Divorced and Destroyed: How the System Fails Women

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Speaker 1 Sandra, welcome to Kat on the Luz. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Before I tell your story and I ask them 10 million questions and we dive into the super important situation, I want to tell you guys out there that are listening to Kat on the Luz that for those of you who don't know Sandy,

Speaker 1 she's not a celebrity. She's not a multi-millionaire.
No, I wish. She's not an heir.
Yes, right. And you are a crazy, hard-working woman.

Speaker 1 And I decided to bring you on the show representing millions, and that's the sad part about this episode: millions of women out there every single day that go through a similar situation.

Speaker 1 Yes, a really tough, absurd, unfair divorce

Speaker 1 in a very broken system. Yes, we have a friend that is going, she cannot even participate right now because she's going through a similar situation and she's still going through divorce.

Speaker 1 So, she was afraid of coming and getting her situation complicated. I went through total, total chaos seven years ago

Speaker 1 through the courts. So we are going to talk about your case because I know there are millions of women out there going through the same, and I really want to shed light in this situation.

Speaker 1 And we are trying really hard to bring in a very famous, successful divorce attorney back in the show to help us because I think the more we talk about it, hopefully we can help other women out there.

Speaker 4 That sounds so amazing.

Speaker 1 So thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 4 Thank you for having me and allowing me to just voice my voice and share this story.

Speaker 1 I mean, 1 million percent. So let's start from the guy go.
You were married for a really long time, right? Yes, 18 years. 18 years.

Speaker 4 18 years.

Speaker 1 That's long term. Yes.
How many kids do you have?

Speaker 4 We have three kids in common.

Speaker 1 You have three kids. And how many years ago you decided to get divorced?

Speaker 4 In 2020.

Speaker 1 2020. This is the end of 2025, and you're not divorced yet.
Correct. Correct.
It's still going through the car. But guys.

Speaker 4 It's still going through the car.

Speaker 1 It's hanging there because the plot thickens. It gets worse.
It gets worse. So it's been five years.
Yes. And it hasn't been resolved.
And you're going to explain to us why, but let's go step by step.

Speaker 1 Why did you decide to get divorced?

Speaker 1 For many reasons. Many reasons.

Speaker 4 Many reasons. I don't know if we have enough time for that.

Speaker 1 Just in a nutshell.

Speaker 4 Of course, in a nutshell. You decided to divorce.

Speaker 1 Infidelity.

Speaker 4 substance abuse.

Speaker 4 And then just the fact that, you know, raising three children, you know, in this culture, you know, working full-time, you know, as a social worker and just trying to maintain the household and, you know, prioritizing my children's emotional, mental well-being.

Speaker 4 It's just, it was beyond too much, especially when, you know, the children's father was always traveling like about 20 days out of the month, and I was working full-time and trying to navigate and provide and be present for my children.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 you mentioned it. You have been a social worker forever, correct?

Speaker 4 25 years. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. Thank you.
Because they don't pay you millions of dollars a year. We know that much.

Speaker 1 You make a decent salary, but it's not a fortune. No, it's not.

Speaker 4 It's not a fortune.

Speaker 1 It's under a million dollars a year.

Speaker 1 It's under half a million dollars a year.

Speaker 4 We can go to court, like, beyond. It's significantly less.

Speaker 1 Significantly less. I mean, we know the government doesn't pay well.
Correct. And you've done this for 25 years.
So So when you were married, did your husband have a job?

Speaker 4 Yes, he did at the time.

Speaker 1 He did not. Why did he travel for the job all the time?

Speaker 4 Constantly.

Speaker 1 And he just left you with the kids and laughed. Okay, so you decided, you're like, I can't take this shit anymore.

Speaker 4 I can't take it anymore.

Speaker 1 So you go and you file for divorce. Correct.
Why?

Speaker 1 So now that people start understanding your story, because I know a lot of women out there are going through the same.

Speaker 1 What made it, like the first step that you realize, oh my God, this is not like a black and white, okay, I'm I'm done, I'm divorced. Correct.
What made it complicated?

Speaker 4 He's not giving me the divorce. He refuses.
He refuses to give me the divorce, and he has parents that are financially wealthy.

Speaker 1 So he comes from a really rich background. Correct.
And you don't. You're an immigrant like me, right? Correct.
Yes. Where do you come from?

Speaker 4 My parents came from Colombia.

Speaker 1 Wow. Okay.
Yeah. One of my best friends is from Colombia as well.

Speaker 1 So you come from a simple family. Yes.
Immigrants, hardworking. Yes.
And your crazy ex-husband comes from a very privileged background. Yes.

Speaker 1 And why does he tell you he doesn't want to give you the divorce?

Speaker 4 It's all about control. Because

Speaker 4 I was with him for 27 years.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 it was just a culturally conditioned situation that I allowed myself to be in.

Speaker 4 And when I decided to stop this and make a change and begin to voice my voice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is very hard, by the the way.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Very hard.

Speaker 4 Because I was culturally conditioned to check the box. Yes, you prioritize, you know, your spouse, your children, your home, your work, and you will be the last priority.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 And that's what I did. I was the ideal wife, mother, and

Speaker 4 I was, I don't want to say like in an egotistical way, but I was a trophy wife. My kids always looked sharp and clean, you know, and you did everything right.

Speaker 1 I did everything

Speaker 1 to do corporate rights, but I was culturally conditioned. So, when you said I want a divorce, he's like, I'm not gonna sign.
Right, that's it. Okay, so you guys go to court and you start fighting.

Speaker 1 Now, this is where the plot thickens, guys. When she told me her story, I was like, what?

Speaker 1 He basically,

Speaker 1 you tell me in your own words, he says he doesn't want a divorce, and then somehow you have to start paying for his shit.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 4 So, in this whole divorce process, we've gone gone to four to five mediations a trial settling settlement conference we went to two courthouses you know the case was originally in the san fernando valley but then it gets transferred to

Speaker 4 you know i don't know if i can say the courthouse pasadena courthouse you know i mean it's public record it is public record you're right it is public record and um trying to we even gone through two judges

Speaker 4 i know right don't we all need some love here

Speaker 4 Whatever way we can get along.

Speaker 1 Chaos, go ahead.

Speaker 4 And so

Speaker 4 with all that,

Speaker 4 what the biggest part was the big turnaround for him was that he was court ordered to pay for child support because it did take okay.

Speaker 1 So he was covered to pay for child support. So he was, he started paying child support.

Speaker 4 In 2023.

Speaker 1 Wow. So for three years he wasn't paying for

Speaker 1 shit. No.
No. So what was the turning point that the judge started telling you that you had to tell that part of your story?

Speaker 4 So we we try to.

Speaker 1 Because it's so freaking unbelievable, guys. Like, this is how the system treats women.

Speaker 1 And again, we're not talking like about a celebrity or a multi-millionaire because I know a lot of people, they're like, oh, well, but how about when women do that to men? We're going to get to that.

Speaker 1 But I mean, you're just like a salaried government employee. Correct.

Speaker 4 Yes. Yes.
And so what ended up happening is just he found a very creative way to abuse me emotionally and mentally mentally was by using the judicial system and constantly requesting for continuances.

Speaker 4 Now, continuances are not given the next week or in a month. It's usually you're going to have to wait.

Speaker 1 Can you explain to people what that is for those who don't know?

Speaker 4 Oh, so a court, you have, you're always scheduled a court hearing.

Speaker 1 And then you have,

Speaker 4 if the, if he has an attorney, which he did,

Speaker 4 just for a continuance, because she wants, the attorney wants to go on vacation, it's granted.

Speaker 4 And it's, and the continuance is like you're going to get another court hearing, but it takes about six to eight weeks. So you're now waiting another two months.

Speaker 4 And it just, it just becomes a repeated cycle over and over.

Speaker 1 So he does this on purpose.

Speaker 4 Or in another reasons, not submitting documents, you know, that is required by the court in order to make a decision in regards to child support. And then it gets continued again.

Speaker 4 And so then it was just

Speaker 4 repeated continuance.

Speaker 1 So at one point, because so he moved out, right? You weren't living in your house. Because that's another part of your story that I thought is total chaos.
You're living in your house.

Speaker 1 You are paying the mortgage. You're paying all the bills.
Correct. He's not helping at all.
No. Although he has a job.
Correct. He's healthy, right? How old is he?

Speaker 4 52. Wow.

Speaker 1 So he's young. He's a young, healthy, middle-aged man.

Speaker 4 Educated as well.

Speaker 1 Well, educated from a great background. And he decides he's not going to help you with anything.
Anything. So you're paying the mortgage, like the email you wrote me.

Speaker 1 You're paying mortgage property taxes, insurance, la la la la la, and taking care of three kids

Speaker 1 all on your own. Correct.
And all you want is get divorced. And this dude is not giving you a penny until the judge order him to pay you child support.
Yes. So he started paying you child support.

Speaker 4 Yes. In 2023, he began to pay child support.
And so when his wages became garnished, that's when he became very angry about

Speaker 4 an animal. And then he found a very creative way to get out of paying child support, and that is by being unemployed.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? So, if you lose your job, you're so he quit his job?

Speaker 1 What was his job?

Speaker 4 He was in sales in the alcohol industry.

Speaker 1 Okay, so he quit his job on purpose, you think?

Speaker 4 Well, he says he was laid off.

Speaker 1 Okay, but you don't.

Speaker 4 You don't have any documentation to confirm that.

Speaker 1 Okay, so he probably quit his job on purpose.

Speaker 4 Yes, and four days later, he filed for a request request for order hearing and that is to now order request for me to now pay child support and spouse support.

Speaker 1 Okay, so he stopped working,

Speaker 1 but it's his kids. Correct.
He doesn't want to help the kids.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Yes.
And you told the judge that.

Speaker 4 Yes, we did.

Speaker 1 And what does the judge say?

Speaker 4 In the meantime,

Speaker 4 he, you know, in the meantime, I was paying the property taxes and the homeowner's insurance and as well as the mortgages with my own separate income. Wow.

Speaker 4 And then, you know, for him, he believed that paying child support is also paying for school tuition. I was as well paying half of all the bills,

Speaker 4 school tuitions, my kids, you know.

Speaker 1 God knows how you afford all this stuff on your own, right? Right. With a salary.
Right. But then, okay, so he stops everything and you're living in your house and the judge doesn't help you.

Speaker 1 When you go to the judge and you say, but you know, Your Honor, look, he comes from Mings and his family is rich

Speaker 4 so when he became unemployed in 2024 i had to make the most challenging decision was to release my attorney because i was no longer able to afford paying her they are afforded as well as receiving any child support because he was ordered to give child support and i decided to take this challenge independently and i uh because we went through so many court hearings and mediations and trial settlement conferences where we couldn't come to an agreement.

Speaker 4 The case then went proceeded to trial setting. Okay.
So I had to release my attorney because, to be honest, the mental and emotional well-being for my children is a priority.

Speaker 4 I had a daughter that was graduating high school. I had my son graduating from eighth grade.
There was no way I'm pulling my kids out of private school.

Speaker 1 No, and listen,

Speaker 1 I think everybody in the world knows

Speaker 1 a half-ass attorney costs a fortune. A good attorney costs a huge fortune.
Significantly. It's almost impossible for a working mom with three kids to be able to afford all this crap.

Speaker 1 So you go and you're like, I'm going to defend myself.

Speaker 4 I am going to defend myself as pro-per.

Speaker 4 And he, even though he's unemployed, he was still able to have a bad person.

Speaker 1 And where was he living, Sandy?

Speaker 4 He was still living in the San Fernando Valley.

Speaker 1 He got his own apartment. Yes.
How was he paying his bills? You don't know. You don't know anything.
No. You have no probably his family's help absolutely 100%

Speaker 1 because he comes.

Speaker 1 Did you tell the judge this?

Speaker 4 Uh-huh. We did.

Speaker 1 And so, what is the story of the house? Because that's the part that broke my heart.

Speaker 4 So, this part is:

Speaker 4 so,

Speaker 4 I put pretty much 20% down payment of my home. Yeah.
It's a single-story home, it's a little small home in the San Fernando Valley.

Speaker 1 Well, you bought it, but I bought it.

Speaker 4 And also because, you know, I was,

Speaker 4 yes, I did buy it.

Speaker 4 So, what ended up happening is that he requested to receive Watts credit. So, Watts credit is when one party that is residing outside of the home

Speaker 4 is wanting the renter's value of what the house could have been for if it was rented out.

Speaker 4 And the judge ordered him 100% Watts credit and denied me Epstein's credit, which is the having credit of preserving the home from going into foreclosure.

Speaker 1 Because you've been paying for the house.

Speaker 1 To make it more easy for people that don't understand the lingo.

Speaker 1 He moved out, you're living in the house, you're paying all the bills. All the bills.
And the judge

Speaker 1 says that he has rights in the home.

Speaker 4 The financial means of the home.

Speaker 1 The financial means of the home.

Speaker 1 And how, meaning you have to pay him?

Speaker 4 I am now ordered to pay him about $300,000 in Watts credit. And I was ordered by the court to sell our home.
This was our children's home. Wow.

Speaker 4 And regardless that I've been paying it for the last five years.

Speaker 1 And you prove, you said, you should obviously show it. Absolutely.
I showed you. So when you arrive in court with all these documents, like, look, Your Honor, I'm paying for this shit by myself.

Speaker 1 This asshole is not helping. What does a judge say to you then?

Speaker 4 Actually, there's a law. What's credit?

Speaker 1 So he looks at you and he's like, whatever, that's the law.

Speaker 4 It's Watts credit and he's entitled to it. What What the interesting part is.

Speaker 1 But how about if it's half? Why is he entitled to all of it?

Speaker 4 Exactly. That's the catch.

Speaker 4 There's not one case in the state of California that's been published where one spouse receives 100% of the Watts credit.

Speaker 4 Here in California, it should be 50-50, but he received 100% of the Watts credit.

Speaker 1 And why?

Speaker 4 That's what was ordered.

Speaker 1 But do you talk, like when you go to court, are you allowed to look at the judge and talk and ask questions?

Speaker 4 So I then retained an attorney because that's a significant, that's pretty much the entire equity. And that there's just not enough equity of the house once it's sold to,

Speaker 4 although he says you can get your down payment back,

Speaker 4 but the attorneys are saying he has priority

Speaker 4 of receiving the Watts credit because he had to live outside of the home, which he voluntarily moved.

Speaker 4 There was no restraining order. There was no move-out order.
He voluntarily moved,

Speaker 4 but

Speaker 4 he was granted 100% of the watts. And

Speaker 4 when I went back to court, I then retained an attorney to help correct this because

Speaker 4 this has to be an error.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But you didn't.

Speaker 4 We did. Oh, yeah.
And then the judge dismissed my attorney. The judge

Speaker 4 repeatedly said, counsel, orders were made. Counsel, I'm giving you instructions on how to proceed for the next court hearing.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 1 they didn't didn't listen to you and your attorney, no, so now you have to sell your home, yes,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 how much is the home worth? Um, one million, so the home is worth a million. What is the equity?

Speaker 4 It's about 350,000, which is exactly so.

Speaker 1 You gotta get this money and give it all to him, correct, because you also have to pay for all the additional fees to do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and how about all the mortgages that you paid? There is no law that protects you and gives you this money back.

Speaker 4 Well, technically, I'm supposed I'm entitled to Epstein's credit.

Speaker 1 Right. So, how do you get that?

Speaker 4 You can't. He dismissed it.
He was silent on it. And the other thing is, it's very challenging.
You know, I would, since it went to trial, I have to request for an appellant attorney.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 And with all the research and the interviews that I've had with appellant attorneys, they're like, if you do not have an order on Epstein's, you cannot file an appeal

Speaker 4 on a non-existing order.

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Speaker 1 So there's like basically in

Speaker 1 layman's terms, they said there's nothing you can do about this situation.

Speaker 1 And you talk to a million attorneys. If there is a divorce attorney out there listening, let us know because this is one of the most absurd situations I've ever had in my life.

Speaker 1 So you're having to sell your house, leave your house with your kids, and where, and then where are you going? You're going to have to start from scratch, like renting an apartment. Yes.

Speaker 1 And he takes all this money. Correct.
He takes $350,000.

Speaker 1 $300,000.

Speaker 4 What about $300,000?

Speaker 1 So he's going to get a $300,000 check and put it in the bank for doing absolutely nothing.

Speaker 4 not being one because the judge ordered him in 59 months of Epstein's credit wow I mean sorry of Watts credit 59 months of Watts credit and you don't think there is and you cannot take it to another judge no not when it goes to trial you cannot appeal this decision of his credits of the Watts credit right but that's the other issue is because it wasn't indicated in a minute order and because a judgment hasn't been signed yeah there could be no movement a judgment needs to be signed the fact that he's giving him 100% of the Watts credit.

Speaker 4 And the judge, till this day, we are in November.

Speaker 4 This hearing was, this trial hearing was in June.

Speaker 1 So it's almost six months. And why do you think that is?

Speaker 1 That he's

Speaker 1 negligence. This judge is like a total asshole.

Speaker 4 I mean, just negligence.

Speaker 1 The court system, because as immigrants, right, I mean, and I always say that when I tell my story, and tell me if you were the same, like you were born here, right?

Speaker 1 Yes, I wasn't, but I came when I was very, very young and I became a citizen, la la la.

Speaker 1 You know, I've been here my entire life, it's my home, but I always had this dream mentality that I'm like, oh, I live in the United States,

Speaker 1 and it's the best country in the world, and we are so protected.

Speaker 1 I really believe up until my husband died, and I had everything taken away from me because the courts didn't enforce the will, I believed the laws would always be respected and applied.

Speaker 1 I was the most naive person in the world. I really, really believed in my heart, like nothing can go wrong.

Speaker 1 If you have a will, all you have to do is go to court, they're going to read it, they're going to do the right thing.

Speaker 1 If you get divorced, it's like I really believed until this is why I believe you, because it freaking happened to me.

Speaker 1 And when I tell people, they're like, what do you mean? If you had a will,

Speaker 1 why? And I said, exactly, because I took the will to court and they ignored every single paragraph of the will.

Speaker 1 It took me two years arguing and kicking and screaming at the judge. I remember when I tried to open my mouth, she would say, Shut up, or I'm going to hold you in contempt.

Speaker 1 Hold you in contempt means I'm going to throw you in jail.

Speaker 1 That's how the judge would talk to me.

Speaker 1 And it's intimidating. Exactly.
Like, who the hell wants to be thrown in jail?

Speaker 1 You know, for speaking up. So, when I heard your story, I'm like, the system is broken.
And for some reason, most of the time, the women are the ones that get fucked, pardon my French.

Speaker 4 You're absolutely right. And not only that, because I was pro-per legally representing myself without proper legal representation,

Speaker 4 I was then ordered to pay $20,000 of his attorney fees.

Speaker 1 Fuck. That is...
outrageous.

Speaker 1 Especially, this is the thing. I don't know how a judge like that sleeps at night because this guy comes from a rich family.
You told me his parents are really wealthy. So, like,

Speaker 1 he has something to, like, this grown-ass 52-year-old man. We're not talking about somebody who is disabled.
No, we're not talking about a retard.

Speaker 1 We're not talking about somebody with a low IQ, with no job. We're talking about a guy from a really sophisticated family.
So, he has all these

Speaker 1 people behind him and he's taking your money.

Speaker 1 The judge orders you to pay for his attorney. He's like, How the hell does a judge like that sleep sent doing that to a woman?

Speaker 4 And on top of that, I have 73%. Now, my kids are older now.
So, one is already aged out of the system because this has been going on for nearly six years. Wow.
And the other one is nearly 18.

Speaker 4 So, I have my 14 and a half, 15-year-old son, and I'm now ordered to pay him child support, even though I have 73% leave, you know, physical custody.

Speaker 1 OMG.

Speaker 4 And I'm a social worker.

Speaker 1 How do you do it?

Speaker 1 How do you do it? How do you make enough money?

Speaker 1 You don't.

Speaker 1 And you're so and so let's put this on record. Your parents are not rich.

Speaker 4 My parents are deceased.

Speaker 1 Your parents are the same.

Speaker 1 I don't have a family to fall on. Neither do I.
I'm the same as you. Like when I lost everything, and I'm not kidding,

Speaker 1 I lost my pants, my assets, my bank accounts, my cars, like you name it.

Speaker 1 I literally lost everything. I had to start from zero.
I was penniless. I was jobless.
My friends, friends with big quote, they ran away like rats because nobody wanted to help.

Speaker 1 I was totally on my own.

Speaker 1 But I don't have kids. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, but I could barely support myself and my two dogs. I know what an uphill battle it was for me to rebuild from scratch.
You know,

Speaker 1 this is seven years later, and I'm by no means rich millionaire like people think I am. You know, I'm doing better, but I know how hard it was.

Speaker 1 I cannot imagine going through what you are going through for so long and supporting your kids, supporting yourself, going to work. And I mean, you got a salary at the end of the month.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4 And still having to go to court.

Speaker 1 And deal with it. And still have to go to court.
What do his parents? Have you tried talking to his parents? No.

Speaker 1 You don't want to? No, no.

Speaker 4 Why not?

Speaker 4 We're into this for over six years.

Speaker 1 Because I'm thinking about it. You never tried talking to his parents.

Speaker 4 Oh, no. No, they are supporting this.

Speaker 1 No, I'm sure they are, but I would have tried. Yeah, I think.

Speaker 4 You know, the interesting part, sorry for interrupting. His mother went through the same exact thing.
Are you saying that? And you would think she would

Speaker 4 ex-husband.

Speaker 1 So his parents are divorced. Yes.
And they both have money.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 his father's deceased, but his mother

Speaker 4 married a wealthy man. Oh, okay.
Remarried a wealthy man.

Speaker 1 Okay, so obviously, is he an only child?

Speaker 4 No, he has one other sibling.

Speaker 1 Because he's behaving like this brat, right? Where are they from? Are they from California?

Speaker 4 His parents were from Peru.

Speaker 4 He was born here in the United States.

Speaker 1 Okay, but he's an American. Yes, he's an American.
And to this day, did he get another job?

Speaker 4 Yes, he just recently got another job. Finally? Yes.

Speaker 1 Do you know what the job is?

Speaker 4 In sales, same industry.

Speaker 1 So you cannot go to the judge and say, hey, look, why am I paying child support to this guy since he has another job?

Speaker 4 Well, so when I discovered that he retained employment, then I did request for a hearing. So I...

Speaker 1 How did you find out?

Speaker 4 My kids.

Speaker 1 So your kids are on your side, I would hope.

Speaker 4 It's a really challenging position for them.

Speaker 1 They go back and forth.

Speaker 4 But yeah, they go back and forth, but you know,

Speaker 1 he must twist the story, right? Correct.

Speaker 1 I don't want to divorce her.

Speaker 1 He probably won't say shit like that.

Speaker 4 She wanted this.

Speaker 1 She wanted this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And to this day, by the way, you're still single, right? It's not like, because I know women get so judged. And that's another thing that bothers me.

Speaker 1 Because when I know a lot of people see the situation, maybe a lot of people are going to listen to the episode and they're like, oh, she must have had another guy.

Speaker 1 You know, that's the only reason why she

Speaker 1 always try to, because this is very unfortunate but it's true and i'm saying most of the time i know there are exceptions but i'm saying most of the time somehow the woman gets blamed like if you ask for the divorce right they're like absolutely she has another dude oh yeah she must have a lover yes she has some dude helping her pay the bills but it's not your case

Speaker 1 you're still single still single you're still working super look at her smile

Speaker 1 obviously you deserve another love of course we all deserve another love we all another love, just in general.

Speaker 1 I mean it's been many, but the reason why you left him is not because you found another guy. No.
Oh no. You left because you couldn't put up with his shit and

Speaker 4 I couldn't do this anymore.

Speaker 1 I couldn't do this anymore. And obviously now we know why because obviously this guy is like a douche.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine putting anybody through that, especially like, you know, the mother of his kids. Right, right.

Speaker 4 And that was one of the decisions I had to make was that, you know, I didn't want my daughter to marry someone like that. How old is your daughter? She's 19 now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now she's an adult.

Speaker 4 Yeah. And she's, you know, they're learning by observations.

Speaker 1 1 million percent.

Speaker 4 And I didn't want her to think that's a healthy marriage. That's a healthy relationship because it's not.
There was no partnership.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 There wasn't. And you shouldn't stay in any marriage because your culture expects you to.
You know, because it's not healthy for you, the individual. It wasn't healthy for me.

Speaker 4 And if I'm not healthy, how could it be healthy for my children?

Speaker 1 I'm glad that you brought this up because I completely agree with you. And that's a big deal in the in Latin cultures for sure.
Exactly. Like we are raised to be compliant,

Speaker 1 to keep our mouth shut. Absolutely.
Right? Like, be a nice wife and shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Basically, right? Don't rock the boat. No.
Like, raise, imagine me, like, because I didn't have kids. So imagine for me, it was like the pressure, right? Why aren't you having kids?

Speaker 1 Why aren't you having kids?

Speaker 1 You're supposed to get married really young. Yes.
You're supposed to have kids.

Speaker 1 You're technically not even supposed to work in a lot of Latin countries to this day.

Speaker 1 You're supposed to just stay home with the kids cooking and cleaning and everything and the guy works.

Speaker 1 So in your case, you were actually lucky in the sense that you marry a guy that was supportive of you going to work. Right.

Speaker 4 But I still had to do all the cooking, the cleaning, and making all the medical dental appointments taking them to their school programs practices i had three kids very athletically involved in their school oh my god how do you're super woman

Speaker 1 three kids

Speaker 1 three kids like i said i didn't have kids but and then i ended up interestingly i ended up marrying a guy my husband was american from boston italian descent And I, of course, I didn't know in the beginning, but he ended up being insanely controlling.

Speaker 1 He barely, he told told me in the beginning that he, because when I met him, I worked because I always loved working.

Speaker 1 I love it. But when I met him, so he was like, Oh, I'm super supportive, go have a career.

Speaker 1 But obviously, as the years went by, he started cutting me off, cutting me off, cutting me off to the point that he didn't want me to work, he didn't want me to do anything.

Speaker 1 He barely wanted me to leave the house. He was insanely controlling.

Speaker 1 So, for 15 years, in my case, I ended up being more and more and more financially dependent on him.

Speaker 1 He controlled my friendships. He controlled like every step I took.
So, in my case, as much as I didn't have the kids, but I lost my freedom, which is very hard as well.

Speaker 4 And I'm sure you lost yourself.

Speaker 1 Oh, a million percent. And I think this is such an important conversation because I would say, I hope to God no woman out there takes as long as I did to leave because it took me 15 years.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 I understand. It took me three years to have the courage to have filed for child support.

Speaker 1 To have the courage. How long did it take the courage to leave?

Speaker 4 Exactly.

Speaker 1 10 years. 10.
So for 10 years, you are sitting there thinking, I want to leave. I deserve better, right?

Speaker 1 I deserve better. This is not right.

Speaker 4 And I'm going to give them a chance to change.

Speaker 1 That's the problem.

Speaker 1 They and that's a big mistake. Yeah, they will never change for you.

Speaker 4 They won't.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 And so many women make this mistake and stay in unhappy relationships. And they always use this phrase, I used it, I'm sure you used it, but I love him.

Speaker 1 But I love him. He's going to change for me.
But I love him. His love is going to make him change for me.

Speaker 1 But that day is never going to come. Correct.

Speaker 4 And the other phrase is like, I recall, it could be worse.

Speaker 1 It could be worse.

Speaker 4 And I

Speaker 4 wish and encourage any woman that I hear say that.

Speaker 1 Don't say that. Don't say that.
know. Don't say that.
You know, it's so funny.

Speaker 1 I got goosebumps when you said that, Sandy, because when my mom was alive, the few times I try to complain, like, oh my God, you know, this is really tough, my mom would say, don't rock the boat.

Speaker 1 It could be worse because my husband was so wealthy. Right.
From the outside world, they thought, what are you complaining about?

Speaker 1 You have this princess life, you live in these mansions, you have the cars, the jewelry, the trips. So I remember she would always teach me, it could be much worse.

Speaker 1 What if you don't have money? What if you lose everything? You know, don't rock the boat.

Speaker 1 And it's interesting you said that because mentally, it took me so many years to gather the courage and say, you know what? I'm not going to proper this shit in. Like you just said, I deserve better.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I think we should not be afraid of the unexpected

Speaker 1 in order to just stay in a unhappy or abusive or toxic relationship. You've gotta go for it.

Speaker 4 You do, you do

Speaker 4 100%.

Speaker 4 It takes just a lot of courage, and it does, right?

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Speaker 1 Who was your support system? Your family, my therapist, your therapist,

Speaker 1 she was great. Lisa, she's great.
I'm glad you're being honest. I'm being honest, I love that.

Speaker 4 And that's the thing. It took me years, like, like I said, three years.
You don't understand, it was so hard to file for divorce.

Speaker 4 I understand, especially not having you know, my mom or my dad, and I'm like the first one to do something like that,

Speaker 4 you know, in my family, in my circle of friendships. I'm the first one to take a chance, but I just couldn't do this anymore.

Speaker 4 And you know what? It really had to do the fact that my daughter was a teenager, and you know, she's growing, observing, and I didn't want my sons to think this is healthy, this is how you can do it.

Speaker 1 I hope your sons don't ever think. Yeah, exactly, because that's the freaking talk about a horrible

Speaker 1 role model for men, for kids. And then the generational cycle continues.
Yeah, horrible. But I will tell you, I know how hard it was because I went through the same.

Speaker 1 And many times people judge, like, oh, if you're unhappy, why don't you leave? Why don't you leave? Not that easy. It's because, like you said, mentally, you're trying to save the marriage.

Speaker 1 You love the person. You are wondering about the consequence and everything.
Sometimes it does, in our case, unfortunately, took years for us to gather the courage.

Speaker 1 But I hope if it's a woman out there listening, get whatever support because the support system doesn't have to be family. Like

Speaker 1 you said,

Speaker 1 a therapist, a friend, do whatever the hell you have to do so you gather the strength. And because I think the sooner you get out, the sooner you can start rebuilding.

Speaker 4 The sooner you can start healing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're insanely poised and calm about it considering he still has not given you the divorce and you still don't know.

Speaker 4 Nope, at this point, I don't know when, you know, it's unfortunate. And I've done,

Speaker 4 I've made requests to the court to, you know, legally separate me, which was denied, you know, and it's beyond to think that

Speaker 1 five years, how long? Five years.

Speaker 4 Five years, 2020.

Speaker 1 It makes me wonder, like, this judge person, it's a man.

Speaker 1 We're not going to say his name on the show, but it makes me wonder if he hates women, if he's in a miserable marriage, if it makes me wonder, I know you guys are going to think I'm crazy conspiracy theory, but I actually think this might be possible.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, if his family is paying the judge off,

Speaker 1 I swear to God. I know.

Speaker 1 Because in my case, the way things happen to me, and that's a whole other episode, I swear to God, to this day, I believe that the people that stole everything from me, they were paying my attorneys to not help me because they were getting a cut.

Speaker 4 I mean, it's just unhappy.

Speaker 1 I really believe that.

Speaker 4 I mean, like I say, I was pro-per.

Speaker 4 No one...

Speaker 1 you are the first one in the whole state of California.

Speaker 4 So this is given 100% Watts.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 And everyone says there's no way he's going to order you to pay attorney fees. Don't worry about it.
You're representing yourself.

Speaker 4 If you can't afford legal representation, how are you expected to pay for his legal representation at $500 an hour?

Speaker 1 It's a hard justify that.

Speaker 1 Like they see you have a salary and you do beautiful work.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you have a job and you do beautiful work, by the way. Thank you.
Can you tell people what you do?

Speaker 4 So I protect children and families. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm a children's social worker. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's incredible. Very difficult work.

Speaker 4 Very taxing. Very challenging work.

Speaker 1 Very challenging, mentally exhausting.

Speaker 4 Emotionally exhausting.

Speaker 1 You're an angel considering you've been doing that for 25 years. I know.
So you tell this judge all this stuff and it doesn't move the needle to your side. No.

Speaker 1 So he's like, okay, this asshole is jobless

Speaker 1 at his free will because he's healthy,

Speaker 1 totally capable of getting a job.

Speaker 4 Oh, absolutely, 100%.

Speaker 1 But you're like, you got to pay for his shit.

Speaker 4 I have to stay employed.

Speaker 1 How outrageous is that, guys?

Speaker 1 Like, how rage is that?

Speaker 4 Because I stayed employed.

Speaker 1 That's insane. That's insane.
And if you were crazy, like, I'm going to quit my job, you can't do that because then you end up homeless on the street with your kids.

Speaker 4 There's no way. And I've exhausted, you know, a significant of my life

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 my work. It's unbelievable.
You know, that, I don't know if you know that actress Denise Richards.

Speaker 1 When you told me your story, just a few days later, her husband filed for divorce. Similar situation.

Speaker 1 Very healthy, grown-ass middle-aged man. He goes to the judge, like, oh, I want whatever crazy $150,000 a month because she makes the money.
She makes whatever, $200,000, $250,000 on OnlyFans a month.

Speaker 1 And I took the pictures. I deserve the lifestyle.
I deserve the money. I deserve this.
I deserve that. And then a lot of people said, oh, she's the rich one and he's not.

Speaker 1 But it made me feel the same way. Why the fuck, pardon my French, because I got so mad.
This grown-ass middle-aged man cannot get a fucking job.

Speaker 1 Go support yourself. And they should be embarrassed.
Absolutely. Asking.
for women to pay their bills.

Speaker 1 I don't even understand that. Like, let's say he gets a new girlfriend.
What does he tell a new girlfriend? Like, oh, yeah, my wife is supporting me.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. And he goes on vacation trips with you on your dime.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 or his family.

Speaker 4 His family's dime. And then now that I have.

Speaker 1 And you see, like on his Instagram and shit. No, I don't follow him.
You don't follow him? No. So, how do you know he goes on vacation and stuff? My children.
They tell you everything.

Speaker 1 They spill the tea.

Speaker 4 They spill the tea on him but obviously he doesn't care he doesn't care he doesn't care he doesn't oh my god you know i mean to him it's like he doesn't care as long as he still has some type of control which he does because i'm still controlled by the judicial system yeah of having to keep going back to that courthouse and you have no idea so when are you going back in december december and you have no idea if they're going to grant you the divorce if they're going to squeeze more money out of you

Speaker 1 they obviously don't give a fuck that you're sitting in the house and you're going to have to rent obviously a much smaller place.

Speaker 4 A significantly small place.

Speaker 1 Significantly smaller place.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't even know what to say because I'm not an attorney. I told you we're trying to bring an attorney into the show because I want to ask a professional opinion.
But I hope we shed light on.

Speaker 1 And if anybody out there has a crazy story to tell, please, by all means, share. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Because I know you're sitting here today representing millions of women out there who are literally afraid of leaving because they don't want to be in your situation. So, something needs to be done

Speaker 1 in the system in order to make it a little more fair. And I'm saying to women, because women most of the time end up being the victims.

Speaker 1 And I know a lot of people are going to say, like even our friend said, oh, people say, how about when it's the girl that divorces the guy and asks for all this money?

Speaker 1 Well, number one, it's not a subject here today, but I'm not saying women that marry guys and ask for all their money are doing the right thing either.

Speaker 1 But it's completely different if it's, let's say, a woman that was married to a guy for a long time and had kids with him, la la la, and he was home for 15 years doing nothing,

Speaker 1 right? Then of course she needs money to support herself.

Speaker 1 So it's completely different when most women, I know there's exception guys, but when most women ask for support, it's because usually they were depending on the dude for a really long time.

Speaker 1 But in your case, that's not the case

Speaker 1 at all. And for many, many women out there, they are like you, like us.

Speaker 4 We're just average women.

Speaker 1 Well, you're not average. You're a superwoman.

Speaker 1 You're not. And it makes me happy that you didn't lose your smile.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's... Sometimes that's we have to just be grateful for what we have, you know, because, you know, in the midst of all this, don't get me wrong.
I mean, it's been very challenging.

Speaker 1 I'm sure very challenging.

Speaker 1 Sandy, what people see, like we're sitting here, right?

Speaker 1 And if you guys are listening to the audio episode, make sure you go to the Carol De Louis Show channel on YouTube so you can see her beautiful face. But what people see here is the final product.

Speaker 1 Like, we wake up, and like my mom used to say, we pull ourselves by the bootstraps and we go fight. We work, we have bills to pay, we have projects, shit to get done.

Speaker 1 We're not filming the struggles, the nights that we cry, the nights that you freak out, you pull your hair out, you're like, what the fuck? Am I gonna?

Speaker 1 There were some days, I swear to God, I thought I was gonna, I really thought I was gonna go homeless. I started making plans like, okay, how am I gonna sleep with my dogs in the car?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I'm not kidding you, but I don't put that shit on social media, right? We put the shit like, hi, here I am. Like,

Speaker 1 yeah, but I'm very proud of you as a woman

Speaker 1 and a Latin woman that you look fabulous,

Speaker 4 and you're smiling and you're you're putting yourself out there because I'm trying to just stay you know take like I'm grateful that you gave me this opportunity to be able to voice my voice because it's happening it's really happening and you know it's happening to just you know women and it's like it's not right.

Speaker 4 I mean we are trusting the judicial system to like set boundaries and follow the laws and do what's right.

Speaker 1 But it's like we're gonna try to make the judge listen to this podcast.

Speaker 1 I'm going to find you. I'm going to hunt you down.

Speaker 1 I'm going to email this episode. Right.
I mean, because come on, dude, what is wrong with you guys? You know, right?

Speaker 4 I mean, when I received the news, the impact, I mean,

Speaker 4 it's like you just felt so, I mean, I just felt so hopeless. Like, I lost everything.

Speaker 4 Everything. The struggles, the tribulance, the trials.

Speaker 1 But listen, you didn't, because I know, obviously, losing the material things is insanely painful losing a home i know because i lost everything

Speaker 1 but at least thank god you're young you're healthy you're gorgeous and i believe in karma i really believe in karma you don't you should start believing in lady karma she's a bitch and i believe in energy i believe in energy everything is energy yeah so he's gonna get his

Speaker 1 his karma and I'm sure you're gonna rebuild and I'm sure you're gonna I have to.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I have to rebuild.
One

Speaker 4 brick at a time.

Speaker 1 That's it. Let's go, girl.
Let's go. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for your time. I hope you're out there dating.
You're out and about. So I hope you find an incredible man.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. That's very nice.

Speaker 1 I really, really do, because you deserve it. And I know that.
You all deserve love. Guys, if you're watching the show and you want to, if it looks I'll be Cupid, I'll put you up.

Speaker 1 Sandy, if you live in California, preferably, right? Because we don't want to remove. But if you don't live in California and you are willing to relocate, hit me up and I'll connect you guys.

Speaker 1 Let's find you along.

Speaker 1 Let's find love more lovely. And we're going to get this judge, hopefully, to listen this episode.
But thank you for sharing your stories.

Speaker 1 And guys, if you're going through something similar out there, be strong.

Speaker 1 one step at a time, right? Baby step.

Speaker 4 But it's one baby step at a time.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, it is heartbreaking how broken the system is. It really, really sucks.
Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Sandy.
Such an honor having you.

Speaker 1 Guys, be safe out there. And really, the sooner you leave, the sooner you can start rebuilding the life of your dreams.

Speaker 1 You don't need a divorce on paper to move forward. You're already moving forward.

Speaker 4 I've already moved forward.

Speaker 1 Good for you. I'm very proud of you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Guys, I love you.
Cheers. Drink some love.
Thank you.

Speaker 4 We'll need some love for sure.

Speaker 1 Cheers. And I'll see you guys again very soon.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You're the best.

Speaker 4 Oh, you're amazing. Thank you.

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