Side Stories: Raccoon with a Meth Pipe

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Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started.

Side stories, yes.

I'd put money on

Alec Baldwin's father being an alcoholic.

How much?

50 bucks.

Not going to take it.

Welcome to Side Stories, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Marcus Parks.

I'm here filling in for Henry Zabraski here with Ed Larson.

How are you doing today, Ed?

Pretty good.

If you're going to fill in, I'm afraid I'm going to ask you to put on a lot more weight.

You're too thin, boy.

Do we have a fat suit?

We're going to go full clump today.

Well, listen,

obviously, we hear Marcus because we have some unfortunate news.

We lost a member of the last podcast family and big Henry Zabrowski.

Henry Zabrowski Sr., unfortunately, has passed away.

And we will do a nice bigger announcement, but Henry's taking the week off.

And we're going to let the boy rest and let the against his own will.

Oh, my God.

A medical professional, even though both of us are like, you know what, you don't have to.

A medical professional had to ask him, why are you working right now?

Oh, yeah.

No, he's a maniac.

And

committed.

We said committed.

Yes.

And,

you know, hail, Big Henry, we love you.

I missed that guy already.

He was a lot of fun.

I remember

the day I met him was when I helped Jackie move in to her dorm

at Florida State.

And then Big Henry was there.

And I was like, all right, this is Henry's dad, you know, and he was so obnoxious.

And we all went to Chili's and he kept yelling at the waitress.

And I was like, this guy's funny.

Yes.

Rest in peace, Henry Sr., may you go to that good old

submarine in the Gulf of Mexico in the sky.

Yes, yes.

And we will,

Henry and I will be awful about it next week.

Don't worry, because I also have a dead dad.

And, you know, we can commiserate that as well.

I believe our dads died equally as horrible.

Yeah, right.

Really dead.

Oh, man.

Mine's the only one alive.

That's right.

That's right.

You last.

You made it, buddy.

Congratulations.

Fuck yeah.

Hell yeah.

I'm going to call dad after this.

Tell him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he loves, there's nothing he loves more than out-living people.

You know what?

I like it too.

Yes,

it's always a blast.

So, hail, Big Henry.

We're doing the show without Little Henry this week.

But But we took the week off yesterday.

You still heard plenty of podcasts.

We don't fucking take a week off from you, but we took a week off from our own lives and had some fun.

You went to Hawaii.

Did you do anything silly?

Did you get in trouble?

My first vacation in four years.

Wow.

Like a true vacation.

True vacation.

No family, just you and Carolina.

Yeah, man.

You went to the beach?

No, actually, we did mostly rainforest shit.

Oh, yeah.

I was surprised.

I don't know how well you do at the beach.

I had a lot of sunscreen on.

Yeah.

The entire time I was there like fucking slather like i'd put the fucking spray on and then slather on the lotion yeah yeah man it was amazing yeah went uh kayaking down this river to these secret falls oh yeah they were cool and they have where are they I can't tell you.

I was going to say, try to get you.

He's going to take kayak down.

Yeah, I went to Kauai.

I want to say hello to Mike,

who runs Aloha Tours, or I think it's called the Aloha Shuttle.

Okay.

He's a big fan.

Oh, nice.

It was fun.

Yeah, we got on the bus, the shuttle that takes you around so you don't drive drunk, to like different bars and resorts and shit.

Oh, hell yeah.

I got him.

He's like, hey, hey, oh, shit, I know who the fuck you guys are.

Oh, yeah.

He's a big no-dogs and space fan.

So thank you very much, Mike.

We'll see you next time we're in Hawaii.

Amazing.

I love Hawaii

so much, man.

Dude, it was just an actual relaxing time.

It was just wonderful.

And I had this moment under a waterfall where I was like, just fucking, I mean, barraged with water and came out.

It's this cleansing moment.

Felt fucking incredible.

Like, I felt like I something had been washed away.

Oh, man.

It's beautiful.

It was cool.

And you know, Hawaii, they have their very own little people.

Really?

I can't remember what they're called.

The Minahuni.

The Minahuni.

Yeah, Minahuni.

Yeah, they have this.

It's this legend where they're kind of like their shoemaker elves.

Okay.

Where the Minahuni are these like tiny people, these dwarf people.

Are they real?

No.

Okay.

No, no, it's like a legend.

Okay.

Where They come out at night and they, you know, build bridges and they make shit happen.

But what was interesting is that I looked up the Menahuni and what did you ever hear about the Hobbit skeleton?

Yes.

Yeah.

So it turns out that some people think that the Minahuni may actually have been some of those Hobbit people that the original settlers of Hawaii like had taken from Indonesia or I think that's where they found the hobbit skeleton.

Okay.

But it had taken them from there and they were in fact their servants.

So like like the original settlers of hawaii may have had like an army of dwarves as their servants wow yeah that's fucking

it's bad but

awesome

can you imagine like settling a new land and like you just have a bunch of dwarves doing all of your work for you man it's wonka yeah it is except for pineapples holy shit dude it's holy wonka yeah yeah oh man hawaii is fucking wonka land yeah yeah yeah

all right i love Hawaii, man.

I can't wait to go back.

There's lots of crazy shit there.

Yeah.

It's all invasive species, and I think that's, you know, fine.

Yeah, chickens everywhere.

Because we went to Kauai.

You know, and the reason why Kauai

is the only island that has chickens is because back in, you know, when they were first settling the islands, they had a rat problem.

And so one of the guys, he was a sailor.

You know, these guys, we talked about it in the Batavia series.

These guys just fucking sail everywhere.

And so this guy had gone from Hawaii to Africa and like some dude in some village village somewhere said like, oh, yeah, you got a rat problem?

Take a mongoose over there.

It'll take care of it in a second.

Yep.

Fucking dude got together 7,000 mongooses, mongoose,

and just fucking put them on every single island except Hawaii, which is why every other island doesn't really have like a big bird population.

But Kauai has a great bird population and chickens fucking everywhere.

You know what happened with the mongoose thing?

I learned this when I was over there because I was mongoose everywhere.

The first time I saw a mongoose, I was like, what the fuck?

Is that a mongoose?

I was like flipping out and shit.

And I was just like, what the hell's going on with all the mongoose?

They came to kill the rats.

But the problem with that was the, what, the rats are nocturnal and the mongoose stay awake during the day.

So they didn't kill them enough.

So they had to bring in a bunch of cats.

And now there's a fucking cats everywhere.

And then, you know, so now the cats are a problem.

The rats are a problem.

The mongoose are a problem.

And so, you know, Hawaii is just filled with these invasive species.

Shout out to my friend, April.

McCormick, who has to kill some of those cats, unfortunately, from time to time.

Wow.

Because they, you know, there's so many of them and they're fucking with all the other things, all the killing, all the birds and all this shit.

You got to do a cult.

You got to do the thing.

So they work for animal control?

Yes.

Well, she works for like

science, like researchers, and then also she has to go kill cats occasionally.

And like, it's totally changed her.

She used to be like a strict vegetarian.

Yeah.

And like, you know, wouldn't, you know, never, now she's just like hardened, eats pork and shit.

And fucking, she's like a whole new person.

And so, uh, you know, shout out to her.

Um, I, I, thanks for killing the cats.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Like, it's weird to, you know, but it's, you know, what are you gonna do?

Well, that's the thing.

I get, I get it, like, I get that, like, protectiveness because there was a moment we were on this hike on Sunday, and I was looking, it was the most beautiful hike I've ever taken in my life.

It was up, like, on top of a mountain, going on the ridges.

There's fucking valleys on both sides.

See all of these, you know, huge plants and trees growing up.

And this thought, I'd never had a thought like this in my head.

It just suddenly popped in my head, and I thought, I would kill for this place.

Yeah.

I would kill to preserve this place and to keep this place safe.

It is a very important place.

Hawaii, I love it so much.

Just like learning about it when I was there,

it's wild.

And you know why everyone who lives there is so protective about it.

Yeah, I got it.

I definitely, I finally got it on that last day.

Like, yeah, I understand.

And I, like, and I also even appreciated how chill people were about protecting it.

Oh, they were very cool about it.

They have to be.

Otherwise, you know, you flip out.

Hawaii, unfortunately, high suicide rate.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

And this also, I learned Key West also is a high suicide rate.

Well, and it's interesting.

Well, it's like that island escape culture.

I feel like, you know, it might invite people who are a little under the weather mental health-wise.

Can't run away from your problems.

That's right.

It's someone going to the going to the island thinking, this is going to fix everything.

Like, if I only make it to Hawaii, if I only make it to Key West, then I'll be totally fine and all my problems will be solved.

Yeah.

And you discover that does not happen at all.

Yeah, it's Prozac.

Yeah, it's Prozac.

Prozac works a lot.

But the cool thing is that we went to Kauai.

Like, it was funny.

I realized later that it was somewhat like subconscious because we were choosing which island to go to.

And finally, I was like, no, no, let's go to Kauai.

Like, that feels right.

Like, let's just, let's try this place.

And I realized the reason why is because...

Lori Vallo, that's where she got arrested.

And that's where her favorite island was Kauai.

Okay.

And she stayed on the north shore.

We stayed on the south.

I mean, you know, you can like the same things.

Yeah.

It's okay.

You know, Kauai is very nice.

Yeah.

Aaron Chad got married on the beach.

Like, remember they paid like $500 for, you know, a beach wedding and a photographer.

And that's where she was arrested and extradited from.

But yeah, it was in Kauai.

It was in Princeville, up top, the shishi part, I was told.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, but of course, always the best because they have to spend that insurance money from the murdered wife somehow.

But

I did like I had to stop myself from like just telling like random Lori Vallo facts to strangers.

Oh, yeah.

It's hard.

Just don't fucking mention murder.

Don't mention it.

Don't mention it.

Like the only time that I really talked about it was I was on a hike.

Like when we went down to the Secret Falls, you know, we had a guide and we went like on a tour.

And you kayak down and there's like, we went with a bunch of bro dudes on like their bro vacation, their bro va their brocation.

Yeah, like a bunch of guys in their like late 20s, like early 30s.

Um, but you know, of course, like talking shit like dudes do, the regular dudes.

And like, better shut up, like, who else is gonna put us on a podcast?

It's like, only if you murder someone, yeah, if you kill someone, you're on.

Yeah, if you kill someone, we're definitely gonna talk about you a lot.

If I met you and you're a murderer, you're in

there's no way we're not talking about it.

Man, with this picture,

I guess these aren't engagement.

These are wedding photos.

These are wedding photos of Chad Dayball and Lori Ballow.

You think he's faking the guitar here?

The ukulele, he doesn't know how to play ukulele.

They just handed it to him and said, pretend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking assholes.

And she's trying to do a hula dance and looking fucking horrible doing it.

She doesn't have an ounce of rhythm in her life and her fucking body.

It is interesting to look at this photo and and know that this man is going to get riddled with bullets from the government.

It really is, man.

I didn't think about it that way.

God, yeah.

He's just going to be fucking slumped up next to a pole with a bunch of fucking blood just gushing.

This would be the outfit, too.

The white outfit?

Like, it would be, if you're going to do it, man, put him back in the fucking linen.

Matt, I wonder if you can request like the color

in which you can be killed.

Yeah, request white.

Dude, dolphins jersey for me, for sure.

No,

I'd say white flannel.

White flannel.

Can you do white flannel?

I don't know if I've ever seen white flannel.

It'd be hot.

I just like flannel.

I feel like it would have to mix with orange or something.

Yeah, man.

All right.

Well, that's going to fuck with just anything that shows the blood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just make sure the blood is really on display.

And then I'll be, well, not happy because I'll be executed by the government, but satisfied?

Satisfied.

You made one choice.

Yeah.

You made one choice.

Yeah.

Linen, I think, is always, would be, would be the best cloth to be shot by the government in.

And on that note, how was your vacation?

Well, speaking of invasive species, the invasive species tour was a success.

Hell yeah.

Thank you to everyone who came out.

I did 11 shows over two separate tours, fucking hour by myself, finally never done it before.

I've done it 11 times now.

And it's fucking it was great uh it went really well it's hard to it's hard to like say that you did really well but i did yeah and it was fucking cool everyone who came to the shows had a great time i loved meeting everyone uh thank you so much for everyone that understood that henry uh obviously called out from the side story shows and danya and orlando uh he even like even then even though he called out he still like called

he let me call him during the show and and make fun of him and so you know it was

it was a journey.

And, you know, and it was like, luckily, I had a bunch of dead dad jokes that I could tell.

And, you know, it just,

it went right, segued real well.

Yeah.

And sometimes he sinks dovetail.

But the shows were fucking amazing.

I had an awesome time fucking Naples,

Naples.

And there was everywhere I went, it seemed like there was a weird Florida tragedy followed me.

And we'll get to some of the stories later on.

But yeah, literally, there was a bear attack in Naples.

There was an alligator attack close to Fort Lauderdale.

It was crazy.

Welcome to the synchronicity, my friend.

I know.

It's wild how it just happens.

Yeah, man.

It just fucking happens wherever you go.

Somehow things just get attached somehow.

And it's weird how it happens.

I've noticed, yeah, we made fun of the old Pope the day before

he died.

It's just wild how this shit goes, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, the Pope.

I had so much fun watching Pope News

in Hawaii.

Like, you know, we we had a whole Pope morning.

New Chicago Pope.

Chicago-style Pope.

Well, it's good.

Yeah, does that mean we put a pickle on him?

It's a gross.

The Chicago-style Pope beat another cardinal actually named Pizza Balla.

Oh, yeah.

Talk about some Italian beef.

No, I kept singing this song.

I don't know why I got this song stuck in my head during the whole thing.

I just kept singing, like, when you're in Rome and you are choosing a Pope, can always form a conclave.

So the whole trip, me and Carolina just kept going, conclave.

Oh my God, Chicago Pope, and he seems to be not racist.

Yeah, and that which is wild.

It's wild, yeah.

I mean, definitely harboring

pedophiles and sexual abusers, but it's for sure.

As one person did make a point, he's a pope.

He's a pope.

It's like you're not really going to find a guy until, like, I don't know, maybe 40, 50 years from now

who wasn't involved in that in some way.

They would have to stop eventually.

Yeah.

That is true.

No, when I met like 40 or 50 years, it's like, once we're down to like six priests.

Yeah.

You know, he's not getting new ones

all that often.

Well, I can't wait to discover whatever nightmares this man has committed in his past.

I'm sure there's there's a couple.

So far, so good, new Pope.

You know, we're all rooting for you.

So far, so good.

And the Pope's brother seems nice.

Oh, yeah.

They keep it.

I don't know anything about him.

He's just some dude in Chicago.

Like, he lives in the suburbs.

Like, yeah, you know, like, we was last week, we were playing words with friends, and, you know,

we went to Conclave, actually.

You know, it's good.

It's pretty good.

Oh, he's MAGA.

No, but I thought, no, they hated him.

They've been fighting.

The The MAGA's been fighting with him a bunch.

Well, apparently the Pope's brother is MAGA.

Oh, well, of course he is.

He's from Chicago.

Yeah, he's from Chicago and moved to Florida.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, the Pope's brother, you know, I mean, what do we expect here?

Yeah.

You know, like, it's like, may we all be judged by the worst member in our family.

Yeah.

Yeah.

True, very true, very true.

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But I had such a good time in Florida.

It was just an amazing time.

So much good food.

I went to the beach.

Shout out to Adam Wertz and Julie Rosing for fucking shepherding me and being my tour managers and helping me sell merch and shit.

But I think the most important part of my trip was Key West.

Chickens everywhere, by the way.

It's covered in chickens.

Breakfast was expensive.

You know what?

It's like someone's fucking up.

There's chickens everywhere.

You just give me the eggs.

And I know what it was.

I saw a bunch of baby chickens.

They let them live.

And yeah,

I think that's the main problem.

Yeah, and well, it's free-range, too, so it's hard to know where they're laying the eggs.

Yeah, and you know, they eat trash.

But regardless, it's not going to be great.

Yeah, it's free-range trash chickens.

It's not, yeah, it's not like in a really nice, it's not like my mom's chickens that get really good food.

But I brought gifts for everybody.

Oh.

Yes, and so a little something for you, a little something for Rob, a little something for the studio.

But before

I

show you, I went and full disclosure.

I went and met and visited Robert.

Robert the doll.

Robert the doll.

Robert the haunted doll.

Robert the haunted doll, the most haunted doll in the world, apparently.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I went and visited him.

There is definitely something off.

Yeah.

No question about it.

You know,

he was very nice.

I talked to him.

I apologized for what Henry said about him on the show.

And when the mics cut out and stuff like that, I apologized.

I brought him some of my merch.

I have actually some of my merch was I got biggest baby merch, you know, that I sell at the shows, but I actually made like child-sized shirts for like my relatives and I had extra.

So I brought like a child's

Ed Larson biggest baby shirt for Robert.

I told him he doesn't have to wear it.

No, he doesn't want to, but you know, it's his.

I wrote him a little note from last podcast and I left thanking him for his contribution to our show.

It's very good.

And he was great.

And I asked for permission before we filmed him.

And then he, I assuming he said yes.

And we, uh, we filmed him, uh, me and him talking for a little bit.

And he was very sweet.

I really think that he's been, he was, he really helped me.

get through those last three shows because I was so tired at the end of the tour and the power of Robert really because that first show in Key West the Friday it was good but it was like my worst show yeah and because I was beat because after those two shows in Orlando without Henry and then those long ass meet and greets and shit, I was the, I was working hard.

I'm one hour asleep, you know, I was all fucked up.

And then Saturday morning, I woke up.

I was like, we need to go see Robert and make sure everything's okay.

And, you know, because I might have sensed that we were in town.

Yeah, you can't go to Key West and not go see Robert.

Yeah.

So I went and saw Robert.

And also, I got us for the studio, I got us a recreation of Robert.

But Rob,

before I take him out, you know, please say something nice to Robert because I showed Robert our Robert and I wanted to make sure that like he knew like, you know, so part of Robert might be with me right now.

So just say, just ask him if it's okay that we put we put him on camera and he lives at the studio and stuff like that.

Hey, Robert, just wondering if I can put you on camera and if we can talk about you on side stories.

Totally going to be nice.

Not going to say anything rude or inappropriate about you.

And he'll keep asking if we can have him in here.

And can we have you in the studio, please?

I think he says yes.

All right.

So, I also, I brought him on stage with me every night, and then, like, I kept asking him if my jokes were funny.

No one in the audience really got it, but I had a great time.

So, here's our own Robert.

Yes,

this is ours.

He is a star already.

He came, yeah,

he was on stage all weekend.

He was amazing.

He did a great job.

He was a good good boy.

I said goodnight to him.

I apologize that I made him sleep at the comedy club.

Shout out to Comedy Key West for letting Robert crash there all weekend.

And he was really appreciative.

I gave him, he's got his box here, but he's going to, he'll join us in the background at the studio.

Thank you, Robert, for everything you do.

I really appreciate everything, buddy.

Thank you very much, Robert.

You've been a very good sport about all of this.

So thank you, Robert.

Now, the real Robert the Dahl I met, first of all, all thank you steve for all the work that you do over there um make sure you go visit robert the doll over at the fort east martello museum which is the fort zachary first of all robert is like far from the most haunted thing in that museum oh yeah yeah it is like it was a civil war uh like fort and a lot of people don't know this but Key West fought for the Union.

I had no clue.

I never think of Florida as a Civil War battleground at all.

Yeah, no, I don't think there was much battling there, but they had a fort in case something happened.

Sure.

But they got hit also later on after the Civil War, they got hit really hard with the

flu, with the Spanish flu.

Yeah.

And lots of bodies were, that's where they put all the bodies.

I'd heard that.

And they were like stacked up and like in yellow fever.

That's what it was.

And it was, they were stacked up from ceiling.

And then you're walking through all these, like, and it's empty now.

They didn't put nothing where the bodies were.

And it's cold.

It was 100 degrees outside.

It was cold in there.

And it was fucking scary.

And this other, and then so Steve, who works the front gate, he was like, he loved that, you know, I was into this shit.

Yeah, because usually it's just people walking around that are drunk and shit.

And he was, he was like, fuck it, you won't go.

You know,

well,

sometimes people don't know about me.

When I'm in drinking day drink, especially, I love

museums.

And

that's just it because you get knowledge and it's power, and we just gotta go.

Yes, in there.

Let me see the doll.

Let me see, Robert.

I always say I'm gonna cock him and kiss him.

But yeah, no, so so many people have wrote letters and they show all the letters and stuff like that.

I wrote on the chalkboard for us and stuff, and I gave a letter.

So I think they're gonna present our letter to Robert, which is good.

But there's lots of interesting things I learned about Robert.

I forgot that inside Robert is the soul of a little girl, not a little boy.

Yeah.

Yeah, which

I forgot until I got there.

And I was like, okay, good to know.

Recently, you ever hear of Fantasy Fest?

No.

So in Key West, there's like this thing every year called Fantasy Fest.

And it's like when a bunch of fucking big fat

Floridians get together and fuck each other in front of everybody.

And it's nudists.

It's all a bunch of nudists.

Everyone's walking around with big, big old saggy painted titties and shit.

It's that kind of fantasy fest.

I had an entirely different thing put in my mind.

I thought it was going to be like fantasy novels, a bunch of people dressed up as Gandal.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's fucking.

And so

in Hawaii, real quick and quiet, like I was, we were asking our tour guy, I was like, hey, well, what do we, you know, what's a cool thing to do around?

And you're just like, there's a couple of new beaches.

There's one of them.

It's called Secrets.

You can go to that one.

Like that, that's a new beach.

There's another one, though.

People are going to be fucking.

Just so you know, people are going to be fucking like out in the open.

I'm like, I was talking about a bar.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's a new bar you should go to.

In a key west, there is one called the Garden of Eden.

Don't go there.

The people are the same people who go to fantasy fests.

But so last year, they had

Robert was commissioned to lead fantasy fests.

And everyone was so worried because they want to be able to take pictures and shit.

And they were really worried that if Robert was leading Fantasy Fests, that they wouldn't be allowed to take pictures.

So what they did was they made an exact replica of Robert.

And then they took the replica to Robert and then said, Robert,

would you please, if you want to come to the parade, feel free to enter this stall.

I will bring the stall to the parade.

And then when the parade is over, I will bring it back and

you can enter back into Robert.

And they claimed that they did that.

Fantasy Fest went off without a hitch.

It was a great time.

No one died.

No one got run over by a parade float.

And yeah, yeah, David Sloan, great guy.

And then he was the Grand Marshal with Robert.

And what happened?

And then he came back.

And then he said when he put Robert back into the doll or the little girl back into Robert,

that he heard a little giggle.

Aw.

And that I guess that signifies that Robert had a good time.

That's funny.

This is the first time I saw this ad up here for the whole thing for Fantasy Fest.

It's the first time a haunted doll has ever been sponsored by Bud Light.

Florida, baby.

Oh, Oh, what a great time.

Bud Light presents.

Robert, the doll.

Yeah, so Robert was great.

He was a grand marshal of Fantasy Fest.

But that place, like the dude Steve, he was showing me all these videos, like legitimate videos of orbs that he gets when he's closing down at night and stuff.

Cool.

But then there's also videos where the lights are flickering, and then he'll be like, and then you hear him go, if you're here, flicker the lights.

Like the lights are already flickering.

So it's like, you know, it's, you know, take what you will.

Of course.

he also had this app on his phone called Ghost Vox or something like that.

Okay.

Where you can like talk to the ghosts and they can respond to you through an app on your phone.

I don't know how true it was, but it was always

interesting.

Yeah, I haven't heard of Ghost Vox.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ghost Vox, maybe, not Box.

But yeah, no, it was a, yeah, I don't, I never heard of it before, but he had it and he loved using it.

And, you know, shout out to Steve and all the work you do down there at

the Fort East Martello Museum and keeping Robert safe.

And I was so happy to meet him.

And I, Julie, I introduced him to Julie.

She didn't like Robert as much as I did, but she understood where my love is, but she said it is getting a little obsessive.

Just your love for Robert the doll in particular.

Yes.

Okay, not just in general paranormal.

It's just like you're really focusing in on this one haunted doll.

I like Robert.

Robert's my guy.

We're in.

No, I've, I've, we formed a bond and, you know, that's it.

You know, I get it.

I get it.

And he's here.

I'm sad that there won't be at home, but I got a keychain, but I got, I got you something.

I got Rob something.

Now, Rob, I got you this.

This is a sticker that says protected by Robert.

And because he shut off our equipment that one time.

So I want to make sure that you have your, you know, that you're protected by Robert.

That's nice.

And then I got you this, Marcus.

Robert did it.

Oh, that's awesome.

Magnet for your fridge, you know.

And then also, I got you this.

I also went to the

Ernest Hemingway house and museum, which is down there.

And I got you a pen

because you're such a great writer.

Oh, thank you, and uh, I figured that would be nice.

And uh, it's speaking lots of cats, it's very sweet, thank you.

Yeah, they were everywhere.

Hemingway's house was a lot of fun, too.

It was interesting, and uh, oh, yeah, Hemingway, yeah, I know it's so funny because Hemingway's got this big, he's like everywhere, but Tennessee Williams also lived down there, and he's just got like a little shack, no one gives a fucking Tennessee.

I love Tennessee Williams.

Come on, give Tennessee some, give them a little bit of love.

But yeah, uh, Key West was amazing.

Go, if you get a chance, go down to Comedy Key West, the great comedy club there, run by Tom Dustin, who's got a new movie out, and he was fucking awesome and very, very, a lot of fun.

Truly Boston.

Joe List made a movie about this man.

I had no idea until I got there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so

I've been known Joe forever.

I know.

I miss Joe so much.

But Florida, I love you.

Invasive species in the bag.

So was my Florida hour.

Now I have to write new jokes, which really is a bummer.

But this week, I got a very special thing happening tomorrow.

I just want to keep people updated as far as like updates go or a pup date.

I'm getting Harley tomorrow.

Oh, the tumor dog.

My tumor dog.

Is it okay for me to call him the tumor dog?

Well, the tumor's gone.

Okay, so they removed it.

Former tumor dog.

Yeah, and the rescue, the rescue made this, like, they showed like this graphic fucking video of the tumor getting removed, like full surgery channel, like crazy.

Like, and the tumor is like, I'll show you the video.

You're going to love it.

Oh, yeah, no, I love this shit.

The tumor is literally bigger than Tootsie.

Wow.

It's 19 and a half pounds that they lifted off of Harley.

Man, that's, yeah, yeah.

That is about, that's only six pounds off from being as heavy as Georgie.

Yeah.

And so now, like, so this, so now Harley is like an ox now.

She's fucking killing it.

Uh, we get her tomorrow.

Her staples come out, and then she comes over to the house, and uh, I'm ready to accept this new dog into my life.

Um, She's a, she, you know, she's definitely a little bit of a hunchback.

It might grow back, you know, so, you know, just to, you know, let her know our house is sanctuary

and, you know, we're putting in a bell and everything's going to be nice.

No, it's great.

No, you know, we just our

dog Frankie, like, you know, Frankie came in with some medical problems.

You know, she still had a cast on her leg and all that from the horrible things she went through before we got her.

But it's great to have a dog that, you know, that's had a little bit of, you know, seen some shit Yeah had some stuff happen to him You know like makes them I think it makes them sweeter No Harley's lived outdoors her whole life I can't wait to give her a bed inside at the foot of mine.

It's gonna be great and she'll get to end her life in my house, which is now doggy hostpice

So that is

they'll have a great she'll have a great end of her life with me and maybe

you know Robert will bless her.

But speaking of which I can't move on from this just yet.

I have one more question.

Oh, any all you got?

are you gonna eventually have your own pet cemetery

if you're gonna be the dog hospice i mean you're the one that's gonna you know you're the one that's got these dogs at the end am i gonna have to eat my words on uh chad vallows pet cemetery because i because the way things are going in two years i'm gonna have three dead dogs back there

i mean i i have rambo's ashes i haven't i don't know if i'm gonna bury it or not sure you know and so I don't know what's going to, if I'm going to bury Rambo or not, but I do have his ashes.

You know, I think maybe I could mix them with, you know, something.

And, you know, maybe he'll like that.

Maybe

put it at a skate park so we can haunt the skate park or something because he hated skateboarders so much.

Yeah, that's true.

But yeah, no, that is a good question.

Yeah, I think we could do a little pet cemetery back there.

We can think about it.

I got room.

I'll co-invest.

Oh,

man.

I've always wanted to own a cemetery.

It seems like there's a lot of

problems with that.

But a pet cemetery, less.

We have to spell it wrong on purpose.

Yeah, we have to.

Yeah, yeah, you're going to have one.

And someone did, Mr.

Pastrami, my buddy, did buy me a Rambo like grave rock.

So I already got the stone.

And then, you know, but when I move, because I do rent, I don't own.

So when I do move, I will move the stone and not the body.

That is true.

Yeah, which is fine.

Which is fine.

We'll let Rambo haunt that backyard.

But if you want your own adopted dog, come to Last Puppy Benefit on the Left.

It's going to be Friday, May 23rd, 7 p.m.

to 10 p.m.

Or at the Masonic Temple in Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

We are doing this with

Pups Without Borders.

No Dogs in Space is going to perform.

We got some other members of the Last Podcast Network are going to perform.

Come hang out.

The first hour, we're hanging with puppies.

Yeah.

And then we're going to fucking chill.

We're going to have some drinks.

We're going to get, hang out with puppies.

We're going to have some drinks.

And then we're going to tell a bunch of murder stories.

Yeah.

And like, what's a better time than that?

It's going to be a fantastic time.

And this is the

Pups Without Borders.

That's where we got our little Frankie,

which is how we got hooked up with them.

They're an incredible organization.

They really care about what they do.

And

this is a charity show.

Yes.

But it's going to be a show and a hangout all at the same time.

Absolutely.

And there's going to be puppies there.

And I've been to one of their, I've been to one of their events before, and it was a great time.

So yeah, come on out.

Come hang out with us.

Come hang out with the puppies.

Come get those like silent, awesome like silent auction items that we got coming up that we're going to announce.

But it's a cool shit.

That's the last time I was there, I won a silent auction.

They had a painting that looked like John Wayne Gacy and a bunch of dogs in the circus.

Oh.

Yeah, you know that one that's hanging in my living room?

Oh, that's so nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got that at the silent auction.

We're going to have a silent auction here.

You're going to be able to win a dinner with Ron Perlman.

Yeah.

Yeah, which is wild.

And then we're gonna put it, we're gonna donate some stuff.

We don't know what we're donating yet, but we're gonna donate some stuff for the silent auction as well.

And it's gonna be a fucking blast.

I really can't wait to do this.

I love the Masonic Temple.

Shout out to them over.

We did a side story there for the Netflix is the Joke Festival, and it was fucking hot, dude.

It was wild.

So that's it's a great place to see a show, great place to hang out.

You can go visit Toto's grave.

Yeah.

You know, lots of dog stuff all at once.

You could also go visit Jane Mansfield's grave, who died in a car accident with her four Chihuahuas.

There you go.

Yeah.

There you go.

The Chihuahuas are not buried with her.

You know who else is buried there?

Brand new.

Hot in the ground.

David Lynch.

That's right.

Yeah, so we can go see his fucking ass.

No, it's good.

There's so many cool people.

Like, Dee Dee Ramones buried there.

Johnny Ramon's got a, he has a grave there, but he's not buried there.

Really?

Yeah, that's just a memorial.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

His body's not there.

Didi's there, though.

Oh, well, fuck my picture then.

Mylon Nermi's there.

The original Vampira.

Nice.

She's there.

Mel Blank, voice of Bugs Bunny.

Judy Garland.

Judy Garland.

Ima Sumak, one of my favorite singers of all time.

Oh, have you ever listened to Ima Sumak?

No, I haven't.

Oh, we got a night ahead of us.

Nice.

Oh, we got a night ahead of us for Ima Sumak.

She's this incredible singer that has like an eight octave range.

They build her.

She's from the 50s.

They build her as like a lost Mayan princess because all of her music is very like South American, but it's got, it's very exotica.

Cool.

Turns out, Queens.

Whoa.

I mean, Queens, most, you know, what is it?

The,

how do they represent Queens?

It's the most culturally diverse neighborhood in the world.

Yeah, but she's definitely not a Mayan princess.

What are you going to do?

I mean, it's the 50s.

It's good press.

Yeah, it's great press.

Yeah.

I mean, I love that octave range.

I've been getting real in a mini reperto lately.

Oh, yeah.

And so, yeah, feed me to it.

Oh, also,

another dog

kind of adjacent in Hollywood Forever, Humphrey Bogart.

Humphrey hasn't humped the legs, you know, but and that's free.

You can pay for it.

Well, this is side stories.

We have to get the stories eventually.

But it's been wonderful catching up with you.

It's been a great catching up.

I thought you had a great trip, and I as well.

I'm very happy that the Florida tour went off.

Great.

Oh, man.

I can't wait to do more shows, but it's going to be a lot of of fun.

We got an update.

Yeah.

One update for

all of you listeners.

They found another victim of Her Baumeister.

Yeah, they have identified the 10th victim found on the farm.

The 10th out of, I think they assume about 25.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I mean, it takes forever with all those little fragments.

Yeah.

The man, Daniel Thomas Halloran of Indianapolis was identified through genealogy match.

He's the second victim to be identified since Hamilton County coroner Jeff Jellison reopened the investigation into the disappearance of dozens of men from the early to mid-1990s and the 10th known victim overall.

But yeah,

so it could be up to 25.

It could be, they think it's up to 25 people that he killed.

Yeah, quite possibly.

I mean, you never really know.

It's just how many bone fragments they found.

And they can also kind of cross-reference that.

with like the amount of like disappearances, you know, people that were reported missing around the time that he's known to have murdered men.

Yeah.

But yeah, it's they think around 25.

And it's not like you can just find DNA to someone who went missing in the 1990s, right?

To like cross-examine, right?

No, I think from my understanding of this case, if you have like an old hat or something, you might get lucky.

Yeah, well, it's familial DNA at this point

is mostly what they have.

So the other problem with that is that you do have to have a family to come forward and give DNA, like a family like, you know, someone who's been, like, for example, like this guy, you know, was reported missing.

He went missing in August of 1993.

But he was reported late.

They don't even know what day he actually went missing because like he just didn't come home and he had a two-year-old daughter.

And I guess the wife was just like, oh, you know, I guess he ran off.

Yeah.

You know, and so I'm sure that's probably happened a bunch of times.

Yes.

It happens so often.

Yeah.

It happens with kids.

It happens with husbands.

It happens with wives, especially in the 70s and 80s and 90s.

Like, yeah, they just ran off because it's not like today where, you know, we're all kind of tracked and we know where everyone is.

And it feels like that you owe it to everybody to let them know that you're actually alive.

But back then, yeah, guy could just disappear

and never be seen again.

But no, they've gone through, and I think they did some familial samples and identified the guy as Daniel Thomas Halloran.

Yes.

And it said when Jealouson learned of Halloran's mother had died of a drug overdose two years ago, he checked with Marion County Coroner's Office to see if they handled the case.

They had, and they had kept a DNA swab in their files.

That swab confirmed Texas Labs finding that Jellicon subsequently found a living relative, a daughter,

who was two when her father went missing.

So crazy.

Yeah.

And to get that closure now, like 30 something years later, is fucking nuts.

It is.

And you know, it also does, it begs the question of like, would you rather know that your father had been murdered by a serial killer quite brutally, uh, or that he just ran off and he's kind of a fuck-up?

I think I'd rather know that I think knowing that he was murdered is oddly more comforting.

Yeah, it's more comforting for you, yes, but for the dad.

No, way worse,

way worse, go bowling forever, you know.

Because that's the thing, he could have lived like a, you know, a happy life, but no, no, it was a, just a terrible end, yeah, because Herb Baumeister was not known for quick murders.

Yeah, this guy, I mean, he looks very much like Theo Vaughn.

He does.

And

I'm sure Herb loved him, unfortunately.

Yeah,

the guy that he got a Kenny Powers look about him.

Yeah, for sure.

He's got a mullet and a tiny mustache.

Is that a mullet or is he just standing in front of a Christmas tree?

One or the other.

Either way,

he fits in, that's for sure.

He does.

He does.

Oh, well,

I'm glad that that was figured out, and I hope they find some more.

If

you have a dad who went missing in the Indianapolis area in the 90s, maybe you should hit up Jellicon, find out if maybe

it happened.

Figure it out.

They got lots of bones.

They don't know what the fuck they're doing with.

I mean, they've only got, yeah, 10 identified out of like about 25.

But, you know, I mean, there are some of these guys, you know, there's still a few of John Wayne Gacy's victims.

We still don't know who they are.

Yeah.

A fair amount.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

And definitely a few of Dean Croll's victims we don't know, you know, out of his 27.

Yeah.

There's a, yeah, there's most of the time, like when you find those mass graves,

there's going to be quite a few guys.

Yeah.

You just never.

Well, at least killed back then.

And Gacy traveled, you know, he could have dumped bodies.

You know, it's not like he's going to bring someone back from California to bury them in, you know, Illinois.

Nope.

No.

You know, and so

you never know what happened with these fucking guys.

It's terrifying.

Nope.

33 is just what we know about.

Wow.

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Hey, Eddie.

What?

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But speaking of bodies, I got this.

I love this story because I love a mummy story and I love an embalming story.

Okay.

Because I find embalming and like funeral practices absolutely fascinating.

I almost, like, that was my, I had like kind of a crossroads where it's either like go, like, stay in radio and broadcasting or go into embalming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, go into funeral services.

And, you know, I, I chose this, which I think is the right choice.

It was the correct choice, but, you know, I like, you know, I, I, for me, it was butcher.

I wish I would have learned to be a butcher, but, you know, I wasn't, and now it can just be a hobby.

So if anyone dies and wants to donate their body to Marcus, he'll fucking play with it.

You know what?

I'll play with it.

I'll fucking stick a tube in your ass.

We'll mummify you, fucking tushy.

I'll suck out all your bullshit and fucking put it in a bucket, throw it in my backyard.

So what's the deal with this mummy?

The mystery of a mummy from an Austrian village has been solved, according to researchers who say it was embalmed in an unexpected way via the rectum.

Ooh!

Never heard of rectal embalming before.

They say this is the first known case of rectal embalming.

Okay, now I know that they like put like formaldehyde 3 and stuff like that for embalming.

Well, what is the embalming process?

I don't even really know.

Well, this is 1746.

So this is long before like modern embalming.

Modern embalming didn't come about until the Civil War, the American Civil War, because there were so many people that were dying way back, you know, so far away from home.

The families wanted the bodies transported back so they could be buried wherever it was that they were from.

And so the idea of modern embalming, which is taking out a lot of the guts, taking out like replacing the blood with like preserving fluids, like preservatives and all that, like you're kind of switching out the blood for one, you're switching out one thing for another.

Do you take out like the kidneys and shit, or you leave them in there?

You know what?

I actually can't remember.

I can't remember if you take out like all, like all of the guts.

Sidestories, L-P-O-T-L, at gmail.com.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't remember if you take out the guts.

Okay.

No, mummies don't have guts.

No, no, no, no.

Mummies, no, mummies.

See, that's the difference.

We're just talking about normal embalming.

Yeah, yeah, the difference between normal embalming and like mummies are definitely like all the guts are gone.

Okay.

And this guy, all of the guts were gone.

But the thing is, but the reason why it was a mystery was because when they found this body, they think that the body is the preserved corpse of an aristocratic vicar named Franz Xavier Sidler von Roseneg.

Cool.

Yeah.

Or Roseneg.

Yeah.

Franz Xavier Siddler von Roseneg.

Yeah, they were redoing his tomb.

Like, they had to do some reconstruction on it.

And they found the body and figure like, ah, fuck it.

Let's see what's inside.

And so they did some CT scans of it and found that it was hollow inside.

So they're like, oh, he's been...

And also, he'd obviously been mummified.

You look at the body.

It's like, oh, this body's definitely been mummified.

But through the butt.

That's the thing.

They didn't see any kind of holes or like entry points where they may have, you know, gotten, where they may have like pulled out any of the organs or anything like that.

So so they sucked out his organs organs through his ass

well

the robots sucked out yeah but i don't know they didn't have vacuums back then they didn't no no no no because i actually for a while when i first read the story like i saw mummy and rectum and mystery and air dry and the way all of the words were put together i also saw via vacuum yeah not via rectum via vacuum that's that's what i would think yeah no but you can actually even see in this picture here, you can see there's actually a little bit of a, there's a little tuft coming out of his butthole.

Yeah, there is a little something in there.

Like that must have been a cork or something.

That had to have been because they would have had to have stretch it out pretty good in order to pull out all of the organs via the butthole and not just pull out all of the organs via the butthole, but putting in wood chips, fragmented twigs, hemp and silk fabrics, and zinc.

So they taxidermied him.

Yeah, and zinc chloride.

Crazy.

Yeah, they taxidermied him.

And they probably did the, I'm sure the brain and all that, they did the old Egyptian way of putting the hook in through the nose and pulling that out.

Oh, so they took the brain out too?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking nuts.

Yeah, Max.

All that shit stinks.

Man, so why do you do?

How do you think they did it?

Do you think they did like the whole like stuck a little thing in there and like swished it or like stuck a sword up there and like swished it around, chopped it up good and then got that out?

Or do you think they just pulled the intestines like a rope?

They might have just got a hook.

I would imagine it's all hooks.

Yeah.

If they did the hooks the same way that they did the, you know, the brain, i would imagine it's yeah sticking a hook up in there but they may have i don't know blended it uh and then yeah like it's not like siphoning gas robot and they're like all right now it's flowing just let it flow out just let it go just turn him into a big joint man

i gotta say great teeth Yeah, for a 17th century man

holding up to this day, great teeth.

Incredible teeth.

Well, he was a vicar.

He lived a life of luxury, basically.

In comparison to other 17th century people,

he definitely lived a cushy life.

They even found him, he was wearing his pointed shoes.

He had

his tobacco pipe.

And they just found that his body was in incredible shape overall.

But yeah, he did live a much better life than most people did back then.

Rob, can you zoom in on the penis for me?

I'm just curious.

The penis area.

There's hardly anything left.

Do you think it fell?

Oh, no, it's there.

It's there.

Oh, it is there.

It is there.

Wow.

Okay.

It looks sort of cocooned.

I mean, of course, it's deflated.

You know, it only got emptied, but yeah, it's still there.

Yeah.

All right.

Uncircumcised.

Good to know.

I should hope so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

All right.

Sticks in a round.

Sticking around.

Sticking around.

Just put them up.

Put them up in there.

I got something that oddly, I was going to have you go twice in a row, but this, one of my stories kind of goes into what we've already been talking about.

Um, Pittsburgh funeral homeowner allegedly dumped pets in a landfill after charging for the cremation.

This is terrible.

What a fucking asshole.

I mean, like, come on, like, just do your job.

Yeah, it's got to be easier.

Why do you, yeah, it's got to be easier than driving all the way out to the landfill and dumping a bunch of dogs out the fucking.

So, this guy, all right, so this comes from

whatchamacallit, from a WTAE, which is a Pittsburgh affiliate action news.

A Pittsburgh funeral home owner is accused of stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from people who paid for pet burial and cremation services.

According to Pennsylvania Attorney General, thousands of dogs and cats were improperly disposed of after the owners paid for the cremation, burials, and other services.

This guy collected over $650,000 between 2021 and 2024 from people, and then he just took the dogs and the cats and he threw them in the trash

instead of giving people what they deserved, which is some comfort.

So it's crazy that this man did this, but he finally got caught.

You just can't throw dogs in the trash.

No, you can't.

You can't throw dogs.

You can't throw cats.

You can't throw birds.

You can't just throw an animal in the trash.

More than 6,500 victims have already been identified.

So this, I mean, don't go to the dump in Pittsburgh.

I mean, we all know that Pittsburgh, well, we all know that the fucking dumps are lands of wonder and whimsy and joy, and you can find many wonderful things at the dump.

Did you ever, did your dad ever take you to the dump when you were a kid?

I did.

I went to the dump once.

My dad, I don't know why the fuck my dad brought me to the dump.

Yeah.

I went to Mount Pompano, we call it.

The only hill in all of Broward County is a giant fucking dump.

And I tell you what, those seagulls are the size of Buicks up there.

Okay, that's different.

You got to deal with seagulls in Florida.

So that's, you got wildlife at the dumps.

Yeah.

Besides the rats.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad used to take me to the dump all the time when I was a kid.

It was fucking fantastic.

You go to shoot the rats?

No, we just went to look and to dump.

We had to dump our stuff because, you know, we lived in, you know, I lived in rural Texas.

We didn't really have.

We didn't get like a dumpster until I was in like high school.

So you had to take your trash somewhere.

Yeah.

And there was no, of course, like no local pickup.

So yeah, we had to take trips, regular trips to the dump to get rid of our trash, like, meh, once every couple weeks.

why the was i at the dump like we were at the top and like we weren't like dumping something we were like talking to somebody yeah and my dad was like had a deal with someone at the dump dad had a guy at the dump there was like something i don't know what it was like he had like business at the dump and i had to go with him

you're gonna try you're gonna go to sleep tonight and you're gonna be thinking about this some some awful memory is gonna unlock that you had forgotten about and it's just like oh i do but yeah the core memory is just blown away by the size of the seagulls.

Just like, I just remember just being like, those are big fucking.

And my dad was laughing his ass off.

Yeah, no, I mean, I don't think my dad was.

I mean, my dad was involved with like some minor thievery, but nothing crazy illegal.

It's not like he was like a murderer or anything like that.

No.

So it's a, I wonder why the fuck I was at that dump.

To the bottom of this.

But yeah, this case was disturbing and what caused devastation and heartache to many Pennsylvanians.

Attorney General Dave Sunday said, our pets are members of our families, and this defendant betrayed and agonized pet owners who entrusted him to provide dignified services for their beloved cats and dogs.

I know, as someone who just got their dog's ashes,

I don't know how much I would care.

If it was not his actual ashes, yeah.

I definitely, not lawsuit care.

Yeah, not definitely not lawsuit care.

I'd be pissed.

I'd want to like punch the guy.

Yeah, angry phone call care.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't know.

Like, I understand, but, like, why do we even get it?

Why do we get them back?

I guess it's just we romanticize it a lot.

Yeah, yeah, I, you know, when, when my dogs die, I'd think, you know what?

I don't know if I'd want my ash, the ashes of the dog.

Now that I, in the moment, you're like, yeah, give them to me, you know, but like, now I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with these things?

Yeah, I'd actually rather, I think, yeah, I, it never even, honestly, it never even occurred to me that I would get the dog's ashes back.

Yeah.

Like, it's just, you got, I thought you just called a guy.

That's what they should do.

Because I haven't had a, I haven't had a pet die since I lived in Texas and you just bury them.

Yes, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, when I was in high school, but different times.

Yeah, you just bury the dog out back.

But now we live in a city

and I can't just bury the dog.

No.

No, you can't just bury the dog.

Because one time I'd buried a dog and I didn't bury it deep enough.

Yes.

Yeah.

And the animals come.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, the thing is, the animals didn't come, but I buried them right outside my window.

And I didn't bury him deep enough.

And so over, and it was the middle of summer.

It's Texas summer, so it's like 100 degrees outside.

And so just the smell started getting like worse and worse and worse and worse.

Sometimes they come back.

Yeah, so well, I had to go dig up the dog.

Me and my friend Gary.

Like, I'd be like, yeah, my friend Gary Strickland.

Man.

Shout out to Gary.

Gary was a fucking good friend.

Good friend.

Gary was a fucking solid, solid friend.

Gary helped me out that day.

I was like, dude, I got to dig up my dog.

Come help me.

He's like, all right, fine.

Yeah, these, yeah, Gary's rider die.

Wow.

But yeah,

we had to dig up the dog.

And instead of digging a new grave for him, because I couldn't really, like, it was just,

we just kind of put him out in a pasture.

A little further out.

A little further out.

Baumeistered him.

Yeah, we bowed.

Actually, we did Baumeister him.

Yeah, we did.

We totally baumeistered him.

Like, it was a nice, it was a really nice feel.

It wasn't like a field, like, it wasn't a farm field where they're going to be plowing it up or anything like that.

Like, it was a field.

I mean, yes, he definitely

let we call it a sky burial

where, you know, they're threw him out of a plane and hope for the best.

Well, sky burials are where, you know, people get eaten by birds.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah, they get, yeah, they get eaten by vultures.

That's the best way to do it.

Yeah, you go back to nature.

I wish that's how they did with us.

Yeah.

I feel better about that than just burying or burning me.

At least I'm giving back.

Yeah, because the vultures, they take the bones, everything.

Yeah, of course they do.

So, yeah, it was probably vultures and coyotes that finished him off.

What is this picture, Rob?

It's a skybird.

It's a sky.

That's a human.

Yeah.

We don't don't know.

That is a human.

That's a human.

We know.

It's blurred, but that's a human.

That's definitely a human.

Yeah, that's not a dog.

That's worse.

Yeah, I can see fingers.

But yeah, it's a

Tibetan thing.

It's really big in Tibet, sky burials.

Tibet it is.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

What else is going on in the news?

The other thing that I got is this incredible story out of Australia.

This is a, I mean, this is one of those stories that, you know, I love the show Fatal Vows.

And this is like the most Fatal Vows story there is.

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, marriage is bliss, but divorce is murder.

An Air Force pilot in the RAAF is accused of murdering his wife and staging her death to make it look like a ride-on mower accident.

Whoa!

Yes.

Oh my God.

Yes.

Yes.

He has secured a major court win after a judge ruled he could be released on bail to take care of his ailing mother.

He would be prohibited, and this is the amazing thing about it.

He is a pilot.

So as a part, one of the conditions of his bail is that he is prohibited from coming within 500 meters of an international airport terminal.

Yeah, because he could just fucking fly away.

Yeah, and he can't enter any airfield.

Good.

Yeah.

Wow, how annoying is his mother that they're releasing him to take care of her?

Nobody.

Can't get anyone to fucking go on.

Let him go.

Let him go.

Get him out of here.

Get him out of here.

So he fucking, so he killed his wife and then he ran her over with a lawnmower.

Robert John Crawford is charged with the murder of his wife, Frances Crawford, in southeast Queensland on July 30th, 2024.

Emergency services found the body of Miss Crawford 49 at the base of the property's retaining wall around 3.40 a.m.

near a riding mower.

Apparently, in Australia, they call it a ride-on mower.

Police allege Mr.

Crawford, an RAAF pilot, flew into a murderous rage and fatally strangled his wife before attempting to disguise the crime by placing her body under the mower to make it look like she died in a freak accident.

Oh my God.

He's a ride-on mower.

Yeah,

it's a ride-on mower.

So it would be his fault anyway.

Well, unless, I don't know, riding mowers, you could kill yourself.

Do they go on their own?

They can go on their own.

But on the other hand, no, because they do have, you know, when you stand up from a row.

They're going to hit the lever, right?

Well, when you stand up from a riding mower, it automatically turns off.

Yeah, so either way, he kills.

It's flawed.

Yeah, you can't.

I mean, obviously, it's flawed.

He went to prison.

Well, his trial is coming up.

Oh, like,

he hasn't even gone to trial yet.

This is just

his bail hearing.

Oh, okay.

So it could be an accident then.

And we have to say that.

Well, remember, yeah,

allegedly.

Well, he's also charged with misconduct with a corpse, with police alleging in court documents that Mr.

Crawford moved his wife's body without lawful jurisdiction or excuse.

Mr.

Cook told the court that Mr.

Crawford, Mr.

Cook would be, I think, the DA, allegedly sent messages to himself on his wife's phone after the alleged murder to make it seem like she had gone outside to move the mower before the quote-unquote accident.

The The exchange detailed to the court included Mr.

Crawford reportedly texting, quote, Are you going to put the mower away soon?

Miss Crawford allegedly replies, just give me a sec.

And so he's trying to set up the idea that she's going to.

You could have made her a bitch in that.

One of those.

Just give me a sec.

Right?

Give me a sec.

Fuck.

All right.

I'm under the mower.

She's writing.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my God.

I did not know how much it would hurt to be ran over by a right-on mower.

And oh my God, I am dead now.

Well, the coroner went in and said, like, okay, this woman was definitely strangled to death.

Like, she was, like, they said that she might have died from being run over by the mower, but it was the, you know, manual strangulation.

I'm surprised they could tell after running over her with a mower.

That's the thing.

We don't know how bad the damage actually was because, I mean, it's not dead alive.

Yeah.

He's not, you know she's not kicking ass for the lord and like yeah yeah yeah yeah like it's and it's not you know the sort of like push mower where you got these big blades so she was probably like mutilated but i don't know like did he run over her head did he run over her legs where did he run over the body not well enough definitely not well enough you always run over the part that you destroyed yeah that's you know for you know but that's the thing you only get one shot you can't run her over multiple times because then they're gonna know so if you run it over if you run her over one time, that's the only shot you got.

Wow.

God, what a fucking crazy way to kill somebody.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, really, it's just a mutilation.

Yes, you're right.

Because he did kill her normal.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, he did kill her normal.

But yeah,

it's a hell of an alibi, especially at three in the morning.

No one mows their fucking lawn at three in the morning.

Well, the idea was that she was putting it away.

She was putting it away.

Yeah, and there were also several inconsistencies, unwashed dishes, her rings were left on the kitchen counter, indicated she was still in the middle of her nightly routine.

And the DA argued it made little sense for her to have gone outside near midnight to move a lawnmower.

But, and apparently, this guy was a dick anyway.

Crawford's children expect to be witnesses in the case that they had a bad relationship with their father.

One witness reportedly described Crawford in his statement as controlling and intimidating.

And so now he's going to become a caretaker?

I mean, only one who can handle him.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Well, I hope his mom, you know, is happy that he's there.

He's got a very Australian face.

He really does.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's that Australian face.

Like, why do Australians have such big heads and such tiny ears?

It's true.

Think about it.

Yeah.

It's a very Australian thing.

I mean, he is classically attractive.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, no, for sure.

He's definitely like a good-looking man, but yeah, no, that's true.

Side stories LPOTL at gmail.com.

If you can answer why Australian,

specifically Australian men, have big heads and tiny ears.

I guess there's just less to hear out there.

Yes, there is.

Well,

we're coming close on some time, but I wanted to rapid fire go through some animal stories.

There's some interesting stuff happening around.

First one is in Ohio, which is this one.

It's just too much fun to not bring up.

And, you know, to find fun.

But

so a police officer in Ohio was shocked to find a raccoon holding a meth pipe after following its owner's arrest.

This guy pulled over this woman, and she had a raccoon who was legally her raccoon.

Yeah, she had the paperwork for the raccoon, but she did not have paperwork for all the meth that she had.

And then, when the cop took her out of the car, the raccoon got a little frisky and grabbed the meth pipe, and we got some footage of it.

Let's see it.

Oh,

hey,

Come here.

Hello.

The raccoon has her meth pipe.

Oh, my God.

Her meth pipe.

He's playing with the meth pipe right now.

No, don't reach for it.

That's evidence now.

I don't want him to have that.

Well, that's why I'm going to do it.

Hey, buddy.

He does seem like a nice raccoon.

Okay, you're on island.

He'll be here in two minutes.

I'm right across from my hall.

Yeah, this is what she's smoking meth in.

Okay.

The raccoon play with her meth pipe.

All right.

He's got another one now.

Yeah.

He's got two meth pipe.

Oh, there's no way.

Yeah, and the raccoon found another one and immediately put it to its mouth.

There's no way.

All right.

All right.

Enough fun and games.

I guess it's safe to assume that this raccoon has done meth before.

But it seems pretty calm.

Yeah, I think it was eating meth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And you don't know if like it's smoked, but well, he's he's probably just they might have blown smoke in its face.

Yes.

I mean, who knows what happened?

I'm sorry that this woman got addicted to drugs and was so loosey-goosey with them that her raccoon was playing with her meth pipe during a traffic stop.

But, you know.

Not just loosey-goosey, but that she smokes enough meth to drive around with multiple meth pipes.

Yeah.

And one was very used and one was just, you know, brand new.

As someone who used to drive and smoke weed, I only had one pipe with me.

Yeah.

So, and that's, you know, maybe that's the difference between weed and meth.

But the.

Yeah, meth, you don't want to get like caught flat-footed.

Yeah.

Always be ready.

Oh, and the raccoon's name is Chewy.

Oh, Chewy.

Well, I hope they don't euthanize you, Chewy.

While our officers are trained to expect the unexpected, finding a raccoon holding a meth pipe is a first.

No raccoons were hurt or injured in the incident.

Thank God.

Always, we remain committed to keeping our community safe, no matter what surprises come our way.

So thank you to the Cuyahoga Falls Police Department.

I guess that's outside of Cleveland.

That checks out.

Yep.

And,

you know,

shout out to Travis Irvine.

Yeah.

Our own Ohio raccoon that works here.

And he doesn't do meth.

And so that's good.

Does not.

And as far as I know, never has.

Yeah, never has.

Yeah.

And speaking of Cleveland, we'll see you on November 29th.

We're going to be at the Masonic Temple.

Can't wait to come play a show for you.

The full last podcast on the left show, Cleveland, Ohio, Masonic Temple.

Saturday, November 29th.

Go to lastpodcastonthelf.com for tickets to that show and many more.

Yeah, that's the Saturday directly after Thanksgiving.

So that's going to be a lot of fun.

I'm actually going to be going to visit my family in Cincinnati and then drive on over, go to Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and then do a show for you fucking wild cheeseburger-loving fucks.

So while I was in Florida, real quick, I just want to say, like, there were crazy animal deaths.

The first black bear kill in Florida happened in Naples when I was in Naples.

This is nuts.

Yeah, no, a black bear killed a man and his dog.

It is there has been multiple bear attacks in Florida before, but this is the first bear officially killing somebody in Florida.

And eating them.

Yeah, and a black bear, it's usually not black bears are supposedly the most chill of the bears.

Yeah, don't you just have to shout at a black bear and you say, Yeah, you ring a bell.

I was walking my friend's dog and I was like, there's a bell.

what's the bell for and they're like oh when you see a bear you you ring the bell i was like well you walk your dog and um yeah but the black it was uh weighing close to 300 pounds that's not even on that yeah you know and so that's not even that big of a bear but it did fucking kill this old man 89 year old man that's the main that's i think that's the he i it would have been he was probably you know he was old uh what a way to go out at 89 by the way i think about that all the time when an old person dies a really grisly or gruesome or bizarre death i do think about that it's like you make it that like and you're like, once you pass like 82, you're like, okay, I'm definitely dying of old age.

Like, I'm definitely dying of a disease.

Like, I'm dying in a bed.

Like,

I've made it.

I'm dying in a bed.

Yeah.

Like, nope, 89.

Bear attack.

Eaten by a bear.

You're retired in the same town as Larry Bird and Bob Seeger.

Judge Judy.

And you fucking get attacked by a bear.

And that's how you go out fucking crazy.

Also,

there was an alligator kill in Florida.

Oh, before I move on, I just wanted to tip you off to this and our listeners at home.

This has not been updated to one of my favorite Wikipedia pages.

So hopefully this gets updated soon.

Anyone who out there who updates Wikipedia, do this for me.

But there is a list of fatal bear attacks in North America, Wikipedia page, and it goes all the way back to the 1780s.

It's a delight.

Each story is better than the last.

I'm just going to pick a random one.

We'll say this one was September 20th, 2005.

2005.

Arthur Louie, a six-year-old male, in Canada near Brown River, British Columbia.

A female and two cubs attacked Louis on a remote forestry road.

He was walking back from his gold mining camp after his car broke down.

There's lots of stories like this.

And

they all got little ones.

And it's always so interesting.

They're mostly in Canada.

Canada is where people get killed by bears the most.

Or Alaska.

But I'll just pick another one.

These are wild.

These are good.

I believe the revenant guy is in here somewhere, too, if you dive deep enough.

But yeah, so we got October 22nd, 1956, Kenneth Scott, 29 male, U.S., near Augusta, Montana.

While elk hunting, a hunter in Scott's group was attacked and the bear was shot and wounded.

When they went back to kill the bear, Scott's gun jammed and the bear mauled him.

So they should have left him alone.

Yeah, you got away.

You went back and the bear killed you.

The bear was later killed by another hunter.

But yeah, each one of these stories are fucking nuts.

Yeah.

I was looking back to Prohibition times because I was going to see if a moonshiner got eaten by a bear.

You never know.

Dr.

Joseph Germain, Olga Gregorchuk,

Jack Thayer.

No, mostly for Forest Service employees.

Actually, it's a lot of Forest Service employees.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Check this one out.

1855, John Grizzly Adams, the man's name, 48 years old, Sierra Nevada, California, professional trapper and trainer of wild animals.

He was badly injured while

injured, dislodging his scalp and leaving a silver dollar hole in his head.

Wow.

He died in 1860 from complications of his scalp wound.

I mean, H story.

They're quick little three-sentence bangers.

Listen to this.

Two-sentence banger.

Frank Welch, 61, September 8th, 1916.

Welch was killed at a camp near Sylvan Pass at Yellowstone National Park while carrying a load of hay and oats.

Men from the camp killed the bear with a dynamite trap.

Damn.

Damn.

Blew up the bear.

All right.

One more.

1850.

Fielding Isaacs, no age.

Fielding was found with his skull crushed in a 1,300-pound grizzly's mouth with his knife broken in the grizzly's neck

and both deceased.

Colonel William Smith, aka Rebel Bill, wrote an autobiography to

detail the incident in his autobiography.

So it could be fake.

Wow.

But yeah, it's just each story is more amazing than the next.

John Deakt, November 29th, 1906.

Thinking the bear was dead, Deakt began skinning it.

The bear immediately awoke and tore off one of Deake's arms.

And then it killed him.

Whoa.

Oh, October 5th, 1908.

That's my birthday.

Oh, wow.

After a bear escaped from a cage at Elysian Grove Pleasure Park in Tucson, Arizona, a woman named Bus Laird ran with her infant child in a go-kart.

The bear grabbed and killed the baby.

No, not the baby.

April 16th, 1956, we got a twofer.

Lloyd Pennington and Everett Kendall, USA, the Copper River Census area of Alaska.

Two men were hunting a spotted bear den near Snowshoe Lake and attempted to lure the bear out, assuming it was weak and hungry, when it came out and killed them both.

A rescue team shot and killed the bear and it was returned

when it refused to back away.

No, sorry they killed the bear.

Yeah, sorry they killed the bear.

you're always sad about that.

You guys, you know, you go to a bear's house and you pick a fight.

I don't know what you think's gonna happen.

It's what my wife always says to me.

It's what Caroline always says when I'm playing video games and I'm going somewhere and I'm fighting somebody, I'm killing a bunch of people.

And she asks, Did you go into his house?

Yeah.

Did you go to where he lives?

And is he now defending his home?

Like, well, maybe, but he would have killed me anyway, as the bandits do.

Then it would just wait.

I go to the bandit's house and I shove a fucking sword into his throat and I set him on fire.

And then I go looking for the other oblivion gates.

Oh, man.

All right.

And finally, a Florida woman was killed by an alligator during a canoeing trip.

She was in Tiger Creek near Lake Kissimmee in Polk County last Tuesday.

She was 61 years old.

She was on the canoe with her husband, and there was an alligator.

It was shallow water, and they hit the gator, which was 11 feet long, and it tipped over the canoe, and the gator killed her.

And the husband, unfortunately, was not able to save her, even though he tried.

That shit fucking happens.

But we did lose a famous alligator.

Big Gator.

Who I really want to,

I think we should shout out to Morris, the 640-pound alligator, believed to have been more than 80 years old and the source of an impressive list of movie and TV credits.

Most famously, he was the alligator from Happy Gilmore.

He's the alligator that took Chubb's hand.

Yes, I can't believe he lived longer than Carl Weathers.

Isn't that the shitter?

Like, yeah.

Kills him in the movie, or not kills him.

You know, I've had technically happy kills him by scaring him with the head of the gator.

But he, you know, kills him, kills him, took his eye.

Yeah, kills him in the movie, and then

he outlives him.

Yeah,

he was also in Alligator 1 and Alligator 2.

Interview with the vampire Dr.

Doolittle Eraser.

Great alligator scene in Eraser.

That is a fantastic alligator scene.

Great alligator scene.

And also Blues Brothers 2000.

Don't remember the alligator in Blues Brothers 2000.

I don't remember Blues Brothers 2000.

Well, I mean, I know it exists, but the plot escapes me.

As it should.

So, Morris, shout out to you.

This episode is dedicated to you and Henry's father.

May you be reunited and held together.

Morris does.

Who gets top billing?

I mean, unfortunately, Henry's dad was almost in daylight.

That is true.

He was almost the Sylvester Stallone tunnel rescue film.

Yeah.

He was almost in that they filmed a scene but they ended up cutting it uh so i got top billing goes to morris all right all right yeah but um henry's dad also shout out to you we love you so much henry senior big shout out um but yeah you're sick of plays to morrow

i mean come on morris was on coach yeah so i mean coach it's a great show night court leno you know he done a lot he's done lots of good work um and we could all hope for a 20-year retirement we really could you know yeah in florida yeah so Or no, this is Colorado.

He was in Colorado.

I would rather retire in Colorado than Florida.

No.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, it's not.

I mean, it's a better place as far as

humanity goes.

But as far as fun and having a great time, I mean, nothing's better than Florida.

I just realized that.

I miss my home so much, and I had a great time there.

No matter how horrible it may be, you're my horrible.

And I'll be with you forever, Florida.

And one last quote from the story covering the Gator that died in Colorado.

He died in a Gator reserve that these guys put together

because they had a fish farm and didn't know what to do with all their leftover fish heads.

So they started rescuing Gators and

they built a little park around it.

And they said in an update on Monday, they announced we have decided to get Morris taxidermied so that he can continue to scare children for years to come.

It's what he would have wanted.

Yes, absolutely.

taxidermy, everybody.

I am like, it's a very taxidermy, heavy episode.

Lots of animals.

We love you guys.

Oh, we have one listener male.

I'll get to it real fast.

I'll read it real fast.

But this is, it was very nice.

Scared Stupid.

Listening to the Last Side Stories episode about alien movies, Henry mentioned in inadvertent scary movies that left lasting impression from our childhoods.

Mine, unabashedly, is Ernest Scared Stupid.

Yeah.

Hear me.

It scared the fuck out of me, too, by the way.

I loved Ernest Scared Stupid.

It's the best one, isn't it?

Oh, easily.

Yeah, I loved it so much because I loved Ernest and I loved horror movies.

Yeah.

It was the first movie that I ever watched and then immediately rewound and watched a second time.

Those trolls were fucking nasty, too.

They were very scary.

All the snot, and Ernest was very funny.

Oh, yeah.

Hear me out.

While visiting some cousins in South Jersey, I was invited to watch this movie.

As the only kid in the house and undoubtedly getting on everyone's nerves, I was set down in front of an old TV to watch this movie.

Short of recapping the whole plot, I was scared, stupid.

To put it plainly, this movie

made me afraid of the dark.

To my knowledge, I previously was not.

After watching trolls hatch out of tree eggs and dissolve after being squirted with super soakers filled with milk, my authentic Romanian Miyak.

My ride through the Pine Barrens back home was terrifying.

The Pine Barons are a scary place.

Lots of bodies there.

Oh, yes.

From the Jersey Devil.

Oh, yeah.

This movie was the reason I don't hang my leg out of my bed, out of the sheets anymore.

The hole they can't get you if you're fully covered.

I've, I mean, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Oh, yeah.

I've let, um, I've let go of most of the fear, but goddamn, I was horrified.

This movie did scare the shit out of me.

Me too, but it scared me in the best way possible.

And all the kids getting, you know, I think, didn't they get their souls encased in trees?

Yes.

Yeah.

No, it was wild.

Yeah.

It was a good one.

Yeah.

So this one's number one, Ernest.

Camp's got to be second.

Yeah.

And then I guess Ernest goes to jail is pretty fucking awesome.

That fight scene at the end.

Jail.

Well,

the court scene with the pen in his mouth is one of the funniest scenes in movie history.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It just keeps getting more and more ink all over the place.

And he's Ernest.

Yeah.

He's on trial for murder.

God damn.

Do I like him more than Hemingway?

I don't know.

How does the Sun Alzheimer's stack up to save Christmas?

Did Ernest Hemingway ever save Christmas?

No.

He never went to Africa.

Did he join the army?

I think Ernest Hemingway went to Africa.

Possibly.

I think he possibly went to Africa.

He was like a war reporter.

He seems like a Safari guy.

Yeah,

I think there's a good chance Hemingway went to Africa.

But regardless,

he definitely went to Paris, which I know is nothing like Africa.

Oh, yeah.

I was right.

Safari guy.

Yeah.

He seemed like it.

He loved adventures.

Multiple, yeah.

Snows of Kilimanjaro, Greenhouse of Africa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a Kilimanjaro.

That's the big one.

I don't know.

I'm not a big, I'm honestly like Hemingway.

I prefer Tennessee Williams.

Okay.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Well, give me the pen back.

No.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Last puppy benefit on the left.

May 23rd, 7 p.m.

Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Last podcast on the left.

No dogs in space.

Special appearances from other members of the LPN family, but you don't give a shit about that because you get to play with puppies.

So come on out and let's support these dogs and the people who need.

Basically, what happened after the fires.

A lot of people, when they moved, they weren't able to take their dogs with them because they had to move very fast and into places that didn't take dogs.

And so there's a lot of extra dogs that need places to go in Los Angeles right now.

So we're doing this benefit to help out.

I hope you will come and support as well.

Contact in the desert is going to be from May 29th to June 2nd.

We will be there doing multiple shows at the Renaissance Resort at the Coachella Valley.

Last podcast on the left, we're touring.

The most, the two coming up soonest are going to be on June 28th.

We're going to be in Atlanta at the Coca-Cola Roxy.

There's still some tickets for that.

And in July 12th, we're going to be in Salt Lake City at the Sandy Amphitheater.

That's going to be my first outdoor show with y'all.

Outdoor fun shows are fun.

I'm very excited.

So y'all come out.

I love you very much.

Shout out to Big Henry.

And I hope Henry is doing a little better.

He is,

it is,

it's it's weird because it is nice.

As someone who's like emotionally guarded as Henry is, it is watching him confront his emotions, I think, is like, this is, is very interesting, and I applaud him.

Yes, as do I.

And listener, be sure to savor that because you won't see it.

The most you're going to get is secondhand.

Yeah.

Well, I love you guys very much, and be good, and we'll talk to you in a couple of days.

Later on, on, y'all.

That's right.

I got a couple hails today.

We got it.

Hail Big Henry, hail Morris, and of course, hail Robert the doll.

Hail Robert the doll.

Thank you, Robert.

We love you, Robert.

Thank you for protecting us.

Thank you, Robert.

Thank you.

You're great.

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