SEX TALK WITH CERTIFIED SEX COACH ELAINE TURNER

Hi, everyone.

Hello, girls.

Hello, guys.

Hello, cats.

Hello, dogs.

I have a super special guest here today because, number one, she's a sex coach.

And let's be honest, we love talking about sex.

Number two, because she's all the way in Australia.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi, Kat.

How are you?

I'm great.

How are you?

I'm doing great.

And I'm so excited to be here today.

I'm very excited to have you.

So, let me introduce you properly to my audience.

Your name is Elaine Turner.

You are a sex coach.

I'm looking at her Instagram, Sex with Elaine.

It says sex, dating, and relationship coach.

So let's jump right on it.

But before I ask the first question, which is how do you become a sex coach?

You're living in Australia, but you're an American, right?

Yeah, so I was originally born in Northern California, but I moved abroad in 2014, I think it was, and I called a bunch of other countries home in the meantime.

So, you're there to stay?

Are you in Australia for good?

You know, that remains to be seen there.

I kind of like to let the universe show me where I'm going.

Nothing ever goes to plan if I have learned anything in this lifetime.

So, I have to ask you one personal question.

I've never been to Australia, it's totally on my bucket list.

And I was talking about it to my friend.

Oh, yeah, guys, by the way, I have an adorable co-host here today.

It's my bestie cat with a C.

So, today we're like Cat Square.

first.

Cat Squared is the logo, yeah, the caves first.

So, anyways, we were talking about it last night that I was going to interview you all the way from Australia.

I heard a lot of people say that the ratio of men to women there is really high.

And then, my friend Kat was like, Really?

So, we want to ask you, is that true, or that's a myth?

Um, so I've actually never heard that one before, but um, I do actually know the stats on that, and it's pretty evenly split men to women it's 99.2 men for every 100 women according to the 2020 census

hear that maybe changed maybe the ratio of like hot men to hot women is different i don't know

so quick sex maybe i'm on the cattle branch

yeah yeah yeah

i watched crocodile dunde for the first time over the covid lockdown with my mom and i really want to go there that's all i to say.

I really want to visit.

I really want to visit Australia.

We definitely got a gotta book a girls trip to Australia.

But so let's ask a quick Australian sex question.

Are men great in bed there?

Are they shy?

Are they outgoing?

Is it better than Americans?

Can you dish a little bit?

So, I mean, everyone's different everywhere.

Currently, I'm living in Sydney.

I have found it to be a little bit more sexually conservative here than pretty much everywhere else I've lived.

Yeah, which is really interesting.

When I first moved here, I spent a lot of time, of course, going to all the best toy stores and checking things out.

And

people are pretty uncomfortable when you talk about those things.

I taught a blowjob class last weekend, and some of the girls thought a lot of the material I was teaching was outrageous.

So

it's different from other places I've been.

I'll say that.

You said you taught a blowjob class.

How do you, I never, have you ever heard of a blowjob class, Kat?

Okay, I actually have heard of it.

There is a little shop in Houston, and the lady teaches, you know,

this type of sexy classes.

But I've never attended one.

So can you tell us how, how does it go?

Is it online or is it in person?

And how do you teach on a banana?

So it can be either online or in person.

If you're in Sydney, I love teaching them here, especially for like a hen's do, a bachelorette party, as you call it in America.

It's super fun.

I bring my own dildo, but I bring bananas for everyone else, flavored condoms, flavored lube.

It's at least a 90-minute class because there's so much to cover.

And usually, I pop a little fun tidbits in there.

A lot of women actually want to learn about prostate play.

So,

it's an oral sex class for women.

What did you do that they thought it was outrageous?

Can you share?

Men are invited to.

So, like managing.

okay.

So, it's an oral sex class for everybody.

But, what did you do that was so

outrageous for Australians?

Can you share?

I can't say it's outrageous for all Australians, but for example, when we were talking about with, you know, oral sex and different techniques, the idea of slapping the cough on your tongue was rather confronting to a lot of the participants.

Slapping the cough on the tongue.

I never did.

I think I'm pretty good.

Can you show me on video again?

Sorry, guys.

I'm going to put the video on.

Can you do that again?

Oh, yeah.

Get the dildo, please.

We love a good dildo.

She has a bunch of sex stuff, guys.

If you want to see the videos, go to my Instagram.

Okay, please.

Catsamura Rio Candles because this girl is hot.

This chick knows her game.

You have a collection of dildos there.

I see it.

Okay.

Teach us, teach us the tongue licking.

Okay, I'm going to try my man tonight.

Okay, new trick.

Go.

Elaine.

Ah.

There you go.

Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah.

I never thought of that.

Because what that does is this part of the penis down here, everyone who can't see right now, I'm showing the head of a penis.

Underneath is the V-shaped area.

That's called the frenulum.

It's the most sensitive part of the penis.

So a little extra tongue attention there goes a long way.

I'm not trying that.

I'm always game for trying new things.

Now, because people call it a blow job, but my listeners know I love giving R sex.

It turns me on like big, big, big time.

I love it.

Do you like it, Kat?

She's like, she's taking the fifth on this one.

So, but, anyways, I always try to learn new things.

And let's stay on this

subject for a minute before I ask you other questions that people send.

You talk about leaking, but a lot of men

get very excited when you play with the balls.

And you know, the area like underneath the balls.

That was one of my questions for you.

Like,

let's say the asshole, the anus, the asshole.

But it's a big taboo, right?

Because a lot of guys think, oh, if I let her play with my asshole, I'm gay.

But that's not the case.

No, definitely not.

So I can talk about anal forever.

So the soft spot you're talking about in between the testicles, the testicles, yes, huge erogenous zone.

If they're trimmed well, gargle them, have some fun.

There's a soft spot if you go from ball towards the anus, but not quite there, you'll find a soft area.

And if you apply pressure with the ball of your finger, ladies, if you've got acrylics, make sure that don't curve too much.

And you put pressure there,

consistent pressure, you can use the vibrator as well.

That's indirectly stimulating the prostate.

So to move on to male prostate legs, it shouldn't be as taboo as it is.

Men,

people who are biologically born as men with the XY chromosome have a prostate.

The prostate is a gland inside of your body that adds

nutrients to your semen, essentially, to make it easier for the sperm to swim their way towards either the back of your throat or towards their eventual goal or anywhere else they may land.

And by stimulating the prostate, you can create a whole different type of orgasm.

So, men who only fix the penis way are limiting their pleasure.

It does not make you gay.

Nothing makes you gay other than who you are.

But, you know, interestingly enough,

some guys sent me this question last night and this comment.

They

like when the girl touches, touches, licks, puts the finger on their asshole.

I'm talking about heterosexual guys, including one of my friends.

He's married, and he sent me a message last night, ask her about it, but I'm too embarrassed to tell my wife.

Like, can you lick my ass?

Can you put a finger there?

Can you, like, massage it?

How do I tell my wife without embarrassing myself or without her thinking that I'm crazy?

Because a lot of women don't know that that's a pleasure area for men.

And I'm not saying every man wants it, but some men want it.

Some men want it.

Sorry.

So there are 8 million ways you could introduce this.

Usually the easiest one for men to sort of segue into that anal play area, if they want to receive it, is to offer it to your partner first.

Say, hey, I want to try looking your asshole.

Let me toss that salad.

And, you know, start with her, and then you can introduce it you can also pull up an article on prostate health prostate orgasms are very important for men's health just like them having an orgasm every day it reduces the rate of prostate cancer really

this is like

i never heard that before but that's like i think i obviously that's my opinion but i think Sex, healthy sex, is great for overall health, right?

In general.

But this is something I never heard before.

That's a big deal.

guys listen to this so everybody needs to learn how to have a prostate orgasm

yes the prostate is like the same spot as the female g spot if you will g area yeah um it's just in the anus with a finger you can hit it no problem and it's about a finger's length end sometimes a little lower sometimes a little higher that half it's the size of half of a walnut size and shape but it is not the texture and hardness um so if you're looking for a walnut in your back back door, it's not going to go well.

Just look for the size and the shape.

And then just

pressure with a finger or a sex toy or penis or tildo, whatever, is a great way to have it.

That is a pain.

I never heard that before.

See, living and learning, right?

We think like, oh, we know everything about sex, but the most fun part is like learning new things and trying out with your partner, right?

Don't be shy, people.

I've been studying this for 12 years and I learned something new every day.

So if you think you know everything about sex,

think again.

Yeah, no, at my age, I was married for a long time.

My listeners know, but you don't know.

And I had the worst sex life for 15 years.

We barely had sex.

So I'm actually learning about my body and about sex and everything now, you know, and I think it's amazing.

The most fun part when you're in a relationship or dating someone is like experimenting with the person you like, right?

Because intimacy makes sex better.

Do you agree?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, how else are you going to learn about each other?

Everyone has this weird idea that sex and their relationship and their identity are three very separate things, and that what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, but what happens outside the bedroom comes between those sheets.

If you're experimenting in the bedroom, you're going to communicate better.

Oh, well, I got a million percent

of your relationships.

And I think I always say that because

all these dating apps have made dating so much more casual.

There's always these douche lords that order girls like pizza.

You know, they lie that they're interested in a relationship, but they just want to bang, bang, bang, bang.

And I always say, guys, you don't know what you're missing because you keep changing girls like you change clothes.

You're missing the best part of sex, which is discovering more and more and more and more with somebody that you actually really like and have chemistry with.

So that's just my sense.

Someone,

someone body you already know.

That's a useful.

So, yeah, that's going to get them off like the easiest, but you get to explore all those different avenues together and feel safe doing it.

Sex is such a fearful topic for so many people that when you build that trust together and you're open and you experiment, it's a whole different ballgame.

Yeah, 1 million percent.

We were talking about

oral sex for men.

Now, oral sex for women, do you teach that too?

Do you teach guys how to give better oral sex?

You know, I've offered that class, and not surprisingly, no one's taken me up on this.

Why do you think so?

They're embarrassed.

I think so.

I think a lot of sexuality is focused on giving the man pleasure and keeping the man.

That's that whole evolutionary competition thing.

But yeah, men don't really have those conversations.

They're not taught how to do it, which is why so many of them are terrible.

And half of them can't even point out a clitoris with a map with it circled in red.

And that's because they're afraid to ask.

ask they're afraid to learn they're afraid to show that they're ignorant in some way they assume that they can get everything they need yeah by watching you know don't work or the born that is so true but most women love to receive our sex correct

hell yeah and a lot of men

a lot of men don't like giving our sex

Right?

She's shaking her head.

Yes, that's true.

So I would just say to those guys out there that don't like giving oral sex, is there anything to make it more pleasurable for the guy?

Absolutely.

So, of course, a lot of women are very self-conscious about their smell down there, their taste.

Take a shower together first.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It can be a very erotic experience.

Also, flavored lubes, stimulating lubes, are going to make that a much more pleasurable experience.

Same thing with giving men oral sex.

You know, it just don't always taste great.

Put some little, a little bit of cherry lube on there, and it's a whole different ballgame for oral sex.

And then also make it like

a journey.

You know, you're exploring, you're learning, you're both learning about each other's bodies and listen to what she's saying and how her body is moving.

That will get you where you're going every time.

75% of women, roughly, depending on which study you read,

require clitoral stimulation to experience an orgasm.

Only about 25% of women reliably experience penetrative orgasm.

It is the exception, not the rule.

The clitoris is the rule.

The clitoris is where it behaves.

Yeah, but you can have, you can stimulate the clitoris with the finger, like with your hands, right?

You don't have to do it.

Absolutely.

Whatever.

You can use a sex toy, your hand, your thumb, whatever you got.

You have to preheat the oven, guys.

What does that mean?

Preheat the oven.

Exactly.

Okay, Okay, you have to pre-heat the oven.

You can start it on the female around the process.

Yeah, otherwise, it's gonna, I mean, I don't know.

I've been with the same guy.

Turn her on for a second.

Yes, luckily, I've been with the same guy for a very long time.

But the other thing that I have to say about my previous scandalous life is that guys with small penises really need to get good at oral because

I'm, I'm, you won't even notice a small penis.

The doctor is agreeing with you.

you she's shaking her head yes yes and like I've I've been lucky enough to like have you know I was seeing someone and this was a thing that he knew he was good at I mean this guy was a pro I mean I swear he could teach a master class on this stuff but his penis was tiny but honestly he was making up for the tiny penis that's one of the questions on the list that I think maybe a guy with a small penis sand last night I don't know but he actually asked do you have any pointers for men with very small penises?

A lot of guys with small penises are very self-conscious.

Do you have any idea how they can get over that and still be great in bed?

I guess Kat answered a little bit, but can you elaborate on that, Doc?

No, you're not a doctor, Elaine.

You're just a sex person.

No, I'm not a doctor.

You're a doctor.

I love that.

She's a sex.

I'm a certified sexologist.

Certified sexologist.

That's so much fun.

Yeah, I'm certified by the the American Board of Sexology, American Psychology of Sexology.

I got my sex coaching credentials from sex coach you.

I've got credentials from all over the world.

Wow.

Small penises are something I talk about all the time.

So,

first of all, you may not actually have a small penis.

Let's go ahead and start with that.

So, there was this BS study that went out in, I think it was the 90s, that men on average were between six and seven inches.

Now, I don't know if you've had a lot of personal experience, but I know that that is the exception and not the rule.

What is the exception?

Six to eight,

six, yeah, six to seven inches was supposedly the average from

complete matter BS.

Kathy's gonna get a measuring tape because I am not good with numbers.

I am mathematically disliking.

Oh, the dildo.

Okay, she's holding the dildo.

That's a big one.

That's seven inches.

Seven inches.

Yeah,

yeah,

see it like that.

I think my guys like that, like this dildo.

A little more delicious.

Yeah.

So in reality, they've done more studies.

So the current average from much better research is 5.1 inches.

5.1 to 5.3 is the average.

But as you can imagine, researchers don't like to get on their knees with the measuring tape and do the dirty work themselves.

They are men self-reporting their own penis size.

So I'm gonna ask you, Kat.

Do you think they're being honest?

Do you think they're

I know?

Because what I notice from doing the podcast is that they're most,

not most men, but men with small dicks are very self-conscious about it.

This is what I notice.

They send a ton of messages.

And let's be honest, I don't wanna be mean, but it's a tough problem to fix because, like, if a girl has small boobs, you know, you go and you got a boob job.

If you're a little overweight and you you don't like your body, you go on a diet.

It's easier for us girls to change the way we look.

But if a guy is born with a teeny tiny dick, I'm sure it must be tough, right?

To like take your clothes off or something.

But I think it's kind of like, I'm not a sex expert, but I would say what Kat said, learn how to please your woman in different ways to make up for it.

That was my next point.

It's not to make up for it.

So as a society, we have this complete focus on penetration.

And to us, penis and vagina, penis and anus, that's all that counts as sex.

And we need to stop that.

Oral sex is sex.

Finger sex is sex.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

You know, sex.

Oh, yeah.

So if you're totally focused on penis and vagina, guess what?

You're not pleasing 75% of women, no matter how big your dick is.

It's a novelty.

It's actually, it's a side.

It's a side.

Yeah.

And it's not one size fits all, right?

Like some women don't want the dick too big.

Some women and I.

Each woman has their own preference, right?

Yeah, I did some personal research with some friends, and we were talking about, you know,

small dick versus big dicks.

And it was unanimous among everyone.

A big dick is great for a night, but you marry.

a reasonable size penis.

You spend your life with a reasonable because you want to be able to walk to work the next day, you know?

You don't want to be limping in.

So it's really the guys with addicts who I have, you know, experienced, but they get turned out all the time.

Oh, you know what I would say to that?

Marry or date or stay forever with the person that you have the best chemistry with.

The person, because like we were talking about taste.

Oh, you should.

think that your partner is delicious.

You should want to lick every little bit of them.

You should think like, oh, this is the best dick on the planet.

This is the best pussy.

This is the best boobs.

this is the best mouth.

When I'm with someone, when I'm with my man, that's all I think about.

Like, oh, he's the most amazing, the most delicious.

I love the way he touches me, I love the way he fucks me, I love everything he does to me.

I can't wait to kiss him again.

So, I think it's a lot more about chemistry and how you interact with your partner in bed than actually sizes of things.

Don't you think so?

I couldn't agree more.

So I want to build on that for just a second because we also touched on this earlier with other cats interjections.

A partner who understands female arousal is worth double their weight in gold.

Female arousal does not follow that linear cycle that Masters and Johnson put together.

It's not excitement, plateau, orgasm, refraction.

That's not how female sexuality works.

You've got to realize that the penis and the vagina, the clitoris are made from the exact same biological tissue.

When you're born, everyone forms a female part.

If you have the presence of testosterone, you develop a male part, traditionally a male part.

So what that means is women, dormitorials, get an erection too.

Your clitoris is an entire organ.

So I think I have an example somewhere.

I must have

teachers.

I think it's an entire organ.

You can see this little terrible painting I've done in the background here.

It's got these two folds, two little wavy things on the side, and then just the tips that you know in lovers can play with all the time.

It's a whole organ.

And it takes it a long time to get erect.

Not mine.

So it takes

a minimum of 10 minutes.

Mine takes a few seconds.

Mine takes a few seconds.

Yeah.

It's different for every woman.

We can get into the types of arousal in a minute, but it takes usually 10 to 15 minutes of non-genital stimulation to get it moving, get it erect.

So that is kissing, hugging, a romantic dinner, watching porn, whatever, non-genital stimulation.

And then you move on to 10 to 15 minutes of external vulva stimulation because your clitoris lies underneath your vulva lips.

So by rubbing the lips and paying attention to that whole area before you touch the clitor, go inside, you're going to get that whole organ aroused and erect, which means the entirety of the interior of your vagina is going to change.

It's going to open up to allow the penis.

You're going to get additional lubrication, and it's going to be a much more pleasurable experience because your clitoris isn't quite enlarged.

So you're getting the sensations from both sides.

That's so important for a guy who works.

I don't care how big or small your dick is.

That's what you need to know.

So in other words, like Kat said, you know, heat up the oven and do the work.

Do you teach guys how to do that if they think they're lame in that area?

Yeah, I do.

Once again, it's not a common thing that men are comfortable talking about, which is why I do a lot of one-on-one coaching.

But yeah, I often teach them a big focus of the class is just, or the coaching session is just how to please a woman and how to rewrite the sexual tricks in your head.

That takes years to undo the damage that a lot of, you know, cheap corn industries have created.

Do you want to chime in, Kat?

Okay, so also,

I just, you know, I'm the person and I live alone.

I have a dog, so I'm thinking a lot about my life experiences and analyzing them.

Preheating the oven, like, doesn't like exactly start.

I like how you said it could be a romantic dinner.

Because, like, there have been some guys that I've gone on dates with, and I'm like, wow, that sex was so terrible.

But what made it so terrible was like the guy was not thinking about me at all.

It's like they park too close to the curb because they're too cheap to get valet

you know and it's like inconsiderate things like that like show your lady that you actually you know give a shit yes about her and you know that's like will warm the oven up a lot faster if you're like hang on let me get the door for you let me not park an inch and a half away from the curb and make you feel like you're a giant getting out of the car i think in general for most of us women, and you tell me if you agree with that, Elaine, we start being

turned on even before we get to the bedroom, even before we get to sex, right?

I get turned on, like you said, by little gestures, like if he hugs me in public and kisses me or touches my hair, and I know I'm going to go home with him.

To me, that's foreplay.

You know, anything that I'm doing with him that I really like, like for me, my activities with my guy doesn't matter, but any the things that we do together by the time we get home I'm like oh come here you know so that maybe is a good idea for guys they might be shy about talking about like you know learning oral sex on a woman but like even just like maybe a general like oh this will make ladies like have a better sexual experience with you dating class or something

yeah maybe

maybe okay you guys have touched on two huge things that are also important for male sexuality in a heteronormative sort of situation so i want to hit on those if that's okay okay so uh yeah go ahead go ahead we have a few minutes before i have to take a break go go for it yeah

okay so the first one is that sexual desire is not always spontaneous again that is the exception to the rule if you've read the book come as you are by emily nagoski i believe that's how you say her name come as you are go buy it i don't care what your genitals are if you're sexually attracted to someone with a vulva go read that so discusses a lot in her book about the three types of arousal there's spontaneous which is what a lot of men especially in their early 20s experience where you just randomly you're like

I'm horny it sounds

doesn't happen to a lot of women but it does and then there's contextual

contextual arousal and desire, which means that you are in a sexy place, which is why I work a lot on my clients with creating a beautiful bedroom that turns you on if that's where you want to have sex.

You need the, sometimes you need the candles, you need to have the bathtub, you got to have the whole thing that turns you on.

Set hand on your thigh, whatever turns you on.

And then there's going to be situational

as well.

Situational arousal would be going on that amazing date with a guy who plays with your hair.

You give you those hugs.

It's that one-off arousal.

So usually you're a combination of two of those types of arousal.

But expecting yourself to be spontaneously horny is just not

the general rule.

Awesome.

Oh my god.

That is like so much information.

That's different.

So much sense.

Totally, right?

I mean, like, if you need

a combined effort of like 20 to 30 minutes of worklay on all this clitoris for her to fully be ready, you know what I mean?

A million percent.

We're going to take a two-minute break for my lovely sponsors and we're going to come back with Delaine Turn.

She's a certified sex coach.

Obviously, you know your game.

I have so many more questions than my listeners all over the world, by the way, because I do have listeners in Australia.

If you believe that, I got a question from people in Australia.

So, we'll be right back and we'll try to squeeze in as much knowledge as we possibly can.

This is Cat on the Luz.

Be right back.

This episode of Cat on the Luz is kindly sponsored by Girly Alla Mode.

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And we're talking about podcasts.

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Last but not least, if you guys are in the LA, West Hollywood area, go check out the Burrata house.

I love to eat, I think.

Who doesn't, right?

And this place is like so simple, so so casual and they make the most amazing dishes topped of course with the best burrata

so they have like this amazing paninis

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I hope you guys enjoy it.

Let me know.

Okay, we're back.

Sex talk.

We're learning so much today.

I can't wait to put everything to practice.

We're here with sex coach Elaine Turner.

And during the break, we were talking, and you have a question, right, Kat?

So I think one of your listeners sent a question.

Yeah.

And

that was like,

okay, she's a woman, and she was saying that the more sex she has,

the more frequently she wants to have sex, but like with her boyfriend, it's different.

Like

it's it doesn't seem to impact him like overall and how often he wants to have sex the way it does her if like she's having a lot of sex.

I feel that happening to me for sure.

Like when I wasn't in a relationship, I could go, I would do, I actually did an episode about it called the man diet.

Like, I decided because I was dating a bunch of creepy people, crappy men, la la la.

I said, you know, I'm gonna go on a man diet, I'm gonna focus on me.

And I, I, man, diet basically is going months and months and months without dating and concentrating on yourself.

And then during those months, yeah, I wouldn't even think about sex.

Yeah, and then when I am in a relationship and I'm having this delicious, amazing, fabulous sex, yeah, I want to have sex like every day.

So, yeah, that

does it do something actually like anatomically different for women than it does for men?

Yes.

To put it simply, yes.

It goes differently based on the hormones in your body.

Of course, if you're taking hormone supplements in some way, it's going to change things all around.

That's a bit of a gray area.

But speaking strictly in terms of XX and XY chromosomes, we've got to bring in, of course, the infamous Masters and Johnson.

No, I have not watched the Netflix series.

Masters and Johnson, if you don't know, were like the OG sex researchers and they developed this linear model of sexual desire arousal orgasm.

So it goes from desire

plateau, which is like when you're having the sex orgasm, and then refraction.

So refraction is that period that I believe you were talking about on the break cat, which is where men oftentimes cannot get an erection.

Right, right.

They need a break.

And sometimes,

yeah.

Because their cycle has been completed.

They have to rebuild what's going on in their testicles and rebuild all of that back up, all of those fluids.

With women, what we found more recently, we used to apply that linear model to women where it's start, finish.

That's not the truth.

We have a circular sexual desire arousal system.

So you go from

what's it called, vague stirring.

So something gives you the idea of sex.

Maybe it's that sex you had last night that inspires you or it's sex you just had or something just brushes your glitterist a little bit.

You've got that vague stirring and then you start to get aroused, you get desire, you move more towards the actual sexual pleasure.

You can have the orgasm and then the multiple orgasms if you're one of those people who can do that.

And then

you get to the stage of what's next.

And you are deciding what's sexually relevant in your brain.

And what's next is either falling asleep to or you want more.

Good sex begets more good sex.

Yeah.

Once you train your brain that this is pleasurable, guess what?

You're going to want it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You want to say something else before I ask the question, Kat?

Well, I was just wondering, like, so with women having a more of like a circular sexual arousal, like response system and men's being linear, like, how can couples deal with that?

Hmm.

Well, it just depends.

If you're totally focused on penetration, like we've touched on earlier, then you might be, you know, looking for a dildo or something or a nice vibrator to help get you along.

I mean, that brings up a really interesting topic that a lot of people are afraid to discuss with their partners: masturbation within a relationship.

A lot of, you know, people are uncomfortable with their partner masturbating.

They want to be, they, people feel that they should be solely responsible for their partner's pleasure.

That is your burden to bear.

It's your responsibility.

I think it's such a turn on.

Like, if my guy started masturbating himself in front of me or in the shower or something, I get crazy turned on.

So, yeah, that's an idea.

And another idea is bringing sex toys into the bedroom,

which is taboo for a lot of men.

But I interviewed dozens of women during these two years that I do the podcast.

Every single girl I ever interviewed, they said, bring it on, bring in the bedroom.

It's not competition.

It doesn't mean I don't like your dick.

It's just more fun.

It spices it up.

And the guy, one time I was talking to a couple of my friends, and he was the guy was saying oh I was drunk and I wasn't in the mood to have sex with her but I know she was in the mood so I told her hey honey play with your vibrator and he got so turned on he ended up getting turned on and they ended up having great sex so I think men in general need to get over this taboo normalize bringing sex toys into the bedroom not as a competition to your dick but as an addition something you guys can do together for extra fun right I mean now with all these scientific studies coming out talking about how women's sexual pleasure like thing is circular not linear, it's like one way to keep the woman like on the same wavelength without having to like wear a hole in your dick, right?

Yeah,

exactly.

Well, and also maybe your partner's just happy to watch you masturbate.

Yeah, you shouldn't.

What I wanted to really put weight on there was that you can masturbate within a relationship.

That

totally okay.

You own your own sexual pleasure.

That is your responsibility, not your partner.

I think it's well,

I think it's a nice game that people can play because if you like someone, you want to give them as much pleasure as possible.

But I agree, if one person is tired and the other person is not, there's like 10 million things you can do, you know, to help the other person have pleasure, right?

Yeah, and your partner's pleasure isn't your responsibility.

If you're the only person providing them orgasms and you're having an off week, then, you know, it's not fair to them because you're the only one.

You've said to them that I'm the only one who can give you pleasure.

You may not pleasure yourself.

Don't touch your own body.

And that's

fine.

And there's so much for talk.

Yeah, that's a lot of pressure.

Now, let's touch the subject of anal sex because, of course, every time I tell my listeners I'm going to do an episode about sex we get dozens of questions about anal sex because anal sex is major taboo in some cultures I have said that in the past on the podcast being from Brazil my mom was Brazilian Brazilians are 1 million percent open-minded about anal sex I have no idea why don't ask me why Brazilian men are crazy about fucking the butt they like it some of them like it even more and so it's completely normal like you meet a brazilian couple they have anal sex la la la and I know it's more normal in Europe as well but in the United States in general it's major taboo so the first question we got let's talk about the guys the guys they ask you

I want to have anal sex with my girlfriend my partner whatever how do I approach it without her thinking you know I'm a pervert la la la la la

And a lot of men make this mistake instead of asking or doing whatever you're going to recommend, they just try to like shove it in.

And if a girl never had anal sex, you guys should see her face now, she's like putting the her hand on her head, like, oh no, but men do do that, they're like, Oh, I'm just gonna try.

And listen, if the girl doesn't like it, or if she never had anal sex before, it hurts like hell.

So, what do you tell these guys that want to try anal sex with their partners without hurting them or without scaring them, so to speak?

Do you have any suggestions?

So many,

So, so many.

So, so many.

Okay.

I want to just start with the general rule.

Your anus does not create lubrication of any kind.

If it is creating lubrication, then you should probably go to the bathroom.

You need lubricant before you shove something in there.

Also, that's going to create anal tearing and a really negative experience if you just go shoving your dick and someone does that having complicated cancers.

There are three different types of people I have found when it comes to anal sex.

There is the unicorn who's born ready for it.

I have a friend who had two dicks in his ass the first time he lost his virginity.

And to that I say congratulations here.

Again, the exception, not the rule.

So that's someone born ready for it.

The second kind is someone who takes a little bit of preparation.

You know, that's foreplay, that sensual play, the stretching with some butt plugs, all of that.

And then you have the most common type, which is someone who needs anal training.

Anal training can take days weeks or months based on your own anxieties and how well and how regularly you do the process.

So it isn't something everyone's ready for it needs to be a conversation.

Otherwise if you stick your dick in someone's ass without permission, guess what?

She has permission to stick something in your ass.

But how?

But how you said a conversation, but like a formal conversation or when you're in bed, how do you do this?

Because, you know, most people are embarrassed.

They're going to sit down and say, Honey, you know, I'm thinking about I want to fuck your ass.

How do you do?

No, we were talking about this last night.

Remember, I'm all like, um,

so slip your partner as Xanax and the red blind.

Oh, yeah, that was your idea.

Xanax, I was like, No, I was joking, like, but you obviously can't do that.

It's such like a touchy thing.

It's like you can't just spring that.

Like, I've really been thinking about fucking your ass, yeah.

So, how do you have this conversation?

Let's be honest, a very awkward conversation.

Isn't it better to be in bed?

And if in the heat of the moment you tell your partner if you guys should try it?

I'm going to, I mean, some people, that's going to work.

But first of all, I think and I believe and I teach that all sex conversations happen outside of the bedroom.

If you're in the bedroom, then you have this pressure to make a decision in this moment.

And some things need some reflection.

You need time to think and to breathe about.

But Elaine, sorry, let's be honest.

Sorry to interrupt you.

You are comfortable talking about sex because it's your job.

I am comfortable talking about sex because it's my podcast and that's just how I am.

But most people are not.

Most people are very uptight.

Their parents never talked about sex.

Some people are married for 20 years and talk about sex.

If I would talk about sex to my husband, if I even tried, he would call me a whore, a slut, a la la la la la la.

So for for most people it's easy saying

and I agree with you I'm not disagree it's easy to say oh conversations about sex start outside of the bed for most people are not gonna have the balls to do that what if like y'all watched a movie together that talked about anal

yeah

you were right on the track that I want to go on beautiful so inspire the situation if anal is important to you and you want to have that conversation you don't have to just be sitting there eating your dinner and be like honey I want to shove it in your butt like there's a much more delicate way to do that you can go to an adult store together and be looking at all the options you have in there and be like oh look at all these anal toys what do you think yeah yeah that's a great idea

or have an article up again about that prostate play about anal anatomy and anal pressure which i have a four-part series on my website all about anal play and anal training and how to get prepared for that.

If you have something that's going to initiate the conversation for you by taking off the pressure, you know, let them catch you reading an article about anal play on your phone.

They come.

I think these are, to be honest, honest, I think these are more reasonable ideas.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Like,

because I know it's like some people

really

are just shy.

Yeah.

And,

you know, even within a married couple, they might just be shy.

They're scared of what their partner will be.

Oh, especially married.

Yes, totally.

totally.

It's not easy to, whether you're married or not, like, even if you're dating someone, it's not easy to sit down and say, you know, these are like, this is what intimacy brings with time, right?

This is why I love being in a relationship because I think it's the layers.

Like, you peel the layers and the layers, and you go down deeper, deeper, deeper, more and more.

For me, that's what really turns me on because I want to always know more and more and more about what I can do with my partner, what he wants.

But it's tough to just go, like, you know, say everything you want to do at once.

Yeah, cold turkey.

Raw dog, no lube, that conversation.

Yeah, so now for the girls, a lot of women that never had anal sex, they're afraid of trying.

They want to say yes, but they're like, oh my god, it's gonna hurt so much.

What if I embarrass myself?

There's this whole thing, I don't even want to get in detail about that, but there is the whole fear of hygiene, you know?

Yeah, but also, like how you were saying earlier, how guys will just like try to put it in as a surprise.

It's like every girl in college had that experience and is now.

I did not have that experience in college.

Oh, okay, maybe we had different friends,

but

it's like there's somebody who's just like, oh my god, and then they're like, I will never do that again.

I remember when, like, TJ tried that and thought I wouldn't notice.

I noticed, you know what I'm saying?

This happened to a lot of people.

Oh, we noticed the difference.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, whoops.

I didn't.

Sorry, I forgot which hole.

It's like, yeah, like

if there is one man on this universe that thinks we don't notice the difference,

hello.

Okay, if she doesn't notice, then you should probably

reevaluate what you're doing.

A million percent.

So who you're with.

So if a girl wants to try it and she's afraid, but she wants to, because some women want to.

Do you have any suggestions?

So many.

So I want to point something out.

You don't control everything that happens in your anus.

As much as you wish you had that power, your inner sphincters, they have two main sphincters when it comes to anal play.

The external one, which feels great and you can control it, you can do anal peegles.

But you have the second sphincter, the internal sphincter, that is controlled by your autonomic nervous system, which means if you're scared, that thing is going to plant right up and ain't nothing going going to get in with any kind of pleasure.

So with anal training, which again, we can talk about it or you can read about it on my website, anal training is about self-pleasure, so typical masturbation, and training your brain that inserting and playing with your anus while you're masturbating yourself feels good.

You have to train your brain to not be afraid of anal sex.

If you're afraid of anal sex, it ain't going to go well, honey.

And if there is pain, it's not going to be great.

But there's going to be some kind of pain right if you say if we say it's gonna be painless that's not true

it depends so that's gonna depend on if you're going straight for a seven inch thick you know coke bottle dick or if you're holding

the bottom

um sorry yeah i said you were holding the the vibrator to show the thickness of it yeah don't pick like i mean pick you're not doing with the vibrator so yeah yeah i guess it depends on the partner the level of pain you're gonna feel

and i guess at the level of preparation right

how do you train do you start with a finger

okay so anal training is a pretty simple process so it starts with if you want to douche we can totally talk about anal douching but anal training in general is you need three butt lugs you can totally use your finger you can move up to anal beads as you get more comfortable but it's about if you're a woman or a man stimulate your penis or your vulva and your flitteris as you usually do during sex again so relaxing breathing into the experience get your lube you need lube no one is above lube and you're going to coat your toy or your finger and you know wetter the better it could be dripping from the ceiling amount of lube and you want to slowly play with the external sphincter relax it and then slowly ease ideally a butt plug into your back side A butt plug must have a flared base, otherwise, it's gonna get lost up there, and that's a very uncomfortable hospital.

Oh my, don't turn to it, Jesus.

Yeah, no, there are some cute butt plugs on the

adult

sex toys.

Yeah, yeah.

This is so

sex toy safety.

We'll be here all day.

Oh my god, that has to be a whole other episode.

Yeah, that's smart today to introduce that at the same time you're experiencing a regular orgasm.

So I think,

summary, a lot of it is in the hands of the guy because if the guy is going to try to rush it, chances are the woman is not going to enjoy it.

Even if she allows it, we're not even talking about shoving, like, even she allows it.

She's not going to enjoy it.

She's very likely not going to want to do it again, correct?

So, I think it's like a big responsibility how the guy is going to approach it,

right?

I think it's also a huge responsibility on the woman to train by herself because if you're doing all this anal play with the partner, they're not going to move at the pace you want them to move at because they can't reach your mind.

You need to be doing these things on your own time so you feel comfortable with your mind, not a joint mind.

Makes sense.

Makes a lot of sense.

Now,

do you think that

men really feel a major difference in sensation if they're having vaginal sex and anal sex?

What turns them on so much?

No, but I mean, from talking to people, I don't know your clients.

What is your opinion?

Do they ever tell you why do you think they like it so much?

I always wonder that.

Yeah, we don't have dicks, so we don't know.

Right.

Yeah, I tried asking guy friends.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

There's a couple of factors there.

Um, first of all, it's taboo.

Anything that's that's taboo is sexy and it's a novelty.

That's a huge part of anal play, especially for Americans where, you know, sodomy is still illegal in a lot of places, which is ridiculous.

But it's about the taboo.

The second thing is that men, when they masturbate, have a death grip on their penis, just as tight as humanly possible.

So they feel...

used to that over time because they've been gripping their dick with the fury of a thousand since they were 12.

And so when they put it into a vagina, unless you're doing your keebles all the time every day, you're not going to be able to be that tight versus your anus is tighter and also infinitely expansive.

So, not only can your dick feel nice and snug, but you can stay ticked about anything you can dream of up there.

Oh my God, that makes so much sense.

You guys should see Kat's face right now.

I'm just gonna say, You look like you have 10 million questions.

Like, with the nice grips in search 12, it's like, hey, that does put a new perspective on it.

I love the advice that you gave to girls that want to try it out.

Start trying it out on your own body.

Buy a little bug plug or buy like a skinnier vibrator if you think it turns you on.

It's a really fine when you're doing irregular, you know, so the brain, because I mean, I guess everyone knows you have one sphincter, but like whenever you just said there's two, I'm like, oh.

Should there's two.

That makes a lot of sense.

And I have asked, believe it or not, you know,

guys that I interviewed, and I have a lot of male friends.

They're married.

And a lot of my guy friends tell me that they have a very different sensation when they're having sex.

You know, they're sorry, fucking a vagina.

I don't know how to talk like a proper expert.

I apologize.

I have a dirty mouth.

How they're fucking the vagina.

They're fucking the ass.

A lot of guys say, no, the feeling is so different.

I like it.

And like you said, the psychological,

they feel in power because, like you said, the sodomy, they like feeling, especially type A personality guys that want to be in charge in bed.

They feel like even more powerful.

Because I think

you girls, tell me if you agree.

It's very vulnerable for a woman, right, to surrender.

Yeah, I think

some guys have told me that they like the fact that it makes them feel more dominant than

I mean,

and also the novelty factor, the taboo factor.

A million percent.

I have another question, but maybe it should be a different episode.

No, go for it.

It's quizzing.

We have a few more minutes.

Okay, so another thing, whenever you said taboos, it reminded me.

So, there are so many taboos in American culture.

I feel like one of them is bringing in another girl to bed.

Like, so many guys are-threesomes, yeah.

So many guys, like, they think they want to threesome, or they do want to threesome, and then it's like, okay, so you're like, all right, let's do this.

And then, what is your

experience as an expert, and like within the relationship dynamic?

How do

threesomes change it?

Has it been positive for couples in your observation negative to bring in like a third party for sexual gratification?

okay you asked a very big area a very big big

question so i'm gonna say that there is kind of a rule here um of course it's never a true rule it's always a generalization but the couples who talk about everything beforehand play with that fantasy explore that fantasy long before it happens they're gonna be set up for a good time versus the couple who where you said you would like you know let them in you let them have another partner in the bedroom you let them do that if you have that perspective, oh, it's not going to go very well.

If you feel like you're giving into your partner to have a freestyle, rather than being an enthusiastic participant, it ain't going to go well.

You have to

figure out what your partner wants from it.

Maybe he just wants to watch you fuck another woman, right?

Which is what you're talking about.

Most guys are women.

Yeah.

Most guys really want to see the two girls together.

I mean, because there's only one dick.

Like, let's be real.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think I did interview people about this subject before.

I think it's very particular to each couple.

Each couple.

Yeah.

Like, that's an it.

I like how you put that.

It's like, if your point of view is that you're giving into something that only your partner wants, then you probably should not do it.

Yeah.

I have to like.

Like anything, right?

Like Carl Sex, like threesome.

You should do something that's going to be fun for both of you.

Yeah, like make it a joint venture, not like, oh, he really wanted this, so yeah.

Or you feel like you have to do it to keep him happy or whatever.

A million percent.

I totally agree.

Sex, just like dating in a relationship, is all about authenticity.

If you are communicating in a way that it is hiding something or not expressing what you want or getting into them, guess what?

It's not pretty good signs.

If you want to have the best sex of your life, have an honest fucking conversation.

Yes.

Yes.

Communication, communication talk about it talk about talk it in the bedroom talk it in the shower have a glass of wine whatever i agree i think it's

about it you can email about it it doesn't have to be face-to-face if you're uncomfortable if you aren't that kind of communicator do it another way you gotta have the conversation and it just is whatever works for you yes and i'm gonna say one thing if you are withholding something that you really want to do with your partner because you're embarrassed you're missing out because the best part of having great sex is telling your partner what you want guess what maybe they want the same thing or maybe they're game for trying something new and different right

absolutely just telling people what you want is going to just create this beautiful honesty dynamic that is going to carry on wrap your entire relationship sex informs the relationship it's a solid basis Absolutely.

And I also like what you said earlier about it's all like, okay, how are you going to introduce that a whole honey?

I want to put it in your ass conversation.

Introducing like a catalyst, like being in a situation where it's like, oh, there's something that will spark that conversation naturally, so you don't seem like totally, you know, a deranged pervert.

And we're not talking in this, this is a fabulous idea.

Not, we're not just saying for anal sex, but like if there is anything else you want to do, if you want to bring food into the bed, if you want to tie, that's a whole other episode, tying people, like tying your partner in bed or blinding, folding their eyes.

So many women and guys have this fantasy that they never bring to reality because they think their partner is going to be against it.

But you might be in for a shock because it could be fun, right?

So, yeah, approach it

watching a movie, you know, like some kind of catalyst or like have the article up already.

Make it natural.

Yes, go for it.

Elaine, this was so much fun.

I can't believe we're already like out of time.

It's been an hour already.

Oh my gosh.

I still have like 50 trillion to view.

I know.

I know.

We're going to have to do another episode.

I have like

more than 10 other questions that people sent.

So, guys, I'm going to invite her back because she really knows her game.

So, if you have any more questions about sex, this is what I always say.

This is like an open conversation.

We are all learning.

We are all curious about it.

We all want to improve our sex lives.

If you don't, it's about time you do because you're missing out.

Sex is good for health, right?

So, send your questions, and we'll definitely schedule another date and do a second episode with you.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thanks so much.

All the way from the land, all the way from the land down under.

This was Cat on the Loose Cat Square today with my bestie, Cat with a C and Elaine Turner.

If you guys can find her on Instagram, Sex with Elaine, right?

Is your insta?

Yep, Sex with Elaine.

Sex with Elaine.

So, if you guys want to find out more about her, check it out.

Send her a message.

Do you do like video consultations?

You probably do, right?

Yeah, I do one-on-one coaching mostly.

I also do free group classes in person and online.

You, with working one-on-one, if you don't want your video on, I don't care.

You don't have to have your video on if you want to remain anonymous.

There you go.

Actually, it helps foster a conversation.

Awesome.

Thank you so much, Elaine.

And we'll talk to you soon.

Many kisses to Australia.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll talk to you guys soon.

Thank you, Kat, for participating.

Love you.

Yeah, I had lots of questions.

We'll do another one for sure.

Bye, guys.

See you soon.

Kisses, kisses, kisses.

Go have sex.

Go have sex.

Go have sex.