Sexologist Dr Stephen de Wit answers our most burning questions about Sex

Okay, people,

you've been asking me for so long.

I think since season one, bring in a sex expert.

Let's ask an expert all the 10 million questions we have about sex.

So here it is.

I have with me Dr.

Stephen DeWitt.

Hi, doctor.

Hi, Kat.

I'm excited to be here with you.

First of all, thank you so, so much for being on Cat on the Lose.

Obviously, you know, it's a podcast about sex dating and relationships, and sex is a big part of it.

And I'm going to jump right on it because, as we were saying before we got started, I literally got hundreds of questions for you.

And I mean, I don't know if you agree with me.

My first question would be: before I even ask exactly how a sex therapist can ask people, but sex,

interestingly enough, is still taboo to a lot of people talking and doing it.

Do you agree as a doctor?

And sorry, was that anal sex or just sex in general?

Just sex in general.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, sex is, for a lot of people, we've grown up in environments that are what I would call sex negative.

They suppress, they try and control a very natural, healthy urge for so many people.

And then we get stuck in this shame spiral or guilt spiral or fear spiral around it.

Where, you know, a lot of the work I do is have people like own who they are as an individual, step into their truth.

So it's about shedding all that stuff because we don't need it anymore.

We don't need those things that keep us small or the things that we needed when we were younger to protect us.

We're adults.

Let's build the connections and have the relationships and have the sex that honor us and our partners.

Oh my God.

Amen.

I could not agree with you more because my listeners, people that know my podcast, people that know my work in general, know that I am super open about it.

I think I've been like that my whole life.

And maybe because of the cultures that I come from, you know, I'm Brazilian, I'm French, and I find, and I've lived in the United States my entire life since I was like a kid.

But I find that

I always say, of course, there are exceptions, but in general, Americans, especially, are very uptight

talking about sex, listening to women talk about sex, and doing sex.

Do you agree?

Yeah, absolutely.

I've been fortunate enough to travel a lot, doing different speaking at different conferences, and it's different in different places you'll go to how people respond.

And a lot of my clients, I'd say 95% of the people that follow me on social media, people that I work with, are women.

And for so long, it's been this thing that

is bad, that is wrong.

And there's so much judgment, especially in North America

around sex, where you go to other countries and it's just like this, it's a natural part of a relationship or getting to know someone.

And here we have these like significance and scandal and stories and salaciousness where it's like, it doesn't have to be that way.

Thank you so much for saying that.

I hope you guys are listening.

It doesn't have to be that way.

So I'm going to start with my question.

I get that a lot, like in dating, because I was married for a very, very long time, for 14 years.

Everybody knows I had a horrible, horrible sexual life.

My husband was super uptight about it, blah, blah, blah.

So, I'm discovering my life and sex, and being very sexual, and understanding that it's okay for women to ask for what they want now in my older age, and I've never felt better.

But I've interviewed not sex experts before, but I interview a bunch of of, you know, these matchmakers, dating, so-called dating experts, and they all say the same thing.

Withhold sex with a new partner.

Like if you're dating somebody new, don't go to bed with them like on the second or third date because they're never going to take you seriously.

They're never going to want a relationship with you.

And I have been burned in the past.

Mostly, like, I think I've done that with two or three, two people, Americans, and sure enough, in the beginning, they seem super interested and then they boom, disappear.

Do you agree with this concept that women should withhold sex from a new partner, or you think it's baloney?

So I'm going to say yes and no.

Okay.

Because I, first of all, I want to own that I am a cisgendered man.

I've never walked in a woman's shoes as far as her lived experience.

But why I say yes and no?

It is up to that individual woman and the purpose and the intent of her dating experience and only her alone can choose when it works for her to be sexual.

Listen, there's some women who are amazing women who want to date.

Why?

Because they want to have sex and there's nothing wrong with that.

They want to fuck, they want to have a one-night stand, they want to go to a sex club and that's beautiful.

There are other amazing women that want to date because they want to find a life partner, create a life, follow that more kind of traditional path.

And that woman may say, hey, for me, what feels good is I don't want to have sex for the first, I don't know, 20 days, for the first six months, for the first week, for the first whatever it is.

And that independent woman can use her autonomy and use her voice to be able to say that and share that.

Now, that's the key is being able to and having, this is a lot of the work they do is empower women to own who they are, what they're up to, what they actually want and share that with the partner.

And if their partner's like, no, that's not me, that's not my jam, that's cool.

Now what I do object to very strongly, and I could hear it in your voice, so I think we're in agreement, is somebody else, a so-called expert, putting their judgment, their morals, their belief on someone else, being like, listen, if you want to have a man take you seriously, you need to play this role of this like withholding sex and this like game that you're starting out with of like, ooh, I don't want sex, or I need to be a good girlfriend or a good wife or a good whatever.

No, F all of that.

There's so many people who have met on hookup apps, be like, yeah, I want it together.

I want to, I want to bang it out.

And six years later, they're married and they're happy and they got three kids.

So putting that judgment on people is garbage.

I love it.

Thank you so much.

I completely agree with you.

Now, this is what I say.

Yes, if you're dating someone, like in my case, you have sex with a person, it doesn't matter like if it's on the second date, the third date, whenever you feel like it, if it's the right person for you,

they're not going to judge you because of that.

If they judge you, oh, you're a whore, you do that with everybody else, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe they're not the right person for you, right, Doctor?

Totally.

One of the common questions I get is: you know, people want to know how many people

you've had sex with or how many people you've slept because they want to judge you because of that.

So, whenever I have that question asked to me personally, or I have clients that say, How do I handle that?

So, if someone comes up to you and says, you know, how many partners have you had are you going to, you know, have that question?

Just be like, why is knowing that answer important to you?

Right, right.

Why is knowing that answer?

Because they'll be like, oh, well, there is, you know, I'm worried about sexual health.

Well, okay, let's talk about sexual health.

This is the last time I was tested.

These were the results.

I only practice safe sex.

There's been no unsafe sexual encounters, no condom, you know, slippages, whatever.

You have that conversation.

Or now what's there is like, oh, because, you know, I want my partner to like be like some sense of like

chaste or virginal or untouched.

And that's just like, fuck that.

Like, what are we in 1940?

No, we're in 2022.

Grow up.

And yeah, it may be a red flag that that person's not a good match for you.

And wish them well.

They're amazing people.

They just have different ideas around sex and sexuality.

That's not a match for yours.

So they're not a good match for you.

Absolutely.

I agree 1 million percent.

In my case, it's kind of hilarious, obviously, because I do the sex podcast and I post sexy things on my Instagram it's just my style it's my work obviously a lot of men

a lot of men out there you know they think oh my god this girl fucks a different guy every night she has sex with a bunch of people and I kind of think it's hilarious whoever misunderstands me or misrepresents me and like they're just not the person for me and I think the right partner will know me for who I am like you said and and I don't think women or men should be judged on when they they decide to have sex so let's normalize that for once and for all right like you said people have sex whenever the hell it's right for you right doctor

simple as that

okay let's move on um i i'm glad you you brought up the the subject about like safety because that's one question that a lot of people ask it's kind of embarrassing like you meet

dozens of people send this question you meet someone and you really like that person okay and you want to have sex with that person but you don't know if they're gonna be like fucking around, how many guys, how many girls, whatever.

How do you bring that up like without ruining the mood?

Do you bring that up like during dinner?

Do you bring that up when you meet the person?

Do you bring that up when you're in the bedroom?

Like how do you

just suggest let's wear a condom?

So one of the tenets that I believe is communication is the most important part of having an amazing sex life.

Out of all the weird, wonderful, wild things that we can do with our mouths when it comes to sex, communicating is the most powerful.

So yes, communicate.

Now, your question is like, when do you do it?

Not right before you have sex, because you're going to be turned on and your blood's not going to be going to your brain and you'll be like, just let's go, let's have sex.

And you may not, you know, have the same rigor that you'd bring to things if you're, you know, talking before, like a day before or something like that.

So what I recommend is a couple things.

You could be, like you say, because you don't want to ruin the mood.

I think it's important.

Like you may be sexting with that person or talking to that person ahead of time.

And you could just be like, hey, can I hit pause for a second?

I just want to ask, like, a like, have like a serious conversation, right?

So you want to create the space.

So they know, like, okay, this isn't going to be cat of flirtatious, fun, like that person.

It's like, okay, let's talk about some real things because health is important.

So you create that space.

Hey, can we hit pause and just have a quick conversation?

They're going to mostly say yes.

If they say no, that's probably a red flag.

And then

you begin sharing first.

So you say,

you know what?

I'm gonna make up a name.

Brad, sexual health is really important to me.

So I practiced safer sex.

That means

condoms for penetration.

That means blood, whatever that is for you.

Then you say, I get tested.

The last time I got tested was X date.

There hasn't been any unsafe encounters since then, any condoms, slippages, or breakages.

And, you know,

what about you?

And so now what may happen is like, oh, I'm safe.

I'm clean.

No pass.

No pass.

You go and say, like, okay, that's great.

When was the last time you were tested?

They're like, oh,

I don't know, a year ago.

Okay, that's fine.

Like, it doesn't have to be like last week, but you say, wait, have there been any unsafe encounters since then?

Yeah.

Well, you know, with this one, I was out partying and I got drunk and this.

Okay, cool.

Then you have that information.

Okay, were there any,

and I'm assuming a heterosexual couple or someone in that couple has a penis, right?

I just want to, everybody's included in this podcast, but just for the sake of it, you'd be like, great, were there any condom breakages or slippages?

Well, yeah, I kind of slipped off this one time like last month.

Okay, good.

Then you now are educated and you can make an assessment with Brad.

Hey, Brad, that's cool.

Come over tomorrow night.

Let's bang it out.

It's going to be hot.

Or, hey, Brad, you know what?

Based on what you shared with me, you know, I'd be more comfortable if we're going to have sex if you get tested.

And guess what?

I'm going to get tested too because it'll be equal.

Or we can get tested together.

But having that conversation is so important because the last thing you want to do, and I know so many women who are in that situation, it's like you're having sex with that person, and you're like, Your mind is not present there because you're like, Oh shit, I forgot to did we have that conversation?

Like, is he having, you know, so talk, communicate,

don't be embarrassed, especially women.

Women, many times, I get a lot of messages from women, like, oh my god, Kat, how do I get the confidence?

How are they gonna come?

You gotta put yourself first.

I think if somebody likes you, communication, like you said, is key and trust.

Because if you don't communicate, how are you going to trust the person, right?

100%.

What I say is, you know, if someone wants an all-access pass to this ride called My Body,

these are the parameters.

You're going to wear condoms.

You're going to work.

Communication is important.

We are going to talk about the things that we liked and the things that we didn't like.

I want to be treated as a human being, not just a piece of meat that you put your penis in, right?

You know, you go to the amusement park, there's the ride, you have to be this tall, you have to be this much weight, you have to do those things.

It's the same thing, yeah.

You,

yeah, women have, I, the other thing I say is, you have a blank check, yeah, to write whatever you want sexually and have it come true.

And the more women that I work with that step in, own their voice, shed their shame, heal their relationship with sex, and own that, the more they're like, oh, damn, I can put it out there, Yeah.

And it will be received and it will be reciprocated.

But again, for so long, women's needs and wants sexually have been silenced.

It still are.

It still are.

And it's been great.

And I found that out when I started doing the podcast, I was like, oh my God,

so many men and women think it's like, oh, you're dirty, you're a horror, you're a horrible just because you like talking.

And I think talking is just opens it up so much.

But that brings me to the next question.

of course it's one of the top questions that people ask me maybe you how do you tell your partner the person you like what you really want to do in bed like if you have a fantasy or what turns you on or something that you really want to do without being judged like with the oh my god you're such a fucking heart is there like a secret

so We can only be responsible for what we say and how we respond.

The person that you're communicating to is going to respond however they're going to respond.

Now, there are some things that you can do to have that conversation go smoother, have that conversation go easier.

So first of all, what I would recommend, if you want to start talking about fantasies and exploring and what that is,

first of all, I'd invite you to start on the other end of the spectrum and talk about like, hey, what are your boundaries?

Can we talk about that?

What are are your no-go zones?

What are the things that you're not into?

Because once you start having that conversation, you'll be like, okay, so my partner doesn't want to dress up like a raccoon, put peanut butter on their nipples, stand on the dining room table with a sailor hat, bark like a dog.

That is something that's outside their comfort zone.

And meanwhile, in your head, you're like, shit, I want my cup, you know, that was your fantasy.

But now you, so when you talk about boundaries, you start having having an outline to where you're where your partner's at and where you're comfortable with the second thing that I would say is again you go first you share and you don't have to go full in you don't dive in you'd be like hey you know one of the things that I've been curious about

is X

What are your thoughts on that?

You don't have to, you know, do this thing, send them a porn video of, you know, the exact thing that you want and be like, I want you to do this, or I want to do this to you.

So you just start, it's, and it doesn't have to be, I think, some people get so caught up in conversations around sex that they have to have it all at once.

Where I really encourage people with a partner to have it be a regular, healthy part of their life and their conversation, that it's something they talk about on, if not a monthly basis,

no, a weekly basis.

I have with my partner, and what I recommend when I work with clients is just a regular check-in.

Because people are so busy.

They got careers.

They got lives.

They got social.

They got family.

They got kids.

They got all this other kind of stuff.

And rarely is sex made a priority.

So what I invite people to do is every month at least, take half an hour or an hour and just check in with each other.

Hey, how was this month for you?

Where did we succeed sexually?

Hey, what are the things that you enjoyed what are the things that we need to work on and you can broaden that even to talk about the relationship bigger not just sexual yeah but having those having that safe space to be able to talk about that um and then i have a tool that i can share with your listeners it's it's an acronym okay so this is a really powerful communication tool and if anyone has anything to write on or write with this is the time to utilize it or you can just type it into your phone so often questions come up around like you said communication.

How do I talk about it?

It's going to be awkward, it's going to be uncomfortable and then you put it off, right?

The

you know dusting the bookcase now becomes a priority because you don't want to have this conversation.

So I created the Lita technique.

So it's L I

T A.

And it's a technique that you can use to have awkward conversations become easy and simple.

So the L stands for, so when you start talking, you want to share what you like or love

about the person or the relationship.

And this is all about setting a safe context to have a conversation.

Because if you just show up and be like, hey,

I want you to tie me up and put a ball gag in, a butt plug in, and then spank me with a riding crop, they're going to be like, that might be too much.

They're going to charge me.

Yeah, it can be a lot.

So you start off with the L.

You share what you like or love with the person in the relationship.

And this can be with a one-night stand.

You can share what you really like about that person.

It doesn't, or it could be married for 25 years.

So you share what you like or love about the person in the relationship.

Next, you share what's important to you.

So you own this.

So it's important to me that we can talk about sex because I'm committed to having an amazing sex life to you.

So part of the I and sharing what's important is sharing what you're committed to for the future.

So what it does, it allows your partner to be like, okay, they like and love me for these things or they love me for these things or however, again, whatever honors your relationship.

Then, oh, it's important to them because this talking about sex is important to them and it's because they want to, this is what they're committed to.

They want to have a great sex life.

So now your partner is relaxed.

They know where you're coming from.

Now you bring up the T.

The T stands for topic, the thing that you wanted to talk about.

So Kat, I wanted to talk about, you know, exploring some of our fantasies and some things that have come up in my head are like, you know, using maybe some rope or some

vloggers or something like that, right?

So you bring it up, but it's in that safe context.

Now the A, this is the kicker.

It's actually A squared or A to the power of two, because there's two questions you're going to ask.

So A is for ask.

One, you're going to ask them if they're open to having the conversation right now.

Because I don't know, Kat, if you're anything like me, someone comes up to you and says, you know, hey, Kat, I really want to have this conversation with you right now.

Does it work for you to have this conversation?

And you say no, and they keep talking and having the conversation.

Timing is everything, right?

Yeah.

I want to punch them in the throat.

So you want to ask them, hey, is it...

you know, are you open to having this conversation right now?

Because they may not.

Maybe they got in a fight at work.

Maybe their mom yelled at them.

Maybe the dog took a dump in the living room.

You don't know what happened in the day.

So you want to ask

so they can say yes or they can say no.

Now, if they'd say no, it's fine.

You then ask, when would be a good time?

Well, tomorrow, in a couple hours, next week, great.

So you just put a pin in it and continue that conversation.

Now, the second ask is, so you ask them, you know, are you open to having this conversation?

They say yes.

Then you say, great, because I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback.

You want to ask them.

And now what you do is rather than a one-way conversation of being like, hey, I want you to buy,

it's now a co-created conversation.

And it's not something that has finality to it where they have to say yes or no.

They can think about it and be like, huh, okay, well, that's kind of interesting.

You know, these are my questions.

Or fuck, yeah, that's really hot.

But like, I want to, how do we talk about safety inside of that?

I don't want to hurt you, or I want to make sure I'm being respectful.

So using the leader technique when you're talking about fantasy, I love it.

Yeah, create the really safe space and have those awkward, uncomfortable conversations go so much smoother and so much easier.

It's a great idea.

And I know some of my friends are going to say, Yes, but what if he judges me?

What if she judges me?

My opinion, and I tell people that over and over again,

because I lived it, I was literally in a marriage for 14 years, being judged, being verbally abused, being called a whore.

If I just managed, like even using a vibrator was like a no-no.

It's if you try to talk to your partner about whatever the hell, like said, it doesn't matter what you want to do, but if you try, and they judge you, they call you names, guess what?

I think it's like a red flag for you to run away because the right partner, at the very least, they're going to listen.

Even if they say no, right, doctor, no, I don't want to be tied up in bed.

Can we think of something else?

But if they love you and they care about you and your sexual pleasures, they're not going to judge you.

I think there's a big difference between saying no and being judgmental.

Do you agree, Doctor?

So, yes, and there's always subtleties and nuances to that.

So, listen, there's going to be women, like you said, in your situation.

And I get your, you know.

your lived experience and projecting that to other people around similar experiences.

And each person has what I call a unique sexual fingerprint.

So what works works for them, their history, their conditioning, you know, how they communicate, what their comfort level is unique to them.

But also,

their relationship dynamic is different as well.

So you're not always going to, and you don't always have to be on the same page or like the same things that your partner does.

But what is a red flag is when your partner is not willing to either listen to you or understand

more or have a conversation of expanding or exploring things beyond a very narrow definition.

Because listen, people come from hyper-religious backgrounds where there's sexual shame.

People come from sexual trauma.

And so bringing those things up and saying, oh, hey, I want to explore this fantasy could trigger all those things for them, but they don't have the language or the ability to actually disclose that or share that because there's so much shame for them.

So in those situations, is how can we show empathy?

How can we show understanding?

And how can we provide support or a safe space for that person to work through those things?

And if that person's open and willing to do the work, then hey, that's your life partner.

You may have kids.

You may have a mortgage with them.

You may have 10 years with them.

So that's something to invest in.

Totally.

Now, if it is, you know, a very cut and dry and your partner is judging you, they're not willing to do any work, they're not willing to listen, they're going to, you know, verbally abuse you because of that and aren't willing to step in and heal their hurts,

then I think that's a red flag.

Oh my God, we are almost done with the first half an hour.

Nice to have 10 million questions.

We're going to take a two-minute break, but I swear to God,

the most important thing is I have promised I will talk about.

We have to talk about anal sex, huge taboo in this country.

I was talking to a girlfriend this morning.

In Brazil, it's actually the opposite.

It's one of the first things guys want to do: auto-sex, anal sex, anal sex, and here it's like, oh.

So, I want to ask you about that.

We obviously have to talk about threesomes because I guess it's one of the top fantasies for most men.

But women, a lot of women want to do it.

And interestingly enough, and they're like, how do I approach it?

So, we have like 10 million more questions.

Let's see how many we can

squeeze in here.

We'll be back in two minutes, guys.

This is Kat on the Lose with Dr.

DeWitt, a sexologist.

We'll be right back.

Okay, guys, so we're back with Dr.

DeWitt, and I'm going to try to rush because I know I have to ask as many questions as I possibly can, like I promise you.

So, let's rock and roll.

Anal sex.

Okay, now we're mostly talking about heterosexual anal sex, like for women.

It's a huge taboo

in some cultures more than others.

Because, again, like I said, funny enough, coming from Brazil, I know that for Brazilian men, it's like one of the first things they want to do to you is like have sex, you know, have anal sex.

So, I think Brazilian girls are much more used to it.

Full disclosure,

I was married for 14 years, and my husband never even tried.

So, I was like, okay, whatever, I don't care for it.

And then I had a boyfriend, my one long-term boyfriend, and he he was Brazilian, that's how I found out.

And used to hurt like hell.

I hated it, hated it, hated it.

But I did it because I loved him so much and I wanted to make him happy.

So a lot of girls say that, oh, I don't want to do it, but I love the guy and I end up doing it.

It's horrible.

And then the last relationship, situationship I had was only the second man in my life.

We had anal sex, and it was really nice.

I actually felt pleasure.

So, I got 10 million questions about the subject.

But, in

short,

if

a couple or a girl wants to do it, but she's afraid of doing it, can she ask the guy, or how does the guy ask the girl, or if it hurts, can you, like, in a nutshell, talk a little bit about it?

In a nutshell, there's gonna be a challenge.

I know.

Because there's so many things that I don't want to be trite or how to do that.

So, let's go by pieces, bits and pieces.

If a girl never did it and a guy asks her and she's afraid, what would you say?

Like, if you think it's going to hurt too much?

So let's talk about the two main things that come up around ill sex: hygiene and pain.

How do we mitigate those?

How do we make it easier?

How do we make it fun and pleasure?

And there are some people that are like, anal sex is my jam.

That's all I want.

Like, my pussy, cool, but like, anal is what it is.

And those people, great.

But a lot of people have those fears.

So, one, sure,

that if you want to explore but there's no pressure if

anybody is uncomfortable for whatever reason in exploring that then don't do that right don't do it yeah there they're you know so one of the things to do is like talk about in any kind of sex that you're having for the first time you want to talk about safe words have a safe word not no or stop i mean obviously if that happens you want to honor those words but have something fun and playful one for stop and one to slow down so you want to set a safe environment to be able to explore things.

And then, anal sex that's depicted in most erotica, aka porn, is not indicative of what is healthy and how a body responds.

Your anus has two sphincters, they need to relax, you need to breathe, you need to take time.

It's not like whip it out of one hole, shove it in the other one.

Because that's a lot, I'm sorry to interrupt you, doctor, but you know, that's how a lot of men approach it.

A lot of my girlfriends say, Man, he didn't even ask me, he just came and tried to like stick his dick and it hurts like hell if it never does.

It's excruciating.

You know, the vagina is an orgasm of potential that opens up and tents once it aroused and there's lubrication.

The ass is not that way.

So a couple things is one, if you're open to it, okay, so let's educate ourselves.

Let's find out how to do it properly.

So there's a book, one of my colleagues, Carla Jansen, did you get it on Amazon?

It's called Anal Sex Basics, The Beginner's Guide to Maximizing Anal Pleasure for Everybody.

So you want to learn more so than watching porn.

You want to have safe words.

You want to talk about, hey, let's start with most things slowly and with something that's small, not whipping your dick out and jamming it in.

Because if you're exploring for the first time, you want to find out what works for you.

So I would even suggest if a woman's curious about this and wants to explore this, because the anus is the second highest concentration of nerve endings than the literis right or the second highest concentration nerve endings than the head of the penis so it is a place of potential pleasure is explore by yourself explore use lots of loo use something small explore that area get comfortable and once you have some of those things then sure maybe open it up with a partner who is going to be patient who is going to educate who is going to check and communicate with you while you're exploring in other words guys you know don't just try try to because a lot of men like instead of asking like i said in the middle of the sex eyes they just try to jam it in there be a little nicer you know maybe talk about it oh yeah have some lube something to help the woman feel pleasure because i think if it's and it can be very pleasurable right as much as women are embarrassed talking about it it can be super exciting it can really turn you on so yeah but i think it has a lot to do with how the man approaches like you said you gave a bunch of great ideas right now i love it.

Okay, so that's it for anal sex.

And yeah, hygiene, I mean, do we really have to talk about it?

I mean, I don't know if we maybe on the next episode, because

like common sense, I would think, but I don't know a lot about anal sex, but I don't want to do a whole half an hour about anal sex.

We could do, we could do it, we could go deep.

Yeah, really, we're going to have to do like a whole because I'm not kidding, I'll go hundreds of questions, but they're so specific.

Awesome.

Maybe I'm going to have to have you like as a recurring guest.

Totally.

And we haven't even talked.

And by the way, I will talk about your podcast before I let you go.

He does a phenomenal podcast about sex, guys, if you want to like delve deep, deep in there.

But next one, threesomes.

It's most guys' fantasy to have a threesome with two girls.

I've talked about it in the past.

I don't think it's that big of a deal if it turns your man on and you want to do it.

But a lot of girls send a question.

They want to have a threesome.

Sometimes a guy and a girl, and sometimes two guys.

Is there like a way to approach it to your guy?

Do you get, do your patients say that it's like their fantasy, but they're embarrassed to talk about it?

Yeah, so and I don't have patients, I have clients.

I said pardon.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Sorry, clients.

Yeah, with threesomes, listen, there's a couple

tide, trusted, and true rules to follow.

Number one, you're only exploring exploring inviting someone in to join you and your partner when you and your partner are rock solid.

You're not doing it because you're not really getting satisfied with your partner, so you're going to bring a third in, or you're arguing and fighting a lot, and you maybe think this is going to bring you guys together.

No.

Bringing a third human being into a sexual space is...

It takes something and you guys need to be rock solid.

Fabulous, yes.

Again, I would go back to communication is number one.

I'd go back to using the Lida technique.

I think that's really important.

I think talking about what you want to get out of it.

Listen, there's carnal pleasure.

There's fun things.

There's exploring more than one body or having more than one body pleasure you, which can be mind-bending and super erotic and arousing, get you super hard, get you super wet.

Let's rock and roll.

But there's also parts of like, hey, like, you know, this for me, I've always wanted to do this and it's kind of like naughty or I always, you know, saw this and it always turned me on.

And I never shared this with someone.

And it would feel, you know, whatever is there.

I want to feel cared for by other people.

So inside of that, you want to make sure that there's communication of what expectations are and where boundaries are.

Hey, I don't know what I would feel like to watch my partner having sex with another woman.

while I'm just sitting there by myself.

That would be weird.

So you want to talk about where boundaries are.

Is it all penetrative sex?

If there's oral sex, if there's whatever, or you may be,

some people have this idea of what a threesome is because they watch porn.

And if you look at what a menage trois is,

it breaks it down to the work of three.

So all it means, and this is where I encourage people to get creative and start slowly, start small and just be like, hey, what could be really hot for three people in a sexual scenario to connect?

One of the fun things that I also recommend for people to do is playing director.

So in our heads, we have these fantasies.

And whoever has the quote-unquote imagination,

the imaginative

or make-believe, let's go with that, director's chair gets to create a scene.

Hey, Kat, I'd like you to to Stephen and I'm going to whatever.

Is that that cool with everyone?

Yes, cool.

Then you go do it.

And then Kat, you get the director's chair.

And you're going to say, hey, I'd love to, I want you both to do this to me because that's really hot.

And you can share the power.

Love that.

Yeah.

The other thing that's there is I would also recommend.

Getting together with people first and getting a feel and a vibe for it.

Then if you want to progress to a sexual situation, have lots of communication, talk about boundaries, have safe words, you know, do all that kind of stuff.

And also have, if you're into it and then you're in that person's space and you're not feeling it, what is an exit word?

Or any of the three people at any time can be.

Excellent idea.

Yeah.

You should be allowed to change your mind if something is not going the way you expect it.

Yeah.

Exactly.

And you want to be able to say,

like maybe like, hey, let's have some tea or let's have some cookies or who wants another drink?

And that's an indicator.

Hey, I need a timeout yeah i want to just be able to chill and just kind of pull myself together figure out what's going on and so all these things are created the days of going to a bar and like meeting two hot chicks that want to bang you because you're such a stud

you know

and then haven't pro progress really great so threesomes can be super i mean we could do a whole other deep dive on threesomes

obviously each one of the subjects can be like an entire episode because, and that's the part that amazes me, how much difficulty people have talking about these things.

And you have no idea how much it makes me happy when I do an episode, and that's why I open up about my life, and I literally expose myself because when I get messages, some people say, Thank you so much.

I tried this with my partner, I tried that, I tried that.

It makes me feel like we're doing a good job because, like you said,

sex is crazy healthy.

It helps any relationship.

It helps, even if you're single and you're having sex with somebody you like, it's a huge part of life.

And it honestly shocks me a little bit how it's such a big deal.

Like, oh my God, you know, so let's normalize talking about it, asking for help and having a healthy sexual life at the end of the day, right?

It's life-changing.

It's life-changing.

Yeah.

So, okay, moving on because there are so many.

Okay,

this one.

Some men don't like giving oral sex.

I think most men love getting oral sex.

I talk about it all the freaking time.

It's my favorite thing in the world to do.

I love giving our sex.

It turns me on like there is no tomorrow.

It's my favorite, favorite thing in the world.

But I don't like receiving our sex, believe it or not.

It does.

And sometimes when a guy insists, it really annoys me.

Because every man is like, oh, but you like it, you like it, you like it.

Okay, me, Catherine, I'm the exception.

I I don't like.

But my girlfriends, a bunch of women sent me this question.

Oh, I want him to retribute the favor.

I gave him a blowjob.

I want to have it.

And a lot of guys don't like it.

Any tips?

If there's a guy out there, I don't like it, but I want to please my woman.

Any tips or ideas how to make it pleasurable for a man?

No.

No.

No.

Because listen,

what are you going to jazzle your pussy?

Are you going to put perfume?

Are you going to put jelly beans in your face?

Yeah, my friends were like oh drink pineapple juice drink this

my opinion is if you don't like the taste and the chemistry and the person you're with maybe you're the wrong person though

yeah so there's there's a couple things again you never want to shame or force anyone into doing something that they're not comfortable with totally agree there is

there are people that aren't comfortable with it and that's cool but then the reciprocation part of it of like oh i want you to suck my dick but i'm not going to eat your pussy um you want to have a conversation about where comfort is and where boundaries and where reciprocation is for you you can also ask him you know just get get him to to be real and it may not be in a conversation be like hey i want you to Send me an email tomorrow about why you don't like it.

What do you think it makes it?

What are you worried about for you?

What do you think it worried about for me?

Because women have been changed for too long about how their pussy looks, how their pussy smells, the haircut their pussy has, you know, how it tastes, all that other kind of stuff.

And I like, grow the fuck up.

Yeah.

Like, we're all adults.

We, this is a natural, healthy part.

Listen, if that part of your body isn't healthy, I would assume that the owner is going to go get that healthy.

But other than that, it is, you know, there's so much shame and culturally there has been, you know, this world and in different cultures, it's going to be different.

But each person, just like you're like, no, thank you.

I don't like it.

Another person may be like, no, thank you.

I don't like it.

And these are the reasons why.

And that would be a good reason to be like, okay, well, we're not going to be sexually compatible in in the oral sex department.

It's okay, right?

What could other things look like for us?

And how do we expand our erotic territory?

Or it may be like, okay, cool.

If this isn't my jam, this is a deal breaker.

But coming from, hey, how do we communicate?

How do we understand each other better?

Rather than how do I make my pussy more appetizing for someone to dine on?

No.

I got no time for that.

I love that you said.

I agree.

1 million percent.

I I was laughing.

I did an episode and my friends were talking about it.

And they're like, yeah, of course, this is, it goes back to hygiene, blah, blah, blah.

We can do a whole episode about that.

But I mean, I think if you're with your partner and you guys love each other, normally, at least for me, I want to do everything.

I want to eat, lick, suck, kiss every little piece of my partner because I only have sex with somebody that I absolutely want to be with because I think chemistry is on top.

So maybe this is what you guys got to keep in mind if somebody doesn't want to do something.

But yeah, don't try to like tit for tit tat for tat right sometimes somebody doesn't like something and you figure something else out that the person likes okay now let's talk about um believe it or not size of the dick i don't say penis because i don't say penis the dick size of the dick um

A lot of men are

self-conscious about it.

They think the bigger, the better for the woman.

I've talked about that in the past.

The size matters, but not necessarily how guys think it matters.

And then, one of my friends sent me this question because she was dating this guy forever and she finally decided to go to bed with him.

And he had a nice body, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

When they went to bed, literally, they were taking their clothes off.

She saw his dick, and it was shrunk, it was teeny, teeny, tiny, and it wouldn't get hard to save her life.

And in the middle of the sex act, she was like, buyer's remarks.

She's like, you know what?

I'm going to get the hell out of here.

She literally put her clothes on and left.

And I think she traumatized the guy for life.

In general, in situations like this,

like, I don't even know how to ask, I don't even know how to explain it.

Like, do you think size matters, or is it chemistry, or is it one person's fault, or is it the other person's fault?

So, we are blessed with a body that's there to serve us in many, many different ways.

And there is so much internalized shame, so much expectations put on our body about the size of this, the shape of this, whatever, whatever, and in both you know, or anybody's body.

And there are parts of our bodies, there's parts of your body that you really love and comfortable and confident with.

There's parts of my body that I really love and confident with.

But there are parts where we're like, eh, you know, I like it to be different.

Now, when you are getting naked with someone, you are putting yourself and that other person in the most vulnerable position.

We are literally being naked, taking our clothes off, but also we're being vulnerable as far as who we are in our most pure form.

form.

I would not recommend,

you know, putting on your clothes and leaving someone if you're not happy with their genitals.

I don't think I would feel good.

I don't think anybody would feel good.

I don't either.

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Now, penis size is something that has been conditioned for men.

Like, we need to be this thing.

We have the biggest penis.

We always please our partners.

We're always ready for sex.

And, you know, we're like these sex robots.

You just push the button and then you go.

No, we are a complex, as everybody is, combination of emotions, things going on with a physicality, things emotional, our psychological side, our spiritual side of things that help us connect with a human being.

Now, a penis, when there's the difference between showers and growers.

Sometimes penises, like if they're flaccid, then they're not very big, but when they get erect, they are big.

Or penises that are showers, so when they are flaccid, they are big, and they don't grow a lot when they get erect.

And there are people that have below average size penis.

There are people that have above average size penis.

It is dependent on two things.

One, if you're the receiver of that penis, what do you enjoy?

And the other person who's dependent on is that person that owns that penis.

How comfortable or confident are they in with that?

Listen, there are people in the world, there are

sexual practices where penises and penetration and that world of it doesn't even come into it.

There's so many things that you can explore and create and have hot, but we have this like touchdown approach of like penis into vagina and that's the whole thing again in a heterosexual world.

This is the thing that we have to go and this is what matters.

And so it doesn't have to be this focal point of what it is.

And if you're a, you know, the term, if you love big penises or a size queen, cool, that's what you know.

But let's have some conversations about it.

Let's be talking about it, what you really like.

Maybe doing some sexting and and show pictures so you know what you're going to be engaged in so you're not in that situation when you're naked and then you freak out now this person's dramatized and it gets really messy

I think I agree doctor you give amazing advice and I think what I would say

even to my guy friends too because they always comparing themselves to other men what I would say to men in general stop comparing yourself to other men and girls always do that with the boobs.

Like, oh, your boobs are bigger.

Your boobs are big.

Like, stop it.

It's more like how much pleasure and the chemistry you have with whoever you are with, right?

Totally.

And there's so many things.

If it is penetration that your partner wants and you weren't blessed with a big penis, cool.

Guess what?

There's sex toys.

Guess what?

There's fingers.

Guess what?

There's fists.

You know, there's so many things that you can explore, which isn't but but again there's so much internalized shame and pressure on us being a particular way where really in the work that I do is empowering people to just be like yeah this is who I am this is my body this is what I like this is what I don't like how do I then create the type of connections that I want with people and how do I heal my relationship with sex so then I can go in the world and have those type of beautiful relationships and connections.

Absolutely.

Okay, really, really quickly, because I want to talk about your podcast before I let you go.

Bringing sex toys into the bedroom,

also big taboo.

Some men, actually, believe it or not, some guests I had in the past were like, no, it would make me feel like I'm not satisfying her enough.

And all the women that I ever interviewed, they're like, bring it on.

I have a bag of toys.

I love my toys.

And it's all about like extra pleasure, extra fun.

Do you think it's a yes or a no?

It's healthy or it makes it sexual life worse or it depends.

So like with all my question, it depends.

If you're that guy,

listen,

I empathize with you, but rather than looking at sex toys as competition, look at them as on the same team as you.

Listen, I'm 44 years old.

My penis doesn't do the things that it did when it was 20 years old.

And grants, I'm happy with that.

I have a beautiful, voluptuous sex life.

But there are, if I'm concerned about being an amazing lover, if I'm concerned about creating amazing connection and pleasure, I'm going to bring the fucking toys.

I'm going to bring fucking pizza.

I'm going to bring the fucking lawnmower in.

If that's what she's into, she likes loud noises.

I don't care.

I don't care.

Freaking do it.

I know.

But I would encourage, like, but I get there.

There is that pressure for men.

Like, again, I need to be the sex robot and I need to be the only thing.

And I don't want to be substituted by a plastic thing or a rubber thing or whatever.

And I'm just like, for me, because that, you know, I always haven't, you know, had this viewpoint or educated in these ways.

I can get that.

But rather than just be like, listen, I care about my part.

I want to create an amazing sexual experience with my partner.

My penis can be part of it, but it doesn't have to be all of it.

Like, let's bring some pleasure products

for me as well as for my partner.

Absolutely, guys.

Get over it.

It can be fun.

I had never had this experience in my life.

And with my past situationship, we were drinking so much wine one time at my house, like three bottles of wine, and then we went to bed.

And I think, of course, he was super drunk, like, I know I'm not gonna perform.

Like, a lot of men, he said, hey, get your vibrator because he knows I love to have sex at night.

And when I started using my vibrator in front of him, he got so turned on, we ended up having fantastic sex.

So, yeah, guys, like, like you said, I love the team thing.

Like,

the vibrator is on your team.

It's not against you.

It's not competition.

Fantastic advice.

You are really good, really good at what you do.

And you actually have a podcast about sex.

I was listening to it.

It's called Sex Unleashed.

Sex Life Unleashed.

Sex Life Unleashed.

And I love it.

It's fun.

It's interesting.

It's filled with information.

Can you tell my listeners where they find you and when you drop it, which platforms?

Absolutely.

So there is a bunch of things, and I actually have a gift for your listeners that I'm excited to share.

So, if you want to follow me and all my fun antics and wisdom and dancing, you can find me on Instagram at Dr.

DeWitt's.

That's D-R-D-E-W-I-T.

You can also, my podcast is the Sex Life Unleashed podcast.

We're doing a whole theme on kink.

So, I've interviewed professional dominatrix,

kinky people, submissive people,

just beautiful sexual philosophers, lots of fun there.

And then I also have a free masterclass that I want to share with your listeners.

Oh, please do.

Yeah.

This is something that I'm super passionate about, and it's called sexual self-awareness, the first step.

in creating an incredible sex life.

So I really believe understanding yourself first.

Our sexual relationship with ourselves is mirrored by the sexual relationship that we have with other people.

And that's really the first step.

So I do a deep dive, very similar to this, where I'm just, you know, there's no fancy, you know, screens or backdrops.

There's a few slides, but it's just me talking and going through exercises and giving you the time and space to think about what were those things that impacted you and what would sexual success look like for you if you could create that for yourself without any of the guilt, shame, and fear or trying to adhere to these standards ideals norms and expectations so for for that

you can visit sexlife unleashed.com slash free dash masterclass so sexlifeunleashed.com slash free dash masterclass and hopefully you could put it in the show notes below and that's free and that's just you and me 53 minutes having some fun talking about sex pulling it apart so then you can heal and begin you know, having a great relationship with sex rather than trying to find partners or trying to find it and create that with a partner.

First, the most important sexual relationship you'll ever have in your life is the one you have with yourself.

So, that's the gift that I want to give to you.

Oh my god, thank you so much.

And I'm gonna listen to it.

And you are incredible.

I hope you come back because I try to squeeze in as much information as possible, but this is such a rich subject.

And I agree with you.

It's my experience: having a healthy sexual life is life-changing.

So instead of being embarrassed and ashamed about it, it's everybody's right, including women.

It doesn't make you a bad person.

It doesn't make you a whore.

It doesn't make you anything.

So just go for it.

I'm going to put all your information for sure on the videos that I'm going to publish on my Instagram.

You are absolutely incredible.

I cannot thank you enough.

for being here on Cat on the Loose, Dr.

DeWitt.

And I hope you come back because you're really amazing.

Thank you.

I'm happy to do so anytime.

Okay, I'll definitely bring him back.

Because through my list, I think I went through what, 20% of the questions.

And I know once I publish the episode, I'm going to be innovative.

No, but let's.

Maybe we need to do like once a month.

Like, let's talk about anal sex a little more.

Let's talk about this.

Thank you, Dr.

Wood.

You're amazing.

I'll talk to you soon.

My pleasure.

Thanks so much.