DATING & RELATIONSHIP COACH FOR MEN ROBBIE KRAMER

Hi guys, good morning.

This is such a good, fun, exciting Tuesday.

First of August is the last Tuesday of the second season.

I'm closing my second season of Carondaloos today.

So yeah, I'm really excited.

And I start, I have two interviews today, like I told you guys.

My first guest is here with me via Zoom, all the way from Ukraine.

He's a super cool, super talented guy, Robbie Kramer.

He's a dating and relationship coach and he's been doing that for so long.

He's obviously an expert on the subject.

Hi, Robbie.

Hi.

How are you?

What time is it in Ukraine, by the way?

It's 4.30 in the afternoon.

Okay, 4.30 in the afternoon.

We're doing this 9.30 my time.

So your day is like almost over and we're getting going here.

Thank you so much for being with me.

Yeah, thanks for having me again.

It'll be fun.

Yeah, so can we just jump right in it?

Because I have so many questions for you.

We do.

Fire away.

The first thing I want to mention: I have had experts in the past, but they're in general dating and relationship experts for

couples or for women.

So I am super excited about interviewing you because you specialize in dating and coaching for guys, correct?

Correct.

And you've been dating and coaching guys for a very long time

yeah since 2008

prior to that right around 2005 I was clueless when it came to women and dating

you know I kind of grew up and

went to school and had some relationships and girlfriends whatever through meeting them you know through my classes but when it came to like being in the real world and having a job and actually going on dates, I had like never been on a a date so I didn't know what I was doing.

I had no idea and because I had no idea I didn't have any confidence.

I was a little bit overweight so I had some insecurities around my looks and wealth

and then I studied all the stuff I could find learned from a bunch of experts out there

took some seminars became after succeeding at some of the seminars became a coach

and then just really learned what worked for me to overcome sort of my issues and also what worked for other guys.

And then I started my business which is called interconfidence back in uh 2009 and i've been doing it ever since awesome and uh so i'm actually over here in kiev ukraine um but i i used to do events over here in eastern europe every summer and then i fell in love with the area and i have some ukrainian roots so i decided to move here cool and uh yeah by the way guys sometime here and sometime yeah yeah

amazing i want to mention that you are originally from california so you and you you are in ukraine and that's super cool Well, I have a lot of questions for you because,

but first of all, me, obviously, I'm in this crazy world of dating, trying to get back to relationships since my husband died in 2018, and it's been crazy.

And then, when I started this podcast, the girls sent dozens and dozens of questions because apparently, we don't understand how the male mind works.

So, let's go.

How do you recognize which men

are actually just looking for a fun time and which men want a relationship?

Is there even a way to figure that out?

Be honest.

Well, it's a very good question because guys who are just looking for a fun time will often pretend that they're looking for a relationship.

And that's obviously so they can, you know,

get you in bed.

I've heard that before so many times.

Yes.

So, you know, from the very get-go, it's very difficult to tell, especially if he's like a real player and, you know, he's good at what he does.

Unfortunately, you know, it can be very tough to tell.

And, you know, believe it or not, men have the same problem with women a lot of the time.

They'll be like, you know, I really like this girl, but she just seems to want to keep things casual.

So the best thing you can do is don't listen to anything he says.

Only look at what he does.

Right.

Because his words don't matter, but his actions tell the truth.

So, you know, if you've been sleeping together, but he only sees you once a week and he's really busy with work yeah he's probably not that busy with work he's probably busy with other girls too um yeah and yeah so usually it's going to come down to like you know just recognizing the patterns if he if a guy really likes you he's going to want to see you all the time and that relationship is going to progress um you know pretty quickly within a matter of a few weeks or a month two months you know if you're not seeing each other at least two or three times per week He's probably seeing some other girls.

And unless he's just crazy busy with work or something like that.

But, you know, most of the time that's the case.

Yeah, and you're right, because even if they are super crazy busy with work, I think I learned that adults make time for what matters.

So you can be the busiest person in the world.

Everybody has 30 seconds, one minute to text, right, to say hello.

We all take lunch breaks, we all take a bathroom break.

So

there is no excuse, right?

If the person is not communicating with you,

they are treating you how they feel about you, correct?

Correct, yeah.

And if you know, almost if a guy wants to see you, he will move mountains to see you.

And if he's not doing that, well, he's probably

interested.

No, like you said, usually in the beginning, and it has happened to me before, they seem so interested and they text every day, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, then once they get what they want, which most of the time in sex, they're just like oh okay whatever so how do you protect yourself from that because sometimes the guy will talk to you for a month two months three months you go on a bunch of dates and then you have great sex and then you have great sex again and like and then all of a sudden the guy just disappears so how do you judge that there is no way right

That's really tough, you know, because some guys who are just in it for sex, you know, those are the guys I typically like to coach because I tell them, I'm like, listen, that's a really dumb way to go about it.

If you just want sex, you know, you can go to professionals for that.

Or you can be honest, because a lot of girls also want just casual sex, right?

Right.

Sure.

Yeah.

And, you know, if you're looking for that, you can find people that are also looking for that.

I agree.

You know, there's a lot of people out there.

Tinder, a lot of these dating sites, seeking arrangements.

All those sites are great for hookups.

Yes.

You know, going to bars and clubs, those sorts of things, you know, also more likely to find people for hookups.

And yeah, like if it's tough, those guys that are willing to put in like a month or two months, you know, to get sex and then they disappear, it's really hard to

really know which guys those are.

Usually if they're acting like that, they'll never introduce you to their friends or they'll, you know,

they'll just be a little bit more secretive.

Yeah.

And you won't really know what's going on.

And there's a reason for that.

They're trying to separate you from their life.

So yeah, if you feel like things are progressing, but you're not really learning much more about them and their lifestyle, that's a red flag.

I couldn't agree with you more.

And personally, and we're talking about grown men here, by the way.

We're not talking about teenagers.

We're not talking about college kids.

We're talking about adults in their late 30s, in their 40s, in their 50s.

I personally think it's super immature.

Like if you start something with someone, everybody has the right to change their mind.

But if you go on a few dates with a girl if you whether you have sex with her or not even if you do change your mind even if you don't want to see her anymore don't you think it's like super silly and immature to just disappear

i do i think ghosting is um

it's just a really immature way that shows a you know just a really bad sort of style of communication um

You know, I think if you've never met someone,

if you just met someone on Tinder or something like that, you've never met them in person, I think it's fine to ghost, right?

Like you don't know that person.

But if you've actually taken the time to meet up with them and you've spent face-to-face time, it's not hard just to say like, hey, I just don't think we're a good fit for each other.

Best of luck.

Exactly.

And if you can't do that, I think you're just kind of an asshole.

I love that one.

I agree because it has happened to so many of my girlfriends, so many of my listeners.

It has happened to me.

And I honestly do not understand adults behaving like that.

I think this is so childish.

Like you said, if you don't want the person, if you've been, especially if you've been on a bunch of dates,

you know, especially, yeah, make a two-minute phone call, send a nice message, like you said, hey, for whatever reason, I don't want to see you anymore.

I don't think we're good, but hey, I wish you the best.

So, man, you know, what do you tell men that do that?

Communicate.

Like, so, what would you say to the guys that go to people?

people?

Oh, I mean, they're just really immature.

You know,

the good thing is I believe in karma or the boomerang effect.

What goes around comes around.

I do, too.

One of these days, somebody will do the same to them.

To them.

I agree.

I completely agree with you.

Now, is there a way to identify a con artist or a major liar before you get tangled up with them?

My last guest before you was a really good friend.

She's a very successful businesswoman.

And she got tangled up on a relationship to a guy that was like a major con artist.

But by the time she found out, she was already in a relationship with him.

My first job at a university, I ended up working for two guys who were raps against the Italian mafia.

And they had fake names.

It was for a

investment company like Penny Stocks.

And I lost a bunch of money my friends and family lost a bunch of money so I've had unfortunately had quite a bit of experience dealing with con men and con artists

and the thing that and even when it comes to business or dating they're all the same

when you ask for personal details or when you ask to get to know them and a background check they'll be weird about it

They'll be like, oh, I'm kind of private or I'm kind of this.

And it's always like they're hiding something.

You know, if someone wants to know anything about me, I'm an open book.

Here's, you know, here's everything you need to know.

I have nothing to hide.

Go for it.

Like, and I appreciate people that do that due diligence.

But people that are hiding something, they'll be weird about it.

They'll be shifty about it.

If you ask them about their past or you ask them about like their social media presence or if you try to Google them and you can't find anything, there's a reason for that.

You know, everyone's Google-ableable these days.

You can't find someone on Google or Facebook or Instagram.

There's something shady going on.

I completely agree.

There is some sort of information about someone out there somehow.

I'm not sure the social media is enough because a lot of people lie on social media.

They come up with all kinds of stories.

And this guy was one of them that my friend was dating.

His social media was fabulous and everything else was a lie.

But I agree, you can Google the person's name.

If they're a business person, they're on LinkedIn.

So you think it's completely okay when you start dating someone to ask them.

Can I check you out?

What can I find out about you?

It's not rude at all.

Well, I would just do it.

You know, I would just Google them or do a do a little bit of research yourself.

And if you can't find anything, right?

That's, that's when I would think of it as a red flag.

And then as time went on and things got a little bit more serious and, you know, we were, you know, spending a lot more time together, then I might ask, like, listen, I really like you and I like where things are going, but there's something that's bothering me and I need to ask you about it.

Is that okay?

And of course, they'll probably say yes.

And I'll be like, listen, you know,

I don't really know who you are.

Like, for all I know, like, you could be, you seem awesome.

But I've unfortunately dealt with some people in the past that have turned out to be hiding things and totally not who they say they were.

And I don't, I'm not willing to fall victim to that situation again.

So

do your due diligence.

Nowadays, there is no excuse.

We have the right to know who we are dating.

I completely agree with you.

And if they, if they get upset about that, that's

red flag.

Yes.

Now, do you think most men are intimidated by women with strong personalities, women that have these types of jobs like me, social media, photos, podcasts,

modeling, et cetera, et cetera?

Or that's a myth?

Yes, it's definitely not a myth.

It's for sure.

Men are very intimidated by women who are powerful, beautiful, successful.

You know,

just like just like anyone, you know, there's most of the guys out there aren't nearly as confident as they seem.

A lot of the time, the best-looking, kind of handsome guys are the most insecure about their looks, and they have all sorts of confidence issues.

And those guys come to me all the time.

And, you know, I've even worked with celebrities who have a lot of insecurities and

confidence issues.

So,

yeah, like

they're definitely intimidated and it's a good way to weed people up because if a guy's really intimidated by you he's probably not going to act very confident which means you're probably not going to be very attracted to him um and that should just make you feel good as an individual because it's like listen i've done all this work to make myself um you know an awesome person and if people are intimidated by that then really they just see the gap between where they are and where they feel that you are yeah and you know that's their problem

successful guy like i said sometimes it can be a celebrity or the guy makes a lot of money.

But when they see a woman that works, that does all these things and takes photos and does social media, I notice and a lot of my friends notice, they shut down or they go away or they have the wrong image of you.

And you said, yeah, it's not a myth.

So how do we go around it?

How do you find...

Well, I think that's

there's no way to really go around it.

You just have to wait for the guys to show up that are confident enough to not be intimidated.

So they do exist.

They exist for sure.

They exist.

You know, they're just harder to find, of course.

So,

you know,

online dating is tough.

I think online dating is filled with a lot of people with the most insecurities.

Typically, people who are who have a lot of confidence and who have a lot of friends are very social.

They meet people through their friends or through events or parties or blah, blah, blah.

Instagram, I don't really count as online dating even though it's the biggest online dating site out there, unofficially.

But you know, you can definitely meet people through there as well.

But if you're if you're like really looking for someone high quality, I always tell people to stop looking online, stop looking on Tinder and you know try to do more things that they like doing.

Try to get out.

Obviously it's tough given the pandemic depending on where you are.

But the more of a social life you can live, the more likely you'll meet someone cool.

Yes.

now hopefully hopefully things are getting back to normal that we can actually start going out there and socializing because i agree with you i personally don't like dating apps i think it's awkward and like you said a lot of people out there are just so flaky it's not the best idea in the world now any advice for single women out there that well i know you just gave one don't date so much through dating apps and go do social things but is there anything else you say for people

both men and women out there who are trying to find a nice serious mature committed relationship what would you tell these people including me what should we do that maybe we're not doing

well the first thing i always tell all my clients it's like you will attract the type of energy you're also putting out there, right?

I feel like we're just kind of mirrors walking around.

And whoever sees himself in your mirror, there there will be an attraction there so the first thing to do is is look at yourself and look to see like okay are there any things that i can improve about myself clean up about myself are there ways that i'm behaving that i'm disappointed in myself with should i be spending more time in the gym or should i fix that you know whatever it is that giving me a little bit of insecurity so i say first like focus on you you know and like get to a point where you feel really good about yourself yes and you feel like i deserve that thing that i want and then you will literally put that energy out there.

And that will, that will come shining back.

And like for me, I remember for the longest time, I was chubby and overweight.

And I just had a lot of insecurities around that.

And, you know, people said, oh, looks don't matter, blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, yeah, that's true, but they don't matter unless they don't matter to you.

And they really did matter to me.

But after I lost the weight, I felt like, you know, a thousand bucks.

And I went out there.

My dating life.

radically improved because of Mike, not because I like, you can succeed if you're overweight, but you have to not actually care about it so work on your insecurities work on the things that bother you

and then surround yourself with people that are looking for the same things you are you know like if if you're hanging out with people and you know basically like show me your friends I'll show you your future so if all your friends are like married boring people in relationships and you're single you're probably gonna have a hard time meeting a lot of people right so find some other cool single friends that are kind of in your sort of lifestyle go out with them, do things with them, and you'll start to, you know, the bigger group of people, you're going to attract more people to you.

Yeah.

So true.

Yeah.

So first take care of ourselves, our self-esteem, our life, and then hopefully you find somebody out there that appreciates you and has the same energy level as you.

Perfect.

Now, do you think that's a question I get a lot?

I want to see your opinion.

Is it true if we have sex too soon?

Like you're dating someone you go on one date the second date is great you're like oh I want to have sex with this person does that mean the man will not respect us and he'll think oh it's it was too easy with her I don't want anything serious with her or this is a myth

that's a really tough one

it is of course

it really depends on the guy

You know, I've seen some relationships that worked out when the people got together, you know, based based on like

the first night they hooked up and they ended up together.

And I've also seen some relationships work where, you know, the guy had to wait six months.

I can say in general, you know, guys like to hunt.

They like to chase.

So if it feels like it's just way too easy,

maybe that's a reason for that.

But also...

you know from a from a woman's perspective like you don't want to be playing too many games and you don't want to you don't want to withhold sex just because you think that's the only thing that'll make him interesting.

Right, I know.

It shouldn't be like a bargaining chip, right?

It should be, I think it should happen when it's natural.

And like you said, if the guy's an asshole, I don't really think it matters if you're going to have sex on the second date or the fifth date.

He's going to be an asshole, right?

And if he likes you and the sex is great, he's still going to like you, right?

Yeah, exactly.

If the guy's a jerk and he's just looking for sex, hey, he might wait and he might like put in those two months to get it.

it and then he'll disappear the same as if he would have disappeared after the first date.

So I don't think it really matters a whole lot, but you know, it's just whatever feels right to you and when that when that moment is right.

Yeah.

You know, so there is no rule, no rule.

Yeah.

So do you think you've been doing this a long time?

I have had guy friends tell me that what I'm looking for and what a lot of my friends are looking for, I'm an old-fashioned romantic.

I was married for 14 years.

I like relationships.

I don't judge anybody at all, but I'm not big on casual sex, hookups.

People think I am because they misread my social media.

They see my photos.

They think, oh, this girl is a crazy party girl, but I'm not.

I'm a major relationship person.

I like the whole thing of, you know, having a relationship, planning dates, planning vacations, blah, blah, blah.

So I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm also always, always hoping hoping that there is love and there is romance and there's everlasting love.

So a lot of my male friends tell me, forget it, you're crazy, you're looking for something that is completely dead.

All men cheat, all men are liars, just enjoy.

You know, you're crazy.

This is something that doesn't exist anymore.

So my question to you, you're a man and you're an expert in the subject.

Is romance, commitment, nice, serious relationships a dream of the past, or you think they're still possible?

Well, no, I don't think it's definitely, I think it exists for sure.

I'm kind of proof of that.

I was the biggest player you'd ever met or had ever met, and now I'm in a monogamous relationship, and I have been for about nine months.

And I think the problem that most singles kind of see out there is, you know, when

you don't really hear about the people in monogamous relationships because they're just, right, they're not talking about it they're just living their life and yeah probably having a very peaceful nice normal life right so they're not talking about it but what you're seeing on social media is damn blazarian parties girls um you know crazy this crazy that people being photographed in dubai on balconies naked right like all this crazy shit so we're we see that because it's loud but that doesn't mean the other stuff isn't doesn't exist um and when it comes for a woman if they're trying to find a guy like it's actually best to find a guy who's done a bunch of crazy shit before and then he's probably like he's done it he's been there he's over it and he's ready for something more stable yeah um that's that's why i think older guys dating younger women um typically have a little bit better chance because most young guys they haven't kind of gotten to sow their wild oats and they haven't gotten all that sexual crazy stuff out of their system where they want something more stable and long-term and committed.

You know, it wasn't until I turned like 38 where I was interested in like having kids and a family and having a more like stable, normal life.

I had like many, many years where I just wanted to play and be crazy.

And that's, that's fine.

That's good.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

It's just important as a guy to understand like, okay, if I need that.

it's totally fine to go and do that and have those experiences and as a girl if you meet a guy and they're still it's clear that they're still like looking for that it's like okay listen that's fine you go do that and i'll wait for someone else to come along who's more on the same page yeah but you know now

um at least i noticed because me and my friends were like on the same age group and most of us have already been married once there are a lot of guys in their late 40s and early 50s at this point in their life they're super successful so they're making great money many of them look good they take care of themselves then they tell us like we were saying in the beginning oh i want a relationship i want a girlfriend blah blah blah but after a while turns out they just wanted sex or they just wanted to play and they're like enjoying life all over again so that's that's a variation too because now these men are are just they want to enjoy life you know and and they lie that they know a lot of guys who already have children and they've already had a family and they've kind of done that and now they're divorced and they're single and they look good and they're rich and they just want to go out there and kind of make up for the time that they missed maybe when they were in their 20s or early 30s.

And yeah, those guys

are definitely the ones to look out for because odds are if they have a family and kids and they're like out of that, like they've already done that, they might not be looking for that again.

So, like, look for a guy who hasn't done that stuff and who's wanting to have that experience.

We just need to shift, sift through the mess and the players and the chaos

until you find the right one.

But I like that you said that romance and committed relationships are not dead, so hope is alive.

Good.

So, Robbie, how do people so do you coach online if somebody's interested in your work?

I do.

I have a lot of different options.

I build custom coaching packages for people who are interested.

Great.

How do they find you?

Can they send a message on your Instagram?

Instagram works great.

Your Instagram is Robbie Kramer, right?

Or you can go to my website.

That's innerinerconfidence.com, and you can send me a message through Instagram or through my site and get in touch, and we can figure it out.

Great.

Thank you so much.

I can't believe time went by so fast.

We're like approaching the end of our half hour.

You're amazing.

You have so much great information, very rich.

I know I'm going to get...

dozens of questions for you.

So maybe if you're game, you can come back for the beginning of the third season and answer all the questions that people are going to send.

I'd love to.

This is a lot of fun.

The time flew by.

Yes.

Yeah, thank you so much.

I really, really appreciate your insight.

And

I think

the message of this episode is don't ignore the red flags.

If a guy is not sending you messages, if a guy, like you've said, quote unquote, is too busy with work, they don't care about you.

They're doing something else, right?

Because everybody finds time for for people that they care about, correct?

Agree.

Totally.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, this was amazing, Robbie Kramer.

I really appreciate your time.

Thanks a lot.

See you soon.

Appreciate it.