Episode 613: Creepypasta XXI - The Severance

Speaker 1 The thought of getting a degree can be straight up terrifying, we get it. But Southern New Hampshire University makes it easier than you'd think.
They have over 200 degrees you can earn online.

Speaker 1 No set class times, so your social life stays alive and well. And low online tuition that won't scare your bank account.
College doesn't have to be a horror story.

Speaker 1 Visit SNHU.edu slash last podcast to get started. That's SNHU.edu slash last podcast.

Speaker 1 PNC Private Bank doesn't take unnecessary risks managing your wealth because we know that maintaining its integrity is important to you.

Speaker 1 But as humans, we crave a little adrenaline, so our advisors have some ideas. Sometimes I book a hotel without reading the reviews.
Occasionally, when no one is looking, I double dip.

Speaker 1 Once while driving, I came to a full stop for two seconds instead of three. However, you get your kicks, just know your wealth will remain steady and secure with us.

Speaker 1 PNC Private Bank, brilliantly boring since 1865. PNC Bank National Association member FDIC.

Speaker 1 There's no place to escape to. This is the last time.

Speaker 1 On the left.

Speaker 1 That's when the cannibalism started.

Speaker 1 Don't be shy. You know you're done to try.
You want to kiss a man. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 Is that

Speaker 1 slow down a little bit?

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but you're dying to try. You want to kiss the man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like it's a good way to kind of flip this whole thing. What whole thing? Like, everybody, like, being kind of upset with that song.
What song? What could say?

Speaker 1 I have no clue what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 It's your little mermaid. Little mermaid.
Yeah. Yeah.
For some reason, the idea of like that, it's a bunch of fish fish begging you to kiss that weird, older, silent man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I think that that's very refreshing. Yeah, that the fish are encouraging that sort of thing.
Well, it's not a silent woman.

Speaker 1 And I think that kiss the girl is so much worse because you're, you know, it's all these people like, kiss that little girl, kiss that little girl, kiss that little girl. Kiss the mute.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But there's something about like people being like,

Speaker 1 kiss that weird man. Kiss the man.
Kiss the man.

Speaker 1 That's also bad. Why? I don't know.
It seems awful. You making people kiss each other.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's because I was desperate to find some Gene Hackman erotic fan fiction, and it is sorely lacking. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen.
My name's Marcus Parks.

Speaker 1 I'm here with The Searcher, the man on the eternal mission for Gene Hackman erotic fiction, Henry Zabrowski. You can't handle my balls.
That's Jack Nicholson, unfortunately, from a few good men.

Speaker 1 That's kind of like, but it's the same genre. I'm trying to figure out what the Crimson Tide, not Crimson Tide, right? Is it Crimson Tide?

Speaker 1 Crimson tide because hunt from red october was sean connery that's he says it's okay to schwap a woman yeah and what was and the 257 one is uh harrison ford yeah the bad one yeah yes yeah yeah yeah yeah and of course we have the eternal movie critic ed larson hello

Speaker 1 two thumbs down you idiots

Speaker 1 Yay, Eddie right now is doing his first ever remote recording as a member of last podcast on the left. Tell me, Eddie, how's that Ramada treating you?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's going so well that I'm using the hotspot on my phone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're coming in nicely, though. Yeah, it's nice, though, with the bed bugs.
You know, I'm not sleeping alone tonight. So it's good.
There's actually a couple of red scenes.

Speaker 1 I did read a couple of rewrites of the scene between Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman in Unforgiven,

Speaker 1 where he really gets pretty involved, but it's so hard to do that. It's hard to do both because Gene Hackman's such a good actor.

Speaker 1 And I think that's the problem, is it's hard to kind of capture his gravitas in a lemon slash fix.

Speaker 1 Like, it's hard to get that into like hearing him sucking Morgan Freeman, like sucking his dick dry, or like it's the delivery with Gene Hackman. Yeah, I can't do it.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine him being like, Morgan, open up.

Speaker 1 That's as far as I could. That's Gene Hackman foreplay.
Okay, yeah, Morgan, open up, flip open.

Speaker 1 Do you think that he could yell while sucking dick? Because he's one of the great yellers of all time.

Speaker 1 Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Can show some spine, man.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my man, he really did end his life like old yeller, except you know, the bullet was shot by his pacemaker.
Come on, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 He's on the road, ladies and gentlemen. He's on the invasive species story.
He's doing stand-up at night, and he's fucking full of beans. He needs to get it out.

Speaker 1 Oh, Marcus, I got you your jumbo shrimp shirt. Hey, two, three, four.

Speaker 1 We are jumbo shrimp here to play a game.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 very good. Still remembered after all these years.
Yeah. It's not hard.
It's not a compliment.

Speaker 1 It was written by an idiot after that.

Speaker 1 I'll always remember that. That big old idiot who's now a father somehow is upstairs, and we continue to pay him.

Speaker 1 I want to say welcome to Creepypasta number 21. Jesus fucking Christ.
We are old enough to drink. Yeah.
Which means we're old enough to die internationally.

Speaker 1 And I hope that that's what this is really what it's about because Creepypasta 21 is all about you're going to get drafted. And it doesn't matter what age you are.

Speaker 1 That's creepy just thinking about it, right? You know what I mean? Because the 40-year-olds are going to come for us. They're going to put us in the metal musil brigade.

Speaker 1 I think partly what we're going to be doing is delivering adult diapers to people all through Eastern Europe. what used to be the Ukraine.

Speaker 1 And now I think that it's important that we party while we can. Sure.
Okay, because that's what's hard.

Speaker 1 And creepyposs is all about getting spooky and feeling ooky with it. So I think the main thing is, is that obviously, if you're in your office right now, the scariest thing you can do is work.

Speaker 1 So I would say is to just quit that. First of all, quit that.
Quit your fucking job, man. Quit your fucking job.
Fuck your boss. Fuck this shit.
Close the laptop.

Speaker 1 They have, they're watching you do your keyboard. How creepy is that? Your boss is watching your keyboard from his fucking cubicle and he's jerking off thinking about your productivity levels.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. How frightening is

Speaker 1 pieces of shit that suck and shouldn't exist? Yeah, fuck your boss. Fuck all bosses.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. All right.
Well, no, let's not say fuck all bosses.

Speaker 1 Let's not say all bosses are pieces of shit necessarily.

Speaker 1 You come for me, you missed, I missed. Some bosses worry, Ed.
Some bosses worry constantly. Like RF Kitchen.

Speaker 1 He just worries. He's like, ah, what about what about the others?

Speaker 1 Udders are getting trampled.

Speaker 1 Now, he's concerned about the others, not about us. But, guys, I think now you want to go to your weed.

Speaker 1 You've quit your job. You're on your way home.
Your wife or husband's like, what are you doing here? I'm here with our four kids.

Speaker 1 And you go, shut the living fuck up and let me do what I need to do today.

Speaker 1 And you're going to go into your office and you're going to pack a bowl. You're going to pack that pong.

Speaker 1 And you don't care what everybody says.

Speaker 1 And everyone's crying, oh, you're just trying to detach detach from all your responsibilities but guess what man as soon as you put that rim to your fucking hole it doesn't matter anymore because you have just become irresponsible right they can't hold you to shit forms be nothing it's just ink what's ink it's from squids What's that?

Speaker 1 Doesn't fucking matter, dog. That's how we shut them down.
All right. Oh, auto sign doesn't count.
No, we now know auto sign doesn't count. All right.
So fucking, you just cheeb that shit.

Speaker 1 And honestly, switch switch the Indica in the afternoons for yourself. So you get yourself good and high.
You're without a job.

Speaker 1 You're without a future, but you're ready to get really spooky for our episodes. That's right.
Creepypasta 21, ladies and gentlemen, welcome officially. I'm going to start off today's episode.

Speaker 1 I was going to start off with a poem just because I love the title so much. Where trod the black camel?

Speaker 1 That's like one of those libertarian journals.

Speaker 1 It does sound like something you'd buy at like

Speaker 1 a rifle show in like 1994. Yeah.
Yeah. But the poem was terrible.

Speaker 1 So I'm not going to subject everyone to where trod the black camel, but I will begin with a story.

Speaker 1 A man goes into the desert. There's a djinn

Speaker 1 riding a black camel, I believe.

Speaker 1 And the black camel is trotting upon the desert and steals the man's soul, I think, at the end of it. Yeah.
So it's like that America song. Yeah, it's a horse with no name.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's a black camel. I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 It seems similar in theme. Also, you're just, you're not doing anything.
Name the horse. You know, like what? You're just trotting through the desert.

Speaker 1 You got nothing to do. Fucking.

Speaker 1 You have to fill an hour tonight. You need to save this stuff.

Speaker 1 You're right. I'll go back to sleep.

Speaker 1 You know this song? You ever heard this song, Horse with No Name? You ever heard this song? You spent it all this time while you're out in the desert.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're not coming up with a name here.

Speaker 1 Steve. Hey, I did it.

Speaker 1 Steve, nay.

Speaker 1 Eddie, write it down.

Speaker 1 Eddie, you got to flank up the hour.

Speaker 1 Instead, I'm going to start with a story

Speaker 1 submitted by a man named Daniel Hale to the creepypasta site Boglech, still a wonderful site. This is called the Splatterpunk Gospel.
Do you think he's related to Nathaniel Hale?

Speaker 1 The American spy. The American spy, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I'll respect it now. Spies should not have names.

Speaker 1 It's bad for them. But they start with names.
Yeah, you got to have a name. You got to be called some.
And then erase them. Yeah, because they're still a W-2.
007. The English do it right.

Speaker 1 I can come with a good spy name. You got to have a boring spy name.
You have a great alias. Oh, I have my alias.
I can't release it. No, of course you don't, but I just say it's wonderful.
Yes. Yeah,

Speaker 1 mine's too fancy. Wynton Arthur Danforth III.
They're looking for

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalco.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't you even believe I went to get the coffee? Everything's got whipped cream on it.

Speaker 1 So that's the way to Sebastian Maniscalco.

Speaker 1 This

Speaker 1 is an excerpt from the clotted book, being the scriptures and commandments for the church of letting blood. Cool.

Speaker 1 The vain is the beginning.

Speaker 1 The vain is the end.

Speaker 1 The vain is all.

Speaker 1 This is our world.

Speaker 1 This is our world of impure blood, scoured over from centuries flowing filth and disease, creating the prison systolic, diastolic, making anatomy of sin. But there is only the vein.

Speaker 1 Both ends join in incestuous ouroboros.

Speaker 1 The vein suckles itself, mindless machinery, oblivious to its gullet-reared children. Is this written by a disgruntled nurse?

Speaker 1 This is like this person who handles my father's IVs.

Speaker 1 Make no mistake that we are filth-born. We have poisoned the stream from our first bubbling breath, choking it with our soiled selves.
Would that we were fewer?

Speaker 1 That we had known what damage we were doing from the start, that we had known that this sickened meat creature was getting sicker still as our numbers grew. Would that we knew?

Speaker 1 Would that we cared?

Speaker 1 And beyond?

Speaker 1 Oblivion? Or redemption? Absence or occupation?

Speaker 1 Which truly would be better? What is the threat of hell? Without heaven.

Speaker 1 Better that there be after at all, even if it is torment.

Speaker 1 It implies respite, however it may come.

Speaker 1 But none for us! But is this about blood? The vein has soiled us.

Speaker 1 It has raised us from the odorous chime and will return us there. For none remember the path.
None remember death. We practice death or believe we practice it.

Speaker 1 Our vessels shudder and disgorge their contents. Our ventricles spasm and tingle the works.
We think we would be lucky to die in sleep without pain.

Speaker 1 Our loved ones pray for this because it would be most convenient.

Speaker 1 They hold their vigil by our bedside, clutch our shaking hands, then when the moment is gone, reassure themselves of the better place that they were so kind to lead us to.

Speaker 1 And in the casket, or the flame, the dirt, or the ash.

Speaker 1 Thus, dying quietly, we are complicit in the deception. Death must come obscene and uncaring.
It must shake foundations, ruin delusions.

Speaker 1 It must remind that life cannot be extended, that no favors are owed to grieving lovers, that bloodlines face extinction. Death will be dealt, and it must be dealt harshly.

Speaker 1 First in so dealing, the vein is dealt a slice in its cancerous carapace.

Speaker 1 Septic blood is spilled into the unknown void, hastily disgorging the infidel, the blasphemous soul who wore his wounds with pride, shook his exposed crimson bones and torn scraps of sinews to the outraged carrion flock.

Speaker 1 Then, serum speckled and silent. They cannot deny there is meaningful death.
Then they will know that the severance is is at work beyond these cloying walls.

Speaker 1 Its Nephilim speak volumes in the quiet behind their masks. They were totems of our degradation, not to mock us for our fantasy,

Speaker 1 but to defy the patronage of our heaping host. They claim nothing, not the favor of higher power, nor the enlightenment of heretics.

Speaker 1 The processes of anatomy are awake in the world even when the body is greatly reduced. The severance is inevitable.

Speaker 1 And I do not care if you trod upon my dead body to do so, but I shall keep Brie Larson from entering the Marvel Cinematic Universe, no matter what

Speaker 1 you try to do. Casting devils!

Speaker 1 Our work

Speaker 1 is letting blood. We serve the silver knives and the black galots, the blades and claws and eyes of the severers.

Speaker 1 The unbelievers follow the flow of their filth, and thus we must damn the flow, push its path to them. Judasine,

Speaker 1 your task is this.

Speaker 1 Go to the vessels. Speak as they do.
Deal as they do. Follow their paths until you surge to the front of the flock.
Lead them to the blades, that you may know the severance as they will.

Speaker 1 Aeronite, your task is this.

Speaker 1 Caution the vessels. They will be young, with spite in their longing hearts.
Tell them something something of what lies ahead, couch it in the fears their betters have known.

Speaker 1 Yours is a necessary task, and the severance may choose to grant you reprieve from your suffering of age. Ensure that the tide flows true from now to the crumbling.

Speaker 1 The greater the pain of the vessels, the wider the stain their blood shall reach on those who remain in the foundering vein.

Speaker 1 Let the blood spill the filth, sever

Speaker 1 the flesh.

Speaker 1 Very intense.

Speaker 1 Isn't that the other chapter of the libertarian poet?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that camel poem must have really fucking sucked.

Speaker 1 I like it because I like a performance aspect. Yeah.
But he's mostly just yelling about Vane. And blood.
And blood. And severance.
And severance. Yeah.
And Ouroboro.

Speaker 1 And this is not an Apple TV tie-in. It is not.
To the show severance.

Speaker 1 which I think is a different severance than this, but I refuse to watch it because I don't watch shows while they're on television.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could see that performed whenever we see Moody Blues in Hell.

Speaker 1 It would be good. Honestly, that needs some good chugging metal underneath it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to get that fucking thick ass fucking sludge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some sludge.

Speaker 1 No, that definitely calls for some stoner metal, without a doubt. I went the opposite way.
Okay. So I got just creepy stuff.
And I think that this is...

Speaker 1 It's interesting because I went through some of our old listener pastas and I went through some other forums I went through because I

Speaker 1 always struggle

Speaker 1 with trying to find something that maybe is genuinely creepy. Yep.
20 times you've tried and 20 times you've failed.

Speaker 1 And so what I'm going to do now is you are not genuinely creepy.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, but you're a clown. I am.

Speaker 1 I am, Agliachi.

Speaker 1 You could be killing someone and still make them laugh. That's what I hope.
That better be my review on my murder yelp.

Speaker 1 As a small business owner, you know that change is the name of the game. Operational costs, labor markets, tariffs.
Wouldn't it be nice if something stayed the same?

Speaker 1 How about your business internet rate? Get reliable, secure 5G business internet from T-Mobile for Business for $50 a month with a five-year price guarantee when paired with a voice line.

Speaker 1 That's the stability you need from a partner you can depend on. Switch now at t-mobile.com slash BI.

Speaker 1 Plus taxes and fees, guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees, applies to the exclusions and details at tmobile.com. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

Speaker 1 Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Every dream needs a domain, which is why I finally solidified the borders of my own.

Speaker 1 AnimalsURLREGISTER.com. You will bend to my will.

Speaker 1 Thanks to the power of Squarespace, I have been quantifyingly organizing every single available animal-based creative business URL that is around, and I'm coining them for myself.

Speaker 1 Wonderful things such as buffaloesauceauce.com, such as kangaroopats.com,

Speaker 1 such as

Speaker 1 many different chickenshoes.com. And it's all held behind the giant, iron-powerful Squarespace fueled gates of animalsurlregister.com.

Speaker 1 And any one of you that dares defy me or the unilateral power of Squarespace with their blueprint AI, Squarespace AI-enhanced design partner, which sounds like the hand in hand, we will march across the graves of URLs that people have been trying trying to steal from under me using the cannons of animalsurlregister.com.

Speaker 1 Me, AI, my old buddy Jeff Bezos, we're coming for you, all right? Squarespace is gonna help me. Squarespace is my bullets.
Squarespace is my canvas. Squarespace is my god.

Speaker 1 We like Squarespace here. Head to squarespace.com slash left for a free trial.
When you're ready to launch, use offer code LEFT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Speaker 1 This is an ad by BetterHelp. You know,

Speaker 1 I really lost contact with my ascended masters recently. It's been so hard to psychically reach them because so much aluminum has built up in my pituitary gland.

Speaker 1 I guess it's because I've been using all this fancy dancy natural deodorant that apparently has extra aluminum in it. But honestly, I just wish I could reach out sometimes.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just nice to make somebody's day. My ascended masters always tell me I'm right and that I'm not too fat for life.

Speaker 1 But some people don't have ascended masters to talk to. Some people wish they could reach out to somebody.
And this season, BetterHelp encourages you to reach out.

Speaker 1 Check in on friends, just like it takes a little courage to send that text or grab coffee with someone or ask one of your ascended masters what's the proper way to destroy communism, Reaching out for therapy can also feel difficult, but it can be worth it.

Speaker 1 So I say you get out there, and just like I want to, give a call using the powers of Votan.

Speaker 1 For those of you that don't have Votan,

Speaker 1 enjoy BetterHelp. This month, don't wait to reach out.
Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step.

Speaker 1 Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash last pod. That's better.com/slash last pod.

Speaker 1 So let's go and look at this. Is a story from one of our listeners.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, the actor Ryan Reynolds. Oh, how nice.
I didn't know he was into this stuff.

Speaker 1 It's from a man named Ryan Reynolds.

Speaker 1 It's from Peppermint Mobile.

Speaker 1 It's the other Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds is quite a common name.
Whoa, yeah, I guess it is for you whites.

Speaker 1 Unlike me. What, the pinks? Oh, yeah.
Very.

Speaker 1 I'm European. The hotel.

Speaker 1 Listen. Listen, okay?

Speaker 1 I think I'd know if I was white or not.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Bleed mustard.

Speaker 1 That's yellow.

Speaker 1 This story is 100%

Speaker 1 true.

Speaker 1 A little background information. Growing up, we never really had a close relationship with our grandparents on my mother's side.

Speaker 1 My grandfather was an alcoholic World War II veteran, my grandmother a housewife who married my grandfather out of wedlock sometime in the 1940s, hopefully after the war.

Speaker 1 From what I was told, they never loved each other and they just stayed together out of convenience and the old adage, misery loves company.

Speaker 1 In the early 1990s, I would have been a toddler, and my two brothers a few years older than me.

Speaker 1 This time period is when we were at my grandparents' home the most. I believe this was an attempt for my parents to try and garner a somewhat normal relationship with our grandparents.

Speaker 1 It always works like that. Yeah.
Always toss them in extra with toxic people, more time the better. It always works out.
It never backfires and they never manipulate your children from the inside out.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. Throw children into as many bad relationships as possible.
Like if you can show them a really bad example of two people together. And let them sort it out.
Provide no commentary.

Speaker 1 Because I'll always remember my grandmother just pinching my sister underneath the table every time she tried to eat.

Speaker 1 And I always remember my grandmother grabbing me by my side meat and going, you eat chocolate and it's going to give you a heart attack.

Speaker 1 I saw one of my great aunt for the first time. Like I saw her when I was a child and I saw her.
And how great was she? Horrible.

Speaker 1 she was I remember I saw her I hadn't seen her in 20 years I show up and the first you got fat right out the gate as soon as I walked in the door I was like I've always been fat

Speaker 1 yes well you still fat yeah you were so fat when you were born they wrote a newspaper article about it a whole bunch of them I still view him as just big yeah

Speaker 1 Now, my grandparents' home was a ranch-style-built house in a neighborhood constructed around the late 1950s. Ranch, the dressing or the structure? I think it's it's the dressing.

Speaker 1 Because we actually grew up in a thousand island style home.

Speaker 1 My grandfather took care of the property and my grandmother had an immaculate home.

Speaker 1 This is the type of home where plastic was on the furniture and the carpet was a seafoam green with mirrored squares glued to the living room wall. Exactly.

Speaker 1 I know this home. Yes.
My grandparents had a living room we could not enter.

Speaker 1 I didn't remember much of the time spent at this home too much as they were just fleeting memories of my childhood that me nor my brothers put much value into later life. Later life.

Speaker 1 But one thing we all remember was stairs. There was a set of stairs that ran down into a dark basement.
A set of stairs? I thought they meant like the grandparents staring at them for hours on end.

Speaker 1 That's just old Grandpa Peepers.

Speaker 1 I love my Grandpa Peepers always making sure I'm clean. Get your feet.
Now get your back of your legs. Get the back of your legs.
Yeah, good, good, good. Now you're wet.
Now's the wet.

Speaker 1 I'll get your front. Get your front.
Get your front folds. Big tents.
That's just my first set of stairs. Yeah.
Second set. Second set of stairs.

Speaker 1 Let me get my get my jeweler's glass. Second set of stairs is illegal.

Speaker 1 That's when I'm looking inside your porthole.

Speaker 1 That's molestation, everybody.

Speaker 1 It seems worse than that. It is.
It actually,

Speaker 1 you know what? It's so much worse just to have you bend me over and look me in my butthole and not fuck me.

Speaker 1 There was a set of stairs that ran down to the dark basement where my grandfather's workshop was.

Speaker 1 This descended about 12 stairs down and sat between the kitchen and the garage. At the top, a landing no bigger than three feet by three feet sat nestled at the top of the staircase.

Speaker 1 You know, for somebody who didn't really think about it much, he sure doesn't know a lot of details about dimensions. He's upset about the stairs.

Speaker 1 As children, me and my brothers would get really, really dark vibes and feelings when standing at this spot on the stairs.

Speaker 1 This even became like a child's horror game to stand on the landing for as long as you could as some type of play on the Bloody Mary game.

Speaker 1 I remember around the time I was three, I began having night terrors about the stairs. I do not remember the exact details.

Speaker 1 It was more in a sense of a fever dream that just rifled me with terror at night. These images would involve the stairs and the dim red light.

Speaker 1 This was something I couldn't explain or articulate to anyone as I was so young, which I understand. I had reoccurring creepy dreams that I could not explain when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Like I had a dream always that I was in a crib in a castle on fire. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I always had a dream that, you know, Greedo from Star Wars? Yeah. Yeah, a bunch of them,

Speaker 1 but they were glowing blue and they all had different symbols on their chest with different ways to tickle me.

Speaker 1 And then they would all surround me and tickle me until I exploded. And

Speaker 1 I would wake up. Do you think this is a play on some kind of inner anti-Semitic thought or something?

Speaker 1 Because Greedo

Speaker 1 was the evil, obviously he was the Jewish stereotype in a way. No, he wasn't.
You're thinking of Watto. I'm sorry.
Yes. Watto was the obvious Jewish stereotype in episode one.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about Greedo, the green man that Han Solo shot in the Moss Isley Cantina. I feel better.

Speaker 1 You feel good now. Okay, good.
Man, my regular dream was, you'll be ready for this.

Speaker 1 I'm in Africa on the beach, and then an orca beaches itself and I'm trying to push it back into the water. And I'm there with another guy who's like a soldier or something.

Speaker 1 And then the orca rips his arm off and then like, and then starts like thrashing around and the dude dies bleeding, screaming on the beach. Is this real? Yeah, this is real.

Speaker 1 I've had this dream more than once. Yeah.
Really? And then, yeah, and then I. You didn't say this through your entire SeaWorld series.
Well, it had nothing to do with it. It was, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm saying it now. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 So anyway, there's a button. So then I look at it.
I don't know what to do. So I take the guy's gun and I can't get the orca back in the water.
So I just shoot the orca in the head, you know?

Speaker 1 And then I look down the beach and the beach is just like 20 more orcas. And so I just got to walk down the beach and shoot each orca in the head.
You know, it's sad, but, you know, things happen.

Speaker 1 You did an entire episode about whales. And he never said this.
And you have to systematically shoot a bunch of whales in your dreams. Mark.

Speaker 1 Jesus fucking Christ. Of course you're obsessed with it.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you know, but they die in my dreams, but most of them live in real life. Unless they're captured.

Speaker 1 We don't need to do that episode again.

Speaker 1 Why don't we just let the boy go? This reminds me of the murder for his sketch. Why didn't we let the boy live?

Speaker 1 As I grew up, we grew away in a relationship with my grandparents as they didn't seem interested in fostering a relationship with us, as grandchildren specifically.

Speaker 1 Without going into too much detail, it was shed to light that they were extremely cruel and toxic people.

Speaker 1 When I was in my early 20s, I was having a talk with my dad, like one of those talks when you sit down with a cigar and talk about the crazy stuff you did when you were young, about the repercussions since you are an adult now.

Speaker 1 The discussion of my grandparents came up as they recently had sold their home and all of their possessions and were placed in retirement and hospice living. Good for them.

Speaker 1 After a few back and forth jabs about the plastic covers on the furniture and the porcelain cat statues, the stairs came up. I said, hey, remember those stairs of that house?

Speaker 1 Those were severely creepy, especially for the ambiance of that house. My father became seemingly uncomfortable.
He went quiet for a while and proceeded to tell me a personally haunting story for him.

Speaker 1 My father stated in the 1980s he was a motorcycle mechanic working at a shop that was privately owned. The owner we will call Jack Jack became one of his best friends and they regularly hung out.

Speaker 1 Thick stuff drank beer. Cool guy stuff.
Did you say thick stuff drank beer? Thick stuff. Thick stuff.
Thick stuff like guys do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're always fixing stuff and they're all fixing each other and they're all wet. What do you think thick stuff would be?

Speaker 1 Like if someone said, like, hey, come on over, we're gonna do some thick stuff. Yeah, thick stuff.
I know what that means. What does it mean? It means jamming things inside of me.

Speaker 1 In my mouth, in my butt hole.

Speaker 1 Except if it's Eddie, or if I'm talking to Eddie, then it means barbecue. Yes.
And if Limp Biscuit were Carpenter's, they could change their song to fix stuff.

Speaker 1 I mean, that would also, that would hurt the whole brand.

Speaker 1 They can't be fixing things.

Speaker 1 Now, he said that his buddy Jack had a wife and three young children. My father stated that one day Jack had gone home after work and opened the garage door to go inside.

Speaker 1 And he said that Jack's wife's car was in the garage running. Jack's wife was in the car dead.

Speaker 1 Jack went to the door that leads inside from the garage to call 911 from the kitchen, but the door was blocked.

Speaker 1 Jack went through the front door to find his three children dead on the landing above the stairs.

Speaker 1 His wife had committed suicide by running the car in a closed garage and locked the car going into the garage from the kitchen.

Speaker 1 The children waited on the landing for their mother to come back inside and died as well from the carbon monoxide. This broke Jack, as obviously his whole family was dead in a tragic manner.

Speaker 1 The house went up for sale as soon as he couldn't bear to live there anymore. And a few months later, later, my grandparents bought that exact house.

Speaker 1 Let me specify this wasn't because they were financially broke and it was their only option or anything like that. I turned flush after hearing this.
One, that my grandparents were so terrible.

Speaker 1 They bought a house their son-in-law's best friend family had died in, but also the torture my dad had to endure every time we visited them.

Speaker 1 I've had a few paranormal experiences, but when someone asks me if I believe in the paranormal or afterlife energy type stuff, I tell them this story.

Speaker 1 I was a kid, I didn't know any of the backstory, yet the same exact spot where his kids died, me and my brothers, three children, just as Jack's family, could feel the despair and horror.

Speaker 1 I've driven by the house once in a while over the past decade to see a new family living there and wonder if they feel the presence of the dead kids on stairs. Knock! Ask.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Also, I'm looking to investigate, dude.
But you know the kids died there. Of course you have those feelings.
Well, no, she's saying, they said that they did not know. They didn't know as kids.

Speaker 1 Well, when they were kids, they didn't know. He didn't know until he was older.
That was creepy. But this is like, what a great opportunity.

Speaker 1 Nothing would be better being like, do you know who died in this house? Regis build it. You know, like, you can make up a bunch of shit.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's the only, you get to say, who goes there and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 You would not go to knock on, like, when your Aunt Patty, God rest her soul if she ever passes. She's alive.
She's alive. When, if, if she ever passes, I don't think she'll die.

Speaker 1 Is that if we go to sell that house, which is extremely haunted, it's the same, then you can hang out outside of that house and tell people that it's extremely haunted.

Speaker 1 No, she left the haunted house like 20 years ago. We can go to that house and tell them it's haunted whenever we want.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that one's in Linden.

Speaker 1 If you're going to do that, I think the polite thing to do is instead of telling them the whole story, write up a little one-sheet of what happened, slip it under the door, slip it under the door, and say, I shall return on the morrow

Speaker 1 to discuss. Man, we're leaving.
We got to do this. Yeah.
Well, yeah. That's a good thing to do to just anybody.
I'd probably do it at the Ramada tonight.

Speaker 1 Eddie, can you please do it? Can you please go and be like, is there wailing coming from your room? Like, write it in Sharpie. Like, I hear a ghostly moaning coming from your room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if it's not you, duck.

Speaker 1 All right. I got a story.
Marcus sent me this one. It's very sweet.

Speaker 1 This one that I saw this one and it reminded me of Murder Fist. All right.

Speaker 1 Had things gone a different direction. All right.

Speaker 1 Toward success?

Speaker 1 Getting a television show? Being truckable.

Speaker 1 All right. It's called Audience.

Speaker 1 Audience. It's called Audience.

Speaker 1 By

Speaker 1 Ron. And we live for the applause.
Oh, that's a great song. Ron

Speaker 1 MacGillivray. Thank you, Mac.
Ron MacVote Gillivray for sending this. All right.

Speaker 1 I had recently moved to New York and I was taking the subway back home.

Speaker 1 It was just me, this homeless man next to me, and a bunch of other people around my area.

Speaker 1 Everything was pretty peaceful, so I decided to distract myself by taking out my phone and opening Twitter.

Speaker 1 As I was scrolling down the page, the homeless guy next to me moved forward, leaned in, and said,

Speaker 1 My name's Terry. I was at the show once.

Speaker 1 I ignored him, started checking my news feed. I've had so many of these fucking interactions.

Speaker 1 I've had so many of these.

Speaker 1 I do comedy too. You want to hear something? Okay, the gremlin is my brain.
Say, don't kill you right now. It looks to me like you got a bag of deer nose with you.

Speaker 1 What you planning on doing with that? You want to see mine?

Speaker 1 They're all covered as shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know why? I'll show you.

Speaker 1 It's right here. The bag is

Speaker 1 my asshole. Sorry, that was my punchline.

Speaker 1 That was my big tag phrase.

Speaker 1 He started again.

Speaker 1 No, really?

Speaker 1 I was.

Speaker 1 It was avant-garde. We would walk around town and act out these little plays in public.
Some people ignored it, but there were always others who paid attention and loved it. You hamper, man.

Speaker 1 How is it, right?

Speaker 1 Whammer. Craig Robinson did a show at the store last night, apparently, for nine people.

Speaker 1 All right, it happens. We gave 110%.
It didn't matter who was in the audience. That's right.
Even if there was nobody, some of our best shows were in front of nobody. Really?

Speaker 1 Honestly, no one ever saw our best work.

Speaker 1 That's called rehearsal. No.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It was public rehearsal.
Oh, no. It was in a theater

Speaker 1 with an empty house. I've been in.
You were there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was there. And I've been in a dozen bands over the years.

Speaker 1 And when you play to nobody, it's a public rehearsal. But it's kind of almost better than a show.

Speaker 1 I surprisingly wasn't sad about it. Anyway, I was sad.
I didn't answer. I tried to use my silence to tell him to leave me alone, but he kept talking.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was pretty great. We'd act like morons and give speeches and shit.

Speaker 1 Just having fun, acting out little scenes wherever we felt like it. We were doing it for ourselves.
That's what he thought. No, this is not fair.

Speaker 1 Then we kept doing it, even when we were alone.

Speaker 1 We just always felt like somebody was watching. We really realized we were playing it all out in front of a real audience.
We started hearing them around us.

Speaker 1 I was. This is such a.
Oh my god, this really makes me sad. This really fucking makes me sad.
We used to say stuff like this. You just had to be like, it's all about just building a place.

Speaker 1 They'll come, they'll come to the show. They'll have to come.
They'll hear the circus come. Everyone loves a circus.

Speaker 1 I was listening to him, if only to know what was going through this crazy person's head.

Speaker 1 He looked up at me and this crazed look came into his eyes.

Speaker 1 We could hear the real audience.

Speaker 1 The one we knew we were playing for all along. So we changed the show.
Maybe it was more edgy, you know, exciting.

Speaker 1 We'd wait till people were alone and then we'd heard them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Give a real hard time and shit, you know.

Speaker 1 The audience loved it. I love this guy.

Speaker 1 We had total freedom.

Speaker 1 Anything we wanted. We could

Speaker 1 anything

Speaker 1 to anyone

Speaker 1 now

Speaker 1 this is just I feel like I'm just at the store I feel like I'm talking to a stand-up community

Speaker 1 now

Speaker 1 I was fully listening to this guy's story but when I turned to look at him his hand was deep in his pants yeah

Speaker 1 shocked I Turned to the other people on the train with me, but they were ignoring it. One woman in a suit shrugged her shoulders as if saying

Speaker 1 sorry your problem

Speaker 1 i had never hated someone as much as i did in that moment oh whatever man he's just trying to make it he's a comedian the pervert next to me continued

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 anything man

Speaker 1 we started like really hurting people you know

Speaker 1 I don't see you doing this to like a lost Asian family on the train that's just visiting New York.

Speaker 1 You I see Eddie at 28 years old like literally being like, yeah, yeah, we do a lot of fucked up shit at night here. You know like, yeah, yeah, you guys are going out to eat.
Not me.

Speaker 1 I'm going out to drink. I don't eat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 the whole show shifted when we first killed someone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The first time, it was an accident. But the audience loved it, man.
They cleaned it all up. Almost licked it clean.
Now we had to give them what they wanted. We started killing more people.

Speaker 1 Doing awful things to them. He still had his hands and his pants when he said...

Speaker 1 And then he began to pant loudly.

Speaker 1 We did whatever we wanted, man.

Speaker 1 Whatever we desired.

Speaker 1 We catch people alone and devour them. Use them.
And the audience cleaned it up. Nothing could touch us.
We were primal. Like animals.

Speaker 1 Totally free.

Speaker 1 We've killed kids.

Speaker 1 Animals.

Speaker 1 There's so much pent up in us. It was like a breath of fresh air.
Letting it all out.

Speaker 1 His hand was out of his pants as soon as he stopped talking and he grabbed me by the neck. He forced me to take a hand.
Yeah, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Get some hand sanitizer.

Speaker 1 He forced me to turn to his dirty face, and I was too terrified to fight back at all. He looked deep into my eyes and smiled widely.
That was when the train started slowing down.

Speaker 1 It wasn't screeching to a halt, just slowing.

Speaker 1 Like time itself was stopping outside the window. I stared at the people around me yet somehow didn't notice.
The homeless man's face went blank then and he let me go.

Speaker 1 I breathed a sigh of relief and he got up and said to no one in particular

Speaker 1 no guys she's okay.

Speaker 1 We'll have a show later.

Speaker 1 Then the train started to speed up,

Speaker 1 but not by much.

Speaker 1 Time seemed to be shifting back back to normal, but we were still in the tunnel. I looked back to the homeless man as he walked casually to the doors.

Speaker 1 It took a moment to explain to myself what was happening. Then I stared in utter shock as every person that had been around me got up and moved down to the same doors.

Speaker 1 They stared at me with bored looks, and a couple of them smirked with pure malice in their eyes. Then the same businesswoman who had shrugged said,

Speaker 1 sorry, folks. Really?

Speaker 1 Show's over.

Speaker 1 Terry said to leave her.

Speaker 1 Then from all around me came sighs. From every direction and every place came disappointed, resigned sighs.
I looked around wildly for loudspeakers or microphones, but I found none.

Speaker 1 The voices were coming from no one, yet I could feel them all around me. Then time shifted abruptly back to normal, and the train pulled into the station.

Speaker 1 I was hyperventilated, not able to piece together the train of events.

Speaker 1 The group shuffled out of the station, and Terry said to the group, pointing to a teenager going up the escalator to the exit, There!

Speaker 1 He's perfect.

Speaker 1 Why not the woman? Why not the woman?

Speaker 1 He didn't like her. She wasn't good enough.

Speaker 1 And the entire group of people followed him out of the station towards the boy as the sounds of claps and hollers that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere echoed through the station.

Speaker 1 The woman was in on it. Yeah, you know what it feels like? You know what honestly feels like?

Speaker 1 This whole thing. It's like the Merle Haggard thing.
You're playing to the audience that shows up. It's right.
Like all of this stuff is about, like, no, you have to curate your audience.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't just play to whoever is around there telling you what to do. You can't listen to just the audience telling you what to do.
What subway station do you imagine here?

Speaker 1 I imagine Hoyt Skimmerhorn. I literally.
Wow. That's weird.
Yeah. That is really weird.
I also thought G-Train. Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 It had a definite G-Train feel. You know what there needs to be? A pill that makes comedians feel like this.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we will cut some of the pack down. If we just give people the idea that they're being watched by an audience, maybe that will actually help some of us stop.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you want to induce schizophrenia in people. Honestly, if I could just feel beloved, I wouldn't have to do this ever again.
If I could fill that hole inside of me, I could be a happy person.

Speaker 1 But I don't think I can't. Schizophrenia should be our new sketch group name.
Whoa,

Speaker 1 schizophrenia.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with the skits.

Speaker 1 Yeah, schizophrenia. And it's all for free, and you're all street musicians.
You're street performers. We bring skits at you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You want skits too fucking bad. That's our tag.
That's the tag. Yeah, but you are bringing skits.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 You say you want skits too fucking bad. That implies that you're not giving them skits, but you are forcing skits upon people.

Speaker 1 I'm letting you know that I'm going to bring skits by asking you.

Speaker 1 But I don't care what the answer is. And if you say yes, we probably won't do skits.

Speaker 1 Sketchophrania.

Speaker 1 Now it's getting serious.

Speaker 1 Live from North Wade.

Speaker 1 Sling is changing the way live TV works by putting viewers in charge of their entertainment. Pay only for the months when TV is actually needed and skip the ones when it's not.

Speaker 1 For short-term needs, Sling passes provide live TV access without commitment. A day pass for $4.99 offers 24 access, a week pass, blah, blah, blah.
Who cares?

Speaker 1 Unsling is the only place that you can watch your pretty faces going to hell on an app. It's the only place where you can do it.
And so, therefore, it has become my favorite app.

Speaker 1 So, you can go to wherever the sling is, find Sling, and you can go to see your pretty faces going to hell on it. And that's all that matters.

Speaker 1 Show people your pretty faces going to hell. Okay? So, go get Sling.
Great app. How I've organized my channel lineup is I've put your pretty faces going to hell five times on it.
So, go check it out.

Speaker 1 Choose and customize your channel lineup or pause and watch for free. Sling lets you do that.
Visit sling.com to learn more.

Speaker 1 If you've ever felt overwhelmed by the idea of learning a new language, you're not alone. Studies show that 70 to 90% of people trying to learn a new language give up.

Speaker 1 Fortunately, Babel's built so that it's really easy to get started. Learning a language with Babel is all about small steps, big wins, and progress you can actually track and feel.

Speaker 1 Their bite-sized lessons fit easily into your daily routine and are also easy to remember. It's easy to use Babel.
It's easy for you to learn different words.

Speaker 1 Stuff like if you're in Germany and you need to be like, hey, where can I get some see-through laterhosen?

Speaker 1 You can learn that. If you go to Mexico City and you want to learn how to say,

Speaker 1 do you have any see-through laterhosen?

Speaker 1 In Mexico City, you can learn how to do that. I believe the Spanish word for laterhosen

Speaker 1 is laterhosen. And I learned that from Babel.

Speaker 1 Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 55% off your Babel subscription at babble.com forward slash left.
Get up to 55% off at babel.com forward slash left.

Speaker 1 Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com forward slash left. Rules and restrictions may apply.
If you could stop someone from breaking into your home before they even got its side, why wouldn't you?

Speaker 1 Traditional security systems only respond after break-in. SimplySafe is different.
With your act of guard outdoor protection, you can prevent crimes before they happen.

Speaker 1 AI-powered cameras detect threats while they are still outside your home and alert real security agents.

Speaker 1 I want to get mine retrofuted so it could shoot nets or big piles of sticky, sticky goo that will make the criminals froze to the spot.

Speaker 1 And then I can take their phones and subscribe them to our wonderful podcasts here at Last Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 I wish that my simply safe AI-powered cameras could see the entire world so that I could catch every instance of crime before it happens. And yes, my reign will be both terrible and awesome.

Speaker 1 You will eventually see that using the power of AI cameras fueled by the strength of simply safe will allow me to apply a yes cold and impersonal yet kind ruling hand to ours we also use it here at the studio and there we've got really good customer service so thank you guys so much for using simply safe and I hope that you do don't miss out on simply safe's biggest sale of the year 60% off right now our listeners can save 60% off on a simply safe home home security system at simply safe.com/slash LPOTL.

Speaker 1 That's simply safe.com/slash LPOTL. There's no safe like SimplySafe.

Speaker 1 All right, my next story is by an author named Neon Minerva. Ooh.
It's called Dreams of a Rotted Mind.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Vignettes. Yeah.
A few vignettes. This is a chapter in the Zizian Manifesto.

Speaker 1 Far away, in a desolate, horrid, rotten land where almost nobody lives anymore, there lies a small man, rotting on the ground. Even his mind starting to rot.

Speaker 1 Don't you wonder what his dreams are like? They're bad.

Speaker 1 They're not nice. They're not nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just did that character.

Speaker 1 It's not nice.

Speaker 1 This is a stupider version of Terry. First dream.

Speaker 1 Six people sit in a waiting room. Pictures of teeth and eyes cover the walls.
A nurse walks out and approaches a man. The roach says you're weird.

Speaker 1 The man walks off, frustrated with this outcome. Several minutes pass before she comes out again and approaches a woman.
The roach says you're stupid.

Speaker 1 She looks as though she's about to punch the poor nurse in the nose. She walks out.
About an hour passes, and one man checks his watch. The nurse finally walks out again.

Speaker 1 The rudge says you're a dead man.

Speaker 1 He feels all his teeth melting in his mouth and spits them out into the garbage can, nearly throwing up in the process.

Speaker 1 His eyes snap out of their sockets and blood sprays from them as if under high pressure. He feels like several holes have been poked into his heart.

Speaker 1 His body shrivels to a point where it doesn't look human anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I think this whole thing's an allegory about healthcare. I think so.

Speaker 1 Dream number two.

Speaker 1 The girl knocked on the door.

Speaker 1 Earlier, a man had complained, said that they were making too much noise. Why are you making so much noise? But it seemed pretty quiet to her.

Speaker 1 When nobody answered her knocks, she tried opening it herself. It was unlocked.
Nothing could be seen in the room until she flipped a light switch. She saw things she never should have.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Humanoid creatures were cutting into each other with knives. They had no blood and they were easily cut through like clay.
Cool. One had its head cut off and was still moving.
Cool.

Speaker 1 She heard somebody call from the other room, and when she entered, another woman was trapped beneath a sticky, flesh-colored substance. Help me, help, it's.
That's exactly what she said. Help!

Speaker 1 Help me! Help! Help! It's a big pink snowman!

Speaker 1 There's a pink snowman on me! Help me! The woman cried, and her skin rolled down her face with her tears. Whoa!

Speaker 1 A hand came out of the wall and ran through the woman's hair, pulling out clumps of coagulated blood.

Speaker 1 Come one!

Speaker 1 It said the woman's head fell. The girl screamed and knew she had to get out.
She will never forget what she saw that day. I got a stop taking melatonin.

Speaker 1 I'm not good. It's not good.
I'm not good.

Speaker 1 Dream three.

Speaker 1 I call God. I don't want to have one of these dreams.
I just want to have a nice dream. Me hanging out with Hayden Penetaya.

Speaker 1 Hey, from Heroes.

Speaker 1 Remember?

Speaker 1 Ali Lana.

Speaker 1 Hanging out with her. I'm on.

Speaker 1 The whole day a CW star! I love it! Oh, yeah, the flesh!

Speaker 1 How was your shoe? Dream 3.

Speaker 1 I started the day like any other. I ate breakfast and left my apartment.

Speaker 1 Which seemed to be colored in with a black marker. Then I saw him, the odd one out among the crowd, a guy who still had his face intact.
He motioned for me to walk into an alley. Closer, please.

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but I trusted him. I don't know why I trusted him, but I did.
In the alley, two other people lay sleeping. Closed my eyes for just a second.

Speaker 1 And in that impossibly small bit of time, everything went horribly wrong.

Speaker 1 The man I trusted now had a radio for a head, playing a horrible, grating, static noise that nobody should ever be forced to hear. This is about the media.

Speaker 1 The person on my right had only a large mouth on his face, constantly screaming in agony. No!

Speaker 1 The person.

Speaker 1 Ouch!

Speaker 1 Ouch!

Speaker 1 The person on my left had become a large, fleshy mass with a zipper down its front, trying to unzip itself with its spindly legs.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to change into my bathing suit. I want to change into my bathing suit into a hot house.
I might go down that hotel pool.

Speaker 1 Then the entire world fell apart. I don't even remember my name anymore.
I don't remember who I am. I don't know where I am either.
All I remember is that one day

Speaker 1 the rotted man woke up.

Speaker 1 He started walking.

Speaker 1 A large green pyramid looming above him. Best pro shops.
Might be replacing me.

Speaker 1 He walked and kept walking. Past all the remnants of a time where life existed.

Speaker 1 He just kept walking in his own personal nowhere.

Speaker 1 Thank God I got my AirPods.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it kind of sounds nice. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he takes a break. Walking in his own personal nowhere towards a green pyramid.
Yeah. I spent an afternoon doing that.
Got me on four edibles on a plane.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like a happy pasta.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A relax of pasta.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because that's kind of nice. Now, I just took this story.
From this is from a random Redditor. This is in a true scary story.
I just read this and it was just,

Speaker 1 I thought it was interesting. Okay.
And it was a subtle ghost story. Okay.
All right. I shall listen closely for the subtleties.
Odyssey Pop. Odyssey Pop.
That's the name of the person who wrote it.

Speaker 1 Okay. What's the name of the story? It's called I Heard My Friend's Deceased Husband.
Oh, okay. Oh, okay.
That's fun. Did he fart after death?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes, Ebby.

Speaker 1 He was big in a farting and drinking piss. So all he heard is he heard the

Speaker 1 as he always, because he always had a big Stanley brim into the rim with fucking hot piss. And he used to just go gurgle, gurgle, gurgle on it.
That's so cool, man. I love it.

Speaker 1 It's cool. His own pests or somebody else's? Whatever you could get.
Okay. Whatever it was hot.

Speaker 1 Piping hot.

Speaker 1 Sometimes it's nice you pop in the microwave if this has been sitting out.

Speaker 1 I was house pet sitting for my next door neighbor friend Angel while she was in Hawaii.

Speaker 1 She's a widow and I was just taking care of her two cats an elderly Yorkie. All I did do was feed them, play with them, clean their litter box.
It's cute.

Speaker 1 Fun times. It's cute.
Then while she was still gone, her dog passed away. I called her, did what she needed to be done, and put him in the freezer like she asked.
Great.

Speaker 1 That night after everything settled, I went out to the waiting wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So the dog died, and the friend said, put it in the freezer till I get back.

Speaker 1 Literally just said, hey, pop it in there. If you could move the nugs to the Queen's fridge in the garage, then I can get some time because it's a Yorkie.
Yeah, Yorkie.

Speaker 1 Also, some people have, you know, an extra freezer that, you know, that's just a freezer. No, I do.

Speaker 1 I can't believe that the two of you are not looking at this as an issue of like, hey, put the dead dog in the freezer. And the two of you are looking at it as a space issue.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to wrap it up. I mean, it's better in the freezer than, you know, getting out in the elements, exploding.

Speaker 1 If you wrap it in a bunch of plastic and stick it in a couple of paper bags, it's not going to do too much. Yeah, it'll stay for years.
It depends on how it died, right? Like, yeah,

Speaker 1 don't put it in the freezer. Yeah, I'm not going to scoop it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 All right, no, no, no, it needs to be either, it needs to have done, like, to be honest, in a moment of pure rashness, hung itself with a rope, or, or, you know, choked itself in the stove.

Speaker 1 But I think that, yeah, it has to be one piece. Yeah, having grown up in the country,

Speaker 1 when I hear dead dog, my mind immediately goes to violence because I only had one dog that did not die by violent means. No, no, no.
This is a dog that had checked its way out old-fashioned style.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Good dog trout.
That's it. Yeah.
Went out of the house, didn't come back. Now it's in the freezer.
Beat to death by hammers. You're right.
That's the hardest part.

Speaker 1 That's one of the hardest deaths to deal with as a pet owner because we all go through it at least once. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Goddamn automatic hammers? I'm sick of these automatic hammers.

Speaker 1 And everywhere you go, you got to get, keep, you know,

Speaker 1 watch your dog around these automatic hammers. Hey, sorry.
So I was like, I was hanging around your house and I saw this button and the automatic hammer button. I pushed it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I should have said something. Some dogstead.
Thanks. Yeah, I figured he likes to hang about in the automatic hammer machine.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 that night.

Speaker 1 It's a common mistake. It happens.

Speaker 1 This is the third time I've had a Yorkie. I need to stop putting it right next to the toilet flusher.
I need a great date.

Speaker 1 Something baby could just get his, we just get his head in there, I guess. That night after everything settled, I went out to the back patio for a smoke.

Speaker 1 Around midnight, I started packing up my stuff, turning up the lights, and getting ready to go home. And then I heard it.

Speaker 1 A bark. But not from a dog.
It was a man's voice. Bark.
Yep. Like someone imitating a bark.
Bark. Bark.
Bark. Bark.
Bark. Bark.

Speaker 1 I stopped, turned around, and looked. My house to the left of Angels, there's a vacant house to the right, and Behind her place is another house with motion sensor lights, and there's no one there.

Speaker 1 Then I heard it again. Once, bark, then twice, bark, bark.
Sounded like someone was just standing just on the other side of the fence, messing with me. Hold on a second, Marcus, are you an actor?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 that's exceptional. Thank you.
It is

Speaker 1 exceptional. I specialize in interspecies performance.
Oh, yes. Yes, very much.
Now, can you please do a cat? Meow. Perfect.
Well, Jesus. Jesus.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I'm allergic. Get it out of here.

Speaker 1 The barking got louder. Bark, bark.
More frequent. Bark, bark, bark, bark.
Like, whoever was doing it was having way too much fun scaring me. Bark, bark, bark, bark.

Speaker 1 And the weirdest part, it didn't feel like a person. Oh.
I know how to explain it, but something about it was just wrong. Okay.
Off. Bark.

Speaker 1 Bark.

Speaker 1 That was all I needed to nope the hell out of there, so I ran. The barking got louder as I booked it.
But the second I reached the front yard, silence. I didn't stop until I was inside my house.

Speaker 1 My husband called me down, listened to the whole thing, and said it was probably just some idiot playing a prank. Definitely not him.

Speaker 1 I wanted to believe him, but I was still freaked out. Fast forward to a few days.

Speaker 1 I was outside smoking smoking with my mother-in-law and i randomly brought it up told her the whole story she barely reacted just not just nodded and said oh yeah that's rex

Speaker 1 no she

Speaker 1 was more like oh yeah that's rex oh fuck yeah yeah yeah that's right bitch i more imagine that like oh yeah that's rex oh yeah that is rex

Speaker 1 i was like i'm sorry what

Speaker 1 She explained that Angel's late husband Rex used to bark at her from over the fence as a joke. And the next day I told Angel and she confirmed, yep, that was something old Rex used to do.

Speaker 1 I still won't go back there at night.

Speaker 1 Afraid of the bark. Okay.

Speaker 1 Just afraid of the bark. Afraid of the bark.
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Speaker 1 Bark. Dark.

Speaker 1 Bjark. Dark.
Bjork. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that blind, the woman, she was blind. Yeah.
Oh, dance in the dark. Yep.
Dancer in the bark.

Speaker 1 That's just a vocal tick.

Speaker 1 Now it's just a vocal tick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But yeah, she's just afraid of the guy going to bark. Why? Because she doesn't like it.
Is it like, what? Is it like a ghost dog? No, it's a ghost. No, it's a ghost man pretending to be a dog.

Speaker 1 And a man with a dog's name. Yes.
A man named Rex who barks at people with his voice, but it's not a dog, is in fact a man. He's actually a ghost.
And now it barks as a ghost,

Speaker 1 as a man pretending to be a dog. And just happened to show up the same night that the friend

Speaker 1 put the Yorkie's corpse in the freezer. Had to pop him in there.
Yeah, had to pop him in there. Bark, bark.
Bark, bark. Because who else would? She's the only one there with the Yorkie.

Speaker 1 Yorkie's not going to do it herself. And it's true.
What does one have to do with the other? What do you mean? The freezer, the dead dog, and the bark, bark.

Speaker 1 To be honest, it's just one of those weird things. When you read these creepypastas, people just throw kind of random factoids in there.
They do.

Speaker 1 And that's one of those where you're like, that's actually the creepiest part of this whole thing. Is that there's a dead dog in the freezer and she's

Speaker 1 a man ghost you went in there and you went like oh no uh can you imagine because just see i could just see the york yorkie with like the terrified frozen look on its face of death uh you know like at the same

Speaker 1 and then i part of me wonders if she did she end its life

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 go back to the part where she talks about the dog dying because they really just scooted right over that. She just went, she was like, it was just like, it really was pretty much like an afterthought.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Maybe the freezer killed the dog.
Well, that's, that is Moda. Finished the job.
That's called Moda.

Speaker 1 Then while she was gone, I was taking care of her elderly Yorkie. Then while she was gone, her dog passed away.
I called her, did what needed to be done, and put him in the freezer like she asked.

Speaker 1 Now, I feel like

Speaker 1 that could be murder.

Speaker 1 I called, and then the term, I did what needed to be done, is doing a lot of work here.

Speaker 1 Well, I think I did what needed to be done is more like I wrapped a dead dog in a bunch of plastic bags and put it in a freezer. Like I handled a dead dog.

Speaker 1 Or is it because it maybe it got caught in the automatic hammer machine? Yeah. It's actually just lost its legs and organs have been shattered.
Yeah. It didn't get the head.

Speaker 1 The head's still alive going yep yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Bark, bark.
Yeah, she barked, bark, bark, bark. And then she had to beat it to death with her Birkenstocks.

Speaker 1 No, I think she, or she put it in a bag and suffocated it. This is a good way to end the show.
It really is.

Speaker 1 People love it.

Speaker 1 They love the discussion.

Speaker 1 I'd never do that to you, Georgie. Georgie came in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Georgie came in to record today. Come here, girl.
No, Georgie, we'd never put you out of your misery. We're going to elongate your life way past its natural.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you see this stuff where they got the pills that it can extend a dog's life? By how long? Do not tell Julie about these pills. It's pills.

Speaker 1 It can extend a dog's life. But apparently, though,

Speaker 1 it does sort of. The dog does live, but its brain is in the Event Horizon Hell world.
Yeah. But it's still alive.
Okay. So you're, so you just have a lump of hairy flesh that can see.

Speaker 1 Liberate toute me.

Speaker 1 Where we are going, we do not need eyes to see.

Speaker 1 Daddy.

Speaker 1 Carmy.

Speaker 1 Sounds like something that comes out of the Necronomicon. It's like a Necronomicon pill.
Yeah, they're going to make it come to life. But no, that's true.

Speaker 1 It's going to elongate their lives, but I don't know what that means. I feel like a lot of people talk about this elongating your life process, but it's at what point's getting elongated, right?

Speaker 1 Like, so do I just get to be 100 years old longer? Yeah. Because that seems like that sucks dick.
Or do I get to be 50 years old longer?

Speaker 1 No, where we're at right now is like you're trying to make like your 30s last well into your 50s. That's what you're doing.
And you try to make your 50s last in your 70s.

Speaker 1 That's what you, I mean, you better. And then you make your 70s last in in your hundreds.
And then you make your hundreds last to the fucking 200s, and then we could finally

Speaker 1 eat bugs. Yeah.
You can eat bugs now.

Speaker 1 They're pretty gross, though. You gotta learn at it.
One day we won't even know that they're bugs. And here's hoping.
Go to patreon.com/slash last podcast on the left to look at us. Now,

Speaker 1 we've ended the show. Yeah, we've ended the show.
Yeah, if you wanted to see Georgie on camera, go to lastpodcast, patreon.com/slash last podcast on the left to see video episodes.

Speaker 1 And while you're there, for a very reasonable price, you can see last stream on the left every Tuesday at 6 p.m. PST, 9 p.m.
EST. You get to see it raw and cut and live.

Speaker 1 And you get to interact with us. And we also have a lot of big, we have special programming coming up for this, the stream, which I'm really excited for.
And just like next week, we're coming back.

Speaker 1 Back to series. We're going to do a bunch of, we got a bunch of thick ass shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now we're going to push out of the hole. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we released our schedule for the rest of the year. So go to lastpodcastonaleft.com and check out all the shows we got coming up.
Of course, we're coming to the end of the day.

Speaker 1 Eddie, give him a sample joke for tonight. Oh, Jesus.
Come on. Give him a sample joke, Eddie.
Don't do this to him. I did the same at the other show when we did it in Huntsville.

Speaker 1 And now for your closing joke, Ed Larson. Do you know what the hidden tragedy of 9-11 is?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Never forget used to belong to the elephants. This is what he did at the Huntsville show.
Same reaction. You know, Marcus Lee.
Same reaction. Marcus Larry.

Speaker 1 Same reaction. I love it.

Speaker 1 I love it. But you're going to see more than that, but he's going to do a lot more specific material.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, this comes out on Friday. Do you have any, if someone's listening to this on Friday, where's the connection? It's in Panama City right now.
I am in Panama City with Amber Nelson.

Speaker 1 She jumped on just for the Panama City tour. She was just there for spring break.
I don't know why. But so she's doing the shows in Panama City.
She's trying to get herself a young book.

Speaker 1 And then Sunday in Tallahassee with Danny Bedrosian is almost sold out. So make sure you check it out.

Speaker 1 But more importantly, last podcast and I left, added a shit ton of shows, and we're coming to you starting after we're going to Detroit, Toronto, Atlanta, Salt Lake City, Charlotte, Durham, St.

Speaker 1 Paul, Minnesota, Milwaukee, Oakland, Cleveland, and Portland for two nights. Go to our website and check that out and get tickets.
It's going to be a great year. Ryman was awesome, man.

Speaker 1 I had such a good time. It was so fun.
It was our best show. The Ryman was incredible.
It was. It was easily our best show.
It was so much fun.

Speaker 1 Thanks, everyone in Nashville who came out for that one to come see us. It's such an historic venue.
It's always a pleasure to play the Ryman and to put our own little mark on it.

Speaker 1 And we're going to put a big old mark on your fucking ass.

Speaker 1 See the show. Hail, Satan, pieces of shit.
Yeah, fuck all of you. Hail Gein, I appreciate all of you very much.
Fuck all you dirty fucking dogs. I think you're very nice.
Whatever, dude.

Speaker 1 Whatever, when fucking whatever, dude. Go put it by yourself.
Hail, Florida. We'll see you guys.

Speaker 1 It's my hail. It's

Speaker 1 good. It is.

Speaker 1 It is. It is.
Hail, a man who made a belt out of nipples every week for 13 years. I can hit whoever the fuck I want.
Use it on us.

Speaker 1 If you read the Edging chapter in the book, I explain it. Okay, all right, good.

Speaker 1 I won't do that.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 All right, bye, fuckers.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 2 It's Black Friday at Paragold, the destination for luxury home. Save up to 30% on the largest ever selection of design's best brands with beautiful quality pieces for every style and space.

Speaker 2 Plus, enjoy free design services and fast, free, full-service delivery on most items. Shop the sale in-store and online at paragold.com only from November 25th through December 2nd.

Speaker 1 Clorox,

Speaker 1 Hey, what does all in one mean?

Speaker 1 The catty, the wand, the preloaded pad.

Speaker 1 There's a cleaner in there,

Speaker 1 inside the bag. So, Clorox toilet wand is all I need to clean a toilet?

Speaker 1 You don't need a bottle of solution

Speaker 1 to get into the stiletto revolution. Clorox clean feels good.

Speaker 2 Use as directed.