HEAL, MASTURBATE, BE FEARLESS, KEEP GOING!!

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Hi, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous people of my beloved Cat Kingdom, our fast, fast-growing worldwide community where we can talk freely about everything: sex, dating, and relationships.

And today, my guest is this super, super cool, gorgeous, gorgeous lady all the way from London.

Her name is Enalie Howling.

She's a performance coach, a trauma specialist, and I fell in love with her Instagram because her posts are very,

very powerful, very helpful, incredible messages, and she's just gorgeous to look at.

So, please, please, please go to my Instacat Zamuro or RioCat on the Luz and check it out because she's incredibly inspirational and incredibly nice.

So, I decided to talk to her about some super important topics that most of us have gone through or are going through, such as healing.

How do we heal from betrayal?

How do we heal from being cheated on how do we heal from the famous heartbreak and i love that she's a huge advocate of masturbation as am i so i was really excited to talk to an expert about it the importance of masturbation and how we need to normalize the subject for once and for all and we talked about all kinds of stuff including how do we face our fears how do we go after our dreams so this episode is packed with super super cool information i hope you guys enjoy it and i hope you take something out of it.

She's absolutely nice, nice, nice, nice, and super, super intelligent and gorgeous.

Right up my alley.

And before I bring you my fabulous conversation with Annalee, this is the usual disclaimer, fair warning for those of you new to Cat on the Lose and our Cat Kingdom.

This podcast is 100% organic.

It's never edited.

It's never scripted.

And I get asked this question all the time.

What do you mean, organic?

What do you mean by it?

And this is what I mean.

It's not a studio podcast.

It's not a canned podcast.

It's not a perfect podcast.

It's very, very, very different from all the podcasts you see out there because it's my style.

I want to bring real conversations, literally the way we talk in real life.

It's just the way I like to do my work.

Yeah, if I'm acting, if we're acting and you cut the scene a bunch of times and you add it, that's great because it's acting.

But in real life, when we're having a conversation with our friends, with experts, with anyone, even if we say something stupid or we don't know, you keep going.

And that's the vibe that I bring into Canon De Loose.

So sometimes, yes, I'm in my home studio, like today.

Anna Lynn is all the way in London, so we did it via Zoom.

But sometimes it's in my guests' homes, in bars, in restaurants, at events, on the streets.

We basically take the stories, take the the guests and and put it out there into the real world and that's how i roll and i really really really hope you guys enjoy it i know it's not for everyone some people want the perfect audio the little music the little sound bite and i know there are thousands and thousands there are over four million podcasts in the world My audience, you guys, just love our natural organic approach and that's how we do it.

And I am very proud to say that I've been sticking to my guns despite the fact that so many many platforms offer me all kinds of money to change my style, do a Cannes Studio podcast.

I'm like, no, I think Caton Deleuze is bringing in real conversations and we're opening up, talking about these topics that are so, so important and try to normalize certain subjects that women for so many years were embarrassed to talk about, such as sex, such as masturbation, such as...

pleasure.

So I'm definitely going to keep the format and I hope you enjoyed.

If you like organic natural conversations, not a lot of fluff, this podcast might be for you.

If it is, I truly appreciate so much.

If you click subscribe, if you want to give us a five-star rating, any comments, tell your friends because this is what keeps us going.

Thank you for those of you who do listen all the time.

I love you very, very, very much.

You have no idea how much I appreciate each and every single one of you.

Annalie Howling, I hope I'm pronouncing your name properly.

Oh, you are.

Thank you.

And I have to say, I saw your videos on Instagram, but now that I'm seeing you on Zoom, you are absolutely stunning.

You're so gorgeous.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

If you are not a performance coach and a trauma specialist, you know 1 million percent you could be a top model, right?

Thank you very much.

As an exhausted single mother right now at 8 o'clock at night in the UK, I will

no, seriously.

And that, so you are right up my alley.

So I was telling my audience, my team and I were always trying to find interesting, inspiring people to come to the podcast.

And when they showed me your Instagram, it really hit me.

And I hope you guys go there and check it out because it's packed, it's very simple.

Like, you know, and I don't like those posts that are like a lot of stuff fluff, fluff, right?

Around yours are like really down to the point, but everything that you put there is like super, super powerful.

And I'll tell you guys which phrase caught my eyes first.

But so that's how I found you.

So the first thing I want to say is your work is amazing.

Thank you so much.

Can you give us a little bit of your background?

How you became a performance coach and a trauma specialist before I ask you the 10 million questions that I want to ask you?

Yeah, of course, happily.

So basically, I had an absolutely catastrophic burnout when I was in my late 20s, just about to be approaching 30.

I was working in the city, in London.

I had a big, successful job, like all the stuff, you know, all the things that you aspire to at that point in life, or at least I thought I did, that made me like successful in Indited Tomas.

Commerce.

And I was just ill, and I didn't know why.

And, like, you know, I thought I had stomach issues, or I thought I had an intolerance to certain food groups, or whatever.

And it wasn't that, I was intolerant to my life, and I was trying to force myself into a life that just wasn't aligned with my own design.

And I actually ended up going to California, which is where you are now, and studying coaching after having a really profound session with a friend of mine.

And this is like quite a long time ago.

This is

42 now, that was like 13 years ago.

And I remember this visualization she did with me, and it was just so transformative.

And I was like, I have to know everything about this coaching.

And it was very kind of a bit woo-woo then in the UK.

It wasn't as it is now, and everyone's sort of, you know, it wasn't celebrated, everyone was a bit suspicious of it, to be honest.

And that's really where my journey began: 13 years ago in California, learning how to unpick years of conditioning and being a very sort of British you know stiff upper lip brick and keep calm and carry on in a room full of Californians which is amazing I mean you did it was very much like I wasn't used to this outpouring of kind of emotion and celebration and actually you just celebrating me there like I wasn't used to it and it would just make me and I think because I had like feelings of unworthiness it would make me feel so uncomfortable and that was the beginning of me unpicking a lot of stuff in my own narrative and about myself and my self-worth.

And that was also this journey which leads me here today.

Amazing.

Okay, so let's start there because that's one of the posts that I love and really touched me.

Like, seriously, sometimes your videos made me want to cry, but like in a good way, because I'm very emotional and they hit a nerve.

So, you did a little video just a while ago, and you talk about exactly what you just said.

So many of us are so burned out, and we're literally on survival mode.

And then, of course, we don't want to talk about our problems, but a lot of us don't know how to get out of this state of being burned out.

And of course, for a lot, most people in the world out there, you know, money plays a huge part.

Because if you're burned out, burn out, burn out, but you desperately need to make money.

It's not like you say, Okay, I'm gonna go to the south of France on vacation, right?

Like the millionaires do.

So we're talking here about like normal people.

So I guess that would be the first question.

If anybody out there listening to us is in this situation, how do you get out of it?

What is the first step?

Something like simple and basic that anybody could do?

Sure.

So I mean it's like me telling a little bit of that story then.

It sounds really romantic and delightful, but you know, that was 13 years ago.

I went to San Francisco and I did the studying, but I didn't come back with a ready-made business.

You know, I came back with a qualification, some new friends and like starting a bit of a journey, but it's not like i came back with like here here's a business that you're gonna love that's really fulfilling that's gonna get you out of this shit show sorry it's my evening that you're in right now that's like destroying you and so i had to start like really gradually and that's what i'd say to people is just beginning to unpick so a piece at a time you know which people were not maybe supporting my journey and who did i feel worse even people that i like

but some people i just didn't have it in me honestly to kind of be around that energy.

So, maybe even things like that, like for a period of time, if somebody is very triggering to you or it's, it's not supporting you where you are, take yourself away from it, you know, for and you can even communicate that.

Like, I'm going to have a cocoon phase.

I'm going to put myself into a cocoon for now because I need to pull back what shreds and shards of energy I do have left, as you say, to get through my job, to look after my kid, to like just try and keep my mind together.

And I remember as well, we had two lockdowns in the UK.

I'm not quite sure how it worked in the States, but the second lockdown that we had here was a very difficult point for me mentally.

I was going through my divorce, I was on lockdown, I don't have sort of family support around me, single parenting,

no romantic relationship, completely singled, all of these sorts of things, and disconnected from like my support networks or systems.

And I was working and I was dealing with a lot of trauma for other people.

So I was finding it really, really, really hard.

And in those moments, I go back to basics.

And basics for me is like the fundamentals cannot do without.

And so, like, I believe we can speak really openly on this one.

Yes, please.

1 million percent.

I call it the two M's, meditation and masturbation.

So, you know, I'm glad you're bringing that up.

I'm a huge advocate for masturbation.

I started my own sex toy line

because I agree with you.

I encourage, I tell women, I have girlfriends that didn't do it on my card.

Are you kidding me?

You shouldn't wait for the right partner.

Orgasms relieve stress.

They do, and pain.

Yeah, and so much work.

There's been studies done by the Flow Genome Project and others about some orgasms used for migraine relief and stress relief.

But for me, it was kind of

almost meditative practice.

And pleasure is a very important foundation when I was in this situation where, frankly, there wasn't a lot lot of lovely things happening in my life, you know.

Because,

like a lot of us, right?

We've, I think, so many people have been through this, whether it was during COVID or not.

You know, I'm the same, I've been through a horrific divorce, I've been through loss, I've been through everything.

Every day, I wake up and I'm like, I don't even know how I got here.

And I get this question all the time, and I'm not an expert.

And people ask me, Oh my god, how do you move on?

How do you start over from zero?

How do you become some so strong?

And I honestly don't know the answer.

This is why I keep turning to experts like you to hopefully, you know, tell people how do they take the first step if they're feeling burned out, if they're feeling stuck in a situation, if they're like lose all their hope.

Yeah, yeah, so I would I love what you said then.

And so for me, it was taking out everything else.

So what are the foundations I need?

So yeah, like meditating, masturbating, yeah, which is a pleasure practice, right?

But also like taking time to enjoy a coffee because that gives me pleasure, like pockets of pleasure for me, making sure I moved my body every day in some way, you know, carving out time to try and be present with my daughter.

And then also just, you know, getting us out and doing different things.

And also work.

Work is something that I need.

It's part of my purpose and being creative.

Everything else can go.

You know, I was, as you say, the burnout piece, I had to do my divorce.

I couldn't not do that.

I couldn't not speak to the lawyers.

I couldn't not, um, you know, be showing up and being involved in that project.

So, what I did there as well, because that was like burnout, and you know, because you've been through it as well, and people listening will have been-it's the war of attrition, yeah, and it's designed.

The process is designed.

I was actually speaking on a panel yesterday about collaborative divorce and about how it can be so different.

And there's real hope that that will be something that's supported, and it's very hopeful for the future.

But in my experience with the legal team, my ex and I get on very well, and we kept our co-parenting completely separate from the divorce discussions.

But that was completely overwhelming.

And I just had to say to myself, right, I need to strip everything else out here.

I have to approach the divorce as one of the biggest projects I will ever undertake.

And I have to put my, you know, when I take on a project, I put my all into it.

So this has to be my sole-focused project.

And then the foundations of self-care that I put in around it, including knowing that I can have a moment of bliss and release and pleasure.

And, you know, something just for me frankly just for myself and a healthy outlet as I view it yeah all the texts and I that as I did yeah and I love that you said

work because to me when we are going through something horrible like a breakup a divorce any kind of severe stress I agree to me what keeps me going is my work

I think it's always better than like sitting on the couch crying, right?

And I know a lot of girls out there, people think I'm like a multi-millionaire because I live in Beverly Hills.

It's not true.

I work my ass off every single day, still rebuilding from basically losing my entire life when my husband died.

But I believe that it makes me stronger every single day.

Like if you find something that you love to do and you focus on that, right?

And I know some people think it's so hard.

They don't feel motivated.

They're like, oh my God, like even like people that are in abusive relationships, you know, like

they don't find the strength to start over or start something new or focus on something.

Is there like one easy first step, like something that you would say that encourages someone to start over or take a step in the right direction?

What I would say is almost like turning on it's on its head.

So I did an interview early this morning and it was for a podcast for sort of aimed at girls in their 20s.

And it was like, what advice would you give to your much younger self?

Which is quite a lovely question in in you know different areas

and I was I found myself talking about the two unhappiest most anxious ridden times of my life and they were both one when I was having the burnout with work and I knew I needed to change that but I didn't know the answer and two was when I knew I needed to leave my marriage and I was scared about it but the both things that were so painful was the point before the decision.

When the decision was made, I'm not saying there weren't difficult times, but the pain was gone.

It's the pain of like holding it together, the pain of trying to,

you know, the anxiety of not making the decision.

So I would say to anybody that's in that pain right now, like the indecision, the procrastination, the resistance to the thing that you know is something inside your gut that you need to at least approach or take a step towards.

The most painful points in my life have been when I've been in that suspended state of not taking action.

And every time I've taken a step forward or taken any action all,

there's relief, instant relief.

I feel the exact same way, and I know so many people stay in horrible marriages, horrible relationships, because they are so afraid of taking that very difficult step.

It took me 14 years

to grow the strength to say, you know what, I cannot deal with this anymore.

I was verbally abused sometimes.

I was physically abused.

It was a nightmare, but just because my husband was so rich, he was a multi-millionaire, people looking from the outside in,

they were like, oh, she has this perfect life.

She has this perfect life.

But they didn't see my pain because we try to cover it.

And it was such a process.

And I agree with you, but the minute I had the courage to just like go away, I finally felt like such a huge weight came off of my shoulders.

But most people I know, they don't have that courage.

I get messages, especially from women.

Men have more balls, but especially from women all over the world that they're in miserable marriages, that they're being abused like I was.

But they're like, oh, but I depend on him financially.

Oh, but my kids, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So what would you say if one of these girls is listening to us now, and I agree with you, the hardest step is to make the decision.

But how do you convince somebody, make the best decision for you?

Yeah, I mean,

I leapt off the deep end without certainty.

The certainty that I had was that I couldn't continue in that situation because he and I would have hated each other, and I didn't want that for our daughter.

And it was just simply, I couldn't be, I can't, I've never been able to be in anything fake, I've never been able to be with, you know, fake energy or anything like that.

And I have people say to me, I have genuinely had people say to me, do you not think you should wait and find someone else first?

You know, that was the, so speaking to me.

Oh, like you need a partner, you can't be alone.

I couldn't possibly do it alone, but also, I was like, I mean, how is that going to be good for anyone that means that

it would be the worst thing imaginable?

We wouldn't, and for me, included in that.

Like, I didn't, the reason I left my marriage is because I didn't want to be somebody's wife, you know, and also there were other things in our dynamic that we just didn't fit anymore.

But, like, yeah, this was this, these were suggestions, and it was, and it's fears, it's other people's fears.

So, I would say to people listening, make sure if you have your fear, that's one thing, right?

But are you taking on fears from other people?

Is it your fear?

Because if it's your fear, you can look at the root of that.

You can look at the wound of it.

You can look at whether you're, you know, is it financial concern?

I've lived through financial concern for a long time and it's not a nice place to live.

I work,

this is a joy, but I work a lot of evenings.

You know, there's been so many times that I just hear myself saying, sorry, baby, sorry, baby.

You know, rushing off the bed to get onto a Zoom call to speak to a client in the States, which is a big market for me because I've got bills to pay and you don't necessarily get options, but I would never go back.

You know, like, again, I'm not throwing my ex under the bus here, he's a good, really good guy.

But like, I just, that container, our marriage, I could no longer be in.

Yeah, and you know, that wasn't going to serve either of us.

So

I want to just say that, and I found out as well,

there's another couple of things, especially with abuse, that's really important that I'd like to raise, especially because you share your story so beautifully and you're giving courage to other people.

I saw a clip of Brene Brown and she explained where the word courage comes from and it comes from the Latin word curve which means heart and so to be courageous is to tell your story with your whole heart.

Oh I love that.

I never heard that before.

Yeah, it's about the true vulnerability.

So to be courageous is to tell your story with your whole heart.

So when people are saying I don't have the courage, start telling your story to someone with your whole heart.

And start speaking, and your whole heart is also not just the shitty stuff.

Your whole heart is your hopes, you know, your dreams, your visions,

your desires.

You know, so start speaking your story, whole heart, to someone, even if it's like the internet, you know.

Even if you write a diary, right?

What helped me realize that I needed to get out of the marriage, I started writing.

Like every night that I was sad, that he called me names, that he, I would write it down, write it down.

And then one day I started reading it back and I was like, oh my God, you know, this is so awful.

How many months?

How many years can I go through that?

And I love, love, love that you said this about courage because somehow I really believe we all have that inside.

But, and we're going to talk about fear for sure because that's a huge topic.

But I told you there's so much to cover.

cover this would be like a five-hour interview it's crazy

but i i always hope that and that's my message every time i do the podcast that any woman and man for that matter if you are in a miserable relationship do a lot of self-reflection because you have that courage to put yourself first and be happy everybody has that inside do you agree Totally.

I actually, it's interesting you say that.

I was doing some work with my assistant today.

We were like just planning out sort of some stuff for the rest of the year.

And I made, it's funny you say about journaling, I made myself a self-reflection sort of guide to questions and answers.

And I collated it from my own stuff, from coaching work, from therapy work, from things I'd read.

And I made it into this, like, you know, I was like, I'm going to do this.

Like, we're going there.

We're going into my past.

We're going into my relation to pleasure.

whole section on that, you know,

because I'm like, right, if I'm, if I'm in this space, I want to really go and self-reflect and just find out what's in there, and you know, what's interesting, what do I, what my needs are.

I think most women and a lot of men, but a lot of women really don't have any idea what their needs are.

And if they do know, the courage to communicate them, to name your needs, especially in romantic relationship, is terrifying to most of you.

Yes.

And if you've been in a relationship where your needs were invalidated or you were gaslighted, you know, and so it's a very difficult thing to suddenly start communicating and naming needs.

That's that's telling your story with your whole heart.

No, oh my god, it's tough.

Which brings me to the next one that I read on your Instagram that I really love and it really resonates with me.

And I know so many girls.

You wrote, you bring a lot to the table.

So act

like it.

I have read this before, but I started thinking, we're talking about about high-value women.

So let's be super honest here.

We are very beautiful.

We are very intelligent.

We are very hardworking, loyal.

We have like a million qualities, like thousands and thousands, hundreds of thousands of women out there.

So I'm not talking about the piece of shit, drug addict, or anything.

I'm talking about people that have their act together, like us.

And still,

so many of us put up with shit from their partners, puts puts up with crap like from their dates, when they don't treat us properly, when they ghost us.

We still like

accept certain behaviors.

We accept to be treated less than what we know.

We know.

And I talk to my single girlfriends about it.

I'm guilty.

I have done it.

I don't know if you've done it.

If you date.

We like, oh, but I like him.

Oh, but I like him.

We excuse their behavior.

And we know, like you said, we know our value, we know what a fantastic partner we are, and we still accept shit from men.

I'm gonna talk, I know I have a big male audience, same thing with guys.

Like, I have high-value, high-quality guys, some of them are multi-millionaires, so handsome, so nice, na-na-na.

And they date this bitches, pardon my French, that treat them like shit, cheat on them, demand gifts.

So, it's both sexes.

I'm saying, like, why do we accept less than we deserve?

Do you know why?

Because it drives me crazy.

And I'm trying to break the cycle for me.

I think I broke most of it.

And my girlfriends too, but we still make this mistake.

Like, if we like a guy, we still keep put up with their shit.

Do you know why?

And how do we change it?

Sure.

So, I mean, what you're sort of describing is self-abandonment and self-betrayal, which is where we know like the the things that we need and the things that are, you know, important to us, including qualities we might want in a partner.

And then maybe we start dating somebody, and all of a sudden, you're like, oh, well, it doesn't really matter that they're not a very good parent, or oh, never mind, it's fine.

I know that I always said I wanted to live in, you know, a certain place, but they're never going to do that.

I'll, you know, I'll accommodate.

And there's a difference between compromise and like shredding your values away for another person.

And I think the root of all of it is that we are afraid of being alone with ourselves.

So, I don't mean being lonely, that's very different.

Being lonely, you know, not being connected, not having human connection, that's that is important.

We need to be connected and be in systems with social animals.

But there is a huge fear, I think, that runs this engine inside of us that makes us run towards other people, even if we know they're unsuitable and away from our own values.

And that's because we can't be alone with ourselves and I went on a solo holiday last week and I posted a little bit about it I was away for three nights on my own and the messages I got that's so brave of you I really

do that I'm not there yet I really hope I could do it courageous

so many messages and they were lovely loads of them were like good for you you know there was a lot of really lovely work all of it was positive but there was so much of people saying I wish I could do that I wish I was brave enough to have this time alone.

And that's what I mean.

If you're driven by this fear of not

just avoiding, just avoid, avoid, avoid at all costs, having to be alone with me.

And by that, I mean without doom scrolling, without, I don't know, distractions.

There's always something to do, you know, you know, putting a load of laundry on or going to the gym, there's all doing more work.

There's always something to do.

But when I did that, this self-reflection thing, which I've actually made into a guide, but like when I did this, it's like, no, I'm gonna be with me right now, you know, and get used to it and get comfy.

Yeah.

Just be

and I think, I think, well, honestly, it's a process.

I agree with you, especially like for people that have been in long relationships.

I learned, like, I 1 million percent, I love being alone.

Like, I enjoy my life, my work, my home.

I want to have a partner for sure.

I love being in a relationship.

I miss like the ability of having sex every night, you know, things like that.

Definitely planning a trip with someone.

But if you get to the place that you love your life and your company and everything you do by yourself, it's so empowering.

It makes a benchmark.

That's what I always say to people.

I've got loads of male clients as well who have been victims of narcissistic relationships and gaslighting.

I, in fact, I probably have more men that come to me for narcissistic relationships than I do females.

I just want to put that out in the system exactly as you said.

That's not, you know, I'm certainly not anti-man in any way, shape, or form.

But the ability to, if you're just not afraid of you, like I say, it makes your benchmark so high.

So if I'm dating somebody and I'm like, do you know what?

I don't know that we're aligned on values.

And here's the thing: I'm going to name my needs, which is a really courageous act.

And I did that earlier on this year.

There was someone I was starting to date, and I was like, this could have some potential.

And I had started to tell myself a story about some of the things that they'd said.

And I was like, right, I'm going to go on this day and I'm going to name my needs.

I'm going to say, listen, this is a story I'm beginning to tell myself

about this thing and about this thing.

Can you let me know?

Because if that's the case, this isn't going to be for me.

Right.

And I know that.

And if that wasn't the case, as it turns out, I've got it.

completely wrong, you know, so I thank goodness for naming my needs and then also listening to the answer.

But if I hadn't have done that, if I hadn't have given myself the time to be with myself, I crave my own company.

I love, you know, being by myself as well.

My benchmark is so high that if he'd said, yeah, actually, that is exactly right.

The story you're telling yourself is exactly what I've been like, you know what?

So lovely to hang with you, but this just isn't for me.

And the other option, which is being by myself, is incredible.

Like there's no downside to me.

That's either a brilliant relationship that is going to enhance my life or it's not going to be a relationship with this person and my already incredible life is better like i think like romantic relationships should be like a you know finishing terrific condiment oh yeah

oh my god i agree with you so much i'm in the same place with my life i want somebody that will add right to our happiness encourage our work yeah like a cherry on top of the cake but if it's somebody that's gonna bring stress to me or like criticize my work and all the shit that I went through before, I'm like, no, I'm done.

And I love that you said that you, you tell the, because I do that too.

And some of my friends think I'm crazy.

Like when I meet someone and we're going to date, I tell them like right from the get-go, you know, like, this is what I do.

I do the podcast.

I talk about sex.

Then if you don't, if I smell that they're not comfortable with it,

I'm like, okay, you're not for me because I'm not going to give up work.

Like I made a mistake when I was married for someone else.

And it's so important that you say that because so many girls, they're afraid, right?

If they say everything that they want, they're going to scare the guy away.

But in my mind, if you scare the guy away, it wasn't the right guy for you.

Totally.

And also, you're not giving the person the opportunity to really get to know who you are.

Because if I'm, I do the same thing on podcasts and talk about some, you know, so like a man and things like that a lot.

And all and my own trauma that I grew up with, and being in a household of violence, and all these sorts of things, you know.

So, but if I'm not showing up, if I'm not being authentic, then I'm not giving that other opportunity, that other person an opportunity to actually be in a relationship with me because I'm putting on a bit of an act.

Now, I might be doing that for a variety of reasons, from being in abusive stuff, from just trying to, you know, be a good girl.

Let's not ignore some of the conditioning stuff that we've been told.

I don't want to be seen to be too much, you know, I don't want to be, um, you know, all of these things that I think that thankfully things are changing, but there is still some of that underlying language that can kick around, you know, make us secure.

And also, we want to present ourselves in a positive light, and I think that's okay.

But if I'm putting on an act, then I'm not going to get to know that person, and they are never going to get to know me.

And if it goes down the line, if there actually is any longevity, how do you go back on that?

Totally, I know.

yeah, but I do actually do this as well.

Oh shit, you know, I completely agree with you.

Like, you need to be clear from the, I think lying is a waste of time because, like you said, if you if you start end up liking each other,

you're gonna have to get this dirt from under the carpet, and it's a huge mess.

Oh my god, we're gonna take a two-minute break.

I told you this was gonna be packed with information and so many important topics, but when we come back, I want to talk about healing because that's a question I get a lot.

Like, how do we heal from a lot of things?

But how do we heal from a broken heart?

How do we heal from betrayal?

How do we heal from cheating?

So many people, unfortunately, just give up.

They're like, I'm never going to trust anyone.

All men are pigs.

All men cheat.

But I don't believe in that.

I want to know your opinion, your professional opinion.

I'll tell you mine.

I also want to talk about another thing that I saw on Instagram that I love, love, love about fear, fear, fear, fear, fear and how it it ruins our chances of going after our dreams and i want to talk about boundaries i am horrible at putting boundaries horrible

so maybe you have some tips how do we put boundaries and like not be afraid and of losing the person anything so hold that thought it's a lot of you for you to digest you have two minutes and we'll be right back this is an incredible cat on the loose with this gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

She's so beautiful.

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And of course, so intelligent and talented, Annalie Howling, all the way from London, England.

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All right, we're back with Emily Howling, all the way from London, England.

I fell in love with your work.

Please go check out her Instagram.

I swear to God, because everything there is like really, really, really rich with information and things that we maybe don't want to face about ourselves and our relationships and and you make us think and you make us face that and some of them are here let's talk about it as fast as we can in in this next half an hour let's talk about boundaries for a second boundaries in relationships I'll give me as an example because I know so many people are like me.

You meet a guy that you like

and you know some maybe some of their behaviors are not okay or they're doing things that you don't like that they do and we get so afraid, so insecure, like, oh, I'm gonna lose the person, am I gonna upset him?

Whatever it is, we end up accepting, accepting, accepting, accepting, and we lose a lot of ourselves in the process, right?

And you did a whole post about boundaries, and I didn't memorize the whole post, but you wrote some really powerful things to me that you mentioned.

Like I said, when you start implementing boundaries, some people may fall away, right?

Maybe they don't like it.

Hopefully, they accept, but maybe they don't like it.

And

very likely, they're dealing with their own demons, that it's not like something that we are doing wrong.

Because, especially women, we have this horrible tendency of blaming ourselves, right?

Like, if you set boundaries with your boyfriend and he pulls away or he goes away, we feel like it's us, we did something wrong.

And so, to me, this post was very powerful.

Can you like elaborate?

I know I'm asking 10 questions into one question.

But like, how do you set boundaries?

How do you feel comfortable about it?

And yes, if they're dealing with their own demons, how do we take this guilt away like that we're doing

something wrong ourselves?

Sure.

So I think you're absolutely right.

As women, we have a tendency to internalize the guilt, but we also have a tendency to fix it.

I'll fix it.

You know, we have this, we're quite nurturing.

And also, again, some of the stuff that you're, you know, we're kind of grown up with.

And so so, there is this tendency to leap in.

But, you know, one of the things, possibly most obviously, but if you put a boundary and something's important to you and you've communicated it clearly, firstly, have you communicated it?

Because, you know, typically with relationship, we maybe think we have, or again, we're courageous, we're scared of naming a need.

So, that's the first one: is to actually make sure you've communicated what it is that you need in this dynamic and that the other person's understood it.

But another way of looking at it so you don't feel guilty.

Let's just say you're dating someone and their mother's unwell, you know, or a family member's unwell, and they

want you to go with them a lot, or an interference in your work, or something like that.

And you're like, God, I really need to pull back here, but they're going through a really difficult time.

So it feels cruel to put a boundary in, but you've got your own life and your own stuff, and you know, you can't be as present in their struggle.

A way of remembering this so you don't feel as guilty is every time you jump in to fix it, every time you overgive, every time you move away, if you like, kind of a bit of self-abandoning because maybe you're placing their needs above your own and you know the boundary isn't in place for them to to sort of you know look for either different support or fixes for themselves it can actually undermine their sense of being able to do this on their own so a really lovely way of reframing it is let's just say the dynamic has shifted a bit and they're like the example I'm giving that maybe over-relying for support and you're finding yourself restructuring your day to make things easier for them and that is having a knock-on effect on the things that you need in your life.

A way of doing it is like, babe, do you know what?

I'm absolutely going to be here to support you.

I'll do what I can, but I've seen you do really hard things before.

And maybe name a hard thing that you've seen.

I know that you're a,

you know, I know that you're really capable of doing this, and I will absolutely support you in this, but I'm afraid that I can't be there for such and such, you know, insert thing here.

So just remembering that every time we jump in we can even though we're caring and we're doing a nice thing intentionally firstly it's really really hard to ever put that into reverse right if you start in a dynamic where you're um setting a precedence for something it's really hard to unwind that so i'd say hold off with the overgiving sometimes and allow space for the other person to step in that's one So a boundary can also just be good for the relationship because we're allowing equality.

You know, we're allowing both partners to step in and give to the relationship and it stops resentment from building up from us overgiving and things like that both sides people can be over givers and the other one to remember is that if you are jumping in um then that is can undermine the other person's sort of capacity to cope or their own confidence in that situation and sort of last but by no means least on this I think that a lot of people that are givers, which is a beautiful trait in general, but overgiving to the point of self-abandonment, they think they're worthy of unconditional love i am totally guilty of that by the way totally guilty of that and i and it i feel like i repeat a pattern you know everybody i date like i i give myself like a million percent like i do with work everything that i do And it's a bad idea because if you don't know somebody that well, maybe you need to like, like you said, put some boundaries and everything.

And I'm a firm believer now, obviously learning from my mistakes.

If you set boundaries, if you put yourself first and the person doesn't like it, same thing, they're not the right person for you.

Totally, totally.

And also, you're not the right person for them.

Yeah.

So again, flip it on the head.

You're not going to be the right person for them in a long-term relationship either.

And I think this, like, you know, if we don't think we're worthy of unconditional love, then we are, we almost feel like we need to earn it and do things.

And quite often that might be acts of service, you know, or whatever it might be to kind of almost earn it first.

And if if you think about sex and pleasure, certainly my friends, women I've spoken to, women I've worked with, there are very women struggle, I'm just saying women, but I know both to receive without having done something first.

You know, like, oh, the house is perfect, or I'm perfect.

You know, I've done my hair and I've had a wax and I've done all these things, and, you know, everything, I've got all the expensive body cream on.

And so only now would I, or I've pleasured you, or whatever, like now I might be in a position to just receive.

Like, it's again,

nerve-wracking when you first start putting yourself into a position of just being like,

I'm he wants to worship me, and I'm gonna like that, and I haven't earned it.

Oh, that's horrible.

I know.

I'm totally guilty of that.

Now, listen to this story really quickly.

I have to squeeze it in here, and I want your opinion.

One of my best friends, speaking of boundaries, still speaking about one of my best, best friends, she, and I'm not going to say her name, of course.

She's the same thing we're talking about.

She's so beautiful.

She's so successful.

She has all this business going on.

La la la la la la la.

She met a guy almost a year ago.

They've been dating like quote unquote in this situationship that basically he told her he's not ready for a relationship.

He's a 48-year-old guy,

trust fund dude.

And every time he shows up to see her, it's like booty calls.

He calls at midnight.

He calls at 11 o'clock at night.

And then he'll disappear for two months.

And then he'll appear again.

And so I try to talk to him.

I'm like, why do you accept it?

Why don't you tell him if you want to see me, date me, take me to dinner?

And she's like, oh, but the sex is so good and he's so nice to me, whatever.

And then listen to these guys.

So this has been going on for almost a year.

She's putting up with this behavior from this guy, showing up at all hours of day and night and disappearing.

Then she's like, okay, I'm going to try to date other people.

So she met a guy that she really liked.

She started dating this other guy.

And this other guy is perfect in every way.

He picks her up at home, takes her to dinner, fancy places, amazing dates.

Then he drops her off at night, like whatever, after dinner.

And he's being a total gentleman, doesn't even try to come in her apartment yet, doesn't invite her to go to his apartment yet.

And then she goes home and this dude that she's having sex with, like this situation,

calls and just lets the dude come in for sex.

And then he leaves in the morning and then she goes on a date with the other guy.

So we were having breakfast the other day and I said to her, I said, my darling, you are dating the guy you don't fuck and you are fucking the guy you don't date

because

and we were laughing, but it's true.

I'm like, because you cannot make this guy that you're fucking, pardon my French, go away or put boundaries on it.

And men are just gonna repeat the behavior if you let them, right?

So, like, what what do you say in a case like that?

Do you is it worth drawing boundaries with this guy that she's having sex with?

Is it a lost cause?

Like, what would you say to her if she's listening to us right now?

Right now, I mean,

if it's making her unhappy, like, is it just you're having terrific sex and it's every so often, it doesn't really matter, and it's not affecting the rest of the world.

No, she has feelings for him, she's like, She would date him, you know, she would be like, I want to be with him,

but the problem is you know he's not full-time there for her so she's dating someone else to take her out and putting up with letting this guy come in at all hours of the night because she will

it's interesting because what you're describing is affairs effectively you know when someone's in an unhappy marriage and they're cheating

what the the person that is the the person they're cheating with the partner they're cheating with let's just let's just use male female here so like guy's married is in an unhappy marriage and starts cheating Okay, and so that the person, the girlfriend in the situation, or the mistress is there going, Oh, I love him, but you know, I can't see him very often.

And he's he's in his unhappy marriage, and you know, but the problem is you're facilitating him being in his unhappy marriage because you're filling in the 10 or 20 percent that was missing.

So, Brenda's kind of doing it in this situation.

If we work in percentages, she's got the commitment and the security of Mr.

Nice Guy, you know, and the dating in a relation with someone that's actually around.

And then you've got this kind of like erotic excitement and passion with this, frankly, quite unknown entity, you know, that kind of wafts in and out as he pleases.

So she's making 100%

from two different sources, and quite possibly neither would work.

So that would be the inquiry: is if it was 100% of one or 100% of the other, you know, I don't sense that either would probably fulfill her.

And maybe for her, it might be a combination of

those two elements down the line.

But sex like that, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, there's a great book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski, it's an incredible book.

And the reason, one of the reasons, including victims of domestic abuse relationships, why they might not want to leave a relationship.

In this book, Emily Nagowski talks about that quite often victims of domestic abuse report having incredible sex lives, like unbelievable sex lives.

And you can say, well, how can that be possible?

How can you have experienced violence, you know, and then have this incredible, pleasurable experience?

And she talks about the biology of our system and something called noncordance, but we're designed to be attached, right?

This goes way back to survival days.

We're not designed to live alone as single women thriving.

You know, we're meant to be attached.

And that's where heartbreak is so physically difficult for us because we're detaching.

from this safety.

So when we start having this searing fear when we're going through heartbreak, it's because our outdated software is saying to to us, you're not safe alone, effectively, and it's trying to encourage you to recouple because you're safer that way.

And you know, anyone that's been through it, that heartbreak, that early bit, like when you're going through almost like the cold turkey period and the pain of it, because you're so desperate to have anything to take the pain away.

And the only thing that will take the pain away is being reconnected.

Even if you know it's toxic, like, why do you go back?

That's why it's this attachment system that's inside us.

But the toxic sex stuff is really interesting.

So, when you have a relationship that's unsafe in some way, so I use the example of domestic violence, but let's say having an affair, right?

Or someone you work with, something where it's a bit dangerous, you know, those relationships often have incredible sex because the safety is lacking, if you like, in the connection, in the commitment.

So, your system needs us to be connected, needs us to be attached, to be safe.

So, it has to balance it out like yin and yang.

So, if you're in a really shitty relationship with a bit of a dickhead, the chances are are the service is going to be unbelievable.

Interesting.

It's finished together.

No, it must be balanced.

It's very interesting.

But do you think it's possible to, like, a person like that, like a man like that?

Because I know girls ask this question all the time, like my friend and other girls.

If a guy is doing that to you, like, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship, nah, nah.

Do you think if you set boundaries, like, look, you're not gonna come have sex with me at midnight anymore, you're I'm not gonna let you, period, you're either gonna treat me like a date or not.

Is it possible by setting boundaries to make a guy change his behavior, or do you think it's a waste of time?

That in general, they will not change that behavior.

I mean, I would do it anyway, and if they don't change mine,

change fine.

Like, as far as I, you know, I think that, like, what's the alternative?

You put up with a load of shit or you find out once and for all.

So, to me, it's uh, I would put the boundary in, and they either can.

And by the way, never listen to what they say.

This is men and women.

You watch what they do.

So anyone can tell you anything.

Oh, sorry, baby.

Oh, you know, oh, it was this, or it was that.

And we overempathize because we're caring creatures.

Oh, it is hard for him, or he is working late, or he is doing this thing, or she is, or whatever.

You know, so don't listen to a single thing.

You know, put a boundary in place, police that boundary, and just watch what they do, and they will tell on themselves.

And if they're determined to change and they want a relationship with you, they will step up.

And that's amazing.

If, and you know, and that might work.

And then if they don't, that's also amazing, and you find out.

If they're, I think, and everything I learned, like I said, because I'm not an expert at all, I learned from making all these mistakes and doing the podcast for so long and talking to amazing people such as yourself.

If you set boundaries, whatever you say, and the person goes away, they put you in a position of losing you,

it's probably because they didn't care enough.

Because if somebody cares about you, they're not going to be put in that position, like, oh, I don't care about her.

Do you agree?

I mean, it can be that.

I don't want to sort of justify any bad behavior.

I don't think it's justifiable.

And again, it's about your self-worth and your benchmark.

They could genuinely be going through stuff.

You know, there could be stuff going on for them and they just can't be available for a relationship.

But again, why would you want a relationship with that person?

You know, you deserve it all, right?

Like, you know, you deserve the whole world plus.

Like, you and I have both been through a divorce, we've been through other stuff.

People listening have been through heartbreak.

Like, don't go through all of that only to not honor, you know, yourself and your needs.

Find out about you,

be courageous and communicate it, even gently, even just start saying to friends, even like you know, because we take on roles in friendships.

We don't show up and name our needs, like we always go to a certain friend's house, or we don't, you know, we take on roles in all sorts of systems in our families.

Like, start really showing up for yourself in different dynamics in your life, at work, everything.

And then when you're in a relationship, just remember that, you know,

there's no point not allowing that person to really get to know who you are.

But you've got to know who you are first.

And

day to gather, do it.

Like, my God, you know, the things and people and stuff that I've learned since being divorced towards, you know, to finding a relationship has been extraordinary.

And, you know, but it's, it's informed me a lot about who I am.

So never take away shame for making, it's not a mistake.

what's the lesson okay maybe maybe they were even 90% right but you and I have both done long-term relationship and you and I both know if it's 10% wrong at the start that's only going to get bigger I agree I completely agree no one's perfect right you're probably not going to get no we're not perfect at all but I do agree with you we should have a list of like non-negotiables we should know our value we should know our standards so you know we don't make the same mistakes again I completely agree and you wrote something that i really really loved but let me ask you if there's a solution to this phrase because it's true we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry regardless i know we said i love being alone you love being alone i am proud of the career i'm building i'm proud of my home i love my life

seriously seriously serious i'm not desperate for another relationship i want one but i'm not desperate totally taking my time but of course we are all humans sometimes we are hungry for love for kisses for even sorry but even a dick right as much as we love to masturbate i'm gonna send you some of my toys by the way you're gonna love them

so how i mean is there a way to prevent eating lies when our hearts are hungry I think just knowing that.

So, you know, if you're like, for example, I gave the example of being burnt out and needing to go away.

Like, I'm more susceptible to shit, like shitty stuff, shitty people, shitty whatever,

if my barriers are low, you know, my barriers to entry.

So, you know, like don't scroll through Instagram on Sunday night if you're exhausted and all the rest of it, because you're going to feel terrible about yourself because you're burying yourself.

So if I'm in a place where I have not been taking good care of myself or whatever, I'm more likely to make, you know, a decision that might not be aligned with my highest good.

so that's what I'd say you know and absolutely like go you do you you know it's 2023 we've got to enjoy ourselves take pleasure like you know pleasure partners whatever but make sure that at the at the end of it that is exactly what it is like I asked about your friend you know she's just like having a brilliant time and amazing sex and great but that's not the case she's coming away from these exchanges with feelings feeling hurt questioning herself probably feeling a bit anxious you know and and it's almost like that that anxiety hangover like is it worth it that's a brene brown Brown as well.

So, check in that you are in the most, um, you know, sort of sustainable and solid place right now to make that choice.

And if you're not, architecture tomorrow, speak to a friend that you can be really honest with, who can be really honest with you.

You know, have a different kind of support system and network.

Protect yourself.

Like, what I do, at least it works for me.

I learned, and it was a process, not something I learned overnight.

I learned year after year after year.

I protect my heart.

Like, if I feel that

I'm starting to feel a little needy, like we're saying, I'm starting to feel a little hungry.

I totally go like on shutdown mode.

I even call it the man diet sometimes.

I will literally go like a month, two months, whatever I need without scrolling on bumbo and stuff.

Because if I'm feeling vulnerable, chances are I'm going to get tangled up with another asshole.

But so I go on shutdown mode and I shift my focus to me.

Like you said, self-care, little trips.

I know you said you travel, it's something I love to do.

I put my car, my dog Phoenix, in the car, and we literally go, like, you know, to the beach.

We travel alone,

or I go, like you said, I do something extra for work.

It works for me.

If I feel my heart is getting a little hungry, I try to feed it other things that are important to me.

So that's just a little tip that I have.

If anybody's listening to us out there, it's not the best time to go after ex-boyfriends, ex

anything, if you're feeling a little extra hungry, right?

Do you agree?

Because I just think the likelihood is, like I say, the hangover from that is probably going to outweigh

any of the

high in the moment.

And I loved what you said.

You know, there are probably other ways to fulfill yourself to get yourself to a place where, and you know what, if you still want to make that choice after that, you go do, you know, because you can be certain that that is something that you do really, really want and it's resonant.

And, you know, you know that you're in a good place and you're choosing for a good place for you i love it oh my god this is such good information before i let you go before we run out of time let's talk about healing because that's a big part of your work and you have a lot of posts about it i love it and i know it's so difficult it's so much easier said than done right

And I know you're a trauma specialist and I don't want to go like because each case is such a different case.

But in general, of course, because this is a dating, sex, and relationship podcast, I get messages all the time from girls.

How do I, and guys too, like if somebody breaks your heart horribly, how do I heal from that?

How do I heal, like if somebody cheated on me?

How do I heal from heartbreak?

Do you have any like easy tips?

Is there an easy answer to that question?

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, it's not easy.

The thing that I found that helped me the most was understanding the physical reactions.

Like, like I said, you know, it's the reason that you're feeling all these things.

And, like, for some reason, no matter how shitty your relationship was, your brain starts playing you like this showreel with like Celine Dee on or what only the highlights.

For some reason, that starts happening.

The reason is, it's this attachment thing kicking back in.

You're like, oh my God, you all watched Netflix and it was so amazing two years ago.

And like, and it's blanked out everything else.

And you're just like swept up in this moment, you know.

And again, we can go into anxiety.

We can start trying to, you know a lot of people check things like they were you know googling answers like oh was it because of their attachment style was it because of my thing was because it and that's anxiety so again that's a physical response and anxiety is when you're not being in the present so in all of these cases find anything

I would recommend laceration, but find anything that gets you into your body.

I do too.

I do too.

It works wonders for me.

And people think I'm crazy.

I am so happy you're bringing this up because I talk about it and they think I'm crazy.

You know, I can't believe this day and age men still judge us.

Like when I talk about vibrators and everything, people think, oh, she's such a horror.

I'm like, really?

Are you crazy?

Like, what's wrong with you?

I'm so glad you're bringing that up.

It's so much better than stuffing yourself.

I don't know in England.

I don't know your culture that well, but in the United States, people are so over-medicated.

They shove antidepressants and crap down their throat like it's water.

And it's so much better to, like you said, masturbate, have amazing orgasms, even if you're alone, like sunlight, sunshine, exercise.

And I'm not a doctor, but I really believe I've been through divorce, hell and high water, death, you name it.

And I never took antidepressant in my life.

And I really, really, really believe, and everybody thinks I'm crazy, it's because I am such a huge advocate of these things, like masturbating almost every day, having orgasms all the time because it fills my brain with good chemicals, even in the worst of times.

And sunshine.

All the books, it's all in there.

If you read, I mean, Jamie Wheel wrote Recapture the Rapture about these studies where they're prescribing orgasms for people that have chronic pain is literally being prescribed in studies.

If you read Poop Deed by Regina Thomas Howes and Mama Gina, she talks about, again, you know, why it's such an important foundation for self-care, pain relief, everything else.

But also just knowing as a woman that, you you know, I'm responsible for my own pleasure with a partner.

As in, I'm going to connect with a partner and for us to have an incredible sex life.

I need to know what it is that works for me.

And how am I going to know that if I'm not comfortable enough with my own body?

How can I communicate my needs?

How can I demonstrate what it is that I want if I don't understand that?

Now, look, that's personal.

No judgment for anybody else, but just to name it, that there is no shame.

And that's the thing I'd say about heartbreak.

I think we can come away with some shame.

And that's the biggest thing.

And shame is an I am.

I am bad.

I am am foolish, I am stupid, I am not enough, I am unworthy, I am unlovable, I am a failure, I am disgusting.

And shame is this thing that's like in ourselves, in our system, and you know, it's this horrible, icky, sick feeling, sensation.

And so, anything that you can do when you're going through this journey to remove the shame, you know, maybe there's stigma around, that's why we're talking about this today.

Let's remove some stigma from masturbation.

Yeah,

I am so, so happy you validated this.

You have no idea because I talk about it all the time, and I never had an expert come here and say that.

And I am so grateful because my dream is to normalize the subject.

My dream.

Yeah, like Instagram, like I said, you can buy medication to lose weight.

You can buy medication to control your appetite.

You can buy medication to sleep, antidepressant.

And if I try to put one thing with my vibrator or something, they block it.

They send me messages.

Like, God forbid I'm selling people like a vibrator, it's going to make your life a million times better.

And to me, believe it or not, it was a big part of healing.

Like, when, of course, I've had my heart broken a bunch of times because I definitely, like I said, I give my all to any relationship.

I had my heart broken last year in a relationship that I believed was the first time ever since my marriage.

I'm like, okay, I'm with the right person.

And I believed in him so much every time he reassured me and when he broke my heart and literally broke up our relationship over the phone that's how little he he cared about me like that's how little he respected my feelings or cared about relationship he wasn't even man enough to come and look me in the eyes you know but anyway and I was heartbroken I was devastated and like you said I blamed me I felt I was mad at me.

Why did I believe him?

Why did I give myself?

What did I do wrong?

Because I am so fabulous.

Why did he tell me everything was so amazing?

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

It was a process, but sure enough, what helped me was like, yeah, I don't need another guy.

I'm not going to go and have sex with a stranger.

So the process of loving myself,

knowing that, yes, I love my body enough that I can still give myself amazing orgasms.

I can still give myself amazing

sex.

Of course, it's not the same.

I know I'm going to get messages, people saying that, you know, having sex with a vibrator is not the same as having sex with a man.

We know that.

But I mean, for me, I would rather not share my body, and I'd rather like the benchmark for self-I'm not saying it's, and it genuinely is stress relief, and everyone should look into the studies, they're fascinating.

But you know, for me, it's this act of self-care.

I went along with my kids, and it was something that I could do, and I found made an instant impact to

my in myself and also connection to my body, loving my body, you know, loving how my body looks, just all of those things.

And

I'm someone with a very high sex drive, and it's really important to me in relationship.

It's critical.

However, in those periods of time, as you described, I wouldn't let anybody, you know, just anywhere near me.

I'm incredibly private.

So for me, that as a practice for self was really important at keeping my barriers so high, keeping my boundaries so high, and making sure that I was selecting when I did select relationship, someone that was so aligned at every level that I was willing to share my body.

We are exactly alike in that area.

Totally.

And so just before we finish talking about mending a broken heart, for me, so that was one of the things that helps.

Another thing that really, really helps me that I always tell people, I hear a lot of girls when they go through, mostly women, when they go through like this horrible heartbreak or somebody cheats on them or something, they get angry.

They get angry.

And then they hate all men.

They put all men in one category.

Like, oh, all men are pigs.

All men are assholes.

All men, and I think it's hard, but what I say is, if you do that, the assholes win.

Like, if you give up on love, if you give up on mending your broken heart, all these people that hurt you win.

So, what motivates me to rebuild my heart and my ego is that I know the right person is out there trying to find me.

I know the right person is going to value me.

And I don't want the people that treated me like shit or took me for granted to get the best of it.

And maybe it sounds silly, but when I

say that to myself over and over again, slowly but surely, my heart heals and gets stronger.

I love what you said there.

And I've said something similar to myself and other people in the past, which is, you know, you do go through that phase and you think, well, they've disrespected me.

And, you know, how could they do this to me?

And then also, how could I have been so stupid?

And here's the thing: like, they're the ones that lose.

I sleep well every single night with a clear conscience i am a i'm a fucking great person actually i'm loving i am kind i work hard i'm a badass you know like i'm sexy and sexual and an amazing friend an incredible partner wonderful mother like i'm amazing i'm really kind and so if they fucked me over well they lose

exactly i'm gonna say i'm gonna clap to that i love it's their loss so if you girls are out there listening to us and you're going through this, seriously, try doing this exercise.

Even if you have to look at yourself in the mirror, I speak alone and out loud every single day.

I manifest things to the universe.

I look at myself in the mirror.

I tell myself how hot and fabulous I am.

And it works for me.

I used to thank my house.

I walked, this is my house.

I would walk downstairs in the morning and I would thank my home.

I would thank, you know, and this is like when I've been scratching like you, like my heart's been torn over the floor or something, you know,

broken apart.

And you're like, what is it that I can be grateful for?

And I'm grateful that my home has kept me and my daughter safe and dry last night.

I'm grateful that I have work that I care about.

I'm grateful that I've got a great friend that's sending me a message.

You know, I'm grateful that I'm able to access pleasure.

I'm grateful I can sit outside and have a coffee in the sun.

You know, just

find things.

And I'm very spooky.

I do all the spooky stuff.

I do.

So

be grateful.

Find things to genuinely be grateful for.

and it builds.

Build that muscle as well.

And you'll find, you know, your pelvic floor and the muscle against you.

I love you.

You're incredible.

I knew you were going to be amazing.

You're like 10,000 times more amazing than I thought.

And you're a pleasure to look at because you're so beautiful.

You're so intelligent.

You're right up my alley.

And I know, I mean, every case is different.

Some people are going through horrific trauma.

I know some people are going through abuse.

So, I mean, you are a trauma specialist.

So, if you guys out there are listening and you have like a much deeper case than obviously we're covering like overall,

please reach out to Annalie.

I'm gonna give people your Instagram, right?

It's the best way to find you, right?

And then my website is still my name.

And I do travel, like, if you've got local, I know everyone's listening all over the world.

I am in London, but I go to New York and LA fairly regularly.

I see people in person there for very, very long time.

But there you go.

I'm very happy to say our cat kingdom is growing worldwide.

We have people listening in Australia, we have people listening in Spain, we have people listening in London, Brazil, everywhere.

So, all of you guys can reach out because she can help

online.

And of course, when you come to LA, please let me know.

Maybe we can do the next episode in person.

How could that be?

I'm gonna spell her Insta, and you guys can go obviously to all my social media channels.

I'm gonna put her link there, but it's A N N A L I E Howling, H H-O-W-L-I-N-G.

NA LE Howling.

It was such a huge pleasure having you here.

Thank you so much, all the way from London.

And I'm going to talk to you in private because I definitely want to send you a little box of Prazeris toys.

Prazeris means pleasures in Portugal.

And you heard the woman, guys.

Get your toys, masturbate.

Don't wait for a man or a man.

Don't wait for a partner.

Just take care of yourselves, your body, your mind, and your souls, right?

Yeah, completely.

You're amazing.

You're gorgeous.

Thank you so much.

This was a very special Carondeleuz, and I'll see you guys very soon.

Take care of yourselves.