RECURRING GUEST EXPERT APRIL DAVIS

Hi, guys.

Happy Wednesday.

Today I'm here with my recurring expert guest, April Davis.

She's the owner and founder of Luma Luxury Matchmaking.

For you guys that are new to this podcast, April has been coming every month.

She owns Luma, which is one of the top, top, if not the best, matchmaking company in the entire United States.

And she's an expert in the subject.

So she's here to answer more questions that you guys have been sending me about the world of dating and relationships.

Hi, April.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

Thank you so much for doing this.

Yeah, well, thanks for having me.

So, um, we got this week, we've been getting a lot of questions about first dates and the world of dating online.

I picked a few that you haven't answered before, so let's jump right on it because we always have so much.

Um,

after a great first date

is it is it really true that the woman should wait for the guy to call and plan a second date is it still taboo that a girl cannot send a message say hey I really like you let's go out again

I definitely think that in this day and age, women need to go after what they want.

And even

in the past, they have, you know, if you think about I've talked about this before that women you know in the past they would drop their handkerchiefs so the guy could help for them and you know

so ladies you need to make it easy for the guy and maybe help nudge him along a little bit because men are afraid of being perceived as a creeper

and

they're also you know they don't want to maybe they're not sure about how you feel so it's good to you know open the door and you don't want to appear desperate of course, but you there's nothing wrong with showing that you have confidence and you're not afraid to go after what you want.

But can you basically say send him a message like hi

I really like you.

Do you want to go on another date?

Do you want to plan on like straightforward?

Okay, I wouldn't say it like that.

I would I would say hey, I really like you.

No, I would say something like, you may want to grab coffee or

do you plan on Friday and let's grab coffee and let's grab dinner something like that so it is completely okay for the woman to take that step

absolutely i think she should if she in this day and age women should absolutely go after what they want and if you don't somebody else

because the women a lot of guys that are um the kind of guys that women want

they're used to finding them and

pursuing them.

So they kind of get lazy and

they're not the ones that are going to be be really aggressive and pursuing other women.

Unless they're somewhat of a player or something.

So I would, you know, I would make it, you can just make a suggestion like, hey, let's grab dinner on Friday.

Like, you're showing interest.

And if you're taking initiative, you're confident enough in yourself that you can suggest.

You are, you're not asking them out, you're suggesting that you do go out.

I really like that answer.

It shows like you're hesitant and it shows insecurity a little bit, it's more like, hey, you're just, you're saying like, let's do this.

Like, of course you want to hang out with me.

Let's do it, you know?

So, and

don't ask the questions like, hey, do you like me?

Is there not with you?

The answer is no.

No, it's like, let's get together and let's do this.

I love your answer, which goes right into the next question.

I have a guy friend.

And he keeps telling me that men are hunters.

Men like to come after you and they're the ones that like to pursue and they don't like women that, oh, hi, let's have dinner.

Let's do the, they want to do the pursuing.

So the question is, is it true that they're hunters?

And if a girl is a little more straightforward, like you just suggested, and tries to make the plans, they're always going to get scared off.

Some men, and I think some men that are really strong hunters are also players because they're really good at it.

You know, and they can, they go after women, they get a lot of women, they're not afraid to go after women.

So you have to ask yourself, is that the kind of guy that you want?

You know, and you have to,

you know, why is he so good at this?

Well, because he does it a lot.

So,

you know, you want maybe the guy that is a little bit more reserved, the shy guy, or, you know, the one that isn't.

running around chasing women asking you know being the hunter and and chasing after

those are a lot of times the good ones that really do want a serious committed relationship if they're not ones that are off you know being

with a lot of different women so yeah there's there's some great um potentials there and any guy that and quite frankly a guy that doesn't like a woman that um goes after what she wants sounds to me like he's figured and you know he needs a woman that is just gonna be like oh yeah i'll do whatever you tell me to do and um let you you know do whatever you want you know that and that there's a plate those guys they like more like a submissive type woman, maybe, and, you know, someone that is just going to do what he wants them to do.

And, you know, that everybody has their type.

Everybody has their person.

So maybe that's, you know, the kind of person that's good for them.

So there's no perfect, I mean, there's no right way and there's no blanket answer for all of these scenarios.

It always depends on the person and their, you know, personality.

Like, yeah, the full, you know, just the entire scenario.

You have to take it case by case and and it depends on what you want, ultimately.

Absolutely.

So,

say that, oh, yeah, just wait there for a guy to come and find you.

No, you're going to be waiting forever.

And I mean, I know I would.

I actually, when I met my husband, we met in a more controlled setting, and we're just,

he was actually the attorney for one of my friends.

And then eventually,

I got to talking to him in a more personal level.

And then I asked him if he wanted to get a coffee.

And then,

you invited your husband out first.

Yep, I invited him to go grab coffee.

And then after that, he pursued it.

So I opened the door.

But it was more mutual than both of us were like, yeah,

let's do this.

You know, we're always doing stuff.

I wasn't just like, no, you have to ask me every time.

Just do what's natural, you know, what feels natural that that makes sense I love that answer and this same guy I have a two male friends they keep telling me and I know a lot of your clients are men

they're single yeah a lot of

a lot of your clients are men but a lot of men out there are looking for romance and long-term relationships right April because these these two friends they keep telling me no romance is dead nobody wants that anymore every man is a player we will tell you whatever you want to listen because basically we want to end up in bed with you and i said wait a minute i don't want to believe that romance is dead i want to believe that some guys out there still are looking for a serious relationship right

of course i mean there's lots of people that are married and

looking for marriage and they want a serious committed relationship.

You have to consider the source, you know, and the type of person that you're talking to.

Yeah.

And what

so Miami is known as the worst place for dating in the world.

I hate to say it, or it's best in the United States.

And I think of it as it's kind of like the Las Vegas with a beach, you know?

A lot of people are there, they're just targeting and hanging out, you know, and hooking up, and they're not necessarily

you know, looking for a serious committed relationship.

Those are the people that are in that scene.

Now, there are millions of of people in miami not everybody is in that scene not everybody has that lifestyle and wants they'll want those same kinds of things yes there is a there's a lot of it there's a lot of tourists there's a lot of that energy and everything but not every that way and so if you're somebody that wants a relationship probably get out of that scene you know hang out with people that are connecting don't be looking for love in that scene because that's not where you're going to find it there are plenty of other people that you can connect with and have similar values and similar goals in life that you do yeah and you just got to find your right people

like i said there's millions of people there of course you'll you'll be finding somebody that has the right the right idea

but it's the ones that the noisy ones get the attention and most of the people that are

they have the flashy cars they're just you know all looking for yeah

absolutely

yeah and you're just i mean they're talking about one location which is, just happens to be like the party central location.

Yeah, especially right now, you would think there is no COVID whatsoever if you were down here this week.

I love your answers.

So is there a way?

There's a name for those kinds of guys, but

there is.

What is it?

What is it?

There's a name for those guys like that, by the way.

I can't.

It starts with an S and ends with a boy, so I'll let you figure it out.

It starts with an S and ends with

an F.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we can make this episode X-rated if you want.

You can say whatever you want.

I love April's answers.

So the next one, a lot of girls sent this next question.

Over 20 girls sent the same question.

Is there a way to spot?

someone who is lying to you and about their intentions and about their life when you meet them.

Is there

well I mean you could you know study FBI and tell your stuff you know figure out if somebody's lying to you right off the bat but I always just go with the

just like the mindset that trust but verify right you always should yeah they don't take okay they told you they're this and that but you gotta verify do your homework and we'll you know check references and

you know make sure that everything lines up because yeah you can't just know right off the bat.

Some people are always really good.

Some people believe their lies and

can't know really what is the truth.

That's why I'm so adamant.

You need to know someone and date somebody for at least a year before you get married.

You don't know someone.

And I think it said, I saw something that said like, I can't remember if it was three or six years before you really, really do know somebody well.

And,

you know, and also like, just look at a lot of times history is a good idea of what's going to happen in the future you know under

okay if somebody cheated on their spouse in the past

oh a rod for example you know this is a hot topic recently you know then it

you know that's probably a good indicator of how they're going to be in the future and or you can and people do change people learn from their mistakes so what what did they do what did they go through because i have met people yeah they cheated on their toes and they

felt horrible about it and went through a lot of therapy and self-reflection and you know exploration and

they broke them since then so it's not always you know indicative that they're going to do the same thing in the future but you know people either they're either cheaters or liars or they're not a lot of times absolutely i completely agree with you now um next

question

again this is i think i got over 50 girls this week and last week asking this question.

Sex.

It's still a taboo subject for most people

to talk about sex.

Is it taboo to talk about sex with your date?

How long should we wait to have sex?

A lot of girls, they send this question: well, but I really like the guy.

I went on one date.

Do I really have to play the game and wait, wait, wait?

what if i want to have sex with him so what do you say about this

if you like him then and you want him to be around and stick around then absolutely you need to wait because guess what he's into you and he will like you for about as long as you hold up because as soon as you do have sex that shininess that you know the mystery and

excitement it will wear off and then you're left with whatever's there so it's important to have a relationship established, a real true bond and connection established before you take that next step and get into the physical.

Women and men are very different.

I mean, how they connect, how they relate.

If you don't understand this, then I suggest you get out some books.

There's a lot of great books and articles out there about how women connection and everything, and how they're so different between men and women.

And like, just even Men Are from Honors and Women Are From Venus is a classic that I think everybody needs to read.

But I always say I think you should date somebody or at least

or having sex with them if you want the relationship to last.

And I know people are like, oh my god, I so long.

No, it's not because at that point you actually think you've done your due diligence.

You know enough about them to know if their story is legit and

you have that true connection and you know you're talking every day, you have a real relationship.

You know, you're you're not just jumping with each other because as soon as you do, like, ladies,

that's your ultimate,

that's your card.

That's like, that's your king.

So, as soon as you give that up, now you're last, basically, you're blessed, the thing that you had that you were holding out, that you wanted, you know, so much, you've given it up.

You're like, he's amazing.

But so, you're saying, if you had a fantastic first date and you really like this guy and you've been talking for months, don't have sex on the the second date, period.

Make him wait, no,

yes, make him wait.

Yeah, no, I don't not think you should have sex on this on the second date, or in especially on the first date.

If you want to have an onboarding relationship, if you just want to hook up with somebody, then hook up with them.

But I can almost, it's going to be very rare that a guy is going to want to stick around.

For real?

That is really, I mean, if it's a guy that really into and you really like, you just,

I just, I think that that newness wears off.

Our bodies, okay, humans and not just humans, animals, we're created to mate.

Like our brain, chemistry, everything changes.

So we, we don't see the red flags.

We just, it's like our, whatever hormones are making us want to have sex and have sex.

So

as soon as you take that away and you don't, they don't, they don't feel that anymore because they've done it, then breathless whatever's there the hormone has diminished and they have to want to be around you for something more than just the sex so you want to make sure that you have an aesthetic relationship in place and a connection and they actually enjoy spending time with you it's not just the physical that they're going after i see so

i know you know miami is definitely a fast town people don't hold off at all but that bunny if you want a long-term committed relationship you need to hold on and not have sex especially on the second date so how long do you suggest that we wait

a month

two two months two months no sex

but that's like how many days

well i was just going to say yeah it depends on the type of relationship and the connection you have to and and the person right you want to make sure you know who they are and you want to make sure that that you have a real connection.

So if you're talking to them pretty much every other, you know, every day or every other day, if you're texting at least and you're seeing each other often, I think in two months, you have a pretty solid separate relationship.

It's pretty clear.

And you know each other pretty well at that point.

And it's been romantic.

It's been fun.

There's so much.

Everything's been so built up.

And that's the time you really need to enjoy that time because that is so fun and and the beginning phase of a relationship and you know it's the build up they expect what is always the best part because as soon as that's done as soon as you do take you know go and have sex then what you're left with is you know it's not that diminishes it's not as exciting so you want to make sure that you have again you want to make sure you have an established relationship in place before you take that final leap and you know take the next leap take the next

and that that leads us to the final question

it's interesting that you said that make sure you have established relationship

how do we do that

how do you know about moving from dating casually casually to having an exclusive relationship is it always the man that decides that how do you know is the guy gonna tell you all that's gay

It's this really crazy, obsolete thing that you wouldn't believe it.

It's called communication.

Communication.

But who makes this communication?

It's always the guy that tells you.

No.

No.

Okay.

It's having a conversation and figuring out, okay, where you're at.

And I think there's nothing wrong with telling someone, even on the first date, this is what I want.

This is who I am.

This is what I'm looking for.

If you are just, you know, looking to hook up and then, you know,

sorry, I don't, let's not waste each other's time.

Let's go, let's move in different directions.

So, I think that, yeah, if you're determining if you have an established relationship, I think it's not, I think you should, you know, talk about it up front and tell them, okay, this is ultimately,

I don't know if I want to have a relationship with you or not.

I'm just kidding to know you, but I'm just telling you, like, this is what I'm looking for.

I'm not a hookup girl.

I'm not going to have sex on the first, second, third, fourth, like 10th date.

You've been,

I am, you know, looking for something serious long term, so let's not waste each other's time.

And then, you know, when you're, you're moving along and you get to a point where you feel like you, you know, are close, you feel like it is a relationship, you can talk about it.

You can talk about it along the way.

And that's something that is so crazy to me is that people are willing to get very vulnerable and, you know, they're willing to get naked.

and have sex, you know, at the moment when you're letting somebody inside of you, literally, but they're not willing to communicate what they're feeling and what they're thinking.

They're willing to be naked physically, but the most important thing, which is the mental issue and communicating.

But

now, a lot of girls say to you, they would ask you, but men lie.

They lie.

They will tell you, oh, I also want to have a relationship and I adore you, da, da, da, da, da, because they want to get you to bed.

So, what do you say to them?

Are they going to lie and wait for two months?

That's why again you need to do, you need to hold off.

You need to, you know, do your due diligence, do your homework, you know, check references.

You know, make sure you're checking the story.

Make sure it's legit or hers.

You know, there's a lot of women out there that will say whatever to do.

Wow.

I love your answer.

You are amazing.

And we are out of time.

And I know the girls are going to go crazy to ask you more questions.

I know you're not a sex therapist, but I get tons of these questions about to have sex, when not to have sex, da da da da.

So, if you're okay with it, we can do our next episode about these taboo things and how girls should behave and how guys behave, da da da, because we've been getting tons of questions for you.

All right, Laurie,

thank you, April.

Until next time,

bye-bye.

This is Karen Deluze, and I'll talk to you guys soon.

Bye, guys.