Chapter 39: The Interrodrome!

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Speaker 5 Previously on Midnight Burger, you know, say what you will about the Teds, at least they came out and said, hey, we're the Teds. We suck.
We embody everything you hate about modern society.

Speaker 5 But now we have these guys.

Speaker 6 Multiple anomalies in a structure for assessment of hostile. Thread level minimal.
Design and integrate. What is their deal?

Speaker 5 What do they want? Why do they sound so funny? Also, breaking news. Diner free.

Speaker 7 When one of them has a dead battery.

Speaker 6 David, on board?

Speaker 8 The reception sucks out here.

Speaker 5 But our top story tonight, scientist says nice thing to some dude. Hey, um, you're great.
And then gets abducted by the bad guys. Expedition processing.

Speaker 9 Hey, hey, hey, watch the meat folks there, but

Speaker 5 where are they taking her?

Speaker 6 Hello?

Speaker 9 Does anyone in there have a cigarette?

Speaker 6 Oh, right there. Okay.

Speaker 12 Let's see.

Speaker 5 Kazi, Tita, Labuza, Effie, Zebulon, and Ava all trapped by the mysterious bad guys.

Speaker 5 I'm sure this is bad news, but for who?

Speaker 5 If only there were some sort of episode coming up that would answer that question.

Speaker 5 Let's start the shift.

Speaker 13 There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, and hydrogen, and oxygen, and nitrogen, and rhenium,

Speaker 13 and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, geranium, and iron, aramycium, ruthenium, uranium.

Speaker 13 Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, and lanthanum, and osium, and astatine, and radium, and golden, protactinium, indium, and gallium, and iodine, and thorium, and thulium, and thallium.

Speaker 9 Anyone want to take the next verse?

Speaker 6 Describe your relationship to the construct.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry.

Speaker 9 I just can't take you seriously with those voices anymore.

Speaker 9 Those aren't your real voices, are they? It's hard to be casual, right? Like, how do you order coffee?

Speaker 18 Deliver to me a caramel macchiato, half-whip.

Speaker 9 Baristas would shit themselves.

Speaker 11 Oh, wait.

Speaker 9 I'm seeing the appeal now, because that

Speaker 9 would be funny. Isn't this a bit?

Speaker 9 Are you having a little fun time over there with your boom-boom voice?

Speaker 6 Describe your relationship to the construct.

Speaker 9 Do me a favor. Say something goofy with the big voices.
Say, big fluffy bunnies.

Speaker 6 Big fluffy bunnies. Stop it.

Speaker 9 That's great. That's great.
I am pro big scary voice now. How can I get a helmet?

Speaker 17 I want to join up.

Speaker 6 Answer our question.

Speaker 9 You didn't ask me a question.

Speaker 6 Describe your relationship to the construct.

Speaker 9 Okay, here's how this works. A question

Speaker 9 needs to end with a question

Speaker 19 mark.

Speaker 16 Okay?

Speaker 9 Also, it helps if there's a little upturn at the end to get rid of any confusion. Let me show you.

Speaker 9 Are you guys fucking stupid?

Speaker 6 Like that. We will continue to withhold food and water until you answer our questions.
That's fine.

Speaker 9 But uh, could I get a magazine or something? Ooh, do you have highlights? I really like finding the hidden objects.

Speaker 19 We have no magazines.

Speaker 6 We are authorized to use whatever means necessary to extract the information we need. Also, hold all the magazines we don't have.
Stop it

Speaker 6 comply with our demands or we will resort to harsher measures

Speaker 6 so

Speaker 9 what's the dynamic here are you two equals or is there somebody in charge

Speaker 9 see usually it's the person who doesn't say much who's in charge But every time this one opens his mouth, he sounds like a moron.

Speaker 9 So are you the guy who calls the shots around here?

Speaker 6 Sure.

Speaker 9 But I mean, who's really in charge? Like, are you the one always fucking up and he's the one who cleans up your mess? That's the sense I'm getting.

Speaker 6 You are attempting to use psychological tactics to impede our interrogation. We have been trained to resist such tactics.

Speaker 17 Oh?

Speaker 9 Trained?

Speaker 9 That's interesting.

Speaker 16 Trained by who?

Speaker 6 The processing point.

Speaker 21 I'm speaking.

Speaker 9 Processing point.

Speaker 9 That's interesting.

Speaker 6 What is your relationship to the construct?

Speaker 9 Parocessing point.

Speaker 9 I've been trying to get a read on you guys since I got here. Parrocessing point.

Speaker 6 So.

Speaker 9 It's a regimented society, one in which people are processed like a resource. People are resources where you come from.
Okay, but resources are meant to be consumed. Consumed by who?

Speaker 9 There's a hierarchy then. So, it's a hierarchical society, but that could be a lot of things.
Probably not a political one. Y'all don't seem like the voting type.
Militaristic?

Speaker 9 No, no, you're aggressive, but not militaristic. You're not trying to grab territory.
But there is a plan of some kind, right? Attacking us was part of some plan. Who makes plans?

Speaker 9 It's not a corporate structure, is it? No, that really needs to exist in some sort of credited system where wealth can be accumulated. You're not accumulating wealth.
Your technology is too advanced.

Speaker 9 So, we're not talking about wealth or power or territory. We're talking about what?

Speaker 9 Ideas. Somewhere out there is an ideologue.
Yes, a philosophy. There's a central philosophy to all this.
It's a caste system.

Speaker 9 People are born into a role. They play that role out until they die.
No. No, you're both true believers.
You believe in what you're doing.

Speaker 9 So it's almost religion or philosophy approached like a religion, like it's unerring.

Speaker 6 But

Speaker 9 you're both also scared out of your minds right now. Even through your stupid voice filters, I can hear the fear in your voices when these interrogations don't go well.

Speaker 14 What are you scared of exactly?

Speaker 14 Aha.

Speaker 9 The Pharaoh.

Speaker 9 That's it. A single, godlike emperor that paralyzes you with fear.

Speaker 14 So, who is it?

Speaker 9 Who are you scared of right now?

Speaker 6 We are striving to create balance.

Speaker 9 There you go, number two.

Speaker 9 That's what I like to hear. Tell me more about that.

Speaker 6 Stop talking. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Speaker 9 Don't listen to him, number two. He's not even here right now.
It's just you and me.

Speaker 9 Talk to me about the balance.

Speaker 9 See, people like you, aggressive ideologues, that's what you are, by the way, in case you were wondering, people like you generally don't strive for balance. They strive to advance, to push outward.

Speaker 9 That is, by definition, imbalanced. Empires rise and fall.
So, if you're striving for balance, why do you attack things?

Speaker 9 You attacked us, which must mean we're the enemy of the balance you're talking about.

Speaker 17 I'm sitting here.

Speaker 9 I haven't had food or water for about 24 hours and you say it's because you're trying to create balance.

Speaker 9 Balance of what, number two?

Speaker 6 Stop talking to him!

Speaker 10 Did you hear something, number two?

Speaker 9 I didn't. Must be the wind.
See, once upon a time, it took the full might of an intergalactic empire just to trap us in three galaxies. You're much more advanced than that.

Speaker 9 You can travel temporally, spatially. You're the most advanced goons we've ever encountered.
And we're messing up your plans.

Speaker 9 And since we work on a universal, multiversal scale, then, well,

Speaker 9 your plan has to be that big, doesn't it?

Speaker 9 What's the plan number two?

Speaker 9 Balance.

Speaker 9 You know that doesn't exist, right? There's no balance in any universe. It's all just lurching forward.
Nothing's brought into balance. You do understand that, right?

Speaker 6 You have no idea what we are capable of.

Speaker 9 Yeah, you're right. I probably don't.
But are you aware of what you aren't capable of?

Speaker 15 Oh, come on, guys. This is getting good.

Speaker 24 Attention.

Speaker 24 Maintain your duties.

Speaker 10 Maintain the balance.

Speaker 21 Do all for the balance.

Speaker 25 Fuck. That was so stressful.

Speaker 6 She's so mean.

Speaker 19 Why is she so mean?

Speaker 19 Well,

Speaker 26 here we are in this room.

Speaker 26 I

Speaker 26 am

Speaker 26 unhappy.

Speaker 26 Yes,

Speaker 27 I am

Speaker 26 going

Speaker 27 to have

Speaker 28 so many words

Speaker 29 with that woman

Speaker 26 as soon

Speaker 27 as I see her face again.

Speaker 26 It would be helpful to know her mind.

Speaker 26 Just a bit helpful, Zebulon.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 26 Wonder where we've been brought to?

Speaker 26 Some sort of enclave for our enemies?

Speaker 6 Some sort of foreboding castle?

Speaker 30 We've been through the dang ringer with that woman. And she just picks us up and drags us into a great big mess.

Speaker 26 And what is that loud contraption that keeps trying to have a look at us?

Speaker 28 Are the walls of Jericho going to come tumbling down if she shares with us what's going on in that head of hers?

Speaker 26 Here it comes again, dear.

Speaker 30 Now, I have long since abandoned any expectations of politeness coming from her direction, but a few words right before we were snatched up? Is the creek gonna flood if such a thing occurs?

Speaker 26 Dear, I understand

Speaker 26 your frustrations, but perhaps we prioritize just a bit since we are trapped here in this

Speaker 26 wherever we are.

Speaker 30 What's to be done, Zebulon? All we can do is sit here till there's some sort of development.

Speaker 26 Here it comes again.

Speaker 26 Surely, this wasn't thoughtless of her.

Speaker 30 I think we were on the way, and as she headed to the door, decided to grab us up as an afterthought.

Speaker 26 Dear, does that truly sound like the Ava we know?

Speaker 19 No,

Speaker 30 it doesn't.

Speaker 30 The Ava we know sounds like this. Ooh, sciencey schmeinsy.

Speaker 6 I'm so smart. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 30 Obscenity.

Speaker 26 I feel as though you're not quite capturing the essence. I

Speaker 27 am

Speaker 27 unhappy, Zebulon.

Speaker 26 Dear,

Speaker 26 can we, just for a moment, consider why Ava may have purposefully brought us along on this little sojourn of hers?

Speaker 27 Here it comes again.

Speaker 28 I suppose I'll consider it for

Speaker 27 a moment.

Speaker 26 All right, then.

Speaker 26 I think we can both agree that Ava did not do this as some sort of elaborate lampoon.

Speaker 30 All right, yes.

Speaker 26 A bit mad? Yes, certainly. But we must assume there is method within that madness.

Speaker 11 Must we?

Speaker 26 She made some sort of remark as we were swept away.

Speaker 26 Something about our captors not knowing their upsides from their downsides.

Speaker 28 I remember.

Speaker 26 They don't know what's going on either, she said.

Speaker 27 What are you getting at, husband?

Speaker 26 Do you recall that time young Nick Howard came to the farm?

Speaker 30 Oh, yes, I do. He was a shifty one, that Nick Howard.

Speaker 26 He was going farm to farm, trying to see who was willing to sell and who wasn't. Now, you knew this, but you invited him in regardless.

Speaker 30 Because I wanted to see what he was up to.

Speaker 26 He was trying to suss you out.

Speaker 27 And I went and sussed him right back.

Speaker 26 Correct.

Speaker 28 Ava's trying to have a look at our captors while they're having a look at her.

Speaker 26 Precisely.

Speaker 26 Huh.

Speaker 30 It ain't the worst plan in the world, but there is a flaw in it.

Speaker 26 For even after she's done with all that sussing, we are still the prisoners of those we've sussed. Exactly.

Speaker 26 Oh!

Speaker 28 She intends for us to get her out of this particular mess.

Speaker 26 Which is why she has brought us along.

Speaker 26 And which could have been explained if she'd only taken half a moment. We could have had it explained to us better, that is for certain.
But

Speaker 26 let's not ask the impossible. She operates best within vagaries.

Speaker 9 Which I will be adding to the list of things we will be having words about.

Speaker 27 But now is not the time.

Speaker 26 I wonder what she means us to do.

Speaker 30 There's no way to know. Let's wait for this malevolent eye to take another look.
Then let's start messing with things.

Speaker 26 Here it comes again.

Speaker 26 Take my hand, dear. Put on the whole armor of God.

Speaker 31 It's certainly a novel concept.

Speaker 21 Adorable, even.

Speaker 19 Though most use cases are facile at best.

Speaker 31 True, though they seem to have fared better than the others.

Speaker 21 What are we meant to do with it all again?

Speaker 31 Still, no word from the benefactor on the three descendants. But the representative and the anomaly are under strict scrutiny.

Speaker 19 This would, of course, be much better handled by ourselves.

Speaker 31 Yes, but you know that is not the way.

Speaker 21 They must tilt before they become balanced.

Speaker 19 Some of them tilt far more than the others.

Speaker 31 Speaking of which.

Speaker 6 Reporting in. Reporting in.

Speaker 31 Where is your helmet?

Speaker 6 A right here.

Speaker 12 I have it right here. You wear the mask until you are the mask.

Speaker 19 That is the rule. Oh!

Speaker 19 But um...

Speaker 6 Well, but

Speaker 6 his air volume is malfunctioning.

Speaker 6 It won't be repeated soon.

Speaker 31 Do not make excuses for him.

Speaker 21 This is no way to present yourself to us.

Speaker 19 Put on the helmet. But just.

Speaker 6 But it's. Put it on.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 Report. The representative is still

Speaker 6 unresponsive to our questions.

Speaker 12 Coercive techniques?

Speaker 6 We have denied her food and water for twenty-seven of her hours now.

Speaker 19 And she seems to

Speaker 6 yes.

Speaker 21 She seems to.

Speaker 31 She seems to enjoy it that's as we expected.

Speaker 19 She is oppositional in nature. Find alternative tactics.

Speaker 31 For the sake of the balance, remove your helmet.

Speaker 31 Disgraceful.

Speaker 6 What he was going to say.

Speaker 21 Don't speak for him.

Speaker 8 She seems to learn more about us with each interrogation. It's like

Speaker 8 she's interrogating us.

Speaker 31 Interesting.

Speaker 21 This could work to our advantage.

Speaker 19 If we give her the illusion of advantage, she may be more forthcoming.

Speaker 31 Agreed. Continue your interrogation.

Speaker 31 Use your best judgment.

Speaker 6 Our best judgment? Yes.

Speaker 21 Whatever you think is best.

Speaker 8 I don't know if that's such a great idea.

Speaker 6 Thank Thank you. We will continue our

Speaker 6 interrogation.

Speaker 31 For the balance.

Speaker 21 For the balance.

Speaker 20 For the balance.

Speaker 6 For the

Speaker 6 balance.

Speaker 5 Best judgment?

Speaker 5 What does that mean? What do they want us to do?

Speaker 6 I don't know.

Speaker 33 I don't know what they want us to do. They want us to do something.
That's clear.

Speaker 33 how did we even get this assignment why won't they tell us what to do remember in times of stress focus on your duties to create balance

Speaker 19 i can get my helmet fixed yeah yeah we'll go fix your helmet okay and then we'll think no

Speaker 34 things went well for a while we had structures built the geothermal plant was working we had two architects who were working on the initial city plans that's when they showed up

Speaker 34 there were more of them this time, a whole army.

Speaker 29 Nothing I tried on them worked.

Speaker 34 They've all got these shields that I can't break through, and they've got weapons that can just blip you out of existence.

Speaker 9 Leaf thinks they're time displacement weapons.

Speaker 6 I've never even heard of that.

Speaker 9 Their guns aren't making you disappear. They're making you reappear somewhere randomly in space, time, and dimension.

Speaker 18 Who's Leaf?

Speaker 9 My engineer.

Speaker 18 Okay,

Speaker 34 well, whatever they are, they didn't want to kill us. They captured us and separated us from the colonists.

Speaker 29 We have no idea where they are.

Speaker 9 But they haven't been interrogating you?

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 5 It's weird.

Speaker 34 They've kept us isolated in the cell zero contact.

Speaker 37 Ava, you were saying that the diner had been stranded on Earth?

Speaker 9 As soon as Casper started hearing your message, we were attacked. That's when we were stranded.

Speaker 37 At least I know the message was getting there. It was a bit of an experiment.

Speaker 9 Yeah, how did you do that, by the

Speaker 29 You did?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 37 Whenever there's a person of biological interest to me, I place a monitor on them.

Speaker 9 Biological interest?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 37 His body was acting differently than the norm. I decided to monitor it.

Speaker 9 But he was a prisoner of the Teds for a long time. Wouldn't they have found a monitor?

Speaker 37 My technology is organic. It can't be detected.
It would just look like a beauty mark.

Speaker 9 The one on the back of his neck?

Speaker 9 Yes. So you've been monitoring his vital signs this whole time?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 37 The signal would go in and out. I'm assuming because he was traveling.

Speaker 9 How did you stay connected to it?

Speaker 37 Entanglement. Cool.
As soon as the signal came through Strong again, I attempted to broadcast a message to him through the monitor. I imagine that's when you arrived in this universe.

Speaker 9 Can you see his vital signs right now?

Speaker 37 I can, but now they're distorted somehow.

Speaker 9 They must be on the move.

Speaker 29 You're not stranded anymore?

Speaker 9 I think we may have gotten pulled out of the mud. It was a whole thing about having two Cadillacs.
I'll explain later. I think we need to assume that they're back on the move and they're headed here.

Speaker 34 To Cryptesia?

Speaker 37 Yes. Just like Labuza said they would.

Speaker 14 They could be headed anywhere. How do we know they're headed here?

Speaker 9 There's one way to find out. The diner has a preprint.
There's an energy signature that shows up a few days before the diner. Really? We need to get out of here so we can try to detect that signature.

Speaker 29 Then we're back to this.

Speaker 29 There's no way we're getting out of here.

Speaker 9 Maybe not.

Speaker 22 But

Speaker 9 I've got a wild card.

Speaker 15 What is it?

Speaker 9 I brought the Mucklewains with me.

Speaker 29 The radio people?

Speaker 34 What the hell are they gonna do?

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 9 I think you'll find find the Mucklewains have expanded their portfolio since the last time you saw them.

Speaker 9 How's Labuza?

Speaker 37 Still not speaking.

Speaker 34 She blames herself for all this.

Speaker 34 She couldn't see them coming.

Speaker 9 Has this happened before?

Speaker 37 With enough focus, we found she can predict anything.

Speaker 37 She can miss things, but only when she's distracted or focusing on another prediction. She should have seen something this significant, but it was a total blind spot for her.

Speaker 9 I want to get a look at her math so bad, Kazi.

Speaker 37 Get us out of here, and we can show you everything.

Speaker 6 Proceed with us to the interrogation point.

Speaker 9 My chariot has arrived.

Speaker 9 I do declare, with all these gentlemen callers, how is a lady meant to have time for keeping herself so pretty?

Speaker 9 Oh, it's such a tough room, guys. Seriously.

Speaker 20 Proceed with us.

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The interrogation interrogation point.
Sure.

Speaker 38 Remember, you are loved.

Speaker 24 What are you prepared to do for that love?

Speaker 9 You need cooler names for things, guys.

Speaker 9 The interrogation point just isn't doing it for me.

Speaker 6 Do not speak until we reach the interodrome.

Speaker 19 Nothing?

Speaker 6 Your strange behavior will not distract us from our objective.

Speaker 9 Oh, number two.

Speaker 9 You think this is strange? You're about to have the weirdest day of your life.

Speaker 9 Hello,

Speaker 9 odd.

Speaker 6 What are you doing here?

Speaker 21 What is it?

Speaker 12 How did you get here?

Speaker 19 Ah.

Speaker 8 Hello there.

Speaker 31 Explain yourself. Well,

Speaker 6 I'm Zeppelon Muckawain, here with.

Speaker 6 Oh?

Speaker 21 It's the pastor.

Speaker 6 The pastor?

Speaker 21 From the anomaly.

Speaker 31 What is it doing here?

Speaker 19 Explain yourself, please.

Speaker 6 Didn't mean to intrude. We're simply taking a bit of a walk and found myself here.

Speaker 19 A bit of a walk?

Speaker 32 You're inside our core matrix.

Speaker 4 You cannot simply walk in.

Speaker 6 I suppose I should have been told that before I walked in.

Speaker 31 I'm initiating a data burst.

Speaker 21 Our scans of the receptacle have revealed very little.

Speaker 21 This may be an opportunity.

Speaker 19 As am I.

Speaker 21 But we have directives from the benefactor. Surely it's worth the risk.

Speaker 31 For a time. Objection.

Speaker 19 Logged noted.

Speaker 6 Hello. Hello.

Speaker 21 Can you tell us how you came to be here?

Speaker 6 I don't mean to be stuck in my ways, but I do believe that introductions are important.

Speaker 19 Of course.

Speaker 21 It has antiquities built into its interface.

Speaker 31 For what purpose?

Speaker 21 To make us more comfortable.

Speaker 19 For what purpose?

Speaker 21 I don't believe it's tactical. I believe it's to ease user interface.

Speaker 19 I'm not put at ease.

Speaker 14 We are the Shimmislid.

Speaker 21 We are a master control intelligence matrix. Oh, no, no, that won't work.
Let's see. What is the most accurate description considering your interface?

Speaker 21 We run things around here.

Speaker 6 Ah.

Speaker 19 I see.

Speaker 6 So it only takes three of you then.

Speaker 10 It seems quite complicated.

Speaker 21 We manage.

Speaker 6 And when you say around here,

Speaker 6 what would you say here

Speaker 6 pertains to?

Speaker 21 A great many things, really. For the present moment, you are on a ship, and the three of us run everything on this ship.
I see. It's called the Vesna Shelma.

Speaker 6 That is a lovely name.

Speaker 19 Thank you.

Speaker 6 And what is it you do here?

Speaker 21 We strive to maintain the balance.

Speaker 6 Balance of what, pray tell?

Speaker 21 Of everything.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 might I suggest there be more than three of you for that task.

Speaker 19 And we have numbers far greater than the three of us.

Speaker 6 Yes, I believe I've met a few of those numbers before.

Speaker 6 You have.

Speaker 21 You have indeed.

Speaker 6 Not the most pleasant of meetings.

Speaker 21 I apologize. We are very passionate about our mission.
We feel we must neutralize anything in our path.

Speaker 6 And we are in your path?

Speaker 21 I'm afraid so.

Speaker 6 And what is that path?

Speaker 20 That's enough, questions from you.

Speaker 12 Why are you like this?

Speaker 6 A bit more specificity in that question would be helpful.

Speaker 19 This?

Speaker 12 You're obviously highly advanced, and yet this

Speaker 12 shell of an antiquated earthling, I don't understand.

Speaker 21 Why do you present yourself in this fashion?

Speaker 6 That is an interesting thought.

Speaker 6 I have an old friend.

Speaker 7 Ron Hayden was his name.

Speaker 6 Grew rice, as most of us wound up doing back then.

Speaker 6 Not much to him, Ron Hayden. The sort of fellow you could easily lose in a crowd.
But one day, Ron was on his way back from church and something blew across his path like a tumbleweed.

Speaker 6 It was

Speaker 6 a hat.

Speaker 6 A dusty black bowler hat.

Speaker 6 Wasn't really the style in our part of the country.

Speaker 5 Not quite sure where it came from.

Speaker 6 But he found that it fit like a glove when he'd put it on and well

Speaker 6 now Ron Hayden had a new hat didn't he

Speaker 6 now you could pick Ron out in a crowd he was the one with a bowler hat

Speaker 6 after a time you began to see Ron change a bit more confident a man not afraid to speak his mind during town meetings

Speaker 6 Even managed to nab himself a bride after we'd all written him off as a bachelor farmer. It was as if he had been waiting this whole time for something to complete the picture.

Speaker 6 A centerpiece for the man he wished to be.

Speaker 6 Somehow, it was a hat that completed him.

Speaker 6 Odd, don't you think?

Speaker 6 It does beg the question, what makes a man?

Speaker 6 How do we choose to be the one we present to the world?

Speaker 6 What is the centerpiece that sums up our parts?

Speaker 19 This is interminable.

Speaker 31 I'm unconvinced this is worth the risk.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry. And how would you say you fit into this little gaggle we have here? What do you mean? I seem to be perfectly perched between niceties and skepticism over here.

Speaker 6 How do you enter into all of this?

Speaker 31 This is how the Shimmaslid function.

Speaker 31 We are the core matrix of the system. One that invites, one that attacks, and one that adjudicates between them.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 39 rulers three, like the old Romans.

Speaker 19 Making you Caesar.

Speaker 6 Which one's Pompey and which one's Crassus, would you say?

Speaker 6 We are not Romans.

Speaker 21 Zebulon, can you understand our confusion when we are trying to interact with you?

Speaker 6 of course

Speaker 6 there is quite often confusion from folks when i open my mouth but sometimes that confusion is from my own wife you are not alone the wife

Speaker 6 your wife is a separate entity from you but you are part of the same operational system as are we my wife and i are joined in the bonds of marriage and have chosen to live two lives as one.

Speaker 6 But there are certainly differences between us.

Speaker 31 And what is your relationship to the construct?

Speaker 6 Construct?

Speaker 19 Midnight Burger.

Speaker 6 Ah,

Speaker 6 for Effie and myself, it's been a home away from home. A locus for many an adventure where we've met a variable parade of friends and interesting folk.

Speaker 31 Were you created with it?

Speaker 19 Created?

Speaker 6 I mean, does anyone remember the point of their creation?

Speaker 6 My first memories are of a hayride when I was just about four years old.

Speaker 6 How about y'all?

Speaker 31 Why are all the residents of Midnight Burger from Earth?

Speaker 6 Frankly,

Speaker 6 I'm confounded how anyone ends up anywhere.

Speaker 20 This is obstinacy.

Speaker 31 We brought down your construct and trapped it on Earth.

Speaker 31 Why don't you stay dead when we kill you?

Speaker 6 This is the crux of it, yes?

Speaker 6 I see.

Speaker 6 They don't know what's going on either.

Speaker 8 That's what she said to us.

Speaker 6 But in my experience,

Speaker 6 things from time to time

Speaker 6 will not stay dead simply from you killing them. I'm sure that must frustrate you.

Speaker 6 Are you certain you're not the Romans?

Speaker 21 May I suggest something?

Speaker 31 Of course. He was talking to me.

Speaker 21 We'd like to get to know you better, Zebulon, but perhaps my colleagues are being a bit too confrontational.

Speaker 21 What would we say to a lively debate? A discussion.

Speaker 6 Oh?

Speaker 21 A nice discussion may be a satisfying way to acquaint ourselves with one another.

Speaker 31 Approach, please.

Speaker 21 One moment, Zebulon.

Speaker 5 What are you doing?

Speaker 31 I have the same question.

Speaker 21 Confronting Confronting him directly will do us no good. He is shielded by a feigned ignorance.
We need a way to draw him out. He seems to enjoy the discussion of intellectual ideas.

Speaker 21 We draw him out and wait for weaknesses to be exposed.

Speaker 31 What are we to discuss?

Speaker 21 Could be anything. We'll let him decide.

Speaker 19 I don't trust its presence here.

Speaker 21 Yes, but let's not forget our mandate from the benefactor.

Speaker 21 Very Very well. Zebulon, let's play a game.

Speaker 6 I like games.

Speaker 21 It's called Small to All.

Speaker 6 How does it work?

Speaker 21 You seem to be a learned man. We take something small, a book, perhaps, and through that book, we investigate something much larger.

Speaker 6 This sounds enjoyable.

Speaker 21 We'll pick the big idea.

Speaker 21 Anyone have something?

Speaker 12 I'll choose the topic.

Speaker 19 The inviability of earthlings as a species.

Speaker 21 Oh, Oh, very large.

Speaker 14 Now, Zebulon, you choose a book.

Speaker 21 A book through which we'll debate this large idea.

Speaker 19 I think we all know which book he's going to pick.

Speaker 6 Gulliver's Travels.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 9 There's yttrium, yabitrium, actinium, rubidium, and boring, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, and stromium and silicon, and silver and samarium, and bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.

Speaker 9 And take it, number one!

Speaker 9 Not a musical culture, I see.

Speaker 6 How did the construct free itself from earth?

Speaker 9 So the diner isn't trapped on Earth anymore?

Speaker 9 See, I didn't know that.

Speaker 9 And now I do.

Speaker 6 I

Speaker 6 meant to say that. Yes.

Speaker 9 Yes, because you're the smart one.

Speaker 6 How did the construct free itself from her?

Speaker 9 Just say the diner.

Speaker 6 It's not a diner.

Speaker 9 It is a diner. I've eaten there.

Speaker 6 So...

Speaker 6 So anywhere you've eaten is now a diner?

Speaker 9 Oh, look at you, number one. Trying a little Socratic jiu-jitsu.
Have you been taking classes?

Speaker 6 Answer his question. Uh-oh.

Speaker 9 Looks like number two didn't get the memo.

Speaker 9 Pst.

Speaker 9 Number one.

Speaker 9 Number two thinks you were genuinely asking the question.

Speaker 9 You guys really need to have a meeting before the meeting.

Speaker 13 You know what I mean?

Speaker 6 It's not a diner, simply because you ain't there.

Speaker 9 And welcome everyone to the semantic debate portion of the evening. Up next on the schedule, what defines a diner? Is this really the question you want to focus on?

Speaker 6 It's more than a diner.

Speaker 9 Hey, nice work, number one.

Speaker 9 Look at you reconfiguring your approach. 10 points to Slytherin.

Speaker 6 Answer the question! What is Slytherin? Oh no.

Speaker 9 We're confusing number two again.

Speaker 9 Sorry. Number two,

Speaker 9 Slytherin is an earth term for

Speaker 9 sycophantic users of gel. Thank you.

Speaker 6 Now what is gel?

Speaker 9 Don't act like you don't know, number two.

Speaker 9 I can already tell that yours is a gel-using society. Standing there in the morning, looking in the mirror with a palm full of purple goo, trying to keep those flyaways down?

Speaker 9 Maybe if my hair is perfect, it will impress the God Emperor.

Speaker 6 You don't have a God Emperor!

Speaker 9 No, you call him something else, though, right?

Speaker 9 The Exalted One, the Overmind,

Speaker 9 the Prophet?

Speaker 6 The Mediterranean!

Speaker 9 Ah, see?

Speaker 9 I was right. Ten points to Ravenclaw.

Speaker 6 If you do not answer our questions,

Speaker 6 our tactics will become more extreme.

Speaker 9 Shove it up your butt, number one.

Speaker 6 We will continue to deny you food and water until you're begging for mercy.

Speaker 9 Until I am what?

Speaker 6 Begging for mercy.

Speaker 9 You listen to me, you grubby little shitbird. I have never begged for anything in my life, and I will not be starting now.

Speaker 9 You think you can hurt me with this Guantanamo base starter peck bullshit?

Speaker 9 The more you disconnect me with my physical body, the more powerful I become, number one.

Speaker 9 Keep this up, and I will get to a point where I see straight through you like you were made of glass noodles.

Speaker 9 You diet caffeine-free stormtrooper.

Speaker 9 How are you doing over there, number two?

Speaker 6 Oh, my God, this is so great.

Speaker 6 Sorry, Rico

Speaker 6 Shit.

Speaker 6 So

Speaker 9 I was right about the gel

Speaker 9 That's more like it

Speaker 9 water

Speaker 9 Its necessity frustrates me.

Speaker 9 Have a seat, boys.

Speaker 9 Let's talk,

Speaker 9 Rico

Speaker 33 sit down.

Speaker 9 So, what are your names

Speaker 6 Rigo?

Speaker 9 Hello, Rigo.

Speaker 9 How about you, number two?

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 6 Darence.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 6 That's my name. I know.
Derrence.

Speaker 9 I'm not calling you that.

Speaker 18 You have to. It's my name.

Speaker 9 That's a ridiculous name. I am not calling you that.

Speaker 18 You can't call me something else.

Speaker 8 Just watch me.

Speaker 33 Rebecca. Can we focus on something else, please?

Speaker 9 You're human. Or at least you look human.
Have you got suckers on your hands under your Boy Scout uniforms?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 40 No?

Speaker 9 How about you, Sally?

Speaker 6 We're not humans.

Speaker 9 You look exactly like humans.

Speaker 17 No, no,

Speaker 39 we're not human.

Speaker 5 We don't know why we look like you.

Speaker 14 Did you think to ask?

Speaker 6 We

Speaker 33 didn't know of your existence until recently.

Speaker 6 Uh-huh.

Speaker 7 Surprise. We

Speaker 33 were told that you were a pale imitation of us.

Speaker 33 That you were a malevolent race that was trying to slowly undermine ours. And that you were a dangerous threat.

Speaker 17 Uh-huh.

Speaker 9 Were you and Allison over here a part of the team that abducted me from Earth? Yes.

Speaker 9 So

Speaker 9 you've been to my planet? Yes. And does my planet...
Honestly, look like a threat to yours? Not at all. Oh.

Speaker 33 You have the construct?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 33 you have the construct. That construct is incredibly powerful, and it's in the hands of humans like you.

Speaker 9 The diner.

Speaker 29 Not a diner.

Speaker 9 The diner that you attacked and neutralized.

Speaker 4 We thought we did.

Speaker 9 But then,

Speaker 9 we broke free.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 17 And we want to know how. Let me test something out.

Speaker 6 Abigail.

Speaker 9 What have we done that is threatening to you?

Speaker 6 To me? Um. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 18 What have you done?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 9 What have we done that's threatening to you?

Speaker 9 We're this huge threat to you, apparently.

Speaker 9 What have we done?

Speaker 6 I don't.

Speaker 9 You don't know.

Speaker 9 You don't know how we're a threat. You just know that we are.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Because that's what you were told.

Speaker 18 Yeah, that you're a direct threat to the balance. Aha.

Speaker 14 The balance.

Speaker 9 We're back to this again.

Speaker 9 What exactly are we the enemy of again, Brunhilde?

Speaker 14 What is this balance?

Speaker 8 It's what we strive for.

Speaker 33 Complete balance in the universe.

Speaker 9 In the universe?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 9 And what's that supposed to look like? Complete balance in the universe.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 33 the universe tilts forward to a catastrophic end. It's a straight line into oblivion.
We're going to take that straight line and make it into a circle. An unending balance.

Speaker 6 Uh-huh.

Speaker 9 You know the Milky Way is currently flying through the universe at a speed of 1.24 million kilometers per hour.

Speaker 9 There's also something out there called the Great Attractor that's currently pulling about a hundred galaxies toward it at around 600 kilometers per second.

Speaker 9 We don't know what it is, but we know that it's big.

Speaker 9 But that is nothing compared to the fact that the entire universe is infested with dark energy that is constantly pushing everything apart and will eventually lead to something called the Big Rip, where the universe expands to such an enormous size that space and time

Speaker 9 literally shred themselves, and the universe counterintuitively reaches zero size, and all distances diverge to infinite values. We get so big that we become small.

Speaker 9 But you're saying that you guys are going to what balance all of that out?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 How?

Speaker 18 By

Speaker 33 bringing our minds into balance.

Speaker 9 Your minds?

Speaker 6 Our minds.

Speaker 33 And the minds of everyone in the universe.

Speaker 9 Your minds.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 9 Your minds

Speaker 9 are going to stop galaxies from uncontrollably careening through the universe toward their inexorable destruction.

Speaker 18 Not just our minds.

Speaker 8 We're taught a mind creates the body, and the body creates a house, a house creates the world,

Speaker 18 the world creates a galaxy, and a galaxy creates...

Speaker 8 creates

Speaker 19 a universe.

Speaker 18 And one day the benefactor will harness the power of all the minds, and it all stacks up in the universe, and he'll use that power to bring the universe into balance.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Once his work is complete, there will be no more destruction or pain.

Speaker 33 The universe will be a circle, constantly in balance, and we will live in that balance forever.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 14 I must say

Speaker 9 that

Speaker 9 is the stupidest bullshit I have ever heard in my life.

Speaker 33 You say that now,

Speaker 9 but you'll see. No, I won't.
And neither will you.

Speaker 9 How far off is your big boss man from achieving his dreams? How much of the universe does he control?

Speaker 18 Well, uh, well, we control this entire galaxy.

Speaker 6 All of it.

Speaker 9 Really, Millicent?

Speaker 16 A whole galaxy?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 That's impressive.

Speaker 6 Right? I know.

Speaker 9 You realize that there are between a hundred billion and two trillion galaxies in this universe, right? Um.

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 6 There are?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 9 How many did you think there were?

Speaker 6 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 6 Five?

Speaker 11 Five?

Speaker 9 Sweet Jesus, Marion.

Speaker 11 Oh, wait.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 9 Okay, right.

Speaker 9 They are keeping you both real dumb so that you don't peek behind the curtain. Is that it?

Speaker 6 Peek behind a cur?

Speaker 6 There's a curtain?

Speaker 6 This is amazing.

Speaker 9 Do the two of you know anything about the universe you live in? No, of course you don't. Your minds are being harnessed to create the balance.

Speaker 9 You realize that to harness the power of someone's mind, you have to keep them real, real dumb, right?

Speaker 6 Where's the curtain? We'll

Speaker 33 resume this interrogation

Speaker 6 later. Good call.

Speaker 8 There's a curtain?

Speaker 9 Let's hope the boss doesn't know about the epic shot.

Speaker 33 She said there were two

Speaker 8 trillion galaxies.

Speaker 33 This interrogation is not going well.

Speaker 19 What are we going to do?

Speaker 33 We can't go back in there, Rego. Oh, no.
We can't go back in.

Speaker 33 We have physical fitness now. Oh, yeah, right.
If we alter our schedule, they'll know something's wrong, right? Act like everything is going fine. Right, and there's no curtain.
We'll try again later.

Speaker 5 She sort of scares me. Yeah.

Speaker 5 She scares me too.

Speaker 35 There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Speaker 35 Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Speaker 35 Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Speaker 35 Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

Speaker 35 There's only one DC.

Speaker 35 Visit washington.org to plan your trip.

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Speaker 6 All right, then.

Speaker 10 Where have we found ourselves?

Speaker 10 I see.

Speaker 10 Inhabiting an automaton once again, so be it. Dear, where did you end up?

Speaker 6 Zebulon?

Speaker 10 Lord, in your infinite wisdom, have you split me and my husband apart for this little adventure?

Speaker 6 Very well.

Speaker 10 Let's have a look at me in these mirrors.

Speaker 6 What intarnation am I wearing?

Speaker 10 I may be made up of nuts and bolts, but that's no reason for me to be walking around in my unmentionables, Lord.

Speaker 10 Ridiculous.

Speaker 6 Though,

Speaker 10 I suppose there's no room for modesty. Time's a wasting.

Speaker 10 Where is the exit?

Speaker 8 Begin physical fitness program.

Speaker 9 Please wait for fitness android to begin.

Speaker 6 Fitness, what now?

Speaker 8 Stop saying that.

Speaker 19 There's a curtain.

Speaker 6 A curtain.

Speaker 19 There's a curtain.

Speaker 6 Look,

Speaker 33 I'm having a hard time not freaking out right now. Having to constantly calm you down is making me freak out more.

Speaker 18 It's all just too big.

Speaker 18 Two trillion is too many.

Speaker 33 And where's the curtain?

Speaker 6 Hey, look,

Speaker 37 it's physical fitness right now.

Speaker 36 This is your favorite part of the day, right?

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Don't think about that other stuff.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 33 Just focus on this right now.

Speaker 19 All right. All right? Fitness.

Speaker 7 I like fitness.

Speaker 18 Okay, that's a good idea. Thanks, Rico.
I'm gonna, you know what? I'm gonna go talk to the fitness droid.

Speaker 19 Why?

Speaker 8 I'm gonna make a I wanna make a request.

Speaker 4 Fine.

Speaker 5 I'll bring it back.

Speaker 5 Excuse me, excuse me, fitness droid.

Speaker 18 Hi, Darren with an eye. Can I make a request?

Speaker 18 I suppose. Could we do something today that's a little, I don't know,

Speaker 6 something that will make me happy? Happy? Yeah.

Speaker 18 I don't want anyone to know, but I'm just feeling down.

Speaker 18 And I'd just like to feel really,

Speaker 6 really

Speaker 6 any other way.

Speaker 10 I see. Is that okay?

Speaker 6 Is that all right? Sir,

Speaker 10 how about you

Speaker 10 tell me exactly what you'd like me to do?

Speaker 18 Well, it's just that we usually just do a bunch of exercises, and I'm not complaining. I'm a good,

Speaker 18 but I'm kind of in crisis right now, and I'd really like to do something that makes me happy and not think about curtains.

Speaker 9 Exercises?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 10 And you'd like some sort of physical engagement that's going to make you happy.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 9 Because

Speaker 9 that

Speaker 10 is what I do.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 6 All right then.

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 6 Head back in there.

Speaker 10 Let's get started.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 18 Thank you.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Lord, for the occasional reminder of your sense of humor.

Speaker 10 All right, y'all, let's get to it. We're going to do things a little different this time around.
Y'all partner up two by two.

Speaker 9 Thanks for the ride.

Speaker 9 Can we stop at Dairy Queen next time?

Speaker 16 You're getting one star in the app, fuckheads.

Speaker 9 Disappointed.

Speaker 21 Your name is Ava

Speaker 6 Labuza? Hello.

Speaker 15 How are you doing?

Speaker 21 Kazi keeps us on a very strict sleep schedule.

Speaker 21 It's not really working for me.

Speaker 9 I've never had a regular sleep schedule, and look how I turned out.

Speaker 9 How are you doing?

Speaker 21 I don't know when things are going to happen.

Speaker 9 Obviously.

Speaker 21 I've been able to predict things for a long time now.

Speaker 21 Even before I was connected to my machine.

Speaker 21 They severed my connection to it, and now I

Speaker 21 didn't realize how dependent I was on it.

Speaker 21 Every time someone speaks, it's terrifying.

Speaker 21 I didn't mean to do this to myself.

Speaker 21 In the art of prediction, many of the people who devote their lives to it end up going mad.

Speaker 21 I didn't think that would happen to me, but I'm afraid now that it did.

Speaker 21 Have I driven myself mad?

Speaker 9 It's possible.

Speaker 9 Tesla thought Mars was trying to talk to him. Newton became obsessed with biblical prophecies.
Oliver Heaviside replaced all his furniture with granite blocks.

Speaker 29 So

Speaker 9 madness is always on the table.

Speaker 21 You're a scientist?

Speaker 9 I'm a theoretical physicist.

Speaker 6 Ever wonder if you're losing it?

Speaker 9 Oh, sure. All the time.

Speaker 9 I just never had an intense desire to have it in the first place.

Speaker 21 How's Casper?

Speaker 9 I think he's pretty worried about you.

Speaker 21 That sounds like him.

Speaker 9 How worried should he be, Labuza?

Speaker 21 Have you ever been very wrong about something?

Speaker 9 Kombucha. I never thought it would catch on.

Speaker 21 Seriously?

Speaker 9 Publicly, I'd say no.

Speaker 9 But I think it's better to think of it as having increasing degrees of rightness rather than being wrong about something.

Speaker 21 My sisters and I were born a very long time ago.

Speaker 19 For as long as I can remember, I've been working on the Vistec.

Speaker 21 It took me so long.

Speaker 21 It failed us, and now I don't know what to do.

Speaker 9 Can you tell me how it works?

Speaker 19 It doesn't work.

Speaker 9 How was it supposed to work?

Speaker 21 Prediction engines are mostly unreliable.

Speaker 21 You can't predict a particle's path without knowing its previous path. The past determines the future.

Speaker 21 For to truly work, you would need to know the full history of every particle in the universe.

Speaker 21 I thought I could circumvent that by going back to a time where there was no past, only the future.

Speaker 21 I had to observe the beginning of everything.

Speaker 23 So.

Speaker 9 so you went back to the Higgs field?

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 21 In the first few moments of the universe, what humans call the Higgs field changed and everything suddenly had mass.

Speaker 21 In those brief moments everything in the universe was concentrated together.

Speaker 21 If I could collect all the observations of the early universe, I could see everything before it became something.

Speaker 21 I could see the whole universe in its infancy, and since there was no past in that moment, I could extrapolate forward on everything.

Speaker 9 That's pretty amazing, Labuza.

Speaker 21 It worked so well.

Speaker 21 For so long.

Speaker 21 Really, the only flaw was my interpretation of the data, not the data itself.

Speaker 21 It brought us to the diner.

Speaker 21 It brought us to Cryptesia.

Speaker 21 It should have told us about whoever these people are.

Speaker 21 I don't know why it didn't.

Speaker 9 Sounds like you missed something.

Speaker 21 I have comprehensive data on literally everything, Ava.

Speaker 21 There's nothing for me to miss.

Speaker 21 Well,

Speaker 9 we're not going to figure it out talking through the wall. Let's get out of here and we'll figure it out together.

Speaker 21 I don't know what you'll be able to do.

Speaker 9 Hey, you're not the only one who tracked down the diner using a pencil and paper.

Speaker 21 I've never used a pencil.

Speaker 9 And I think we've found your first mistake. Pencils are great.

Speaker 9 Pencils can change your life.

Speaker 6 How is that?

Speaker 9 When you hold a pencil in your hand, you're holding all the amazing things you're about to do.

Speaker 9 They're the greatest repository of potential energy in the universe.

Speaker 21 Speaking of getting us out of here.

Speaker 21 Did you say the Mucklewains were going to get us out of here?

Speaker 9 Oh, yes. it is going to be great.
They're out there right now and it's about to get

Speaker 9 really

Speaker 9 weird.

Speaker 21 All jump up and never come down. Swing your partner round and round until you make a hole in the ground.

Speaker 3 Promenade two by two.

Speaker 42 Get them around like you ought to do. Promenade eight.
Promenade around everybody dance.

Speaker 6 This is the promenade.

Speaker 6 Promenade around.

Speaker 22 Bow and swing, y'all.

Speaker 6 Bow and swing. Take a little pink, y'all.

Speaker 22 Circle up. Circle up.

Speaker 6 This is amazing.

Speaker 9 What even is this right now?

Speaker 6 I don't know. I don't know.
I know, but I know what from the name.

Speaker 38 Round and around, round you go.

Speaker 42 Everybody dance.

Speaker 24 Now, dose ito and a little more toe.

Speaker 21 Chicken in the bread pan, picking out dough.

Speaker 42 Turn out now like you was a while ago.

Speaker 10 Get ready, y'all.

Speaker 27 Here it comes again.

Speaker 21 Partners side by side.

Speaker 6 One, two, three. And bullshit.
Turn to your left.

Speaker 10 and bullshit, turn to your right. Now keep it going, back to the center.

Speaker 6 I want to do this for the rest of my life, Rainbow!

Speaker 6 I've never even heard music like this before! It's amazing!

Speaker 11 Don't Jingo!

Speaker 6 Promenade on, promenade on, promenade on!

Speaker 19 Physical fitness hasn't been ended.

Speaker 19 Proceed to completion.

Speaker 10 Well, I guess that's it, y'all.

Speaker 6 I don't see y'all as the boot scooting type, but y'all did alright.

Speaker 18 It's the bestest fitness hour ever.

Speaker 18 Excuse me, excuse me, that was

Speaker 18 Thank you. That was that was

Speaker 8 amazing.

Speaker 33 I've never

Speaker 18 felt like that before.

Speaker 10 Well, it was just a little square dance, y'all.

Speaker 6 A square dance?

Speaker 18 I don't understand. We weren't even going in a square.

Speaker 18 Where does this even come from?

Speaker 10 Well, this particular one came from Arkansas, but there's all sorts.

Speaker 18 What is our Kansas?

Speaker 5 Yeah, w what planet is it from?

Speaker 6 Oh, well,

Speaker 10 Earth is the name of it.

Speaker 6 What? Ar

Speaker 18 it's from...

Speaker 18 it's from Earth.

Speaker 6 Er Earth?

Speaker 6 But

Speaker 33 that's where our enemies live.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 10 I I can't speak for the whole lot of'em,

Speaker 10 but I ain't never heard of no place where everyone's your enemy.

Speaker 6 But that's what we've...

Speaker 33 We have to go.

Speaker 6 Bye, y'all. But Rigo.

Speaker 7 Our cansaw is from Earth.

Speaker 7 That's what it said.

Speaker 6 But I know.

Speaker 4 I know. Rigo.

Speaker 18 What if she's right?

Speaker 18 How can they be our enemies when

Speaker 33 they created square dancing? 100 billion.

Speaker 33 trillion galaxies?

Speaker 5 What did you say?

Speaker 33 Come

Speaker 35 come with me.

Speaker 5 Come with me.

Speaker 6 Where are we going, Rego? To see her.

Speaker 6 Oh, God.

Speaker 6 Oh, no.

Speaker 6 Segulon!

Speaker 6 Dang it.

Speaker 6 Alright, then, Effie Effie McAwane, you are just gonna act like you're walking down to the corner store is what you're gonna do.

Speaker 10 Lord, I have done nothing if not proven my faith in thee.

Speaker 6 Howdy, y'all.

Speaker 6 Alright.

Speaker 10 I suppose I can just walk about how I please. What's this here?

Speaker 38 Destination, please.

Speaker 10 Destination?

Speaker 6 Is this some sort of people mover?

Speaker 10 I'm talking to the wall now.

Speaker 38 Destination, please.

Speaker 10 Oh, heck, all right. Where do y'all keep the prisoners?

Speaker 20 Deck 98.

Speaker 6 Hold lower.

Speaker 18 Come with us.

Speaker 9 Hello, boys.

Speaker 9 Where are your funny hats?

Speaker 18 Come with us.

Speaker 9 Oh, wait, do we switch now? Do I get to wear the helmet with the dumb voice?

Speaker 6 Please, hurry!

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 9 I'm feeling some tension here, boys. Did you two finally have a talk about your relationship?

Speaker 17 Keep walking.

Speaker 9 Very brutalist architecture in this place. Have you thought about a water feature?

Speaker 6 In here.

Speaker 9 The Enteradrome.

Speaker 9 Oh, this place is like a home away from home for me now. So many memories.

Speaker 9 Hey, remember that time I made you guys question the nature of your reality?

Speaker 7 What is the universe

Speaker 6 like?

Speaker 6 Rico.

Speaker 9 What's it like?

Speaker 9 It's not Ibiza cupcake. I can't just tell you what it's like.

Speaker 33 Is there really a hundred billion galaxies?

Speaker 9 Oh, bare minimum.

Speaker 33 Has anyone ever.

Speaker 8 controlled it?

Speaker 17 Controlled it?

Speaker 17 You're kidding, right?

Speaker 6 Have they?

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 9 Okay, kids.

Speaker 9 Let me tell you how this works.

Speaker 9 Once upon a time,

Speaker 9 there was a planet. And on that planet was a small group of beings.

Speaker 9 Beings like you.

Speaker 9 Beings like me.

Speaker 9 They were dumb, as most beings are in the beginning. They lived in caves and ate whatever didn't kill them.
They lived in squalor like that for thousands of years, not knowing any better.

Speaker 9 But then one day,

Speaker 9 one of these beings picked up a stick.

Speaker 9 And for the first time in the history of his species, something happened.

Speaker 14 He had a thought.

Speaker 9 I can pick up this stick

Speaker 9 and I can hit something with it. I can take the things that surround me and I can use them.

Speaker 9 Sadly, the first thing this creature probably did was kill someone with this stick. But lo and behold, this stick has more uses than bashing someone's head in.

Speaker 9 Soon, they had tools and huts and weapons.

Speaker 9 Turns out they can make things and pass that knowledge on to others. Life changed.
The people changed.

Speaker 9 And slowly, a very evil and seductive idea infected all of them.

Speaker 9 I can control the world I live in, they said to themselves.

Speaker 9 I could take you through the whole history. They all follow the same path, but how about we fast forward?

Speaker 9 Thousands of years go by, and look how our little group of cave dwellers has fared.

Speaker 9 They have cities now and spires that reach to the sky and

Speaker 9 throw in some other futuristic thing, like flying cars or something. I don't know.

Speaker 17 Look at how well they've done.

Speaker 17 We're so proud, aren't we?

Speaker 9 What's next for them, I wonder? They're starting to look to the stars now. They're starting to imagine a great kingdom that spans the universe.

Speaker 9 They are finding new and interesting ways to live even longer lives. Soon they'll live forever and be masters of all they survey.

Speaker 14 There are no limits, even the sky.

Speaker 9 And then

Speaker 9 a meteor hits their planet and all of them are fucking murdered.

Speaker 9 How it works is this.

Speaker 9 People like to say that the universe is a harsh and uncaring place, but for the universe to not care about you is to assume that it ever considered you in the first place.

Speaker 9 The universe?

Speaker 9 It doesn't notice you.

Speaker 9 It has never considered you. You are not on its mind.
You are just a particular configuration of dust.

Speaker 15 You are a rounding error.

Speaker 9 You are the least of the universe.

Speaker 9 Has anyone ever controlled it?

Speaker 9 Give me a motherfucking break.

Speaker 11 You've got to stop.

Speaker 9 Stop what, Twinkletots?

Speaker 33 Whatever it is you're doing,

Speaker 33 whatever we attacked you for, you've got to stop it.

Speaker 9 We don't control the diner. It goes where it wants.

Speaker 33 You don't understand.

Speaker 33 We're so dangerous.

Speaker 19 So dangerous.

Speaker 9 We're dangerous too. We've got a little robot with a laser beam now.

Speaker 5 We can't be stopped.

Speaker 33 People have tried to stop us before, and we've rolled rolled right over them. We can't be stopped.

Speaker 9 We weren't trying to stop you, dummy. We were minding our own business when you trapped us on Earth.

Speaker 6 Look, we don't want to hurt you.

Speaker 18 We really like Arkansas and square dancing.

Speaker 9 Dude, what?

Speaker 33 Dearst, turn on your shield.

Speaker 6 Okay, wait. What?

Speaker 33 Turn it on.

Speaker 37 She has to see.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 Shield is on.

Speaker 5 Do you see this chair?

Speaker 33 I'm going to take take this chair and I'm gonna hit him with it.

Speaker 6 Wait, you're gonna what?

Speaker 9 Oh my god.

Speaker 33 When I hit him with the chair, the chair's going to disappear.

Speaker 19 Gone forever.

Speaker 33 Nothing can hurt us when our shields are up.

Speaker 36 We're unstoppable.

Speaker 9 Guys,

Speaker 9 I just did a whole speech about how nothing's unstoppable. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 6 Watch.

Speaker 14 Oh, Isabella.

Speaker 14 How are you doing down there?

Speaker 22 I told you to turn your shield on. It was on.
It is on. Are you sure? Yes.
Why isn't it working?

Speaker 6 I don't know.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 36 okay, get up.

Speaker 6 Do me.

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 33 I'm turning my shield on.

Speaker 7 Hit me with a chip.

Speaker 6 Why are we doing this?

Speaker 22 I'm trying to show her that we're invincible.

Speaker 9 You're showing me something.

Speaker 33 Come on, pick up the chair. Fine.

Speaker 33 Do it.

Speaker 33 What the fuck? You told me to do it!

Speaker 9 Oh my god, it's like watching a Renaissance puppet show!

Speaker 22 Rico, what's going on?

Speaker 17 Wait, wait, can I have a turn?

Speaker 9 We've got two chairs left.

Speaker 6 Our shields aren't working!

Speaker 22 Why aren't our shields working?

Speaker 24 Alert. Security system's down.

Speaker 24 Shields and weapons inoperable. Please reboot system.

Speaker 18 Rico, I think our security system might be down.

Speaker 36 How is our security system down?

Speaker 9 Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but

Speaker 9 it was probably Jesus.

Speaker 7 So I'm to just wait here, then.

Speaker 31 They are digesting your book.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 6 Bit of a task, isn't it?

Speaker 31 Why have you chosen chosen this book?

Speaker 12 It's a fine book for discussion.

Speaker 6 One that I've come back to time and again.

Speaker 6 I had scarlet fever as a child. Nearly died.

Speaker 6 As I waited for my father to return from the city with the medicine I needed, I was in search of anything that could take my mind off the abject misery I was feeling.

Speaker 6 And I found myself taking down off the shelf an odd book by the name of Gulliver's Travels.

Speaker 6 As a child, I was fascinated by the stories of giants and little people and talking horses.

Speaker 6 But it does seem to be one of those books that when I return to it, it seems to change as I change.

Speaker 7 Thought it would be nice to discuss it with some new friends.

Speaker 31 Where do you reside, Zebulon?

Speaker 6 Me?

Speaker 6 Well, I reside at home with my wife.

Speaker 31 That device in our possession is meaningless, isn't it? Just a set of wires and an ancient liquid battery.

Speaker 8 Where do you reside?

Speaker 6 Not just looking for our postal address, I see.

Speaker 6 The Egyptians saw the soul of a man as many parts, each with their own aspect.

Speaker 6 It was Plato, I believe, who divided the soul in three: reason, spirit, and appetite.

Speaker 6 The Stoics had some sort of thought about the soul being breath, made of air and fire.

Speaker 6 I believe the Mesopotamians saw it as residing in the liver of all places.

Speaker 6 And you?

Speaker 6 It's funny that.

Speaker 6 People seem to talk at me as if I know the length and breadth of myself.

Speaker 6 Who else gets talked to in such a fashion?

Speaker 21 We have digested the book.

Speaker 19 Very well.

Speaker 31 Who begins?

Speaker 27 There's no need to begin.

Speaker 19 Explain.

Speaker 21 Zebulon, I think you may not have understood our game.

Speaker 6 Have I not?

Speaker 12 The point of the game was to use the book to debate the viability of human beings as a species.

Speaker 19 Yes, I understood that part. You have presented us with a book that concretely proves the inviability of human beings as a species.

Speaker 6 Have I?

Speaker 6 Well, then this shouldn't take long at all, should it?

Speaker 21 Can we explain?

Speaker 19 Please.

Speaker 19 I'll sum it up thusly.

Speaker 19 In this book, the protagonist is asked to explain to the Lilliputians what a lawyer is.

Speaker 12 He responds: A society of men among us, bred up from their youth in the art of proving by words, multiplied for the purpose that white is black and black is white, accordingly as they are paid.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 6 I haven't had much of a turn with lawyers in my life, but it does have the feeling of accuracy, doesn't it?

Speaker 21 Zebulon, the author goes on to prove that all of humanity works in this fashion.

Speaker 19 The book describes humanity as creatures given the gift of a complex mind, only to use that gift to rationalize their base animal instincts. Not rational, but rationalizing.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 that's fascinating. You know, I haven't heard it put quite that way.

Speaker 7 Well done.

Speaker 9 There's

Speaker 21 there's nothing to debate, Zebulon.

Speaker 6 Is there not?

Speaker 6 This

Speaker 31 is a trap.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 19 What do you mean? Full system analysis immediately.

Speaker 6 Scanning?

Speaker 19 Scanning.

Speaker 20 We are locked out.

Speaker 12 We are being bombarded with billions of calculations per microsecond.

Speaker 31 How is that possible?

Speaker 5 I don't know. What is the source?

Speaker 19 I can't determine the source.

Speaker 21 The system is overburdened. Our system is infallible.

Speaker 6 Infallible.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 if that doesn't sound like a rationalization, I don't know what does.

Speaker 31 How have you done this?

Speaker 6 It's an interesting place in life to be considered a hayseed.

Speaker 6 People will ignore you completely or write you off as a relic while they go about their lives.

Speaker 31 Purge the system.

Speaker 14 We can't. We're trapped in a feedback loop.

Speaker 21 The system is paralyzed.

Speaker 6 Well, you all sound busy. About time for me to go.

Speaker 6 Apologies for not continuing our conversation. It is an interesting book.

Speaker 6 I must say, you all remain a mystery to me.

Speaker 6 What's all this about?

Speaker 6 I suppose time will tell.

Speaker 6 There is a thought I wanted to leave you with, though I'm not sure why.

Speaker 6 It's true, at its heart, Swift's book is a damning portrayal of human society. It's hard to not feel yourself a bit roughed up by the time you reach the end of it.

Speaker 6 At the end of it, Gulliver was so scarred by what he learned of humanity that he could not even stand the sight of his own wife and child.

Speaker 6 It's a hard thing to read that book and not give up on the entire project of humanity writ large.

Speaker 6 Compounded by the fact that at times, Swift's stance is one that's very hard to argue with.

Speaker 6 Not rational beings, but rationalizing.

Speaker 6 Using our gifts to attain our animal desires.

Speaker 6 But I do have one response to Swift's book.

Speaker 6 It is a book.

Speaker 6 Books end.

Speaker 6 Humanity does not.

Speaker 6 Swift, like those before him and those after him, tried to take all of humanity and compound it into a nutshell.

Speaker 6 Sum it all up.

Speaker 6 I faced many a demon in my day, but none are more insidious than simplicity. The desire to reduce this great kingdom to black and white, night and day, good and evil.

Speaker 6 The inclination to suck the plurality out of a world so wide.

Speaker 6 That will most definitely destroy us before our selfishness.

Speaker 6 And for whatever reason, I thought you all should hear that.

Speaker 12 Until next time.

Speaker 12 Attention.

Speaker 24 Catastrophic system failure imminent.

Speaker 24 Please remain calm while contemplating the possibility of death.

Speaker 10 Well, seems this chassis is good for a few things, isn't it?

Speaker 27 Effie? You're kidding.

Speaker 6 Hello there, ladies.

Speaker 10 If you don't mind me saying, y'all have set yourselves down in quite a sizable cow paddy now, haven't you?

Speaker 17 Effie?

Speaker 10 Hello there, young one. Let me guess, you knew we were coming this whole time.

Speaker 21 I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Speaker 10 Well, you can knock all that business off right this minute. Y'all, this whole vessel suddenly has its trousers around its ankles.
If there's a time to get gone, it has arrived.

Speaker 29 Let's move.

Speaker 6 Zebulon,

Speaker 21 Lord.

Speaker 6 Hello, dear.

Speaker 10 Zebulon Hezekiah Mucklewain, do you mean to tell me that you have been sat here this whole time?

Speaker 43 Oh, no, dear.

Speaker 7 I've had quite the adventure. There's.

Speaker 7 Dear.

Speaker 7 What on earth are you wearing?

Speaker 10 I have no idea, dear.

Speaker 6 Well, regardless, tea's almost ready in here.

Speaker 10 Well, slap a cozy on it. We ain't out of the woods yet.
We still need to find my least favorite smart lady.

Speaker 19 Lead on!

Speaker 6 You three, stop right there. Oh, hi.

Speaker 6 Nope.

Speaker 36 Didn't you get the memo?

Speaker 29 Your guns don't work anymore.

Speaker 29 Go ahead.

Speaker 6 Keep trying. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 6 Ask him where Ava is.

Speaker 29 Where's the doctor?

Speaker 29 And where's my stuff?

Speaker 6 It's in the storage room, right there.

Speaker 34 Excellent. Enjoy your trip.
My trip?

Speaker 29 Effie, Effie, if you wouldn't mind.

Speaker 10 Somebody hold Zebulon.

Speaker 6 Nice.

Speaker 26 Excellent job with the doors, dear.

Speaker 6 Thank you, husband.

Speaker 19 Hello, Judy.

Speaker 37 I'm not sure how we get off of this ship, but it's too big to not have smaller ships in a bay somewhere. Attention.

Speaker 38 Abandoned ship.

Speaker 14 Please make your way to the nearest escape capsule. Shit.

Speaker 10 We still need the Vistac.

Speaker 5 Where is it?

Speaker 21 When the systems came down, I could feel it again. I think I can find it.

Speaker 10 All that's fine and good, but first, we get Ava.

Speaker 34 Fingers crossed, I get to kill somebody.

Speaker 33 What's that sound?

Speaker 9 Looks like my ride's here.

Speaker 29 Hello, you.

Speaker 16 Effie!

Speaker 9 Oh my god, what are you wearing?

Speaker 10 You know I don't control where I end up.

Speaker 9 Did you end up in a Jane Fonda workout video?

Speaker 10 Get Get your butt out into this hallway immediately.

Speaker 33 It's the descendants.

Speaker 34 Can I kill these guys?

Speaker 9 No, they're harmless. Have anything non-lethal?

Speaker 6 Flashbang?

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 7 Fire in the hole, dipshits.

Speaker 6 Um, Rico.

Speaker 18 Are our shields still.

Speaker 18 Oh,

Speaker 9 you're a handsome devil. What's your name?

Speaker 37 Is it intact?

Speaker 21 Yes, they haven't touched it.

Speaker 8 Good.

Speaker 37 Let's get out of here.

Speaker 31 The escape pods have all been launched. The ship has been abandoned.

Speaker 21 And soon we will delete ourselves from its systems.

Speaker 20 You will be stranded in deep space.

Speaker 9 Who's the Greek chorus?

Speaker 7 These are the ones I was speaking with earlier.

Speaker 26 They seem to be the ones in charge around here.

Speaker 23 I see.

Speaker 9 You wanted to have a look at us?

Speaker 9 How did it go?

Speaker 31 We learned very much, but next time we will not be so curious.

Speaker 14 That's a shame.

Speaker 9 It was the least annoying part about you.

Speaker 31 We have a message from our benefactor.

Speaker 6 Oh?

Speaker 9 Let's hear it.

Speaker 19 I'm trying to save the universe.

Speaker 9 The universe doesn't need saving.

Speaker 6 You have no idea, Dr. Maddox.

Speaker 29 Do you know what this means?

Speaker 6 What

Speaker 6 free ship

Speaker 6 This is the new one,

Speaker 31 yes.

Speaker 6 What do they call it again?

Speaker 31 The Stone Fox

Speaker 5 The Stone Fox

Speaker 31 we believe it is a

Speaker 31 drinking establishment

Speaker 6 Quaint.

Speaker 5 The barriers are still holding them.

Speaker 23 Thus far.

Speaker 6 Good.

Speaker 19 I hear that you've failed me.

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 31 Our apologies.

Speaker 31 How would you like to proceed?

Speaker 5 Send out one final command and then delete yourselves permanently.

Speaker 6 Very well.

Speaker 31 What is the command?

Speaker 6 Kill them.

Speaker 6 Very good.

Speaker 6 Command

Speaker 6 sent.

Speaker 6 Stone fox

Speaker 6 ridiculous

Speaker 5 This episode is dedicated to the memory of Alex Anderson. He lives forever in every moment he's existed.

Speaker 5 Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Speaker 5 Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, 2 Bethany, Society of Bethanies, all the non-binary Bethanies of Princeton, Texas. Some fucking swamp wizard, Krakow, you are now Bethany.

Speaker 5 The local marsh hag is kidnapping the non-binary Bethanies and making genderless Bethany stew. Jonathan Burton, Mr.

Speaker 5 Man and Lady, Paul De La Sayette, Joey B., Ally Malik, Deborah Kennedy, Mix Terran Van Ediger, Sandalwood Mountain. We've been trying to contact you regarding your ship's extended warranty.

Speaker 5 Patricia the Time Lord, Mango Connoisseur, Rain Rain, Owen Saucedo, The Big Moose, Davey Boy7 Eleven, Glory Cole, Janelle Miaones, Cat Butler, The Gentleman, Lou Rudinko, Alex Berry, Eden DePoos, Andrew Oakden, I Only Listen for the Names at the End, Avalon, Asymmetrical Exile, Eliza Travels the Universe, Mike Anzavino, Becca and Bravo from Sniffaround Town, Dan Glesak, Lindsey Bowen, The Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spence, Galaxy Britches, Angry Ron, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, I Hate Samores, The One and Only James Harlow, The Cosmos Cruising Cadillac, I'm Not Joe's Dad, Jasmine James, Dr.

Speaker 5 Caber Ant, Me as a Baby, Mason McZero, Zandria, Guacamolio, Midday Burger, Don Parks, Throat Goat666, Princess Leia, Mike Ehrman, Pumpkin Spice Monte Cristo, Dustin's Goose, Prime Freak, Walter Piakarski, Droid Pirate Friendly, Stuck in a Pit of Skittles, Drunken Coyote, Whether it's a Monte Cristo sandwich call or roll call, hearing Joe read it makes my day.

Speaker 5 Empress Loves Sweets, Happy Goat, Tony Piakarski, Adrian R., Phoenix, Kimber Derp, Mr.

Speaker 5 Timms, Tyler Hadley, The Harbinger Pulsar, Kinetic Fox, Angel and Lucy, The Twisted Twixter, Murty's Mama, Faye Queen, Cor, Oopschnart, The Probability Demolition Expert, Mason Jeffrey Showtime Hester, C.R.

Speaker 5 Ipted, For My Mother, Homer, Are We Doing Crimes, Two Vegetarians in a Toxic Relationship with Burger, Clementine's Alter Ego, Melissa Winskill, Sign My Shovel, A Talking Dog Named Bronk, Javi, Just a Potato, Indigo Escargo, Love My Captain, Joe Mauma, Castriff, Ames Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, Snarky Bark00, The Cowboy, The Gainesville Fear Garden, Abby Kramer, Utrid and Roses, Viking Void Vittles, Thylacine, Not Sure What I'm Doing, Scullacy, Warped Rider, Tim Nacy, Ruben Klamso, Joe Mama, Atomic Ducky, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, aka Queen of Positive Peer Pressure, Take Care of Yourselves, Damn it!

Speaker 5 Charlotte Tobiah, Glennis Thompson, Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Good Grief People, I need to breathe, Dreamy Pothos, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck, Oh Mamama, Droughtbreaker, Glorb Nar7, Dooser Likes, No Thinky, Just Dewey, The Other Adele, Chef Gal Val, Leah Hall, Sarah May, Mr.

Speaker 5 and Mrs. Arnie Arbuckle Sr., The Church Grimm, Sierra Not From Arkansas, Zico,

Speaker 5 Ebenezer Boob, Chekhov's Secret Military Base, Caleb Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, Jake Cascade, Digital Floof Lost in Time, Potion Maestro, Jen, The Milkman, Nebula Nell, Shriek the Mighty, Regulators, Mount Up, Mad Yogi Eileen, Mr.

Speaker 5 Me Pod, Palace, Rebecca Pope, Mario Busca, Brian O'Neill, Level 9000 Cheese Wizard, Edward Pena, The Stone Fox, Sierra Smith, Solivia, Kyle from Detroit, Juiciton, Marauder Mitch and Pandergast, Pepitos, Boomhauer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, prove to me that orange cats aren't gods, Ashley and Spencer Kurtz, Ashley Soros, Momo's Mama, OMG, I forgot about Boodles, Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Fickle Phil, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Mr.

Speaker 5 Trigvy, Eve's Thieves, Printing Printing with Cats, Zusana Kalinova, Riley, Khaleesi Del Mar, Dixie Dinah, River Waters, Amanda Nascarella, Jose Zetino, Let's Talk About It, Sonny the Stag, KBS 1017, Stelliot, Silas Vex, Sarah Jack Sparrow, Space Pony, Revibe, Debbie E, Emma, AJ and Aaliyah Owolewa, Dusty Ventures, Ronnie Porter, Eagle Rock Lobster, Mary Like the Virgin, Rosetta, Gabby Painter, Lump of Coal with Phoenix Bird, Wandering Wenjo, Painted One, Q Dell, Pharrell, Betty Hayes and the B Team, Emily with Two E's, Drousy Rousey, Ramsey's Niblick III, Kerplunk, Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble, Mad Goat, Jackie Wavelet, Issa the Straga, D.

Speaker 5 Greitzler, Jeepstyle, A Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's Brain is Weird, Space Rooster Randy Doing Crimes, Leopard Donut, Keychain Crap, Matt Matt Sharkman, Steelo, Christopher Georgia, Shakes Stick at God, Arcadia, Bumbling Lily Bee, Scipio Duda, Buffy's Daughter, Chichichuganums, Emeric, Bufard D's Nuts, Panda, Curtis Lellig, Tristan Stoles, Shadow Rapture, Leaf's Bastard Son Brizzo, Hank the Wonderlama, Russell, Zephyrus Wynn, Alexander Nunes, Jeremy Ibsen, What the Hell, Cineplex, and all the black people in North Carolina, Just Rachel, Short Dick Nick, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Torah Smash, The Podcast for Nerdy Jews, Merp, Derp, and Cheeseley, Axel, Patty the Ginger, Ava Cigarette Ash, Tim Lynch, Anne Morris Garray, A Zeus, Anna Phylais, Mythical Mantis, Jack's Nightmare, Scav with Comtax, Kennan's Girlfriend Brooke, The Subaquatic Goblin, Unburyable Conundrum, Kelly Tobin, Jenny on the Blockchain, Angry Leaf's Laser Saw, Keith Collins, Magnus Arrowchill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Mr.

Speaker 5 MeMyself and I, Jeff R., Randy's Amigo, Gremlock, Katie Mermaid, and the Delinquent Duo, Nauman, Nicole, WitchyCat13 Loves IPAs, Terminal Irony, Security Chief Shatzi, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Neonix Reno, Robert Frankenberry, Mr.

Speaker 5 Yasur, High Life, Cat Carruthers, Rear Admiral Peter Jakinoff of the USS Rimway, Honeybee, Nordalbash, Leaf's Black Gay Lover, Arwen X.

Speaker 5 Belasco, Ryan Rosensky, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Drink Spiller, Matt B., Richard Ryan Michelle, Theodore and his son Henzo, Liam McCormick, D.

Speaker 5 Flower, Kella Tiarina, Fall of the Berlin Wallaby, Parmesan Goose, Kenzie and her best friend JC, Jen Rhodes, Kevin Lutra, Lauren Mayer, Jake the Cook, Alan Berglund, Dylan Winslow, V.

Speaker 5 Greenlee, Courtney Morris, Ryan Abbey. I hope something good happens to you today.

Speaker 5 Yes, you, Wasabi Lube Moonshine, Wasabi Lube's Mom, Turtle Boy, Arwen the Freer, Fridge Pickle, Jacqueline Snyder, Basil and Their Tea, Keegan Diamond, Ron Hayden, Whisperdan, Mad Maddox, Joanne, Team Hefeweisen, Monica and Mason K, Tony Wants to Be Laife, Supermassive White Hole, Casper, You Need to Restock Ava's Stationery, Ryan Burnett, Christy Casey, The Timid Ghost 23, Xivia's Mom, Dr.

Speaker 5 Dr.

Speaker 5 B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots, The Geneva Accords, Arkansan Not Arkansas, Mungo, Uncivil Gnomes, The Rat Queen Evelyn, Midday Salsa, Letty Lou, Tibby, Nick Howard, Kinger Was Here, Bobby Ray Winland Jr., Bebop Bidaba Doowop, Warped Echoes, Jeremiah Franco.

Speaker 5 You've never seen Isaiah Coleman and Sgt Polaris in the same room at the same time, hopefully.

Speaker 5 Celestial Warlock, Gabby Hayes, My Wigglebuts, Natural Blue, Angel Morales, So We Made It, Kiana Crow, Fossil Diver84, Micah Collins, Cody McClure, Eternal Champion, Jingalos, Eris, Goddess of Discord, Billy the Space Wizard, Ditzy Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, I Am a Lafe on the Wind, Static Ego, Lolly, Evan M.

Speaker 5 Dobson, Erastus, Going to Be Lit, I Am Shaggy, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Omega Nye, Frank in a Field, Sally Cell Seashells by the Seashore, Marcellus Moore, Colorado Southpaw, Fuzzle McBumpernitz, Nelix Tiny Wolf, Lux the Dragon, The Red Planet, Shane Robertson, Definitely Not an Android, The Wandering Welshman, Anari King, Dane Koloff, Whatever Tabby, Peggy Luvatsky, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Kappa the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, Mr.

Speaker 5 Mikey Microphone, BLTN, Scott Gygax, Glenn Morris, Crushable Hale53, Tequila Mockingbird, Goose Infinity, and Beyond, Damarin the Space Goblin, Locksmith Andy, Sophia in a Fur Coat, Isoap Hale, David Livingston, Rose Alt, Hopeful Ghost, Nate the Milkman, Mags the Conqueror, Wes and Heather Have Made It, Virgis Cigarette Ash, True Purple God, Eric, Katie Kate, get your colonoscopy.

Speaker 5 It's the Grand Shaw He's birthday. Victor Casados, Smigs, Emily Shmemily, Work from Elvis, Von Grimm, Bohogo, Bye-bye for Jojo Pogo, that's a no-go, bro.
Cody Monster, Magical Computer Mage Mason.

Speaker 5 The Gabber newspaper sounds like a ridiculous name, but they help protect democracy in Florida.

Speaker 5 Chahonkmo, Miss Nixie, Baby Bate and Lee, Amber King, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Bria Gandhi, Wandering Mermaid understands the assignment, Little Stevie Pie, Return to Sender, Green Mountain Hermit with Azure Blue Eggs, Fluffy Uffy.

Speaker 5 This is 2 PolarCat. I have received your message.

Speaker 5 Please send aid to Wright Ascension 172238.2, Declination 234934, Carl, the Teller of Jad Jokes, At least Six Gems, Skylabs Multidimensional, Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Nikki H., Meathead Chris, AnyCrafts Anywhere, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngin, The One True Space Chef, Doris by Day, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Supercalifragilistic XV Alex Nickel, Jimbo Jet, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Kelly W., Holly Hooten, Alec Manning, Pyro's Calling.

Speaker 5 This is Banjo Cat, Bard of the Army of Space Cats, responding to a distress call. Does anyone copy? Please respond.
Introducing Reese Pontiff as the 16th Doctor. Too many jams.
Catjot.

Speaker 5 Texas Girl 68-23 working on the diner. Pamela Rose Eltiera.
James Spillerosa. Lord Braxton von Wendell III.
D-Squared Life.

Speaker 5 Then Stina says, Countess of Carbon, Luminous Elk, Rodian Caution, Love is for the Nerds. Taz Hernandez.
Captain Tyson. Karza Roth the Illusionist.

Speaker 5 Casper Needs a Hug, JoeISTHERIDER'S ROOM, Devin7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Nathan Ryan, Estelle, I Am Casper's Cynicalness, Kim Sell, Silly Goose Honk Honk, Biss Bist, Beads, Boar Boobies, B Birds, Boo Burverts, Bink Bink, Ghost Saber Wolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Mr.

Speaker 5 Alexer, Sarah Joy, Dolores Garrish Schnapp, Congratulations, Newlyweds, Corbin and Hannah, Teddy of the Wasteland, Daniel Gregory, Dr.

Speaker 5 Glass, Sweets, Char Noble, Mirtender Creatures, Amanda Short, Whitney Destroyer of Worlds, Chut Brimble, Aza, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, Ben Bar, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wasanasen, Virestria, Spoombles, Fernwood Gal, Twinkle Tots, Shocking Developments Nearby, Phantom's Moms, Callison, Daniel Arthur, Mike Lacluzy, Dex, It's a, It's a Fucking Dog Rapture, Drew Ryboff, King Humble, We'd Better Ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborne Welsh, Fireball XL5, Mackenzie Dunanunna, Whatever's Clever, Alexica Habaniera, Code Stranger, One Batty Bat,

Speaker 5 Matt N, Julia Kringlin, Bobby G, Frelp, M.

Speaker 5 Lin, Feed Mafish, JRRNSFP, Lahari, Rekka Ayumu, Teds Loves Catherine, J Spark, Eevee Girl, Lucid Harbor, Diet Knight, Mars Royalty, Take 20 Damage, Maisie's Bandstand, Kim Bob, Battle Pope and Bugaboo, Snorts, Magorts, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Unexciting K, Atlas B.

Speaker 5 Hold it now, hold it now, hold it now, hold it now, hit it!

Speaker 5 Casey Howe, Bradley Ashby, Aang Rhee, Spruce Box, Peter, Megan Okeo, William Dyer, Vicky Abear, Julian Barber, Brad Munier, Jane, Hannah Dale, Phantom Zone, Stebby Cacti, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her steel-eyed bow, Turtles All the Way Down, Jackie Lowie, The Little Pigeon, Crow Nation, Crazed Bear, Avenala, Dr.

Speaker 5 Lattice Trash Angel found a cool rock and a bug underneath. Wanna see? Yes, my brain is weird.
Thank you.

Speaker 5 Petting Dogs, The Mac Truck, Corey Morose, Russell Bunny, Jane G, Max Savage, Apprehensive Craig, Tem Araneta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Squatcher, Jimmy Snims, Lord Than and Lady Sarah, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer and Her Prismatic Chickens, Criddle, Heidelberty, Tom Webster, Rashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Rad Dolls, Salazar the Dome Mage, The Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's Finest Garen Elizondo, Terrified Toddler, Alkalized Tertiary Amines, Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Lily Davis, Sarah Maguire, Maguire, Tonka 2005, Cruz and B.

Speaker 5 Anthony, J.

Speaker 5 Way Mythical, Tybald I, Stephen Schmidt, Xavier Romo, Tess Bart, Hallefrog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Talon Lawson, Freya Titmittens, Justin Markham, The Fontucky Wrangler, Rubies, Jessica Shelton, Scrembrew Lay, The Singing Loon, Zuzana, Celeste Yos, Stepon, Infinity Times Infinity, Noah and Katie, Joe R., Sarah Murphy, Justin at the Tree Cave, The Ambergler, Boodles, Miss Mae, aka Heather Berland, Reaper, Osvaldo Simeone, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Hot Plate of Biscuits and Gravy, Zejoni Veda, Sean Wright, The Defenestration of Teds, Corrine Sabrantha, Beatrice Bodacious, Kyle of Light, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mack, The Something Something Detective Agency, Hayabuddha, Eli the Electrician, Charmay, The Wondrous Methazophon, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegan Robert, Flat Doug, Trinket Coralee, Deary Darling, Banshee Ranch, Bookshift Managed, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole 23, Victor in Cincinnati, Gracefully Impaired, Jack Lane, Tired Pirate Muffin, Jace Newston, Laura, Roman Ronin, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Sammy Baldwin, Int Schuldegung, Cryptesia, Rebecca Trossel, Mitzi Lou, Kelsey Home, Casper's Number One Fan, Amanda Marie Catherine, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Lola, Deli Cruz, Nan McVicker, Matt Mosby, Harry Fishnuts, Little Ball of Odd, Joshua Cody, Astronoweab, Starlight, Berserking Off, David Piorini, Techno Ranger Rick, Mossy, Lecockney Francaise, Virgo Aries Infinity, Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Ashley, A Bug Named Nat, Potato Nation, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Rusty Accord, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Dan Bowman, G.

Speaker 5 Longhorn, Paul A. Johnson, Killer Odd, Dandy Bay, The Green Street Major, Podge Art, Dr.

Speaker 5 Punt Gusher Esquire is the proud owner of a Chrysler Empanada from Kunkleman Automotive, Creator 67, Bajolanth, Laif's One True Love, Genuine Jacob, Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, Incorrigible Ross, Deborah Wales, SCRB Mark11, Courtney Depona, Reedle the Beetle, John Dew, Maggie's Yarm, Stew, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Nth Anomaly, Meghan Mighty, Purple Saline, Miss Chris still making sandwiches, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Kingpin, Anomalous Vandal, Captain Blepp, Eevee Power, Kurt Bartnick, Your Favorite Kenny, Terry, PJ Says Hwat, Danielle L, Sparker, Shiny Melon, Fear Now, Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Tonight at 11,

Speaker 5 Il Latte Raoul, Hicks Besi Mates, Disco Funkslinger, Zealous Pragma, Tuba Rick, Princess Donut, The Queen Anne Chonk, It's Just Blake, Alice Malice, The Wizard of the Hallow Grounds, Michael Card, Sir Cat Dad, Theo Alex Dean, Kelly Jane Danky, Aaron the Optimist, You Are Loved, Lucrezia, Andrew Barner, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Rockowini, Ava, no, not that, Ava, the one with an E

Speaker 5 Grim, Zacky Nat, Underwater Corvid, Spizzeringtum, Michael Christian, Ransom, Brune Maisalil, Late Indeed, Again, Theron Pyralis, Om Vega, Dances with Burritos, Likes Chili Cheese Fritos, Aaron Mitchell, Fiona Malasy, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R.

Speaker 5 the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Tracy, Maloran, Brian Barletta, Kara, Comi Zen, Colibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, The Dread Pirate Fred Fredberger, What the Chuck, Urple Death, Sono Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatowichi, Justine Burbank, Inky the Kraken, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful squire Grabthar, Ruth Ruth McCormick, Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, and existentially exhausted bean.

Speaker 9 Forum, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, and strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, and bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and beryl.

Speaker 6 There's

Speaker 9 there's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, nope.

Speaker 6 There's

Speaker 9 antimony arsenic aluminum aluminum.

Speaker 6 There's

Speaker 13 europium, zirconium, lutinium, vanadium, and lanthium.

Speaker 9 Yeah, let's do it later.

Speaker 5 Okay, we're going to do it later. Just give me the last line of the song.

Speaker 9 Wow, that was real embarrassing. If you put this in the bloopers, I will kill you.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 In the face.

Speaker 8 That is a really brutal joke.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 5 Everybody ready to go?

Speaker 29 I have one quick question.

Speaker 21 I know, I know. It's so bad.

Speaker 20 It's facts.

Speaker 5 I did ask. I asked like three times.

Speaker 6 I know. I know.

Speaker 21 okay and recording that's on that's on me i one question

Speaker 19 mine is bigger

Speaker 21 is my bigger than ours that is a nice waveform is my thanks

Speaker 6 is my voice every time you speak

Speaker 6 it isn't beautiful

Speaker 6 normal but the waveform is like

Speaker 43 it's what is it like

Speaker 29 okay hello judy

Speaker 6 oh right

Speaker 25 hello Judy.

Speaker 6 I'm not sure.

Speaker 5 Did you forget that your gun was named Judy? Is that whatever?

Speaker 6 For a second, for a second.

Speaker 5 Turn to the left.

Speaker 6 Bull shit.

Speaker 5 Turn to your right. Keep it going.
Back to the center.

Speaker 5 One hop this time.

Speaker 5 Why does it really?

Speaker 9 Yeah, because otherwise it's just an orphan and we have to remember to get it. Oh, yeah, because we have to do it.

Speaker 5 Let's think of we should.

Speaker 5 And in these trying times, we should think of the orphans. You're right, honey.

Speaker 9 I'm just trying to help.

Speaker 5 You are helping.

Speaker 8 You're doing a great job.

Speaker 8 It is on.

Speaker 6 Are you sure?

Speaker 22 Yes, I'm sure. Why isn't it working?

Speaker 6 I want to know why you're not stopping hitting me with the chest.

Speaker 5 Pretend like you are saying it to children and you're trying to be deliberately mean to the children. It's like, come in, children, let me tell you a story.
Oh, and then this happens.

Speaker 5 And then a meteor hits them and they're fucking murdered.

Speaker 5 Can you call to them like you're Kevin Klein in a fish called Wanda?

Speaker 9 Literally shred themselves and the universe, counterintuitively, reaches zero size. And I hated how I did that.
I'm going to go back.

Speaker 6 I mean, I'm unsettled.

Speaker 6 Free ship.

Speaker 6 Free ship.

Speaker 9 Also, oh my god, he totally knows my name.

Speaker 6 I

Speaker 23 just, I can't.

Speaker 23 Something's up with him.

Speaker 23 I'm disturbingly anticipating his eventual reveal as some kind of colossal interdimensional villain, but who knows?

Speaker 18 Is Zebulon an interdimensional villain?

Speaker 23 He spooks me. He's too powerful.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 5 It's good every time. There is something so hilarious about that one, and I don't know what it is.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 5 There's a certain, I don't know, there's an umami sort of indescribable thing that happens.

Speaker 23 It's a great moment to switch to the scene change.

Speaker 21 It's reminding me of a line that Jafar has, I feel like, but I can't remember just.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 6 that's very far apart.

Speaker 5 Jafar vibes is never a bad place to be.

Speaker 31 Hashtag career goals.

Speaker 6 Bloopers.

Speaker 21 But I feel like last episode you pulled a little bit of an uno reverse where you're like, huh, there's not going to be bloopers. This time it's going to be me bloopering.

Speaker 5 You know what happened last time is that there wasn't any bloopers, really, because everyone decided to be the most professional motherfucker in the world. And so everyone was funny.

Speaker 5 If somebody messed up, they would just stop and they would go back without any sort of extemporaneous sort of things happening.

Speaker 5 And so I was at the end of the episode and I was like, fuck, nobody fucked up. So I was like, hey, I know all of my fuck ups.

Speaker 5 It's very complicated. Okay, the bloopers are very complicated, y'all.

Speaker 6 Sounds like it.

Speaker 9 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 44 For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

Speaker 44 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

Speaker 4 We may need to change that jingle.

Speaker 5 Prices and participation may vary.