How to get what you want IN BED with Dr Tara

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My guest today, Dr.

Tara, was dubbed the internet's resident sexpert and crowned TikTok's queen of sex.

She's a Kinsey-certified sexologist, tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University.

And she has a great, super interesting book coming out called How Do You Like It? A Guide for Getting What You Want in Bed.

And on this episode, she shares a lot of her sex expertise with us so we can all improve our sex game. I hope you guys enjoy it.

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Dr. Tara, welcome to Cat on the Lose.
I'm so excited to be here.

I am so excited to have you because I was looking through your website, your Instagram, and you have so many fantastic videos, so much information. And of course, I love the topic.

Sex. Sex.
Who doesn't?

Well, so that's my first question.

How do we normalize it? Because I feel, and I keep saying that on kind of the los over and over and over again. I feel, especially women, of course, we're still vilified when you talk about sex.

If you talk too much about it, like, you know, you're, you're... whatever, branded as a heart or like you're promiscuous.
Oh my God, right?

They block you on social media because you're not supposed to do it. Is there a way to like just normalize this conversation for once and for all? Oh, 100%.

I think as a society to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality is to become more educated. Education is the path to liberation.
There's no sexual liberation if we can't talk about it.

And if we in order to feel comfortable talking about things, we need to be educated.

And that's why I think I'm just so passionate as a sex educator to help the next generation feel extremely comfortable talking about sex so that it can can start to change.

It, you know, it's harder to change my generation or the generation older than me because

there are people that are already set in their ways.

But I'm still changing minds left and right. I mean, I'm an older millennial, and whenever I meet other millennials that are very anti-talking about sex, I ask them why.

They often say, well, I just like to keep it private. I said, okay, but do you talk about it in private? Probably not.
They don't. Probably not.
They don't.

I think a lot of it has to do with how we are raised, right? I was raised in a household that we absolutely could not talk about it. Period.
I remember when I lost my virginity, I was terrified.

Like, oh my God, if my parents find out, like, they're going to give me a beating.

Of course, that was a long time ago, but I feel even the younger generations. Because I have a younger audience.
People send me messages on TikTok. They say the same thing.

My mom doesn't give me the freedom. You know, I'm too embarrassed.
What is my father going to think? How do we change that? I think family sex communication is a big topic.

I actually recently studied that

and we found that family sex communication, which is basically how your parents approach the topic of sex with you and in the household, has a huge impact on young adults' development of their sexual confidence.

And when you grow up in a family that treats sex as a taboo and treats sex as like a bad thing, then you develop sexual anxiety as a young adult.

So no wonder, you know, all these people out there feeling super anxious before they hook up or boys, like I mean, men that are in their early 20s having erectile dysfunction

because of sexual anxiety. And they're like,

where does this come from? It comes from your family, it comes from society, it comes from religion. Yeah.
And also mass media too.

But nowadays, I think mass media is doing better i agree representing more uh holistic like sexuality and i think people like us right we are opening up these conversations and we're making it more approachable yeah because that's one thing maybe people say that to you also like i get messages people say to me all the time i feel comfortable talking to you or i listened to an episode and i decided to go and have this conversation with my boyfriend or my girlfriend so it makes me happy when i get that type of message it's very rewarding yeah right for sure but parents if you're listening talk to your kids your teenagers about about it talk to teenagers about it uh there's nothing wrong with it like they're the

sex is the reason why they're here

and it's healthy right so healthy i i feel like especially in the united states because i come from cultures that are way way more open about it but i feel like there is this whole stigma like it's something dirty and under it should be like talked like you know under the table so to speak

And it makes me sad because it shouldn't be something dirty. It's such a fantastic part of life.

I always bring it to the table not under the table bring it to the table everywhere i go whether i get lunch dinner networking event whatever it is i always bring it to the table i speak about it in a very unapologetic way so that other people can feel like oh wow if she can do it i can do it yeah i love it so let's start with the questions okay i i'm i'm gonna try to maybe you can help us with the most common questions that people send me.

And of course, I'm not an expert. I don't know.
Maybe you can help us. The number one complaint of men and women, you must have heard that before.

They are in a relationship or married or whatever, and they are not getting enough sex.

So, guys, they say, Well, this is why I went and cheated because I love my wife, but I want to have sex.

And after a while, they get so frustrated, they meet some cute girl at work, la la la, and they cheat. But women's the same.

There are a lot of women that cheat because they're like, you know, my husband is tired. He's stressed out.
He cannot get it hard or he's too lazy, nah, no, no, they go and have an affair.

So this is the question for you, and I don't even know if we have an answer before actually cheating, right? Which we hope nobody would do because I'm totally guessing.

What would be the solution for that?

So

sex is never just about sex.

Sex is about everything else outside the bedroom. Not having sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

So

if you have a partner who cheated on you, who said, oh, it's because of our sex life. No, it's not.
It's a much bigger problem in a relationship. When people engage in infidelity,

there are three main reasons. The first one is

a personal reason. So they feel uninspired.
of themselves. They don't feel good about themselves.
They lack confidence. Maybe they just lost their job.
Maybe they lost their mojo.

Maybe they gained a lot of weight, whatever it is, they don't feel good about themselves. It's a personal reason.
They go out there to get external validation.

The second reason is interpersonal, meaning there's a problem in a relationship outside the bedroom. So it can be, it could be respect problem.
It could be follow-through problem.

A lot of people say they'll do things that they don't do them.

It could be

the fact that you don't show adoration or desire or compliment your partner. So, it could be many other things outside the bedroom that cause that bedroom problem.
And then I see.

So, what do you suggest if somebody out there listening? Because I actually have friends in this situation. They confide in me.
They're like, I love my wife, but I want to have sex.

And she tells me, because women sometimes are like, I love you, but I don't have a sex drive. Or the kids made me tired, or the job made me tired.
So, what would be the first step?

The first step is talking about it.

You and your partner have to engage in what I call macro-sexual communication. And this is checking into the true reason why you're not having sex.
Because sex is not just about the bedroom.

It's about other things. So you have to get to the point of like, what is the actual problem here?

I one time have a couple that I help in my private practice. They came in and they say, it's a sex problem, it's a sex problem.

And then after investigating for a long time, we know what the problem is. It's a communication problem.
He always cuts her off when she's talking.

So she feels disrespected and she feels her opinion is not being valued and she feels like he thinks he's better than her.

That's the problem, not penetration. So sex is a symptom of other problems.
True, you find the root of it. And sometimes people say, I love my partner, but I don't have sexual desire for them.

It's mainly because the sex that you guys are having is boring. No one wants to have boring sex.
True, but how do they learn how to not have boring sex? I totally agree. Read the book.
Read the book.

The book, How Do You Like It, has multiple, what I call erotic solutions. Ooh, I love that.
Erotic solutions are the solutions to your boring sex problem.

If you have a boring sex life, you need erotic solutions. These are different sexual activities that you can do that's non-penetrative.
Because I think a lot of people,

they might be listening, like, do I have boring sex? I'm not sure I have boring sex. I think a lot of people are having really boring sex and they don't even notice.
Right, right.

Because it becomes this routine where they accept it and they think it's so good.

I've been in relationships because to me, honestly, having great sex is. a priority.
One of the priorities in a relationship. Why?

Because I was in an almost sexless marriage for 15 years because my husband was drinking. And, you know, when people drink, it was really shitty.

So once I got out of there and and I started feeling empowered because I do the podcast, I'm like, okay, I love having sex. I have a very high sex drive.
I don't want to be in that relationship again.

So, I've been in partnerships that, of course, in the beginning, every guy says they love a lot, right? But then they like slow down. But I don't want to be in that situation again.

So, to me, let's say if it's me or anybody else in the same situation, you start dating someone, you're in a relationship with that person, and in the first few dates, the sex is great because they want to impress, and then they get lazy.

I think sex is usually great in the first year. Yeah.
And then in the second year, it's less. And then the third year is less than a year.
But how do you make them, you know, keep it up?

Like, don't get lazy in bed.

Talk.

Well, novelty is extremely important when it comes to sexual desire. You don't desire the same thing for years.
Right. Basic human psychology states

no one desires the same exact thing for a long period of time. Let's just accept that fact.

I think especially for men, like if women are listening, send this podcast to your husband because especially for men, like if they don't

put in any effort to bring in any kind of novelty to the sex life, women are actually the first to be bored of the sex they have.

Research found that women get bored of their partner faster than men do. Oh, really? Yeah.

But you're not, by the way, you're not saying novelty in in terms of like, oh, I have to go and have sex with someone else.

You're saying novelty in terms of like, novelty, yeah, like what kind of sex are you having? There's like literally 200 different sexual activities you can do. How many are you doing? Two.

Yeah, usually. If you're doing two or three different things,

you have 197 things to try. So which brings me to the next question.

I know that for a lot of people,

they are very embarrassed or afraid or uncomfortable when it comes to telling their partner they want to try something something new.

Especially like you did a video that I loved about how to go kinky, right? I know a lot of people want to try kinky things, but they're like, oh my God, she's going to think I'm a perfect.

He's going to think I'm a hard. No, no, no.
They are so embarrassed that they don't bring it up. So how do you approach that without being embarrassed?

I call it the media mention method.

I have used this method many times. All my clients have, my students have, my friends have.
It's so effective.

Instead of putting yourself in that position where you are saying, I want to try this, just use the media mention method. Here's how you do it.

So you just go, hey, babe, today I listened to this episode on Cat on the Loose and they were talking about bondage. Like, have you ever tried that before? It's so interesting.
That's it.

That's all you have to do. The media mention method.
Mention a media that you just heard. It could be a podcast.

It could be a TV episode, it could be a book, it could be an article online, whatever it is, you came across this thing and it's so interesting.

And then the point is you have to ask them, what do you think about it? So it's a dialogue. So you're not the person to say, I want to do this, but it's like, what do you think? It just opens up.

It starts a conversation.

It's so effective. I love that idea.
I have used it so many times with my partner. I have I ever used it? I don't know.
I'm, well, obviously. You use it tonight.

I'm kind of like the opposite, you know, but I like that idea. I just come, I just come and say what I want.
Yeah, yeah. Which I know sometimes, you know, if it's

a new receiver. Yeah.

But usually the guys that date to me, because they know I do the show, they feel really comfortable telling me what they want to do. Like they tell me their fantasies.

They tell me the kinky shit that they were never, they were too embarrassed to tell the previous partner because they're like, oh, you know, you're so open-minded. I want to.

What's like the kinkiest thing you've ever heard one of these guys said.

So, from a guy, like my ex-boyfriend, this guy that I was dating last year, and I was really, we didn't do it, by the way, guys.

I broke up with him because he was a pathological liar and kind of like a drunk, but whatever.

But he came to me. He was like, he told me that his biggest fantasy, and by the way, this was a guy that was married for a long time and had shitty sex with his wife forever and ever and ever.

So now he's like in his 50s and he started, you know, having a little bit of midlife crisis, but that's a whole other story.

He told me that his biggest fantasy was he wanted to watch me suck another guy's dick.

Oh, cuckolding. Yeah, we read, oh, is that what it's called?

Yeah, there's a term for everything. It's called huck holding.
You should do like addiction or sexuality.

Because

I never heard that before. And I never did it.
I was like, oh, okay.

When we were having sex and he told me that, I was super turned on because he was getting turned on.

And after, like the morning after, he was a little embarrassed he was like oh i think i was drunk and i said it's okay it's okay to tell your partner what you want to do it right it doesn't matter if i want to do it or not but it's good that you actually spoke up about what you want i think it's so courageous because sex is very vulnerable and sexual fantasies and kings

They're really hard to say. Yes.
Because it's like, oh, what will they think of me? Right. And people don't want other people to think of them poorly.
They want people to think of them positively.

But that's the problem, Dr. Tara, that a lot of people, and I have guy friends that say that to me, oh, I suggested to her that we do whatever.
Like, I told her I wanted to handcuff her.

And she was like, ew, oh my God.

Because unfortunately, a lot of women have this reaction. Right.
That is unfortunate. And I think we need to teach women and men too.

We need to teach people that your first reaction to anything that your partner says says should be curiosity. Yeah.
Like, oh, that's interesting. Like, how did you get into that? Right?

Like, ask a question instead of saying, ew, or that's gross, or I would never do that, or that's perverted. Like, don't place judgment

on other people just because they were born with these kinks.

Have curiosity. Like, how did you get into it? And have you done it before?

I think most people have fantasies that are unfulfilled. And the problem is, most of them don't have the courage to speak up.

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fantasies.

Consensual non-consent. And they are very ashamed about it.

And so speaking of that, it's kind of similar to bondage.

Right? Consensual non-consent. No.
Consensual non-consent is sort of like

it's non-consensual sex. Right.

But they know that it's going to happen. It's kind of like rape play.
Yeah. Yeah.
But they know it's going to happen.

They consent to it happening, but it's like forcing your partner to have sex with you, but it's role play.

A lot of people have this fantasy. Yeah.
But they are too afraid to share it with their partner because they're afraid that their partner will go like, why do you want to be forced?

Yeah, so I think it's not about that. So how you said if somebody brings a suggests a sexual fantasy to you, even if it's something you don't want to do, don't be mean and rude, right?

Like you said, like, why do you want to do that? Are you crazy? You're a perfect. Like, I think it's okay to say no, right?

If somebody brings up an idea, like my wife said to me, if I didn't want to do it, I would, I could say, you know, that's amazing, but I'm not ready for it, right?

You don't have to be like, oh my God, you know, you're such a pervert, right? Yeah. Because then he's going to be a little bit more like that.
I think I'm not ready for it is a great response. Yeah.

Because it doesn't mean mean it's a no forever. Yeah.
Just I'm not there yet. Yeah.
Yeah.

I was curious about doing it, by the way, because it's something I never did. I was like, huh, you know, lucky me, two guys for me, if that's what you want.
Yeah.

I mean, a lot of people are nowadays in ethical non-monogamy. Yeah, that's a, oh my God, that's a whole other episode, right? That's, oh my God, that's, that's more complicated.

Let's talk about bondage because I know you probably got a lot of questions about that. And I I got a lot of questions about that.
You did an incredible video on your Instagram.

You guys should go check it out. And I think you are very vulnerable on the video because you talk about how you went to Ibiza, right? And you let this lady tie you up a lot.

And you mentioned that it's all about relinquishing total control. You're literally tied there and there's nothing you can do about it.
It's such a trust game.

It's a huge trust game. And I know a lot of...
Because you literally can't move an inch. Right.
And I mean, in your video, I was like, well, I don't know if I will do that.

Because that's like, it wasn't just the hands

or just the feet.

I was suspended. Yeah.
Yeah. But so if somebody's listening, they're like, yeah, that's my fantasy.
I would love to play this game.

Is there a way to approach? Like, if both people say, I want to try it out, but, you know, I'm a little scared. It is very vulnerable.
How do you, you know, feel more comfortable about it?

I highly recommend reaching out to a professional dominatrix or a professional Shibari bondage practitioner. It's a very hard practice.
It's not easy to do.

If you think of doing it at home, maybe try handcuffs that you can buy at stores or online, like fluffy handcuffs. But if you want to try Shibari, where it's like

tying the ropes and it's very complex and you're afraid you can't get out of it, like go to a professional. It's actually a very hard practice.
Like, I look at her and I'm like, oh, wow.

It took her like 45 minutes to tie my whole body and get me into the position. So it's not something to just casually do at home.
But I think it's a really fun practice to go as a couple.

Like, if you're in a relationship and you're like, oh, let's go explore this.

Like, Google and try to find credible Dominatrix or Shibari or bondage practitioner and go to their studio and do it there. Have a good time.
Oh my God, I had no idea that this exists.

Yeah, so it's the studio. So she does, she's a Dominatrix, and she does Shibari.
And so I went to her studio in Ibiza, and that's where we did it together.

So, but why would people go to us to just to learn how to do it so they can do it at home with their partners?

You can learn how to do it, but you can also just go to receive, like go to be to get bondage done to you. Because it turns you on.
It can be, it turns you on.

It can be a practice to explore further into the sexuality realm because I've tried so many things already in sex. So I just want to

push more.

I want to push it and I want to know what else turns me on. And also so you can speak, you can, now you can speak with authority.
With real experience. Yeah.
And it did. It turned me on so bad.

Oh, wow. I was very turned on.
So after that, I really wanted to have sex. Were you with somebody there? Oh, good.
I was in pain. You were in pain.
Yeah. Yeah, because it looks painful.

But it's also a good type of pain if you're into that stuff, right? It is. Yeah, it was, it was, yeah.
I was in sort of a trance. Like, oh, wow.
Like, I have to return to. Did you ever say?

Yeah. Oh, okay.

But I surrender completely and I was tied up. My whole body was tied up, cannot move an inch.
Then I was suspended in the air and I was kind of hung up there for a while. Wow.

And you really have to trust your dom. Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's why you can't do it at home, like casually. Yeah, that's for professionals.

But then when you got out of it, you went back to your hotel room and had wild sex with your partner. Yeah, I mean,

it was a fun act. It was a really fun thing to experience because also,

I feel like in my life

with owning a business and being a professor, I make a lot of decisions. And I'm like always this boss bitch.
I don't want to be boss bitch all the time.

And for that one hour that I wasn't, it actually was liberating. And oh my God, it just felt so good.
I cried. Oh.

Not from pain, but from just

like feeling so relieved

for not doing anything and just following instructions. I love it.

When I was looking at your post, I really, that's how I memorize so much of it because I really identify, because like you said, you're the boss bitch. And it's the same.

In my personal life, I'm in charge 15, 16 hours a day, like my business, my show, da, da, da, my daughter. So in my personal relationships, I totally want to like give up control.

I think you would love Shibari. I don't.
You would be such a cute robot. I'm a little claustrophobic.
I know, but when you learn to trust the dom, she gives you good space.

This is for me, this is what I say. If I'm with the right partner, if I'm really into that person, I'm open to exploring different things that would be good for you know what I mean?

Like, I'm super open-minded. I don't just say no, this is discussed.

Because I think in a relationship, like you were saying, the more interesting things you bring into it, the more open-minded you are, the richer your sex life will be, right?

Yes, and the richer you will be. Yeah, for a good sex life contributes to like better business, more money coming in,

better skin, better hair. Like, just good sex life contributes to a lot of things.
I hope people listen to you because I keep repeating this over.

Even before I did the podcast, I remember I used to always say, but I keep repeating this on the podcast over and over and over again if people were having better sex and more sex I think in general the world would be a better place I know 100%

because I think a lot of issues like people are angry and pissed and all these bottled up issues I think a lot of it would go away if these people were having amazing sex life

because they have like so much resentment in their relationship. Right.
And when you're resentful of your partner, it shows up everywhere. It does.

You're just bitter and angry, and you don't show up as your best self. I know, totally.
So I want to talk about another topic that I know it's really hot, at least for my listeners.

Maybe you have some tips. Dirty talk, kinky talk.

I love dirty talk. I don't like sex in silence.
Do you? No, no, no. I think it's so bad.
I'm a huge fan of dirty talk. Right? Like, if I'm having sex with the guy and he's like,

I'm,

are you enjoying it? Do you like it?

I want action. I want talk even better.

But again, I know a lot of people are so embarrassed. What am I supposed to say? I remember there was even an episode of Sex in the City.
I don't even remember.

Oh, yeah, is it with Charlotte? And she like freaked out. Yeah.
Because he was like, you dirty smut. Like, as he has orgasms.
Exactly.

And I remember watching that episode because I watched Sex in the City all the time. And I was like,

she should be having fun. Like, the guy is letting it go and calling her.
But she was horrified.

So if somebody wants to try it out, or for those who are very shy and bad, both men and women, any easy baby steps? Yeah, the baby step would be just use words of desire.

You don't have to go derogatory terms. You don't have to be intense.
It doesn't have to be super spicy. You can use words of desires.

For example, you can say, you can look at someone intensely and say, I want you.

You can look at someone intensely and go and ask a question, do you want me?

Do you want me to come? Do you want me to come for you? Only these will turn them on so hard. Just be really into it when you say it.
Like you don't have to say crazy things.

Even these words, which I call words of desires, they are so effective. I love them.
Yeah.

Anything is better than just laying there quietly. Oh, yeah, totally.
And also, like, men go crazy when their woman says, like, do you want me to come for you?

They go crazy. It works every time.
Oh, really?

Okay, I'll try that.

Try it tonight.

I, as, look, like I said, as long as you don't lay there, like, you know, you're dead. I remember a few years ago, I was dating this guy.

And same issue with all the guys that were married for a long time and had a horrible sex life with their wives.

They are so shy. Yeah, the guy was laying there.
I remember the first time we had sex and he came. I didn't even notice until he told me.
Oh my gosh. Yeah, because he was so quiet.

And then it took a few times. And then, you know, after a while, he was like, yeah, okay, now I feel I can speak up with you.

But guys, if you're listening, like no woman wants you just laying there saying nothing, right? That's so boring. I think when guys say words of command, it's really hot.

So like if as they have sex with you and they penetrate you and they say like, come for me, come for me, that's really hot.

If you are really into it and you're like, you know, doing the strokes and you just keep saying, come for me, come for me, like, that's really hot.

Another thing is,

like,

basically, like, come here and turn over, right? Like, just command the space because then she will feel more taken care of.

Women feel more turned on when the man is confident in bed. And one way to show confidence is to talk confidently

With a lot of self-assurance and not like, do you want to try this? Like, no, no, no, no, no. Say, don't, don't ask.
Just do it. Yeah.
Well, say, you know,

I'm going to do this to you, right? Like, say, like, I want to fuck you from behind. Turn around.
Yeah. Right.
And if she doesn't want to do it, she'll tell you. But like, we want to hear confidence.

For sure. 1 million percent.
But also, that goes for women.

Don't be too shy. Like you're in bad.
I know a lot of girls and I don't like when I get this message, like, oh, you know, I'm too shy. What if he notices, you know, the cellulite on my leg?

What if I'm like, I don't think

I don't think any guy, like when you're in bed, they're gonna be noticing like

imperfections of your body, they're gonna be like noticing the whole package, right?

But a lot of girls say they're very shy when they're in bed in terms of telling what

are a few phrases that women could say that would turn the guy on? I want you. I want you.
Yeah.

I want you. I want you to fuck me.
Yeah, that one always works. It works every time.

And I would say,

do you want me to come for you? That works every time. Yeah.
I like that. I love all of those.
Now, I want to debunk this myth and I want to know your opinion because I think this is so.

fucking absurd. It annoys the living daylights out of me.
And I've had many matchmakers, I say experts with quotes because nowadays anybody's, you know, self-proclaimed. Yeah, I'm an expert.

Like, no, yeah, but anyhow, a lot of people have said when you start dating someone, like I was saying, my situations, but like you're dating someone and you go on one, two, three dates, no, no, no.

Me, I want to know if I have sexual chemistry with the person I'm dating.

I want to know. I don't want to date a dude for three, five, six months without knowing if we click sexually.

But a lot of the experts, including famous ones, say withhold sex, wait, because the minute you give them sex, that's men and it's the pheromones, hormone, whatever it is, they're not going to be interested anymore and they're going to think you're a slut and you do this with every guy.

So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Some people say wait 90 days.
Some people say, I had this very famous person that came on the show.

She was like, oh, wait until you are in a monogamous, committed relationship

wow and to me i was like i don't want to be in a monogamous committed relationship with this guy if i haven't seen him naked what if i don't like it and vice versa so what is your take on this

so i'm gonna educate from a very objective standpoint

and this is what research shows and this is what um the theory states when it comes to having sex on the first date and this is the truth the truth is don't listen to all these people that give you specific timeline because everyone is on their own fucking timeline.

Yeah. Everyone.
So don't listen to expert that gives you a prescription because it does not work that way. It depends on who you are, who they are, where you are in life.

There's so many variables that come into play that you just can't follow other people's prescription. Now,

how do you approach sex on the first date? Yes or no? There There are two school of thoughts and I want you to really think about it and think about who you are and what you subscribe to.

Don't listen to these other people. The first one is school.

The first school is sexual restraint. So the school of sexual restraint states that you withhold sex until you feel emotionally connected to them.
Then you have sex. Right.

The second school is sexual compatibility school.

This school states, have sex on the first date, then you'll know if you are sexually compatible or not, then you can use that as your criteria to make sense whether or not you want to date this person further.

It depends on which school you subscribe to. Whatever.
No right or wrong answer.

Yeah. My answer is.
I subscribe to sexual compatibility school because I like having sex with people knowing whether or not we're going to be together in the future.

If I have sex with you on a first date, it's also because I already have chemistry with you I don't just have sex with anybody like I have sex with people that I have chemistry with if the chemistry is strong I will have sex on the first date and so far they all want to marry me.

So I don't know what the problem is

Who would yeah, exactly. I marry I mean my my husband and I we had sex on the first date and you know

oh my god, that's so funny because same my husband and I well, yeah, it was it was yeah, it was

second that like you talked before, yeah, and then you went on a date, and the date was so good.

We just had sex on the first date, and then I was, it was confirmed that we have sexual compatibility, which is great. But I have many friends that subscribe to sexual restraint school, right?

Right, I respect them, but they go by their own timeline, right? There's no like six months, nine months. Like, yeah, I feel like,

of course, if you want to, if you want to live your life that way, I totally agree, but don't play this game like, oh, I'm going to withhold sex from him

until he tells me I'm exclusive, until he does ABCDE. I think that can backfire.
Oh, yeah. Although a lot of women think it cannot.
No, it backfires.

Yeah, I think that's like, and I've had, like, remember a long time ago, at the beginning of the podcast, I had a really good guy friend come on the show, and he was like, he used this really funny expression.

He said, oh, if you're like withholding your vagina hostage to play with my life, I'm going to go and have sex with someone else.

So usually that's not an ideal game to play with a man, right? Just follow your gut, I guess. Follow your gut.
And also, you know, sex isn't something you give away. Sex is something you enjoy

with a partner that respects you. So it can be, whether it's committed relationship, casual sex, whatever it is, as long as they respect you as a human being, you can have great sex.

And again, sex isn't something that's being done to you. It's not something that you lose, that you have to withhold.
It's something you enjoy. It's pleasurable.

So, why wouldn't you do something you enjoy? It's like if you love sushi, why would you withhold yourself from eating sushi? I don't get it.

Like, just eat sushi.

Yeah, just eat it. You love sushi, eat the sushi.
Why are you withholding? What is the point? If it feels right for you, just freaking do it, right? No games. Yeah,

i love you i think this is such good advice for me i always say that you know i normally don't have sex on the first date but it's not because i'm withholding it it's because i kind of i'm a major psychiosexual like i need the mental connection intellectual connection yeah i need that that's what really turns me on

smart men right oh yeah oh my god yeah what if they're really hot and not smart i don't care what may well to me what turns me on in a man is not not so much the it's what's intelligent Yeah, that it turns me on more than anything else, like how they think, what they say, how they talk, you know, the way they behave.

I'm shallow, I love abs.

Which you're entitled to be. See, I don't really care about that.

I love abs. I love arms.

I love hands. That's the thing.

When a guy walks in, it's the first thing I look at the guy is the hands. Like big hand or small hand? No, they have to be like big, powerful, thick.

Like if the guy has like skinny fingers or something.

i've been on dates on first dates that i look at the guy and i'm like okay this is never gonna work i like small fingers that means they can finger you good

but you know like we have different

preferences

for me i've always been a sucker for hands i don't know it turns me on like crazy i'm a hands person a hands girl yeah hands so if i look at the dude like in 10 seconds i know if it's a guy i would date or not really yes so so

if they want to date you just send a picture to your dm i've asked before I'm like, can I please see your hands? And they're like, why?

When I'm texting the guy, I'm like, can I please see your hands? DM her. DM her your hands, guys.
DM me. I do that.
So apply. Oh my God.
Because I've been in situations that I was on a first date.

And when the guy shows up and I look at his hands, I'm like, I do not want to sit through this dinner for two hours because there is no way in hell this guy is going to mine is abs. So abs, okay.

If you don't have apps, don't DM me.

That's at least we know what we like. Yeah, exactly.
So I think I love, you said so many powerful things.

And as long as it's important to you, like you said, it's not like a one prescription for everyone. Never, never.
And don't listen to experts

that say that there is a prescription. Like, here's a recipe.
It's bullshit.

And last but not least, on this topic, I think, like you said about your husband, my husband, if it's the right person for you, they're not going to judge you. No.
Like, oh my God, what a heart.

We just had sex on the first date. Oh, yeah.
You know, if they did that, my husband loved your person. Yeah, same.
He was like, my husband married me. Yeah.
To like

feel so sexually connected to you. I said, no, I know.
Sexual connection is powerful.

And when you really harness it and foster that connection, it fuels every aspect of the relationship. Ever since we've been together, we have grown so much as a person.

We have made so much more money. Our businesses have grown so much.
And we attribute part of it to our sexual connection. Oh, for sure.

Look, nobody should be in an unhappy, like in a relationship with a horrible sex life. And I think you made a post or a comment about that on another podcast.
Like, it's not worth it. No, it's not.

It is a really important part of a healthy, amazing relationship. If you're not having great sex with your partner, get help.
Read the book, call you.

Yeah, well, when you read the book, how do you like it? You'll learn all about yourself, like who you are as a sexual person. So you'll have language to start talking about it.

You also learn who your partner is. Yeah,

in bed, truly, and not just the things that they lie about. Yeah, 1 million percent.
Now, before we run out of time, I want to talk about something that I think is very, very important.

A lot of single people out there, just because you're single, it doesn't mean you need to sit at home feeling miserable and not pleasuring yourself. Masturbate.
Oh, masturbation is is so good.

Oh my god, but

it breaks my heart how many women, especially because for a guy, it's almost like a natural instinct, right? They do it. But girls, and I have girlfriends, they're like, Oh, I don't have a

vibrator.

Get a vibrator. Yeah, it's such an important and healthy part of life, right? You don't need to wait for a partner, like keep entertaining yourself in the meantime, right?

When you masturbate and when you orgasm, you release dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin, which is great for your physical health, mental health, and sexual health. So I highly recommend masturbating.

It's a self-care practice. Yes.
It's like put on a mask, get in a bath, you know, masturbate before you sleep. And it feels so good.
It relieves

stress. Oh, my God.
I'm a huge fan of masturbating. Same.
I'm a huge advocate. If I'm traveling and I'm not with a partner, I'm masturbating like three, four times a week.
Oh, my, no, same.

Like now that I'm single, this year I decided to, you know, take a break. Like I'm on this dating diet a little bit and everything.

I'm still, you know, having a lot of time. How long do you masturbate? Like three times a week?

Usually more.

Honestly, almost every now and then. That's why your skin's so good.
Thank you. People with good skin.

Every time I ask them, they masturbate a lot. Yeah, yeah.
No, we age with great skin for sure. When you do it, I do have good skin.

Sometimes I might skip a night because, you know, sometimes, of course, I come home late or I'm I'm exhausted. But in general, I just freaking do it because I love it.
No, you know, it relaxes me,

puts me like in a great mood. Sometimes I even do it like in the morning on the weekends.
And like vibrators are like such a gift. Like such a gift.
It's so pleasurable to use a vibrator.

I'm so glad you're saying that because

when I hear women saying, like, no, I don't do it, I'm like, why?

No shame in the masturbation game. No, please do it, right? Please do it.
Oh my God. So many internet.
That's

yes that's homework and the book when is the book out for everybody out there the book is already out for pre-order and it will start shipping on october 21st how do you like it a guide for getting what you want in bed which is what we all deserve and what we want dr tara congratulations you're doing incredible work what's your instagram so people can follow you my instagram is lovebites l-u-v-b-i-t-l-l-oh yeah i love that name lovebites.com lovebites and i'm putting the link for her website on this episode if you guys are listening to the audio episode and on the video episode, her link is here, so you can go there, check out her work, get the book.

Fantastic read. You are unbelievable, even more beautiful in person.
That's fine. And by the way, you have fantastic fashion scents.
We have the same fashion. We have the same.

I'm like, thank God I didn't wear it today, but it would have been cute.

Next time, I'm definitely going to invite you back because I know we're going to have a million more questions for you and we're running out of time. Thank you so much.
Thank you.

It was such an honor to have you. Guys, go have great sex out there.

Thank you.

Bye. Be safe.