How to get what you want IN BED with Dr Tara

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My guest today, Dr.

Tara, was dubbed the internet's resident sexpert and crowned TikTok's queen of sex.

She's a Kinsei-certified sexologist, tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University.

And she has a great, super interesting book coming out called How Do You Like It?

A Guide for Getting What You Want in Bed.

And on this episode, she shares a lot of her sex expertise with us so we can all improve our sex game.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

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The Sleeping Dove Luxury Comforter, the first ever with patent pending windows that you can easily flap open or close at night to cool off or warm up easily.

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It is freaking genius, and it was created by a woman who was going through perimenopause and still wanted to be able to sleep with her partner.

You guys have to check this out.

It's changing the way people sleep worldwide, and it's made with the highest quality cotton.

So it feels super luxurious.

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dr tara welcome to cat on the loose i'm so excited to be here i am so excited to have you because i was looking through your website your instagram and you have so many fantastic videos so much information and of course i love the topic is sex sex who doesn't

well so that's my first question how do we normalize it because i feel, and I keep saying that on kind of a little over and over and over again, I feel, especially women, of course, we're still vilified when we talk about sex.

If you talk too much about it, like, you know, you're, you're whatever, branded as a whore or like you're promiscuous.

Oh, my God, right.

They block you on social media because you're not supposed to do it.

Is there a way to like just normalize this conversation for once and for all?

Oh, 100%.

I think as a society to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality is to become more educated.

Education is the path to liberation.

There's no sexual liberation if we can't talk about it.

And if we, in order to feel comfortable talking about things, we need to be educated.

And that's why I think I'm just so passionate as a sex educator to help the next generation feel extremely comfortable talking about sex so that it can start to change.

It, you know, it's harder to change my generation or the generation older than me because

there are people that are already set in their ways.

But I'm still changing minds left and right.

I mean, I'm an older millennial.

And whenever I meet other millennials that are very anti-talking about sex, I ask them why.

They often say, well, I just like to keep it private.

I said, okay, but do you talk about it in private?

Probably not.

They don't.

Probably not.

They don't.

I think a lot of it has to do with how we are raised, right?

I was raised in a household that we absolutely could not talk about a period.

I remember when I lost my virginity, I was terrified.

Like, oh my God, if my parents find out, like, they're going to give me a beating.

Of course, that was a long time ago, but I feel even the younger generations.

Because I have a younger audience, people send me messages on TikTok.

They say the same thing.

My mom doesn't give me the freedom.

You know, I'm too embarrassed.

What is my father going to think?

How do we change that?

I think family sex communication is a big topic.

I actually recently studied that

and we found that family sex communication, which is basically how your parents approach the topic of sex with you and in the household, has a huge impact on young adults' development of their sexual confidence.

And when you grow up in a family that treats sex as a taboo and treats sex as like a bad thing, then you develop sexual anxiety as a young adult.

So no wonder, you know, all these people out there feeling super anxious before they hook up or boys, like, I mean, men that are in their early 20s having erectile dysfunction

because of sexual anxiety.

And they're like,

where does this come from?

It comes from your family.

It comes from society.

It comes from religion.

Yeah.

And also mass media too.

But nowadays, I think mass media is doing better.

I agree.

Representing more holistic sexuality.

And I I think people like us, right, we are opening up these conversations and we're making it more approachable.

Yeah, yeah.

Because that's one thing.

Maybe people say that to you also.

Like, I get messages, people say to me all the time, I feel comfortable talking to you.

I listened to an episode and I decided to go and have this conversation with my boyfriend or my girlfriend.

So it makes me happy when I get that type of message.

It's very rewarding.

Yeah, right, for sure.

But parents, if you're listening, talk to your kids, your teenagers about it, right?

Teenagers about it.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Like they're the

sex is the reason why they're here.

And it's healthy, right?

It's so healthy.

I feel like, especially in the United States, because I come from cultures that are way more open about it, but I feel like there is this whole stigma, like it's something dirty and under, it should be like talked, like, you know, under the table, so to speak.

And it makes me sad because it shouldn't be something dirty.

It's such a fantastic part of life.

I always bring it to the table, not under the table.

Bring it to the table everywhere I go, whether I get lunch, dinner, networking event, whatever it is, I always bring it to the table.

I speak about it in a very unapologetic way so that other people can feel like, oh, wow, if she can do it, I can do it.

Yeah, I love it.

So let's start with the questions, okay?

I'm going to try to, maybe you can help us with the most common questions that people send me.

And of course, I'm not an expert.

I don't know.

Maybe you can help us.

The number one complaint of men and women, you must have heard that before.

They are in a relationship or married or whatever, and they are not getting enough sex.

So, guys, they say, Well, this is why I went and cheated because I love my wife, but I want to have sex.

And after a while, they get so frustrated, they meet some cute girl at work, la la la, and they cheat.

But women's the same.

There are a lot of women that cheat because they're like, You know, my husband is tired, he's stressed out, he cannot get it hard, or he's too lazy, nah, nah, nah.

They go and have an affair.

So, this is the question for you.

And I don't even know if we have an answer before actually cheating, right?

Which we hope nobody would do because I'm totally guessing.

What would be the solution for that?

So

sex is never just about sex.

Sex is about everything else outside the bedroom.

Not having sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

So

If you have a partner who cheated on you, who said, oh, it's because of our sex life.

No, it's not.

It's a much bigger problem in a relationship when people engage in infidelity uh there are three main reasons the first one is it is a personal reason so they feel uninspired of themselves.

They don't feel good about themselves.

They lack confidence.

Maybe they just lost their job.

Maybe they lost their mojo.

Maybe they gained a lot of weight.

Whatever it is, they don't feel good about themselves.

It's a personal reason.

they go out there to get external validation the second reason is interpersonal meaning there's a problem in a relationship outside the bedroom so it can be it could be respect problem it could be follow-through problem a lot of people say they'll do things that they don't do them um it could be uh

the fact that you know you don't show adoration or desire or compliment your partner.

So it could be many other things outside the bedroom that cause that bedroom problem.

And then I see that's so what do you suggest if somebody out there listening?

Because I actually have friends in this situation.

They confide in me.

They're like, I love my wife, but I want to have sex.

And she tells me, because women sometimes are like, I love you, but I don't have a sex drive.

Or the kids may be tired or the job may be tired.

So what would be the first step?

The first step is talking about it.

You and your partner have to engage in what I call macro sexual communication.

And this is checking into the true reason why you're not having sex because sex is not just about the bedroom.

Yeah.

It's about other things.

So you have to get to the point of like, what is the actual problem here?

I one time have a couple that I help in my private practice.

They came in and they say it's a sex problem, it's a sex problem.

And then after investigating for a long time, we know what the problem is.

It's a communication problem.

He always cuts her off when she's talking.

So she feels disrespected and she feels her opinion is not being valued.

And she feels like he thinks he's better than her.

That's the problem, not penetration.

So sex is a symptom of other problems.

True, you find the root of it.

And sometimes people say, I love my partner, but I don't have sexual desire for them.

It's mainly because the sex that you guys are having is boring.

No one wants to have boring sex.

True, but how do they learn how to not have boring sex?

I totally agree.

Read the book.

Read the book.

The book, How Do You Like It has multiple, what I call erotic solutions.

Ooh, I love that.

Erotic solutions are the solutions to your boring sex problem.

If you have a boring sex life, you need erotic solutions.

These are different sexual activities that you can do that's non-penetrative.

Because I think a lot of people,

they might be listening, like, do I have boring sex?

I'm not sure I have boring sex.

I think a lot of people are having really boring sex and they don't even notice.

Right, right.

Because it becomes this routine where they accept it and they think it's so good.

I've been in relationships because to me, honestly, having great sex is a priority.

One of the priorities in a relationship.

Why?

Because I was in an almost sexless marriage for 15 years because my husband was drinking.

And, you know, when people drink, it was really shitty.

So once I got out of there and I started feeling empowered because I do the podcast, I'm like, okay, I love having sex.

I have a very high sex drive.

I don't want to be in that relationship again.

So I've been in partnerships that, of course, in the beginning, every guy says they love a lot, right?

But then they like slow down.

But I don't want to be in that situation again.

So to me, let's say if it's me or anybody else in the same situation, you start dating someone, you're in a relationship with that person.

And in the first few dates, the sex is great because they want to impress, and then they get lazy.

I think sex is usually great in the first year.

And then in the second year, it's less.

And in the third year, it's less.

But how do you make them keep it up?

Like, don't get lazy in bed.

Talk.

Well, novelty is extremely important when it comes to sexual desire.

You don't desire the same thing for years.

Right.

Basic human psychology states,

no one desires the same exact thing for a long period of time.

Let's just accept that fact.

I think especially for men, like if women are listening, send this podcast to your husband, because especially for men, like if they don't

put in any effort to bring in any kind of novelty to the sex life, women are actually the first to be bored of the sex they have.

Research found that women get bored of their partner faster than men do.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

But you're not, by the way, you're not saying novelty in terms of like, oh, I have to go and have sex with someone else.

You're saying novelty in terms of like novelty.

Yeah, like what kind of sex are you having?

There's like literally 200 different sexual activities you can do.

How many are you doing?

Two.

Yeah, usually.

So you're doing two or three different things.

Yeah.

You have 197 things to try.

So.

Which brings me to the next question.

I know that for a lot of people,

they are very embarrassed or afraid or uncomfortable when it comes to telling their partner they want to try something new.

Especially, like you did a video that I loved about how how to go kinky, right?

I know a lot of people want to try kinky things, but they're like, oh my gosh, he's going to think I'm a perfect.

He's going to think I'm a hard.

No, no, no.

They are so embarrassed that they don't bring it up.

So how do you approach that without being embarrassed?

I call it the media mention method.

So I have used this method many times.

All my clients have, my students have, my friends have.

It's so effective.

Instead of putting yourself in that position where you are saying, I want to try this, just use the media mention method.

Here's how you do it.

So you just go, hey, babe, today I listened to this episode on Cat on the Loose and they were talking about bondage.

Like, have you ever tried that before?

It's so interesting.

That's it.

That's all you have to do.

The media mention method.

Mention a media that you just heard.

It could be a podcast.

It could be a TV episode.

It could be a book.

It could be an article online.

Whatever it is.

you came across this thing and it's so interesting.

And then the point is you have to ask them, what do you think about it?

So it's a dialogue.

So you're not the person to say, I want to do this, but it's like, what do you think?

It just starts a conversation.

It's so effective.

I love that idea.

I have used it so many times with my partner.

Have I ever used it?

I don't know.

I'm well.

Obviously.

You use it tonight.

I'm kind of like the opposite, you know, but I like that idea.

I just come and say what i want yeah yeah which i know sometimes you know if it's if it's a new receiver yeah yeah but but usually the guys that date me because they know i do the show they feel really comfortable telling me what they want to do like they tell me their fantasies they tell me the kinky that they were never

they were too embarrassed to tell the previous partner because they're like oh you know you're so open-minded i want to tell the kinkiest thing you've ever heard one of these guys said so from a guy like my ex-boyfriend this guy that i was dating last year, and I was really, we didn't do it, by the way, guys.

I broke up with him because he was a pathological liar and kind of like a drunk, but whatever.

But he came to me.

He was like, he told me that his biggest fantasy, and by the way, this was a guy that was married for a long time and had shitty sex with his wife forever and ever and ever.

So now he's like in his 50s and he started, you know, having a little bit of mid-life crisis, but that's a whole other story.

He told me that his biggest fantasy was he wanted to watch me suck another guy's dick

oh cockholding yeah would read oh is that what it's called yeah there's a term for everything that's called cockholding you should do like addiction or sexuality

because i i never heard that before and i never did it i was like oh okay

when we were having sex and he told me that i was super turned on because he was getting turned on and after like the morning after he was a little embarrassed he was like oh i think i was drunk and i said it's okay it's okay to tell your partner what you want to do it right it doesn't matter if i want to do it or not but it's good that you actually spoke up about what you want i think it's so courageous because sex is very vulnerable and sexual fantasies and kings

they're really hard to say yes because it's like oh what will they think of me Right.

And people don't want other people to think of them poorly.

They want people to think of them positively.

But that's the problem, Dr.

Tara, that a lot of people, and I have guy friends that say that to me, oh, I suggested to her that we do whatever.

Like, I told her I wanted to handcuff her.

And she was like, ew, oh, my God.

Because unfortunately, a lot of women have this reaction.

Right.

That is unfortunate.

And I think we need to teach women and men too.

We need to teach people that your first reaction to anything that your partner says should be curiosity.

Yeah.

Like, oh, that's interesting.

Like, how did you get into that?

Right?

Like, ask a question instead of saying, ew, or that's gross, or I would never do that, or that's perverted.

Like, don't place judgment

on other people just because they were born with these kings.

Have curiosity.

Like, how did you get into it?

And have you done it before?

I think most people have fantasies that are unfulfilled.

And the problem is, most of them don't have the courage to speak up.

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Hello, Finny.

Did you think our story was over?

Mr.

Krabber, this Friday.

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We're actually

Omium Theaters Friday.

Read it R.

Under 17, not a meeting without parents.

Research found that a lot of women have consensual non-consent

fantasies.

Consensual non-consent.

And they are very ashamed about it.

And so speaking of that, it's kind of similar to bondage.

Right?

Consensual non-consent.

No.

Consensual non-consent is sort of like

it's non-consensual sex.

Right.

But they know that it's going to happen.

It's kind of like rape play.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But they know it's going to happen.

They consent to it happening, but it's like forcing your partner to have sex with you, but it's role play.

A lot of people have this fantasy.

Yeah.

But they are too afraid to share it with their partner because they're afraid that their partner will go like, why do you want to be forced?

Yeah.

So I think.

But it's not about that.

So how you you said if somebody brings uh suggests a sexual fantasy to you even if it's something you don't want to do don't be mean and rude right like you said like why do you want to do that are you crazy you're a pervert like i think it's okay to say no right if somebody brings up an idea like my wife has said to me if i didn't want to do it i would i could say you know that's amazing but i'm not ready for it right you don't have to be like oh my god you know you're such a pervert right yeah because then he's going to

i'm not ready ready for it is a great response.

Yeah.

Because it doesn't mean it's a no forever.

Yeah.

Just I'm not there yet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was, I was curious about doing it, by the way, because it's something I never did.

I was like, huh, you know, lucky me, two guys for me, if that's what you want.

Yeah.

I mean, a lot of people are nowadays in ethical non-monogamy.

Yeah.

That's a, oh my God, that's a whole other episode, right?

That's, oh my God, that's, that's more complicated.

Let's talk about bondage because I know you probably got a lot of questions about that.

And I got a lot of questions about that.

You did an incredible video on your Instagram.

You guys should go check it out.

And I think you are very vulnerable on the video because you talk about how you went to Ibiza, right?

And you let this lady tie you up a lot.

And you mentioned that it's all about relinquishing total control.

You're literally tied there, and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's such a trust game.

It's a a huge trust game.

And I know a lot of people.

So you literally can't move an inch.

Right.

And I mean, in your videos, like, well, I don't know if I will do that.

Because that's like, it wasn't just the hands

or just the feet.

I would suspend it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But so if somebody's listening, they're like, yeah, that's my fantasy.

I would love to play this game.

Is there a way to approach?

Like, if both people say, I want to try it out, but, you know, I'm a little scared.

It is very vulnerable.

How do you, you know, feel more comfortable about it?

I highly recommend reaching out to a professional dominatrix or a professional Shibari bondage practitioner.

It's a very hard practice.

It's not easy to do.

If you think of doing it at home, maybe try handcuffs.

that you can buy at stores or online, like fluffy handcuffs.

But if you want to try Shibari, where it's like

tying the ropes and it's very complex and you're afraid afraid you can't get out of it.

Like, go to a professional.

It's actually a very hard practice.

Like, I look at her and I'm like, oh, wow.

It took her like 45 minutes to tie my whole body and get me into the position.

So it's not something to just casually do at home.

But I think it's a really fun practice to go as a couple.

Like, if you're in a relationship and you're like, oh, let's go explore this.

Like, Google and try to find credible Dominatrix or Shibari or Bondage practitioner and go to their studio and do it there.

Oh my god, I had no idea that this exists.

Yeah, so it's the studio.

So she does, she's a Dominatrix and she does Shibari.

And so I went to her studio in Ibiza and that's where we did it together.

So but why would people go to us to just to learn how to do it so they can do it at home with their partners?

You can learn how to do it, but you can also just go to receive.

go to be to get bondage done to you because it turns you on it can be it turns you on it can be a practice to explore further into sexuality realm because I've tried so many things already in sex.

So I just want to

push more.

I want to push it and I want to know what else turns me on.

And also so you can speak.

And it speak, you can, now you can speak with authority.

With real experience.

Yeah.

And it did.

It turned me on so bad.

Oh, wow.

I was very turned on.

So after

that, I really wanted to have sex.

Were you with somebody there?

Oh, good.

I was in pain.

You were in pain.

Yeah.

Yeah, because it looks painful.

But it's also a good type of pain if you're into that stuff, right?

It is.

Yeah, it was, it was, yeah.

I was in sort of a trance.

Like, oh, wow.

Like, I have to return to that.

Did you ever say?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

But I surrender completely and I was tied up.

My whole body was tied up, cannot move an inch.

Then I was suspended in the air and I was kind of hung up there for a while.

Wow.

And you really have to trust your dom.

Oh my God.

Yeah, that's why you can't do it at home, like casually.

Yeah, that's for professionals.

But then when you got out of it, you went back to your hotel room and had wild sex with your partner.

Yeah, I mean,

it was a fun,

it was a really fun thing to experience because also

I feel like in my life

with owning a business and being a professor, I make a lot of decisions and I'm like always this boss bitch.

I don't want to be boss bitch all the time.

And for that one hour that I wasn't, it actually was liberating.

And oh my God, it just felt so good.

I cried.

Oh.

Not from pain, but from just

like feeling so relieved for not doing anything and just following instructions.

I love it.

When I was looking at your post, I really, that's how I memorize so much of it because I really identify, because like you said, you're the boss bitch.

And it's the same.

In my personal life, I'm in charge 15, 16 hours a day like my business my show

my daughter so in my personal relationships I totally want to like give up control I think you would love Shibari I don't you would be such a cute robot I'm a little claustrophobic I know but when you learn to trust the dom because she gives you good space you this is for me this is what I say if I'm with the right partner if I'm really into that person I'm open to

exploring different things that would be good for you know what I mean?

Like, I'm super open-minded.

I don't just say no, this is discussed.

Because I think in a relationship, like you were saying, the more interesting things you bring into it, the more open-minded you are, the richer your sex life will be, right?

Yes.

And the richer you will be.

Yeah, for sure.

A good sex life contributes to like better business, more money coming in.

Better skin, better hair.

Like just good sex life contributes to a lot of things.

I hope people listen to you because I keep repeating this over and over.

Even before I did the podcast, I remember I used to always say, but I keep repeating this on the podcast over and over and over again.

If people were having better sex and more sex, I think in general, the world would be a better place.

I know, 100%.

Because I think a lot of issues, like people are angry and pissed and all these bottled-up issues, I think a lot of it would go away if these people were having amazing sex life.

Because they have like so much resentment in their relationship.

Right.

And when you're resentful of your partner, it shows up everywhere.

It does.

You're just bitter and angry and you don't show up as your best self.

I know, totally.

So I want to talk about another topic that I know it's really hot, at least for my listeners.

Maybe you have some tips.

Dirty talk, kinky talk.

I love dirty talk.

I don't like sex in silence.

Do you?

No, no, no.

I think it's so bad.

I'm a huge fan of dirty talk.

Right?

Like, if I'm having sex with the guy and he's like,

are you enjoying it?

Do you like it?

I want action.

I want talk even better.

But again, I know a lot of people are so embarrassed.

What am I supposed to say?

I remember there was even an episode of Sex in the City.

I don't even remember a lot.

Oh, yeah, is it with Charlotte?

And she like freaked out.

Yeah.

Because he was like, you dirty.

Like as he has orgasms.

Exactly.

And I remember watching that episode because I watched Sex in the City all the time.

And I was like,

she should be having fun.

Like the guy is letting it go and calling her, but she was horrified.

So if somebody wants to try it out, or for those who are very shy and bad, both men and women, any easy baby steps?

Yeah, the baby step would be just use words of desire.

You don't have to go derogatory terms.

You don't have to be intense.

It doesn't have to be super spicy.

You can use words of desires.

For example, you can say, you can look at someone intensely and say, say, I want you.

You can look at someone intensely and go and ask a question, do you want me?

Do you want me to come?

Do you want me to come for you?

Only these will turn them on so hard.

Just be really into it when you say it.

Like, you don't have to say crazy things.

Even these words, which I call words of desires, they are so effective.

I love

that.

Anything is better than just laying there quietly.

Oh, yeah, totally.

And also, like, men go crazy when their woman says, like, do you want me to come for you?

They go crazy.

It works every time.

Oh, really?

Okay, I'll try that.

Try it tonight.

Look, like I said, as long as you don't lay there, like, you know, you're dead.

I remember a few years ago, I was dating this guy.

Same issue with all the guys that were married for a long time and had horrible sex life with their wives.

They are so shy.

Yeah, the guy was laying there.

I remember the first time we had sex and he came.

I didn't even notice until he told me.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, because he was so quiet.

And then it took a few times.

And then, you know, after a while, he was like, yeah, okay, now I feel I can speak up with you.

But guys, if you're listening, like, no woman wants you just laying there saying nothing, right?

That's so boring.

I think when guys say words of command, it's really hot.

So like if as they have sex with you and they penetrate you and they say like, come for me, come for me.

That's really hot.

If you are really into it and you're like, you know, doing the strokes and you just keep saying, come for me, come for me, like that's really hot.

Another thing is

like basically like, come here and turn over, right?

Like just command the space because then she will feel more taken care of.

Women feel more turned on when the man is confident in bed.

And one way to to show confidence is to talk confidently.

Yes.

With a lot of self-assurance and not like, uh, do you want to try this?

Like, no, no, no, no, no.

Say, yeah, don't, yeah, don't ask, just do it.

Yeah.

Well, say, you know,

yeah,

I'm going to do this to you, right?

Like, say, like, I want to fuck you from behind.

Turn around.

Yeah.

Right.

And if she doesn't want to do it, she'll tell you.

But like, we want to hear confidence.

For sure.

1 million percent.

But also, that goes for women.

Don't be too shy.

Like you're in bed.

I know a lot of girls, and I don't like when I get this message, like, oh, you know, I'm too shy.

What if he notices, you know, the cellulite on my leg?

What if I'm like, I don't think cellulite.

Yeah, I don't think any guy, like when you're in bed, they're going to be noticing like

imperfections of your body.

They're going to be like noticing the whole package, right?

But a lot of girls say they're very shy when they're in bed in terms of telling what

What are a few phrases that women could say that would turn the guy on?

I want you.

I want you.

Yeah.

I want you.

I want you to fuck me.

Yeah, that one always works.

Works every time.

And I would say,

do you want me to come for you?

That works every time.

Yeah.

I like that.

I love all of those.

Now, I want to debunk this myth and I want to know your opinion because I think this is so fucking absurd.

It annoys the living living daylights out of me.

And I've had many matchmakers, I say experts with quotes, because nowadays anybody's, you know, self-proclaimed.

Yeah.

I'm an expert.

Like, no, yeah.

But anyhow, a lot of people have said when you start dating someone, like I was saying, my, my situations, but like you're dating someone and you go on one, two, three dates, no, no, no.

Me, I want to know if I have sexual chemistry with the person I'm dating.

I want to know.

I don't want to date a dude for three, five, six months without knowing if we click sexually.

But a lot of the experts, including famous ones, say withhold sex, wait, because the minute you give them sex, that's men and it's the pheromones, hormones, whatever it is, they're not going to be interested anymore.

And they're going to think you're a slut and you do this with every guy.

So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Some people say wait 90 days.

Some people say, I had this very famous person that came on the show.

She was like, oh, wait until you are in a monogamous, committed relationship.

Wow.

And to me, I was like, I don't want to be in a monogamous committed relationship with this guy if I haven't seen him naked.

What if I don't like it?

And vice versa.

So what is your take on this?

So I'm going to educate from a very objective standpoint.

Police.

And this is what research shows.

And this is what the theory states when it comes to having sex on the first date.

And this is the truth.

The truth is, don't listen to all these people that give you specific timeline because everyone is on their own fucking timeline.

Yeah.

Everyone.

So don't listen to expert that gives you a prescription because it does not work that way.

It depends on who you are, who they are, where you are in life.

There's so many variables that come into play that you just can't follow other people's prescription.

Now,

how do you approach sex on the first date?

Yes or no?

There are two school of thoughts and I want you to really think about it and think about who you are and what you subscribe to.

Don't listen to these other people.

The first one is school.

The first school is sexual restraint.

So the school of sexual restraint states that you withhold sex until you feel emotionally connected to them.

Then you have sex.

The second school is sexual compatibility school.

This school states, have sex on the first date, then you'll know if you are sexually compatible or not, then you can use that as your criteria to make sense whether or not you want to date this person further.

It depends on which school you subscribe to.

Whatever.

No right or wrong answer.

Yeah.

My answer is I subscribe to sexual compatibility school because I like having sex with people knowing whether or not we're going to be together in the future.

If I have sex with you on the first date,

it's also because I already have chemistry with you.

I don't just have sex with anybody.

Like I have sex with people that I have chemistry with.

If the chemistry is strong, I will have sex on the first date.

And so far, they all want to marry me.

So I don't know what the problem is.

Who would?

Yeah, exactly.

I marry.

I mean, my husband and I, we had sex on the first date and, you know, it worked out.

Oh, my God.

That's so funny to say that.

Because same, my husband and I, well, yeah, it was, it was, yeah, it was

second, like, you talked before,

and then you went on a date, and the, and the date was so good.

We just had sex on the first date, and then I was, it was confirmed that we have sexual compatibility, which is great.

But I have many friends that subscribe to sexual restraint school.

I respect them, but they go by their own timeline.

There's no like six months, nine months.

Like, yeah, I feel like,

of course, if you want to, if you want to live your life that way, I totally agree.

But don't play this game, like, oh, I'm going to withhold sex from him

until he tells me I'm exclusive, until he does ABCDE.

I think that can backfire.

Oh, yeah.

Although a lot of women think it cannot.

No, it backfires.

Yeah, I think that's like, and I've had, like, remember a long time ago, at the beginning of the podcast, I had a really good guy friend come on the show and he was like, he used this really funny expression.

He said, oh, if you're like withholding your vagina hostage and to play with my life i'm gonna go and have sex with someone else

so usually that's not a an ideal game to play with a man right just just follow your gut i guess

and also you know sex isn't something you give away sex is something you enjoy right with a partner that respects you.

So it can be whether it's committed relationship, casual sex, whatever it is, as long as they respect you as a human being, you can have great sex.

And again, sex isn't something that's being done to you.

It's not something that you lose, that you have to withhold.

It's something you enjoy.

It's pleasurable.

So why wouldn't you do something you enjoy?

It's like if you love sushi, why would you withhold yourself from eating sushi?

I don't get it.

Like just eat the sushi.

Yeah, just eat it.

You love sushi, eat the sushi.

Why are you withholding?

What is the point?

If it feels right for you, just freaking do it.

Right?

No games.

Yeah, eat the sushi.

I love you.

I think this is such good advice.

For me, I always say that, you know, I normally don't have sex on a first date, but it's not because I'm withholding it.

It's because I kind of, I'm a major psychiosexual.

Like, I need the mental connection.

Intellectual connection.

Yeah, I need that.

That's what really turns me on.

You're married smart men, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

What if they're really hot and not smart?

I don't care.

To me, what what turns me on in a man is not so much the, it's what's in their head.

Yeah.

That turns me on more than anything else, like how they think, what they say, how they talk, you know, the way they behave.

I'm shallow.

I love abs.

Which you're entitled to be.

See, I don't really care about that.

I love abs.

I love arms.

I love hands.

That's the thing.

When a guy walks in, it's the first thing I look at the guy is the hands.

Like big hand or small hand?

No, they have to be like big, powerful, thick.

Like if the guy has like skinny fingers or something.

I've been on dates, on first dates, that I look at the guy and I'm like, okay, this is never going to work.

I like small fingers.

That means they can finger you good.

But you know, like we have different

preferences.

And for me, I've always been a sucker for hands.

I don't know.

It turns me on like crazy.

I'm a hands person.

A hands girl.

Yeah, hands.

So if I look at the dude, like.

In 10 seconds, I know if it's a guy I would date or not.

Really?

Yes.

So

if they they want to date you, just send a picture to your DM.

I've asked before.

I'm like, can I please see your hands?

And they're like, why?

When I'm texting the guy, I'm like, can I please see your hands?

DM her, DM her your hands, guys.

DM you.

I do that.

So

my God.

Because I've been in situations that I was on a first date.

And when the guy shows up and I look at his hands, I'm like, I do not want to sit through this dinner for two hours because there is no way in hell this guy is going to.

Mine is abs.

So abs, okay.

If you don't have apps, don't DM me.

that's at least we know what we like yeah exactly so i think i love you said so many powerful things and as long as it's important to you like you said it's not like a one prescription for everyone never never and don't listen to experts thank you that say that there is a prescription like here's a recipe it's bullshit and last but not least on this topic i think like you said about your husband my husband if it's the right person for you they're not going to judge you.

No, like, oh my God, what a heart.

We just had sex on the first date.

Oh, yeah, no.

You know, if they did that, my husband loved your person.

Yeah, same.

He was like, my husband married me.

Yeah, to like

feel so sexually connected to you.

Yeah.

I said, no, I know.

Sexual connection is powerful.

Yeah.

And when you really harness it and foster that connection, it fuels every aspect.

of the relationship.

Ever since we've been together, we have grown so much as a person.

We have made so much more money.

Our businesses have grown so much.

And we attribute part of it to our sexual connection.

Oh, for sure.

Look, nobody should be in an unhappy, like in a relationship with a horrible sex life.

And I think you made a post or a comment about that on another podcast.

Like, it's not worth it.

No.

It's not.

It is a really important part of a healthy, amazing relationship.

If you're not having great sex with your partner, get help.

Read the book, call you.

Yeah, well, when you read the book, how do you like it?

You'll learn all about yourself, like who you are as a sexual person.

So you'll have language to start talking about it.

You also learn who your partner is.

Yeah,

in bed, truly, and not just the things that they lie about.

Yeah, 1 million percent.

Now, before we run out of time, I want to talk about something that I think is very, very important.

A lot of single people out there, just because you're single, it doesn't mean you need to sit at home feeling miserable, not pleasuring yourself.

Masturbate.

Oh, masturbation is so good.

Oh my God, but

it breaks my heart how many women, especially, because for a guy, it's almost like a, it's a natural instinct, right?

They do it.

But girls, and I have girlfriends, they're like, oh, I don't have a

vibrator.

Get a vibrator.

Yeah, it's such an important and healthy part of life, right?

You don't need to wait for a partner.

Like, keep entertaining yourself in the meantime, right?

When you masturbate and when you orgasm you release dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin which is great for your physical health mental health and sexual health so I highly recommend masturbating it's a it's a self-care practice yes it's like put on a mask get in a bath you know masturbate before you sleep And it feels so good.

It relieves

stress.

Oh my God.

I'm a huge fan of masturbation.

Same.

I'm a huge advocate.

If I'm traveling and I'm not with a partner, I'm masturbating like three, four times a week.

Oh, my, no, same.

Like now that I'm single, this year I decided to, you know, take a break.

Like, I'm on this dating diet a little bit and everything.

I'm still, you know, having a lot of time.

How long do you masturbate?

Like three, three times a week?

Usually more.

Honestly, almost every now and then.

That's why your skin's so good.

Thank you.

Yeah, people with good skin.

I really ain't.

Every time I ask them, they masturbate a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, we age with great skin for sure.

When you come with

you, have good skin.

Sometimes I might skip a night because, you know, sometimes, of course, I come to light or I'm exhausted.

But in general, I just freaking do it because I love it.

No, say it.

It relaxes me.

It's a cancer.

It puts me like in a great mood.

Sometimes I even do it like in the morning on the weekends.

And like vibrators are like such a gift.

Like such a gift.

It's so pleasurable to use a vibrator.

I'm so glad you're saying that because when I hear women saying, like, no, I don't do it.

I'm like, why?

No shame in the masturbation game.

No, please do it, right?

Please do it.

Oh my God.

So many incidents.

That's homework.

Yes, that's homework.

And the book, when is the book out for everybody out there?

The book is already out for pre-order.

And it will start shipping on October 21st.

How do you like it?

A guide for getting what you want in bed, which is what we all deserve and what we want.

Dr.

Tara, congratulations.

You're doing incredible work.

What's your Instagram so people can follow you?

My Instagram is Lovebites.

L-U-V-B-I-T.

Oh, yeah, I love that name.

Lovebites.com.

Lovebites.

And I'm putting the link for her website on this episode.

If you guys are listening to the audio episode and on the video episode, her link is here.

So you can go there, check out her work, get the book.

Fantastic read.

You are unbelievable.

Even more beautiful in person.

That's fine.

And by the way, you have fantastic fashion scents.

We have the same fashion.

We have the same.

I'm like, thank God I didn't wear it today, but it would have been cute.

It's really cute.

Or like 20 cents.

Next time, I'm definitely going to invite you back because I know we're going to have a million more questions for you and we're running out of time.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

It was such an honor to have you.

Guys, go have great sex out there.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

Be safe.

Mr.

Monopoly here.

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