Dad Nauseam

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, Dad Nauseum.

Daniel brings the case against his dad, Kevin.

He says Kevin overuses the same joke with service industry workers, which the rest of the family finds embarrassing.

Kevin thinks it's a funny joke that brightens people's day.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents his obscure cultural reference.

I have a little donkey I never ride one day I go to the fair.

Wim Road, in my memory, has never been such a hot summer day.

May not be 38 degrees early in the morning, five o'clock, eating biscuits.

Happiness is the law.

Fritters went plowing through day by day.

I love the simple pleasure of feeling.

Like a hot and spicy kung pow chicken, choose a good piece of chicken with a little chopped green onion, garlic, chili, peanut.

Plus, do not forget, I came to town with market, my big chicken, Mimi, bustling, trading in the crowd, you're like an angel, appeared in a dream.

Wearing a floral dress, you made me laugh at first sight.

I love that feeling of innocence, even if the sky is falling, is not a problem.

I just hope every day, with what you do together at home, can I just want you to be my baby?

I do not care if you send Missy Temper with me, or you love to play the game.

Ooh, you're my baby.

Ooh, love is like kung pow chicken lying.

Prairie, I'm lost in your eyes.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in.

Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he only eats at joke restaurants?

I do.

I do.

Very well.

Judge Hodgman.

Daniel and Kevin, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Can either you, Daniel, or you, Kevin, guess the piece of culture that I quoted directly as I entered the courtroom.

Kevin, you are the dad.

You have been brought here against your will by your son, Daniel.

You can either guess first

or force Daniel to to guess first and thus perhaps gain information from his guess.

What is your choice?

I will force Daniel to guess.

All right, Daniel, do you think you will be able to guess correctly?

I'll try.

Okay.

Well, let me ask you, did you hear the quote?

I sure did.

Great.

That was only half of the quote.

Okay.

Did it help you to hear the rest?

Okay, please.

Okay, good.

Love is like kung pao chicken lying prairie.

I'm lost in your eyes.

My heart is like a broken kite wandering.

I really have you.

I cannot believe I'm often hard-binching myself to see if I was awake.

Oh, baby, I do not.

Why?

Fancy, I know I have no money to send you.

Hello, kitty.

Can everything I gave you all I love you because dear daddy bear his sweetheart to marry me.

I think he seemed a little upset I did not have a Mercedes, but I did not ring willing to give you my beloved chicken.

I do not stick together every day to tell you what to do at home.

Can I just want you to be my baby, please?

My little chickadee, I do not care if you send Missy Temper or you.

I keep playing the game of love.

Ooh, you're my baby.

I just hope every day with you, do not do anything at home.

Can I just want you to be my baby?

I do not care if you send Missy Temper or you love to play games with me.

Ooh,

you're my baby.

Now, do you get it?

Okay, my guess,

just

going from previous experience here, is it's a mountain goats lyric

to a song that I don't know.

Interesting guess.

Did you say Mountain Goat?

Yeah.

Kevin, just because he's your son doesn't mean that you run this place.

I run this place.

I am not saying whether or not it is or is not a mountain goat song, but I am saying with some assurance that if it is not a mountain goat song, it soon will be.

Excellent.

After I make a phone call after this podcast and email these lyrics to a person that I know has been on this podcast before.

But now, Kevin, you have heard your son's guess.

What is your guess?

So it's a song.

Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart sings.

I have no idea.

I love...

hearing a dad joke being constructed in real time, though.

That was intense.

I'd like you to come back to that when you're ready, when you break the back of that joke and you figure out Martha Stewart sings what, I want you to let me know.

Just at any time, interrupt, because that's what dad jokes are for.

But I can say with assurance, even as you just half-answered, that all guesses are wrong.

Jesse Thorne, of course, you know.

No.

Of course you do, Jesse.

That's the song Kung Pao Chicken by Taiwanese singer-songwriter-superstar David Tao off his 2002 album Black Tangerine.

You know, I'm not much of a Tao head.

Yeah.

I think there are probably some listeners who are really into David Tao, T-A-O.

And if not, please go to maximumfun.org to the Judge John Hodgman page, where we are going to be posting a recording of this song.

It's a really good song.

But since you both guessed incorrectly, we must now take up this case in earnest.

Daniel, you have taken your father here to court to receive my justice because you accuse him of bothering service people with the same joke.

What is the joke, Daniel?

Well, the joke is,

I'll have the kung pao chicken.

Ah, you see the connection!

There is a connection, yeah.

So what he'll do is,

regardless of where he is, the first thing he'll say to whoever's serving him is, I'll have the kung pao chicken.

Now this could be at a toll booth or, you know, the movie theater.

but you know what it's it's getting really old and not just me lots of people have gotten a little bit tired of it Kevin do you really go to toll booths and say I'll have the kung pao chicken yeah that's one of my favorite uh you know

recently went to a theme park and as I pulled up to the booth and saw the exorbitant amount being charged I looked at him and I said, hmm, I'll have the kung pao chicken.

And I always get a hearty laugh and it doesn't get me in the parking free, but it gets a laugh.

You always, you always get, 100% of the time, get a hearty laugh from the, especially from the people who are, who are imprisoned in booths.

I mean, a literal captive audience of one.

When you say a hearty laugh, are you referring to the laugh that you laugh after you say it?

Yeah, good point.

I hadn't thought of that interpretation.

Thank you, Bailiff Jesse.

The joy of the kung pao line is it's the absolute opposite of what you would typically say.

And

it sounds delightful, doesn't it?

Kung Pao?

I mean, it just

is,

I don't know how my family isn't delighted by it and

delighted to see the response out of those who are hearing it.

You did not answer my bailiff's question.

Are you the one laughing or the person who is is trapped in a booth forced to deal with you laughing?

I think I will laugh if the recipient laughs.

Not 100% of the time.

So basically you're saying you don't notice what they're doing at all.

Oh, I do.

I do.

Okay.

Daniel, your father has claimed 100% enjoyment of this joke time and time again.

Do you dispute that assertion?

I surely do.

Can you describe a time when your father has requested the the kung pao chicken and

it did not bring joy to the person who was attempting to take his toll or give him a parking ticket?

If I'm going to be generous,

from what I've seen, I'll give him a 50-50 of,

you know, the person maybe just smiling or the person just saying, wow, really?

Oh, man.

I think he has selective memory.

I think he remembers

maybe the one person who actually laughed out loud, and he paced that over every

following encounter.

It's interesting.

So you are counterasserting a 0 to 1%

hearty laugh rate compared to his 100%.

And the truth has to be somewhere in the middle.

Yeah, hearty laugh is a strong term.

I mean, I'm thinking of a belly laugh.

Like your dad's enjoying right now.

Kevin, you have have an infectious laugh.

And I also have to say

that

when you delivered the line in your dramatic recreation of your parking lot experience,

I kind of chuckled.

It was a pretty good delivery.

You've got to.

To be alive, you have to chuckle.

Well, I

do it again.

All right, here, let's role play it right now.

Well, you know, this is a kind of interaction, but let's just say I'm

what should I be, Bailiff Jesse Thorne?

I don't know.

I'm a police officer.

Okay.

Who's pulled you over for speeding?

That's a good one.

I bet I'd get off if I lay that on an officer.

How about this?

How about you've already gotten a ticket for speeding, and now you're in my courtroom to dispute the ticket?

Okay, so here we go.

Role play.

You ready, Kevin?

Okay.

In the case of Kevin versus the state,

come forth.

Kevin, what do you have to say for yourself?

Your Honor, before we begin, can I

see?

Can I have some Kung Pao chicken?

Fried rice.

You didn't do it right that day.

See, that I don't think.

You were on the spot.

You were on the spot there.

I don't think that was where I would use it.

Right.

Because

it needs to be

so off the wall that it breaks breaks the arduous tasks that the food food provider or the toll booth operator is experiencing.

Oh, so you're doing it as a favor to them?

Kind of.

Kind of.

Okay.

You're like a Johnny Appleseed traveling the nation sowing mirth in our toll booths

by tossing bon motts their way.

His folkloric name would not be Johnny Appleseed.

It would be Kung Pao Kevin.

I like that.

I was taking my daughter back to college one night and I we decided to get yogurt and so we're in this long line and the gal was just exhausted and just hating life.

So I get up there look at the board and say hmm I'll have the kung pow chicken and I tell you she laughed and is still probably laughing.

to this day.

She's still probably laughing to this day.

She said thank you for that.

You're saying that you broke her brain she's now institutionalized

laughing

all right i i interrupted you sir go ahead she said thank you for that she said thank you for that that made my day and i said well you're welcome and my daughter who is one of the

would be a plaintiff if she was here right i said rachel you have to admit she got a kick out of that and she said yeah papa so i think the good overwhelms the bad

what do you acknowledge that there is bad?

There can be.

I've said it, I can remember saying it three or four straight times, and the young food servers just looked at me.

I think one looked at me as if I was getting dementia and thought, oh, this poor guy doesn't know where he's at.

So I was really starting to think, well, maybe the family has a point.

But then I laid it on someone and the hearty laugh pursued and it was like my meter was recharged.

and it's back.

You got your kung pao groove back.

All right.

Daniel, how old is your dad?

Do you even know?

56.

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

It's good.

And Daniel, how old are you?

I'm 28.

And you have at least one sister, sounds like, Rachel.

Correct, and a younger brother as well.

Where are you in the order?

I'm the oldest.

You're the oldest, so you're trying to lay down the law here.

It falls on me, yeah, to

overthrow my father.

Do you speak for all of the siblings?

Well, it doesn't matter if you do or not.

You're the oldest.

You tell them what to think.

That's true.

That's the truth.

Right.

Okay.

But no, yes, I've been kind of their appointed representative in this courtroom.

And they've all wished you luck.

You're their anti-kung pao proxy.

I can't tell you how much positive energy I've received from

many, many different people wishing me luck in this case.

Oh, really?

Do you have like a petition that you've had signatures?

It might as well be.

You're talking about your brother and your sister, but anyone else?

My brother, my sister, coworkers, my stepmom, my yeah, it goes on and on.

Your co-workers?

Correct.

So I work with Kevin.

We work in the mortgage industry, real estate.

And

no wonder you're such a barrel of laughs.

The people we work with have heard the Kung Pao

just as often as, I mean, the rest of us, the family.

So.

And what context are they hearing the kung pao line?

Mostly at our lunch, you know, if we'll go out and grab a bite.

Oh, right.

When a client, so you are mortgage brokers?

Correct.

Is your mortgage brokery called Kevin and Dan?

Kevin and Dan's mortgage?

No, I wish.

That's a good idea.

Is it called father and son mortgage?

It could be here soon.

Is it called

Kung Pao?

Kung Pao Finance Factory.

There we go.

Kung Pao Finance Factory.

Holy cats.

That is a brand I would love to buzz market.

I don't think I would trust that outfit.

Are you kidding me, you guys?

If I had a choice between,

you know, Universal Mortgage, which is, I think, the place where I got my mortgage.

And Kung Pao Finance Factory?

You're going Universal.

Are you kidding me?

I go to KPFF.

How can we get abbreviated?

Yeah.

Bailiff Jesse Thornton, are you with me on this or no?

Yeah, I'm with you.

Kung Pao Finance Factory.

This,

here's your tagline.

Kung Pao Finance Factory.

It's not your father's mortgage company.

It's my father's mortgage company.

Kill me.

Kill me.

That's just a tag.

I was thinking, I'm just, look, I'm brainstorming here.

I'm just trying to help you out.

No, Kevin, I'm just.

Kevin, where are you guys located?

We're in Irvine, California.

Irvine, California.

All right.

And how long have you guys been in business?

Kevin.

25 years.

And when did Daniel join the business?

Daniel joined, what, about six years ago.

My son

was an English lit major and decided he didn't want to teach.

So

welcome to the business, son.

But he's done great.

It must be fun to have your son working with you.

It is.

It is.

Is he doing a good job or is he kind of on probation?

He does a great job.

This business has gotten pretty arduous.

But what's going on in the mortgage industry that makes it so so hard?

You know,

the bubble was blamed on

us to some extent.

And I guess we...

You personally.

Yeah, me personally.

We deserve some of it, I guess.

But the regulation and the minutia is just mind-boggling.

You mean since the financial collapse?

Yeah.

Or near financial collapse, right?

It's gotten a little more challenging.

If I were to come into your office, Kevin, and I'm like, uh

hey um i'd i'd i'd like to get a mortgage would you kung pow me

would you go like hey yeah well i'd like to kung pow chicken so what are we gonna do we'll meet somewhere in the middle no i mean if it were let's say daniel was saying this line

i think i would love i'm i know it's coming I would love to see the reaction of the person on the other side of the counter.

Can I say something here?

Well you're there when you're saying it.

Hang on a second Daniel.

You're there when you're saying it.

Aren't you observing the reaction when you

I am and I guess I'm miffed at the families and friends disgust by it because

I can understand that they've heard it to nauseum.

However

it's it's a gauge upon the person across the counter's

zest for life.

In other words, I've had some waitresses and waiters take it the whole nine yards.

Would you like fried rice or that?

Would you like chow mein?

They come back and say, how's your chow mein?

I mean, they just play it the whole way through.

And those

servers get a nice 25, 30% gratuity, where if someone just looks at me with a blank stare,

they're down to 15%.

That's actually how I deal, John.

I don't know if you know this.

That's actually how I deal with audiences when we're doing live shows.

15% gratuity for audiences who don't laugh at my dumb jokes and up to 35% for those who really bust a gut.

I'm going for it.

How did I do?

So your joke is not merely to entertain and break the tedium of these people whose jobs you believe are boring and unfulfilling, which you have observed by telepathy, but also to test them as human beings as to whether they are worthy of you.

Look, I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but that's exactly what you're saying.

Daniel.

Yes.

How long has Kung Pao been going on?

Oh, God.

Probably 10 years.

Longer than that, he says.

Kevin, I like how you come to your own defense on that one.

Where did you, where, is this your, is this a joke of your own devising, or how did this, how did it come up?

Do you remember how it started?

Yeah, I think it was probably about 20 years ago.

You know how a food server will have a trainee with them.

And I remember this gal introducing, let's call her Sharon, and saying, Sharon's going to take your order now.

So I thought I would, you know, play with Sharon a bit.

And I, when it came to me, I ordered the kung pow chicken, and we were probably at an Italian restaurant.

Well, anyway,

she looked...

confused and then you gave her a 15% tip.

No, I don't remember that.

Daniel, let your father finish his story.

All right.

I thought it was well received by both trainer and trainee and the table.

But how did you, I mean, look, I know, like, if you're a writer or a comedian or a songwriter, it's like how you, how you get stricken with a particular line, it might, it might be difficult to remember exactly what went through your brain, but how did you say, I want to ask her for kung pao chi?

What, how did you settle on kung pao chicken?

How did this guy, what was the spark?

First of all, I really like kung pao chicken.

It's a delicious entree.

And then.

So you're saying if the toll booth operator happened to have some kung pao chicken, you wouldn't be above paying that toll booth operator for the chicken, then consuming that chicken.

Frankly, that would merit a 1,000% tip

if a toll booth operator played along to the point that they actually gave you their kung pao chicken.

Well, yeah, I mean, can you imagine if you

I don't know if I can mention the theme park.

Go ahead.

It was Disneyland and

it's $18, for Pete's sake to park your car there.

So I almost expect some Kung Pao chicken with that.

And

isn't that a little pricey?

But anyway.

That's how I feel when I pay my tax bill.

Those spendocrats better get me some Kung Pao chicken.

But it wouldn't be the same if I said, give me the General chow chicken or something.

In Kung Pao, the...

Well, it's got a good.

It rolls off the tongue, is what you're saying.

There is a certain genius to it.

You know that Kung Pao chicken is named for the late Qing Dynasty governor of Sichuan province, Ding Baozhen, whose title was Gung Bao, which is literally palace guardian.

And it is perhaps the most popular Sichuan dish that exists.

And since 2005, you can actually get authentic kung pao chicken in this country.

Do you know why?

No, why?

Daniel, do you know why?

Uh no.

Sichuan peppercorns, you guys.

Oh.

Sichuan peppercorns are the numbing pepper that you get in authentic Sichuan cuisine, which was banned from import between 1968 and 1990, excuse me, 2005.

And now you can actually get the real thing again.

And frankly, I want to get some tonight because I'm thinking about this Kung Pao chicken so so much.

Maybe I'll go to a parking lot or to a bagel store or go to the subway booth, go to the token booth at the subway and ask for some.

And maybe I'll get some.

Speaking of numbing, this catchphrase is pretty numbing.

There's a lot I have to address here.

All right.

I will let you have your say, Daniel.

Well, okay, now I can see that there's some humor in the Kung Pao chicken.

I think it's probably unrealistic to get him to never say it again.

And I know that you have a strong precedent for wacky dads and their weird behavior.

But context is what's important here.

We've been out to sushi before, where he's asked the waiter for some kung pat chicken, and the waiter was a little bit baffled, thinking...

That was an error.

Do you think all Asian food is the same?

Is that what he said, or that's what you

that's what I could just...

There was just an awkward silence.

And, you know, everyone else at the table, we're counting down how long until we jump in and apologize and say, We're don't worry, we're sorry.

And did I hear a little quiet acknowledgement from Kevin there?

Did you just say that was an error, Kevin?

You did, Your Honor.

That was an error in judgment, and I don't do that anymore.

I don't believe

you don't go into sushi restaurants anymore.

I don't go into sushi or obviously anything closely related.

And for years, I worked as a waiter

at a certain Australian fried onion themed restaurant.

Just say it's Cheesecake Factory.

Yeah, Cheesecake Factory, right?

Let me ask you the question.

Was this restaurant In Front Meat Shack?

Was that the name of the place?

That's exactly what it was.

It was the Infront Meat Shack right next to Kung Pao Finance Factory.

Two new t-shirts, by the way.

We got to get on that right away.

I like it.

But, you know, chain restaurants like that, you know, they have kind of eclectic menus.

They'll have, you know, stuff like that.

If I'm having a rough day and I'm dealing with some real terrible customers, and then if you're in the weeds,

and then

someone asked me seriously, like, for the kung pai chicken,

maybe, you know, maybe I wouldn't recognize it at first.

Maybe it's, oh, do you mean the spicy Diablo chicken or whatever

it could be?

And just knowing that right there, that my gratuity, even if I had excellent service, would go down.

You don't know that.

No, but if I did, I would be able to.

That's a secret your dad is deviously keeping to himself.

That's what I'm saying.

This

just

is just not worth it.

There is no gut-busting belly laughs.

At most,

it's a smile or a chuckle or just a, hey, you got me.

We don't serve Kung Pow chicken.

At worst, it's just an awkward, befuddling, jarring experience while he waits for the person to catch on and laugh, which never happens.

The trade-off is not worth it.

Risk versus reward.

Now, you broke in there, Kevin, to say you don't know that I am silently judging you along my own weird kung pao chicken criteria.

Exactly.

And that your tip is going up and down, fluctuating according to my own sick whim at any given moment.

Because you're keeping that secret to yourself.

But I think it's fair to say that whether or not you are there, whether or not you have revealed your fluctuating sliding scale, every person who has ever served food in a dining establishment that relies on tips by necessity has to feel that they're being silently judged all the time because they usually are.

Whether or not it's you testing them with their with your joke or another diner just testing them with their speediness and their knowledge of the menu.

Isn't that right, Daniel?

That's correct.

But when you're a waiter, you live in fear, do you not?

Oh,

I still.

No, I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes.

Yeah.

Listen to the maniacal laugh of your father.

It's not the knowledge that I'm being judged, it's that I'm being judged for laughing at a joke that is barely funny.

That's it.

Wow.

Kevin, have you waited tables?

I have never.

You have never.

Have you

sold yogurt in a college town?

No.

Have you worked in a toll booth?

No.

Have you

worked the parking lot at Disneyland?

No.

What jobs have you had aside from Kung Pao Finance Factory?

Like when you were growing up, like when you were in high school, summer jobs, that kind of stuff.

You do lawn work you do

it was usually janitorial uh yeah i i i cleaned the bakery during the wee hours when they weren't bacon and stuff like that and so

i i know this the food service people live off these tips and that is very important to them but it baffles me that they go about their business mummified or in a coma.

That's what they have to do to live.

They could be having a bad day, but don't they realize their tips would be and their income would be proportional to how they interact with their customer?

So if they see me throw out this line, obviously I'm a character.

Play with me.

Like a cat plays with a ball of yarn and

you'll get a good gratuity.

Okay, now if it were me, I would recognize that it was a joke and I would probably have to fake, laugh at that joke and wipe a fake tear from my eye and die a little bit inside just because I'm trying to make the tips.

Wow, that's really...

You lose a little bit of yourself every time you have an interaction like that.

You really do.

Surely this is not the first time your son has explained this to you.

Judge,

this is new to me.

I mean, I didn't realize that a piece of the soul was destroyed every time he said this.

But you're laughing because you think this is a huge exaggeration, but sir, let me tell you, it is not.

And here's the thing.

I completely understand

and am sympathetic to you, weird dad Kevin,

because look, I don't know you very well, but I know that you have your own business,

which requires you to be social and interactive with your clients, right?

That's part of your job, right?

Yes, exactly.

And you have to have fun with them.

You have to tell jokes and receive jokes.

And

it's one of those sort of like handshakey type jobs.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

And then your other work experience that you were able to describe, which was cleaning a bakery in the middle of the night, like I'm not, I was in no way suggesting that you're unfamiliar with hard work and sort of

drudged labor, which we all have to do at times in our lives.

Do you know what I mean?

But that was a profoundly antisocial job, right?

Correct.

And so you would have loved to have some impish, weird dad wander into your life and go, I'd like to have some kung pow chicken.

We'll have given you something to do at 2 a.m.

in the bakery, a little mystery to solve.

How did that man get in here and what is he doing?

That would be great.

But service industry, a little bit different, wouldn't you say, Daniel?

A little bit.

Yeah.

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that when you're serving multiple customers over and over and over again in a repetitive task,

people who

are requesting service from you and you are obliged to give it no matter what they do, and in fact, you are being silently judged because you have to, if it's a tipped-based job, say like being a waiter or being a toll booth operator, you know that that's a tipped-based job, right?

You get 20% on every toll.

You are a performer.

You are essentially performing live theater for sequential audiences of one to five.

And yeah, you need to be in a rhythm in order to do that.

And it's hard to be thrown off your rhythm.

And I guess some people might enjoy it, but other people very well may not, because all of a sudden you've got your own son, Daniel, going, Wait, wait, is Kung Tao chicken on the menu?

I'm confused.

And now I have another thing to think about along with all the other things I have to think about.

And maybe you just didn't consider that.

Would you think that's fair, weird dad, Kevin?

You know, that as spoken so eloquently, I would agree with that.

You could be tempted to spit my food over that one, huh?

Oh, I didn't even consider that.

Oh, my gosh.

Kevin, I mean, you probably cannot comprehend the amount of non-your saliva you have ingested

over the years.

And I don't know what toll booth operators are like in Irvine, California, but if I went through the New Hampshire Turnpike on my way to Maine and I dropped a kung pow chicken joke to one of those

living monsters who live in

one of those trained by other humans to become sociopaths lest they give up their entire life themselves.

Toll booth operators, man,

I would get a stare so cold, my heart would immediately freeze.

And

I would cease living.

You're talking a whole different ballgame, it sounds like there.

Yeah, no, that's that's I wouldn't risk it myself.

Now, Judge, one other thing I want to bring up.

Really?

Because it feels like I've kind of made your case for you here, Daniel.

Well,

Daniel, let me pile it on here.

I got a lot writing on this.

I don't like piling on dads.

I'm not sure what you have writing on it.

What is it that you're ordering me to do exactly?

I'm just saying.

If you win this case, if I find in your favor, what is my order?

I'll let you bring up your other point, but I want to get this down out there.

Obviously, the most agreeable to me would be an immediate cease and desist

on the Kung Pao line.

Oh, man.

What bothers you more?

The joke being repeated over and over again or the joke existing at all?

What bothers me the most is not even that he does the joke over and over again, and he does it when you know none of us are around, he'll do it just by himself.

What bothers me is that he knows that it irks us so much that it causes us such discomfort that he'll even tell us about the times he used it when we weren't there and the response he got.

He reads you his kung pow chicken joke diary.

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

He'll come home and say, oh, you should have been there.

I ordered a burrito.

I asked for the kung pao chicken.

The kid, his face lit up.

Oh, he should have been there.

It was great.

And we're forced to relive this moment over and over, even when we are not there.

It's rough.

Do you ever suspect that your father is lying when he's like, oh, no doubt.

No doubt.

I know that you guys didn't see the snuffle up against of everybody enjoying my joke.

I swear he was right here.

It just happened.

It might not necessarily have to be characterized as a lie, Judge Hodgman.

I mean, it could be that he's seeing the world through laugh-colored glasses.

No,

it's not so much that

he doesn't.

If he gets one good reaction, which he does get,

that will last him, you know, making 20 other people uncomfortable.

He'll still think it's worth it and he'll go after it.

Judge, I have to break it.

These numbers being thrown about are completely false.

I would say, and I'm not exaggerating, when I go to Starbucks and order a latte, I say it every time,

I would say 99%

of the people taking that order laugh.

And

I swear that's true.

Is this the same Starbucks every time?

No, it's different Starbucks.

And I'll often say, he keeps a chart of the Starbucks he's used the line on.

I'll often use it.

Well, I mean, if you don't want to repeat Starbucks and you're going to 100 Starbuckses to test this out, yeah, you better keep a chart.

I mean, Daniel's stolen around some errant numbers here.

Hold, order, order, order in this court, order in this court.

This court is now furious with both of you that I don't have.

The Starbucks Kung Pao laugh chart submitted as evidence.

Does this thing exist or does it not exist?

It doesn't exist, but to my knowledge, I would not put it past him to.

Wait a minute.

Daniel, you said he had a chart.

Were you lying?

I am adding a little bit of hyperbole

that I wouldn't put him past him to keep track of who he's used the kung pao line on and to try to work it onto some new people and rotate it.

You know what, Daniel, I've heard enough from you because, frankly, I don't know what is crueler.

Asking a toll booth operator for kung pao chicken as a joke or teasing this court with the promise of a Starbucks kung pao laugh chart that doesn't exist.

I'm finding you in a contempt of court right now.

Whatever my ruling is,

the next time you guys are out for dinner,

Kevin at the very least gets one last kung pao chicken in.

Teach you how to brush you back.

Don't like that at all.

You now just be quiet for a second.

Let me have a chance to be mad at Kevin again.

Kevin, Kevin, you say these numbers are all off.

There is no chart.

There is no data.

Why should I believe you when you say the numbers are all off?

If I said this and

was getting blank stares, like Daniel says I get,

and

wasn't getting the response that I say I've been getting, I wouldn't do it.

Because like like he said, I will do it when no one's around.

And I do it all the time because I think

that person, that Starbucks server, has never heard that before.

And they laugh.

They think it's clever.

And then it opens up other dialogue.

And

it's just a delight.

And a fear of mine is that

your listeners will also use this, and it won't be that novel.

It's an actual fear.

You're afraid you're burning your material?

Yeah, this is like my baby.

And I'm afraid that it's gonna be the

son is your baby?

First the kung pow, then then me and the other the other children.

Can I just say I love my dad.

I love that he's a character.

I love that he wants to make people smile and laugh when he goes around.

Thank you.

I just think

he's a witty guy.

He can do so much better than this.

I really can't.

I mean, if you're contending that his forcing a joke on service industry personnel is inherently disruptive and disrespectful, then it's not an issue of coming up with a better joke.

No, correct.

I've heard it for 20 years, so I'm a little bit biased, I would say.

You're going to be a little bit sorry when after this podcast breaks at Kung Pao Chicken Joke is going to be the most viral meme in the world.

You'll get nothing for it.

I'm going to be out there with my kung pow finance factory t-shirt making all kinds of money kevin in the affidavit that was presented to me uh our producer talked to you and these are the notes that she wrote down based on things that you said

kevin really wants to be thought of as a character and remembered as such i'll ask you to respond to that is that true that is true i

always growing up my friends whose fathers were full of personality and characters are are the dads that I would love to interact with and and

Judge wouldn't you say that was your case growing up when you when you

want to engage and be around those fathers who were characters I feared character dads

well whether you feared them or loved them they carried a certain charge

that your own boring dad didn't carry

and that made them a little bit more interesting.

And maybe you loved them precisely because you didn't have to deal with them all the time,

day in, day out, like your own dad.

I think I've heard everything I need to do in order to render my decision.

I am going to go into my toll booth and hope no one bothers me while I make my deliberations.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Daniel, how do you feel about your chances in the case?

You know, I feel pretty good.

I feel like without bashing Kevin too much, I've opened his eyes a little bit to

that other people can understand the complaints that we tell him all the time.

Daniel, you're a grown man who calls his dad Kevin.

Why do you even care?

Well, see, I work with him.

I see him every day.

It's not just me either.

Like I said, there's a lot of other people counting on me

for justice to be done.

Kevin, how do you feel about your chances?

Not as good as

I did coming in.

I really thought this might be the judge's most open and shut case.

Because

why would my son want me to not brighten people's days?

But

I guess there is a flip side to that coin, which I never really saw.

Well, I mean, I think we can agree that your son seems like a real monster

trying to prevent you from brightening people's days.

He is, don't you think?

He's a real storm cloud in front of the sun.

That is you.

You were the sun brightening America's days.

He is a pregnant storm cloud.

Wow, wow.

Dark with water.

Well, we'll see what the judge has to say about all of this when we come back in just a minute.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

I remember when I was growing up in Brookline, Massachusetts, and I was a teenager in high school, and

there were some character dads around.

John Wolfe's dad was pretty funny.

I remember one, Valerie Gintis' dad, made a joke that I remember every day, and is one of the formative jokes in my life.

It was a very dad joke, but I didn't realize it at the time.

And I was getting getting a ride home from Coolidge Corner with her or something, and her dad picked her up, and I got in the car.

She said, oh, wait, hang on a second.

I got to go over to the bookstore to Brookline Booksmith, to Buzz Market, my hometown bookstore, still great.

She said, I got to go to the bookstore to get a book.

And he goes, why?

You already have one.

I loved that joke.

You already have a book.

Why do you need to buy one?

That was the context of the joke.

And what made it such a classic dad joke was not only was it corny and a little bit dumb, but also it was delivered in such a dad deadpan.

And that's why it worked.

Now,

you know,

Kevin and Daniel, that I am a professional humorist.

Comedy is my business.

And I am here to tell you that I'll have some kung pow chicken on paper is a terrible, terrible joke.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit that the first time you did it, Kevin,

the very first time, and you did this understand like, hmm, I have the kung pao chicken,

you kind of got me.

See the magic?

You have a delivery, sir, that I enjoy a lot.

And I hope you take this as flattery, and also that you know what I'm talking about.

When I say there's a little bob and ray in what you're doing with your voice, and even a little,

what is it, coil and sharp there, Jesse?

Yeah.

There's it got a little that kind of sing-songy nasal

low deadpan thing going on.

I'm not saying you hit it all the time, but there's something about the really understated way you did kung pow chicken that made me think this could be a funny joke in certain contexts.

Now you think sir that it's a funny joke in every context

and yet you also know instinctively that that's not true because I said to you let's role play you're in my courtroom I'm a judge and you're petitioning or you're trying to get out of a speeding ticket.

You're like, I wouldn't do it then.

And I said, well, you know, what if I were a client coming to buy a mortgage?

I probably wouldn't do it then either.

And there's a reason, right?

Because the whole point of the joke is formed on a power differential in which you have the power.

And this is something that I don't think that you understood about this joke until Daniel and I really lay into you for it, which is that when you are sitting in a restaurant, or approaching someone at a yogurt shop, you have the power to get that person in trouble.

You have the power to

make that person's life more difficult.

You have the power, and indeed act on the power, to withhold tips if they do not dance for your particular pleasure in the way that you deem to be correct.

And they're as aware of it as you are.

And therefore, it is easy to throw I'll have the kung pao chicken onto a cashier at the yogurt place.

And it may be that in that moment, she appreciates that it is your desire to add a little texture to her life, because there's nothing more monotonous than the smooth texture of frozen yogurt.

But it may also be, and I think this is what Daniel is pointing out to you, a point of true confusion.

for someone who is telling, who is receiving this joke in a restaurant of any kind,

and a moment of anxiety, because all of a sudden one of the people who is coming up in the line of unfamiliar faces moment after moment after moment in that person's day is a wild card and you don't know where they're coming from and you don't know what they're asking and you don't know whether it means they're telling a little joke or or maybe

I as the service person am having a stroke and don't understand language anymore.

But they have to process all of that and then decide what am I going to do about this person who is making my day complicated all of a sudden.

And if they come to the correct conclusion that it's a joke, then they may feel obliged to go, ha ha,

I get it.

What do you want, really?

And then

they can move on with their lives.

I don't dispute, honestly, sir, that you're getting laughs with this joke.

Real laughs, warm laughs that you're sharing with people who get your intent when you do it.

But I have to imagine that that is a minority of opinion.

Even when people are laughing, they are laughing potentially under the duress of what happens if I don't laugh at this weird dad's joke.

And quite honestly, that's not being a character anymore.

That's causing a problem for other people.

And that's not as funny.

Okay?

Because true comedy, true comedy, and I'm saying this as someone who most people accuse of not practicing true comedy, and they're probably right.

True, fearless comedy would be

being called before a judge, and the judge says, What do you have to say for yourself?

And you say, I think I'll try the kung pao chicken.

When you're putting yourself at risk,

that's comedy.

When you're threatening others implicitly

with a lowered tip,

that's terrorism.

And so the truth is that comedy is profoundly subjective, and I have not taken any time to walk in your clown-sized shoes, to experience your judgment when you deploy this joke versus when you don't deploy it.

You're saying that you're going into Starbucks.

And you've done it multiple times and they always love it.

I would enjoy seeing you go into the same Starbucks every day at the same time and telling it over and over and over again until it becomes an Andy Kaufman-style endurance joke.

That would be something I would enjoy a lot.

But

I don't want to be the guy who forces someone to remove humor from their lives.

So you have heard my warnings, and I think you've heard your son

in a new way with regard to

making your waiter or waitress deal with a joke that they may not understand.

And I will say this right now.

Since you have heard us both, I will not deny you this kung pao chicken joke.

Rather, I want you to work on it.

So I will say,

you may not make this joke anymore

in restaurants of any kind.

There is simply too much of a likelihood of confusion.

And confusion is not funny, but terrifying to a weight person who has a million things on their minds, believe me.

Clarity and respect is what you owe a weight person.

You may

selectively deploy this in a retail interaction.

Because what makes this the potential to be funny, aside from your own deadpan delivery, which I enjoy, is the contrast between what you are asking for and what the establishment actually serves, right?

So

if you are in a hat store and you ask for kung pow chicken, that's getting closer to funny.

But it still verges on terror for the person serving you

because they are, after all, a captive.

trapped audience.

If you sense that the person is game, you can give it a try.

Maybe give it a try at Starbucks.

You seem to know your audience there.

But I would encourage you, if you really want to hone this to be a real joke, to restrict yourself to places where telling this joke may cause you

profound disapproval, a mean stare, or a physical altercation.

Places like, I mean, I think

a toll booth is the perfect place for you to do this joke because you might get in trouble.

You might not be allowed to go forward.

And if you can deliver the joke such that you can get a legit laugh from a toll booth operator,

then I think you have accomplished everything you need to with this joke and you are ready to retire it.

I do order you to rename your business Kung Pao Finance Factory so that you so that I will not be the only one profiting off that name.

But otherwise, keep it out of restaurants and start thinking a little bit more about what it's like to be on the other side of the counter in a real way, not just in the way that you think they just all want some weird dad to come joking at them right away.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge Sean Hodgman rules that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Daniel, how do you feel?

Feel pretty good.

I got to say, that was

more than I was expecting to get.

What was your expectation?

Weird dads are great.

Don't touch them.

You're wrong.

Was kind of what I was expecting.

That's a t-shirt.

Kevin, how are you feeling?

A little shocked, I guess.

I'm taking a loss out of this.

I did tell my wife and all my loved ones that I would abide by the judge's ruling.

And

I think a tear is forming by the thought that I can't use this in a restaurant.

A tear of joy.

No, a tear.

Sir, it's not a funny joke in a restaurant because they serve food there.

Look, it may never be funny.

But I'm trying to give you the best comedy knowledge I have to offer.

For it to even be close to funny, it's got to be high contrast.

It's got to be delivered perfectly.

And you have to understand that

you're not entertaining a person.

You are disrupting a person's life for your own amusement in the great long tradition of coil and sharp style prank comedy, which is what this is.

So if you can accept that reality, then you might be getting something closer to comedy.

Yeah,

I see that.

And I am excited.

One thing that came to mind during this is that if I do get pulled over by a CHP or a police officer, as he comes up to the window, I will ask him for the kung pao chicken.

I think that might get me off of a ticket.

Oh, man.

I'm not asking you to get into trouble with the law, but if that situation presents itself, I want to have you back on this podcast and I want to hear all about it.

I'm almost going to deliberately speed so I can try it.

Now you're endangering the public.

I will not allow anyone to die for your kung tax.

Gentlemen, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

It was truly a pleasure.

All right.

Thank you.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So, let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, sorry to disturb you here in your chamber.

Sorry, I'm just trying to order some Kung Pao chicken.

I was going to order some Kung Pao chicken from you, but it's fine.

Well, you know what?

Good thing you're here at Refinanced Kung Pao Factory because I'm buying some Kung Pao.

I'm going to bundle that Kung Pao with other Kung Pao chickens and sell you a Kung Pao mortgage product.

Judge Hodgman, we're going on tour.

Tickets are on sale now.

We're going to be performing in the Northeast.

Of the United States.

Of the United States.

Not the Northeast Territories.

Is that a Territories of Canada?

No.

But we're going to be in New England.

In Portland, Maine, September 16th, Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, with good time, summertime.

Guest Monty Belmonte there too.

That's his theater.

September 17th, Boston.

September 18th, Brooklyn.

That's where I live.

September 19th, I'll be there.

And then Philadelphia and Washington, D.C., all the dates and ticket links are available at maximumfund.org on the right-hand side of the page or at johnhodgman.com slash tour.

And as a little added bonus, I've mentioned it before.

I'll mention it again.

If you happen to be able to and wish to and are nuts enough to go to Portland and Turner's Falls and Boston shows, and you show me your ticket stubs, I will personally meet and greet you after the show backstage.

And we're also going to be in London, which is the southeast of the country of England.

Which I'm pretty sure is a province in Canada.

That is absolutely correct.

Thank you.

The London Podcast Festival has invited us to come over there and do Judge John Hodgman as well as some other Maximum Fun shows too, right?

Yeah, International Waters and Bullseye with me, Jesse Thorne.

And they invited us and we said yes, which is how you say yes in English.

So come join us in London.

The tickets are on sale now also at maximumfun.org or johnhodgman.com slash tour.

Hey, this week's case was named by Chris Fazio.

Thank you, Chris Fazio.

If you want to name a case in the future, oh, it's easy and fun.

Just follow at Hodgman on Twitter and at Jesse Thorne on Twitter.

And like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook and join the Maximum Fun Facebook group.

That is, connect with us via social media.

Yeah, why not?

Our producer on the show is Jennifer Marmer.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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