SECOND INTERVIEW WITH DIANA MANDELL - dating & Relationships Expert

Hi guys, this is Kat on the Loose, and last week I interviewed relationship expert Diana Mandel.

We got so many questions while I was interviewing her and afterwards.

Apparently, this is a subject that the entire world wants to know about and needs help with.

So she was kind enough to agree and be here live via Zoom so we can do part two,

and she can answer a few more questions.

All of the questions today were sent by people that were listening to our first interview.

So, that's super cool.

Not one of the questions is mine.

So, hi, Diana.

Hi, thanks for having me.

Thank you so much for doing this again.

Let's jump right on it.

So, see if we can answer all the ones that I put on our schedule, okay?

Yeah, let's do it.

All right.

So, the first one: do you think a person would change their behavior for another person in order to make a relationship work?

So I think it depends.

I think a person should and will change their behavior based on basically for growth purposes, right?

But you want to do it for yourself to be a better version of yourself.

You don't want to do it to please your partner.

Because if you do that, it's not going to be lasting and you're going to end up really resentful because you feel like you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

So if you feel that it's something that you feel like you can grow upon, it's something you can work through, and your partner agrees, and it's something that you feel you can do for yourself and that it's for you and for your benefit, obviously your partner would obviously be part of the benefit too, you know, to feel some of that change, but it really has to come from you where the desire is there for you.

It's so interesting that you said that because resentment is a really important word here.

If we change too much

to please someone maybe in the beginning it sounds like a great idea but eventually you're gonna say like oh my god why did I do that right

exactly and you don't want to get into a relationship on either end feeling like you need to change the person.

If you really feel like that's the case, then find someone else.

You know what I mean?

That's not the person for you.

Yeah.

Because often we do like a square peg, round hole type of thing where it's close.

You know, we're trying to shove the puzzle piece in, you know, to make it fit, but it just doesn't work.

So sometimes we need to know when to cut bait and other times when it feels like you know there's improvement that you know can be made on both ends such a good point actually one of my girlfriends asked me it's kind of the same question but she was like how about changing the let's say a man doesn't like going out the personality and i love going out do you think a lot of girls insist on that oh he'll change for me oh he'll do something that i like

or or even the other way around the guy goes out every night and he's a womanizer.

Oh, no, but you love me, he changed from me.

Do you think that's possible?

Or we're just wasting our time trying to do that?

You know, it depends.

I think, you know, sometimes there can be compromise that can happen.

So, let's say, you know, you love to go out and I don't.

So, maybe it's go out a few times a week.

So, it's a little less than you want and a little more than what I want, but it's compromise.

But you also have to look at who are you asking, and are they able to give you what you need?

Yeah.

So, if it's something that's just way too far out of, you know, left field where it's just not their lifestyle, not their preference, and it's not necessarily a good fit.

That's why opposites sometimes attract and opposites sometimes don't attract.

It depends on sort of what we're talking about, but it's either compromise or it's not a good fit.

Yeah, makes a lot of sense.

Now, here's a tough one:

why do men who are in happy, committed relationships cheat?

Sure.

So, men generally cheat because something is missing and it could be on their end.

It's not necessarily towards the woman.

And generally, it's more of an emotional thing than it is a physical.

But there are several reasons.

It could be that he doesn't feel good enough and so he's looking for validation.

It could be abuse from the past related to kind of attachment and intimacy type of issues.

It could be just pure selfishness.

It can be something that's missing in his relationship that he doesn't feel that he can communicate.

And so it's easier to just kind kind of find something that's easy it can be impulsiveness so there are several reasons why that could be the case um

and it can be related to him or it can be related to the relationship or both but that's you know it's a tough answer but that's sort of some of the reasons why

do you think once a cheater always a cheater or a cheater can actually cheat and change and say oh I'm now I'm not going to cheat again.

I'm going to commit to this person.

So no, I don't don't think one's a cheater, always a cheater, but I do feel that until the issue is resolved, whether it relates to the relationship themselves or just the person individually, whatever the problem that led to the cheating, if that's not resolved and dealt with and honesty isn't present, let's say, in the situation and that you're not getting help for it,

that's a problem.

You know, it's going to lead to the same behavior.

So something needs to change.

So it's possible that cheating doesn't happen again, but you really have to get to the root cause and solve it.

And until then, it's probably going to happen again at some point.

If it's not, you know, very soon, it will be down the road and that's a problem.

That's interesting.

I have a lot of friends and I think most women are like that.

If a husband cheats or a boyfriend cheats and they find out, they think that's the end.

Oh, I'm not going to forgive him.

I'm going to kill him.

I am more like a person that I think we're all humans and,

you know, men tend to do that.

I would be more forgiving I've been more forgiving in the past and my girlfriends think that I'm crazy what is your opinion that we should try to work it out if it happens to us or if you catch somebody doing something bad you might as well just let go

so I think it depends on the situation was this the first time something happened were they being really open and honest about it were they allowing you to ask questions as opposed to getting defensive do they want to work on the relationship you know are they getting to the root cause of the issue because oftentimes seeing a relationship expert someone like me it's a great idea to do that because you want to understand what happened why did it happen how can this be prevented you know there's some root cause some reason generally we don't just sort of go out cheating to cheat right there's some you know impetus some something behind it, right?

Some purpose behind it, whether it relates again to the relationship itself or to the person, but it has to be dealt with.

So, I don't, I think it's possible to be in a relationship with someone and you know, possibly take them back.

But again, there's work to be done.

It's not just go back to the way things were and expect things to change.

That's where the issue, you know, comes into play.

It's like, you know, after a week or two, he's in the doghouse and then it's all back to the same.

You know, that's a problem.

You know, he doesn't really feel the consequences to his actions.

You know, there's no real talk about what happened, why it happened, right?

So it's sort of cause and effect super interesting that you said that and it's interesting you said something to me that i never heard before we kind of gotta pay attention as to how the other person reacts like if they cheat and they want to work on it or they feel bad about it so it's not just about us maybe it's more like about how we communicate and why they did it that's such a good point Absolutely.

Thanks.

Now, here is a question that a bunch of my friends sent together.

I have all these friends.

They're very beautiful.

They're all perfect Barbies.

They're very successful.

They're ultra intelligent.

They make a lot of money.

They basically have their shit together.

Pardon my French.

And they've been single for a long time.

One of them is divorced.

The other ones have never even been married.

And they've been trying to...

be in a committed relationship for a long time for a few years now they try and try and try to find the right partner and nothing works.

So they're asking, you know, do you have any idea why?

So that's actually part of my job is figuring out, you know, what the issue is because it's not an accident, you know, that it's like that.

I think oftentimes we think, you know, it's just kind of a weird thing.

It's not, you know, something is keeping you stuck.

And my job is to figure out what it is.

So it can be a number of things.

You know, one is not feeling good enough.

Other times it's looking at past relationships and having sort of future men pay for some of those past relationships and kind of closing yourself off.

Sometimes we don't even realize if we have certain sort of mantras or beliefs about love that let's say, you know, all men, like we just said, you know, cheat or, you know, I'm just going to get my heart broken.

So there's, you know, different sort of like languages and ideas that we have in our head about what love is and what love isn't.

And we can kind of speak in absolutes.

And what ends up happening is we kind of handicapped ourselves.

So it's something that we want so badly, but sometimes it can be a little bit of neediness.

So we're kind of pushing to make something happen.

And I would say lastly, probably one of the biggest things that I see with really successful win who, again, as you said,

really have their stuff together are really successful.

A lot of the clients that I have are the real main issue is being in your masculine, a whole separate topic.

But, you know, often when you're super successful and, you know, kind of Tai Bay and have your stuff together, and, you know, there's a certain part of you that is needed in the business world, but it's very much kind of the opposite in your personal world and so it can feel very difficult to kind of almost like switch on and switch off certain parts of yourself in different situations so oftentimes we're not you know as let's say like warm and nurturing and welcoming you know to a man and we can feel sort of very closed off and you know um almost like just you know not like in our feminine energy do you know what i mean and almost kind of push men away without even realizing it because men really love that kind of feminine nurturing side yeah that makes a lot of sense but so in this case as what would you suggest that i guess therapy is one way right talking to a professional like you

and what else

So that's something that I definitely recommend, even if just short term, to be able to kind of, you know, pick up on certain sort of tips and techniques.

A lot of times I would want to rule out, is it just more of the kind of femininity type of stuff?

But why are you more masculine?

And oftentimes, we're kind of more controlling that way.

You know, I tend to be, you know, that way.

I've definitely worked on, you know, my softness.

But most women who are successful are kind of like MMs, or we're hard on the outside, but we're all mush on the inside.

Yeah.

So it's more about figuring out, like, where did that hardness come from?

You know, was it past relationships?

Was it our parents?

Was it abuse?

Was it trauma?

You know, what was it that sort of caused us to close off like that?

And, you know, it kind of is like a man's world in a way.

So I think we, to be successful, feel like we have to be sort of almost masculine, you know, at work to almost like compensate, you know what I mean, for being a woman.

But we want to shut that off when it comes to our personal life.

So one thing that's really helpful is journaling.

And just, you know, checking in with yourself and allowing yourself to not be sort of perfect all the time, right?

And expecting so much of ourselves.

We can be so unkind to ourselves, yet so kind to our friends.

We have so much patience and love and respect, right?

For them, but yet we're so hard on ourselves.

So I think a lot of times it's checking in with yourself, you know, in terms of what your emotions are and kind of, you know, journaling and tapping into that and learning about yourself and, you know, why are you so closed, closed off?

What happened at some point in your life to kind of turn you off like that?

Makes so much sense.

Yeah.

In my case, when I started writing my blog and actually writing the stories that were happening to me, I started realizing like, oh my God, there's a pattern, you know?

And then it helped me look at the story and figure out that I was always attracting this nasty man, abusive man, and accepting it.

They were mean to me, that were screaming at me.

So it made me at least, I don't know exactly what I want,

but I know what I don't want.

You know, I know at least how to break the habit of just accepting toxic behavior around me.

So, yeah, writing helps a lot for sure.

And yeah, in my case, the podcast helps a lot because we're talking to so many people every day, and you start figuring out what the problems are.

That's amazing.

So,

jealousy-that's one huge issue in relationships.

Some of my friends complain that the men are super jealous, and a lot of my male friends

they break up with the girls because they're like, oh my god, this girl is a psycho.

I can't even have a man friend, I can even talk to a girlfriend.

Um, is it good in small doses, or when is it too much?

So, it actually is healthy in small doses, and the reason why is because it kind of allows or even drives you and your partner to kind of be almost like you know your best, knowing that you and your partner are desirable and attractive, right?

So, it actually is a really good thing in small doses.

Where it becomes a problem is when that sort of tips over and becomes a larger issue and a sort of constant issue, and that generally comes from insecurity on someone's part.

But the question becomes, is it insecurity on your part or is it insecurity coming from your partner that some of their actions or words caused you to feel that way or both?

Right.

So it's like, what's the root cause of the jealousy?

And then you can start looking at, you know, how to work through it.

Is it me and my own stuff?

Or did you sort of help me, you know, become and sort of trigger that sort of thought or idea so you kind of need to figure that out first and then you can basically solve the issue do you think a person who is extremely jealous can change can learn how to control it

i do and i think a lot of it relates to internally what's going on your own dialogue were you cheated on before did you feel not good enough or not chosen was there abandonment issues when you were a child so it really comes back to just learning where the jealousy and insecurity comes from and again you know uh taking care of that through action steps through therapy and through you know talking about where it comes from and learning about it because if you don't know where it comes from how do you solve it yeah that's so learning that and then coping mechanisms um if it is on your own you know side of things as opposed to your partner if it's your partner that's causing you to feel that way probably the best route is to do a relationship therapy and figure out you know what's going on there sounds sounds great makes a lot of sense now do you have one great advice for these single girls um what is the best way that you think i don't know if your clients ask you this question too um

where to meet people or how to meet people the right way.

I know we talked a little bit before about Tinder.

I had a male guest, one of my friends, a few days ago, and I actually asked him, do you think Tinder is a good idea?

And he was like, no, I think most men on Tinder, honestly, just want quick sex they don't want a relationship so a few of my friends said well if we're not doing on whether it's tinder or another relationship app do you have what do you recommend

yeah so I think you know I don't think everyone on dating apps you know tinder or not are there to have sex some are obviously but some are not

just like anywhere else that you go you're gonna meet people who are you know interested in a relationship and some people that are interested in seeing you naked and some people who obviously want you know both and most of that relates to you being able to kind of pick up for yourself you know what this person you know wants and you know what their desires are in terms of where to meet people obviously sort of virus not included because it's a little bit harder now hopefully we get back to you know kind of real life soon it's really you know putting yourself out there not in sort of a needy desperate way where you're sort of panicky but putting yourself out there it's not just going to happen where someone drops from you know the sky like into your living room you're like oh my god you're the perfect man you know I wish that it happened like that I wish I met my husband that way I'd be easier

but it doesn't happen that way and so because of that you know it's kind of a two-prong approach where I look at it as meeting people out and about and that can be anywhere you don't have to go out with sort of the idea where it's like you know I'm gonna meet a man today you know it's more like just being approachable and having conversation just in general just socially um you know wherever you go whether it's the supermarket the bank you know picking up coffee, wherever you go in your everyday routine.

So it doesn't need to be something that you go out of your way to do because you can kind of feel a lot of pressure that way.

Yes.

You know, it's just talking to people.

I do it all the time just for fun and like entertainment.

In line somewhere, so I'm not like reaching for my phone and trying to, you know, do things I shouldn't know.

I'm actually looking around and speaking to people.

It's actually kind of fun to do.

So that part, you know, the organic way of meeting people face to face.

And of course, you know, when things are better, you know, going to different events, going to parties, organizations, you know, networking events, like there's so many things to get involved in when you're with your community.

But then also being online because it's convenient, you know, it's easy.

It sort of doubles your chances of meeting people because you're doing the more organic approach and the online approach.

So you're meeting that many more people that you never would have met otherwise.

Yeah, so true.

So I guess maybe, you know, a lot of people say that, like you said, doing or it organically might work even better than just pushing it and pushing it and put, oh, I'm going to go on a date.

I'm going to go on a date.

I'm gonna get on a date it's tiring and that's exactly what you said maybe with all these girls that that have everything together maybe they're just pushing it too hard you could exactly or don't don't seem approachable without them even realizing that that's the case yeah so sometimes it's you just having conversation with people again very casually and open something up you know with an open-ended question for someone to respond to or just making a funny comment about you know, just the environment that you're in.

You don't have to come up with something, you know, really amazing and witty.

It's just something to kind of say, I do it all the time, and I kind of do it for my own entertainment more than anything else.

But generally, you'll get other people involved, and it's fun, and it's just sometimes it'll go somewhere, and sometimes it won't, but sometimes it will.

You might as well try, right?

I know.

I think

just try to schedule date after date after date after date.

I think that's the bad thing about this apps.

It's just, for me, it's exhausting.

I know girls that do it, but I just can't handle it.

And I, like you said, it just puts so much pressure on the whole thing.

Because you don't want to make it feel like it's a part-time job because you'll begin to hate it.

So it's more like meeting and like talking to a lot of people, but going out with very few.

And this is something I mentioned last time.

It's kind of like a funnel where at the top you're meeting a lot of people, interacting with a lot of people, but you're going out with very few to kind of conserve that energy.

So you can talk to a bunch of people online.

You can talk to a bunch of people organically, but it doesn't mean that you need to go on a date with every single one of them.

Yeah, that makes so much sense.

So in general, you're not like completely against these dating apps, dating sites, right?

You think it might be

a way to meet people.

Absolutely.

And some of my clients have gotten married, you know, from the apps.

Yeah.

You know, do I think it can be kind of a shit show?

Yeah, it can.

But so can going to an event or a bar or meeting someone, you know, at a party.

You're just going to get get a range of people right wherever you go it's just another avenue to use and you can generally lead through people who are you know either just like very strange or not looking for what you're looking for or just want a pen pal you know don't actually have desire to meet up with anyone right so everyone has sort of different desires online which is true but pretty quickly you can figure out you know what the person's motive is let's say whether it's a good motive let's say or not so good um you know trusting your gut on that one and people generally show you who they are.

You just need to believe them.

Excellent advice.

Now, here's a funny tough one to finish our second episode with you.

What do you think as a relationship expert?

Men say that women are the ones that complicate relationships and they're all about drama.

And women say that men don't communicate well and they cheat and they don't talk enough.

So who do you think is harder?

Men or women or both?

You know, it's both.

And I think, you know, gender isn't necessarily what it's about specifically.

I know, you know, it's seen as like, you know, men are jerks and women are crazy.

Obviously, not completely true.

But I think it's much more like we all come with our baggage, right?

We all have stuff that we come with from, you know, the past generally, and insecurities and things like that.

The best thing, honestly, to do is to work on yourself.

I mean, if it's someone who's self-aware and willing to work on themselves,

you know, that's really what it's about.

It's not really about gender so much that I see because I see men and women, and I see we all believe the same, we all feel the same, we all have the same desires, we want to be validated and seen and loved and cared for for who we are.

So it's much more so to me, more about emotions and feelings than it is about gender, frankly.

I love your answer.

And you've said something about that on the previous podcast, that it's not so much if men want to commit, if they like you, they're going to commit.

So when

we call them, oh, you know, they don't come me back, ta-da-da.

That's because they're not interested, right?

It's that simple because men are just like women.

If they like you, I love your post today, by the way.

You put something about love.

If you don't know, if you're not sure if it's love, it means it's not.

And I know it's tough to hear that, but I think all the time, whatever relationship it is, it's right in front of our faces.

And sometimes we don't want to see it, but it's right there.

Very much so.

And I think a lot of my coaching is about things being black or white.

And I think oftentimes with dating, we want to see the gray and sit in the gray and, you know, focus on the gray, but it really is black or white.

You're together or you're not.

He's interested or he's not.

You're...

you know, real part of his life and he's really investing in you or he's not.

You know what I'm saying?

Or you're together and exclusive or you're not.

So it's very much, you know, black and white thing.

And we try to complicate things by accident, right?

And that really stresses us out, but we're trying to sort of gain answers that we don't necessarily have.

But again, it's kind of like light switch on or off.

And that's what you have.

And

complicates it.

You are amazing, Diana.

Do you think ultimately, at the end of the day, people are what?

Searching for love, right?

For companionship.

It doesn't really matter if it's a man or a woman.

That's what most people want, right?

Yeah, I think the biggest thing that people are actually looking for is acceptance.

Acceptance.

Wow.

You know, more so than anything else.

And obviously, love can grow from that and blossom from that.

But I think more than anything, it's feeling accepted and feeling validated for exactly who they are.

Because I think so much and so often we're trying to kind of be someone else, especially in a world like this with social media and you know, T V and everyone looking airbrushed and perfect.

And we really want someone to love us and accept us for who we we are with the good the bad the ugly you know every single part of us so true you're amazing diana guys if you don't know her yet her instagram is diana mandel ma n d e l l i love her posts i think they're super inspirational and if you guys want to send her a message and ask more about her work you can send her a message there right Thank you so much.

And I'm going to see if I can bring her back because I know I'm going to be inundated with questions.

The more we talk about it, the more we wanna talk about it.

Thank you so much, guys.

See you next time.