always, like, I have two of everything.

So

isn't it a little on you that you bought matching sweaters?

Yeah, I see.

Like, you know what?

I got to make a clothes arc.

I got to get two of every kind.

Just in case.

It's only natural given what a goofball I am.

So you have a lot of clothes.

Well,

you're laying a lot of blame on yourself here.

Well, no, I mean, so that's, I want to say we always wear my clothes, but it's not because of anything besides that I have twice as many clothes.

And Jordan, you say you aspire to

being and looking like Stella.

Can you tell me more about that?

That kind of has to do a lot with my transition and trying to validate myself in a public setting and how people, other people see me in these settings that we go to.

So

as you're transitioning,

Stella is providing you wardrobe and moral support and

guidance.

Is that do I interpret that correctly?

Or

by chance.

So not like deliberately.

Right.

Well, she's because she's leaving all her dumb clothes around.

But yes.

Okay.

Stella, how does that make you feel?

I think it's great.

I mean, I think we're really,

we're awesomely great friends, and our dynamic is super amazing.

But yeah, so I think that's great.

Do you see this as part of your transition?

This process of...

dressing the same as Stella for a period of time and then you're going to start developing your own style and you won't have to wear her clothes anymore.

I mean I feel like I've hijacked her style.

Yeah, no, that's true.

You're stealing her clothes and wearing them.

And anytime you guys go out, you're like, let's wear these two sweaters.

And frankly, given your crushed black crushed velvet shirts, choker necklaces, and cardigan sweaters, you've both pretty much stolen Winona Ryder's style in 1994.

It would be so exciting if Winona Ryder were here right now.

So you've been stealing her style.

I mean,

to paraphrase, you.

That is accurate, yes.

And

do you foresee a time when you're not going to be interested in doing that?

Is this part of the process or just a fun thing you're doing for now or what?

No, it's fun and

it's a way of kind of building my own style and adapting it and kind of making a conglomerate style process.

What would you say is the best style tip you've picked up from Stella so far?

Don't wear shirts that look like an optical illusion.

Yeah.

I learned that the hard way in the 90s when I was wearing a lot of magic eye t-shirts.

What is an optical illusion t-shirt?

You can't tell whether it's a vase or two faces.

Is it an old lady

or a young maid?

No, I was referring to the vertical and horizontal stripes.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

No, that was a terrible shirt.

Was that one of Stella's shirts?

Yes.

I think you should...

And you guys live together?

Yes.

I think you should disappear that one.

So, Stella, you've heard that you're a style icon to Jordan, and you've heard that this is part of her

transition.

You've heard that you are an aspirational figure to her, and you want to shut this all down.

No, no, not at all.

I mean, I'm really.

I have it written right here.

I'm happy to provide advice at any time.

But I mean,

that doesn't necessarily end up with us wearing the exact same outfit.

What would you have me order if I were defined in your favor?

Well, I'm not exactly sure, but basically, I would just kind of want you, because I'm conflicted too, because I don't really know when it's appropriate and when it's not.

And sometimes it feels totally appropriate and sometimes it feels very inappropriate.

But there's like, I would love if you could issue a ruling of like an easy way to figure out when it's weird or not.

I mean, from my perspective, a good place to start would be to ask yourself, am I in a Mentos commercial right now?

It would be very cis-white mansplaine of me to tell you guys when it is weird for you to dress one way or another.

I need you to tell me when it is weird for you.

Because that way I can then tell Jordan when it is weird for you.

So, non-weird, Halloween, we can agree, right?

Yeah, right.

Broadway shows.

I may save this for my verdict.

But tell me other times when you think it's weird.

Okay, the Broadway show was weird, but I was actually okay.

Like, I kind of had to.

It was just like too funny not to, I thought.

So, so that's exactly, that's another example.

Like, is that

too embarrassing and desperate for attention to do that?

Or is it just sort of like maybe I shouldn't be so self-conscious about how it looks to everybody else?

Can I explain something to you about musical theater?

It's sort of a desperate for attention free space.

It's really a world of people who are comfortable sitting within themselves.

Right, but not for the audience, though.

So you have a question mark around musical theater cosplay?

Yeah, plus my mom made that jacket, and I'm really proud of it.

And it's

a sweet, it's a sweet Hamilton jacket, yeah, for sure.

Okay, so

the weirdo question marks are Broadway shows, what other situations?

Brunch.

Brunch.

If we're just going out to a dinner or to a bar or to a comedy show.

Regular social outings.

Oh, yeah.

And then also working out.

Sometimes she wants to wear matching outfits to the gym.

I'll allow it.

Jordan,

what would you have me wear?

You're my style icon.

What would you have me wear?

Jordan, what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor?

Stella needs to

not feel like she needs to take herself so seriously and just enjoy life.

And not everybody is looking to judge you as whether or not you're a competent adult and

whether or not you're goofy or not.

Yeah, but Stella is a peace officer.

She's a public...

She's a divorce assistant, basically.

She's not gallivanting around over there at the DOE.

She's a private investigator.

She needs to be taking.

She's on spreadsheets.

That's you.

She's doing something important.

Breaking up homes.

She wears trench coats and a fedora for a reason.

She's got to look serious.

You're saying that Stella takes herself a little too seriously?

She's got to lighten up?

Yeah, I mean, you take yourself seriously, but it doesn't have to be all the time.

Like, there's a time to be serious,

and there's a time to cut loose or whatever.

Sure.

The most uptight expression of cut loose that I've ever seen in my life.

You could barely bring yourself to make air quotes around that one.

You know, cut loose.

Foot loose.

Maybe kick off shoes.

Do you think that Stella is a little uptight?

Takes herself a little too seriously?

Yeah, just slightly.

And do you think that dressing like her against her wishes helps her to come out of her shell?

Well, when you put it like that, yes.

So you would have me order no restrictions upon dressing up and matching outfits?

I mean,

yeah.

Well, no, like, I just feel like she just needs to take it down a notch.

Take what down a notch?

Her up being uptight.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uptight, come down.

Got it.

Okay.

I'm so not uptight.

Prove it.

We went to a unicycle festival over the weekend.

You proved it.

What did you wear?

We wore matching outfits.

Of course, you wore matching outfits.

What were the outfits that you wore at One Wheel Fest?

They were like really colorful leggings and really like really bright colors.

Yeah.

And tank tops.

Are you

a unicyclist?

Yes.

I see.

I just feel like I already went to UC Santa Cruz for four years.

And I don't know why in my professional life I have to be exposed to this.

Do you perform stakeouts on your unicycle?

I think that would be kind of conspicuous.

I think it would be.

It depends on which neighborhood of Brooklyn you're in.

What else is going on?

You mess with the devil sticks?

Like juggling and like tightrope kind of things.

Yes.

Yeah.

Carnival acts?

I've never done an act, but I just kind of practice.

Carnival arts.

Slack line?

Slack line, yeah.

Yeah, sure, of course.

Trapezing?

Yeah, I've done that.

I've done parkour.

Oh.

And

gymnastics and stuff like that.

Do you mind if I dress like you?

Not at all.

Because you're the most incredible, interesting person I've ever met in my life.

Stella, last name unknown, parkour unicycle PI.

Jordan, how dare you say that Stella is uptight?

Do you ride a unicycle?

Yes, I learned that weekend.

Oh, it takes more than a weekend, my friend.

Do you parkour?

No, she picked it up really fast.

She learned it in the weekend.

It's not about picking it up, it's about riding on top of it.

Yes, I also parkour.

You also parkour?

Do you guys parkour together?

Yes.

In matching parkour suits?

Yes.

I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go to my chambers and think this over.

I'll be back in a moment.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Jordan, if you could pick one dream matching outfit for the two of you to wear, what would it be?

It would be Alexander and Hamilton for the rest of our lives.

Stella, how do you feel about your chances?

I have no idea.

I mean, I think actually

I might lose

because he seemed pretty charmed by that.

So I don't know.

Jordan, how do you feel?

I feel the same way because I feel like he was very charmed with the the PI and the Unicycle from her.

So what's the craziest s you ever took a video of?

I haven't seen anything really crazy.

People have boring lives, basically.

The funniest one, the one that I come back to, is this.

I shouldn't talk about this, but.

It's okay.

No one will hear it.

No one.

Just this one lady left her house with her big golden retriever dog in the middle of the winter, and then

she was on like disability, so she said she couldn't really walk or anything.

And then she went into this field covered in snow and just rolled around with the dog and threw snowballs at it.

And it was like so cute.

And they just had a whole

wrestling match.

That sounds really cute.

It was great.

Oh, this is so adorable.

I'm looking forward to ruining this woman's life.

Do private investigators get really stoked to watch, or do they get really mad while they watch the show Veronica Mars?

I've seen a little of it, but I don't know.

I couldn't tell you.

Stop doing parkour and start watching Veronica Mars.

Get your priorities straight.

We'll see what the judge has to say about all of this.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

I really wish that I had stowed a crushed velvet top, sweater.

I am wearing gray jeans and a choker right now because I want to dress like both of you so bad.

You're both so admirable and terrific.

And Stella, in particular, I can appreciate as a unicycling private investigator, parkour artist,

and general kick-ass human being why Jordan would want to emulate you.

And Jordan, you are equally worthy of emulation because you're You're a smart, capable person working for the Department of Education, going through a big change in your life, and I completely appreciate why Stella, as a wardrobeian role model and

personal role model, makes you want to wear the same clothes as her, especially if they're her clothes.

The elements of

moving into her apartment and taking her clothes and wearing them and looking exactly like her have creepy overtones, to be sure.

This is obviously the plot of many movies and TV shows.

And something that I think that you need to be alert to as you continue developing a sense of feminine style of your own.

I think that it's adorable that you guys dress up.

in the same way from time to time.

And even it seems that Stella gets pleasure out of it in certain contexts.

And I think there are certain contexts where dressing alike is absolutely appropriate.

Halloween, perfect context.

This Halloween, you're going as the twins from the shining.

That's locked in.

And I will come play with you forever.

Broadway shows don't dress up as the characters.

They're doing that for a reason.

They're already embarrassed enough to be dressed up in a funny way on stage.

You don't need to be drawing attention from the stage for that.

Brunch,

here we get into a gray area.

Arguably, you shouldn't be going to brunch at all.

Brunch is a vestige of a childless life that I barely remember.

But deeply resent.

Arguably, if you feel like the need to line up for a long time for cold bad food in the middle of a weekend day, that's your choice.

But I do think that this gets into an area where it is time now, I think, Jordan, for you to be developing your own sense of style, your own clothes, and moving forward into your own

coolness.

I'm glad that you were able to...

Did you do parkour before you met Stella?

No.

Right.

Did you do Unicycle before you met Stella?

No.

Yeah.

So it's not just clothes.

You have to be your own woman.

And so what I'm going to say is Halloween, we've already established that.

Other dress-up times?

Once a month.

Once a month, you guys go to brunch dressed exactly alike.

And I mean, exactly alike.

I don't want to see any of this.

I don't want to see any of this vertical stripes and horizontal stripes.

I want it to be completely matching, completely head to toe.

I want you guys to go out and get yourselves a brunch outfit that is perfectly matched.

And I want you to go there and eat your terrible Hollandaise sauce

and feel the eyes of the world upon you as they realize those two women are dressed exactly alike.

Scientists call these outfits the fulmentos.

And through that aversion therapy, we'll call it,

that might perhaps inspire you, perhaps with Stella's guidance, to go out shopping for your own clothes that you like and your own thing that's going on.

The affection that you guys have for each other is truly moving and wonderful.

I wouldn't want to shut this down completely, indeed.

I'm just pushing it into the entire, the extreme.

Completely identical brunch outfits once a month.

And other than that, feel free to ask Stella to borrow her clothes, but I would tone down the let's do the exact same thing again today sort of thing.

Because

as roommates and as friends, you also need to have separate lives.

This is the sound of a gabble.

Judge Sean Hodgkin rules: that is all.

Ladies and gentlemen, Stella and Jordan.

Our thanks to Amy Gerzabinski for naming that case.

Stella and Jordan, thanks for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgin podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

John, have you been eating off your Made In

plates and bowls lately?

Are you talking about my world-famous entree bowls?

Yeah, I'm talking about entree bowls.

But you know what?

It's okay to put a more voluminous

appetizer into those bowls.

I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you what.

I've got made in regular plates.

I've got made in salad plates.

I've got made in regular bowls.

And then I got these entree bowls.

And you know, I got the entree bowls.

I specifically asked for them for the holidays, where my wife was a whole human being in her own right because.

Our children grew up and moved away.

And that means all we do is eat dinner in front of the television.

And if you're sitting on a couch, there's no better better way to eat your meal than out of an entree bowl.

It's like a big dinner plate, but it's curved on the sides.

So you have some protection.

It's the ultimate eating festival, particularly in soup season.

And for all of that, it also looks really good.

Like all the made-in cookware, tableware, glassware.

It's made to look good and it's made to work good for both the pros, like Tom Calico and Brooke Williamson and all the other professional chefs who use it in their professional kitchens and for home cooks like me like jesse like jennifer and all of you and of course it's sold online and delivered to your door so you get the premium stuff at a shockingly reasonable price i said it before and i'll say it again i will never go to another kitchen retailer for any piece of equipment, be it knives, tableware, glassware, cookware, everything that I've ever touched from Made In.

Not only does it work great, but I want to touch it again and again.

For full details, visit madeincookwear.com.

That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Now, Jesse Thorne, did you see me a couple of weeks ago on

Have I Got News for You on CNN with Roy Wood Jr., Amber Ruffin, Akila Hughes, and Michael Ian Black?

Oh, that was a murderous row.

Of course I watched that.

I love topical humor.

I was on that show, and you know, the first thing that happened when

I got on set was people said to me, what a great outfit.

And you know how I knew they were buying?

Because I was wearing Quince.

I was wearing my brand new, most beloved wide whale royal blue denim style jacket, denim, like a denim jacket cut, but it was made out of this soft wide whale corduroy.

I love it so much.

And that's not to mention the 100% record I have getting compliments.

on my cotton PK over shirts.

That's not to mention that I just got a notification on my phone that the pants that I ordered from Quince are on their way.

Yes, I'm going head to toe Quince.

You know why?

Because I like getting compliments and I get compliments every time I wear their wonderful clothes, especially now that it's getting a little chillier outside.

These are warm, wonderful, soft, and yet sharp and snazzy clothes that I can wear in the fall and then later in the winter.

Then later I'll do something for the spring.

Quince delivers every time with wardrobe staples that are designed to carry you from this end every season.

And the best part is that by working working with top artisans and cutting out the middleman, Quince gives you this luxury clothing experience at about half the cost of similar brands.

And I'm not just hearing this from my own dunn head.

My wife is a whole human being in her own right shops at Quince now.

Our daughter does, and it's a great way.

I'm going to get

a bunch of clothes for our son for the holidays, and maybe you should too.

Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look.

Go to quince.com/slash JJHO for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada as well that's quince.com slash jjho free shipping 365 day returns quince.com slash jjho

judge hodgman do you feel like this is an appropriate time for a musical interlude yes i believe this is exactly the scheduled time for a musical interlude we have a wonderful singer-songwriter here for you tonight.

She has a new album out called So Ferocious.

She's toured with Paul Simon.

She's performed on this stage with me before.

If you haven't seen her, you're going to really enjoy seeing her right now.

Her name is Carcy Blanton, and she's going to sing for you at this very moment.

Carcy Blanton to the stage, please.

Hey, Carcy, I'm going to cover for you for a minute while you get your guitar up.

Yeah, no problem.

Are you ready to rock the house?

I'm so ready to rock the house.

I'm pumped.

Yeah, you guys, pumped?

Ladies and gentlemen, stay pumped.

Oh, wait, she's tuning.

Don't pump yet.

Don't pump.

Just work up to being pumped in the next like 10 seconds.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, bing, bing, ding.

Perfect.

Ladies and gentlemen, Carcy Blanton.

Oh my goodness gracious, it's so lovely to see all of your smiling faces here tonight.

I'm gonna tell you a little bit about myself right here in this song.

It's called Vim and Vigor.

I know I got a dirty mind.

It's in the gutter all the time

I don't believe that it's a crime I consider it a service

This ain't 1954

It ain't a man's world anymore

So what you wanna tame me for?

Do I make you nervous?

I roll up by Vim and Vigor Chomping at the bit got my finger on the trigger I'm pitching a fit All lip sticking in the girder.

Like, baby, do you dare me?

Cause you streak like a drunken doxie.

I don't give a fuck if you find me foxy.

Do what I want to, cause I got Moxie.

And you don't scare me.

You don't scare me.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Uh-uh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh, uh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, uh-huh, uh.

I know I got a lot of nerve

I ought to get what I deserve

Half a dozen men to serve me It stands to reason

A couple of them feed me sweets

A couple more to rub my feet

And one or two between my sheets If I find it pleasing, I roll up by venom and vigor.

Chopping it a bit with my finger on the trigger.

I'm catching a fit, all lips sticking in the gut.

Like, baby, do you dare me?

Cause blue street like a drunken doxy.

I don't give a fuck if you find it foxy.

Do what I like to, cause I got foxy.

And you don't scare me.

You don't scare me

Well, I wake up every morning with something to say

I got music to play

And lots of good loving I'll be And you wake up every morning just hating on me

Well, ain't it easy to see

Who it feels better

to be

Na na na na na na na

I roll up I van and digger chopping it a bit with my finger on the trigger I'm pitching

our lips sticking in the gut

Like baby, do you dare me cuss a boost

like a drunken doxy Don't give a fuck if you find it boxy I do what I want to, I got Moxie

And you don't scare me.

No, you don't scare me.

You don't scare me.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

RC Blanton, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, I'm Amber Nash, the voice of Pam Poovy on the groundbreaking FX animated comedy Archer.

Remember Archer?

I sure don't.

That's why I started Rephrasing an Archer rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org.

Join me and a bevy of special guests as we discuss every episode of Archer starting from the very beginning.

Archer executive producer Casey Willis and editor Christian Danley will provide insight and fun and help me remember everything I've forgotten about Archer, which is a lot.

So, join me on rephrasing an Archer rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org because I can't wait to watch Archer again for the very first time.

The Wizards answer eight by eight.

The Cornclave's call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell.

They number 64

until

a conflagration

63

and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die,

till one remains to reign on high.

Join us for Taz Royale, an oops all-wizards battle royale season of the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Judge Hodgman.

Yes.

I have a question for you.

Ask.

Well, we've discussed the show.

We've only dispensed justice to two people.

Yeah, that seems fine.

Let's go home.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh.

First of all, my Coca-Cola is kicking in.

You'll see a lot of foot tapping from here on out.

Second of all, I think we could use the balance of the program to deliver a lot of justice to Brooklyn.

A lot of justice in a short amount of time?

Yeah, like swift justice.

All right.

Let's do three cases in just 12 minutes.

All righty?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Glenn and Stephanie.

Oh my goodness.

Hello.

Well, maybe I need to recuse myself because this is Glenn Tickle, the famous comedian.

Hi, friends.

And his beautiful wife, Stephanie, whom I've met both of you before.

I did not know that you had marital dysfunction and are about to get divorced over some issue in your lives.

What is happening?

Not you, Glenn.

Stephanie.

Okay, so our refrigerator, he does not.

Is it running?

That's basically the argument.

Is it running?

Does it function?

Is it running?

Is it running?

Is it running, ma'am?

The refrigerator is running.

Great.

Then your food must be cold.

It is.

I feel flipperoo.

Okay, what's the issue, Stephen?

Okay, however,

the auxiliary functions of it, the ice maker and the

water dispenser, in my opinion, are having an issue.

The overflow, when the water is turned on drips a lot to the point that I'm worried it's going to actually overflow the pan and hit the floor.

And in

maybe starting about four years ago, every time I changed the filter, it would just like water would pour out of it.

I'd have to prep by putting tables.

Wait, these things have filters?

Yeah.

This has never happened when I have changed the filter, by the way.

How often do you change the filter?

About as frequently as you do.

We do it once every six months.

It's not like you do it every week.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Shh.

Be quiet, both of you.

You're talking about a refrigerator that has an ice maker and a water dispenser in it.

Yes.

And there's a filter you're supposed to change?

Yeah.

Every time the light turns red.

Just a quick question to test if you know.

Where is this filter?

Where does one find it?

Just to see if you know.

I know the answer.

Another question.

If you don't change the filter, say, in 10 years,

do you get tonsillitis?

Sure.

That's probably what did it.

All right.

So Stephanie has some, there's a vague problem with the potential of leaking.

Right.

Glenn, what's your dispute?

My lovely wife is convinced the refrigerator is going to leak because she heard dripping underneath the refrigerator, but that is a feature, not a bug.

The automatic defrost function of modern refrigerators does that on purpose.

There's a pan to catch the water, and the heat and motion from the fans under the refrigerator evaporate it.

Okay, this isn't how stuffworks.com.

Well, I have

the San Francisco Gate to back me up.

This is an explanation of how they work.

That's what she heard.

She was convinced the refrigerator was leaking.

She turned the water off in the refrigerator.

Let the record show that Glenn Tickle has handed me a piece of paper titled Defrosting Journey.

I did not title it.

That is from the SF Gate article about this.

Your refrigerator has a defrosting hose that leads to a drain pan under the unit during the defrosting journey.

What?

I don't know what any of this means.

What is it you let me?

This is Swift.

What do you mean?

I want the water turned on to the refrigerator so I can get cold water and more ice because we have ice trays, but she does not fill them.

I am willing to fill them.

I will take silver spots.

You have turned off the water because you're afraid it's going to flood.

You want the water back on.

What does it mean to you to have the water back on?

It gets frustrating when I have to get ice from a tray and not from the door because I know it's not broken.

So I'm just giving into.

Did you grow up with ice from the door?

No, and I didn't.

And a friend of mine did, and he rubbed it in my face.

His name's Alan Yeaver.

And so we had one, and I I was excited.

And now we still have one, but I can't use it.

Let me tell you something right now, Glenn Tickle.

I did not grow up with ice in the door.

Then I got an apartment where they had ice in the door.

It's the greatest luxury of all time.

See?

I am agnostic, but it is a gift from Dred Cthulhu

that I would not live without again in my life.

So I don't care what it takes.

You are going to have ice in that door.

I'm sorry, Stephanie.

I find in Glenn's favor.

Glenn and Stephanie, please welcome to the stage, Morgan and Ben.

Morgan and Ben.

Oh, I know you guys.

Morgan,

you want Ben to make up a bedtime story for you.

Yes.

Now, do you know how I know that?

No.

Because I hired a PI.

I think I know her.

No, I know this because you wrote in and I actually have resolved this dispute.

You don't know the resolution yet, but I resolved it for the Judge John Hodgman Column Net in the New York Times magazine, yet to be published.

I have rendered my verdict in my head and on paper already, but you don't know what I've ruled, and it is up to you to change, one of you, to change my mind.

Can't wait.

So, Morgan.

You claim that Ben is a very fine fiction writer.

He's really talented.

He writes weekly.

He writes short fiction.

His brain is bubbling with stories.

Let the record show that Ben is staring at the ceiling in great frustration now and embarrassment.

That's how he looks when he's flattered.

Yeah, is that your flattered look, Ben?

You got it.

Ben,

do you write beautiful short stories?

I'm not going to say that out loud.

You have to self-promote these days if you're going to be a millionaire short story writer.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Working on it, I guess.

I don't know.

And Morgan asks you to make up a story for her at bedtime.

Yes.

And

Morgan, why do you put your husband through this?

Well, some nights I can't fall asleep.

Your brain is buzzing with work and everything that happened.

You don't want to turn on the light to read or look at your cell phone.

Right.

So I would like a nice story to help me unwind.

Yeah, but Ben is also unwinding.

He's got a brain too.

Yeah, but he can help me fall asleep.

It works for children all the time.

Judge Hodgman, do you think we're going to have to conduct some kind of empathy seminar out here?

Ma'am, are you a psychopath at all?

Do you recognize that he is a separate human being who also needs to unwind at the end of the day?

Oh, sure.

But

I will say, in her defense, I sleep the untroubled sleep of a

mediocre middle-class white man

and she is a

that is a deep and peaceful sleep.

It's the best.

It's the best.

It's so easy.

Don't worry honey.

Things seem scary but it's probably fine for me.

Man, it's awesome.

It's pretty awesome.

So you don't have any trouble falling asleep.

No, and she is a teacher.

Right.

She does struggle with sleep issues.

What kind of teaching do you do?

I teach biology to high school learners.

You teach biology, so

very, very nice.

We'll see if Jordan fires you before the night's over.

I'm really good at my job.

And you don't ask her to dissect a frog for you before you go to bed, do you?

I do not.

Right.

I do not.

And do you write beautiful epiphanic short stories for a living?

Nope.

Oh.

what do you do for a living?

I am a data analyst for a social media company.

Oh, and would you...

You could have just said white guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I know brevity is the soul of

narrative?

Specificity is the soul of narrative.

There it is.

I wrote that.

And you know what?

I didn't get paid for writing that.

But it was still work.

Creativity Creativity is labor, no matter what, even if you're not paid for it.

You said, well, telling a story to children works for them.

Yeah, but parents hate doing that.

Do you have children?

No.

Oh, you'll learn soon enough.

Do you know why there are children's books?

So parents don't have to make up stories.

Just because Ben does it for free and on his own time as a hobby doesn't mean it's easy for him to tell a story?

He deserves to wind down too.

So get a book and read a book to her.

Do you know that their books exist?

Yes, and that is one of the things I have requested when he is reading a book and I'm trying to fall asleep and the light's already on, so we're already arguing about that.

I'm like, can you at least just read me one page?

But, but a lot of times I'm say on chapter eight

of a book that I'm...

I don't want to

just jump into the middle.

I'm not sure what small complaints you guys have with each other now.

Because I just got this huge array

of the lights on too much, but I'm in the middle of what the, but the, but

just

read a short story to her before bed.

Is that a problem?

That would be excellent.

Do you want him to make up a story?

Because you don't care what you listen to as long as the light's off and he doesn't have to have the light on in order to make up a story?

That would be perfect.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop it.

But

I'm saying, I'm willing to bend a little bit.

Because, like, I've already asked for a story with the light on, like the dim reading light.

I would be willing to bend for a story read to me as I cover my head with a pillow or something to block the light.

Who's your favorite author of short stories?

Ray Bradbury.

I like him.

I like the way this is going.

Objection, pandering.

Here's what you're going to do.

You're going to get an electronic book version of some Ray Bradbury stories.

You're going to turn it on very dimly on your phone or your tablet.

And you're going to read her.

She's going to be asleep in like 200 words, dude.

It's true.

Just read her a little bit.

And don't ask him to make up a story on command because that's like telling a comedian, hey, see something funny.

It's terrible.

That's a terrible thing to do.

Do you understand?

I understand.

Stop being terrible.

Start being good.

That's my order.

Morgan and Ben, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mitch and Joan.

Mitch.

What could be a gentler lullaby than short stories by Ray Bradbury?

Yeah, that's right.

I want to listen to them Martian Chronicles before I go to bed.

Mitch and Joan, how do you do?

Funny, dude.

I'm in terrible pain, but thank you very much for asking.

Who brings the case against the other?

I'd bring it.

Joan, what is your beef with Mitch?

So Mitchell and I live in a house that he purchased before we met.

It's in a part of Brooklyn that's not quite as cool as the part of Brooklyn you live in.

Thank you very much.

And neither of us like this part of Brooklyn.

Neither of you like this part of Brooklyn.

Right.

And neither of you are going to name it for me right now?

Marine Park.

Marine Park.

Marine Park.

I don't know anything about it.

Exactly.

What's the story?

So,

it has no cultural advantages.

It has no good restaurants.

No place to get organic.

Oh!

What was that?

Someone in the audience is standing up for Marine Park.

Wait, wait, wait.

What was it?

Who?

Raise your hand if you.

And do you know Mitch Joan?

No, William.

Come up here, please, right away.

Ma'am, please come here.

Please come to the stage.

Please come to the stage.

For the benefit of the at-home listener, I'm pretty sure this is Terry Gross.

So as our advocate for Marine Park takes the stage, let me clarify.

Your dispute is not with the neighborhood of Marine Park, but with each other.

Ma'am, please come around here and

you can be at this microphone.

What's your name, ma'am?

Sandy.

Hi, Sandy.

She said Hurricane Sandy.

That's dope.

Hurricane Sandy, ladies and gentlemen.

Sandy, before we go to your expert testimony,

if I understand the affidavit that was made available to me, Mitchell complains about Maureen Park constantly.

And obviously you do not dispute this.

And you would like him to stop complaining

and just swallow all of his feelings inside.

Well, I would like him to stop complaining, come to some sort of peace with the decision that he made 20 years ago to purchase this house and help me fix it up to make it an oasis of tranquility in the desert of southeastern Canada.

And by...

By fixing it up, you mean you're going to install some nice restaurants and night spots in the basements?

No, just some walls in the backyard and fix up the interior so it's beautiful.

I've got some bad news for the desert.

The hurricanes are coming.

Hang on, Sandy.

Mitchell.

Yes.

You know what?

I'm not going to ask you to complain about Marine Park.

Yes.

Joan,

do your best version of Mitch complaining about about Marine Park.

Oh, I would prefer not.

I would prefer you did.

So ordered.

You don't have to do a vocal imitation.

Just what will he say?

Okay, well keep in mind I don't have the Brooklyn accent.

No.

Are you from Brooklyn?

Yes.

Actually, I grew up not far from Marine Park in Mill Basin where somebody was just fished out of the water with cement on his feet.

Yeah.

You know why?

Because he picked a fight with Staten Island.

All right, you know what?

I want to hear more of Mitchell's fantastic Brooklyn accent.

I want you to look in the eyes of Sandy.

Okay, all right.

And I want you, and excuse me, this is normally a family-friendly podcast, but we're here in New York.

I want you to talk some about Marine Park.

All right, and that's, I could do it for days.

I could do it for days.

Yeah, well, well, we only have two more minutes.

Okay, all right.

And here, go right into this microphone.

I want everyone to.

So I'll put it this way, Judge, in your forthcoming book, Vacation Land, you talk about how in Marine Park.

Thank you very much.

Vacation Land, available October 24th,

2017.

In Vacation Land, you talk about how in Park Slope, people would climb over bodies of runover bodies to get the moral high ground.

In Marine Park, they would climb over the runover bodies to jump into the depths of human degradation.

It's a neighborhood.

It's a neighborhood.

Keep going, keep going.

It's a neighborhood where nobody parks.

Everybody double parks.

It's a neighborhood where steering wheels are adjuncts of the horn.

It's wait, wait, wait.

Or, to sum up the neighborhood,

To sum up the neighborhood,

this is Brooklyn.

Remember, this is Brooklyn.

This is the Brooklyn that you were talking about.

Six miles from here, we found written on a lamp post today, Democrats lie, liberal left-wing party, so I can't read my hair right, hate, intolerance, and violence.

Yeah.

It's a neighborhood that voted 70%.

You're saying Marine Park is as bad as Twitter.

Right.

It's a neighborhood that voted.

It's Brooklyn.

And it's a neighborhood that voted 70% for Trump.

However, however.

Yeah, but you think this didn't happen in Brooklyn?

Oh, I grew up in.

New York is still.

You know, you know where you bought your house.

Well, I did.

And by the way, how'd you know all that stuff from my book, Vacation Land?

Because it's not even been published yet.

Seems to me like Marine Park is full of literature thieves.

Time travelers.

I went to October 24th.

What?

I jumped ahead to October 24th, and I read

time traveler, Your Honor.

It's called time travel.

Madness has encroached upon our courtroom.

All right.

I think I heard enough from

the doctor who of Brooklyn.

That Joan, who's beautiful and sweet, is not a native-born New Yorker, so she doesn't understand that it's a God-given right as a New Yorker to complain.

And that

she thinks that I'm unhappy.

Sandy's in.

Let the record show that Hurricane Sandy is smiling.

And that it's only when I'm, as a true New Yorker, it's only when I'm complaining that I'm happy.

And it's the way we survive.

Joan is from St.

Louis.

She's sweet, she's kind, she's beautiful.

She doesn't get it.

She's the gateway to the West.

Sandy,

what can you tell us about Marine Park?

Well, it's near Coney Island.

It's Marine Park where you can jog and beautiful park, lovely neighborhood.

And do you think that Mitchell's contempt for Marine Park is acceptable or unacceptable?

I know a lot of people would love to live there.

Yeah.

Where did you grow up?

Bensonhurst.

And so why did you feel the need to defend Marine Park from this man?

I just feel that

there's no reason to put it down.

I don't like to complain all the time.

You don't like to complain all the time?

Right.

But will you defend to the death his right to complain all the time?

Yes, definitely.

All right.

Thank you very much, Hurricane Sandy.

Hurricane Sandy.

Let me say this.

Two New Yorkers have spoken.

I am not a New Yorker.

Joan, you're from the show-me state.

You're a California ann.

True.

I have to defer to the New Yorker on this.

The right to complain is inviolable.

But I would go further.

You may complain, but you have to get out into your neighborhood and know your neighbors.

We need more people like you in red places voting, dude.

You are...

You are the point of the spear of outreach.

You got to turn some votes over there.

You got to get with your people out there.

You bought that house there 20 years ago.

Own up to your responsibility.

Show them that we're not all contemptuous elites

who talk behind their backs in bars in Gowanus.

Sorry, Joan.

John and Mitchell Space.

Hurricane Sandy.

Woo!

Thank you very much.

John, you want some more music?

What?

You want to do some more music?

Yeah, I want to do some more music.

I don't want to do any music.

Let's get a professional musician to do it.

Good thinking.

Carcy Blanton to the stage, please.

Carcy Blanton.

Now look, Carcy.

John.

I've mentioned...

Your latest long-playing record, So Ferocious.

You did, and I appreciated that.

And you probably have a website.

I'm going to guess it's carcyblanton.com.

That's amazing.

I know.

That is really impressive.

I was prepared.

I had things written down.

You also have a game that

you have invented.

Yes, I have a game.

You know, you mentioned you would have a checkbox about whether you're the practical one or you have a scheme.

Is that us?

The reasonable one or the one with the scheme?

Okay, I'm definitely the one with the scheme.

Oh.

100% of the time.

The schemers do not tend to fare well in my court.

Well, luckily, I don't have a case before you today.

That's true.

I'm here to tell you about my scheme, folks.

My latest scheme is a card game.

Can I say the name?

Yes.

Yes.

It's a card game called Bango, okay?

And it's similar to two other games you may have heard of.

One is Bingo.

Are you familiar with the game Bingo?

Yes.

And the other is Never Have I Ever?

Okay.

But this game, it features questions, and all the questions are about hugging and kissing.

Yeah.

Right?

Special friends, hugging and kissing.

Special friends hugging and kissing.

So if we were playing this game,

hypothetically, I might draw a card and I might say something like,

have you ever hugged more than one person in a 24-hour period?

It doesn't say hugged.

And then theoretically, if we were playing this game, you would have a bango board with numbers on it, and there'd be a number that you could cross off if your answer was yes.

So that's how the game works, right?

I have played this game in a bar, and it was fantastically humiliating

and exciting.

And he had no warning.

This wasn't like, let me show you my game.

It was like, I played on this stage at the show, and hey, you want to have a drink?

And we all went out, and then I was like, okay, everyone, bam.

This is happening.

Bango is its name-o.

Bango was its name-o.

B-A-N-G-O.

And so you have a Kickstarter to raise money to produce this game commercially?

Yes.

And you can go to the Kickstarter now to support it by going to playbango.com.

There you go.

So it's a really fun game, and I hope you guys will check out the Kickstarter and support it if you're interested.

And then we'll...

I hope that even more than he does.

For obvious reasons.

But now you're going to sing a song.

I was hoping that too.

Gosh, we're so on the same page today.

Love

Yeah,

you know, I thought on the theme of hugging and kissing, there's actually also a lot of questions in this bango game about the self-hug.

Are you familiar with that?

When you hug yourself, you don't need another person.

We're all about self-care here.

Yes.

I thought it'd be fun to play a song about that.

What do you think?

Ladies and gentlemen, Carcy Bland.

Oh, this song also mentions a lot of important local landmarks.

Take a good long drive down the NJ Pike, thinking why you gotta be the type of boy I like.

Why you act so dumb with all the books you read?

Got a body like that, and you're living in your head.

I make a quick pit stop at the Molly Pitcher.

You say you got a girl, but I don't see a witcher.

You say you want a drink, but I want something stiffer.

You say I ought to keep it clean.

I ain't a swiffer.

I like your shirt.

I like your jacket.

I like to think about you when I whack it.

It doesn't hurt.

There's nothing to it.

Call me when you had enough of thinking, honey.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

When we met last week in the elevator, said I gotta feed a meter, but I'm gonna see you later.

In the bar, you were chewing on a swizzlestick.

I said, You look so good, you're about to make me sick.

So, we tried to take a walk, but it was too much.

You only want to talk, you know, I'm gonna want to touch.

We tried to have a chat, but it was too scary.

You're just a Democrat, I'm a revolutionary.

Like your shirt.

I like your jacket.

Like to think about you when I whack it.

Doesn't hurt.

There's nothing to it.

Call me when you had enough of thinking, honey.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

I'm gonna do it to you.

Thank you.

It's me again, Judge John Hodgman.

Carcy Blanton's game is now called The F-ing Truth.

You can pre-order it at www.theffingtruth.com.

That's thef-i-n-g-truth.com, or by running a search on Kickstarter.

She's also touring California and the Pacific Northwest this October.

For tour dates and more info, visit carcyblanton.com, C-A-R-S-I-E-B-L-A-N-T-O-N.com.

I cannot recommend her work more highly.

Thank you so much to the litigants for joining us on stage and sharing their cases with us.

And thanks also, and always, to the staff of the Bell House, my home away from home.

This episode was recorded by Benjamin Frisch, produced by Jennifer Marmer, and of course, my bailiff is Jesse Thorne.

That's all.

Until next time, I am Judge John Hodgman, and this has been the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned.

Listener-supported.