Side Stories: Bagpipes & Body Bags

On April 18th, Sinners are coming.

From Oscar-nominated filmmaker Ryan Coogler,

director of Black Panther and Creed,

starring Michael B. Jordan,

comes the motion picture event of the year.

Twin brothers Smoke and Stack,

both played by Michael B. Jordan,

return to their hometown for a fresh start,

only to discover that an unspeakable evil

is waiting to welcome them back.

Don't miss this genre-bending thrill ride

shot with IMAX film cameras.

Sinners arrives only in theaters on April 18th. Rated R.
Under 17 not admitted without parent. Halloween in April.
You heard right. Shudder is bringing you halfway to Halloween.
Because you shouldn't wait until October to feel the joy of horror. So get ready for a terrifying lineup.
From cold classics like Evil Dead. To new releases like The Rule of Jenny Penn, starring John Lithgow, which Stephen King hails as the best movie of the year.
Shudder on AMC Plus is your streaming home for horror, with spine-chilling movies and series all year long. Learn more at amcplus.com.
There's no place to escape to. This is lost on the left side stories that's when the cannibalism started side stories yes no actually I quit I'm out of the comedy business.
Yeah? Yep, I'm out. You're in the podcast business? No.
What are you in? Mostly I'm in the getting women adjusted to this body business. My goal is for men across this entire country and women transitioning to men to provide a base disgust level that will allow people to sort of like, you know, you look upon me, you look upon this body.
Yeah. You look at my body.
You say like, wow, how does that guy do anything? Yeah. Like, right.
Tie your shoes. Don't know.
Yeah. Even open the door to your car.
Have no idea. Put on a belt.
Don't wish I didn't have to. Yeah.
Right. And I want you to know my job is being here and existing and much like people want to.
And I'll say this across the board. I feel like a lot of groups are experiencing this right now.
And this might actually be a little bit even a heavy way to start the show. OK.
Which is I understand that entire cultures are being erased. people don't want to talk about trans people but you know what's really being erased is the fat

husband from sitcoms. Yeah.
And that's what I'm here to bring back. Yeah, no, you're part of the trans fat community.
No, I am fat. I'm just, I am, I'm fat.
And so, again, it's important to remember people like me, the other fat guy who lost the weight from the Mike and Molly. Did he lose the weight? Oh, he had to.
I think the government made him. That is the thing.
They all, you know, John Goodman lost the weight. You know, you get mad, but then you realize they were going to die.
Yeah, absolutely. I saw John Goodman walking around at Disney World once.
It looked strange. But at the same time, glad he's healthy.
Glad he's healthy. But this is the thing.
That's why I'm bulking back up. Goodman's getting big again.
I just don't think there's anything any of us can do about it. Kevin James is getting hard.
There's no reason for that. Is he getting, like, his penis? No, never.
He can't. No, he can't, right? No, I thought he couldn't.
No, no, no. I'm talking about just his body.
He's trying to, look at him. Kevin James is getting all tight and hard.
Oh, it looks bad. Yes, I don't like it.
I don't. But at the same time, I guess I am rooting for them.
But I just want to say for Kevin James. Oh, you like Kevin James.
I'm fine with him. I love the one bit.
You like the Queen's show. Well, I love King of Queens.
And I also unironically like the one bit that he did in his old stand up special. I never seen any.
He talks about how his main bit was that I just want to lose enough weight so that my tits stop jiggling when I brush my teeth. That is the best thing that he's ever said.
That is a good bit. But that's why here, guys, I know a lot of you have been wondering where's your representation, and I'm coming back with it.
I just don't jiggle. Yeah, yeah, my tits are always slopping around.
My tits are so sloppy, some people just straight up call me Rue McClanahan. She had great tits.
But if you took Rue McClanahan and you threw her down a slip and slide, you don't mean to tell me she's not going to be all sloppy and gunky? She was actually, she had surprisingly tight, small breasts. Welcome to Side Stories.
You're here with your host, Henry Zebrowski, and I'm sitting here with Ed Larson, Rue McClanahan fan. I love her.
Actually, I've been watching Golden Girls lately, and it's all jokes. It's very funny.
It's a great show. It is a phenomenal show.
It's a fantastic show. It really is legitimately very funny.
But this is where I want to bring up something very serious, that you lost your dog. My dog's dead.
Now, I'm so sorry, but I wish that there was a way to do it. If we found, are there nudes of Rue McClanahan we can show Eddie? I think there is.
Wow, that's the closest we got right now. There are a couple Rue McClanahan nudes, I think.
If we could just show Eddie just one nude picture of Rue McClanahan so that he can have the emotional strength to get through this episode. Wow, she looks great in that picture, Rob.
That's kind of doing it for me. Yeah.
All right. All right, this is enough.
Now we're just getting it hard. That's a golden woman.
All right, I regret that we did this. No, but if you really wanted to make me feel better, you know, Sunday, the Black Lab? Yeah.
If we could shave her and I could see her nude, because that's who rambo really got into he was all about sunday he would like he would always make me go to her instagram page and be like yo eddie i gotta lick my dickie when i look at sunday the black lab because you help me masturbate i help rambo masturbate all the time and uh she's this is her she's still around sunday miss sunday she was retired for a little bit, but she's still around. This is her in the bath.
Oh, Rambo would have loved this. Look at her just licking up that bath water.
This is supposed to be a touching moment. I was really hoping that we were going to cut to Sarah McLachlan track.
You can play Sarah. No, we can't anymore.
You can't. It's all all copyright.
Our sadness has to be purchased, Eddie.

But yes, I, um, yeah, no, Rambo died

this week. And I'm very sorry for your loss.

We had to let him go. It was very sudden

and he's such a good boy

and I love him. I'm wearing his handkerchief.

You did a good job.

I did. He's a good boy.

He mixed it up. He had a great life.

He did. He mixed it up.
He had a lot of

celebrity pool parties. He did, yes.
You know, he hobnobbed to the best of his ability. I let him attack one skateboarder.
Cool. That's nice.
Also, if you want to pay tribute to Rambo. Attack a skateboarder.
Well, I've just been barking at him. Yeah.
And it's... Do you be surprised how good it makes you feel? Oh, no, I'm not surprised.
No, like, I'm serious. Try it.
Like... It should be illegal.
Yeah. If I could, I'd make your fun times illegal, and I'd have the secret police going to arrest you.
Yeah, one time he actually did chase down a skateboarder and knock them off of their skateboard and I was like, holy shit, Rambo is going to attack this kid. I'm going to have to put him to sleep.
The kid? Oh yeah, the kid because he touched my dog. But Rambo didn't bite.
He just wanted him to stop skateboarding. See, that's it.
That's all it is. Because I could tell he had a skateboarding accident when he was younger.
He did. He did.
His tail had like two skateboard marks. Oh, I thought he was trying to do the 1080.
No. So it's hard on a lab mix to do the 1080.
They get so scared once they come down the ramp. Can I tell one Rambo story before we have a normal show? Of course.
I remember we were at the, it was the Alec Baldwin roast after party and pre-murder. So don't hold it against Rambo for being there.
Of course not. But you guys still though, you guys had bulletproof vests on.
Yes. No, we made sure.
We made sure. So we're at this after, or it was the premier party rather and so it's like a pool party slash premiere party and ireland was there ireland baldwin uh and she was we all know how she is but she's always got their fists up and ready to go yeah because she's arming herself against her father so i remember i i heard like you know because i'm cooking and shit you know i manning the party.
And then I just hear Rambo barking like crazy. I'm like, I should probably check on this.
Yes. Even make sure it's not attacking Rue McClanahan or something.
Yeah. And then I see like Ireland Baldwin, like pinned up against the wall and Rambo just barking at her like really intently.
I'm like, oh, my God. Ireland Baldwin, no.
She's like, oh, hi.

Oh, what's a nice dog.

Oh, so good. Are you the big fat

chef there? Oh, so nice to see you.

I'm just one of my daddy's

little piggies.

Yes.

I said, I'm so sorry about Rambo. I'm so sorry.

She said, oh, don't worry. She's like, I don't know

why he's barking at me. I already gave him

a cheeseburger. Fed him an entire cheeseburger.
Celebrities, they, don't worry. She's like, I don't know why he's barking at me.
I already gave him a cheeseburger.

Fed him an entire cheeseburger.

Celebrities, they are not like us.

They just don't understand that you can't feed a dog an entire sandwich.

Yeah, she gave him a whole cheeseburger.

And that set him off because he's never ate an entire cheeseburger before.

No, no.

If anything, I gave him just the burger.

Of course. No bun, no cheese.

You're not supposed to give a dog white flour.

It was probably a bunch of onions and whatever in there. And condiments.
Yeah, if I made it, it was, I mean, amazing. Of course.
Filled with spices. Yeah.
And that's how you rile up a dog. Absolutely.
But, you know, we just love Rambo. He was a good boy.
He really was, and you did such a great job, and he is, he's the only place I believe there could be an afterlife for is animals. Yeah, you think so? Because we don't deserve a second run.
I don't think there is. I'm pretty sure he's just dust.
I haven't gotten the dust in the mail yet. Wait till a hummingbird comes.
Yeah, I haven't gotten that yet, so maybe we'll... They mail that, huh? Yeah, they're gonna mail it to me, Rambo's dust.
And I remember the lady asked me if I wanted a paw print. And I remember it.
I'm like, nah, I got it. Because this last Christmas, we did a paw print on a Christmas ornament.
Yeah, that's really cute. Which is really nice.
And I'm like, nah, I don't want that. I got the alive one.
Because they just hit this dead foot and put it in, you know, inclement. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not romantic. No, I don't like that idea of you taking the corpse of my precious pet.
It's not my dog anymore. No, it's meat now.
It's a corpse now. Well, I'm glad that we all...
Where should I scatter his ashes? Dude. Earwolf.
Let's go. Just get booked.
This is his last reassure. He just wanted to be on fucking fucking comedy bang bang None of you guys would answer his fucking emails

We're throwing the fucking

You're getting these dog ashes Scott Ackerman

I just show up

My character's a bereaved man

Who never got his son booked

So yeah

R.I.P. Rambo you were the best

And I will replace you

Soon

Great and that's important to know

The truth is that I've said this to many people

I'm going you soon. Great.
And that's important to know. The truth is that I've said this to many people, and I definitely know that you have to have your feelings and you will.
You obviously process these, but I do believe that the best way to fix losing a dog is just get a new one. I gotta wait until Tootsie dies.
I got an appointment for her to die in a couple weeks. So I think that'll happen.
Blue Easter cult's going to play or whatever. It's going to do a whole thing.
They're all going to come over and the guy's going to be like, it's time. That would be kind of cool.
I immediately called my dog nanny and fired him. I was just like, you're...
Sorry, I'm laughing. This is stuff about...
Yeah, you're out of a job. And he's like, I'll...
Spatula sit. I'll open sit.
No, I'm sorry, sir. They already have their sitters.
Although the kitchenware is well taken care of. They're in my drawers.
How about I just sit your weed,

your piles and piles of weed.

I mean, technically he does do that as well.

Yes, he's becoming a little bit of that guy that used to roll joints for Snoop Dogg.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Except he's, you know, not Asian.

Way less paid, too.

Yeah.

Way underpaid.

So, yeah.

So anyone knows a good executioner for Tootsie,

you let me know.

We're actually, side stories, L-P-O-T-L-G at gmail.com.

We're going to do a random poll for that.

So if you send in as many emails saying you want to be the one to execute Tootsie, we will randomly choose. You just have to be within 100 miles of Los Angeles.
Oh, also, just so people know, we did kill Rambo with an old vet. You know, I made sure.
an old vet to kill it yeah I checked their ID there were 62 that was it was across the border because in LA you can never tell they can be 25 they can be 89 yeah yeah so I checked the ID and it was an old vet that killed Rambo so we know that it was done properly well thank you Eddie no problem thank you for being there for me kind of I was You were there. It was fun.
You came by. We were there for the first vigil.
That's why I decided not to have a proper funeral for Rambo because he had one a year ago. We did the living funeral.
Yeah, which is a great thing to do. I like it so much better.
I'm going to have one. It's made me decide.
I'm gonna have a an alive funeral first what 65 man 58 58 i think 59 when you can cash out the 401k is that the age i think so you have a 401k we all do we have a pension plan here i don't yeah you do no one's told me about it oh we'll see i think Yeah? You're my employee. You're fired.
Great. You're hired.
What? No! Back on staff. I don't agree.
Alright, let's do some news. Let's do some news.
Here for some side stories. Now, the reason why we have chosen this story first is because it's the funniest headline of all of them.
It's very weird. It is very confusing.
It took me like three read-throughs to actually understand what happened. I think that's because editorial writing is at its lowest it's ever been.
But it is, this is a very funny headline. So here we go.
The bagpiper of Decatur dies in scuba accident, missing son's body found in Treehouse. Okay.
How do these come together? We don't know. This is where the mystery is, but it's pretty funny.
So this is in Decatur, Georgia. Georgia.
This is not in Georgia. I love Decatur.
I have wonderful friends that live in Decatur. I have my friend Jenny, who is wonderful, effervescent costume department.
And we have Karen Fried. We have people that live out there enjoying them doing their lives.
Love Decatur. What are their actual addresses? 449 Marijuana Lane.
Yeah, you do it there. Oh, yeah.
So this guy named Henry Franz. He's awesome.
I mean, we don't know. He might have killed his son.
We don't know. But I do like his existence.
He's played the bagpipes for everybody. He's played the bagpipes for George H.W., Prince Charles, Jimmy Carter, and the Dalai Lama.
And they all said, stop. But no, they were so excited.
He is a famous, he's the bagpiper of Decatur. So he was kind of known as a guy that would be, he was a local kind of hero.

He would do all of these events, big funerals. Lots of cop funerals, I imagine.

Oh, very much so.

Lots of just straight up pub-based funerals.

Anything that you need a bagpipe for.

I don't think that Lieutenant Rodriguez really would have appreciated the, can we cut some

of the glockenspiel?

I feel like maybe the tuba's

a bit much.

But I'd like to see a mariachi band show up

to Sgt. O'Malley's

watch that go. What a

night. What a night

that would be. I honestly think that they'd love

it. If the first five Guinnesses,

by the end, they're all going to be like,

the Guantanamera. That's what I like.
All right, Gary, get your knees moving. Henry Doyle colon Franz.
Yes, Henry Franz Jr. So he was a known quantity.
So what he did was that he was in and out. He did a bunch of different, you know, he was kind of known, but he was 74 years old and he was super energetic.
And he did the thing that I, we warned about on one of, I believe it was a stream talking about the concept of when you go on vacation and believe you can do a bunch of stuff that you can't do normally. Oh, absolutely.
But because you're on vacation. So he went scuba diving.
He extended himself too far. He complained of severe exhaustion.
All of a sudden, he wasn't with the

scuba diving crew anymore. He was on vacation

and he died there. And so

they went, they packaged up his

body, they put it in a bagpipe,

and they sent it back to Atlanta. But

that's one big bagpipe.

He's a big old man shaped, a France

sized bagpipe.

Now, they said that

they went. I don't really understand what led to the call, though.
So, now, this was in Maui. Now they've been, the DeKalb County medical examiner said they're working on the confirmation of the guy.
They're pretty certain that it's him. They're currently working on now this secondary investigation.

So apparently,

is that later on this day,

now these apparently are not connected,

but we don't know.

This is on Henry France's property.

Indicator.

Indicator.

Is that on March 16th,

so he died on March 10th,

he gets shipped back to Atlanta. Soaking wet.
Soaking crazy. Honestly, kind of irresponsible because he's not an iPhone.
So they they said apparently they went to his home to settle his affairs. His family did.
And then on March 16th, they called the police and they said that there was a skeleton in our backyard treehouse. Cut to them talking about that there was a missing young man.
Now, they said that their son, who went by the name of Henry Doyle Cole in France, he was missing for four years, they said. So the police were like, what? What are you talking about? So's here.
This is his skeleton. They're identifying as a skeleton now, right? But there was no missing persons report filed by the family.
I had no idea that he was missing. The police had no idea that he was missing.
The family kind of, we don't know this information yet. No one's really talking about how, so they were like, oh yeah, our brother's been missing for four years.
Yes. And I guess he's been in here with the old porno mags.
Yeah, he's just been up in the treehouse decomposing. Yeah, hanging out with the robins and the sparrows and they're picking his fucking flesh off his butt.
Now, how clean was the skeleton? I guess it's not in the article. It sounds like he's been dead for the entire four years.
Yeah. It sounds like he went up to the treehouse and never came back.
Now, it's one of those, when I throw a temper tantrum and I go to my treehouse, that's when Natalie comes out with the broom, pumps it on the... Sometimes she'll knock on the wall because I go, no, you don't let me do my boxcar race.
Yeah. You know, let me go down to the science thing.
You love that treehouse. I love my treehouse.
I got my rifles up there. I got my fucking, all my stuff's up there.
All my favorite things. Your snortable drugs.
My fleshlight, all my stuff where I'm me, where I myself is in the treehouse. Free time.
That's, yeah, where Henry can be me. Free in the trees.
I'm not being observed. Except for, again, squirrels and my neighbors and the people in my scope.
Now, we won't know what happened or his connection to it because the secret died with him. Well, we're going to find out now.
You think so? Well, they're going to find out if he had blunt force trauma, I guess. According to them, they're saying there's no sign.
There's no obvious signs of injury or trauma. So it sounds like he died naturally up there, and I don't know if he just died of a broken heart.
Do you think that little Debbie decided to not go with him to the junior prom? I'm actually not quite certain how. He was 28.
He was 28 when he went missing. Suicide by starvation? That's super long, buddy.
It is, but I mean, four years. I mean, we'll find out don't know when he died What if he was super, super big And it took four years for him to starve I don't think it took that long How long does it take you to starve if you're really, really big? I'm going to go ahead and say Two weeks But only if you have water No, but I believe if you are like If you're BMI, whatever, if that's bullshit or not You do eat yourself a little bit Yeah, I believe if you're BMI, whatever, if that's bullshit or not.
But I do believe if you're a certain level of obese, you can actually live for a very long time without food. But you are unhealthy.
Yeah. And your blood sugar could drop.
Yeah. And then you could die of that.
Yeah. All right, what do we got here? All right, it says here.
Now, this is on bigboy.com. This is on bigfatman.com.
Bigfatmanquestions.org. If you simply stop feeding someone any food, they will die within 8 to 12 weeks.
But allow them to drink water. Hmm.
Now, because your body cannot get 100% what it needs from the stored fat, there are a lot of assorted proteins. Sure.
But what about when they're really big? Your organs will start to fail. Yeah.
At 8 to 12 weeks? Yeah, sometime around. I'm surprised you last that long, to be honest with you.
That's what I'm saying. I feel like it's just, wait, you can go a solid two months.
I mean, full disclosure, this answer is on Quora. Right.
So this could be very wrong. No, Eddie, no.
Only experts are allowed to answer on Quora. Don't you understand? I want to go to WebMD.

Yes. The really

reliable source.

The truly reliable source.

But this guy, I mean, we don't even know if he was

involved in this or not. We have no idea.

We don't know if he knew that his son

was in the treehouse. Because if I

had a treehouse and I'm in my 70s, I'm

not going to the treehouse. It's kind of interesting

that this man who played all of these various police funerals, he himself seemed to be avoided these same investigations. And I wonder if it's a man on the inside.
The bagpiper of Decatur was protected by the thin line of blue. Ooh, that is very possible.
How about this? How about his son's like, if you don't stop playing those bagpipes, I ain't coming out of the treehouse. Well, if I ain't bagpiping, I ain't breathing.
That's the only way I can breathe is bagpiping. And he tried to hold out.
And he bagpiped longer than he could stay alive without eating. But also think about maybe he died by bagpipe.
And he was trying to say, I'm going to play the bagpipe until you come out of the treehouse, and he's just... And he's just up there just dying.
Two months, yeah. Humans die around two months.
According to Wikipedia. Again, it's huge.
Wikipedia says two months. Not just anybody can just change all the data in there.
And wasn't there one guy who claimed he lived off of sunlight? Oh, everybody. We've had their column.
There's the... I believe it's...
There's free energy. Dr.
Plant. There's not airitarians.
It's something like that. Sun eaters.
They do a thing where they believe that they can just get everything they want from the sun, but they always end up, it turns out, secretly eating. Yes.
So this is a story we will find out. I don't think we will.
I think this is it. Well, I think that they're going to dig in a little bit of how is a skeleton just sitting out and you guys all...
It had to stink, right? Not necessarily. Like, if he died quickly, depends on what season he died in.
If he died in winter? If he died in the winter, you probably might not have smelled anything. I'm surprised bears didn't get to him.
Again, maybe it's hard for bears to get in the neighborhood because they're all in East Atlanta at Mary's. Oh, yeah.
The bear-borhood. Yes.
Probably bugs then. Maybe.
He was eating my bugs. Or I think that something is happening, and they are about to discover it.
The fact that there was no missing persons report means something. That is why.
Maybe he's like, I'm leaving, and I ain't ever coming back. And they thought he went to Florida, but he really just went to the treehouse.
Maybe they're a little bit of being like, Henry III thinks he's gone. He's just

sitting in the treehouse. They just don't even know

that he's dead there. You know what I mean? Like,

he's just up there in his treehouse.

Loving life. He must be super busy.

No one's taking the cereal anymore.

He didn't answer my text.

So, I don't know, but we will

find out. They are saying that

the pipe band, though, they are mourning

the loss of the bagpiper of Decatur for now, until we find out if he was a serial killer. Who's going to play his funeral? Oh, shit, it's going to have to be that horrible, horrible Johnny symbols.
Yeah. I hate that guy.
Right from your grave. On April 18th, sinners are coming.
From Oscar-nominated filmmaker Ryan Coogler, director of Black Panther and Creed, starring Michael B. Jordan, comes the motion picture event of the year.
Twin brothers Smoke and Stack, both played by Michael B. Jordan, return to their hometown for a fresh start, only to discover that an unspeakable evil is waiting to welcome them back.
Don't miss this genre-bending thrill ride shot with IMAX film cameras. Sinners arrives only in theaters on April 18th.
Rated R. Under 17 not admitted without parent.
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Alright, well we have, speaking of

police funerals, we're losing a

cop in Northburg and

County New Jersey.

Now this story is one of those

where, you know,

if you took out all

the people doing it and you took

out the area where it was being done and you put it in a movie.

If it was a goofball comedy, this guy's hilarious. If this was a Will Ferrell vehicle.
Yeah. This is the funniest scene you've heard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's real life.
Yeah, and it was a, I believe he was a chief. A police chief.
New Jersey police chief as being accused of five of his officers of turning the, I believe it is the North Bergen Police Department into a so-called animal house filled with pranks, defecating on the floors, spiking the office coffee pot with Adderall and Viagra.

And then he jabbed an officer in the penis with a hypodermic needle. Now, I'm going to go ahead and say, none of those are pranks.
No. Those are all, like, random assaults.
He would go, he'd send sex toys and gay pride flags to cops, and then he would shift them the night shift if he doesn't like them to the people underneath him. Now, this really seems to, to kind of apparently went out of control.
Eddie. Yes.
Chief Farley. It was a.
Which is hilarious. His name is Chief Robert Farley.
Now, there is a picture here that we're looking at that says Chief Farley's defecation, which was there was shit shat onto a series of paper towels in the toilet. So the next to the toilet.
Next to the dark they would specifically step on it and he wouldn't let them clean it up because he said he wanted the maid to do it or the cleaners to come and do it he wanted them to do it specifically now they're saying here he has really been doing these so called practical jokes for I guess for a couple. And they're finally suing him.
It's taken a long time to sue this man. Yeah.
And it is just this picture. They have pictures of here, I guess, like in a funny little thing of him shaving his arm onto a bunch of paperwork of another fat officer, which is, again, funny.
And it's not the other officer's fault. He's fat.
He lives in North Bergen, New Jersey. That's what

you have to be. Yes.

No, no, no. Actually, there's a scale

at the front, at County

Line, there's a scale

that you have to step upon in order to

even be able to purchase a home in North Bergen.

Now, these guys are,

again, they think it's real funny. They do

a thing where they shaved.

That's sort of funny.

He microwaved a bunch of hot sauce, and then it turned radioactive somehow.

And then it stunk up the entire...

Everyone had to leave the police station because they thought it was actually sprayed by pepper spray.

I think that if you did cook it in that way, it would turn into something like a pepper spray.

He also put a ghost pepper on a hamburger that he fed to a one-year-old. Funny prank.
What a funny guy. That's the chief of police.
One-year-olds aren't even supposed to eat hamburgers. They're just, like, not even in play.

You know what I mean?

They're not in play for pranks.

They don't understand pranks.

You can't get one over on an infant.

They can't speak.

So, I do like this one.

This one I don't understand.

He called it a quote-unquote prank.

He said he was being chased around the office by Farley. He cornered me in a filing area with no further room for retreat.
He then stuck a hypodermic needle through my jeans into the tip of my penis. Now, I don't know.
I haven't seen that. I know Impractical Jokers is getting a lot of heat recently for the stuff that they've pulled off off-camera, but I've never seen anything like this.
But, alright, you have to let somebody do that. You can't get chased around and then a needle go through your jeans.
Yeah, you can. Jeans are thick.
No, you can do it. He's jabbing at him with a hypothermic needle.
It's through his dick? Yes. His penis is at the front of the I think that this one one he was either being held down by other cops.
That's possible. Or he let him do it.
I just think you don't understand how thick your gut is to hide your penis. I don't think you could get me.
With a hyper hypodermic needle. Oh, I could stab your dick with a hypodermic needle.
If I let you. If I'm moving around, I think you'd get my thigh, or you'd get my something else.
I feel like he accidentally got the penis. Yeah, he got the penis.
Yes. I'm not saying he was trying to aim for the penis.
Oh, he definitely was aiming for the penis. Yes, but then he accidentally got the penis.
Yeah, I think the chances of him getting a wiggling man's penis with a hypodermic needle through jeans is very rare. Side stories is lpotl at gmail.com.
How would you get a moving man with a hypodermic needle through the jeans? In the penis. Through the jeans in the penis.
What's your foolproof way of doing it? I think with the jeans would help snap the needle off without it ever touching your penis. No, you'd be probably snapping it off.
Wow. Oh, yeah.
No, it's not through the zipper. My penis hides behind my zipper.

I think it's because, Eddie, I'm going to mean this in the nicest way possible.

I think that you and I have what you'd call, we're growers.

And I think that some people have more.

I think some men, I think some men have more than this.

And I think that the penis then can cover more hittable area.

Well, here's the other thing that the people are saying about the whole situation is that they don't think the cops who are making the reports, they think they're just doing it because he cut their overtime.

Well, it's that's sure.

Probably the final straw.

I think that it's all fun and games until you realize that he's, that's sure. Probably the final straw.
I don't, I think that it's all fun

and games until you realize

that he's also fucking with us.

So I think that's the problem is that

they're all like, they are suing him because he

is just kind of, they're talking to you about

him fucking with the schedules.

But it did sound like, yes, they

were all laughing along.

When you're chief of the police.

One of his pranks is just a bunch of broken glass on someone's desk.

Yeah, he threw a plaque at them.

And he was just like, they laugh.

Laugh, you fucking pigs.

Like my intro.

But this, you know what it is, Eddie?

Is that the problem truly is that he's chief of police.

And I bet you do have to laugh along.

Yeah.

While you are trying to act as if everything's normal. And then it finally gets to a point where maybe now we can maybe stop this.
But it does seem that he did turn it into his own playground. Yeah.
No, he's definitely a monster and it needs to be gone. But, again, what's one of my favorite movies? Super Troopers.
So I do understand that cop-based shenanigans are funny to me, but only when they don't have real guns. Yes.
That's it. This guy, I mean, who knows what his kill count is.
I mean, God knows what he then does in his regular life. Yeah.
But cops play pranks. It's what they do.
But pranks should also be funny if you can help it. Well, I think goodbye to this man.
He's not going to be working. I think he's going to be fired.
No, I don't think he can get any job after this. No.
Not even like a Toys R Us. Unless, again, Joe Gatto is gone.
Soon to be Murr is gone. I'm seeing a spot in Practical Jokers for this guy.
I'm seeing a spot. Well, there's another prank in the news that I'm interested in.
I don't know if it's a prank. Maybe it's not.
But the article says, it's a lot of pee. It's a lot of pee.
Yeah, a man has no idea who is putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin. We don't.
Or why? You see, we don't have a choice, guys. The amount of emails that were sent about this story ranged in the several dozen.
Now, this is our burden. People a lot of times ask, like, side stories.
Is it just about people living quantities of things in places that they aren't normally? Yes. Yeah, it's a big part of it.
These are side stories. It has become such a large part of our show, and I don't know why, because it just keeps happening.
Now, this story is then sort of interesting because you're talking about, like, this is six gallon jugs of hot piss.

I'm counting eight.

Yes.

He put them in his recycling bin.

Now, it went to get picked up by the recycling guy, and the guy stopped him.

Because he said that this is a biohazard.

Yeah.

PP can't go in the garbage machine.

Yeah, or especially the recycling machine.

I did not know that PP can't go in any of these machines.

You could put PP in the garbage. But also, can you? Yeah, sure, why not? So you mean, tell me, if he just put this in the other bucket.
I think the problem is that it's in recycling. No, I think the problem is that it's a biohazard.
They don't like you putting peepee in the garbage. I think everybody...
Well, they don't like lots of things, but it doesn't mean I ain't doing it. How do you say this? I think that if you're throwing out gallons of piss and you have that wherewithal to save them in big, giant, gallon jugs, I'd say dump them in the sewer, or they want you to hide it, Eddie.
They're like, lie to me. That's what they're saying.
They're like, don't, just like, yeah, piss all over the garbage. You're going to piss all over

the garbage. That's something else.

That's different. I can't see it.

I don't think that you should. I think you should give more respect

to our sanitation workers because

of how hard they work and you shouldn't be

pissing all over these things. But I

feel that this is

not how you do this. What I don't

truly understand is

why save it?

Pee goes into the ground so

easily. Not for this guy.
It sops into

the This is not how you do this. What I don't truly understand is why save it.
Pee goes into the ground so easily. Not for this guy.
It sops into the street. It sops into the grass.
This guy wants to see the best and he likes having it. Since Rambo's been gone, I've been peeing outside in solidarity.
Just for him. Just for him.
Also, so Tootsie knows that there's pee outside and she should go to the bathroom. But this guy, I'm not putting in jugs and saving it.
No, you shouldn't be. It's going straight to the grass.
If you were putting in jugs and saving it, I would call the mental hospital. I'd get you Baker Acton.
Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.
Why save it? I don't know. All right.
In a non-medical setting, according to Google AI, if a jug of urine doesn't contain visible blood, it could be safely disposed by pouring the urine into a toilet or sink.

Just say toilet. Yeah.
Don't say

sink. Don't give people the idea.
What do you mean

if it doesn't contain visible blood

then it's fine? It's fine.

What does that even mean? You could put that in a toilet?

Yeah. If you have a

jug of bloody urine, though,

I dig. You got a lot more

problems than storage. Do you think

a bloody jug of urine, is it orange

or does it have red mixed

Thank you. a jug of bloody urine, though.
I think you got a lot more problems than storage. Do you think a bloody jug of urine, is it orange or does it have red mixed in floating around? I kind of see the red mixed in floating around kind of like, you know those old ice cream cups? Yes.
Those are delicious. I used to miss those.
I miss those. I love those.
You remember? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, with the little cherry syrup on the side.
Yeah. Or strawberry syrup.
Strawberry. Yeah.
That's the blood. That's the blood.
That's the bladder blood. Now, do you think this is one person or do you think there's a team of people? Because this is a lot of pee.
I believe that it might be... It seems like it's a lot of pee from one person that has saved it over a long period of time.
Okay. Now, I pee like, you know, I take blood thin, and I piss like a motherfucking racehorse all night.
Hell yeah. I piss and piss and piss and piss.
I'm sometimes shocked at the volume of piss that comes out of me. I got a lot of pee pee, too.
And so I think that may be good. What's funny is that the guy also goes, he was caught on ring cam.
Oh, the guy who did it. They have set up now several camping cams to try to catch him.
This is a whole thing. Oh, so he's done this more than once.
Yes. I think that the guy, it's happened now so many times that he had to start pulling his bins in, right? Because he was sick of them going in there.
And the guy just started dumping them in his neighbor's bins. And then he decided to say, oh, I'm going to reposition the bins so they are more able to be caught on camera.
Yeah. And then when he did that, the guy moved the bins again because he decided that he knew he was being caught on camera.
He showed up masked in a hoodie dropping off the piss. Now, I think that this is a revenge scheme.
I think that this man is pissed off somebody. Could, obviously.
Could this man be the culprit himself? You think the piss is coming from inside the house? Yes. I don't know.
I don't know if it actually, I mean, take it back. Not yes.
I don't know. I don't know.
I think that this is somebody that knows this person. This is some form of revenge.
This is a revenge for something that this person has done, and we don't know what it is. I don't know if it's piss-based crime i don't know if it's a fart or poop based crime yeah i didn't know whether or not it's because he had sex with his wife or he had sex with his daughter but and the only thing i will say is that this p vengeance we need to think about this because you know you know i even say eye for an eye makes the whole world Piss for a piss makes everything absolutely covered in piss.
And that's not a bad thing. Yes, it is.
But depending on what you like. The pee-pee, Pasadena pee-pee man.
Whatever happened to him? Did they catch him? I just went... Faded away.
Faded away. He just kind of, he got caught, got, again, too much heat.
Too much heat. Too much heat.
This could be a copycat piss bandit. Yeah, I know.
Honestly, I'm going to put this more so. Unfortunately, I'm going to put this in parallel thinking.
I don't think that this is a Carlos Mencia thing. I think that this is somebody that, I think everybody's just thinking about piss.
Do you know that when I was on probation, my probation officer told me that I had the hottest piss of anyone on probation? That's flirting. It was.
It does seem kind of flirty. That's flirty.
I told him. Hot piss.
Yeah. Long dick.
And you're like, no, sir. Actually, no, maybe I'm wrong.
It turns out it should be the opposite because then it's the less time the piss can cool in the dick. Yeah.
The shorter your penis, the hotter your piss. Oh, yeah.
So maybe I was flirting by my urine so hot. No.
Sorry. Next time I'll bring it in at 185.
You ever do that thing when you go to Starbucks, you see a coffee, and they go like extra hot? Yeah. How do you do that? I don't know.
They're horrible. People who do that are maniacs.
Do you know that if you microwave a coffee cup from Starbucks, you're putting microplastics into it because the coffee cups are actually lined in plastic. Oh, of course.
That's why I do it. Oh, okay, good.
Just to get closer to my laptop. Now, that is the, yes, that was one pee-pee-based story.
We have one poo-poo-based story because they come together. And so, unfortunately, we're just going to leave that at that mystery.
It's not going to get fucking solved. Also, very surprised that garbage men look inside the can before they take.

You never got a ticket?

No.

In my old apartment.

Again, this is in Portland, which makes sense.

I believe the other one was in Pasadena, P-Towns.

Both after P.

Yeah.

Both towns start with the letter P.

Oh, yeah.

Watch out, Pittsburgh.

In Poughkeepsie.

Watch out, Punxsutawney.

Oh, my God. They're coming.
Piss is coming to you, Palermo. We got to be careful.
But no, it's not going to get cut. So you guys, so many of you get so angry when we go into the poo-poo-pee-pee territory sometimes.
But again, this is our burden. We don't have a choice.
This is what we are paid to report this is the news if you don't understand how important it is for us to say because if you don't get this information from us you're going to get it from somebody who's going to get it wrong yeah and i think it's important for you to get it from us yeah and like what do you want us to talk about the government no you don't really want us to talk about the government no we talk about piss and poop here no but sometimes we do talk about the government but largely. You don't really want us to talk about the government? No, we talk about piss and poop here.

No, but sometimes we do talk about the government, but largely... But only when they commit crimes.
Yeah.

Bad crimes. Big crimes.
Better

crimes. Interesting crimes.

Not boring, important crimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, this story is

really just about a man's ability, and what

I call this is the first human

squid I've heard of.

A man by the name of Deepak. He's a 27-year-old phone thief from Delhi, India.
Apparently. I want to say he's bringing it back to old Delhi with this activity.
According to Delhi police spokesperson, Deepak, he evaded arrest multiple times by doing what he can only do. I guess it's his superpower.
He can shit his pants on command. Now, he said that not only could he shit his pants on his command, but the poopoo is so offensive and so effective that the police have abandoned their arrest efforts several times and have just let him go.
And so he's done this several times. He's able to shit himself on a moment's notice.
Yes. And that is incredible.
Very impressive. Much as we all do.
Much as the octopus camouflages itself from hunters. Much as the chameleon camouflages itself from hunters.
And this is squid. This is squid activity.
he's squidding himself and then he just

gets to be scot free but not

his pants his pants

they're covered in smeared old dookie

he was doing this for a while

and then the cops who

arrested him came prepared

with masks and gloves

they were like alright we're getting this fucker

today we know alright we're getting

covered in shit this is what we're doing

now I want to know in that

place now Eddie was bringing this up

Thank you. They were like, all right, we're getting this fucker today.
We know, all right, we're getting covered in shit. This is what we're doing.
Now, I want to know in that place, how Eddie was bringing this up, maybe this is a good place to talk about just sort of the nature of this. Where, in my mind, just being in India in general, I've seen these videos, right? I watch all the street food videos, part of things that get sent to me.
My thing is that if you can control the flow of diarrhea in India, you might as well be magneto. It's very impressive.
Because the flooding river of diarrhea that must, has there been a solid poopoo in India? It's possible. Ever.
I don't know. Maybe the guy who, you know, only ate sunlight.
Yes! He'd probably do some pellets. I just want to know, is this inappropriate to joke about? Because we want to know, it's like, yes, when we eat Indian food in America, it affects my belly.
Well, it's all butter and hot sauce. Yeah.
I mean, I don't have a chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what they don't tell you. Yeah.
It doesn't stick in me well. No.
It fucking, man, blasts out of me. Yeah, it tastes very good.
It's like I didn't eat it. It's very delicious.
It's like I just bought Indian food and threw it in the toilet bowl. Yeah.
So my question is, is that do we all have this reaction? Well, I do find that when I pay a little more and I go to a nicer spot, the shits are better. Buddy, you remember we went to, we had that nice dinner with Marcus.
We went to a fancy Indian place. It was very fancy.
And it was a, I've never been, because I like a mom and pop Indian place way more than I like a fancy Indian place. And when we went in there.
Yeah. Dude, I might as well eat at fucking old, you know, Jabbar's chutney spot.
I blew out my fucking asshole for two days. Marcus loves Indian food.
He loves Indian food for the man who's got the thinnest pipes of all of us. Well, he does have a bloody ass sometimes.
I know, but that's because he's British.

It's all the British blood.

British people love Indian food.

I know, but you don't think it blows out their assholes?

Do you remember how good the Indian food was outside of Snowtown at the gas station?

Dude, that was exceptional.

Wasn't that crazy? That blew our mind.

That was really nuts.

That was really crazy, but I've had very good food.

But maybe that's inappropriate, but I don't know.

Side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com.

Does it affect us all like this? Is it gmail.com or gmail.com? Gmail.com. If you could, because, again, I just wonder if, is Imodium the only thing they need? If we pumped Imodium into the water, would that change things? Give it a shot.
I don't know. But I guess some people get diarrhea from anything.
I'm always so surprised how small an imodium is and how much work you can do the key is that's why you know my best way to take it nasally oh nasally yeah you rail it you bump it you gotta snort that yeah you gotta snort that especially when you're on a modium oh yeah oh yeah you want to bump What if you could turn your curiosity for true crime into a degree? At Southern New Hampshire University, you can. Southern New Hampshire University offers over 200 degrees you can earn completely online, including subjects like forensic psychology, criminology, and crime analysis.
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Now, this next story I want to cover real quick because this is one of my favorite stories in the type of stories that we cover, which is a story that makes you think and understand that your most paranoid, horrible, scared thoughts could be real. It's one of my favorite things because it's important to remember sometimes horror enters your life and it's kind of fun in a way if you're detached enough with Zoloft and Weed.
Now, this is a great... That's where you gotta get to.
Now, this is a great story. A babysitter checks under a child's bed for a monster and what she finds is one.
Now, they all say here, I love all of these, all the openings to the articles about the story, they're like, monsters under your bed aren't real. You know what know we fucking know but it wasn't a monster it was just a man yeah it was just a man looking to rape and murder now this is a guy this is on monday 10 30 p.m 27 years old just as old as our indian pooper how many months is that i want to know how many months

are in the pooper

yeah what's the oldest

27

forever 27 baby

yeah but another member of the 27 club

and how many months

is 27 years

324

that's

24 months

so yeah Martin Villalobos

Thank you. is 27 years.
324. That's 324 months.
So, yeah, Martin Villalobos Jr., he was found underneath a child's bed inside of Kansas. Now, this is Topeka, Kansas, known for another favorite bedroom time snooper, Mr.
Dennis Rader, the BTK. This is a guy that liked it.
This could be a copycat.

Well, it started off as one.

Now, this is one of those things.

As a babysitter, this is a good prompt for an email.

This is an actual good prompt for an email.

Side stories, lpotl at gmail.com.

Do you have a scary story as a babysitter with kids?

Because kids, in the whole, are just kind of frightening. Now, the idea of you're a babysitter, kids.
Because kids on the whole are just kind of frightening.

Now, the idea of you're a babysitter,

you don't give a fucking shit.

You're probably stealing

whiskey, you know what I mean, ordering

pornos on the DV there. I don't know what that would be.

Having boys come over and rail you on the couch.

And the other guys are watching you and the

basketball coaches, they're watching them

rail you and everybody's putting money on you. Smoking in the kitchen.

All that stuff. I know how babysitters are.
I've seen all the movies.'ve seen the documentaries fucking breaking the garbage disposal that's all you do right and so you're there enjoying your babysitter time and then the little kid comes downstairs and says there's a monster under my bed and your job is to be the bravest person in the house even though you're 20 years old and you have to go up there and you check under the bed and normally it's nothing, but then

you find this fucking guy

there, right? Which shows that the kids

were correct, which is, again,

also horrible because this kid's

going to be destroyed. But he ran away

and he didn't do anything. No,

but it seems that his

relationship to the children, we don't know

yet. We do believe that he was having some

issue at the house.

He said, according to him, according to Martin Villalobos Jr.,

he used to live at the house,

but a protection from abuse order was issued against him,

which said that he was not supposed to be on the property.

And so he obviously had some problem with somebody else in the house.

We don't really know what his relation was to everybody else.

So he was there to do something fucked up. And then when he was discovered...
You don't think he just missed the house? Hmm. I think that if you missed the house...
Didn't you want to sit in the living room? It's true. You don't really need to be underneath a child's bed sleeping.
No. Maybe it was the shoes sticking out from the bottom of the bed.
I think that's what's hardest. She thought at first maybe the bed had fallen and it crushed a witch.
But no. No, no.
It's a man here to kill us all. Like he's just here to fucking suck.
Yeah. And fucking suck.
Yeah. No, he definitely looks dangerous and scary.
Yep. He looks tired.
He's got the bags under the eyes which look like, you know, I'm about to commit a crime. You know, I'd say, you know, he does have I'm about to commit a crime.
eyes'd say. He does have.
I'm about to commit a crime, I'd say. But they charged him with aggravated kidnapping, aggravated burglary, aggravated battery, child endangerment, felony obstruction of the law enforcement officer.
You're pretty upset with it. Violation of protection from abuse order.
He's being held on $500,000 bond. And he deserves it he deserves it, and we're gonna, I guess, we'll probably not come back to the story, because it seems to be pretty...
Cut and dry. Cut and dry.
Just don't do that. Yeah, no, no, no.
Don't do that. If you want to see your kids, you do it the way the court wants you to do it with the judge there.
Yeah. Alright? There was an altercation, and then one of the children was knocked over by Villalobos when he fled the scene.
So he didn't, like, I guess he was about to do something horrible. Yes.
But he didn't get to do it. Yes.
Thank God. I mean, for us, it's kind of sad because it's less story for us to cover.
But for the kid, it's great. Yeah, for the kid, it's great.
And you know what? We covered it anyway. You know what? That's what's nice.
We got stuff out of it. That's good about stuff about us we didn't have to wait for someone to die the child didn't need to get caught up into confetti for us to make a bunch of great sick jokes about yeah so we still we still covered it and that shows growth on our part but also next time if we're going to do something like that knock them out so that we have more to talk about well i have a story that i really want to make sure we get to today yeah um and this is like it falls right in our wheelhouse this i don't know if you read the whole article or not but it really fucking this whole thing blows my mind i kind of knew that this was happening but i didn't realize it was happening quite like this i got this from the washington post um which i know is behind a paywall.
And if you ever wanted to read a Washington Post article, go to archive.ph and then slap the link of the article in there and you can read whatever you want. You don't have to pay for the Washington Post because fuck Jeff Bezos and the Washington Post.
But this article was great. It's about an orca gang.
Yeah, this is like another behavioral thing. Yes.
Right? But this is different because the boat thing with the yachts, that's cool. Yeah.
But that's a fun thing that orcas are just doing to occupy their time. This is like a straight up murderous gang.
An orca gang is hunting great white sharks off the coast of South Africa. See, this is like, for me, unfortunately, this is like rooting for the Zizians.
You know what I mean? Where like, I can't, I like great white sharks. I love great white sharks.
You know, the idea that I'm ganging up on the great white sharks just to eat their livers and then discard them makes me really sad. I agree.
It is very sad, but I find it fascinating more than I'm rooting for anybody. Sure, I get it.
All right, so the orcas, it's a pair of orcas, males. Their names are Port and Starboard because their fins bend in opposite directions.
That's cute. Um, the great whites great whites, they have been apex predators in the waters outside of Cape Town for what must be hundreds of years.
Yes. Are now being hunted in mass by these two orcas.
Seven gill sharks and great white corpses have been mysteriously washing to shore over the past decade with almost surgical cuts on their bellies and their livers removed. Well, the livers, when they eat a lot of animals, including us humans as well, like what they talk about when you do, when you're hunting in the wild, I learned all this from alone.
The only thing I know this from is that the liver is extremely nutritious. Yes.
It's nutritious dense and then when you, normally

when you are in the wild and you kill

a wild animal, that is the first thing that you eat.

Yes. Because it goes bad

and you get so much

from it. It's powerful.
And that's why

we love liverwurst sandwiches. I love liverwurst

sandwiches. Anything that turns

food into a paste, I like.

See, I think you're more like these horkas

than you think. I'm not saying I'm not.
I'm just saying I'm denying the part of me I find problematic. At first, they thought it was humans because humans use shark liver as bait when they're going shark fishing.
Which is sad. Which is very sad.
It was extremely unusual for orcas to hunt this close to shore. They usually hunt in deeper water.
But they're thinking that the reason they're doing this, not only because they develop a taste for great white shark liver, but because the overfishing in South Africa has taken less fish in the deeper water and has pushed them closer to shore. Jesus Christ.
Now, when the two, they attack, they usually do it together,

they rake the sides of the predators,

and if you remember from the SeaWorld episode, raking

is when they scratch their teeth across

the side of them, because they'll find, like,

it looks like a rake, you got scratched with a rake,

you know, and it scratches the side, and

they bite their fins, and then ram

their bellies, and slice open

their stomachs,

removing the liver, and discarding the rest of the corpse. They don't eat anything else.
They just eat the livers. Now, I know what you're saying.
That's not that big. It's just a liver.
I bet you it's huge. It's one third the size of a great white shark.
Yes, they know that it's in there and they like it. And it's the thing that is literally giving them a great deal of nutrients.
I bet it's a thing that's causing them to thrive too so they like it. Yeah.
This has been witnessed by humans several times now. Port and Starboard had even shown the livers that they've retrieved from Great Whites to humans on boats almost like they're showing off or bragging about their kills.
That's crazy. I find it interesting because they really do.
Because you know what it is? These animals, they're so networked. They're community animals.
So they actually even look, I bet you, we are just like part of that. If they're not actively hunting us to eat us, it's like we're part of the crowd.
No, they like us. Yes.
Especially in the wild. They think we're their boys and shit and you know i would like to be you would um but uh marine biologist allison towner uh said they can handle a great white shark and shuck it like a muscle just tear it open and slide out the liver and discard the rest oh wow well we'll see how this continues like i feel like this is going to be one of those things where at some point it will be like, we'd have to probably do something to stop it if they keep killing.
There's no way to stop it unless you kill these whales. And I don't think they're going to do that.
Listen, electrocute the ocean. The ocean, yes.
So this happens so often that the Great Whites have not even been in these waters as much as they have been before. And it's a sure sign of overpopulation on Seal Island.
You know Seal Island? Oh, yeah. Yeah, right off the case of it's got its name because it's covered in seals.
Yeah. But Seal Island has become overpopulated because all the Great Whites have left.
And now they don't know what to do with all these extra seals. I guess we electrocute the oceans.
Or you get more orcas. Electrocute the oceans.
What we need is throw other things that seals can eat in there and then things that eat the seals. So what we need to do is anacondas mixed with...
Anacondas. Chihuahuas.
Anaconda chihuahuas? No. That's just a normal snake.
No, I'm saying throw chihuahuas in the water for the seals. You get buckets of chihuahuas to drop them in the water to chum up for the seals.
Yeah. And then we get the anacondas to eat the seals.
Then we get men to hunt the anacondas. This is a bad idea.
Have you ever seen Air Jaws? Yes. Yeah, so the Air Jaws takes place in the same area.
Yes, I remember Air Jaws. This is the one part of the world where Great White Sharks regularly breach.
Yes. Because they're attacking the seals from underneath.
It's one of the coolest documentaries that we ever saw. I remember that.
Well, this is becoming a thing of the past because this is where they do it. They breach occasionally in other parts of the world, but this is the part of the world where they breach all the time so we are not going to see great white shark breaches anymore because they're being chased out of this area by this orca gang so we need to bring machine guns down there and we need to kill the orcas and have the great whites go i feel like that i know that sounds really simple but it is and it's that easy.
Right. Like, I don't think it's going to have that big of an effect.
If we just rake the ocean with automatic weapon fire. There are people who would probably be on your side because.
Yes, of course. Great white shark tourism is a major industry in False Bay, which is next to Cape Town.
And they are not showing up anymore. And so now the Great White Shark tourism industry is starting to suffer.
That's what these orcas don't understand. Once you start fucking with these guys' bottom line, then it's going to start because they're going to figure out how to make orca burgers and orca fries and orca stew.
You better be careful, orcas. It's too much mercury.
You can't eat orcas. At all? Oh, no, you get sick.
And then if a child eats it, they'll get big heads and stuff. It's real bad.
In 2016, they found... It's not funny.
There's no reason for me to laugh. In 2016, when this is all starting, they found 27 gill corpses, 7 gill shark.
They found 20 of them, and they were like, okay. They assume there's a lot more because shark corpses usually don't wash the shore.
They usually sink, especially when they got a big hole in their belly. Yeah.
In 2017, they found their first great white body that was missing a liver about 35 miles from False Bay. And then four more were found in the coming months.
So they can only assume that the bottom of the ocean there is just littered with

fucking great white corpses.

Man, those fucking

starfish and shit are eating good. Yes.

Oh, absolutely. That's who's eating good.

They're loving it. On the ground.

That's going to be the fun.

They start coming on shore and they're fucking the size

of goddamn buildings.

Well, hopefully they'll start about the size

of probably a golden retriever or something.

And then that will be the other animal that we'll eat. We'll figure out how to have starfish burgers and starfish roast and starfish soup and starfish nuggets.
And chocolate starfish. That's my favorite.
You ever been eating ass and you think, hey, where's my salt and pepper? But yeah, so we got some true murdering orcas. Sorry, I stole a bit from...
That was me becoming Earthquake for a second. Guys, I don't even know if everybody knows Earthquake.
I love Earthquake. He's honestly the only reason to stay on Twitter is to read Earthquake's Twitter.
There's literally no reason to stay on Twitter. Honestly, if you want to do Goodbye Earthquake, rent his comedy special.
It's really good. Yes, it's fantastic.
Grilled starfish. That looks rough.
I need it. Rob's showing pictures of grilled starfish.
What does it say that it tastes like? It says they find it off-putting. Yeah, I'm not ready.
I'm not ready. I think it needs to be braised I don't think this is a fresh catch grill I think that this needs to be I'm saying right now Side stories also, chefs out there Is anybody eating starfish? Side stories, lpotl at gmail.com Am I wrong in saying I believe the best way to eat it is in nugget form? I'm sure Fried, yeah Because you gotta get all the barn Yeah, fried.
Because you got to get all the barnacles and stuff off, whatever the spikes. You got to get those off.
I have no idea what's inedible. I think you cut out its teeth, you cut out, it's like, does it have tits? I don't think they have tits.
Can you milk a starfish? Let us know. Side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com.
But the truth is- I'll milk my fucking show, my fucking starfish, milk my fucking- The last thing I will say is 70% of all sharks are under threat from overfishing. Climate change has altered the swimming routes of many fish, and underwater nets to protect swimmers on beaches have also claimed the lives of many sharks.
Yes. So now the orcas are finishing the job.
Hey, so we're going to see how this all leads. Definitely not to total calamity.
There's no way. Also, I was being satirical about shooting the orcas.
Oh, yeah. No, I know that.
But unfortunately, people don't. And I was going to say it.
I realized I was having a good time talking about how fun it would be and imagining shooting the ocean and zapping the ocean and doing all that kind of stuff because that's fun for me. Yes.
But you just never know. You know, Jacques Cousteau used to bomb the ocean.
Yes. He would throw dynamite into the ocean and kill large amounts of fish.
And that was before we knew that was bad. I know it seems weird to say that we didn't know that was bad.
He was just like, I try to make a wonderful experience. Yeah.
The magic and mystery of the water. Exactly.
Go down and the best part is you are down in the bottom of the water and you see the little crab. You see the angler fish and the first thought you have is, what if I could make them explode? Thank God I brought my dynamiteite you think he ever fucked

Ru McClanahan?

you think Jacques Cousteau?

maybe

if she was anywhere near that fucking sub

he definitely shot that harpoon

into that screaming gulch

honestly Ru McClanahan's lovely

and that is one picture of her tit

great work

we don't know if that's her tit

that is a black and white tit on it's own

we do not know if that's hers

oh wait a second

I'm sorry. Lovely.
And that is one picture of her tit. Great work.
We don't know if that's her tit. That is just one picture.
That is a black and white tit on its own. We do not know if that's hers.
Oh, wait a second. I believe that's actually the corpse of Marilyn Monroe.
Well, let us just move on. We have some listener emails.
All right. Now, someone says here, I just wanted to talk about last week, saran wrap.
Okay. And Dom's accidentally killing people in breath play now what i liked was this um this was an immediate response that i was like exactly this is exactly what i wanted to hear which is at first remember we were talking about like maybe she didn't know what to do she panicked he died it was clearly It was clearly an accident.
It was an accident. But why is she then going through all of this? Like, what's the crime essentially about this? Straight up.
There is just straight. There is like literally within character a way to do this.
In which, according to one former dom, I worked in a dungeon with a collection of mostly other pro doms.

Some pro subs, you know, people. And there was many people who had the fantasy being wrapped up in saran wrap, right? It's very, very common.
Plastic wrap, please. We don't get sued by the saran company.
No, honestly, they love it because it actually boosts sales. So they're like, people get interested.
And so they said here, like, we said we had to use these industrial warehouse saran wrap devices to wrap guys all the time. This is what they wanted.
At least a couple of times a week, someone would come in wanting to be wrapped in saran wrap. So first of all, it's super common, yes.
Second of all, the lady, this poor girl, is too dumb to function as a pro dom, according to this dom. I feel like a natural selection just took her out because, yeah, they all want stupid shit that can't actually happen in reality.
Yeah. And it's your job as the professional and as the dominant to make boundaries and say, no, you dumbass.
I'm not going to kill you. Don't be an idiot.
I need to walk you out of here alive. And guess what you've done then? Not only have you saved your life, saved this person's life, but you've also made them re-horny by yelling at them.
Repeat customers are best. You want to milk them.
You don't want to want it done here. Absolutely.
So according to this Dom, okay, so I'm not going to literally cover your mouth and nose until you can't breathe. Now I would cover the bottom half of your face and then just the top half of your face so they felt very tight and compressed.
Honestly, I think most of them just didn't get enough hugs as children and they want to be swaddled but in a dangerous way. This is also, this is according to this.
But this is coming from a professional though. Yes.
The lady who did this was brand new. She had never done BDSM before.
But it's also important why conversations about this type of play need to be slightly more normalized. It has to be because it's so common.
We have to kind of break out of this idea that it's a fringe world. It's actually really not.
It's huge. So there needs to be in those worlds more open conversation about how you do these things because i do think that's what she's saying is that every guy who arrives i mean i'm sorry i'm

using man as the fucking base here but let's just face the facts and they come in there and they're

rock hard penis as they're making the decisions they are not going to be super rational like they

are needs you gotta the problem is that erection yeah You've got to eliminate the erection by getting him to cum his pants by doing other things. I think freshman year of college, mandatory sex ed.
Now, I know we get sex ed in seventh grade or whatever, but I'm saying once you get to college and you're over 18, sex ed is teaching you how to fuck, how to do do bdsm and how to do all these things that way we don't get situations like this can i ask though who teaches this is it like is it just some guy show up like you know like is it i think khalifa teach it husband and wife combo maybe like you now we're in the monty python set that's the meaning of life well we that's what the sketch is. Remember the meaning of life? No, I never saw it.
It's John Clay's fucking a weird one. It's actually, it's really strange because he's like, you ever notice those old tiny sketch things, especially British when they get like, it's almost, it's not that it's not sexy at all, but nudity for me like takes the sex out of it.
It takes the comedy out of it. You know what I mean? We're like it's almost, it's not that it's not sexy at all, but nudity for me, like, takes the sex out of it.
Yeah. It takes the comedy out of it.
You know what I mean? Where, like, as soon as there's, like, a naked woman. When the boobs came by.
Well, that's different. That's very funny.
That's different, but that also didn't really register as funny to me as a boy. Oh, it registered funny to me.
See, I was just like, That was like the first... I remember feeling it.

That was like the first pair of boobs I ever saw was in the movie

Repossessed. Have you noticed that boobs

in horror and comedy has been totally

replaced by dicks? Well, because it's

a pendulum swing. Literally.

No pun in law. I know, I know.
It's a pendulum swing.

I feel like, again, we need equal amounts.

Every time there's dicks, there should be

dick. Every time there's a dick, there should be dits.
Amen. I think that strip clubs should have both male and female strippers.
I'm totally fine with it. Let's party.
Because then everybody can take a break. Yeah.
If you're not into this next one, go take a break. Yeah, go hit the salad bar.
Salad bars then need to make a hardcore comeback in a big way, but elevated. Yeah.
Elevated. We need stations.
Boobie Tuesdays. Boobie Tuesdays.
Ooh, that's amazing. Eddie, write it down.
We got the whole box in the microphone. I gotta write nothing down.
Well, someone's gonna take it. But that was really it.
That was all that really is to say, is that technically the dom is in charge and they need to do it. And the reason I said husband and wife team is I actually had, when I went to Catholic school in fourth grade, there was a husband and wife team that came in and gave us sex ed talks.

Did she suck his dick and stuff?

No, but they let us curse, I remember.

That's just so you get some of the horniness out.

I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think they need you to do that.

But I remember enjoying them.

I thought they were great.

Oh, so this is also the difference between.

So this is the difference between manslaughter. This is also pertaining to the same story.
Okay, great. It's figuring out...
Careful. I'm fine.
Now, this is one of those where you have to find out. There's certain words, right? right purposefully intended for the act to occur

knowingly practically certain that the act would occur recklessly was aware or should be aware of the risk that the act would incur negligently was unaware of the risk that the act could incur so first degree murder purposefully kill they have premeditation but technically there's a looser standard here. It can just be straight up.

I got into a verbal altercation.

I... They have premeditation, but technically there's a looser standard here.
It can just be straight up. I got into a verbal altercation.
I went, got my gun, came back, shot you. That can be, that's as base as first degree murder can be.
Okay. Right? Second degree murder.
Knowingly kill, no premeditation. Verbal altercation, have gun on you.
Okay. Kill someone in the middle of verbal altercation, second degree murder.
Then there's also second degree murder, but with reckless, with extreme indifference to human life, like throwing a brick off an overpass onto a car and somebody dies as a result. That is what you'd call reckless indifference.
That's second degree. That's not an accident.
No. Not at all.
You're purposely doing something that you know that's wrong. Manslaughter, which is a reckless act that causes another death.
Shooting a gun into a ceiling and accidentally killing the upstairs neighbor. Okay.
And then there's negligent homicide. That seems the same to me to be honest with you.
Well, this is what we're saying is that like negligent is that like throwing a brick over an overpass and then shooting a gun in the air equally is reckless in my opinion but this is where you'd get into the but it's about how you travel and it's all these things that you would put together in court right second-degree murder i imagine it goes over because they got the cinder blocks to go to the overpass they chose the overpass to go to they set up a time to go to it they knew that they were going to do this to cause chaos you can be in a passionate moment you can reasonably argue that you were an impassioned moment and you fired a gun in your own home that then accidentally killed somebody which then could become manslaughter so you know i mean it's all about all the circumstances that lead to everything Or if you're watching like a show in an old-timey saloon and the chick showing her garter and you're like, bang, bang, bang, bang, but they're selling it on the roof. Absolutely, naturally.
You're in trouble. Yes.
That's why I don't watch saloon films anymore. That's why Annie Get Her Gun is not allowed in our home.
Yeah. And I tell Julie, stay off the roof.
Please. I'm playing with my gun right now.
Yeah, this is my time. And so, in the case of the OnlyFans model, she could be easily charged with either manslaughter as a reasonable person would know that wrapping another head in saran wrap could lead to death, but disregarded the risk.
However, there is a case that wrapping another's head in saran wrap could be extreme indifference for human life. However, the bar for extreme indifference is both quite high and both the intent and acting to be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.
The fact that the guy is asking for the action to be done also affects her reaction. It's very much an accident.
It's very much an accident because of her ignorance. I wasn't going to say stupidity, but it's ignorance.
No, it's, I would, you know what, Eddie? A lethal combo? I'd say a combo of the both because in the end, just because he's horny doesn't mean he's immortal. So just remember that.
Live every day knowing that. That's one of the most important lessons I've ever learned.
I live, I know every day no matter how horny I am, I can't do something and it almost kills me that will make me shoot. Because you know why?

I laugh thinking about people that need to be choked while masturbating.

Because me, honestly, I masturbate normally in about 30 minutes and 30 seconds.

I was going to say, 30 minutes.

And I'm done.

It is in and out of me.

We're too busy for that, buddy.

It doesn't even matter.

Just get me out of there.

And then I laugh myself to sleep.

Yeah.

Knowing that I didn't have to dance on the razor's edge of death in order to have a nice time. A little chuckle slumber.
It's me. Oh, man.
Well, we're hitting the road. We are.
That's right. Last podcast on the Left Proper is coming to Detroit on April 18th.
We're going to be at the Masonic. Please come check that out.
That's going to be a blast. I'm not fucking around.
If you're in Detroit, you all know. It's one of the best venues in this fucking country.
Come out. See us do the show.
It's going to be a special goth night. There's going to be a lot of good-looking people there.
And you know what? It's a good Friday. Gross.
Isn't that great? More like gross Friday. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it's because all the Italians that killed Jesus, they named it from the next year. They were all talking to each other.
They're like, hey, remember that time when we killed that fucking loudmouth? That was a good-ass Friday. That was the funnest day of my life.
I love watching him scream and wriggle. Yeah, I'd do it again if I could.
Hand him like a painting we did. Invasive Species Tour with Side Stories is coming back to Florida.
I just had a very successful run. It was wonderful.
North Florida ain't ever going to be the same. But I'm coming to on May 6th, I'm going to be in Naples at the Off the Hook Comedy Club.
And then May 7th and 8th, I'm going to be with Henry doing side story shows. On the 7th, we're going to be in Fort Lauderdale at the Dania Improv.
And then on May 8th, we're going to be in Orlando at the Funny Bone. The first show sold out.
You got to get tickets to the Late Show now only. We're going to have fun.
And then right after that, the next day,'m flying all the way to Key West and from May 9th

through the 11th, I'm going to be at Key West

Comedy with Lisa Correo and

Kevin Skeeney. And that's going to be a lot

of fun. Lisa Correo's

wonderful. She's unbelievable.
She's a great comedian.

Yeah, it's going to be a blast. So come check out

those shows. We've got some surprises

for that. But also, Henry and I

are going to be doing a Side Stories Live

at Dad's Garage in Atlanta.

That's going to be on June 29th.

The 7 o'clock show sold out, but also, Henry and I are going to be doing a Side Stories Live at Dad's Garage in Atlanta. That's going to be on June 29th.
The 7 o'clock show sold out, but the 9.30 show still has tickets, so make sure you go and get your ass there. We're going to have so much fun, and we're going to be fucking around the entire time.
Come to Contacting Desert 2025, May 29th, June 2nd. We are going to be there all weekend.
We're going to be doing a big show. We haven't figured out quite what we're doing there, but we're going to be doing something big there.
We're going to be doing a couple shows. Yeah, so just come.
Come for the weekend. You're going to watch, hang out, learn.
It's a fun weekend. It's crazy.
It's the only time I'm willing to learn like I'm in school again. It's very funny.
But also, you know what I'm going to say to our people that come out?

We got to hit that pool, yo.

Yes. When we come out there, we got

to turn this shit into a

fucking party. Yeah, you big boys.

I'm talking to you. I want to see them titties.

We need to get out there, yo. We got to

go fucking to these pools. We got to show these nerds

how it's done. We're the right nerds

for this festival.

We need to take it back. And you know where else I want to see these man boobs at? Where? Crime Wave at Sea.
Oh, we will. That's for certain.
That's going to be November 3rd through the 7th sailing out of Fort Lauderdale on Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. That's the Crime Wave.
Go check that. Yeah, it's CrimeWaveAtSea.com.
Buy the tickets. That's another one that's going to be, again, it's going to be fucking hilarious.
It's going to be crazy. I have no idea what we're going to do.
And I guarantee we're going to have at least two true crime stories come out of this. Yes.
Weekend. Yeah, it's going to be, we're going to be on the boat.
And we're there. Did you see that story about what's his name? There was like the band leader, the little lady that jumped off the cruise ship.
No.. His wife.
I forgot what it was in. Save it for the show.

She's in like Rat or something.

I forgot what it was.

Rat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was doing this tour.

He was literally doing what we were going to do on a cruise ship.

He's doing a show.

And then his wife that he brought jumped off the stern the first night.

And then I guess he just kept playing.

I mean, the show must go on.

Yep.

Kimberly Birch.

Faster Pussycat. That was right.
Oh,ch. Faster Pussycat.
That was right.

Oh, wow. Faster Pussycat.
Okay.

You ever see this band? No, I never even heard of them

before. Well, one guy's wife's dead.

Oh, Offa World Caribbean Cruise. I bet it's

the same boat. Wow.

Great. Oh.
No,

no. Hey, no.
She's refreshing.

Yeah. Guys, thank you.

I'm surprised she didn't float. Well, she might have for a while.
Now, guys, thank you for enjoying Side Stories, because you better have. Hail Satan.
Hail Rambo. Yes, hail Rambo.
You skateboarding fucker. Go to a park.
Go to a park, you delinquent! Gather round, friends, for a daring tale of adventure on the high seas. Our heroes? A crew of fearless Tillamook dairy farmers.
Seriously. Long ago, our founding farmers built a ship when it was the only way to deliver their dairy to the world.

Because when you love full-flavored cheese, creamy ice cream, and rich cream cheese like we do,

you'll sail to some extraordinary lengths for it.