Burden of Pooch

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm summertime, fun-time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, filling in for Jesse Thorne.

This week, Burden of Pooch.

Kate brings the case against her husband, Rob.

Rob has his heart set on getting an old English sheepdog, and now they have one.

And Kate says she's doing the majority of the dog care.

She wants her man to spend more time with man's best friend and take on more dog-related responsibilities.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Who's a good boy?

You're a good boy.

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hoshman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Stop that, Cambyses.

Don't stare like that.

Heaving a sigh, he fell back in his seat.

Strange, he observed.

Strange how a dog like that sometimes has a look that is quite human, as as if he wanted to say something.

I don't mean to be rude, summertime fun-time guest Bailiff Monty Belmonte, but just then, Cambysius looked more intelligent than you do.

Monty, swear them in.

Kate, Rob, please rise.

Raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth?

The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, dog, Fred McMurray, Tim Allen, or whomever will play the shaggy dog in the next reboot?

Sure.

Yes.

Yes.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he notoriously dispenses rough justice?

Yes.

Yes.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Thank you very much.

Kate and Rob, you may be seated.

That, of course, the sound of the puns indicates the arrival of Fun Time, Summertime Gesbale of Monty Belmonte.

Coming to us from WRSI, the River, in Northampton, Massachusetts, my home Commonwealth.

And I, of course, am spending the summer here in my, uh, one of my several adopted hometowns of Orland, Maine, at the studios of W-E-R-U-F-M in Orland.

That's 89.9.

Is that right, Joel?

That's right, Judge.

That's right.

And here's Joel Mann, our taciturn engineer.

It's the old summertime gang back together.

How are your winters, everybody?

Long.

Great.

We're very happy to have you back.

Oh, thank you very much, Joel.

That was a little,

you went on a little too long there.

In this case, it was Monty was the one who was

the most abrupt and brusque by simply saying this winter was long.

Monty, how are you?

I'm good.

Good.

Kate and Rob, for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

We were both going to take a guess.

Kate, why don't you go first?

Okay, well,

I don't really know the story, but I'm assuming it's a book about a dog, and the only one that I know is

Grey Friars Bobby, so that's going to be my guess.

What, the what?

The what?

Grey Friars Bobby.

It's a book about a dog.

Is that a book from what I'm presuming is your native New Zealand?

Oh, I think it's actually a book from somewhere in the UK.

I think Grey Fries Bobby was actually a real dog.

It was a sad story.

I just presumed it was from your native New Zealand because I couldn't understand the words you were saying.

Gray Fuzz Bobby?

Gray Fries Robra?

Right, Grey Fries Bobby.

I'll put that into the guess book and we'll see how that goes over.

All right.

Sounds good.

Rob, what is your guess?

I believe it is the film A Dog's Purpose.

The film A Dog's Purpose,

which is a movie of this year, I believe.

I'll put that in there.

Could you say it in a New Zealand accent by any chance?

No, I can't.

Gray Fuzzy Bobby.

How would you say a dog's purpose?

I would say a dog's purpose.

Yeah, I can just about make that out.

That's fantastic.

A dove porpoise?

A dove's porpoise.

Well, let me see.

We have croix fries voir voir, and we also have a dog's purpose.

And all guesses are wrong.

In fact, I was nervous that you might get it because Monty, we did not coordinate before this recording, and he tipped a hint by mentioning the shaggy dog, which, of course, is perhaps the most famous film about a boy and later man turning into a sheepdog,

which is the subject of this dispute, a sheepdog that you own.

The shaggy dog was Walt Disney's first

non-animated movie and a huge success.

I think that it'll probably, it was released in the 50s.

It'll probably be reaching New Zealand in about a year or so.

And then it was remade in 2000,

mid-2000s with

Oh, who was it again?

Tim Allen.

Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen.

That's right.

Boy, oh boy.

My brain does not function anymore.

And then it also had a sequel called The Shaggy District Attorney.

But it was none of the, my reference was none of those things.

I learned today that

the shaggy dog was based on a novel called The Hound of Florence, written in 1923 by Felix Salton.

It was the story of a young man named Lucas.

who saw the Archduke of Florence and he wished so much that he could travel the world with him

that some weird curse turned him into a dog every other day.

And not just any dog, the Archduke's own dog.

And so he traveled with the Archduke, his dog one day, and then just a weird follower the next day.

And this was the

inspiration for the shaggy dog.

In the English translation of the book, at the end of the book, the young man gets cured of his curse and learns some moral, I'm sure.

But at the end of the original German version, the Archduke stabs his own dog for reasons unknown, and the young man dies.

A very grim ending, appropriate for the work of a man who also wrote the novel Bambi,

which was the inspiration for the movie Bambi.

But that is all I have to say about that.

You are both wrong, and therefore I curse you both to being a dog.

This is my ruling.

I'm going to go ahead and skip the case.

I'm going to curse you both to being a dog on alternate days.

What kind of dog are you going to be, Rob?

An old English sheepdog.

So we have two.

All right.

And Kate, what kind of dog are you going to be?

I might be a chow-chow.

All right.

Because they're ridiculously cute.

Guess what?

I'm not magic, and I can't curse you to being a dog.

That was a trick to find out what dog you would be if you so chose, so I could see if you were compatible to continue being in love.

And it turns out you're not.

So, break up.

This is the sound of a gavel.

I'm not actually ordering you to break up, although I'm giving certain listeners of Judge John Hodgman what they have always wanted, for me to order every couple to break up.

But I am here to hopefully

get you guys past this dispute by finally figuring out who is wrong and who is right and allowing you to move forward in your marriage.

Do I understand this correctly?

Yes.

Yes.

All right.

Kate, how long have you been married?

All right, I'll ask Rob.

Rob, how long have you been married?

Five and six years.

We were married twice on the same day.

You were married twice on the same day because of the weird curse where one of you was a dog.

Why?

We had to get married by a certain date for Kate's visa to enter this country, which I probably shouldn't say because I think that's against the Department of State.

But then we got married again and had a celebration with our family on the same date one year later.

So you had a legal marriage, and then a year later...

You had a family party.

Yes.

All right.

I think this is a problem.

We still can't decide which is our anniversary.

It is the same day, so it doesn't matter.

What day is it specifically?

March 31st.

March 31st.

Well, I am deciding that your anniversary is June 3rd, because that's my birthday.

There you go.

That's my ruling in the books.

Now, the problem here is that you guys have a dog.

Rob, you always wanted a certain kind of dog, correct?

Yes.

And tell me about that dog that you wanted and got.

I had a younger dog, or a younger dog, a smaller dog when I was younger growing up, and I kind of always wanted a big dog.

And when my younger dog, or smaller dog when I was younger, passed away,

I always wanted to get another dog, and my parents didn't want to get one.

And then I always kind of just wanted a big dog, and I thought old English sheepdogs were big and goofy-looking and funny and fluffy, and I always thought that that would be a great dog to have.

Sure.

They're one of the great breeds of dogs that look like a man in a dog costume.

Yes.

And you got one.

Is that so?

We did.

We got on a wait list for one from a rescue group, and eventually one turned up that they thought would be good for our family, and so we adopted him.

And has it been good for your family, Kate?

Well, you know, it has been really good for the family.

We love the dog, but I have, you know, I sort of thought Rob was going to do a lot more for and with the dog than he has been.

So,

you know, I definitely think it was a good decision to get the dog, but I would, I didn't realize that it was going to be, you know, my dog.

So, the dispute here is that Rob is slacking off in the dog department.

His childhood dream that he finally achieved, he's now blowing it off.

You mentioned that you have a family.

How large is your family?

We have two kids.

Zelda is four, and Moses is four months.

And then we have three cats as well.

Whoa!

Whoa.

All right.

What are the names of the cats?

Their names are

Huckleberry, Lulu, and Clementine.

Let me just tell you, you guys are good namers so far.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I was hoping one of the cats was going to be named Gray Fuzz Bobby or something like that.

That's a good name.

I'll put that in the bottom drawer.

What is the name of your dog?

Iggy Big Time.

Oh, Iggy Big Time.

All right.

The Toxoplasmosis finally got to you.

You went crazy and

named your dog a funny, weird name.

I like Iggy Big Time, though.

Is that a proper first and last name?

Is Big Time your last names?

No,

I think the dog has my last name because I organized all of its insurance and visits and things.

So I think his last name is my last name.

But he goes by Iggy.

Iggy Big Time's like his middle name.

Whatever you just said, Kate, I wasn't listening to because I was stuck on when you said no.

The New Zealand person saying no is just one of the great mysteries of nature.

I don't understand how your mouth makes that noise.

Could you say it again for me, please?

No.

Wow.

How can you add syllables to no?

I love it.

We are not reaching you in New Zealand, though.

Obviously, you guys live together in,

if I remember correctly, Seattle, Washington.

That is correct, yes.

All right.

And you are reaching us from the fantastic studios of KUOW, Public Radio in Seattle, a studio that I visited many times that I enjoy.

Hi, K-U-O-W.

Oh, good.

So, how long have you had Iggy Big time,

Kate?

About 18 months.

We got him, I think, December of 2015.

You mentioned that Rob is not carrying his weight.

Specificity is the soul of narrative on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

So, what was the straw that broke the camel's back?

And by the way, I'm sorry your pet camel broke its back.

Thank you.

Pet camel's doing well.

The straw that broke the camel's back.

Well, I don't know.

I think probably it was when I was trying to get the baby to sleep and the dog is in the room jumping up on the bed, panting at me because he's figured out how to open doors.

And Rob was home downstairs and I thought, why won't this dog, why is this dog obsessed with me?

He won't leave me alone.

Rob is downstairs.

He could the dog could be with him while I'm putting the baby to sleep.

Rob really needs to become the dog's favourite so that the dog wants to hang around with Rob all the time.

Because the dog follows me everywhere right now.

He's obsessed with me.

So the dog, which was Rob's childhood wish,

follows you around everywhere.

Does Iggy Big Time love you or does he love that baby?

I think he loves me, but he does love the baby too.

But he's just, he's a very social dog.

He doesn't like to be alone.

He doesn't like even to be in the yard when I'm in the kitchen.

He's like, he's a Velcro dog is what they said when we adopted him.

But it turned out they were right.

He's, yeah, he's at my side pretty much at all times.

Yeah.

Well, he's hurting his family.

That's his.

It's true.

He's got to stay close to the backs of your legs to get you moving in the right direction.

That's true.

He does.

Rob, why don't you go upstairs and take this massive hair out of your wife's hair?

I think because he's so attached to Kate and likes her so much that he ends up being very peaceful around her and I just wasn't aware that that's where he was.

How do you feel that the dog that was your childhood desire doesn't care about you and wants to be hanging around with Kate more?

A little relieved, frankly.

Why?

I think that, well, because I love the dog, but I think that that kind of, whenever he comes over to me, when Kate's not around, he seems to even want more attention.

He won't lie peacefully with me.

He He kind of just comes up to me and stares at me.

It's like he's begging for my friendship, basically.

But I kind of wish he would just relax.

Let me do an imitation of Iggy Big Time.

Is he saying telepathically, why won't you love me?

You wanted me.

You wanted me since you were a child.

I didn't ask to be here.

Please love me.

Is that what he's saying with his eyes?

He is.

Sheepdog, I imagine.

How old is Iggy Big Time?

Three.

So he's and how long does a...

I don't want to get into grim grim territory, but when is he going to die?

10 to 12 years.

Yeah, I think about 10, 12 years.

Yeah, so he's just, this is just the beginning of your life journey with this incredible canine Wookiee.

We're about a third.

You're already counting the days, apparently, Rob.

We're about a third away based on my dog death calendar.

I can't wait for my childhood dream to die.

You got another dog teed up when Iggy Big Time

makes the big time of doggy heaven?

Not yet.

Could I add something to that?

Please.

Rob has often suggested that we should just get another dog to be the dog's best friend.

So that relieving both of us of our duties as the dog's best friend.

I would love to hear Rob's throwing good dog after bad thesis.

Do you remember that you have three cats?

The three cats were forced upon me by Kate, who is a

I'll very kindly say, is a crazy crazy cat lady.

I prefer a noted cat person.

And

I feel like that these, you know, I always said I wanted one of these dogs, but I don't know if I was ever going to go get one.

Kate signed up for the list.

Kate dealt with all that.

While I agreed, I didn't encourage it all.

So I feel like Kate has brought all the animals into the house and as such is responsible for being their best friend.

Whoa.

Rob, you really want to go down this road?

I always wanted a dog.

My wife did something nice for me, and therefore it's her problem now.

Yep, yep.

And now you're hoping that if you wish for another dog, another one will magically appear, courtesy Kate, and that will solve the problem?

Yes and no.

I think I kind of do, but I'm also worried that this will make the problem that we are currently having worse.

So you don't want to commit to getting another dog because now you appreciate that getting a dog actually has ramifications on your life.

Yes.

Okay.

So you're being careful about what you wish for.

Very careful.

If you were to go to the old wishing well and drop a coin down there and a dog was to appear, what kind of dog would be Iggy Big Time's loyal companion?

I believe a smaller dog.

Perhaps even a smaller dog that's older than Iggy, so is a little more relaxed, but also Iggy will have fun playing with, and we can take that dog maybe on travel a little bit more easily, bring that dog on a plane.

And leave Iggy behind, I presume?

Yes, by himself with the cats.

Why are you punishing this dog?

Let's take a quick break.

We'll hear more about Kate, Rob, and their old English sheep dog when we come back in just a minute.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm good time, summertime, fun time bailiff Monty Belmonte from WRSI Radio, the River in Northampton, Massachusetts, filling in for Jesse Thorne.

Kate and Rob are in court to settle their dispute about dog care.

Why does Kate want to update their distribution of labor?

Let's go back into the courtroom to find out.

You know what I'm going to look at?

I'm going to look at some cute dog pictures that got sent in as quote-unquote evidence.

All these photos, of course, will be posted at maximumfund.org on the Judge John Hodgman page.

I have evidence here submitted by Kate.

These are just nice pictures of a beautiful sheepdog.

Here's Iggy Big Time sitting next to some juice boxes at a picnic in a park somewhere in Seattle.

And here's Iggy Big Time

looming over your little baby Moses, right?

Moses, is that correct?

Yeah, he's saying, look at me, not the baby.

Look at me, not the baby.

Look at me, not the baby.

Oh, he's competing with the baby?

Yeah.

I think so.

He's pretty adorable.

It looks to me like he's guarding that baby.

And now here's a family photo of Kate holding Zelda, the human, and Rob holding the top half of Iggy Big Time, who clearly recently was shorn in this photo.

Yeah, he was.

That was the day we adopted him, and

he'd had dreadlocks, so they had to shave him.

But yeah, look at the look on Rob's face, how happy he is.

That was the only day Rob loved Iggy Big Time.

Would that be fair to say, Rob?

Was that the last time you touched Iggy Big Time?

No, I touched him as recently as this morning

when I let him outside.

He said, get out of here.

Did you touch him with your heel?

When I sent him outside.

Yeah, as you kicked him out the door.

Yes.

Now, one more photo that I want to just talk about here, which is a photo of Iggy Big Time on the bed with the three cats.

What are their names again?

Lulu?

Lulu Huckleberry.

And the cat in that picture has actually died and been replaced with another cat.

So that cat is Cookie, the gray one.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry to hear that your cat passed away, but you were awfully quick to replace that cat.

Well, this is a natural time for you to say, maybe two cats is enough.

I agree.

Well, actually, Rob found the cat that we got.

He really, really, really wanted it.

Found a picture online.

sent me lots of pictures and was like, look at this cat.

This isn't you.

When Rob came to to you and said, I wish I had this cat, wasn't that a moment when you should have had a

learned from experience and said, No, you can't just.

I love having cats, and cats are easy.

Like, I think 10 cats would be easier than one Old English sheepdog.

I'm not saying I want to get 10 cats.

Yes, she is.

It sounded a little like you wanted to get 10 cats.

Or 10 cats.

I couldn't tell what she was saying.

Definitely tin cats are easier to take care of.

Yeah, cats made of tin.

You don't even need to feed them, gets tiny cats.

Yeah.

Yeah, wind-up cats.

But speaking of shearing your Old English sheepdog, I would imagine that aside from its size, its ingrained behavioral traits, that is to say, to herd and to Velcro,

there is also a huge grooming issue, right?

What kind of care does an Old English sheepdog

need?

Ideally, the dog would get

at least one and up to four hours of brushing each week.

And who does the brushing in the house?

Actually, Rob is the only one that does the brushing just because I already brushed the three cats.

But Rob doesn't do a great job at brushing the dog, so we take him to the groomer.

And I was taking him to the groomer for a while, and the groomer was always yelling at me because

his hair was so matted, and explaining to me how we need to brush him.

So

now I refuse to take the dog to the groomer because I don't want to have to deal with that.

So Rob was supposed to be brushing the dog, wasn't doing a good enough job.

You took it to the groomer.

You got yelled at.

Rob, is there anything you do with regard to this dog?

Do you take any responsibility for this dog?

I walk him occasionally.

I feed him breakfast.

In the morning, I feed the cats breakfast as well.

When?

You always feed the cats, but not the dog?

No, I feed the dog, put dry food in this bowl.

Wait a minute.

Wait,

you always feed the cats and not the dog?

Is it a New Zealand accent thing, or is that what you actually said, Kate?

Does he feed the dog or not?

No, that's what I said.

What is your accusation?

He feeds the cat and not the dog?

Right.

Well, he only feeds the cats.

I don't think he would feed the cats, but the cats are insistent on getting fed.

They won't stop until they stop bothering him, bouncing on him, meowing until they get little food in their bowl.

Iggy's such a sweet dog.

He just waits patiently for someone to feed him.

And, of course, that's not motivating enough.

So Rob doesn't feed the dog.

Rob, how do you respond to this accusation that you are not feeding the dog out of spite?

I think I'm trying to reconnect with the cats, and I think the cats have been coming around to me because the cats were always Kate's favorite.

I think I'm creating a buffer, a cat buffer.

Why are you not feeding the dog that you wished for?

Because he doesn't eat the dry food when I give it to him, so it's not rewarding.

I put it in his bowl.

And he doesn't eat it.

He'll eat it throughout the day, but I guess I don't get the instant gratification that I acquire from the dog.

You're saying if Iggy Big Time were a little bit more demonstrative in his thanks.

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, if he's going to be my best friend, I would expect that.

Yeah, he's got to show that he loves you, right?

He does.

Yeah, exactly.

Kate,

Rob isn't even defending himself.

With regard to the charge that he is not a full participant in the care and feeding, literally the care and feeding of this dog.

Right.

What would you have me order if I were to find in your favor?

Well, you know, obviously I would like him to do his half in looking after the dog.

But what I really would like

is for him to, you know, really spend some time trying to bond with the dog, take him for adventures, take him for walks, take him out for beer.

There are places you can bring your dog for a beer.

I mean, the dog doesn't drink beer, obviously, but you can have some.

Why would you disappoint me in that way?

I so wanted to believe that there were Seattle bars where dogs drinking beer was encouraged.

Right.

Well, you know, maybe.

We just haven't done enough research yet.

So, yeah, I just, you know, I want him to do at least 50% of the dog care, which I think right now he's doing maybe five, I'd say.

And

I would like him to set aside maybe like 15 minutes a day or and a couple of hours on the weekend to do something nice with the dog.

Do you feel that Rob is missing out?

Yeah, I really do.

Because

he's a great dog and he's a lot of fun.

And any time Rob does take him to the dog park or somewhere, he always has a good time.

So I don't know why he can't just build it into his day.

Because I think you know, once he does, he's going to really get a lot more out of the dog.

Like the relationship's going to be better for both of them.

And I might also say I think it would be a public service of Rob to take the dog out because the dog is very funny and he brightens up people's days.

Would you say that Iggy Big Time is

more or the same hilarious as all other English sheepdogs?

I think probably about the same, I guess, because they're all very good.

But he's very sweet as well and he finds people and lean on them and make them feel like

they're really special, and he's like bonded with them especially.

But, you know, he does that to everyone.

But everyone's always like, oh my gosh, I just feel a connection to him.

He's such a great dog.

So I feel like he's,

you know, he brightens up people's days.

He needs to get out and see more people.

I think it's a service to society.

But also, yes, I think Rob Wood is missing out on his relationship with the dog.

Rob, I have three questions for you before I go into my chambers to consider my verdict.

Here's the first one.

Did you have a bad experience with this dog that made you decide to not really engage with its life?

No.

Okay.

So there's no trauma at issue here.

It's not like I wished for a sheepdog and it turned out that all sheepdogs, or at least this one, is a jerk who looked at me

funny from behind its fuzzy hair.

Nope.

No, okay.

When you wished upon a star for an English sheepdog

and Kate came home with one, did you feel happy or like, I didn't really mean it?

When we went to a little bit of both.

I think I was excited to go get him when we picked him up from the rescue place.

But

once we got him, and I think

after the honeymoon, I was really excited until I laid eyes on him.

And then I realized, oh, man.

Oh, no.

That's a real problem.

Kate, I'll let Rob speak for himself.

Sorry.

I apologize.

Rob,

tell me about your emotional journey once Iggy Big Time was a true presence in your life.

What happened?

I think, one, I think having a dog of that size was more work than I had expected.

But also,

in addition to the three cats and having at the time one child and now two, I think I find it all overwhelming to have so many creatures in our house.

And I think that after a a while it just became kind of a burden.

And when I do take him out, I do enjoy it.

And I agree that I need to do more.

But I think

I'm enjoying that Kate is his favorite.

And I think she happens to be the favorite of all of the animals.

And I kind of think that Iggy is really a buffer between me and more cats in the house.

I think that now that Kate realizes how much work Iggy is and how much more difficult he is than any number of cats, I think it's preventing us from getting more cats, which I feel pretty good about.

How would you have me order if I were to find in your favor, then, Rob?

I would agree that I need to do more for the dog, but I think Kate and Iggy have a pretty good bond right now, and I don't want to break that up.

You're afraid that if you take more care of the dog, it might harm the relationship between Iggy and Kate.

Yes.

I see.

Okay.

Rob, let me ask you: is there a structural reason why you don't provide as much care for Iggy big time as Kate does?

You know, is someone home more than the other or anything like that?

Yeah, I mean, since Kate was, you know, towards the end of her pregnancy and also with the newborn baby the last few months, she's been at home with, you know, Iggy for maybe a year of

the time we've been with him.

So he, you know, she spends all day with him.

And I think part of that is that that, until Kate goes back to work, has been

too much time between them.

And I think that's kind of what's making her feel like she's doing everything because she is, but she's also with him much more of the time.

And then I feel like, you know, now that we have a baby and a toddler, I feel like my time at home is consumed by that quite a bit.

And also trying to spend time with Kate.

And I think that the dog just feels like an extra thing to take care of.

While Kate and Iggy have that good bond right now, I think that,

you know, it seems to be working.

They spend all day together, and I think

it just seems easier at this point.

But Kate's telling you it's not working.

I mean, I hear you saying, like, they seem to have a good thing going.

It's certainly a good thing for you, but it's not a good thing for Kate.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I mean, I don't know what to, I guess I don't know what to do about it at the moment until, you know.

Until you were embarrassed on a podcast?

Yes.

Yes.

Joel Mann here at WERU, do you have any dogs?

Yes, I do.

Thank you, Joel.

Thank you.

Move on.

Joel, do you have any thoughts as to this case?

I'd like to ask who feeds the dog most of the time?

I feed the dog.

That's why the dog loves her.

Thank you, Joel.

Rob, you have a job outside of the home?

Yes.

What do you do?

I work in advertising.

Aha.

And so how much time,

that's like a 40-hour a week job?

You're home most evenings, that sort of thing?

Yeah, most of the the time.

Most of the time, maybe sometimes later in the evening, but.

And when you get home to this house that is full of Kate

and her brood of young children and multiple cats and a giant man in a dog suit named Iggy Big Time, do you ever feel like the house is not your own?

May maybe.

I'm not sure whose house it is.

I think it's actually one of the cats' houses.

But yeah, I feel like I get home and there are so many people and animals to spend time with.

It it seems like that would be a good time to take Iggy out.

But then I feel like I should help with the kids,

keep the cats away from something.

Kate, if it comes to a choice between taking Iggy out or helping with one of the kids, which would you rather have Rob do?

Well,

that's not really the cho he really chooses to do neither of those things

because

he has

he has He likes to make like a really fancy cocktail when he gets home that's very elaborate.

And

take take a photo of it and put it on Instagram.

And he'll often do that instead of helping with the kids or taking the dog for a walk.

So if it was a choice between looking after the kids and taking the dog for a walk, I'd say, yeah, look after the kids.

But if it's a choice between making a fancy cocktail and taking the dog for a walk, I think I would rather he took the dog for a walk.

Alright.

Even though I sometimes get to enjoy the cocktail.

Before I go into my chambers, I'm going to ask, what is the name of that Instagram account, please?

It is Kleck Tales, K-L-E-C-K-T-A-I-L-S.

All right.

So I have this Instagram account now up on my phone.

I will now go into my Snoopy-style doghouse that is bigger on the inside than on the outside, and I will consider both sides and come to my verdict.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Kate, is Rob jealous?

Is this what this comes down to?

That he had a childhood dream of this English sheepdog,

and it fell in love with you, and now Rob hates the dog because the dog loves you more.

Well, I never thought about it like that.

I don't think that's what's going on, but I,

you know, it's maybe, maybe, maybe it's something we need to talk through.

Now, Rob,

was it your childhood dream to marry a New Zealander?

Yes.

When you married her the first time, did that first New Zealander somehow shaggy dog style turn into Iggy Big Time?

And now this is what's causing all the problems here?

You've had two marriages.

You've got this human-like dog creature, and you've got your wife, Kate.

It's a lot to deal with.

Well, we'll be right back with Judge John Hodgman's decision.

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The wizards answer eight by eight.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

All right, one week ago, Mai Tai.

Tai.

It was National Mai Tai Day on Clecktails one week ago.

That's a pretty good looking Mai Tai in a nice yard.

These are nice photos.

What is this one, Rob, that's with the Campari and Mescal?

You don't seem to have the name for it.

Oh, I think it was just something I read that I just tried that.

I guess that one I didn't give a name or didn't have a name.

All right.

These are some pretty good clecktails, I have to say.

And you take a nice photo of alcohol, and I appreciate that.

It is obvious

that

Kate is the favorite of all of the animals in this house

because she is taking care of all the animals in this house.

As the great Gordian knot cutter that is the voice of Joel Mann points out,

she who feeds the dog is dog's favorite.

And I wonder if, to some degree, Rob, you avoid feeding the dog for fear that the dog will actually bond and imprint upon you and thus ask more of you.

The fact is that

I actually have sympathy for Rob

in the sense

that

fathers of young children,

even in homes without 35 to 40 animals, sometimes feel like they don't belong there because all of the animals, all of the human animals in the house, want mom,

and dads feel increasingly marginalized.

And that's why they start

down a long and unfortunate road towards

dad jokes and puns

and

World War II trivia and other aspects of weird daddism.

It is their attempt to console themselves in their utter human solitude.

Adding in three cats and a dog, even a dog that is wished for,

I can only imagine, makes one wonder, where do I fit in in all of this toxoplasmodic and dog fart fog?

Not to mention human diaper feces.

Now let's take pets out of the equation for a minute.

It is easy for dads to feel that baby and that mom have a good rapport.

I'll just leave that alone and make myself a drink.

I get where you're coming from, Rob.

But your impulse is wrong.

I'm sorry.

It is true that babies

love their primary caretakers, which in many cases, especially in early childhood,

are the moms.

Obviously, there are families in which there are no moms, but that's a different dynamic that I don't know a lot about.

But knowing only my own heteronormative parenthood and growing uphood, that's a special relationship between infant and mom.

The dads can often say to themselves, I don't need to be a part of this.

Here I go to take some pictures of alcohol and then drink it.

And I can absolutely see, mixing in those animals, even more of a case of like, I'm going to get home a little bit later tonight, and I'll just go ahead and take some pictures of Havana Club and make up some cocktails.

This is a wrong impulse, however.

And I'm sure that you are a fine dad and you take care, you do your part as a dad.

And I'm sure that you are also shooing cats away from those babies because those cats totally want to kill those babies.

Do not be misled.

Cats hate babies.

They do not understand them and they want them gone.

I don't know if they are so malicious as to want to actually steal their breath, but I think that you will find that cats are suspicious of babies, whereas dogs are like, yep, that's one of me, for sure.

Another thing that makes weird noises and poops all the time, that must be another dog.

I'll take care of it.

But your behavior must be corrected.

Set aside the fact that you wished for this dog, which is weird, that we would have yet another story about how a weird magical wish,

as in the hound of Florence, brings an unwanted dog into one's life.

This has happened in your fable as well.

Perhaps you should have been more careful about what you wished for, because, as you know, being married to Kate, if you mention an animal around her, she will probably adopt it.

You only had to show her a picture online of this third cat.

You didn't have to push this third cat into the world.

You showed her a picture, and guess what?

There was a replacement third cat.

You got to be more careful.

With your powerful magic, Rob.

Do not say anything more about getting another dog because that's not what this family needs.

What this family needs

is you

helping in the way you are asked.

This is obviously a bit of settled law on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

People like to help in the way they feel like helping, but that is not always helping.

The way to help is to help in the way you are asked.

And Kate is saying to you, I need you to help.

with this dog.

I need you to break the bond.

You think the bond between me and Iggy Big Time is a good thing.

I'm saying you need to break in and establish a bond with Iggy Big Time, both because it will help me and also because it will help you get to know this thing that you wished for in the first place.

I'm sorry that there are no twist endings or surprises on this one.

It was pretty clear from the beginning that Rob's got to do his part.

in the care and feeding of Iggy Big Time.

But I will say, Rob, that I think that what you'll find is

you owe it to yourself, and you will be surprised by how quickly this dog becomes attached to you and maybe even that dog you dreamed about so long ago when you were a child and not a monstrous man.

This is the sound of the gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Kate Bigtime, are you pleased with the judge's decision?

Yes, I am.

I think it will be good for everybody.

Good result.

Does Rob Bigtime make you a cocktail when he should be helping you with the children and all of the animals?

Yeah, often.

Sometimes I'll tell him I don't want one, but I could usually...

Either he offers or I could ask for one and he would make one.

So that is a good perk.

So he's not so much in his silo that he's forgetting to make you a cocktail.

No.

No.

Now, Rob, are you ready to step up with Iggy Big Time, the three cats, and your two children?

I am.

Yeah, and I well, I and I knew that that that was likely what was going to happen here today, but I I think I hadn't really considered uh that I need to get over the hump of of getting him to to like me and I think then I'll find it more rewarding.

I think he's kind of maybe instantly been drawn to to Kate and that distanced me from him, but I think if if I work on making him like me, then I'll like him more, which sounds vain, but it's true in this case.

Maybe if you, on the anniversary date of your adoption of Iggy Big Time, if you recommit yourself to that relationship and not a strictly legal sort of citizenship way, you'll have a greater deal of love for the dog of your dreams.

I think so.

Yeah, by the way, this is Judge John Hodgman poking my doggy nose back into your business.

I think that's a great idea, Monty.

So I'm going to expand my verdict verdict in two specific ways.

One, I want you to have a second adoption ceremony for Iggy Big Time and give him the family party style adoption that he always deserved.

You already had the civil adoption.

Now it's time for the big party.

I want you to invite everyone you know.

And I want to see pictures of

Rob and Iggy Big Time at the adoption altar confirming their vows.

Two, Rob,

no more posting of cocktails unless Iggy is also in the photo.

I'm not doing this to punish you.

I'm doing this to help you.

If you have

cocktails and a sheepdog in every photo, your Instagram is going to blow up.

And it will provide good bonding time with you and Iggy going forward.

By the way, Monty,

thank you for walking me down this path.

I've never been prouder of a verdict than just now.

Could I add a third element to it?

I'll allow it.

That Rob would would have to create a cocktail for his Instagram account with Iggy Big Time in it, but he has to name the cocktail Gray Fuzz Bobby or whatever the hell the name of that book was that Kate was trying to say so many times at the beginning of this episode.

She wasn't trying to say it.

She was saying it successfully, just in a way that humans could not hear.

Right.

All right, Joel Mann, do you have anything to add to the verdict?

He can't make a cocktail until the dog's been fed.

All right, there we go.

Two bailiffs, one judge, one verdict.

That's all I have to say about this one.

Monty, get us out of here.

Thank you so much, Kate Big Time and Rob Big Time.

And thanks for being part of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Well, before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Philippe Sobriero for naming this week's episode Burden of Pooch.

If you'd like to name a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook.

We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Follow us on Twitter, at Hodgman, at Monty Balmonte.

Joel, do you have a Twitter account?

No.

Yeah, no surprise.

How can they reach you?

You can mail it to P.O.

Box170 East Orland, Maine.

Okay, great.

And then you'll write back to everyone, right?

Instantly.

Okay, good.

Send a self-addressed stamped envelope.

Oh, yeah.

Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets.

Hashtag JJ Ho, and check out the maximum fun subreddit to discuss this episode.

Who recorded this week's episode, Monty?

Tim Meaning at KUOW in Seattle and Joel Mann at WERU in East Orland, Maine.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Now, let's get to Swift Justice, where we can answer your small disputes with a quick judgment.

Maximilian N has a question about the game of life.

The board game, that is.

Maximilian says, when playing life, my mother puts her money in a stack rather than spread out so she can hide her money.

She says it's strategy.

The rest of my family say this is cheating.

What say you, Judge?

I don't play the game of life.

You know why?

Why?

I don't like those little cars and the little people pegs you put in the cars.

It's just like,

it's just they have a bad feel.

I don't like that spinning thing.

I'm sorry, Hasbro or Milton Bradley or whatever it is.

You know, I'm a Scravel person.

I'm a Monopoly person.

The Game of Life was always like...

like an off-brand cereal to me in terms of the gameplay.

Well, life is actually a brand of cereal as well.

That's what I was thinking about.

I also never ate it.

Me either.

But if Maximilian and his mom like it, I don't know.

Have you ever played the game of life, Monty?

I've tried to play it a few times, but I always, I get an icky feeling because I feel like I'm being pigeonholed into like, you need to go to the college track or the career track.

And I thought, maybe I want a dream.

Yeah, exactly.

It feels very complacent.

1950s middle-class idea of what life could involve.

Yeah.

Could I have an equal marriage in the game of life?

I doubt it.

Yeah.

Like, you can't become a podcaster in the game of life.

You can't become a morning radio host at WRSI the River.

You can't become a radio host at WERU here in Maine.

Like, we're part of life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's my ruling.

Don't play the game anymore.

Don't play the game with your cheating mom anymore, Maximilian.

Maria G has a work-related dispute.

She'd like to be swiftly judged.

She says, My coworker who sits at the next desk over lowers the blinds on the window next to my cubicle every time I walk away from my desk.

Please tell him to stop.

Well, this, you know, co-worker issues are an important part of the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast and a short column that we have in the New York Times Magazine.

If you ever read the New York Times magazine and read my little column net there, I recently ruled that a woman could not bring into a shared workspace her aromatherapy.

And I was pleased

to see here at WERU several signs when I walked in today saying, do not wear scents or perfumes in this room.

People are sensitive to smells.

I have no idea what incredible years-long drama resulted in the posting of signs saying no one can wear aftershave in this radio station.

But I think that that is a good policy.

Now, in terms of what's going on at Maria G's desk,

there is clearly some passive-aggressive war of blind lowering and raising going on there.

If you were to ask your coworker, why are you doing this?

Please stop, the coworker will probably say, that light really bothers me.

In which case, the onus would be on you to consider your coworker's comfort over your own, and you would probably have to keep those blinds lowered all the time because she will have articulated, or he will have articulated to you, that that is their preference.

Sometimes it is better to not know the preference.

Although Judge John Hodgman typically rules on clear and open communication between people, Once something is said, it cannot be unsaid.

And if you are tempting that person to say, Yeah, I can't stand that sunlight ever, that's why I lower the blinds, then you become the monster if you keep opening them and shining that sun into your vampire co-workers' face.

This is one where I kind of feel like if they're not going to tell you what's going on with them and they're going to do this passive-aggressive thing where they lower the blinds every time you step away, then it is within your right to reopen them when you sit down.

And it's not so much of an

impediment to your lifestyle that I think it demands a further ruling than that.

Leave passive-aggressive well enough alone and enjoy your sunlight when you're sitting there.

Make hay while the sun shines in your cubicle.

Or quit your job and get a job at a radio station that has no windows in any of the studios and turn the fluorescent lights on full blast, which is what I do.

Just don't wear aftershave, Maria.

That's about it for this week's episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Submit your cases at maximumfun.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Oh, hey, before you go, everyone, it's Judge John Hodgman again.

I just thought of something.

If you have a dad or mom who actually reads the New York Times magazine, they may not know that there is a whole podcast of their favorite short column of judgment.

Why don't you let them know?

Say, hey, dad or mom, that's based on a podcast because it doesn't say anything in the magazine about it.

Just let them know and tell them to listen too.

And when they listen, tell them to review it very highly on iTunes because it really helps.

All right.

Sorry about that.

On with the end of the show.

The end.

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