Chapter 40: Romney for America

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Hi, kids.

It's me again.

Hello.

It is about four in the morning when I'm recording this and I'm putting the final touches on this episode.

And so you've heard this preamble before, so I'll just cut cut to the chase.

So the mini-series is getting two additional episodes, as I said

before.

And

the news is that

after much consideration, yes, the main show is also going to get two additional episodes.

So the final

episode of season four of Midnight Burger is going to be chapter 44.

Now, I've talked about this before, so I won't belabor the point, but suffice to say, when I start each season, I have kind of a grocery list of things that I want to do.

And

sometimes 10 episodes, the sort of default minimum of 10 episodes, is just not enough.

And so I end up having to expand it.

A season is not a suitcase.

It is more like an expanding accordion file or, you know, a bag of holding, however you like to see things.

And so this particular season needs to expand a little bit because I still have things on my grocery list.

So, once again, final episode of season four will be chapter 44.

And so, now, please enjoy chapter 40.

Previously, on Midnight Burger, Ava was interrogated by the mystery men, and it went a little something like this.

I just can't take you seriously with those voices anymore.

Are you guys fucking stupid?

Could I get a magazine or something?

Trying a little Socratic Jiu-Jitsu.

Have you been taking classes?

I can already tell that yours is a gel-using society.

You listen to me, you grubby little shitbird.

Can't call me something else.

Just watch me.

Rebecca, that

is the stupidest bullshit I have ever heard in my life.

I think I can speak for all of us when I say ouch.

Meanwhile, the Muckle Wanes were unleashed and it went a little something like this.

This is the promenade.

We're promenade around.

Bow and swing, y'all.

Bow and swing.

We are locked out.

We are being bombarded with billions of calculations per microsecond.

How is that possible?

I don't know.

What is the source?

I can't determine the source.

The system is overburdened.

Our system is infallible.

Infallible.

Well,

if that doesn't sound like a rationalization, I don't know what does.

Hello there, ladies.

If you don't mind me saying, y'all have set yourselves down in quite a sizable cow paddy now, having.

I think I speak for all of us when I say y'all?

Meanwhile, in some other galaxy.

oh my god

They gave us a fucking jump start

the reception sucks out here

David David what the fuck did you do?

That's right the diner has been freed of Pasadena with David on board They've been grounded for a while now which means there's all kinds of work to do

Oh Jesus who is this now send out one final command

and then delete yourselves permanently.

Very well.

What is the command?

Kill them.

You know,

they're just trying to serve food.

That's all they're trying to do.

And then this guy comes along and

let's start the shift.

Here's your cappuccino.

Thanks.

I could have come up there.

Oh, it's no problem.

Do you want to hear something funny?

Sure.

We get secret shoppers coming in here from corporate sometimes.

They will literally order a cappuccino, then go out to a van where they have equipment that can weigh the amount of foam we've put on the cappuccinos.

You're kidding.

No, it's so ridiculous.

I love your phone screen.

Thanks.

What is that?

It's mine.

It's a piece I did.

You're a street artist?

I am.

That's so cool.

I love it.

Thanks.

Wow, what phone is that?

Is that the new one?

It is.

Can you believe this?

Look at my phone.

My screen is so fucked.

A cracked screen is a sign of a busy life.

Tell me about it.

I just got it last year, and already this happened.

Last year?

Yeah, ridiculous.

Are you new to the area?

I haven't seen you in here before.

We have a lot of regulars.

Yeah, I

just got here.

Welcome.

Thanks.

Hey, have you heard of Nikki Minaj?

Have I heard of her?

My friends are going to her show tonight, and we have an extra ticket.

Might be a good way to get to know people if you're new in town.

Uh, sure.

Why not?

Cool.

Give me your phone.

I'll put in my number.

Okay.

Wow, this phone is so cool.

Um,

there you go.

Fiona.

Got it.

I'm working until six, and then my friends are picking me up here.

Sounds like fun.

Great.

Anyway, like I said, I'm Fiona.

Uh, Dustin?

Dustin Watson.

Nice to meet you, Dustin Watson.

Same here.

Guys,

round of applause for David's first on-the-fly alias.

Let's hear it.

Very funny.

Good job, David.

She really bought it.

She did.

Such a tragedy, though.

What's that?

Well, if this were a normal situation, she would stalk me on Instagram, being very careful not to like anything, and then she would finally see my pictures from LA Pride 2018, and her little heart would be crushed.

Thanks for describing my late 20s to me, David.

But this is, of course, not a normal situation.

It's not.

Tell me, how far are we from Earth right now?

Lave?

About 820,000 light years as the crow flies, David.

Uh-huh.

Y'all, I'm at a Starbucks.

Yeah,

it's pretty weird, David.

You haven't seen something like this before?

We've been to a bunch of different versions of Earth, but they're always where Earth is supposed to be.

This place looks like Earth, but like Leif said, it's in the wrong place.

We're trying to figure it out.

David,

remember we were talking about Cryptesia?

That's where the sisters went.

Yes, that's where the diner took us.

We didn't travel through dimensions.

We didn't travel through time.

We just traveled spatially.

And somehow, here in Cryptesia is a duplicate Earth.

Huh.

Can Can I say I'm disappointed?

I was expecting octopus creatures on Glorbnar 7 or something.

We didn't know what to expect, but we didn't expect this.

Well, if it is another Earth, it's from a few years ago.

What do you mean?

Her phone was an older phone, but she said she got it last year.

That was like an iPhone 5.

It still had a button on it.

Also, she asked me if I had heard of Nicki Minaj, like her first album album had just dropped.

Interesting.

Good catch, David.

One moment.

Oh my.

What?

The audacity.

What's happening?

A man in this Starbucks has just airdropped a shirtless pick to me.

Whoa.

Not sure how I should respond to that in this situation.

I mean, how does he look?

No hookups on the hostile alien planet, please.

Casper, come on.

That's where the best hookups are.

David, you're doing a great job, but I don't think we need you to go that undercover.

I think it's important to acknowledge that I have had two people hit on me already at the Starbucks, so I may be far from home, but I'm thriving.

Acknowledged.

Okay, can we get him back here, please?

We're really pushing it.

Yeah, David, you can come on back.

Hang on.

What?

I saw something.

Hang on.

Where are you going, David?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm walking down the street.

Walking down the street towards us, I hope.

This place is trying to convince us that it's Earth, right?

I don't know if it's trying to convince us of anything, but they've got Nicki Minaj.

That's a pretty deep detail.

If it's trying to be Earth, then why am I following a woman down the street with green skin right now?

Whoa, green skin?

Okay,

David, look around.

Is there anyone else who has alien vibes?

No, it's Earthlings, wall to wall.

Is anyone else seeing her?

No, it's like she perfectly blends in.

Weird.

Okay, stay on her, David.

Gloria.

Casper, we talked about this.

These guys may know who we are, so we sent David to look around.

It's the best choice.

It's the best choice.

David, can you give me anything other than green?

I can't see her that well.

Don't make contact.

Hang back.

Hang way back, please.

Can we get him some chamomile tea?

Yes.

Casper, can you chill out, please?

That's easy for you to say.

My son just volunteered for a life of danger.

This fool thought he he could show me a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner and I would just go back to work on Monday.

Well, depends on your rating system.

Hang on, she stopped.

What's she doing?

She's looking around.

She looks

looks like what?

You know that look people have right before they do something crazy?

I know that look.

She just went into a convenience store.

Should I follow her?

No, I wouldn't.

David, you might lose her in there.

Okay.

I think I saw yellow stripes.

Green with yellow stripes.

Lamoni here?

We're just as far from there as we are from Earth.

She's already out.

She's got a gallon of water in her hands.

Weird.

And she's pouring it all over herself.

Is anyone noticing her yet?

Kind of, but they're just walking past her like she's some weird lady on the street.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Uh-oh, cops.

Shit.

Cop car is rolling by slowly.

Oh, Lord, she has picked up a trash can.

And she threw it.

She's getting arrested.

This is a lie.

They're lying to you.

Not sure what she was trying to accomplish, but respect.

I know that voice.

You do?

She's green?

Yeah.

Uh, Malu.

Her name's Malu.

Malu!

David, stop it!

You can see me?

I can see you.

How?

They've got her in the car.

She was one of the refugees?

Yeah, she was just a kid.

We need to talk to her.

That's going to be a little hard now.

David, get back here.

We need to figure this out.

If she's here, the others could be here.

Yeah.

David.

I hope y'all have some cash under the mattress.

What are you doing, David?

I'm going to need bail money.

David.

Trash cans seem to do the trick.

David, you drop this.

Oh, shit.

What the fuck?

Hello there.

How can you see me?

Who are you?

Looks like everybody can see you.

I'm the only one who sees a green person.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm David.

Do you know my dad, Casper?

Casper?

He's here?

He's here.

The diner's here.

Labuzu was right.

She said you'll come back.

Are the sisters here?

They're not here?

We were separated.

Malu, what's going on?

I don't know where to start.

Have you been arrested before?

No.

Is that what they're doing?

Yes.

We're going to the precinct and they're going to process us.

After they process us, they're going to split us up.

That's how much time you have to tell me everything.

Clock's ticking.

I'll start at the beginning.

So when their colony got attacked, the refugees all got split up.

They don't know where.

Malu says there's a small group of them being held in a building somewhere.

She said it was a building with a picture of a disturbing man on it.

That's all she can give me.

A disturbing man on it?

How did she get out?

The mystery men said to them that if they agreed to try and live peacefully in their society, they could go free.

Malu agreed because she thought if she got out of confinement, she could try and find a way out or a way to contact someone.

David, Lamonians are green amphibians.

How come nobody is noticing that about her?

She doesn't know.

Okay, obviously the diner brought us here for the refugees, right?

Fuck, even if it didn't, we're getting the refugees out.

A building with a disturbing man on the front isn't much to go with.

We go with what we've got.

I don't know what's going on with this weird Pleasantville planet we're on, but let's focus on the real stuff.

We've got two problems.

We need to get David and this girl out of jail, and we need to find the secret prison they're keeping the refugees in.

We're doing double jail breaks now?

No, we've got some weird army on our trails, so let's not attract too much attention.

I can bail them out of jail.

No, I can bail them out of jail.

Gloria?

Casper, have you ever bailed someone out of jail?

I've bailed so many sous chefs out of jail that I'm basically a lawyer.

I'll handle jail.

I need you to hit the streets and see if you can find a building with a disturbing man on it.

Laif, lock up the front door and see if you can find out anything more about this planet.

I'm going to try and find out if they've got satellites.

If they have iPhones, there's got to be GPS.

I'll try and get a bird's eye view.

Great.

David, have you seen anyone using money?

Yeah, just looks like regular cash.

Good.

Hey, is this going on my permanent record?

That's your ass.

It's going on your permanent record.

Be a dad later, Casper.

Go find the refugees.

David, I'm coming to you.

Bring top ramen.

It's like currency in here.

No prison jokes.

Everybody, get to work, please.

So, assuming this works like Earth, we'll be handcuffed to this bench for a few hours while everyone ignores us.

Then, they'll take us off to holding cells and wait for someone to bail us out.

You've done this before?

I had a bit of a misspin, youth.

Yes.

You know, you're my first alien.

What do you mean?

I've never met someone from another planet before.

Really?

Yes.

You don't disappoint.

What do you mean?

I mean, look at you.

You're green, you've got webbed feet.

Pretty cool.

Casper tells me you're amphibious.

Yes.

So you can breathe underwater?

Only when we're babies.

Then we learn to breathe air.

So your whole childhood is underwater?

Yes.

And we are yellow when we were born.

Then we turn green.

That is fucking amazing, Malu.

It does not feel fucking amazing to me.

Yeah, I guess not.

What can humans do that you think is amazing?

Nothing?

That checks out.

We like your stories.

Our stories?

We like to watch our television stories.

You watch TV from Earth?

Yes.

What's your favorite one?

The one where there's an island and they're trying to get off?

Lost?

No.

There is a big man, a small man, and a smart man.

Gilligan's Island?

Yes.

I like it.

It's funny.

So you're skipping over Prestige TV and just going straight for Gilligan's Island.

They're from different places, but they're all together.

Like we were in the beginning.

That's when you met my dad.

Yes.

He saved us.

What was he like back then?

He was mad about things all the time.

He was like the big man on Gilligas Island.

That sounds about right.

Malu, what do you think all this is about?

Why do they have you here?

What is this place?

Why does it look like Earth?

I don't know.

They want us to be like them.

To live like them.

And you said hell no and then threw a trash can at a a cop car?

I was desperate.

I didn't think you were coming.

I made a plan.

It was a bad plan.

A plan?

What was your plan?

I found a way out.

I know that sound.

David, listen to me.

When he comes, you must pretend you don't see him.

What?

I'm sorry, David.

Malu, what's happening?

Their weapons don't kill you.

They send you somewhere far away.

I thought it was my only way out.

You became a problem, so they'd come and eliminate you.

I didn't think you'd come.

I must fake.

Guys, we've got a problem.

One of the mystery men is here at the precinct.

We're in trouble.

Guys?

Fuck!

You have to look away when he comes.

You have to be like the others.

The others will not notice him.

Why won't they notice him?

I don't know.

Okay,

listen to me.

I can tell you how to get out of those handcuffs.

David, it doesn't matter.

They can be anywhere they want.

We can't just sit here.

Tell them to take care of my family if they found them.

Tell the Booze I'm sorry.

I stopped believing.

Malu.

He's here.

He must be quiet.

We make the world.

David

David, I'm trying to talk to you.

Is your earpiece not working?

David,

Gloria?

There you are.

I'm almost there, okay?

Gloria, something happened.

What?

What happened?

David, what happened?

Building with a disturbing man on it.

Building with a disturbing man on it.

Pet boys.

That's three disturbing men.

Right.

There's a brew pub here, Mr.

Bad News.

It's got a picture of a guy on it.

Honestly, he looks kind of affable.

Michelin man?

Hey, folks, just talking to myself on the street, trying to work it out.

We've all been there.

Leaf, it's so disturbing that all of this is here.

There's people walking by me.

They look totally human.

How is there an exact copy of Earth?

I'm up on the GPS now.

It's even more disturbing than that.

What do you mean?

It's not Earth.

We know that already.

No, I mean...

It's like if Earth had completely different geography.

There's no Europe or anything.

It's just.

It's like if Earth happened on a completely different planet.

It's an Earth-like planet, but the map is totally different.

Well, why is that more disturbing?

There's no way an Earth-like planet could have developed to be exactly like Earth.

They've got Starbucks, they've got iPhones.

Looking down at this planet, this isn't just one city.

There's

cities everywhere, just like Earth.

This planet should be completely different from Earth.

It's looking like everything that's happened on Earth has happened here, too, but it's not Earth.

How is that possible?

Had to be orchestrated somehow.

Like it's all a front?

You can't set up an entire civilization as a facade.

Why would you?

Well, you also can't orchestrate that a planet develops exactly like Earth.

That's impossible.

I know.

But here we are.

I don't like it.

I thought we get out of here as soon as possible.

Agreed.

Okay, I've got Kentucky Fried Chicken here.

What do we think?

Colonel Sanders, disturbing, not disturbing?

I don't know if he's disturbing, but I could really use a double down right now.

I'm not taking orders.

I think it's important that we find out if the double down on this fake earth tastes the same as the real thing.

Can you imagine the ass whooping we would get from Gloria if I walked in the door with a chicken bucket?

We're doing it for science.

Why are you making jokes right now?

This isn't joke time.

I would just like to say, I know we're in a precarious situation right now, but

we're not in Pasadena.

You're about to go into a KFC looking for imprisoned alien refugees.

I feel like I'm home again.

I'm glad someone's enjoying themselves.

Guys, what's up?

Something happened.

Hey, act casual.

I convinced them I'm your lawyer.

How are are you doing?

What the hell did I just witness?

You just had a very close call with danger, David.

I turned off my earpiece.

Is he freaking out?

Oh, yes.

I turned mine off too.

He'll be okay.

She said getting shot by one of those things was a way out.

What was she talking about?

Lace says that their weapons don't kill.

They place you in a random place in space and time.

So could still be alive.

David, you came along with us as an adult, so I'm going to treat you like one, okay?

I am an adult.

There are some adults that I don't speak to like adults.

One of them is your dad.

Every universe has a lot of crazy and wonderful and terrifying things in them.

But every universe, despite all the things in it, it's still mostly nothing.

The chances of this girl ending up somewhere where she was safe,

it's almost zero.

Most likely she was teleported into the void of space somewhere.

Who the fuck are these people?

What is this place?

I don't know, David.

Whoever they are, they aren't fucking around.

He shot her right in front of me, right in front of everybody, and nobody did anything.

i know nobody even saw him

david this place looks exactly like earth but there's something really fucked up going on it's like the suburbs the suburbs what do you mean

there was this thing that happened in la

turned out all the surrounding cities were sweeping up the unhoused people and just dumping them in skid row downtown like it was a landfill keeping the suburbs clean jesus christ you know, I spend so much time dealing with evil empires out here that I sometimes forget about my own back home.

They've got to be keeping them somewhere.

Well, Casper's looking for them right now.

We've got to find them.

I know.

She said to take care of her family.

She's got family somewhere.

We're going to do everything we can.

Is it always like this?

No.

No, this is different.

Your dad wasn't exaggerating.

He was right to freak out that you stowed away with us.

I'm surprised he let me leave the diner.

Me too.

But I think he was trying to respect your choices.

Regardless, you're in it now.

Anything else you want to tell me before I try and bail you out?

I I think it's 2012.

2012?

Yeah, we need to find something with a date on it.

Okay.

Why 2012?

That barista.

Her phone was an iPhone 5, I think.

Nicki Minaj's first album came out around then, too.

Also, that guy tried to airdrop me a shirtless photo.

Let's just say the airdrop was an overutilized function when it first came out, and it was also around 2012.

Okay.

Weird.

Good work, David.

What the hell does 2012 have to do with anything?

No clue.

Look, your dad is freaking out.

We've got to turn our earpieces back on.

Oh, that was another thing.

When that asshole was nearby, I couldn't hear you guys.

My earpiece wouldn't work.

Okay, well, at least we'll know when they're coming.

Casper,

I'm giving you two minutes to yell.

Go nuts.

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We belong to something beautiful.

I'd like someone to acknowledge that I was right and this was a terrible idea for him to come with us.

He was looking down the barrel of a lifetime working for the city archives, Casper.

I can't say that I blame him.

This is not the life of adventure that people think it is.

Casper, I totally respect you being freaked out right now.

It sounds like it was a scary situation, but I'm sorry, man.

This is exactly the life of adventure that people think it is.

Put yourself in his shoes.

How long did you work at the DMV?

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

How long?

That's all I really did.

I started working there when I was 22.

Okay.

Imagine yourself at like

year seven of working at the DMV.

You don't have kids.

You're not married.

A magical diner appears right in front of you.

What are you doing?

Shitting in my pants.

Sure.

Hop out after that.

Are you walking back inside to take driver's license photos?

I think not, my friend.

Leaf, I am hardwired to keep him away from danger.

And to hear you tell it, it was that hardwiring of yours that drove him out of the house in the first place.

You can't keep him down down on the farm, man.

This is the choice he's made.

He's going to see some shit.

Yeah, I really don't like it when you make the yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's like for me argument.

Casper, this place abducted you, and you were forced to live here for over a century.

Guess what?

You're better off because of it.

Despite...

Everything.

Are you honestly telling me that you'd like to go back to being the guy you were all those years years ago?

You're better off.

And in this humble pirate's opinion, he will be too.

They killed her right in front of him.

People die every day.

You think nobody dies on Earth?

The difference is that right now, he's out there trying to do something about it.

He wouldn't be able to do that on Earth.

What is that music?

I'm teaching teaching Peter to break dance.

I'm also trying to hack into NORAD while you're telling me about your problems.

I can multitask.

Oh, shit.

What?

Didn't Gloria say something about it being 2012 on this planet?

Yeah?

I fucking found it.

The building with the disturbing man on it?

What is it?

Romney for America local headquarters.

Holy magical underwear, Batman.

That's gotta be it, right?

Is there a big ghoulish picture of Mitt Romney on it?

In all his Stepford wife's glory.

Do you see me on the map?

Yeah, you're just a couple of blocks away.

Okay, we need to get some sort of

Casper.

Casper, can you hear me?

Fuck!

Peter, silent mode.

If anyone can hear me, we've got a bogey bogey at the diner.

Anyone?

The Prime Construct has arrived on Project 2012.

Alert the near Svesna.

Okay.

Peter?

What do you say we get to know our new friend?

No, Gloria, I'm telling you, I was talking to him and he just disappeared.

Shit!

When one of those those guys shows up, our earpieces go out.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Shit.

Okay, I'm not far.

I'm gonna head back to the diner.

You guys just stay put, okay?

Guys?

Guys.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

fuck.

Laser saw

guys

Casper, are you okay?

We're okay.

Gloria, what happened?

I thought they had impenetrable shields.

They do.

Turns out they can't have their shields up while they're charging their weapon.

It's all the same power system.

There's another dead one back at the diner.

Oh, fuck Jesus Christ.

That was so stressful.

So So everyone's okay.

Jesus Christ, I thought he was gonna shoot me with this thing.

Gloria

One of them saw the diner.

They know we're here.

We need to pick up the pace.

Very close to death.

What about the refugees?

We think we know where they are.

Get this.

It's a Romney for America headquarters.

They even have a Mitt Romney here?

I mean, of all the political candidates to be on another planet.

All right.

Yeah.

Because

of the Mormon planet thing.

What are you talking about?

Isn't that a Mormon thing?

If they're good Mormons, they get their own planet when they die?

They do.

Wait.

Is this Mitt Romney's planet?

His planet?

What if Mitt Romney has died?

And he's been put in charge of this planet.

And now we're under attack by space Mormons.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I think Casper's a little delirious because he almost got killed by the time gun.

Huh, Miss got killed by the time gun.

We're going to get these refugees out of the Romney headquarters, and then we can hide out at the diner until it's time to go.

Great, but we're stuck at the precinct.

This could take hours.

I got you covered.

Sit tight and be ready to move, okay?

Great.

Do I even want to know?

It's going to be fine.

Turns out this is a double jailbreak day.

Casper?

Yeah.

We've got to get into the Mitt Romney headquarters.

Right.

Right.

There's, uh.

There's a local camera crew outside the headquarters.

Yeah?

You're thinking Huellhauser?

That's what I'm thinking.

That's not bad.

I'll go steal a camera.

You can't be serious.

Who is Huell Hauser?

I can't believe this is happening.

Is this another one of your crazy plans?

I'm sorry, let me pull one of my responsible plans out of my back pocket.

David, what is about to happen?

I'm guessing you didn't grow up watching California public television.

No, of course I didn't.

I can't believe I'm 820,000 light years from Earth, and I still cannot escape this nonsense.

Okay, I've got the camera.

Let's roll.

All right, now we are inside.

Well, let's look at this place.

Hello there.

What's your name?

Who are you?

Louis, Louis, get a shot of this person here.

We are inside an actual presidential campaign headquarters.

Isn't that right?

Uh, yes.

What's your name?

Charlotte.

Hey there, Charlotte.

Louis, get a shot of Charlotte over here in an actual campaign office.

So what goes on here?

We're running a campaign for president.

That is really something.

And how's it been going?

Fine.

Look at all this back here.

Louis, we've got all sorts of people on all sorts of phones now, don't we?

Excuse me.

Charlotte, what is your last name?

I'm Charlotte Tobiah.

I'm a volunteer organizer.

Charlotte, I'm looking around here and I'm seeing all sorts of activity.

I'm seeing people mailing things.

I'm seeing people on phones.

How do you keep your head screwed on straight around here?

I'm sorry.

What is this for?

And what's this over here?

Louis, get a shot of this over here.

That there is a picture of a man in a real big hat.

This is our candidate with a local business owner.

A local business owner?

That is really something.

What does he do?

I believe he's the donut king.

What is he doing?

The donut king.

Louie, can you believe that?

He's got himself a hat instead of a crown, doesn't he?

He was this public television guy.

He loved to do this impression when he picked me up from school.

And here we've got what looks like a cardboard cutout of the candidate himself.

Don't you?

I can't believe this was his plan.

I can.

Charlotte, be honest with me.

Do you ever stand next to this cardboard cutout and see if you're taller than him?

Louie?

Louis, I'm standing next to him right now.

How do I measure up?

Okay.

Can you please tell me what this is for?

Charlotte, tell me more about what you're doing here.

What is your life like?

Are you just working day and night?

Okay, I'm in.

You're in.

Who's holding the camera?

Trust me.

He can keep them going for a half hour.

They're not going to notice I'm gone.

Where are you?

Looks like I'm in a storage room.

If I were a secret refugee prison, where would I be?

That transformer box is in the wrong place.

Bingo!

Ominous stairway going down?

Sure.

Laif, be careful.

There could be more of them down there.

Either that or I already killed them.

Shit.

What?

They're here.

The refugees?

Yeah.

They're in some sort of energy field.

May take me a minute to find the off switch.

How many are there?

Looks like about 20.

Jesus, they look fucking terrified.

Get them out of there, Lafe.

I will.

Time for you guys to get out of there.

Yeah, what is your plan for that again?

Seriously?

You sent Peter to break us out of prison?

Hey, everyone's doing their part today.

Get ready.

I'm testing out his jailbreak mode.

Get it?

Jailbreak mode?

hello peter hey what the hell is that thing

let's go i guess

charlotte do you just love every second of your job it must be so exciting uh yeah it really is I get to meet a lot of really great people.

There's always something to do.

And

where's your cameraman?

Right here, Huell.

Just getting some b-rolls.

There he is.

Louie, do we have everything we need?

We could use some shots of the campaign bus.

Charlotte, we would love to see that wonderful campaign bus of yours.

It looks so luxurious.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I think that that would just be a fascinating thing to see.

Could you lead the way?

Right this way.

What are we doing?

Stealing Mitt Romney's campaign bus.

Sure.

Peter!

I feel like this is not the best way to get us out of jail!

Can we, everybody, hold their fire?

Okay,

I'm coming out slowly.

Hello, officers.

My name is Gloria, and this is my robot, Peter.

Not here to hurt anyone,

though I see that several of you have in fact been hurt.

Sorry about that.

There's no need for any more shooting.

We're going to walk out the door and you'll never see us again.

I highly suggest nobody reach for their weapon.

officer.

What did I just say?

Let's go.

Okay,

thank you for your service, everyone.

Also, please go get another job.

Head back to the diner.

Oh, fuck.

Holy shit.

Three for three, baby.

You stole Mitt Romney's campaign bus?

Gloria, come on, it's a Republican bus full of refugees.

Drink in the irony.

Let's go.

Okay, drive.

Holy shit.

Hello, everyone.

Is this all of them?

Not even close.

This is 20.

We had over 100 when they first climbed aboard the diner.

Do they speak English?

Most of them, yeah.

Okay.

Everyone,

sit tight.

We're going to be at the diner in a few minutes.

We're going to get you out of here.

Everyone, please hold your applause until after the performance.

Guys, up here,

what the fuck is going on on this planet?

No clue.

Fucked up, whatever it is.

Anyone feel like we're in a human zoo, like they've done their best to fake our natural environment?

It goes way beyond that.

This isn't a fake town that they use to condition people or something.

This is a whole planet orchestrated to look just like Earth, specifically in 2012.

Are we sure the whole planet is like this?

I think so.

I had a look at the global satellite data.

Why 2012?

I don't think that's the question.

I think the question is: whoever they are,

how did they manage to do it?

Fuck if I know.

All I know is that we're leaving.

Leave.

There's a couple of scared kids back there.

Can I show them, Peter?

Yeah, sure.

Look Look at all these people walking down the street.

They all just think this is Earth.

And this isn't a simulation?

No.

This is all real.

None of them could see Malu.

What are they doing to all these people?

I don't know, Gloria.

Stop here.

At the Starbucks?

Stop here.

Okay.

We're in a stolen campaign bus.

We just broke you out of jail.

I don't know how many more mystery men are out there.

Two minutes.

Hey there, you're just in time.

I was about to close up.

What can I get you?

Just a black coffee.

Bless you.

I had already started cleaning the espresso machine.

I figured.

Big plans tonight?

My friends and I are going to a concert.

Fun.

Yeah.

You know, I did something crazy today.

I invited a random guy that walked into the shop.

Really?

Yeah, I don't know what came over me.

I'd never do stuff like that.

He hasn't texted me, so whatever.

I'm kind of relieved because if he did show up, then I'd just have to try and be attractive all night, and I'm just not feeling it today.

I know what you mean.

Cream and sugar are over there.

Thanks.

Election year again, huh?

Yeah, seems like it gets longer every year.

Yeah.

Was it happening last year?

What?

Election season.

Was it happening last year?

Um,

yeah, seems like it.

What about the year before that?

What?

The year before that.

Was it an election year then, too?

I mean,

like I said.

What about when you were in high school?

What's your name?

Fiona.

Fiona, has

Mitt Romney always been running for president

for as long as you can remember?

Has it always been 2012?

I

you know what

it's all right.

Thanks for the coffee, Fiona.

Oh, uh

yeah.

Yeah, no problem.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just

got a really bad headache all of a sudden.

Try drinking some water.

Whenever I get a headache, it's because I'm not drinking enough water.

Yeah,

good idea.

Enjoy the concert.

yeah, thanks.

What's up,

Gloria?

That thing you have that shocks people, do you have it on you?

The secret handshake?

Yes.

Yeah?

I always have it on me.

Gloria?

Go get me the barista.

What

Go get me the barista.

We're taking hostages now?

Everyone on this planet is a hostage.

Go get me the barista.

Shit.

All right.

Hardcore.

Let's do this.

Gloria, we need to get moving.

Let's holdup?

Get in the driver's seat.

You're driving back to the diner.

I don't know how to drive this thing.

You don't need to pass a driver's test.

Get in the seat.

Okay.

Could have been a bus driver, right?

What are the nice ones?

Yeah.

One who chats you up on the way to work, right?

Huge thermos of coffee.

You know, beat up copy of Breakfast of Champions, right?

Sure, Casper

is Leaf taking coffee orders because I'm sitting here, nobody's taken my order, a latte would be nice.

Gloria,

don't worry about why is Leaf carrying an unconscious woman?

Someone order a barista, Casper.

Drive.

Holy shit.

Anything, Leif?

All's quiet.

I'm assuming the three we met were the ones in charge of the refugees.

Definitely more on the way, though.

That one that Peter lasered was about where you're standing.

I guess the body got teleported away.

Really wanted a look at that tech.

Any way you can see them coming?

I don't know.

That's a tough one.

These guys are light years ahead of the Teds.

I don't even know how their tech works yet.

I just know what it does.

How are things down there?

We're getting the refugees situated.

I think they're going to be pretty on edge until we take off, which is when?

Just a few minutes.

The diner is going to take us to all the refugees.

I think you're right.

We're getting them all, Leif.

I know.

And

what about the unconscious Barista in the walk-in?

I'm working on it.

Okay.

Regardless, it's

great to see all your faces again.

It brings back a lot lot of memories

I'm sorry we couldn't save Malu

She was just trying to find a a way out to to get help

The the rest of her family isn't here, I see, but uh we're um we're going to find them

We're going to find all of them Everyone, this is Gloria.

She she runs the place now.

I think you all probably remember what a bad job I was doing of running the place.

I was glad when she showed up.

Hi, everyone.

We're going to get underway any minute now.

We've got plenty of room, so spread out, grab a booth, just not that one over there.

These next few days are going to be tough, but I imagine you're used to that by now.

Everyone here understands what it's like to not have a place in the world.

So while you're here, it may not be home,

but it'll be the next best thing until we get you where you need to go.

Until then, the good news is that Casper is not going to be cooking anymore.

Right?

You remember how it was.

Lots of white bread and bologna with mayonnaise, right?

Okay, everyone.

Get comfortable.

It's enchilada time.

Hey.

Hey.

You doing okay?

Yeah.

I cannot believe you rolled out that goddamn Hulhauser impression.

Hey, Hul's gotten us out of a lot of jams, David.

I stand by it.

There's something about his personality.

You just want to let him in.

You know who else has come in handy a couple times?

No.

Oh, yes.

Julius Bohannon.

Of the Shreveport, Bohannon.

No.

Some have called me a ne'er-do-well riverboat gambler, but I stand before my creator to say that I am but a simple country lawyer.

Leaf can make laser robots.

Gloria runs the kitchen.

Ava's a genius.

And then.

And then.

It's funny, all the useless shit that I was able to do, unearth those stupid things that had no purpose whatsoever, they all eventually came in handy out here.

So there's that.

I'm sorry about Malu.

Did you know her?

No, not really.

I just recognized her voice because she was always

yelling at her little brother.

Her little brother would always

take salt and pepper shakers and ketchup bottles and napkin holders and make a model of the house he was going to live in when they got to their planet.

She talked about you like you were their savior, David.

This place means a lot to a lot of people, but I never meant it to mean anything

to anybody.

I was just trying to stay alive.

I went from

processing people's application for a license plate for their boat

to this.

I never felt good enough for it.

I never felt like it was supposed to be me.

I know you're mad that I snuck on board.

David, there's a very strong part of me that wants you to wrap yourself in bubble wrap and be a librarian.

Of course, I'm mad.

But I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you chose to be here.

I'm glad you're the kind of person who makes choices.

I'm glad that you're bold about it.

I also hate every single bit of it.

Okay?

Okay.

why did we steal a barista

yeah

yeah

uh

i don't think gloria even knows yet

in situations like this uh she she acts a little impulsively

like the last time we went to war with an intergalactic empire.

I would love to say that hostages are a new thing, but there was this guy, Ted, one time.

I'll tell you about it later.

Ow!

What?

Hey, Shmoopy.

How are you doing?

Did I get captured by the bad guys in the off chance that I'd be able to talk directly into your head like this?

Maybe.

What's happening?

It's a...

We have one of their ships now.

Hey, hey, hey, look, look, look, look, give me the phone.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Casper.

How's uh how's being a gigantic douche working out for you, huh?

Anyway,

we've got the diner signal up on the navigation thingy, and we're heading in your direction.

Now listen.

I know that these few hours away from me have been very difficult for you, dummy.

But don't worry.

Very soon now we can get back to our usual routine of me ignoring you and you bringing me things.

Get excited.

Oh, okay, going through a wormhole.

Bye.

Casper, what's going on?

Ava's talking into my head now.

Really?

Yeah.

I bet you must love that.

Yeah.

They found the sisters.

They stole a ship and they're meeting us at our next stop.

Cool.

I gotta go tell Gloria.

It actually does love that.

Oh, I know.

Leaf.

We're okay.

Five seconds.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Your move, bitch.

Nice.

This is a good job,

right?

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

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Jimbo Jet.

Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Kelly W., Holly Hooten, Alec Manning, Pyros Calling.

Introducing Reese Pontiff as the 18th Doctor, Too Many Jens, Cat Shot, Pamela Rose El Tierra, James Spiller Rosa, D-Squared Life, Thinsteena Says, Countess of Carvin, Luminous Elk, Rodian Caution, Love is for the Niers, Taz Hernandez, It's Just Tyson Now, Karza Roth the Illusionist, Joe Is the Writer's Room, Devin7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Lost Basan, Estelle, Kim Sell, Silly Goose Honk Honk, Ghost Saber Wolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Mr.

Alex Sir, Sarah Joy, Dolores Garra Schnapp, Taters, Precious, Teddy of the Wasteland, Daniel Gregory, Dr.

Glass, Sweets, Shar Noble, Mere Tender Creatures, Amanda Short, Whitney, Destroyer of Worlds, Chut Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, Ben Bar, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wassanasen, Virestria, Spoomples, Fernwood Gal, Stop What, Twinkle Tots, Shocking Developments Nearby, Phantom's Moms, Callison, Horn Swagglin Daniel Arthur, Mike Laclusi, Dex, It's a, it's a fucking dock rapture, King Humble, We'd Better Ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborne Welsh, Fireball XL5, Alexika Habaniera, Code Stranger, One Batty Bat, Ha ha ha ha ha, Matt N, Julia Krinklin, Frep, M.

Lin, Feed MaFish, JRR on SFP, Lahari, Rekka Ayumu, Teds Loves Catherine, JSpark, Eevee Girl, Lucid Harbor, Diet Knight, Mars Royalty, Take 20 Damage, Maisie's Bandstand, Kim Bob, Battle Pope and Bugaboo, Snorts McGorts, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Unexciting K, Atlas B, Hold it Now,

Hit it!

Drop it now!

Dodge it!

Bradley Ashby, Aang Rhee, Peter, Megan Okeo, William Dyer, Vicki A Bear, Brad Munier, Jane, Hannah Dale, Phantom Zone, Stabby Cacti, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Kill Shot Betty and her Steel-Eyed Bow, Turtles All the Way Down, Jackie Lowie, The Little Pigeon, Crow Nation, Crazed Bear, Ivinala, Dr.

Lattice Trash Angel says, Roll for Initiative.

Yes, my brain is weird.

Thank you.

Petting Dogs, Baby Bears Love the Diner, Corey Morose, Russell Money, Jane G, Max Savage, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Aranetta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Squatcher, Jimmy Snims, Lord Than and Lady Sarah, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer and Her Prismatic Chickens, Criddle, Heidelberdy, Tom Webster, Arashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Rad Dolls, Salazar the Dome Age, The Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's Finest Garen Elizondo, Terrified Toddler, Alkalized Tertiary Amines, Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Lily Davis, Sarah Maguire, Tonka 2005, Cruisin' B.

Anthony, J.

Way Mythical, Tybalt I, Stephen Schmidt, Xavier Romo, Tess Bart, Alley Frog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Talon Lawson, Freya Tidmittens, The Fontucky Wrangler, Jessica Shelton, Scrim Brulee, The Singing Loon, Zusana, Celeste Yos, Stepon, Infinity Times Infinity, Noah and Katie, Joe R., Sarah Murphy, Justin at the Tree Cave, The Ambergler, Boodles, Reaper, Osvaldo Simeone, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Hot Plate of Biscuits and Gravy, Zehoni Veda, Barbarian Bloodbath, Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Teds, Corinne Sabrantha, Beatrice Bodacious, Kyle of Light, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mack, The Something Something Detective Agency, Haya Buddha, Eli the Electrician, Charmay, The Wondrous Methazophon, What Jennica Said, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnec and Robert, Flat Doug, Trinket Corale, Deary Darling, Bookshift Managed, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole23, Victor in Cincinnati, Racefully Impaired, Jack Lane, Tired Pirate Muffin, Jay Snooston, Laura, Roman Ronin, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Land of Felines, and Schuldigan, Cryptessia, Rebecca Trossel, Mitzi Lou, Kelsey Home, Casper's Number One Fan, Amanda Marie Catherine, Damien The Goddamn Time Lawyer, Lola, Delicrews, Why'd you do this to us, Joe Fisher?

Matt Mosby, Harry Fishnuts, Joshua Cody, Astronaweeb, Starlight, Berserking Off, David Piarini, Techno Ranger Rick, Mossy, Lecoq DeFrancaise, Virgo Aries Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Ashley, A Bug Named Nat, Potato Nation, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Rusty Accord, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Dan Bowman, Paul A.

Johnson, Killer Odd, Dandy Bay, The Green Street Major, Creator67, Majolanth, Lafe's One True Love, Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, Incorrigible Ross, Deborah Wales, SCRB Mark11, Courtney DePona, Riedel the Beetle, John Dew, Maggie's Yarm, Stew, Nth Anomaly, Megan the Mighty, Purple Saline, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Anomalous Vandal, Captain Blepp, Eevee Power, Your Favorite Kenny, Terry, PJ Says What?

Danielle L, L.

Shiny Melon Fear Now, Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Tonight at 11, Doom,

Ilate Raul, Hicks Bezi Mates, Disco Funkslinger, Zealous Pragma, Tuba Rick, Princess Donut, The Queen Anne Chonk, It's Just Blake, Alice Malice Palace Chalice, and Aurora Borealis, Sircat Dad, Kelly Jane Danky, Aaron the Optimist, You Are Loved, Lucrezia, Andrew Barner, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Broccoenie, Ava.

No, not that, Ava, the one with an E

Grim, Zacky Nat, Underwater Corvid, Spizzeringtom, Michael Christian, Ransom, Marun Mai Salil, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyralis, Om Vega, Dances with Burritos likes Chili Cheese Fritos, Fiona Malisey, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R.

the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Alcave, Krusty McBeardface, Tracy, Maloran, Brian Barletta, Kara, Call Me Zen, Calibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, the Dread Pirate Fred Fretberger, What the Chuck, Purple Death, Sono Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatowichi, Justine Burbank, Inky the Kraken, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful squire Grabthar, Ruth McCormick, Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, and existentially, Exhausted Bean.

I can bail them out of jail.

Lori, wasn't my time?

I just

extended points to point it.

I love that this is chapter 40.

Laser saw.

All right, that was great.

Thank you for the Charles Bronson of it all.

But I do think it's like you just ran there and laser sawed.

Gotcha.

So just a little bit, just a little out of breath, maybe.

Got it.

Got it.

Got it.

Laser saw.

Why?

Why?

I don't know.

What the fuck?

Because it's funny.

Look, it's funny.

I know.

We can all feel the funny.

Yes, I know.

I know.

But also, why?

I'm out here fucking murdering bad guys.

Like, I'm literally cutting them in the most funny way.

It's comedy.

All right.

Laser saw.

Sorry.

I don't think there's an unfunny way to do it in the recording situation.

All right.

It's all good.

It's all good.

Recording.

It's going to be fabulous.

Go get me the barista.

Shit.

All right.

Hardcore.

Let's do this.

Hey, Schmoopy.

Hope you guys haven't been murdered.

Hated it.

Hope you guys haven't been murdered.

I can't say murdered.

It's my favorite thing.

Why can't I say it?

But this is, of course, not a normal situation.

It's not?

Tell me how far.

Sorry.

It's not.

No, it is not.

It is not.

It's not,

and I'm not questioning it at all.

I think you know that.

I can't.

What are you talking about?

Punctuation and

not questioning this.

She's like, no, no, no, it's not.

You're gay.

And again, thank you.

So is Fiona, incidentally.

the Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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