Side Stories: The Audition

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Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories.
Yes. Oh, God.
What a week. You know, it's...
Yeah, you feeling good? You stretch? You know what it is? I've been having some problems with my shoulder, and I went into PT, right? Yeah. And he explained to me, he showed me this whole thing I'd never seen before.
He was like, it's this sort of like ancient form of exercise. Can you show it to me? Yeah, it's like he said that if I have problems with the right shoulder, it's going to go, oh, like this.
That works. It's like a salute motion.
If you can see it, I saw this. It's crazy.
It was like serendipitous. Make sure you stick around to see the release of the video.
The key is that my shoulder hurts. Yeah, I see that.
I have to do it like, ah. You know what that looks like? What? A Roman salute.
Whoa. I actually, that's kind of crazy.
Now that you say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
From your heart out to the, yeah. And we know that the Romans were, you know, they didn't have slaves.
No. And the Romans were innocent.
Yeah, they were totally cool. They didn't kill Christians.
No, no, no. They didn't kill Christians Alliance for entertainment.
Yeah. Yeah, look at that.
Your shoulder feel good? Yeah, let me try it. I'm feeling better.
Actually, there's another. My hip's been hurting.
Yeah, yeah. Is there another one? There's another one.
Yeah, my hip's been hurting. Yeah, what's wrong? Yeah, I'm trying to, I've been doing this one.
Oh, whoa, big high steps. Yeah, and then if you do them together, if you do them together, you're just like, ah.
Ooh, actually, that's some really good cardio, because what's nice is, you know what's funny? Just seeing you do that, kind of reminds me of a silly little goose. Doing silly little goose steps.
Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Zebrowski.
I'm sitting here with my best friend, Ed Larson. That's right.
How you doing, buddy? And we are obviously parodying a bit of what's going on here. You see, I just, you know, if you're on my main takeaway from this whole week, right? We're just not even going to mention his name.
I mean, we know. I fight, right? We're public figures in a way.
And so I know I have like what you call impulsive thoughts on a public level level all the time and I'm put in front of people, sometimes I've been talking so long all week that sometimes I even forget like I'm on microphone. And I forget that I'm on stage.
I'm just constantly doing stuff. So you kind of just forget.
But I'd say a big thing I'd like to give to any piece of advice to anybody who wants to be a performer. Yeah.
Is that if you're ever in a situation where there's a podium and a lot of flags. And people in front of you.
Behind you. Behind you.
Right. Yeah.
And if you're on like the steps of the Capitol. Of the building.
Of any big Capitol building. I'd say one thing you might want to do.
You might want to avoid. Is any single motion that might be misconstrued for a zig aisle.
Only just because... People get mad! I'm not trying to shit on artistic expression.
Yeah. We know that it's a lucky thing.
Everybody knows the swastika is lucky. Yeah.
And, but it's just important to know is to think about what's this going to look like on YouTube? You know, what's this going to look like as a still? Yeah, especially like as a leader, as someone who's buying our country. I don't know, but you know what? But that's innocent mistakes.
Innocent mistakes. Innocent mistakes.
He's from South Africa. He doesn't know what Nazis are.
No, they have something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. They did a bunch of other stuff that his family was involved in.
That's right. So it's got nothing to do with hate.
It's got to do with pointing in a fun, aggressive way. Yeah, yeah.
He was just so happy. So filled with exuberance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he had to zig high him.
He had to. Which, I mean, again, and I'll say this, and I mean this, and there's nothing wrong with the hand movement in and of itself, right? If you separate the hand movement, it could be throwing a bird.
It could be throwing a rock. It could be...
But no, but then you have to have a closed hand. I guess that that goes out.
You might be right. You might be right.
It's a bad throw. Everyone knows classically you throw like a football like this.
The main thing is, you know what's a good hand motion for politicians? I feel your pain. Little thumbs.
I see. I like this one.
This is a jerk off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's just what they do to themselves and to everyone at home and to the constituencies that they pretend to work for. Well, they gotta do that and they do the foot tap.
Yeah, foot tap. That's different.
That's different. That's a get.
That's a get. That's a get.
That's a get. You gotta chip that foot.
Well, obviously. I love that their excuse was like, it's not the Zieghaio.
Mussolini used to do it. And you're like, what are you talking about? It's just this whole long conversation.
Obviously, we're now a part of the smoke screen that they like to use. Like this is a whole thing.
Because also the Zieg Heil was based upon the Roman salute. So it was literally, it is a natural extension of the Roman salute.
Yeah. It's all just, it's just bad optics, you know, across the board.
So I would just say, and also just be really careful about standing next to a Nazi or being anybody who wants to be next to Nazis, because those guys need to be gotten rid of. Yeah.
And if you're standing next to a Nazi, there's always a chance you'll get shot. Yeah.
I think you just got to be careful about that. You got to know that.
Okay. Because it's a bad look.
Yeah. It's a bad look.
But I do want to remind our listeners, if you see a Nazi, you punch it in the goddamn face. All I know is I'm never getting into Tesla again.
Never. I only drive American.
Yep. I only, yep.
Fuck these pieces of shit. But hey, we're not going to turn into Jimmy Kimmel.
No. I'm not crying every day for the next fucking four years.
I don't give a shit. No.
All right? So we're just going to move on. But he is very successful.
He's doing very well. Yeah.
If we did turn into Jimmy Kimmel, our lives would be great. Yeah, sure.
Of course. I'm just saying in terms of- If we chose that.
I'm just not going to cry in front of you. Oh, no.
As a listener, I want you to laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're just going to- I cry alone. Yeah, oh yeah.
Or in front of my wife. Nah, man.
I don't even cry in front of- The only person I cry in front of is my personal banker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I go to the bank. See, I cry in front of Julie and I make her throw money at me.
See, that makes you feel better. Yeah, she takes it out of your wallet and puts it back and then you can put it back in your wallet and you just, like, it's nice.
Yeah, because you cry when you lose money. No, that's the thing, but then you can cry, or you stop crying when you make money.
Now, a lot of other news happened this week. There's a lot of news happened this week.
Yeah, what happened this week? Did anything, were you involved in anything? Let's say, okay, I'm having a ridiculous week. It has been, so obviously there was big news.
On side stories today, I will say this is a vaguely light news week because apparently there was a presidential inauguration that happened. So it sucked the news cycle all the way up.
But in the middle of that, I'm sitting in the airport in Detroit. A brand new documentary.
Now, I had no idea. I had no idea that this was happening.
I get one text that was like, oh my god, Henry, I'm watching you naked. And I was just like, where's my money?

But you were like, I was like, what are you talking about?

Because, well, obviously I was like, well, technically I've been nude. Right now you're currently nude on three platforms now.

Yes.

Netflix, the characters, I'm nude.

Yes.

And YouTube, I'm nude.

And now, piss penis.

Piss penis.

But just peacock.

Yes, peacock.

Piss penis. So I found out in the most hilarious, like I just can't even believe my life, that I was featured as the number one refused audition for SNL.
They said this thing about how they went over about outrageous auditions or whatever, right? And then a producer for Saturday Night Live, Lindsay Shookus, presented my audition out of nowhere.

Looks like Lindsay took us.

She's a fine lady.

She's fine.

She's got a face like a knockoff Gucci bag.

She's very, she does have a mean, thin face.

Her head should come with handles.

Yes.

That's all I'm trying to say.

But in real life, she's fine.

Right?

She's fine.

And so we, a lot of people ask me questions. All of a sudden, my inbox explodes with my audition was put into the 50th anniversary documentary series that charts how the show gets made.
Congratulations! Yeah, that's great! It's amazing! It's a big thing! It's on Piss Penis! It's really crazy! Okay, the reason why it's crazy is because all the pickups, right? I got Time Magazine likes. You see what they said? Oh, yeah, dude! It's crazy.
It's a big thing. It's fucking...
It's on piss penis. It's really crazy.
Okay, the reason why it's crazy is because

all the pickups, right? I got Time Magazine

likes. You see what they said? Oh, yeah, dude.

It's Time Magazine, People Magazine.

Also, if these motherfuckers are gonna be

talking about you in their goddamn magazines,

mention the podcast. It'd be nice

if you fell glass. Yeah, you just think you say podcaster,

but, like, say the name of the fucking podcast,

Time Magazine. The only thing I would take

umbrage with the coverage of my audition in the documentary series. Where's Five Press? Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. But the only reason why I took any, at first, I was like, oh my God.
But it mostly was just because it felt like they introduced my audition and then it sounded like I just died. Right? Like, I never did anything ever again.
They really made it seem like you were just like a forgotten human being. And I am.
But I also still act. And I still perform.
I'm here, right? I am still here no matter what anybody says. But it's...
Now I've like kind of absorbed it all and I am just so tickled that this fucking happened. Yeah.
There's a lot of fucking coverage. And I had a lot of people ask me if I wanted to like you know you know, we were doing things.
I asked, like, should I talk about this and my process? And I figure I could for a couple minutes. Yeah.
Because the only thing I really want to talk about is even how I got into the place of having an audition for Saturday Night Live. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, what she said about it was she said when someone comes out and doesn't get a laugh it's the worst feeling because it was like

I picked these people. Well I think

what is that? Did she pick you?

No. So

the long story is

how do I do this shortly and

succinctly? The people want to know!

You've kept it in the bag for so

long and they brought it back and they opened the bag.

Because normally on the show we have content to talk about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so now this is me

talking about this thing that happened to me. It's wild.

I've never experienced this. You are in the news.
Yeah, sure. So I'll talk about it.
This is a new show. So, Saturday Night Live, in order to get anywhere involved inside of the systems of Saturday Night Live, so like maybe just an example is that the night I audition, they audition you at night and I'm certain they went over this in the documentary and this is the audition process has been gone over a bunch.
Maybe we'll have talked about what it's like to go through. It's purposely very harrowing with this.
One thing that Lindsay shook a sort of the way that kind of puts it kind of how do you it kind of removes the context of the writers are told to not react. They are.
They purposely don't react. That's the whole point, right, is that they want to see you cold.
Obviously, there's political stuff inside of these rooms where you could see if some, you know, a faction of writers might be buddies with somebody or know somebody or want to be somebody. They might throw in a couple of laughs just to kind of pump them up, but it's political.
The goal is to be like, impress me. Cold, it's live, do it.
Yeah, it's like a doctor's office. It's very intense.
And at the time, I thought I did well. That's why I took your clothes off.
Yes, I had to. But honestly, I will say is I made the sound guy laugh, which is how I knew I'd got something somewhere.
And then I was also, I was on hold for the entire year. Do you remember that year? No, it was insane.
Because I remember when you actually did the audition, Holden, Ken, and I were at like a bar waiting for you to get done. Like it was Goodfellas.
Yes, it was intense. Waiting for you to get made and shit.
It was the scariest night of my life. And I was very, very young.
I was very green. And so for Saturday Night Live, to get on their radar, you normally have to work at some established comedy theater.
That's the way it goes about. They don't pick random motherfuckers.
Not necessarily, but it's a lot of places they have history. So obviously Second City in Chicago, in Toronto, there's Groundlings in LA.
Now, especially in more modern times, when I started really getting into it, it was like UCB became a fast way in because of the Amy Poehler, Tina Fey connections.

Yeah.

But they would also kind of go around and they'd scout.

They would pick up some stand-ups.

When they wanted stand-ups, they'd go look for stand-ups.

It's really depending on what they're looking for.

And at the time, Saturday Night Live, not to be surprising, was looking for a white man.

Yeah.

And so I was one of them, right?

This is the truth.

So I was one of these people.

Were you the fattest, at least? Of course. Thank God.
Who's going to do that? Who's going to take that from me? But I went. So one way to get in is to potentially work for somebody that works for Saturday Night Live ahead of time.
Yeah. And so I mean this.
I was very young. It was 2010, January 2010.
And I was on my maybe third pilot audition ever for a show called Beach Lane that was written by Paul Sims, who did News Radio. And it was going to be the return of Matthew Broderick.
Surefire hit. It was to be Matthew Broderick was coming to television.
That was like the whole thing. It was Kristen Johnson from Third Rock from the Sun.
Nick Thune. Nick Thune, Amy Garcia.
These great actors. Nick Thune was great.
All these guys were great. And it was this, it was the pilot of the year because it was produced by Lorne Michaels and Marcy Kline, Broadway Video.
And we had no idea what this was going to be. So it was a network pilot.
And I mean this, this is the, this has never happened since. Besides my audition for Wolf of Wall Street, where those are the, both of the easiest auditions I've ever had was that Beach Lane audition and Wolf of Wall Street.
Both were just easy. I don't know why, but that one, I remember walking in there, it was raining and I was a mess.
I was disgusting. It was the middle of winter.
I came in, I was all wet. I was all discombobulated.
The audition was only five lines long. I walked into the room and for some reason me and the writer clicked.
Me and Paul sends me click because I did a thing where I was like, there you are Peter. I was going to, I was doing a bit with him.
I forgot what happened. Yeah.
For some reason they, they hired me almost on the spot. They went and they took my tape and they tested my tape, which is a thing that doesn't normally happen in networks.
And my tape went through a whole process without me having to deal with it. And it was, I got this amazing part.
And I think what happened was that I was so young and dumb and naive because most show business people, you got to understand people that you know that are famous. Yeah.
They've been acting since they're fucking three. Yeah.
They've all been in LA, they've been in New York, they've been doing things. I'm arriving for the first time into quote unquote show business at 25, right? Which is actually kind of old.
Which is funny, right? It's old to join show business. And so I get this part, and because I had no idea what in the living fuck I was doing, I really think it helped me to crush it.
So what you don't know is that in these scenarios, especially these network sitcoms, very, very high level, a lot of money is being dumped into this. They retrofitted an entire studio inside of the Pennsylvania Hotel in New York City.
They made a studio for it. They built it.
It was crazy. And so much money.
You don't understand that every minute you're being watched and every minute you're being judged.

And they're ready to fire your fucking ass the second that you don't fit.

And I at first didn't think that that was real until I watched the original lead of the show get fired that day.

Who was much more famous than me and much more famous than Nick Thune who replaced him.

He was a famous comedian.

I don't even want to name him. But he got fired got fired from that show who was like the, after the first read through.
And so you're like, so wild. But at first you just don't understand.
You're like, Oh shit. Oh, you can get fired at any time.
Yeah. For what seems like nothing.
And nothing just being the improper fit. So, but the thing is that it didn't phase me yet.
So I didn't fully grasp that. So to be honest, I did extremely well.
I did really well during the, all of the various levels of the readings. Yeah.
I went in front of a live studio audience and I felt at home. I was in front.
It felt like doing murder fest. I was just doing essentially live comedy in a taped area.
And I clicked. There was like a thing where I was like, you know that you were like, wow, I can really do this.
Like network television is something I think I can do. I have the timing for it.
And you ended up doing network television multiple times. I did.
But the producer of that, one of the most dramatic nights of my life was after the shoot of that. We went upstairs.
So we were all hanging out. And what's fun about show business is that like they're secret places so i get invited up to a secret area where we could smoke inside yeah because especially back then everyone smoked oh yeah it was like you and that was where you got shit done and how you got like gigs was just by smoking cigarettes or hanging out with the cigarette smoker that's just how it was and one of the executive producers looked at me and said how would you like to be on Saturday Night Live? And I was like, you know, it's a dream.
No, I don't want it. Fuck you.
But now I know that's truly powerful. Yeah.
Saying no is powerful, ladies and gentlemen. And you have to remember sometimes because it can make everything else turn around.
You never know. But at the time I was like, absolutely.
Because this was when, when I got Beach Lane, I was on unemployment. I had to, I remember taking food from craft services home.
I'd have to go and take all the granola bars and all the snacks, and I'd have to jam them into my bag, and I'd have to leave. And I remember all the time when it's like, because we'd go out, like I hung out with Matthew Broderick three or four times.
He's the best, right? Yeah, and he's got fucking Lay's potato chips in your bag and granola bars and shit. He's just amazing.
But Matthew Broderick's like, hey, you want to go out to dinner tonight? And I'm like, I don't know how to tell you, Mr. Broderick.
I cannot afford to be anywhere near you. Yeah, you have to buy it.
Yeah, yeah. You would have to be you to get it, you know? And so he took us out a couple times.
It was actually really nice, but I was like, I was fucked, right? Yeah, you didn't get in the car with him though what do you mean i actually drove i helped well he he pushed the pedals and i went behind him so that's how i got even into the world and so i was picked by one of these active producers and it's just important for you to know that everything that happens on the 8h stage does not happen on accident my audition was ran several times. They all had my tapes.
They knew you were doing exactly, every word you said they knew was going to come out of your mouth. They saw Murder Fist.
They did a bunch of stuff. They'd research you.
They know you. They know you extremely well by the time you hit that stage.
They knew you so well that they knew Holden and I. Yes, because we also worked is because we were total outsiders, which you find out is a bad word in show business.

Because we were total outsiders, I thought they were going to be so excited to welcome me and my bros to that backriders room.

And they were going to be so thankful to have these three renegade fuckfaces in there.

And they were just going to lay the red carpet out for us. It didn't work out like that.
No, but that's like the Stooges joining the Beatles. Yes.
You know, like it's not gonna happen. It's the Yankees.
They're the Yankees of... Dallas Cowboys.
They are of comedy. Of comedy.
Yeah, yeah. Everyone that's why everyone hates it.
But I just want to say honestly, that's kind of, I guess, as far as I can go. The audition itself, it's just funny because they knew what I was going to do.
And I came out, and I'll always remember War Michael's favorite bit was the naked bit. I'll always remember that was the specific note he gave.
Love the naked monologue. I like it when you're naked.
But he also, and I don't even know if I should say that technically what he the note that I got back, the reason why I didn't get on was because the label what they said was, we don't do you anymore. Yeah, because Chris Farley died and John Belushi died and they were scared you were going to fucking drink and do cocaine to death.
I also think that to be honest, it's the vibe of the show changed. The vibe of the show changed.
Completely. And what they wanted It stopped, like, it started, like, that's when Saturday Night Live went from being silly to only saying things that are politically correct.
And current, well, it's basically more current events based impression, hardcore impression. Which they don't even let the cast members do anymore, which makes me insane.
Why would they? Every time there's a new fucking impression to do, they fucking, they bring in some A-list actor instead of using the cast that they fucking hired i do it would have been a nightmare if you got it man i do think that it's it is extremely stressful to do it if i were to do the audition again i would change but i maybe what i did not in terms of just the other things around it but you know i there's a term in comedy that you learn one of the things i you learn right when you start start off in doing acting in show business was that all my managers and agents, when I first started, they always ask, who's the version of you that you want to see? Like, they go, like, what career model do you want to follow? Tony Orlando. Always.
But the guy said, like, it was always asked these questions. So, like, obviously, for a long time, it was Chris Farley, besides the death.
But within comedy teachings, they have things that they call it. I want to say it goes back to, like, Comedie Del Arte shit, where, like, one term was sloppy clowns.
And that's what I was. I was a sloppy clown, which is not derogatory necessarily.
It just is an energy thing. And it was a thing that they sort of liked before.
You would have wore it as a badge of honor if someone called you that back then. Yes.
And this was in On Saturday Night Live, especially at the time, it was more like they just kind of weren't going for that angle. They were going for very clean cut people with that style of like they can go straight from this to a Revlon commercial to a network sitcom.
And it's like there's no alt in there, except for recently Sarah Squirm, who I think is a genius. Yes.
But these, like, these guys are... But otherwise, this is hilarious.
It's just hilarious that it's like this. If you want to know anything else about this, they'll tell you anything you want to know.
I forgot that I did the little bow. Yeah.
I forgot that I did the bow. I just can't believe Lindsay Shook has

came after you like that, man.

To me, like, that's fucked

up. Because that's something, like, it's the

ultimate, no offense, it's the ultimate

punching down from a gatekeeping

powerful person. And, like,

that fucking shit pisses me

off, dude. Sitting there,

like, looking like a fucking,

I've seen prettier things flopping around on a

dock. How long

do you think it took for them to get the hook out of her

Thank you. Oh, dude.
I'm just sitting there looking like a fucking... I've seen prettier things flopping around on a dock.
How long do you think it took for them to get the hook out of her mouth before the interview? All I'm saying is now I'm happy. I'm happy it happened.
It's crazy that it happened. It made me realize, like, I mean, Natalie, you know, it's unfortunately backhanded compliments of the only ones I normally receive.
Yeah. And I like them.
And I realize that that's me. And every single thing that I tried to destroy about myself or change about myself that I wanted to make like somebody else is why I have this job now and why I have this life now.
You've made your own life. So that is what I do.
And not just that. After that, you become the star of a television show.

Dude, I got- Directly after that, you get Wolf of Wall Street.

You're in a Martin Scorsese film.

It's fine, buddy.

It's just funny.

But then they're like sitting there pretending like you're a nobody.

You're a CEO of a million dollar company.

They just don't.

It's fine.

It makes me so crazy.

It's because we're below-

We are below them, Eddie.

The stork that delivers abortions fucking talks about you like that. We're just slightly below them and I don't care because you know what it's nice is that I got so many beautiful messages from listeners, from co-workers people I haven't heard from in a long time.
I got a lot of real... I'm extremely thankful this happened and it's fucking hilarious.
Yeah. And I, it sort of feels like a revenge.
It sort of feels like, it feels, it sort of feels like, well, in the end you had to include me. I did see some, the only, Lindsay shook us.
I have no problems with it. I now, I got some information.
I talked, I talked with the people. She's, it was not meant to hurt me.
It was not meant to be upset. Yeah, it seems like she was just being nice.
Yeah, it was.

That's how suicidal parrots act.

You know, when they're picking their feathers off.

Oh, yeah, molting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Fly from your blade.

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See Mint Mobile for details. I just want to say in the end, it's really nice.
Uh, the people who reached out to me, it was really, it was really fucking wonderful. And you know what this kind of brings it around? That's my shirt you're wearing.
It might be. You're looking at the audition tape right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was me doing Sprite Jansen.
Hello. That was Sprite Jansen.
But I, you know, it's just, you know, whatever, man. I will say I saw some mean things.
Someone, a writer once wrote about my audition, but didn't name my name in one of the big Saturday Night Live think pieces, like try to trash me. But that's just because writers are jealous of people that are naturally charismatic.
Yeah. But everybody else is, it's, it's, I want, I'm extremely, utterly thankful.
Like, because it's fucking crazy, man. This is me.
And I think, you know what this brings us to? Is David Lynch. Yes.
Because I'm not comparing myself ever. But the idea of, I was listening to somebody talk about David Lynch, and the one thing they said was like the center of his happiness.
So David Lynch walked around. Cigarettes.
He was, yes, he loved cigarettes. Don't worry, no one loves cigarettes like he loves cigarettes.
No one did. He wrote an ode to him on his deathbed.
That's how much he loves cigarettes.

Well, you viewed them as part of the art life.

It was like a way for him to stand out.

But what they said, they were like, yes, they believe that meditation was one big key to David Lynch. But Laura Dern said something that I found interesting.
I love Laura Dern. And she said, David had a serenity that seemed to come from his ability to express himself artistically without even once thinking about what somebody thought about the piece.
He never thought. Like, he never thought about what the judgments would put on him.
The only things he thought about was what he called the receiver, was the person that watched his work. That is the reason why for so long when people, there are all these memes of people saying like, explain Eraserhead, explain these things, and him saying no.
Yeah, no. Why would you, you fucking come up with it yourself.
You're a part of the, with Lynch movies, you're a part of the story when you're watching it. And with David Lynch, he made movies very similar to the way he painted.
And what he said was like a long time was being like, just straight up, like, I don't get why you want me to use words to talk about a visual medium. Like, why do you need me to try to explain something that's all in there? Yeah.
And it's for you to pick apart. And there's something about, like, there's something in there.
He struggled to make Dune because Dune was pushing him into a place he didn't want to go. They were forcing him to be a mainstream director.
Because also, he's told to. This is very similar to the SNL thing.
But he's told to be one, right? He's told that this is the way to go, that this is the only way to go. When I went to Florida State University and got my stupid BA in theater, they never talked about, there was any, the way that they talked about acting was essentially, you're never going to make it.
They said you weren't going to make it because you were too big. Everybody.
All they did was tell acting students, they never explained that there's so many ways, there's so many ways it's not just being a movie star. It's not just making IP for a major studio.
There's so many ways for you to make art in a professional, sustainable way. And you see David Lynch probably got suited with, slapped with this shit.
He's being like, well, if you really want to go, you need to fucking do a big one, which is like Dino De Laurentiis. He did that shit because he essentially he produced Dune and then he then after the catastrophe that was Dune he gave David Lynch permission to do Blue Velvet because he said you can go do whatever he wants and then he shows up with Blue Velvet and so now I start to understand that which I think Ira Glass also said too it's all the things that you kind of maybe don't like about yourself and your work because it doesn't look like somebody else's work and you want it to look like somebody else's work and you want to kind of take away those differences because you want it to be like somebody else but you don't understand those are the very things that why somebody likes what you do versus why they like what that person does and that David Lynch was such a good example of like you know everybody who likes David of felt like that's my director.
I think. I think a lot of people felt like, well, I have a personal relationship with David Lynch that you don't have because the art itself, you have a personal relationship with.
Because it's like, you know, he took everything. Like, first of all, like overacting was good acting with him.
it's about him. You know, like I love that shit.

Actors were colors on his palate.

And unlike Wes Anderson and some shade where they appear like props and mannequins, he let them live inside of his world.

He just taught him the rules.

Yeah.

And that's what he would do. Like if you ever listen to him direct, I love listening to David Lynch give people directions.
Yeah, yeah. It's all just being like, you're going to want some wind in here.
Put some wind in it. I love shit like that because he also trusted actors, unlike Wes Anderson.
He actually trusted actors because they would do a lot of stuff. I love Wes Anderson.
I just think that Wes Anderson, it's like, just use dolls. That was a parody of himself.
Yeah, if you're going to have people do it this way, just use fucking, it should all just be animated. Because you obviously don't care about a humanity, you don't care about an actor living in there.
His animated films are great. They are.
I actually think now they're better than his live action movies. Wow.
Because they just, they don't have anything. They don't have any heart, even a soul.
It's just like a pretty thing. It's just pretty.
And it's like, well, I do believe that has its place. It's not really for me.
I like David Lynch because he's trying to lose me. Yeah.
He doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't care.
He's like, you catch up to me. I watched Lost Highway this week.
And I've been going through Twin Peaks, which is an odd timing to be doing that but um i watched lost highway in honor of uh lynch and man it it doesn't make any sense no i love it it fucking slaps dude fucking it's the best i think mulholland drive i think blue velvet is his capital b best movie mulholland drive is his actual best movie yeah lawson i would probably put lost highway right underneath that. Obviously, Twin Peaks The Return is his ultimate piece of art.
Yeah, that's your favorite. That's why I'm re-watching it because I need to get to that.
The thing is that I also feel like Twin Peaks The Return, you don't really get anything out of it unless you've watched every single piece that he's ever made because it's all in there. You've seen Rabbits? I don't even know.
I mean, I love Rabbits. You know, the Rabbits do.
No, you should look up his Rabbits thing is fucking really fucking weird. Is it a movie? I never even heard of it.
It's a long piece. Oh, okay.
It is a 42-minute piece. Okay.
That he made featuring these Rabbits living in this weird liminal state. Oh, okay.
And things coming at. It's awesome.
Oh, I'll totally watch this. Dude, no, you got to see rabbits because you see some stuff in rabbits that actually shows up in Twin Peaks to Return.
Interesting. Same thing with...
It's puppets. Fire Walk With Me has stuff from Twin Peaks to Return.
There's also stuff from... There's little bits and pieces.
Well, Fire Walk With Me is Twin Peaks. Yes, but Fire Walk With Me is crucial to watch Twin Peaks to Return.
Yeah, I was waiting until I finished the second season before I did Fire Walk With Me. That seemed like the right move.
Yes, watch it all together. Obviously, Twin Peaks dips in the middle of season two, but that's more a Mark Frost problem than a David Lynch problem.
Well, yeah, exactly. That was the producers who made him solve the murder.
Because they said they wanted him to be something that he wasn't. And then what he did with Twin Peaks The Return was lovingly tell us all to go fuck ourselves.
Because why do you expect something out of me? Yeah. Like, you should be here, man.
Just come fucking watch this thing. Like, Twin Peaks The Return was so exciting because of it.
You know what I was enjoying this week was his music. Dude, he's wild.
He's weird. I was listening to his music a lot while I worked this week, and it really kind of like put me in such a fun, weird state.
He'd also make his own props. Yeah.
A lot of stuff. There's pieces in all of the movies.
I don't know if you've seen it. There's some background footage from Twin Peaks The Return of him making some stuff randomly.
So he'll just- Isn't there like a seven-hour doc from that? Yes. It's on the DVD collection.
Oh, cool. Which is great.
Also, get his stuff on DVD because the transfers are... Except the Criterion collection.
The Criterion app is fantastic. Yeah, go live on that.
I live on that shit. He did all of this stuff.
He makes a bunch of his own weird-ass props. He just likes doing everything.
He's just... He's just was a...
He was pure creativity and the world is less than he has gone from it. And so the goal, I think, is for somebody out there, some young person out there, to become next him in a way that challenges people.
I feel like anyone could. You're not even allowed to anymore.
No one's going to give you any money. You have to have the fucking prestige behind you in order to get that shit.

I think it's time for this shit to fucking stop. The chicken dinner scene in Eraserhead is one of my favorite moments in film.
I just think it is. We've got to start making it right.
But guys, I think the one motif we're going to see over the next four years is that we are on our own. I don't think a part of that

You gotta make

Stuff that you wanna see

In the world. If we want to wrestle the attention span away from these giant tentpole pieces of shit, things that are going on because they don't care.
It's all just Chinese propaganda. All right.
So at some point we need to take the reins back. We have to take them back.
They're doing it in Hollywood. They're doing it in horror.
Yes. With independent horror.
Very much so. Well, horror always follows.
Yes. You know, like how it always follows the world.
You know, like how the purge started during the last election, you know, and stuff like that. You know, or two elections ago.
You know, it's all like it all mirrors society at all times. But if you don't bank on yourself, there is no one.
No one will. No one's coming.
There's no cavalry. It's you.
It's up to you. Also, if you make something and it's not successful, oh well, make something else.
Just keep moving. There's an axiom we're trying to do at LPNn we're taking it's called fail faster yeah fail faster move it forward faster get it out because yeah there's like everybody's got attention to being problems but honestly i think it's just because they want good food yeah and if they not getting it they're just slurping it down that's why everything's called binging all and all this fucking horse shit.
It's that it's slurping down slop. And it's like, no, David Lynch made food.
There's reports where Netflix is making television so you can be able to look at your phone while you're watching it so you won't miss anything. That's just depressing.
Oh, yeah. That is super depressing.
Now, we're talking about David Lynch. You know, I just wanted to give real quick shout out.
Garth Hudson also passed away. I know.
We love the band. I love the band.
If you ask me who my favorite band is, I usually say the band. Garth Hudson's the last surviving member.
The oldest, crankiest one was the one that outlived everybody, which is crazy. He was the name.
Yeah. If you ever watched The Last Waltz or anything like that, he's the long-haired, bearded, crazy looking scientist dude who's playing like five keyboards at once.
Yeah, he does Chest Fever, one of my favorite songs. Oh my god.
He's so fucking good. Garth Hudson, he was amazing.
I love him with all my heart. In the band, when they asked him to join the band, he didn't join the band because he couldn't explain to his parents that he was joining a rock band.
So he charged them all, everyone in the band, $10 a week to pay him for music lessons. So he told his family that he was a music teacher and not a rock and roll star.
That's fucking hilarious. He was that kind of guy and he was a very insular, very private man.
You were amazing, Garth Hudson. Thank you for everything.
Seriously. Let's do a couple stories before we do the fucking...
I got one more thing. We got a new show, new side stories announced.
Oh yeah, we're in Huntsville. Huntsville on March 16th.
It's a Sunday. We're going to be in Huntsville, Alabama, right? That's two days after our Nashville show at the Ryman.
So make sure that which is going to be on the 14th of March. But yeah, we're going to be in Huntsville, Alabama at the VBC Mars Music Hall.
And I want to say right now,

NASA fucking come for it,

bro.

You want some?

Oh,

you're going to fucking,

you're coming to your town,

bro.

You got no excuse.

I want you in front of me,

NASA.

You come for fucking my boy.

I'm going to ask you questions about the fucking moon.

You're going to turn you into fucking Lindsay Shookus,

bro.

You ain't shit,

man.

Unbelievable. Honestly, NASA, please come.
We'll put you on the list yeah yeah if you want to come we'll make three pick up a pack today angel soft It's not by angels. Soft and strong, budget friendly.
The choice is simple. Pick up a pack today.
Angel Soft. Soft and strong, simple.
All right, here we go. In much lighter news, family annihilations.
Oh, really? What's going on? I feel like every week, family annihilators have turned into the new dog fucker. I know we also have a dog fucker this week, but we're not going to talk about it.
But just know he's a man from Ware, and they call him a were-man, and he's trying to be a werewolf. That's my only joke.
Disgusting. And I'm staying away from it.
But there is a dog fucker. We're not talking about it.
Because we have to talk about this. Another family annihilator.
So the only reason I'm even bringing this up was because I read about the statistics. It's a kid again.
Yes, Clifford Hunt, junior, 19. He shot his father, Clifford, mother, Michelle, and his 16-year-old brother all in the head.
And the little brother was the one who called 911 that it was happening. And then he killed himself.
But one thing that blew my mind. Do you know that every five days a relative kills a relative in the United States of America? That's pretty, that's actually, you know, how much everyone hates their family.
I don't think that's that bad. Every five days.
Now, does this count for 20 days? Because four people were killed. I think that's a part of, no, it just kind of throws off the average.
Okay, all right. This probably bumps it up to four.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it's one of those where it bumps it up.
Now, what I do found interesting, what I think was, I was like, this was right outside of Pittsburgh, and I was just in Pittsburgh, which was cold as balls. Also, shout out to the chefs over at Rivers Casino.
Straight up had one of the most delectable short rib wedding meals I I've ever had But I'll tell you what Skip the wheelhouse If you're at Rivers Casino Don't eat at the wheelhouse I saw a mouse and it was Not cooking It was but it was in the kitchen Well you know what they say about Eating at casinos The mouse? The mouse always wins. Funny.
Funny stuff. I thought you were going to say, oh, it's a gamble.
Oh, yeah. Now, what's, um...
Sorry. I didn't make Saturday Night Live.
No, you didn't. No.
Well, you did now. Well, sort of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still only the peacock fucking documentary.
The fucking balls. Please.
Now, then I looked up, right, because I wanted to see how far it was from Pittsburgh,

but one of the chefs over there did a great job.

I mentioned it while we,

one of Natalie's first students in her dance classes,

she taught this little girl dance.

Now she's a full-grown adult,

and we want her to get married.

It was very, very sweet.

Wow.

But thank you, buddy.

Does she still dance?

Yes, professionally.

How was the first dance?

Electrifying? They did a very, it was choreographed. It was lovely.
It was a lovely time. Yeah.
It was nice. Now, I looked up where this family annihilation happened, though.
And it was at North Seward Township, Pennsylvania. Now, I thought these were outside of Pittsburgh.
But then I clicked on it. When I loved it, when I Google searched it just to see, this is the first thing that popped up.
This is the only picture of North Seward Township that ever showed up. This guy.
Oh, yeah. This is the only picture on the Google Maps account.
It's a man. Sitting against a rock with a bandana.
The most pencil-tucky man you could possibly see. It's just a man with cargo shorts.
Oh, God. Just wearing shorts to the inauguration in a hoodie.
Hashtag fucking mood, whatever. He did great.
He did great. These fucking pieces of shit.
He shouldn't have shown up if he fucking wanted my respect. He wouldn't have meant.
But look, it's just so funny. I just looked it up because I thought it was hilarious.
That's the only picture? That is the only picture from North Swickly Township. He's got there, yeah, he's got a weird, that's a big old bandana he's got.
And you know what he's enjoying? A cigarette? Just like a good old, looks like sitting there doing nothing, putting the board in board shorts. I'll tell you what, you know who loves cigarettes? Pittsburgh.
Oh my God. They are smoking.
Oh yeah, yeah. We love the answers.
I love Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, you know Pittsburgh, you know, I've only hung out there once, and I went in thinking, okay, this is going to be one of the worst cities I ever go to.

It's not.

And I really liked it.

No, it's beautiful.

I really enjoyed it.

There's a heart in Pittsburgh.

It's beautiful.

I love that place.

Unfortunately, that heart is covered in French fries.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's slammed with Permanee Brothers.

I love my Permanee Brothers.

You know, they opened one in Florida.

Don't eat there.

I mean, I'm going to go.

Don't eat the Florida Permanee Brothers.

I mean, if I'm in Florida, there's not like this.

Thank you. Permani Brothers.
I love my Permani Brothers. They opened one in Florida.
Don't eat there. I mean, I'm going to go.
Don't eat the Florida Permani Brothers. If I'm in Florida, there's not like this.
That fucking sucks. It's always supposed to be in Pittsburgh.
I'm sure it's delicious. We'll see.
We'll fucking see. Oh, and this is the only main thing I really wanted to look at.
Are you done with the family annihilation? I'm done with the family annihilation. That's all I have.
That's all we have. So we don't really know everybody's dead.
Yeah, the family's gone. Yeah, I just really wanted to talk about that shocking statistic, which is ridiculous.
But I wanted to talk about this. Now, you guys know a little of my UFO footage? Oh, you love this.
Now, I'm only showing this footage to you, Eddie, because I'm finally starting to see, like, this one was the first one I saw where it's like, I think that this one is stupid. Now, this was a big deal.
Now, News Nation, which is, you know, it works out of Australia. One of their main correspondents is a man by the name of Ross Colhart.
Yeah. Ross Colhart used to be on 60 Minutes Australia.
He was a big deal. Like, he's a real investigative journalist.
And he was a part of the guy, he was the first that did the big expose with David Grush. Like, he's now...
So you love this guy. I love this guy.
This is also a guy who's totally legit, just like George Knapp, who was driven utterly insane by the material and is now stuck in this, right? Yeah. And he says that he received video.
Now, part of what we've been talking about over the last couple months is about what was called Immaculate Constellation, which is a program inside of the Pentagon that was going out. It's pre-drowned.
This is pre-drowned. There was a UAP retrieval program that was a top secret program that would send people out to supposed crashes.
And it's why the United States of America might have 12 UFOs. That we've scooped them up from various parts of the world.
We probably got more than that. When's that number 12 from? That's like years ago, right? Well, we don't know.
We actually really don't know. We don't know if that's old info compared to the new info.
How long have you known the number 12? David Grush, because that's when he started talking about this last year. Okay, okay.
It was David Grush. Now, what Ross Colhart, who has been sort of the tip of the spear of this whole story, he finally received some of this footage.
One of the big issues, right? You remember when the big UFO conference, they did it in front of Congress? Yeah, we talked to Nap all about it. They said on that one was that we have terabytes of 4K UFO footage that would blow your mind.
That's all they said. Did they show one? No.
They show even a clip of it? No. But this is the stuff that I guess they have decided to leak to Ross Colhart.
Now they have

sent what he says

is a man has sent him information, a man

that has said under the duress of his

life, he thinks

he will be murdered. Okay.

If he find out where the source

of this leak came from.

And what we have here is some of the most definitive

footage of a UAP being airlifted by a helicopter. Okay.
News Nation has independently obtained previously unseen video obtained from a secret UAP craft retrieval program. This extraordinary footage clearly shows an egg-shaped object dangling in a sling below the belly of a helicopter.
Now, here we can shut the sound off here. Now, the problem is, is that it says here you can see clearly an egg-shaped object that is 25 feet long in a hammock being suspended by a helicopter.
Yeah, it's rolling around. Unfortunately, when I look at this footage, it is extremely difficult for me to not say that is an egg on a stick.
Yeah. That is the problem.
The problem is, the shadow's big. Not necessarily because this could all be shot in miniature.
It's true. It looks like the end of a stick with a piece of string.

It does. With a napkin wrapped around an egg.

And that's my problem

is that, yes, because now you're going to hear

because Ross Colhart begins to describe the egg.

He's like, as you can see, it's

completely round. No doors.

Shipe like an egg.

And you're like, it does.

It's a U-egg pee.

Honestly, I want that in a brunch venue.

It's just, I never doubt.

And this is the first one I saw where it's like, so is the disinformation now?

Is this when the disinformation...

So it's saying here that it's...

It's going to turn out being the only one that's real. Yeah, I know.
I bet. It must...
I hope so. I pray.
I pray. If you look at it, it's just...
It's so hard because everybody's just ragging on this in the comments. Yeah.
The comments, it's just people are destroying News Nation over this. And I guess that's what's hard is that...
It's like, Ross, it's not helping us. Yeah, that is is like ross it's not helping us yeah this shit's not helping us buddy okay yeah wait for a better video this is not if he could have just just a second if he could have just separated himself from the excitement for a second just to be like now how is this not an egg you know really if he could have just said that, being like, because he keeps saying egg-shaped craft.

How does he not know?

How does he know that that's not an egg?

Well, he had better footage, but someone poached it from him.

That doesn't make...

I hate you.

You're why I didn't get Saturday Night Live.

My connection to you is why. But it does make me sad.
Because I wanted this to be better. The yoke's on him.
The yoke's on all of us. He may have cracked the case.
I don't know. Shut up, Rob.
Shut up. I was held back.
Shut up. No, no, no, you're right.
But no, this just makes me sad because it's like, I just feel like he should have, if he was going to literally blow his wand, it should not have been on this egg. Right? He does look like a pile of egg whites himself.
He's Australian. He's just an older Australian man.
And he just seems... But he's a very important journalist.
Yeah. Well, what comes first, the baby or the egg? Because I got a story here.
I think that technically the baby eventually turns into the person that comes into the egg. Well, in San Antonio, a man who was formerly an egg is now charged in a road rage shooting earlier this week, is also accused of trying to purchase a nine-month-old baby to harvest their organs, according to San Antonio police.
What was the problem? Did his car not go through? Is that what it was? And they cut him off? I got this off of FARC. Jose Israel Teran Jr., 21, is charged with the prohibition of the purchase and sale of human organs in addition to one count of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon from Monday's shooting.
Police said that on December 30th, 2024, Teran was mistakenly added to a group text message of family members discussing the details of a nine-month-old baptism. So, all right, so he did not know the family.
No, he did not know the family. There was a group text.
They accidentally add this demon to it. How did he? How? How? Oh, because he has the uncle had a phone number, and he changed his cell phone number, and then this guy randomly got the phone number.
And the uncle's number wasn't taken out of the other person's phone, so he was added to the, and he said, and then he responded when they were talking about the baptism. He was not a part of the family.
He responded, he's like, that's a nice Caucasian baby. How much you want? And they said, wrong number, you know, and then they tried to block him sir no thank you sir thank you for the offer sir don't thank you so one of the family members blocked him but then he was texting everyone else still because they didn't know how to block him and then he said are you interested in selling i'm willing to start a bid at 500 Now, we find out which family members deleted the number or later on were like, 600K.
Teron said he was willing to meet the same night to complete the purchase. No, absolutely.
I need that baby now, buddy. I need a tiny lever.
I need little lungs. I need something to hang for my rearview mirror.
He also threatened that he knew the address of the church where the baptism was scheduled. Whoa.
And he also knew their home address because it was sent earlier in the group thread. I mean, that's their mistake.
Yeah. That really is.
Oh, here. I like this.
Here. I'm going to take this.
Okay. This is the first text.
Good morning and happy early New Year. I am attaching an invitation to blank baptism.
No pressure to attend. I just wanted to invite everyone.
The baptism will be at blah, blah, blah. We will attend at the noon, 12 noon mass.
Then the baptism starts at 1.30. We'll have a light lunch and refreshments to follow at our house afterwards.
Hope you can make it. And then he said, that's a nice Caucasian baby.
How much you want. That's not a bad question.
You know what, though? I will say. It's clearly a joke.
It's clearly a joke. That's a nice Caucasian baby.
How much you want for it? You texted the wrong person. Oh, yeah, that's what I would do.
That is definitely a text I would have sent. Like, if I was drunk and I received this, it's been like, yeah, I'll come down in there with my Slap Chop.
Are you not interested in selling? I'm willing to start the bid at 500K. Oh, that's funny.
Oh, you didn't attempt to buy the kid. I know.
That's not real. But the thing is, he sent it and they took it seriously.
That's dumb. That's a joke.
It is a joke, but he also did shoot somebody days after. I feel like that's the crime here.
I really think that's the issue, is the shooting the car. He shot into someone's car, the bullet went through the door and into the person's leg.
Yeah, I think that's the issue here. I think this is kind of fun.
In terms of, like, you know, he's just having fun. He's 21.
Bring some kind of levity around. Everybody's so serious.
He got hit by a semi-truck, and then he shot into a semi-truck. I think he's been, I think he was upset.
It's Texas. Texas, they're all.
Can't wait to go to Dallas. Oh, yeah.
Oh, if you bring any newborns and just listen to any newborns you want to bring them by, $500,000 for just their organs. No.
We can put it all together. We're not.
I don't have that. We all can put it together.
I was going to mortgage my house. Oh, okay.
And then what we'll do is we'll buy two. Two babies.
We'll get two babies and then what we'll do is... Well, Texas have so many extra babies because they can't kill them anymore.
Because the thing is, yeah, and I think the thing is I think this way, we can get two for five. Absolutely.
I think that'll be easy. Yeah, because we all know that after they're born, they're worthless.
Yes, especially in Texas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just ask the police officers in Uvalde, who didn't do much. Sorry.
Sorry, not sorry. It's literally exactly what happened.
It also comes to our Dallas show. We will see you there.

Yeah, February 22nd.

Grand Prairie.

Whoa, I love Dallas.

I can't wait.

Here we go.

We got some listener emails.

Listener emails.

Let's hear them.

Last time I asked about what could possibly be a pig's motivation to kill a woman.

Okay.

And besides just- Was she running? Besides hate. Resisting arrest kill a woman.
Okay. And besides just-

Was she running?

Besides hate.

Resisting arrest.

Incel.

Oh.

In pig.

Now, this is a, there's a love.

It is unanimous.

The listeners love Baldur's Gate and want to know who Henry kissed, first of all.

It's Shadowheart.

It's a goth, obviously.

It's not unanimous.

Marcus also asked me to tell you that he had sex with Lel. Lazel? She's an alien.
Yeah. She's like a githyanki.
You don't know what that is. Yeah.
All I know is two kiwis make an apple. In what? My fruit game.
Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.
That's what I play. I play the fruit game.
Yeah. Well, you go kiss some fruit, I guess.
I will. Go kiss some fruit.
I'll be plum happy about it.

I hope you are.

Yeah.

Go fucking suck on some berries.

Yeah, I do every morning.

I know you do.

I do now, too.

I have berries every morning.

It's really good.

I modeled your fight to be healthy.

I just eat what your doctor told you to eat.

Yeah, I'm dying.

Yep.

But slowly, slowly, slowly.

So here, I ask, all right, so about the pig attack. While reading what I saw printed about the, this is the one.
I found this interesting. If the pigs were kept as pets by the neighbor, your producer that chimed in was likely correct.
The pigs had associated people with giving them food. And when the woman did not give them something, they got pissed off and attacked her.
Always feed a pig. Always feed a pig, especially if it's wearing a last podcast on the left hat.
Got you, Eddie. I'll leave it myself.
But honestly, we want you to wear that. Now, if the pigs were from a commercial farm, it is likely they escaped during a ractactopamine feeding cycle.
Ractopamine. I don't know what that means.
You keep saying that word over and over again like I'm going to know. It's a feed additive that is used because it promotes muscle mass growth over the production of subcutaneous fat in pigs without reducing the intramuscular fat.
So these pigs were on creatine? Yeah. They were getting marbling.
Basically functions for pigs like anabolic steroids do for human bodybuilders and just like steroids do for people, there are significant psychological effects. Interesting.
Pig farmers, I know, basically consider it a suicidal act to enter a pen with pigs while they are being fed rictactoprene. So long way of explaining it.
It's possible the cause was roid rage piggies. Wow.
That's fucking kind of dystopian. I'd love to see a jacked pig.
I mean, we do. Yeah.
Who? I mean, technically, that's what we eat. Jacked pigs? When we eat pork, it's a lot of it.
You think so? Unless you're eating, like, good pork meat. I have started eating better pork meat.
That's what I try to. I've been trying to get off some of the red meat.
It's hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if you spend more money on it, it's easier to get off of it because it becomes a sometimes treat. It does.
And then it's better when you actually have it. Well, my thing is, I like making steak for myself, but honestly, I'd rather have somebody else make it at this point.
Where if I'm going to eat it, I want a professional to make it. Yeah.
If you're going to cook meat, it's usually just a bunch of lamb. I make a lot of lamb.
No baby sheep is safe close to the Zabrowsky house. I'd fucking suck one's blood if I could.
I love lamb so much. You could.
I do. I love lamb.
I like chicken thighs. I love chicken thighs.
I had some for lunch. That's my favorite.
It's my favorite style of meat. It's chicken thighs? Chicken thighs.
Oh, yeah. Hawaiian chicken thighs.
Salmon's so good. I like salmon.
Salmon. Fish.
Man, this is literally everything I've eaten in the last couple days. At once? Except for tofu.
It's good for us. Also, I've read, I don't know if this might be an RFK Jr.
thing, but I think, I've heard that tofu, if you eat it, soy products, actually helps you not get, you know that weed disease that makes you throw up when you smoke it? Oh, tofu makes me get higher? That's all you gotta tell me. All I know is that soy products will help you from getting that reaction to weed.
This is what you're talking about. Yes, cannabinoid hyperemia syndrome, the thing where people start vomiting when they smoke weed.
Sometimes I'll start sneezing if I smoke too much weed. That's different.
That's happened to me sometimes. Smoke gets sinister.
But that made me worried. I was like, I better not becoming allergic to weed.
But if I can just start, now I have a reason to eat tofu. Do.
If I get higher, well, I don't get higher. It just stops me from getting the cannabinoid hypernesis syndrome.
You got close on that one. Yeah.
But I'll do it, yeah. I mean, I feel like I would have gotten it by now.
What do you mean no tofu? I don't know. It's a no.
It's Google. Google says no, but who knows? Google apps.
Yeah, Google doesn't really know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it might be. Actually, I might have just...
I probably just overheard that at a bus stop. Okay, well, now I'm not eating tofu again.
I mean, tofu's good. No, not apparently.
It's not good enough to stop the weed disease. Why don't you live every day to figure out a way to make tofu in a way you like it? And then you can eat tofu, and you can love it.
And then when you're loving the tofu, you can

laugh your way to the bank because what you're doing

is saving yourself some issues

because you found a good meat alternative that

doesn't raise your cholesterol. You know what I like about

tofu is you're supposed to beat it.

Yeah. You gotta kick the

shit out of it. No, you're talking about mochis.

No. Yeah.
Tofu, you

pulverize it. No, you don't.
Absolutely not.

My cousin Robin pulverizes her tofu. And it was delicious.
That's disgusting you're watching your cousin pulverize her tofu. Yeah.
Tofu, you pulverize it. Absolutely not.
My cousin Robin pulverizes her tofu. And it was delicious.
That's disgusting you're watching your cousin pulverize her tofu. Yeah.
She's like, Eddie, come here. I got to show you something.
That's incest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do you pulverize tofu? How do I give tofu more favors? You have to marinate it. You have to marinate it.
And also, you know what's also really good? Unfortunately. What? What I like to do is I like to cut up my tofu into little cubes.
I give it a little sprinkle of cornstarch. Right? I put butter and a little oil in the pan.
And then what I like to do is cook it on that with a little salt and a little pepper. You put butter in there? Yes.
And then also what I do is shave a fucking, I put lime zest. Lime zest? Yes.
Ugh. You're wrong.
Ugh. I'm telling you, it's good.
I don't like the lemon zest, the lime zest. It's extremely good.
It's lemon zest and lime zest. You just don't know.
It's very good. It adds that citrus kick without adding water so it doesn't dilute what you're making.
I like lemon on seafood, and that's the only time I want lemons involved in my life. You'd be surprised.
Lemons. Stay away even harder, limes.
I figured out with lemon. I figured a lot of things with lemon.
Limes attack us. Do you know about that? If you cut your hand and lime juice goes into that cut and then that cut sees the sun, you're fucked.
What? It happened to my boy. Yeah.
Is this like my, are we both talking to RFK Jr., but he's pretending to be like a sexy lady on the internet? We, we were cutting up limes with keys on the beach for our Coronas. That's disgusting.
That's disgusting. And then his key went through the lime, and it stuck in there.
But then his whole arm— Which can manifest an open wound if exposed to sunlight after coming in contact with the lime juice. A margarita burn.
Yeah, and his entire arm was turned different colors. I think he was actually working with you at the time at Borders.
And then they made him move out of the cafe into the normal part because they're like, you can't give people coffee with that arm. Yeah, yeah, you look disgusting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, wow.
Valenski. Wow, I forgot Valenski worked with me at Borders.
Yeah. Wow.
What a small fucking, I don't remember anything. No.
I remember everything. Except for what I'm supposed to remember.
Hey, if you can't remember it, it can't bother you. And that's what's the most beautiful thing about dementia.
Who are you? I couldn't care less who I am. It's been quite an episode of Side Stories, Eddie.
And I want to thank you for being my partner. An ass.
And titties. Patreon.com slash slash podcast and left.
Give us money to watch us perform. We're on there and get ad-free episodes.
Pretty good. On social media, at LP on the left.
Thank you, President Trump, for bringing back our Chinese propaganda machine. Oh, thank you for bringing back TikTok.
Thank you for taking it away and giving it back. Thank you.
Being the pimp that beats us and tells us how nice the bath is. And nothing I love better than that app that makes every person in my life scared for no reason.

Thank you, TikTok.

Totally worth the advertising opportunities.

Go and check it out out there.

And go to twitch.tv slash LPNTV, where we will still be doing a lot of commentary about whatever we want for the rest of our fucking lives.

The Hoop-a-Go-Go game, HGX2, tomorrow night, January 23rd, 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 p.m.
Eastern. We got a great judge.
Jared Logan's coming. Oh, he's going to be great.
He's going to be eviscerating. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't wait. I'm very excited.
And we got Ariel from Fraudsters coming by. Oh, she's wonderful.
And then we got Tootsies making her first appearance. Aw, that's sweet.
Yeah, yeah. So check it out if you want to watch Tootsies.
She's our Helen Mirren. And then go to lastpodcastontheleft.com to check out all of our live dates because we're really good at it.
And we're going to see you out there. Dallas on February 22nd.
Nashville on March 14th. And March 16th we're going to be in Huntsville doing the side stories.
And then April 18th, we're going to be in Detroit. And on May 3rd, we will be in Toronto.
And then, of course, June is our rescheduled Atlanta shows. Cannot fucking wait.
You've got to get me to Atlanta. This keeps stopping.
You're going to like it so much better this way. I'm going to like it more in the summer.
I know I am. It is hot.
I know it's hot. I lived in Tallahassee.
It's not hotter than Tallahassee. But we're going to stay in a hotel with a pool.
Oh, we're going to stay in a hotel with a pool. There's going to be fucking people out in their bathing suits.
I know everyone in Atlanta is super hot. Yeah, it's a very attractive town.
It literally is a... I do think that it is an extremely attractive town.
The one time I went there, I was like, everyone here is hot.

Yeah, like the Publix.

People who work at Publix are kind of hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, yes, we think of Publix.

Yep.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I'll take you to my Publix in Atlanta.

You own a Publix?

No.

But there's one I claim.

So often I've been there.

All right.

All right, hail sweet Satan, everyone.

And hail David Lynch. Lindsay Tookus.
Oh, that's nice. Oh, you made fun of her name.
Oh, no. Shookus.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make fun of her name.
She's honestly, thank you. Lindsay Shookus.
No, honestly, you gave Henry some press and he's going to get some more acting jobs out of this. Honestly, you really did.
I can't buy that. Yeah.
So thank you. It really meant a lot to me to honestly, now that I've processed it and talked with my family and all this kind of shit, it was like it is wild that I got to be a part of the 50th anniversary, whether I liked it or not.
And it's amazing. You were at the Academy Museum when I went to the Academy Museum.
There was an exhibit on Scorsese's editor, and then you popped up, of course.

Don't be surprised how many places I've snuck my way into without getting permission.

Yeah.

And, Lindsay, I'm sorry I said all those horrible things about your appearance, but in my defense, I was just trying to hurt your feelings.

Absolutely.

She's a beautiful lady.

She does her job.

And then, honestly, thank you, guys.

And thank you to everybody who's awesome.

All right, you fuckers?

Bye! Goodbye. so thank you guys and thank you to everybody who's awesome alright you fuckers bye goodbye