Side Stories: Halloween Ham

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side stories that's when the cannibalism started. Side stories.
Yes. Oh, yeah.
Ah, yeah, yes. I'd like to start today's episode by saying I love Puerto Rico.
Yeah, I think it's wonderful. I think it's nice.
I went to P.A. case.
And all I hope. I saw the horses.
And I pray that you invite us to Puerto Rico to do an island. We could just go.
Let's just go. I mean, it's wonderful.
Now that I'm even thinking about it, I don't even. If they want a show, sure.
I don't want to do a show. No, you're right.
I'm immediately over the idea of doing a show. I just want to do a vacation.
I just want to go to Puerto Rico. The pork is so good.
It is so good. Of course it's good.
They have so many extra piggies. And then the horses are vieques.
They're great. But they're not like, you know, wild.
They're more homeless. What are you going to do? Horses sometimes choose it.
Sometimes horses choose it. Yeah.
Okay? Sometimes there's nothing you can do for a horse that's homeless because they have decided on this. Yeah.
Wild horses don't eat trash. I don't know.
You never know. They're not offered any.
Yes. So who knows what they need? Vienkais is the most beautiful place I've been in, I think, ever.
This is our Halloween episode. So that's the first thing I wanted to talk about was Puerto Rico and horses.
Second thing I want to talk about is the power of the dead. Oh, my God.
What happened? Are there more dead people that we need to talk about? Every day. You know, we were looking through the stories today, and it was a brutal week.
It was a very brutal Halloween-ish week. Nothing spooky, just sheer brutality.
And all I got to say is thanks, America. Yeah, yeah.
But before we get into it today... Well, first, first...
What? Welcome to Side Stories. Oh, welcome to Side Stories.
My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm your host.
I'm sitting here with the other person that I would say is co-host. Yes.
My breasts are yearning for you. That's Ed Larson.
My name is Ed Larson. Hi! Hello!

My Halloween music.

Yeah.

Actually, my favorite Halloween song is

That's your favorite Halloween song?

I mean, all Michael Jackson music

is Halloween music now.

Of course!

Well, not just that. I mean, it's you know, it's terrifying because...
You never know. Can you imagine what song he played before each time he went in there? Oh, yeah.
Dangerous, probably. Probably.
No, Eddie... Another part of me, which is what the boy said to him, touch another part of me, not this one.
Another scary, scary moment.

Dirty Diana!

On side stories.

Just covered in shit.

Now, Eddie, you wanted to plug something at the very top.

We got a show on Saturday in Los Angeles at the Wiltern.

Last podcast on the left is going to be at the Wiltern this Saturday doing our fucking big-ass show.

And we definitely didn't forget that there was a massive show in Los Angeles two days after Halloween. It was hilarious.
At our weekly meeting, I was like, so Saturday's the show. Both you and Marcus were like, no, it's next week.
And then the entire staff looked at you like y'all were fucking crazy. Because we are.
Yeah. And we're like, oh, that's right.
That's right. It's because last night I was exhausted because you spent several hours helping me lift Natalie in rigging in our backyard.

That was wild.

I never bullied a woman before.

Yes.

Well, congrats.

You did very well.

You did very good.

I was worried I wasn't going to be strong enough.

You did so good.

You did so good.

You could have done it on your own. Next time I'm going to make you do it on your own I got lats dude I got big old my back's huge yes but we're having a big old Halloween party and a lot of it's going to involve Natalie in the air nice are you going to have beer no shit I might not make it absolutely not of course we're going to.
But yes, we do have a live show at the Wiltern this Saturday. We are very, very excited.
This show's tied as a drum. And we're also having it all over the world we've been doing this fucking show.
We're having a blast. And then also, Edward and I are performing in Humboldt.
And it's not just because we're getting weed for free. Yes.
I mean, it's mostly for that.

But we are doing a show on three weeks after the show at November 23rd, the Saturday before Thanksgiving at the Mateel Community Center.

Tickets are available at lastpodcastonaleft.com.

We're doing it with our good buddy, Billy Wayne Davis.

Can't wait.

We're going to have such a blast.

We're going to do crowd work.

We're going to be improv-ing.

We're going to fuck around. We're going to smoke a lot of weed.
It's going to be a great weekend for us and hopefully for you as an audience. And also today, later today, we're announcing more shows.
Yes, we do. We've got a bunch of new shows coming out, and you will see where they're at when you go to LastPodcastOnTheLeft.com.
There's a bunch of different cities. I know one is Atlanta in January, which I'm excited for.
Yes, Atlanta in January.

And also, tell us where we should do side stories in Atlanta.

Yeah.

Because that's what we want to do.

Or close by, because we've got Nashville, Dallas, Toronto, Detroit.

Yeah, we're going around.

We're going to hit it up.

Just so you know, when people ask about Portland, we are going to get to Portland.

I love Portland.

We are.

Well, so today.

One more, I love heroin.

Hey, don't even.

I mean, you can tell just by looking at them how much he loves heroin.

I want to stop you, because I know you were going to fly.

We'll be right back. We are.
Well, so today. What more? I love heroin.
Hey, don't even. I mean, just you can tell just by looking at him how much he loves heroin.
I want to stop you because I know you were going to fly. We have too many stories, but how's your 31 for 31 going? I'm pretty much through.
I'm through most of it. I'm almost done myself.
Yeah. I'm almost done myself.
The only things I'm kind of saving are for Halloween night. And there are certain things that I like to specifically play on Halloween night, like the great pumpkin Charlie Brown will actually be fun to put in the background.
I will probably put Halloween 6 and Nightmare 3 in the background of the party. I have those on DVD if you need it.
Oh, I have them as well, my friend. Yes! I just watched Nightmare 3 this week, and it's fucking unbelievable.
Yeah, Elm Street 3 is perfect. It might be the best one.
I think so. I had a really good time with it because it is because 4 is just fun.
4 is where it kind of turns into a comedy. Yeah, which I like though.
We just had a conversation where we talked about how as much, like we like Freddy because he's funny but objectively the funnier films are not as good as the earlier scarier films. Absolutely not.
But it's why I love him. It's why I love Freddy.
And then I didn't realize Nightmare 3 was actually written screenplay-wise by Frank Derabont? Derabont. Derabont, who did Shawshank Redemption.
And then Freddy Krueger, he walked through a mile of shit. He came out king on the other side.
And then I also watched House of Wax, which was a lot of fun. Yeah, Vincent Price is incredible.
Vincent Price is one of my favorite actors to be stoned and watch. Oh, yeah.
Because his face is so funny. Like, when you're high and you're watching him, because he's so good at making his lips and his eyes move.
Do you know he could eat a man's ass? Oh, buddy. Man, there ain't nothing left.
If he's eating ass, Vincent Price ain't leaving seconds. That's right, man.
He's getting all in one go. And I dipped my toe this week.
But he's a famous romantic, Vincent Price, as well. Oh, is he? Loved his wife.
He was a very good man. Really? Yeah, horny guy.
I really thought he was gay.

Oh, God.

He's too gay to be straight.

I gotcha.

I know that.

You know what I mean? He's too gay to be gay.

I know that brand.

Yeah.

I know what you're talking about.

Living it.

Juwan, the grudge.

G-U.

J-U.

That's how you say it?

Yep.

No, it's Juwan.

It is Juwan.

But I'm just saying.

I'm clarifying for the audience.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I was cheering for them like they were Jews.

How? Do you like the grudge? It was fine.

It was good. I was expecting it to be, I don't know, scarier

and bloodier. No, man.
That's how it is.

You know what? I actually re-watched

with clear eyes, and it's been a long time,

the OG, the Wicker Man,

and you should re-watch it now.

I can't wait. Dude, Christopher Lee is perfect in that movie.
I forgot. I feel like I thought it was boring earlier on.
And then when I rewatched it, I was like, this movie's great. Yeah.
I don't know why. I guess it was just like folk horror.
I think I'm kind of in and out on. And I realized like folk horror requires you to pay attention.
Yeah. So if you're kind of half paying attention, you're not going to like it.
If you're kind of looking at your phone, you're not going to be as brought into the world. I've been putting my phone in the other room during my horror viewing.
That's what I've been doing too now with movies. I've been leaving my phone outside the room.
Because otherwise I'll just watch my phone the whole time like a fucking idiot. Yeah, because we're children.
I can't help myself. Yeah, I don't know why.
If it's like on the couch and I kind of see the back of my phone, I'm like, oh, I wonder where it's on the front. People say that the Generation Z, the Gen Z, are the worst with the phones.
We're the worst with the phones. Millennials are by far the worst with the phones.
That's because they've grown their whole life with it, so they're kind of sick with it. We didn't have it.
We're still obsessed with the shit. It's so kind of exciting that it exists.
But it's not. It's bad for us.
Oh, no, it's killing us. And I can't wait for the solo player that will come and destroy all of it.
But that's also all of our careers. No, because we will go on the road.
Oh! We bring in the podcast street by street. Horse carriage.
We're gonna start working with the Amish. We're going on the street.
That is how we, and honestly, Eddie, I think that's where people were, I think podcasting's too fast for us. I think that maybe the internet's too immediate, too strong for us, that maybe we do need a troubadour-like existence.
Us on the vaudeville circuit would have been us at our best. News of the world, Tom Hanks.
From a week ago. Traveling, yeah, traveling the West.
It's a terrible movie, though. It is a bad movie, but I like the idea.
I like, that's what for. I want a postman-like existence, but it's for cum.
A Kevin Costner postman? Yes. Well, that's a future movie, so you're actually correct.
Exactly. But for cum-based humor.
Oh, it'll exist. Absolutely.
You won't be able to hear a single comment about shooting ropes. It takes two weeks to hear talk about being glazed like one of those Hot Pockets.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Hot Pocket Cup glazer? Yeah, for a big old sloppy Virginia ham, you can't get shoots a fucking shot all over it properly and think about it unless I come, the postman's here.
Yeah, I've been oiling up my Halloween ham, by the way. Yeah, which is, I'm very excited for my Halloween ham.
It's really rude to just call Julie that because she's a beautiful woman. She is a beautiful woman, and that's why she's my Halloween ham.
Hey, we all got different stories inside of our homes. Yes.
Now, let's do some stories. I do have an update.
Oh, sure. Just a quick update on wood chippers.
Oh, awesome. Yeah, because, you know, we know a little bit, but not too much.
We had a certified arborist. Because we brought this up.
Last week, a man, he lost his legs his first day on the job with a wood chipper. Yeah.
And again, we just talked about how happy he looked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was going like, yay! And we were kind of curious of on how fast a wood chipper works.

There's no emergency press to grab.

Yeah, but this guy wrote it,

and he said, your chipper talk this week,

which is a funny way to put it.

It is.

This week on Side Stories inspired me to write in.

I work with wood chippers often,

and as part of my job as a horticulturist

simply put a plant person

in a municipal park system.

Do you think if you suck a lot of dicks in that job, you put the whore in horticulturalists? Hey, come on. Hey, probably.
Although I've been working with these machines for about eight years now, I help train new seasonal staff and always warn them about the extreme dangers of using a chipper. I feel like that's the first thing you should say.
Yeah. Wood chipper, hey, kind of dangerous.
Yeah, never wear loose clothing. So tight yoga pants are probably best.
Yeah, one of those morph suits. Yeah, don't have gloves, your hair down, obvious reasons.
But one time, one of my coworkers, loose-fitting gloves got snagged on a branch while feeding it into the chipper, which started to pull her arm into the feed. Thankfully, she was able to slip her hand out of the glove before ending up face first in the feed wheel.
Another time my code worker was using a rake to throw in the last bits of sticks and such into the chipper. Before he knew it, the wheel ate the rake right up, metal pieces and all.
Several rakes since then have lost their lives to the almighty chipper. So, in essence, yes, the chipper will pretty much devour anything that you will fit into the chamber.
That is absolutely, that's frightening. But you know what's also interesting is that maybe they could use, like what we saw in Island, when we went to go see the lava show.
It's called the lava show. God, the lava show was cool.
And they just put lava in a room. I've never been in a room with lava.
Yeah. And we were talking like, I feel like it seems like a stupid science experiment.
It is. Had a great time.
Yes. And we went the 25 year old girl that was dangling over the railing to play with the lava also gave us a pause.
She was riding that rail. She really was like, I mean it.
I think she was getting horny for the lava. If one labia slipped, she would have went right face first into the lava.
Yeah. And so we were watching the lava.
It was hot in that room. But we brought up, because we were the only people asking questions.
We were at mushrooms, too. Yes.
But we were the only people asking questions, saying, hey, like, why would no one use lava as a method of execution in Viking times? We asked a bunch of stuff. Yeah.
Got nothing. Nothing returned.
But I feel like that's a good alt for wood chippers. You know, I talked to another guy the day after you left because I stayed an extra day.
Yeah. Stefan, our driver.
Oh, I remember. Yeah.
Good guy. We talked a lot about how Iceland's weed used to be really, and now they got smoked out by the Albanians.
Yeah, well, I didn't get any of it. But anyway, so Stefan had a buddy who lost his foot to lava.
Yes, he lost his whole heel. Yeah, his heel, yeah, and then it ended up taking it, and it just evaporated into nothingness.
No, lava's hot. Don't let anybody tell you any different.
Yeah. Lava's super hot.
But I feel like that would be a good thing to toss wood into. Oh, for sure.
Because remember, she threw the disc of ice on it. We're all like 10 feet from lava.
Yeah, no, it was wild. There was no regulations.
It was all cracking and shit. Oh, yeah, dude.
No, it was like lava. Yeah, they were like, oh, we're trying to bring it to Hawaii.
It's like, there's too many rules in America for this show to exist. They had a purposely built $350,000 in Michigan, by the way.

It was built in Michigan.

It's an American-made lava machine in the back of this place that squirts lava out of

a little hole, and then they wait for all the lava to cool.

They smash it up, put it back in the machine, and it squirts the lava out. They then told us that they're making one that's three times bigger to go to Hawaii, which is going to basically, this is a Bond villain story beginning.
Oh, my God. They're just making their own lava.
And if you're making their own lava, what else can they do? And if they have control over the lava, because guess what we saw? Lava is difficult to control, and it's hard to stop. What are the police going to do against walls of lava? Yeah, we're like, how long is this lava going to be here before anyone can move it? She's like, six hours.
That's why they have to redo it. They have to go into the other theater.
I didn't realize they had to build a second theater because it takes so long for the lava to cool. Absolutely.
Why do you think Dick Van Dyke had to stop doing matinees? Because they had to put him out. It's hard to put his bones back together in order to do the next show.
It's a very long process. But yeah, we saw that.
Go check that out if you're ever in Eastland. Go to the lava show because that was very, very interesting.
Surprisingly awesome. Because we were talking about like, oh, this is probably stupid.
And then you, me, and our

road manager, Brian, we became

like little boys. When the lava

came out, we're like, it's lava!

Oh my god. Science class day when they

just showed us the volcano movies,

I was like, rock and roll. Yeah, we're like,

oh, look at that, it's lava!

Hell yeah. But then, I will say,

and this is my note to the lava show, if they're

listening, and our guide, the tour guide was lovely. The host was for, and this is my note to the Lava Show, if they're listening,

and our guide, the tour guide was lovely.

The host was lovely,

and she was very informative,

but you might need somebody with a little bit more upper arm strength

to deal with the pole on the Lava.

Yes.

Because there was a point

where she was struggling with the Lava.

She knew her rocks, though.

Oh, yeah, you can know rocks.

I know rocks.

You don't know rocks like she knows rocks.

Well, of course that.

I'm not a nerd.

I'm a rock dweeb. I'm sorry, Ellie.
I have geologist friends that are already getting mad at me. But I'm just saying, she waited for the lot of slava to slightly solidify, and then she flips it like a pancake using just the pole to push it up.
And she's like, look, it's hot. We were like, yeah, I know.
And we had to take our clothes off. It was so hot in the room.
It was so hot. We were in t-shirts.
She's sweating over the thing going, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. It was kind of terrifying.
Trying to move this pole in and out of the lava. And me and Eddie are both like, oh, God.
Also, she's like, it's my second show. She's done a second show.
And I was like, I feel like lava, it's not a thing that we fuck around with. It's like lava ain't.
There's open mic night at the Lava show. You know, because that's straight up Lava.
And it's just, but they were like, well, we only make so much. So that's what keeps everyone safe.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was like, I fuck. Well, who knows? I felt like we were at Jurassic Park.
I was very impressed. We were both joking about how at some point we're like, it just feels like we're playing with an elemental level of earth and reality that might bite us in the ass.
But until then, life finds a way. Go grab your lava making machines.
Only $350,000. And we got free rocks.
Yeah, we did. They gave us free rocks.
Free shiny lava rocks. Free shiny lava rocks.
Yeah. We're fucking bought and sold i'm like i literally turned into a little boy we all did wow no way this show is sponsored by better help you know people say that therapy can feel like a big investment, but do you know that your brain generates all of your tangible reality? And that when you pay money to a therapist to do that work, they are working on the very fabric of reality.
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Now, this is speaking of lava. I wanted to do this first story because at first, this story sounded very straightforward.
But now we're seeing that it's actually a little bit more complicated. We don't really know what's going on.
This happened in our neighbors up north in ye olde, Canada, and they got some of our Walmart disease, right? So obviously we're spreading Walmart's everywhere. This is a Walmart super center.
You know, it's a fake one because they spell it wrong. Oh, really?

No, no, no.

I'm joking because it's Canadian and it's British or whatever it is.

Right?

So they super centrae.

Right?

So they call them Walmart super centraes.

Now, this person here, this is Halifax, walked into a 19-year-old girl.

You just bring it to a Kinko's and they do it for you.

What?

That's Halifax.

Are you mad that I interrupted you?

This poor girl. I'm doing my best.

I'm just doing my best to try

to figure out how to concisely deliver

the log lines of articles.

You know what I mean?

The part I am least good at

as host.

So let me ramp it back up.

Halifax.

Eddie?

I mean, you dial it, you know, you press nine, then one.

The Maritime Six Society on Thursday, they identified the victim at this local Walmart.

Her name is Gersamran Kaur.

She is from India.

She was a young, according to them, which is nice to say, they said she was a young, beautiful girl who came to Canada with big dreams. Now, this is from her fundraising page.
So she got locked into what they have, these giant walk-in ovens. I believe it's for the various bread products they have.
Cookies, probably. All that kind of thing that they serve at the bakery and Walmart.
And she got locked into it, and she wasn't found until the next day by her mother, who also worked at the same Walmart. And she was literally turned into jerky.
She was completely cooked. Now, this is, it's a horrific story.
They came into, having the mother find it was really rough on her. She spent hours looking for her daughter, couldn't figure out where she was, finally discovered her inside of the oven.
Now, first blush, horrible accident, what happens? Last week, I find it interesting because we didn't get to cover the direct stories from last week because we were away. We were in Iceland.
But if you look at the old stories and you see how last week they said Walmart had a mysterious accidental death in a Canadian super center, but they didn't want to talk about it at all.

So this stuff is now slowly. The only reason why it's getting leaked out at all is because the mother decided to, they put together a GoFundMe and they were allowed, she was, I guess, allowed to state the name of the person that got hurt, right?

That got killed under Walmart's jurisdiction. But apparently that wasn't what Walmart wanted to happen at all.
They've been trying to keep this under wraps because one thing they're trying to figure out is whether or not she was on shift. Because if she was on shift, the person that is largely responsible is the shift manager.
And the reason why we now know that it's this is getting weird is because since the story came out, everyone, of course, and Walmart, too, everyone. What a horrible accident.
Yeah. She must have went in either went in to go get something inside the oven quickly or was retrieving something.
And they said, oh, maybe what happened was that the door bounced against the wall. She opened it too hard door bounced against the wall and the oven door closed accidentally behind her.
Or she did something to accidentally close the door behind her. And they cut to tick tock.
Right. Then once they're ready to tick tock, I obviously don't, I'm not a huge fan of, but when they get it right, they get it right.
There's a lot of detectives on there. Yes, and you had several people that were employees of Walmart show on TikTok how explicitly it's almost impossible to have that door closed behind you accidentally.
Well, I know that they do that with freezers in restaurants and stuff. Yes, so if you could see the way there is a mechanism, I believe that, what account is this? The Brandon Gones show on TikTok? God knows, but this is just where we've seen the clip.
And it shows a Walmart employee showing that there is like a stop gap. The door rolls.
There's a very heavy door to the walk-in oven. Yeah.
And the door rolls to a close and then bounces against a barrier. And then it needs to be fully clicked in.
And on the inside— There's the release. There's a release bulb.
There's a release bulb. Which is what's in freezers as well.
Yes. It's exactly the same.
So now we're saying this is extremely mysterious. This has now went from total accident.
So Walmart is trying to keep this under wraps. There's no cameras? This is now we're trying to figure this out.
They are going through all of the camera footage. They're going through everything because they don't know who it is.
Obviously, also, you know who's suspect number one is the mother. Why? Because she found her.
And she was also working at the Walmart. But the thing is, like, she found her.
Was she distraught? She was deeply distraught. But there are many people that have faked being distraught after doing a crime.
I mean, it's the truth. There's many people.
If you're going to kill your daughter. People make up shit all the time.
We just talked about, you know, like Casey Anthony. We talked about the case Sarah Boone who finally got that guilty verdict that she was fucking begging for.
The suitcase murder where she zipped up her boyfriend in the suitcase and he died. Where, like, she changed her story 90 different ways before they finally, but they had her dead to rights on video showing that she mercilessly killed her boyfriend, whatever the fuck it was that was going on.
But he was not at present danger at the time of the murder. Now, you see here, they're all saying, like, why was she even in the oven in the first place? They're all, no one knows why.
What it seems is the big issue is that there's usually a lot of according. This is according to the Labor Department.
There's obviously a lot we don't know. There's usually a lot of safety protocols in place for equipment like this, but the safety protocols only work if they're checked on later and verified that they're still operating.
What they're trying to figure out is whether or not this is just, is this the most extreme case of a manager checked out, walked away, said ah, fuck it, you guys can handle it, you guys have done this a million times, and then a horrible accident occurs, like a million to one shot accident occurs that locks the thing behind you. But she you.
But she could press the button to get out. Unless something fell against the door.
Or, you know, she was unconscious when she went in there. But then is that murder? How are we getting unconscious inside of your workplace? What if the gas killed her? Don't know.
They say, I don't know if it works like that. I don't know.
If it's cooking... I don't know if it's a gas oven.
If it's baking cookies, we could assume it's like 350, 375. Yeah, but it could be electric.
Yeah, I know, but how long do you think it takes to die at 350 degrees? Several hours. Well, an hour at least.
Yeah, I imagine it would run out of oxygen pretty fast. Yeah, it's not fun.
Yeah. Yeah, it's not a cool way to die.
It's not like getting blown to death. Yeah.
No, for sure. It's not the same.
It's not the same. It's definitely not the same.
But it seems, I don't know, I would think it'd be like, I don't know, I think less than an hour. It ain't good.
Either way, you're in there for a little bit. Oh, yeah.
It's not just like, you're not toasted immediately. No.
No, no, no, no, no. This no this is in my quiz nose now how long was she in there overnight they saying they she they think that she was there for many many hours this is gonna is kind of a i guess an inappropriate question but was she like cooked was she like yeah was she like done oh yeah you know like past the recommended serving temperature that's crazy yeah yeah she's way over medium rare Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Past the recommended serving temperature.
That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's way over medium rare. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was not a...

Again, yeah, Gordon Ramsay wasn't

doing this. Somebody else was

doing this. This is like airport food

was what she got turned into.

Yeah. When that's fucked.

No one deserves that. Treat me.

Me.

Alright? I'm saying this right now. But you can support the family of Gersamran.
She lost her life at Walmart. Right now it's up to $194,000.
Canadian dollars. Canadian dollars.
Yeah, exactly. They pour maple syrup in a pocketbook and they hand it to you.
That's racism and I'm sorry. We're trying to end racism on this show.
And I won't do that to you. But yes, this is the, yes, so go support if you want.
I'm certain we'll find out. It will be a horrible tragedy if you gave a bunch of money and it turns out the mom's responsible, but we'll find out.
Well, either way, I mean, you know, her father and brother are in India and they got to get them over here. And I don't know.
Just give them money. It's one of those things where it's like, Jesus.
My thing is, if I'm in India and I found out that my sweet daughter went to Canada to have a better life and she got cooked in an oven, I'd be like, let's stay in India. Let's not go to Canada.
That's what I would say. I'd be like, sounds like things are not much better over there.
Well, you got to go and kick some ass and then come back. The worst about kicking Canadian ass is they just go like, oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, thank you.

Oh, you're right.

Well, they love to fight.

Oh, they fight.

They fight.

They love throwing it.

They have it a go.

They like losing fights.

Yeah.

It's all, yeah,

hockey is all fights.

That's what they do.

It's simulated.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Before it gets full murder.

Before you get full on

MMA level.

Yeah.

They just got to fight

over each other's clothes

in almost like a,

in a sexy way.

God.

Don't let me die at Walmart.

No, I won't.

I'll see your body out to make sure you die in the parking lot. Yeah, at least the parking lot.
Yeah, I'll make sure you don't become another swept under the rug corporate mishap. Man, you know they're terrified after Tracy Morgan took all that money from them.
Well, Tracy Morgan also had great lawyers and they they completely fucked up. These people, they can just delete, exactly enough.
I want Tracy Morgan to get involved. Oh, another one would make me more.
If he just was constantly Walmart's villain, every day he showed up and he's Walmart's joker, nothing would make me happier. He's just being like, him to show up looking for money again.
I'm going to get money for these guys. Yeah, he deserved it.
God, he deserved it. This is not the only mystery this week.
There's a bunch of fucking mysteries this week. This is jam-packed week.
Jam-packed week. So this next story is another fucking mystery.
So this happened in, uh, this is, uh, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. What state? Montana.
Ah, everyone's favorite. Two weeks.
Two weeks after a camper in Montana. They found him,, yes.
They found him dead. A guy named Dustin, I think it's Kuresem.
He was 35 years old. He was found in his tent dead earlier this month.
And he looked like he was killed by a bear. That's what his friends said when they found him.
He was completely torn to pieces. They freaked out.
They did some investigation. They said there's no evidence of bear activity, but we do see some with an axe activity.
So it looks like this motherfucker got caught up by a goddamn axe. Yeah.
And like someone chopped the shit out of him. And it's so much that it looked like a bear attacked him.
They hit him in the fucking head with the axe. Well, bears just going to be like, don't put this shit on me.
Amen. I eat the guts.
I eat the butt. R.I.P.
399. We lost one of the most famous bears in the world this week.
They got hit by a car. 399.
Did he change his name? What's his name? Like Ocho Cinco? You know, it's cute, but I take this to heart. This beautiful bear.
She's delivered. She's sired so many.
300. Big pussy? I mean, yeah.
So she's like the Kate Gosselin of bears? She, every, and she likes to hang out by people as a protection, and because of that, she got hit by a car and she died. That's really very sad.
I literally watched the documentary about her on the plane back from Iceland, and then I landed, and it's like, she's dead. She got hit by a car.
Jesus Christ. Never fall in love with a bear.
Never fall in love with a bear. You never know what's going on.
Yeah, so this is, you know, this anti-bear bullshit will not stand. Technically, the bear was...
There's no bear! Someone tried to blackmail a bear. Yeah, I know.
That's what this is about. So many bears almost got fucking shot in the head.
And I'm telling you this right now, bears. If someone's trying to blackmail you, you just spread that.

Take control of the narrative.

If you're having an affair with a goat and you're afraid your bear wife's going to find out and the goat's saying, hey, guess what?

If you don't tell everybody, I'm going to fucking steal your berries or whatever.

You know?

Tell your wife.

Tell your wife.

Honestly, I mean this, bear.

Tell your wife because you'll get over it. You'll heal.
Well, the male bears are solitary. Good for them.
Now, this guy... Oh, God, this is so brutal.
They are really getting into it now because they're now seeing that things were missing from the crime scene. They have no idea who did this.
None. No one has been arrested.
And they're pretty certain that whatever it was that was done to him was done with what he already had. So they said they're looking for a blue and silver Estwing camp axe with a 26-inch handle, as well as a Remington shotgun and a Ruger.
They were all taken. His car and also his cooler was taken.
Yeah. It took his beers, his guns, and his axe.
If you take that from a Montanan, you might as well kill him. Oh, my God.
And that's all he's got. That's what he has.
They love their Yeti coolers out there. Dude, they fucking love their fucking, they love coolers so much, they named it after their favorite cryptid to fuck in the woods.
Right? Now, this is... But we have no idea.
There was no cameras.

He was out in the middle of this wildlife reserve. I believe it was

in the... I forget which reserve

it was in. He was at the

Moose Creek Road, apparently. That was like...

It was a makeshift campsite. He was in the middle

of the forest, and no one

has any idea what was happening to him. We don't know

what happened to him. There's no evidence, and maybe

we'll find that out. Who knows? Multiple

chop wounds. They're still looking for

the person who did this. It might have just been a, yes, this is more of a, the other, I feel like the Walmart oven story is a more of a complicated mystery because we don't quite know what's going on.
Well, his GoFundMe $24,000. Yeah, nice.
See. It's actually.
Double standard. It's for men.
Let's plug his GoFundMe. Where's his money going to? The local weed store? Is it going to the fucking his buddy's D&D group? Probably going to need a new axe.
Oh, his kids. Yeah.
That's going for his kids, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So yeah, he's a brother and he's a skilled tradesman and he's a doting father. That's actually quite sad.
So yeah, give to his stuff.

Give to his stuff. It's here.
Dustin Kjersom. K-J-E-R-S-E-M.

You can give it there. About

$25,000 a ram. About $25,000

raised. Paltry sum.

In comparison to the

cute young lady. He kind of looks like

Palin. He does look like our old

buddy Palin. Wow, he does kind of.

Used to live with us. Eddie and I used to live

together in a two-floor

apartment that we turned into a bit of a slum. Yeah, we destroyed it.
Yeah. And we would have been sued if everyone else didn't sue the people who own the place.
Sometimes you just gotta be faster than the other guy. You know what I mean? You don't gotta be faster than the tiger.
You just gotta be faster than the guy next to you. That's a legal game.
So we'll find out. I feel like we're looking at a drifter.
This might be a drifter level killer because of the thievery. If he was just chopped up, I think this would be slightly more like spooky, where it's way more that because everything was stolen, as I think that it might have just been a bad forest person.
We all think, I think because I'm a city person that the forest is just filled with animals. But actually sometimes I think that the forest is filled with worse people than in the cities.
Yeah. You're lucky if it's the animals you run into.
I think that out there, if you're a person that's like out, out there, you're much more like unpredictable than a person within the city.

This definitely proves that viral thing

that the ladies are talking about,

how they'd rather run into a bear

than a guy.

Than a man, yes.

Because this is obviously a man

who framed a bear.

It's like the ultimate proof that that's true.

Unless, again, it's a goat or a pig.

They would eat fingers in order to hold the axe. They could use their mouths.
Tape into their hooves. Yeah.
I still feel like the man is better than the bear. But I do know what they're saying.
Yes. Allegorically.
Yeah. Now, let's go.
We have already, we got a couple. This is another good story that was really fucked up.
Now, I'm happy I haven't had kids every day. Like, there's never not been a day that I've woken up jazzed that I don't have children.
I'm happy that you don't have children as well. Because then I'd have to be with them all the time.
If I had them, I would be a good father. Oh, for sure.

I'd be a doting and controlling father.

Yeah.

And I'd raise them in a comedy like boot camp.

I would raise them physically to do physical.

They would do fighting training, gymnastics and comedic and theatrical arts each day.

My nanny would be a great father.

Yes.

Oh God.

My nanny would be the best father of my father.

My children would ever know.

They would. Oh God.
My nanny would be the best father of my father. My children would ever know.
They would be, oh, God, my nanny would be such an

incredible force in their lives.

I could see you rounding up some

children and having them later in your life,

you know, adopt a bunch of kids. Oh, yeah.
Natalie

and I were talking about, I gave her this idea

of, like, what if we adopt a

17-year-old from

University of Michigan?

She's a marine biologist major.

She needs to be raised up into a thing.

You know what I mean?

And she said,

no,

she said no.

But yeah,

I think I'm infertile,

but I'm thankful.

I know my semen.

So dumb,

it comes out my butt.

That's white shit.

You're dying.

No,

this,

here we go.

Now here, this is a story that is effed. So, a woman...
I'm going to loosely say that. A woman, Tara Sykes, 36.
Pensacola, Florida. Oh, of course.
She was convicted by using... What is Roblox? Roblox is like a computer.
It's a game, right? It's a child's, like, I think it's almost like Math Blaster

Yes, it's an only game platform

So it's like a little thing, right?

They do, it's a game for the kids

It's like Minecraft, but I guess

You can talk to

There's a chat

Yes, there's a chat function

And so this lady decided, Tara Sykes

To talk to this 10-year-old girl

And try to convince her

Through Roblox

To kill a 2-month-old boy. And her parents.
And the parents. Now, according to, we find out that they might have had some previous relationship, Sykes and this 10-year-old.
Yeah. The girl, the 10-year-old girl said she was extremely frightened talking to this person online.
And this woman, she ended up, she went as far as to drop her two-month-old brother on the floor on his head yeah to give him a and he had a a literal like a head injury cracked the skull cracked the skull open and the basically little girl's not culpable she was so afraid she's 10 she's 10 she had no idea what was going on but this woman messaged her through roadblocks that was like talking her through it, trying to say you gotta kill the baby. You have to kill the baby.
Drown the infant. This is a sentence Tanya sent to this 10-year-old girl.
Drown the infant in the bathtub. Burn the infant with scalding water.
Drop the infant on the floor to kill the infant. And it's like, I don't know why.
Lots of options there.

She also said that she should slit her parents' throats while they slept.

And burn their bodies.

Because they were foster parents.

Yeah, they said cover their blankets in aerosol and then light it on fire.

She actually went as far as to cover the blankets in aerosol.

She went, she spiked the baby like she was Deion Sanders.

She went upstairs.

She sprayed the whole thing down with aerosol.

I'm not going to be a little bit old. went as far as to cover the blankets in aerosol.
She went, she spiked the baby like she was Deion Sanders. She went upstairs.
She sprayed the whole thing down with aerosol. The parents woke up, and that's when they realized what in the living fuck is going on here.
But we don't know yet what going on, what their actual relationship was, because they're saying that, like, that's what we kind of, this is one of those where this is not an ungroomed crime. There's no way this little girl just immediately jumped into doing this.
This is something that this Tara Sykes woman has been working on this kid doing. Because this woman was also previously arrested.
And her husband. Yes, James Sykes, her husband.
They allowed a 20-year-old man to live in their home after he impregnated their teen daughter. So it's like a whole long, very complicated story where they had an underage daughter that got sexually battered by a 20-year-old named Kyle Myers.
They never filed any charges against him. They were living in there and it's just all pretty gross.
Yeah, no, this is a demon. This is a demon woman.
Yes. She didn't get locked up for a while.

Oh, yeah, because the baby that was just left her house,

they arrested her for child neglect on the other baby.

So this woman's a problem.

And Pensacola's a tough town.

They filmed Jaws 2 there.

It is, yeah.

And it will be one of those that will be sucked into the ocean

within the next 10 years.

And that's where she'll be down there amongst the coral. ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding but yeah it's a horrible story yes it is but hey you didn't get the kid kids are dead parents are dead well the parents are dead and some children are dead in Falls City.
Not on this story.

No, I'm moving to a new story.

Cool.

There is a boy, a 15-year-old boy shot his parents and three siblings dead.

And then, this is outside of Seattle, they're very well off.

And then he tried to frame his 13-year-old brother as like as a murder suicide for the whole thing what's his name um his uh the 15 year old boy killed his parents and three siblings in fall city washington um i don't have the kid's name but the father's name is mark humiston and his wife sarah he was a he was an electrical engineer and uh his wife was a registered nurse they had a luxury 1.4 million dollar home this is where i like daily mail they always tell you how much their property is worth yeah they're good and classless but it's 30 miles outside of uh seattle and like nothing ever happens in this town it's one of those places where it's like it's stole someone's mail a couple years ago. You know, it's like one of those neighborhoods.
And the kid apparently, when he called the 911 on himself, when he called to try to blame his little brother, it sounds just like a little, just like a fucking older brother. Oh, my brother just shot my whole family and committed suicide too.
Yeah, because he just put the hand, just put the Glock in

the kid's hand. Yes.
And

obviously he had no residue on

his hand and the bullet hole

didn't match up where it should have been.

But you know what stopped him? What?

His meddling little sister.

So his little sister hid

and actually was the one that told the

police that he was the one that killed everyone.

So the little sister actually, she

lived and survived. 11 year old Yeah she's legitimately going to be Laurie Strode Yes You know as this guy gets out of jail later on To become Michael Myers I mean he's never getting out You know with juvenile cases It is interesting You kill the whole family Well now like you look at the Slender Girl killers, the Slender Man killers, one got out, the other one's still begging to get out.
It's going to be a little bit... You're looking at the Menendez brothers who are really close to getting out.
But that's all different. There's a motive there.
We don't know what's developing here. Mental illness and you're 15 years old.
You don't know what the hell you're doing. Yeah.
Like, even though, yeah, you're killing everybody.

I doubt he gets, I'm saying I doubt he gets out of jail.

Yeah.

But when you kill somebody that early, a lot of times, there ends up popping up a chance

every once in a while.

Man, I don't know.

15's like the age where you can almost be tried as an adult.

He will probably not see the outside of jail cell ever again.

Yeah, no, for sure.

But yeah, no, it's a crazy, the family, everyone says they're totally sweet and all that stuff. You should never know.
This is why you don't have kids. Yeah.
Because no, think about this. This sounds like an amazing life.
What an amazing life these kids had. You know what I mean? Look at this.
This is a nice neighborhood. Unless they're all getting the finger treatment from daddy pants, right? Yeah.
Then things aren't that bad. You can't just be mad about living in the suburbs.
That's why you start rap metal. Okay? Listen to me.
If you're in the suburbs right now and you're upset, that's why you go and you smoke resin and you make up rap metal. You don't kill your family.
There's plenty of rap metal in Seattle. There's so much.
What's another good thing for suburb kids Learn to skateboard Start trying to sound like an African American Older gentleman Bottle cap collection Yes, get your broccoli haircuts They love their broccoli haircuts That takes three hours to get the perm Look at them, they all look like my fucking mother From 1992 You want to thinking about doing it. You want to get the broccoli? I don't know what I'm thinking about.
Maybe I should do a little makeover. I think that if we made you look...
I'd do a full Gen Z thing on you. I think that might be in order.
The only thing is... Julie won't touch me.
No. But you know what also is that...
And this is not a body shame thing. Am I too big? There's fat ones.
I've seen them.

Fat and muscular?

I'm, you know.

Well, you're big.

Yes.

It's different.

I don't know.

You might be too broad-shouldered to be Gen Z.

Most Gen Z's pretty stoop-shouldered.

There's some offensive linemen, I'd say, in high school that got the broccoli haircut.

Yeah, I guess they must.

But those frighten me the most. Wow.
Does this kid inspire us? Wow. But I gotta go make things so complicated.
See the way you're acting like somebody else against me, for I'll start it. That's me, man.
I know, yeah. Suburbs, angst, Henry Zabrowski.

Yeah. Oh, and here's a story that, you know, it's got a little lighter.
We've been pretty heavy today, if that's all right. I've been laughing a lot.
I know, but the content is upsetting. Yeah, I mean, sure.
But this is also kind of upsetting, to be honest with you. We were just in Auckland, New Zealand, and now the New Zealand government

says that airports

are hotbeds of emotion.

And they're saying

that you have to keep your

hugging and goodbyes to

three minutes or less when you're going to the airport.

I'm going to put it this way. After the time we spent

in New Zealand, it's a very New Zealand

rule. It is an idea that they can even...
Are they going to time you on your hugs? They said the hug has to be as brief as 20 seconds. What does that even mean? How would you even know? How would you know? Are you going to be staring at families as they all hug each other like a fucking state? Clocking them? That's it.
You're done. You're done.
No more touching. That's enough.
That's done. I don't care if she's from Sri Lanka.
They said if you want to have a long hug, go to the parking lot. What are you fucking talking about? I'm not going out there like I'm getting a rubbing tug.
I'm getting a hug for my grandmother. The parking lot allows 15 minute hugs

free of charge.

I can't fucking hug as much as I

want in the open

air of God.

I literally can't hug as much as

I physically can handle.

Because that's what this is about.

The CEO

says their team has seen

interesting things go on over the years. You're fucking dead.
What? People fucking talking too long? Doesn't make any sense. Yeah, yeah.
So no more hugs. Did they say anything to Russell Brand when he did a full national tour in there? Sounded like some of his hugs were pretty aggressive.
Did they come after him or did they let him fly through customs?

But at the same time, I mean, like, you know, sometimes you just want to get out of there.

Well, it's also, it's kind of nice, like.

How long can you really hug your Uber driver?

Well, you could just be like, hey, you know, listen, Marvon,

I love you so much.

And honestly, everything we've been through at this carousel has been,

has meant so much to me.

But I like, unfortunately, I can't hug you anymore. According to the law, we have to stop hugging.
Yeah. Right? So you go back to your home.
You go back to your family and whatever country you're from. Okay? I love you.
God, I love you, Marfan. Oh, yeah.
God, I wish, I wish we could be together, Marfan, but your culture and mine do not match. All right? So, please, the love of God, release me.
Because if not, I'm going to call the airport police. There's one more fun story I really wanted to get into before we move on.
There's a man in Greece. Well, this is very, this is one of those where this guy, 28 years old, Greek man.
He doesn't look like he's 28 years old. Well, they never do when they commit weird crimes.
Yeah, he's been sniffing shoes. Yeah.
He's been breaking into people's, like, homes. Not in the homes.
These are all outside shoes. That's the thing.
I feel like even, I am, like, obviously I know it's a violation and people get mad when we say, like, what kind of violation is it? But it's just like, you know, he's been repeatedly trespassing on his neighbor's property. They don't know in their shoes that they leave outside.
Oh God. And he came from the Salmoniki, which sounds like a kind of like a foot medication.
Yeah. Um, now, yeah, he's on this.
He's trespassed several times. It's a small town.
He breaks in, he sneals, he sniffs the shoes.

According to him, he says, I do not know exactly how I came to do this act. I feel very ashamed, disappointed in myself.
I can't explain it. I will ask for support to see what is happening and not to make it worse.
He says he's going to call his doctor, Dr. Scholz.
The neighbor said that,

uh,

he's never acted violently.

No,

you know,

he's not,

you know why?

Cause he can access his shoes.

Yeah.

And he doesn't have his stinky shoes.

He might get violent.

I don't know.

And so then,

uh,

they said that they got,

they eventually got sick of this guy smelling their shoes and they got upset. They went to the police.
It's a weird day. It's a lot.
Yeah. And they said the next time they catch the guy doing it, to call 911.
And then they would show up once they caught him in the act. Because the cops don't want to deal with it.
Yeah. You know that they don't want to deal with the shoes.
Also, at this point, you're setting them up. Oh, yeah.
You're leaving the shoes out as bait now. Well, now you it.
You're enabling them. That's what you're saying.
You mean you're letting these fucking stinky hiking boots out there like little sluts in a row sit up there with their whale tails hanging out begging to get their holes sniffed. Oh, man.
The six-year-old neighbor who filed the complaint against the younger neighbor smelling their shoes told the court that he spotted the defendant three times on their property, adding that other neighbors had also caught him sniffing their shoes over the past six months. Hey, man, maybe he's just got a brand.
Maybe you got a brand he likes. Yeah.
And he copped to it immediately. Oh, yeah.
What's he going to do? I wasn't sniffing shoes. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, it's hey, you know, again, whatever gets you through the night.
Yeah. Someone just give him shoes.
Stinky shoes. Just fucking just also.
A thrift store. Is it not? Like, I guess a lot of it must be.
Give a job on a bowling alley. I think sometimes I wonder if it is obviously the transgression, because at some point just smell your own shoes.
Well, that's not fun. Why, though? Yeah.
When another neighbor asked him— Pretend it's somebody else's shoes. Well, here you go, Henry.
When another neighbor asked him why he was doing it, he said, because it makes my life better. It obviously doesn't, buddy.
You're in jail. Yeah.
You know what I mean? A month they gave him, and then three years probation. I think that's— Oh, it is.
I think it's a little much. It's intense.
You probably could have slapped him with a parole or whatever. But I do feel like...
How do you feel like... Have you ever gotten positive validation once from smelling someone else's shoes? I've never tried it.
I'm just saying, has smelling shoes ever led anybody to Carnegie Hall? It doesn't improve your life. I see.
See, you look at yourself, and you're just a shoe sniffer. But when I see you, I'm thinking you could be sniffing shoes at Carnegie Hall.
All right. So listen, just give me 10%.
I'm your new manager. I'm taking you all the way.
Then I just fucking kill them and steal the shoes. You know, it's hard.
You know, it's just getting harder and harder out there to have a fetish. And so you just got to fucking, you got to deal with a community of like-minded individuals that will help you get access to stinky shoes.
They're out there. They're all over the internet.
You can buy stinky panties, stinky shoes. These weren't children's shoes.
Anybody, yeah, it's not even that bad. Get a job at a nursing home.
I know several grown-ass women that will take full, real money and they will give you their old shoes. I watched Quentin Tarantino drink champagne out of Uma Thurman's shoe.

Yes, we all did.

That was fucking bizarre.

That's how you get a throat infection.

That's the reason why I didn't do a shoeie when everyone

was trying to make me do it in Australia.

Because you get a throat infection.

I have to talk. Sadly,

this is me talking professionally.

No, you can't be fucking with that.

Especially on tour.

Right from your brain. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.
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Protect your home with SimpliSafe's proactive security that helps stop threats before they happen. Now, the league of industrial spies and assassins that have tried to get into our vault of secret pudding formulas are our never-ending cascade of malevolence.
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There's no safe like SimpliSafe. And now it is time for some listener pastas.
Oh, oh, oh, creepy.

Oh.

It's just upsetting that we don't actually get pasta during this.

We can't have pasta anymore.

We shouldn't have had pasta anymore.

Because now we are too old to have fun.

Isn't it crazy that they tell you you got to stop pasta?

Yeah, it makes me super angry. Talk about spooky.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't, that makes me angry. I wish we could have pasta.
I blame the Italians. I think they purposely gave us bad pasta, so that bad in America, but it's good in Italy.
Yeah. So we have two listener pastas each.

Now, we're just going to do this just because

we got... Honestly, we had a

tremendous amount. A lot got

sent in. We got a lot sent in.
I think we're

going to try to read some more

soon.

But these are the ones... I want a listener

ziti. I think that'd

be better. Really put some time into it.
You just want food. I'm starving.
You just are hungry. I want pasta.
I know. You want pasta.
We can't have pasta. No, no, you can't.
You have protein. You get protein, and you're going to like it.
You get protein, and you get vegetables. Because that's what we're supposed to eat.
Because the second I eat pasta, as soon as I smile,

I know I'm in trouble.

Yeah.

I've been doing the Greek roasted chicken salad at Zanku.

Yeah, it's fine.

That's keeping me alive.

Yep.

I eat out of spite.

Yeah.

No, exactly.

It's one of those where you're like,

go fuck yourself.

Every time I put a fork into it. I just force myself to eat leaves.

Yeah, I hope you die. Yep.
I hate the leaves. I was talking to the leaves.
Yes, to the leaves, not us. I want Henry to live for at least 10 more years.
All right. Now that we just talked about the spookiest thing of all, how our diets have to change.
Italy is trying to kill us. Post-40 life is too real to be not frightening.
But first, let's get into this ritual. Now, this was a ritual written in by the corn man.
The corn man? Yes. All right.
Is that a Christian name? I think so. Corn man.
Perform this ritual if you are feeling negative energy. To perform the ritual you would need the following.
A cell phone with cell service. A bathroom with a locking door.
A mirror is optional. I got one.
To perform the ritual first lock yourself in the bathroom. Done.
If you do not lock the door, you have not performed the ritual incorrectly, but you may welcome unwanted spirits in. What if you want to get out? You just better fucking be ready.
To perform the ritual, open your internet browser. If you do not use incognito mode, you have performed the ritual incorrectly and may need to start again.
Okay. And I'm going to say toss a VPN on there as well.
Search Mommy Milkers. Mommy Milkers.
Or quote, help me, I'm stuck. Oh, either or.
You can probably do the whole sentence. Your results may vary, but this is what I've searched for with successful ritual.
You click on any one of those videos. If an ad plays promising a larger penis,

you know that you have thus far performed the ritual correctly.

Okay.

At this point, a voice may sound outside the locked door of the bathroom.

It will sound like your romantic partner.

Ignore the voice.

This voice may ask the following,

What are you doing?

What's taking so long? Can you help me with something? To dispel this voice, recite the following, I'm shitting. I'll be out in a minute.
Ah. Which is honestly, I'm actually kind of even angry that he's revealing this.
And you're reading it. I know.
But I think it's important to have full transparency here. This is breaking the man code.
Now, if you say anything other than the phrase, you may fail the ritual. The voice is simply there to test your resolve.
Take your index finger and thumb and pinch your penis lightly. You may use your entire hand, but this is all I've needed to complete the ritual.
With your wrist locked, move the index finger up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. You may look in the mirror if you have one and pretend your penis is real big.
This part of the ritual is optional, but I found success in it. Who has a mirror facing their toilet? Some of us put it up there on purpose.
Wowie wowie! This is according to the ritual. Oh, okay.
Wowie wowieie Make sure to flush at least twice To remove any evidence of the ritual If you do not complete this step You may not be able to complete the ritual In the future Congratulations, you have successfully completed the ritual Julia and I, we installed Toilets that face each other So we can masturb each other. Oh, great.
I always loved masturbating after I farted into a toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm faster than she is. You better be.
Mine is called The Purpose of Revenge by Lori Zonka. Full disclosure here, I have not read this story.
I just chose it because her name is close to Larry Zonka. I know.
The football player. The football player.
Who's still alive. Not just a football player, but co-host of American Gladiators.
Damn. Great career.

And now she's here. It was a dark, rainy Saturday.
Jennifer Zeeland had stayed in her condo for the evening. She'd been scheduled to make an appearance at the funeral of some big fish at the family farm.
on account of the weather had blown it off

and was instead browsing the dating app

Elope funeral of some big fish at the family farm on account of the weather had blown it off and was instead browsing the dating app elope e-l-o-p-e on her living room sofa elope i guess you're looking for it to be serious or that's it weird ones yeah her father was furious with her it was supposed to be some big pr coup or something you know she she'd been paying attention that was furious with her. It was supposed to be some big PR coup or something.

She'd been paying attention.

That was hours ago anyway.

It was past nine o'clock now. She'd flick through the litany of duds and bots until she landed on a pretty good catch.
mandarino was a tall

lantern jawed

already tenured marine biologist

at the tender age of

20 And Mandarino was a tall, lantern-jawed, already tenured marine biologist at the tender age of 23. Wow, that sounds like a lie.
Sounds like a series of lies. They've traded texts and intimate pictures.
It had all gone swimmingly. So Jennifer gave out her phone number to continue the conversation off the app.
Her phone rang immediately.

Jennifer picked it up hesitantly.

She hated phone calls.

Why is she giving out her number?

I don't know.

She shouldn't.

It feels like, you know.

It's the whole point of the app.

You just keep talking there until, like, you meet them in person.

That's what you think.

Why would you give your number away on an app when you're already talking to somebody?

You know what?

Honestly, I feel like this person might not use the apps a lot. Well, she answered, uh, hello? She said.
His voice was far higher pitched than she had managed. Hello, Jennifer! Uh, a little forward with the phone call, huh, sis? Why Chikaku have died! What? I don't know.
I don don't understand it i'm just reading it the name was familiar she couldn't place it uh to to get to the other side she tried to joke because it's a chicken ah yes yes man paused sounded as if he was trying and failing to suppress his laughter with a mouthful of liquid.

Jennifer actually took this opportunity to laugh as well.

But man wasn't actually laughing.

Think funny you?

He asked in an icy tone.

Why don't we try that again?

Think funny you?

He asked in an icy tone. Why don't we try that again? Thank funny you.
He asked in an icy

tone. Uh,

kinda.

Better joke.

What purpose

of revenge?

Uh, I don't know.

What?

Show you very soon, he squeaked.

Whoa, no.

Before breaking into a chittering round of inhuman laughter. Call drops.
Jennifer rolled her eyes. Weird.
Of course, all the creeps and incels she had to contend with on Elope, this one had probably been the biggest tryhard. They legitimately, like, it's hard out there for women.

Though still.

The stakes are just so, men just are not good at dating.

Just to be on the safe side, she got up off the couch and called her building security guard, Marlin, on the intercom.

Yes, Miss Zealand?

Marlin answered.

Marlin, I think I have another stranger danger situation. It's probably nothing,

but could you do a sweep of my place? No problemo, Miss Eland. Slow day today.
But say, I hope I'm not being too forward, Miss E, but your daddy, he runs Sealand, the amusement park, with all the fish and such, right?

Hmm.

He does.

I thought so.

Now, I hate to ask, Missy, but my granddaughter, she's been bugging me and bugging me for months to go see the Singing Dolphin Show at Sealand, but for the life of me, I cannot get my mitts on a pair of tickets. You wouldn't happen to be able to pull some strings for old Marlin, would you? Are these all fish? Let's see what I can do.
Are they saying what they're saying here? Is that they're all fish? I think Marlin's just a name. He's also the Florida Marlins.
They share a stadium with the Dolphins. I see what she's doing here it seems like this is like they're all fish the intercom cut off jennifer took a moment to sit back down on the couch and breathe deep but she couldn't shake the name chichaku chichako maybe it's chichake she couldn't shake it out of her head.
It probably had something to do with the company,

so she decided to bite the bullet and call her sister.

Maven always paid closer attention to sea lands day to day.

The prodigal daughter!

Maven answered coldly.

Oh, maybe I should do it.

The prodigal daughter.

Maven answered coldly.

You're doing very good with all the different characters. You're very good.
You're like Andy's circus. Love you too.
Look, quick question. Who or what is Chikaku? There was a pause.
You can't not be serious. Answer the question, sis.
Please. Oh Please Oh my god You don't know who Chikicho Chikako is The singing dolphin No one does Only our number one attraction 1.6 billion In net ticket sales Year over year Or was Until daddy sold her calf To the Japanese elevator chimed.
She could hear it from inside of her house because of the thin, shitty door. That would be Marlon.
Jennifer went back to the intercom. Maven continued.
She refused to eat for five weeks, bitched herself, and just screamed and screamed. Jennifer buzzed Marlon through.
And then what? She asked as the elevator doors parted. Marlon stepped out, clutching his torso.
His face, shot and agonizing sigh at Jennifer. Quoth Maven, never more, Jen.
The funeral was today. You know, the one you blew off.
Marlon slumped... It doesn't really make sense.
No. Marlon slumped down into the pastel shag, smearing, steaming blood everywhere.
Marlon! She shrieked. Jennifer knelt and flipped him onto his back.
His shirt and jacket were soaked with blood. He was still leaking from deep sucking wound just below his right breast.
Jen? Jen? What's going on? Oh, this is Maven. I'm sorry.
Let me check it out. Jen? Jen! What's going on? Who's Marlin? Maven demanded.
No answer came. The phone slipped from Jennifer's fingers and fell into an inland sea of blood.
Oh. An inhuman laugh chattered right behind her.
Jennifer turned to see a rude shape darkening her private elevator. It was a man, but he was bent, stuffed unnaturally into a long yellow fisherman's raincoat.
The hood was drawn up and clinched tight over what seemed a rubber plague doctor's mask. In what looked like bloody rubber gloves, he held a steaming human liver.
I wouldn't know what it looked like. I can see.
I actually can probably identify a human liver. Who are you? Jennifer asked, quavering barely above a whisper.
Me da! Me mad Dorito! The plague fisherman said. The bloody beak splitting into toothy mouth to squeal the words.
Me poor voice! Of revenge! I told you it's all fucking... It's all fish.
With his bare hands. It's all fish and fucking dolphins.
His gray hands. Let's see the end of the story.
Yeah, well, you know. He just tore the liver in half.
She's fine, apparently. I will say straight up.
Marlon had a bad day. Yep, but none of this can happen because they're all fish.
I like this, though. I like this character.
I really like this character. Obviously a fan.
Working in long legs. Oh, yeah, getting it all in there.

Yeah.

Oh, you know, it's great.

Did great work.

Yeah.

Nothing wrong with it.

Thank you, Laurie Zonka.

Literally nothing wrong with it.

Good work.

I'm glad I picked you by your fake name.

Yeah, the Porpoise of Revenge.

Very, very good.

Very, very good.

All right, here we go.

Now, there you got this.

I have another one.

Now, let's do this.

This is a true story.

A true story?

Apparently. Let's see.
Canna by Elizabeth Griscom. This is a true story.
Philadelphia, 2008. The Phillies had just won the World Series.
The city became fanatic. The ERs were flooded with concussion cases, all brought on by acute exposure to 9-volt batteries, improvised bonfires, mostly dumpsters and BMWs.
Filled the night with orange light, PPD had whole squads out dedicated to greasing light poles to prevent glimmers. We all love it.
PPD sounds like a venereal disease. It is.
It's called the Philadelphia Police Department. I, for my part, was a perfectly innocent semiotics major with no interest in baseball whatsoever.

Amid the press of a yingling-filled hooligans at Cecil B. Moore Station,

I just got done with my evening 18th century Turkish lit class.

I was trying to mind my own business.

Slammed as my back was into a defibrillator pack,

just nursing my eight-treat big blue soda and eager to catch the broad street line south to my shitty apartment in Devil's Pocket. That's when he sidled up to me.
He was on the short side, maybe only five foot four. That's short.
My mother was five foot four. Tiny lady.
With dry mouse brown hair, clipped into a wonky bowl cut. I don't recall what he was wearing because his face filled my vision, and I swear every single feature was somehow different from one side to the other as if two different people had been spliced together.
The eyes were especially uncanny. The lower eye was large, watery, and gray with a heavy exposed upper lid.
The higher one was small, keen, and brown, the upper lid nearly hidden beneath a seemingly Asian, epicanthic fold. Their effect together was mesmerizing.
Hello. Can I tell you a secret? He said in a panting, eerie voice, not unlike Peter Lorre's.
Despite the fanatical noise, I could hear him perfectly. Uh, okay, I guess.
The world is going to end in 19 years. He tapped the label of my soda bottle.
So enjoy that beverage while you still can. That's what does 2027.
That's a long time from now. Okay, I said quite put off.
I tried to back away from the gross profit, but it was all hooligans all the way down, and there was nowhere to go. God told me because I'm his only son.
I was born to a virgin in Bethlehem. Oh, wow, that's crazy.
I said through clenched teeth. He also told me that the government would sterilize all men in 2026, chemicals in the water.
Oh, yeah, that's wow. There's a Bethlehem in Pennsylvania.
There is. Oh, yeah, we went to the casino many times.
It's horrible. But if I found my Mary Magdalene before then then, our children...
There was a miraculous rush of air. Followed shortly by the beautiful music of metal grinding on metal, the southbound train was arriving.
Our children would be born fertile and without sin. The train screamed up to the platform.
Will you be my Mary Magdalene? as soon as the doors parted, I wormed into the crowd, impressed into the already royally sardine's train. He made no attempt to follow.
His expression didn't even change. He just stood there, dumbly next to the AED pack, his motley eyes piercing me until the train pulled south, and he exited my life stage left at a decent clip.
At the next stop, Gerard. The train bled a good number of hooligans bound to disperse their lunacy into the RS and E-lines.
I could finally take a seat and exhale. Then the train spurred and we were chugged south again.
Suddenly a shadow fell over me. It was a transit cop.
Close one. Miss, I know it's a special occasion, but you can't have booze on the train.

Come on.

He said tiredly.

It was only 10 p.m. and his blues had already been dappled with brown polka dots of dried blood.

I immediately hefted up my bottle of A-Treat.

Oh no, sir, this is just soda, I squeaked.

That's when I saw that the liquid inside had transubstantiated from electric blue

to a deep wine red.

I was dumbfounded.

The cop snatched the bottle from me and twisted the cap.

The lack of a hiss was deafening.

He sniffed the contents.

Oh yeah? Since when does

a treat make a merlot?

Oh! Weird.

It was Jesus Christ.

He was.

That's what Jesus was probably like.

Super creep.

Super creep. Is that it? Are we done? You got another one?

I got another one.

And I picked this one

because it was short!

Yes!

It also looks like it's written by a madman.

There's no sentence breaks.

So we'll see what happens here.

It's called The Clicking by Johnny Maps. No, Johnny Maps.
It's just Johnny Map, but you got to throw an S. Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
The Clicking and Tapping has been getting louder each day. 3.33 a.m.
Every night, I open my eyes and my clocks say 3.33 a.m.

Click, clack, click, clack.

Tonight is different, though.

I hear the clicking and the tapping and now creaking.

I open my eyes and what?

Click, clack, click, clack.

It's 3.36. I search with my eyes, surveying for the source of the creaking.
And I look in the direction of my closet. Why is my closet open? And why are there two shining things floating inside? My eyes acclimate to the darkness.
Two eyes? I jump back, but she was quicker and she hurtled towards me. Eyes and predator-like teeth glowing in the darkness.
I feel her clammy, loose, and hairless skin as she mounts me, ripping my flesh with her long, sharp, musty talon-like nails. Her blood-curdling screech bursts my eardrums as I fight for my survival.
Do you want to do the screech? Ah! She lifts one hand in the air to deliver what has been the final blow, but I catch it as it's coming down. Oh, sorry.
I'm ruining your chaotic story. The last thing I see is the clock showing 339 before she shoves her rotting nails into my chest.
I shoot up sweating, breathing profusely. What kind of dream was that? I look over to the clock.
3.36 a.m. And that's when I hear the clicking, the tapping, and the creaking.
Yeah. That's the story.
Yeah, it's a lot of creaking, a lot of tapping. A lot of cracking teeps.
It just sounds like just sounds like Fucking you know Living in New York Tip tip tap Oh what a scary day Oh my god Oh you know And our audience Gets scarier And scarier each week Oh the grammar We are gonna I'm so scared Of the grammar We wanna say thank you To everybody you sent in We had many of them We still to use these again. So I want to make sure, we have a lot of them.
I just wanted to make sure we got to stories today as well. Because we had so many fucking crazy stories.
Lots of crazy stories, lots of listener pastas, and now we say we have lots of them, so don't write more. We got them now.
We got them. We're going to work through this, and then I will ask for more again.
Yeah. I promise you.
So thank you guys so much for listening. We got back this week.
We're finishing. We're going to do more of the Kruger's Door cult murders for Halloween week.
And we had a lot of stuff coming down the pipe. Also, look out for something very special coming out tomorrow, Halloween day.
We have something very little, a special gift for you. So go to patreon.com slash blackoutsontheleft.
You can watch us talk. You can watch the live stream live on Tuesdays at 6 p.m.
PSD whenever you get the chance. And side stories, we always put out the video episodes a couple days after on YouTube.
So if you want to look at us while we do this. Please do.
And go to twitch.tv slash lpntv to see all of our Twitch streams. And if you don't see them there live, go to our YouTube, which is just go look at last Last Podcast on the Left on YouTube.
It's all on there, and then go to LastPodcastontheleft.com to buy tickets to our Los Angeles show, please. Also, tomorrow on Halloween at 5pm Pacific, 8pm Eastern, we got the Hoopagoo-Goo game coming back.
Yeah, and Good Put is also coming back Wednesday. Oh, nice.
That's today. Yep.
Great. Tonight.

Oh, yeah, and Good

Putcast is also coming out Halloween. We got a lot

going on. There's a lot.
We're doing

a lot of shit, man. We're doing a lot of shit

over here, but check out Hoopagoo

Game. It's going to be Amber Nelson

and I and Judge and

Contestant 1 and Contestant 2.

So we'll have a lot of fun there, and go ahead

and listen to the brighter side.

A cynic's look at optimism.

You fucking love it over there.

Yes, please.

Take a look on the brighter side every once in a while.

Ah, yes.

You dirty fuckers.

Hail Satan.

Hail Mandarino.

Yeah, sure.

Your love.

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