Chapter 40: Romney for America

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Speaker 3 Hi, kids. It's me again.

Speaker 4 Hello.

Speaker 3 It is about 4 in the morning when I'm recording this and putting the final touches on this episode. And so you've heard this preamble before, so I'll just cut to the chase.

Speaker 3 So the mini-series is getting two additional episodes, as I said, or not before.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 the news is that

Speaker 3 After much consideration, yes, the main show is also going to get two additional episodes. So the final episode of season four of Midnight Burger is going to be chapter 44.

Speaker 3 Now, I've talked about this before, so I won't belabor the point, but suffice to say, when I start each season, I have kind of a grocery list of things that I want to do. And

Speaker 3 sometimes 10 episodes,

Speaker 3 the sort of default minimum of 10 episodes is just not enough. And so I end up having to expand it.
A season is not a suitcase.

Speaker 3 It is more like an expanding accordion file or you know a bag of holding however you like to see things.

Speaker 3 And so this particular season needs to expand a little bit because I still have things on my grocery list. So once again, final episode of season four will be chapter 44

Speaker 3 and so now please enjoy chapter 40.

Speaker 3 Previously on Midnight Burger, Ava was interrogated by the mystery men and it went a little something like this.

Speaker 6 I just can't take you seriously with those voices anymore. Are you guys fucking stupid? Could I get a magazine or something? Trying a little Socratic Jiu-Jitsu.
Have you been taking classes?

Speaker 6 I can already tell that yours is a gel-using society. You listen to me, you grubby little shitbird.

Speaker 9 Can't call me something else.

Speaker 6 Just watch me. Rebecca, that.

Speaker 6 is the stupidest bullshit I have ever heard in my life.

Speaker 3 I think I can speak for all of us when I say ouch.

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, the Muckle Wanes were unleashed and it went a little something like this.

Speaker 4 This is a promenade! We're promenade around. Bow and swing, y'all.
Bow and swing. We are locked out.

Speaker 3 We are being bombarded with billions of calculations per microsecond. How is that possible?

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 3 What is the source? I can't determine the source.

Speaker 4 The system is overburdened.

Speaker 8 Our system is infallible.

Speaker 4 Infallible.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 3 if that doesn't sound like a rationalization, I don't know what does.

Speaker 4 Hello there, ladies.

Speaker 10 If you don't mind me saying, y'all have set yourselves down in quite a sizable cow paddy now, having.

Speaker 3 I think I speak for all of us when I say, y'all? Meanwhile, in some other galaxy.

Speaker 4 Oh my god.

Speaker 3 They gave us a fucking jumpstart.

Speaker 4 The reception sucks out here.

Speaker 11 David.

Speaker 3 David, what the fuck did you do? That's right, the diner has been freed of Pasadena with David on board. They've been grounded for a while now, which means there's all kinds of work to do.

Speaker 3 Oh, Jesus, who is this now? Send out one final command.

Speaker 3 And then delete yourselves permanently.

Speaker 4 Very well.

Speaker 4 What is the command?

Speaker 4 Kill them.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 they're just trying trying to serve food.

Speaker 4 That's all they're trying to do.

Speaker 3 And then this guy comes along and

Speaker 3 let's start the shift.

Speaker 8 Here's your cappuccino.

Speaker 4 Thanks. I could have come up there.
Oh, it's no problem.

Speaker 8 Do you want to hear something funny?

Speaker 12 Sure.

Speaker 8 We get secret shoppers coming in here from corporate sometimes.

Speaker 8 They will literally order a cappuccino, then go out to a van where they have equipment that can weigh the amount of foam we've put on the cappuccinos.

Speaker 4 You're kidding.

Speaker 8 No, it's so ridiculous. I love your phone screen.

Speaker 9 Thanks.

Speaker 4 What is that? It's mine. It's a piece I did.
You're a street artist? I am. That's so cool.
I love it. Thanks.

Speaker 8 Wow, what phone is that? Is that the new one?

Speaker 4 It is.

Speaker 8 Can you believe this? Look at my phone. My screen is so fucked.

Speaker 4 A cracked screen is a sign of a busy life.

Speaker 8 Tell me about it. I just got it last year, and already this happened.

Speaker 4 Last year?

Speaker 8 Yeah, ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Are you new to the area?

Speaker 8 I haven't seen you in here before. We have a lot of regulars.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I

Speaker 4 just got here.

Speaker 4 Welcome.

Speaker 4 Thanks.

Speaker 8 Hey, have you heard of Nikki Minaj?

Speaker 4 Have I heard of her?

Speaker 8 My friends are going to her show tonight, and we have an extra ticket. Might be a good way to get to know people if you're new in town.

Speaker 4 Uh, sure, why not? Cool.

Speaker 8 Give me your phone. I'll put in my number.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 8 Wow, this phone is so cool.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Um,

Speaker 8 there you go.

Speaker 4 Fiona. Got it.

Speaker 8 I'm working until six, and then my friends are picking me up here.

Speaker 4 Sounds like fun. Great.

Speaker 8 Anyway, like I said, I'm Fiona.

Speaker 4 Uh, Dustin?

Speaker 4 Dustin Watson.

Speaker 8 Nice to meet you, Dustin Watson.

Speaker 4 Same here.

Speaker 4 Guys,

Speaker 14 round of applause for David's first on-the-fly alias.

Speaker 4 Let's hear it. Very funny.

Speaker 15 Good job, David.

Speaker 16 She really bought it.

Speaker 4 She did. Such a tragedy, though.

Speaker 17 What's that?

Speaker 4 Well, if this were a normal situation, she would stalk me on Instagram, being very careful not to like anything, and then she would finally see my pictures from LA Pride 2018, and her little heart would be crushed.

Speaker 11 Thanks for describing my late 20s to me, David.

Speaker 4 But this is, of course, not a normal situation.

Speaker 19 It's not.

Speaker 4 Tell me, how far are we from Earth right now?

Speaker 11 Late?

Speaker 14 About 820,000 light years as the crow flies, David.

Speaker 4 Uh-huh.

Speaker 4 Y'all, I'm out of Starbucks.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 20 it's pretty weird, David.

Speaker 4 You haven't seen something like this before?

Speaker 20 We've been to a bunch of different versions of Earth, but they're always where Earth is supposed to be.

Speaker 22 This place looks like Earth, but like Leif said, it's in the wrong place.

Speaker 20 We're trying to figure it out. David.

Speaker 23 Remember we were talking about Cryptessia?

Speaker 4 That's where the sisters went.

Speaker 26 Yes, that's where the diner took us we didn't travel through dimensions we didn't travel through time

Speaker 14 we just traveled spatially and somehow here in cryptesia is a duplicate earth huh

Speaker 4 can i say i'm disappointed i was expecting octopus creatures on glorbnar 7 or something we didn't know what to expect but we didn't expect this well if it is another earth it's from a few years ago

Speaker 19 What do you mean?

Speaker 4 Her phone was an older phone, but she said she got it last year. That was like an iPhone 5.
It still had a button on it.

Speaker 4 Also, she asked me if I had heard of Nicki Minaj, like her first album had just dropped.

Speaker 19 Interesting.

Speaker 28 Good catch, David.

Speaker 4 One moment.

Speaker 4 Oh my.

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 4 The audacity.

Speaker 27 What's happening?

Speaker 4 A man in this Starbucks has just airdropped a shirtless pic to me. Whoa.
Not sure how I should respond to that in this situation.

Speaker 17 I mean, how does he look?

Speaker 15 No hookups on the hostile alien planet, please.

Speaker 17 Casper, come on.

Speaker 27 That's where the best hookups are.

Speaker 20 David, you're doing a great job, but I don't think we need you to go that undercover.

Speaker 4 I think it's important to acknowledge that I have had two people hit on me already at the Starbucks, so I may be far from home, but I'm thriving.

Speaker 19 Acknowledged.

Speaker 18 Okay, can we get him back here, please?

Speaker 23 We're really pushing it.

Speaker 20 Yeah, David, you can come on back.

Speaker 4 Hang on. What?

Speaker 4 I saw something. Hang on.

Speaker 20 Where are you going?

Speaker 27 David, what the hell are you doing?

Speaker 4 I'm walking down the street.

Speaker 15 Walking down the street towards us, I hope.

Speaker 4 This place is trying to convince us that it's Earth, right?

Speaker 20 I don't know if it's trying to convince us of anything, but they've got Nicki Minaj.

Speaker 7 That's a pretty deep detail.

Speaker 4 If it's trying to be Earth, then why am I following a woman down the street with green skin right now?

Speaker 30 Whoa, green skin?

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 20 David, look around. Is there anyone else who has alien vibes?

Speaker 4 No. It's Earthlings, wall to wall.

Speaker 20 Is anyone else seeing her?

Speaker 4 No, it's like she perfectly blends in.

Speaker 20 Weird.

Speaker 19 Okay, stay on her, David.

Speaker 11 Gloria.

Speaker 17 Casper, we talked about this.

Speaker 21 These guys may know who we are, so we sent David to look around.

Speaker 23 It's the best choice.

Speaker 4 It's the best choice.

Speaker 26 David, can you give me anything other than green?

Speaker 4 I can't see her that well. Don't make contact.

Speaker 27 Hang back. Hang way back, please.

Speaker 4 Can we get him some chamomile tea?

Speaker 16 Yes, Casper, can you chill out, please?

Speaker 18 That's easy for you to say. My son just volunteered for a life of danger.

Speaker 4 This fool thought he could show me a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner and I would just go back to work on Monday.

Speaker 4 Well, depends on your rating system.

Speaker 4 Hang on, she stopped.

Speaker 21 What's she doing?

Speaker 4 She's looking around. She looks.

Speaker 21 Looks like what?

Speaker 4 You know that look people have right before they do something crazy?

Speaker 19 I know that look.

Speaker 4 She just went into a convenience store. Should I follow her? No, I wouldn't.

Speaker 29 David, you might lose her in there.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 I think I saw yellow stripes. Green with yellow stripes.

Speaker 30 Lamonier? We're just as far from there as we are from Earth.

Speaker 4 She's already out. She's got a gallon of water in her hands.

Speaker 11 Weird.

Speaker 4 And she's pouring it all over herself.

Speaker 20 Is anyone noticing her yet?

Speaker 4 Kind of, but they're just walking past her like she's some weird lady on the street.

Speaker 11 I've got a bad feeling about this.

Speaker 19 Uh-oh, cops.

Speaker 18 Shit.

Speaker 4 Cop car is rolling by slowly. Oh, Lord, she has picked up a trash can.

Speaker 4 And she threw it.

Speaker 4 She's getting arrested. This is a lie.
They're lying to you.

Speaker 4 Not sure what she was trying to accomplish, but respect. I know that voice.

Speaker 3 You do? She's green? Yeah. Uh,

Speaker 24 Malu.

Speaker 4 Her name's Malu. Malu! David, stop it.
You can see me? I can see you. How?

Speaker 4 They've got her in the car. She was one of the refugees?

Speaker 15 Yeah, she was just a kid.

Speaker 31 We need to talk to her.

Speaker 20 That's going to be a little hard now.

Speaker 15 David, get back here.

Speaker 18 We need to figure this out.

Speaker 14 If she's here, the others could be here.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 17 David.

Speaker 4 I hope y'all have some cash under the mattress.

Speaker 20 What are you you doing, David?

Speaker 4 I'm going to need bail money. David, trash cans seem to do the trick.

Speaker 3 David, you dropped this.

Speaker 27 Oh, shit. What the fuck?

Speaker 32 Hello there. How can you see me?

Speaker 11 Who are you?

Speaker 4 Looks like everybody can see you. I'm the only one who sees a green person.

Speaker 13 Why?

Speaker 4 I don't know. I'm David.
You know my dad, Casper?

Speaker 33 Casper?

Speaker 4 He's here? He's here. The diner's here.

Speaker 33 Lapuzo was right.

Speaker 32 She said you'll come back.

Speaker 5 Are the sisters here?

Speaker 4 They're not here?

Speaker 5 We were separated.

Speaker 4 Malu, what's going on?

Speaker 32 I don't know where to start.

Speaker 4 Have you been arrested before? No.

Speaker 33 Is that what they're doing? Yes.

Speaker 4 We're going to the precinct and they're going to process us. After they process us, they're going to split us up.
That's how much time you have to tell me everything.

Speaker 4 Clock's ticking.

Speaker 32 I'll start at the beginning.

Speaker 25 So, when their colony got attacked, the refugees all got split up.

Speaker 4 They don't know where.

Speaker 25 Malu says there's a small group of them being held in a building somewhere. She said it was a building with a picture of a disturbing man on it.
That's all she can give me.

Speaker 3 A disturbing man on it?

Speaker 9 How did she get out?

Speaker 25 The mystery men said to them that if they agreed to try and live peacefully in their society, they could go free.

Speaker 25 Malu agreed because she thought if she got out of confinement, she could try and find a way out or a way to contact someone.

Speaker 3 David, Lamonians are green amphibians. How come nobody is noticing that about her?

Speaker 4 She doesn't know.

Speaker 11 Okay, obviously the diner brought us here for the refugees, right? Fuck, even if it didn't, we're getting the refugees out.

Speaker 3 A building with a disturbing man on the front isn't much to go with.

Speaker 11 We go with what we've got. I don't know what's going on with this weird Pleasantville planet we're on, but let's focus on the real stuff.

Speaker 11 We've got two problems: we need to get David and this girl out of jail, and we need to find the secret prison they're keeping the refugees in.

Speaker 3 We're doing double jail breaks now?

Speaker 11 No, we've got some weird army on our trails, so let's not attract too much attention.

Speaker 3 I can bail them out of jail.

Speaker 11 No, I can bail them out of jail.

Speaker 4 Gloria?

Speaker 11 Casper, have you ever bailed someone out of jail? I've bailed so many sous chefs out of jail that I'm basically a lawyer.

Speaker 4 I'll handle jail.

Speaker 11 I need you to hit the streets and see if you can find a building with a disturbing man on it. Laif, lock up the front door and see if you can find out anything more about this planet.

Speaker 3 I'm going to try and find out if they've got satellites. If they have iPhones, there's got to be GPS.

Speaker 3 I'll try and get a bird's eye view. Great.

Speaker 11 David, have you seen anyone using money?

Speaker 25 Yeah. Just looks like regular cash.

Speaker 4 Good. Hey, is this going on my permanent record?

Speaker 3 That's your ass, it's going on your permanent record.

Speaker 11 Be a dad later, Casper.

Speaker 11 Go find the refugees.

Speaker 4 David, I'm coming to you. Bring top ramen.

Speaker 3 It's like currency in here. No prison jokes.

Speaker 11 Everybody, get to work, please.

Speaker 4 So, assuming this works like Earth, we'll be handcuffed to this bench for a few hours while everyone ignores us. Then they'll take us off to holding cells and wait for someone to bail us out.

Speaker 33 You've done this before?

Speaker 4 I had a bit of a misspend, youth. Yes.

Speaker 4 You know, you're my first alien.

Speaker 32 What do you mean?

Speaker 4 I've never met someone from another planet before.

Speaker 4 Really? Yes. You don't disappoint.

Speaker 32 What do you mean?

Speaker 4 I mean, look at you. You're green, you've got webbed feet.
Pretty cool. Casper tells me you're amphibious.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 4 So you can breathe underwater?

Speaker 33 Only when we're babies.

Speaker 32 Then we learned to breathe air.

Speaker 4 So your whole childhood is underwater?

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 32 And we are yellow when we were born. Then we turn green.

Speaker 4 That is fucking amazing, Malu.

Speaker 32 It does not feel fucking amazing to me.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I guess not.

Speaker 4 What can humans do that you think is amazing?

Speaker 32 Nothing?

Speaker 5 That checks out. We like your stories.

Speaker 4 Our stories?

Speaker 33 We like to watch our television stories.

Speaker 4 You watch TV from Earth?

Speaker 33 Yes?

Speaker 4 What's your favorite one?

Speaker 32 The one where there's an island and they're trying to get off?

Speaker 4 Lost?

Speaker 32 No.

Speaker 32 There is a big man, a small man, and a smart man.

Speaker 4 Gilligan's Island?

Speaker 32 Yes, I like it.

Speaker 4 It's funny. So you're skipping over Prestige TV and just going straight for Gilligan's Island.

Speaker 33 They're from different places, but they're all together.

Speaker 32 Like we were in the beginning.

Speaker 4 That's when you met my dad.

Speaker 5 Yes, he saved us.

Speaker 4 What was he like back then?

Speaker 32 He was mad about things all the time.

Speaker 32 He was like the big man on Gilligan's Island.

Speaker 4 That sounds about right.

Speaker 4 Malu, what do you think all this is about? Why do they have you here? What is this place? Why does it look like Earth?

Speaker 32 I don't know. They want us to be laked up.

Speaker 33 To live laked up.

Speaker 4 And you said hell no, and then threw a trash can at a cop car?

Speaker 33 I was desperate.

Speaker 32 I didn't think you were coming.

Speaker 32 I made a plan.

Speaker 33 It was a bad plan.

Speaker 4 A plan? What was your plan?

Speaker 32 I found a way out.

Speaker 4 I know that sound.

Speaker 32 David, listen to me. When he comes, you must pretend you don't see him.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 32 I'm sorry, David.

Speaker 4 Malu, what's happening?

Speaker 32 Their weapons don't kill you. They send you somewhere far away.

Speaker 32 I thought it was my only way out.

Speaker 4 You became a problem so they'd come and eliminate you.

Speaker 32 I didn't think you'd come.

Speaker 33 I lost faith.

Speaker 4 Guys, we've got a problem. One of the mystery men is here at the precinct.
We're in trouble.

Speaker 4 Guys?

Speaker 32 Fuck! You have to look away when he comes.

Speaker 33 You have to be like the others.

Speaker 32 The others will not notice him.

Speaker 4 Why won't they notice him?

Speaker 33 I don't know.

Speaker 4 Okay. Listen to me.
I can tell you how to get out of those handcuffs.

Speaker 32 David, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 32 They can be anywhere they want.

Speaker 3 We can't just sit here.

Speaker 32 Tell them to take care of my family if they found them.

Speaker 32 Tell the Booze I'm sorry.

Speaker 33 I stopped believing.

Speaker 33 Malu. He's here.

Speaker 3 He must be quiet.

Speaker 33 We make the world.

Speaker 33 David

Speaker 22 David, I'm trying to talk to you.

Speaker 16 Is your earpiece not working?

Speaker 11 David,

Speaker 4 Gloria, there you are!

Speaker 21 Okay,

Speaker 4 Gloria, something happened.

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 4 What happened?

Speaker 4 David, what happened?

Speaker 3 Building with a disturbing man on it. Building with a disturbing man on it.
Pet boys.

Speaker 30 That's three disturbing men. Right.

Speaker 3 There's a brew pub here, Mr. Bad News.
It's got a picture of a guy on it. Honestly, it looks kind of affable.
Michelin man?

Speaker 3 Hey, folks, just talking to myself on the street, trying to work it out. Vault in there.

Speaker 3 Leaf, it's so disturbing that all of this is here. There's people walking by me.
They look totally human. How is there an exact copy of Earth?

Speaker 14 I'm up on the GPS now.

Speaker 30 It's even more disturbing than that.

Speaker 4 What do you mean? It's not Earth. We know that already.

Speaker 3 No, I mean,

Speaker 30 it's like if Earth had completely different geography. There's no Europe or anything.
It's just...

Speaker 30 It's like if Earth happened on a completely different planet. It's an Earth-like planet, but the map is totally different.

Speaker 3 Why is that more disturbing?

Speaker 30 There's no way an Earth-like planet could have developed to be exactly like Earth.

Speaker 29 They've got Starbucks, they've got iPhones.

Speaker 30 Looking down at this planet, this isn't just one city. There's cities everywhere, just like Earth.

Speaker 30 This planet should be completely different from Earth.

Speaker 30 It's looking like everything that's happened on Earth has happened here, too, but it's not Earth.

Speaker 4 How is that possible?

Speaker 35 Had to be orchestrated somehow.

Speaker 3 Like it's all a front?

Speaker 17 You can't set up an entire civilization as a facade.

Speaker 17 Why would you?

Speaker 3 Well, you also can't orchestrate that a planet develops exactly like Earth. That's impossible.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 30 But here we are.

Speaker 4 I don't like it.

Speaker 3 I vote we get out of here as soon as possible.

Speaker 4 Agreed.

Speaker 3 Okay, I've got Kentucky Fried Chicken here. What do we think? Colonel Sanders, disturbing, not disturbing?

Speaker 35 I don't know if he's disturbing, but I could really use a double down right now.

Speaker 3 I'm not taking orders.

Speaker 30 I think it's important that we find out if the double down on this fake Earth tastes the same as the real thing.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine the ass whooping we would get from Gloria if I walked in the door with a chicken bucket?

Speaker 29 We're doing it for science.

Speaker 3 Why are you making jokes right now?

Speaker 4 This isn't joke time.

Speaker 14 I would just like to say, I know, we're in a precarious situation right now, but

Speaker 14 we're not in Pasadena. You're about to go into a KFC looking for imprisoned alien refugees.

Speaker 4 I feel like I'm home again.

Speaker 3 I'm glad someone's enjoying themselves.

Speaker 22 Guys, what's up?

Speaker 11 Something happened.

Speaker 3 Hey, act casual.

Speaker 11 I convinced them I'm your lawyer.

Speaker 4 How are you doing? What the hell did I just witness?

Speaker 11 You just had a very close call with danger, David.

Speaker 4 I turned off my earpiece. Is he freaking out? Oh, yes.

Speaker 11 I turned mine off too. He'll be okay.

Speaker 4 She said getting shot by one of those things was a way out. What was she talking about?

Speaker 11 Lace says that their weapons don't kill. They place you in a random place in space and time.

Speaker 4 So she could still be alive.

Speaker 11 David, you came along with us as an adult, so I'm going to treat you like one, okay?

Speaker 4 I am an adult.

Speaker 11 There are some adults that I don't speak to like adults. One of them is your dad.

Speaker 11 Every universe has a lot of crazy and wonderful and terrifying things in them. But every universe, despite all the things in it, it's still mostly nothing.

Speaker 11 The chances of this girl ending up somewhere where she was safe,

Speaker 11 it's almost zero.

Speaker 11 Most likely she was teleported into the void of space somewhere.

Speaker 4 Who the fuck are these people? What is this place?

Speaker 11 I don't know, David. Whoever they are, they aren't fucking around.

Speaker 4 He shot her right in front of me, right in front of everybody, and nobody did anything.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 4 Nobody even saw him.

Speaker 11 David, this place looks exactly like Earth, but there's something really fucked up going on.

Speaker 4 It's like the suburbs.

Speaker 11 The suburbs? What do you mean?

Speaker 4 There was this thing that happened in LA. Turned out all the surrounding cities were sweeping up the unhoused people and just dumping them in Skid Row downtown like it was a landfill.

Speaker 4 Keeping the suburbs clean.

Speaker 11 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 11 You know, I spend so much time dealing with evil empires out here that I sometimes forget about my own back home.

Speaker 4 They've got to be keeping them somewhere.

Speaker 11 Well, Casper's looking for them right now.

Speaker 4 We've got to find them.

Speaker 11 I know.

Speaker 4 She said to take care of her family. She's got family somewhere.

Speaker 11 We're going to do everything we can.

Speaker 4 Is it always like this?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 11 No, this is different.

Speaker 11 Your dad wasn't exaggerating.

Speaker 11 He was right to freak out that you stowed away with us.

Speaker 4 I'm surprised he let me leave the diner. Me too.

Speaker 11 But I think he was trying to respect your choices. Regardless, you're in it now.
Anything else you want to tell me before I try and bail you out?

Speaker 4 I think it's 2012.

Speaker 11 2012?

Speaker 4 Yeah, we need to find something with a date on it. Okay.

Speaker 11 Why 2012?

Speaker 4 That barista. Her phone was an iPhone 5, I think.
Nicki Minaj's first album came out around then, too.

Speaker 4 Also, that guy tried to airdrop me a shirtless photo. Let's just say the airdrop was an overutilized function when it first came out, and it was also around 2012.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Weird. Good work, David.

Speaker 4 What the hell does 2012 have to do with anything? No clue.

Speaker 11 Look, your dad is freaking out. We've got to turn our earpieces back on.

Speaker 4 Oh, that was another thing. When that asshole was nearby, I couldn't hear you guys.
My earpiece wouldn't work.

Speaker 11 Okay, well, at least we'll know when they're coming.

Speaker 5 Casper,

Speaker 11 I'm giving you two minutes to yell. Go nuts.

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Speaker 27 I'd like someone to acknowledge that I was right and this was a terrible idea for him to come with us.

Speaker 3 He was looking down the barrel of a lifetime working for the city archives, Casper. I can't say that I blame him.

Speaker 24 This is not the life of adventure that people think it is.

Speaker 3 Casper, I totally respect you being freaked out right now it sounds like it was a scary situation but i'm sorry man this is exactly the life of adventure that people think it is killed that girl right in front of him

Speaker 3 he could have been killed leaf put yourself in his shoes

Speaker 3 how long did you work at the dmv

Speaker 17 what the hell does that have to do with anything how long

Speaker 23 that That's all I really did. I started working there when I was 22.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 3 Imagine yourself at like

Speaker 3 year seven of working at the DMV. You don't have kids.
You're not married. A magical diner appears right in front of you.
What are you doing?

Speaker 17 Shitting in my pants.

Speaker 4 Sure. Hop out after that.

Speaker 3 Are you walking back inside to take driver's license photos?

Speaker 3 I think not, my friend.

Speaker 27 Leaf, I am hardwired to keep him away from danger.

Speaker 3 And to hear you tell it, it was that hardwiring of yours that drove him out of the house in the first place.

Speaker 3 You can't keep him down on the farm, man.

Speaker 3 This is the choice he's made. He's going to see some shit.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I really don't like it when you make the yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me argument.

Speaker 3 Casper, this place abducted you, and you were forced to live here for over a century.

Speaker 3 Guess what?

Speaker 3 You're better off because of it. Despite...

Speaker 3 Everything. Are you honestly telling me that you'd like to go back to being the guy you were all those years ago? You're better off.

Speaker 3 And in this humble pirate's opinion, he will be too.

Speaker 35 They killed her right in front of him.

Speaker 3 People die every day.

Speaker 3 You think nobody dies on Earth? The difference is that right now, he's out there trying to do something about it.

Speaker 3 He wouldn't be able to do that on Earth.

Speaker 22 What is that music?

Speaker 3 I'm teaching Peter to break dance.

Speaker 15 You're teaching the robot to break dance while I'm telling you about my problems.

Speaker 3 I'm also trying to hack into NORAD while you're telling me about your problems. I can multitask.

Speaker 3 Oh shit.

Speaker 18 What? Didn't Gloria say something about it being 2012 on this planet?

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I fucking found it.

Speaker 3 The building with the disturbing man on it?

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 4 Romney for America local headquarters. Holy magical underwear, Batman.
That's gotta be it, right?

Speaker 3 Is there a big ghoulish picture of Mitt Romney on it?

Speaker 18 In all his Stepford wife's glory.

Speaker 27 Do you see me on the map?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're just a couple of blocks away.

Speaker 23 Okay, we need to get some sort of.

Speaker 3 Casper?

Speaker 3 Casper, can you hear me?

Speaker 3 Fuck!

Speaker 4 Peter, silent mode.

Speaker 3 If anyone can hear me, we've got a bogey at the diner.

Speaker 4 Anyone?

Speaker 4 The current construct has arrived on Project 2012. Alert the Nurse Vesna.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 3 Peter?

Speaker 3 What do you say we get to know our new friend?

Speaker 3 No, Gloria, I'm telling you, I was talking to him and he just disappeared.

Speaker 25 when one of those guys shows up our earpieces go out seriously yeah

Speaker 3 shit okay i'm not far i'm gonna head back to the diner you guys just stay put okay

Speaker 3 guys

Speaker 3 guys

Speaker 4 oh shit

Speaker 4 oh

Speaker 4 fuck

Speaker 3 Laser saw.

Speaker 28 Guys, Casper, are you okay? We're okay.

Speaker 4 Gloria? What happened?

Speaker 3 I thought they had impenetrable shields. They do.

Speaker 3 Turns out they can't have their shields up while they're charging their weapon. It's all the same power system.
There's another dead one back at the diner. Oh, fuck, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 That was so stressful.

Speaker 19 So everyone's okay.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, I thought he was going to shoot me with this thing. Gloria, one of them saw the diner.
They know we're here. We need to pick up the pace.
Paracons to death.

Speaker 24 What about the refugees?

Speaker 3 We think we know where they are. Get this.
It's a Romney for America headquarters.

Speaker 20 They even have a Mitt Romney here?

Speaker 3 I mean, of all the political candidates to be on another planet.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Because of that. Because of the Mormon planet thing.

Speaker 19 What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 Isn't that a Mormon thing? If they're good Mormons, they get their own planet when they die.

Speaker 4 They do. Wait.

Speaker 3 Is this Mitt Romney's planet?

Speaker 4 His planet?

Speaker 3 What if Mitt Romney has died? And he's been put in charge of this planet. And now we're under attack by space Mormons.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 3 I think Casper's a little delirious because he almost got killed by the time gun. Huh, I must get killed by the time gun.

Speaker 3 We're going to get these refugees out of the Romney headquarters, and then we can hide out at the diner until it's time to go.

Speaker 16 Great, but we're stuck at the precinct.

Speaker 22 This could take hours.

Speaker 3 I got you covered. Sit tight and be ready to move, okay?

Speaker 4 Great.

Speaker 20 Do I even want to know?

Speaker 3 It's going to be fine. Turns out this is a double jailbreak day.

Speaker 4 Casper? Yeah.

Speaker 3 We've got to get into the Mitt Romney headquarters. Right.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 3 There's, uh...

Speaker 3 There's a local camera crew outside the headquarters. Yeah? You're thinking Hewell Hauser? That's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 4 That's not bad.

Speaker 3 I'll go steal a camera.

Speaker 10 You can't be serious.

Speaker 5 Who is Huell Hauser?

Speaker 4 I can't believe this is happening.

Speaker 11 Is this another one of your crazy plans?

Speaker 15 I'm sorry, let me pull one of my responsible plans out of my back pocket.

Speaker 5 David, what is about to happen?

Speaker 4 I'm guessing you didn't grow up watching California public television.

Speaker 11 No, of course I didn't.

Speaker 4 I can't believe I'm 820,000 light years from Earth, and I still cannot escape this nonsense.

Speaker 28 Okay, I've got got the camera let's roll all right now we are inside well let's look at this place hello there what's your name who are you louis get a shot of this person here we are inside

Speaker 28 an actual presidential campaign headquarters isn't that right uh yes what's your name charlotte hey there charlotte louis get a shot of charlotte over here in an actual campaign office so what goes on here we're running a campaign for for president.

Speaker 15 That is really something.

Speaker 28 And how's it been going? Fine.

Speaker 13 Look at all this back here. Louis, we've got all sorts of people on all sorts of phones now, don't we?

Speaker 28 Excuse me. Charlotte, what is your last name?

Speaker 7 I'm Charlotte Tobiah.

Speaker 13 I'm a volunteer organizer.

Speaker 28 Charlotte, I'm looking around here and I'm seeing all sorts of activity.

Speaker 29 I'm seeing people mailing things. I'm seeing people on phones.

Speaker 28 How do you keep your head screwed on straight around here?

Speaker 29 I'm sorry.

Speaker 28 What is this for? And what's this over here? Louis, get a shot of this over here. That there is a picture of a man in a real big hat.

Speaker 22 This is our candidate with a local business owner.

Speaker 28 A local business owner? That is really something.

Speaker 13 What does he do?

Speaker 22 I believe he's the Donut King.

Speaker 15 What is he doing? The Donut King.

Speaker 28 Louis, can you believe that?

Speaker 13 He's got himself a hat instead of a crown, doesn't he?

Speaker 4 She was this public television guy. He loved to do this impression when he picked me up from school.

Speaker 13 And here we've got what looks like a cardboard cutout of the candidate himself.

Speaker 15 Don't you?

Speaker 4 I can't believe this was his plan. I can.

Speaker 28 Charlotte, be honest with me.

Speaker 15 Do you ever stand next to this cardboard cutout and see if you're taller than him? Louie?

Speaker 28 Louis, I'm standing next to him right now.

Speaker 15 How do I measure up?

Speaker 22 Okay, can you please tell me what this is for?

Speaker 15 Charlotte, tell me more about what you're doing here.

Speaker 29 What is your life like?

Speaker 13 Are you just working day and night?

Speaker 29 Okay, I'm in.

Speaker 11 You're in. Who's holding the camera?

Speaker 29 Trust me, he can keep them going for a half hour.

Speaker 4 They're not going to notice I'm gone. Where are you?

Speaker 29 Looks like I'm in a storage room.

Speaker 29 If I were a secret refugee prison, where would I be?

Speaker 14 That transformer box is in the wrong place.

Speaker 14 Bingo

Speaker 29 ominous stairway going down, sure Laif.

Speaker 11 Be careful, there could be more of them down there.

Speaker 4 Either that or I already killed them.

Speaker 4 Shit, what

Speaker 9 they're here, the refugees, yeah, they're in some sort of energy field.

Speaker 18 May take me a minute to find the off switch.

Speaker 11 How many are there?

Speaker 3 Looks like about 20.

Speaker 29 Jesus, they look fucking terrified.

Speaker 11 Get them out of there, Lafe.

Speaker 4 I will.

Speaker 26 Time for you guys to get out of there.

Speaker 11 Yeah, what is your plan for that again?

Speaker 11 Seriously, you sent Peter to break us out of prison.

Speaker 5 Hey,

Speaker 28 everyone's doing their part today. Get ready.

Speaker 29 I'm testing out his jailbreak mode.

Speaker 29 Get it?

Speaker 29 Jailbreak mode?

Speaker 11 Hello, Peter.

Speaker 27 Hey, what the hell is that thing?

Speaker 4 Let's go, I guess.

Speaker 3 Charlotte, do you just love every second of your job? It must be so exciting.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it really is. I get to meet a lot of really great people.

Speaker 8 There's always something to do. And

Speaker 3 where's your cameraman? Right here, Huell. Just getting some B-rolls.
There he is. Louie, do we have everything we need? We could use some shots of the campaign bus.

Speaker 3 Charlotte, we would love to see that wonderful campaign bus of yours. It looks so luxurious.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, sure.

Speaker 3 I think that that would just be a fascinating thing to see. Could you lead the way?

Speaker 4 Right this way. What are we doing?

Speaker 3 Stealing Mitt Romney's campaign bus. Sure.

Speaker 3 Peter! I feel like this is not the best way to get us out of jail!

Speaker 3 Can we, everybody, hold their fire?

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 11 I'm coming out slowly.

Speaker 11 Hello, officers.

Speaker 11 My name is Gloria, and this is my robot, Peter.

Speaker 11 Not here to hurt anyone,

Speaker 11 though I see that several of you have in fact been hurt.

Speaker 4 Sorry about that.

Speaker 11 There's no need for any more shooting. We're going to walk out the door and you'll never see us again.
I highly suggest nobody reach for their weapon.

Speaker 5 Officer,

Speaker 5 what did I just say?

Speaker 4 Let's go. Okay.

Speaker 11 Thank you for your service, everyone.

Speaker 11 Also, please go get another job.

Speaker 11 Head back to the diner.

Speaker 36 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 36 Holy shit.

Speaker 3 three for three, baby.

Speaker 11 You stole Mitt Romney's campaign bus?

Speaker 3 Gloria, come on, it's a Republican bus full of refugees. Drink in the irony.
Let's go.

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 3 drive.

Speaker 11 Holy shit.

Speaker 11 Hello, everyone.

Speaker 11 Is this all of them? Not even close.

Speaker 3 This is 20. We had over 100 when they first climbed aboard the diner.

Speaker 11 Do they speak English?

Speaker 3 Uh, most of them, yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 11 everyone,

Speaker 11 sit tight.

Speaker 11 We're going to be at the diner in a few minutes.

Speaker 11 We're going to get you out of here.

Speaker 11 Everyone, please hold your applause until after the performance. Guys, up here.

Speaker 11 What the fuck is going on on this planet?

Speaker 4 No clue. It's fucked up, whatever it is.

Speaker 3 Anyone feel like we're in a human zoo, like they've done their best to fake our natural environment? It goes way beyond that.

Speaker 3 This isn't a fake town that they use to condition people or something. This is a whole planet orchestrated to look just like Earth, specifically in 2012.

Speaker 3 Are we sure the whole planet is like this? I think so.

Speaker 3 I had a look at the global satellite data.

Speaker 11 Why 2012?

Speaker 3 I don't think that's the question.

Speaker 3 I think the question is: whoever they are,

Speaker 3 how did they manage to do it? Fuck if I know.

Speaker 4 All I know is that we're leaving. Leave.

Speaker 3 There's a couple of scared kids back there. Can I show them, Peter? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 11 Look at all these people walking down the street. They all just think this is Earth.

Speaker 11 And this isn't a simulation? No.

Speaker 4 This is all real.

Speaker 11 None of them could see Malu.

Speaker 11 What are they doing to all these people?

Speaker 3 I don't know, Gloria.

Speaker 5 Stop here.

Speaker 3 At the Starbucks? Stop here. Okay,

Speaker 3 we're in a stolen campaign bus. We just broke you out of jail.
I don't know how many more mystery men are out there.

Speaker 11 Two minutes.

Speaker 8 Hey there, you're just in time. I was about to close up.
What can I get you?

Speaker 11 Just a black coffee.

Speaker 6 Bless you.

Speaker 8 I had already started cleaning the espresso machine.

Speaker 11 I figured.

Speaker 11 Big plans tonight?

Speaker 8 My friends and I are going to a concert.

Speaker 19 Fun?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You know, I did did something crazy today. I invited a random guy that walked into the shop.

Speaker 4 Really?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I don't know what came over me. I'd never do stuff like that.

Speaker 8 He hasn't texted me, so whatever.

Speaker 8 I'm kind of relieved because if he did show up, then I'd just have to try and be attractive all night, and I'm just not feeling it today.

Speaker 11 I know what you mean.

Speaker 8 Cream and sugar are over there.

Speaker 11 Thanks.

Speaker 11 Election year again, huh?

Speaker 8 Yeah, seems like it gets longer every year.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Was it happening last year?

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 11 Election season. Was it happening last year?

Speaker 4 Um...

Speaker 8 Yeah, seems like it.

Speaker 11 What about the year before that?

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 11 The year before that. Was it an election year then, too?

Speaker 8 I mean,

Speaker 11 like I said. What about when you were in high school?

Speaker 4 What's your name?

Speaker 8 Fiona.

Speaker 11 Fiona,

Speaker 4 has

Speaker 11 Mitt Romney always been running for president

Speaker 11 for as long as you can remember?

Speaker 11 Has it always been 2012?

Speaker 11 You know what?

Speaker 11 It's all right.

Speaker 11 Thanks for the coffee, Fiona.

Speaker 11 Oh, uh

Speaker 4 yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah, no problem.

Speaker 11 Are you okay?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I just

Speaker 8 got a really bad headache all of a sudden.

Speaker 11 Try drinking some water. Whenever I get a headache, it's because I'm not drinking enough water.

Speaker 8 Yeah,

Speaker 8 good idea.

Speaker 11 Enjoy the concert.

Speaker 8 Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 8 What's up?

Speaker 3 Gloria?

Speaker 11 That thing you have that shocks people? Do you have it on you?

Speaker 3 The secret handshake?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 3 Yeah?

Speaker 3 I always have it on me.

Speaker 4 Gloria?

Speaker 11 Go get me the barista.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 11 Go get me the barista.

Speaker 3 We're taking hostages now?

Speaker 11 Everyone on this planet is a hostage.

Speaker 3 Go get me the barista.

Speaker 3 Shit.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 Hardcore.

Speaker 3 Let's do this.

Speaker 3 Gloria, we need to get moving. What's a holdup?

Speaker 11 Get in the driver's seat. You're driving back to the diner.

Speaker 3 I don't know how to drive this thing.

Speaker 11 You don't need to pass a driver's test. Get in the seat.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Could have been a bus driver, right?

Speaker 3 What are the nice ones?

Speaker 3 Yeah?

Speaker 3 One who chats you up on the way to work, right?

Speaker 3 Huge thermos of coffee. You know, beat up copy of Breakfast of Champions, right?

Speaker 11 Sure, Casper.

Speaker 3 Is Leaf taking coffee orders? Because I'm sitting here. Nobody's taken my order.
A latte would be nice.

Speaker 4 Gloria?

Speaker 11 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 3 Why is Leaf carrying an unconscious woman?

Speaker 3 Someone order a barista?

Speaker 5 Casper, drive.

Speaker 3 Holy shit.

Speaker 11 Anything, Leif?

Speaker 3 All's quiet.

Speaker 3 I'm assuming the three we met were the ones in charge of the refugees. Definitely more on the way, though.
That one that Peter lasered was about where you're standing.

Speaker 3 I guess the body got teleported away. Really wanted a look at that tech.

Speaker 11 Any way you can see them coming?

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 3 That's a tough one. These guys are light years ahead of the Teds.
I don't even know how their tech works yet. I just know what it does.

Speaker 3 How are things down there?

Speaker 11 We're getting the refugees situated. I think they're going to be pretty on edge until we take off, which is when?

Speaker 3 Just a few minutes.

Speaker 11 The diner is going to take us to all the refugees.

Speaker 3 I think you're right.

Speaker 11 We're getting them all, Leif.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 what about the unconscious Barista and the walk-in?

Speaker 11 I'm working on it. Okay.

Speaker 3 Regardless, it's

Speaker 3 great to see all your faces again. It brings back a lot of memories.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry we couldn't save Malu.

Speaker 3 She was just trying to find a way out to get help.

Speaker 3 The rest of her family isn't here, I see, but we're...

Speaker 11 We're going to find them.

Speaker 11 We're going to find all of them.

Speaker 3 Everyone, this is Gloria. She runs the place now.

Speaker 3 I think you all probably remember what a bad job I was doing of running the place. I was glad when she showed up.

Speaker 4 Hi, everyone.

Speaker 11 We're going to get underway any minute now. We've got plenty of room, so spread out, grab a booth, just not that one over there.

Speaker 11 These next few days are going to be tough, but I imagine you're used to that by now.

Speaker 11 Everyone here understands what it's like to not have a place in the world.

Speaker 11 So while you're here, it may not be home,

Speaker 11 but it'll be the next best thing until we get you where you need to go.

Speaker 11 Until then, the good news is that Casper is not going to be cooking anymore.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 11 You remember how it was. Lots of white bread and bologna with mayonnaise, right?

Speaker 11 Okay, everyone. Get comfortable.

Speaker 11 It's enchilada time.

Speaker 11 Hey.

Speaker 4 Hey.

Speaker 3 You doing okay?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I cannot believe you rolled out that goddamn Hulhauser impression.

Speaker 3 Hey, Hul's gotten us out of a lot of jams, David. I stand by it.
There's something about his personality. You just want to let him in.

Speaker 3 You know who else has come in handy a couple times?

Speaker 4 No. Oh, yes.

Speaker 4 Julius Bohannon.

Speaker 3 Of the Shreveport, Bohannon. No.
Some have called me a ne'er-do-well riverboat gambler, but I stand before my creator to say that I am but a simple country lawyer.

Speaker 4 Leaf can make laser robots. Gloria runs the kitchen.
Ava's a genius. And then.

Speaker 4 And then.

Speaker 3 It's funny, all the useless shit that I was able to do, unearth those stupid things that had no purpose whatsoever, they all eventually came in handy out here.

Speaker 3 So there's that.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry about Malu.

Speaker 4 Did you know her?

Speaker 3 No, not really.

Speaker 3 I just recognized her voice because she was always

Speaker 3 yelling at her little brother. Her little brother would always

Speaker 3 take salt and pepper shakers and ketchup bottles and napkin holders and make a model of the house he was going to live in when they got to their planet.

Speaker 4 She talked about you like you were their savior. David.

Speaker 3 This place means a lot to a lot of people, but I I never meant it to mean anything

Speaker 3 to anybody. I was just trying to stay alive.

Speaker 3 I went from

Speaker 3 processing people's application for a license plate for their boat

Speaker 3 to this.

Speaker 3 I never felt good enough for it. I never felt like it was supposed to be me.

Speaker 4 I know you're mad that I snuck on board.

Speaker 3 David, there's a very strong part of me that wants you to wrap yourself in bubble wrap and be a librarian. Of course, I'm mad.

Speaker 3 But I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you chose to be here.

Speaker 3 I'm glad you're the kind of person who makes choices.

Speaker 3 I'm glad that you're bold about it.

Speaker 3 I also hate every single bit of it.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Why did we steal a barista?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Uh

Speaker 3 I don't think Gloria even knows yet.

Speaker 3 In situations like this, uh, she she acts a little impulsively.

Speaker 3 Like the last time we went to war with an intergalactic empire.

Speaker 3 I would love to say that hostages are a new thing, but there was this guy Ted one time. I'll tell you about it later.

Speaker 4 Ow! What?

Speaker 36 Hey, Shmoopy.

Speaker 1 How are you doing?

Speaker 31 Did I get captured by the bad guys in the off chance that I'd be able to talk directly into your head like this?

Speaker 36 Maybe. What's happening?

Speaker 4 It's a little bit.

Speaker 31 I hope you guys haven't been murdered.

Speaker 31 The bad guys tried to imprison us, but guess who got muckle waned? We have one of their ships now.

Speaker 37 Hey, hey, hey, look, look, look, give me the phone.

Speaker 9 Hey, hey, hey, hey, Casper. How's uh, how's being a gigantic douche working out for you, huh?

Speaker 4 Anyway,

Speaker 31 we've got the diner signal up on the navigation thingy, and we're heading in your direction.

Speaker 38 Now, listen.

Speaker 31 I know that these few hours away from me have been very difficult for you, dummy.

Speaker 4 But don't worry.

Speaker 31 Very soon now we can get back to our usual routine of me ignoring you and you bringing me things.

Speaker 9 Get excited.

Speaker 31 Oh, okay, going through a wormhole.

Speaker 26 Bye.

Speaker 3 Casper, what's going on? Ava's talking into my head now.

Speaker 4 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I bet you must love that.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 They found the sisters. They stole a ship and they're meeting us at our next stop.
Cool. I gotta go tell Gloria.

Speaker 3 He actually does love that.

Speaker 4 Oh, I know.

Speaker 4 Leaf. We're okay.

Speaker 3 Five seconds.

Speaker 4 Are you sure? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Your move, bitch.

Speaker 3 Nice.

Speaker 4 This is a good job,

Speaker 3 right?

Speaker 27 We open at six.

Speaker 3 Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Burtbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Society of Bethany's, Banjo Bethany.

Speaker 4 Oh, Bethany, where art thou?

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Speaker 3 Local marsh hag dressed as a sweet old lady with a harmless apple for you. Eat the apple, Bethany.

Speaker 3 This episode boldly beckons a bigger batch of brilliant by names brewing a bubbling Bethany stew to broaden the best finale roux. Dr.

Speaker 3 Punt Gusher Esquire may have instigated the Bethany Wars, but he's too busy giving out candy bars from your youth. Scout and Foxglove say the floor is lava.

Speaker 3 Red Nell, Kurdomsky, Zachary Langerer, Bug, Tony, Chuck McFinley, Hazel Hayes, Velocity Girl42, Little Dragon LD, Ben Carlisle, Garf Uncle, Anna Kearney, Ashley Strange Lilia, Jim the Curious Puppy, Starblaze Burnbright, Imzuki Oki, Red Mafia Panda, Luke Gabo, Mike Cairns, Zachary Stowell, Chris Hinkle, Pikeman Stover, MLK NOC, Dakota Slotsky, Scrizzles, Flap, Casey Judson, Kitty Kitty Kitty, The Firekeeper, Peace Reaper, The End is Nigh,

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Speaker 3 Johnson, A Dragon Sitting on Its Horde of Dice, Wendell Whitaker, Smivey, Globed Roulette, Ruby Gaddis Ben Dojo, Andrew Fuller, Dane and Deb, Xander Hicks, Fedashini Alfredo, Amalgamus Pax, Pebbles, Vivi Heim, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, AI Conductor, Nick Borrow, Midnight Plumber, Mr.

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Speaker 3 Flower, Kella Ti Arena, Fall of the Berlin Wallaby, Parmesan Goose, Kenzie and her best friend Jacey, Jen Rhodes, Kevin Lutra, Lauren Mayer, Jake the Cook, Alan Berglund, Dylan Winslow, V.

Speaker 3 Greenlee, Courtney Morris, Ryan Abbey, I hope something good happens to you today.

Speaker 3 Yes, you, Wasabi Lube Moonshine, Wasabi Lube's Mum, Turtle Boy, Arwen the Freer, Fridgepigle, Jacqueline Snyder, Basil in Their Tea, Keegan Diamond, Ron Hayden, Whisper Dan, Mad Maddox, Tim Carew, Push Lynchen, Sitting Squirrel.

Speaker 3 Can I get a patty milk? Takes offense at your disrespect, so I'm going to make you say physicist. Red the Gray, Dalen Foles, I needed someone to make the TARDIS reference.

Speaker 3 Auden, Gregory the Chaos Maker, Athanasios Nasir Shou Kat, Kiboko, Mr. Satan, Theo, Lil Kev, Kozamine, Jonathan Burton, Mr.

Speaker 3 Man and Lady, Joey B, Ali Malik, DJK, DJK, Mixed Terran Van Edtinger, Sandalwood Mountain, Whimsical Fuckery, We've been trying to contact you regarding your time traveling dimension-spanning diners extended warranty.

Speaker 3 Patricia the Time Lord, Mango Connoisseur, Rain Rain, Owen Sucedo, The Lactating Shizno, Suckett Blue, Glory Cole, Janelle Miaonet's Cat Butler, The Gentleman, Lou Rodenko, Just Alex, Eden DePooz, Andrew Oakden, I only listen for the names at the end, Avalon, Asymmetrical Exile, Eliza Travels the Universe, Mike Anzavino, Lindsey Bowen The Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spence, Galaxy Britches, Angry Ron, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, I Hate Samores, The One and Only James Harlow, The Cosmos Cruising Cadillac, I'm Not Joe's Dad, Jasmine James, Dr.

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Speaker 3 Phoenix, Kimber Derp, Mr.

Speaker 3 Timms, Dead Weight, The Harbinger Pulsar, Kinetic Fox, Angel and Lucy, The Twisted Twigster, Murty's Mama, Faye Queen, Core, Uopschnart The Probability Demolition Expert, Mason Jeffrey Showtime Hester, C.R.

Speaker 3 Iptid, For My Mother, Homer, Are We Doing Crimes, Two Vegetarians in a Toxic Relationship with Burger, Clementine's Alter Ego, Melissa Winskill, Nicole Studioso, Sign My Shovel, A Talking Dog Named Bronk, Javi Osorio, Just a Potato, Indigo Escargo, Love My Captain, Joe Malma, Castriff, Ames Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, Snarky Bark00, The Cowboy, Gainesville Fear Garden, Abby Kramer, Utred and Rose's Viking Void Vittles, Thylacine, Not Sure What I'm Doing, River Brown, Scullacy, Warped Writer, Tim Nacy, Ruben Klamso, Joe Mama, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Entering Her University Graduate Era Tomorrow, What's Next?

Speaker 3 Nobody knows!

Speaker 3 Charlotte Tobaya, Glennis Thompson, Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Good Grief People I Need to Breathe, Dreamy Pothos, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck, Oh Mamama, Droughtbreaker, Glorbnar7, Dooser Likes No Thinky, Thinky, Just Dewey, The Other Adele, Chef Gal Val, Leah Hall, Sarah May, Mr.

Speaker 3 Arnie Arbuckle Sr., The Church Grimm, Sierra Not From Arkansas, Zku,

Speaker 3 Ebenezer Boob, Midwest Corn Sweat, Caleb Tubiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, Jake Cascade, Digital Floof Lost in Time, Potion Maestro, Jen, The Milkman, Nebula Nell, Shriek the Mighty, Regulators, Mount Up, Mad Yogi Eileen, Mr.

Speaker 3 Meepod, Palace, Rebecca Pope, Mario Busca, Brian O'Neill, The Almighty Cheese Wizard Havarti, Edward Pena, I am Annie. I live forever in every moment I've existed.

Speaker 3 I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift.

Speaker 3 The Stone Fox, Sierra Smith, Solivia, Kyle from Detroit, Juiciton, Marauder Mitch and Pandergast, Papitos, Boomhauer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, prove to me that orange cats aren't gods.

Speaker 3 Ridwards, Ashley Soros, Momo's Mama, Tony Tony Tony, Toast, Sue Watts, Fickle Phil, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Mr.

Speaker 3 Triggvy, Printing with Cats, Riley, Khaleesi Del Mar, Dixie Dinah, River Waters, Amanda Noscarella, Jose Zatino, Sonny the Stag, KBS 1017, Sarah Jack Sparrow Space Pony, Revibe, Debbie E, Emma, AJ and Aaliyah Owalewa, Dusty Ventures, Ronnie Porter, Eagle Rock Lobster, Mary Like the Virgin, The Phoenix Bird 8 Gabby Painter's Lump of Coal, Now we wait.

Speaker 3 Wandering Wenjo, Painted Oni, Q Dell, Pharrell, Betty Hayes and the B-Team, Emily with Two E's, Drowsy Rousey, Space Man Nathan, Ramsey's Nib Lick the Third, Kerplunk, Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble, Mad Goat, Jackie Wavelet, Issa the Straga, D.

Speaker 3 Greitzler, Jeep Style, A Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's Brain is Weird, Space Rooster Randy Doing Crimes, Leopard Donut, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Matt Matt Sharkman, Steelo, Shakes Stick at God, Arcadia, Bumbling Lily Bee, Scipio Dudah, Buffy's Daughter, Emeric, Bufarti's Nuts, Panda, Curtis Lellig, Tristan Stoles, Shadow Rapture, Leaf's Bastard Son Brizzo, Hank the Wonderlama, Russell, Zephyrus Wind, Alexander Nunes, Jeremy Ibsen, What the Hell, Cineplex, and all the black people of North Carolina.

Speaker 3 Just Rachel, Short Dick Nick, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Tora Smash, The Podcast for Nerdy Jews, Merp Derp and Cheesley, Axel, Patty the Ginger, Ava Cigarette Ash, Tim Lynch, Anne Morris Garay, A, Zeus, Anaphylaxis, Mythical Mantis, Jack's Nightmare, Scav with Comtex, Kiddin's Girlfriend Brooke, The Subaquatic Goblin, Unbarriable Conundrum, Kelly Tobin, Jenny on the Blockchain, Angry Leaf's Laser Saw, Keith Collins, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Mr.

Speaker 3 Me, Myself and I, Jeff R., Randy Zamigo, Gremlock, Katie Mermaid and the Delinquent Duo, Norman, Nicole, Witchikat 13 Loves IPAs, The Sheets, She Slit, Security Chief Shatzi, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Naya Nix Reno, Robert Frankenberry, High Life, Kat Carruthers, Rear Admiral Jack Inhoff of the USS Rimjob, Honeybee, Nordalbash, Jordan, Arwin X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Joanne, Team Hefeweisen, Monica and Mason K, Tony Wants to Be Laif, Supermassive White Hole, Brunswick and Pastel, Ryan Burnett, Christy Casey, The Timid Ghost 23, Xivia's Mom, Dr.

Speaker 3 Dr.

Speaker 3 B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots, The Geneva Accords, Rest in Peace, Mikey, Uncivil Gnomes, The Rat Queen Evelyn, Midday Salsa, Letty Lou, Tibby, You're Telling Me A Shrimp Fried This Rice?

Speaker 3 Kinger was here. Bobby Ray Winland Jr., Irish Wristwatch, Bebaba Doowop, Warped Echoes, Lord Robert Otardis, he's bigger on the inside.
Jeremiah Franco.

Speaker 3 Isaiah Coleman may not have been around much recently, but he still thinks y'all are great. Heart emojis all around.

Speaker 3 Celestial Warlock, Gabby Hayes, my wigglebutts, natural blue, so we made it, Kiana Crow, Fossil Diver84, Micah Collins, Cody McClure, Eternal Champion, Jingolos, Eris, Goddess of Discord, Billy the Space Wizard, Ditzy Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, I Am a Lafe on the Wind, Static Ego, Some Fucking Swamp Wizard Slipped and Is Now a Frog, Lolly, Evan M.

Speaker 3 Dobson, Going to Be Lit, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Omega 9, Frank and Afield, Sally Sell Seashells by the Seashore, Colorado Southpaw, Fuzzle McBumpernitz, Neelix Tinywolf, Lux the Dragon, The Red Planet, The Incredulous Mahurga Fergal, Definitely Not an Android, Seriously I'm not.

Speaker 3 The Wandering Welshman, Dane Koloff, Whatever Tabby, Peggy Lewotsky, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, Scott Gygax, Glenn Morris, Tequila Mockingbird, Goose, Giga Goose, Damarin, known to the Otters as Slippery Slope, Locksmith Andy, Sophia in a Fur Coat, Iso Pale, David Livingston, Rose Alt, Hopeful Ghost, Nate the Milkman, Mags the Conqueror, Wes and Heather have made it.

Speaker 3 Verge's cigarette ash, Eric, Katie Kate, get your colonoscopy. It's the Grand Chahi's birthday.

Speaker 3 Victor Cassados, Smigs, Emily Shmemily, Work for Melvis, Von Grimm, Bohogo, Bye-bye for Jojo, Pogo, that's a no-go, bro.

Speaker 3 Cody Monster, Magical Computer Mage Mason, The Gabber newspaper sounds like a ridiculous name, but they help protect democracy in Florida.

Speaker 3 Charismo, Miss Nixie, Baby Baiten Lee, Amber King, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Priya Gandhi, Wandering Mermaid, understands the assignment, Lil' Stevie Pie, Return to Sender, Green Mountain Hermit with Azure Blue Eggs.

Speaker 3 This is the emergency wartime beacon of 2 PolarCat. We need your support.
Please report to the nearest Space Cat Base Camp.

Speaker 3 Carl the Teller of Dad Jokes, At least Six Gyms, Skylab's Multidimensional, Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Nikki H., Annie Crafts Anywhere, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Young'an, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Supercalifragilistic XP Alex Nickel, Jimbo Jet, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Kelly W., Holly Hooten, Alec Manning, Pyros Calling, Introducing Reese Pontiff as the 18th Doctor, Too Many Jens, Catjot, Pamela Rose Eltierra, James Spiller Rosa, D-Squared Life, Thinsteena Says, Countess of Carbon, Luminous Elk, Rodian Caution, Love is for the Nyerds, Taz Hernandez, It's Just Tyson Now, Karza Roth the Illusionist, Joe is the Writer's Room, Devin7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Lost Basan, Estelle, Kim Sell, Silly Goose Honk Honk, Ghost Saberwolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Mr.

Speaker 3 Alex Sir, Sarah Joy, Dolores Gara Schnapp, Tators, Precious, Teddy of the Wasteland, Daniel Gregory, Dr.

Speaker 3 Glass, Sweets, Shar Noble, Mere Tender Creatures, Amanda Short, Whitby, Destroyer of Worlds, Chuck Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, Ben Bar, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wasanasen, Virestria, Spoomples, Fernwood Gal, Stop What, Twinkle Tots, Shocking Developments Nearby, Phantom's Moms, Callison, Horn Swaglin Daniel Arthur, Mike Laclusi, Dex, It's a, it's a fucking dock rapture, King Humble, We'd Better Ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborne Welsh, Fireball XL5, Alexica Habaniera, Code Stranger, One Batty Bat, Ha ha ha ha ha ha, Matt N, Julia Kringlin, Phrelp, M.

Speaker 3 Lin, Feed Ma Fish, JRR on SFP, Lahari, Rekka Ayumu, Teds Loves Catherine, JSpark, Eevie Girl, Lucid Harbor, Diet Knight, Mars Royalty, Take 20 Damage, Maisie's Bandstand, Kimbob, Battle Pope and Bugaboo, Snorts McGorts, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Unexciting K, Atlas B.

Speaker 3 Hold it now, hold it now, hold it now, hold it now. Hit it! Drop it now! Dodge it!

Speaker 3 Bradley Ashby, Aang Ree, Peter, Megan Okeo, William Dyer, Vicki A Bear, Brad Munier, Jane, Hannah Dale, Phantom Zone, Stabby Cacti, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Kill Shot Betty and her Steel-Eyed Bow, Turtles All the Way Down, Jackie Lowy, The Little Pigeon, Crow Nation, Crazed Bear, Ivinala, Dr.

Speaker 3 Lattice Trash Angel says, Roll for Initiative. Yes, my brain is weird.
Thank you.

Speaker 3 Petting Dogs, Baby Bears Love the Diner, Corey Morose, Russell Money, Jane G, Max Savage, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Aranetta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Watcher, Jimmy Snims, Lord Than and Lady Sarah, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer and Her Prismatic Chickens, Criddle, Heidelberdy, Tom Webster, Arashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Rad Dolls, Salazar the Dome Age, The Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's Finest Garen Elizondo, Terrified Toddler, Alkalized Tertiary Amines, Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Lily Davis, Sarah Maguire, Tonka 2005, Cruzen B.

Speaker 3 Anthony, J.

Speaker 3 Way Mythical, Tybalt I, Stephen Schmidt, Xavier Romo, Tess Bart, Alley Frog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Talon Lawson, Freya Titmittens, The Fontucky Wrangler, Jessica Shelton, Scrim Brulee, The Singing Loon, Zuzana, Celeste Yos, Stepon, Infinity Times Infinity, Noah and Katie, Joe R., Sarah Murphy, Justin at the Tree Cave, The Ambergler, Boodles, Reaper, Osvaldo Simeoni, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Hot Plate of Biscuits and Gravy, Zehuni Veda, Barbarian Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Teds, Corrine Sabrantha, Beatrice Bodacious, Kyle of Light, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mack, The Something Something Detective Agency, Hayabuddha, Eli the Electrician, Charmay, The Wondrous Methazophon, What Jenica Said, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnekin Robert, Flat Doug, Trinket Coralee, Deary Darling, Books Shift Managed, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole23, Victor in Cincinnati, Gracefully Impaired, Jack Lane, Tired Pirate Muffin, Jay Snoosten, Laura, Roman Ronin, John Pruitt, Camel Camel Pope, Land of Felines, and Schuldigan, Cryptesia, Rebecca Trossel, Mitzi Lou, Kelsey Home, Casper's Number One Fan, Amanda Marie Catherine, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Lola, Deli Cruise, Why'd you do this to us, Joe Fisher?

Speaker 3 Matt Mosby, Harry Fishnuts, Joshua Cody, Astronaweeb, Starlight, Berserking Off, David Pierini, Techno Ranger Rick, Mossy, Lecoq de Francaise, Virgo Aries Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Ashley, A Bug Named Nat, Potato Nation, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Rusty Accord, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Dan Bowman, Paul A.

Speaker 3 Johnson, Killer Odd, Dandy Bay, The Green Street Major, Creator67, Majolanth, Laife's One True Love, Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, Incorrigible Ross, Deborah Wales, SCRB Mark11, Courtney Depona, Reedle the Beetle, John Dew, Maggie's Yarm, Stew, Enth Anomaly, Megan the Mighty, Purple Saline, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Anomalous Vandal, Captain Blepp, Eevee Power, Your Favorite Kenny, Terry, PJ Says What?

Speaker 3 Danielle L, Shiny Melon Fear Now, Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Tonight at 11, Doom,

Speaker 3 Ilate Raul, Hicks Bezi Mates, Disco Funkslinger, Zealous Pragma, Tuba Rick, Princess Donut, The Queen Anne Chonk, It's Just Blake, Alice Malice Palace Chalice, and Aurora Borealis, Sir Cat Dad, Kelly Jane Danky, Aaron the Optimist, You Are Loved, Lucrezia, Andrew Barner, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Broccoenie, Ava, no, not that Ava, the one with an E

Speaker 3 grip.

Speaker 3 Zacky Nat, Underwater Corvin, Spizzeringtom, Michael Christian, Ransom, Marun Mai Salil, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyralis, Om Vega, Dances with Burritos Likes Chili Cheese Fritos, Fiona Malisey, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R.

Speaker 3 the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Tracy, Maloran, Brian Barletta, Kara, Call Me Zen, Calibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, The Dread Pirate Fred Fretberger, What the Chuck, Purple Death, Sono Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatowichi, Justine Burbank, Inky the Kraken, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful squire Grabthar, Ruth McCormick, Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, and existentially, Exhausted Bean.

Speaker 3 I can bail them out of jail.

Speaker 4 Lori, was it my time?

Speaker 4 I just disappointed.

Speaker 4 I love that this is chapter 40.

Speaker 3 Laser saw.

Speaker 3 All right. That was great.

Speaker 3 Thank you for the Charles Bronson of it.

Speaker 3 But I do think it's like you just ran there and laser sawed. Gotcha.
So just a little out of breath, maybe. Got it.
Got it. Got it.

Speaker 3 Laser saw.

Speaker 3 why

Speaker 4 why

Speaker 4 I don't know what the

Speaker 4 because it's funny.

Speaker 3 Look, it's funny. I know.
We can all feel the funny. Yes, I know, I know.

Speaker 4 But also, why?

Speaker 3 I'm out here fucking murdering bad guys.

Speaker 4 Like, I'm literally cutting them in the most funny way.

Speaker 4 It's comedy.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 3 Laser saw.

Speaker 4 Sorry.

Speaker 3 I don't think there's an unfunny way to do it in the recording situation.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 It's all good.

Speaker 3 Go recording. It's going to be fabulous.

Speaker 11 Go get me the barista.

Speaker 3 Shit.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 Hardcore. Let's do this.

Speaker 36 Hey, Hey, Shmoopy.

Speaker 6 Hope you guys haven't been murdered.

Speaker 9 Hated it.

Speaker 6 Hope you guys haven't been murdered. I can't say murdered.

Speaker 36 It's my favorite thing.

Speaker 4 Why can't I say it?

Speaker 4 But this is, of course, not a normal situation.

Speaker 11 It's not?

Speaker 4 Tell me how far.

Speaker 4 Sorry.

Speaker 4 it's not,

Speaker 4 Claudia. And I'm not questioning it at all.

Speaker 4 I think you know that.

Speaker 4 What are you talking about? The punctuation.

Speaker 11 And I'm not questioning this.

Speaker 4 She's like, no, no, no, it's not. You're gay.

Speaker 11 And again, thank you.

Speaker 8 So is Fiona, incidentally.

Speaker 38 Your global campaign just launched.

Speaker 39 But wait, the logo's cropped.

Speaker 40 The colors are off. And did Legal clear that image?

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Speaker 39 Learn more at adobe.com/slash go slash express.

Speaker 34 You're invited to the most exclusive event in Berkshire Bay. Same old recycled guest list.
Which may include the occasional murder suspect.

Speaker 38 Murder? There's never been a murder in Berkshire Bay.

Speaker 34 Enter our martini-loving socialite.

Speaker 40 I'm Dorinda Mansfield, and this is my daughter, Stacey.

Speaker 34 Instead of mingling with her peers, Dorinda would much rather investigate their scandalous crimes.

Speaker 40 If I've learned anything in the last year, it's that desperate people resort to desperate measures.

Speaker 38 Something, something horrific has happened. I think she's dead.
Oh my god, he's dead.

Speaker 34 Oh my.

Speaker 38 She's been stabbed in the back. One of us is the killer.
It wasn't me.

Speaker 34 When mysterious deaths are afoot in Berkshire Bay, the Mansfields are on the case.

Speaker 40 We have become known for our amateur detective work. This was a homicide.
I'm sure of it.

Speaker 34 Enter the world of Mansfield mysteries, where Martini's motives and murders isn't just a tagline, it's a lifestyle.