Robe Hate Court

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, robe hate court.

Snowflake brings the case against her husband, Og.

Og has worn the same bathrobe for the last 25 years, and Snowflake would like him to get rid of it.

Og says it's a perfectly good robe, and he wants to keep it.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

And then, one Thursday, some 2,000 years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a fake internet judge sitting in his own small office in Brooklyn suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time.

And he finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place.

And this time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in.

Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he knows only his own judicial robes?

I do.

I do.

Very well.

Judge Hodgman.

They're the only clothes that I wear.

No mysterious undergarments of any kind.

Well, I mean, when it's really cold, you wear thermals.

When it's really cold, I light a small fire between my legs.

That sounded wrong.

I mean, on the floor.

You know what?

Oh, boy.

Never mind.

Smells like an ogue, you may be seated.

Well, before I even go into that, let me just say, Robe Hate Court.

is,

I have to say, as

hard a time I have with puns i ended up loving this one precisely because it took me 35 minutes to get it it's like probate court get it but it's robate court i just got it also i know i got it right away and two people sent it in i couldn't imagine why this thing was on there i'm glad you did snowflake i couldn't imagine why this thing was on there on the list of suggested case names and i thought maybe someone had gone crazy but then i realized two people sent it in both andrew mcnair and the suspiciously named Brick Sprickley.

So

I realized something was going.

There was something I was missing.

If Brick and McNair could get this,

I would be able to get it.

Eventually I realized it was a joke on probate court.

Very, very funny, you guys.

Thank you very much.

We'll tell you how to submit your case names at the end of this thing.

That's called a tease.

But right now.

We have Snowflake and Og,

who may, as far as I know, be related to Brick Sprickley.

They're certainly similarly suspiciously named.

Let's just say,

atypically named in a beautiful way.

For an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors, can either of you, nerds, name the piece of culture that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom, Og, spelled O G E for those of you following along at home.

You are the defendant in this case, so you get to either guess first or make Snowflake guess first.

Which shall it be?

I will allow Snowflake to guess first.

Whoa,

Pretty condescending.

All right, Snowflake.

Snowflake, the name that has become an insult in the alt-right community in the past year.

Snowflake, what is your guess?

Well, given that I don't have a formal religious background, I'm going to guess that it is a quote from the Bible for dummies.

The Bible for dummies.

I'm writing that down in the guess book.

And now, Og, I think you're going to come in and try to steal this one.

What's What's your guess, Og?

I'm going to guess that this is a quote from a previous season of the Judge John Hodgman show.

Oh, there is precedent for that.

A previous episode of Judge John Hodgman.

No specific episode noted.

So since that is...

Barely a guess, it's fair to say that that one is wrong and the Bible for dummies is wrong.

And while it would be grammatically correct to say both answers are wrong, I'll say all answers are wrong.

Judge Hodgman, I think I know this one.

Oh, Jesse, would you like to make a guess?

Yeah, is it from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Jesse Thorne brings it home.

You know, seriously, Jesse, I thought

I have some details about the case in front of me, including the fact that Oag's hobbies...

include painting Star Wars action figures, photographing and customizing the figures,

and recently starting the flying trapeze.

So I thought if there was ever anyone on the Judge John Hodgen podcast who was going to guess a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, it probably was going to be Og.

Instead, it was Jesse Thorne.

It is from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

And the reason that I chose the quote, Jesse, can you guess?

Well, because of

the robe that What's His Face wears?

Do you like, by the way, that...

I recognized a quote from the book.

Can I

remember the

main character's name in the book.

Arthur Dent, the main human character in the book, wears a bathrobe throughout the entire book and maybe the entire series.

Arthur Dent, who was portrayed by the great actor Simon Jones in the TV show, which was where I was introduced to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, whom I got...

There are only a couple of people that I forced to take a photograph with me.

One of them was Simon Jones wearing a robe backstage at the live Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy show

in Edinburgh that I attended,

in which Neil Gaiman played the part of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

It was a dope nerd show.

And the other one was backstage at the Solid Sound Festival,

of the Wilco Solid Sound Festival, with Neil Finn of Split Ends and Crowded House.

Only because I knew it would blow Jonathan Colton's mind.

That's it.

Those are the only two that I can think of at the moment.

Anyway, Og and Snowflake.

You did not guess the Chickers Guide of the Galaxy, so we are going to hear this dispute about your robe, Og,

specifically a robe that Snowflake is tired of.

Snowflake, what's the problem with the robe?

Well, the first problem with the robe is that it's 25 years old, which I think most reasonable people would agree is the upper limits of any piece of clothing's functionality.

Well, you know, you're talking to the purveyor of one of the finest men's fashion blogs and web shows put this on.

And

a thrift store and vintage clothing hound, Bail of Jesse Thorne.

So I'm going to wonder whether 25 years is the, even the midlife of some of the things that Jesse Thorne puts on his frame.

That's fair.

So, Oak, you got a 25-year-old robe.

How old are you, Oak?

I am 42.

42.

And you guys are married?

Is that correct?

We are married.

And does this robe, I presume,

predates your marriage?

Is that right, Starbucks?

It predates our marriage.

It predates our entire relationship.

So this is something that you have carried along with you since how old did you get it?

I'm not going to do the math.

What's 42 minus 25?

Quick, Oak.

You do Star Wars thing.

I got it when I was,

I believe, a junior in high school.

My mom gave it to me for Christmas.

Oh, your mom gave you a robe for Christmas.

And then you met Snowflake.

Snowflake, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm just curious.

Is Snowflake the name that was given to you by your parents or one that you have taken on for purposes of podcast anonymity?

This is the name that my parents gave me the day I was born.

Oh, it's so great.

How do they feel about the the fact that all those Pepe the Frogs on Twitter are calling everyone else snowflakes for wanting safe spaces because they're not getting over the selection?

I think that is a very unfortunate turn of events in a sea of unspeakably unfortunate events.

No, I think it's the worst thing that's happened this year.

You have to go through this now.

Well, I can't, I'm not going to be worried that many people across the country are going to think Snowflake is a good name to name their children, though, so I can continue to be the only one.

You are a special little snowflake who hates her husband's robe.

And you've been married for how long?

We've been married for 13 years, 2003.

So it'll be 14 this year.

Happy anniversary.

You live where in this world?

We live deep in the heart of Texas, Austin, Texas.

It's not really the heart.

It's the blue heart of Texas.

It's the bluest vein in the body of Texas.

I like Austin, Texas very much.

In Austin, how would you characterize the stars at night?

Well, I would say they're

large and shiny.

Big and bright.

There you go.

Then you have to do the clap.

Yeah, we've all seen Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

We know how Texas works.

Deep in the blue vein of Texas.

All right.

So there you live down there.

This whole thing hinges on the robe.

I could talk to you guys all day about your names and your lives, and maybe will, but I got to take a look at this robe.

You sent in some evidence.

We will have this posted at the Judge John Hodgman page on maximumfund.org.

Evidence submitted by Snowflake, quote, here are multiple shots of Darth Robe.

A Darth Robe?

The robe has a name, Og?

Yes, yes.

I don't remember how it got its name.

It's had it for quite a while.

Well, I'll leave it to the listener's imagination as to what color it is, given that it is called Darth Robe.

If you are excessively unimaginative, or just trying to pay attention to the road, I'll tell you it is black.

Or certainly began as black.

Now it is.

There are certainly frayed parts that have taken on a silver quality, and it looks like it is a purposefully silver.

collar area.

And there's nothing more to say about it other than it's a black robe.

The pocket looks a little frayed.

Tell me, Snowflake, what I'm seeing.

In this first photo, the robe is hanging on,

looks like a door frame and not your husband.

And there seems to be some fraying on this pocket, and then there's like a bit that seems to be hanging on by a literal thread.

What's happening there?

Yeah, so the belt loops.

are neither none of the belt loops are functional.

So that shot just shows them sort of dangling off the side of the robe right right right so and other shots that I submitted show the fact that og has to bunch up the belt and shove it in the pocket because he can't keep it connected to the robe when it's hanging up and then when he puts the robe on he just ties it around its waist.

Oh, right.

Because I do have an image here of the robe closed.

In this case, it is being worn by your door frame of a husband.

He's a very tall, skinny guy.

I cannot speak to the beauty of his face or toes because they are both cut out.

It's for internet anonymity.

So rather, it basically is a gentleman standing in a hallway and bare feet, his toes cut off, his head cut off at his chin, wearing Darth robe and holding a little mug.

It's a good thing you're married because this is the worst Tinder profile pic of all time.

But you have you, I cannot see here, but because your robe is all black unless it camouflages itself, but the belt, the black belt has been,

you have wrapped it around your waist and tied it to hold it there, but it cannot stay there, untie it because it has no more functioning loops.

I will admit that,

so I will say that the robe gets repaired by a tailor once every five to ten years, and I will admit that it is in need of

its every five to ten years tailoring repairs need of its of its bi-decadal servicing that's right yeah so it'll you know we're we're right around the corner from that

where what tailor are you going to with this old dank robe and well here's a plug ace tailor austin texas best tailor in austin texas buzz market that right up

yeah i'm sure they're gonna want to have pictures of this robe up in their shop look what look what we failed to do

failed to fix this robe one of the things they do is they tie the they reattach the loops to the side of the robe and they also

fix up some seams maybe reattach the lining

and this is a five or ten year process yeah it only needs it once every five or ten years right so if I were to find in your favor you would you would want me to order you to take this thing for its servicing and get another five or ten years out of it, at least, and that Snowflake can't complain about it.

That would be just fine.

Like a precious little Snowflake needing her safe space.

Without this triggering robe around.

And as long as we're going for what we would really like

in the judgment, you know, maybe I order her to just wear it once or twice a year.

You want her to wear the robe?

Well, see, up until this point, I've never asked for that, but after being dragged into court over the robe,

maybe that's a judgment I'm looking for.

So it's not that you want to wear the robe you want to wear the robe because you want her to enjoy the comfort that you enjoy this is this is vengeance

this is a vent a vengeance a spite wear that you're asking for you truly are sith darth robe

uh

yeah um well uh snowflake uh the a woman in a heteronormative relationship wearing the man's robe

is a rom-com staple.

It's definitely a signal that things are getting more serious or they just had some intimate time having fun together.

Why don't you want to wear this robe, Snowflake?

Well, that brings me to a couple of other points about talk to me about the things I can't see, but maybe could smell.

So, yes, so it's not just that it's old.

It's also falling apart.

And then there is an axiom I would like to introduce, which is called marital common space.

And I think what you wear and oral hygiene and personal hygiene and like picking your stuff up off the ground, all of this is like your marital common space.

And Darth Robe is

offensive to the marital common space in a few different areas.

One of which is just aesthetic, and then one of which is also hygienic.

So it's not like completely filthy, but it's also, if you've ever been to Austin, Texas, you know that Austin, Texas is like hot or crushingly hot with about two weeks of springtime in January.

And so there's no reason to wear like whatever

number of bolts of fabric have gone into this terry cloth robe

in Texas.

And so I can only imagine that there's sweat and other things in it.

Actually, Judge, this brings me to a great point about this robe, which is that when it was given to me in 1990 or so, it was given to me for Christmas in wintertime in the cold winter of New Hampshire.

And at the time, it was very plush and warm.

And conveniently,

now that we live in Texas, it's become quite threadbare and is actually a perfect summer weight robe for Austin, Texas.

So you're saying that it's been naturally ventilated over time?

That's right, yeah.

Its decrepitude is a feature, not a bug.

Yeah,

it is.

And I know this is a family show, but I will say that there is one hole in the rear of the robe.

It's not a large one, but it does have a hole on where one of Og's cheeks is.

It's a very, very small hole.

It would be perfectly appropriate to show it even on a family-oriented show.

I don't even know.

I'm really,

Snowflake, I'm a little angry that you did not send in a picture

of Og's cheek hole.

How big is the hole, Og?

It's bigger than a pinhole, but smaller than your pinky nail.

I'm imagining right now that this robe was worn by Prince in the 1991 MTV Video Awards.

It's not that beautiful.

My name is Og and I am sexy.

Look, the other thing is, so Og, as you said, is very tall.

He's about 6'5

and right now is very spelt, but in high school was a...

football player and weighed some number of pounds more than he weighs now.

And so the other piece of evidence that I submitted was the size of the robe, which is like 3XL.

And Og is no longer 3XL.

So it like hangs off of his felt frame and just aesthetically looks pretty terrible.

And then the other thing that Og and I have struggled with throughout the course of our relationship is my belief is that when you're oversized,

You need to be more judicious in what you wear because there's so much surface area in your clothing.

I like extra clothes.

Yeah, it's like you have to be, you've got to tone it down a little bit.

Like when the

embroidered angel wing on the back of t-shirts and dress shirts came into

vogue, I had to hold him back because I'm like,

you have too much back.

You can't wear those giant shirts with giant angel wings on them.

And the robe is the same thing.

You were going after some angel wing shirts.

Judge, judge, let's keep it about the robe, please.

And I think we can all agree.

I'll allow this evidence.

Og, you can't be wearing an angeling t-shirt.

You are Og of the Hill Orcs.

Snowflake of the Elves may wear such a thing.

But you are Og.

You wear a robe.

Right, right.

The early 2000s was a difficult fashion time.

So tell me what, why why not just get another robe?

I mean, look, Snowflake defied her elven family to marry a hill orc, the ogue of the moon clan.

And, you know, she has been living with this thing now

for 14 years of marriage and presumably sometime before even marriage, from the day she knew you.

She has been loving you in spite of this thing.

Why not give it up?

What does the robe make you feel when you wear it, where you say, this is worth sacrificing my my wife's happiness for

so in the in the early 90s before the days of the internet uh

shopping for clothes for a guy my size was very difficult um

i

am about six foot five and

heard about how yes i know how tall you are

I feel very small.

In the early to mid-90s, I also ranged maybe between, you know, 200 and 400.

Yes, I knew you were a football player.

It's New Hampshire.

Oh, wait a minute.

Jesse?

Yes, sir.

New Hampshire is part of New England.

Not sure if you knew that.

I'll allow it.

There are five states in New England.

Rhode Island?

No, excuse me.

I take it back.

There are four states in New England.

Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire,

Maine.

And then there's one Commonwealth.

I just wanted to think about that for a sec.

Okay, back to to you, Oak.

You are a massive hulk.

And it was very difficult to find clothes that fit, especially pre-internet days.

Right.

And so my mom, for Christmas, took the long, cold, snowy journey from Concord, New Hampshire to Manchester, New Hampshire.

And

she went to a store called Hajars.

One just from

Oak.

Oak?

Hang on just one second.

Yes.

Jesse?

Yes, sir.

Concord, new hampshire is the capital of new hampshire is that in new england or yeah that's in new england it's not far from where matthew and sarah got married okay go on guys oak so she went all the way from concord to manchester and uh and that's a long drive in new england terms

that's right she went to

you're going to buzz market a department store called

uh i actually don't even know if it still exists but it was called hajar's big and tall men's store hajar's big and tall men's Store.

Yes.

And so she went and sacrificed 50-minute round trips of her life

to get you a robe and give it to you for Christmas because it was hard to find one.

And at that time, in the early 90s, you were begging for a robe.

It was the only thing that would make you feel complete as a man.

Is that correct?

Excuse me.

As an incredibly tall, well-built man.

I had had bathrobes before, but it always bothered me how short the sleeves were and how short the length was and how high the belt would sit on my stomach and ribcage

so snowflake you sent in some evidence as well with regard to this pilgrimage that og's mom made what describe the evidence that you sent in this text exchange so i think uh grammy pammy as she's known now to our children oh my goodness um is the procurer, but also

the present.

I just need this to sink in for a second.

So your mom, her grandma name is Grammy Pammy.

Grammy.

True.

Yeah.

I think that's pretty much the best.

Who decided on that one?

I think she did.

That's fantastic.

She's been writing that in cursive on the back of her notebook since middle school.

Totally.

It's true.

She has.

She's a finely tuned Grammy.

She's a robot sent back from the future to be the best grandmother of all time.

Oh, that's

that's what

she's a sent.

She's a sentient AI who's finally perfected Gramminess.

Grammy Pammy is the best grandma name since, or granddad name since Jonathan Colton told me that his paternal grandparents were called BJ and Tuffy.

But that's not what he called them.

That's what his dad called them.

I think he just called them grandmom and granddad, but I didn't learn that until later.

Okay, so Grammy Pammy gets a text from her son.

This is, you've gone into your husband's texts and stolen a screenshot to send to me, Snowflake.

Oag writes to Grammy Pammy, do you remember how much you paid for my bathrobe at Hayjar's?

Grammy Pammy writes back, probably 90 bucks.

Whew, in the early 90s?

Come on.

That's some money.

Best clothing purchase I ever made.

One, two, three, four exclamation points.

And then she says, don't tell me you are going to replace it.

Yeah,

exactly.

So she procured it in the 90s and is enabling its continued wearing well past its prime.

Can you describe for me, Snowflake, the first time you saw your beloved in this thing?

You know, I was thinking about that.

as we were talking and I can't even remember.

I don't remember.

But I will tell you, we've been together for about 17 years.

And so the first time I saw it, it was probably not as offensive as it is today.

There has always been robe.

Og has always worn robe.

Robe and Og go together.

Actually, can I say another thing about grandmothers and the robe?

I bet you can.

My mom is MoMA to

my kids, okay?

Is that short for Museum of Modern Art?

that's short for i don't want a name with granny nanny grandmother

so moma is at our house over the winter holidays and we are unwrapping gifts with the children this is another um consequence of the robe being too large for og today and i hear my mom go og og og close your robe oh because something was hanging out

well threatening right so Og, look, belt loops don't work.

You know, you make a big point about how in the early 90s you were this incredibly tall football playing New Hampshire in Adonis.

And now Snowflake is saying, you got to wake up, dude.

You have now shriveled down to a mere six foot five inch

stick

and all your stuff's hanging out when you're wearing this old robe.

Are you clinging to this robe?

as a sign of your youth

i'll take that laugh as a yes.

I wouldn't say that I'm clinging to it as a sign of my youth.

I would say that it is by far the oldest thing that I own.

And so now it's sort of,

you know, it definitely has some sentimental value.

But

like, I appreciate that it does.

Grammy Pammy went out into the, out into the cold to get it for you or whatever else.

But you haven't had it serviced for how long?

It may be coming up

on its 10-year

change.

Right, 10 years.

Because you have kids now.

How old are your kids?

They're almost six and three and a half.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, so for the past more than half a decade, you have paid no attention to that robe.

You cannot get over to Ace Taylor's because you are busy raising those kids and making those Star Wars figures.

Are those your two primary occupations?

Yeah, I would say, well,

yeah, just sort of.

I would say raising the kids is my primary occupation.

Everything else is secondary.

Star Wars.

Oh, God.

I'm glad to hear that.

While it was neck and neck for a while,

making Star Wars figures is finally taking a back seat.

What do you do?

You make them?

You paint them?

You pose them?

What do you do?

All of the above.

Oh, you mod them out?

Yep, customize them.

Repaint the faces.

Is it mainly making all the characters wear a version of your robe?

Is that the modification that you're doing?

That's a good idea.

No, I do think I've created a robe or two

in my day.

Do you have a private space, a workshop where you're going to be able to do that?

Yes, I do.

Where is that located?

It's what used to be Snowflake's home office when she worked out of our house.

And now that she works outside of our house, I've taken it over and made it my

version figure workshop.

There's no conflict with regard to giving over your former home office to the action figure workshop?

No, I'm happy to do it.

I'm happy with that.

That's not underlying anything here.

Have you ever tried giving him a new robe or something?

No, I haven't tried the carrot.

I've tried the stick every once in a while, which is just threatening, like,

maybe I'll just wash that robe and it'll disappear.

Where you say that that out loud.

Yeah.

And do you do the laundry?

I mean, is that an empty threat?

Yeah, it is an empty threat.

Well, you half answered my question.

I do my own laundry and Og does his own laundry.

All right.

And how often, Og, do you wash this thing?

I mean, hygiene is a concern of mine at this point.

I mean, I would say I wash it at least once every six months, whether it needs it or not.

Guess what?

It does.

After six months.

I don't think whether it needs it or not is a question that you need to ask at that point.

In the Austin heat.

I've recently been facing the problem since I grew my beard and especially mustache out that whenever I try to eat a smoothie for breakfast, I just end up with an astonishing volume of smoothie on my robe.

Just, it looks as though someone had thrown a smoothie at me, essentially.

Like on an episode of The Real Housewives.

On your robe or in your beard?

On my robe, because it goes into my beard in such profuse quantities that it then, and especially my mustache, as I mentioned, that it then drips onto my chest and I look like I've been attacked by a flock of seagulls who just ate smoothies.

Oga the Hill people, I couldn't see your face in the photo.

Do you have a beard?

Is this an issue?

Do you get food drippings onto your robe?

When do you wear your beard?

I do not have a beard and I do not drip my, I generally do not drip my own food onto the robe.

However, I am feeding breakfast to a five and a half year old and a three and a half year old every morning and that

does sometimes end up with food on my robe.

And is the robe is robe, Darth Robe, a daily part of your life?

Darth Robe is a daily part of my life, yes.

Walk me through what happens.

You get up, you put on Darth Robe, you tie that belt around, you feed those kids.

What time do you get up?

It depends on whether I'm the one walking my daughter to school or not, but sometime between 6.15 and 7.

Okay.

And so the exposure to Darth Robe is primarily getting ready for work, Snowflake, and then by the time you're home, is it put away?

Or is it still on?

No, no, it's not.

But it's put away, but it sometimes re-emerges at night.

Very rarely.

It's basically a morning routine.

Only when you're in a seductive mood.

But listen, sometimes on the weekends, Darth Rubes sticks around like sometimes into the early afternoon.

And does Og have any other kind of leisure wear?

Any kind of pajama pants or

dung.

I asked Snowflake, but I want to hear what you have to say next, Og.

So go ahead, Snowflake.

Og is a stay-at-home dad and also athletic.

And so Og is dressed head to toe every day in what's now known as athleisure wear.

So like Lululemon yoga pants?

All day, every day.

Under armor.

Why am I saying that?

Why am I saying

of the things, of all the things that I might buzz market?

No offense.

It's not anything to do with the, I don't know the quality of that particular brand, but it's like that's all that sportsy stuff.

And by the way, Snowflake, thanks for reminding me once again that your husband's very athletic.

I have to take my inhaler now.

I was trying not to buzz market, but Jesse buzz marketed for me.

Yeah, well, I sort of tuned out of this whole episode the second that I heard that Og somehow weighs less now than he did in high school.

Yeah, right.

Give me a break.

I know.

Take the wind, dude.

Don't grasp the past.

You've got a beautiful future ahead of you.

Not being a big old football bruiser.

All right.

What do you wear underneath the robe?

Because MoMA was all complaining that she could see stuff that she didn't want to.

Right.

I wear my birthday suit under the robe.

Oh, wow.

That's one of the reasons that the robe is such an integral part of my morning is that

that is also my birthday suit is also what I sleep in.

And so I leap out of bed and the robe is the most convenient

thing to throw on as

I start my day.

Snowflake, I imagine that you love your husband very much and occasionally the two of you physically express your love.

And I'm wondering when your husband is wearing that robe, does it make that expression more or less likely to occur?

Significantly less likely.

Lies.

Okay.

Snowflake, if I'm going to order in your favor, what would you have me order?

Throw this thing on a fire?

Well, if Og thinks that's worthy, a worthy retirement of such a robe, then yes, we can burn it on a fire.

Or

like we've done with our children, we can have him hand in his wubby for toy bucks.

Hand in his wuby for toy bucks.

Your kids are six years old, and you're saying, like,

no more blankie for you?

Well, pacifier.

Oh, I got you.

Right.

How many toy bucks do you get for a passy in your house?

I don't know.

It'd be a lot of toy bucks for the rope.

Let's just put it that way.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

You know what I'm talking about.

At least enough for three umkar plutts.

Full portions.

Some reference that I do not understand.

I can't.

What is that, Jesse?

That's a Star Wars thing that I know about because I listened to another show called The Dough Boys.

Oh,

is that what Simon Pegg in that big fat suit is trying to is cheating Ray out of in Star Wars The Force Awakens?

Yeah, he goes one quarter portion.

One quarter portion.

Hi, Simon Pegg.

I like you.

All right.

He's a cool guy.

Why not just get another robe, Og?

Do you have difficulty in general giving things away, giving things up, putting aside childish things?

That could be.

What am I talking about?

You make Star Wars figures.

Let me ask Snowflake.

Snowflake,

does Og hold on to any other stuff maybe that you don't find

offensive, but does he have difficulty getting rid of stuff that might have sentimental or other attachments?

Yes, I would say that's a fair assessment.

And I also think you can see that it probably runs in the strong New England stock based on Grammy Pammy's text message.

Yeah, because amortized over 25 years, 90 bucks is not a lot of money.

Right.

That is a good value.

Yep.

Hang on, I have to do a math.

That's less than $4 a year.

Nowadays, you want to rent a robe for 25 years.

It costs $7 a year.

She got a good thing.

All right.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to put on my relaxation poncho, go into my

back-to-tank.

That's a thing I know about.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Snowflake, you've made your case pretty forcefully.

You're advocating literally throwing this robe into a fire.

Do you think you're going to win?

I feel confident about the case.

The only thing that worries me is that Og's New England background may appeal to the judge, and that may sway him.

I'm sorry, did someone say New England?

I just heard two words, new in England tonight.

Sorry, go on, you guys.

I'm going back to my chambers.

Snowflake, would you like to talk with me briefly about the difference between San Francisco and and Los Angeles burritos or something, just to balance that out?

I will tell you that MoMA lives in San Francisco.

I thought you might like to hear that.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for letting me know.

Og, you're a real monster with a disgusting robe.

What's going on, man?

I'm just looking forward to

getting a judgment from the judge that will allow me to wear a Darth Robe for another 25 years.

Do you have any Unkar Plutt figurines?

I don't.

I don't.

You're probably going to get one eventually, right?

I work mainly in the six-inch scale, and they don't have one of those of Unkar Plutt yet.

Oh, man, that sounds like a future Judge John Hodgman case.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all of this when we come back in just a second.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

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Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Jesse, the reviews are in.

My new super soft hoodie from Quince that I got at the beginning of the summer is indeed super soft.

People cannot stop touching me and going, that is a soft sweatshirt.

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I got this beautiful linen double flap pocket shirt that's sort of like an adventure shirt.

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Because with merino wool, it like, it basically rejects your stink.

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It's a stink-rejecting technology, John.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

You know, I rarely begin a verdict with a dictionary definition

or a quote, a famous quote.

But in this case, I feel I have to.

A wise man once said,

I mainly work

in the six-inch range, and they don't have an Pluck figure yet.

End quote.

And I realize I have totally wasted all my time on this podcast talking about this dumbrope when really I want to be getting deep into Og's modding out of six inch Star Wars figures.

I'm going to make a preliminary order right now.

One,

I want to see some pictures of Star Wars figures in my mailbox.

for posting on this show page.

I ordered that.

Do you agree to that order, Oag?

I agree.

All right.

I'm going to also do a preliminary order.

Snowflake, your mom, MoMA,

hereby is known as Groma MoMA, to go with Grammy Pammy.

We also have a Papa and a Pop Pop.

Pop Pop belongs to Grammy and Papa belongs to MoMA.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

It's Groma MoMa.

Got to fit with Grammy Pammy.

Okay.

Now down to this road.

I

like this robe.

Am torn.

You know what?

I think I should just end it there.

End of podcast.

Best I'm ever going to do.

Wordplay.

Robe hate court.

No, I'm torn about this thing.

Here's what I observe about the robe.

One, it's very old.

Two, it obviously needs repair.

Three, your life as a busy father and Star Wars figure modifier.

All of that has consumed your life to the point that

your robe maintenance duties have fallen by the wayside badly.

To the point now of marital tension.

And that your mom, whom I adore from New England, went and bought this thing for you back when you were so tall and so magnificent.

and so

what's the word I'm looking for?

Muscular, a creature that no one could ever find a robe that would fit.

It's a lovely story, but it doesn't change the fact

that

we do have the Internet now.

And you're also not as huge a goblin as you were back in those days.

You could get another robe that would be very comfortable.

And you have an imperative to do so.

given that the only thing that stands between your shamie and the lives of your loved ones is Darth Robe.

And yet,

if there were some aspect to this robe other than your connection to it, which I almost wonder is not ginned up a little bit just to drive Snowflake a little crazy.

But if there was something beautiful about it extrinsically,

then I'd be like, yeah, you know what?

Overruled.

You should continue to wear your favorite robe.

But I'm going to tell you, this is a pure admission of bias.

Black robes are gross.

Sorry.

They make you look like a Sith.

They make you look like a Sith dude.

And I know one of my oldest friends, Damon Graff, used to wear a lot of black robes.

Sleepovers, that was weird.

Didn't like it.

Sorry, Damon.

Shout out to Damon, though, for having the forethought to bring a robe on a sleepover.

Well, I was over at his house.

Oh, got it.

Yeah, I was just in the newt.

I was just walking around shaming, as Monte Bilmanti used to say when he was a kid.

For all of this, the obvious solution is to move on with your life and embrace your new status as dad and your not particularly new status as husband

and put aside childish things and get yourself a new robe.

I think you're going to be happy.

when you do get this new robe

because uh suddenly you know it's like you you love your old car and then you get a new car and it's like hmm i like having this seat heater things are easier when i can do this you know now that i have what is that crazy robot you have in your car jesse adaptive cruise control adaptive cruise control

since the day you told me about that thing i've thought of nothing else my children are they're nothing to me now they come up and i say you're not adaptive cruise control get out of my face there are features i can only imagine even in the simple technology of robe, that you will enjoy, including no holes and belt loops.

You can see that I am moving towards

ordering that you have this robe out of your life and that you get a new robe.

But on the other hand, I really want to see

what Ace Taylor of Austin, Texas can do with this thing.

So this is my order.

I find in the favor of Snowflake,

it is time for you to get a new robe for all of the reasons that we've discussed and which are plainly apparent to you, Oag.

Even you, I think, understand this.

And you can decide how to dispose of this robe.

Maybe you want to set it on fire.

But I first would order that you take that thing in.

You take a day.

a Saturday?

Maybe, is Grammy Pammy still in New England or is she around?

She is still in New Hampshire.

All right.

Is she coming to visit anytime soon?

Yep, she comes all the time.

All right.

I want her to come and I want you guys to go robe shopping

somewhere in the finest department stores of Austin, Texas.

And on the same day, I want you to take that.

old Darth robe

and give it to Ace and say, I want this thing perfectly restored.

Do everything you can to it.

Spare no expense.

It's only cost me $3.60 a year to own it for the past 25 years.

I'm ready to spend upwards of more money.

And then I want you to wear that new robe and I want you to take Darth Robe and I want you to literally retire it.

I don't know if you've got rafters in your action figure den.

What I really want is for you to have like a tube like Batman has in his cave where Robin's costume is magically levitating in it.

You know what I'm talking about?

I do know what you're talking about.

Are you strictly a Star Wars nerd?

No, no, I know exactly what you're talking about.

I wish you could get something like that.

But I think you can invest in, you know, like a mannequin or something.

And I want you to have Darth Robe there with you when you're doing your thing.

You can even wear Darth Robe when you're making, you know, your other Darths, your mini Darths,

at your action figure table.

You could just put it behind plexiglass and like retire it like they retire a football number.

Yeah, like a, oh, right, that's right, because he played football, didn't he?

Thanks.

Sorry, I forgot that for two seconds.

Thanks a lot, Snowflake.

One thing I did not expect when I approved a case between Snowflake and Ogue in Star Wars that I was going to talk so much about football.

Go, Pats.

Anyway, there you go.

Well, that's New England, but I don't stop.

Point is, I find in favor of Snowflake.

You got to get a new Darth Robe.

You got to get the Kylo Wren of robes.

And then

you got to go get the new robe with Grammy Pammy, because this is, like Star Wars itself, a generational story.

And then you've got to retire Darth Robe

to your private space where you make your little dreams come true.

This is is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules: That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Oak, how are you feeling?

Well,

I'm pretty disappointed to be honest.

Honestly, you didn't defend the robe all that vociferously during the case.

Um, yeah, I'm pretty sad.

I'm going to really miss Darth Robe.

I'm going to at least miss its public wearing.

But I feel happy for Snowflake.

Snowflake, how do you feel?

It's bittersweet.

I'll be glad to see Darth Robe go,

but I hope that it doesn't take an emotional toll on Og.

Are you going to press for a new type of robe to better befit your Texas climate, like maybe a regal purple satin?

I'll be interested to see if Grammy spends

$90 in today's dollars.

I'll be very interested to see what can be bought with such a fabulous price tag.

Yeah, I don't think ⁇ I think it's time.

I got to say, I said that Grammy Pammy should buy it, but I think that you should foot the bill, Snowflake.

Your family should.

This is literal payback time.

Look, I'm not trying to put too fine a point on it, but I just took a look on what I'll characterize as a popular mail-order outfit of preppy Northeastern-style clothing and found that all of their robes are available for under $90.

There's a world of robes out there for you, my son.

An ocean of robes in which you might swim.

Go forth and enjoy your hero's journey.

All right, I'll dive in and swim around a bit and see what I can find.

Og Snowflake, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, Judge Hodgman, I've got news.

What?

I just took a look at Og's Instagram feed.

Oh boy.

Not only does he have a feed at Star Wars Photography, it's not just pictures of his custom Star Wars figurines.

It's his custom Star Wars figurines set up in little scenes.

Like, look at this Star Wars Abominable Snowman.

He's got his own little Star Wars Abominable Snow Cave.

It's called a Wampa, Jesse.

Okay, well, whatever.

The point is, this is kind of amazing.

I'm pretty disappointed he doesn't have any Unkar Pletz in here, but besides that, it's rock solid.

What is the Instagram account?

At

Star Wars Photography.

Star Wars Photography.

Oh, boy, this is very exciting.

Yes, everyone go and check this out.

But in the meantime, before we go, let me say thank you again

to

Andrew McNair and Brick Sprickley for that wonderful, terrible pun.

And I mentioned in passing Wilco Solid Sound Festival in this episode, and I will mention in passing now that it is returning this June to North Adams, Massachusetts.

And I will once again be hosting and curating the comedy stage.

I will be joining Wilco in announcing the overall lineup of Solid Sound and the Comedy Stage very soon.

So if you want to find out more or be among the first to know, you can go to a website that I'm going to tell you about in just one second.

And that is, of course, SolidSoundFestival.com.

I look forward to seeing you out there in Western Massachusetts.

Jesse, do you have anything coming up on the long term or the short term that we should know about?

Well, the Max Fun Drive is right around the corner.

That's how this show is paid for and produced.

That's what pays Jennifer's salary and pays for the studios that we book and so on and so forth.

So I hope that in the month of March, you will support the Max Fun Drive

at maximumfund.org slash donate if you are not already a supporter of Judge John Hodgman and all the great shows here at Maximum Fun.

And also there are all kinds of fun premiums and we do fun games where I mispronounce people's names on Instagram and all sorts of things.

So I hope when it comes around, you think about how much the show and Maximum Fun means to you.

And if you're able to, give us a couple portions.

Don't give us one quarter portion, though.

You might as well keep that.

Whoa, hold on.

Is that Judge John Hodgman or is that celebrity impressionist Rich Little?

Because I really thought I was talking to Star Wars superhero Unkar Plutt.

He's not a superhero.

He's a villain.

Sorry, he's an abominable snowman.

As you mentioned, our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

This week's episode was engineered in Austin, Texas by David Alvarez at K-U-T.

And if you would like to submit a case to Judge John Hodgman podcast, you can do so at maximumfund.org slash jjho.

And if you want to email us, and by us I mean me, it's hodgman at maximumfund.org.

How can people follow us, Jesse?

Well, they should follow us on Twitter, at Hodgman and at Jesse Thorne.

They can join the MaxFun group on Facebook.

Just search for Maximum Fun and like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook.

Or they can talk about the show on Reddit, which I often visit and participate in discussions at maximumfun.reddit.com.

I would say this is a good week to follow me or Hodgman on Twitter because I will be pressuring our mutual friend Ryan Johnson, who's directing the next Star Wars movie, into revealing how big of a role Unkar Plutt will have in the film's adventures.

Absolutely.

And I'll put some pressure on, too.

I was listening to another podcast that I shall not name, though it is one of my favorites, and they said a thing that we have said before, and it makes sense.

If you listen to this on iTunes,

please go in there and give us a rating that you feel is appropriate to the quality of show that we provide you.

And if you've got a few nice words to say, please do it, because apparently it helps, and that helps us too.

So thanks.

Yeah, that makes a huge huge difference in the rankings in iTunes, especially for a show like ours where

we have a large audience, but many of them have been subscribed for quite a long time.

And iTunes really mostly pays attention to new people who click subscribe and folks who review the show.

So if you haven't reviewed the show, it makes a big difference in iTunes, and we really appreciate it.

Make sure to follow us on all those socials so that you can name a future Judge John Hodgman case.

And if you have a Judge John Hodgman case, go to maximumfund.org/slash JJHO.

That's maximumfund.org slash JJ

H O.

I've been Jesse Thorne for Judge Hodgman.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

That is all.

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