HILY DATING APP

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So on today's episode, I am going to talk about this dating app that I found out about because I know most of us keep using the same dating apps over and over and over again.

And I get so many messages from you guys.

And I agree, like a lot of people frustrated, like, ah, bad quality people.

I don't like the dating apps.

Is there anything better out there?

And I found out about Hile, H-I-L-Y,

and they actually have millions of users worldwide and some really incredible features.

I'm like, huh, I want to know more.

So I brought in Dr.

Desera, who is a sexologist and sexual educator and an advisor for Haile, and their new feature, which is a consent guard feature.

You guys definitely want to hear this out.

And I think, like me, at the end of the episode, you're going to say, huh, maybe I should give Haile a whirl.

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Dr.

Mindy Desetta, welcome to Cat on the Loose.

It's such an honor having you here.

Thank you.

I'm so excited.

I am too, because I'm sure you heard this before.

A lot of singles out there think dating apps are such chaos.

They feel so discouraged.

I hear this day in, day out, I'm going to give up.

I'm going to give up.

I don't want to deal with this anymore.

So when I heard about you guys, when I heard about Haile, I'm like, like i really want to find out if this is really a game changer

it is a game changer people are tired about using dating apps a lot of people are having dating fatigue because they're not finding the right one to even go on a date with let alone the right one yes exactly so i guess the first question is

What is the major differential?

Like, let's say somebody out there is listening, they never heard about Hile, and and they're like, why should I try yet one more?

What is like the major, major point of difference between Hile and everybody else out there?

So the culture of a dating app is going to set the tone for how people date.

And Hile is setting a culture of be authentic, be vulnerable.

I mean, their tagline is date as you are.

So if you are somebody who's out there and you're tired, you're tired of the BS that happens in the dating app.

The culture of Highly is weeding all that out and it's encouraging people to be who they are straight in the app so that you get a better sense of, do I want to meet up with this person for a date or do I not?

It's, it's really just a place to be truthful and meet somebody authentically.

I love that because I keep saying that over and over again on Cat on the Lose.

I definitely think you should be the very best version of yourself, but like you just use the keyword, you should be authentic, you should be real, right?

I don't think it's a good idea to start any kind of relationship with little white lies, BS, photos from 20 years ago, all the little things that people do, right?

But my question to you is, how, I know you're encouraging people to be authentic, but

how do you do that?

Like, how do you convince them?

You know, just

be the best version of yourself out there.

It's hard, right?

Because so many of us are already insecure of who we are.

And dating is super vulnerable.

You're going to get your heart broken over and over and over again.

I always say dating is like the law of probability because you're going to meet so many people that you have to be vulnerable with.

Otherwise, you're just wasting your time.

Because if you're putting on a frond, they're putting on a frond.

Now we're just going on dates, really not knowing who the other person is.

And now we're 10 dates in and thousands of dollars in and we're realizing, wait we're not a match so that's where this app is like listen i'm in it with you if you're in it with me i'll be vulnerable you be vulnerable with me and it kind of creates this safe environment for us to share who we are um share a hobby share our interests moral value it kind of gets to a deeper conversation level right off the bat i love that and i mean I heard that you guys have this new feature that also really piqued my interest because I think this is a really big one, right?

That you are determined to fight unsolicited sexual messages and like X-rated images, so to speak.

I love that because I think most women, such as myself, have had that issue before.

Like you're talking to someone and all of a sudden they start sending pictures, you know, let's be honest of their dick or whatever it is.

And I don't want to see that unless I'm like, I decided I want to do that with someone.

To me, that's like the way next step.

I don't want to get unsolicited pictures on my dating app.

How, can you explain to us how you guys are combating that?

Because that's a big deal.

I was really excited about this feature.

So it's called Consent Guard.

And I'm a sex therapist.

So all I do every day is help people live their best sex life.

And I actually think the Consent Guard is a feature that helps us embrace our sexuality even more.

So if you are talking to somebody and you kind of want to heat things up, all you have to do is throw a sexy message into the chat or throw that like, it could be a glamorous nude or I don't know, it's really unattractive dick pic, either one, you can throw it into the chat and Haile's AI will pick it up and it will send a message to the receiver.

Are you going to consent to this?

So it's built that it's not going to disturb the flow of the conversation.

And I actually think what it does is it slows it down.

So if you want to take it there, the person on the other end can say, Am I in the right headspace?

Do I want to go into this world with this person?

Or if you are vibing it like that, it's kind of sexy if you get that consent if you're at work and it's like, ooh, I wonder what it is.

I can't wait to get home.

So you're really, you're really taking out almost that traumatic surprise that you weren't expecting because almost 40% of people have said they've received unsolicited pics.

Yes.

And that's really what creates this dating fatigue.

For sure.

And it has happened to me.

And like you said, I get messages from women and men, by the way.

Like it's not just a woman's problem because there are women that send in because unfortunately there are a lot of escorts out there, you know, all this chaos with, you know, OnlyFans and stuff.

I have a lot of guy friends that complain.

They're like, you know, I want to be in in a relationship.

I want to be dating someone.

And this girl is sending me these nude pictures and everything.

So it's on both ends that it can be an issue.

And I love the way you guys are filtering it.

You're not just like, let's say I'm talking to a guy on the app.

And he decides to send me like an unsolicited picture of his dick.

So you don't automatically kick him out.

You ask me first, if this is within something that I'm comfortable receiving.

Exactly.

No, we're definitely not going to kick anybody out for sending these messages because this feature is also about embracing your sexuality.

So it's really like if you want to go there and you want to take the relationship to that sexy level, just make sure the other person is consenting.

Then you also know the boundaries with the person you're receiving it.

So it actually can harness and like stimulate your sexuality too.

I love that.

Well, let me ask you a tough question.

Okay, since you're the expert and I'm not, I feel, and I might be wrong, like when I'm talking to someone online, I need, you know, like baby steps.

I want to talk to them.

And then, you know, we exchange phone numbers.

And then I usually like a phone call, video call, many steps before I go meet them in real life.

Normally for me, the first stage of meeting someone on a dating app, as much as I'm like, wow, I really like this guy.

He fits all the boxes.

For me, it would be a little too soon.

to be doing this kind of interaction and this kind of intimacy.

And I agree agree with you.

I'm like all for everybody having a great sexual life.

I think that's such an important subject.

I would love to normalize this conversation for once and for all.

But for me on that stage,

usually it would be like way too soon.

How do you feel about that?

So this feature of the app is going to give you the opportunity though, then to be real with like who you are and like, hey, I'm not ready for this.

And you can easily decline it.

Or honestly, you can just ignore it.

And you can just like continue typing in the chat about like your day.

So you have the ability to be like, I'm not there.

And again, like, if you're not there, be true to yourself.

If you're not there, like pridefully say no thank you right now.

I like that.

But okay,

we'll talk about the pictures.

Let's talk about sexting.

I love sexting.

I think it's major farplay, right?

I think it's super sexy when you're dating someone and all that expectation.

But same thing, should people be sexting already on a dating app with someone that you haven't met yet?

Isn't it too soon?

It's soon, right?

I don't know.

It is soon.

Maybe people.

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you.

Are you the expert?

I think in general, dating apps sped up the whole process of dating.

Like, you know, I hear from a lot of people that the dating apps, if you go too soon into the sexting, you miss the whole courting process.

And that is like foreplay too, you know, just getting to know somebody, getting that simple flirting on, like going back to the chivalrous ways of the past.

I think dating apps did speed that up.

And again,

This is where be your authentic self, like just be you,

because if you're not into sexting, if you're not into getting those pictures and the other person is pushing them to you too soon, you're going to get an idea of who they are as a person.

And now you don't have to be exposed.

You don't have to have that trauma response when you weren't ready for it.

Yeah, but do you think in general,

when a girl is talking to a guy on a dating app, let's say I meet someone on Highly and the guys try to lead the conversation this way, right?

Like an intimate conversation or sexting or like, oh, let me send you a picture.

Do you think it means that, okay, all they want is sex or not necessarily?

Maybe it's just their personality.

It's just the way they are.

Should this be a red flag if somebody's trying to do this too soon?

It should be a red flag, especially if they're pushing you when you're also trying to set these boundaries.

Yeah, red flag, or if you constantly see the conversation coming back to the sex or something, it's like, how do you have the best sex?

You have the best sex when you feel connected to the person.

Even if it's just like a one-night stand, right?

There kind of needs to be their connection.

So if there's somebody skipping through that connection, trying to force it, yeah, it is a red flag.

Yeah.

So do you think Haile

is ultimately more for people that are looking for, like, what is the crowd there?

Give us like an inside look.

Are people most of Haile's users?

Because you guys have millions of users worldwide, correct?

$39 million.

Holy Holy cow, $39 million.

So it's available in a lot of places everywhere in the world, correct?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, so do you think this is a massive, massive crowd?

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Do you think most people are using Haile

because they're looking for a relationship?

Do you think it's more like a hookup app?

Do you think it's a mixture?

The culture of Hile is going to be more for meeting the one right now.

It's going to be meeting

a match.

And it is because it's what our culture is in general, right?

We're saying, come here, be your authentic self.

We're skipping the BS.

You can be authentic.

And you can expect that the person on the other end is also going to be authentic.

As a sexologist, one of the pieces that drew me to High Lee was that when you sign up,

you take like an authenticity quiz.

So it's going to ask you questions about who you are.

And then you're going to get a compatibility score with the people that you're swiping.

A few reasons for this is, well, people were getting so fatigued with just swiping

that they weren't really getting to know the person.

But here you're going to have a score and you're going to see like where we match, where we don't match.

It's also great ways to start a conversation that are a little bit deeper versus then just the, hey.

So it offers a lot of ability to get to know the other person.

That is going to attract people who are looking for someone to go on a date with and start a relationship with.

I love that because I think the biggest part of our community are singles that are looking for relationship.

And I always hear like even last night, I was at an event here in Beverly Hills and I was sitting at a table and there were a bunch of single ladies there.

And every single one of them, when I talk about the podcast, they're like, oh my God, I'm never going to do dating amps again because it's such a magic show.

It's so frustrating, the quality and la la la la la.

And I was thinking to myself, you know, well, this is a new one that we should all try because it's so different from all the other ones.

We keep going to the same because a lot of people think that that's all there is out there.

Yeah.

And we really looked at what is the research saying of why people are leaving a dating app.

Basically, people, a lot of people were leaving the dating apps because they were getting inappropriate messages that they didn't want.

Well, now I'm just annoyed of dating, right?

So we get off the app all together.

And that's what Haile was saying.

We want to help you not get fatigued.

We want to help you meet the one.

So we're going to give you this compatibility test.

We give conversation prompts.

And also we're putting in this safeguard that if you don't want to get the unsolicited text, you can decline it.

Or, hey, if you want to fully embrace it and hit the accept button.

Oh, my God.

I love that so much because that's definitely on top of the complaints.

Yeah.

A lot of people, unfortunately, can be very inappropriate or, you know, say things that you're not ready to hear.

And I love the idea that this app has a filter for all of that because it makes us feel like we are in control.

If I'm having a conversation and like we were talking about the dig picture or even like sexting and I get a message from the app first, like, do you want to move forward?

Do you feel comfortable with this?

It makes me feel like I'm in a safe space.

Exactly.

You can know that that safeguard is there, that you're not going to get the inappropriate message at work or when you're just not in the mood for it.

And one of the reasons I also really enjoy being a part of Highly is just being your authentic self, because I have a private practice in Miami where I help individuals, couples like live their best sex life.

And of course, and that comes into dating.

And my clients go wild for their dating app profile.

They hire professional photographers.

They travel across the world to get that perfect photo picture.

And I always tell them, you're hurting yourself because you're creating an image that isn't your everyday vibe.

And you're kind of almost like lying to the person that you're matching with.

Then you go on a first date and you realize, wait a minute,

that person in the photo, like wasn't, it wasn't a realistic lifestyle.

And you almost feel lied to.

You just get tired of that.

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But according to a 2023 Pew Research, 56% of women under 50 across various dating apps have gotten unsolicited sexts or nudes.

This is problematic.

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And you talk about the photos.

I always say that yeah you should when some you meet someone they should like you for you the way you are so i don't understand like you said why people you know do either very fancy professional photos or that's also a top complaint they use photos from like 20 years ago like you know you don't don't look like that anymore girls you guys complain that sometimes the girls you know gain like 20 50 pounds whatever you know you get older and and same women complain like sometimes the guy puts a picture with hair for example and then you go meet the guy and the guy's like bald and i always say why would you waste somebody's time like that because don't you want somebody to like you for you right

right but even there

you just feel lied to like you show up and you're like wait a minute that's not who you said you were and you just lose trust in them right away Yeah, so let's let's say people are there listening like, oh my God, I'm going to download this app.

It's available on the App Store, right?

It's free to download, correct?

Of course.

So

guys, go for it.

It's, and I love the name.

It's Hi Lee, which is super, super cute.

But let's say they go and they download the app.

How do you encourage them?

Do you have like little phrases or something?

You know, put your best pictures or do this or do that or be authentic.

Is there like a guideline for what people should do?

Yeah, absolutely.

Don't worry.

We make this process easy for you.

Like the consent feature, we have made it easy.

And this signing up for it, getting everything started, yes, we of course prompt you and we also create like this fail-safe approach of to help you truly be yourself.

So you can also trust that the people you're matching with, they're also being their authentic selves.

And like I said, don't ever go to AI to write your bio.

Write your bio.

That's what we want.

Like Kylie's going to also encourage you, write your bio, answer this question, you know, authentically.

And don't worry, we give you the prompts.

We make it easy for you.

I love that you said that because of course, you know, AI is taking over the world.

But I completely agree with you.

I feel, I actually saw an interview the other day.

Some woman said, oh, we are going to develop an app that AI is going to choose your partner.

I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's a little much for me because, like you said, you know, there are certain things like emotions and things that are important to me that only I know how I feel.

I'm talking about feelings.

You cannot go and they say, AI, you know, just write something like your cat.

It's It's never going to be the same.

It's never going to be as organic and as authentic if you do it yourself.

So I love that you mentioned that.

And I tell all my clients to like, when you're looking for a therapist, we all write our own bios about ourselves, or at least I do.

And I encourage other.

therapists to do, because if you're looking, you want to look with someone that you're going to vibe with, have a nice rapport with in therapy, and you can get that understanding in the way we write.

It's the same exact thing for that couple sentence bio.

So if you're, if you're into like how they worded it, the words that they used, like that person.

But if you go to AI, right, again, like it's it's it's impersonal.

It's never going to be the same, right?

I mean, AI is fantastic, but it doesn't have emotions.

It's not going to write like you do.

Exactly.

And then you're not going to get to know the person.

Like everything on a dating profile is sending messages of I'm attracted to this person or I'm not.

So if you have AI write your profile and you're like, hey, I love the way this person wrote, the words they use, and then you find out in real life that that actually wasn't them, again, you break the trust right there.

I love that.

And another thing I want to mention, especially for men, guys out there listening, women, we are much more willing to put in the time, you know, and write a little bio.

There are so many men that don't even bother writing a bio.

like on dating apps.

They put some photos and they think it's enough.

I would never swipe right with a a guy that didn't spend a few minutes like you have nothing to say about yourself.

To me, that's a little bit of a red flag if they refuse to write anything.

Do you agree?

Of course, it's a huge red flag, right?

Because they're not even giving the dating app the time to write a bio.

Like, you know, dating takes our effort.

Dating takes work.

It really does.

And if you can't even put that in, how are they going to be on a date?

At least when you come to High Lead, there is a little signup encouraging.

We ask you to pick your favorite song.

That's kind of like your anthem.

We ask you to fill out these questionnaires.

Like,

you're investing.

Yeah, I think you, and I'm so happy we're having this conversation because when I hear single women saying, oh my god, I gave up, you know, that's it.

Everybody on dating apps are like total assholes, total losers.

It's not true.

I agree, there's a lot of like junk out there, but there are so many people who want to find their partner, the right someone.

So it's a great way to like, don't give up.

Just, you know, try something new.

And like I said, go with intention and put some real effort into it.

I've always been bro dating apps.

I kind of look at them as this necessary evil at times

because it's like, if you're working full time and then like you're trying to take care of your apartment or your house, whatever, you're so busy that you got to put time.

Like, it's a lot of probability game.

Like, you have to, you got to work it.

Yeah.

And the dating apps can be effective.

If people are like, but there's nobody good on there.

I said, are you on there?

How would you value yourself?

If you're on there, somebody else just as good is on there.

Oh, my God.

I love this.

I always say that it's a necessary evil because you can't meet someone you would never cross paths with.

And I know a lot of people.

I was just last night with a couple of my friends.

They met on a dating app and he didn't even live in LA.

And they, she was like, I'm going to give it a shot.

And they fell in love.

And now fast forward three years later, they're living together.

They started a business together.

They're madly in love.

So I always say, like, you got to keep trying, but with intention.

Right.

If you just go there, like, I'm not going to write anything.

Like you said, I'm going to put photos from 20 years ago.

I mean, what kind of result do you expect?

But if you do everything the way it's supposed to be done, you can surprise yourself.

And to be real, you have to go with intention, but you have to be vulnerable.

So, if you want to meet somebody, you got to put your defenses down, you got to put your guards down.

Yeah, you got to be vulnerable.

I love that you said that.

People, you know, give it a chance, give it an honest shot.

Now, before we run out of time, before I let you go, two important questions.

Since you are a sex therapist,

that's one of the top questions I always get from people all over the world.

Let's say I meet someone on a dating app, we go on a first date, we go on a second date.

As a professional, do you think there is any kind of rule, so to speak, in terms of how soon it's too soon to have sex?

Like, do you think it's appropriate?

Oh, I'm really feeling this.

I'm going to have sex with this person on the second date, the third date.

Or are you from the school that, oh no, that's a horrible idea?

The man is going to lose interest.

You should withhold sex.

Like, you know,

a lot of experts, that's what they say.

like just withhold it and wait wait till 90 days blah blah what is your your train of thought on this one i love this question i get it all the time because i have clients come into me like i'm not going to sleep with him until day three

and i'm like why

why where did day three why not day four what about day two Oftentimes their reasons go back to, well, that's what I feel I should be doing, where society said won't make me, make me a slut, right?

So there are all these reasons that we say, okay, I have to make it this number.

Coming from a professional perspective and doing this for 10 years and hearing these consistent stories, it actually creates more stress that you're not tuning into your own body.

So I always say,

if you put that parameter on yourself, your brain's going to cue you into it, that you're not going to be able to feel.

how comfortable you are because you might not even be comfortable on date three.

So I say throw the number out, throw the parameters out, pay attention to your morals and values.

But the most importantly is, how do I feel right now?

Do I want to be intimate with this person?

Where's my comfort level?

Will I enjoy it?

Because what's the purpose of it?

Pleasure.

So will it be pleasurable for me mentally and physically?

I love your answer.

I, me, I'm not an expert, but I like things organic.

So personally, when I hear women say, and believe me, I had like matchmakers, dating experts, whatever on the show and they're like, oh, you know, withhold sex until you're exclusive or withhold sex for 90 days.

And then when I hear girls doing that, to me, I think it's kind of like playing a game.

I just get the vibe that a lot of men don't like.

I don't like playing games, and I get the vibe.

It's in general, not a good idea to do that.

Do you agree?

100%.

Don't play games and don't test your partner.

Get rid of all that.

It just creates drama.

And obviously, what if you want it?

Now, why are we denying ourselves?

Yeah.

And I think, look,

I mean, I always say that if you are with the right person, if that's your person, and let's say you had sex on the second date or the third date, they're not going to think you're a zlut or a whore or anything because that happens because it's the right person for you.

And if it's the wrong person, even if you withhold sex like, oh, 90 days, or I heard this observed, to me, this is one of the most absurd ones that this lady said, I'm not going to name her name, but she's there on the episode.

She said, don't agree to have sex until you are in a monogamous, committed relationship.

So, like, I feel like, oh, it's almost like blackmail.

Oh, if you don't tell me you're committed to me, I'm not going to give you sex.

It's such an ultimatum, and nobody wants an ultimatum.

And I don't want to be in a monogamous, committed relationship before I have sex.

And I make sure my chemistry is great to that person.

And just because you withhold it does not mean it's going to be better.

And I mean, convincing someone to

stay with you because you're withholding sex, like, are they staying with?

I mean, I just would feel horrible about that, right?

That's kind of a recipe for disaster.

I'm so glad you agree with me.

Oh my goodness.

And last but not least, can anybody be on Highly?

Do you guys do like, do you request ID or do you do background chat?

How does it work?

Like the onboarding process?

Typically, our users are, are, well, they're all adults, right?

So you're going to get a lot of Gen Z and millennials.

But I mean, the good thing is that you are using AI to filter

the prompts.

You're filtering the unwanted photos.

You're filtering the sex thing, which most definitely creates a safe space, especially for women if they feel like, you know, oh my God, I'm being attacked with something I don't want to see or I don't want to hear.

Yes, I would say highly.

We revolutionized the technology that we use in the app.

So it's not just going to be the blurred photo.

Our AI is going to pick up any message that is obscure.

So we've put a lot of money and a lot of time into keeping everyone safe from those very traumatic triggers.

Yeah.

And I would say, right, Dr.

DeSoto, like anything in life, do your due diligence, right?

You meet someone on a dating app, okay, they seem like an amazing person.

I think people that are real, if they like you, they have no problem telling you who they are, right?

Like, this is my LinkedIn, for example.

Let's say you want to meet in real life, like, this is my LinkedIn, or this is my website.

You can check me out.

If somebody's withholding all information about themselves, that's a red flag, right?

Don't go meet somebody who refuses to tell you who they are.

So when I hear women out there, like, oh, I got taken, this dude took my money.

I'm like, why didn't I think that's common sense for everybody dating?

Do you agree?

Use every resource you have.

So, come on, we can all kind of subtly stop who we're going on a date with.

And I think that's for your safety.

Like, today, we actually have, we have to be safe what we do.

So, if you match somebody, sure, do that Google search, learn more about them, share with your friend where you're going.

That's just for your safety.

I agree.

And nowadays, like you said, there's so many resources that everybody has a social media account.

And if I know some guys don't, especially like really successful men, but they might have LinkedIn, they might have a website to their business.

Everybody has something as a reference.

And if they give you nothing, I think that's a major red flag.

Major red flag for your safety.

Most importantly, no, not just a red flag for probably this functional relationship, but we need to be safe with it.

And at least, you know, get a pool of references and make sure they all match.

I love that.

Very, very savvy advice.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations on the way you guys are doing.

I am.

I literally just downloaded it last night.

I'm going to give it a whirl today.

So, guys, if you're listening, I'm putting the link right here for you to go and download.

And, like she said, give it a good, honest shot, right?

Put your best face forward.

Be who you are.

Thank you so much, Dr.

Amin.

This was a huge pleasure.

And, guys, be safe out there.

I'll talk to you very soon.