Dr Cheyenne Bryant - BODY IMAGE & SELF ESTEEM ISSUES

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Hi, guys.

Hi, everyone.

Happy Wednesday.

This is an unusual episode of Cat on the Loose because it's not Tuesday, it's not Friday, it's Wednesday.

But it's because of a very good reason.

I have an incredibly special guest with me this morning, Dr.

Cheyenne Bryant.

She's a psychologist expert.

She's a life coach.

She's the MTV life coach on the show that most people have watched, Team Mom.

Hi, good morning, Dr.

Bryant.

Good morning, Kat, and thank you for having me.

I'm excited.

Thank you.

I can't wait to dialogue with you.

Yes, thank you so much for being here.

And for you guys that listen to all our episodes, I have my bestie here with me, Kat with the Say So today's Kat Square here.

Hi, Kat.

Good morning.

So, Dr.

Bryant, I got a lot of questions for you when my listeners found out that you were going to be here.

I decided to start with a topic that I never talked about before, and because you have so much experience in this area, and it's something really, really huge right now.

And I think it's affecting, let's talk, I know it affects men and women, but today I want to talk specifically about us women.

It affects probably most women in the world today.

Self-esteem.

In this era of social media, Instagram posts, Zoom calls,

I get

dozens and dozens of messages from women all ages talking about about it.

Oh my god, I am so depressed.

I am comparing myself with other girls out there.

My pictures don't look as good.

La la la la la.

These celebrities with this impossible

to copy bodies, right?

So, I guess the first question is: like, overall,

how do we deal with this pressure?

Is there some kind of a solution for it?

Yeah, such a great question and concern, right, from your listeners and yourself, and everyone else, I would say.

So, what happens is when folks get into a place of having low self-esteem, it's usually because they have started to already have lost a sense of self, right?

A sense of who they are.

And that's why they're seeking outside of self

in other people to find things about things outside of them that

they feel could be better than who they are, better than what they have going on.

And, you know,

one of the biggest detriments to a person is

comparison, comparing yourself to other people.

Why is that, right?

Why is that such a detriment?

Because

a few things.

You'll never be someone else.

One,

two, I always say that you are made exactly how you need to be for you to receive the blessings that are meant for you and for you to attract the audience, whether that audience be just friends, family, husband, wife, partner, right?

You can't attract what's yours when you're in somebody else's face, mindset, body, or frame.

It doesn't work like that at all.

Now, I'm not talking about people who go and get some,

you know, cosmetic surgery, breast augmentation, butt augmentation.

I'm not saying that those folks are being someone else.

They're augmenting their own body.

Now, when you get to a place of psychologically having the desire to become something other than what you are, even if it's something such as think differently than than you think, right?

Feel differently than you feel.

I want to be able to be strong like him or her and be able to

be in a relationship this way or break up with my partner in this way.

You're still coming out of who you were created to be.

The reason why you're created to be who you are and the reason why you're perfect in that

frame is because you're already equipped with what you need for the journey that you're going to start to become on or the journey that you're on.

God doesn't give you anything that he doesn't equip you with.

He won't give you an empty field and say build a home and won't give you tools and the proper material to build a proper home.

It doesn't happen like that.

He said, that's just not how it works.

Things come what I call equally yoked and imbalanced, right?

If God gives you the home, he's going to give you the ability to sustain the home.

If he gives you the yard, he will give you the ability to plant the seeds and harvest the seeds that are planted.

So that's why it's important.

And I know we got to wrap up on this question.

We We have probably so many questions, but that's why it's important.

I really want everyone to hear this because this is serious.

To really be in your own sense of self.

Be solid in that.

I want you to show up in that and be confident on steroids and who you are.

And then watch.

Watch the blessing that pour in when you start to stand in your power.

Because the only thing that stops what you want is you standing and who the heck you are.

Yes.

Yeah.

I love what you said.

Yeah.

But,

and I agree, but I always have this conversation with my my best friend, Kat.

She's never on camera because we're protecting her privacy.

But

she looks like a supermodel.

Like, literally, she's like every girl, you know, we dream of having her body.

She's so tall.

She's perfect.

She's perfect.

She's like something out of a magazine.

And she

like me, Kat.

Yeah.

Exactly.

And I look at her.

I'm like, oh, my God, if I were tall like you, if I could only be thin like you.

But she has major, major self-esteem issues.

Like, oh, I stopped doing social media because I'm comparing my body with other girls' bodies.

I can't believe it.

So, if she, even she feels that way, I know it's easier said than done, but how do we tell girls out there like Kat and like so many women out there?

Like, like you said, get over it.

You need to love yourself and

stop comparing yourself to other women.

But how do we get that through their head?

I guess that's the

thing, but

is there like a tool or like maybe a phrase or something?

Because cat with a K is really good at this, and it's really refreshing for, you know, to be around someone that's all like, okay, like, who can appreciate like, you know, other women, but is still like very confident in herself, you know?

But I mean, for me, I'll be like, okay, I could work out like 30 hours a day and never look like this.

Or, you know, it's just weird.

It's a weird thing.

So I'd like delete it.

Is there a magical solution?

Yeah, dude.

Is there some kind of thing?

I just deleted it because I'm like, if my mind is going to, I'm not going to get back on there till I can master it.

So I love this question because I always say words don't teach, right?

Experience does.

And so I love that you're saying, okay, Dr.

B, we hear you telling us verbally, right, what it feels like, what it looks like, but we need practicality.

How do we apply it?

Because I always say knowledge is not power.

The application is knowledge.

So, cat and cat.

Here you go.

The number one way to shift and reprogram anything within yourself is to get around somebody else in an environment that is doing that, which you desire to do.

Now, there's a thin line because when you get it around that person or that environment, you don't want to take your comparison mindset and get in that room around that person and start to compare again.

And it works as an impairment towards you, right?

You want to get around that person in that room and you want to mimic what they do, mimic how they speak while incorporating it in who you are.

For example,

I too, you know, work out often and have, you know, pretty, nice body that I'm really, really happy with.

And years, I mean, years ago, I used to, my little sister, she has a very thick frame.

I'm much smaller.

She's much thicker.

And she would just put a bikini on and walk around the pool and just go.

And I, here I would go with this petite body, and I would cover up or be weird and be uncomfortable.

And she would, and she would say, sis, if I had your body, I would wear every skin.

It's kind of like me and Kat.

Exactly.

Yes.

And I used to say, oh my God, like, I'm trying to get there.

And I remember praying on it, like, God, I don't like like being like, I want to have a freedom, right?

It was more about a freedom of who I am.

And I remember watching her, literally watching my little sister all the time, summer after summer, day after day, vacation after vacation, just strut in this bikini and give zero cares.

And I started to mimic her.

I started to just mimic what she would do.

And she would say, sis, this is my body.

I can't change it.

I can lose a little weight.

I can, you know, switch it up, but this is just who I am.

And she said, when I accepted that, I don't care what anyone thinks.

And when I, when I took on her mindset, this is a true story.

I now wear my bikinis.

I wear my thong bikinis on vacation around my pool.

And let me tell you what happens when you start to do something.

The more you do, the more you will do.

The more you do bad stuff, the more you do bad stuff, the more you do good stuff.

So, for me, the more that I started to wear my bathing suit, my bikini, and you know, my outfits, and feel really good about my body and the size, I became naturally on accident confident.

I started to forget that I'm running around the house in my bathing suit, and I started to really forget that people were looking at me.

And that helps.

So, get around folks who are doing things that look empowering to to you that you don't compare yourself to, but you say, okay,

if I could think or feel like that and mix it and blend it with who I really am, then I probably can have that same empowerment.

And how you measure it is you try that, not compare it.

You steal their behaviors, you steal the way they're thinking, and you go, okay, how do I feel now after about a week or two?

Is it working for me?

And my little sister's mindset works for me.

So here I am, it's confident in the body that I have.

And I feel free.

free.

And it's interesting that you said that because that's what happened in my life.

I grew up in the worst industry in the world, right?

Modeling, acting, la la la.

When I was a kid, I've been much skinnier than I am today.

Like, cat sees my body.

I'm not in the most perfect shape,

but I got to the point.

I'm like, you know what?

I'm going to rock what I have.

I'm going to, the older I get, the sexier clothes I'm going to wear.

I'm going to put the sexiest bathing suit on the beach.

I don't care.

And I never felt better.

Like, I never felt hotter.

I am finally with somebody that loves my body, every little piece of me, defects or not, perfect body or not.

And then, of course, like your sister does, I go to the beach, I'm like, I don't care.

If people want to look for me, go for it.

And I do, and I take my sexy pictures, and it's empowering, right?

But a lot of girls, and like Kat is not a teenager, but I can only imagine the pressure of younger girls.

And I know you coached teenagers,

but we were talking about this morning.

We are adults in the era of social media.

We didn't have social media growing up.

Imagine these girls

are so like young, impressionable.

Yeah, like they're growing up, they're literally starting their teenage years, or like even worse, like when you're 18, 19, 20, right?

You're not really an adult, but you're not really a kid anymore.

And you're in this, and everybody's judging you.

Girls can be so mean in school and i know so many girls suffer like hell

what do you say to this age group if if my younger audience is listening and i know you have such a younger audience out there how do they cope with peer pressure and body image and all this chaos

Yeah, so you know, another good question.

There's some things are just age appropriate.

Some things are a part of puberty.

It is a part of growth.

some things you need to experience i always say contrast is something we don't like but contrast is our best friend because what contrast does is widens the world to destruction narrows the world to happiness and joy so contrasts right as we're young we're why we're trying to figure out who we are what do we like what do we don't like what works for us what doesn't and that's contrast that helps us say i don't like that i don't like that

that is such a powerful thing that you just said yeah yeah people need to figure out what they like and what they don't like.

Absolutely.

That's yeah.

And as you start to

see things, right, in folks that you do love and that you don't like, you want to borrow the things that you love.

If they work, then you keep them, right?

You don't return them.

Sorry.

But if you don't like it, then you give it back or you just leave it away and let it dissipate.

And that's a really important.

But I do want young girls and guys to understand that.

There is an age appropriateness in your adolescent years where you will compare yourself to people.

When it becomes unhealthy, it's when you start to want to become like them at the deficit of yourself.

Comparison at a young age is okay.

And it's healthy if you say, oh, gosh, I love the way she,

you know,

works out.

I love the way she's an athlete.

I love the way she shows up.

I love the way she has confidence.

I want that confidence because I don't have it.

That's healthy.

I love the way she does it.

How come she can have the confidence?

I can't.

What's wrong with me?

Am I not as pretty am i not as good looking am i stupid am i dumb very unhealthy so it's the self-talk that becomes unhealthy not the comparison of seeing things because still as a as an adult woman who's very successful in my career and in my world i see women because i'm i don't have a family or husband yet and that's something i aspire to have and i see women with families and husbands i even have girlfriends and i'm looking at them and i'm comparing going god i love the way her and her husband interact like i i start to think and say i i can't wait to act like that with my husband.

See that healthy comparison of like

more like inspiration.

Right?

As opposed to like a competition.

There's a big difference, right?

Like, whenever I was young, and like maybe like y'all can relate to this too, like when you're young and you're in puberty, like you're, for me at least, I was like very curious about things.

Like curious, like, oh, I want to try this style that like I maybe see in another girl.

So it's part of like curiosity, figuring out, like, what like your style is, what you feel comfortable in, kind of trying it on, totally.

But I think the problem now,

like, we keep going back to social media, but social media is so huge for everyone.

I think, and I get messages every single day from women, all ages, even older women.

Like I said, they look at the celebrities.

Let's give the most obvious example, the Kardashians.

They have hundreds of millions of followers.

They have the power to send any message they want, and then she goes and, like, oh, look at my teeny tiny waist, and look at my ab, and I spend thousands of dollars on this ab treatment, and I spend hundreds of thousands.

Like, let's be honest, unless you're like a gazillionaire, you're not gonna spend it, you're not gonna do it.

We are more, we're humans, right?

Normal people, most of us, we don't have this unlimited budget.

So, for a lot of girls, looking like you said, yeah, for some women, it's like, okay, great, it's inspiration.

But for a lot of women, they're like, oh, I'm never going to look like that, you know?

Yeah.

Very disempowering.

Yeah.

And I think that too.

So, you know,

a lot of that stuff is

business.

And the part that becomes sad, Kat, and Kat, is that.

You're correct when you're on the outside looking in regardless of what age you are if you're not industry privy if you're not business privy of social media and of branding and marketing Then you start to believe this is their reality Now, I'm not saying that cardiasians don't really have work done.

They don't really have this body.

They're not really gorgeous women.

What I'm saying is what they promote is for business, marketing, and monetary gain.

Folks on the outside don't see it as that.

They're trying to attain an unrealistic goal.

And I get that.

And that's the part where that self, that strong internal locus, that strong self-talk of saying, wait a minute, like I love my skin and I'm going to love where I'm at while I'm on my way to where I'm trying to get.

And the more that you do it with yourself, it happens similar to how you describe you in your relationship.

People start to accept you at the level that you accept yourself.

So as you start to give a care, people start to also accept you.

They can only accept you at the level that you accept yourself because we can only give who we are.

And watch this, we can only receive.

who we are.

If we fill our cup up only halfway, guess what?

People's poor can only be that same measurement.

But if we top ourselves off with this really intense confidence that is not arrogance externally but it almost feels like arrogance inside okay inside's okay not outside then people and things and experiences will always top your cup up because guess what you come fill so if they forget to feel you you're already topped off and it is our responsibility individually to say whatever I want to have at that party, whatever I want to have at that, that in that meeting or in this relationship, I have to bring it because it's my responsibility to make sure I'm okay, I am good.

And the beauty is whatever I bring, guess what, Kat?

If you're in that room, you and Kat and Kat, you get to share what I bring.

But if what I bring is not good, you get to share that too.

So we have to be mindful of what we bring and what the people around us have in their cup because I am a recipient of your cup.

And if your cup is not full on good stuff, that bad stuff trickles down on me as well.

Yeah, totally.

I my dream with all my work, my entire career, is that every woman on the planet feels good about their body, about their self-image.

Stop comparing, like you said, I think it's all about being inspired.

But I look at women every day that inspire me in different ways.

I look at Kat and she inspires me on a million things.

I look at your work, and I'm like, oh my god, look at her, she's so gorgeous and so talented.

What kills me is when women start comparing themselves and thinking, like, and you do that a lot, cat.

She canceled her Instagram account because she was like, I cannot handle the pressure of looking at so many stuff right there.

And I know a lot of girls send the same message.

I cannot handle it.

Oh my god, what am I gonna do?

So, if somebody gets to this point that they are comparing too much

yourself to other women instead of getting inspired by other women.

I know we're asking you these really tough questions, but is there like a click?

How do you tell them like, stop it, stop it?

Well, so this is the magical part.

No one can tell them anything.

It's an inside job.

It's an inside job.

And it's also a choice.

So Cat with the C has to choose to say, you know what?

I am going to proactively show up in these ways, action, action, action, that are going to contribute to my self-esteem and my empowerment.

So, what does that mean?

Like right now, if I give Kat and I will, and everyone else listening, tools on what action looks like, right?

So, every morning that I wake up, Kat, you're home.

You're going to do these three tools.

You're going to refer to yourself.

I love myself.

I'm perfect just the way I am.

I am awesome, sauce, and I'm going to totally kill this day.

I'm going to get compliments all day long.

I'm going to compliment myself.

That is your daily affirmation.

When you wake up, anything that you do that goes against your confidence, you're going to do the exact opposite every single day.

And you have to commit to that.

The third thing is you're going to choose something daily, daily that puts you in a flooding space.

of feeling completely insecure and completely uncomfortable.

Every single day, you have to do one thing on your list that makes you feel insecure, uncomfortable, like scrolling through or wearing a bikini or going out to the or walking around the grocery store, whatever that looks like with the tank top on, something where you feel completely, oh my God, they're looking at me, I'm uncomfortable, and you have to do it for a minimum of one hour a day.

Now, if you do all three of these things every day, which is called homework, and I love my clients' homework, and I always say, if you do the work, it 100%, not 99%, 100% works.

The problem comes when we don't do the work, but we keep complaining about the problem.

I believe in manifestation big time,

and I talked about it.

It has like really helped.

Yeah.

I mean, I read the book, The Four Agreements.

It was really good.

I was like, totally.

Have you read it, Doctor?

The Four Agreements.

I have not read it.

I mean, like,

it really helps.

Like, it helped me change my mindset on a lot of

everything.

I think looking in the mirror and manifesting every day is a great exercise.

I try to do that every day.

And I think that's for men and women out there listening to us because guys have self-esteem issues as well, a lot of different things.

But I think if you look at yourself, and like you know, I am capable, I am beautiful, I am powerful, I am strong, whatever it is that you think you need to be, the more you say it, you start believing it, right?

And it's all about I believe in energy and I believe in manifestation, and I'm telling you, it changed my life.

Like, I really

said earlier, doctor, where you were like, you have everything you need inside of you already to like fulfill what you're supposed to fulfill.

Like, you, it's like, this stop looking outside, start looking on the inside.

I love that.

So, yeah, so here's the thing.

The reason why people get discouraged by affirmations is because they do only that.

They affirm it, they affirm it, they affirm it.

Yes, that is 50% of it.

Once you say it, you speak life into it.

Power and energy comes into everything you say, good or bad.

So be very mindful of it.

However, the second half of it, you got to show up in your idea of what you just said looks like.

So, for example, when I go speak at an event or when I just trained the LAPD a couple weeks ago, and in my mind, I'm going, okay, what would confident, strong, and firm look like when I'm speaking?

Right?

Because I'm confident.

I'm killing this training.

They are getting, they are picking up what I'm putting down.

They're inspired.

These people are loving my training.

So what do I have to look like to deliver that?

And exactly what that looks like is how I showed up in front of that room.

It's how I showed up while I was presenting.

I showed up strong and I showed up confident.

I showed up loving.

I showed up humbled.

But I had to first create in my mind, right, Kat, what does a confident woman look like?

This is why I said, if you get around people who look the confidence you want, they can give you a vision of what it looks like.

Once you have the vision, the objects of what it looks like, you start to run that same play.

You show up in what you see.

You show up in that.

So one thing is to affirm the other piece is every day you wake up and you're back, you're a little taller, right?

Your backbone is a little structured and your confidence has to show up in how you show up in the room.

Even if you feel like, why do I feel like I look stupid?

You don't.

You look confident.

Keep wearing that coat.

Keep wearing that play.

I love this.

I came up with a really simple idea.

And I don't know what you think about it, but it worked for me.

Like if you have what I did in my life, I filtered.

For example, if I had a friendship or any kind of relationship that I thought was being harmful to me in any way, physically or mentally, I just deleted the person from my life.

I'm like, I filtered and filtered and filtered.

I'm like, I prefer to live in a much smaller world filled with positivity.

Like the few women I have around me, I adore them and they inspire me as opposed to feeling like, oh, she's a friend of me and she's an asshole.

You know what I mean?

So for me, it worked.

And I tell girls when they send me this message do the same thing with your social media why would you follow accounts that make you feel bad you should pick a few people that really inspire you mentally physically emotionally and then you follow only those women those men whatever it is and get rid of anything it doesn't matter what it is if you look at something that makes you feel worse

Like even if it's a celebrity, why are you gonna follow celebrities?

You should follow celebrities that inspire you.

Why are you going to follow anybody that makes you feel worse than what you should feel?

I think that's a simple but effective idea.

It is extremely effective.

And Kat, you must be a Virgo.

I'm not a Virgo.

Okay, I'm a Virgo essentially.

I'm a Pisces.

We were saying my mom was a Virgo.

She would have turned 72 this next Sunday.

She passed away awfully young.

Happy early birthday.

But I'm not a Virgo, but I'm telling you, all these things I learned, you're not going to believe that from doing this podcast for two years.

Yeah, because you're saying something that's extremely effective.

And it is, you know, you have to be willing to prune people.

Listen, you know, if it's not fruitful and it's not multiplying, then it can be pruned.

Cut it off.

Is that a Virgo thing?

What was that?

Is that a Virgo thing?

Because, yeah, I do that too.

And like earlier, Tap was all like, you have to be, your ascendant has to be Virgo.

And I'm like, it is.

Are you a Virgo doctor?

I'm Virgo.

I'm coming up in verse 6.

And one thing, my best friend who is in Aries, um, always all my best friends, Aries, always says about me.

She's like, One thing about you, Shai, you protect the hell out of your peace.

She said, Because you will cut something off, you will pull back, you will distance yourself.

And you, I am, listen, I am very bold in that.

I am not afraid, I don't hide behind if it's not peaceful for me.

Now, I'm not going to say if it doesn't work for me, because I am willing to,

you know, openly work with you if I love you and you're my friend and and you're my village.

But what you won't do is come in and impede or trump on my peace of mind.

Amen.

Learn how to say no.

Learn how to say no, guys.

It's very powerful.

Yeah.

I used to be like the worst.

This is not going to work.

Yeah.

I used to be the worst pushover in the world and I'm slowly learning how to say no and set boundaries.

We are going to take a two-minute break really quickly for my lovely sponsors and we'll be right back with Dr.

Brian.

Time goes by so fast when we're talking about fun, important things, right?

This is like such an important subject.

I am so happy we're talking about it.

We'll be right back, guys.

This is Cat on the Luz for you on Wednesday with Dr.

Brian.

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Okay, we are back with Dr.

Shane Bryant, my special guest, and my bestie cat with a say hi cat.

Hi, Dr.

Bryant.

This is such an important episode because many of my episodes we talk about fun things, sex, day-to-day relationship, but now today we're talking about things that really affect our lives.

I know you guys send me a million more questions for Dr.

Bryant.

I'm not going to have time to tap into everything.

A lot of girls send me questions to you about like people in unhappy relationships.

La la la.

maybe we're gonna have to do another episode because this theme is so rich, and there are a few more questions about that.

So, let's just continue and include as much of the questions as I possibly can.

So, this morning, kind of on the same theme of self-esteem, coincidentally, as I was planning the episode, I was watching the Today Show and I was just telling Kat, and I couldn't believe my eyes.

You girls, tell me if you agree with me or not.

Okay, complete, complete honest, because this is like a 100% honest conversation.

This

whatever expert, lifestyle expert, was saying that now there's a huge hike in plastic surgery, like women are going nuts doing facelifts, lip fillers, boob jobs, la la la.

And then, this is the explanation she gave.

She's like, oh, yeah, because the pandemia, everybody started doing Zoom calls and they're looking at themselves on the screen, and then they like look in the mirror and they're like, I don't look good enough, and la la la la, and I'm going to work on my body.

And then she's like, oh, and a lot of people have this extra money because they didn't travel during the pandemic.

So they're getting this money and investing on their body.

And I looked at it and then I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop it.

Because to me,

I saw so many red flags on this conversation that I couldn't even believe like the host on the traditional was like, oh, that is so great.

So what is the number one procedure?

And then I'm like, isn't anybody going to say, wait a minute, stop it.

Are you really going to the doctor and getting plastic surgery because you don't like the way you look in Zoom calls?

I mean, to me, and if you guys disagree, I'm not saying anything wrong with plastic surgery, okay?

Number one, I think you should do anything you want that makes you feel better about yourself.

So that's number one, because I know I'm going to get messages from people that, but my point is,

if you are doing it because you're looking at yourself at like zoom calls and you're like oh I gotta go and fix my entire body because I don't like the way I look to me that's a self-esteem problem do you agree girls doctor first yeah yeah I so I think it it goes deeper

and this is the deal so as body dysmorphia goes up that's really what it is right as body dysmorphia goes up which is self-esteem and self-worth and all that stuff starts to decline

then relationships go down so you got body dysmorphia relationships go down folks are starting to try to be perfect and anything perfect remember this is dehumanized so the more perfect you become right the more robotic you become the less human you are now relationships operate off of human

not off a robotic what does that mean that if you can't show up in a place that is who you are then you are showing up in a robotic space that's very unhuman, dehumanized.

There's no emotion.

so as folks start to um do this whole and it's not cosmetic surgery it's more of like you were saying they are trying to come out of who they are to be perfect relationships are declining divorce rates going up the relationship with themselves is declining what does that mean that depression is at an all-time high suicide is at an all-time high suicide is now at an all-time high in communities where it was never even prevalent i.e suicide used to be and i'm not saying and I also don't like this, but it used to be a white thing.

Suicide has now become a black thing.

Suicide was high in

white communities,

and now it's high in communities where it didn't used to be white because of what you're saying, Kat.

Folks are starting to become so unhappy with who they are.

Hold on, in their appearance, right?

That it's

up internally because externally they're dying and they're miserable.

How do is there, I know it's maybe it's an absurd question, but how do you fix it?

Is there like a quick fix?

So there's no quick fix, and this is why I am a huge advocate for life coaching and therapy being a lifestyle.

I am in this folk for 15 years as a doctor of psychology, and I have a therapist.

I have a coach that I go to once a month for the rest of my life.

I will go.

And God forbid, my coach and therapist dies.

I'm going to find a new one and keep going.

This is the thing.

It's not an overnight fix, but can it be fixed?

Absolutely.

But people have to draw back into self and pull back their external bait and bait themselves.

It's a self-love thing,

Kat.

It's a self-love thing.

It's, okay, what can I find about myself that I can really love?

Not what can I find in cat and cat that I can love.

It goes, what can I find in me first that I can love?

And then guess what?

As I love the hell out of myself, I can love the hell out of you two ladies and everyone else I come across with.

But until I can do that, I am also loving you through a mask.

If I mask myself, I'm damn sure masking our relationship.

So anyone who's having those issues with themselves and picking themselves apart, they're doing it with you and your relationship mentally and internally.

Just because we're not speaking on it.

And this is why it's important.

Let me tell you how we can help each other as women and men out there too, but as women, We have to start to empower each other verbally every freaking chance that we get.

And then we have to start to receive it when we get it from women.

So if I cat, oh my God, like you look gorgeous right now.

Like I'm loving the way you're looking on Zoom.

You have to be able to say, girl, thank you.

Thank you.

And I'm just like, no, you know, you don't like the way I look and I can't stand this.

That is self-talk that will always demise you.

You have to go and say, you know what?

I do look gorgeous.

If y'all can be said it, then I am a rock star.

And so, like, in my home, it's my mother and I and family, but my mom and I, I know we run around all day long and we compliment each other all day long or we say it loud.

I'm amazing.

My mom will say, yes, you are.

That's my baby.

Or I would yell across the room like, mom, you look so gorgeous right now.

And she's going to be, baby.

But all day long, we empower each other.

And one more tip on that, Kat.

And then, you know, you can move on if you want to.

Every day, I want everyone to do this because it's life-changing.

Every single day, you wake up and you find and choose a person that you are going to empower the way that you want to be empowered.

But this is the key thing.

It's the way you want to be empowered.

And so when I compliment women, I know that I make eye contacts.

I want them to know that I see them because that's how I want to be complimented.

And I pick something I really love about them.

Like, like, I really love your blonde hair.

I just do.

I just took out braids that had blonde in it.

So I would say, like, Kat, like, I love your blonde hair.

Like, I love the way it looks on you.

Your hair looks thick and healthy right now.

Like, girl, I love that.

get and we were talking about like oh this morning was so rushed and i came with my workout clothes i didn't have time to do makeup or whatever let's rock and roll i'm like girl you're hair to me

but yeah this is a really simple but so effective idea so yeah i'm gonna put it out there i started doing that because i read it somewhere like when i go out and about in the world if i see a girl with a pretty outfit or pretty earrings or the gorgeous nails like your nails now i'm noticing your nails i'm like i tell them

because I think that little thing can change their day.

Like, oh my god, you look so great in pink.

Like you said, oh, look at your hair.

Oh, and many times they don't expect it.

I notice that most people are not used to, and they're like, oh, thank you.

You know, like they can be having like a crazy, boring day.

And if you like, just spread out, I think it's kind of like a chain of positive change.

A chain of like joy.

Yeah.

Spread because my mom, over the pandemic, she's like, what do you want to to do with your life?

And I'm like, I don't know.

I just want to spread joy.

And she's like, okay, something where you can make money, hopefully, someday.

I'm like, I just want to spread joy, ma.

But that is like a really good thing.

And that's not a bad way to make money, Kat, because you know the quickest way to wealth is through service.

And if you can serve everybody through an act of joy, you might be...

Pretty close to getting wealthy, maybe a lot quicker than the folks who can't do it.

Yes.

So just so you know, that's not a bad idea.

I don't keep that idea.

I will tell my mom.

Yes.

Spreading joy can't, it's just kind of the right way.

I'm doing interior decorating.

But yes, I think as women, honestly, it breaks my heart when I see women competing with each other.

Like they see each other as competition in any field.

Like in my field, I tried inviting other podcasters and they decline it like because they think, and I say, I'm not your, there's room for everybody, there is room for a million coaches, a million models, a million podcasters, a million actors, a million artists.

If we join forces, we are so much stronger.

And I think, like I said, it's such a much better example for the teenagers, the next generation coming in.

If we tell them, stop like with the peer pressure, stop calling the other one fatter, stop calling the other one thinner.

Like you just gave examples, talk about their hair and how much you love them or how much they dress great and be inspirational.

I think if we start sending this message more,

I know it's kind of like utopian, but honestly, the world would be such a much better place, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And then the other thing is if we start to

make sure that we do all those things within ourselves and we learn not to personalize what other people do because it's their stuff, that's another really important thing.

And we are no longer affected about the external sources and external, you know, should I say, words and voices because we're really grounded.

The more grounded you get in yourself, the less you care about what's going on outside of you.

You still care about people.

It's a really deep balance of I care about you, but I can care less what you think about me.

And that's powerful and that's freedom.

So the more that you ground in you, right?

You're grounded and aligned with you,

you are a sturdy oak.

So you become, you know, in the world, not of the world.

And so when the world does this crazy stuff you're not you're not on emotional roller coaster with the world i.e people who have a different opinion of you you become what i call emotionally intelligent emotionally intelligence emotional intelligence says i can feel the way i feel you can feel the way you feel it doesn't affect me we can still coexist and we can still have dinner and lunch together and like doubt one

i don't like red you do i'm not going to order red you order yours or order mine so let's find something that we do like to talk about or we do like to do together and let's concentrate on that

I hope I am going to rewind this episode many times and listen to your friend all over again because you say so many powerful things.

So, I really hope you guys, like if you're listening now, go back to these phrases and remember because there's like so much fantastic information that we can apply to our lives, including me in many ways, and including you.

Because I think, like, honestly, like I said, Kat is a brilliant girl, she's gorgeous, and she has this crazy self-image issue.

So, I'm using her as an example because I tell girls out there, love yourself, love yourself, love yourself, love yourself.

Right?

We all have something beautiful to love about ourselves.

100%.

Okay, now I'm gonna transition.

It's kind of on the same subject, transitioning into the dating world.

Nowadays, most people use dating apps.

Okay, so here we go.

Everybody always sends this question.

The number one complaint on dating apps for men and women is that a lot of people alter their photos on dating apps, fake their photos on dating apps

to create a better impression.

So why would you want somebody to meet you when they meet you?

They're like, and guys say that all the time.

Oh, I met that girl and she was nothing like the photos.

Why would you do that in the first place?

Okay, you know that I haven't, I don't, I haven't really tried these apps, but I did have a theory.

Like, people should do the reverse of that.

They should post like the picture that they look terrible in.

Yeah.

So it's like when the guy sees them in real life, they're like, oh my god, it's like, you should like,

yes.

It's like, okay, post like your like scrubbiest picture, like the worst picture.

And then the guy sees you in real life and they're like, hot damn, right?

But so

that's the question, too.

But how, why do people do that if you're going to have to meet in real life?

And how do you tell people, you know, stop it, stop it, be yourself.

I know it's like your worst pictures, right?

Then the guys be like, oh my God, like, so happy.

What is your suggestion on that note, doctor?

You know,

this may sound superficial, but it's not.

Because we're talking about dating.

If you look at...

the

most beautiful, of course, arguably beautiful women in the world that are celebrities or just that you know in your circle.

Okay.

And I may ruffle some feathers right now, and that's great because I don't care.

I'm here to love it.

You're right up my alley.

Not to be your BFF.

I love it.

Yo.

So, yes.

If you look at the most beautiful women

across the whole gamut of race and size and all that,

they are

the least married.

They are the least proposed to.

And I'm just stating statistics and facts.

And it's a lot of times because of what we're talking about.

They have a lot of aesthetics, but they don't have a substance.

Now, aesthetics can attract.

Substance will keep.

Okay?

Amen.

I'm going to drop my microphone and do this.

That's one thing that I learned moving to Los Angeles.

It's like, oh, everyone here is hot, but what makes you different?

Yeah,

yeah, yes, and now, now, when you get into relationship type, we're talking about dating,

the where the place you're going to connect at for longevity is the heart space.

The heart doesn't have an aesthetics, that's why it's in your body and you can't see it, you can only feel it.

And so, if you want to connect with somebody, you have to connect at the heart space.

I always say, if we connect at the heart space, cat and cat, you have a friend for life.

But if we connect at the head space, when the memory goes, there I go yeah

so that is how it works with aesthetics we connect at the mind space the optics oh she's gorgeous he's handsome our partners whatever people's sexual preference are is nowadays this person is attractive and it's not lasting long because you have these unhuman robotic people who are leading with their external self when you can't fuse outside fusing is an inside job it's systemically so if i can fuse with you at the heart space then we can rock and roll but if i fuse as you look at this at the ecstatic place then where's the show where's the connection yeah the connection has to go this way it is not this way in my mind and i say that over and over again i think you you decided to date through a dating app fantastic you start from the losing ground if you're faking your image out there because you're already starting with the lie.

And like you said, I think the person needs to love you.

Of course, on the outside because it's chemistry, but they need to love who you are inside.

In my case, I'm a major, major, major psychiosexual.

Like, if I don't have a mental connection with someone, I cannot even look at them.

And in a lot of people, it's like that, you know, it's chemistry, but when we talk about chemistry, it's like you were saying it's physical chemistry, but it's mind chemistry, it's heart chemistry, it's a bunch of different things.

I'm glad you said that because I was just going to say when you said, you know,

chemistry is physical.

I was just going to say it was going to, you know, challenge you, which a lot of love and say, hey, but is chemistry really physical?

Because chemistry is that.

It's chemically attractive, meaning my pheromones.

Pheromones are something that you cannot see.

It's a hormone that's energetically released in a woman when she's attracted to something.

It's a pheromone.

So chemistry means my pheromones are released.

Chemistry means other person's receiving them and releasing their attractive receptors.

That's energy.

That's deeper than aesthetics.

This is why you get a very unattractive woman with a very good looking man or a very unattractive man with a very good looking woman.

And you're going, well, how in the heck did that happen?

They had a chemistry and their substance, their inside, their heart, their soul has fused.

So they are actually very blessed and lucky because they got to have something that they can really feel, not just something they can touch.

See, I don't want something I can touch because touching something is limited anything you can touch is limited because you can describe it it looks like this it's round it's green it's this it's that anything you can't touch but you can feel intensely that's infinite because you can't describe it you just know it feels amazing you know that it feels full and it feels free and so we want to make sure like you were saying i know we're probably running out of time but you want to make sure that you are you are being intimate opening up yourself so people can intimately see you because you're gonna connect if you want something long-term you're gonna connect that that's business now if you just want sex go for the aesthetics do your thing hey I'm not I'm not just right right that's a total different ballgame

long term you know you have to open up I know quick quick story is when I first met my my ex-fiance

before we even got into relationship he started to talk about relationships and he really was liking me and all that stuff and I'm very aware of my aesthetics I know that you know know okay i'm attractive so that that you're gorgeous yes thank you so much but we were at lunch our dinner one time and i said listen Let me tell you a little bit about myself so you know who you're choosing.

And I just went straight inside.

I said, listen, I was an abandoned little girl.

So I'm an abandoned woman.

What does that mean?

That means that sometimes randomly, for no reason at all, you're going to trigger me and I'm going to show up and I'm going to look like I have no screws because I don't.

And so in those moments when I look like I have no screws, my abandonment is inflamed and I'm that scared little girl who was was abandoned and I'm gonna need you to reassure me I'm gonna need you to fiddle facilitate me be kind and gentle with me so I want to let you know that as you get this beautiful woman who's fun and amazing and positive and empowering there's moments where she flips her script and she shows up very very dysfunctional and my pain is going to be something you also have to deal with can you handle all of my moving parts because it may be too much for you because this is the deal you can't take people in fibers you take the whole

package absolutely i think we all have a vulnerable side we all have a history we all have issues something that we've been through and you're absolutely right the right person is gonna take the way you look the beauty la la la but they're also gonna be able to put up with the you know whatever baggage whatever's the good yeah my mom would always say like take the good with the bad you know yeah like and you kind of have to weigh it out yeah you just nailed it so i guess we all agree anybody out there listening i get this question all the time let's put it to bed if you really want to find a relationship don't start it with a lie don't post uh yeah love yourself first

yeah post a real picture yeah

and it even goes deeper right we all want to be loved unconditionally so we say right i want to be loved unconditionally unconditionally means with no conditions so watch this how can you allow somebody to love you unconditionally if you don't show your conditions?

The reason why I showed that man my conditions at the beginning was I wanted to make sure that he was going to love my little tail unconditionally.

So I said, let me show you my conditions so you can let me know if you can love it.

Oh, I love that.

Can you handle that truth?

Yeah, I'm like, look at my conditions.

I am amazing, but I got some mess in here.

So let me open up this closet and let me show you what some of these ripped jeans look like, what some of these halter tops look like.

Can you love all of it?

Yeah.

Okay.

And of course he said yes, but here we are not together.

So this is what I say.

You have to make sure that those yeses are follow-throughs with actions that show you, I got you, Kat.

And Kat, I can facilitate you.

Your stuff is not too big for me.

And if it is too big for that person, it doesn't make them a bad person.

It just means they weren't equipped to do that.

Exactly.

I think the wrong people live for a reason.

So you find the right one.

And of course, it's heartbreaking.

We've all been through that.

I've been through that 10 billion times, 10 million podcasts, episodes.

But I really think everything makes you grow as cheesy as it is.

And you open the path to finding the right person.

Yes.

For sure.

I feel like, and my observation of some people, it's like you would think that some people would grow from their life experiences, but not everyone does.

Well, you hope, you know, you learn.

Like some people take a long time to learn.

I think it was my case after being, and I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years.

Wow.

So after the abusive marriage, my behavior was I kept getting tangled up with men that were verbally abusing me again, treating me like absolute shit again.

And believe it or not, my therapy and my learning was the podcast.

I started doing the podcast and talking to experts, crazy intelligent women like yourself, and I was learning.

And then I started listening.

Yes, and then when I started listening to the first episodes, I was like, who the hell is this woman that would put up with this shit again?

Are you freaking kidding me?

That's how I learned.

And this is why I love doing it because when we finish an episode, if one girl out there listens to us, that she's like, you know what?

I'm going to love myself a little more.

I deserve a fulfilling relationship.

I deserve a man that loves and adores me.

I think we're all doing our jobs, right?

100%.

And I like, I love what you said, Kat, because you said for 15 years, I got caught up in calibrating, which means attracting, because life is all about the law of attraction, not insertion.

So we attract these things to us.

We don't search or insert ourselves into these things.

So you have to be calibrating that.

And I say that to say the reason why you were attracting that nonstop for 15 years is because it became your norm.

Yeah.

It became so embedded in your DNA that became your calibration.

And now, no matter how much you were like, I don't want that.

And this doesn't feel good.

And I'm actually not condoning it.

But why in the heck do I keep attracting it?

Because it became your calibration.

So, what does that mean?

We have to really, really, really be very extremely selective about what we are allowing our environment to be because that will create our norm.

So, a woman who IE settles for a certain type of man that she knows that she would not marry, listen, my love, you're creating that norm of type of man.

So, if you attracting these men that you're selling for, our partners are selling for, it's because you have settled once, twice, too many, and that's became your normal calibration.

Because your energy will start to weave that at which you choose more and more.

So, if you want to attract something different, you have to start to choose only, I'm going to say this really loud in all capital letters: only,

only choose the things that you would want to continuously attract.

Amen.

Don't want to continue to attract that.

You got to stop choosing it now.

Yeah, this, so I'm going to tell you guys, we are running out of time.

I have two minutes left.

I got dozens and dozens of questions about this subject of being in abusive relationships, being in unhappy relationships.

How do I get out?

with no guilt.

I'm going to have to do a whole new episode about that, guys, because this is such a powerful, complicated subject.

So, I will invite you back, and hopefully, you will come back because I know a lot of my listeners are gonna be like, But you didn't talk about that.

We are trying to, this is such a rich episode, and I am so so grateful.

I get emotional for nothing, I don't wanna cry right now, but thank you, Kat.

Thank you, Dr.

Brian.

You are incredible.

I was already a huge fan of your work because I look at your social media every single day.

By the way, guys, go there, follow her because she posts incredible stuff you post like every day right dr brian so check it out it's underscore dr bryant with the why

and i am most definitely going to invite you back so we can talk about because your your

insights are crazy crazy rich thank you with all my heart for doing this thank you thank you

really quick thank you so much cat but i do want to say this before we end that i want to thank you for being so bold and so courageous

and such a rock star for pulling out of that those abusive relationships because that that psychological pattern is is is one of the hardest patterns to break from it is one of the hardest dysfunctions to break from it is one of the darkest holes to pull out of and find the light switch is hell yeah the fact that you were able to say although i don't like this and i feel stuck in it i got to pull out of it and you went and found your strong sweet spot somewhere you know with having supported folks like cat with the C.

But I want to honor you.

I want to tell you that

I want to, you know, that I commend you for being strong and continue to speak and be advocates for ladies who are still in that relationship, who are still in that dark place.

Because you know, it is not easy.

Every time they hear someone like you say, I got out.

Yeah.

I'm out of that damn thing.

You empower them.

Yes.

Help them get a little bit closer to getting the heck out of there.

So I have goosebumps.

Being a leader in that space because you need those women who will speak on their story.

1 million percent.

Anymore and help with the other women to get out of there.

1 million percent.

I have tears in my eyes.

I have goosebumps.

She's a rust.

And I'm going to tell you, you ladies, I promise, I swear to God, we will do a whole episode about that because if you're out there, you can get out.

I swear to God, I will bring Dr.

Brian back very, very soon.

I promise you we will talk about it.

We will give you tools if there are any tools because I'm not an expert.

I share my story a million times over because I know it's really really tough.

But if you're out there listening to us, reach out, look at her Instagram, reach out to me.

I swear to God, we are going to come back and talk about it because this is all fun and games.

But at the end of the day, if we can help other women out there with anything, I feel like we're stronger together.

Yeah, they can reach out to me also for questions.

They can reach out to me via email and ask questions.

They can reach out to me for whatever coaching

as their doctors while I extend myself because I am extremely passionate about people being healthy and living the best quality of life they can.

That is a huge

girl power.

Thank you.

This was such a fantastic episode.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you with all my heart.

You are amazing.

I really appreciate it.

Have the most wonderful day.

This was one, I think, one of the most special cat on the loose I ever did, if not the most special.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

And I promise you, I'll bring Dr.

Brian back because an hour obviously is not enough to talk about so many important topics for women out there.

Thank you, doctor.

You're incredible.

And I'll see you guys very soon.

Thank you.