DATING DECODED with Dr. DAN ROSENFELD PHD

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My guest today, Dr. Dan Rosenfeld, is a psychologist, dating coach, and author whose work has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic, and NPR.

His posts on Instagram are absolutely fantastic. I love his insights.
This is an information packed episode about the world of dating relationships.

I hope you guys enjoyed this amazing conversation with the fantastic Dr. Dan.
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Dr. Dan, welcome to Kat on the Lose.
Thank you, Kat. Good to be here.
Thank you so much for coming over. I'm very excited to talk to you.
Likewise. Not only you're a dating coach, but you're also PhD.

So, you you know, I feel like you can help us figure out the chaos that dating has become a little better than most people.

It's definitely chaotic, right? And as I was saying, you're doing such a fantastic job on your Instagram. There's so many amazing insights.
I have a lot I want to pack in, so let's rock and roll.

Let's pack it. Okay, I want to start with something that has been my opinion lately, and I want to know if you agree with me or not.

I see a lot of posts on social media, like some influencers, some dating coaches, quote unquote, you know, some a girl, a 29-year-old girl that wrote a book saying really negative things about dating and love and relationships.

Basically, a lot of women telling other women, like, I'm gonna be single forever,

there are no good men out there. The other, this girl, this 29-year-old girl, she was like, oh, dating is dead, nobody's gonna do that.
And I'm like, whoa, that I think that's a gross exaggeration.

And I don't like the narrative because I'm a huge believer in love and going for it. How do you feel about that? Do you see that as well? And what do you think about it?

It's the people are talking about the doomsday of dating, right? Exactly.

Yeah, I think this is kind of analogous to like, there's research showing that people think that morals have gone out the window with society today.

There's psychological study showing that people think that today humans are a lot less moral than they've ever been before. Really? And that's similar to people thinking that dating is harder today.

It's part truth, it's part cognitive bias.

So the reason people think that morality is so bad today is that we have more news cycles, we have more nuanced problems, and that creates this idea that things are really bad today.

And there are a lot of bad things. But morality, like dating, has always had a lot of problems.
And today,

I do think that there are a lot of things about dating that are worse, a lot of things that are more difficult. Yeah.

And if you look at my Instagram, you will see, you will see there are a lot of negative experiences. We're going to talk a lot about that.

But I think that it's part truth and it's part.

like narrative, it's part availability heuristics, as we call it in psychology, where we're just inundated with so much negativity because that's what algorithms on social media, that's what news cycles disseminate more.

It gets more reach. And so seeing all this negativity, we just don't see the positive as much.
Yeah, and I feel, and I'm not a doctor, it's just my observation.

These women that are putting posts out there, like, I'm going to be single forever. You know, it's great to be single forever.
And there are no good men out there. And dating is dead.

I think it's their own issues, their own unresolved chaos, and they're trying to project in an audience because it makes them feel better.

You know, if you're feeling like shit and you have an audience, it's like, okay, at least I'm not feeling like shit by myself. Yeah.
So I don't think it's a good idea.

Like the message they're sending to other women. Yeah, I wouldn't.
Well, there are two things with being single: one, there's good, single, and bad, single. Yeah.

So good, single is because you just know that you're not meant to be in a long-term relationship. There's nothing wrong with that.
Be single if that's you.

Don't force yourself to be in a relationship.

And then there's, of course, good single in short term to understand yourself to heal before you get back out there and date. But there's also a bad single, which is toxic single.

It's self-fulfilling prophecy where you're like, nobody out there is good and I'm obviously fucking great and no one's going to see my worth. And so I'm going to be single forever.
Like, guess what?

Part of that's because you have the mindset that you're going to be single forever.

You have the mindset that everyone out there is horrible and that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy a lot of the time. Yeah, and people like that very probably should go see a therapist, right?

I think most people should go see a therapist.

I don't know, but I feel that. No, I agree.
I agree that part. But I, and I also feel the same.

I always say I'm not an expert. I'm not a doctor.
It's just my vibe on things. I think whatever you decide for yourself becomes your reality.
That's right.

So like like if you decide all men suck, like everybody out there sucks. I've been heartbroken once.
I'm never going to trust anybody again. Okay, great.
And that's what you're going to get.

That's right. People with trust issues find people who are not trustworthy to date.

And if you go on a date thinking that everybody, you know, let's say you live in LA, you date in LA and you go, every guy in LA sucks.

And then you go on a date with a guy from LA, you're not going to be looking for the reasons of why he's a great person.

Your mind is going to be looking to validate your pre-existing belief that this guy probably sucks so that you can go back to your friends and say, see, I told you I was right.

And so that you can literally go back to your own mind and say, I was right all along. Of course, I was right.
And people look. for the evidence that supports their pre-existing beliefs.

Yeah, and I don't think that's a good idea because I'm a huge believer in never giving up on love. But that's a question.
Thank you. That's a question that I get a lot and I don't know how to answer.

Maybe you can help us. Like a lot of women send me this, but men too.
They're like, oh, but I was heartbroken. Like she cheated on me.
He cheated on me. My guard is up.

Like, how am I going to trust again? I don't care. Now they have this mindset like, you know, it's going to happen to me again.
I cannot trust. Everybody's a cheater, la la la.

Is there any tricks or ideas or suggestions?

Like, how do you shift that mindset to say, you know what, just because somebody did something wrong to me doesn't mean the next person is going to do the same.

Well yeah, this is literally a cognitive bias called overgeneralization, where you take one case and then say, because I had this experience with this one case, I am going to assume that every case in that category, maybe the category is men, maybe women, maybe human.

are going to be exactly like that case. So if you go to the grocery store and you get a bad apple and then you're like, I ate an apple today.
That was horrible. I'm never going to eat apples again.

That's a ridiculous conclusion. I love that analogy.
Thank you. Thank you.
You cannot think that all the fruit is spoiled because one fruit is spoiled. Exactly.
Exactly.

You have to realize that in every scenario, there's going to be hopefully a small percentage that are toxic, spoiled, bad.

When you encounter those cases, you don't go, every case is like that, because it's just not true. You go, maybe some cases are like that.
I will avoid those cases.

I might not know those those cases exist until i experience them but when i do i'm not going to you know be in contact with that person further i love and you look elsewhere yeah and i also for me for my experience and i always say that on the podcast if somebody did something really bad to you like let's say you've been cheated on it's very painful right it's horrible but if you give up on love and you decide like i'm never going to be in a good relationship again basically you're letting that bad person win so to speak like basically like you said the apple, like, okay, that apple was spoiled.

I love apples, but I'm never going to eat an apple again. Like, congratulations, you let that crap win.
And I always say, like, I don't want to let the cycles I dated win, you know what I mean?

The love game. And that's what I, that's where I would say that person didn't win, the cycle one.
Yes. People, there's no winners and losers with people in dating.

There are winners and losers with ourself versus our mind. And if you are not winning, it means that your mind is winning and your mind's toxic patterns are winning.
I love that.

but is there a way like i know a lot of people out there listening they're like i don't care i'm being burned i don't want to get burned again is there an easy way to shift that mindset you have to find somebody who's very safe you have to be with somebody who reteaches you the lessons you've learned previously so you can't heal in the same place where you were harmed so you can't date the same kind of people who gave you that narrative in the first place Yeah, I totally, you got to give it a chance.

That's right. Yeah.
You did a post on your social media that I really loved. I took a few notes because I didn't want to forget about it.
Modern dating traps. Yes.
Right.

I think all of us have been through this at one time or another, such as future faking. You're going to help me explain what that is.
Ghosting, which is horrible, right?

I think we've all been ghosted. Mind games.
Bread crumbing. which is also horrible, giving you the bare, bare, bare minimum.
Nobody wants crumbs. Love bombing,

which is like giving you too much too soon and you don't really mean it and then you burn out, right?

How do we,

or if there is a way to avoid being a victim of all of this,

is there a way to spot it?

The best way to spot these toxic dating patterns is to look for how the other person communicates early on.

So when you meet them, which maybe that's in person, through friends, through a dating app, look for their communication pattern. Is it consistent? Is it reliable? And is it honest?

And does it seem authentic? Does it seem curious to get to know you? Or does it seem like a ploy to win you over? What is the person's goal here?

Hopefully their goal should be genuine connection and not some ulterior motive, like to gain power, manipulation, or to make their attention a currency that they want you to seek.

I would say as well, the hard truth is you don't know a lot of these things until you experience it.

And so you have to be cautiously optimistic. You have to not be pessimistic, but not be blind-eyed optimism.

And so you have to put yourself out there and experience some toxic people, perhaps, and have a good intuition of knowing when to step away from those people. I totally agree with you.

And I think, especially for women, it's hard to spot love bombing because

when we meet someone, you know, you love that attention, right? If the guy's like like all over you, making plans, oh my god, you're amazing.

It feels so good. We have a tendency of like letting the guard down.

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How do you know the difference? Like, oh, wow, this guy is really into me or maybe this is a little much.

Well, you know, what's really interesting is so, since you mentioned women getting love bombed, is that one of the things that women are most attracted to, especially in men, is charisma.

And charisma is one of the key indicators that would perhaps, you know, show that somebody might be a love bomber or at least be able to get away with it.

So extremely charismatic people who are just so confident and charismatic, able to charm you over, that's a big sign that it might be love-bombing if that charisma is not paired with genuine interest in getting to know you.

You also have to ask, how soon is this person giving me floods of affection and interest? Is it soon enough that it is simply because I am a person they are dating?

Or is it late enough that it is unique to who I am as a person? Is it because of me?

or because of what I represent to them. Wow, that's very, very, very good insight.
I personally think

it's almost impossible or impossible to like fall madly in love with someone that you just met, like two weeks into it, four weeks into it, right?

I had one of my best guy friends, he was dating this girl. And like two weeks into it, he's like, oh, I'm madly in love with her.
I'm like,

you can't love, you barely get to know someone, right? So there's no two weeks. There's no such thing as love at first sight.
There's such a thing as infatuation.

Yes, yes. There's such a big difference.
So people cannot fall in love at first sight, but they believe they are in love because they are so infatuated.

So they have a mental preoccupation very similar to how addiction works on a neurological level with somebody they meet the moment they meet them because that person, it could literally be as simple as their scent and a very subconscious.

hormonal or other scents that their body's giving off that clicks in our brain um like pheromones it could be non-verbal body language that that person gives off that reminds you of someone you knew many decades ago.

It could be even a caregiver. There are so many of these subconscious things that spark early attraction in ways that are not love.
They are infatuation and can very much resemble addictive cycles.

Yeah, so what do you suggest? Like, let's say you meet someone and you really like that person, and I hear that all the time, I love him, I love her, that's my person.

You suggest like pace it, like take your time for, like, I say

at least the first 90 days are a good, right? It's a good like timeline in terms of getting to know the person.

Yeah, it's awesome you say 90 days because that's three months, which is regarded as three to six months is a transition cycle from early dating to more mid-dating.

And so three to six months is actually the phase in dating where you go from early infatuation and butterflies and fantasy land

to the conflict resolution stage where you're seeing do you have the potential to resolve conflict with this person. That's why a lot of breakups happen between three to six months.

A lot of early breakups, there are kind of two main waves of early breakups. And one is about three to six months.
And those couples are not able to go from

honeymoon infatuation, lovey-dovey vibes to conflict resolution and deeper connection.

There's also another wave at around two years, where two years is a point at which the longer term infatuation starts to wear off, and it's a time at which you transition from a long-term relationship into what we might consider an ultra-long-term relationship.

And that's also a pivotal break-a-point. Yeah, I think the first few months, at least for me, I don't want to say I love you too quickly.
I think that's a red flag.

Yeah, that's a key sign of love bombing is saying I love you within the first few months. Yeah, like, oh, you're the woman of my life.
Yeah. Like, they just, they take you on three, four days.

Like, oh my God. Yeah, have you? I think that, yes, I have.
I've been burned, yeah, yeah,

I've been burned and bombed, yeah, burned and bombed, but now I'm like, you know, I like to say, I learned from my mistakes, right? You don't want to keep making the same mistakes.

We should all be more like cat. Everyone, listen, learn from your mistakes, please, because you're making a lot of mistakes.
But wait, how many times?

How many times have we made those mistakes? It doesn't matter. No matter how many times, I mean, you don't want to make 3,000 mistakes.

It's a matter of are they the same mistakes? Exactly. Are you making the same mistake over and over? No, I think at this point, Dr.
Dan, I have made all the mistakes at least once.

So at this point, I'm like, okay, I'm done making mistakes.

This is why I'm so like, first of all, I think it's really important. I learned how to be really, really happy with myself.
I think that's so important. Right?

I always say that if you learn how, because so many women are afraid of being alone, they keep jumping from one dude to the next and the next simply because they're so afraid of being alone.

And I think if you learn, like for me, this was a journey, but I realized like I love my company. I love my life.

I am so fulfilled. I don't need a partner.

I want a partner. So that's a very peaceful, like it lets you chill in terms of dating.
Like you're not going to take any crap. No, it's what you said there.
For the first, that's right.

That's exactly right. And there are so many things that you said there to unpack is the first thing is that there's a big difference between needing and wanting a relationship.

And so if you're in a place where you feel as though you need it, you're not ready for it. You have to want it.
You cannot feel as though you need it.

And this isn't about being chased versus being the chaser. This is a game with yourself.
This is if you feel that you need a relationship to be happy, that relationship is not going to make you happy.

It is going to make you cling to an illusion of happiness that only comes from outside of yourself. So that's the first thing.
And I think that

you have to as well find peace in singlehood that being single has to be a peaceful time because there are a lot of people who unfortunately would rather be in a chaotic relationship than a peaceful singlehood right because loneliness and again being single is not loneliness but people think that it is and the idea that solitude loneliness being on your own is so scary yeah that they'd rather be in an abusive relationship than be healthy and feel in solitude at the time how do you break the pattern?

Because I completely agree with you. I know a lot of women, I know a lot of couples like that, right? I get messages from people from all over the world.

They're like, oh, I'm in this miserable marriage, but I don't have the balls to get out. That's right.

I was married for 15 years. It took me 15 years to get the hell out of the super abusive marriage.
And so people ask me, how do I do it? How do I start over? What's the first step? It's so hard.

I mean, getting out of the longer the relationship, the harder it is to get out. And more than the amount of time you're together, the more intertwined your lives are, the harder it is.

If you are living together, that is a massive, massive hurdle than if you are in a long-term relationship, but not cohabitating and living separately. A big thing is how intertwined your finances are.

That's huge, especially for women who tend to have,

if they're with a man, they might control more of the money, perhaps,

or at least have the threat of more control. There are, of course, threats that exist with leaving.
If you have kids together, that's perhaps the biggest barrier.

And then if you're married versus not married, married, you have legal systems. So you have legal, financial, housing, children,

so many different systems

that are going to keep you in a bad relationship. And so

the fewer of those systems you have, the easier it is. And this is all about how you have to understand what that relationship feels like, why you are in it.

and whether it is nourishing you or depleting you soon, ideally within a few months, definitely a year or two of dating. And it's so hard to let that go on for years and years.

And when you do get to that point,

it's so much harder to date out. So it's amazing that you did, for example, and a lot of other people who do.
It is amazing. But I always say, I hope nobody waits as long as I did.
Right.

Because, like you said, the longer you wait, the harder it gets. And nowadays, looking back, I always think that

doesn't matter how hard it is, every day that you stay in a miserable, unhappy, toxic, unhealthy relationship is just a day wasted

as opposed to building a new life and trying to find the right person for you, right? That's right.

I think a lot of people have a like delusional optimism that can lead them into longer-term relationships that are not going well. There's always a belief a lot of people subscribe to where

things will get better. This person will change.
They'll get better. I'll tolerate more of their bullshit and, you know, feel better about it.
And none of those things are true.

Whatever situation you're currently in in a relationship,

unless you're going through a rough patch, odds are it's probably the best it's going to be. And unless you're both willing to put in work, it's not going to get better on its own.

Yeah, totally agree. Now, I want to ask you something and you tell me if you think I'm crazy because a lot of my inner circle, they think like I'm totally the lulu.
I see the world with this rose,

rose color. You should see some of my comments on Instagram.

But this is nowadays, this is how I feel. I know,

because of social media, right? Everybody calls themselves an expert. Everybody calls themselves a dating coach, la la la la la.
And they keep, like, for example, there are a lot of posts like this.

This is what you should do to make him call you. Don't do this.
Don't do that. This is how you marry a rich guy.
This is how you, and I always laugh. Yeah.
Because in my mind,

I think a healthy relationship, like when two people want to be together, that's it.

You should not need games,

tactics, plans, all this BS, which is freaking exhausting, right? That's right. Do you agree? I absolutely agree.
You know what the opposite of games are? Authenticity. Authenticity.

So like games are inherently inauthentic, right? So do you want to build a relationship off of inauthenticity? Of course not.

And yet so many women do it because these dating coaches are literally telling them. Like, for example, the texting back, like, oh, make him wait 12 hours or a day, play hard to get.

Like, it is existing. It's horrible.

Well, it's horrible, yeah. But yeah,

most women are doing that. Well, people want simple solutions to big problems, right? So dating is a big problem.
And wait 12 hours to text someone back is a simple solution. But guess what?

That's an illusion. Where are there simple solutions to massive, complicated problems? Not often.
So I think people are looking for little band-aids for massive wounds, and it's not going to work.

People are intrigued by this advice because it gives them an escape from their own struggle. And that escape is always temporary.

I'm so glad you agree with me because I feel the right person for us, right? Like the right person for me. It doesn't matter when I text, when I don't text.
That's right. What I do.

They're going to want to make plans with me and be with me and and communicate with me. Yeah.
Right? Absolutely. Do you agree that that phrase, I'm too busy, is a massive red flag? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

I mean, there are two kinds of, you know, busy techs that you might get. One is genuine, like, oh, this is a really busy week at work.
Here's the key thing that needs to come after that.

Are you available next Thursday at this time? Yeah. If it's just, I'm so busy, open-ended, there's, there's nothing, that person is breadcrumbing you.

They are not actually following up and they're not actually going to be interested. Or if they are interested, they're not going to make you a priority in their life.

And of course, in a relationship, you should not be this grand number one priority to each other where you sacrifice the entirety of your single lives individually.

But you need to be to some degree a priority in the sense that they will give you the time, energy, and space and investment that you need to actually build something. I love that.

I think if somebody says, I'm too busy, I'm busy,

the rest of the phrase is for you. That's right.
And if you want to, you know, be a little savage, text them back, busy until when and see what they say. Right.
And even like,

if I felt, well, I would never even entertain it. Like I said, I'm in my

me era.

I don't want to entertain this video.

Yes, exactly. So I'm like, you know, I'm so chill and so happy.
Like, the right person for me is magically going to appear whenever. If not, I'm very happy the way things are.

But if somebody said to me, I'm so busy, I'd be like,

whatever.

I would never even try to respond. You know what that's called? That's called self-respect.
Yeah, right. Boundaries, right? Self-love.
Yeah. Which is one of the toughest lessons.

If someone tells you they're too busy for you, the worst thing you can do is chase them. or try to convince them that they're not busy enough for you.
Yeah. That's ridiculous.

That's what most people do. And a lot of people do that, right? How do you stop from doing that? Well, then guess what?

When someone texts them, oh, I'm too busy, you know, and they pursue this person, and maybe they ask you when. Maybe they convince that person to date them.
What happens a few months later?

Oh, they weren't, I wasn't a priority to them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And, you know, where did this comment out of nowhere? Well, guess what?

The first day you met them, they told you they were too busy. Yeah.
So a lot of these red flags are there all along, but they can sound very genuine and honest at first.

But listen to the red flags, right?

Listen to the red flags. Listen to the red flags.
Somebody out there listening, they're like, oh, but you know, I like him. And

how do you stop this behavior of trying to convince? And I think you did a post about that. Like, we shouldn't be trying to convince people to like us.

It's crazy. It's crazy.
It's so much work. But how do you tell, is there a way for people to stop this behavior?

Well, yeah, if you're trying to convince somebody to like you, what that might mean, the harsh harsh truth, if you're hanging on to that, is that you don't like yourself enough.

So you have to take a break from dating. You have to do the inner work, probably in therapy, to actually build self-love.

Because if you don't actually like and love and accept yourself, you're going to constantly chase that validation from other people, especially other people who are not going to give it to you.

Because the more they resist giving to you, the more value your mind thinks that it has. Oh my God, I love that.
You're brilliant. I think

just the fact, like if you have to tell someone, look at me, I'm so beautiful, or come on, I'm so great, or I'm this, or I'm that, or I'm good in bad.

Just the fact that you have to remind that person, that person's not for you. Right.
Right? Because the right person is for you, they're going to see all of these things with their own eyes. Exactly.

And you were saying before, you know, but I like them. Well, you know what I would say to that?

I like french fries, but I'm not going to to eat them all the time because I know they're not good for me. Yes.
You can like something, that doesn't mean it's healthy for you.

Yeah, you got to like have things under control. All that liking somebody means is they let up your dopamine receptors.
Yeah. So does crack cocaine.

That's not a good signal. No, it's not.
I love that. Plus, I think liking

has to be a two-way street, right? Yes. Liking and loving alone is beyond exhausting mm-hmm

it is and

I think that liking liking somebody is a feeling but loving somebody is a behavior it's a behavior and it's something that you build not always first experience it's such a big difference oh my god i love that now i want to ask about a post that you did on social media

because this is always concerning maybe i'm gonna get in trouble for this post because maybe i'm giving people wrong advice this is why i always say say I am not an expert by any means.

I just tell you guys what I've done, what worked for me, but here is a true expert. But this is the post you did, okay? You wrote,

just

be yourself is like telling a drowning person to swim.

That's very profound.

Thank you.

So I want you to explain to me and tell me if I'm wrong, because I constantly tell tell people, just be yourself. Just be yourself.
Just be yourself. Yeah.
You know, I say that like 10 million times.

I might have been a little harsh.

What does that mean? Can you help me? Yeah, I think that

there are a lot of complicated problems that people are experiencing and whether it's their personal life, friendships, dating life, work life, where they're not sure what to do.

You know, people, I'm not getting along with people. I'm not buying the right partner.
I'm unhappy with this, whatever it is. And you might hear, oh, just be yourself.

You know, I'm nervous about this first age. Just be yourself.
It is great advice in theory. It is great advice in theory.
I love it in theory. And a lot of people still need to hear it.

But a lot of the time, I say it is like telling somebody who's drowning to just swim because the obvious answer that's right there. is what they're struggling to do.

They don't know how to be themselves

because they've had either society, parents, early relationships, friends, teachers, so much in society, the media that has told them how not to be themselves. So what do you do?

Like, what would you say? What would I say? It's really hard.

It's really hard.

I mean, the biggest thing is you have to block out the noise.

of a lot of those influences which for people in your life is boundaries for a lot of media and cultural dialogue, it's silencing notifications, being better about having boundaries with your digital life and your phones.

And it's cutting toxic people out of your life. It's choosing which media to consume that actually makes you feel better about yourself.
This is a very systemic issue. There are a lot of factors.

It's knowing who to date. Go do therapy.
It's going to therapy. Go to therapy is the answer to most of these

questions I'm trying to give you. I know they're very complex and I'm trying to get like specific.
But this is what I feel. Yes.

Continuing discussion.

Like you go on a date and I know most people get so nervous.

For me, there's a big turn off. Like if I go on a date, I understand a little nervous, but if the dude is like, you know, sweaty as shell, I'm like...
I'm like so turned off. Like, come on, gay.

I know I'm beautiful.

I know I'm intelligent, but come on, you know, like behave like an adult. I'll tell you how I get the pressure off of me.
For me, when I go on a date, I'm like, you know what?

Okay, maybe I'm going to meet my match, but maybe I'm just going to meet a new person.

He could be a friend. I actually have clients in my PR and marketing agency that I met on a date.
And I was like, yeah, I swear to God.

Some of my oldest clients, we went on a date and we were in a match. I'm like, do you want to do business together?

So I kind of like transform. And so in my mind, it works for me.
I never get nervous. I'm just like, I'm meeting someone new.

But I know most people out there, they're like, I get nervous, I get nervous, I get nervous, I get nervous. Do you have any tricks, any suggestions? I wish we could all be like cats.
I know.

Because that's a great place to be, and that's definitely

where everyone wants to be. Is they're confident and comfortable enough in themselves to not be nervous on a date.
But the majority of people, they get nervous before a date.

And I think the main two reasons why people get nervous before a date and where they can change their mindset to be more like cat is is one.

Obviously, don't be like, because it's not working well for me. The first one is to be beautiful.

Be super peaky.

I would say the first one is that a lot of people, whether they realize it or not, they view dates.

like

applications like tryouts, auditions, and they think there's either success or failure.

And they think that you can either succeed or fail at a date depending on whether your date is interested in you or not. Yeah.

That is such a bad mindset to have because you need to change failure and success thinking to compatibility or not compatibility thinking. I love that.

The goal of a first date, the purpose of a date is to see whether you are compatible or not, not to see whether you can charm and convince this person to like you. Yes, but that's what most people do.

And we go back to the be yourself. That's right.
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little white lies.

And I actually had famous, I'm not going to name names, but it's on the episodes. I've actually had famous matchmakers, dating coaches on the show.
And they're like, yeah, it's totally fine.

It's marketing. Go for it.
Fib.

I don't think it's a good idea at all. Like, you know, some people fib about their age or, you know, their financial situation or their job or whatever.

I'm like, I don't want any white lies because if I find out about it like a month, three months down the road, I'm like,

i don't like it absolutely take on it i'm 100 with you thank you yeah no so here's where i agree with with both sides in a way that makes sense okay dating is marketing dating is marketing but just because it's smart ready just because it's marketing doesn't mean it has to be manipulative marketing we're used to manipulative marketing yeah

marketing just means

conveying your product so that people can make a decision whether to consume it or not. We need honest marketing and dating.
Yeah. A dating profile is an advertisement.
That doesn't mean it's evil.

It just means it has to be an honest, thoughtful advertisement. So lying is manipulative marketing.
Lying is never good. Even small little fibs, little white lies, right?

Like I had this lady, she was like, for women, oh, lie about your age

because you're going to get a better guy. And then down the road, they're not going to care.
I'm like, I don't want to lie about my age.

I want my guy to be proud of me for my age and the way I look now.

Who are you marketing? A younger version of yourself? That person doesn't exist. Yeah.
I would say that you are going to start a relationship if it works out on a lie.

Is that a good foundation to have? No. I don't know.
No.

I'm glad they're listening from you because I hope people out there like stop putting like pictures from 20 years ago right on the dating profiles.

I think it's the best version of of yourself right yeah and if especially if your photos are that old I mean it's saying that you are prouder of the person you used to be than who you are today and that's a that's a hard thing yeah and I think when we meet someone you want them to like you for you right the way you are right yeah right now another you did so many posts oh my god we could do like a 10 hour episode you guys gotta follow his Instagram.

No, it's very powerful. Very, like, every one of your posts is like very eye-catching, fantastic advice.
Wow, thank you. But this one I really, really, really love.

The price of chasing mixed signals. Because I hear girls do that all the time.
Does he like me? Does he not like me? Why did he come? Why did he not come? Guys do that too, right?

Is she into me? No, no, no, no, no.

I think just the fact that it's a mixed signal, you have your answer. Like, if I got a mix, that's my answer.
Absolutely. No, mixed signals are clear signals of disinterest.
Right? Yeah.

If you're sitting by the phone, like,

is he going to take me out this weekend? Like, today's Wednesday, right? Is he going to take me out on Friday?

Just the fact that you're wondering, that's your answer. Right.

Yeah. If you don't have clarity on somebody's intentions towards you, then what do you have clarity on? What are they really providing you with? Right.

So here are the prices that you say, and I love that.

Okay, where are my notes? Where are my notes? Oh my God, I lost my notes. Here, I love that.
The price of chasing me signals. Your peace.
That's right. Peace of mind for sure.
Self-respect,

your

leap, your standards, your sanity.

Right?

Can you elaborate like on the standards? What do you mean by that? Well,

you will pursue the people that you believe you're worthy of.

And so if you pursue people who give you mixed signals, which to phrase more honestly is people who don't even give you the decency to say whether they're interested or not and what their intentions and availability is, what you are saying to them and to yourself.

is that that is the level of communication and

intention that you believe you deserve. So you reinforce those standards for yourself by chasing Nick signals.
And everything goes back to what you said before. It's all about self-love, right?

So I think that's the foundation of everything. Oh, yeah.
Because, and believe me, it took me forever to get here.

My therapy was doing the podcast because when I listened to the first episodes of the dudes I dated, like I cringe. Yeah.
And listening again, I'm like, why did you put up with it?

Why did you put up with it? So it built my self-love. But I think that's the foundation.
What is the foundation?

And because you, you cannot, um, you cannot love somebody else like more than you love yourself you you can't i guess to phrase that better if you don't have self-love you can't build real love in a relationship oh my god you need that yes i love that before we run out of time see i told so many things to talk about i'm gonna have to invite you for part two

Tell me if you agree with me because same, I have experts tell me that no.

When you meet someone, let's say you go on a first date I think the first instinct you have about that person usually is the right one yes and a lot of people told me no sometimes you got to give that person a chance or maybe they were too nervous

for me every time that I did not follow my instincts I get burned I think that this is such an important question

where it's one of those things where I'm going to say again you're both right and you're both wrong okay

Here's how I make sense of it. Don't you want any media? I love you.
You are right. You're gonna be a recurring guest.

We need so much help from you. Oh my help for myself.

I would say that

your first instinct is right.

If

the information it's giving you pertains to safety, that's when your instinct is right. This person is safe or this person's not.

That can be physical and or emotional safety your instinct is not always right when that pertains to compatibility oh really is this a is this going to be somebody who i really can be compatible with who i might live with one day who i feel like we have shared values and shared interests and we can build a good relationship together.

That takes more time to figure out. But when it comes to safety, that's when instincts are really powerful.
Oh, wow.

Yeah, because I know, like, and I, again, I get messages from women from all over the world. They go on a first date, and I have girlfriends that do that too, right?

You go on a first date, and it happened to me last year. You look at the guy, like,

you know, it's not the person for me. But then they insist.
Right. And you go on another date and another date and another date.

And I have girlfriends that I have a girlfriend that has been dating this guy for like four months. And she keeps saying, like, yeah, I don't really like him, but I don't know.

Maybe it changes, maybe gets better, maybe, but like you're literally going against your gut. Yeah.

In those situations, like in one sense, you can be going against your gut for a bad reason, which is that you really don't like this person. You really know that they're not good for you, but.

you are trying to be optimistic or trying to deny that feeling for maybe because you don't want to be single or other reasons.

But another thing that could be going on, which is a lot more complicated, is that you might have toxic tendencies that are kind of lying to you, saying, oh, this person's boring.

They suck because of this. Or these toxic tendencies are telling you that somebody's not good for you.
Yeah. But guess what? They're actually really good for you.

It's just your toxic tendencies that are saying, they're too safe. They're boring.
You know, we're too compatible. Like, ew.
I mean, all of, you know, oh, this is too easy. I want to challenge.

All these ridiculous things that are. Yeah, no, that I agree.
But I also think wasting time with the wrong person keeps you from meeting the right person. Of course.
It's better to be alone and happy

than be like giving it a shot to the wrong person, right? Absolutely.

The hardest part is knowing. how long has been enough to know whether you've given it a shot enough or not.

Because of course, like two dates isn't enough to be like, oh, is this person going to be great long term?

Often you need a couple of dates, a couple months, but of course like seven years is probably enough time.

No, come on, a year. Like a year is already a long time.

Especially nowadays, like come on, right? You wrote an incredible book, The Confidence Equation. Thank you.
Three keys to unleashing self-confidence as an intro. That's right, yeah.

Can you give us like one little.

Yeah, this is my book that's out now for pre-order, The Confidence Equation, which is about how to build self-confidence. Which most people need.
That's right. Most of us need.

So go get the book. It's on Amazon.
And your Insta, guys, follow him because, like I said, you are doing such a fantastic job. And your posts are so nice, organized, fantastic advice that we all need.

On Instagram, it's doctor

Period Dan PeriodPHD. And the link is here on the audio episode if you guys are listening to the audio episode.
and his website is also on the YouTube, if you guys are watching. Thank you so much, Dr.

Hick.

So much more to talk about.

Absolutely. I'm sure I'm going to invite you back because I know I'm going to get like so many questions,

but it was very helpful. I'm very grateful.
I really appreciate you. Thank you for having me.
And never give up on love, right? Never give up on love. Never give up on love.
Guys, be safe out there.

I'll see you very soon. Yeah.