Chapter 24: Big Rock.

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Speaker 3 For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude, just go to patreon.com midnightburger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, zombies.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 They're coming right out of the open door.

Speaker 3 Okay, I'm just kidding. We're not doing the zombies thing again.
Who's that creeping round my back door? It's some lady, Clementine.

Speaker 5 Yes, that's me.

Speaker 7 Who are you?

Speaker 8 I'm Clementine.

Speaker 9 Who are you?

Speaker 8 Clementine. I'm Clementine.

Speaker 6 What's your name? Clementine.

Speaker 3 From the halls of the DMV, to a frozen ice world, to the deep dark heart of the pandemic, to a wretched hive of scum and villainy known as academia.

Speaker 2 Oh shit, they're coming right out of the gorge!

Speaker 3 Clementine can't just go poking around into the personal lives of all of our friends. What is she, an app on your phone? This earns her the business end of an old-timey talking tube.

Speaker 6 I don't like this. Clementine, sit your butt back down in that chair.

Speaker 3 Which I'm sure totally calmed her down and waved her off of any nefarious plans. Stay out of my way.

Speaker 6 You have no idea what I'm capable of.

Speaker 3 Okay, easy there, Pazuzu.

Speaker 9 She just called me an enemy.

Speaker 3 It's clear that Clementine is on a mission, but what is she after exactly?

Speaker 6 It made me decide something, that I'm never going to lose anything ever again.

Speaker 10 That sounds pretty impossible.

Speaker 6 That's just because you don't know me, Frank.

Speaker 9 Okay, that's a little... that's that's a little vague uh maybe it's time for a vision board you know maybe a mission statement

Speaker 3 let's start the shift

Speaker 3 That's a shame, she said.

Speaker 16 I'm going to have to do something about that.

Speaker 17 I'll try not to make it hurt.

Speaker 18 And then she vanished.

Speaker 3 Well, way to de-escalate the situation, y'all.

Speaker 19 We made her tea.

Speaker 16 We invited her into our home.

Speaker 3 And let me guess, the entire time you were looking over the top of your glasses like a disapproving headmistress.

Speaker 18 Oh, you mean the way I'm looking at you right now?

Speaker 6 Can someone explain to me how the three of you all ended up at your old house in Arkansas?

Speaker 17 Well, I did have a nice analogy about a grouse hunt.

Speaker 3 I was like to opt out of the grouse hunt analogy. Very well.

Speaker 6 One time Effie told me that they seem to just fill up whatever container they're put in. Somehow this woman, Clementine, put them in a container that looked like their past.

Speaker 3 Now opting into the grouse hunt analogy. Welcome back.

Speaker 11 She said she'd learned a lot from the others?

Speaker 11 The others being us? What does that mean?

Speaker 6 Has she been spying on us or something? If she can travel through various timelines, then she can poke around in all of our histories and we'd never know it.

Speaker 6 By meeting us in the past, she just creates another timeline where we all once met a strange lady named Clementine.

Speaker 9 Great.

Speaker 11 So she's got all kinds of dirt on us, and we know nothing about her.

Speaker 20 She was confused when she spoke.

Speaker 17 She said she began as nothing and had to remake herself into her current form.

Speaker 17 Something about waking in a parking lot with no memory, then her memories returning somehow.

Speaker 21 She seemed to regard herself as a sort of poorly made garment.

Speaker 18 One pull at an errant thread and she could unravel completely.

Speaker 17 She seems to regard us as an errant thread that could undo her, cause her to return to nothing before she had achieved her goal.

Speaker 6 And this is when she started talking about her people?

Speaker 18 Yes, we were just wandering in the darkness, she said.

Speaker 22 The stars had burnt out, no light to be found anywhere.

Speaker 17 Whatever plight has befallen these people of hers, she believes she has the power to undo it.

Speaker 6 Why doesn't she just do that then?

Speaker 19 I don't believe she wishes to save her

Speaker 6 She's trying to remake her timeline. Okay, why doesn't she just do that then?

Speaker 23 How would you?

Speaker 3 It sounds like her entire civilization is screwed somehow. How do you undo that? It wouldn't be one thing.
It'd be a million things. How do you undo them all?

Speaker 6 And how do you even know what to undo? It's impossible.

Speaker 11 But she doesn't know that.

Speaker 12 You want to tell her?

Speaker 6 Okay, here's what I need. I need someone to explain to me what the problem is, in simple terms.
We don't understand Clementine. She doesn't understand us.
That's an easy problem to fix.

Speaker 6 Why are we having this meeting on the roof like it's the war room? Why did you two bring us up here? Because of something Leaf just showed me.

Speaker 11 Let me direct your attention to this display. This display?

Speaker 3 Isn't that a 1989 Zenith?

Speaker 11 I'm salvaging from multiple time periods. You take what you can get.

Speaker 3 Can I watch Who's the Boss later?

Speaker 11 This oval is a cosmic microwave background, a remnant of the first light that could ever travel freely throughout a universe i did this scan from here while we were dealing with the maul zombies

Speaker 11 we're not calling them that this is the furthest that light had been able to travel this is as far as any telescope can see this is in a very basic way everything

Speaker 3 everything in the universe is now contained on this 1989 zenith it's called a sky scan the plank does it all the time.

Speaker 11 Ava's idea was to use the sky scan of every universe we go to as a sort of fingerprint. Theoretically, every universe we go to would have a unique cosmic microwave background.

Speaker 11 We use the sky scan as a fingerprint and keep them on file. So we could always know if we've been to a universe before.

Speaker 6 That's a fantastic idea, Ava.

Speaker 12 She knows.

Speaker 6 But Leaf was also working on another project and not telling me, which he promises to never do again.

Speaker 11 Honestly, it was a shot in the dark.

Speaker 26 I didn't think anything would come of it.

Speaker 6 What did you find?

Speaker 11 The first time we met Clementine, I accidentally grabbed her energy signature in the sky scan. So, on a whim, I decided to scan the universe for her energy signature.
Check it out.

Speaker 6 It's everywhere.

Speaker 3 It's everywhere in the universe. How could she have been everywhere in the universe?

Speaker 6 That's not all.

Speaker 11 I also scanned the mall zombies back at the mall. They have the same trace energy signature as Clementine.

Speaker 6 I kept talking about damage to the fabric of space-time. Leaf has found the energy signature that damage to the fabric of space-time emits.

Speaker 6 The mall was covered with these energies, and so was Clementine. What does that mean?

Speaker 6 We don't know yet, but looking at the sample universe, there is damage to space-time fabric everywhere in the universe. This damage can only be caused by a gravity wave.

Speaker 6 For a gravity wave to cause this amount of damage, something

Speaker 6 very, very big

Speaker 6 had to happen. Something bigger than has ever been theorized.
Something massive occurred, and the wreckage of it is everywhere. Why are we just now seeing this?

Speaker 11 We just started looking. We may have been seeing it all along.
We just didn't know what to call it.

Speaker 26 Could have been caused by her.

Speaker 9 I don't know.

Speaker 6 She is pretty powerful. I'm not feeling right about it.

Speaker 28 She may have strange gifts, but she's just as lost as anyone we've known. She's a piece to the puzzle.

Speaker 29 She ain't the puzzle.

Speaker 6 All of this is interesting, but what do we do?

Speaker 6 I feel like we're sitting here wondering about things, but there's nothing to do. I need to do things.
I don't know what's going on yet. I need more data.

Speaker 11 Now that I'm set up here, we'll learn more with every place we visit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Leif, what is going on on the roof? It's like Santa's workshop up here.

Speaker 26 Pretty great, right?

Speaker 6 I've got like five projects up and running. Did you fix the standing mixer yet?

Speaker 11 I've got like six projects up and running.

Speaker 3 Here comes the bass drop.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 3 Didn't mean that literally.

Speaker 11 What is all this? Is it a party or is it a riot? I think it's both.

Speaker 9 It's like Mardi Gras with violence.

Speaker 6 We're in the UK somewhere. Look at the street sign.
What's that spray painted on that building?

Speaker 4 Welcome, Ashley.

Speaker 6 Who's Ashley?

Speaker 25 Incoming.

Speaker 24 Hello up there. Hi.

Speaker 7 What a delightful cafe.

Speaker 26 Is it new?

Speaker 3 We just opened.

Speaker 6 It's a diner.

Speaker 27 Really?

Speaker 27 Like the Americans? Yes.

Speaker 30 I don't like Americans.

Speaker 31 Neither do we. Why do you put pumpkin spice at everything?

Speaker 11 Who's Ashley?

Speaker 31 Ah, yes, Ashley. She's a death god.

Speaker 24 She drags souls into the underworld to torture them forever.

Speaker 3 And she's stopping by later?

Speaker 26 Have you not heard of Ashley?

Speaker 31 No.

Speaker 32 Oh, God, you're not calling it something else in America, are you?

Speaker 3 Calling what something else?

Speaker 7 Do you have kebabs?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 33 I have to make two then.

Speaker 6 Guess we have a customer.

Speaker 34 FB

Speaker 6 vibe check.

Speaker 21 Well, Gloria, it is just the strangest thing.

Speaker 28 One minute I feel tranquility,

Speaker 9 the other, panic and fear.

Speaker 22 It is very confusing at this place.

Speaker 6 Let's go talk to this guy.

Speaker 24 This is brilliant. Hmm.
This is brilliant.

Speaker 34 This is what they're meant to taste like.

Speaker 5 Tacos.

Speaker 35 It's no surprise they don't have them like this here.

Speaker 24 Most places here have a neon sign that involves a sombrero, which I feel is not the most culturally accurate design aesthetic for the taco.

Speaker 37 Who invented them?

Speaker 27 Was it the Spaniards?

Speaker 3 18th century silver mining.

Speaker 6 Shut up. It was the Aztecs.

Speaker 23 Really? The Aztecs?

Speaker 26 All those millennia ago, they were eating things like this.

Speaker 6 Theirs were full of fish and organs, but sure. Really? Isn't it funny how you don't have to pass a test to call yourself a history buffer?

Speaker 3 Or a life coach, but who's counting?

Speaker 32 You know, saying they're full of fish and organs does make them sound more British, doesn't it?

Speaker 11 So, Josh, what's going on outside? It's pretty crazy out there.

Speaker 11 Did you win a football match or something?

Speaker 36 May I say, while the food is really divine, the atmosphere in this establishment is a bit off.

Speaker 23 You're all just here going about your daily lives while this is going on?

Speaker 11 While all what is going on?

Speaker 42 The arrival of Ashley, of course.

Speaker 11 Who is Ashley?

Speaker 37 Is this a cult thing?

Speaker 9 Are they gonna put us in a Wickerman?

Speaker 39 I can't tell if you're being serious or not.

Speaker 6 We get that a lot. Do us a favor.

Speaker 6 Treat us like we've been trapped in a mine for two years. What do we need to know?

Speaker 42 Okay, uh, what a fascinating game.

Speaker 4 Very well.

Speaker 10 First off, I'm deeply sorry for the mining disaster you have just endured.

Speaker 43 Mining accidents are far more prevalent than one expects.

Speaker 30 Secondly, while you were trapped in the aforementioned mine, the world discovered Ashley.

Speaker 39 Ashley is an asteroid. She is headed for Earth.

Speaker 43 She is 9.3 kilometers wide and she is headed for Earth.

Speaker 4 We are all doomed.

Speaker 25 Oh,

Speaker 4 God.

Speaker 35 We've known for a few months now.

Speaker 10 Everyone took the time to sit down with their families and have a talk about being doomed and said their last goodbyes.

Speaker 31 Then after all that, we found we had many more months until Ashley arrived and wiped us out, so I suppose we should just get pissed and set a few things aflame.

Speaker 42 With 14 months to go we may run out of things to set fire to so we may have to find some other irresponsible act to indulge in.

Speaker 3 Perhaps blowing things up. That explains the crowd's behavior.
They've managed to set fire to a T-Mobile kiosk now.

Speaker 34 Oh, they finally got it lit.

Speaker 13 Good for them.

Speaker 6 14 months? That's pretty far out there to detect an asteroid. How'd they catch it? It wasn't them.

Speaker 45 It was me.

Speaker 44 Well, I shouldn't say me.

Speaker 4 It was us.

Speaker 6 Myself and my wife. You're the ones who found it?

Speaker 32 We're astrophysicists, my wife and and myself.

Speaker 39 We work at the observatory.

Speaker 43 Now the most famous observatory in the world.

Speaker 40 Just up the hill there.

Speaker 6 And you said it was nine kilometers wide?

Speaker 43 Hmm, quite a large woman, Ashley.

Speaker 39 Roughly the size of the fabled dinosaur slayer. We will literally go the way of the dinosaur in a little over a year.

Speaker 42 I've been wondering if our early warning was a blessing or a curse.

Speaker 33 Perhaps just a week would have been better.

Speaker 45 People have been coming up with far too complicated bucket lists now that doom approaches and they have the time.

Speaker 10 There's a man in Surrey who is making a bobsled entirely out of butter and plans to slide all the way down Box Hill with it.

Speaker 46 It's not the usual end time behaviours one would expect.

Speaker 3 There is now someone trying to leap over the flaming T-Mobile kiosk.

Speaker 10 Yeah, behaviours such as that. Exactly.

Speaker 35 Leaping over flaming objects.

Speaker 3 And now he's on fire.

Speaker 6 Wait.

Speaker 7 Are we in Greenwich?

Speaker 14 We are.

Speaker 6 You work at the Big Onion? Big Onion?

Speaker 6 We do. The Royal Observatory isn't powerful enough to pick up something that far out.
14 months?

Speaker 47 Sorry, have I stumbled into a cafe full of astrophysicists?

Speaker 3 Kind of.

Speaker 9 Well.

Speaker 24 To answer your question, that is correct.

Speaker 43 The Royal Observatory didn't find our future executioner.

Speaker 9 Our algorithm did.

Speaker 35 We wanted a better way of finding objects hurtling towards us, so we created an algorithm that cross-referenced all the public data from every observatory in the world.

Speaker 42 We were very proud of ourselves.

Speaker 10 We saw ourselves creating a patchwork of data across the heavens.

Speaker 43 As it turns out, all we were doing was drawing a giant pentagram on the floor and conjuring a demon named Ashley that was now going to destroy the world.

Speaker 11 14 months. It hasn't passed Jupiter yet, I'm guessing.
Are you sure Jupiter isn't going to grab it? In fact, there's a lot of celestial bodies for it to pass by before it would get here.

Speaker 11 What about the asteroid belt?

Speaker 43 Yeah, we'd hope for that, but I'm afraid the path is clear.

Speaker 32 None of our celestial big brothers are coming to our rescue.

Speaker 39 Ashley is headed straight for us, and there's nothing to be done.

Speaker 6 Staff meeting at the radio, please.

Speaker 31 Yes, yes, talk it over.

Speaker 35 Must have been an awfully deep mine you were trapped in.

Speaker 6 Okay, let me start this meeting by saying I am always pretty impressed by what we're able to pull off in the course of one shift.

Speaker 9 However, big rock.

Speaker 25 Big rock.

Speaker 9 Not small.

Speaker 6 I'm still a little iffy on my metric system conversions, y'all.

Speaker 22 How big is this rock exactly?

Speaker 6 Imagine the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 6 Alright. Now imagine 30 of them.
Oh, my.

Speaker 22 Falling down on their heads.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 6 Can I get the reader's digest version of what's going to happen exactly?

Speaker 5 Well, let's see.

Speaker 11 9.3 kilometers. Impact crater alone will be about

Speaker 6 150, 160?

Speaker 11 Miles wide.

Speaker 6 Earthquakes around the planet registering 11 on the Richter scale.

Speaker 11 But that'll depend on how directly it hits.

Speaker 6 Organic matter within a thousand miles of impact will be disintegrated.

Speaker 11 Landing in the ocean will cut you a little slap.

Speaker 6 But then everyone gets 300-foot tsunamis. Impact wave, then fireball, then volcanic rock will launch into space, then come back down all over the world.

Speaker 9 Then,

Speaker 4 after all that,

Speaker 11 will be creeping doom.

Speaker 6 Ash cloud covers everything for three years, freezing temperatures. Then after that, very high temperatures for a generation, at least.

Speaker 11 And yes, that is the reader's digest version.

Speaker 4 They're fucked. Not all of them.

Speaker 6 There'll be some lucky ones.

Speaker 11 Lucky is not the word I would look for.

Speaker 6 They will have to live in a total hellscape for a very long time. Well, I understand why everyone's drunk now.

Speaker 3 What are we supposed to do in this situation?

Speaker 6 It doesn't sound like there's anything we can do.

Speaker 20 Damn.

Speaker 22 Gloria, if I may.

Speaker 22 Tragedy is coming to this planet quite soon. It weighs heavy.
And there are all sorts of readings from Noah that I could engage in, but perhaps I'll just say this:

Speaker 22 What has God given them?

Speaker 22 What can be used?

Speaker 11 Time. Indeed, they have been given a warning, as did Noah.

Speaker 18 What can they do with this time, and what can we do to help them with it?

Speaker 47 Excuse me. I'm looking for a sloshed astrophysicist.

Speaker 49 Darling, there you are. I'm eating tacos.

Speaker 47 I'll alert the media, dear.

Speaker 26 Everyone, everyone. This is my wife, Mallory May, the most brilliant astrophysicist in the realm.

Speaker 9 Hi. Hello, everyone.

Speaker 47 I hope he hasn't been too much of a burden.

Speaker 6 No, it's fine. I mean, considering everything that's going on, it's not surprising.

Speaker 47 Josh, can we move along, please? I've brought the car and I'd like to leave before it's turned into a burning effigy by you and your friends.

Speaker 10 Mel, it is the strangest thing.

Speaker 37 No one who works here has heard anything about Ashley.

Speaker 47 Perhaps they've heard nothing about Ashley because there's nothing to hear about Ashley.

Speaker 36 Don't start again.

Speaker 47 I'm sorry, everyone. You're obviously on my side of this or you wouldn't be here.
No one opens a restaurant when they think they're going to be obliterated in 14 months.

Speaker 3 Your side of this?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Wait.

Speaker 11 You're saying that an asteroid isn't on a collision course with Earth?

Speaker 5 It isn't.

Speaker 47 It is. Can you stop with this?

Speaker 10 I've seen it, Mal.

Speaker 35 Billions of people have seen it.

Speaker 38 And billions of people haven't.

Speaker 47 Don't you think I would need to see it for a time?

Speaker 36 I don't know why you can't see it.

Speaker 14 I just know that I can.

Speaker 25 Come on.

Speaker 6 Is there an asteroid headed for Earth or not? Yes. Oh, okay.

Speaker 6 One of you start from the beginning.

Speaker 47 Have you really not heard anything about this?

Speaker 3 We've been on a camping trip.

Speaker 9 For eight months?

Speaker 3 We got lost.

Speaker 6 Your husband told us that you two created an algorithm.

Speaker 47 Yes, well, that's where it started. We created a system where the data from every array on the planet coalesced into one data pool, and from that pool we would be better better able to identify NEOs.

Speaker 47 When we first got it up and running, he woke me up one night. Darling, I've got one.
I've named it Ashley. Then it all went downhill from there.

Speaker 37 She couldn't see it.

Speaker 10 I showed her an ocean of data, and it was like it wasn't even there.

Speaker 46 I thought I was losing my mind.

Speaker 47 Thought I was losing my mind.

Speaker 10 We didn't know what to do, so I sent the data to...

Speaker 23 Who did I send the data to first, darling?

Speaker 47 Curtis Charles Sr. at Salt.

Speaker 32 Yes, yes. And Curtis said the same thing.

Speaker 45 Couldn't see anything in the data.

Speaker 35 But then I sent another package to Paul Lee Lee Johnson at the GMT.

Speaker 39 He could see it.

Speaker 47 And that began a rabid debate between every observatory in the world. Half of us could see it, half of us couldn't.
We were split down the middle.

Speaker 11 Weird shit alert.

Speaker 4 Huh.

Speaker 47 We had no idea what to do about it. So we all retreated to our respective corners, scratching our heads a bit.

Speaker 47 Came to find out all those who could see Ashley were meeting secretly online and sharing data.

Speaker 35 Data that we couldn't see.

Speaker 39 We'd been arguing about it so much that we didn't bother to calculate the trajectory.

Speaker 15 Once we did, well.

Speaker 47 They went wider with their findings and it was the same reaction. Half could see it, half couldn't.

Speaker 45 It all went tits up from that moment.

Speaker 47 Institutions and then politicians, then world leaders, half can see Ashley, the other half, like me, can't see her at all.

Speaker 39 And I may have cocked it all up a few weeks ago when I went online and told the people of the world that if you can see Ashley, come here to Greenwich so that all who can see her can be together.

Speaker 11 Maybe not the greatest idea. Yeah.

Speaker 33 It has involved many more flaming automobiles than I had expected.

Speaker 35 In my defense, I had just discovered alcohol.

Speaker 47 The whole world's in chaos now. Half won't come into work, and the other half don't understand what on earth they're talking about.

Speaker 6 Uh, hang on just one second, okay?

Speaker 6 What is it, Effie?

Speaker 22 This is the feeling I was speaking on before.

Speaker 28 Half doom and destruction, and the other half confusion.

Speaker 22 Nothing but crossed wires.

Speaker 3 How can one half of the whole planet see it, but not the other?

Speaker 6 Do you think this is what we were just talking about? More gravity wave damage? Maybe.

Speaker 10 But

Speaker 6 I need to see more. I need to get to their observatory.

Speaker 11 Okay. I should probably come.

Speaker 6 Actually, Laif, you stay here. Whatever you've got going on on the roof may be more advanced than what they have.
We may need it. Good point.

Speaker 6 Do you think they have a system you can hack into or something?

Speaker 5 For sure. Okay.

Speaker 6 Ava and I will go to the observatory. Laif, go up to the roof.
Casparl, stay

Speaker 6 here and watch the diner. I'm fine by myself.

Speaker 47 I'm coming with you.

Speaker 6 Why? Hey, stargazers. We need to take a trip up to your observatory.
Why is that? I need to see your data. I beg your pardon.
I need to see if you've made any mistakes.

Speaker 9 I beg your pardon again.

Speaker 6 Here's the thing. Ava here is a theoretical physicist who thinks that your problem may not be of the astrophysical variety.
It may be more of a

Speaker 6 something else problem.

Speaker 6 We would love to take a look at whatever data you have.

Speaker 38 We've just met you.

Speaker 47 Why would we let you into our observatory?

Speaker 6 Because I'm smarter than you are. Because, because,

Speaker 6 let's face it, you have no solutions and you have drifted into crazy idea territory. Crazy ideas like, let's let some strangers into the observatory.
I think it sounds lovely, darling.

Speaker 26 I think you should do it.

Speaker 47 And you're the best judge of things, are you?

Speaker 24 Not at all, but you know, stop the clock twice a day, all that.

Speaker 47 Oh, fuck it, let's go. Good luck.
You're coming too, Dudley Moore. Pick yourself up.

Speaker 10 Oh, no, darling, I can't.

Speaker 31 I've got a very busy pre-doomsday schedule.

Speaker 45 Many things I'm excited about.

Speaker 13 Josh.

Speaker 49 This week, I'm going to do all stereotypically British things.

Speaker 47 I'm going to go on a fox hunt. You are not going on a fox hunt.

Speaker 35 I'm going to change my name to Churlington Beescoat and go on a bloody fox hunt. Talk to stately gentlemen about how we must do something about this Gandhi fella.

Speaker 9 Josh!

Speaker 15 All right, all right, off we go.

Speaker 9 God,

Speaker 9 I love a command center.

Speaker 11 I am so glad Gloria let me set this up. I can get so much done now.

Speaker 3 Do you have a long list of guys you're going to blow up?

Speaker 11 Still not off that, huh?

Speaker 26 Oh, I'm going to be on it for a while.

Speaker 11 Rocks are hitting the earth all the time.

Speaker 32 Just not on this scale.

Speaker 11 You didn't have any meteors come down in the Arkansas countryside?

Speaker 11 John Dew. Oh, my, John Dew and his exploding chickens.
Lost a whole chicken coop and multiple chickens, John did.

Speaker 50 He tried to pluck those chickens and sell them. Do you remember that? Yes.

Speaker 18 We were not going to eat any sort of chicken that was murdered by the sky.

Speaker 9 Absolutely not.

Speaker 11 It would happen on Earth a lot more, but Jupiter is always grabbing them. Earth would look a lot different if Jupiter wasn't there.

Speaker 6 Have you ever seen something like this happen?

Speaker 25 World killer?

Speaker 11 No. Most civilizations that are interstellar have deflection systems.

Speaker 3 You ever feel like we only exist because of a streak of really good luck?

Speaker 11 That's most things, I think.

Speaker 28 Of course, we would call that streak of luck something else. Wouldn't we, Casper?

Speaker 3 Okay, Jesus, people, please thank Jesus for deflecting the asteroids from Earth.

Speaker 50 That's exactly what I shall do.

Speaker 11 Now I'm just picturing Jesus in orbit, deflecting asteroids. Superman, stop.

Speaker 3 Put that in the stained glass window. Okay.

Speaker 11 Up on the Royal Observatory's website. Locating the staff login.

Speaker 11 Hello, Royal Observatory Firewall, and

Speaker 11 goodbye, Royal Observatory Firewall.

Speaker 11 Okay, let's see what we can see.

Speaker 11 Holy shit.

Speaker 51 The world continues to reel in what is now being referred to as the Ashley Effect.

Speaker 51 Small communities have begun to appear all over the globe, made up of those who believe that the world is coming to an end.

Speaker 51 The most famous of these communities is here in Greenwich, where raucous parties have been raging for a month now. We spoke to the leader of the Greenwich group, Joshua Webster.

Speaker 48 Many people have said that this is some sort of outburst of irrational behavior and immaturity, and I would simply like to say to them, you are correct.

Speaker 20 We are all terrified, and we are acting like giant children in the face of imminent doom.

Speaker 47 Five years.

Speaker 45 Five was the wood anniversary.

Speaker 39 I got you salad bowls.

Speaker 38 I remember, dear.

Speaker 6 How long has he been out here drinking?

Speaker 47 Oh, about three months now. He'll be out for several days, then come back, and we'll fight about Ashley, and then he'll be off again.

Speaker 6 Ashley is an odd name for a world-killing asteroid.

Speaker 10 My intentions were good.

Speaker 47 We would talk about having kids one day, and we said we wanted a girl and to name her Ashley.

Speaker 40 He was trying to be sweet.

Speaker 6 Jesus, why are so many things on fire?

Speaker 15 Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 10 When faced with encroaching doom, people get in touch with their deepest desires.

Speaker 39 Those things they suppress.

Speaker 10 Did they all decide to finally tell the people they love how they truly feel?

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 10 Turns out their deepest desire was to incinerate the neighbour's Peugeot.

Speaker 39 Strange people, us.

Speaker 6 So, tell me how this works. You look at the screen and see something, and she looks at the screen and sees nothing?

Speaker 36 That is correct.

Speaker 47 And it's the same globally. People either see it or they don't.
Weird.

Speaker 6 Anything you haven't tried?

Speaker 47 Flying out past Jupiter and seeing it for ourselves. I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 Did you say you were a theoretical physicist?

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 14 Are you.

Speaker 14 Are you. are you Dr.
Ava Maddox?

Speaker 14 I.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 36 Darling, it's Ava Maddox.

Speaker 23 In the backseat of our car.

Speaker 9 Apparently.

Speaker 36 Oh, I knew I recognized your voice.

Speaker 23 We listened to your lecture on, um, oh, what was it? Magnetars.

Speaker 5 The jokes were really quite funny.

Speaker 6 Thank you.

Speaker 34 Where have you been?

Speaker 7 We heard you'd left Cornell for some reason.

Speaker 6 Yes, I did.

Speaker 9 Whatever for?

Speaker 6 Well, I went to New Brunswick, New Jersey, and I never came back.

Speaker 38 Oh,

Speaker 47 I've no idea what that is, but could we disappear there and never come back?

Speaker 6 Careful what you wish for.

Speaker 47 I've no idea why you're here either, but I'm grateful for fresh eyes on the problem.

Speaker 23 Any idea why this could be happening?

Speaker 37 No idea.

Speaker 35 Were you subject to the usual shitty life of academia as we were?

Speaker 10 Is that why you left?

Speaker 6 My colleagues didn't like the idea of me disproving their theories.

Speaker 45 Ah, theory assassination. How dare you?

Speaker 44 Which theories have you set your crosshairs on?

Speaker 9 All of them. Here we are.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 6 big onion.

Speaker 42 Now I get it.

Speaker 33 We may not have the most powerful telescope in the world, but we do have the most onion-like telescope in the world.

Speaker 6 As a cook, I appreciate this.

Speaker 47 My bloody keycard isn't working again.

Speaker 39 Probably all the power outages.

Speaker 33 Very hard to keep the lights on when only half of everyone in the world shows up for work in the morning.

Speaker 9 Oh, come on, open you wanker. Sorry, my bad.
I had to co-opt your security system nose to tail.

Speaker 47 Door's open now. Who is that?

Speaker 6 That's Lafe. He's our technology guy.

Speaker 7 Why does your cafe have a technology guy?

Speaker 6 Deep fryers.

Speaker 23 Thanks, Lafe. Get in there.

Speaker 27 Crazy shit going on. Fantastic.

Speaker 27 Apologies to our new friends. I promise I didn't look at any personal info, though I did come across the motherload of Blake 7 fan fiction from someone named Cert Cat Dad.

Speaker 33 Ah, that's me.

Speaker 42 Little project of mine.

Speaker 6 What did you find, Leif? I'll bring it up on the monitors.

Speaker 42 There it is.

Speaker 31 That's all our data.

Speaker 6 What am I supposed to see here?

Speaker 6 I see a bunch of text and numbers.

Speaker 6 I don't see anything.

Speaker 9 Neither do I.

Speaker 6 Wait, what are you seeing? I'm seeing a bunch of data on the screen, I guess.

Speaker 42 As do I.

Speaker 6 Leaf, is that what you're seeing? Yep. I don't see anything either.
I don't know what the hell Leaf is talking about. What the fuck? So we've got three people seeing it and three people not seeing it.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 27 that's wonderful.

Speaker 6 Life, tell me what I can't see. Also, tell me what I can see.
I don't understand any of that. There's nothing there.

Speaker 20 That's coordinates, basically.

Speaker 20 Eccentricity, semi-major axis, mean motion, etc.

Speaker 6 Anything I can see? The pictures are pretty low res.

Speaker 6 It's not going to look like it does in the movies.

Speaker 44 Let me see. There she is.

Speaker 46 That's our little mass murderer.

Speaker 25 You can't see it either?

Speaker 32 No.

Speaker 6 Okay, Laif. I need to look a problem in the eye.
Is there any way you can get me a better image of this thing? There's nothing to get an image of, Gloria. Hush, Casper.

Speaker 6 Uh, Juno's out there, right? Juno.

Speaker 6 Juno's pointed at Jupiter, though.

Speaker 6 If I wanted to take a picture of an asteroid from Juno, I would need to somehow be out there piloting it myself to take a picture of something you don't even know is there.

Speaker 6 I hate this.

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 6 I hate this. Half of us see nothing, and half of us see something.
Who's right? God damn it.

Speaker 47 It's fascinating to see you all do a speedrun of our arguments for the past several months.

Speaker 6 Laif, what about our uh friends? What are they seeing? Mucklewains.

Speaker 6 What are you seeing right now?

Speaker 6 Mucklewains? Effie?

Speaker 6 Zeppelin? Shit. The Muckle Ways have gone dark.
Where the hell did they get off to? They'll be back. Who are your friends? They're.

Speaker 6 You know what?

Speaker 6 One inexplicable thing at a time.

Speaker 18 What's our plan of action here?

Speaker 6 We don't have one. Anyone? Come on.
No bad ideas. How about only bad ideas? Fine.

Speaker 9 Go. Well, I was thinking.
When we got all the zombies into the diner, after spending enough time here, they were cured. Somehow the diner washed that man right out of their hair.

Speaker 9 What if I got a bunch of the rioter/slash partiers out there to come in here for a while? What if that makes them stop seeing the asteroid?

Speaker 6 Zombies? How are you going to get them in there? The best way to get anyone to go anywhere.

Speaker 9 Free booze. Okay.

Speaker 6 Good luck.

Speaker 47 What on earth is he talking about?

Speaker 6 We need to give him busy work. He likes to feel included.
I heard that. Oh, all of this is infuriating.
I need to go think somewhere. Where's your go-thinking place?

Speaker 47 How about the equatorial room?

Speaker 38 That's where I go.

Speaker 6 Show me the way. Casper, don't let them destroy the place, okay?

Speaker 6 I've been in the food service industry my whole life, Casper. I have cleaned up puke puke for the last time.
I'm 173 years old, Gloria.

Speaker 6 Technically, I've been in the food service industry longer than you. Then why are you so bad at it?

Speaker 15 Fair point. I didn't vomit in your restaurant, did I?

Speaker 6 You didn't.

Speaker 5 Oh, good.

Speaker 10 It's an interesting place I found myself in, not remembering if I've vomited.

Speaker 6 We've all been there.

Speaker 46 I know it may seem ridiculous, seeing as how there's an asteroid the size of Guam heading for Earth, but the worst part of it all.

Speaker 44 The worst part of all of this has been her inability to see it.

Speaker 6 That does seem ridiculous.

Speaker 44 We share everything, you know.

Speaker 44 We should share the end as well.

Speaker 6 Josh, look, I don't see any way out of this situation right now, but do me a favor. Call something the end when it ends, not before that.

Speaker 43 The ever-present American optimism.

Speaker 6 Hey, that's Mexican-American optimism.

Speaker 42 Apologies.

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Speaker 55 There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Speaker 55 Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Speaker 55 Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Speaker 55 Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

Speaker 55 There's only one DC.

Speaker 55 Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.org.

Speaker 55 are

Speaker 55 in the heavens.

Speaker 55 Yes,

Speaker 55 we appear to be circling a celestial body?

Speaker 18 There certainly does not seem to be another explanation for our current whereabouts.

Speaker 18 It is

Speaker 18 a very large celestial body.

Speaker 18 I've never seen something so large.

Speaker 18 There is just

Speaker 18 nothing

Speaker 18 around

Speaker 18 us.

Speaker 16 Nothing save for the very large celestial body we are looking down on.

Speaker 16 I look to the left of me, I look to the right, and there is just

Speaker 16 oh!

Speaker 16 Oh, that made me a little dizzy.

Speaker 16 One does become accustomed to ground being under one's feet. Well, we weren't doing too much walking around, but it was nice knowing that the ground was there.

Speaker 16 I am certainly missing its absence.

Speaker 16 What bright hell are we doing here? Well, it seems one minute we're talking with our friends and the next...

Speaker 16 Did someone push the wrong button or something? If so, that was the very wrong button for them to push.

Speaker 16 It is so quiet out here.

Speaker 16 A church mouse is a brass band compared to the brand of quietude that we are currently experiencing.

Speaker 16 What are we doing out here, Zebulon?

Speaker 16 We must assume it is part of God's plan, must we not? Well, anytime the Lord would like to send along some instructions with his plans would be be just fine with me.

Speaker 16 I'm afraid two stone tablets is all we get.

Speaker 16 There is nothing in those commandments that accounts for us suddenly being whipped around a big old planet out here in this inky blackness.

Speaker 16 No, there is not.

Speaker 16 So

Speaker 16 something should be done. Yes.

Speaker 16 Should we try

Speaker 16 shouting for help?

Speaker 3 Okay, I'm doing tequila poppers and apps. It's gonna be.

Speaker 3 Honestly, I don't even know what it's gonna be. It's not gonna be pretty.
Everyone thinks they're gonna die, and I'm giving them more alcohol.

Speaker 11 Sorry, I can't help out. Gloria's got me on asteroid, dude.

Speaker 3 Okay, you're saying if I plug this monitor in downstairs, it will show me live info on the asteroid.

Speaker 11 And if they stop seeing it, that means it worked. Or something.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 3 Saying a quick prayer that this does not turn into an orgy.

Speaker 11 Orgies are so awkward. I never know where to look.

Speaker 25 Okay,

Speaker 9 man.

Speaker 11 Seriously?

Speaker 3 So many things I don't want to know. Sorry.

Speaker 11 If it's any consolation, you do not look like the kind of guy who throws an orgy.

Speaker 3 Thank you for that. But also, you know, a little disappointed in myself.

Speaker 25 Good luck.

Speaker 25 Life.

Speaker 27 Hey, guys!

Speaker 9 Where have you been?

Speaker 9 We have

Speaker 9 we are

Speaker 9 not

Speaker 9 currently

Speaker 11 with you.

Speaker 11 I mean,

Speaker 11 YouTube being in my life has brought up all sorts of existential dilemmas. So when you say to me that you're not really here, my response is

Speaker 11 that's true. And what does that even mean? Leave.

Speaker 11 We

Speaker 11 are not there.

Speaker 56 I know.

Speaker 28 But also, Life, we are very certainly in another place, and it is very certainly not with you.

Speaker 30 What do you mean?

Speaker 11 You're talking to me out of a speaker like you always do.

Speaker 25 Life,

Speaker 20 turn around.

Speaker 6 Is the radio just over yonder?

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 28 Are we speaking out of it?

Speaker 25 No.

Speaker 52 Why do you think that is?

Speaker 25 I don't know.

Speaker 25 Wait.

Speaker 11 Where is it you're saying you are?

Speaker 11 Up.

Speaker 14 Up.

Speaker 11 Can you be more specific?

Speaker 20 Look up.

Speaker 25 Okay?

Speaker 50 We're up there.

Speaker 31 Are you.

Speaker 11 You're saying you're in space? Yes.

Speaker 25 Where?

Speaker 25 Leave.

Speaker 50 There do not appear to be any road signs, Leaf.

Speaker 28 We appear to be inside of some sort of contraption.

Speaker 50 And we are constantly circling some sort of very,

Speaker 50 very large celestial body.

Speaker 11 You're inside a probe? Leif?

Speaker 28 I don't know what this thing is called.

Speaker 50 You may as well call it a canoe.

Speaker 4 Um...

Speaker 11 weird okay

Speaker 11 give me something on the planet you're circling it has an eye an

Speaker 11 an eye and it is looking at us wait shit a red one a very large red one leaf oh my god horizontal lines across the whole planet huge dust storms yes

Speaker 26 fucking amazing You're in Juno!

Speaker 4 What is a Juno?

Speaker 11 It's a probe currently in a mission around around the planet Jupiter.

Speaker 11 I was talking about it earlier, and it looks like you two just sort of showed up there. Well,

Speaker 11 what in the heck are we doing here? Believe it or not, you may be saving the day.

Speaker 50 Oh, well, that sounds nice, though. It would be nice to save the day and then also to leave this place because it's...
We are currently terrified.

Speaker 50 Life, we are out here in this big old nothing with our cheeks hanging in the breeze.

Speaker 25 Okay, just

Speaker 11 give me a minute.

Speaker 11 I need to try and track down your frequency.

Speaker 11 Just so you know, I am completely ignoring the fact that a radio signal from Jupiter takes 40 minutes to get here, and we are currently talking in real time. Not even going there.

Speaker 28 That's growth for me.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 26 Oh,

Speaker 11 look at that.

Speaker 25 Look at that.

Speaker 11 I've got full control of this probe.

Speaker 26 This is great.

Speaker 50 We do not currently feel great about any aspect of this league.

Speaker 11 I'm going to do something. Tell me if you feel anything.

Speaker 25 Like what?

Speaker 20 Oh, my.

Speaker 56 Oh,

Speaker 56 dear.

Speaker 56 We are turning.

Speaker 56 I do not like it.

Speaker 20 We're definitely feeling something.

Speaker 27 Okay, that's it.

Speaker 11 It was just a test. I just adjusted your position a little bit.

Speaker 20 Why did a little bit feel like I was getting my soul pulled up out of my body?

Speaker 11 That's deep space for you.

Speaker 26 Nothing like it.

Speaker 11 I remember my first time. Barnard 68.
You think you're in the inky blackness right now. I should tell you about Barnard68 sometime.

Speaker 4 Sorry, look.

Speaker 11 It's great. Somehow, you two have sent me the control protocols for the Juno probe.
I need to build an interface.

Speaker 27 Gloria, are you there? Yeah, what?

Speaker 11 You are not going to believe this.

Speaker 47 This was mainly a museum for a very long time, until the AMAT was properly set up. Built in the 15th century by Charles II.
Yeah, yeah. The merry monarch.

Speaker 47 He was always having a laugh, Charles II.

Speaker 47 I wonder sometimes if our dome looks like an onion, because he thought it would be funny.

Speaker 6 Are you giving me a tour?

Speaker 6 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 47 When I'm having a think, I always ask Josh to distract me, you see, so I can come back to what I was thinking about with fresh eyes.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 6 Okay, good.

Speaker 6 Keep going. Oh,

Speaker 4 right. Okay.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 20 Right.

Speaker 47 So, Charles II was the first king to allow women on stage. Yeah? The most approachable of the monarchs, apparently.
Was willing to sit and have a chat with anyone.

Speaker 6 This is good. This is working.

Speaker 4 What are you doing here, Ava?

Speaker 6 What do you mean?

Speaker 9 You know what I mean.

Speaker 47 You show up in an American-style cafe in Greenwich after disappearing suddenly.

Speaker 6 It's not disappearing if no one notices.

Speaker 5 We noticed.

Speaker 47 A lot of us did.

Speaker 47 Rumor was you had revolutionary findings that the establishment rejected. But then you disappeared and never published your findings.
You're a bit of a mythical beast these days.

Speaker 47 You have a nickname and everything.

Speaker 6 Is it a good one?

Speaker 5 The disappearacist.

Speaker 6 Huh. Not bad.

Speaker 47 If the world wasn't ending/slash not ending right now, I'd be telling everyone that Ava Maddox is standing in my equatorial room.

Speaker 4 What happened?

Speaker 6 The Big Bounce Theory. What do you know about it?

Speaker 47 Nobody knows anything about it. It's a nascent theory.
I think it's fascinating, but we're years off from knowing anything.

Speaker 6 I'm not.

Speaker 25 Really?

Speaker 9 I had a friend.

Speaker 6 She was fired for...

Speaker 6 basically being a big mess and her work was a big mess but it was also brilliant she was never gonna work again so she dumped it all on me i sifted through it finished it

Speaker 6 and when i got to the end i realized that people should probably stop saying the words big bang, because the bang is just part of it. The picture is much bigger.

Speaker 47 You confirmed the big bounce theory?

Speaker 6 As much as anyone can confirm anything in theoretics, yes.

Speaker 47 And they rejected your findings.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 6 yes.

Speaker 25 Why?

Speaker 6 Name for me a revolutionary idea in science that wasn't initially rejected.

Speaker 47 And so what? You just fucked off to...

Speaker 44 where was it?

Speaker 30 New Brunswick, New Jersey?

Speaker 6 Not at first.

Speaker 6 The The Big Bounce Theory was just the tip of the iceberg.

Speaker 46 What's the rest of the iceberg?

Speaker 6 The Big Bounce Theory, damage to the fabric of space-time, and a shifting point of null entropy. That's the full picture.
I'm just trying to weave them together.

Speaker 47 And you thought no one would listen to that?

Speaker 6 I didn't care if anyone listened. I needed to find out.

Speaker 6 And then I took a long, strange trip to New Brunswick, New Jersey. I met two weirdos named Casper and Leaf, and here I am now.

Speaker 6 I realize that doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me.

Speaker 6 And that's all that matters to me anymore.

Speaker 6 Hello! Hello, darling. Josh here on the public address.
Don't fret, though. I'm under strict orders from Gloria.
She would like you both to come back to the command center.

Speaker 6 There have been some new developments. Also, I've begun calling our offices the command center.

Speaker 6 Oh, and also, I've discovered a bottle of sherry, and I deeply apologize for how much of it I've drunk already.

Speaker 4 New developments?

Speaker 37 Maybe they're good ones.

Speaker 6 Who knows?

Speaker 47 The Big Bounce, damage to space-time, and a shifting point of null entropy.

Speaker 9 That's quite a list.

Speaker 6 That and a woman named Clementine.

Speaker 20 But

Speaker 6 that's another story.

Speaker 47 Clementine?

Speaker 47 Huh.

Speaker 34 Yes. You know, it's the funniest thing.
What?

Speaker 6 Wait.

Speaker 6 A while back, you met a woman named Clementine.

Speaker 6 We did, yeah. And after you met her, everything went nuts.
Actually, now that you mention it. God damn it!

Speaker 50 It's overwhelming to take it all in like this.

Speaker 50 The more I look, the more stars I see.

Speaker 50 Each one its own world with its own horizon.

Speaker 50 Is there someone like me on that distant star?

Speaker 50 Someone who looks up and wonders as we did for so long?

Speaker 22 To think that all this was created.

Speaker 50 But then so were we, dear.

Speaker 50 To be a part of this great sweep of creation.

Speaker 28 Dear,

Speaker 28 there are only so many ruminations on God's creation that I am built to take in at this moment.

Speaker 6 Okay, so Ethi and Zebulon somehow ended up in a satellite. Like, that's the weirdest place we found them.
Okay, but why does this help us? I can adjust Juno to take pictures of Ashley, the asteroid.

Speaker 6 We'll get a lot better coverage and better data this way. I can target trajectory, check for anomalies.
Also, we can check if you know if it even exists in the first place. How much time?

Speaker 6 Let me know. Jasper,

Speaker 6 how is Operation Idiotic going?

Speaker 6 Gloria, I

Speaker 6 We're not calling them that.

Speaker 37 Forgive me, but who are Effie and Zeppelin?

Speaker 6 Fucking Clementine. She's here? No, but she was.
Tell them.

Speaker 47 Well, I was just telling Avery about an interesting woman we encountered. Do you remember Clementine, dear?

Speaker 23 Oh, yes, Clementine.

Speaker 40 I remember Clementine.

Speaker 42 It was the name that struck us, wasn't it, dear?

Speaker 47 We were down the pub and she approached us out of nowhere. American girl.

Speaker 7 Very strange.

Speaker 24 Very strange.

Speaker 42 Had all manner of knowledge about Weimar Berlin, but didn't know what a coaster was.

Speaker 47 She came up to our table and started chatting us up.

Speaker 47 As soon as we told her what we do, told her about near-Earth objects and how we like to hunt them down, she latched onto us like she was a barnacle and we were a humpback.

Speaker 36 Question after question after question.

Speaker 43 Wanted to know everything about asteroids and how we find them and was especially interested in world killers.

Speaker 8 We were there for hours.

Speaker 45 That night when we came home was when we dreamt up the algorithm.

Speaker 47 What does she have to do with any of this?

Speaker 6 I don't know.

Speaker 9 There was one bit.

Speaker 36 Probably nothing.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 46 Well, it was late at night when I discovered Ashley.

Speaker 43 I wasn't looking for a near-Earth object.

Speaker 10 I was actually looking for nothing. I was calibrating the system by first seeing what nothing looks like.

Speaker 35 So, I observed an area of space where I know there was nothing.

Speaker 44 Then, in that blank space in the sky, suddenly I saw Ashley.

Speaker 6 She's doing this.

Speaker 11 How?

Speaker 6 What do you mean? I don't know. She made a world-killing asteroid that can only be seen by half of Earth.
Why would she do that?

Speaker 23 I'm sorry.

Speaker 32 Are we saying this woman has some sort of magical powers?

Speaker 6 She wouldn't do it on purpose. She did it without knowing she was doing it.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 38 I'm very confused at this moment.

Speaker 6 Oh, Jesus Christ. Ava?

Speaker 9 Hang on.

Speaker 6 Hang on.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 6 For the first time in my my life, I hope I'm wrong. What's wrong? Leif, you've been scanning every universe we go to, right? Yeah.
Are you done with this one? Yeah, it's ready.

Speaker 6 Put it up on one of the monitors here.

Speaker 47 Every universe? What are you talking about?

Speaker 6 I promise I will answer all your questions later, okay? Right now,

Speaker 6 I just need you to go with me.

Speaker 36 It's exciting, dear.

Speaker 23 Let's go with her.

Speaker 6 Go on then. You're both astrophysicists.
You've probably looked at the cosmic microwave background a million times, right? Yes. You know what it looks like?

Speaker 36 It used to be my screensaver.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 8 Leaf?

Speaker 6 Both of you,

Speaker 6 look at this.

Speaker 47 What do you see? That's the cosmic microwave background.

Speaker 42 No, it isn't.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 13 That's not the cosmic microwave background, dear. It's a cosmic microwave background, but it's not ours.

Speaker 23 Look, look, look, look. This is this bit here.

Speaker 9 That's new.

Speaker 23 There's a little bit here that looks a bit like SpongeBob.

Speaker 27 Hello, SpongeBob.

Speaker 38 I don't see any of that.

Speaker 7 What are you looking at?

Speaker 34 Look at what you're looking at.

Speaker 47 Oh, God, it's happening again.

Speaker 6 Holy shit. What's going on, Eva? I showed them both a map of their universe.
They're seeing two different universes. But they're in the same place.
I know. How is that possible?

Speaker 9 It's not.

Speaker 6 I think Clementine... Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this.
I think Clementine has taken two universes and crammed them together. Crammed them together? That's impossible.
Yes, I know.

Speaker 9 She can't do that. Yes, I know.

Speaker 47 You're saying this strange woman we met has done this?

Speaker 6 Yes, I am.

Speaker 38 That's ludicrous.

Speaker 13 Yes, it is.

Speaker 10 I also think that's ludicrous, and I'm completely pissed.

Speaker 7 How would she even do that?

Speaker 6 I don't know. And I don't think she knows either.
This was an accident? What logical reason would she have to do this? Ava, how can two universes exist in the same place? They can't.

Speaker 6 This is what I'm trying to tell you. She's breaking things.

Speaker 9 She's unraveling everything.

Speaker 22 You sure it's not on purpose?

Speaker 28 If I may just chime in here while we're dangling out here in the beyond.

Speaker 6 What is it, Effie?

Speaker 10 There's that voice again. This mystery voice is coming from somewhere, darling.

Speaker 47 At what point should I stop asking questions and just let this complete nonsense wash over me?

Speaker 6 Right about now. Very well.

Speaker 28 Gloria, this woman was afraid and angry, but she had plans she was working on. This doesn't appear to be part of any plan.

Speaker 50 Yes, and though she appears to to be more powerful than anything we've encountered, everything in her compartment showed her to be human, like us.

Speaker 50 And if any of us were given this power, would we be so adept at using it? Would we not make mistakes?

Speaker 6 We're talking about a lot here.

Speaker 6 We need to stick a pin in most of it and focus on the problem.

Speaker 11 Big Rock.

Speaker 6 Big Rock.

Speaker 27 Not small.

Speaker 28 Might we add getting Effie and Zebulon out out of this contraption to this list?

Speaker 5 Sorry.

Speaker 6 That too.

Speaker 10 Sorry, Old, but are you saying that there's nothing wrong with me?

Speaker 13 Nothing wrong with half of the planet?

Speaker 6 No, there isn't. Everyone on Earth has been put in a literally impossible position.
In 14 months, an asteroid is going to hit the planet and cause massive destruction. But...

Speaker 6 It will only happen

Speaker 6 to half of you.

Speaker 3 That doesn't happen.

Speaker 6 I know it doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 49 Mallory and myself could be standing at ground zero over this asteroid strike, and I will be completely disintegrated while she just stands there wondering where I went.

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 34 How are we meant to function in a world like that?

Speaker 6 We don't know. Okay, I'm back.

Speaker 18 The party is dispersed downstairs. Someone brought in a live sheep and threw the whole vibe off.
Apparently, there are some things that are even too weird for the apocalypse.

Speaker 18 In a nutshell, experiment failed.

Speaker 6 What are we talking about? Turns out there is and isn't an asteroid. What? It's looking like Clementine has somehow crashed two realities together.

Speaker 6 For half the planet, the asteroid is coming, for the other half, it isn't coming. So both things are happening/slash not happening? Yes.
Oh, I bet Ava loves this.

Speaker 25 Shut up. So, what are we doing now? Can we do anything? Hang on.
I've got data coming in. Okay.

Speaker 25 Nice work, Muckle Wayne's. We're just sitting here, Life.
I've got eyes on Ashley, and you're not going to believe this.

Speaker 6 Send it here. Check it out.

Speaker 31 Wait.

Speaker 31 It's not one asteroid. It's two smaller asteroids.
They're rotating around each other in such close proximity that they look like one asteroid from far away.

Speaker 35 Darling, it's twins.

Speaker 6 Okay,

Speaker 6 that's interesting, but isn't that the same amount of destruction as one big one? Uh,

Speaker 11 yes. Great work, Leif.
But but

Speaker 11 now

Speaker 11 we have something to work with.

Speaker 47 Don't we, asteroid experts? Centrifugal force. That's right.
The Muckle Wanes have given me control of the Juno probe. And guess what?

Speaker 27 Juno has a thruster. That's right.

Speaker 37 Juno has to dip in and out of Jupiter's orbit to avoid getting singed by radiation, so it has a heavy thruster on it. Hang on, are we talking about ramming the Muckle Wayne into an asteroid?

Speaker 37 Because that would be funny. This is what I'm thinking.
Life.

Speaker 28 Not in one million of the Lord's years are you going to treat us like some sort of celestial cue ball to be hit with your stick.

Speaker 32 It'll be fine.

Speaker 10 I say it's a fine idea, but calculations such as those would take years. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 6 You want to ram an asteroid with the mucklewing?

Speaker 50 To say I have objections would be perhaps understating it a bit. Gloria, look, if we did this, we can cut the destruction in half.

Speaker 50 It would still be an epic disaster, but if I can push one of these asteroids out of the way,

Speaker 50 that may contain the damage to one quarter of the globe.

Speaker 6 Destroying one quarter of the globe is good news?

Speaker 50 In this scenario, yes, we are to be turned into some sort of battering ramp.

Speaker 6 What's going to happen at Effie and Zebulon?

Speaker 28 My guess is they'll be fine. Oh, your guess? You're just gonna embrace wild speculation when it comes to our well-being? Hey, you got yourselves out there.
I'm sure you can get yourselves back.

Speaker 28 Don't talk to me like you know know what you're talking about, Leif. I'm working with what I've got here.
Dear,

Speaker 18 I believe what Leaf is trying to tell us is that

Speaker 50 if we do this,

Speaker 41 lives will be saved.

Speaker 50 Is that right, Leaf? The damage could be cut in half if we give one of these asteroids a shove at the right time.

Speaker 50 Oh,

Speaker 50 snails.

Speaker 6 All right, Leif.

Speaker 28 Load us into your cannon and fire us across the circus tent. Starting calculation.

Speaker 6 Is this really going to work, Laif? Slamming a probe into a space rock? That's where I live.

Speaker 6 Best part about this is that Josh and Mallory are across the room right now and have no idea what the hell is going on.

Speaker 9 Hello.

Speaker 13 It's true.

Speaker 7 I have no idea what on earth is happening, but I'm suddenly feeling strangely hopeful. I'm just feeling strange.

Speaker 6 So, Laif,

Speaker 6 assuming this works,

Speaker 6 what kind of destruction are we looking at now? If I pull this off, we go from world-killing asteroid to really terrible global crisis asteroid. That doesn't sound much better.
No, trust me, it is.

Speaker 6 Planets can take a pretty big punch without losing atmosphere. If they can manage to evacuate the area of the globe the asteroid's going to hit,

Speaker 6 they might come out okay for the most part.

Speaker 6 It'll be several years of tough times, but they can get through it. Okay,

Speaker 6 that's the next thing. We need to know where it's going to hit.

Speaker 47 Those kind of calculations are nearly impossible.

Speaker 44 Got it right here. Who is this man? Western

Speaker 47 Good lord, there goes that trip to the outback we were gonna take.

Speaker 13 Asteroid strikes go, it could be worse. I was hoping for the South Atlantic, but Western Australia's got a lot of open space, not much population to evacuate.

Speaker 15 Yeah,

Speaker 15 I'm guessing three years of winter for the whole planet and a whole lot of environmental repercussions.

Speaker 15 But only for half of the planet, yeah, in this strange new world that Clementine has created, this is only going to happen for half the population.

Speaker 6 What is that even gonna look like? No idea. I've got some ideas.
Leave should get going with the Muckle Waymes. We'll do the other stuff.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Effie,

Speaker 6 Zebulon,

Speaker 6 we love you very much.

Speaker 6 Please remember that as Laif launches you headfirst into a real big rock.

Speaker 28 I feel at times that our Christian inclination for forgiveness is being taken advantage of.

Speaker 6 It definitely is.

Speaker 6 Good luck. I'm going to sign off.
I'll let you know when we're ready to launch.

Speaker 11 Okay, team.

Speaker 11 Let's play asteroid snooker.

Speaker 28 Life, I know your intentions are good, but I must tell you that I have never wanted to whoop someone so badly as I do now.

Speaker 11 I validate your feelings.

Speaker 3 Petition to start calling them the missile wanes.

Speaker 50 Petition denied.

Speaker 11 Hang on tight, you two. I'm going to have to adjust your position a little bit.
You're going to be turning away from Jupiter and into deep space. Are you ready? Of course we're not ready.

Speaker 9 Take my hand, dear. Here we go.

Speaker 11 Just a gentle turn.

Speaker 2 Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord.

Speaker 27 Okay, that's it.

Speaker 11 How does that feel?

Speaker 28 Real damn bad, excuse my language.

Speaker 50 I now miss facing the planet with the large red eyes.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 11 Hang there for a few minutes. I need to check fuel levels.

Speaker 3 Eppy, I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not enjoying this, but I want you to know that I am enjoying it less than you think I am.

Speaker 28 Casper, I can sense that smug look on your face at whoo boy!

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 11 I am beginning the countdown.

Speaker 42 Ah, there you are. It's a clear night.

Speaker 49 I thought I'd adjust the scope and see if I can get a look at her.

Speaker 47 I suppose now it's them. You...

Speaker 44 you can't see them, love.

Speaker 53 I know.

Speaker 47 Do you understand anything that's happening right now?

Speaker 42 Not at all.

Speaker 35 You seem to be taking it much better than I am.

Speaker 39 I know I am, dear, but that's only because I'm still quite inebriated.

Speaker 47 Are they really going to smash the Juno probe into an asteroid that only half of Earth can see?

Speaker 39 I believe they are.

Speaker 39 The strangest part is, they appear to do this sort of thing all the time.

Speaker 37 And who are they exactly?

Speaker 46 I've no idea, but I'm glad they're here.

Speaker 39 Do you think it's all madness?

Speaker 47 It's been madness since you discovered Ashley. The world's been torn apart.
Whoever these Americans are, they've told us that the madness is real. It's not in our heads.

Speaker 10 At least there's that. And that it all has something to do with an odd woman we met at the pub.

Speaker 47 Do you understand why I'm going along with all this?

Speaker 39 Because we've no options.

Speaker 47 Because it's been torture, Joshua. To suddenly be living in two different worlds has been torture.

Speaker 42 Well, you don't want to be living in my world. There's a large asteroid headed for my world.

Speaker 38 I'd prefer that world. Do you understand that?

Speaker 47 I'd prefer to be in a dying world with you than a thriving one without you.

Speaker 47 Not to make it in a Dell song, but that's truly how I feel.

Speaker 43 I feel the same, Mal.

Speaker 26 Truly.

Speaker 36 But even after all the nonsense that's gone on today, I still don't know what to do about it.

Speaker 6 Hey, you two. Let's do a quick experiment.

Speaker 10 Do you need to strap me to anything?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 6 Here, take this notepad and this pencil.

Speaker 9 Very well.

Speaker 6 In the notepad, I want you to draw a picture of Ashley from memory. Or both Ashleys, I guess, since there's two of them now.

Speaker 32 Why am I doing this?

Speaker 6 I'm trying to see something.

Speaker 45 Seeing something.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 26 Luckily I have superior drawing skills.

Speaker 42 Here we go.

Speaker 42 So one of them is quite fat in the middle, while the other has a bit of a curve to it.

Speaker 43 Big crater right in the middle of the fat one. And there are some meteoroids travelling along with them, bits and pieces.

Speaker 9 There we are.

Speaker 9 Great.

Speaker 6 Now show it to Mallory.

Speaker 3 Here they are, dear. It's our girls.

Speaker 15 Aren't they lovely?

Speaker 6 Mallory, can you see that?

Speaker 47 I can see them.

Speaker 6 Good.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 47 Great. What does that mean?

Speaker 6 There's been a firewall up between the two of you. You've been occupying the same physical space, but perceiving different ones.
You can't see his world, but he can show it to you.

Speaker 6 It's not completely obscured to you. He can show you what is happening.
He can communicate it to you.

Speaker 47 Why is that important?

Speaker 6 Because

Speaker 6 your world can't exist like this.

Speaker 6 Eventually the universe is going to try to right itself and what will help that is communication, contact between two worlds.

Speaker 6 If you keep that up, I think eventually you can be living in the same world again.

Speaker 6 You know,

Speaker 6 I've never been a fan of marriage.

Speaker 6 For me, it's like, marriage is great, but for you.

Speaker 6 You go do it and I'll be over here.

Speaker 53 I like that it's around, but it's not for me.

Speaker 6 Like skydiving.

Speaker 53 That looks like fun for you.

Speaker 6 I'll watch the video of you doing it and feel just fine about not doing it.

Speaker 6 But my old Sioux chef Caesar is married and has a ton of kids. Him and his wife fight all the time about everything.

Speaker 6 But it's part of their relationship. Like, I don't know what they would do if they weren't fighting.

Speaker 6 And sometimes when they're on the opposite ends of an argument, I wonder if they even live in the same world.

Speaker 6 I don't know. I don't think we're ever in the same world as someone else.
No matter how close you are, there's always this big space between you.

Speaker 6 You can't be inside someone else's head so you need to tell people what's going on in your world.

Speaker 6 Josh is about to go through a lot.

Speaker 6 His world is going to get very dark and there's not going to be anything you can do about it except listen to him. After this thing hits, the sun's not coming out for three years, Josh.
For years.

Speaker 6 Half of the people on this planet will be struggling to survive, while the other half looks at them like they're crazy.

Speaker 6 I wish I could describe it better than that, but I honestly have no idea what it's gonna look like. We're in uncharted territory.
So you're going to have to keep talking to each other.

Speaker 6 You're going to have to try and understand each other even though you can't understand each other.

Speaker 6 Understand?

Speaker 23 I think so.

Speaker 39 What should we do now?

Speaker 6 You're going to need to get the word out. You work here so people will listen to you.

Speaker 6 You need to warn everyone that what's left of Ashley is coming down in Western Australia. Leaf is leaving you with all of the information you need to prove it.

Speaker 6 Just get it all out there and warn people. Things will start moving pretty quickly after that.

Speaker 11 But before that,

Speaker 6 come on back to the diner. We're going to launch a couple of our friends at an asteroid.
Woohoo!

Speaker 38 You will tell me, won't you?

Speaker 47 When the sky gets dark for you? When the world gets too cold?

Speaker 47 I won't be able to feel it, but I promise I'll believe you.

Speaker 15 Of course I will.

Speaker 47 And do you think it's possible that we've actually hallucinated this entire encounter with an American cafe that happened to house a physicist who'd been missing for years and her strange friends?

Speaker 15 Certainly sounds like a hallucination, but I have enjoyed hallucinating it together.

Speaker 5 I as well.

Speaker 3 Folks, it's a beautiful day here at Cape Canaveral where everyone is waiting with anticipation for us to launch these two old-timey Baptists into a space rock the size of Wilmington, Delaware.

Speaker 28 You get a little too much pleasure launching your friends into the great beyond. You know that, Casper?

Speaker 11 Too soon, Effie.

Speaker 6 For what it's worth, my scientific opinion is that you're both going to be fine.

Speaker 3 It's also my former municipal worker opinion that you're going to be fine.

Speaker 28 I'll leave one and take the other. Thank you very much.

Speaker 7 Why are we in your car park?

Speaker 4 You'll see.

Speaker 11 Let's give them a countdown.

Speaker 6 Good luck, you two. Ten.

Speaker 43 Nine.

Speaker 4 Eight.

Speaker 11 Seven.

Speaker 26 Six.

Speaker 26 And

Speaker 4 three.

Speaker 20 Two.

Speaker 20 Ignition.

Speaker 47 What did I just witness?

Speaker 11 The Juno probe is on its way to Ashley 2.

Speaker 11 Should rendezvous in about a month and begin pushing it off course.

Speaker 11 The rest is up to you two.

Speaker 47 We'll do everything we can.

Speaker 31 Why are you speaking to us as if you're about to shove off on a boat or something?

Speaker 11 Almost time, Ava.

Speaker 6 You two, come over here.

Speaker 6 Stand right here, just off the parking lot.

Speaker 38 Why are we doing that?

Speaker 6 Good luck, you two.

Speaker 6 It's gonna be a lot, but I think we left you better than we found you.

Speaker 47 Oh, you definitely did, but what exactly is happening?

Speaker 6 Mallory, you were asking what happened to me. You said that people were calling me the disappearicist.

Speaker 9 They're not wrong.

Speaker 6 I'm on a whole other level now.

Speaker 20 Uh

Speaker 39 the I

Speaker 14 the

Speaker 43 cafe has vanished, dear

Speaker 40 dear. The the cafe's vanished

Speaker 44 as well, yeah.

Speaker 25 I did.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 9 not a hallucination, then?

Speaker 5 It appears not.

Speaker 7 Are you in shock, dear?

Speaker 27 I believe so.

Speaker 10 This may take some time to process.

Speaker 44 Agreed.

Speaker 44 Suggested course of action?

Speaker 47 Please take me to one of the pubs that has not been destroyed and buy me many drinks.

Speaker 38 I've got to catch up with you.

Speaker 47 It may take some time.

Speaker 42 Course of action agreed upon.

Speaker 43 Love you, dear.

Speaker 9 And I, you. Off we go, then.

Speaker 9 Hi.

Speaker 25 Hi.

Speaker 6 I know we left on a positive note, but

Speaker 6 the chances of two astrophysicists convincing all of Western Australia to evacuate are pretty slim.

Speaker 6 I know.

Speaker 6 It's entirely possible that there wasn't an asteroid in either of their universes until she heard two people talking about an asteroid hitting the Earth.

Speaker 27 I know.

Speaker 6 We need to stop this woman.

Speaker 6 I know.

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Speaker 3 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Speaker 28 Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 41 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

Speaker 28 We open at six.

Speaker 45 I'll do a few.

Speaker 36 I'll do a few zombies.

Speaker 14 Alright, okay.

Speaker 44 Sorry, zombies.

Speaker 47 Nobody knows anything about it. It's a nascent.

Speaker 4 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 47 Nobody knows anything.

Speaker 20 Nascent.

Speaker 3 See, I mean, really, the two of you could say anything, and I'd be like, that's just how they say it over there.

Speaker 4 You know, how would I know whether it was.

Speaker 13 If I was really proud of myself,

Speaker 47 I'd prefer to be in a dying world with you than a f

Speaker 47 it.

Speaker 5 The emotion is choking me.

Speaker 4 Sorry.

Speaker 7 But you'd left Cornell for some reason.

Speaker 6 Yes, I did.

Speaker 9 Whatever for?

Speaker 6 Because there were planes flying overhead. Chemtrails.

Speaker 14 Chemtrails.

Speaker 10 A church mouse in a brass band compared to the brand of quiet.

Speaker 25 Nope.

Speaker 10 A church mouse.

Speaker 10 A church mouse is. Nope, no.

Speaker 6 She was never gonna work again, so she dumped it all on me.

Speaker 6 Oh my god, planes.

Speaker 6 Where's everybody going?

Speaker 9 I don't know.

Speaker 9 Yeah, right.

Speaker 6 Turns out there is and isn't an asteroid.

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 29 It's look.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 4 Hello.

Speaker 4 Sorry, I went straight in.

Speaker 3 I went straight in.

Speaker 6 The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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