Live From Washington, DC

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

Speaker 2 Who me?

Speaker 1 I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Speaker 1 This week's episode, recorded live at the legendary Howard Theater in Washington, D.C., host to some of the greatest figures in entertainment history, like Duke Ellington and us.

Speaker 1 This episode, by the way, recorded before the 2016 presidential election, so keep that in mind, especially when you're listening to the Swift Justice dispute about voting.

Speaker 1 Anyway, let's get to the show.

Speaker 3 Tonight's case, Rabias Corpus. Lauren brings the case against her boyfriend Tony.
She'd like to get a pet raccoon, but Tony is opposed.

Speaker 3 Who's right, who's wrong?

Speaker 2 Only one man can decide.

Speaker 3 Please rise metaphorically

Speaker 3 as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Speaker 9 Some of my favorite things to do are sleep, eat, and play.

Speaker 14 I love to sleep in the cupboard above all my mama's clothes, with the doors open, of course, so that I can see what is going on all the time.

Speaker 19 For some reason, though, mama doesn't like it very much. She's always muttering, you naughty little judge.

Speaker 15 I sometimes like to reach down and take one of her blouses.

Speaker 11 They feel so soft, and I love to play with the things that hold them.

Speaker 15 They are so much fun to chew on.

Speaker 19 Perhaps that's why she calls me naughty, whatever that means.

Speaker 9 Weird.

Speaker 23 Pale of Jesse Thorne.

Speaker 24 You may swear them in.

Speaker 3 Lauren and Tony, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 27 I do.

Speaker 3 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has no pet raccoons and six pet capybaras?

Speaker 17 It's my favorite animal.

Speaker 28 The gentleman's giant rodent.

Speaker 29 Do you?

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 16 Somehow, yes.

Speaker 4 Very well. Be seated.

Speaker 30 You may be seated. Lauren and and Tony.

Speaker 31 Very nice to see you here for an immediate summary judgment and one of yours favors.

Speaker 15 Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

Speaker 15 Tony, you have been brought here against your will to my court so that Lauren may ask me to order you to have a pet raccoon for the rest of your life.

Speaker 19 Therefore, I grant you this one accommodation.

Speaker 11 You may guess first, or you may make Lauren guess first.

Speaker 36 And just so you know, most people have the other person guess first because they're cowards.

Speaker 37 Wait, is that how long they live?

Speaker 18 Yes, a raccoon lives 107 years on average.

Speaker 38 I'll have Lauren guess first.

Speaker 39 They're like the tortoises of the garbage animal family.

Speaker 32 Sorry, what were you going to do?

Speaker 40 I'm going to have Lauren guess first.

Speaker 42 Okay, the coward's way is the way today.

Speaker 29 Lauren,

Speaker 30 you must guess first, and you can't look at my piece of paper.

Speaker 9 I saw you looking.

Speaker 24 Oh, I think.

Speaker 18 You're as insidious as a raccoon.

Speaker 3 And you have similarly cute little hands.

Speaker 43 That's true.

Speaker 32 That's true.

Speaker 15 I saw those opposable thumbs from across the stage.

Speaker 18 I hope that's not harassment. I just saw them.

Speaker 5 What is your guess?

Speaker 26 I don't have a guess. You have to guess.
Maybe like a children's Beatrix Potter story?

Speaker 44 Children's Beatrix Potter story.

Speaker 19 I prefer Beatrix Potter's adult story.

Speaker 28 What is your guess, Tony?

Speaker 40 There was a raccoon character on the Care Bears.

Speaker 45 I hope that's the answer because that's pretty much all I got.

Speaker 24 You're talking about Breitheart, a Care Bear cousin.

Speaker 22 Please enter Breitheart, a Care Bear cousin, into the guest book.

Speaker 3 So noted right here under the section about Brave Star,

Speaker 29 the Space Cowboy.

Speaker 47 You think I didn't do my Googling this afternoon?

Speaker 3 Tony, I did it.

Speaker 28 I did my Googling.

Speaker 29 But now

Speaker 6 would be the appropriate time to say, all guesses are wrong.

Speaker 48 You are both wrong.

Speaker 30 The quote is actually from a book.

Speaker 14 And the book is called, it is not...

Speaker 23 Look, it's fair that you didn't know.

Speaker 41 The book is about to be published, and I'm buzz marketing right now.

Speaker 23 Coming out October 4th, 2016 from St.

Speaker 35 Martin's, a publishing concern.

Speaker 18 Pumpkin, The Raccoon Who Thought She Was a Dog by Laura L.

Speaker 39 Young.

Speaker 47 Yes, madam, I'm quoting a book that I think you know something about.

Speaker 24 I'm so embarrassed.

Speaker 43 You are embarrassed, aren't you?

Speaker 10 For is it not true

Speaker 53 that the very cute raccoon, Pumpkin, the raccoon who thought she was a dog, featured on a very popular Instagram account about this pet raccoon is not the inspiration for your desire to have a pet pet raccoon?

Speaker 26 Pumpkin is the original inspiration.

Speaker 55 Yes, that's. Oh, okay.

Speaker 5 Well, I don't know why I was so.

Speaker 56 I thought you were going to be argumentative.

Speaker 38 All right, very good.

Speaker 57 Rarely at a show does one invite the audience to take out their phones, but for purposes of evidence, you may take out your phones and look at Instagram, Pumpkin the Raccoon.

Speaker 29 I look forward to hearing fireworks of oh, hee, gaw

Speaker 11 throughout the audience while Lauren, you explain how this raccoon on Instagram encouraged you to bring one into your own home.

Speaker 26 So it started with Pumpkin the raccoon. I think I saw a list of like cutest animals you should be following on Instagram.

Speaker 36 How could that list have possibly come before your eyes?

Speaker 26 I don't know. The internet.

Speaker 26 And so I started following pumpkin, and then there's another, there's a woman, Melanie Raccoon. She has four pet raccoons, and she dresses them up and puts them on leashes and takes them for walks.

Speaker 59 She puts them on leashes.

Speaker 24 Oh, yes.

Speaker 55 Little absolutely.

Speaker 22 Why has this woman not been clawed to death?

Speaker 26 Because they're friendly. They're wonderful pets.

Speaker 3 It's possible that she is just the four raccoons standing on each other's shoulders wearing a trench coat.

Speaker 26 And that just led me down the Instagram wormhole of raccoon accounts. And now I follow mostly raccoons on Instagram.

Speaker 7 How many raccoon Instagram accounts do you follow?

Speaker 26 I don't know, maybe a dozen or so.

Speaker 3 What else do you do on the dark web?

Speaker 26 I also follow two Capybara accounts.

Speaker 39 As pets?

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 37 All right. They like to swim in swimming pools, Your Honor.
They do.

Speaker 6 They do.

Speaker 38 All right.

Speaker 32 Tony,

Speaker 54 seems like you can have anything for a pet these days.

Speaker 16 You do not want to have a raccoon.

Speaker 45 No, I don't.

Speaker 40 And I haven't been asked about a Capybara yet, so we're good there.

Speaker 35 Maybe you should count your blessings.

Speaker 35 Maybe if I rule in your favor today, it'll be capybara tomorrow.

Speaker 42 You guys live together?

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 4 You are romantically involved?

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 17 Are you married?

Speaker 13 No. I see.

Speaker 4 And you live, where do you live?

Speaker 8 Richmond.

Speaker 13 Richmond, Virginia.

Speaker 4 Yes. Oh.

Speaker 42 That is the capital of Virginia.

Speaker 27 It is. All right.

Speaker 5 See, I know things. So,

Speaker 37 and if you were to name your top reason,

Speaker 17 the ten top reasons for not having a raccoon, The third one will surprise you.

Speaker 24 But of that top 10 list, number one with a bullet is, it's a raccoon, or what else?

Speaker 21 My eyes.

Speaker 35 I'd like to keep them.

Speaker 31 Like to keep his eyes.

Speaker 38 All right.

Speaker 34 Well, we do have a very special expert witness.

Speaker 18 Is that not so, Bailiff Jesse Thorne?

Speaker 3 That's true. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from NPR, from PBS, from Al Jazeera, America.
He's a true legend of broadcast journalism. Please welcome to the stage one of my heroes, Ray Suarez.

Speaker 63 There he is.

Speaker 29 Hello, Ray. How are you?

Speaker 63 I'm well, Jesse. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Now, Ray, in your capacity as a...

Speaker 3 television and radio journalism legend. Have you ever had occasion to interact with raccoons?

Speaker 63 Why, yes, I have, Jesse.

Speaker 5 Thank goodness.

Speaker 3 What was your experience with raccoons specifically?

Speaker 63 A tradesman had done some work on my house

Speaker 63 and had infortuitously left the flu open to the

Speaker 63 fireplace.

Speaker 63 Being incredibly intelligent and cruel animals,

Speaker 63 a raccoon found its way down my chimney and into my basement.

Speaker 63 He destroyed everything there was to destroy

Speaker 63 and festooned my basement with mammalian feces.

Speaker 63 But that's not all.

Speaker 63 We locked the basement door because we knew there was an animal destroying things like a bad Disney nature movie downstairs.

Speaker 63 My wife was working in the laundry room where the door to the basement is located.

Speaker 63 And late at night,

Speaker 63 after

Speaker 63 finding no more terror, no more havoc to wreak in the basement, Said raccoon tried to find a way out of the basement.

Speaker 63 Imagine, if you will,

Speaker 38 little hands

Speaker 63 reaching out from under the door

Speaker 63 and feeling around. Now it's creepy because

Speaker 63 they have those little humanoid hands.

Speaker 63 It's like Donald Trump wearing patent leather gloves.

Speaker 63 Finding no means of egress, he retreated

Speaker 63 and sprung the trap where we had cleverly put peanut butter and tuna fish.

Speaker 63 He was taken from our home.

Speaker 63 But a pet that is extremely intelligent but does not love you

Speaker 63 is probably not a good pet.

Speaker 19 You might as well be talking about a cat, however.

Speaker 63 But they can fake it.

Speaker 56 A raccoon can't fake it.

Speaker 3 Mr.

Speaker 2 Suarez, do you know the Latin name for a raccoon?

Speaker 62 Yes.

Speaker 63 Jesse,

Speaker 63 the family is Procyonidae. The genus is just Procyon.
It has to do with the fact that they resemble dogs to the taxonomists who named them.

Speaker 63 But in many other languages, they are given bear-like names because of their cute resemblance to a bear.

Speaker 3 Mr. Suarez, do you have any further thoughts on the matter of raccoons?

Speaker 63 A dog loves you.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Mr. Suarez.
Ray Suarez, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 53 Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Suarez, what a pleasure to have him here this evening to deliver that moving testimony.

Speaker 16 Lauren, Well, how do you respond to Mr.

Speaker 29 Suarez's story and clear concern for your safety.

Speaker 26 Well, I want to respond by saying that's almost like comparing owning a dog to a coyote because I'm talking about a tame raccoon that I would get from a breeder.

Speaker 44 I'm sorry, I was distracted by the gentleman's alarm.

Speaker 6 Well, excuse me, sorry.

Speaker 15 You are going to get a tame raccoon from a breeder.

Speaker 5 All right, so let's,

Speaker 14 first of all, is it legal to have a raccoon for a pet in Virginia?

Speaker 49 You have to get a permit.

Speaker 22 And

Speaker 8 what is the permitting authority?

Speaker 26 Maybe the Wildlife Department of Game and Inland Services.

Speaker 29 Something, something animals probably.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Got it.

Speaker 26 I'm sure it's not that hard, though.

Speaker 32 So you've done a lot of research into the permiting authority.

Speaker 37 I did a little googling.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 47 So with a permit, why would Virginia permit someone to have a raccoon as a pet?

Speaker 23 That is to say, allow it under certain conditions.

Speaker 24 Are raccoons used to fight other animals?

Speaker 29 It just...

Speaker 22 Does Virginia, are there people

Speaker 18 in Virginia who use raccoons to tip over other people's garbage cans?

Speaker 55 Not that I'm aware of.

Speaker 36 Public service that I'm not

Speaker 26 aware of. But I mean,

Speaker 26 maybe eventually they'll be as common as cats and dogs, and you just have to start somewhere.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 57 And you have found a breeder who's going to sell you a raccoon?

Speaker 26 Well, there are several breeders. None in Virginia.

Speaker 12 Why are they breeding raccoons?

Speaker 42 Because they seem to be out there in the wild a lot.

Speaker 30 Does not seem to be a population issue.

Speaker 26 Well, I raccoons are popular pets, I think, in Russia, because a lot of the Instagram accounts I follow are Russian.

Speaker 26 And then also in South Korea, there's a lot of South Korean Instagram raccoon accounts. So I think that the world is starting to accept raccoons as pets.

Speaker 26 And in America, we're just a little slow at catching on.

Speaker 26 So the raccoon breeders are just kind of like ahead of the curve.

Speaker 23 Yeah, they're ahead of the curve in Russia, where there is probably zero regulation for all exotic pets.

Speaker 51 I can't speak for South Korea.

Speaker 20 Tony, you fear for the safety of your eyes.

Speaker 15 You also brought some evidence. Can you present the evidence now, please?

Speaker 40 I sent the evidence in electronically. If I were to share it, it would have to be on my phone screen.

Speaker 11 We have screens here.

Speaker 9 This is a real theater.

Speaker 10 Ah.

Speaker 37 I would be happy to talk about it.

Speaker 6 The first image, do we have it up there, please?

Speaker 16 It'll be up there on the sides.

Speaker 29 There we are. That is a raccoon.

Speaker 22 A raccoon menacing a fish tank, I believe.

Speaker 30 Is this an actual image or a composite image that comes from your own fears?

Speaker 45 It comes from my own fears as well as Microsoft Paint.

Speaker 48 I'd say.

Speaker 45 Like 95% of that picture is actually real.

Speaker 26 That is our fish tank.

Speaker 57 So you have 95% of a fish tank in your home.

Speaker 45 Oh, and I mean, just everything but the raccoon is real.

Speaker 4 No, I, yeah.

Speaker 52 I think the raccoon is real too, isn't it?

Speaker 37 I figured it out.

Speaker 21 Different.

Speaker 15 It is an aspirational image.

Speaker 65 You're afraid that the raccoon.

Speaker 34 You already have fish.

Speaker 25 Right.

Speaker 34 And you're afraid the raccoon's going to eat the fish.

Speaker 73 Well, more than, you can't really eat the fish.

Speaker 47 You know what?

Speaker 18 The picture speaks about a dozen words and I just spoke them.

Speaker 43 You say yes, that's what they're saying.

Speaker 57 What are you trying to, what are you getting at?

Speaker 3 I just want to be honest with the court. It's not that he could eat the fish because the thing is enclosed, but he could tear all the tooth

Speaker 47 out of the back.

Speaker 23 Nothing is enclosed so far as a raccoon is concerned.

Speaker 45 I'm learning all kinds of things.

Speaker 22 Next image, please.

Speaker 34 Here we see a raccoon doing jazz hands

Speaker 30 with emphasis on hands.

Speaker 44 This is what Rey Suarez was talking about, Lauren.

Speaker 7 The incredible humanoid hands.

Speaker 15 Not only are they incredibly adept at opening locks and picking locks and opening safes, but also it gives them a rather unnerving

Speaker 30 look because they almost look human except for all the parts of their body which are animal-like.

Speaker 26 That is, I think that's one of the cutest things about them. You can watch videos and they'll lay on their backs and you can put a little pile of Cheerios on their stomach and they'll just.

Speaker 16 Yeah, but this is what you've seen on Instagram.

Speaker 29 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 44 Because I was sitting in my home in Park Slope, New York, and we have a sliding screen door out to a little ground floor garden that we have.

Speaker 15 And I was sitting there playing Scrabble with my wife, and I see this hand open the door.

Speaker 16 And the raccoon walks in and looks at us and looks around.

Speaker 30 And then he says in English,

Speaker 31 just so you know, I could kill you at any time.

Speaker 48 And then he turned around and walked out.

Speaker 26 But I would get one as a baby, and then it would be well trained to not mess with the fish tank and to not do bad things.

Speaker 31 Have you found a breeder that truly, in the United States, that sells raccoons for pets?

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 11 What's the name of this organization?

Speaker 55 I don't remember.

Speaker 26 But you can Google it right now.

Speaker 55 You can Google Raccoon Breeder and find some.

Speaker 26 No. They're like about $500.

Speaker 8 I'm not going to deploy my active tiny hands in that way.

Speaker 41 They're $500.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 8 So you would order me to have a raccoon in your house despite Tony's feelings of concern?

Speaker 26 I'm sure that once he met the baby raccoon and we raised it together, he would love it. So yeah, I would like for you to order him to go with me.

Speaker 26 I think the nearest breeder was in Tennessee, so like an eight or so hour drive.

Speaker 27 And we would get a baby raccoon and bring it back.

Speaker 3 Is any part of this about another creature that the two of you could have with adorable tiny hands?

Speaker 69 No.

Speaker 28 Good, because the raccoon would probably eat that one.

Speaker 8 Tony, what size of an apartment do you live in in Richmond, Virginia, or do you have a house?

Speaker 40 It's a condo.

Speaker 40 It's an old church, so it's pretty big inside, but it's not as big in floor space. But there's a lot of

Speaker 40 ceiling area, and I've seen pictures of raccoons when I was Googling.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 40 Where they are, like, hanging from ceilings and rafters, and it's terrifying.

Speaker 15 And do you share this condo with other people?

Speaker 6 Just the two of us. Oh, okay.

Speaker 27 All right, gotcha.

Speaker 16 If I were to order in your favor, Lauren, and the raccoon did not work out, would the breeder take it back?

Speaker 26 I'm sure every reputable breeder will take it back.

Speaker 38 Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably.

Speaker 37 Who doesn't want a used raccoon?

Speaker 22 They couldn't hack it in a human house.

Speaker 16 I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

Speaker 38 I'm going to go under the porch and roll around in some garbage.

Speaker 7 And when I come back, I'll give you my decision.

Speaker 3 Ladies and gentlemen, please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 27 Now,

Speaker 3 I have to say, Tony, it seems to me like you might sincerely be afraid of raccoons.

Speaker 2 Is that the case?

Speaker 45 Yeah, I don't think I'm trying to hide that.

Speaker 3 Are you worried the raccoon would do something to you?

Speaker 40 Yeah, most definitely.

Speaker 25 Like what?

Speaker 56 Well, like besides the eyes. I feel like that's a lot.

Speaker 36 Fair enough.

Speaker 2 Lauren, do you think you mentioned using Google to find raccoon breeders earlier?

Speaker 3 Do you think that you could use Google to find a different kind of animal that was also cute?

Speaker 59 Well, I...

Speaker 3 Like one that was normal to have in your house.

Speaker 26 I had two dogs when Tony and I moved in together.

Speaker 37 They weren't that cute?

Speaker 26 No, they were really cute. They were older, though, and they've both since passed away.
And so I just felt like it's an opportunity to do something different.

Speaker 26 Our neighborhood is kind of weird, and there's like a lady who has a pet goose that hangs out in her front yard with her.

Speaker 3 This is about keeping up with the Joneses.

Speaker 72 It is! It is!

Speaker 26 And so

Speaker 26 it would just be, I would be like the raccoon.

Speaker 3 She's just going to get a Cappy Barn.

Speaker 37 It's going to be on.

Speaker 26 It would just be so fun. Like everyone in the neighborhood would know us.
We would take a walk with the raccoon.

Speaker 3 Pretty soon you're going to be like Kelsey Grammar, just walking down the beach in Malibu in your underpants with a puma on a chain.

Speaker 2 Something like 1986, 7, 8, around then, when he was really a mess.

Speaker 3 Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all of this. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

Speaker 60 So

Speaker 19 I have a document that I would like to read to you.

Speaker 20 It is a statement from the Humane Society of the Bahamas.

Speaker 6 Where pumpkin's from?

Speaker 50 Where Laura, where pumpkin is from, yes, and also the humans that take care of pumpkin, who found pumpkin when pumpkin was orphaned as a baby and bottle-raised pumpkin to live with their dogs, Toffee and Oreo.

Speaker 18 It's a pretty adorable scene in the Bahamas.

Speaker 18 And in this forthcoming book of adorable pictures and very little text, some of the text includes a statement from the Humane Society of the Bahamas.

Speaker 11 Laura and Will are amazing animal lovers who've always put themselves in the forefront of helping animals and assisting the Bahamas Humane Society.

Speaker 8 Little pumpkin is just one of the many wonderful things they have done.

Speaker 38 You don't actually do a raccoon, but all right. At least,

Speaker 11 as president of the Bahamas Humane Society, I would like to remind people that although pumpkin is one of the cutest animals I've ever seen, it is not advisable to try to keep a raccoon as a pet in the pumpkin book.

Speaker 29 Now,

Speaker 35 did Laura pay the Humane Society to tell people to not get pet raccoons to safeguard her own Instagram following?

Speaker 10 Probably.

Speaker 31 But it does not discount the fact that raccoons do not have the history of domestication, of generations and generations of domestication and selective breeding that have allowed dogs and cats to become companion animals for for years and years and years.

Speaker 9 My concern is that you are rolling the dice with your little tiny raccoon hands.

Speaker 30 And there's another concern as well.

Speaker 15 Ray Suarez found the hands to be the scariest thing, but the hands aren't what's going to kill you.

Speaker 20 It's all the feces that that raccoon left.

Speaker 12 I learned when a raccoon turned my deck into a latrine

Speaker 33 from the internet that I am not allowed to touch raccoon poop.

Speaker 24 And so none of you are either, because it's toxic poison.

Speaker 23 70% of adult raccoons and 90% of juveniles harbor a parasitic roundworm that lays its eggs in the poop.

Speaker 73 And if you get those poop eggs into your body somehow, you might get infected with symptoms that include nausea, tiredness, this is from the CDC, liver enlargement, loss of coordination, lack of attention to people and and surroundings,

Speaker 68 loss of muscle control, blindness, and coma.

Speaker 38 And

Speaker 36 should a raccoon poop on your deck, it says treat decks and patios and other surfaces with boiling water or a propane flame gun.

Speaker 12 Now I have no doubt that your quote unquote reputable breeder is going to tell you, no, my raccoon does not have this round worm that every other raccoon in the world has.

Speaker 71 And they're certainly not going to provide you with a flame gun.

Speaker 32 This raccoon is not going to be pooping on your dick, but what, in a litter box in your house?

Speaker 38 Or like when you take it on walks.

Speaker 39 Here's what happens.

Speaker 23 When a cat poops in the litter box, you get toxoplasmosis, and then that parasite makes you want to get more cats.

Speaker 68 Raccoon poops in a box, that parasite gets into your brain, and all of a sudden you're in a coma.

Speaker 16 I really, and my research at least showed that it is not legal for you to have a raccoon as a pet in Virginia, Maryland, or the District of Columbia where we are now.

Speaker 42 Now, all of that said,

Speaker 31 there may be something that you know that I do not.

Speaker 6 You might have a secret plan to defeat the roundworm that you won't tell me about.

Speaker 20 You say that there's a permit you can get?

Speaker 58 All right.

Speaker 18 You say there's a reputable breeder?

Speaker 29 All All right.

Speaker 19 I think it's highly unadvisable that you do this because all you really want to do is become an Instagram star.

Speaker 18 And now all of a sudden, she let the record show that she nodded.

Speaker 18 Just kidding.

Speaker 19 Even though there might be some quasi-legal way for you to go about this, this is a huge investment and a real risk.

Speaker 22 And I don't think that it's something that you should undertake in Richmond, Virginia, when the person that you love lives in the house and wants to protect his fish and their fish tank tubes.

Speaker 23 So either you leave Tony and get your phony permit and go down with the ship and go into a coma on your own,

Speaker 57 or else you get an animal that has a reliable history of domestication and go and find and make friends with your Instagram friends and touch and pet their raccoons.

Speaker 30 I know someone who follows some very famous corgis on Instagram, and you can pay them some money to bring them to your party.

Speaker 50 That's good enough.

Speaker 36 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 18 You can pay to have celebrity corgis come to your party.

Speaker 47 I didn't do it, but I petted a corgi.

Speaker 30 That is your solution for now.

Speaker 16 Until then, no raccoons.

Speaker 42 This is the sound of a gabble.

Speaker 16 Judge John Hodgman rules the aid.

Speaker 76 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Ladies and gentlemen, Warren Tony, and a special thank you to broadcasting legend Ray Suarez.

Speaker 77 You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 77 Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

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Speaker 3 Judge Judge Hodgman, we could just adjudicate cases all night, or we could throw this audience a little bit of a curveball.

Speaker 18 Well, you know, I love sports metaphors.

Speaker 22 So let's kick them a curve, shuttlecock.

Speaker 42 Well, how about some music?

Speaker 65 I think that sounds great.

Speaker 18 We have a really special musical guest.

Speaker 11 It was absolutely surprising and impossible that he should be able to be here tonight because I looked on his website to see if he would be around, and he's supposed to be in another part of the country.

Speaker 8 But we move things around because he's actually performing on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night with his group at the grand opening of the National Museum of African American History and Culture this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Speaker 11 He's an incredible artist, and his name is Dom Flemons.

Speaker 44 He's one of the founding members of the Carolina Chocolate Drops, now a solo artist. His latest album is called Prospect Hill.

Speaker 11 It's an amazing album.

Speaker 12 He's playing with Dante and Brian, who are also amazing musicians.

Speaker 11 You can find out about his music at theamericansongster.com.

Speaker 15 Ladies Ladies and gentlemen, Dom Flemons, Brian Farrow, and Dante Pope.

Speaker 80 We're going to hit a song here called Till the Seas Run Dry. It's a pleasure to be here at the Howard Theater.

Speaker 74 You guys ready? Yep.

Speaker 64 All right.

Speaker 64 It's too late. I can't get along with you, honey, babe.

Speaker 64 Too late, seems that we've run out of time.

Speaker 64 So I'll always remember the love we shared?

Speaker 64 Gotta get you, baby, off my mind.

Speaker 64 Now get away, get away. I'm never gonna take you back.

Speaker 29 Not till the clocks run backwards and the seas run dry. You treated me like a fool and oh, so cruel.
But too late, baby, to try me one more time.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Let's get down to it, hold on.

Speaker 48 Boy, it sounds so good, get it one more time.

Speaker 48 All right, let's boys, let's take it home. Come on, let's do it.

Speaker 76 Ladies and gentlemen, the Don Flemings Trio

Speaker 3 Judge Hodgman, so far we've only dispensed one set of justice.

Speaker 12 That's right.

Speaker 11 One complete justice set has been dispersed.

Speaker 3 We're only going to be in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 2 tonight. I think we really need to pick up the pace.

Speaker 14 All right. What do you suggest?

Speaker 3 I suggest that we dispense our next set of justice in just 10 minutes.

Speaker 32 You're talking about swift justice.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's exactly what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 23 All right, bring out the next case.

Speaker 16 We'll get it done in 10.

Speaker 3 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michelle and John.

Speaker 67 Let the record show that Michelle and John have shown up with a lot of props,

Speaker 43 bags, and a creepy cooler as well.

Speaker 3 Let's show that Michelle and John are probably on their way to bring someone a much-needed kidney

Speaker 39 and a lasagna.

Speaker 49 So.

Speaker 29 Savory justice.

Speaker 36 Say it again.

Speaker 62 Savory justice.

Speaker 43 Savory justice.

Speaker 19 You must be John.

Speaker 25 That's correct. All right, I swear you in.

Speaker 15 Done. Michelle, I swear you in.

Speaker 44 Sorry, Bailiff Jesse.

Speaker 16 We got to move on.

Speaker 71 Swift justice.

Speaker 9 What is the nature of your dispute?

Speaker 24 Who is authorized to speak for you both?

Speaker 82 I'll speak for us since I sued my husband. For 25 years, we have had a dispute about the definition of chicken pot pie.

Speaker 16 It is not a sandwich.

Speaker 82 It is not a sandwich.

Speaker 65 Done.

Speaker 57 Are we done? Was that it?

Speaker 29 There There you go.

Speaker 62 Not quite.

Speaker 42 Well, what is your dispute about this most pressing issue?

Speaker 82 I come from Pennsylvania and in Pennsylvania.

Speaker 5 Thank you. Where in Pennsylvania are you from?

Speaker 82 I am from Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 41 Hershey, Pennsylvania, where a chicken pot pie is a chocolate souffle.

Speaker 82 Almost. All right.
So where I come from, chicken pot pie is a dish that has noodles in it.

Speaker 7 Thank you for bringing, by the way, visual aids.

Speaker 25 Let the record show that Michelle is holding up a copy, an enlargement of a page from Food and Wine.

Speaker 19 The headline is: Slow Cooker Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie.

Speaker 41 And we'll take that.

Speaker 35 I'll take that for the record.

Speaker 65 Next.

Speaker 82 We can just throw them all there if you'd like.

Speaker 59 No, no, no.

Speaker 22 Let's go on through.

Speaker 12 So we.

Speaker 30 The next piece of evidence is a transcript from Country Living, Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie.

Speaker 2 All right, I've examined the picture.

Speaker 13 Very good.

Speaker 11 Next.

Speaker 82 Boston Globe.

Speaker 18 Boston Globe, my hometown newspaper.

Speaker 50 Recipe for Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie.

Speaker 14 Okay, this is what I'm seeing here, and we'll just, I'll take that into evidence as well, that last one, there we go.

Speaker 11 What I am noticing with all of the wonderful, and thank you very much for the enlargements because I can't see the way I used to.

Speaker 11 All the wonderful evidence you produced here is that all of the images suggest

Speaker 19 chicken soup as opposed to chicken pot pie.

Speaker 71 They're all bowls of chunks of chicken in a broth.

Speaker 82 They are noodles cooked in a pot.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I'm talking about chicken soup.

Speaker 3 This is the crux of my countersuit, Your Honor.

Speaker 29 All right, let me.

Speaker 71 What is the...

Speaker 37 What is the problem?

Speaker 82 I do have some actual.

Speaker 82 My sister made this for you.

Speaker 23 Let the record show.

Speaker 14 We were just in Philadelphia last night

Speaker 12 talking with the director of the Mutter Museum of Medical Oddities.

Speaker 57 And let the record show that Michelle is attempting to hand me a specimen jar

Speaker 15 of an unspecified, opaque colloid that she calls pie.

Speaker 14 Joshua, I'm not going to rule in your favor, Michelle, but you're actually digging your hole right now.

Speaker 3 Josh Hoshman, please take care. The last time I was handed a jar like that on stage, it was by the director of that museum, and it did turn out to be full of flakes of human skin.

Speaker 82 This is a chicken pie. This is a what? A chicken pie.

Speaker 58 A chicken pie.

Speaker 82 Sorry, it's a little wet from the ice.

Speaker 6 But that's a chicken pie.

Speaker 82 See, it's even labeled chicken pie.

Speaker 15 All right, this is something that you picked up from

Speaker 8 Anvil, Pennsylvania, from, I'm guessing, a gas station.

Speaker 36 It is a fully cooked microwave chicken pie.

Speaker 57 And this is evidence of what exactly that there's a changing.

Speaker 82 There's a difference between a chicken pot pie and a chicken pie.

Speaker 50 Oh, so you're saying that in the Hershey, Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania Dutch tradition, chicken pot, the pot in chicken pot pie, connotes that it's the ingredients of a chicken pie, but made in a pot.

Speaker 59 I'll go with that.

Speaker 18 You should, because

Speaker 12 that almost convinced me.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 7 Now I'm on Michelle's side, John, and we've only got five minutes and 36 seconds left.

Speaker 9 What are you going to say?

Speaker 62 The crux of my countersuit, Your Honor, is that pie must, it implies crust, and that it actually is the origin of the dispute because Michelle brought home what she claimed to be.

Speaker 62 Thank you.

Speaker 62 And she brought home from Pennsylvania on one of a trip home very early in our relationship or early in our marriage,

Speaker 38 promising me. I'm just listening.

Speaker 11 I'm just examining the evidence on the floor over here.

Speaker 62 And I have further evidence as well. And a pie, according to Miriam, is a savory or sweet dish

Speaker 74 contained.

Speaker 37 According to Miriam, Merriam-Webster, the dictionary. Sixth grade speech and debate class

Speaker 3 you go with what you got

Speaker 62 I however have an actual pot pie

Speaker 32 let's see

Speaker 62 this would be an actual pot pie stand hand that over to me let the record show

Speaker 62 That was cooked earlier, but as

Speaker 19 let the record show that a chicken pot pie got almost as much applause as legendary broadcaster race horror

Speaker 15 This is a paper pie plate full of chicken mush with a crusty topping.

Speaker 7 You're pretty much stereotypical chicken pot pie.

Speaker 62 And furthering my contention that pie requires crust, we have a relatively local delicacy, tasty cake pie. This one is pumpkin, special edition.

Speaker 30 Tasty cake pumpkin pie from Philadelphia.

Speaker 62 Which you will note is entirely enclosed in crust.

Speaker 38 And other things.

Speaker 11 It's also enclosed in a gamma-ray-proof box.

Speaker 62 I had also submitted some electronic evidence, an expert testimony from noted American cuisine expert Guy Fieri.

Speaker 18 Yes, and

Speaker 23 I refuse to share that evidence.

Speaker 82 I'd like to note that Alton Brown recognizes Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie as a form of chicken pot pie?

Speaker 11 Well, I was going to say that comparing all the evidence here on the floor, all of these chicken soup recipes that you're giving me are identified specifically as Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie.

Speaker 30 So the question really is,

Speaker 70 is chicken pot pie called pot pie because it's made in a pot?

Speaker 22 Is that the variation such that an open-face sandwich, which isn't a sandwich but is a variation of a sandwich, that uses the term open face, that that pot

Speaker 18 invalidates the pie aspect, which I think we all agree is something that has a crust?

Speaker 22 Or is Pennsylvania Dutch the additional term you need in order to make this chicken soup into chicken pot pie?

Speaker 19 And I'm not sure that either of you did a full historical etymological research into the history of the term chicken pot pie, did you?

Speaker 82 I actually left it on my table because I didn't want to overwhelm you with evidence, but I did.

Speaker 47 I knew we had five minutes.

Speaker 24 This is like an O.

Speaker 68 Henry story.

Speaker 25 It's like, you brought me

Speaker 36 a jar of chicken mush,

Speaker 50 a microwave garbage from a gas station, a tasty cake, a fresh chicken pot pie, and five basic whiteboards of information. And the one thing,

Speaker 53 the one thing that would have won your case

Speaker 16 is on the table.

Speaker 37 Where is your table?

Speaker 82 It's right down there.

Speaker 46 Quick!

Speaker 74 Quick!

Speaker 39 Run or I'm going to execute this woman.

Speaker 3 Get this evidence to the jailhouse immediately.

Speaker 15 Well, you've given me a huge chunk of text.

Speaker 12 The only thing that you have highlighted here for my perusal is this sentence.

Speaker 22 Ole Valley Community Benefit Association that can boast an attendance of 1,500 or more people to eat or take out.

Speaker 12 It's not even a complete sentence.

Speaker 82 That was evidence that chicken pot pie is also a phenomenon in Pennsylvania Dutch history.

Speaker 66 Here is the ruling:

Speaker 73 you have established that there is a distinct variation of chicken pot pie called Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie.

Speaker 29 It is soup.

Speaker 36 It is a stew, a crustless stew,

Speaker 31 that you can call pie in Pennsylvania as long as you call it Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie, so that it will not be confused with what we all recognize is chicken pot pie.

Speaker 38 How about in Maryland where we live?

Speaker 5 Be quiet, sir.

Speaker 61 As long as you call it Pennsylvania Dutch chicken pot pie, you can serve soup. If you call it chicken pot pie,

Speaker 23 it's gotta have a crust. This is a sound of gavel.

Speaker 76 With 21 seconds to spare, ladies and gentlemen, Michelle and John.

Speaker 83 You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years. And

Speaker 83 maybe you stopped listening for a while. Maybe you never listened.
And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years. I know where this has ended up.
But no.

Speaker 84 No, you would be wrong. We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Speaker 83 Yeah. You don't even really know how crypto works.

Speaker 85 The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

Speaker 84 We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

Speaker 26 And if not, we just leave it out back.

Speaker 84 It goes rotten.

Speaker 83 So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 86 All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything.
So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics?

Speaker 87 Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 86 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Speaker 29 Episode 64.

Speaker 86 So how close are we to learning everything?

Speaker 86 Bad news. We still haven't learned everything yet.

Speaker 64 Oh, we're ruined!

Speaker 86 No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.
Woo!

Speaker 29 I'm Dr.

Speaker 86 Ella Hubber.

Speaker 62 I'm regular Tom Long.

Speaker 86 I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else, too.

Speaker 86 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Speaker 62 Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 31 What's next in the Swift Justice category?

Speaker 3 Well, Judge Hodgman, we've handled one case in 10 minutes, but can we handle three cases in 10 minutes?

Speaker 31 Yes, I think we can.

Speaker 3 Well, let's start the clock and introduce our first case, ladies and gentlemen, Laura Ruth and Abby.

Speaker 88 Laura Ruth and Abby.

Speaker 67 Jesse Thornton Swear as you in, say yes.

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 4 Good. There it's done.

Speaker 24 You may be seated.

Speaker 38 Laura, which is Laura Ruth.

Speaker 4 How do you do?

Speaker 17 I do very well. How are you?

Speaker 41 Good, thank you.

Speaker 9 What is the dispute about?

Speaker 87 I believe we have a very fundamentally flawed electoral process, and I wish to abstain from voting in the presidential election this year.

Speaker 88 You want to abstain?

Speaker 87 And I want Abby to leave me alone.

Speaker 87 I want her to let me make my choice to not vote and leave me alone because that's a choice that I have, and I think that that's a better choice than choosing something so that I don't have to choose another thing.

Speaker 87 That's not a real choice.

Speaker 3 I'd like to mention right now, I think this is the perfect time, that we do have rotten tomatoes for sale at the back bar.

Speaker 87 I know this is contentious. It's Washington, D.C.
I'm ready to be blacklisted, but that's how I feel.

Speaker 15 You have a problem with the electoral process?

Speaker 18 Is it a problem with the Electoral College?

Speaker 87 That's just one tiny part of it.

Speaker 41 Yeah, so the Electoral College is actually a pretty good college.

Speaker 39 It's actually pretty nice.

Speaker 47 But the town of Electoral is a shit hole.

Speaker 9 What would you say if the Electoral College is just a tiny portion of what's the big problem, such that you feel as a protest, you will not participate in our representative democracy?

Speaker 87 Well, I have a really big problem with the fact that it's a two-party system, and being a D.C. resident, our primary election wasn't even until late June.

Speaker 87 So by then, I didn't have a choice even in the primary candidate. So I feel like I have no real voice and no choice in the matter.

Speaker 43 Well, there's definitely a choice to be made.

Speaker 29 I

Speaker 87 But I think that it limits our real options when you have to choose one thing just so you don't get stuck with a worse, and I fully agree that there is a worse option.

Speaker 87 Yeah, but I don't think that that's a real choice. And I feel like I'm tired of it, and it's been like that since I've been a voting adult, and I'm tired of participating in that kind of process.

Speaker 44 It didn't actually just start when you were born.

Speaker 55 No. No.

Speaker 24 You're

Speaker 36 engaging in how little the process is concerned with your life.

Speaker 6 Forever.

Speaker 17 It's not about me?

Speaker 15 Yeah, no, it's not in some ways about you.

Speaker 16 But that's all right.

Speaker 24 And say your name again, please.

Speaker 26 I'm Abby, and I am Laura Ruth's work wife.

Speaker 26 So I cry.

Speaker 74 Where do you guys work?

Speaker 6 The White House.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 87 We work for a childbirth education organization.

Speaker 11 When my wife was giving birth, she wanted me to be in the room with her, and I said, I actually have some problems with the system.

Speaker 16 You're the work wife, and you argue what?

Speaker 26 I think that voting is important because it's our only way to influence down-ticket elections and also to become engaged in our own electoral process.

Speaker 26 And if, like me, you were upset this primary season, like every other primary season, that the system isn't great, I hope you'll join me in the general election, or I mean, after the general election in 2017, petitioning the DNC to make some changes, et cetera.

Speaker 10 Well, let me tell you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off and mansplain you.

Speaker 9 But let me tell you what's true.

Speaker 8 There's no mansplaining like white mansplaining.

Speaker 18 You're getting the best stuff right now.

Speaker 3 White mansplaining don't stop.

Speaker 10 True.

Speaker 52 Very true.

Speaker 33 I'll tell you what I think.

Speaker 8 I think that I appreciate that there are tremendous systemic problems in our voting system for sure.

Speaker 19 I don't believe that change happens by sitting out.

Speaker 11 And I do think that there is a profound choice to be made, especially in this election.

Speaker 19 I'm sure people who are voting for the candidate that I'm not voting for feel the same.

Speaker 33 And

Speaker 19 I think that it's important.

Speaker 56 I think it's very, very important to do it.

Speaker 19 But it is your right as a citizen to not vote.

Speaker 24 I think

Speaker 11 it's not a decision that I respect, but

Speaker 67 I respect your right to make it.

Speaker 23 But what would you have me rule that Abby has to shut up about it?

Speaker 26 I will if you rule that.

Speaker 72 I guess I'll ask you to.

Speaker 10 I'm asking for a Ruth

Speaker 51 who has agency.

Speaker 51 Stop work wife explaining things to her.

Speaker 48 What would you have me rule?

Speaker 29 Yeah, I wouldn't have. I heard what I had to say.

Speaker 87 I would like permission to not vote and to not have to feel like I'm the worst human ever ever who didn't do a single good thing for society just because I'm not voting.

Speaker 87 There's a billion things I do that are good.

Speaker 37 I work for a nonprofit.

Speaker 87 I donate to causes that are important to me. I do a lot of good things.
I don't think the only way to do good things for our society is to vote. So I would.

Speaker 28 Do you intend to engage in the political system?

Speaker 87 Yeah, and I do. Yeah, I'll vote.
I just don't want to vote for the president. I'll vote for my advisory neighborhood commission.
I'll vote for all kinds of other things. I just, that's the main one.

Speaker 87 So, so, yes, I'm perfectly willing to put it in.

Speaker 34 Here's the deal.

Speaker 19 Abby, she's not going to vote for president.

Speaker 12 You and I both feel that's a terrible decision.

Speaker 44 But our friends make terrible decisions sometimes. And as long as she's not causing harm to herself, just to others, apparently.

Speaker 74 Just everyone else.

Speaker 15 There's nothing you can do. I find in favor of Laura Ruth, unfortunately.

Speaker 76 Our next case, Nyla and Dylan.

Speaker 38 Hello.

Speaker 12 Normally I do not allow children into my courtroom because

Speaker 7 that is the province of Judge John Hodgman Child Court.

Speaker 15 Juvie Judge John Hodgman, which is a spin-off that I have just invented and may do,

Speaker 15 depending on how this works out.

Speaker 33 But

Speaker 15 I heard from this family, they have disputes, they have a problem, and we need to get it sorted out.

Speaker 16 So which one of you is Nyla?

Speaker 8 He. Nyla.
And Dylan?

Speaker 35 Yes. And okay.
And how old are you, Dylan?

Speaker 13 I'm 14. 14?

Speaker 4 And Nyla, how old are you? Eight.

Speaker 11 Eight. And you have something that you would like to read to the court?

Speaker 27 Yeah. Is that correct?

Speaker 35 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 15 Does it need any setup? No. Okay.

Speaker 15 I think it's self-explanatory, right? Yeah.

Speaker 13 So lean right on into the mic.

Speaker 89 Dear dad.

Speaker 48 Wait a minute.

Speaker 23 Stop pushing her around.

Speaker 44 Your older sister's telling you what to do. Your mom's telling you.

Speaker 56 Mom and dad,

Speaker 69 go over there.

Speaker 54 Go stand by the double bass.

Speaker 3 Also, she should be allowed to go to the mall by herself.

Speaker 6 Her friends are already there.

Speaker 16 Well, no, no, don't be sitting on anyone's,

Speaker 51 no, don't be sitting on the drum set.

Speaker 6 All right, we're good.

Speaker 27 You're good.

Speaker 6 All right, please go ahead.

Speaker 89 Dear Judge Hodgman, my name is Nyla and I'm eight years old. I like to listen to Hamilton constantly.
I like it in the car, on the phone.

Speaker 69 Hold on, Tyler, Tyler.

Speaker 6 Pause. Hold for applause.

Speaker 13 When you hear them going, you just take a moment and soak it in.

Speaker 23 I've found in my performing experience, if you're ever feeling bad and you want to get a lot of applause, you just say, Hamilton.

Speaker 3 And now is the perfect time to feel good. Pretty soon, you'll be a teenager like your sister, and everyone will resent you.

Speaker 48 All right, go ahead.

Speaker 89 I like it in the car, on the phone, and in our house. My sister, Dylan, she is 14 years old, likes to listen to Hamilton, but she only likes to listen to it about once a week.

Speaker 89 She says we need an equal amount of different music. What is the right amount of Hamilton?

Speaker 7 I find in Nyla's favorite.

Speaker 7 You get taken Hamilton all you want.

Speaker 31 Any amount that you enjoy is the right amount.

Speaker 51 And I'm sorry that you have

Speaker 51 parents and older sisters who are trying to limit your exposure to Hamilton.

Speaker 13 And I'm sending, I took a picture of you and I'm going to send it to Lynn-Manuel Miranda tonight.

Speaker 16 And I'm going to

Speaker 67 send him a copy of your essay.

Speaker 16 And I'm going to crop you out of the picture.

Speaker 51 Sorry.

Speaker 67 Thank you very much for joining.

Speaker 61 We've got to move on. We have one minute left for the next case.

Speaker 76 From episode 194 of Judge Sean Hodgman, do you want to hoard some snow globes?

Speaker 3 Please welcome Sean and Jamie.

Speaker 67 Sean and Jamie.

Speaker 3 Jamie, you may remember, wanted to devote an entire room in their house to the movie Frozen.

Speaker 3 Sean took him to court because he felt that Jamie's obsession with Frozen was getting out of hand. He wanted a room dedicated to Frozen.

Speaker 3 Judge Hodgman ruled that Jamie could have the frozen room, but he had to make sure to keep all frozen items in that room. Sean, Jamie, what's your dispute now?

Speaker 17 He didn't do it.

Speaker 67 Have you had frozen room mission creep?

Speaker 62 Frozen room mission creep in the house, outside of the house.

Speaker 62 My aunt, he's not to fault for this, sent us an eight-foot-tall blow-up Elsa statue.

Speaker 3 Was in our front yard at Christmas.

Speaker 66 Not to be a Scrooge. I let it happen, but I would like some justice.

Speaker 90 If I might add, we won awards for that frozen decoration outside in our front yard.

Speaker 28 What did you win?

Speaker 75 The green award for using wind power in our house?

Speaker 17 Which had nothing to do with Elsa.

Speaker 3 And also came in second place in the whole town.

Speaker 2 Just saying. And first place in the category most frozen.

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 38 I thought it was a little mid-nose.

Speaker 42 And

Speaker 23 what town is this?

Speaker 21 Hyattsville, Maryland.

Speaker 38 Hyattsville, Maryland.

Speaker 36 Why can't you keep your frozen stuff in your frozen room?

Speaker 47 Because people keep sending me things.

Speaker 39 It's because of the incredible popularity of this podcast.

Speaker 32 Exactly.

Speaker 34 Yeah, a way to flatter the court.

Speaker 90 And I actually brought this for you, but then that little girl, Nyla, back there, she told me that our episode was her favorite, and so I'd like to give it to her.

Speaker 69 Yeah, please do. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 61 Nyla, come back out. She's still there.

Speaker 51 She's still there.

Speaker 57 We'll hand that up.

Speaker 67 Let the record show.

Speaker 67 Let the record show, a child was made happy.

Speaker 30 And at least one piece of frozen merchandise was Marie Kondo'd out of this house.

Speaker 28 Jamie? Yes.

Speaker 41 We had an agreement.

Speaker 18 I know. You got to keep your froze in your froze room.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 18 Get it all up in there.

Speaker 10 Okay. What?

Speaker 90 Can I just ask, because he's been kind of horrible about having control over literally everything else in the house.

Speaker 72 You're the Disney hero.

Speaker 37 You're the Disney hero.

Speaker 66 He's the Disney villain.

Speaker 61 Enjoy the narrative.

Speaker 67 Get the frozen stuff in the room.

Speaker 76 Ladies and gentlemen, Sean and Jamie.

Speaker 3 Somehow, even more adorable in real life.

Speaker 76 We're coming up on the end of our show, Jesse.

Speaker 3 But I think we can make some more time for our friend Dom Flemings, don't you?

Speaker 74 Yes, please.

Speaker 76 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage the Dom Flemings trio.

Speaker 80 Well, thank you, folks. Pleasure to be back, you know.
Judge John Hodgman, ain't he great?

Speaker 80 Well, folks, in all my travels, you know, I've written a lot of different songs about things I've seen, and this is one of the ones I get requested to play the most.

Speaker 80 This is a song about food and that's probably why. This is about a dish in,

Speaker 80 well, it was in East Nashville, Tennessee. Now it's become the culinary darling of the entire country.

Speaker 1 It's a dish called hot chicken.

Speaker 80 All right, we've got some fans of hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Okay, okay.

Speaker 80 For you folks who aren't hip to it, it's a fried chicken dish. And so not only is it fried, but you fry it with a batter that's made with cayenne powder.

Speaker 26 So it's hot.

Speaker 80 And not only that, after it's fried, it's rolled around in cayenne powder after that. So it's even hotter.
And it's said to bring on hallucinations if you get extra hot.

Speaker 80 I just had medium, and it left such an impression on me, I had to write this next song. One called Hot Chicken.
All right, boys, let's get it.

Speaker 75 One, two,

Speaker 38 Mr. Run the mother hen, said cocka, doodle-doo.

Speaker 72 Mother hen, say, you dern, old fool, my fricacy ain't for you.

Speaker 72 You ought to get hot chicken.

Speaker 72 You ought to get hot chicken.

Speaker 72 Cause if you want hot chicken, East Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 72 Jack Rabbit run the healer monster, run him a solid mile.

Speaker 72 Healer monster turned around and said, you know, hey, Buck, this running ain't my kind of style. You ought to get hot chicken.

Speaker 72 You ought to get hot hot chicken,

Speaker 72 because if you want hot chicken, East Nashville, Tennessee

Speaker 3 Young man knocked on the window glass,

Speaker 3 old man gave him the eyes.

Speaker 3 He said, Boy, you done had your fun with my wife. Quit knocking on my blinds and goin' and get your hot chicken.

Speaker 3 Don't mistake her for hot chicken, don't you?

Speaker 72 But we gotta go,

Speaker 72 East Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 29 Oh, yeah, Rocky.

Speaker 29 All right, get along, Brad Farrell.

Speaker 29 Give me the room, boys.

Speaker 29 Old man Ladies Phil down,

Speaker 29 wine glass in his hand.

Speaker 29 He said, Times have gotten so damn hot that I can't no longer dance.

Speaker 29 I gotta keep me hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Doctor suggested hot chicken.

Speaker 29 When I gonna go, East Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 29 Little frog hopped by my feet.

Speaker 29 Big tear in his eye.

Speaker 29 He said, I can't believe my own true love told me to hop on by.

Speaker 29 Let's get hot chicken.

Speaker 29 I think she suspected hot chicken. When I hopped into

Speaker 29 East Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 29 Woo, babe, I'm hot to get hot chicken, hot, hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Now hot chicken, hot, hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Now hot chicken, hot, hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Well, now hot, hot chicken, yeah.

Speaker 29 Hot, hot chicken now.

Speaker 29 Now you listen to WDO them coming at you from East Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 29 When they ain't got no neck bones, they got no chitlins in the pot. All they got here is a chicken that's awfully hot.
Way down to East Nashville, Tennessee. Come and and see us sometime.

Speaker 29 And we sang, sang, sang, sing.

Speaker 29 Hot, hot, chicken. Get out, boy, get out.

Speaker 29 I'm on a kit, now the chicken, a hot, hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Now hot a chicken, a hot, hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Now hot a chicken, a hot, hot chicken.

Speaker 29 Oh, now hot, hot chicken, chicken. Yeah.

Speaker 29 Hot, hot chicken. Deedlet and needle of beetle of bone.

Speaker 29 Thank you so much, folks.

Speaker 80 Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce back onto the stage the man himself, Judge John Hodgman.

Speaker 68 Don Flemings and the Don Flemings trio ladies gentlemen

Speaker 88 This is a song

Speaker 20 that we started playing at our live events in San Francisco.

Speaker 18 It's a song by the Handsome Family and it has nothing to do with the law, though it's sort of the least judgmental song I know.

Speaker 18 I had nothing

Speaker 18 to say

Speaker 18 on Christmas Day

Speaker 18 when you threw your clothes in the snow.

Speaker 18 You burned your hair,

Speaker 18 knocked over chairs. I just tried to stay out of your way

Speaker 18 when you fell asleep with

Speaker 18 blood on your teeth.

Speaker 18 I got in my car and drove away.

Speaker 18 Listen to me,

Speaker 18 butterfly.

Speaker 18 There is only

Speaker 18 so much wine

Speaker 18 you can drink

Speaker 18 in one life.

Speaker 18 It'll never

Speaker 18 be

Speaker 18 enough

Speaker 18 to save you from the bottom of your glass.

Speaker 18 Take it now.

Speaker 18 Where the state highway starts,

Speaker 18 I parked my car, I got out

Speaker 18 to look at the stars

Speaker 18 as meteors died,

Speaker 18 shot across the sky.

Speaker 18 I thought about

Speaker 18 your sad and shining eyes.

Speaker 18 I came back for my clothes as the sun finally arose.

Speaker 18 You were still passed out on the floor,

Speaker 18 listen to me,

Speaker 18 but earth cry.

Speaker 18 There is only

Speaker 18 much wine

Speaker 18 you can't drink

Speaker 18 in one life.

Speaker 18 It will never

Speaker 18 be

Speaker 18 enough

Speaker 18 to save you from the bottom of your glass.

Speaker 18 Listen to me,

Speaker 18 butterfly.

Speaker 18 There is only

Speaker 18 so so much

Speaker 18 wine

Speaker 18 you can drink

Speaker 18 in one life.

Speaker 18 It'll never

Speaker 18 be

Speaker 18 enough

Speaker 18 to save you from the bottom of your glass.

Speaker 67 Don Flemings, Don Flemings trio, Brian Farrow,

Speaker 56 Dante Pope.

Speaker 67 How about one more from these guys, if you will?

Speaker 88 All right, yeah.

Speaker 76 Thank you, John.

Speaker 67 Ladies and gentlemen, here they go.

Speaker 64 Well, folks,

Speaker 80 such one is such a wonderful historic theater, we've decided to do a song taking it way, way back.

Speaker 80 Now, this is a song that's called Kicking Up the Devil on a Holiday. And this is a song that was

Speaker 80 from the John Briggs banjo instructor from 1865.

Speaker 80 And so we're going to get Brian set up here. He's going to pull out his fiddle, give us a little bit of melody.

Speaker 80 And then Dante and I are going to be playing an instrument called the rhythm bones. So these are cow rib bones here,

Speaker 80 you know, chopped down to this size here. And we hold them between the fingers.
And when you hold them like so, you can move your wrist and get a little clicking sound.

Speaker 29 And then you can swing it.

Speaker 80 But we're going to do a little bit of that for you right now. How you doing?

Speaker 1 Come on up here so people can hear you.

Speaker 63 Don't worry,

Speaker 80 they're going to hear the bones.

Speaker 80 Amen.

Speaker 80 Let's feel golden

Speaker 80 tide with a heavy name.

Speaker 1 Our thanks to the Dom Flemings trio for playing some really wonderful music for us in Washington, D.C. Thanks also to Ray Suarez for sharing his expert raccoon testimony.

Speaker 1 We also want to give a shout out to the great Linda Holmes from NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour, who was kind enough to introduce us at the show.

Speaker 1 You didn't hear that on tape, but it was really wonderful. Thank you, Linda, and thanks to NPR PCH.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Rachel Karch, for naming this week's dispute rabias corpus. To name a future case for Judge John Hodgman, like us on Facebook.
We're always putting out calls for submissions.

Speaker 1 This week's episode was produced by Danielle Davis, Matthew Barnhart, and Jennifer Marmer.

Speaker 1 To submit a case to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, go to maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho or email hodgman at maximumfund.org. We're on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.
And that's about it.

Speaker 1 We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 36 MaximumFund.org.

Speaker 27 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 17 Artist-owned.

Speaker 36 Listener-supported.