This is the Sound of a Raffle

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, where bailiffs Dave Shumka and Graham Clark.

This week, this is the sound of a raffle.

Stephanie files suit against her friend Sweet.

They are both members of a community service group that often uses raffles for fundraising.

Stephanie thinks members of their group should be prohibited from buying raffle tickets, but Sweet has no problem with it.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John enters the courtroom and presents the obscure cultural reference.

And at that, Judge John Hodgman stood still, with raised eyebrows and stern eyes that I could meet the better now that he knew the worst.

Then with a shrug, he resumed his walk, and for some minutes neither of us spoke.

But in his handsome, unmoved face, I read my fate and death warrant, and with every breath I cursed my folly and my cowardice in coming to judge John Hodgman at all.

Because he had been so kind to me, I had dared to look for kindness from him now, because I was ruined, and he, rich enough to play cricket all the summer and do nothing for the rest of the year, I had fatuously counted on his mercy, his sympathy, his help.

David Graham, swear in the litigants, please.

Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever?

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that half the time Judge John Hodgman says raffles, he actually means waffles?

I do.

I do.

Judge John Hodgman, please take this case off our hands.

Stephanie and Sweet, you may be seated.

That is exactly so.

50% of the time I say raffles, I mean waffles.

And it's been measured.

It's been measured.

There was one year when it was 48.9% of the time, but that was a statistical anomaly.

It's very confusing both at diners and in function halls.

But now I'm talking about raffles.

And before I talk more about raffles, first of all, let me say hello and welcome and thank you to not one two guest bailiffs,

Dave and Graham from the fantastic maximum fun podcast.

Stop podcasting yourself, one of my very favorites.

Good time, summertime guest bailiff Monty Belmonte could not be here today.

And you guys very ably and eagerly and happily and to my mind, I'm grateful that you were able to join us.

Thank you for having me.

I can't believe they let us have guns for this.

And I am coming to you.

You guys are in Vancouver, correct?

Yes.

Correct.

The Canadian city of your residence.

Yep.

Yep.

That's the one.

Are you both British Columbians?

I can't remember.

Dave is

born and raised, and I'm an Albertan,

transplanted here.

Graham Clark, you are an Albertan?

An Albertan.

That is one of the two Canadian provinces I have not been to.

Oh, you could skip it.

That's what I've heard.

What's the other?

Well, do you know what?

Hang on a second.

I just want to introduce our guest engineer, of course, Joel Mann here at WERU

in Orland, Maine.

Hi, Joel.

Judge, it's an honor to be here.

That's the most you've ever said on the podcast, and it was a little too much.

Sorry.

Keep it to

one or two monosyllabic responses, okay?

Yeah, good.

There we go.

So the Judge John Hodgman family has expanded dramatically over the course of this summer, and it's great to have all of you here, including you, Stephanie, and Sweet.

Now, for immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors,

can either of you name

the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

Sweet, you've been brought to this courtroom against your will, so you can either guess first or make Stephanie guess first.

What will you do?

I'm going to have Stephanie guess first.

Stephanie, what is your guess?

It's extremely incorrect, but I'm going to guess Shirley Jackson's the lottery.

That is a guess.

We'll enter that into

the guess book that everyone must sign.

And now,

sweet, you have procrastinated long enough.

Can you guess?

As long as we're guessing, I'm just going to throw out Dorian Gray.

The picture of Dorian Gray, another guess.

Of course, all guesses are wrong.

But I will give you another chance.

Can you guess which Canadian province that is not Alberta that I have not been to?

This may not be binding.

If you get it right, it will not be binding.

Sweet.

You know how many Canadian provinces there are, right?

Quebec?

Okay, that is a guess.

Stephanie?

Prince Edward Island.

All guesses are wrong again.

The answer is

Newfoundland.

Oh, wow.

Now, that took you guys by surprise up there in Vancouver.

You find it surprising that someone would never have been to Newfoundland?

Well, all those maritime eastern provinces are so close together.

You could accidentally step into one from another one.

It's possible.

It's possible that I did, and I don't remember.

We assumed it would have been Saskatchewan.

No, no, I've been to Saskatchewan, of course.

That's amazing.

I've been to its provincial capital.

Stephanie's weight.

Don't give it away, you guys.

I mean, maybe.

Stephanie's, do you know what the provincial capital of Saskatchewan is?

I did know.

I believe it's Regina, which I made a joke once because it rhymes with something entertaining.

Right.

That's you have to imagine that that's why they named it that.

Stephanie and Sweet, enough Canada talk.

We're going to have to hear this case.

You know where I am, and I'm here with Joel in Maine in the studios of WERU 89.9 FM in East Orland, Maine.

We know that Dave and Graham are out there in Vancouver.

Where do I find you in the world?

We are in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Las Vegas, Nevada.

And who was speaking just then so I can begin to understand the differences of your voices?

That was Stephanie.

Okay.

And sweet, you are also in Las Vegas, Nevada, correct?

That is correct.

I'm here in Las Vegas, Nevada.

And you guys are friends and members of a community group.

Stephanie, explain.

Yes.

Is it okay if I buzzmark it by saying the name, the full name?

Let's just say that it rhymes with Regina.

Yes, the acronym does rhyme with Regina.

But yeah,

what does the acronym stand for?

Very awesome girls into nerdy activities.

And just coincidentally,

it spells out something that rhymes with Regina.

Total coincidence.

Yeah.

And what do the Very Awesome Girls do there in Las Vegas?

We do a lot of community service.

We volunteer.

Sometimes we've cleaned up trails.

We do fundraising for local nonprofits.

We also go to nerdy events like movie openings,

things like that.

We volunteer at like comic book conventions and other nerdy things like that too.

So it's like a nerd sorority?

That's a very good description, yes.

Okay, and how long have you been doing this?

I've been in it for three years.

It has been in existence, I believe, for six years.

Yeah, and I've been in for about five years.

Okay, so sweet, who just spoke, right?

You've been in for five years.

Yeah.

So you're the senior,

very awesome nerd girl in this duo, at least.

I would be the senior.

She would be the freshman.

Right.

Was there a lot of hazing, Stephanie, when you joined this nerd sorority?

Um, I'm trying to, if by

hazing, you mean good times and camaraderie, yes.

There's a lot of that.

Good times and

camaraderie.

That's a hard word.

I was about to say, I definitely mispronounced that.

Camaraderie.

Camaraderie, my comrades.

And who founded this group?

Stephanie?

Somebody else named Stephanie, who is not me.

And you may have already said, but remind me, if you did, how many

very awesome nerds are in this group?

About 50.

About 50.

Okay.

And what do you do in your real life there in Las Vegas, Stephanie?

I'm actually, it's funny because I mispronounced a word just now, but I'm actually an adjunct instructor at the university here.

Of what?

English.

Of English.

You know,

that's reading and writing.

Pronunciation is the lowest art in the English major.

It's true.

If you were an adjunct instructor of pronunciation,

I don't even think they would let you in that sorority.

You'd be like, nope, too nerdy.

Too nerdy for the nerd sorority.

And

sweet,

are you an academic as well?

I am not.

I'm a content coordinator, so basically a copywriter.

And what is it like living in Las Vegas as a professor of English and as a copywriter?

Well, I mean, surprisingly, there's a lot of cool academic stuff here.

We have some really good lectures here at the university.

There's a very whimsical bookstore downtown that looks like it's out of a Wes Anderson movie.

I think that our friend of the show, Sam Potts, had something to do with that bookstore.

It opened a few years ago, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Writer's Bach.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm almost certain that that is the bookstore that was opened by

a guy named Scott, who used to write Scott Seely, right?

Yes, Drew and Scott opened it together.

And they lived in New York before.

See how it's a small world among people who went to college, isn't it?

In Vegas, it is.

Yeah.

Scott used to be the manager of the McSweeney store

in Brooklyn, where I normally live, and then

was on the board of 826NYC, which is Dave Eggers' New York branch of his tutoring organization for middle schoolers and high schoolers.

So it sounds like the life of the mind is alive and well in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Are you guys both Nevadans?

Stephanie?

Well, I've been here 14 years, but I lived in California and Hawaii previously, but I think I'm a local at this point.

And sweet, your name is spelled S-E-W-I-T, but it is pronounced sweet.

Am I pronouncing it correctly?

You are.

It is not phonetic in the least because my parents decided to be difficult.

Oh, well, that's...

If they had come to my courtroom, I would have made them give you a less challenging name.

But clearly

it has burnished your character

because you're both doing good in the world.

And are you a Nevadan?

I have been here for about 16 years, but I'm from California originally, but I consider myself a local.

Okay, cool.

Graham and Dave.

Yes.

Yeah.

Quick question.

By the way, bailiffs, you can't be taking a nap in my courtroom.

No, no, no.

We're on it.

We're ready to go.

I don't know how they do fake internet court in Canada other than I'm sure the judges wear wigs.

Yeah, that's right.

But I don't know if fake internet court in Canada, they have napping couches for their bailiffs, but I need to do that.

Well, they're fainting couches, but yeah, right.

Okay, good.

Well, you notice we haven't even gotten to the dispute yet because I'm just enjoying you guys so much.

We're going to get to this dispute.

Can I ask one question before the dispute?

Yeah, please.

What was the obscure cultural reference?

Oh,

you know what?

I've never gone so long without revealing it.

I'm going to try something new, Joel.

I'm going to use it as a tease for the end of the episode.

Yes.

That'll keep me awake.

Graham's like the kid who asked if there's homework five minutes before the bell rings.

Wade, wait, you forgot to assign homework.

Dave or Graham?

Are we we Nevadans?

No.

No, I know, but since we did a lot of Canadian geography humor at the top of the show,

and

I use the term humor, arguably.

Can Dave or Graham, can you name the capital of Nevada as Canadians?

Are you able to?

Is it Carson City?

That's a guess.

Who is that, Dave?

All right, Graham.

I'm going to say Reno.

Okay.

One guess is wrong.

Carson City is correct.

Well done.

Carson City.

Wow.

That's right.

Dave.

That's right.

Guess what?

Right now, current best bailiff, Dave Schumka.

Damn it.

Could all change.

All right.

So I'm enjoying this conversation so much that I didn't even get around to revealing the

cultural reference.

I have barely, and we have not even gotten into the conflict.

The conflict is essentially meaningless.

Stephanie,

one of the things you guys do is you hold raffles to raise money.

for various causes.

And sweet,

you have a difference of opinion with Stephanie about these raffles in what way?

Well, I feel that we should be able to have our members enter these raffles and Stephanie does not.

Okay.

Stephanie,

why is it wrong for the membership of your group, the Very Austin Nerd Girls, to buy raffle tickets in the raffles that you're running?

Well,

let me clear something.

I'm okay with them buying tickets.

I'm not okay with them winning.

So if they want to just throw the money in there, that's fine.

But yeah, I feel like if somebody wins from our group, even though it would be you know a complete coincidence and natural win, um,

someone watching that might think, oh, well, that's great.

They're just giving the items back to their own members.

Why should I enter their next raffle?

Right, Mike.

So, you know, that one of the principles of the Judge John Hodgman show is that specificity is the soul of Narotiv.

Now, I'm not a professor of pronunciation, but that's how I always say it.

Can you tell me a time

this actually happened where

you held a raffle for a charity or some other cause and the members entered and a member of your group won and thus causing a rift between you and the community that you're there to support?

And be as

spephisic as you can, please.

Okay, so

I just don't, I don't want this member to feel bad.

If you're listening, please don't feel bad.

Oh, you do?

Okay.

We had like a raffle

around

solstice last year.

And

there was a lot of items up for raffle, including like tickets for Star Wars.

But one of the items was a hand.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Which solstice?

Winter or summer?

Oh, winter.

My bad.

Yeah.

I didn't want to use a Western-specific holiday, so I just went solstice.

Right.

And

you also didn't want to discriminate against summer solstice.

It's true.

It's true.

It's a good solstice.

So, yeah, one member,

there was a lot of items for Raffle.

One member, and this was, we were doing it as the event went on.

One member won a handmade, a beautiful handmade lightsaber scarf.

And

I don't have any affidavits to state to this, but I saw a few people

kind of roll in their eyes that one of our members had won.

And maybe, maybe I was reading too much into it.

Now, I just want to say that, look, I'm glad you guys are all having a great time.

But here in Maine,

your entire story was wiped out by Skype wonkiness, such that as far as I'm concerned, the story you told was you plucking an ill-tuned banjo and throwing a box of marbles down the stairs.

That's what I did.

I don't know if you guys heard that, but I don't even think I need, I think I get the picture.

Someone rolled their eyes.

Yes,

that's concise.

Sweet,

you heard Stephanie's story as well as I did.

What's your response?

I feel as though we're a part of the community, the same community we strive to serve.

And we should be able to enter these raffles.

If someone from the community rolled their eyes, they should definitely bring it to us, you know, personally, maybe

voice their complaints, and we can definitely respond.

But we're all part of the same Las Vegas nerd community.

And

was there actual eye rolling or perceived eye rolling?

You know, maybe, maybe I was overly sensitive and it was perceived.

I do not have photographic evidence of said eye rolling.

I'm a photographer.

But there was no express complaint made to you.

No, no one came up to me and complained or anything like that.

All right.

Let me talk to my bailiffs for a second.

Dave and Graham.

Yes.

All right.

I've gone as far as I can pretending that I heard that story when I didn't.

So don't let Stephanie and Sweet know that I don't know what they're talking about.

Can you just give me what was the cause that they were doing the raffle for?

The thing that rhymes with Regina.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know the organization, but I guess that was the cause.

What were they raising money for?

Their stuff.

Yeah, the solstice.

They wanted to have a wintry solstice.

Basically, Dave and I both started laughing really hard when they talked about one of the items that was up for auction was a lightsaber scarf.

Got it.

That was one of the raffle prizes.

That was the one that caused the eye rolling.

Yeah.

But not in it by the very nature of its existence, by the fact that one of the members won it.

So

one of the members donated it.

Another member bought a raffle ticket and won it.

Or someone donated it.

Somebody donated it.

All right, Stephanie, I have to, I tried to get this information out of my bailiffs, and all the listeners, of course, know because they could hear the thing, but I couldn't.

And these bailiffs were just totally napping again.

They weren't on their napping couches anymore.

They were in

their respective chuckling corners, chuckling to themselves, instead of monitoring the situation in my fake courtroom.

By the way, Dave, I strip you of your best bailiff title.

You're now both medium bailiffs again.

Cool.

Thanks.

Stephanie, what were you raising money for with this raffle?

I can't remember if it was, it might have been street teens.

It might have been something else.

Street teens?

I'm not a bad.

Well, it's a Las Vegas

nonprofit that helps homeless teens.

They give them food and stuff.

Oh, streets and school teams.

Street teens.

Street teens.

T-E-E-N-S.

Correct.

Yeah, your pronunciation is terrible.

I apologize.

No,

I just thought you said street teams.

I thought you were raising money for buzz marketing teams for Las Vegas.

See, what I'm trying to determine here is to what degree

your little booster club in Las Vegas is raising significant funds for actual charities,

and to what degree it is mainly a chance for you guys to get together and hang around and have funds.

And I would like it to be both.

I mean, you know, it's both is fine.

But

I guess what I'm trying to determine is:

is the balance, is the additional revenue coming from members buying raffle tickets

meaningful enough to a a meaningful enough charity that it counteracts the perceived eye-rolly ethical missteps that one might read into a situation where the membership itself is buying raffle tickets.

In other words, if you're raising more money for homeless teens, who cares?

Who cares, Stephanie, where the money's coming from?

Am I right, sweet?

I think you're right.

I think that since we have so many members who usually buy multiple, multiple tickets, like maybe $10 a pop,

we're making like $500 just off of our members.

That's going to like street teens or Nevada Partnership of Homeless Youth, et cetera.

All right.

Stephanie, would you estimate what percentage of raffle sales are going to memberships?

Would you estimate?

Paul Porket for me.

That's a little bit tough for me to answer because the raffles where I have donated the items and organized the raffle, I told members not to enter.

So my amounts are from when members were not allowed to enter.

Sweet.

Wait, anyone in your group can organize a separate raffle?

Is that what you're saying?

Well, it well, it's paired with like, we'll have like a fundraiser event or a table at a convention, and you can go to the philanthropy committee and say, I would like to raise money for Las Vegas pigeon rescue.

May I have a raffle at the table if there isn't one?

I hope they would say no.

Are pigeons in are pigeons endangered in Las Vegas?

No, but neither are homeless teens.

Well,

now I wonder if maybe you're a sociopath, Stephanie.

I just really love pigeons and birds.

I'm not.

I'm a nice person, I swear.

I help humans too.

Insofar as a teenager is living on the street, I consider that to be profoundly more of a endangered situation than a pigeon living on the street.

That's where they're supposed to live.

Well, we're not just scooping up pigeons from the street.

It's usually people's racing pigeons that have been injured or people that mistakenly release young pigeons that are domesticated and they end up in like parks or something like that and die.

They die if they're not taken in or adopted.

So the pigeon rescue thing was, that's for real.

Yes, that was not a joke.

And that is more important to you than homeless teens.

Got it.

Not at all.

Not at all.

I'm just putting it down.

No, I'm just putting it down that way.

I'm just going to enter it.

So here's, let me make sure I understand this situation, just so I understand how your organization works.

You,

Stephanie,

want to hold a raffle at some event, a convention or whatever it is, to raise money to keep pigeons alive.

And Sweet wants to hold a raffle to raise money to help

at-risk children get off the streets and into a safe environment because they're human beings.

And

you individually can go to your, what is it, your officer of philanthropy?

We have a committee, a philanthropy committee.

And you can individually hold your raffles.

And in these raffles, you can individually stipulate that members can or cannot buy tickets.

Is that correct, Stephanie?

That is correct.

However, I'm the only person that's ever stipulated that members cannot buy tickets.

So you've already gotten your way.

You hold your raffles.

You do it your way.

Why does this need to be a very awesome nerd girl-wide policy?

Um, people are a little bit

not happy that I'm the only one doing that.

Like people, people aren't taking it too well when I tell them not to enter the raffles that we hold.

So what do they say?

What do they say?

Um, well, they express an interest in the items and say say a few times how much they like them and would like to enter and have them.

Let me think if I can think of something.

Well, one of the affidavits we had, you know, she, Desiree, one of our members,

you know, said how she, you know, she likes to enter because there's fun things to win.

And she's expressed to me before that she would like to enter specific raffles I have held.

All right.

Well, you sent in this evidence, which is an affidavit, and

I'm going to read this into the record.

Dave and Graham, bailiffs.

Yes.

Yeah, give me the evidence.

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

That was some great role-playing.

All right, so this is an affidavit

from very awesome girls member Christella.

I believe members should not be able to enter our own raffles because it could cause others who enter to lose trust in our group.

We know we are being fair, but if someone in our group wins, people may feel it's unfair and lose faith in our group.

This is a photo of our most recent raffle items.

Items included San Diego Comic-Con exclusive swag plus a signed photo of Flash Gordon star Sam Jones.

He donated it to us at the Las Vegas convention we were holding the raffle at because he is a total sweetheart.

Whoa.

Oh, wow.

And also a Mr.

Robot Mask.

And a bunch of other cool stuff

that one of you guys brought back from San Diego Comic-Con.

Is that right, Stephanie?

Yes, that was, I brought it back.

And so at least one other, one other member agrees with you, Christella, unless Cristella is a fabrication of your own mind.

Christella is a real person and a listener to the show.

I'm speaking to Christella now.

If you're out there, thank you for your support.

I appreciate your name, Christella, even though it sounds like an imaginary friend that

Stephanie might have made up when she was 11.

By the way, is Cristella also a princess racing pigeon?

Yes.

Well, she writes very well.

Cristella, if you're a real human listener, thank you.

If you're a princess astronaut racing pigeon with the power of speech and writing, I'd also thank you.

Okay.

So this is a pretty good, this is pretty cool, nerdy stuff that you auctioned, not auctioned, excuse me, raffled off.

How much money did you raise raffling off this horde of Sam Jones

memorabilia?

Well, it was actually not as much because we were in an obscure location, but it was about $100.

Whoa.

Yeah.

And after you subtracted your administrative fees of $115,

it went to the Las Vegas pigeon rescue.

Okay.

Sweet.

You also sent in an affidavit from one of your members.

And what is her fantasy name?

Her fantasy name is Desiree.

Desiree says, I'm pro-members entering our own raffles because our raffles are always intended to help a needy cause in our community.

Why not get as much help as you can get?

This is what we've been discussing.

I understand that it may look bad for one of our own members to win the raffle, but I've been told the alternative is to enter in someone else's name.

Isn't being deceitful to our supporters worse.

Also, then if I do win the raffle, I have to make sure none of the prizes are ever showing in the pics I post on social media.

I can't live with the paranoia.

Adored, very awesome girl member, Desiree, last name unpronounceable.

Okay.

And when you, have you, have you run a raffle

suite where you have allowed members to buy tickets?

Yes, I've run several raffles where I've allowed members to run tickets.

Well, give me an example of one.

And if I were you, I would give me an example of one where you raised a lot more money than $100.

Well, we've had one at the,

let's see, I want to say the Henderson Mini-Con.

Well, we were raising money actually, again, for street teens.

We had our own members enter that raffle, and I believe we ended up raising something like $550.

$550.

Yes.

Now,

I don't do a lot of

moths, but mathematically speaking, I think that that's more.

I'm not so sure.

I want to come back.

Stephanie, in this raffle, you had an autographed picture of Sam Jones, star of Flash Gordon,

and you raised $100.

How much were the tickets?

So there were some extenuating circumstances, though, at this other...

How much were the tickets?

they were two dollars each or three for five and we were in a room off to the side with not a lot of traffic we were right in the middle of henderson minicon all right i can't

i can't do the moths on that one two two two bucks you raise a hundred dollars so that's 50 entrants

how many entrants would you say you had in your last raffle sweet that is a very good question i know i only ask the good ones

uh i want to say we probably had a couple hundred people into this raffle.

A couple hundred people.

And how many of them were members, would you guess?

Let's say it was 200.

Paul pork it for me.

I want to say about 30 people from our group actually enter the raffle.

So about 15%.

Got it.

All right, I think I've heard everything I need in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into

my chombers.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Now, sweet, do you find living in Las Vegas, getting people to join these raffles, that in Las Vegas, there's just not enough opportunity to gamble?

I mean, I guess it's kind of limited here if you live in the suburbs.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a lot of mini malls, strip malls with just

AMPMs full of slot machines, I'm sure.

Stephanie, let me ask you, is

there that Star Trek bar still in Las Vegas?

I'm so sad to tell you no.

They closed down Star Trek the Experience and Quarks Bar.

Oh, no.

Where will you get your Romulan Ale?

Times Square.

The Star Trek convention, maybe.

Or Millennium Falcon.

Oh, Don't Buzz Market.

Oh, my bad.

Sorry.

My bad.

If somebody in the group were to win these prizes and then

donate them back to the cause,

would that solve everybody's problems?

That would be great.

Yeah, I think that would be cool.

You should have called me first.

Sweet, do you think it's going to go your way?

I feel like this could go either way right now.

I feel like we both had a very good argument.

But everyone thinks I'm a sociopath.

I mean,

with imaginary friends.

I think, who is it that got the fundraiser that raised $550?

That was me.

Oh, yeah.

I think you're going to win.

I mean, it's not our job to speculate, but yeah.

I think it looks pretty good.

Like the singer Jesse J.

Judge John Hodgman is all about the money, money, money.

We'll be back with Judge John Hodgman's decision on Judge John Hodgman after the break.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the court.

You may be seated.

Boy, this is a difficult one because on the one hand,

I do perceive a difference between humans and pigeons.

And

from my admittedly human-biased position,

it seems to me like

ethical blurriness or no, Sweet's raising more money

for human beings.

And on the other hand,

though ethically very pure,

Stephanie is raising less money for pigeons.

So in that sense, it's kind of a wash.

But where I really,

where I really, I think the crux for me in this case is that you let an autographed

photograph of Sam Jones, star of Flash Gordon,

go with a whole lot of other stuff for $100.

And

that's a crime against culture.

And it got me to thinking because my initial thought was, well, how much did that Sam Jones thing go for?

Because I immediately forgot that you were doing a raffle and I thought you were doing an auction, right?

And in an auction situation, like if it went for the proportion of the hundred bucks that it ended up raising, so in that big lot of stuff that Mr.

Robot masked in those comic books or whatever, it probably accounted for maybe 25 bucks.

Do you know what I mean?

Of what you got for it as part of that lot.

And I was like, if you were in an auction situation and the maximum bid you would have on that Sam Jones autograph picture was 25 bucks,

you would remove it from the bidding.

You would not let it go.

And then I was thinking, well, right, it's not an auction, obviously.

It's a raffle.

But if it were an auction and you had an organization that was donating items to be auctioned off

to the public and members of your organization were bidding,

that would be seen as unfair because they would be bidding up against the normals in the room.

And it would be seen as a little bit shady.

That was clarifying to me because, as much as I think getting as much money for a worthy cause as possible in the context of

both charity and a fun event and a fun group like you have is what you're aiming for,

there is no doubt, I think, on a gut level, that allowing your own members to buy raffle tickets and win the prizes is a little bit shady.

And

there has been no grievance expressed so far.

So I'm not convinced there has been any real damage done.

But it seems to me like the very awesome girls are at a crossroads in terms of, you know,

how serious...

the fundraising aspect is going to be compared to the fundraising for yourselves.

And I think that what Stephanie is perceiving is that to have members buy raffle tickets makes your group look less serious.

Never mind the fact that you're raising money for pigeons.

I'm sorry to be so sniffy about the pigeons, you guys.

I appreciate that it's a real cause.

You've sold me on it.

I'm going to donate to both.

I think that what you're doing is great.

And I think that it's so good that it deserves not only for it to be fun for you, but at least a veneer of professionalism.

And I think that having members buying raffle tickets,

even though it raises more money for the cause, makes it seem unprofessional.

And I therefore

decree that Stephanie is right and Sweet is wrong.

And I further order, stop it with the raffles.

Try auctions.

You want to have fun and raise real money?

Have an auction of this stuff.

Do you know why?

Because you go into a bar or something.

Do you have those in Las Vegas?

Or you go into Scott's bookstore.

He knows.

We used to have auctions for McSweeney's all the time.

And you get all this stuff, all this great swag.

And then you auction it off one by one.

And it's a whole event.

And what happens in auctions is people, it's not only an opportunity to donate to charity by, you know, by bidding on an object that you want and having that money go to charity, but it's also an opportunity to beat other people because it becomes competitive.

If you had two people wanting that Sam Jones autograph picture and there would be, you would have gotten $200 for that alone.

And because you're combining charity with people's natural desire to destroy each other in competition.

And it's a lot of fun.

And I highly, highly advise that you get rid of all these raffles or at least try one auction and see how it goes.

Because it's an incredible sporting night for charity.

And you get some racing pigeons in there, it becomes a big thing.

You just race them around the room.

Everyone will love it.

But, you know, even though Sweet is senior and even though

probably no harm done, I have to say, I agree with Stephanie.

I think members buying raffle tickets look bad, and you don't want to look bad.

So, that is my ruling.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge Sean Hodgman rules, that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

So, I realize now I got the Jesse J quote wrong.

It's not about the money.

It's not about the money, yeah.

Stephanie, what is your feeling on the verdict?

I'm happy.

I'm pretty excited about the idea of auctions.

I would love to practice one of those weird, old-timey auctioneer voices.

Yep.

They still do that weird, old-timey auctioneer voice.

I have a plug-in on eBay that does it for me.

But you could also make fun sci-fi-themed paddles for all the people who are are bidding.

Ooh, all these ideas.

Yeah, this is now it's more fun.

Wait, wait, I have to come back in for a second.

Please,

please rise again.

Comes back into the courtroom.

No old-timey auctioneer voice.

This is what I'm trying to say, you guys.

You want your organization to be fun for your memberships and for the communities that you're serving, right?

But you don't want your organization to seem like

just a big art project for yourselves.

You want it to be fun, but also actually raising as much money as possible to give back into the community.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what this white man is saying to a bunch of activist women in Las Vegas who have raised more money for carrier pigeons and street teens than I've ever raised.

But that's what, just do a regular auction.

That's all I have to say.

We got to get out of here.

Please rise again.

We're never going to find out the cultural reference.

Oh, yeah, no, cultural reference.

Tune in next week.

You know what?

I'm going to do it.

Tune in next week to find out the cultural reference.

I'm tired of people not

listening to the next episode.

I'll tell Sweet and Stephanie, I'll tell you guys off the air.

And in the meantime, everyone else who wants to find out the cultural reference, tune in next week to Judge John Hodgman.

It's a cliffhanger, which is actually a clue, sort of, to what the cultural reference is.

Until then, I want want to say thank you to Stephanie and Sweet because they got to get out of their studio out there in Las Vegas because I guess trains run on time in Las Vegas.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcast.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Law.

I'm Caroline Roper and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Dave and Graham, thank you so much for guest bailiffing.

I hope maybe you'll come back next week.

Now I know you will because you're so curious about the cultural reference.

It's from Cliffhanger, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's John Lithigo's monologue from Cliffhangers.

His mountaintop monologue.

Before you guys say everything you need to say, let me just say what a pleasure it is to have you guys here.

Thanks again to Joel here at WERU, 88.9

FM in Blue Hill, 99.9 FM in Bangor, Maine, studio located in East Orland, Maine.

Got hit by a lightning bolt, right, Joel?

That's correct.

That's correct, Judge.

Got hit by a lightning bolt and wiped out its phone lines.

This is true community radio, and

they need some anti-lightning protection.

So go to weru.org and perhaps consider giving a donation.

And as well, we'll put a link to the pigeon rescue and the street teens

donation links on our website so that you can consider donating to them as well.

Sam Jones, if you're listening to this, I will pay you $500 for an autographed picture of yourself as Flash Gordon.

And I hope you all will consider seeing me and Jesse and other special guests on our tour in the East Coast.

Unfortunately, not Newfoundland, but many other East Coast cities.

Go to johnhodgman.com slash tour for those details or go to maximumfund.org.

The events sidebar has all the ticket links right there.

Who named this episode, Dave and Graham?

Ian Brody.

Thank you very much for naming this week's episode.

This is the Sound of a Raffle.

I like that one.

And who produced this week's episode, Dave?

Oh, I want to say Jennifer Jennifer Marmore.

Not Marmore, more more.

Not less more, more more.

More, more, more.

How do you like it?

And what else is there?

Do we need to say?

Yeah, I just want to encourage everyone to join our street team.

We're going to be putting up posters around the city and just sort of, and we're going to do some of that

like power washing art.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, you know what?

Keep it up, Sam Jones.

Stop Podcasting Yourself is podcast weekly from Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada.

Yeah, and if listeners want to find an episode to start with, I would suggest episode 396 featuring Judge John Hodgman and non-judge John Roderick.

Sometimes guest bailiff John Roderick.

Thank you guys so much for being here.

You guys can go take a rest now.

And thanks, everyone else, for listening to Judge John Hodgman.

Tune in next week for information about the cultural reference.

Goodbye.

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