Episode 607: The Tragedy of the Batavia Part III - Bored to Death

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there's no place to escape to this is the last podcast on the left

that's when the cannibalism started

who's that? Oh, yeah! Um, so for today's episode, we're going to be talking about, obviously, some of the worst sea-based crimes since what happened to Ariel. Who? The littlest mermaid.
But from the last I saw, she wasn't so little to me. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so you're going to start this whole thing with talking about how attractive you think the little mermaid is.
I'm just saying. Which one? That's not how I want to know.
I want to know which one. It just kind of went there.
I didn't mean to be there. I'm a flounder man myself.
Oh, I know. You love...
He loves a bottom feeder. Put your eyes on one side.
Let me slide underneath. Slither on top of my body, you little yellow and blue fuck.
This is what I... I didn't want to do this to us.
I actually wanted to make the announcement that I'm taking the payout from the CIA. I am leaving the show.
Yes, but thankfully, I was. Obviously, the CIA gave me the payout.
I took it. I was going to go.
Thankfully, last second, right before, I mean this, in the seconds before we were going to record, I was walking out. You guys were trying to stop me.
I just got the contract in from the NSA. I'm locked in for another 10 years.
Nice. Wow, so you're with them now.
Yeah. All right, great.
Perfect. And to all of our listeners out there, keep fighting the good fight, you motherfuckers out there.
And the horrible landscape that we find ourselves in at this very moment. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen.
My name's Marcus Parks. I'm here with Henry.
Hey. NSA Zabrowski.
And let me just tell you, we're listening. We're holding space for the American people.
Don't the people of the NSA have to shut up? Yeah, that's kind of... Sometimes, if you make so much noise, you make people think they can't be heard yes yes and the man asking the logical questions here ed larson hello yes and i believe god now because i have to legally apparently oh well yes thank you but you know what's really funny about this story is that it's really going to stress that.

Yeah, yeah.

You're going to see a lot of parallels in this story.

But before we get back into the tale of the Batavia, we'd like to clear something up that confused us back in episode one. Yeah, yeah.
If you'll remember, before upper merchant Pelsart was put in charge of the Batavia, he had accidentally contributed to the death of a noblewoman in India when she drank a bottle of clove oil in his room just before they had sex. Yeah, it happens.
Every day. Yeah, and we had no idea why Pelsart would have a bottle of clove oil present, but a helpful listener filled us in.
Remember that Pelsart was a horny little devil. Yes.
And apparently, clove oil has been used for centuries as a sexual lubricant.

Okay.

Particularly for anal sex.

So that's why you used the term that the listener filled us in.

Yes.

Unintentional pun, but I like it.

I'm packed, jammed with information in my ass.

That makes sense, yeah.

And sailors love anal sex, historically. Well, clove oil is slippery, and it's a natural analgesic.
Am I pronouncing that right? Analgesic, analgesic? I don't fucking know. I don't know.
Fuck juice. Yes, thank you, Eddie.
Well, that means that it numbs whatever tissue it comes in contact with. These properties make it among the best anal lubes around.
And in fact, clove oil is still used in anal lubrication products today. The preferred brand for many being Swiss Navy, or so I've been told.
And you know how much the Swiss love holes. That's the Dutch.
Oh, but you said the Swiss Navy. Cheese joke.
I. It's a cheese joke.
I was thinking about sticking fingers in the

dikes. Yeah, I was thinking about ass sex.

I was thinking about fucking

ass and mouths.

You can do that.

I do think what's also nice about clove oil

is after you're done doing it, right,

and you fucking ram or jam

either the little cabin boy or

the noble woman there,

right afterwards, she smells like Christmas. Wow.
That's nice. Nice spice.
Because pine trees, they don't really use that much. No, no, no.
That's a bad lubricant. If you're using a pine cone, you are not in charge.
So now that we got that out of the way, let's return to the Batavia. Yay! So finally some good news!

When we last left the doomed ship, it had been shipwrecked for four days on a reef 50 miles off the western coast of Australia. Once the Batavia was deemed a loss, the survivors took refuge on a chain of mostly barren islands called Hauptmann's Abrolhos.
Chiefly, the Batavia had rammed into the reef at full speed

Because its captain, Ariana Batavia had rammed into the reef at full speed

because its captain, Ariana Jacobs,

had become wrapped up in a mutiny plot

with VOC undermerchant Euronymous Cornelis.

He had therefore missed the ever-important turn north

to the West Indies island of Java,

where the VOC had set up its corporate colonial capital.

He's doing the L.A. thing,

where they say, like, north, south, east, west, right for on the thing, and that doesn't make any sense to anyone. In my mind, it's left.
It's like he's making that left. He's got it.
That's all he had to do. I know, but I say left because that's how I understand it.
I don't understand north. You don't understand north? I actually brought this up to Natalie.
Actually, my wife also doesn't understand directions either. Yeah, I want to talk want to talk about this really quick, right before you go into this.
Very quick. I just want to ask this just straight up.
I know we're beginning this, the very beginning of the episode, and this is really fucking dragging us, right? But is the north pole the top of the earth? Oh, fuck you. And is the south pole the bottom of the earth? Or does that not matter in that question? What do you mean does that not matter? It's north top and south bottom.
Why? What else would it be? South could be top. It's just south.
The earth doesn't rotate that way. What do you mean? The earth rotates around this way.
Not like this. Doesn't it kind of go back and forth? I mean, kind of sort of, but it still rotates the same way.
What if sun's upside down? Doesn't matter. What if the Milky Way is upside down? Oh, my God.
This whole fucking thing's derailed immediately. You're not allowed to lead a ship.
I'm not. Yeah, you're going to be fucking putting us right.
You put us into the reef of a fucking North Pole conversation. I'm a chef.
All right? I would be the boat chef. I would be the boat main prostitute to the women in order for the men that are infertile and looking to impregnate a woman on the boat.
Oh, so the men pay you to fuck their wives. Yes, I'm a cum donor by cash.
Yes. The cooker.
Thank you. Well, back to the Batavia.
After upper merchant Francisco Pelsart spent four days searching for fresh water to no avail, in addition to directing the retrieval of as much VOC loot as could be recovered, he decided, as the man in charge of the expedition, that the VOC's best interest would be served if he left to get help in Java on the Batavia's best lifeboat. And so, on June 8, 1628, upper merchant Pelsart took the ship's best sailors and a handful of the Batavia's paying customers and pushed off with 48 people all told.
Now, this is the last we're going to hear of Pelsart today. Yep, on this episode.
So he goes to look for water, and we don't know if he's going to come back. Yeah.
But he's also going to try and go to Java and see what happens up there. Absolutely.
There was, however, still the issue of the brewing mutiny, which Pelsart had sussed out after the mutineer's pathetic attempt to get him to punish the entire crew by attacking his crush with a bucket of feces and tar while wearing disguises. But I liked her! But now she's got dookie on her.
But I think that, and it shows Pelsart's real love for her in the end. Does it? Because he left her on the island to die.
But he did wipe the poo-poo off of her. And he still looked at her and said...
Just because you got a napkin doesn't mean you love somebody. I'm just saying I think it's's refreshing that he wiped the Duke off of her and said, you know what?

You're still cute.

And I think that's one of the bravest things that a captain can say. Not cute enough to take the job.
No. She's just, he didn't want people to fight over her on the boat.
Yeah. Well, so he left her with all the rapacious fucking sailors and semen.
I think he was like, we'll figure this out later. Let's put a pin in this.
But while there had been anywhere between 8 and 18 men involved in the mutiny before the shipwreck, the only two mutineers Pelsard had positively pegged were Captain Arianna Jacobs and the Boatswain. And yes, we're now well aware that the word Boatswain is generally pronounced bosun.
I, however, am of the opinion that pronouncing it bosun robs the word of its magic, because I love saying boatswain. It's a better word.
Boatswain's a much better word. Than bosun? Yeah, than bosun.
It's just what the word is, how it's pronounced. It's spelled boatswain.
It's because it's British and they're difficult on purpose. That's how it's generally pronounced.
It can also be pronounced boatswain. So I suppose I'll just have to endure the chuckles of all our seamen out there.
Yes. Because for me, it'll always be boatswain.
Because you know how big we are amongst sailors. Very big amongst the sailing community.
Lots of sailors listen. Lots of men.
Lots of admirals. We have a ton of listeners in the Navy.
It's true. A ton.
So I'm

sorry Navy people, but I'm gonna have to

go with Boat Swing. Well, it came from a lot of people

watch that show Below Deck. Yeah.
And we

don't. Nope.
So that's not a reality

TV show that we have ever touched, and

the bosun on that one apparently

got cancelled. I see.
Yeah, so I

guess that's how they all know the word bosun.

Also, if you're in the Navy,

just let me know if you need me to send you some clove oil. Because it sounds like, honestly, it's really, really, I heard that song.
But since Pelsart knew the captain and the boatswain were a part of the mutiny plot, he decided to keep his enemies close and ordered them to join him on the rescue mission to Java. with their mutineers still scattered the captain and the boat swain had no choice but to comply and face whatever fate awaited them at the voc colonial capital now upper merchant pelsart told everyone before leaving that he would try as hard as he could to find a source of fresh water and replenish the island supplies before ultimately ultimately making his way to Java 2,000 miles north.
But this gave survivors a tiny bit of hope that they weren't being abandoned completely, because the water was already gone when Pelsart left, and there was no small number of people stranded on this barren strip of dirt. The survivors left behind were a motley crew of 270 people, a mix of hard-bitten seamen and soldiers, tradesmen like the carpenters and the ship surgeon, paying passengers both male and female, the children of those passengers, lots of cabin boys, and a number of VOC officers like Euronymous Cornelis.
Can those paying customers get a refund? I would hope so, but I would imagine knowing the VOC, they probably signed a document before they left saying that shipwreck would not result in a refund. Yeah, like a release.
I bet you there was some form of agreement. Yeah.
Fucking Dutch. Right? Right? I don't even know, man.
Just stay with the windmills. Now, we said at the end of the last episode that Euronymous Cornelis was left in charge after upper merchant Pelsart left the islands.
But that's not entirely accurate in the sense that Pelsart explicitly gave Euronymous the authority to give orders to the survivors. In fact, Euronymous wasn't even the most senior VOC officer left behind.
Pelsart had also abandoned his personal clerk and the Batavia's provost. A provost, in case you didn't know, that's the guy that's like, he's sort of the security chief in charge of keeping the sailors in line.
He's not high ranking, but he's definitely, he's not above the boatswain, but kind of right below the boatswain. Okay.
But he's like, he's got to be a jerk off. Yeah, he's the AD.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's for all the military people.
He's basically an MP. Okay, great.
Yeah. But that being said, Euronymous was given authority over what little supplies were left.
So while he didn't start with explicit control, he was given the means to consolidate power and manipulate survivors.

It would, however, take Euronymous a few days to realize just how big of an opportunity this really was.

Because also they had no idea how long Pelsart was going to be gone.

No.

When he left, they thought maybe, you know, for a second, maybe we'll find water right over there.

Maybe there's Australia.

Maybe it's right there.

Like they've talked about they knew that there were places that there were people living out here that maybe we can find one. And for 2000 miles after you've already traveled from fucking Netherlands, like it's really not that far.
So Java's actually kind of gettable. Like they are like, it's really, really close.
And so Uranimish knows just a little bit that if Pelsart comes back, he's also going to come back with a whole army of dudes as well. Yeah, also, it's like, you know, he's also probably going to die on this trip.
It's a rowboat 2,000 miles. Bad odds.
Low, low odds. Yeah.
But Euronimus also knows that Pelsart took all of the best sailors. So he's got the best minds possible to get him to Java alive.
Now, as far as the environment on which these survivors were suddenly stuck, the description given puts one in the mind of a particularly unpleasant version of purgatory. The average rainfall on the Hauptmanabrolos island chain

was four inches a month,

but there were few places for water to pool.

That's what I give my wife.

Continue.

Sorry, I needed to say it.

All right?

I'm sorry.

As such, most of the islands were mostly dry and lifeless,

barren strips of coral rubble with no hills, no trees, and no caves. Besides a few bushes here and there, these islands were little more than pieces of dirt nestled in a maze of coral that threatened to destroy any boat that dared sail through.
And on top of that, there were winds that could reach up to 80 miles an hour, constantly blowing. It's also kind of crazy because it's really just mounds of dirt in the middle of vast, unconquerable ocean.
So it must be very frightening as a group of 270 people just standing on the very top of the ocean. Just like looking around being like, oh, well, oh, let's, oh, let's, oh, it's going to be my birthday next week.
Like, what did you do? Also, the coral's just jagged as fuck. It's rough.
It's, like, very healthy back then. Now coral's fucked.
Yeah. Now coral's bleached worse than John Stamos' asshole.
Really funny, really funny, Eddie. But also, I think that this shows our attack on the coral is not wrong.
Yeah. And I think partially, yes, this is, you know, these corals need to mind their place.
Yeah. And if any corals out there are listening, you can go fuck yourself with you trying to get in the way of commerce.
Okay. Oh, here's one more quart oil.
Yeah, motherfuckers. You see what happens when you get in the way of commerce.
Yeah, buddy. I'm coming down there with a fucking...
I'm going to take an old school hairspray can and fill a bunch of crabs' mouths with it. Yeah, I'm just fucking got a hair dryer just blowing the water quick and making it hot.
Yeah. Yeah, I fart all day.
Yeah, fuck your ass, coral. Yeah, I'll set myself on fire

to make an extra $5.

Great idea.

Yeah.

But I do love you, coral.

And if you haven't seen a coral reef yet,

you should go because it's all going to die

in the next five years.

Yeah, it's quite beautiful.

It's gone very soon.

Now, while there was little vegetation,

the animal life on the islands

was actually plentiful,

or at least it was

when the survivors of the Batavia arrived.

Thousands of seabirds and hundreds of seals

I don't know. the animal life on the islands was actually plentiful, or at least it was when the survivors of the Batavia arrived.
Thousands of seabirds and hundreds of seals populated these islands, but there certainly weren't enough to sustain 270 people for the months they expected to be there. Furthermore, the birds introduced a hazard, because thousands of birds produce hundreds of pounds of guano, which slicked up every surface and likely splattered the survivors with bird shit on a near constant basis.
Hell yeah. There's something fun about it.
I don't know what it is. Just talking about adding the slick ass shit.
There's constant pratfalls in the middle of this disaster. Well, perhaps worst of all, though,

were the noises the birds made.

Whoa!

One of the species who made their home on Hauptman's Abrolhos

was the mutton bird,

notorious for having a call

that sounds like what I'd imagine

one might hear

while being haunted by the ghost

of a colicky infant.

Okay. Constant, never-ending.
Sounds like J.D. Vance on his couch.
And the couch is going, oh, get off me. Oh, get off me.
Sounds like anal without clove oil. Yeah.
It's called having, you know, River had sex with a dolphin. It's better than having sex with a tuna.
Yeah, tuna because of the tight seal. Hey! Not just for...
You're going to want to get... All right, we're going to wake up my wife.
Arr, you're working me hard, right? You're jangling my rings. Now, just before leaving Hauptman's Abrolos, upper merchant Pelsart had placed 180 survivors on the island that soon came to be known as Batavia's Graveyard.
And the breakdown of the island's population was bad news for a large number of those people. In the beginning, almost half of the population on Batavia's graveyard was as thus.
20 men who had worked as VOC petty officers, coopers, carpenters, and smiths, 21 women, and 40 children. And that, of course, included the numerous cabin boys.
Teenagers, mostly. But the tragedy in the population of Batavia's graveyard lay in the other half, the 100 seamen and soldiers.
These men, with few notable exceptions, were violent, rapacious, amoral, and soon to be very thirsty, very hungry, and worst of all, very bored. You are?'m bored.
Yar, you know what they say, if you're boring, then you're a boring person. Yar, I've heard that before.
But we're kind of really fucked out here, right? Yar, I'm bored. You ever notice if you look at a boy long enough, it becomes a full-grown woman? Yeah, I've played that game before.
That's why I want to kill it so bad. I didn't know what it was that I was feeling, you know.
And then I was looking at it, and I got a little smell of my favorite spice. Oh, we're saved.
I found my Connect Four game. Yeah! Yeah! Or I lost one of the pieces.
Let's cut off one of the boy's nipples. Like, honestly, though, why didn't they, like, I don't know, make checkers out of rocks or something? They had time.
Dude, it just, there's something about total freedom. Yeah.
And unmoored from all societal bounds. Now, without the might of their company behind them, the VOC petty officers had no real authority over the soldiers and sailors on Batavia's graveyard.
So they fell back on protocol to see if they could keep the rougher members of the crew from surrendering to their basest instincts immediately. As was VOC custom, the officers formed a council with the ship's surgeon at its head, because the surgeon was well-liked by everyone on board.
But the council was then filled with other men of status like the provost, Pelsart's clerk, and the minister who was traveling to Java with his family. To represent the soldiers, the council allowed just one man, a corporal, to speak with their voice.
Yar, I'm here for the soldiers and the sailors, and I speak with the same voice as every single one of them. Yar, you heard me.
You have heard the rest. Putting together committees, however, didn't solve the problem of water.
Most of the fresh water that Captain Jacobs had salvaged from the shipwreck was gone by the fourth day and 10 people died from dehydration soon after. To 60.
Just keep that counter going. I know, we really do need a counter.
We're like a stamp every time someone dies, you know, like on the side of a wagon. Yeah.
You know, like back in the day, whenever they slaughter somebody, they like stamp it on the side. Oh, yeah.
Well, it's because the number of people on the island is going to get very important. Yes.
Well, while they were dying of thirst, some drank their urine. Others unadvisedly drank seawater.
And it's very likely, we've seen this happen many a time in our shipwreck series, that they drank the blood

from the seabirds and the adorable

sea lions that were all wiped out

within days of humans being introduced

into their environment. What month is it again?

June. Oh, well, you're not supposed

to drink sea lion blood in a month

that doesn't have an R in it.

Did you know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So basically, from

September to April, you

can drink sea lion blood. Otherwise, it

spoils too much. It fats out

This is in the Southern Hemisphere, right? Yeah, it does change. Things do change.
Oh, so they were probably fine. I don't know.
I guess they're just weak. They really might be very weak.
Also, it kind of is a big rundown of just how humanity, as we spread across the continents, what we did to every single animal and plant life that we encountered, where they talk about how in Australia, when we first arrived to Australia, there used to be 10 to 12 foot wombats that were so big and fat and delicious and so innocent. They had no idea what the fuck it was that we were there for.
And then we ate the living fuck out of them out of existence. And like, those seals probably were like, because they're fine.
And then all of a sudden you got this pink guy shows up and you're like, first you're like, just having a good time. Would you like a barrel? I found this barrel.
You didn't know you invited Hitler into your sea town and you didn't know that there was going to be a culling and your kind. That's the same thing that happened with the dodo.

They say that the dodo was famously dumb.

The dodo was not famously dumb.

The dodo was just very friendly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would just walk right up to him.

You're like, I'm delicious.

Put your fucking head off.

And they would like marinate it in kisses.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Just fucking like do shit where they like bite a chunk out of its ass and throw the rest

of it away.

Just going like, there's so many of them who give a fucking shit.

Honestly, though, I would give anything to eat dodo meat. That's one of my big dreams.
Yeah. Well, soon enough, the problem of freshwater was solved when storms rolled in.
The survivors used sailcloth to catch the rainwater and subsequently caught enough with each rainfall to at least save themselves from death by dehydration. Rations were still, however, very low.
Meanwhile, as people were dying of thirst on Batavia's graveyard, there were still 70 morons trying to ride out the disaster by staying on the rapidly deteriorating corpse of the Batavia. Just throwing gold at each other and shit? Still.
Literally, yeah. That moronic crew included Euronymous Cornelis, who seemingly still had not taken up the responsibility of being in charge of the supplies.
You know what I actually equate that to? It's a little bit of trying to retain a sense of normalcy. Yeah, maybe.
And just being like, we'll just stay on the boat until the very, like, if the boat's here, let's stay on the boat. It feels reassuring to be inside of the boat.
I can understand that. But, regardless, Euronymous and his fellow idiots stayed on the Batavia for over a week after the crash.
Because at least, if it is, I know it's comforting, but it's still fucking stupid. Oh yeah, it's stupid.
Because the boat's gonna, the boat is gonna fucking deteriorate. You are, there's something that is deeply delusional.
Delusional. That's a good word for it.
Versus that you are just kind of, maybe it'll all work out. Whatever happened to the captain has to be the last one off.

And is that like a newer thing than this?

Because he's already halfway to Java.

Well, I think if the ship is like just sort of stuck, then there's no, like it would be

ridiculous to just say like, all right, you're going to have to stay here maybe another week

or two before this thing goes down. I wish I could get off this boat.
Listen, all right? The last person's on it. I wish I could come over there and help you.
I see that you're all being systematically tortured, raped, and murdered on that island over there, but my hands are tied. It's this railing.
I can't pass the railing or I get fired. Live from your grave.
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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash LastPod. Well, on June 12th, the Batavia finally broke apart under the pressure of the waves and its near constant contact with the reef that had sunk it.
Out of the 70 men who stayed on the ship, 42 drowned when it sank. Remember, only one guy in seven on this ship can swim.
And Euronymous Cornelius was one of those guys who couldn't swim. When the Batavia collapsed, he grabbed a piece of wood and drifted in the ocean for two days before washing up on an island.
We were this close.

Yeah, almost.

And you also got to ask what that did to his mental state as well.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, he probably got brain damage a little bit.

Well, I just think it's just once he survived, what does it fucking matter now?

You know what I mean?

God must have chosen him to survive. And also, I will now do anything to not be caught in that situation again.

Oh, yeah.

But what keeps fucking me up about this whole thing is how do only one in seven people know how to swim? It's not like swimming is a privilege. If I remember correctly, I think it has something to do with swimming being associated with disease during this time period.
Oh, okay. You get sick.
Yeah, getting sick. Well, because, you know, if you lived in a city,

you know,

every body of water around you

was filled with human feces and urine.

Yeah, the Amsterdam Canal

is probably not the best to be swimming in.

I wouldn't.

No.

No, I wouldn't.

But I tell you what, though,

I took a couple of sips

and I tripped harder

than any fucking mushroom

I had in that entire fucking city, man.

You want to get,

that's where the high is and that fucking town is. Well, the disintegration of the Batavia ended up being a blessing.
Along with the 28 nitwits, barrels containing 500 gallons of fresh water and 500 gallons of wine washed up on the island shores. Once recovered, the men put the supplies in a central storage area, and by upper merchant Pelsart's orders, Euronymous Cornelis was finally put in charge of everything that kept the survivors alive.
The recovered supplies, however, weren't anywhere near plentiful enough to sustain everyone. There were now 208 people left alive.
Think about it. So now we're at 208.
Yeah, we started at 270. Now we're at 200.
It's a week later and we're at 208.

62 in a week.

Yeah.

And even if they all lived on half rations, they still needed to consume three tons of

meat and well over a thousand gallons of water every month.

The seabirds and sea lions were also, as I said, all gone, meaning that what they'd

recovered would last the survivors no more than a week

before they would have to begin the discussion about the C word.

Come.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just sitting there, guys.

People ask, Henry, do you write the material?

How hard do you work on this?

And it's so, it's just right there.

Well, I mean, really, when I wrote that, there were two options for which C word you were

going to choose.

And you went with the least likely one, and I commend you for that. That's the least likely one? Yeah.
C'm is like, there's like a whole, when you watch the stream, it's like a catchphrase. Yeah, but the most famous C word.
What? Cunt. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Is Cunt.
Oh, yeah. It's famously called the C word.
That's right, buddy. Yeah olde cunt.
Now, see you next Tuesday. Come on, on the stream.
It's live on Tuesday. Is cunt more popular than cum? No.
No, popular. When you refer to the C word, most people don't think cum.
Oh, no. No, you know what I actually mostly refer to? You know that first thing I think of? Congress.
Whoa! Take a lap! He's dabbing! He's dabbing! For those of you, he's taking off his headphones and he's dabbing! No, the C word is cannibalism. Oh! Yeah, yeah.
Well, more despair was introduced... Well, more despair was introduced when it became clear that the rescue expedition was not going to return with more fresh water and that's if Pelsart and his men weren't already dead themselves these mounting issues soon became too overwhelming for the ship surgeon to handle as leader of the island council I can't fucking handle this shit, man.
I can flop a couple of lungs around.

You know?

I can fucking play with your liver a bunch

and play with your dead lips. But that's it for me, man.
That's as much as I can handle. So to share the load, he turned to the man in charge of the supplies, Euronymous Cornelis.
And with dizzying speed, Euronymous took complete control by turning Batavia's graveyard into his own private dictatorship. You seem like a trustworthy guy.
Some guy who's not going to get drunk with power. You're all right.
Absolutely correct. I would never, ever disabuse my power, you worm.
I appreciate it, you know, because I'm busy here sewing the bodies back together And it's hard to leave them when you're sewing them. And it's most delectable.
Don't worry, I'll share the loads. You know, you seem untrustworthy, but I'm going to say I'm going to go against my brother judgment and say you're in charge.
I can't wait to see your funeral. Me neither.
I wonder who's going to come. Oh, I'm sorry.
I wonder who's going to come. Thank you.
The C word. Now, during the sea voyage, Euronymous had little to no power.
But once he was handed the leadership position, the survivors were listening to his every word and carrying out every order he gave, which, of course, led to immediate abuses of power. One of Euronymous' first orders was to give himself a large private tent,

which was a dick move on an island with zero shelter.

Then, as befitting his rise in stature,

he raided upper merchant Pelsart's closet and began wearing Pelsart's clothes,

complete with Pelsart's commanding rank epaulets.

Ah, yes. What I love.
Perfect.

Leathers. Jewels.
Hats. Gloves.
Perfect. I will be completely dressed in this 80 degree...
I'm actually going to take some of this off. It is interesting, because would you respect a man that just floated in on a board? I would not respect a man who just floated in on a board, and I would respect a man less who put on another man's clothing in an attempt to look more official.
Yeah, the concept of the man floating in on the board and just going like, ah! But the next being Hitler is like the weirdest jump in status. Yeah.
But on the other hand, I mean, as we've, you know, as the world has proved again and again, you know, humiliating yourself does not preclude people from treating you as a godlike being. No, it's almost like they kind of like that within you because they themselves are a big old fucking loser.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, once properly adorned, Euronymous gave orders to build rafts out of the empty supply barrels. He told people to explore the other islands.
He told them to erect more tents. This is all perfectly reasonable things to do.
Yes, it is, isn't it? But by the end of June, after about four weeks on Batavia's graveyard, the sailors, I suppose, ran out of things to talk about. And one of them...
I'm bored. I'm sick of your story.
I've heard

every one of your jokes, and

each one ends with the black guy

fucking the white woman.

Have you ever been to

the Netherlands?

I can't hear it

again. Yes, and they're

horrible.

Well, one of them

began gossiping about the mutiny

plot that had been afoot just before

the ship wrecked on the reef. You wouldn't even Thank you.
horrible. Well, one of them began gossiping about the mutiny

plot that had been afoot just before

the ship wrecked on the reef. You wouldn't even

fucking believe this, man.

We were planning a mutiny. We fucking were gonna

kill all of you pieces of shit.

Crazy, right? No, it was one of the mutineers.

It wasn't just like, I heard about

this. It was just like, man,

we're definitely gonna kill everyone and become

pirates, but that's not gonna happen now i guess sorry best laid plans now uronimus's name wasn't being mentioned yet but he knew that it was likely that upper merchant pelsart was now headed straight to java after failing to find more fresh water and pelsart would soon return with a ship and a crew of at least 20 men. But since the mutiny plot was becoming common knowledge on the island, the survivors, when they were rescued, they would no doubt spill the details once Pelsart returned, and Euronymous' part would eventually be revealed, resulting in a trip to the VOC gallows.
So, after the word got out about the mutiny, Euronymous decided that his only hope of survival was to overtake the rescue ship and return to his original plan of becoming a dread pirate. But to do that, Euronymous needed sailors and soldiers, lots of them.
So his mutiny recruitment resumed. You know, he, this shows the, God, the worst part about evil nerds is their work ethic and their ability to sort of put in the work in a moment that they, that needs to be done.
Cause this is him. All of a sudden it's like you talk about this.
It's an instant switch. Yeah.
Well, over the course of just a week, Euronymous was able to recruit even more men for his plot than what he'd managed to persuade when the Batavia was still at sea. When he added his original gang to the new recruits, he found himself in the company of two dozen cutthroats and dastards anxious to join his pirate fantasy.
What's interesting, though, is that no concrete details exist as to exactly how Euronymous was able to pull this off. But considering how charismatic and grossly unethical he was, it probably wasn't all that difficult.
See, Euronymous was particularly good at making a case for common cause. He told his men, he and them, they're the same, despite the fact that they were hardened men of action, and he was basically a pharmacist dandy turned sales rep.
Now, what is a dastard? A dastard's like a bastard, but worse. Yeah, it's a bastard who's your father.
It's a dad bastard. One that's stuck around, but he's just, you wish he left.
I usually put dastard with highwaymen and pirates. Those are men outside of the law.
Ronins. Dastardly.
That's where that comes from. Exactly.
There we go. Look at this.
A dastard knows who his father is. And he hates his fucking ass.
I got a dastard. Yeah.
See, I feel like Euronymous also is putting them in the same level because in society they would never be. No.
Right? Of course not. So now it's...
No, that's my whole point. Yeah.
Yeah, they're men of action and he's, you know, fiddling with his apothecary kit. Yes.
Back in Amsterdam. But now they're on the sea and it's a whole different game.
Well, so you're already fucked. I feel like there's also the thing, too, of we might all just be dead here anyway.
Yeah. And that's, and that also like brings up the question is like, you know, some people, when you are get faced with, you know, almost certain death, like some people accept it and just sort of ride out the time, you know, some people try to do as much good as they can before they die.
And some people turn into absolute fucking monsters because they've wanted to be monsters their entire lives, and now they can be without consequence. Now, from what it seems, the logical fallacy that held the mutiny together was thus.
Since the VOC didn't care about what happened to its employees, Euronymous and his men didn't need to give a fuck about anyone but themselves. See, when Euronymous stepped into the power vacuum, you had a person in a position of authority telling these downtrodden soldiers and sailors that it was okay to act on their worst impulses at all times.
And if they acted on those impulses, it would somehow translate to them living the life they'd always deserved. And yada, yada, yada, super important.
Yeah. In other words, dandies from rich families who have never done a hard day's work in their lives have been taking advantage of the worst impulses of the working class for centuries.
And the worse the working class has treated, the easier it is for the dandies to turn them into monsters. See America from 2016 to present day for more details on that.
What's going on? I don't understand, Marcus.

What does that refer to?

Yeah, a bunch of rich boys stirring up people who don't have any money

and telling them...

You mean the manliest men on record that know exactly

how we should push this country forward into a full hemispheric power?

Men with the best potato bodies humanity has to offer.

Nothing I love better than a president I can motorboat. Now the men who would do the majority of the dirty work in Uranus' name over the coming months were the army cadets.
Young men between 21 and 25 years old. Otherwise known as the most dangerous demographic of humans on the planet.
Congrats boys.. Amen.
They really are. Although, nowadays, I'd say it's 16-year-olds are the most dangerous.
Oh, they're all bad, yeah. I get really scared.
When I see a pack of 16-year-olds, I get terrified. Yeah, you can't kill them, you can't punch them, you can't do anything.
Yeah, you can't do nothing. Yeah.
Because if you fight back, you're in trouble. Yeah.
Now, 16-year-olds have always, they've been dangerous for a long while now. But 21 to 25, they've got a little bit of intelligence to them, and that makes them particularly dangerous.
There were, however, men in Euronymous' crew, outside of the soldier and sailor set, who may have just been drawn to the allure of the pirate's life. Like the 23-year-old Dutch locksmith.
He joined with little hesitation. Didn't really have any reason to join, just did it because he wanted to.
He's like, all right, sounds fun. All right, let's go.
Likewise, the man who became Euronymous's principal lieutenant, the man who would organize the gang and ensure the orders were carried out, he wasn't a soldier or a sailor either. Rather, Euronymous's right hand was another VOC officer, an assistant from Amsterdam named David Zavank, who would prove to be one of the most violent psychopaths in this story.
Never trust an assistant. Yeah, or a Zavank.
Yeah, this is the thing. You never know what happens in there.
It is, however, important to note that like many demagogues who get off on hurting people en masse, Euronymous Cornelius, with one pathetic exception, never got his hands dirty himself. Yeah, because if he was in even a one-on-one combat with any single person, they could overpower him.
Yeah, he was a bitch. Yeah.
And so, once his crew was established, Euronymous slowly began to detach himself and his gang from the other survivors, starting with the confiscation of anything that could be used as a weapon, but specifically the swords and the muskets. Once he removed the survivors' means of defending themselves, Euronymous and his right-hand man David Zavak came up with a plan to take control of the islands using cold calculation and subtle manipulation.
Their first priority was reducing how many mouths they had to feed, both to conserve supplies and to limit the risk that their conspiracy to steal the rescue ship and strand everyone else might be discovered. After conferring with Zavak, Euronymous decided that cutting the number of survivors by half and condemning over a hundred people to death would be a good start, although violent murder was not their first method.
Yes, great start. So much fun.
Can't wait. Rather, Euronymous had his followers explore the nearby islands on rafts with the goal of finding an island without any resources where they could send a large group to die of dehydration or hunger.
Yar, Euronymous, I found this place over here. It sucks.
It's going to kill them like a 10-year-old kills a hamster that he doesn't pay attention to. Oh, yeah.
To be honest, he kind of thinks that, that they can kind of separate them all piece by piece, and then everyone will just leave him alone. Now, to get the geography straight in our heads here, the survivors would ultimately be spread across four islands in the Hauptmann-Abrolos chain.
But the three islands that became the site of Euronymous's atrocities were grouped together in a close triangle formation. The topmost island in the triangle was Batavia's graveyard, the so-called womb-shaped island.
Yes, womb-shaped. Yes.
Absolutely a veritable shape that everyone knows. Very close to many other things.
You could have said pear-shaped. No.
Actually, it's not even pear-shaped either. No.
No, I actually looked at it. You know what shape it is, Marcus? Fig-shaped.
Fig? Huh. Ish.
Fuck you. First of all, go absolutely and fuck yourself.

Because I know figs. And I looked at that, and that is a halved fig.

Is that a fig, like, not like one you'd eat, but one that's like still attached to a tree?

Yes.

That's stupid.

None of you tried.

None of you tried like I tried.

It looks like a J.

Yeah, actually. Fig.
Boom? Well, half a mile to the south was a supposedly mushroom-shaped island. Oh, fuck.
Although after looking at it on a map, I'd say it's more like a liver. I'm going to flip out.
Well, the liver-shaped island was where Pelsard had consolidated supplies before exiling most of the survivors to Batavia's graveyard. So the mutineers rechristened Pelsart's former base as Traitor's Island, as a slight to those who had abandoned them.
And in the middle of it, we'll change it to the Gulf of Asshole. Yeah, yeah, he's a real asshole, right? Yeah, he's a piece of shit.
Yeah, and I'm over here. This is Nerd Mountain.
Yeah, yeah, that's where I go. That's where I go to look at all the nerds.
And that there is Rapist Cove. Hey, now, hey.
Hey, buddy, with the R word. It's just the name.
It's just the name. This was brilliant branding on Euronymous' part, calling it Trader's Island.
Because if a demagogue wants to maintain the anger of his followers, it's essential to create labels and catchphrases that constantly remind them of their grievances. Modern day example being like DEI.
You know, you say that word and immediately people become dissatisfied with their lot in life. It makes them blame their misfortunes on others.

You know, blame their failures on others.

Yes.

It just keeps it,

it just always fucking pressing that fucking anger button.

Yeah.

Like mine's Eddie Redmayne.

It really is.

I can't stand him.

Yeah.

Yeah, we showed him on the stream a couple of,

like last night or two nights ago,

and you just fucking lost your mind.

He apologized for the movie he played the lady in or whatever, and it made me hate him more. The Danish Girl? Yeah.
She didn't eat at all in that movie. Absolutely, and she would have been horrible on the Batavia.
And if you want to hear that conversation, including the larger conversation about the testicle sizes of various male celebrities go to our YouTube channel

and watch the last stream on the left or watch it live

on our Patreon. Cunt! We'll see you next

Tuesday.

On the screen.

Now, about a mile

We really need to incorporate that into our promo

world. I'm trying to.
Yeah, we will.

Now, about a mile east of Trader's

Island was Seals Island

so named for the hundreds of seals that had made their home there prior to the arrival of the Batavia. By the end of June, all the seals had been eaten and the only water sources were brackish pools.
But the only people who knew that for sure were Euronymous and his crew. With this in mind, Euronymous told a group of men, women, and children that Seals Island had plenty of resources.

And since these people still trusted their leader at this point,

40 survivors readily agreed to be ferried a mile southeast,

where they were left with a few barrels of water

and an empty promise of more supplies to come.

Listen, you're all going to love Seals Island,

incredible island, absolutely amazing. Enjoy yourselves right here.
We'll be back. Pinball machine.
Barbecue grill. We're going to have I'm going to get a projector.
We're going to show Weekend at Bernie's. That's right.
Water. Water.
Murder. I mean.
Not Meg. Not Meg.
And after I turn in all of my Marlboro Miles, I'm bringing back a windbreaker. There are so many seals there, all filled with blood to drink.
Yummy, yummy, yum. Actually, do you have...
The seal blood's fine, but do you have 2%? Well, after sending 40 people off to Seals Island, a further 15 men, led by the ship's provost, were sent to Trader's Island with tools to build rafts. Rafts that would ostensibly be used to travel to the other islands northwest of Batavia's graveyard.
These islands, located a little over three miles away, the largest islands by far were dubbed the Highlands because it was the only place on any of these islands that had an elevation above six feet. Fuck yeah, man.
Yeah, they're on highlands, bro. I'll tell you what, though.
Do it up, man. The Allman Brothers are on the Highlands.
I hate to say it, but I think that weed is like the last thing I'd want on a deserted island. Really? I think that booze would be better.
Booze? Nah. Well, I guess you get calories.
Well, booze would be better only because booze does a thing. Booze makes me really not give a shit.
Oh, really? I love weed. But then you get dehydrated and you die.
Well, again, great. Same with weed.
Well, it was on the highlands that Euronymous would enact his most insidious masterstroke in taking total control. He gathered together the soldiers most loyal to the VOC, 20 men in all, and sent them to the highland to find water sources.
Leading this group was a soldier named Viva Hyas, who was said to be a man of considerable ability whose character and sense of purpose were unusual for a private soldier of this time. Now, Euronymous told the loyal VOC men led by Viva Hyas that they would be dropped off at the highlands, where they would search for water and light signal fires if and when they found it.
Once the fires were lit, Batavia's graveyard would come to their aid and bring them back to home base with all that water in tow. But, Euronymous knew that Captain Yakups and upper merchant Pelsart had already searched the highlands for water and found nothing.
So, it was Euronymous's hope that he could dump them in, most likely to challenge his mutiny, on a barren dirt ball where they'd die of thirst. You know, I just feel like it's not a good thing to count against the trained soldiers.
Yeah, exactly. And so, once Viva Hyas and his men were stranded on the highlands with no way of returning on their own, Euronymous had condemned 75 survivors to near certain death, and in the process had removed most of the men and boys who might have fought back when the time came for Euronymous to take full control.
Now, do you think he was planning on that then? Yes. Yeah.
Absolutely. Now, when he was sending everyone off to the different islands, oh yeah, they had already had the conversation of like, how are we going to do this? How are we going to take the number down to enough people where when the rescue boats come, we can easily take them over and get the fuck out of here? And this is like a month after being on Batavia's graveyard, right? Yes.
It's about a month. It is wild how fast all of this falls together.
You know, honestly, a month seems like a long time when you're doing nothing and starving and you're fucking eating your own tongue. Sounds like a month of Sundays.

I'm bored.

There's nothing to do on this stupid old island. This guy's kicking shells like, I guess we just have to create a system of devastation.
You're right. But even with the removal of 75 people, There were still 133 survivors On Batavia's graveyard Including Euronymous and his two dozen compatriots Far more than what the supplies could support So Finally Euronymous came to the conclusion That their only remaining option Was murder Murder We have to murder them, my ghost It's the only way.
I would say more of a I suppose murder will be in order. Maybe I should change.
I want to try out a new outfit. It's just so amazing to have so many looks.
I never had this before. Here we go.
This is my I'm gonna touch your boobies. This is your I'm going to kill your father look.
Now, Euronymous was far too smart to just start killing people willy-nilly. Instead, he began by disguising the thinning of the herd as law and order, which is usually how things like this get going.
The first victim was a soldier who'd been caught tapping a wine barrel outside of his normal rations. Under interrogation, i.e.
torture, he admitted that he'd been doing this for quite some time and even ratted out his friend who'd been sharing the spoils. It's an addiction.
It's a disease, this alcoholism. I'm addicted to Merlot.
I can't stop. I was drinking with Jerry.
That's ridiculous. That is crazy.
It's like full purple lips. I don't know.
I don't either know. She's talking about wine.
I didn't complain at all. Now, this offense was brought before the island's council, the one that was originally led by the surgeon and was still made up of mostly higher class passengers and crew from the Batavia.
But as we mentioned, Euronymous had taken control of the council at the surgeon's insistence, and Euronymous surprised everyone by insisting that both wine thieves be executed to send a strong message against stealing. Now, the council refused to agree to a death sentence for something so minor.
So, as is common when dictators are seizing control, Euronymous threw a tantrum, like literally, dissolved the original council, and formed a new one with his fellow mutineers. Pretty, fairly similar, not one-to-one, but fairly similar to how the Nazis did it.
Lacking weapons or the will to resist, the original council members had no recourse but to let it happen. In short order, the new council executed the soldier who tapped the wine by drowning him, loudly and publicly, then quickly sentenced two more men to death on bogus charges to fully establish the new order of things.
We kill people now. The second execution orders were directed at two carpenters accused of secretly building small sailboats so they could selfishly escape.
They weren't. And for that, they were stabbed to death by swords by Euronymous's gang.
You know, the best way to kill a carpenter, though, is just leave out meth. All the time.
Carpenters, guys who put up drywall. Yeah, guys who steal drywall.
Guys who put up bronze piping. Guys who take out bronze piping.
Also, you're accusing the carpenters of building rafts so you kill them, when you could have just been like, hey, guys, why don't you build some rafts? Yeah, keep keep building racks for us. Yeah, build the boat.
Well, I mean, it was so they were trying to build sailboats. Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I really the the logic here is so twisted so much of the time, like a lot of the shit that they do just doesn't really make sense. And they just kind of have to wave it away.
And they eventually do it almost for the pain and the cruelty. The pain and the cruelty of it.
Oh, absolutely. The cruelty is very much the point most of the time.
But eventually, I think the cruelty also starts to happen with more regularity so they don't have to answer the types of questions that Ed just asked. Yeah, which is going to start happening to Eddie when he keeps asking these fucking cockamamie questions to our leader.
How dare you? I say he gets 10 ball spanks. Oh, yeah.
You keep that up, I'm going to hide your clove oil. No! No! What about my weekend? Live from your grave.
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Rules and restrictions may apply. Now, the thinning of the ranks to save supplies was not Euronymous's only motivation for executing survivors.
If Euronymous's pirate plan was to succeed, the two dozen mutineers would need to survive on the island until the VOC's return without any interference from VOC loyalists. So any possible descent had to be stopped before it even began.
Euronymous, however, couldn't yet murder people out in the open,

and he could only fabricate so many charges worthy of execution.

So his mutineer council came up with the plan to disappear the remaining VOC loyalists

by taking them out on so-called search missions and drowning them on the open sea.

So what you're telling me is that you would go out to search, and you'd murder them. Wow.
But the searching's not real. No.
Wow. Not at all.
That's lying. So you mean to tell me we'll be lying? Yeah, we'll be lying.
But then we get to murder. Yeah.
And which is worse? Hypocrisy. Honestly, it's hypocrisy.
Who's going to do my laundry? Well, the first group, two soldiers and two seamen, were taken out by a gang of six who rode until Batavia's graveyard was no longer in view. Once out of sight, the mutineers grabbed the loyalists, tied their hands and feet, and threw them overboard to drown.
I knew, should have known this was happening! I should have known this was happening! Hey, you want to see a rub trick? What the fuck? That's the problem, man. That's why it's always super important.
Watch Godfather 2. And know that any time anybody's taking you on a boat and you hadn't planned for at least a couple of weeks, you're getting whacked.
Yeah. But out of the four men set to be executed, a VOC cadet begged for his life and succeeded.
He pledged total loyalty to the mutineers, meaning he was now required to do anything Euronymous or his men asked of him under pain of death. This cadet was the first of many survivors to join the mayhem in order to save their own skin.
And in the weeks to come, these cowards would do terrible things over and over again just to prove their allegiance. Now, since the first group execution had gone well, Euronymous ordered another two days later, but this time it was more about settling a personal beef.

One mutineer, an absolutely psychopathic German named Matty's Beer, who would eventually kill dozens, he had pegged two VOC men as cacklers, meaning they talk too loudly. Why are you fucking pointing at me? I also talk too loud while I'm getting pegged.
Yeah, yeah, seriously, and a lot and it's like, oh, hey, who are you?

Oh, my God, the captain of police.

Grab the clove oil. Hey, where's the clove oil, buddy? You're jerking me around like I'm some kind of ripped open Christmas stocking.
I really want to thank the person who wrote in about the clove oil. Yeah, really.
We were not in a wedding joke today. Well, amongst the cacklers drowned at sea was the ship's upper trumpeter.
And I just wanted to talk about this guy because I find this job fascinating. This is like more or less the ship's house band.
He'd use a trumpet or a drum and he'd set the work pace, he'd signal workers when it was time to eat meals and communicate between ships in the flotilla. Ah, regular miles from land Davis.

Whoa!

Very funny.

It's great.

It's really good.

The idea of just like literally, that's all he does.

He just goes and goes.

And then they're like, oh, you're killing me here,

you know, upper trumpeter.

And he's just like, blame the music. You know what I mean? Like blame the cheat.
You know, I'm not just playing. Go invent the guitar.
I don't know what's happening. But the second set of executions marked a turning point in the island mutiny.
Instead of killing someone solely because they were loyal to the VOC, Euronymous was now giving permission to kill simply because a mutineer didn't like someone, which, of course, edged them closer and closer to murder most willy-nilly. Willy-nilly murder is some of the most devastating actions that can happen to society.
God, yes! Willy-nilly is, like, a lot is hidden within the term willy-nilly. It sounds cute.
It does. It does.
But, I mean, technically, genocide is, by definition, willy-nilly. It sounds cute.
It does. But, I mean, technically,

genocide is by definition

willy-nilly. It literally is.

It is almost the pure

definition of willy-nilly.

Like, the Holocaust

got so willy-nilly

towards the end of this.

I would actually

argue that the Holocaust is the opposite

of willy-nilly. The Holocaust was highly organized.
What's the opposite of willy-nilly? What's Stalin? Organized. I would say Stalin.
Now that's willy-nilly. He was very willy-nilly.
He was very willy-nilly. Okay.
Yeah, the famines in Ukraine. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, that's willy-nilly.
But what about, what's the words opposite? Is it like nolly-wally? Organized. No, but like a silly word.
Oh, a silly word. Bing-y-bong-y? Cocky-bong-y? This thing organized and silly don't really go hand in hand.
Got your bullshit all lined up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the Holocaust had its bullshit all lined up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Real well. Thank you.
Real well. I had whole teams of people on it.
Wow. I just got four family members that aren't going to talk to me anymore.
I tried to say they were willy-nilly. Now, by this point, Euronymous had ordered the deaths of eight men, five secretly and three publicly.
That's not bad. I order the deaths of millions each day, and no one listens.
Euronymous had also consolidated control by dissolving the original council and forming a new one made up of his most trusted lieutenants. He'd also successfully eased the pressure on supplies by sending large groups of survivors to die on other islands.
This also divided his potential enemies into four separate camps, two of which had no way of returning to Batavia's graveyard. But the problem with sending away men like Viva Hyas is that the most loyal soldiers on the Batavia were also the most capable, because as it turns out, men who are willing to murder dozens of people to fulfill a pirate fantasy are probably not going to be the ship's best and brightest.
It's called fascist brain drain. Yeah.
Yeah, That's exactly what it is. Well, as it turned out, the men Euronymous had stranded on the highlands survived for three weeks before finding several water sources on July 9th.
Yeah, they were good at this shit. They literally went and did their job hardcore.
Yeah, he sent the best guys out. Of course they're going to find it.
They're the best guys. Per his orders, Viva Highest lit signal fires so Euronymous could send men to bring them back.
The fires, of course, were a most unwelcome sight to Euronymous and his men. Oh, yeah, because over those three weeks, he had really put this whole fucking thing into permanent order.
And it's like July 4th, so if you're going to have fires, you've got fireworks. Do you think they celebrated? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if they celebrated July 4th. Dutch men in 1628? Yeah, you know, I could have an insight to something we don't know.
Listen, tell me, have you ever shot Gordon to a beer? No, no, I mostly drink it with my mouth. Well, the panic truly began to set in for Euronymous when he saw that the group over on Trader's Island were not waiting for him to give the go-ahead to meet Viva on the highlands, because Euronymous had apparently forgotten that he'd given them orders to build boats.
Within minutes of seeing the signal fires, the Trader's Island group launched two small craft towards the Highland Islands, loaded with a group of Dutch soldiers, the Batavious Provost, his wife and child, a German soldier and his wife, and another woman traveling with her child. Now, since the visibility on the open ocean is surprisingly good, you can actually see like three miles at the outset with the naked eye, Euronymous was easily able to see the rafts leaving Trader's Island from his vantage point on Batavia's graveyard, which was just half a mile away.
This was worrisome because he knew that if the rafts reached the highlands and returned with Viva's group, his short reign as leader would likely end with a VOC-sanctioned execution. So he made the immediate decision to send out his own men to intercept the Traders Island group with orders to kill everyone, with no exceptions.
A group of seven, led by David Zavank, caught up to the Traders Island boats and boarded them, where they immediately forced four soldiers overboard to their deaths. They can't swim.

It's like in BG3 when you just kick them into the fucking caverns.

You know what I mean?

It is, yeah.

You just kick them down a well.

You lose the loot, but you get the kill.

Yep.

These soldiers, though, I hate to say it, they don't seem like great soldiers.

Well, they're getting bum-rushed.

And they're dehydrated and weak and all that shit, too.

Yeah.

Well, after taking control of the boats,

Euronymous's men then returned to Batavia's graveyard with most of the passengers. See, now that a rival group was in play, Euronymous decided to make a bloody and brutal example of what would happen if anyone else decided to join Viva Hias on the Highland Islands.
Once the first boat landed, Euronymous's men began by pulling the provost and his child onto the shore where they hacked them to pieces with their swords. Two more men were pulled out along with another child who were also hacked to death.
After seeing this, four men on the second boat jumped up and waded to shore where they ran to Euronymous and begged him to call off his men,

not knowing that it was Euronymous

who'd personally given

the kill-em-all order.

So, after giving his prisoners a glare,

Euronymous told his men

to give them no quarter,

and all four were pinned to the ground

with pikes before being chopped to death

with swords and axes.

It's fucking kind of cool in a way. I know it's bad, but it's also fun in a way.
It's a long time ago. He said no quarter, but he did quarter them.
Yes. Or maybe he ate them.
Yes. I like to cut them into 12-ounce pieces.
So at this point, Vina, that's his name? Viva. Viva doesn't know that he's Euronymous' enemy, right?

No idea.

No clue, yeah.

Well, the remaining prisoners were three women, but they weren't spared either.

After watching their husbands and children die on the orders of the man who'd sworn to protect them,

the women were shoved into the water and drowned.

And all, 15 people have been gruesomely murdered in full view of the remaining survivors

on both Batavia's Graveyard and Trader's Island.

I don't know. And all 15 people have been gruesomely murdered in full view of the remaining survivors on both Batavia's Graveyard and Trader's Island.
After the first of many massacres to come, the number still alive ticked down to 133. We're getting closer.
Yes, my voice is chest. Because I'm getting used to the island now.
And it's just so good to finally have all the support I've ever wanted. Out here in the ocean water, like a crab living his dreams.
Somebody bring me some ice cream. I saw a seal crawling across his straight razor.
You know, your Marlon Brando sounds like Dom DeLuise doing Marlon Brando. Yeah, yeah.
The infidels of the lions. Now, after seeing what happened if you made Euronymous angry, about a dozen men pledged their undying loyalty directly to Euronymous some to try and protect their families and some just to get bigger rations of food, water, and wine But Euronymous didn't really trust the men who joined only after they witnessed the massacre So any new recruit that wasn't a part of the original gang of 24 had to regularly demonstrate their loyalty in increasingly cruel ways.
One of the first ordeals was endured by a German soldier named Hans, who'd boarded the Batavia with his wife and child. He joined the mutiny after the shipwreck in hopes of protecting his family, but he had no way of knowing that his loyalty test would render his plan moot.
I don't know how to trust you. I just should call you.
There's something about you I don't get. Something I don't understand.
I wish there was something you could do to make me feel bad because I'm just getting so worried. Well, Euronymous invited Hans and his family into his tent for dinner, but in the middle of the meal...
I hope you like calamari. It's made out of bird.
I hope you enjoy this turkey. It's made out of seal.
But while they were eating their meal, one of Euronymous's men went over to Hans' tent and strangled Hans' daughter to death. You enjoying yourself? You liking the appetizers? You want a little sorbet? Just try to clean the palate.
I made it on my piss. You want some? You want some seal blood? You enjoying that? Someone get the trumpeter to play some music.
Oh, we can't? We can't? Oh, no. You don't know what you got till it's gone.
Learn the trumpet. Of course, when Hans and his wife got back to the tent, they discovered their daughter had been murdered, and they had a pretty damn good idea of who had murdered her.
Nevertheless, a couple days later, Hans signed a written, unbreakable oath of loyalty to Euronymous and his men, probably to try to save the life of his wife.

Oh my god, Hans, can't believe you're here.

What chance did you mind? So good to see you,

buddy. Welcome to the mutiny.

I, Hans,

love the man who mergers me daughter.

Yes, I'll say it again.

Stay for the guys in the box.

I pledge to him my undying loyalty

for all the courage to kill her myself. Thank you.
Somebody sign up. I'm brave.
Euronymous is sexy. Euronymous is tall.
He's strong. Someone give me my clove oil.
You guys sound like a couple of drag queens. Yes.
That's what it says. For the next loyalty test, Euronymous ordered the VOC assistant who turned coat during the first set of boat executions to slit the throats of every man, woman, and child in the sick tent.
Eleven people in all, too sick to move from scurvy or fever. With four of Euronymous' men supervising, the assistant did as he was told.
And when five more men were put in the sick tent a few days later, the assistant cut their throats too. From that moment on, the assistant had a new job because sickness on Batavia's graveyard was a death sentence for all except those who were friends with the gang.
Think about that. Within a few days, like they have two mass murders, two massacres.
Like one day, like 15 people are killed. A few days later, 11 people are murdered.
A few days after that, five more are killed. And this is going at like such a quick fucking pace.
It's like 15% of the people in like three days. Yeah.
It kind of feels like one of those, the stories you hear about like what happened in the Congo or what happened in these places where the devastation is so intense and so public that they can't do it. They're like paralyzed by how public it is.
And you do have like, yes, now you have the mutineers to kind of even set that up. Is that on Batavia's graveyard? Yes, you have the bad group of mutineers, but you also have like the people that are really trying not get involved.
Yeah. And they are, they have moved to the other side of the island and they're trying to just be like very similar to something that sounds very familiar now to say like, well, it's not hurting us right now.
So we're just going to kind of just live over here and try to pretend like everything's fine over here. We're just going to over here and I'm going to stay by these shells.
Like I was saying to Marcus, that'd be me. I'd be on the other side of the island going like, I'm totally cool with these shells.
I don't need your wine. I don't need the ladies.
I just want these shells. I promise I will do nothing.
He's got shells. Get them.
Take your shells. I try not to get too involved in politics.
Now, after the massacre, staying over on the other side of the island,

that didn't fucking work anymore.

There really wasn't a need to keep up any pretense of a just society.

And since the mutineers still needed to thin the ranks,

Euronymous gave them permission to kill whoever they wanted,

whenever they wanted, however they wanted,

just so long as the person didn't have an important job. Like, you couldn't surgeon but the guy who like was kind of good at catching fish yeah you could kill him if you wanted you need the fish guy but if he's only kind of good at it yeah certainly don't need the trumpeter that's why he was the first to go hey you don't know what you need until you fucking need it that trumpeter could have been lock i mean you never know're going to use that to scare away birds.
That's right. Bad birds.
And by the way, all this occurred a little over a month after the Batavia was shipwrecked. And by my reckoning, all of this took place in the first week that Euronymous took control.
All of it. So far.
We're not even... This is what I'm saying, guys.
We're not even in the end of this Let's just keep getting bigger Now the one thing I keep thinking about Did they save the gold? The jewels and stuff? I'll get to what they did with the gold In a second It's fucking so stupid But with so many murders Some were bound to go awry And few went as badly as the execution of two men Neuronymous condemned to death after they were falsely accused of stealing food. The first victim here was easy.
He had his throat slit as he begged to say his prayers before death, a request that was denied. No, God, here! The second victim, however, was far more resilient.
Or, at the very least, I think the guys kind of got a little cute with it and decided to make this murder far more brutal. Problem was, they didn't have the tools to do it right.
The second guy was stabbed in the chest repeatedly. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! But the knife snapped.
A second knife was used. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! But that one broke too.
Why are you doing this? Stop it. One of the mutineers then grabbed a pair of daggers and drove them into the victim's neck.
Okay, I like that one. There's something kind of funny about someone getting stabbed in the neck.
I don't know what it is. But the mutineer managed to miss the veins, the arteries, and the windpipe.
You fucking piece of shit. Fucking suck it.
You bitch, you can't fucking kill anybody. Those daggers also broke, and the victim was still alive.
You fucking can't kill me. I'm a living room.
You fucking piece of fucking shit. Finally, the executioner had to dig into the victim's wounds to find a sliver of a broken knife that was sharp enough.
And when he did, he ended the farce by slitting the victim's throat. It took so long.
And they broke like six knives. What the fuck? Drowning was working so well.
Just drown him well but it's not as fun honestly it's i mean that with with these guys they get such a taste for murder and they start to get inventive with it like they want to see all the different ways that a man can die and they like watching men die it's entertainment it's like why people go to executions like or why they went back in the day because they liked seeing people die. And these psychopaths, they get the opportunity.
It's like every serial killer's fucking wet dream. It's the opportunity to just go onto an island and be able to kill whoever you want, whenever you want, however you want, without consequence.
And not only that, you've got people backing you up. God, the dream.
Maritime law. Now, the timeline is a little hazy here.
But from what I can tell, after six weeks on the island and about a month after Euronymous took total control, his men had continuing murdering people at such a rate that they'd successfully killed no less than 50 men women and children where batavia's graveyard

had started with 140 survivors they were now down to 90 and uranimus wasn't even halfway done

but killing of course can only take up so much time in your day and with the three eastern islands

firmly under their control the mutineers chief enemy soon became boredom i'm bored

I don't know. your day and with the three eastern islands firmly under their control the mutineers chief enemy soon became boredom i'm bored you know i let you so long i spent a good amount of time fishing that piece of knife out of that guy you saw what we did yeah and it was funny how he held it was funny and i was just a memory of it and then we did that skit where we reenacted the murder.
That was fun. The writing was tense.
Because of the rewrites you insisted on. Well, I said when you called him an asshat, I didn't mean to make a hat out of his ass.
Yeah, but this is what the audience wants. They want more creativity.
They want us to dig deeper. But now, honestly, after the live show,

I'm bored again.

What do you guys think about going back to the mousetrap game and actually playing the game?

We don't just build up the trap and then set the trap.

We play the game this time.

But then I just get lost in all the possibilities

of all the traps.

I'm just going to make dominoes out of these rocks. Go get me my clove oil.
I need to teach dominoes something. While some men spent their time catching fish and birds, others devoted their day to more death.
They made homemade morning stars from clubs, strips of lead, and long iron nails affixed to short lengths of rope. These guaranteed painful, drawn-out deaths, which, as I just said, were themselves a form of entertainment.
You know, fishing's a fine hobby. It's a very popular hobby.
People do it. There's, like, television shows.
I'm bored. I don't like fishing.
It's just sitting and waiting. I hate fishing.

You know what I like?

Pushing a woman down in the sand.

You could kill the fish if you want.

Nah, it's not the same.

It doesn't make any noise.

Well, as far as what Euronymous did when he wasn't giving out orders,

this answers your question.

He invited his men into his tent to run their fingers through the treasures he'd managed to salvage from the Batavia's holds. I thought you were going to say through his hair.
I don't have any hair. I don't need it.
And this is all while he told them that these treasures were nothing compared to the riches they'd earned from their future careers in piracy. It's basically story time.
And he's further manipulating these men. He's driving the idea into their heads.
Like, if you keep acting like a monster and you keep doing what I say, this will be the rest of your life. These treasures.
Nothing but gold pieces. And gold and silver in our mouths and our hands.
Look and see all the treasures that lie in white. But the people who you could give the treasure to for things are the people who are going to kill you once they found out what you did.
No, I'm telling you, I think it's blocked. Get the pikes.
Get the axles. Get some small knives.
Well, there were actually plenty of ports back in these days that were pirate cities, basically, where these people could go and trade for goods with their ill-gotten gains. Very similar to back in the day when we covered Billy the Kid and those places that you went to.
Blackbeard, you mean? Yes. Not Billy the Kid.
No, but I mean in turn, actually like Billy the Kid. Oh, the fences.
Yeah, when you go hang out at like specifically criminal only places. Yeah, towns.
Yeah. But fantasies would only hold the attentions of Euronymous and his gang for so long.
So on July 15th, Euronymous ordered the execution of everyone remaining on Seals Island except for the women. In my view, this was either to give his men an activity or to fulfill his ever-growing lust for the feeling he got when he ordered others to commit murder.
I think it's that one. You think it's the second? I think it's both.
Oh, well, I think it's for... Porque no los dos.
Because I feel like if you wanted something to do, I think it'd be a lot of like, okay, everybody, today we're doing yoga. It's just like, today I actually think that we should all begin a story one something time at a time, and each one of us continues the story.
That's the thing, giving somebody just something to do. Yeah, but when the people that you're giving them, that you need to give something to do, when they're a bunch of murderous, rapacious sailors and soldiers,

this... Like, that's the thing, giving somebody just something to do.
Yeah, but when the people that you're giving them, that you need to give something to do, when they're a bunch of murderous, rapacious sailors and soldiers, they're not going to be really, like, down for, like, a fun wort, like charades. Hey, they've never tried.
You know, once you kill, like, 50 people, you pretty much have to kill everyone else, too. Basically, yeah.
Yeah, well, you just have to start going down the list, going down the line. But no matter the motivation, what followed on Seals Island is true savagery unleashed.
An indiscriminate slaughter of the innocents committed by men who were proving that at certain points in history, devils have walked this earth. I love this guy riding the sport.
I love this story. Thank you.
Now this butchery was committed by just seven men armed with swords, daggers, and of course their homemade morning stars. Leading them was former VOC assistant David Zavank, who never missed an opportunity to participate in a mass murder.
You know what he reminds me of a lot for some reason? You know the Elijah Wood character from Sin City?

Yeah! Like the thing where you could kind of just see

his glasses, like you could just see him wearing glasses

but you can't see his eyes. Like he just stands

and just quietly murders people.

He also yelled quite a bit.

He gave a lot of orders.

He was a very active man.

Hey! You know again,

don't want to be bored. I mean, if you could

compare him to anyone, I'd put him more as like say a commandant a commandant in, like, an Idensatzgruppen. Cool.
Yeah. Great.
And so, once the attackers disembarked from their boat to enact the massacre on Seals Island, one of the mutineers, in a move that effectively announced that no one was safe from what was about to come, he stabbed a child in the chest as his first move. In quick order, the mutineers then cut down five cabin boys and three men with their swords, then split up to chase down the rest of the totally defenseless survivors who'd scattered across the small island, which was a space no bigger than a small city park.
Now, 12 of the remaining cabin boys

hid themselves in bushes in the middle of the island.

But one cabin boy was grabbed by David Zavank,

who told the boy that he must help lustily to kill,

lest he be killed himself.

Can I say he's one of my...

I know that this is maybe wrong to say.

Yes.

He's one of my favorite goons in this whole story,

is this boy.

They had taken him from the Cape when they had stopped. He had stopped.
He was like from Sierra Madre. Yeah.
He was this kid that literally spoke no English and he got across to him. But there was something about this 15-year-old boy where he was like, okay.
And he wasn't angry about it. And so he had to go kill the other boys.
Yeah. He's like, I don't know these motherfuckers.
I'll kill them. Yeah, fuck you.
Cool, great. Yeah, he was damn near a stowaway.
Yeah. Well, the 15-year-old cabin boy agreed to the terms.
And after being handed a knife, he chased down one of the other boys before pinning him to the ground and stabbing him to death. Boy, oh boy, I get to do this for fun? Yay! Thank you, mister! But once the mutineers tired out, they dragged the wounded to the sea, six people, and held their heads under the water until they drowned.
Four pregnant women were found but spared. Aww! And the mutineers returned to Batavia's graveyard with the newly murderous cabin boy recruit, having killed 16 people.
Oh, gee willikas, guys. This was the best afternoon I ever had.
Thank you so much for having me. I hope I get to kill boys tomorrow.
Can I get some soup? Today, you are a cabin man. Oh, yeah.
That's what I like to hear, buddy. Absolutely.
See, we can go. Oh, what's that smell? Is that clove oil? Now, from what it seems like, Euronymous considered the massacre to be a bit of a half-step.
A few days later, he ordered his followers to sail back in the middle of the night to finish off the cabin boys who'd hidden the bushes. And once the group of 12 were found, most were bashed to death with morning stars and stabbed with daggers.
Meanwhile, in another horrific loyalty test, the new cabin boy recruit they picked up

last time they were on Seals Island,

they ordered him to murder the four pregnant women

they'd spared.

And the cabin boy did as he was told

by slitting the throats of all four while they slept.

Sure thing, boss.

It's like I'm killing for two.

Yeah, and now I got eight, right?

That's me, child killer. Yeah, you're fine.
You're good. You're doing good.
Yeah, you're I got eight, right? That's me. Child killer.

Yeah, you're fine. You're good.
You're doing good.

Yeah, you're doing real. I'll kill you.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Get this fucking kid away from me. I fucking can't stand up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm bored.

Great, great, great. I'm bored.

Hey, look.

I'm bored. I'm bored.

I'm bored.

I'm gonna kill this freaking woman.! Oh God, I hate him. Well, three cabin boys survived the second massacre on Seals Island, but were caught almost a week later when they emerged from hiding.
Two of them were brought back to Batavia's graveyard and drowned, while the third begged for his life and ultimately joined the men who'd been trying to kill him for days on end. Now, by this point, Euronymous had ensured that almost every one of his followers had murdered someone, but he'd never actually killed anyone himself.
Whoa, he's like MS-13. That all changed, however, when Euronymous decided to murder an infant, which is either the easiest or hardest murder, depending on your point of view.
Easiest. It's easiest.
It's much easier than stabbing that man to death. Emotionally, I know.
That's what I mean. But at this point, you see so much death.
This is like, oh, it's like, finally, I get an easy one. Yeah.
To me, honestly, even emotionally, it's kind of easier in a way because the thing about it is that you can just chuck it in the ocean. You can just leave it outside.
It goes. I could kill a man easier than I could kill a baby, but I could kill a baby easier than I could kill a six-year-old.
Now, I thought about it. Oh, definitely could kill a baby easier than a six-year-old.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think it'd be harder to kill a six-year-old than a 13-year-old.
Yeah, absolutely. Just because they're stronger.
Oh, I'd kill a 13-year-old on the drop of a fucking hat. Unfortunately.
These are the things. I didn't sleep well last night.
So I had a lot of time. I just spent four hours so I could roll and through things.
God, yeah. I didn't sleep well either.
I almost killed a 17-year-old last night. I'm talking about Tootsie.
Not stop barking. See, Batavia's graveyard was home to quite a few mothers in the beginning, but there had been one infant who'd been crying every night and keeping people awake.
Euronymous was particularly annoyed. So he opened his apothecary satchel, salvaged from the Batavia, and mixed a potion called Mercurium Sublimatum to kill the baby.
But, as I said on the first episode, Euronymous was a shitty apothecary. So while the poison did quiet the baby down somewhat, it didn't do its ultimate job.
Instead, Euronymous just put the baby in a kind of half coma. But he, of course, didn't have the stones to finish the job himself.

Well, instead,

Euronymous forced upper merchant Pelsart's clerk to kill the baby.

Yeah, you'd do it.

Partly as a little fuck you to Pelsart,

and partly because Euronymous knew that the clerk was a coward

who'd do anything Euronymous told him to do.

Because I'd imagine killing a baby might have been too much to ask

for some of Euronymous's mutineers.

Arr, I tell you, I don't have

any problems with killing the baby,

but can I fuck it first?

I don't mean to be...

I'm not trying to make people upset.

I'm not doing it if I gotta fuck it after.

Listen, I'm just kind of...

I'm just curious, and I just...

Is this a safe space for me to ask

these questions?

Yeah, it is.

So he didn't kill the baby.

No, he didn't.

So he sucks.

He can't even kill a baby.

Yeah, in the end,

he actually didn't kill anybody

because it was the clerk who did it.

Because after fetching the clerk,

Euronymous and his followers

went to the infant's tent

and took it from its mother's arms.

Euronymous then told the clerk, quote,

Here's a half-dead child.

You're not a fighting man.

Here's a little noose. Go over there and fit it so that we here on the island do not hear so much wailing.
Taking orders like the coward he was, the clerk carried the baby outside, took the little noose, and strangled it to death, making the infant the 105th murder victim to fall prey to Euronymous' will since the takeover. And I know this is, like, not funny.
Okay. And this is not cute.
I'm just saying, Marcus. Yeah, no, just fucking whatever you're gonna say, say it.
It's just, is that not the cutest way to kill a baby? With a tiny noose. Like, that is just the cutest sort of way to execute a baby.

Yeah, you know what?

Granted.

And when you're on an island, like a desert island,

away from everyone in the world,

there is little noose.

But sometimes,

but the key is that no noose

is good noose.

You're right, you're right. What did they do? No, unfortunately for the rest of the survivors, 105 people murdered still didn't get the mutineers close to their goal of ultimately bringing down the population down to 45 or less.
So the massacres continued, one after another. The next mass killing involved the family of the aforementioned minister, Gisbert Bastions.
It's a hard name. Gisbert.
Gisbert. Gisbert had brought...
Gisbert. We can just call him the American Gisbert.
Gisbert. Gisbert had brought seven of his eight children on the Batavia to join him on Java,

where he had planned to be a spiritual leader to the Dutch settlers.

This is my son, Jisbert Jr.

This is Jisman.

This is Jis-sons.

This is my daughter, Jis-is-ian.

And this is my other son, Jisbert the Third.

They're all named after what made them.

Big old pie semen.

Coming for my balls.

Don't forget my daughter, Jisman.

This is my daughter.

She's Jisman because she's also mostly Jis.

What do you think holds her together?

That is what holds a woman together.

Jis.

Yeah.

People are going to love that. They really are.
They really are. It's a womb-shaped island.
Yeah, very much so. I know exactly what it looks like, too, because I can measure it by the size of my fist.
Now, Minister Bastions believed at this point that his family was safe because his daughter had been courted by a mutineer who'd murdered half a dozen people already. And the minister had encouraged this engagement in the hopes that it would keep his family alive.
But the quota of 45 had to be met. Sands are tied.
And Euronymous was playing a larger game besides. A few days after the massacre on Seals Island wrapped up, the minister and his daughter, the one engaged the mutineer, they were lured away from their family tent with the promise of a meal.
Pretty much the same game that he played with Hans. Let me just ask you this.
How does a hamburger sound? Good. Yeah? How much jizz is on this? As much jizz as you put on it, jizmer.
You know what I'm saying? Six o'clock on the dot. Dental reservations.
See you in my bed. While they were gone, David Zavank and eight other mutineers dug a grave pit as deep as they could manage, then snuck over to the minister's tent armed with hatchets and daggers.
Oh, excuse me. What is that pit for? Are you making a pool? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I figure, you know, even though you're on the ocean, sometimes it's nice to have a pool.
Honestly, because I hate the waves, but I love the pool. Isn't that crazy? It's like Eranek, right? Where I have to go to dinner with Euronimish.
Well, the first person killed at the

minister family tent was the family servant, called from the tent, then stabbed and left to die. With her out of the way, Zavank entered the tent with his men, grabbed their oil lamp, and said, quote, Here has been reported hidden goods of the company that we will search for, and we will get them.

With that,

Zayvank blew out the lamp

and in the pitch black murdered the minister's wife and children aged 8 to 23 by caving in their skulls or beating them to death, seven kids in all. The only one to almost escape was the youngest, as he was small enough to duck through the legs of his attacker.
But Zavank was nearby, and without a thought, he brought his hatchet down hard on the eight-year-old and killed him. The last person alive was the mother, who by this point survived many stab wounds, bludgeons, and gashes.
So a mutineer finished her off by turning her skull into mush. And once everyone was dead, the corpses were dragged to the freshly dug grave pit and tossed inside.
Now, this is a dish I like to call macaroni and cheese. But it's made, as you can see here, the cheese is bird shit.
Ah! And the noodles birds intestines. Ah! But if you can just close your eyes for a second, it's like you're eating mac and cheese.
Just the sound of it. The sound of it reminds me of mac and cheese.
It kind of reminds me of Is my family okay? Yeah. I heard that they were checking out the pool.
It is a little easier to joke about the victims when it's 500 years ago it's much easier it's the oldest rule of comedy tragedy plus time equals comedy yeah yeah now the minister was quite understandably broken by the murder of his wife and children the day after the massacre he was ordered to stop weeping and get back to work. And when the minister did as he was told, Euronymous's ultimate plan concerning the murder of the minister's family was complete.
See, in addition to bringing the island's numbers down, Euronymous had ordered the murder of the minister's family to maintain control over his gang. With the island's only man of God an empty husk, it was less likely for him to convince people that murder was wrong, or to even introduce the idea of guilt over everything they'd already done.
That left the amoral Gnostic dogma preached by Euronymous himself as the only philosophical game in town, and Euronymous used his dogma to shield the mutineers from fear of criticism or divine retribution. As author Mike Dash put it, Euronymous had created a society where his followers owed loyalty to him and him alone, where they were bound together not only by their crimes, but also by their rejection of conventional authority.
As such, Euronymous told his followers to reject the VOC rules that had previously stopped them from blaspheming and swearing. And to add insult to injury, he even encouraged them to openly ridicule the minister in his grief.
Which is usually fun. That's the thing.
Usually. It's usually really fun to make fun of a minister, a priest, any man of you know like you can make fun any of one of the funnest things to do is to break a priest's faith i can't imagine how powerful and how fucking awesome and how thickly i would just do that yeah but it's just it's you can't do it by killing his entire family though no you want to do it problem truly the way to.
Truly the way to do it, bottoming him into submission. Yeah.
Without any clove oil. Your goal is not fucking him.
He fucks you and you are asked. Power bottoming.
If you power bottom a priest hard enough, it does kill God in his heart. And I think that's important for our gay men out there to get that going.
And I think that Euronymous, sadly, it's, I mean, proved a point. He's like,

what's God? God isn't saving you.

Yeah. And I'm the only authority here

that is making anything happen.

I fucking hate when people give agnostics a bad name.

It's, well, these are Gnostic.

Gnostic. Gnostic is all about God

is a power. It's like, it was a whole

thing. It's in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
They pulled it all

out of the Bible. Gnosticism

essentially believes that you don't need

the church to gain

the power of Christ. Like, you can literally talk

I don't need the church to gain the power of Christ. Like, you can literally talk to God yourself.
Oh, okay. But what Uranus specifically took from it is that Gnostics also believe that God and the devil are of equal power.
And so if God and the devil are of equal power, therefore there's really no really no such thing as good or evil because good and evil are equal. And they were it can be pervert like it can be looked at in a bunch of different ways.
But Euronymous specifically perverted that belief to say, like, well, if there's no good and evil, then that means no sin exists, which means that I can do anything I want without any sort like he still believed he could go to heaven. Yeah.
Oh, yes. Very much so.
And he also believed that he also believed in the power of the Dutch contractual world where one thing that we'll talk, one thing that they did here was that they took every single woman that was in a pile here and they signed them up for quote unquote public service, which was, I guess at a time they would do on boats. Common service.
Common service. Yeah.

They would do a thing where they would have a system of sex workers that would work within either whatever community, and they would have a, it would be legal, right? And it would be kind of budgeted. Yes, but these women were paying passengers.
Well, no, yeah, these women are fucked, right? These women were not, this was not good for them, but they signed, a lot of the women had to sign these like sort of fake contracts agreeing to be in this common service, whatever the term is, and then they basically turned it into a giant horrible fucking sex dungeon. It is crazy that throughout all of this, they're on this island, everything's devolved into chaos, like a hundred people are killed by this point, they still are like signing shit.
Dude, that's how they, that's what they believe society was built on. Yeah.
That's how

they, that's how the whole thing works. In fact, that's absolutely what I'm about to talk about

right now. All right, great.
Yeah. And by the way, at this point, uh, only seven women are left

alive. Most of them have been killed, uh, at this point, either for being, they said either for

being too old or for being pregnant.

But yeah, only seven women are still alive out of the 22 that started off on the journey.

Fucking shitty party.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now holding together this new nightmare society where the oaths of trust,

Euronymous forced his men to sign.

These were contracts which swore loyalty to each other and to Euronymous,

making them obedient to him in every way in whatever he should order them to sign. These were contracts which swore loyalty to each other and to Euronymous, making them obedient to him in every way in whatever he should order them to do.
These oaths, signed by 36 men by the end of it, also enforced a strict hierarchy. All who signed renounced anything that may have come before the islands, and they therefore took new ranks.
Euronymous, for example, the former lowly undermerchant, was now known as the Captain General. Yes.
Two things, Captain and General. I'm a Captain, and I'm a General.
I wanted to be an Admiral, too, but they said that was too much because they said it was too long of a name. Captain General Admiral.
Don't worry about it. Yeah, I see.
We're just in the water. Captain General's fine.
I wanted to actually be super wizard, but then everyone just said, what's a wizard? And I'm just like, it's a guy that's whatever. Yeah.
Well, the match's impressive title, Euronymous continually modified the uniform he'd stolen from upper merchant Pelsart, gussying up his look by adding ornamental trimming, gold lace, ribbons, and medals he made himself. You see this one? This is for best leader.
And this one? Nicest kisser. And this one, funniest man.
This one's for dirtiest kisser. I kissed inside of your mouth.
Euronymous, however, wasn't the only one to get perks. The mutineers, who'd proved to be more violent and murderous than all the others, were given two rows of ornamental trimming to add to their outfits.
And the men who held the highest status in the gang were the ones who'd recently killed the most people. So you had to keep killing in order to stay up top.
It was like a leaderboard. Yeah, or like a scout badge.
Hey, man, the beds are for closers. Mm, when it came to new recruits who really took to the murder aspect of being in Euronymous's gang, there were none who went through a more drastic change than cabin boy Jan Pelgrim, who became such a terror that he was mentioned in several journals.
Once Pelgrim joined the gang, he became the typical overzealous convert,

swearing far more than was necessary and mocking God with the energy

that only a teenager can muster.

From accounts, Pelgrim would run around the island

yelling things like, quote,

Come now, devils with all the sacraments!

Where are ya?

I wish that I now saw a devil! Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee. And who wants to be stabbed to death? I can do that very beautifully.
His fucking voice is like a goddamn dagger. Yeah.
I'll kill you again and again. Yeah, I know you will.
I know, Jan. Yay! I know, Jan.
Jan, I know. I know, Jan.
Jan, time to calm down. I'm bored.
I want to kill a pregnant woman. I want to make a woman pregnant.
I want to kill a pregnant woman. That takes time.
These kids have no patience. But Pelgrim's claim that he could stab someone to death very beautifully was all talk, but not because he lacked the will.
Since Pelgrim was very small and weak for his age, he was ironically the only person on Batavia who didn't have the strength to murder anyone. Come here, damn it.
Shut up. Get the fuck off of me.
You see him fighting with a bird. I'll get your bird.
Yeah, the baby was already dead by the time Pelgrim got on board. So the easiest death was already taken.
I just wish there was one more baby. But didn't he kill another boy? No.
This is a different boy. Henry used the same voice for two my boy.
It's my anonymous boy cabin boy voice and my anonymous sailor voice.

Yeah.

Okay, gotcha.

Same across the board.

Same across the board.

Well, in one particularly pathetic display,

Euronymous, after being pestered by Pelgrim for weeks,

finally gave his overzealous convert permission to kill the cabin boy who mended the fishing net.

Thank you!

This, however, was actually Pelgrim's second attempt at murder,

as sometime earlier, he'd failed to strangle one of the women due to his puny frame, and one of the mutineers had been forced to finish the job for him. Is this Hezbollah? That's what this feels like.
It feels like it's Hezbollah. Yeah, like little two MMA fighters? Yeah.
And so, in a scene reminiscent of a murderous game of T-Ball,

the mutineers tied up the cabin boy who mended the fishing nets so Pelgrim could chop off his head. But once again, Pelgrim was foiled by his own frailty.
Ow! Ow! Pelgrim attempted to swing the sword he was given again and again, but he was so weak that the blows didn't even break the skin on his victim's neck. It's a goddamn...
Ow! Fuck! Pelgrim, stop this fucking shit! Stand me with a point! There's also rocks everywhere. Someone needs to sharpen a knife.
Yeah. I am sick of this.
It's hard. They have no standards.
Finally, though, a mutineer stepped in. It wasn't that the knife wasn't sharp enough.
It was that Pelgrim seriously could barely swing a sword. He was so fucking weak.
A mutineer stepped in and took the cabin boy's head off with one fucking single swing. Ah, come on! Come on, this man's supposed to do all day! Pelgrim was, of course, infuriated by his own failure.
Ah, you bastard! You fucker! Shit! And continued to beg for another chance, saying he would rather kill than eat or drink. Let me just cut a woman's parts off or something fun! You can't cut...
Pelgrim, you can't cut anything off. I just...
You can't cut anything off. We tried again and again.
We tried to give you the fucking hair tie. Let me have a musket! All right.
Yeah! But as far as I know, Pelgrim never got his wish. Yeah, I think that in the end they just loved, he was like the Dalmatian.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the fire truck.
No one wants to kill more than him and he can't. You know what I mean? How sad is that? The other sailors being like, can you imagine not being able to kill? That's gotta be the saddest thing ever, argh.
Ironically, the only thing that kept him alive. Yep.
Yeah. And the other sailors, or the mutineers, they kind of thought he was funny.
Of course, yeah. They encouraged him.
Yeah, it's cute. Yeah, yeah, say more like, hey, Pelgrim, say fuckhead.
Fuckhead! That's great. Yeah, right? I want to kill! Yeah.
Now, obviously, the murders have been coming fast and loose for some time, but they only got worse when Euronymous got paranoid and began ordering the deaths of anyone who might pose a challenge to his rule. And this, which happens in dictatorships all the fucking time.
Yes. And the murders, as a result, were getting more gruesome.
The ship's surgeon, for example, still well-liked by everyone on the island despite everything and still extremely important to their survival, his death was ordered by Euronymous because Euronymous was worried. I think the surgeon's starting to take...
He's starting to think. He's thinking about taking over.
The surgeon was stabbed repeatedly by a pike before his head was smashed in with a morning star and it was cut away from his body. But there had been one murder that hadn't worked out as planned.
And that failure would threaten the twisted world Euronymous had built. See, soon after the minister massacre, David Zavonk ordered a new recruit to break his murder cherry by killing the Batavia's underbarber.
So the recruit lured the underbarber out of his tent with a story about catching birds. But when another mutineer jumped out and the two men tried ambushing their victim, you're going to hate this, Ed, their swords were so blunt that the underbarber was barely wounded.
Barely a scar. Barely a touch on me.
None of you will ever get as sharp as my razor when I'm cutting in a flat top to a little boy. All right? You'll never get me.
I'm the underbarber. Underbarber, yeah.
Well, the underbarber ran away and hid, but luckily the new recruit wasn't all that jazzed about killing in the first place, and his accomplice was just fucking lazy. So they had a little conversation and convinced themselves that they had mortally wounded their target.
Yeah, he's got to be funny. He's basically dead.
Yeah, and how many places is he going to hide? I don't know. How long do you have to look? It's the size of a football field, for fuck's sake.
They've just killed so many people that they just are fucking over it. They're just like, eh, we'll get them.
Even that's boring. Yeah, well, fuck it.
I'm bored of even chasing man. Yeah.
Once the mutineers were gone, the underbarber snuck over to one of the poorly guarded boats and sailed for the highlands, where Viva Hayes and the other VOC loyalist soldiers had been thriving for weeks. Yeah, dude.
That's the thing. On the other island, they're having a great time.
They're having the best vacation of their lives. Yes, they were stuck.
It's like all these seals. Yeah, listen to this shit.
I mean, Viva's men had discovered after properly exploring the two islands that every single person who had survived the shipwreck, all people could have lived on the highlands indefinitely without ever running out of food or water yes viva's men found sources of water so rich they didn't need to ration at all and each man had his fill of fish and birds and eggs they said that like all the birds like laid eggs as large as a hen's egg. You wouldn't even

believe. It's just amazing.

God, I just...

I like mine poached.

That's what we were doing. They even discovered

a mammal to eat. There was a type of

wallaby called a tamar.

Viva's men called them cats.

And they were, just like

everything else on the highlands, easily

caught and delicious. Love these

guys. Yeah.

But that's all to say that while the survivors under Euronymous's rule were living a never-ending nightmare, teetering on the edge of starvation, Viva's men had found a relative paradise where everyone was chill and the guy in charge was an actual good person. So if they would have just tried once to check in on them, everything would have been fine.
Well, I mean, everything would have been fine for the survivors. Everything would not have been fine for Euronymous.
Or them, because it really comes down to who wins this fight. If they don't know that there's a fight happening.
Right now, Euronymous has the upper hand because he has all this going on and they don't know that it's happening yet until this moment. The tranquility of the highlands was shattered when survivors began showing up from Batavia's graveyard in small groups because Euronymous had not been able to maintain a tight seal over the three islands under his control.
They killed them all. Yes.
I was wondering what you're going to do with that. Eight survivors had managed to escape the initial massacre on Seal's Island by raft, and a further 20 washed up in groups of four or five from Batavia's graveyard itself, including the underbarber.
That meant that people have been showing up on Viva's Island since like mid-July. Yeah.
You know, they'd been coming in steadily. So they had an idea.
They knew exactly what was going on. Every single one of them came on shore like, they're fucking killing people over there, man.
They're going crazy. Well, because also the big thing was that they lit the fires and Euronymous and crew were supposed to come immediately.
When they lit those fires, they were all supposed to come over and hang. That was the idea of come get them, bring them back.
We're going to ferry this back and forth. And as soon as they lit the fires, I was like, a day passed, another day passed.
And they're like, oh, shit's actually very real on that island over there. Yeah, something bad's going down.
And remember, they don't have any rafts. They're stuck there.
Waiting. Waiting for someone to come get them.
And there's 70 of them. They're, at this point, over on the other island...
On High Island. On High Island.
At this point, there's 50. Okay, cool.
But when you include all the people that have come over, like all the refugees from Batavia's graveyard, there's 50 people there. And it soon became clear to Viva Hayes that eventually, Euronymous and his gang would definitely mount an attack to keep their piracy dreams alive but while Hyas found himself in command of 50 people that outnumbered Euronymous's crew by almost 15 men the problem was that they had no weapons because remember Euronymous had confiscated everything he had the swords he had the muskets so Viva and his men fashioned pikes affixed to 16-inch iron nails using wood that washed up on shore, and they also made their own homemade morning stars.
They gathered lumps of coral to throw and fashioned catapults made from rope and tree branches to hurl rocks. Eventually, Viva's group took to calling themselves the Defenders.

And it's with the inevitable

war between the two camps.

War! War!

And the return of Upper Merchant

Pelsar that will finish our

series on the Batavia next

week. Fuck! Yes, and these guys are

all soldiers, too. These guys are all soldiers.

They're trained. And these are the best

soldiers, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next week, we will get into some of the strategies, but I am not kidding when I say the ending of this story devolves into one of the long, it's like an action sequence out of any movie. It's crazy.
Out of any fucking big massive, because this is going to go down to the very last minute. Yeah.
And the epilogue is also insane. Yes.
Also, I want to say, I got you both a present to help us not get into this situation ever. Oh, okay.
Are you ready for this? Yeah, what'd you get us? I got it with me. You have a gun? No, it's nutmeg.
It's a lifetime supply. Oh, wow.
Nutmeg.

Thanks.

Finally.

And it's super warm from being in your pocket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I took it to the bathroom with me when I did nutmeg. Great, great, great, great.

It looked great.

You know what's also perfect is I found out that you can get high from nutmeg, but the

high is so horrifying that it actually can shatter your brain.

Yeah.

That's the reason why nutmeg is still sold in stores. If the high was good, it would be illegal.
Well, we've got a long weekend. Yeah, let's try it.
Because you know what's the perfect day to get high on nutmeg? President's Day. Coming this Monday.
Go and enjoy it. Go to patreon.com slash lastblog.
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Oh, yes. Yeah, and also when you're doing the Patreon, make sure you watch this show.

You can see our faces.

You can see Henry bouncing around as a cabin boy the whole time.

It's a lot of fun.

Also, we're hitting the road.

We're coming for you.

We're hitting us to high seas.

That's right.

This is very appropriate today.

It really is.

As of today, you can officially join Henry and I via ticket.

As of today, you can officially buy tickets to crimewaveatc.com slash left. Buy tickets.
You can come and see us. We are going to and again, what we talked about inside stories, what this is going to be is going to be so stupid and ridiculous.
I have no idea if it's ever going to happen again. You do need to come and join Eddie and I.
Please save us. Yes, we will be there.
We're going to go to the Bahamas, and then we're going to do a fucking belly flop contest. Dude, we're fucking locked in with you.
If you come on this cruise, we're locked in with you. I cannot escape, so please check that out.
Also, we're going to be in Dallas in a couple weeks on February 22nd, and then after that, Nashville. And we're doing Detroit.

Yeah, we got more Toronto.

And Atlanta.

And more dates to come, actually.

More dates to come very soon.

Very soon.

All right, you fuckers.

That's the last podcast on life.com.

And you guys can go fuck yourselves.

Well, lovingly.

No, no.

I mean, come on.

No, no.

Lovingly.

Lovingly.

Lovingly fuck each other to completion.

Yeah.

Hail Satan.

Hail Gein.

All these people suck.

I'm sorry. lovingly fuck each other to completion hail Satan all these people suck you know what we heard the word morning star a lot today hail Travis morning star oh wow nice and I hope his body is not used to decapitate a child get ready for Netflix's gripping new medical drama, Pulse.

Set in a cutting-edge Miami trauma center, third-year resident Dr. Danny Sims is unexpectedly thrust into a promotion when beloved chief resident Dr.
Xander Phillips gets suspended.

Then, when the emotional and physical stakes are at their highest,

a storm will push the hospital and its residents to their limits.

Witness how life can change in a heartbeat

when you're operating under pressure.

Watch Pulse, only on Netflix.