Side Stories: The Zizian Cult Murders

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Speaker 1 There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast.

Speaker 1 On the left.

Speaker 1 Side stories?

Speaker 1 That's when the cannibalism started.

Speaker 1 Side stories. Yes.

Speaker 1 Man, last night I was

Speaker 1 watching Mulhole and Drive. Ooh.
I'm going through it back through. Obviously, just the full David Lunch.
Yeah. I'm still stuck.
I watched some Twin Peaks last night. I'm still working on it.

Speaker 1 It's great. Yeah.
It's great. But, man, you just forget just how

Speaker 1 sexy that movie is. I haven't seen it since the theater.
That's good. I just remember the little old lady by the dumpster.
That's a man. But played by a lady.
Oh, okay. But it's labeled as a man.

Speaker 1 The character is a man, but it's played by the lady that plays the nun. Oh,

Speaker 1 so I'm kind of right. You are.
Yeah, but that's pretty good. 20-year memory.
It's pretty good.

Speaker 1 It's also, I just forget, because I also forgot that it has like, he had published the nine things to remember while watching Mul Holland drive to kind of pull it apart a little bit better.

Speaker 1 And it's great. I forgot, like, oh, the movie actually makes a lot more sense than people say.
Yeah. It makes a lot of sense.
I'm sure I won't have any idea what's going on. You will.
I promise you.

Speaker 1 Especially once the movies come out, then you're like, those are movies. Yeah.
You're like, oh, and I know what that is. Yeah, Lost Highway made almost no sense.

Speaker 1 Lost Highway makes far less sense than Mohole and Drive. But I think that's a sliver of sense.
I viewed Lost Highway as his most pop-savvy film because his soundtrack got so big.

Speaker 1 Well, that was a huge soundtrack. It was a huge soundtrack where Molehall and Drive is his best movie.
Okay. Which is so good.
And then Blue Velvet's wonderful, but it's his most understandable movie.

Speaker 1 I feel like Blue Velvet, yeah. Except for the straight story, but it's not for me.
That's fine. A lot of people, I do.
I'm glad to see how many things he can.

Speaker 1 Straight story is a children's movie, right? He made a PG movie for Disney that was extremely straightforward, that was very well lit and acted. It's just...
painfully boring. Oh, I can't wait.

Speaker 1 That sounds right up my alley. What you like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I love a boring movie. Hey, and welcome to a boring podcast.
My name is Henry Zabrowski. This is Side Stories.
I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.

Speaker 1 But I'm so sad because of all the boring things of my life. I wish that I had more exciting things to do.
Which is why, you know what? It actually really helps. What helps? Meth amphetamine.
Dude.

Speaker 1 If you just want to get so long,

Speaker 1 I almost forgot that it existed. If you want to add some like a pinch of excitement.
Yeah. Smoke meth.
Yeah, because the vitamin C just ain't cutting it. It really does.
Tell me, chia seeds. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is not exciting me at all. Like, I am smoking meth and I feel vivacious.
I am ready for work. I'm productive.

Speaker 1 I'm having sex with my wife five, six times a day. Yeah.
How about the men? Are you having sex with them again? Yes. Two, three times a day.

Speaker 1 Whenever there's a man around me, especially a police officer that I'm trying to score meth from, I'll suck his fucking dick. I'll put his baton in my ass.
Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 1 I love to smoke out of a light bulb with a cop. You really should.
You try it.

Speaker 1 Do you guys smoke teeth at home? You should smoke teeth. Don't smoke teeth out in the streets.
If you're going to smoke your teeth, smoke them at home.

Speaker 1 See, I thought you were about to segue into a promo for our live shows. Oh, we can.
We can. If you want to smoke some teeth with us, we got a big one.
Ooh, we.

Speaker 1 Ooey, baby. Ooh,

Speaker 1 ooh, baby. Ooh, let me take you on a city cruise.
That's right. Whoa.

Speaker 1 That's right. That's right.
Side stories is hitting the seas. We're going to be a crime wave coming your way on Royal Caribbean.
Oh, yes. So we're doing this crime wave.
I saw many people say...

Speaker 1 They do on sale on Friday. Yes, they do.

Speaker 1 Many people asked, is this, I thought this was a bit. Nope.
I thought you guys were making this up. No, go to the Royal Caribbean website.
You can buy tickets starting this Friday for Crime Wave.

Speaker 1 We are providing the comedy. And I mean it.
We are going to, Eddie and I have already decided one of our bits. We're going to choose top five women on the boat to push off.

Speaker 1 And then the top five guys who look like they're going to push. Exactly.

Speaker 1 We are going to have so much much fun and i say our hope honestly i hope we only lose about 10 of the audience yeah yeah to crime because here's the thing like if you want to come and you want to see us this is a vacation you should plan it leaves out of fort laudedale um go to uh crime wave at c.com slash left to get your tickets on friday um it's from november 3rd to 11th uh to november 7th and i cannot truly stress this enough this is going to be one of the oddest weekends of all of our lives i don't even know why we said yes.

Speaker 1 You've got to come to this because I don't know if we're going to do it again. But when you're- We're not doing it again.
I don't know. I mean, unless it's the funnest thing that we've ever done.

Speaker 1 So you're going to come out. We're going to have a blast.

Speaker 1 And our goal is to bring the true crime to the other two-thirds of the boat that doesn't know that there's a true crime cruise happening on their cruise. Yes, that's true.

Speaker 1 That is the beauty of all this. We are going to info dump.

Speaker 1 We are going to go to that karaoke night, which I'm going to probably host, and I'm going to get a hold of that mic, and I'm going to tell everybody about the Black Dahlia.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell everybody about

Speaker 1 Andre Ticatillo. I'm going to ruin the cruise for everyone else for the sake of you.
Come and watch us. We're going to have a fucking blast.
So that's one announcement. Another announcement.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm going to host a belly flop contest. Hopefully.

Speaker 1 I've told them it's one of my demands. We have to get an insurance, though.
Yes. Oh, really? Apparently.
Oh, okay. Just because some people don't know how to properly belly flop.

Speaker 1 Is it an insurance in the middle of the sea?

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 But yeah. But no, I feel like when you flop into the like, because this is the problem truly with about people, that they, a lot of people think they can belly flop.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you got to be really pretty fat. Oh, there's lots of bloody noses when it comes to the belly flop contest.
Oh, that's a big part of it. A skinny lady.

Speaker 1 I've seen a skinny lady belly flop and bounce off the water and go off the pool. Yeah, they skip.
So

Speaker 1 again, think about your BMI.

Speaker 1 That's a big thing there. Make sure you're huge.
Yes, please. And we want to also, a little and a little other announcement.
If you happen to ever hear a pro-Trump commercial

Speaker 1 on our show, it is some kind of digital artifact. A lot of times they lie, especially people within the Trump administration.

Speaker 1 They lie, especially evangelical right people, about what the frame of the ad is. They then sell it on a big group stock or whatever, however they do it to these digital companies.

Speaker 1 And And then they just put it in without our permission because

Speaker 1 under no uncertain terms, President Trump can absolutely go fuck himself. Go fuck, go eat shit, go suck shit.

Speaker 1 But that's the last time we're going to talk about it because I'm not going to let us become Jimmy Kimmel. We do not want to talk about this motherfucker.

Speaker 1 We're just forced to talk about it because he keeps invading your beautiful earholes. We're just letting you know we're working on it.
And that man. I can't wait to see his grave.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So let's go. Joey's burgers are going to take him down at some point.
Very, very soon. And we have another update.
Yes, obviously, which I should have pressed you more on last time. What happened?

Speaker 1 Is that

Speaker 1 I did know this, but I didn't want to ruin this for you. What? Dogs will eat you when you die.
Well, not all of them. It's a some do.

Speaker 1 It has happened, yes, yes. But for the most part, cats eat more than dogs eat more.
So here we go. This comes from a vet clinic.

Speaker 1 When you work in an established general practice in an older upper-class community, you get to know a lot of the regulars, especially the elderly. They usually have a lot of time on their hands.

Speaker 1 Their pets are usually seniors too, and they are their lifeline to the outside world. I don't know what that's like.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They also like to get small dogs and spoil them so their health problems are abundant. What? We had these three clients that were a pair of sisters in their 80s and one of their daughters in her 60s.

Speaker 1 Funniest old ladies with the most stereotypical little dogs, mini poodles, crusty eyes, awful teeth, and all. One day I answered the phone, and it's the daughter of one of the older two.

Speaker 1 Her aunt aunt had been found dead in her apartment the day before and she wanted to schedule an appointment to bring her poodles in for a checkup with the veterinarian ASAP her aunt had been deceased for a couple of days at least before someone had checked on her and in the time the dogs each no more than four kilograms had eaten most of her face especially her lips and nose the tips of her ears luckily the dogs they were happy healthy and never had any health issues stemming from their little snack the niece new owner of the dogs was distraught, and I felt terrible for her, but I will never get the image of those three little dogs cuddling with her while licking her face in the waiting room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I always say, you know, that's fine. You know, some poodles, they'll eat you a little bit, you know, and they didn't go hard on her.
They're not going to be honest. Some of them are hungry.

Speaker 1 They were fucking hungry. Little lips, some earlobes.
It's not what they're really talking about. That's not bad.
No, no. No, no, no.
I think that's okay. That's fine.

Speaker 1 All I know is Tootsie has seen a lot of death.

Speaker 1 She hasn't eaten anybody. Well, see, Tootsie's one of those dogs I can imagine, you know, like she's a picky eater.
But after World War II in Russia, they had these massive foods. And she was there.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And I think that Tootsie would have done very well in the cannibal runs of post-World War II Russia, where the people were forced to eat the sickest child of the neighborhood and eat all the dogs and eat all the cats.

Speaker 1 I can see Tootsie there being on the right side, quote unquote, of history, being like,

Speaker 1 yes, eat the infant. Yes.

Speaker 1 I could see her being like, I see, oh, I heard that grandma was coughing. Like, I can feel like she knows.
Yes. She could do that.
She knows how to survive. Yes.

Speaker 1 I know that at least one dog, a couple dogs have eaten their owners after they died. I'm just saying, as a whole, all cats do it.

Speaker 1 Most dogs don't. Yes.
I'm sticking to my gun. Sure.
You're allowed. You're allowed.
But I also want to bring something up to you that I brought up to you

Speaker 1 when I was venting to you about our veterinary experience because we also just went to the vet. Yeah.
And I thought it was really funny.

Speaker 1 So our little dog, Wendy, right, she's got her fucking little mohawk dyed purple because we're childless couple with extra money and we don't care. Right.

Speaker 1 And so what we did was that we're sitting there with Wendy and this lady. The most typical LA woman I've ever seen.
How old, if you don't mind me asking, anywhere from 25 to 60. Oh, okay.
That's

Speaker 1 you know that type of LA woman. Yeah.
She could be any one of those ages and looks great for any one of those decades. An Ellen Barkin type.
Yes. Put emphasis on the Barkin.

Speaker 1 This bitch was. And so what she did was she asked us, she saw us that we had dyed the hair of Wendy, and she said, Oh,

Speaker 1 oh my god, who did that? And we're like, oh, we have this little,

Speaker 1 we go to this little spa for the dog, you know, we dig her

Speaker 1 groomer, whatever. That's nice.
Yes. And she was like, I was wondering if they do a procedure.
So my dog's face is getting so gray. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Can we just dye her face

Speaker 1 like black so that she can look young again. And we're just sitting there looking at this woman.
And my first thing is so like. This is your vet? This is my vet.
No, this is the end of

Speaker 1 this in the lobby. This is the waiting room.

Speaker 1 If it was your vet,

Speaker 1 but then she looked at me.

Speaker 1 And so my problem is, is then I don't know how to joke. I was like, well.

Speaker 1 The thing is, is that, yeah, honestly, with her, we were trying to get her face redyed because obviously she's so old. I don't know what to do with her.
And we've been trying to figure out.

Speaker 1 When I asked our groomers if we could get her some filler Yeah. Up in here, we can get some filler.
This woman did not reactions, did not react to me, did not react, like almost seemed curious.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then we just moved on. Natalie, you wanted to go, we go in the vet, you go inside of the vet.
Imagine a dog with big, beautiful lips. That's all I thought about it.
I thought it was fun.

Speaker 1 I go into the vet. We were talking about all this stuff.
She's like, Is there anything else you want to do for Wendy? I make the same joke. I go in there and I say to him.

Speaker 1 Yes, I know it's funny.

Speaker 1 She didn't laugh, but I'm sitting here.

Speaker 1 So I say to the vet, she we're sitting there in in a moment of silence and i was like let me tell you do you have a do you recommend anybody that does like local that does dog filler because obviously wendy's just not super hot anymore and so but the vet did not react right and she said

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess you got one too. My husband's a comedian as well.
And Natalie was like, yeah, yeah, he is a comedian. And I'm sitting here, I am one.
You are one. Yes.

Speaker 1 Your husband is just some funny guy at an office somewhere. Where you're yelling?

Speaker 1 I am one, though.

Speaker 1 I am a comedian.

Speaker 1 And how hard is that to be screaming? Yes.

Speaker 1 Go! Recognize me, you know? Yeah. Did you start telling her your credits? No.
Did you tell her about the SNL thing? I stayed in silence. Because I have class.

Speaker 1 I was fat and naked. Do you know? On the SNL.
How I was shamed at a high level.

Speaker 1 Do you know? But no, no, yeah. That's a little, that's just, you know, what you would get to.
That's what you can get to experience if you go to a vet in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, one thing that I've learned and the reason why I asked you about your vet's age is I'm very ageist when it comes to vets. You've talked about this.
I don't want no young vet. I know.

Speaker 1 I like a young

Speaker 1 50 and over. I like it.
That's what I said. For vets, 50 and over.
Otherwise, they ain't seen the shit. They don't know what's going on.
But sometimes they're just like, kill it.

Speaker 1 That's what the young, the young ones have always telling me to kill it. Kill it.
And the old ones are like, see what he's got. Well, Tootsie's, Tootsie's almost can fucking buy alcohol.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about Rambo. A bunch of kids were like, kill him.
He's dead. Who? These guys at the emergency vet a year ago.
Well, they was again, they just don't want to deal with it. Exactly.

Speaker 1 And then the old-timers are like, ah, see what happens. Because they're old.
And they don't want somebody, they don't want their daughter to show up and say, kill it. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Old vets, good. Young vets, work on it.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I'm going to, we want so many salesmen shit. We have so many.
They should have it. It's all side stories.
LPO PL Gmail. Like, I'm pro-young,

Speaker 1 able veterinarians. We need them.
I'm going to be broken if you want to actually show up to work and do your goddamn thing. They do.
Oh, somebody. They're like, oh, I got a family.
My kids got a game.

Speaker 1 I got stuff to get to. No, you worked till eight.
Let's get to some news. Okay.

Speaker 1 Because I already feel it. I already feel the news.
I want the hate. I know.
I know.

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Speaker 1 Now, I

Speaker 1 was so lucky to stumble upon this story. We've had many people send this story in as well, but I will say, this is one of the toughest to decipher stories I've had to pull apart in a minute.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't largely make sense, but we are at the very beginning of this. And the only reason why I even wanted to kind of broach it with our peoples was because it's interesting.
It's unique.

Speaker 1 We haven't seen something like this yet. It's in our wheelhouse for sure.
And it's in our wheelhouse.

Speaker 1 And I just want to to track this story for a while and see where it goes so this is a it's very confusing so just try to follow along with me all right this involves are you talking to them or me the humans on the show yeah i never talked to you thank you i hate shit

Speaker 1 so this involves a cult. Uh-huh.
Now, they call themselves, but I guess what they've known themselves, they're kind of claim themselves as a group called the Zizians. Fuck yeah, man.

Speaker 1 Which was built upon Zipped on some Ziz or it's nothing cool about this, really. Okay.
Like, literally, like, the only thing that is sort of cool about it is the fact that it's the first hyper,

Speaker 1 like, hyper, hyper-left-wing. It's a, what they call extreme vegan, okay.
Trans death cult.

Speaker 1 Really? Right? It is. Do vegans murder? Well, these guys believe in extreme veganism.
They also believe in a system of thought that is so

Speaker 1 fucking fucking stupid and academic that all it does is confuse people. And it's why people have a hard time with left-wing ideology in the first place.

Speaker 1 It's a bunch of word salad that never mind when a cult leader gets involved with it and makes an even deeper word salad and convinces a bunch of vulnerable people in the most vulnerable place possible, especially in mid-transition.

Speaker 1 They are literally courting people and weaponizing them against what they consider to be low-level offenders. So these guys are right now, they are implicated.

Speaker 1 This group is implicated in the six murders. Whoa, one of them.
That's crazy. Yes, that's a lot.
But right now, we're not quite certain. We don't know if they did it.

Speaker 1 They're not, it's not official, official. No, they're accused.

Speaker 1 The two murders that have definitely been tied to members of this group was one, a man by the name of Curtis Lind, who was an 82-year-old landlord who was stabbed to death in Vallejo, California.

Speaker 1 Okay. And then on the other side of the fucking country, David Miland, a border, I believe he's a border patrol agent, was also killed in Vermont.

Speaker 1 The two suspects, and those two separate, but according to police, they now are saying that they are connected.

Speaker 1 One was the suspect for the Vallejo murder was Maximilian Snyder, and Teresa Youngblutt was for the Vermont. what the Vermont one.

Speaker 1 And now we know that Youngblutt has been arrested and so has Maximilian Snyder. I am sorry if I'm also deadnaming anyone.
I will say that some of the writing on this,

Speaker 1 the Newsweek, Newsweek did a breakdown of the story, and that whole building needs to just be shut down. Newsweek used to be reputable.
That article was fucking unreadable.

Speaker 1 And it's supposed to make it all make sense. I'm not quite certain because a lot of these people within this group were transitioning.

Speaker 1 So some of them, some of them are reporting them as their new names and some of them are reporting them as their dead names. And I have no idea which is which.

Speaker 1 Well, if they haven't officially changed their name and committed a crime, I imagine they would be known as their legal name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 1 But it's, again, it's all over the place.

Speaker 1 But they are, the whole thing is that what these people have done is created a school of thought where they don't believe in surrender and they believe in this kind of, it's a fight between the good and the non-good.

Speaker 1 And they have this decision-making process called functional decision theory that comes from some highfalutin old school ideological some kind of like left-wing concept about you're not making decisions every day.

Speaker 1 I'm butchering this, but it seems one of the layman terms to kind of describe this is that it's very similar to Euronymus in the Batavia series, where all decisions are, there's no quantifiable morality that can be put on your decision making.

Speaker 1 What you're deciding between, when you make a decision, you're not deciding between results. You're deciding between strategies to get results.

Speaker 1 So the strategies, so all you're caring about is the strategy. You don't really care if the results are good or bad because those things don't matter.

Speaker 1 They view themselves as double good, which means they view themselves in some kind of form.

Speaker 1 They said it's extreme altruism mixed with extreme veganism, which means death to all people that are not vegan.

Speaker 1 And they also are in the sovereign citizen world where the goal is to constantly...

Speaker 1 engage in an aggravating way people of low-level authority to the point where violence gets involved. So why did they kill the border agent in Vermont? Was he bringing in moose meat or something?

Speaker 1 Essentially what happened is that these two, the two people that were pulled over, they were part of this supposed group. The Zizians.
Dizizians. They got pulled over.
They had already been tracked.

Speaker 1 These two people were at a hotel a couple of days before. They looked suspicious.
They were dressed all in black, carrying guns around, being really, really

Speaker 1 extra. looking like Columbine killers, right?

Speaker 1 Know that if you're going to commit such crimes, if you're wearing that type people are going to notice well they're doing it on purpose they're doing it to be noticed and so they get told that they got someone from the hotel called the police and said i'm worried about these people the hotel manager went to go talk to them they said they're just staying in town to go look at property that they're going to buy so the police are already aware of their presence they get stopped and it's literally just within the traffic stop that they decide to shoot at these officers.

Speaker 1 They just pull their guns and start shooting. Oh, okay.
Because they just decided that they were being persecuted. and now is the time to begin to shoot.

Speaker 1 They both got shot, both expressed were shot, but the cop that got shot died.

Speaker 1 Did they live? Yes. Well, one of them lived.
Okay. That young blood who is now going into jail.
The other, and on the other side of the world, in California, that a man

Speaker 1 Lind, who was a landlord, who owned this piece of land, had a group of these Zizians live on what they believe, one of their big

Speaker 1 concepts, another one is this,

Speaker 1 they don't necessarily believe in personal property as well. So one of the big ideas.
They shouldn't have signed the lease. Of course.

Speaker 1 The central character of this story is Ziz, known by the dead name of Jack Lasota.

Speaker 1 And what they have put together is a series of, like from their blog, where they had a blog called Sinceriously, where they wrote all of these high, these very, very long-winded theories about rationalism.

Speaker 1 This whole thing is an AI vegan cult. But they hate AI.
No, yes. Well, they believe that AI needs to be risk mitigated.
They work in risk management.

Speaker 1 These are all people, everybody seems to be involved within the Zizian. They work in risk management, but they're out here killing people.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 But they are, but it's because they believe that there's a war that is going to be happening between the good and the non-good, whatever this means.

Speaker 1 But this Ziz person for a while was living what they called the rationalist fleet. One of their jobs, the concept was, we'll live for free on boats in the water, which just didn't work, right?

Speaker 1 It didn't work. Boats are very expensive.
Extremely pits. And you have their park.
You can't buy one. And it costs money to pay.
Go two best days of having a boat. Do you buy it? Do you sell it?

Speaker 1 Amen, brother. And then that was a big problem.
And so what happened was that a group of these Zizians were living in. Every time you say their name, you sound drunk.
Zizians.

Speaker 1 Career, Zizians.

Speaker 1 Career, Zizzian. I saw you kiss the piano player.

Speaker 1 But they were living on giant storage boxes these big like what do you call uh what do you they're like um

Speaker 1 import

Speaker 1 oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what do you call storage containers

Speaker 1 containment units yeah yeah they were living on containment units on this guy's they were living in containment units on this guy's land during the rent moratorium of 2020 and in the california area they had all said he stopped charging them all rent once the moratorium ended the 80-year-old man showed back up to say hey i'd like to get rent from you guys now, right?

Speaker 1 Or you're going to get exiced. Yes.

Speaker 1 And then they did the exicting by fucking stabbing him to death. And so they all attacked him.
He'd already had run-ins with this group before. Right now, and then another member of the Zizians.

Speaker 1 God, it's so rare you feel bad for a landlord, right? And it's like another member of the Zizians killed their parents. So that's the other like two deaths that are floating around.

Speaker 1 We're trying to figure out exactly how organized they are. But all of this comes from the internet.
And all of it is about being aggressively against anybody that is not in their philosophical system.

Speaker 1 So when did this all break? Is this news?

Speaker 1 Have they been around for a while now? A couple of years. The thing where it really kicked off is that there was a

Speaker 1 protest in the there was a protest where it first kicked out where the Ziz is now in jail.

Speaker 1 There was a protest at this place called the Center for Applied Rationality, which is hilarious because these are all I also love that all of these reactionary, essentially terrorists and cult members all call themselves rationalists.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Because the idea that it's believing that human intelligence will save us.
Yeah, has the whole world gone crazy when you're the one who's gone crazy? Yes.

Speaker 1 And then AI will also help us if we properly mitigate the risk. But this place for center-applied rationality was a local kind of outreach about this rationalist thought.

Speaker 1 And Ziz decided, apparently, that they weren't, first of all, weren't being included, then eventually turned into really histrionic accusations of cifar uh essentially telling them that they were like saying that she that they were uh attacked by cfar like making shit up then they did a bad protest at this place during this big meeting and the way they were dressed people thought they were there to kill everybody instead of doing a protest because they were dressed all scary and they were holding guns and so they all got arrested so they're all currently in jail right now the whole crew is basically in dress

Speaker 1 they're basically all in jail already oh we don't we don't even need to talk about it not really but what i would say if you're interested at all because you just you know me yeah the reason why i'm even talking about this is because i love cult systems i love thoughts in cults i love the inner workings of cults and what i love is a new one right now if you go and look it up like you can go and see their entire like they have a whole mission statement that is fascinating at Zizians.info.

Speaker 1 And I will say, it doesn't make any sense. And if you please, somebody try to explain to me what in the living hell functional decision theory.

Speaker 1 And this idea of hemispherical thought and unhemispheric sleep. That's what they're trying to teach them to sleep with one half of their brains and another.

Speaker 1 They're also cutting people off from their family. The big thing with Ziz was telling brand new members, essentially, like, your parents don't get you, you need to kill them.
Oh, yeah. And,

Speaker 1 you know, again, whether they're, where you're, whether your parents get you or not, don't kill them. Because when it comes down to them not getting you is why you're cool.
Okay.

Speaker 1 If your parents get you, you're not cool. Or they're, or they are.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And you're real darn. And that's annoying.
Yeah. Your parents are cooler than you.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't even want to think about that. Yeah.
What that's like. So up with Riz,

Speaker 1 down with Ziz.

Speaker 1 So go and check out it. Go try to fucking pull this apart.
It's just all over the place. I just thought it was a, it's fun to see a baby cult and also see how, you know what I will say?

Speaker 1 One truly, these Zoomer cult leaders, you need to spend more time outside of your phones okay if you're gonna be a zoomer cult leader how many talking about my my alphas my gen alphas

Speaker 1 cult leaders you need to get out there and you just start working on your interpersonal skills yeah meet some people you can't hold a cult together with blogs alone it's not how it works you need to physically control them i'm not saying to do it i'm saying what you should do if you want to be better at being a cult leader you're gonna need to go out there and meet people.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I know you're anxious, but you're going to have to go out there and say hi to people if you want your cult to stick together and eventually be attacked by the fucking ADF.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and also, you know, we got to work on these outfits. Seriously.

Speaker 1 I'm cocked up.

Speaker 1 Like, you shouldn't have to cool. If you're not employed, make a costume.
Make a uniform for your fucking cult. A tie-dye Moo Moo or some shit.
None of you guys are making good shit for the future.

Speaker 1 Where's my so? I I want my fucking Order of the Solar Temple, but now. Yeah, I want like headbands and shit.

Speaker 1 Stop killing just randos and just kill yourselves. Yes, this is

Speaker 1 the old school.

Speaker 1 Real cold. Just fucking kill yourselves.
The aliens are coming and you got to kill yourself. Come on, Damien.
But first, you know, just do something fun with it. Yes.

Speaker 1 Sisters of mayhem would be a better name than Zizians. Well, also, I love Sisters of Mayhem, the band.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love them.
So, yeah, go look it up. This personal talk about Rocco's basilisk.

Speaker 1 I hate philosophy. I like philosophy because I'm trying to sort of get into it.
I've been reading it more, right? I read some stoicism. I read a little bit of fucking some saltra.

Speaker 1 What was that? Soulfra. That doesn't mean anything to me.
Saltra. You can keep saying it, but you're not really saying it at all.

Speaker 1 Side stories, L-P-O-T-L, if you know what Henry's saying. Sartre.
But it's, I tried to. I tried to read it, and I didn't fully understand it.

Speaker 1 I've tried to read, I've read some Nietzsche, Nietzsche, Nachi,

Speaker 1 I've read Freddie Nachos, I've read a lot of Freddie Nachos, and I kind of fucking get that too. So

Speaker 1 I sort of get it. Yeah.
So it's one of those where, how is this helping?

Speaker 1 I do think it would be better for, and I've said this, I have a lot of friends on the left-wing, fully left-wing people that I've talked to, and they all agree with me, which I do think so, is that the language needs to be cleared up and you need to make it so that we can understand it because we're all stupid.

Speaker 1 Okay? And just because we're stupid doesn't mean that we don't deserve to be educated. Yes, absolutely.
So try to help me. Try to reach me.
Try to understand me. I guess you can't.
I guess you won't.

Speaker 1 I guess you front. That's how I know my life was out of love fool.
Whoa. The gangster's fucking paradise.
Damn, dude. That was wild.
Fucking coolio. All right, Peepee.
Hanging with Norbert.

Speaker 1 Was he alive? No, he's dead. He's dead.
Yeah. Another one gone too soon.
Another patriot gone.

Speaker 1 All right, now that was my first big story of the week. All Hills is.
No. no, no, opposite.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I just get, it's just nice to see a left-wing one. You never get one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, yeah, that is, that is good.

Speaker 1 But the other big story of the week. This one's huge.

Speaker 1 Again,

Speaker 1 who's into gooning? Who's doing the gooning?

Speaker 1 It's weird. I didn't know what gooning was, and then you explained it to me, and I've remembered that I kind of knew what it was.
Gooning

Speaker 1 is, you know what I'll say?

Speaker 1 Back in our day, Eddie and I were saying this before the show we masturbated with a purpose that's right man we masturbated too calm i want to see results i'm not physical i want to feel and see results to masturbate if i just wanted to sit and play with dick and balls i would have been a fucking altar boy right i would have go back and be a priest all right but if i just want to sit and play with my hard dick and balls all day then it's just like what am i doing i masturbate too calm yeah all right it is fun to play with your dick and balls when it's not hard when it's not hard and you just slap it around and scratch it and shit and be like oh there it is yeah especially when you're sick.

Speaker 1 Oh, my favorite. It's the best.
Yes. But still,

Speaker 1 used to have a purpose.

Speaker 1 But these kids found a new way to make gooning have a purpose. Yeah, these guys.
Oh, yeah. All right.
Gooning. Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 Well, I do love this term.

Speaker 1 Gooning, maybe this simply defined as the state usually achieved after a prolonged edging session when a man becomes completely hypnotized with a feeling radiating his subpoenas. That's not good.

Speaker 1 It's not good. It's gooning is normally you get hard, but you don't come.
Do you think it's like it like started as a practice to just last longer? No, I just think they're just bad at jerking off?

Speaker 1 I think men are broken, Eddie. Yeah, most of them are.
I think that this came from. Have you ever left a comment on a pornography video? Never.

Speaker 1 These are the people that are doing this. They all have, these are the guys with usernames.
Yes. Okay, gotcha.
Yes. No.

Speaker 1 This is a very annoying thing. Not that hot.
Not that hot. Barely goon.
So sad. Yeah, I'm almost, I almost came.
She's so ugly.

Speaker 1 Now, did you ever see that

Speaker 1 Martin Scorsese movie? Goon Dune?

Speaker 1 That's actually a very funny idea for a parody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A three-hour long movie about Goondun

Speaker 1 not being able to come. It's perfect.
We are still holy if we keep it in.

Speaker 1 Now, this story, obviously, this story starts sad.

Speaker 1 And then it gets happy. All right.
So a man with the most unusual name of Nautica Malone.

Speaker 1 That is his Christian name. That is his Christian name.
And he went viral for a little video. Now, first, Eddie, I want to show you the video.

Speaker 1 Now, this was filmed outside of a Tempe, Arizona, what they call a bikini beans. Okay.

Speaker 1 Now, the bikini beans, just those that you don't know, it seems to be a kiosk in boiling sun where 18-year-olds are in bikinis selling coffee. Hot coffee in bikinis.
And bikinis. Seems dangerous.

Speaker 1 But also, same time, fun idea. But also, these poor ladies are fucking just sitting ducks.
Yes. And so this man was filmed in the drive-through of the bikini beans.

Speaker 1 And we're going to see right now why this caused a bit of a controversy. Okay.

Speaker 1 He pulls up. Hi, how are you? Nice car.

Speaker 1 Good. Have you been here before? Yeah.
Sir, you need to leave. Unacceptable.
Unacceptable.

Speaker 1 So what you don't see.

Speaker 1 He has no pants on, and his penis is in his hands, right?

Speaker 1 He's driving a very manly car.

Speaker 1 He's got a Dodge charger. Now, that's a man by Nautica Malone.
Now, it's interesting is that he has a beautiful smile.

Speaker 1 He seems very handsome. He is a husband.

Speaker 1 He's a husband and father.

Speaker 1 It also seems that this is a, I'm going to say repeated behavior because the barista knew to film the man.

Speaker 1 So, he came up, he showed his penis, and he showed that he was touching his penis, the woman that was serving the coffee. He then went and committed suicide.

Speaker 1 So Nadica Malone went and blew his brains out. Now, because it went viral.
And his family is going to find out that he's jerking off to the girls down there. Not even just being.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll tell you what, buddy. His family, before it went viral.
Yeah. The family went to shame the bikini barista for putting it on the internet.
Yes. And she said, your son's a pervert.

Speaker 1 Then he committed suicide. So they tried to be like, why did you ruin my son's reputation? And it's because it ruined his own reputation.
And they decided to take

Speaker 1 legal matters in their own hands and provide some civilian justice by putting this guy on blast. They didn't put his name out there.
They just showed him. It just went really, really viral.

Speaker 1 He committed suicide. It was bad for this guy, right? Yes.
You'd think now, end of this sad story. You would think.
You'd think. You would think this would be the end of the story.
No.

Speaker 1 The children of the internet always win. Yeah.
Well, I don't know if they win. No, they're actually all in danger.
But what they have figured out is to embrace it, create a new thing.

Speaker 1 So the Gooners of 4chan decided to call. They looked upon this.
This is a group. I don't know what they, I don't know.
They were live streaming, though. They live stream.
This is from.

Speaker 1 They're called the Gooners of 4chan or they are Gooners of 4chan. This is according to Complex Magazine.
Okay.

Speaker 1 A group of Gooners arrived at the Bikini Beans and held a memorial for who they called their goonlord,

Speaker 1 Nautica,

Speaker 1 and he called them Goon Lord, hashtag Goon Lord.

Speaker 1 And they hosted whatever, the first ever hashtag Gooneral. Gooneral.
Where they showed pornography in this parking lot in memory of Nautica.

Speaker 1 And they had t-shirts made up, a memorial goon lord t-shirts made up. Yeah.
And the funeral was promptly broken up in 20 minutes. 20 minutes? By the police.

Speaker 1 The gooneral was.

Speaker 1 I know that none of this is good.

Speaker 1 This is all awful. But so.
I will say. Do they call themselves gooners? People who goon? Yes.
Yeah. I believe it's goonists.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That makes it sound aggressive. And they practice goonism.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Now, the goonlord memorial only lasted for a short time, but I think for all of us, I I think a Gooneral is now,

Speaker 1 we very rarely see a novel idea put into the lexicon that can really take off in a good way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to have a Gooneral, like there has to be paid admission, you know, because if you just like for the pornography. Yeah, for the pornography and like you can't do a goonerole out in public.

Speaker 1 You know, there's got to be, you know, there's got to be like waivers and I guess 18 and over. See, I feel like a gooneral, it doesn't have to involve you gooning.
It's just more

Speaker 1 all of them understanding that this member of our gooning community is gone. And that pillar, that corner of our gooner world,

Speaker 1 I can't hear that.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, the clicks of your dog's nails. Yes.
How comforting that is? Yeah, yeah, when they're always walking on the forgooness, the sound of.

Speaker 1 Well, is it that fast, or is it just like slow?

Speaker 1 Let's just face it, Eddie. A lot of these guys can't get hard or come anyway.
I think that's going to have to be like a lot of slapping.

Speaker 1 You got to slap your penis to keep it awake, you know, and then like, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I never gooned.
I never, I never gooned. I always, you know, shoot the win, you know? I mean, I'm out of time.
I'm out of time limit. I'm a results-oriented person.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a person that must

Speaker 1 clock on it. I'm out wasting my time

Speaker 1 to not come.

Speaker 1 That's why I don't even like strip clubs. I love strippers, but I don't like strip clubs.
Yes. Because it feels weird to be hard in a public place with friends.
Yeah. Well, you don't have to get hard.

Speaker 1 You can just have fun looking at boobies. But she's touching your ding-dong.

Speaker 1 You don't have to get a lap dance. Yeah, yeah.
I've never had to. You can just sit there and watch.
I got a lap dance. I got a lap dance one time at the Claremont.
Oh, that's a good one.

Speaker 1 From a seven-year-old lap dance. That's what you have to do at the Claremont.
Yeah. Yes.
No, that's, it's, you know, if I ever went to the Claremont, I would have to get it.

Speaker 1 I would have to get a lap dance.

Speaker 1 We will be going to the Claremont in Atlanta. Yes.
When we head there in June, I think that we should go and host an after-party at the Clown. I think that's a very good idea.

Speaker 1 Now, our wives will love it. As someone who worked at Hooters,

Speaker 1 we would run into this kind of shit sometimes. Like, guys would go in the bathroom and start jerking off and shit like that.
And meet a guy to kick them out and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 There were guys that would leave like, you know, like horrible tips for the girls.

Speaker 1 Like, they like half a hundred dollar bill or something like that in a room key, you know, like a bunch of horrible human beings. Yeah, that's not cool.

Speaker 1 And so I think, but like when I look at this bikini beans place,

Speaker 1 it seems like it's worse than Hooters.

Speaker 1 What? It seems like you mean to tell me

Speaker 1 that there are business slash morality issues with a bikini barista coffee institution in Arizona, our most pure state? Well, there is.

Speaker 1 One of the best states in the Union is going to have a problem with 16 to 18 year olds in bikinis and what I would only describe as easy rape huts. Yes.

Speaker 1 That I feel that it would be... Do you think that there might be problems? It's so weird because I have to wear, when I worked in the kitchen, I used to have to wear a hairnet,

Speaker 1 you know, and like a bikini just seems like. Yeah, you know,

Speaker 1 they don't got bushes anymore, half of them. I know, but still.
But your hair net, you had hair down to your butt. Yeah, of course you had to have a hairnet.
I wore a hat.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying everyone had to have a hairnet or something. Not the ladies.
Yes, they do. They have a floor.
Not on the floor. Oh, no, not the servers.
Yeah, not on the floor.

Speaker 1 But they're making coffee. It's Hooter's coffee, though.
It's just coffee. It's just coffee.
It's just coffee. But part of me thinks Hooters has

Speaker 1 like walls. Hooters has another staff.
It's got a bunch of angry health insurance. It has some security.

Speaker 1 It has a bunch of stuff where this is just a lone 18-year-old in a bikini just waiting to be harassed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that is the problem with the bikini beans coffee is it seems like because like it looks like I also love it though. I like

Speaker 1 shirts and shorts. This is a bikini.
But I also like the concept. I do I like the concept.
I think that they should be allowed to make this concept. I don't mind this.
I just think that.

Speaker 1 I think that hiring the age of the women that work there should be a little higher. Yeah.
Honestly,

Speaker 1 I'm going to put it this way. I don't know.
If I was a business owner, right? If I was a business owner of the bikini beans,

Speaker 1 minimum, 35. Oh, yeah.
No, that's how you get a real employee.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of people should, to be honest, if we focus more on the MILF end of this,

Speaker 1 think about how much more money you'd make. Like oat MILF.
Oh, yeah. Coming down to oat MILF.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, exactly. Like oat MILFs is fun.
Yeah, I like this a lot. I like where you're going with it.

Speaker 1 50% MILF. Then you could be 25, 28.

Speaker 1 Legal. And that's crazy legal.
And you told me. Old MILF is what? 50?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that, you know, because a MILF can hold her ground. You get a 40-year-old woman in there and she's going to be like, you watch your fucking mouth, you bastard.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, that's what we need.

Speaker 1 Unless that makes them harder than ever before.

Speaker 1 but i just think it's up like first of all these kids don't know how awful they're being or they do know how awful they're being but it's like it's like the goon lords doing the fucking gooneroll you think it's bad what are you talking about it's like a candlelight vigil for a pervert first of all we don't even know that this guy was gooning we don't even know he's a gooner well he wasn't not gooning well he was he was we don't know he could have been about to come I didn't see that.

Speaker 1 If you look at the video again, he's not. He just got to the the window.
His pants are not there. No, they're not there.

Speaker 1 Unless he's wearing their

Speaker 1 hero is a fraud. Yes, I agree.
I don't think that Eddie, you're right. They're modeling themselves off of some guy who committed suicide the moment he gets caught gooning.
You know what it is?

Speaker 1 He should be fucking thankful he got caught if he wants to be their hero. You know what it is? To be honest? It's not about this man.

Speaker 1 It's about gooning. Yeah.
It's not about Nautica. It's about other gooners coming together and be like, if we could just find a safe place for us to be.
Certainly not the parking lot of a coffee shop.

Speaker 1 No. Gisreal.

Speaker 1 If we could form Jisreal. Oh, I like it.
For the Goonas. Yes.
They can go down there to Jisreel and they can all goon together as a community. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll give them Galveston. Let's give them Galveston.

Speaker 1 If we can section off Galveston, we'll give it to the Goonas.

Speaker 1 They can sit in there and they can, because again, it's more just don't rub your lifestyle in our face.

Speaker 1 I don't want it anywhere else. Literally, don't rub it in my face.
I want you to go down to with

Speaker 1 Benjamin Nutton Yahoo

Speaker 1 in Giswill.

Speaker 1 And then finally, maybe

Speaker 1 they can come.

Speaker 1 Nutting Yahoo, please. Thank you.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I'm not fully.

Speaker 1 I'm not fully

Speaker 1 fully fluent and goonish. Well, I wanted to say one thing.
I don't think anyone should be going to these bikini bean stores because they do not treat their employees correctly.

Speaker 1 I just did a brief search. And first of all, there's no, the application's all about like your social media, and none of it's about, they don't even need to put their age on the application.

Speaker 1 And there is absolutely no, I just feel like the coffee is suffering. Yeah, well, the coffee's got to be bad, you know, but also.
I don't know. But again, we are, we are coming.
Five stars.

Speaker 1 Five stars. Look at this.
Girls in bikinis serving coffee. Coffee was good.
Service was good. Girls were nice.
Brian B. That's Westwood, New Jersey.

Speaker 1 Arguably a sexist concept, but it seems to be done for what it is, and it's in good fun.

Speaker 1 Brian tried. Brian even tried to neg it.
He even tried to say, I don't like it. He gave it for a screen.
He had to basically say, you know what? In the end,

Speaker 1 it's allowed. This is something that if President Eisenhower had looked upon, he'd be like, and that's why we fought the Japanese.
You know, like, that's what our American flags are for.

Speaker 1 They used to have this horrible concept there at the Bikini Beans. Are you ready for this? They would make you pay for your training.

Speaker 1 So if you got trained there, you would then owe them $300

Speaker 1 before you ever got a paycheck. Arizona.

Speaker 1 According to Matt H, I follow Bikini Beans Coffee on Instagram because of their beautiful baristas. I stopped at this business while I was visiting Tempe.

Speaker 1 Their coffee is very good and the service is friendly. They were a bit slow getting my odor out.
It was great seeing the beautiful ladies and their smiles.

Speaker 1 I was disappointed when I was unable to get a picture with the girls. Oh, come on.
They said they couldn't come outside and stay inside the building.

Speaker 1 Yes, they're like a thing that if we stay like in the bulletproof glass, like we don't get taken. You know, like it's just like girls getting taken, you know?

Speaker 1 So, according back to Matt H, if you want to get a picture, they said if you stop by about closing time, you can get a picture of them.

Speaker 1 So, a perfect time to stop here would probably be between 9:30 and 10 p.m.

Speaker 1 Is this what the manager told them?

Speaker 1 This is when the girls are

Speaker 1 alone

Speaker 1 talking to their cars. Girls, run, run.
He gave it us three stars because he couldn't touch them. Good God.
He couldn't wrap his meaty, yelping paws around him. Fucking Indianapolis Matt A.

Speaker 1 Oh, the Indian. I can't even imagine the sadness inside of the Indianapolis bikini beans.
Oh, my God. And what that must be like.

Speaker 1 Because I just feel like the Indianapolis bikini meetings just has me working there. That's force schooning if you live there.
Hey, you want a red eye or a fucking black guy? If I ask her up here.

Speaker 1 They don't have one. Hey.
They don't have one there, I don't think. Hey, buddy, yeah.
Oh, yeah. You think they're bringing out Bridget when it's 20 degrees out? No, they got me.
Barnaby.

Speaker 1 All right, I got the tents to fill out the suit. You got a fucking problem with it?

Speaker 1 Gooning in Indianapolis is just jerking off a bratwurst.

Speaker 1 I can't believe it will not come. Gooning in Indianapolis, I think, is, God, that's my, it's going to be my fucking album.

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Speaker 1 Hira, you got to give us some stories before we get out of here. We got to run through some stories.
We got to do more. Well, this one, if we only get to one, this one I feel like sparks

Speaker 1 a debate here um a woman used fart selfies to harass a partner's ex okay a woman yeah yeah this is yeah this is interesting this is interesting all right a woman who sent videos of herself passing wind in a series of harassing messages to her boyfriend's ex-partner has been given a community order that's right yeah she got 12 months of fucking parole she got sending fart videos for sending fart videos now over what

Speaker 1 this is uk This is UK. This is the UK, so that's a part of it to remember.
Yeah, this is definitely the UK. She sent more than

Speaker 1 three more fart selfies to Deborah on WhatsApp on December 22nd, right before Christmas. Maybe that's why it could have been a gift.
People are upset.

Speaker 1 Four more in the following week. But then it was one was Boxing Day.
Yeah, she got shot. And New Year's Day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is honestly, you know, you got your biggest fucking fart saved up for those days. Oh, my God.
She's been eating ham. After Christmas dinner? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Christmas Day, you've been fucking pounding the ham, and then you've been drinking fucking, especially in fucking in the UK, they're drinking all the Nogs. All that beer, too.
Oh, my God. Noggs.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. The beer runs through a woman.
So Evans was arrested at her home, admitted to sending the videos, and was given a 12-month community order and fines.

Speaker 1 She suggested she wanted to send videos because she felt her partner was being treated unfairly and said that it was purely malicious.

Speaker 1 She was smirking throughout and found it hilarious, but the victim did not find it hilarious. Yeah, definitely not.
Because that was the point.

Speaker 1 She's sending fart videos to her ex, which should be one of the most celebrated, non-invasive ways to tell someone to go fuck themselves.

Speaker 1 It really is like the most innocent way to attack your partner's ex. But we have, we have had this happen a lot because UK has a different what they really are more concerned with it seems over.

Speaker 1 They don't like farts as much as we do. Oh, that's not true.
You don't think so? You think so?

Speaker 1 There are just some. This is one thing that you'll discover even more as you research deep into things in the UK.
Yeah. The type of horny that a really

Speaker 1 gross British couple are into. You know what I mean? With the big ears, big crooked noses, horrible fucking Adam's apples, spindly knees,

Speaker 1 fucking gray skin, bad. That's how they look, right?

Speaker 1 These guys are fucking, they're eating each other's farts. They're eating each other's shit.
Yeah, the nice ones.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying they are like, that's a normal couple in some of these smaller towns in the UK, right? Like, that's what they do. Yeah.
So farts are like, they've been doing farts forever.

Speaker 1 Benny Hill, like Shakespeare, Shakespeare had fart humor. Comedy Beavers as well are fart humor.
Like literally, yes. Shakespeare had plenty of farts.

Speaker 1 Farts are actually a huge part of the entertainment history of the UK. I'm not even being

Speaker 1 facetious. No.
Which is hilarious to even use a word. Facetious when you're you're talking about fart culture.
And so fart culture, I would never even think to be facetious about fart culture. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. And the first fart joke came back from the Sumerians.
That's how old fart humor is. The fact that this woman can't freely send.

Speaker 1 And because, well, it's because in the UK, it seems, as when we did the Somerset GIMP and we did a couple other people,

Speaker 1 they really, they have a, which I do. I like the.
I remember the Somerset GIMP. He would just show up

Speaker 1 and get stepped on or something. But he would jerk, he he would rub his genitals in front of people.
And in the UK, they take that way more seriously than we do in the United States of America.

Speaker 1 They take the concept of you breaking my consent by showing me something I don't want to see. Like in America, we're just used to it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I feel like I've just seen so many people fucking, I saw a man openly take his shit. I've seen men fucking masturbate.
I've seen homeless women's open pussy.

Speaker 1 I've seen all that kind of stuff, right? And it just balances. Gates is about to be the surgeon guneral.

Speaker 1 Very good, Eddie. Got him.

Speaker 1 Taking him down a penny. They say the first joke ever recorded was a fart joke.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it should have been. It's so silly.
I mean, that's how you get kids to laugh. It was a Sumerian proverb: something which has never occurred since time immemorial.

Speaker 1 A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This woman said that the reason she was. I think I actually had an Uber driver say that to me.

Speaker 1 Well, at the time she sent the video, she had some drinks and then she sent them, understanding that this has caused the victim some distress. Yeah, she tried to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she sent them without malicious intent. Yes, she did.
I think she sent them with malicious intent. Yeah, she sent a fork video to her fucking husband's ex.
Why is this that complicated or bad?

Speaker 1 But I'm still like, I know it's rude. Yeah.
But I don't see the crime. How is this a crime? How is it a crime? I don't see the crime.
Side stories, L-P-O-T-L-A-Gmail.com. I think most of the time.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's harassment. I think people are.
Put the ass in harassment.

Speaker 1 If you could.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I've had a couple of people even say that they think that Eddie and I take the side of the bully often.

Speaker 1 Only because, in

Speaker 1 my view, is I

Speaker 1 think that over-punishing something stupid, I hate red tape. I hate the concept of

Speaker 1 this is something that very much so could have been sort of handled between y'all, right?

Speaker 1 Like, you could have been like, hey, stop sending me fart videos, or I'm going to come over there and slash your tires or like old school blocker yeah you can block the numbers you know what you also watch it you don't have to watch the fart videos you know what you also could definitely do and i want to say this to everybody with power you know what you can do close your phone yeah it's on the phone you're on your phone too much all you had to do was just not look at the text from your

Speaker 1 your ex's new girlfriend. Why are you looking at the texts? Don't look at them.
Delete them. Don't be involved.
Why do so many people want to go back to their exes?

Speaker 1 Why are people so obsessed with their exes? Move on. Just move the fuck on.
If they're going to text you, Billy, great. Who cares? I'm getting fucking cornholded by somebody else now.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking with that golf DJ that you knew that I was going to be with. You're getting cornholded by a golf DJ? I'm playing in the character of the ex.

Speaker 1 I think the ex took it too far by bringing it to the police. Of course.
By being like, because then what this is all doing is just playing you further into the ex's fucking world.

Speaker 1 Well, she knew she had her fucking ass in a sling because now she's got to go to to 60. Because her ass was on the fucking phone.
And her ass is in. Honestly, she and she's

Speaker 1 not to be anything. She looks like she could really fart.
Yeah. She does look like she has some in her.
But she's cute. I like her.
She seems nice.

Speaker 1 Is there like a creative way to get revenge, even though there's no revenge to get? Why is this a crime?

Speaker 1 I don't know why it's a crime, but she has 60 days of alcohol abstinence monitoring and two-year restraining order against the victims. She has to not drink for two years because of the

Speaker 1 two-year restraining order against the victim, 60 days alcohol abstinence, and 15 rehabilitation sessions. I will say this lady must love that I just looked up her name, Rhiannon Evans, farts,

Speaker 1 and it's just her. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And then if you type in her name and charts, farts, it's the first thing that comes up. Of course, which is punishment enough.
That's punishment enough.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I really do think that the social punishment of her name now being forever tied to the word farts yeah is enough i mean i think it's great for her of course she was smirking she was fixing her she was shooting herself for farting yeah it's funny to do it is it is it was on the day after christmas it's hilarious it is funny you got them farts she didn't have to smell them same thing with

Speaker 1 over the phone oh did you seriously you know what actually eddie that does bring me too i actually could further understand if she came and farted on your pants or property even

Speaker 1 but still, not. I don't even think it's fine.
I think it's fine. Technically, I bring the HOA in.
I had, dude, I had this situation. Tell me what you think about this.

Speaker 1 I almost got in a fight in the bathroom a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 1 At work? No, not. No, it's a solo bathroom.
So I've had to get in a fight with myself. Yeah, I was about to say, yeah, like you shouldn't be doing that.
Yeah, I would just be kicking the toilet.

Speaker 1 I got to fight. No,

Speaker 1 no, but I'm fucking and fighting and kissing, tugging. So I'm at a urinal, and I let a big ol' fart out.
And the guy next to me looks at me and goes, really?

Speaker 1 I would deck him in the mouth. I was like, we've talked about this endlessly.
We have talked about this on this show. We've already talked about this.
This debate is settled. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You fart at the urinal. Yeah.
It's a bathroom. It's a bathroom.
You can fart it.

Speaker 1 I literally looked at him like, where the fuck do you want me to do it? And then he immediately realized he was wrong. Well, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's, first of all, don't talk to me.

Speaker 1 I'm a gentleman. Also, you came in here and did it.
Him talking to you is the violation of the urinal code. Yeah, I got my dick out.

Speaker 1 The only way you're you're supposed to talk to each other if you go like if the only thing he ever should have done was nice yes exactly that's what that's what a man is supposed to do yeah and that's why

Speaker 1 i told you you know who's really good at this trans men yeah you get them in that fucking bathroom because they are they can't like that's what i like as a hardcore trans man you could do that thing where you go like fucking dude what the fuck dude and they are ready to go They're hearting.

Speaker 1 They're shitting. They don't give a fuck, dude.
They're low down, man. They're going to go out there.
They're going to fucking fight for you, man. Yeah, man.
I got so fucking mad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that makes me want to get other cis men out.

Speaker 1 You can't handle a fart. Yeah.
This is a fucking bathroom, dog. This is civil war going on.
Yes. I'm farting.
I'm parting. We know this, though, but we've already, we know this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the audience knows this.

Speaker 1 Well, I think we should get this to listener mail. Yeah, let's get this to listener meal, Eddie.

Speaker 1 There was a podiatrist who got caught jerking off at people, but we don't need it.

Speaker 1 Well, honestly, the most disgusting thing about the podiatrist was the fact that he was a podiatrist without a license, which I think is what kind of pervert do we have to be to voluntarily be a podiatrist.

Speaker 1 And then jerking off while you're touching feet all day. Well, he does.
Well, it's also the sad part about, I mean, now we're doing the story.

Speaker 1 He got caught because he got jerked off in that front window, right? And then the lady called. He's like, I think somebody's jerking off my front window.

Speaker 1 And then the saddest assignment that a cop had to get, which was then put on duty, watching that window, and had to watch the man go jerk off at the window, watch him leave, go collect the cum in a little cup to go make sure it's the guy.

Speaker 1 I don't see that. That's a bad job.

Speaker 1 That's a shitty day at work. That's a shitty day.
Yeah. That's all your job is.
If this guy was a gooner, he would have never got caught.

Speaker 1 See? Goonists. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some goonists have a point.

Speaker 1 No material left behind. But also, I just really, I brought this up last time.
We talked about a cum bandit.

Speaker 1 They're not stealing cum. They're leaving it.
Don't call them bandits. I'm sick of this shit.
It's because it's not, no banditry is happening.

Speaker 1 They're sick of these people being called cum bandits. They are just, they are, essentially, they are mailmen for ejaculate.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so let's think. You're right, Eddie.
Thank you. So mad.
You should. All right, so here we go.
Let's talk a little bit about this.

Speaker 1 I got a couple of go, I got a couple, these two letters in a row that I'm excited about. I was peripherally involved in a UAP incident at Vandenberg Air Force Base in 2003.

Speaker 1 I had just transferred to Vandenberg Air Force Base as a Security Forces staff sergeant in late October, early November. I was assigned to Delta flight, which was the night shift.

Speaker 1 The master sergeant in charge was giving me the tour of all the secured areas before I actually started working.

Speaker 1 He told me that he needed to stop by the LE desk, which is what we call the police station for the base.

Speaker 1 The master sergeant went into his office, and I decided to get to know the two guys working there that night. After a while, they asked if I could watch the office while they stepped out for a smoke.

Speaker 1 A couple of minutes later the phone rang. A woman claiming to be a dispatcher with California Highway Patrol was asking me if we had any planes in the air.

Speaker 1 I told her that due to security reasons I couldn't give her that information.

Speaker 1 She then said that two chips were pulled over on Highway 1 which ran through Vandenberg and were observing green lights over the base.

Speaker 1 I immediately thought this was a case of play a prank on the new guy, but the two guys stopped smoking and ran in.

Speaker 1 They recognized the dispatcher on the phone as one as they have communicated with in the past, so she was legit. After a brief conversation, they laughed off the incident and politely ended the call.

Speaker 1 Just then, the flight chief darted out of his office and sped off. I was stranded at the LE desk for a few hours.

Speaker 1 Just before sunrise, he returned saying he had taken eight sworn statements from security forces members across the base who had all seen a quote red cube moving silently overhead.

Speaker 1 that was the last I heard of the incident until yesterday when I saw a program covering the incident on vice

Speaker 1 yes which is true that it was the cube event there is a cube event there is a big there are multiple cube events yes okay and cube is a new this is a new shape cube's been around there's been cubes i know that's weird so it's just like a floating square or is it or it's like this or is it like a like it's it's kind of cube it's got oh it's got edges you keep saying cube but how many sides like it looks like a that the one around that round that shit not a cube that looks like a dnd die yeah so that's not a cube okay

Speaker 1 that's the cube but that also looks like a dnd die it's because you're seeing it it's semi-translucent so as you can see through it because that's kind of what they're saying it seems to be sort of like a glass box a glass cube okay something inside of it that's mostly what we see

Speaker 1 we don't know what the hell that shit is so cubes are this is old news kind of yes all right but this is new news this next one's new news all right all right that was a kite that's found out to be a balloon unfortunately Now, this one, I think that it's also going to bring on some conversation.

Speaker 1 All right. Because I really think that this is egregious.

Speaker 1 You're right? I'm going to throw up.

Speaker 1 This week's segment on buffet-related crimes

Speaker 1 reminds me of a crime that I witnessed many years ago.

Speaker 1 My husband and I were out at our local Chinese buffet, enjoying our usual date-night dinner after working up a mighty appetite, canoeing, and swimming all day. I know what that code for.

Speaker 1 Yeah, getting canoed. Butt sex.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Canoed, canoeed, canoeed. Now you've gone too far.
I'm trying to figure out a new one. I know.

Speaker 1 I applaud you. Sooner or later, come is gonna get you.

Speaker 1 Sooner or later, come is gonna get you.

Speaker 1 I eagerly grabbed my plate, ready to slam my holes all full. Not someone says, and get into the line, ready to load up on some Americanized Chinese goodness.

Speaker 1 To my horror, I saw an enormously fat woman in line directly ahead of me picking out all the remaining beef out of the beef and broccoli. It's rude, but I have to say, oh no, it's allowed.

Speaker 1 It is not. I would be upset.
Yeah. It is allowed.
Especially out of the broccoli.

Speaker 1 So you mean to tell me this is a dish by the name of beef and broccoli. You don't just get to pick out the meat.
and leave none for everyone else.

Speaker 1 Doing that kind of shit in public makes all of us, either, all of the rest of us fat people, look bad. He's correct.
Or you lose weight because you're just going to have broccoli.

Speaker 1 But no, it's all covering the sauce. You're right.
Same. Same.
Right.

Speaker 1 I went back to my table with my beef and broccoli list plate and complained bitterly to my husband, but Faye Staff did put out a new tray within 10 minutes, of course. Great.

Speaker 1 But the damage was done. To this day, the beef and broccoli lady is mentioned in our house when discussing shamelessly gluttonous behavior.
Yeah, because that is the truth. Don't let people see it.

Speaker 1 You know, I get it. People don't like vegetables.
You need to learn to like vegetables. Oh, God.
I just got a lecture today.

Speaker 1 You got to like vegetables, but people don't like vegetables, but you got to mix them in. And you've got to at least pretend for other people.
Yeah. Pretend for other people.
You know what I do think?

Speaker 1 It could have been one of those situations where, you know, like sometimes you're at a Chinese buffet and they will like take the food you don't eat and like weigh it and charge you. That does happen.

Speaker 1 And she knew she wasn't going to eat the broccoli and she didn't want to get charged. Well, she should just then do something that has no broccoli in it whatsoever.

Speaker 1 Well, then there's, but then you need to put out a beef only dish. Where's the Mongolian beef? I don't think that was there.
There's a beef and broccoli dish. You can just eat some of the broccoli's.

Speaker 1 That's what I think you need to eat.

Speaker 1 She can eat some of the broccoli, but I'm just, I'm giving, I'm saying I understand where she's coming from. I think that this might actually cause some debates.
I had stories L-P-O-T L at gmail.com.

Speaker 1 Yes. I do feel like there are people that will say that it's a buffet.
You're allowed to pick elements. Yeah.
But part of me thinks that

Speaker 1 I hate pea shoots. Well, just the concept of you.

Speaker 1 If I did, if there was like chicken and there were pea shoots in there, I would work around the pea shoots, especially if I was able to do do it.

Speaker 1 I'm just locked in by a sense of a supreme food-based embarrassment. Like the idea of choosing the ends of the meat that are left would make me, I know that I'm disappointing someone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And because I know. But you also are a line cutter.
I'm not a line cutter. Yeah, you admitted it.
No, I'm not. Last week, you said you cut the line.

Speaker 1 I was absolved by people saying that, no, it's true. On a second swipe through, you can go to the food that you want.
Yeah. You were absolved by a bunch of other rude goon.
No, no good guys.

Speaker 1 Good people. Yeah, people who also cut the line.
Places to go. Things to do.
People to see. Things to make.
Nah, man. Love to make.
You're at a buffet.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't be in a rush if you're at a buffet. Yeah, sometimes you have to be because business calls.
It is a quick way to get food. It is.

Speaker 1 Well, just know the other year. There's some rules people say don't double dip.
Be respectful with your turn to line. Give the other diner space.
Sure. But still,

Speaker 1 I'm just looking for a break.

Speaker 1 Don't don't eat in the line. Don't tell me what to do.
These rules are rules. You should not eat.
This is Google AI. He was going, I don't want to listen to Google AI.
No, no, you can eat in the line.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah. No, you can't.
Absolutely. That is fucking unsanitary.
You really think you can't eat in the buffet line?

Speaker 1 Well, I have trauma because when I was a child, I got caught eating mushrooms at the Ponderosa right out of the, not mushrooms, marshmallows out of the, out of the, right out of the dip.

Speaker 1 And then, and it was right by the soft serve, and I was just eating the marshmallows, and then I went back to my table.

Speaker 1 And And then the guy who, the manager came over and he's like, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you all have to leave because this child was eating the marshmallows. And then I was like six.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I just

Speaker 1 really. My father was happy, though, because he got a free meal for all of us.

Speaker 1 You know, I did not know what I stumbled upon.

Speaker 1 Because this is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Especially in a Ponderosa. I do feel like, yes, I see why you're obsessed and why you are upset.
Why

Speaker 1 this story really does ring true for you. Oh my God, the crime wave has a midnight buffet every night.
Dude, I'm going to be a king of that midnight buffet. That midnight buffet.
Wait, you have to.

Speaker 1 I fucking can't live every day.

Speaker 1 You live every day, this Thursday, this Friday, waiting for those tickets to come out for this cruise.

Speaker 1 And then you are going to love the fact that you have purchased not even two, I'm saying one ticket to the crime wavelc.com slash left this Friday.

Speaker 1 And then you were going to laugh your entire cruise when you're out there because we are going to fucking cause some fucking mayhem on this cruise. But we can only do it if you're there.

Speaker 1 And I mean this. We don't get more money if we sell more tickets.
We're literally on a, there's not even, I mean it. We are literally just do, I need you to come.

Speaker 1 There are going to be some normies there who are going to be very upset about what they're see us saying. It's going to be wonderful.
And you're going to love it.

Speaker 1 And that's why all I'm saying is that like, so we like, we're not even pushing tickets because we make more money to sell the fucking tickets. We're literally pushing these once.

Speaker 1 I want you there. I want you to see what in the living hell this is going to be.
Sinister Hood is also doing it. So that's going to be cool.

Speaker 1 They're there, and I'm certain they'll be doing a lot of stuff. So we can bring your white wine and you can sit.

Speaker 1 You can't bring the white wine. You have to buy what's on the boat.
Yeah, and then you bring it to the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some of these ladies, there's going to be some intense ladies.

Speaker 1 We're bringing our wives for protection. I was actually thinking about bringing extra security.
I've just, I want to, you know, what I want is the crew from fucking, what's his name? I'm from

Speaker 1 the Gaddafi. Oh, Gaddafi? You know, the crew.
The security didn't do a great job. I must say.
It's because

Speaker 1 he wasn't a good boss. Anal knifing? Yeah, he wasn't a good boss.

Speaker 1 That's the problem. I'm a great boss.
Go to patriot.com slash last podcast and left and watch me be a great boss on side stories. Cain Pixels.
Yeah, Cain Pixels is already there.

Speaker 1 Our interview with that child went went great. Yeah, he is

Speaker 1 so much smarter

Speaker 1 and very intelligent. It was intimidating in a weird way.
And talking with him, I felt like I wanted to ask advice of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In my mind, I'm like, I got to give this kid advice.

Speaker 1 Then I'm like, what are you talking about? He's fucking directing a movie. He knows everything.
He knows everything. He's very, very smart.
Go check that out.

Speaker 1 And go to on our socials at LP on the left. You can go check it out on TikTok.
Go help China a leg up over on TikTok. And go to twitch.tv slash LPN TV to watch our Twitch streams.

Speaker 1 And then go to our YouTube channel where we currently have honestly I think our greatest triumph and good put. Yeah.
Oh, it was a great episode. I love our episode of the

Speaker 1 New Year's Eve resolution checkup. Yeah, bad cop, fat cop.
Yep. It's really cool.
And also tomorrow on Thursday, February 6th is the hoopicugo game. We're coming back.

Speaker 1 HGX2, Natalie's going to be on the show.

Speaker 1 We got Frank Castillo and Mike Lawrence Joe. That's going to be so much fun.
It's going to be a really great one. And then make sure you check us out on the road.

Speaker 1 We got February 22nd in Dallas, March 14th in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium. And then side stories, just Henry and I is going to be in Huntsville on March 16th.

Speaker 1 We got April 18th, Detroit. May 3rd, Toronto.
June 28th, Atlanta. The 29th is already sold out for side stories at Dad's Garage.
Yep. The other one, but we are ready to go.

Speaker 1 These shows are going to be fucking great. I can't wait.
And then we're going to announce some more. Florida dates coming up for side stories.

Speaker 1 And I'm doing a full solo stand-up tour, which i'll be announcing next week in florida in march and in may so get ready for that if you live in florida it's going to be a lot of fun i love you guys um yeah

Speaker 1 hell yeah kale satan hell you know what Hail Satan again. Thank you.
Yeah. And you know, and down with the gooners.
Hey, man, I say up with the gooners. And why don't you go ahead and come, guys?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just come. Here's your fucking permission.
Here's your permission to come. Just give it a shot once, see how it goes.
Just once we can get them, then we can kind of get their brains back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get rid of one.
Because I think you're backed up with all that extra semen that's making you make some bad decisions. We're supposed to come, guys.
Right?

Speaker 1 Like, you want to get it out of your prostate. You want to be coming at least 20 times a month for the sake of fucking lowering your prostate.
Literally, just to lower your state, your

Speaker 1 possibility of getting prostate cancer. Yeah.
So, just fucking goon it for your health.

Speaker 1 Don't goon it for your health. Doom cover.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Coom it for your health.

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