INCREDIBLE HULK

So

this guy

was really good looking.

He had a nice body, great smile,

and like I said before, amazing hands.

I am crazy, crazy, crazy about men's hands.

That's always my thing.

That's the first thing I look at in men.

Some people like the smile, some people like the legs, whatever.

I love men's hands.

Nice, big, strong.

And his hands were to die for nice.

He reminded me of an unpolished diamond because he had a lot of potential, super intelligent, but no finesse at all.

Think of someone from a very small town that is super intelligent, ambitious,

but

maybe didn't really care about it to be polite or socially nice or not hurt people or not offend people.

that's how I would describe him everything would be fine by me other than the fact that he would go from being 100% nice and calm like a normal person to completely losing it in pretty much the spam span of a few minutes It happened so many times during these weeks that we were together that I could give you guys a gazillion examples.

now just remember that he was staying with me at my place and being treated like a king that's usually how i treat people that i love i go out of my way to be nice to them

I was buying food, I was cooking, I was cleaning, I was doing my laundry, his laundry.

I was trying to do everything in this world to make this guy happy.

But in a matter of minutes, he will go from being nice and normal to becoming a monster, yelling, screaming, calling me names.

Why?

I'm not a doctor.

I have no idea.

Maybe a doctor can explain.

Maybe it is a bipolar behavior.

And the thing is, his changes in behavior were literally over the smallest things.

Because you guys can think, oh, were you having an argument?

No.

It could be like

if my dog Phoenix, he's a puppy, right?

By that time Phoenix was like, what, two months old, maybe?

Yeah, two or three months old.

That's it.

If Phoenix would start barking too much or not obeying me or try to bite my hand, he would just go crazy.

Get your fucking dog out of here.

And I mean, think about the loudest, loudest yell.

screams with the really really strong voice and then he would go on and on and on you know you don't don't know fucking anything about animals.

You're such an idiot.

How can you be so stupid?

He would literally call me names.

Now,

I don't think anyone in the world deserves to be called names.

I think it's super inappropriate and rude.

Me in particular, I have this huge trauma about it because I was married for 14 years.

That's a story that I'm leaving out of the podcast for the moment.

And I loved my husband very much, but he drank he was an alcoholic so whenever he drank he would verbally abuse me a lot i was called every name in the book on and on and on and on and on again and when you love someone you always think well i can fix it they're gonna stop drinking because of me they're gonna stop calling me names but guess what it never stops it never ends so when this guy would go and hinged on me, I felt in my heart, well, I can't believe I'm going through this again.

I i don't want it i don't deserve it i am usually super polite and i don't want to be called names

but i kept just accepting and accepting and accepting and letting it go because we were

going through this quarantine because it was very convenient to me to have him here and yes because the sex was so freaking fantastic that i kind of put it on the balance and i thought oh never mind about the other I'll just make believe I don't care about it.

Now it's a huge question that anyone would ask, is sex worth being treated like shit the rest of the time?

Is sex worth being called names?

Is sex worth being with someone who tells you to your face, I don't want to have a relationship with you.

I'm not interested in that.

Probably not.

Now looking back, I would say, no.

I should have loved me more and I should have said, listen, if you're going to treat me like that, if you're going to scream, if you're gonna yell if you're gonna call me names you should just leave but I didn't so we spend all these weeks at the same time picture this situation this my tiny apartment the world like completely stopped out there and we're sitting here drinking listening to music he smoked a lot of pot so I would smoke a little bit with him and even that would annoy him I used to smoke pot when I was younger because I grew up in LA California went to college there and then I didn't do it for many, many years because it's really not my thing.

I have nothing against it, but it's not something I like doing every single day.

And this guy liked smoking every single day, several times a day, especially at least during the quarantine.

So yeah, I would go.

smoke with him a little bit because I wanted to be a partner.

I wanted us to do everything together, drink, eat, smoke.

And even the way I smoked pot would piss him off.

Instead of saying, well, this is how you do it.

This is how you inhale.

He would just just get pissed at me you don't know what you're doing you're wasting it man no i'm not gonna teach you anymore and i would be like well if you know it better than me teach me i like learning new things if somebody knows something better than me instead of being mad i think they should just teach me but he would get pissed I can give you guys 10 million examples.

The silliest ones.

For instance, I have this habit.

I like taking the trash out whenever I have trash in there, even if it's a little bit, because

I live in a small apartment near the beach in Miami, Miami Beach.

There are tons of bugs here because it's so hot.

There are roaches, there are ants, there are flies, there are mosquitoes.

So I try to never, ever, ever leave trash inside.

So like if I made breakfast and we had some eggshells, whatever,

whatever was left over in the trash, I would just grab it and toss it out.

He saw me doing that a couple of times and he was furious.

He was like, I can't believe it.

You're wasting the trash bag.

Oh my God.

You should let it fill out.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I hate waste.

Baba, baba,

and I said, although I was at my apartment, my trash bag, and I'm cleaning it, I'm paying for it.

I didn't want to have a fight.

I didn't want to have a situation about something so silly.

So I would look at him and be, no, sure, that's completely fine.

I'll wait until the trash bag is full if that makes you happier.

Another silly thing, I always have soap and a hand lotion by my sink.

I love hand lotion.

Even before the pandemic, I was always a little obsessed with washing my hands because I worked at a doctor's office before.

I don't know.

I just have this habit.

I wash my hands everywhere I go.

So I have this hand soap in the kitchen sink and next to it, I have an ind lotion because I don't like my hands to get dry when I wash them a lot.

One day he saw the lotion there.

He's like, Where the fuck do you have it here in the kitchen?

And I said, What I just said, because I like to put lotion in my hands after I wash.

Who the fuck does that?

Nobody does that.

People put lotion in the bathroom.

And I said, Well, thank you for the input.

Honestly, I don't really care what other people do.

I do my things, my way and my place.

So anyways, I just thought it was interesting that every time I did something, although it was my house, he would criticize me and it started making me feel like I had to walk in eggshells, on eggshells.

Like I would be cleaning a table.

with paper towel.

He would yank the paper towel from my hand.

Oh, you're wasting too much.

You only need a tiny little square paper towel.

Look at this.

One side.

Oh, you know, never mind, but whatever, you shouldn't waste.

I hate wasting.

Said, yeah, I hate wasting too, but people do things a different way.

But no,

everything,

I know, I know I started realizing that he was very methodic with things.

So again, although it was my place, I would just let it go and let him do it his way and say, sure,

I'm so sorry, because I really didn't want somebody barking at me day and night, day and night about how I was doing everything

wrong.

But honestly, day after day after day, it starts mining your self-confidence.

Every day I was feeling so

strange around him.

I started feeling bad about myself.

I started questioning myself, do I even know how to do anything?

I am a super intelligent woman.

I have college degrees.

I've been independent my whole life.

But when I was with him, I started thinking that I was really this dumb blonde idiot that doesn't know how to do anything because that's how he made me feel.

Because every single thing I did, he had something to say,

even about personal things like my body.

Yeah, I gained a little weight last year with

I was always super, super thin.

If you guys want to see my pictures on Instagram, Katzamuro, you're going to see.

I was always skinny, skinny, skinny.

And because I was photographed for a living, but I always had a good metabolism and I was very thin.

Last year, when I was dating Min Hoko, Minhoko always liked big girls.

His ex-girlfriend was really, really, really a plus size.

So Minhoko thought I was really thin.

And yeah, it wasn't right either, but I gained weight to make him happy.

I was eating more.

I wanted to be meatier.

Anyways, so when I met this guy, the race car driver,

I definitely gained a few pounds, but I'm still not overweight by any means.

But I do have a tiny wine belly.

I had a tiny wine belly, especially during the quarantine, because I was like, whatever.

You know, I'm going to drink all the wine I want, all the food I want.

I'm going to have fun.

And then I'll work out again and I'll lose it again.

I kind of, yeah.

But he would.

stare at himself in the mirror so many times a day.

Oh, I got to work out.

Look, I got to lose this belly.

Oh my.

And by the way, he doesn't have a belly.

He does have, he has a really great body, very strong arms, amazing arms.

But he would stare at himself in the mirror like, oh my God, look, I look so good.

I look so good.

I got to work out.

I really got to work out.

I got to walk around more.

I got to lose this belly.

I got to lose this belly.

And I knew he was trying to say that to me as well.

Even during sex, if I did something that wasn't exactly the way he liked it, that's another thing that I never saw guys do in my entire life.

He would teach me how to do certain things the way he liked.

And great.

I was very happy because I wanted to learn things the way he liked.

But he thought everybody liked sex his way.

He wouldn't understand that different men like different things in different ways.

So he would teach me something and he would be like, well, what do you mean?

This is the right way, not there isn't another different way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is at the end of the day yeah he was controlling but not more than controlling he was obsessed with having things his way

so to me as much as our sex was great it was really really destroying my self-confidence my self-esteem and it was making me tired it was really making me tired One day,

we had incredible sex in the afternoon, and our friends were downstairs we have a beautiful backyard that we can barbecue and hang out so our friends in common were down there my neighbors and he said let's go out there hang out with them for a while so i took a shower i put the cutest dress on and i went down there you know that flushed face that happy face right after you have great sex.

So we get there and my friend looked at me and said, wow, you look really great.

You look flushed.

You look like you're having a good time.

And I was just smiling.

I I was a little tipsy.

And he looked at me and said, well, she just needs to get rid of this horrible, disgusting hair.

He said that in front of my friend.

And my friend was like, what?

And he was like, yeah, I hate this freaking extension.

She needs to get rid of it.

But the way he said it, the way he criticized me in front of her.

And it's the worst thing to do to a woman because When you're having sex and right after you're having sex with someone you like,

it's probably the best time ever.

You have all these ender fins in your head.

I'm sure you girls agree.

You don't want to hear that.

You know, if he didn't like my hair, sure, he could have come to me and said, Hey, Kat, are you thinking about taking the extensions off?

You probably look really good without them.

I have extensions almost all the time because I need them for work because they photograph so much better.

But since the second he said that, I started thinking, I gotta go get my extensions out.

I gotta go get my extensions out.

I gotta make him happy.

I gotta make him happy.

Can you guys believe I actually made an appointment the next day?

I went to the hair salon and I asked my friend, just take them off, cut my hair, because I want to make him happy.

It's, I think it's absurd because

we should do things to make ourselves happy.

Or yeah, if he talked to me in a nice way, but anyways,

over and over and over again.

During the six weeks of quarantine we spent together.

On one hand, yeah, I am having the best sex of my life and this is incredible.

And conversation is great when he was normal because he's a super intelligent guy.

But on the other hand, I was feeling more and more inappropriate and ugly and fat and judged.

And I just saw my self-esteem getting crushed and destroyed right in front of my eyes, which by the way, is something really difficult to do with me.

I have very, very thick skin.

Growing up in LA, growing up on camera, my dad put me in TV commercials and

as extra in movies, blah, blah, blah.

When I was four years old, I've done photo shoots and things my whole life.

So it's pretty hard to crush my self-esteem.

Normally, I'm not embarrassed of anything.

I own my game.

I'm not ashamed of anything I do, any photographs I've ever taken.

To realize that that guy was doing that to me was making me a little weary and sad.

So I kept thinking, okay, what's coming up next?