Chapter 25: Your Mom.

Speaker 1 Did you know you can opt out of winter? With Verbo, save up to $1,500 for booking a month-long stay. With thousands of sunny homes, why subject yourself to the cold?

Speaker 1 Just filter your search by monthly stays and save up to $1,500. Book now at Verbo.com.

Speaker 2 Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University. Ever catch yourself thinking, what if I could go after what I actually want and really make a difference?

Speaker 2 You're not alone, and that's exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University.

Speaker 2 For over 50 years, Walden has helped working adults like you get the W with the knowledge and skills to build the future you want and make a difference where it matters most.

Speaker 2 If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenyou.edu and take that first step.
Walden University, set a course for change, certified to operate by Chev.

Speaker 5 Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make.

Speaker 6 So please consider supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 5 For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude, just go to patreon.com slash midnightburger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 6 Previously on Midnight Burger, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the cosmos, it's fucking Clementine.

Speaker 10 Oh, great.

Speaker 11 What'd she do now?

Speaker 2 She's doing this.

Speaker 6 Yes, what though?

Speaker 12 What is she doing?

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 11 I mean, seriously, how bad could it be?

Speaker 2 Clementine has taken two universes and crammed them together. Okay, that sounds pretty bad.

Speaker 7 As you know, that is only acceptable if one universe is called Taco Bell and the other universe called Pizza Hut.

Speaker 2 This is what I'm trying to tell you.

Speaker 14 What are you trying to tell me exactly?

Speaker 2 She's breaking things.

Speaker 8 Breaking them in a good way, like record breaking?

Speaker 10 She's unraveling everything.

Speaker 9 Okay, well, that's bad.

Speaker 11 What are we going to do about it?

Speaker 2 We need to stop this woman.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 7 Now we're talking, it's time to hunt the most dangerous game: strange space ladies.

Speaker 3 Let's start the shift.

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 2 You want me to do that? No, I need to do it.

Speaker 17 So, Leaf and Ava are still upstairs.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 11 What do you think they're talking about?

Speaker 2 Even if we knew what they were talking about, we wouldn't know what they were talking about.

Speaker 10 True.

Speaker 2 I sent them up there with the radio. I told them not to talk to me until the Muckle Waynes can understand what they're talking about.
They're going to be a while.

Speaker 19 Not a bad idea.

Speaker 19 So I was gone when you declared war on an intergalactic empire.

Speaker 2 We missed you.

Speaker 17 I get the feeling that when you made that decision, you acted a little

Speaker 10 like this.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 11 Focused.

Speaker 3 Focused, Gloria?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 20 And now you've decided we're going after Clementine, and you're very.

Speaker 11 grill-focused.

Speaker 2 Ava has a booth. Laif has a roof.
I have a grill.

Speaker 2 What do you have?

Speaker 11 I mean, I keep trying to talk to you about a penball machine.

Speaker 2 Find something else. Skeeball.

Speaker 21 Casper. Are you sure this is the right move?

Speaker 2 Look, that asteroid yesterday, it may not have even been there until she talked to two people at a bar about asteroids. She got the word asteroid in her head and then accidentally made one.

Speaker 2 Somebody's got to do something, and there's nobody else who can. What do you want me to do? Call Jean-Claude Van Damme Teimkop?

Speaker 23 I'm not saying you should call Jean-Claude van dam Teimkop.

Speaker 7 I'm asking

Speaker 19 if we should be going after this woman without knowing exactly what she's capable of.

Speaker 27 According to Ava, she made two universes close.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe that's easier than it sounds.

Speaker 19 You're out of your mind.

Speaker 2 You're out of your mind. Gloria, she's out of her mind.
Hang on, hang on. Am I going to understand this? The Mucklewanes can officially understand what we're talking about.

Speaker 10 We can.

Speaker 2 And we hate it. You did not say the Mucklewains Wayne's needed to like it, you said they needed to understand it.
Okay, fine. Let's hear it.

Speaker 28 She wants to make wind chimes. What? Do you remember our friends, the Teds? Remember how they trapped us using a very dangerous experiment with time crystals?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 28 Ava wants to do the same thing.

Speaker 2 There's some kind of relationship between Clementine and the damage to the fabric of space-time that we've been seeing. I don't know what it is, though.

Speaker 26 By the way, can we come up with a term for for the damage to the fabric of space-time? I feel like there should be a term for it.

Speaker 2 We've seen the diner be able to fix the damage. The shop sees were all trapped inside the diner and they were fixed.
We're not calling them that.

Speaker 2 Because in that situation, you would have to put literally every person on Earth in the diner for the diner to heal the damage to the fabric of space-time. Is that true? Who knows? Anyway,

Speaker 2 theoretically, if we can keep Clementine here for a while, we may be able to throw water on the witch, if you know what I mean. She can vanish any time she wants.
She's a little hard to keep here.

Speaker 26 Can you see where she's going with this?

Speaker 2 We zip around through space and time as well. And what did the Teds do to us? Trapped us in three galaxies.
Right. You want to trap her in three galaxies? No, I want to trap her here.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 6 I really hate this idea.

Speaker 2 The thing the Teds built was huge. We can't build something like that.
We wouldn't need to.

Speaker 2 I suspect the Teds wind chimes were so big because of scale. They needed to cast a wide net.
We don't need to cast a wide net.

Speaker 2 We just need her to stay either in here or in the parking lot long enough for the diner to zap her.

Speaker 31 Then what?

Speaker 29 You put her on a slab and dissect her? Preferably.

Speaker 2 So, what is the problem with this plan?

Speaker 33 Well, firstly, we would be using the tools of our enemy to do our good work.

Speaker 34 And another,

Speaker 34 I don't want this woman within five miles of these front doors.

Speaker 28 And my thing is, it's impossible to make and also incredibly dangerous.

Speaker 2 It's not impossible to make. Is it incredibly dangerous? It may be incredibly dangerous, but it's not hard to make.

Speaker 28 Oh, really?

Speaker 28 Because before we make a time crystal, we're going to have to make a quantum computer from scratch.

Speaker 2 Putting photons in a superposition is not hard.

Speaker 28 No, it's not hard. Producing entanglement is hard.

Speaker 2 I'm hearing a lot of cant from you.

Speaker 28 Single photon emitter, beam splitter, camera detector, KLM protocol. You want me to keep going?

Speaker 10 Eye of news.

Speaker 28 Also, NMR isn't going to do it, so you're going to have to trap ions.

Speaker 28 Are you going to fabricate components and make a dedicated dilution refrigerator? Are you going to put everything in a vacuum chamber to contain the noise?

Speaker 2 Will you be inside the vacuum chamber?

Speaker 28 Oh, and by the way,

Speaker 10 everything

Speaker 28 will have to be kept just slightly above absolute zero, so it'll need comprehensive environmental controls.

Speaker 2 I think you need comprehensive environmental controls. Well, it's a shame you can't do it, Leif.

Speaker 28 No reverse psychology!

Speaker 10 Of course, I can do it.

Speaker 28 But if I'm just salvaging from whatever Earth we land on, it's going to take a while before I have everything we need.

Speaker 28 This is a long list!

Speaker 2 Well, it's the only option we have right now, so work as fast as you can. Fine.

Speaker 28 Just one final warning.

Speaker 28 Working with time crystals like we're about to?

Speaker 28 It's banned in the triad for a reason. Experiments like this once turned an entire planet into a black hole.

Speaker 28 I'm sure we don't want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner.

Speaker 10 I mean.

Speaker 28 I'm sure most of us don't want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner.

Speaker 2 Again, it's the only option we have. If you come up with something else, let me know.

Speaker 2 F.E.,

Speaker 2 where are we going?

Speaker 34 I detect a great gateway, Gloria.

Speaker 2 And great beginnings.

Speaker 28 Here comes the boom.

Speaker 2 What was that? Did that come from the front?

Speaker 10 Uh,

Speaker 28 come out here.

Speaker 2 What is

Speaker 10 the

Speaker 33 appears to be a piano in the middle of the dining room?

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 2 where did it come from?

Speaker 28 I have no idea.

Speaker 34 Y'all, are we gonna have to start looking out for pianos falling on us now?

Speaker 33 Are we not enduring enough?

Speaker 2 Casper?

Speaker 4 I had to endure all sorts of things through the years, but there was never a sudden piano.

Speaker 10 Huh. Huh.
Hmm.

Speaker 2 Well, can anyone play the piano?

Speaker 10 Ava can. Really? What? You can.
How did you know that? You told me. When? I don't know.

Speaker 28 When did you learn to play the piano?

Speaker 2 When I was a kid. Oh.

Speaker 28 So you can play jingle bells or whatever.

Speaker 2 No, I can play more than that.

Speaker 28 How much can you play?

Speaker 2 I feel uncomfortable. Why? I don't know.
Why did I tell you that?

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 34 Ava, I had no idea you were a musician. That's awful nice.

Speaker 2 I'm not. I'm not a musician.
I can play the piano, okay?

Speaker 20 Why is this making you so uncomfortable?

Speaker 2 Because everyone's looking at me and not looking at the sudden piano. Isn't the sudden piano weirder than me being able to play it?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 28 You being able to play the piano is somehow weirder than one appearing out of thin air.

Speaker 2 I think that just makes you the weird one. No, it's still you.
Okay, whatever.

Speaker 2 There's a piano here, okay?

Speaker 28 Play something on the piano. No.

Speaker 10 Come on.

Speaker 2 Don't say come on to me. What kind of piano player were you? There are kinds.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like jazz.

Speaker 2 Or were you one of those genius kids you played the moonlight sonata when you were four? I took piano lessons. I play the piano.
Can we stop talking about it?

Speaker 10 Just play a shot there.

Speaker 33 I would love to hear Ava play the piano.

Speaker 34 I would too, dear, if only because it appears to upset her very much.

Speaker 2 I am not playing the piano.

Speaker 10 Come on. Stop.

Speaker 21 I don't think this is going to stop until you play something.

Speaker 2 What else are we really going to know?

Speaker 20 Do you know any more in Z-von?

Speaker 38 Jesus fucking.

Speaker 2 Here, fine.

Speaker 10 Fine.

Speaker 2 Wow. I'm having a cigarette.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 34 that was quite a performance.

Speaker 2 Why does she hate knowing how to play the piano?

Speaker 33 I wish I could play the piano.

Speaker 10 Me too.

Speaker 17 What's going on?

Speaker 2 We should ask her.

Speaker 10 What? Oh, that's my job?

Speaker 29 Yes. Why is it my job?

Speaker 2 Because you're the guy in the self-defense class who puts on the puffy suit and people beat the crap out of.

Speaker 10 Am I? Yes.

Speaker 28 Put on a helmet and pads and get in there.

Speaker 8 Okay, fine.

Speaker 39 Hello.

Speaker 11 how are things out here?

Speaker 40 Any idea where we are?

Speaker 8 You know what's funny?

Speaker 27 Here we are, the sun is setting, and we show up in places at all times of day, but we say we open at six, which we hardly ever do.

Speaker 4 So I don't know where that came from.

Speaker 25 Then I remember I was here for about a lifetime before you showed up, so

Speaker 10 probably

Speaker 10 me.

Speaker 40 Ava, what's wrong?

Speaker 25 Why did you get mad at a sudden piano?

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Oh.

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 10 That's the gateway arch.

Speaker 2 We're in St. Louis.

Speaker 4 Oh, we're in St.

Speaker 16 Louis

Speaker 40 Where you are from.

Speaker 2 Stop knowing things about me.

Speaker 14 Ava, you've been here for a few years now.

Speaker 7 I'm gonna know some things about you.

Speaker 2 Take the things you know about me out of your head.

Speaker 20 Look, if I could take the things I know out of my head, where you were born and your piano skills are low on the list.

Speaker 2 What else do you know about me?

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 38 That's not how brains work.

Speaker 2 It's how mine works.

Speaker 13 I mean, real brains, though.

Speaker 21 Ones that aren't fueled by coffee and cigarettes and pure darkness.

Speaker 2 Stop knowing things about me.

Speaker 38 You know things about me.

Speaker 20 Do you want to know more things about me?

Speaker 2 I like birds.

Speaker 10 I j

Speaker 10 I

Speaker 2 hate so much that I know that about you now.

Speaker 35 I have assigned a bird to everyone in the diner.

Speaker 26 Would you like to know what your bird is?

Speaker 2 I'd rather have my organs removed.

Speaker 2 What year do you think it is?

Speaker 39 How would I know?

Speaker 42 Hey there, folks.

Speaker 19 Welcome to Midnight Burger.

Speaker 31 Wow, influx of customers all of a sudden.

Speaker 30 I'm gonna say late 70s, judging by the clothes people are wearing.

Speaker 2 Weird being back home.

Speaker 2 I doubt it's back home.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 27 Okay, well, this has been fun.

Speaker 20 I love it when we talk.

Speaker 27 I'll be inside.

Speaker 27 Hey,

Speaker 31 a lot of people all of a sudden.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Have you got this?

Speaker 28 I've got a ton of work to do now that we've decided to make this ill-advised attempt at capturing Clementine.

Speaker 11 Yeah, should be fine. Thanks.

Speaker 20 Uh, Muckle Waynes?

Speaker 42 Uh, Muckle Waynes, it's looking like St.

Speaker 27 Louis in the mid-70s.

Speaker 30 I don't know how they're gonna react to the hour of power, but yeah, you never.

Speaker 16 Oh, geez.

Speaker 16 It is 6:05 in the p.m. here in lovely St.
Louis. It's Friday night, and the feeling is right.

Speaker 33 And we want to make sure that you've got the sound you need to keep the party going until the break of dawn. This is the Disco Funk Slinger, and I'm ready to get fucked up with you.

Speaker 33 Up next is OTE with Sea Lion.

Speaker 33 Who?

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Whatever.

Speaker 10 Hey. Hey.
Leaf is on the roof.

Speaker 45 Ava's being weird.

Speaker 20 And I think the Muckle Wayne have turned into some sort of 70s disc jockey situation. Okay.

Speaker 2 Kind of a big crowd.

Speaker 31 It's weird, right?

Speaker 2 It's nice. I'd like to do some normal restaurant shit for a second.

Speaker 19 Me too, honestly. Not that I've ever done that, but I'd love to know what it's like.

Speaker 2 Well, go on. Get me some orders.

Speaker 10 Here I go.

Speaker 10 Hey there, welcome to Midnight Burger. What can I get you?

Speaker 2 I'm actually waiting for someone.

Speaker 10 That's fine.

Speaker 2 You want to wait? I

Speaker 2 don't know if they're coming.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 46 Well, that sounds

Speaker 46 what?

Speaker 46 Nothing.

Speaker 10 Um,

Speaker 10 uh.

Speaker 47 How about this?

Speaker 31 Order some food?

Speaker 24 Food's good here.

Speaker 6 If they don't show, at least you had some food.

Speaker 6 Okay,

Speaker 6 um,

Speaker 2 is it weird to have breakfast at night?

Speaker 11 It's 5 a.m. somewhere.

Speaker 10 Great.

Speaker 2 Okay, uh, pancakes.

Speaker 41 Side of strawberry jam.

Speaker 2 Yes. How did you know?

Speaker 11 Lucky guess.

Speaker 10 I'll bring it right out.

Speaker 10 Saint Louis.

Speaker 34 This is Saren far beyond the stars, and I am sending out all the love I've got tonight. It is Friday.
I hope you're headed out. And hey, if you're not headed out, that's fine, too.

Speaker 34 Nothing wrong with a night in. Why not? In fact, I'm gonna start with everyone not going out tonight.
I'm gonna send this one out to you. Here is Tel Sonic with rain on a sunny day.

Speaker 36 Never heard of him.

Speaker 10 Hey,

Speaker 9 pancakes for table 12.

Speaker 4 Side of strawberry jam.

Speaker 2 What's that about?

Speaker 23 She likes jam in between two pancakes and syrup on the top.

Speaker 2 Okay, I kind of get that. What else?

Speaker 36 It's my mom.

Speaker 36 My mom is here.

Speaker 34 Shut up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Let me see.

Speaker 10 Well, look at that.

Speaker 2 It's your nose.

Speaker 10 There's my nose.

Speaker 2 Did she live in St. Louis?

Speaker 26 No, I don't know what she's doing here.

Speaker 4 Although, Effie and Zebulon are playing the hits, and it's music that never existed, so I think we're somewhere to the left of our home dimension.

Speaker 35 Are you born yet? I would be.

Speaker 4 Odds are I'm at a neighbor's place or something.

Speaker 2 Where's dad?

Speaker 10 Never knew him. Oh.

Speaker 2 Sorry. That's fine.

Speaker 8 I mean, look at me. I turned out fine, right?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 8 No, I did not.

Speaker 8 Though, I doubt him being around would have changed things.

Speaker 2 So she's just here by herself?

Speaker 27 She's beating somebody.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Are you going to have to watch your mom go on a date?

Speaker 10 Maybe.

Speaker 2 I really hope he has a butterfly collar and feathered hair.

Speaker 29 I'd bet against that if I were you.

Speaker 2 Maggie, over here.

Speaker 48 Here we go.

Speaker 10 I'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Casper,

Speaker 10 are you okay?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 27 It's good to see them.

Speaker 2 Them?

Speaker 30 Nobody has heard of these people.

Speaker 45 Hey, you two.

Speaker 40 I've got one order of pancakes in the hopper.

Speaker 6 What can I get for you?

Speaker 2 Breakfast at night again, huh? Can't help it. Hey, can you guess her order, too?

Speaker 26 I'll give it a shot.

Speaker 27 Hash browns with fried eggs over the top and a ham steak, Tabasco sauce on the side.

Speaker 2 That's amazing.

Speaker 4 Well, if you do this long enough, you get to know a thing or two.

Speaker 2 How long have you been doing it?

Speaker 4 173 years.

Speaker 26 I'll get that right out to you.

Speaker 34 and we are back again y'all pick a lane we're sorry for the technical difficulties everyone it's all part of the business of live radio what are you gonna do

Speaker 34 maybe there's something out there in the air Radio is mysterious and can pick up on all sorts of things.

Speaker 34 Once again, this is Sarah and Far Beyond the Stars, and let's try and smooth it all out with a little guy Trevino in French, shall we?

Speaker 10 Ah, yes. This old classic.

Speaker 8 Can't get enough of it.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 31 Hash browns, fried eggs on top with a ham steak.

Speaker 2 Night breakfast, people. I love it.

Speaker 2 Who's your mom's friend?

Speaker 4 That is my mom.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 2 Really? Yes.

Speaker 2 Casper has two mommies?

Speaker 21 Casper has two mommies.

Speaker 21 God.

Speaker 2 Everything I learn about you is just perfect.

Speaker 31 Why is that perfect?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just imagine them being pretty great, but also driving you really crazy.

Speaker 4 They are pretty great, and yes, they did drive me absolutely fucking bananas.

Speaker 2 You should go hang out with them.

Speaker 10 Hmm.

Speaker 8 I don't know.

Speaker 3 To hear her tell it, it was pretty rocky when they first started out.

Speaker 9 They might be meeting in a neutral territory so they can argue about things.

Speaker 2 I can't believe your parents are here.

Speaker 31 I know, right?

Speaker 2 This is good. You should enjoy this.

Speaker 31 Well, we both know how good I am at that.

Speaker 2 Seriously, though.

Speaker 35 Is Ava still out in the parking lot?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's her problem?

Speaker 4 She's from St. Louis.
She might not be having the same trip down memory lane that I am.

Speaker 2 I'll go check on her. Take some orders on your way, please.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 10 Ava. What?

Speaker 36 What's going on?

Speaker 11 Nothing.

Speaker 17 There's about nine cigarette butts at your feet right now.

Speaker 5 I came out here to check on you because you're being weird.

Speaker 38 You're being weird, and Effie and Zebulon are being weird.

Speaker 10 What are they doing?

Speaker 7 They're acting like two 1970s disc jockeys.

Speaker 2 They're probably just adapting to the environment.

Speaker 25 No, but it's weird.

Speaker 24 There's it's two different broadcasts, and they're fighting for position in the radio.

Speaker 10 Huh.

Speaker 10 Yes, huh, Ava.

Speaker 8 Also, my mom is here.

Speaker 2 Your mom is here?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 19 Both of them.

Speaker 40 Both of my moms are here.

Speaker 10 Really? Yes.

Speaker 2 You have two moms? I do.

Speaker 2 Huh.

Speaker 2 That makes sense.

Speaker 40 Okay, see, what I'm doing is being forthcoming, and what would be great is if you did the same.

Speaker 2 I've got a lot on my mind, Casper. I don't give a shit about whose mom shows up.
Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

Speaker 10 Ava?

Speaker 2 What's the problem?

Speaker 2 Why is she just staring at me?

Speaker 26 Here, here, give me one.

Speaker 23 Here you go.

Speaker 2 Here's a cigarette. Thank you.
Do you know where the manager is?

Speaker 25 Yeah, it's Gloria.

Speaker 20 She's in the kitchen. It's kind of busy, though.

Speaker 40 I work here. Is there something I can help you with?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm performing here tonight. What?

Speaker 10 Ava?

Speaker 2 And I can't find my piano player, so I thought I would give her a heads-up.

Speaker 11 Oh, yes, I'm sure she'd love to hear that entire story.

Speaker 26 She's all the way in the back.

Speaker 2 Thanks. Thanks for the cigarette, weirdo.

Speaker 23 So,

Speaker 23 Ava?

Speaker 12 Be very quiet.

Speaker 12 Why?

Speaker 12 Because

Speaker 10 that

Speaker 10 was my mother.

Speaker 12 Your mother?

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 12 How

Speaker 50 my mom's and your mom are here at the same time?

Speaker 10 That's nuts. Shh.

Speaker 6 What are we supposed to do with this information?

Speaker 20 I guess it makes more sense than my mom's.

Speaker 7 I mean, at least you're from here.

Speaker 10 Casper,

Speaker 2 I am trying to figure out how I can very quickly drink all of the alcohol in St. Louis right now, and I need you to shh.

Speaker 35 Well, I guess we know why the piano's here.

Speaker 2 How mad do you think Gloria would be if I chopped up the piano and set it on fire in the parking lot?

Speaker 10 On a scale of one to ten, or how can I make this not be happening?

Speaker 30 Ava, this is kind of minor leaks compared to the usual stuff we deal with, isn't it?

Speaker 2 how dare you use a sports analogy with me she seems fine she seems a little mean she does not seem like a mother there's no mom energy there and i'm an expert because i have two of them i may spend the rest of the night in the parking lot you realize of course that's ridiculous you realize of course that i am the one who decides what's ridiculous fine

Speaker 8 have a wonderful night in the parking lot i will

Speaker 4 Would you like me to bring you a club sandwich or something?

Speaker 2 Yes, bring me a club sandwich. Fine.

Speaker 16 Have you ever had a moment where you think, man, someone should really do something about this? Then you realize maybe that someone is you.

Speaker 16 Well, with the help of GoFundMe, you can change someone's life.

Speaker 16 You could start a GoFundMe to help a friend pay for school, fund that new community space, or help a local kid finally get to that national competition. I've seen this myself.

Speaker 16 Last year, a friend of mine launched a GoFundMe to help with medical bills after an unexpected surgery. It was incredible how fast the support rolled in.
People want to help.

Speaker 16 They just need a way to do it. And GoFundMe makes it easy.
So, do you have a dream, a person, or a cause in your life that could use some support? Don't wait for someone else to bring change.

Speaker 16 You can be the one who makes a difference. GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people.
Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com. That's gofundme.com.

Speaker 16 GofundMe.com.

Speaker 1 Save over $200 when you book weekly stays with Verbo this winter. If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin.

Speaker 1 Take a week-long vacation and save over $200. Book now at Verbo.com.

Speaker 2 Listen, this is how I live my life. This is how I have to live my life.
It doesn't work for me any other way.

Speaker 52 No, no, no.

Speaker 20 Stop making demands on people that they live by your rules.

Speaker 27 There needs to be some compromise.

Speaker 2 I'm saying when I was 10,

Speaker 26 don't use the story from when you were 10.

Speaker 45 You always use that as your trump card.

Speaker 27 Not everybody has to live their life the way you do just because your dad was an asshole about the softball team when you were 10, okay?

Speaker 10 Who needs coffee? More coffee?

Speaker 50 I'll be right back.

Speaker 50 Holy heck, y'all!

Speaker 50 The funk slinger is having a dickens of a time making the airwaves work for me tonight.

Speaker 44 I wonder if something's not right out there.

Speaker 10 Could it be there's something not so funky in the airwaves?

Speaker 33 How about y'all give us a call at 555,

Speaker 33 5555,

Speaker 33 and let us know you can hear us.

Speaker 10 Uh, better write that number down. Don't want to forget.

Speaker 2 Look, I don't know what to tell you. I've been trying to get a hold of him all day, but guess what?

Speaker 2 Barbara fucking Mandrella's in town, and when these big big acts come through, they have a tendency to fuck up my life because they soak up all the local talent, and now I'm sitting here in a club I've never heard of without my piano player.

Speaker 2 So I'm doing what I can, but it's getting harder and harder for me to perform here tonight.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, you're what? I'm Billy Maddox. I'm performing here tonight.

Speaker 10 Oh, God, you could be kidding me. Oh.

Speaker 2 Piano.

Speaker 2 Right, we have a piano now, and you're performing here tonight. Why do I know more about this than you do? You're the manager, right? Yes, I am.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Also, where is your PA system? PA system.

Speaker 2 A microphone. Some speakers.
What is happening? Uh...

Speaker 2 Who is your sound man?

Speaker 2 Soundman.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 We have a sound man. Holy shit, do we have a sound man? Great.
Where is he? He'll be right with you, I promise.

Speaker 2 Why don't you have a seat and Casper will bring you some coffee and we'll have the sound man come and talk to you? Okay,

Speaker 2 do you have a phone I can use? It's under the counter. Great.

Speaker 2 Someone's performing here tonight. Isn't that cool? Yeah, listen.
We're a nightclub. Maybe someone will get gunned down with a Tommy gun or something.
Gloria, listen.

Speaker 6 That's Ava's mom.

Speaker 2 Get the fuck out of here. It is.

Speaker 4 This is why Ava is standing in a pile of cigarette butts in the parking lot.

Speaker 10 She hates

Speaker 10 her mom. Wow.

Speaker 20 And now her mom is here.

Speaker 20 And well, this is fantastic news.

Speaker 10 I know what you're thinking.

Speaker 20 The Schadenfreude is strong, but let's try and be kind in this moment.

Speaker 2 I'm going to try very hard to be sensitive toward Ava in this difficult time.

Speaker 10 Great.

Speaker 2 And I am going to fail. Great.
Food's up for your moms.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 7 Uh, oh, could you make a club sandwich for Ava?

Speaker 2 You're bringing her a sandwich out there?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 42 What?

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 10 Gloria, real quick.

Speaker 28 How would you feel about a very controlled nuclear explosion 500 feet above the diner?

Speaker 2 Sure, whatever. Listen, Ava's mom is here and she's performing here tonight.

Speaker 39 Seriously?

Speaker 2 That must be why we have a piano.

Speaker 28 Like Ava's mom pre-Ava?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 50 That's crazy. Also, my moms are here.

Speaker 40 They are not performing here, though.

Speaker 4 They do a karaoke rendition of Highlands in the Stream that is just impossible to endure.

Speaker 7 Shit.

Speaker 12 The moms are here?

Speaker 2 You knew about the moms?

Speaker 28 Yeah, I knew about the moms. You didn't know about the moms?

Speaker 2 How do we work together and not know each other? We all have problems sharing.

Speaker 27 That's true. We do.
It's not just me.

Speaker 28 Also, it's hard to fight for your life against an intergalactic empire and then have some nice chit-chat.

Speaker 2 Also, that. Fine.
So, can you build a PA system real quick for Ava's mom? Sure. Okay, she's over there.
Go talk to her. Also, bonus points if you could try and become Ava's father tonight.

Speaker 2 Know what I mean?

Speaker 38 That is not at all being sensitive.

Speaker 2 Oh, shut up, mister. I'll bring you a sandwich.
Go feed your moms. Robbie, you told me you were available tonight, you little shit.
You're really gonna screw me for that fur-lined Stepford wife?

Speaker 2 Don't. Oh, don't give me that crap.
There are a million piano players in town, and the only thing that any of them have are their word, Robbie. And you don't have that anymore.

Speaker 2 Because you're supposed to be here tonight. Instead, you're over there.
So, do me a favor. The next time you need to be bailed out of jail, and trust me, there will be many more times.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and give Barbara Mandrill a call and see how that works out for you.

Speaker 10 Shithead.

Speaker 28 Really seeing the resemblance.

Speaker 22 Who are you?

Speaker 2 I'm Laif.

Speaker 28 The Soundman. Great.

Speaker 2 Where's the sound, Soundman?

Speaker 28 What are you looking for?

Speaker 12 A microphone to start with?

Speaker 10 Sure, I can do that.

Speaker 28 I'm thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz response range, 1,000 watts of Class D power, 120 horizontal coverage, 40 degrees vertical.

Speaker 2 Well, be still my heart. You can just whip that up?

Speaker 28 You'd be surprised at the amount of things I can whip up.

Speaker 2 Well, how about I unfurl my golden locks down to the ground so you can climb up the tower, Prince Charming?

Speaker 28 You're very mean.

Speaker 28 It's making me uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 Now, all I need is a piano player.

Speaker 46 Good luck with that.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna go bum another cigarette off that weird girl in the parking lot.

Speaker 28 She'd love that.

Speaker 6 Look, this is hard stuff.

Speaker 4 She's a single bomb.

Speaker 8 You're a workaholic.

Speaker 30 Not to mention the fact that it's the mid-70s and there's very few places you two can go and feel comfortable.

Speaker 36 Jimmy Swaggart's out there right now on television calling people sexual deviants.

Speaker 30 But trust me, in a few years, that's going to play out in a very hilarious way.

Speaker 2 So you just sit down at people's booths and start poking into their lives? Not all the time.

Speaker 2 Look, I appreciate you all being being cool with us and not looking at us funny, but it's not about what happens in safe places.

Speaker 2 I have the right to hold your hand in public, I have the right to kiss you in public, and I'm ready to fight anybody who's got a problem. You're not.

Speaker 2 Just because I don't want to pick a fight with someone doesn't mean I'm ashamed of you. I don't know what you are, though.
Are you out here with me, or am I a secret? A secret from who?

Speaker 21 My two-year-old?

Speaker 2 I need a cigarette.

Speaker 2 I hate that she smokes. We both do.

Speaker 4 Trust me, you don't want to see the alternative.

Speaker 2 This is hard.

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 2 I hate how hard this is. I know.

Speaker 11 Relationships are hard.

Speaker 26 There's nothing more complicated than two people who love each other in a relationship.

Speaker 25 Two people in a relationship who hate each other is actually super simple.

Speaker 11 You wake up in the morning.

Speaker 26 Hey, we hate each other.

Speaker 10 Cool.

Speaker 8 I'm off to work.

Speaker 2 I really love her. I know.

Speaker 2 And I tell her all the time, and it doesn't sink in.

Speaker 10 I know, all the time.

Speaker 2 I was such an idiot when I met her. I would push my stroller past her house all the time.

Speaker 2 There was this one house with a huge garden in the front yard, which was already weird, but there was a sign in the yard that said, Maggie's yarm.

Speaker 2 And I would always wonder what the hell it meant. Then one day I saw her in the yard and we started talking.

Speaker 24 Yard farm?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Because she really wanted a farm but could only afford a yard. I remember rolling the stroller away after the first time we talked and thinking,

Speaker 2 God damn, I want to buy you that farm so bad. Took me months to realize why I was feeling that way.

Speaker 24 Do you ever tell her that?

Speaker 2 It's like trying to break down a brick wall with her.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 31 Let me go talk to her.

Speaker 10 Um,

Speaker 2 who are you? I'm your waiter.

Speaker 34 Y'all we are back again, but this time I am ready

Speaker 34 There are bad vibes out there and Saren is here with you to shoo those vibes away

Speaker 28 I've been doing some homework while we were gone here it is oh man Effie, what are you guys on this time?

Speaker 34 Does anyone remember the Northeast Blackout of 1965?

Speaker 34 I was just a kid here in St. Louis, so I don't remember it.
But these outages we keep having got me thinking about when the things we depend on fail us.

Speaker 34 It was 1965, and around 30 million people in the Northeast lost power for 13 hours. From New York all the way up to Toronto.
How about those numbers?

Speaker 34 I wonder how many people had to stay trapped in an elevator for 13 hours. Can you imagine?

Speaker 34 You know what's funny about this? It's the whole Northeast lost power, but somehow, in Maine,

Speaker 34 the lights stayed on the whole time. Now, I'm not up for conspiracies because I'm a grown woman, but I was thinking, wouldn't it be funny if Maine was behind the whole thing?

Speaker 34 What if something that seems like an interesting little glitch was actually the plan of someone or something you could never expect?

Speaker 10 just a thought. Uh-oh.

Speaker 34 We would love for you to give us a call here at the station and tell us what you think is causing all of these outages.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Who

Speaker 22 five

Speaker 28 five

Speaker 10 five

Speaker 28 Jesus Christ rotary phones

Speaker 10 Lafe Effie thank the Lord. What's happening?

Speaker 34 Lafe chicanery is about.

Speaker 10 What do you mean?

Speaker 34 Suddenly Zebulon and I could only speak through the radio in other voices. I sound like some bohemian lady and Zebulon sounds like some sort of drunkard from the city.

Speaker 28 You speak in different voices all the time.

Speaker 34 This is different, Lafe.

Speaker 34 Something is being placed us.

Speaker 34 Luckily, I found this here back door and getting you to call me.

Speaker 22 What do you think is happening?

Speaker 34 Oh, I'm sure I don't know, Lafay.

Speaker 34 Yes, but what else?

Speaker 28 Uh, Casper's moms are here, and Ava's mom is here. Hmm.
I mean,

Speaker 28 it's weird, but it doesn't seem that weird.

Speaker 34 Oh, Lord, here comes Agulon.

Speaker 49 You keep working on it, Lacey.

Speaker 33 That's right,

Speaker 33 St. Louis, Party Central can't be stopped.
The funk slinger is back. Ain't no blackout gonna hold us down.

Speaker 33 Not on a Friday night. Hey, if these blackouts have got you down, why don't you give us a call?

Speaker 10 Let me guess. 555 5555.

Speaker 44 Let us know all about it.

Speaker 10 We're confused.

Speaker 44 Now, here's Glove Box with Boogie Down.

Speaker 28 What is this music?

Speaker 10 Zebulon? Leaf?

Speaker 49 What's happening? I seem to speak, but something else comes out.

Speaker 49 It isn't like the other times. We are being mistranslated somehow.

Speaker 10 Well, that's

Speaker 28 disturbing.

Speaker 49 Do you sense anything nefarious?

Speaker 10 Not really.

Speaker 28 Honestly,

Speaker 22 it seems like a pretty chill day.

Speaker 49 There is a disturbance in the air, Leaf.

Speaker 49 Keep

Speaker 31 Okay, I'll spread the word.

Speaker 28 Hey, Casper's mom.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 8 How's it going out here?

Speaker 2 You're kind of creeping me out, man.

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 4 I just don't want your eggs to get cold.

Speaker 2 Look, it's our business.

Speaker 20 We'll handle it, okay?

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 25 How about the kid?

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 27 Millie's kid.

Speaker 41 Is it his business?

Speaker 10 Uh.

Speaker 20 I mean,

Speaker 2 I guess.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 4 Then I'm representing him in this conversation.

Speaker 2 You can't just represent him.

Speaker 4 Why are you denying Casper his due process, Maggie?

Speaker 9 Doesn't he deserve a say?

Speaker 45 Man, what the fuck?

Speaker 27 Look, I was raised by two women.

Speaker 25 Just like you two.

Speaker 32 Seriously? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How long ago was that?

Speaker 10 A long

Speaker 10 time ago.

Speaker 29 The boys

Speaker 10 had just come home from the war.

Speaker 35 It was back then.

Speaker 2 That must have been impossible.

Speaker 35 Does it feel all that possible right now?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 35 It was difficult.

Speaker 25 It took a lot of work.

Speaker 4 So I saw you two today and I was suddenly very invested.

Speaker 25 All right.

Speaker 32 Okay, fine.

Speaker 8 I think that you should get back in there and work things out.

Speaker 11 I think you owe it to yourself.

Speaker 29 Why? Because,

Speaker 27 shot in the dark here, you are so proud of your self-sufficiency that it's hard for you to factor anyone else into the equation.

Speaker 10 Maybe.

Speaker 10 And that's admirable.

Speaker 23 Maybe it makes you...

Speaker 10 a little hard to be around.

Speaker 2 She's not exactly easy to be around either. Oh, I know.

Speaker 2 She was so closeted when I met her, she wasn't even out to herself. She was just really interested in my life and really wanted to hang out.

Speaker 2 The first time I came over to her house, she invited me for dinner and forgot to buy food.

Speaker 2 There was a moldy loaf of bread in the pantry. That's it.
I called her moldy bread Millie for months after that.

Speaker 6 God, that's where it came from.

Speaker 10 What? Nothing.

Speaker 10 Look, I know.

Speaker 20 She can be a a big mess sometimes.

Speaker 3 She's got a two-year-old kid.

Speaker 4 She's a single mom.

Speaker 41 She works at a gas station.

Speaker 2 The kid thing kind of freaks me out.

Speaker 8 I knew it. What?

Speaker 19 Loved you from day one, my ass.

Speaker 10 What? Nothing.

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 7 Kids are scary.

Speaker 23 But

Speaker 2 you'll be fine. Were you fine?

Speaker 10 Absolutely not, Maggie.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 10 It was hard, okay?

Speaker 8 I was a little kid in the Midwest with two moms in the eight a long time ago.

Speaker 11 Kids made fun of me sometimes.

Speaker 7 The cruelty of children to other children is its own category of evil.

Speaker 3 They tried to go to a PTA meeting, and people protested and wrote letters.

Speaker 31 They were asked not to come back.

Speaker 36 Then one time...

Speaker 20 One of them had something wrong with their gallbladder or some shit, and she had to go to the emergency room.

Speaker 4 But mom number two wasn't allowed in the emergency room because she wasn't a member of the family.

Speaker 4 So I had to constantly run back and forth from the emergency room to the waiting room and try and keep both of them calm.

Speaker 7 And I was eight.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry about all that.

Speaker 35 It's okay.

Speaker 10 I'm fine.

Speaker 2 What if he has to go through all that stuff you went through and he doesn't even like me?

Speaker 3 He's gonna love you so much

Speaker 2 you think

Speaker 6 you're grumpy you chain smoke you're emotionally withholding what's not to like

Speaker 2 very funny maggie

Speaker 4 get in there

Speaker 7 change your life

Speaker 36 fuck it there we go casper what's up are

Speaker 28 Are you playing marriage counselor to your parents?

Speaker 32 I know.

Speaker 10 It sounds fucked up, but I'm having a blast.

Speaker 28 Well, sorry to rain on your parade.

Speaker 10 Ah, snails.

Speaker 28 The Mucklewains are freaking out.

Speaker 41 They're 70s DJs right now.

Speaker 28 Not if you call the phone number. If you call the phone number, it's them, and they don't know what's happening.
Huh. They think something fucked up is going on, but

Speaker 10 I mean, it seems like a good day.

Speaker 17 That's what I said.

Speaker 22 Where's the doom?

Speaker 10 I don't see any doom.

Speaker 28 They're probably just freaking out for no reason.

Speaker 17 Right? Yeah, it's a nice day.

Speaker 4 There's going to be music tonight.

Speaker 50 My moms are here. Ava's miserable.

Speaker 10 It's a good day. Agreed.

Speaker 8 Hang on. What?

Speaker 50 God damn it. What?

Speaker 4 My mom's, Ava's mom, all living in St. Louis in the mid-70s, and then we show up?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Do you want to calculate those odds for me?

Speaker 28 I mean...

Speaker 39 It's

Speaker 22 possible.

Speaker 41 Yeah, but I've got this friend Occam, and he has this razor.

Speaker 28 You think someone's fucking with us?

Speaker 15 I don't know.

Speaker 10 How, though? I don't know.

Speaker 28 Clementine?

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 28 She can control where we go.

Speaker 20 I don't know.

Speaker 10 That's impossible. I know.

Speaker 36 Okay, look.

Speaker 41 Let's just keep our antennas out, okay?

Speaker 28 Go tandem?

Speaker 22 Look for traps? Yeah,

Speaker 10 probably fine.

Speaker 28 Probably fine.

Speaker 30 I'm gonna go tell Gloria. You tell Ava.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I was thinking maybe we should move more north? Maybe to Cleveland?

Speaker 10 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope.

Speaker 10 More coffee?

Speaker 24 How are we doing for coffee?

Speaker 10 Sure. Okay.

Speaker 2 Hey, Gloria. It's been several minutes, and Laif has still not put the moose on Ava's mom.
I thought I was the boss around here.

Speaker 26 We may have a problem.

Speaker 2 But I don't want us to have a problem.

Speaker 20 I know, I know.

Speaker 9 Though it's entirely possible we don't know how to function without having a problem, so there's that.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 11 The Muckle Wings are having a freak out.

Speaker 2 I thought they were playing the hits.

Speaker 11 Apparently, if you call the hotline, you can talk to them, and they think.

Speaker 27 I don't know, they think that there's some sort of plot happening.

Speaker 4 My mom's Ava's mom. Instant piano, then we show up.
Too much of a coincidence.

Speaker 2 Clementine?

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 2 She's fucking with us? I don't know.

Speaker 10 How? I don't know.

Speaker 12 Why? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't like it. I know.
I don't understand what she has to gain by a bunch of moms showing up.

Speaker 20 It's early in the shift, though.

Speaker 26 Who else is showing up?

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 10 Look,

Speaker 4 there's nothing to do at this point except keep an eye out, so

Speaker 19 we'll do that.

Speaker 10 Good.

Speaker 10 Shit, hang on.

Speaker 34 Well, folks, here we are back again. I am getting sick of this.
How about you?

Speaker 34 The chakras are not aligned.

Speaker 34 Thanks for sticking with me, though, if you're still with me. I promise you right now, we are gonna get to the bottom of whatever's going on.

Speaker 34 Until then, let's get some more music out there to heal whatever's ailing those airwaves, shall we? Here's roots and recognition with the limelight.

Speaker 27 Hey, Effie, long time first time. Just wanted to call in and say, turns out soft rock sucks in every timeline.

Speaker 34 Do I sound like I'm in the mood for your alleged witticisms there, Samuel Clemens?

Speaker 4 Effie, can you be a little more specific about whatever this threat is?

Speaker 50 Casper,

Speaker 34 I am a Baptist minister. Specifics are not my bread and butter.

Speaker 25 That's true.

Speaker 14 Jesus always was a big picture guy, wasn't he?

Speaker 34 I'm assuming there's some sort of plan to free us from this strange prison we find ourselves in.

Speaker 20 We don't understand how this prison works, and we also don't understand how you work.

Speaker 19 How are we going to make any progress on this exactly?

Speaker 34 Why do I feel like I am not being given the appropriate attention this moment requires, Casper?

Speaker 30 Effie, there's something weird going on with you too, sure, but there's no danger out here.

Speaker 8 We're having kind of a,

Speaker 46 I don't know, a nice day.

Speaker 34 The best place to hide the poison is in the sweet stuff, Casper.

Speaker 10 Effie, come on.

Speaker 34 You are a dog eating peanut butter with no clue as to the deworman pill within.

Speaker 28 What kind of a cockamame reference? Just

Speaker 10 okay, fine.

Speaker 20 We'll put our heads together and see what we can come up with.

Speaker 27 Until then, you might be stuck in 70s DJ mode for the rest of the shift.

Speaker 8 Just try and enjoy it.

Speaker 50 I'll be back. Don't walk away.

Speaker 2 Five.

Speaker 47 Five.

Speaker 29 Casper! Zebulon, what is it?

Speaker 49 It's the serpent of the Pharaoh, Casper.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 49 It was proof that he drew his power not from his throne, but from darker magics, Casper.

Speaker 10 Are we going a little nutty right now?

Speaker 49 We must leave this place, Casper.

Speaker 20 Okay, I'll just put some coins in the slot, and I'm sure we'll zip away.

Speaker 49 It is an accursed quagmire.

Speaker 20 We are working on it, Zebulon.

Speaker 19 We're working on it, and we're going to do what we can.

Speaker 10 Hang tight.

Speaker 28 So all we have right now are the Muckle Wayne's are freaking out.

Speaker 31 But I agree with Casper.

Speaker 20 It's a little too much for a coincidence.

Speaker 2 It's not a coincidence.

Speaker 3 What do you think it is?

Speaker 2 Punishment from Jesus. Ava! I'm serious.
I made one too many Jesus jokes, and now here we are.

Speaker 28 What is the big deal?

Speaker 28 Your mom wasn't great. A lot of moms out there are not great moms.

Speaker 2 Yes, but you're forgetting I don't care about other people.

Speaker 10 I have to say.

Speaker 28 I can see the resemblance.

Speaker 2 Please explode. Hey.

Speaker 28 It's a hard thing to hear, but it's true.

Speaker 2 Guys, that is ridiculous. I am nothing like that woman.
Excuse me, idiots.

Speaker 10 Nothing?

Speaker 2 Hey, Soundman. Where's my sound man?

Speaker 28 It'll only take a minute to set up. How's it coming with the piano player?

Speaker 2 I'm still working on it, but there's always a piano player somewhere. Hmm.

Speaker 2 I will murder you in every timeline.

Speaker 28 You know.

Speaker 28 Ava plays the piano.

Speaker 10 Say your goodbyes.

Speaker 12 Really?

Speaker 28 She does.

Speaker 2 A lot of people play the piano. I need someone who plays the piano.

Speaker 28 You know? She's pretty good. What were you playing earlier?

Speaker 2 Was it Beethoven? It was Mozart, you rude. Yeah, that's not what I'm looking for.
I need someone who can handle my stuff. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Your stuff?

Speaker 2 Yes, the complexity of Mozart is nothing compared to honky-tonk. I don't sing honky-tonk, weirdo.
I need someone who doesn't play with a stick up their ass.

Speaker 46 She doesn't play that way.

Speaker 12 I'm sure she'd be great.

Speaker 2 You're about to be doing everything with a stick up your ass. You can play jazz,

Speaker 2 balloons. Yes.
I can also spell small words with alphabet blocks. What is your problem with me? I don't have a problem.
You have a problem. I'm trying to make this gig happen.
Do you mind?

Speaker 2 I really do mind. Can you handle the music or not? Of course I can.
Don't be ridiculous.

Speaker 10 Great. Looks like it's all figured out.

Speaker 28 Ava, come inside in a few minutes for a sound check, okay? Have a great time working out the set list, list, you two.

Speaker 2 Did a piano fall on your parents when you were a kid? God, if only. Give me a cigarette.
No, don't be ridiculous. Get your own cigarettes.
There's no cigarette machine inside. I know.

Speaker 2 It's been very difficult for me. We just met today, right? I didn't run over your dog or something.

Speaker 10 Here,

Speaker 2 maybe this is the one that will kill you. Thank you.

Speaker 2 So, where'd you learn to play? My mom forced me to take lessons when I was a kid.

Speaker 2 You hated it that much, huh? I hated anything that had to do with my mother. Geez, what'd she do? Not much.
I guess that was the problem. I get it.
My mom was no picnic either.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 Grandma shot a guy.

Speaker 10 What? Look,

Speaker 2 I'm a physicist.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 2 And she

Speaker 2 fucking hell. Music is math.
It all fits together like math. When she forced me to learn the piano, I suddenly realized that numbers, for me, math, it's...

Speaker 2 it speaks to me. It stretches out in front of me.
It all fits together. I can visualize all of it.
It's like magic.

Speaker 2 So I was good at music, but it wasn't enough for me. And she hated that.

Speaker 2 She wouldn't put me in any advanced programs. She wouldn't let me do the math limbics at school, which I would have crushed at.

Speaker 2 I'd have to go with her to the gigs and she'd find me at the end of the night doing the manager's books.

Speaker 2 So, your mom didn't appreciate you for what you were?

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 2 But also, you discovered something about yourself because of what she forced you to do?

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I guess.

Speaker 2 And you're being shitty to me because I remind you of her. Just a bit, yes.

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 2 can you get the fuck over it, please? Fine.

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 2 You sure you can do this? Yeah, it's fine. You really hated playing music.

Speaker 2 There was one song that I really liked.

Speaker 2 She always yelled at me when I played it. Which one?

Speaker 2 Never mind. Let's go over the set list.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 With stays under $250 a night, Verbo makes it easy to celebrate sweater weather.

Speaker 1 You could book a cabin stay with leaf views for days, or a brownstone in a city where festivals are just a walk away, or a lakeside home with a fire pit for cozy nights with friends.

Speaker 1 Or, if you're not a sweater person, we can call it corduroy weather. More flexible.
And with stays under $250 a night, you can book a home that suits your exact needs. Book now at Verbo.com.

Speaker 1 Save over $200 when you book weekly stays with Verbo this winter. If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin.

Speaker 1 Take a week-long vacation and save over $200.

Speaker 1 Book now at Vervo.com.

Speaker 10 Gloria?

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 10 Hey, what's going on?

Speaker 2 I just needed a minute.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 4 Leaf has somehow done a reverse psychology on Ava, and she is now the piano player for tonight.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 4 Effie and Zabulon are still freaking out, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Speaker 2 Me neither.

Speaker 20 My moms were going to move to Cleveland for a minute there.

Speaker 8 I think I waved them off.

Speaker 10 Good.

Speaker 10 What's going on, Gloria?

Speaker 2 Who else is coming through the door, Casper?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 My parents died in a car crash. I was eighteen.

Speaker 26 You're afraid they're going to walk through the door.

Speaker 26 Gloria,

Speaker 14 nobody knows what's happening right now.

Speaker 4 Effie and Zebulon are saying it's a conspiracy, but nothing is making any sense right now.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 People should not be presented with this dilemma.

Speaker 5 They should not.

Speaker 26 When I left, my moms had retired to Reno.

Speaker 2 Reno.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Maggie became a semi-pro gambler in her later years.

Speaker 46 It was pretty hilarious.

Speaker 26 I never said goodbye to them,

Speaker 31 but I sort of felt like they were out here somewhere, so I'd always have the chance.

Speaker 4 Jesus, that was like

Speaker 3 130 years ago.

Speaker 24 It's okay

Speaker 8 to not know how to feel.

Speaker 2 It wouldn't be seeing them again.

Speaker 2 It would be leaving them again in a few hours.

Speaker 10 I understand.

Speaker 2 I worked really hard to get past it.

Speaker 2 I worked really hard to say goodbye.

Speaker 18 I'm sure.

Speaker 2 I can't start that over again. I'm scared of hearing the door chime again.

Speaker 7 It's weird what can become bad news out here.

Speaker 2 It really is.

Speaker 2 I guess I can't stay up on the roof for the rest of the shift, can I?

Speaker 19 No, because then I would be cooking.

Speaker 10 Speaking of bad news.

Speaker 2 I'm glad you got to see your moms again.

Speaker 10 Me too.

Speaker 2 I bet bet you were a cute kid.

Speaker 20 No, that's pretty much like this.

Speaker 26 Bitter.

Speaker 10 Look,

Speaker 11 we're putting on a show tonight.

Speaker 2 We are.

Speaker 3 Let's get in there and enjoy it while we can, okay?

Speaker 19 Isn't that the gig?

Speaker 3 Enjoying it as much as we can until the next horror walks through the door?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm coming down.

Speaker 8 It'll be fun.

Speaker 24 This could be a whole new door for us. Maybe we could get a karaoke machine.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm not coming down.

Speaker 36 Kidding!

Speaker 36 St. Louis,

Speaker 36 I don't know if you've heard, but we've got a local favorite performing tonight. That's right.

Speaker 10 Billy Maddox herself is playing at a brand new club called Midnight Diner.

Speaker 33 This gig is officially Funk Slinger certified. Cook, check it out.

Speaker 23 Hello, hello, everyone, and welcome to Midnight Burger.

Speaker 36 It is showtime.

Speaker 10 This is a rarity for us.

Speaker 17 We haven't had a musician in here since Richie Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers swung by.

Speaker 2 Hetty Days. Get off the stage.

Speaker 19 Those would be my co-workers.

Speaker 11 They're very mean.

Speaker 23 But they do make a good point.

Speaker 17 You didn't come here to see me tonight. You came here to see the incomparable Billy Maddox.

Speaker 6 So, let's get right to it, shall we?

Speaker 30 Cats and kittens, put your hands together for Billy Maddox.

Speaker 2 Well, hello there, Midnight Burger. Welcome everyone to the weirdest fucking gig I've ever played.

Speaker 2 You know, this show almost didn't happen tonight. If it were not for that incredibly grumpy weirdo at the piano, we'd all be sitting in silence right now.
Let's hear it for Ava.

Speaker 2 Please stop fluffing.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 my mom sucked. How about y'all? Make some noise if your mom sucked.

Speaker 28 There you are.

Speaker 2 There's my people.

Speaker 2 Ava's mom sucked pretty hard as well, isn't that right, Ava? What are you doing? Did you know that Ava's mom wouldn't let her play her favorite song? Please stop doing what you're doing. Atrocious.

Speaker 2 Atrocious, isn't it? What do you think it was? What was Ava's favorite song? Tequila!

Speaker 28 Master of Puppets!

Speaker 36 The Thong Song!

Speaker 2 You know, we have the opportunity to right a great wrong here tonight, don't we?

Speaker 2 It's been a while since I've had an opening act, but maybe it's time to break the streak, right? Please come over here.

Speaker 10 Hang on, guys.

Speaker 2 Can I help you?

Speaker 10 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 I'm doing you a favor. Do you know what favors are? You're going to sing your song.
You don't even know if I can sing. Think of it this way.

Speaker 46 Your mom would really

Speaker 2 hate it. Let's hear it for Ava.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 My mother hated this song.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I hope you hate it too.

Speaker 2 Spring is here.

Speaker 10 Spring is here.

Speaker 2 Life is Skittles and life is beer.

Speaker 2 I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do, don't you? Of course you do.

Speaker 2 But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me

Speaker 2 and makes every Sunday a treat for me.

Speaker 10 All

Speaker 10 the

Speaker 2 world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

Speaker 2 Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pigeons in the park.

Speaker 2 When they see us coming, the birdies all try and hide, but they still go for peanuts when coated

Speaker 2 with cyonite.

Speaker 2 The sun's shining bright, everything seems alright when we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

Speaker 2 We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety in the Audubon society with our games.

Speaker 2 They call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names. But it's not against any religion

Speaker 2 to want to dispose of a pigeon.

Speaker 10 Some

Speaker 52 if Sunday you're free, why don't you come with me?

Speaker 10 And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.

Speaker 2 And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two while we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

Speaker 2 We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment. Except for the few we take home to experiment.

Speaker 10 My pulse will be quickening with each drop of strickenin' we feed to a pigeon.

Speaker 2 It just takes a smidgen to poison a pigeon in the park.

Speaker 2 And now, ladies and gentlemen, someone destined to be a terrible mother herself someday, Billie Maddox.

Speaker 10 You got to see mama

Speaker 2 every night, or you can't see mama at all.

Speaker 2 You got to kiss mama, treat her right, or she won't be home when you call.

Speaker 10 If you want

Speaker 10 my company,

Speaker 2 you can't 50-50 me. You've got to see mama

Speaker 2 every night. Oh, you can't see mama at all.

Speaker 2 Monday night, I sat alone.

Speaker 2 Tuesday night, you didn't phone.

Speaker 10 Wednesday night, you didn't call.

Speaker 10 Thursday night, that same old star. You got to say mama

Speaker 2 every night. Oh, you can't see mama at all.

Speaker 10 Friday night, you dodged my path.

Speaker 10 Saturday night, you took a bath.

Speaker 10 Sunday night, you cold on me, but you brought three girls for me. Company.

Speaker 2 Oh, good morning. You decided to play.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay, give it back now.

Speaker 10 You got to kiss mama, treat her right, or she won't be home when you call.

Speaker 10 I don't want that kind of man

Speaker 10 who works on an installment plan. You got to see mama every night,

Speaker 10 or you can't see

Speaker 10 at all.

Speaker 2 Good night, everybody. If you're driving, don't drink, and if you drink, don't drive.

Speaker 12 You're good.

Speaker 2 You should quit all that physics garbage and play piano. I'll think about it.

Speaker 10 I'm pregnant.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, that's terrible news. Thanks.
Thanks for the sympathy. I'm sorry.
What's the appropriate response? Congratulations? I have no goddamn idea.

Speaker 2 Did you mean what you said at the top of the show that I was destined to be a bad mother?

Speaker 2 Yes, of course I meant it. Thanks.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 Look,

Speaker 2 do you strike me as someone who would make a good mother?

Speaker 46 No.

Speaker 10 But

Speaker 2 neither would I.

Speaker 2 Neither would a lot of people, so

Speaker 2 maybe I shouldn't be a jerk about it.

Speaker 10 Fair enough.

Speaker 2 I gotta go.

Speaker 2 You're a strange person, Ava.

Speaker 20 Keep it up.

Speaker 10 Okay, Mom.

Speaker 2 So this has been weird. Yes, it has.
It was annoying at first, but I'm a little glad you invaded our privacy tonight. Anytime.
We've got a lot to talk about, obviously. But I'm looking forward to it.

Speaker 2 Me too.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna get the car. What was your name again?

Speaker 46 Uh, Jeff.

Speaker 2 Nice to meet you, Jeff.

Speaker 17 Same here.

Speaker 2 So, we'll come back sometime and update you on how we're doing since you seem so invested.

Speaker 30 Okay, but uh, restaurants are hard to keep open.

Speaker 26 I hope we're still here when you do.

Speaker 2 She gave me some mandates.

Speaker 47 Sounds like her.

Speaker 2 Casper isn't ever allowed to call her aunt or call her my roommate.

Speaker 4 That sounds easy enough.

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry, Casper's my kid.

Speaker 26 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I didn't name him after the cartoon character.

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 2 Not sure the best way to explain it all to him.

Speaker 38 I don't think he needs much.

Speaker 4 Almost everything is a bigger deal in our heads.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're good at this.

Speaker 2 Do you have a kid?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Lucky kid.

Speaker 2 I gotta go.

Speaker 4 I'll see you around, Millie.

Speaker 34 Well, folks, despite our technical difficulties tonight, it has not stopped St. Louis from being St.

Speaker 34 Louis.

Speaker 34 I'm hearing word that local favorite Billy Maddox played a surprise show at a new place in town called the Midnight Cafe.

Speaker 34 Apparently, Billy didn't even have a piano player when she got there. She pulled someone right right up out of the audience.
That's Billy for you. Up next, we've got the flicks with Saturdays.

Speaker 2 You thought bringing them out into the parking lot would do something?

Speaker 28 I don't even know at this point. I'd try electroshock therapy if I thought it would work.

Speaker 2 Well, I guess we just wait for them to come back, but this music is driving me crazy.

Speaker 12 Sweet freedom. There we go.

Speaker 33 Gloria, it is not unlike the halls of Nebuchadnezzar. Are there sorceresses about?

Speaker 2 Sorceresses?

Speaker 34 Gloria, we are being snared in some sort of a deadfall.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 28 Everything seems to be going okay, y'all.

Speaker 2 Well, that is the whole point of a trap now, isn't it?

Speaker 10 If it felt like a trap, nobody'd wander into it.

Speaker 33 This is the madness of Queen Jezebel.

Speaker 2 Okay, Zeb, calm down.

Speaker 46 What are they talking about?

Speaker 2 They think we're in a trap. Trust me, I know what it feels like to be trapped in St.
Louis. This isn't a trap.

Speaker 32 It is possible.

Speaker 26 This is all just a coincidence.

Speaker 13 If it was all on purpose, that would mean...

Speaker 4 I mean, if we're talking about Clementine, that would mean that she can control where we go.

Speaker 50 She can't control where we go.

Speaker 2 And if she could, why would she send us to St. Louis to have a nice time? It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 28 Hang on.

Speaker 28 Thinking like a criminal for a second,

Speaker 28 it might make a little sense.

Speaker 12 Why?

Speaker 28 Well, if I was going to threaten someone,

Speaker 28 first

Speaker 28 they would need to know that I can follow through with the threat, so

Speaker 28 I'd show off a little.

Speaker 34 That is exactly it, Life.

Speaker 33 It is the staff of the Pharaoh cast upon the ground.

Speaker 7 Can we ease up on the severity, everyone?

Speaker 2 We're gonna need a little more evidence. Yeah, let's take it easy.
Let's talk about a problem when we have a problem.

Speaker 16 Gloria,

Speaker 28 We've got a problem.

Speaker 2 Hi, everyone.

Speaker 2 How was Mother's Day? Everybody, stand back.

Speaker 6 I got about 12 hours of curses built up for you, Clementine.

Speaker 33 What? What's the meaning of all this, Clementine?

Speaker 10 Everybody, relax.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to rain down hellfire on you.

Speaker 2 Yet? So this was you? Just a little fun?

Speaker 2 I just needed to show you what I was capable of. And what are we supposed to do with that? Just listen.
No.

Speaker 2 You listen to me. You turned a mall full of people into monsters.

Speaker 2 You made an asteroid appear out of nowhere. Whatever you're doing, you need to stop it.
There's a lot of strange things out there, Gloria. How can you be sure it was me? We're sure it was you.

Speaker 2 There are infinite timelines out there, and you people are concerned about a mall.

Speaker 28 A mall and an entire planet?

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 11 Not to mention whatever else you've done.

Speaker 10 I haven't done anything.

Speaker 2 I have had things done to me. Which gives you the right to what exactly?

Speaker 10 Rights.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about, Gloria?

Speaker 2 Are you still talking about your plan? Everyone's gotta stick to Gloria's plan, right? You're hurting people. You don't know that.

Speaker 10 How could you even tell?

Speaker 2 People are getting hurt every second of every hour of every day.

Speaker 2 How can you tell the difference between the pain that comes from me or the pain that comes from, I don't know, the universe being full of hurt?

Speaker 2 I know you've all seen it.

Speaker 2 World after world after world of hurt and pain and loss and you want to stop me?

Speaker 2 Because that'll stop what? People from being hurt?

Speaker 1 Oh, wait.

Speaker 2 i get it now

Speaker 2 you people have decided that you're a little band of do-gooders is that it zigzagging around the stars writing wrongs

Speaker 2 ridiculous

Speaker 2 i'm sure zebulon has convinced you all that i'm some sort of lost little lamb right an injured little doe in the woods a misguided little kid

Speaker 2 You're the ones who are fooling yourselves. There's no order to things.
There are no laws written in the stars. There's

Speaker 2 There's only one thing that rings true to me. I have the power to get what I want, so I'm going to get it.

Speaker 37 Despite what that may take from others?

Speaker 2 Don't talk to me about what I take.

Speaker 2 I could snap my fingers and kill you all.

Speaker 2 But I'm not here to do that.

Speaker 2 I'm not here to take anything.

Speaker 2 I'm here to give you something. We're not interested.

Speaker 10 Of Of course you are.

Speaker 2 I know because you've all told me exactly what you're interested in.

Speaker 2 And I can give it all to you. I've shown you here today.
I put you in a world where Ava's mom and Casper's moms all live in St. Louis.
I put you here.

Speaker 2 I can put you anywhere I want. Hell, I can put a piano in your dining room.

Speaker 2 So I'm not here with threats.

Speaker 2 I'm here with what you want.

Speaker 2 A world where Lafay didn't throw everything away.

Speaker 2 A world where every scientist in the world listens to Dr. Ava Maddox.

Speaker 2 I can give you your son back, Casper.

Speaker 2 You deserve to have him back. You've suffered enough.
You should meet him again.

Speaker 10 I have.

Speaker 2 That's enough. And you, Gloria.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it could go go one of two ways for you. Which will it be? A world where a virus from across the sea didn't take your dream from you, or shall we go deeper?

Speaker 2 Should we say a world where one night your parents cruised right through that intersection and there was no drunk driver to be found? This is evil. What you're doing, Clementine.

Speaker 2 I'd make an offer to Effie and Zebulon, but they already have what they want.

Speaker 2 To be considered human by all of you.

Speaker 2 We're not interested in that. No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You're not supposed to answer me right now, Gloria. You have to sit with it a while.
You have to let it eat away at you.

Speaker 2 Like I have.

Speaker 2 You have to sit there and let a better life look you in the eye while all you have to do is say yes. What's happening?

Speaker 10 Fuck.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna put you somewhere for a while. Give you some time to think.

Speaker 2 I'll come and get you when I feel like you're ready.

Speaker 2 I recommend you all figure out how to say yes to me.

Speaker 2 You don't want to see the alternative.

Speaker 6 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Speaker 30 Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Dan Bowman, Casper's number one Fan, Stu, Nan McVicker, Rusty Accord, A Bug Named Nat, Colby Jack, Sparker, Daniel L., Mitzi Lou, Life is Liminal, The Art Sherpa, G.

Speaker 6 Longhorn, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, Brick Hausdorff, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Little Ball of Odd, Dr.

Speaker 31 Punt Gusher Esquire, Chelsea G, Tanya Ricardo, Mel Momberg, Cosmic Shrug, Kingpin, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Kurt Bartnick, Roman Ronin, D.

Speaker 40 Fox, Matt Mosby, Nicole Colangello, The Real Dirt Fairy, Rogue, Ivy, Your Favorite Kenny, SCRB Mark11, Robert Oliveri, Adrian Ramirez, Berserking Off, Genuine Jacob, Schnoogens, Mossy, Stephen Robin Poole, Pathos, Amanda Marie Catherine, Andrea Strick, Virgo Aries Infinity, Sir Cat Dad, Velocicate, Ecryptid Wearing a Cool Tie, Phantom Turtle, Aaron the Optimist, Andrew Barner, Camel Pope, Clara Olson, Justine Burbank, Peachy Zatuichi, Caravan Shaker, Disco Funkslinger, Deli Cruise, Edgy Steve, Incorrigible Ross, Quilandis, Potato Nation, La Cockney Francaise, Alice Malice, Podge Art, Starlight, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Wandering Aquarius, Moldy Bread Millie, Tarvox Stormbringer, Techno Ranger Brick, Magnificent Hogbeast, Brockowini, Theo Alexdeen, Alexa Zabrina, Purple Saline, Antigone Brickman, Saren Far Beyond the Stars, Gen C, Leia B., Xavier Sage, Blargo Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Death the Kid, Turlington Beastcoat, Tamara Oliver, Kelsey Home, Jackie Wavelet, Marissa, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Terry, Magic Pony, Jay Snoozeton, Maggie's Yarm, Rebecca Trossel, Zealous Pragma, Mallory Mae, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the Neko Queen, Melvis Gray Mystery, Joshua Cody, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Al Cave, Kevin Batten, Creator67, Sono Nasuno, John Dew, Courtney Depona, John Pruitt, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, It's Just Blake, The Pearsons, Tired Pirate Muffin, J.R.

Speaker 4 the Hiker Bear, Fiona Malisey, Menlor, Rachel Rachelson, Tracy, Calibri, The Green Street Major, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Nate, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Hippo, Maloran, Marun Maisalil, Cara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Cryptesia, Int Anomaly, Special K, Laura, Ryan Abbey, Best Buds, Danny and M, Captain Blepp, Sarah Bergenholz, Paul A.

Speaker 53 Johnson, Hunter B, Zacky Nat, Big Whiskey, Coat Full of Owls, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Dandy Bay, Cece Ryder, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Good God There Are So Many Names, Curtis Charles Sr., David Piorini, Dancing Dog Dreams, and existentially exhausted bean.

Speaker 34 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 54 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

Speaker 34 We open at six.

Speaker 2 We hate it. You did not say the Mucklewains.
Why can't I say Mucklewains?

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 49 It's the serpent of the Pharaoh, Casper. Nope, sorry.

Speaker 10 I have fucking all off of the toys.

Speaker 16 Hold on one second.

Speaker 43 I'm Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.

Speaker 49 All right, I'm gonna go back to Casper. All right.

Speaker 12 Microphone to start with? Sure, I can do that.

Speaker 28 I'm thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz.

Speaker 28 I do great with all the fictional science jumbo.

Speaker 10 It's all the real shit where my mouth gets gets tied up.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Sure. I can do that.

Speaker 28 I'm thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz mid.

Speaker 22 Oh my god.

Speaker 10 Sure. I know.
Hey.

Speaker 10 Schadenfreude.

Speaker 43 Ah, the Middle Ages.

Speaker 39 Chivalry. I can't really recall if he's a foot fucker or a toe sucker.

Speaker 2 I'll not return to my kingdom alone. They're already speculating.
I'll end up with fun arms.

Speaker 39 Bravery.

Speaker 18 I can try to save her, sir. Be patient.

Speaker 51 We're getting salty.

Speaker 18 Hold on, don't drown.

Speaker 39 And whatever this is.

Speaker 18 I'm a sexy gambit. Fuck my brains out.
Wine!

Speaker 51 Lot of it!

Speaker 39 There lived a squire who was too old to still be squiring.

Speaker 43 Perhaps I should be content with mediocrity itself. Will he achieve his dream of becoming a knight?

Speaker 52 All I am asking for is a chance to serve my kingdom with adequacy.

Speaker 43 Or will a boy named Arthur?

Speaker 52 There are all ages of heroes in heaven and cowards in hell.

Speaker 43 Become a legend instead?

Speaker 18 He who pulls the sword from the stone shall be future king.

Speaker 43 Untitled, a scripted comedy podcast.

Speaker 52 And a god samage wine.

Speaker 43 Listen to season one today.