Chapter 9: Solitary, Poor, Nasty, Brutish, and Short

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with a class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

So,

tell me honestly.

What do you think of my cooking?

I don't know.

I mean, how honest do we want to get here?

Oh, come on.

I'm kidding.

I think you're a great cook.

Thank you.

For an engineer.

God damn it.

I don't understand.

You're an engineer.

Why have you been wandering around the universe working as a cook?

It's the curse of being an earthling.

What do you mean?

I think I mentioned this before.

To most space-faring civilizations, Earth is kind of.

The other side of the tracks.

Yeah.

A lot of star cruisers rolling up their windows as they drive past us, if you know what I mean.

Well, that's hilarious.

If you own a spaceship, you're not going to trust your helical accelerator to the guy whose entire planet is still fueled by setting shit on fire.

But they trust you to cook?

That's the hilarious part.

No matter where I go, people love earth food.

They do.

Why?

Because

it's so wildly irresponsible.

Think about it.

Earth food.

It's really bad for you.

How much of what's on your food even needs to be there?

But that's how you make it taste good.

Which makes sense to you and me, but for most alien races, it's this bizarre foreign concept.

Oh, get the fuck out of here.

Some aliens will take vacations on Earth just for the food.

Even though they think it's a dumpster fight.

Correct.

So is this like when rich people go on vacation and then they would come back and talk about what a mess the whole country was and oh my god, it's so dirty.

And then they would say, but the food was amazing.

Exactly.

That's us.

That's Earth.

Haven't you ever wondered why there's so many weirdos eating at roadside diners?

They're aliens?

Nine times out of ten.

So I was feeding aliens way before I came here?

No doubt about it.

Huh.

Hey guys, what's going on?

Leaf was just telling me how we all come from a dumpster fire.

It's true.

Earth is the bar and roadhouse before Patrick Swayze shows up.

Where's Ava?

Out in the parking lot again.

She's been like this for three days now.

Maybe we should do something.

How do you think that would go?

We found a dead Russian scientist in the deep freeze.

Leave.

We kind of spooked her.

Just let her be spooked.

On the bright side, Effie and Zebulon have been back to normal for the past few days.

I know, it's been nice.

We should get one of those signs that says this many days since an accident.

Yeah, except ours would say, this many days since your sentient radio quoted the Egyptian Book of the Dead, switched personalities, or steered you into a supermassive black hole.

That's way too long for a sign.

Yeah, life, that's way too long.

I was kidding.

My friends, we are growing close to our destination.

I trust we are prepared.

Prepared as we can be, Zeb.

Hey, Effie, any visions of our destination?

I, yes, well, actually,

my wife has fallen quite ill and could not join me at this time.

Oh, no.

What?

Yes, she has quite the fever at the moment.

She has yet to be freed from it.

That sounds serious.

Does she need to see a doctor?

I'm afraid the nearest doctor is many miles away.

It may be unwise in her infirmity state to take her on such a long journey.

She's sleeping now, and hopefully when she awakes, her fever will have broken.

When I was a a kid, my mom used to give me really spicy soup to sweat it out of me.

Do you have anything like that?

I'm afraid we don't indulge in such immoderations.

Let us know when she wakes up, Seb.

I will indeed.

Until then, we will have to make do with one Mucklewain.

Though it does feel strange to be sat in front of the microphone without her.

I'm sure she'll be okay.

I'm gonna go check on Ava.

Oh.

Hey.

Almost time?

Yeah, almost time.

I'm at my booth.

I'm going to go fire up the grill.

How are you?

Fine.

You?

Effie's sick.

She has a fever.

Huh.

That's never happened before.

Nothing.

A little prayer won't fix, I'm sure.

Okay, so it's gonna be like this?

Like what?

Nothing.

Do you want some coffee?

I think it's a skip straight to moonshine day for me, thanks.

You know where to find me.

And you know where to find the moonshine.

Here we go.

Okay.

This looks

super normal.

This looks like Wyoming or something.

Hey, I've never been to Wyoming.

This is how I imagined Wyoming.

Yeah, I imagined Wyoming like this too.

Although, wait.

Look.

see the horizon?

What is that?

It's a glacier wall.

Looks like we're in the uh Ice Age-ish.

I'm getting a strange sense that we've been to this place before.

We've been to the Ice Age before,

yes, but this exact place.

Why do you say that?

It's hard to explain.

I believe Leaf refers to it as vibes.

Zebulon, you can't say vibes.

It doesn't sound right.

Very well, Gloria.

Shall I say perturbations?

I don't know what it means, so it's way better.

Someone's coming.

Oh, shit.

Is that who I think it is?

Yes.

Oh, snails.

Perhaps it's best that my wife is asleep at this time.

Who's this, Chica?

Old friend of Ava's.

Really?

She's also the worst.

Well, hello there, Midnight Burger.

Welcome back, Jane.

Did you miss me?

Sure.

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Doctor.

Oh, hey.

You're new?

Hi.

Help me get this backpack off, would you?

Oh, uh, sure.

Oh, my God, that's a relief.

What brings us back to your neighborhood, Jane?

Being chased by a woolly rhino?

They went extinct about 5,000 years ago, Casper, but thank you so much for playing.

Where is my boyfriend?

Is that Jane?

Get out here, you!

Holy shit!

Oh, well, hello, sailor.

What the hell?

Leaf.

I have been studying in the field for six long years, and now, mama wants her biscuits.

Oh!

Okay.

Get up on that roof.

I'm going.

Don't make me chase you.

Oh, man.

Doctor, I am dying to catch up.

But if I don't go bang one out with Leaf, I think my hole downstairs may crumble to dust.

God forbid.

I'll be back.

You're disgusting.

I know.

Hey, talking, Radio.

Uh, yes.

Hello.

Hurricane Jane is what we called her.

A friend of yours?

College roommate.

What is she doing back here?

What are we doing back here?

Aren't these my questions?

She was Ava's college roommate.

She's a what?

Evolutionary biologist.

Right, whatever that is.

We picked her up at one point.

Once she wrapped her mind around what the diner was, she thought she would try and hitch a ride back to the Stone Age to study...

what?

Humans.

Right.

She's a.

She's a lot.

I can tell.

She was prepared to snap the tether and just spend the rest of her life studying cavemen, but now

here we are back again.

And her in life?

Yeah.

Gross.

Yeah.

Well, at least it's not imminent death, am I right?

Sort of.

Like I said, she's a lot.

Thank God you showed up when you did.

I really needed that.

My pleasure.

What's with this little radio?

How are you getting a reception?

I made it.

It's my little secret.

Whenever we're on an Earth that has radio stations, I have this little pocket radio that captures music and stores it.

I listen to it when I'm up here.

Does the talking radio downstairs know about this?

They do not.

I love Effie and Zebulon to death, but sometimes you just want to hear some music that was made after the Great Depression.

Know what I mean?

And you're adorably playing slow jams on it for your prehistorical hookup.

That I am.

Oh, Leafy.

These six years have been amazing.

I have learned so much.

Oh, yeah?

Give me some highlights.

Um,

oh, okay.

Remember how I had you make me that isotope tracker?

Yeah.

How'd it work out?

Amazing.

I was literally able to track food calories as they traveled through their bodies.

Sweet.

What does that mean?

Well, your average office worker back home burns about 2,500 calories a day, right?

Guess how many calories your average hunter-gatherer burns?

Um,

a crazy amount.

10,000.

Nope.

Also 2,500 calories.

What?

A hunter-gatherer human burns the exact same amount of calories in a day as an average modern human who works in an office and drives a Prius.

How is that possible?

How is that possible, Leif?

You tell me.

No way to know for sure without a lab.

It basically means the human body, whether it sits at a desk or forages in a field, burns 2,500 calories no matter what we do.

Which means that modern man, not having to burn calories on chasing down wild game, burns it some other way.

Like what?

My guess?

Inflammation, anxiety, autoimmune responses.

All of these things are the human body basically putting the pedal to the metal when the car is in park.

I guess it spends it there.

I think I'd rather spend calories on anxiety than on running away from a saber-toothed tiger.

Do you know how rare those are?

I've been here six years and I never saw one.

I saw a bison.

I saw small critters.

Oh, oh, oh, and

I saw those.

Come here.

What?

See?

There's a herd of them by that creek.

Oh.

Wow.

Those things are huge.

What are they?

Glyptodons.

Are they turtles?

More like huge armadillos.

Those are armadillos?

They're the size of a cock.

I know.

They're so cute, right?

Look while you can.

They'll all be dead soon.

Why?

There's not a meteor coming, is there?

No.

My sexy friend, the only meteor headed their way is our distant relatives.

We're on the brink of it right now.

The end of the younger dryas.

Pretty soon, humans will figure out that the glaciers are retreating for the last time, and it will be open season on anything that moves.

The Great Holocene extinction will begin.

They'll wipe out their food source, then realize they screwed themselves, then grow bigger brains to figure out how to unscrew themselves, then they'll start keeping animals animals and farming, and once they figure that out, their brains will shrink again.

And before you know it,

they'll be us

just like that?

Just like that.

It's kind of sad, actually.

It's evolution, though, right?

It's your field of study.

I guess.

You ever wonder if things could be different?

How do you mean?

I don't know.

Just different.

You know,

a little while ago, I got visited by not one, but two future versions of myself.

Oh, you did.

I did.

Since then, I have sworn off wondering about how things could be different.

That's the problem if you leave.

You're so laid back, you never decide to get weird with it.

I get plenty weird with it.

Come down here.

I want to show you something.

Okay, sure.

Uh.

Uh.

Jane.

Who are your friends?

These are my people, Leif.

Come down and say hi.

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Uh I didn't ask for coffee.

I asked for moonshine.

I'm giving you coffee.

Should it really be acceptable for two unmarried persons to just

grow up there and

do such things?

Relax, Zebulon.

There's not even a roof above them.

Come on, you and Effie never did it in the back of a pickup truck.

We do not have an automobile.

What does an evolutionary biologist do?

Studies the biological process of evolution.

Natural selection, speciation, all that garbage.

She's brilliant in her field, apparently.

I'd always see her getting grants and awards.

But wait, if she hitched a ride on Midnight Burger to get back to the ice age, there was no way for her to get back again.

Right.

She said something about growing beyond beyond writing papers and working in a lab, wanting to be the science.

She's nuts.

Evolution, you say?

Uh-oh.

I have deep concerns about this woman.

I read in the Gazette about a whole dust-up regarding this evolution business.

It all happened right across the river in Tennessee.

Zeb, you've met her before.

This is not news.

Yes, well,

sometimes Effie may do a bit of the listening for me, as I am so focused on the scripture.

Scopes monkey trial.

What?

Zeb's talking about the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Yes, that was it.

It involved a school teacher by the name of Scopes.

Sorry, I get excited when I know things around you.

It sounded like quite a mess.

People came from miles around.

I tell you this, I do not know what happens to one's disposition once they cross east of that Mississippi River.

Monkey talk.

Well, that did the trick.

Where's Leif?

Leif's gonna need a moment.

I may have sprained something in him.

Could I ask someone to make me some sort of food that isn't roasted over a campfire?

Gloria, would you mind?

Yeah, fine.

Thank you.

Casper, I don't suppose you've gotten your beer and wine license since last we spoke.

There's a jug of moonshine under the counter.

Bring it over here.

Moonshine.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, wow, where did this come from?

Harlan, Kentucky, 1934.

Of course.

This place is wild.

So, Jane, any idea why the diner came back here?

Please tell me it's not for whatever just happened on the roof.

I know exactly why I'm here.

I'm here to talk to my old colleague.

I can't be your colleague.

We're not in the same field.

Is that how that works?

Yes.

Okay, fine.

I'm here to talk to my old roommate.

Oh, really?

And why is that?

The diner hasn't come for me, Ava.

It's come for you.

You don't say.

It's brought you to me so that I can sit here and say to you

It's time to quit.

To quit?

Yeah.

Quit what?

Science.

Research.

Notes.

The whole shebang.

It's time to quit.

Why would I do that?

Leif was telling me he got a visitation from a couple of future versions of himself a while back.

He did.

Well, consider this a visitation from the past.

For six years, I have been camping out at the very beginnings of our species.

I have glimpsed the origins of us, and I am here to tell you with authority, we fucked it all up.

We did?

Yes.

Who?

Exactly?

All of us.

Collectively, like as a species, we fucked up our species.

Everything you've been doing is pointless.

You should stop.

I should stop.

Everybody should stop.

Is this an actual conversation we're having, or is this one of those conversations where you say things just to get everyone to look at you?

Fair point.

Fair point.

I definitely do that.

And I must say, it is intoxicating to talk to people that actually understand the words coming out of my mouth after six years in a land of no complex language.

But I am serious.

This is serious.

You have to quit.

But I don't want to quit.

Yes, you do.

I can see it.

Jane, what the hell are you talking about?

Sorry.

Let me start from the beginning.

Six years ago, Midnight Burger dropped me off at the end of the last great ice age.

Leaf had really set me up.

I had all kinds of wonderful whiz-bangs and whirligigs, and I was going to be able to observe early Homo sapiens from afar without them ever knowing I was there.

So I did.

I found a nice little nomadic tribe of humans making their way across what would one day be Central Europe, I think.

And as I watched them over the course of a year, I began to think about Thomas Hobbes.

Anyone?

Thomas Hobbes?

Who is that?

I am familiar with the work of Mr.

Hobbs.

What?

The talking radio?

So you've actually read something other than the Bible?

It may surprise you to know that I am quite well read, though I tend to stay with the things that are

my vibe.

Still no Zebs.

Do me a favor.

Do you have a copy of Leviathan?

I do.

Bring it down off the shelf for me.

I want you to read a passage.

Chapter 8.

One moment.

Okay, one plate of food that is not a mastodon or whatever.

That looks amazing.

What I missed.

Jane is apparently here to convince Ava to quit being a scientist.

What?

Why?

We're still trying to figure that out.

She's not going to quit being a scientist.

She really should, though.

No, she shouldn't.

She's great at it.

You don't quit something you're great at.

How do you know she's great at it?

Because when she talks about it, I have no idea what she's saying.

That means she's great at it.

I know it feels feels that way to you.

To me?

Oh,

to me?

It feels that way to me.

What's that mean?

No, I'm just saying.

You know what?

Give me that hamburger.

No, please don't, new girl.

I'm so sorry.

My name is Gloria, and I don't like what's going on right now.

Who are you, lady?

I'm not trying to upset anyone.

I just think this is an important conversation for us to have about Ava's future.

Well, Ava's a big girl.

She could take care of herself, but I don't like you, so you don't get a hamburger while you're doing whatever it is you're doing.

I'm so hungry.

Oh, are you?

Are you so hungry, lady, who didn't even know or ask me my name?

I'm going to sit here at this counter and eat your hamburger, and I'm watching you.

Get on with your nonsense.

I have returned.

Sorry, was that bad customer service?

It was very bad customer service, and I am now going to discipline you with this high five.

Chapter eight.

So, once upon a time, Thomas Hobbes tried to describe the nightmare that life would be if we had no society.

Start with the passage, in such condition.

In such condition?

In such, in such, ah, here.

In such condition, there is no place for industry, because the fruit thereof is uncertain, uncertain, and consequently no culture of the earth, no navigation nor the use of the commodities that may be imported by sea, no commodious building, no instruments of moving and removing such things as require much force, no knowledge of the face of the earth, no account of time, no arts, no letters, no society, and which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death, and the life of man solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

Ava,

I watched these people for six years,

and all of those things that Hobbs describes, I saw none of it.

These people are happy.

They have community, They love each other.

They protect each other.

They check each other for ticks.

They do.

They do that.

And you know what?

It's sweet.

It's ticks, Jane.

Jane, I don't think your argument is landing.

What are you getting at here?

What does this have to do with Ava?

It was all a waste.

My life's work, Ava's life's work, our collective life's work of making the society we live in, it was all a waste.

The humans I've been studying, they're happier than us, in some ways healthier than us.

They don't shut themselves off from each other.

They draw each other close.

Yeah, I don't want to draw people close.

Ava, why do we do this?

These scientific endeavors, why do we put ourselves through years of school, navigate the bullshit halls of academia?

We convince ourselves that it all moves everything forward towards some sort of glorious end, right?

It doesn't.

Over thousands of years, all we've managed to do is make ourselves more miserable, more alone, sicker.

Our only achievement through the centuries appears to be the towering mountain of things we have convinced ourselves of.

I know you feel it too.

I can see it in your eyes.

Did something happen?

Something shake your tree a little bit?

Let's have another drink.

Good.

This is some bullshit.

This is definitely some Class A bullshit, but I feel like Ava's kind of in a vulnerable place right now, so we should, you know, knives out.

Definitely knives out.

Zebulon, knives out.

I don't know what that means, but I believe I understand the vibe.

That was better.

Yeah, he's getting better.

Keep working on it, Zebulon.

Jane,

we're calling bullshit.

Okay, then.

Come at me, bro.

Jane, here's the thing.

You're saying that mankind was at its purest and happiest when we were hunter-gatherers, right?

Yes.

And that Ava should quit her scientific endeavors because moving society ever forward has just made us more miserable.

Also true.

Why change?

Things moved forward.

We started living in houses.

We evolved into a world where somehow corn is in all of our food.

We invented baseball.

If everything was so perfect, why did we evolve past that?

Because

evolution is bad.

What?

It's literally your life's work.

Hey, talking radio.

What's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled?

Convincing us he doesn't exist.

And the greatest trick evolution ever pulled was convincing us that it was good.

Well, I shouldn't say good.

Evolution isn't good or bad.

It's just a force that is completely and totally unconcerned with your happiness.

Evolution and progress aren't the same thing.

The goal of evolution isn't happiness.

Evolution has only one goal.

More babies.

It'll make you do anything it can for you to have more babies.

Animal husbandry, complex farming, hierarchical societies, land ownership, colonialism, all of these things led to a cascade of unhappiness and a whole heck of a lot of babies.

And a whole heck of a lot of other things too, right?

Come on.

Wow.

I did not expect an argument for colonialism.

Oh,

shut up.

I'm not arguing for colonialism.

I'm arguing for air conditioning and hospitals and antibiotics and gelato.

This is the question that philosophers have been asking since the modern age.

Does all of this progress, all of these modern advancements, do they make us intrinsically happier?

You can't truly know unless you were there before the advancements.

I was there for six years.

The answer is no.

I agree with her.

Zeb, not z out.

But her point is well heard.

It is not modern advancements that should give us joy, but rather the glory of our Lord and doing good works in his name.

Well, look at that.

I've got Jesus on my side.

But I've always thought that your most important words should go last.

The last words of the Bible.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.

Surely the most important part.

And the last word of Mr.

Hobbes' writing.

Short.

Their lives were short.

Lifespan.

Here we go.

As a straight white male, you know one thing about me.

I've watched a lot of history channel, and I know for a fact that the farther back you go, the shorter the lifespan.

Surely a longer life is a good enough reason to evolve.

Is it?

it?

Yes.

A long life is a good thing.

Is it though?

Jane?

Okay, fine.

I'll grant you that.

The modern world we're all from does seem to afford you a longer life.

Congratulations.

Okay, point for us.

But let me ask you this.

How much of that time is yours?

This long life of yours, how much of it belongs to you?

Odds are your average modern human will spend the majority majority of their waking hours in an office somewhere or a restaurant working to mostly benefit someone they'll never meet.

They'll have a few hours with their loved ones at night and then get a few hours of sleep and then do it all over again the next day.

Congratulations on a long life.

It doesn't belong to you, it belongs to your boss.

How is that any different from hunting and gathering all day?

They work 20 hours a week, Casper.

For them, when you're good at your job, it's over sooner.

We think that an affluent society is one where you have everything you want, but the real affluent society.

But the real affluent society is the one that wants less things.

Jane, this is the same diatribe that you would bombard frat guys with at parties.

All we need are red solo cups full of natural light.

And the only flaw in my argument back then was lack of evidence.

We can't truly know what life was like for early mankind because we weren't there.

I was there.

Then go back to the Planck Institute and make your case.

And tell them what?

I traveled back in time in a magical diner?

Like a reverse Cassandra.

You know the past, but no one will believe you.

Exactly, new girl.

She is good.

I like her.

Can I have my hamburger back?

Nope.

Jane,

what do you expect me to do at this point?

Like I said, the diner didn't come back here for me.

It came back here for you.

Well, that was a stupid thing for it to do.

I'm not going back home, Ava.

I'm staying here.

And I think you should come with me.

What?

That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life.

Oh my god, is she serious?

This was your plan all along?

This was your big pitch?

Ava, outdoors forever?

I'm with you, Zebulon.

This is a terrible idea.

Jane, what are you thinking?

You laugh, but I think you'd come to like it.

How come you're a doctor, but you're saying the stupidest shit right now?

I am imagining Ava trying to light a campfire, and it is very humorous.

Ava, maybe you should hear her out.

I mean, you do love being the smartest person in the room, and damn, would you be the smartest person in the room?

It is funny because cavemen are not intelligent.

Jane,

what were you thinking?

Did you really think that this was gonna go your way?

I thought I'd give it a shot.

No.

No,

she couldn't have known.

This is.

You knew it would play out like this.

What's going on?

She's stalling.

Why is she

Casper?

Go check the roof.

Oh, shit.

What's going on?

Where's Leif, Jane?

Damn.

I thought I could keep you guys going for longer than this.

Leif's gone.

Jane, where's Leif?

I mean,

he could be anywhere.

Maybe he went to buy real estate in the Bay Area while the prices are still low.

Which kitchen knife should I threaten you with, right?

Oh, she's feisty, isn't she?

Jane, what did you do?

See, Ava, all those times in college when I would go on a rant about the madness of man and the original affluent society, you thought I was just riffing.

I meant every word.

And now I can actually do something.

How about we skip to the part where the evil mad scientist reveals her plan?

He really despises a flair for the dramatic, doesn't he?

Jane,

right now.

It's going to be about 4,000 more years until they develop a god concept.

Right now it's just rudimentary symbology and superstition, but their brains aren't going to essentially change all that much over 4,000 years, which means that deep in their gray matter is a vacancy.

There is a god-shaped hole in their life, guys.

So I essentially filled that hole.

Holy shit, Jay!

I am their god.

What the fuck?

It was easy.

Leaf had given me all these great tools before I left.

I had a laser torch to make fire.

I had this cloaking device in my belt so I could disappear right in front of their eyes.

What more do you need?

I would appear suddenly, set something on fire, and then disappear.

They were terrified.

It was hilarious.

So their god concept developed real quick and suddenly I was running the show.

They'll do whatever I ask them to.

With Leaf's help, I am going to remake the world the way it should have been.

A simpler one.

A happier one.

This is heresy.

Oh, relax, Padre.

You're not the innocent one here.

You know it's no coincidence that hierarchical religions arose at the same time as hierarchical societies.

Work hard and you'll be rewarded in the afterlife.

Any of that sound familiar?

We're actually done with the theoretical debate portion of the day, Jane, so eyes on me, please.

Bring Leif back right now.

No.

No, I can't do that, Casper.

I need him.

About a year ago, I had everything set up.

I was their god.

They were building a shrine.

It was going well.

But I needed to kick it up a notch.

I'm really building something here, and I need someone with a particular skill set.

What am I to do?

I asked myself, and then suddenly

there was a diner.

I could have done this much more seamlessly, but when you showed up, I knew I only had 12 hours, so I had to improvise.

I thought I would come in here and distract you as long as I could while my minions carried Leif back to their village.

I thought I'd go for the Hail Mary pass and try to convince Ava to come with me.

But who am I kidding?

She's still got work to do.

You know they're never going to let you back in, Ava.

You can come back with all the evidence in the world, and you're still going to be the crazy lady they pushed into Emeritus status.

Okay, I'm thinking a chair, some rope.

I'll pour hot coffee on her.

Let's do some Montana.

The only thing you can threaten me with is to take me with you, but if you did, you'd be leaving Leif all alone on an ancient earth.

And he's such a creature of the modern age, isn't he?

And then who do you think my followers will blame when their god abandons them?

It's no use, guys.

Leif's mine.

You may as well let me go so that at least he's not by himself.

Besides, who among you can stand against a god?

Danielon!

Is that Edith?

My wife has awakened.

Let me go check on her.

No, no, I'm here.

Now give me the microphone.

I have returned from my fevered state to a sense of great dread.

What sort of nonsense transpires?

Jane is back, and she's kidnapped Leif.

Hi, radio lady.

I have no patience for the likes of you today, Jane.

As I passed through the depths of my sickness, I was presented with many visions.

Dark clouds gather around us, my friends.

Enemies, both overt and subtle, make their ways to our shores.

Shadowy figures and overwhelming forces.

We will need to be ready.

But, Jane,

of all the troubles in my various fevered visions, ain't none of them you.

you.

You're a waste of our time, and our time's gotten scarce, so will you kindly return life to us, or will I need to treat you like yesterday's periodicals and line my chicken coop with you?

I don't even know what that means.

Look, I'm sure all of you have strong feelings right now, but no matter how upset you are, I still have the upper hand.

You don't know where Leaf is, and it's a great, big world out there.

I'm holding all the cards.

I'm not playing cards.

I'm not playing with you at all.

This is your last chance, Jane.

Produce lay for

we'll have trouble.

This is getting ominous.

I'm a little scared.

Leaf

is mine.

We're going to make a beautiful world together.

So be it, then.

Okay, enough.

I'm going to go look for Leif.

He can't be far.

I'll come with you.

No.

Everyone, stay put.

Did the doors to the diner just lock?

They did.

Effie, what in the Amityville horror is happening right now?

Hush up, Casper.

Why

is there always someone like you, Jane?

One who thinks themselves so big that they can take from the course of creation all its wildness?

Do you truly believe that you can shape humanity according to your will?

Yes, I do.

I've been preparing my whole life for it.

Lord, forgive you.

Such folly.

Towers of Babel over and over again.

We truly never do learn, do we?

Effie, I know it's upsetting, but we really do need to find Leaf.

Never you mind, Casper.

I shall find him myself.

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So

you guys do cave paintings at all?

I hear those are popular.

I tell you what, a lot of artists worry that their work won't make a lasting impression, but cave paintings?

Evergreen.

You guys, great stuff.

What are we eating right now?

Is it that armadillo thing?

If so, that's impressive.

It's covered in armor.

I don't know how you find the weak spot.

The village is nice.

I mean,

I know it's temporary, but it's got a really homey feel to it.

Feels.

lived in, you know?

How often do you guys move?

Probably with the seasons, right?

Bet that's a bummer.

Hey,

since Jane's decided to totally mess with the timeline, I should really show you guys the wheel.

You're gonna love wheels.

They really change the game.

You know,

since we're bumping up against a language barrier here.

I would just like to admit out loud that I have terrible taste in women.

Real bad.

Really should take a look at that in the future.

If I have one.

Life.

Light, can you hear me?

Effie?

How did you know about my radio?

We have always known about it.

We didn't want to intrude.

And we did enjoy it when you would play the Bay City Rollers.

But that's neither here nor there.

We must act quickly.

I'm not sure what I can do.

These guys are huge and fast, and for some reason, they're doing whatever Jane tells them to do.

It's because she has used the newfangled gadgetry you have afforded her to appear to them as God.

She promised me she wouldn't do that.

And are we surprised at this juncture that she deceived you?

No.

No, we're not.

We must extract you from your captivity before it is too late, Leif.

How?

Here is the plan.

It gives me no pleasure to say it,

but I believe we must combat Jane's idolatry with

even

more idolatry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hear you.

When Zebulon starts up,

just be ready to

be impressive.

Got it.

Be impressive.

Mind if I sit?

Sure.

Why not?

So the sentient radio controls things around here?

I didn't pick up on that last time.

That is a very new development.

There's been a lot of those lately.

Any closer to the mysteries of the universe?

Are you seriously making small small talk with me after you kidnapped Leaf while pretending to be a primitive cave god?

I feel kind of guilty.

I feel like I've really discovered something in my field,

and you may never have a moment like that.

That's true.

But I do comfort myself in the fact that you are out of your fucking mind, and I am not.

That's fair.

I'm right though, Ava.

My evil plans aside, I was right about everything I said.

Right here, at this point in history,

this is where we started really hurting ourselves.

Jane, we are human beings.

We all have third-degree black belts in hurting ourselves.

No matter how deeply you study human beings, you're never going to be able to make them something they're not.

What do you think they're talking about over there?

I don't know.

Probably speaking in some sort of science language.

Probably not even words.

Probably sounds like a dial-up modem.

Exactly.

Hey, Casper.

Yeah.

After we get Laif back, I feel like things are about to get weird.

Yeah.

I get that sense.

Don't worry, though.

When they do, I'll take care of it.

Oh, yeah,

you're gonna take care of it.

I've got it handled, but I'm gonna ask for a raise.

Oh, a raise in this economy.

You know what else?

What

this shift is a total catastrophe.

But Leif,

he got laid.

He did, didn't he?

I've decided decided I'm gonna work on that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah,

my last date was with a dying robot.

How much worse could it get?

True.

You know what I think could work?

Bespar 9 in the Magellanic Clouds.

Okay.

What's going on there?

The whole planet is covered with 100-foot-tall pine trees.

How does that help me?

It's literally a planet of lumberjacks.

Oh,

now we're talking.

We've got to figure out how to steer this fucking thing.

We really do.

Oh, shit.

What?

We're surrounded by cavemen.

We are?

Oh, shit.

What now?

There's Leif!

Behold!

I am Lafe!

The god of the talking box!

All will love me

and despair

put on the whole armor of god that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against the rulers against the authorities against the cosmic powers over this present darkness against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Yeah,

what he said.

Oh,

look at him.

Such a hottie.

Gross.

Okay,

I give up.

Whoever runs this place, time to unlock the doors and exchange prisoners.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Doctor.

Goodbye, Doctor.

You make a good God.

I was thinking about it on the walk over here.

I would make a pretty good god.

No fire or brimstone?

Just the god of hanging out, right?

Exactly.

Sorry about the mess.

Not the biggest mess I've been in.

Does having you kidnapped maybe count as a romantic gesture at all?

To me,

it does.

And that is absolutely the problem with me.

Goodbye, Leafy.

Good luck controlling the world.

He is risen!

Leif, if you have a little black book, please burn it.

No kidding.

Welcome back, Leif.

uh so

if effie and zeb were in your radio

where are they now we are now returned to our proper place though i've no idea how my dear yes i am um not so certain myself y'all

i was deep in my sickness for many an hour I saw things I do not yet understand and understand things that were once obscure to me.

I have emerged a changed woman.

There is much to discuss,

but first,

I must speak with Ava privately.

Could you please give us a moment?

Ava, can you come here, please?

Sure.

What is this about?

Casper, come on.

Okay.

What's going on?

Ava,

while I slept, I believe I had a vision of the future.

I was flung far forward into time's narrow valley, and there I found myself in a jungle.

I have never seen a jungle before.

I can only imagine from what I have read in children's books, but I believe it was the jungle.

I saw someone there amidst the broad leaves, and I believe it was

my granddaughter.

She had my mother's hair.

She had Zebulon's square chin.

Her eyes were my own.

She looked up to the vast array of stars, but I feel as though she was not looking at them.

She was listening.

Is that possible, Ava?

For one to listen to the stars?

Yes, it's called a radio telescope.

I see.

So she could be a scientist like you.

My granddaughter.

If she was using a radio telescope, that would make her an astronomer, yes.

Effie, are you?

I can't believe I don't know this.

Do you have children?

The doctors have told us.

I know what the doctor has told us, dearest.

But I know what my visions have told me.

Oh,

oh my.

Ava,

I will need you to be brave now.

Okay.

I have returned with the notion that there is something in your mind.

There is something that you have wanted to do for some time now, but you've been afraid to do it for fear of how the others will react.

Is that true?

Yes.

You must do it, Ava.

And you must do it now.

I can't.

You must.

They'll hate me.

They will forgive you.

You must, Ava.

I've seen it.

God damn it.

Now you watch your mouth now.

Are you sure?

I have been sent back

from the brink of death

with nothing

but certainty.

Give me your hand, my love.

Yes, dear.

Go on, then, Ava.

I am not Effie Mucklewain, am I?

No.

What

am I?

I don't know.

Do it.

Ava.

Ava, Ava, what are you doing?

Holy shit.

Ava.

Oh, shit.

We're jumping early.

Everybody, hang on to something!

Everybody okay?

I'm fine.

Effie.

Zebulon.

I'm sorry.

What did you do?

I'm sorry.

Where the hell are we?

We're floating in space again.

Leaf, do you have any idea where we are?

Leaf, what the hell is that?

What the hell is

holy shit?

That isn't the supermassive black hole again, is it?

Nope.

Then what is it?

It's a

big

malevolent

thing.

that's bigger than the black hole.

It's an entire light year wide,

at least.

Anyone else getting the feeling that it's looking at us?

Yeah,

Ava, what the fuck did you do?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

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