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She'll figure it out.

Testing 123, can you hear me?

Does she broke?

Yeah.

I bet she can.

Yeah, that's not enough.

It's Friday night in Chicago, and you're listening to Midnight Burger.

It's like Tom.

All right.

If you're straggling in the back, there are two seats down here in front if you'd like to grab those.

Anyone?

Three seats.

Two.

Nailed it.

Please now running by the pool.

Okay.

We all getting situated?

Wonderful.

Welcome to the first ever Midnight Burger Live Show, everybody.

We don't know what we're doing.

Twas always thus, right?

Great.

Thank you all for being here, seriously.

For most podcasts, the live show is a money-making endeavor.

Oops.

Going back to the we don't know what we're doing for.

For us, for us,

we just felt like having a party with our friends.

Speaking of our friends, we've got a lot of friends here tonight.

As you came in, of course, you saw Tess, who plays Fiona on the show.

Tina Case is here, who plays Deidre.

Welcome to the Bird.

The amazing Lauren Grace Thompson is here, who plays Burt Burt the Younger on the show.

Jess Mudd is here, as you know, of Edgy Steve.

And of course, the dangerous Kat Blackard is here.

Midnight Burger is something that we are very proud of, but

it's only as good as the people who gather around it.

So truly,

to all of you, Thank you for gathering around us.

But

I want to move on to the most important thing,

which is free shit.

Now,

there are some,

you may have seen them on the Patreon, the tiny diner, created by the amazing Kiki from our Discord.

We have tonight four of them to give away.

We will be stopping the show intermittently to give away a diner.

Okay?

Tess will reach into the ticket thingy there.

If your number is called, please step to the mic.

You must answer one midnight burger trivia question correctly.

Okay?

Listen, you can get help from the audience.

It's fine.

It's not Jeopardy.

Don't worry about it.

Also, this evening, both Jess and Kat have been given coins, some magical coins

that they will be handing out for acts of virtue.

Virtue, I've allowed to be defined by them.

We cannot be held responsible for that.

One of them just fell on the floor.

So there's some free stuff involved in the experience tonight.

In fact, what we're going to do right now is give away, before the show even starts, we're going to give away our first tiny diner.

Can you start up the giving away a tiny diner music, please?

All right, Tess is stepping up to the mic.

She's going to tell us a number.

Everybody look at your tickets, please.

Hello.

I'm in my Effie trinket era.

Okay,

if your number is

3,060,

you get a tiny diner.

60-3000-60.

Amazing!

Very exciting.

You get a tiny diner if you get the trivia questionnaire right.

Please take that.

You must answer the question.

You got this.

You got this.

You got this.

You got this.

Hi, how are you?

What's your name?

Rita.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

You're doing a great job.

Thank you.

Your question is:

what was Lafe's hacker alias?

Oh,

we just listened to this.

the right ten problem.

Death.

Kid.

Death and kid is correct.

Tiny diner.

Tiny diner.

The first tiny diner is away.

All right, it's going to be a little chaotic tonight.

Okay, there's a lot of you who have been given some lines.

You're going to be the heart of the show.

Okay, if you are people who have been given signs, keep your eye on Tess.

Tess is the actor wrangler this evening.

She will be guiding you towards the mic when it is your time.

All right?

It's going to be great.

So,

without further ado, Midnight Burger Live.

Hello there,

hello there, Chicago.

My name is Casper,

and you are listening to

shit

you are listening to

WBEZ Chicago.

Chicago Public Radio!

How's everyone doing out there?

So

you may be thinking to yourself, who's this guy?

Why am I not hearing the usual Yale graduate who greets you on this public radio station?

Everything's fine, first of all, we want to stress that.

The second thing is,

we are here at the station experiencing a small technical glitch that we have yet to identify.

Now,

you may have heard the several minutes of noisy static that came before me, and we've gotten that to stop, so that's good.

And then there was a bit of a debate as to, you know,

hey,

should we just have dead air out there?

Or should we maybe

do things?

So

we are doing things.

Obviously, we have a few more things to figure out here at the station.

Things like, how does a radio station work?

Things like that.

But honestly, how hard could it be?

So,

to those of you who are a little worried right now,

we want to stress that everything is fine

and that the entire staff of WBEZ Chicago has not suddenly disappeared,

leaving behind puddles of goo.

Okay,

that is not what's happening

at all.

So don't worry about something that weird happening.

Okay, so

hey, it's a pledge drive this week.

So

call in with your donation to public radio.

That's it's very important.

We've got Gloria.

on the phone lines.

Gloria, how are we doing on donations?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Fantastic.

There is a number to call to make a donation today to WBEZ Chicago.

We do not know what that number is.

So we'll work on that.

Now, we realize that

one second, please, all of Chicago.

What is it?

I'm getting the strong suspicion that this is your first time on the radio, Casper.

You found me out, Miss Marvel.

Miss who?

Casper, what we mean to say is, though this is all a bit haphazard, no harm in putting on a bit of a show.

Yes, Casper, I admire y'all's desire to keep the show moving, but what's essential to the show going on is

the show part of things, Casper.

We are a bit out of sorts in most places, Casper, but, well, it's a radio station, and here we are, microphone in front of us.

Sauce, Casper.

It has to be put on.

Fine.

Sure, sure.

Okay, whatever.

Hey there, Chicago.

And now,

for your listening enjoyment, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain's hour of power.

Good day to all who can hear my voice.

I'm Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, y'all.

Effie, do my eyes deceive me or have we found ourselves once again in Chicago?

Your eyes are working just fine dear.

We are once again in the city of the big shoulders, the jewel of the Middle West.

We hope that our voices find you safe and sound and if not we aim to leave you more safer and sounder than we found you.

You know, Effie, every time we return to this metropolis on Lake Michigan, I can't help but recall one adventure in particular we had in Chicago.

I know the one you mean dear.

Strangely enough, it was not the time when everything was on fire.

Nor was it the time when all that mess occurred on that bridge.

We're going to tell you about the time that our friend Flafe made the Chicago River itself change direction.

Okay.

It may not be the usual programming, but it's better than dead air.

Why are we doing this again?

Shouldn't we find out what turned the entire WBEZ staff into a slushie?

Leif and Ava have no idea what happened, and since we can't do that, we're doing this instead.

We're just gonna take over an entire radio station for a day.

Unless you've got a better idea?

Leif, Ava, you guys ready?

I guess.

So ready.

Leif, I'd love it if you could change your attitude about our little plan.

I could be at Guaranteed Rate Field watching the White Sox play the Orioles right now.

Yes, or you could be doing your job.

Wait, Guaranteed Rate Field?

It's a mortgage company.

Are we back on the advertising planet?

They just let a baseball stadium be called Guaranteed Rate Field?

I'm not in the mood for commentary on late-stage capitalism.

I just want to watch some baseball.

Why not change the name of the game itself?

You're not watching baseball.

You're watching Doritos.

Everybody,

please remember my sensitivity to sports references.

Look, I've made my peace with it.

It's fine.

Let's go.

Yeah, you sound fine.

I've got a microphone in front of me, and I'm excited about it.

Gloria, what are we doing?

Please say a long and drawn-out analysis of an unsolved murder.

I thought we could do Science Friday.

The two of you just talking about science news.

Fine.

I guess science is okay.

Casper will be in the producer's booth.

He'll give you the topics.

I don't know how any of this works in here, so it should go fine.

Leif.

What?

Do you know what I'm about to say to you?

Yeah.

We're going to be talking about Earth and science, and I need you to not go to the mad place, okay?

Nothing puts me in a good mood like the scientific advancements of the Earth.

I propose we make Leaf real mad because mad Leaf equals ratings gold.

I'm not watching a baseball game right now, so I'm already mad.

See?

We're almost there.

Guys, we're doing damage control here.

An entire radio station's worth of people has suddenly gone poof.

So I really want to hold off on the antisocial behavior from the both of you.

Let's try and make this as smooth as possible.

Um, excuse me?

Anti-social?

Yeah, Ava.

If you haven't caught on yet, constantly reminding everyone that you're smarter than they are is anti-social behavior.

Not if it's true.

Even if it's true.

Who died and made you Mary Ainsworth?

Mary Ainsworth died in 1999, so maybe her.

It's not your time to speak right now.

To return to my point, be nice.

Don't get mad.

There may be kids listening.

Kids.

Think about the kids listening.

Let's think about the kids, Lee.

Hey, kids, get a science degree and condemn your life to administrative rollbacks.

Hey, kids, get a science degree only to get sucked into one of three fields: weapons, oil exploration, or app development.

Guys.

Where is my award for having to do things like this?

Where is my award for having to deal with either one of you?

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, we'll stop.

Come on, it'll be fine.

It'll be like sitting in on a first grade class.

Here we go.

And just like that, we're giving away another tiny diner.

Here we are, folks.

Tess stepping in.

Stepping up to the mic.

What have we got, Tess?

We've got

3-0-0-0-1-6.

Yay!

Step on up to the microphone.

Becky!

Your name, please.

Becky.

Hello, Becky.

Welcome to the show.

Becky, you're one step away from a tiny diner, but I have one question for you.

Who did Bert Burt go to Earth disguised as?

Julia Roberts.

That is correct.

Congratulations, Lafayette.

You can have fascinating.

They did it.

Amazing.

And back to it.

And to this day, Laife gets real mad.

The people think it was all because of some fellow named William Boldenwick.

An entire river changing course.

How about that?

It stirs the soul to behold the things we can achieve together.

On that note, y'all, how about we move along this little baton to the world of our achievements?

Casper, what awaits us in this modern world of ours?

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Science Friday.

I'm here with Dr.

Ava Maddox.

Don't put my name out there.

Well, what the hell do you want me to do?

I'm Jay Harlow, three-time Mungo Rodeo champion.

Seriously?

You heard me.

I didn't know we could do fake names.

Ooh, can I be Oopsnart the probability demolition expert?

What?

No, what does that even mean?

Never mind.

Anyway, Jay Harlow, three-time Mungo Rodeo Champion,

we've got all kinds of science news to talk about today.

Are you ready?

I can't wait.

It's called Nealia Tianganesis, and it's a brand new space bacteria.

China has started to find the infectious bacteria on the outside of its space station.

Uh-huh.

Rod-shaped?

Makes little spores?

Uh,

uh, yes?

Yeah, that's not a bacteria.

What is it?

Let's just say you don't want to meet its parents.

Great.

Science news.

Okay.

Here we go.

We've just discovered that Saturn has over 200 moons.

Yeah, wait until they find out that three of those are fake and one of them is a mall.

Okay, can we...

Can we be serious here?

I'm being serious.

What's the food court like?

Could be better, honestly.

Okay, trying Ava now.

Dr.

Maddox, physicists have built what they're calling a black hole bomb.

That sounds terrifying.

Sounds amazing.

This is the thing they're doing with super radiance, right?

Uh, I do see that word here.

Yeah.

That's neither a black hole nor a bomb.

But they're calling it a black hole bomb.

They also call fruit loops part of a balanced breakfast.

Fruit loops also sound amazing.

A rotating, axially symmetrical body that absorbs electromagnetic radiation, like a metal ball or whatever, can exhibit super radiance under the right circumstances.

Oh.

Okay.

And then you surround it with reflectors.

Right.

So the energy is sent back into the rotating body and it compounds the energy on itself.

That's some pretty amazing output.

And then you add a focal chamber and then boom, right?

Huge gun.

Why aren't you talking about a gun now?

You'd definitely destroy your target, but you'd also destroy yourself and the fabric of space-time.

I'm listening.

Hey, remember the kids?

Science is needed, not for making guns.

That's true.

Kids, guns are bad.

Let's take some cards.

Okay, Leif and Avon, the air is not the most responsible thing in the world, but it's not dead air.

That is true.

I can't say they're made for the the airwaves, but they ain't dull.

Certainly more adept than our first time out, dear.

Oh my lord, that is true.

What a memory.

You guys seem to be enjoying yourselves.

I will admit, it's nice to get back to our roots, Gloria.

We had very little know-how, and a radio tower in our field made of scrapwood.

So it was legal to just make a radio station back then?

Well,

no.

It most certainly was not, Gloria.

But the law enforcement was a little bit lazy back then, and since we were the only ones with enough crazy in us to make ourselves a radio station,

we added a little windmill to the top of the tower so as to throw off the casual observer.

The airwaves were a bit wild in those days.

You never knew how far your signal was going to fly.

Though I did hear tell that one time they caught our signal all the way up here in Chicago.

Glad to see that there are still places like this keeping the old dream of ours alive.

Though we are concerned for what may have happened to all of them.

Keeping the lights on around here is certainly a good deed, Gloria, but shouldn't we be setting ourselves to the task of unraveling the mystery of their disappearance?

We are.

Trust me.

We may not know what happened to the staff around here, but I know if we can keep Leif and Ava talking long enough, they'll eventually stumble ass backwards into a solution.

That's just how they work.

I see.

Very shrewd, Gloria.

That being said, be ready to jump on the air at a moment's notice.

This could all go bad anytime.

We're here with bails on, Gloria.

And just like that, we're going to give away another tiny diner here.

Let's go.

What's the number test?

The third recipient is 300021.

Your name, please?

Joey.

Welcome to the show.

This is a tough one.

Are you ready?

You can do it.

What does David name the gun given to him by Tita?

Is it Rihanna?

Oh my god!

You did it.

Amazing.

Please take good care of it.

We think about them all the time.

All right.

And back to the show.

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Midnight Burger is brought to you today by Shaker and Spoon, where you can get $20 off of any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com slash Midnight Burger.

Cast members and avid cocktail makers Neil and Julie gave Shaker and Spoon a try.

It's a cute little box and you open it up and it's filled with a whole bunch of recyclable packaging material and cute little bottles and fun instructions and really cute written postcards with recipes.

Each monthly box arrives with three original recipes created by world-class bartenders as well as enough ingredients for 12 cocktails, four from each recipe.

I mean, I've got a pretty solid bar by most like home bar standards, but I don't like get things that they sent.

Like I don't go out and buy black pepper walnut bitters and like cardamom bitters, and they had a bunch of spice syrups mixed up and stuff.

Each box revolves around one type of liquor.

So just add one bottle of liquor.

and you're ready to go.

It's all very clear because everything's labeled and each cocktail has its own ingredient card or instructions card.

So

each one has its own recipe and like backstory and everything on a card.

So yeah, it's all easy to figure out.

They'll have everything you need

except for the egg.

There are even two enormous lemons in there.

There's actually food in there.

Lemons, fresh citrus.

So the only thing we needed was booze and for one of the cocktails we needed an egg.

They didn't send an egg, which I think is prudent.

Good idea.

You can learn new techniques while creating excellent craft cocktails.

They have sourced these cocktails from people in the business.

And like I'm checking the CVs on some of the people that they dropped and they're like legit heavy hitters working at serious cocktail bars.

It's also a great gift idea.

Literally all you need to know about your gifty is their email address.

I think it would be good for really smart, cool, and beautiful people.

Oh, like our listeners.

Yes.

And one of the cool things here is that there's enough to make there's enough to make three different cocktails and to make four of each.

So you could make it like a little social thing, right?

Like have you people over?

Hey, I got my new shaker and spoon box.

Let's uh come over Friday night.

Let's see what these are.

Going out to the bar has become a little more complicated these days.

So throw an epic cocktail party at home and save $20 off any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com/slash midnight burger.

Okay,

let's take another question.

Caller, what's your question for our scientists?

Hey guys, love the new format.

I heard NASA found water on Mars again.

Does this actually mean we're closer to finding life there?

What do you think, Jay Harlow, three-time mungo rodeo champion?

Will we finally get confirmation of life outside our planet?

Look,

I say aim higher, okay?

I hate Mars.

Mars is over.

Maybe it was nice a few billion years ago, but now it's a cat box.

In my neighborhood, we call Mars a DD, developmental designate.

It'll be a better methane farm than a nice place to live.

Hey, but don't worry.

I'm sure one day we will finally get confirmation that we are not alone in the universe.

Let me ask, on behalf of the listeners, when we finally get that confirmation of alien life,

will it be in your pants?

Don't start.

Close encounters of the 69th kind.

All right, everybody.

Taking another call.

Caller, what's your question for our scientists?

Hey guys, long time, first time.

Is time travel actually possible according to Einstein's theories?

Kids, listen.

I realize that everyone wants to build a time machine so they can go back and sleep with all the right people this time.

But I need you to live in the now, okay?

The only reason you're calling them the good old days is because you're not remembering them correctly.

Next question.

You're not going to expand on that at all?

Next question.

Caller, what is your question?

Hey there.

I spend way too much time worrying about my passwords.

They're really complex, but I still don't feel better.

In the future, are we really going to have quantum computers that can break all our passwords?

Caller,

you don't need to wait for a quantum computer.

I can tell you right now that all of your passwords are garbage, and I can crack all of them within 10 seconds while simultaneously playing Cave Story.

Infosec on Earth is like a thundershirt for your dog.

You feel better about it, but there's still a typhoon outside, okay?

Next color!

We're on fire now.

Hey, guys.

I had a question about the principle of fecundity.

Boo!

Next caller!

Hey, Bob!

Can we get one of those toilet flushing sounds?

No!

You can't!

Next caller, Casper!

We're crushing it!

Fine!

Uh, caller, they're not going to answer your question, but why don't you go ahead and ask it anyway?

Hey guys, um, I'm in kind of a jam.

My repeller bike just crapped down on me in the middle of nowhere.

I don't know what's going on.

Can you help me out?

I'm sorry.

Can you say that again?

Yeah, my repeller.

I was outside the city and I lost all of my hover power.

I don't know what happened.

You're

on a repeller bike.

Yeah.

Where exactly?

I'm just outside of Bumble Fay.

Bumble Fay.

Yeah.

Bumble Fay

on

Esox Lucius.

Yeah, dude.

Esox Lucius is in Andromeda.

Uh, yeah,

I know that.

Leif, what's going on?

We appear to be getting a call from another galaxy.

Okay?

That's weird?

Yeah.

Look, can you help me or not?

What do I do?

I guess help them with their bike.

Uh,

caller,

you realize radio waves travel at the speed of light, right?

Um, no, but I don't really care about that right now.

Okay.

Uh uh

have you checked the carbon packs?

Is there any buildup on the trans connector?

Uh, hang on.

Leif, what's going on?

Someone in Andromeda is hearing the show in real time.

That's weird.

It would take a radio signal two and a half million years to get to Andromeda.

Definitely weird.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, that worked.

Thanks for the help, man.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hang on.

They hung up.

What the hell was that?

You see, Gloria, it's like we were saying.

When the weather's right, you never know how far your voice will travel.

The important thing is that we help.

True, dear.

That poor soul was stuck in the mud.

There may be some things that are a little more important.

Casper, put another call through.

Okay.

Uh, caller, you're on the air.

Hey, guys, thanks for taking my call.

I'm on Christopher Kai right now.

Do you guys know a good place to get donuts?

Donuts.

Yeah.

On Christopher Kai.

Uh-huh.

Uh,

the Kiwi Duckling?

Oh, yeah, I forgot about them.

Thanks, guys.

And Christopher Kai is.

It's in Triangulum.

Are we broadcasting a radio show to the entire triad right now?

That's impossible.

Seems to me that's what we always say right before the thing we say can't happen happens.

What?

Casbird, take another call.

Okay.

Hey, Caller, you're on with,

you know, all of us.

Oh!

Hi!

Berts?

Bird, Birthday!

Birthday!

Lafe, what the fuck is going on right now?

What do you mean?

Well, what do I mean?

The entire triad is apparently getting a little radio show from Earth right now.

The triad is always getting radio shows from Earth.

The entire triad all at the same time?

Right.

Uh,

yeah, we're noticing that now.

Oh, well, thanks for noticing.

What the hell is going on?

We're working on it.

Oh, work faster!

Just so we're clear, is this a universe where you hate me or a universe where you're kind of okay with me now?

The second one doesn't exist.

Okay.

Okay, I look.

I'm sorry, it's annoying, but we'll figure it out, okay?

Lafe, I'm not calling you because it's annoying.

I'm calling you because in case you haven't figured this out either, you are currently sitting on Earth, broadcasting your location to the entire triad.

Oh.

Yes.

Oh, Laith.

That's not great.

So where do you think every one of your enemies is heading right now?

Here, I guess.

You think?

We need to get out of here.

Yeah, time to pack your little bag of gadgets, Camper.

Okay, well, uh,

thanks for the call.

Uh-huh.

Uh, uh,

how are you doing?

Oh, fuck off.

Bye, Bert Bert.

She sounds like she's doing great.

I love that she checks in.

Guys,

this is bad.

We need to get out of here.

We can't get out of here.

We haven't figured out the problem yet.

Can we just chalk this up as a loss so we can get out of here with our lives?

This radio signal acting weird is our first league today.

We have to keep going until we know what's going on.

I don't know that we have to.

Well, according to Bert Bert, the only one in danger is you, so I'm fine.

Casper, take another call.

Hey there, Chicago.

So I'm sure what you've been listening to for the past several minutes sounds like some sort of fun audio performance art, but you know, that's the importance of public radio, folks.

It brings you programming that isn't subject to trends and market pressures.

What other radio station can say that?

With that, we are now going to continue to take calls from outer space now.

Caller, what can we do for you today?

Life?

Life?

Is that really you?

Hello?

You disappeared.

And then suddenly I hear your voice everywhere.

What's the meaning of this?

No

way.

No way!

Oh my.

Oh Lord.

Who's this?

But Jolin?

We were betrothed!

And then suddenly

disappeared.

Oh, God.

And then I'm told you're a pirate.

You're not a pirate, are you?

No.

Not right now.

Is there a woman there with you?

Uh, no.

Uh.

I can't believe this.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for my family?

Majolinth, listen.

There is simply no way I can describe to you what's happening right now.

Well, that simply won't do, my love.

You must explain yourself.

My love?

Who's that?

How many women are there with you right now?

Bajolinth?

Bajolinth, listen, I am in a lot of danger right now.

And I don't have time to explain.

You better bet you're in a lot of danger.

My father is furious.

Please, listen.

He has shed three layers of feathers, Leigh.

Three layers!

Three layers sounds like a lot.

Please don't make it worse.

And who is that?

Are you sitting there with your other pirate friends making fun of me?

There are no pirates here.

Yar, what do you mean?

We're all brothers under the jolly Roger.

This one needs some fresh newspaper in the cage, dear.

Perhaps a cob of corn to chew on.

Is the joke here that she's a bird person?

Everybody shut up for a second.

But Joel Lennon, listen.

I'm not with another woman.

I'm not with pirates.

I'm here with some friends, and we may be in a lot of trouble, okay?

Send me your location.

I'll send a ship immediately.

All I've been doing is broadcasting my location.

That's the problem.

I'm so confused.

I know that.

I owe you a very long and complicated conversation.

But I can't do that right now.

I really have to go.

This is absolutely unacceptable.

Please hang on.

Okay.

You know, it really is amazing how birds can mimic human speech like this.

Can we be done, please?

No.

Why?

Because you two haven't figured out how to bring back the staff of WBEZ yet.

We're still waiting for you to have an idea.

Do you have an idea yet?

No.

I feel like I'm on the brink of one.

I think the only solution is to take more calls.

I agree.

This sucks.

Relax.

It'll just be another alien with car trouble.

They can't all be your ex.

Carler, you're on.

How can we help you today?

Hi.

Hi.

Did you have a question about science or need a recommendation for donuts?

Because I guess we're doing that now?

I actually

have a question about sharks.

Sharks?

Yeah, sharks.

Dead eyes, lots of teeth.

Y'all have an entire week dedicated to them.

We're familiar, sure.

Well,

is it true they have to keep swimming or they die?

Uh well, uh w we we don't have a marine biologist here today, but uh I'm pretty sure that's that's the case.

Yes.

So they have to keep swimming all the time,

always moving.

Yes.

Even if they like where they are.

Even if they found a nice spot in the ocean, they have to keep going.

They die otherwise.

That sounds like a pretty desperate lifestyle, but on the other hand, sharks don't strike me as having deep and unrequited desires in the first place.

Which is probably why they feel comfortable constantly tearing a path of destruction across the entire ocean.

They feel nothing,

which would make the feelings of others irrelevant

because they can't understand them.

This is an oddly intense call about shark behavior.

Not all of them have to keep swimming.

Some of them have learned to live on the ocean floor.

Mmm, the bottom feeders.

Yes!

The toothless ones.

I don't know what's the point of that.

You know, the teeth are the fun part of being a shark, I would imagine.

Why give all that up?

Maybe it feels good to know they're not hurting anyone.

Mmm, And how do you explain that to all the shark attack victims out there?

I wonder.

You may be toothless at the bottom of the sea now, but that doesn't heal any of those scars out there.

Except

maybe your own.

I get the distinct sense that they are not discussing ocean life.

Definitely.

I myself am looking forward to hearing the doubles behind these entendres.

Anyway, just a thought I was having out here in the ocean.

Love the show.

Hope it doesn't get you killed.

Okay.

Thank you for that very awkward conversation about sharks.

Leave, you okay?

I'm just going to put my head down on the table for a second.

Caller, you're on with whatever this show is now.

What can we do for you?

Leave?

Susa?

Bior.

I thought that was you woo woo woo woo I was hearing.

How are you, woo woo woo?

I'm.

I'm good.

This is so whoa, whoa, whoa, funny.

I was just thinking about you woo-woo.

Nothing bad, I hope.

I don't think I can take much more of that today.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa, Laife.

I'm back on Oorbis now, and I'm sharing my story with the others.

Your name came up a few times.

What's go-wo-woe-ing on?

You're giving the triad a little show, whoa, whoa, right now, I'm all about that.

Yeah,

it's been a pretty weird day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I see you're doing that thing again where you woo-woo get mad and everybody hates you woo woo woo woo woo.

Yeah,

I'm

really good at that.

Well, try not to get dow wow wow wow wow on yourself.

Remember what I always said?

This is the only version of me, so it's the best version.

Right.

The problem with that

is

I keep running into other versions of myself.

I'm sure, but you woo-woo no, whoa, whoa, that's not the point.

I know.

Such a silly goo-woo woo-woo-woo.

I know.

How are things on Orbis?

Oh, whoa, you know, whoa, whoa, how Orbit is.

Just flow, whoa, whoa, wing through it.

You know, whoa, I've been thinking about your problem.

Which one?

Some people have gone missing?

Yeah.

And also, oh, woe, your broadcast is covering an impawa civil distance?

Yes.

The two woo must be related, right?

I don't know.

You know,

here on Owoberbis, we believe that every reality is in fact layers upon layers of reality wo-woven into a tapestry.

And then when one thread of the tapestry becomes damaged, we can find our world being amplified or nullified in myriad ways.

I like where your head's at, Orb.

Keep talking.

Imagine, if you will, a large painting, but you are standing only inches away.

You wouldn't see the painting.

What if those

who have disappeared are there, but their reality has been stretched to such an extreme size that you can no longer be seen?

What would a symptom of that be?

A radio signal being stretched out so much

that it can span three galaxies.

Yes!

What if your missing friends are not lost, but are struggling to be seen by the rest of their reality?

I love it.

And the radio signal, because it's a wave, can be heard by us, but the missing people can't be seen or heard.

Because of their physical affiliations.

Which means we can use the radio signal to bring this reality back into a symmetric state.

Leave!

The orb is dope!

I don't understand any of this.

Leave, let's go.

We need to generate some antiparticles.

What's that going to do?

Trust me.

Okay.

Hey, Susan,

thank you so much.

Of course, Lave.

It's good to hear your voice.

I'll listen in to see how, well, it all ends.

Okay.

Wow.

Me Veneva have now left the studio, which I guess that means the show is over.

They have, of course, forgotten that there is is still a broadcast going on.

And I'm now sitting here holding the bag while they try and go save the day.

And if I had a dollar for every time that's happened,

Gloria, what should I do here?

Don't worry, the Mucklewades have got it.

Welcome back to Not Too Late.

This is Dr.

Barbara.

Frank, I've said it once.

I've said it a thousand times.

Sage.

Sage, sage, sage.

I'll go to my grave saying it.

Sage is important.

Our personal environments are so essential and so overlooked, Frank.

Where is your temple?

Where is your foundation?

You know, I finally have that meditation pool in my backyard.

And finally, I can really commune with the universe.

And when I do, when I'm out there in the evening or the morning surrounded by sage, Frank.

Sounds real nice, Doc.

You want to know a little secret?

I got sage in my tea right now.

You are lousy with sage, Doc.

I am, I really am, Frank.

Let's take some calls.

calls.

Who we got out there?

Doc, we've got Lizzie R calling in from Madison, Wisconsin.

Hey, Dr.

Barbara, I'm the only one in my friend group who's still single.

How do I enjoy their couple-focused gatherings without feeling like a third wheel?

Oh, this is such an important question, Lizzie.

Thank you so much for calling in.

You know, I talk to Frank about this all the time.

I have been single all my life,

but I have many lovers.

It's true.

My lovers and I, we are on a journey together.

We laugh together.

We cry together.

We travel together, Frank.

Angkor Watt one time.

You know, Lizzie, at one point I had to admit to myself that I contain multitudes.

In fact, my multitudes contain multitudes.

And yes, there may be all those voices out there saying that one should find their soulmate, but I'm sorry.

There are just too many beautiful souls out there.

Isn't that right, Frank?

Like a pin station of romance.

Pin station, Frank?

You are too much.

Lizzie, there are so many romantic voyages out there of all shapes and sizes.

I simply do not know why some silly goof decided that they should all look alike.

What do you see for yourself?

But more importantly, what do I see for you?

Hmm.

Lizzie,

for whatever reason, I hear your voice and I think, Tierra del Fuego.

Whatever that means to you, let's take another call then.

Doc,

up next, we've got Sylvie calling from Toronto.

Whoa, hey there, Sylvie.

Hey, Dr.

Barbara, I'm 28, and I feel like everyone around me has their life figured out while I'm still trying to find my purpose.

How do I stop comparing myself to others and find my purpose in life?

Thank you so much, Sylvie.

A heavy question, Frank.

Can you feel the weight of it right now?

Like a medicine ball.

Absolutely.

You know, Sylvie, it may shock you to hear this, but Dr.

Barbara didn't spring right up out of the ground like a dandelion.

No, no, no, no, no.

It wasn't until I had spent about 30 years on this lovely planet of ours that I decided it was time to get my doctorate in chakra and energetic healing

from the University of Universality in Barbados.

It was there that I met my mentor and spirit guide, Professor Thaddeus Newcombs VIII.

There I was, just a babe in the woods.

And the professor looked me in the eye and he said to me, Are you here?

Or are you here?

Wise words.

I was shaken, Frank, shaken.

And that's the question I'll pose to you, Sylvie.

Are you here?

Or are you

here?

Goosebumps, Doc.

Let's take another call, Frank.

Doc, up next, we've got Dave B, who is getting sick of being the designated driver.

Uh-oh.

Hey, Dr.

Barbara.

I'm going to tell you, I'm tired of always being the designated driver.

I mean, I don't drink that much, so my friends think that

just because I don't drive and they never offer gas or money or even say thank you anymore.

How can I get my friends to stop taking advantage of me?

I can hear the frustration in your voice, Dave.

I want you to know that I hear that.

And I'm right there with you.

I myself don't enjoy alcohol,

It deadens my senses and takes me away from the present moment.

And that's a shame that your friends are taking advantage of that.

Here's a little tip from me to you.

These days, I found that I like to enjoy a gathering after I've had at least two grams of psilocybic mushrooms.

The right amount of mushrooms at the right gathering,

and you can really raise the roof on that place.

I mean literally.

I mean you will see the roof literally rise off the top of the building.

It's wonderful.

Now, some may ask you why you're doing this.

Some may ask you to share.

But you know what they're not asking you to do, Frank?

They're not asking you to drive.

That's correct.

You are not driving that night.

No one is going to ask you to drive them home if you're not even on the same plane of existence, Dave.

That's a tip from me to you, all right?

Well, that was a hoot.

Those callers.

It's time for me to refill this HT of mine and for us to take a little break.

We'll be right back after this.

And we're good to go another tiny diner, everybody.

Jess, if you could please mix up the tickets, give us a good number.

The last teeny tiny diner is going to

300033.

I might have said this.

Okay, here we go.

Hello, your name, please.

Claire.

Hello, Claire.

Welcome to the show.

Here is your question.

It's not really a question, it's more of a challenge.

In one try,

say the word extrajudicially.

Extrajudicially.

That's cold, man.

That's rough.

Excellent.

Congratulations on your tiny diner.

Woohoo!

And here we go, back again.

Okay, Gloria, we're on the roof and we're about to turn the thing on.

Do I want to know what you're turning on or does it matter?

Honestly, even I don't understand it.

This is an Ava thing.

Gloria, think of it like you're zoomed in too close to a photo.

The photo is still there, but you're too close to see it.

The WBEZ staff is still here.

We just can't see them because their level of reality is spread too thin.

That's why the radio signal is allowed to stretch across three galaxies.

As soon as Leaf starts sending out this altered signal, there's going to be a lot of confused employees walking around.

Okay, let me know when you're ready.

Are the muckle wains still going?

No, Dr.

Barbara said she had an appointment for an aura peel.

No idea what that is, so it's just Casper now.

Oh god, what is he doing?

Honestly, he's kind of crushing it.

Okay, folks, we're back once again.

My name is Casper, and I will be answering all of your DMV-related questions.

Let's take another.

Caller, how can I help you out today?

Hey,

I had some fines to pay off, but when I went in to pay them off, they told me I was a day late and my license was suspended.

Now I have to pay another fee to get my license unsuspended unsuspended

just so I can pay the fees on it.

I don't have that kind of money.

This is a very important issue.

I'm glad you called in.

Folks, administrative bodies are blunt instruments.

They're not lasers.

Okay, so what you want to do in this situation is use that to your advantage.

This guy at the DMV is telling you that your license is suspended, but it's not really suspended.

It's going to be suspended.

Suspension takes time.

What you want to do is find a DMV with a nighttime document drop.

Your due date may have been yesterday, but they only check the night drop on Mondays.

As far as they know, you turned in your payment on time and they'll be none the wiser.

Okay?

Casper,

they're almost ready up there.

Time to wrap it up.

Hey, folks, with any luck, we're about to return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

But before we do, there's one more person you should get to know.

Not that you really know any of us.

Gloria, get in front of the mic there.

Oh.

Okay.

Hi, Chicago.

Several other states and galaxies.

Hi.

Gloria is the one that keeps the trains running on time around here.

Without her, we would be dead or frozen in some sort of block of ice.

We've taken questions on all sorts of things today.

Maybe it's time for Gloria to answer a question.

Folks, does anyone out there have questions on how to run a restaurant?

Oh, we don't have to do that.

Nonsense.

It'll be fun.

Here we go.

Caller, what is your question for Gloria?

Hey, Gloria.

I'm finally opening the restaurant of my dreams and I'm trying to hire a chef.

What's your advice for finding a chef that isn't, for lack of a better word, insane?

Yeah.

That's a good question.

I don't know what it is about chefs.

I mean,

thank God kitchens exist because they'd be pretty intolerable in pretty much any other walk of life.

I've had chefs scream at me.

I had one arrested for throwing a bottle of of wine at me.

And there was this one guy, though, he had all sorts of OCD stuff going on.

He was the kind of guy who couldn't concentrate until he counted all the tiles on the ceiling,

that kind of stuff.

It was pretty hard to work around.

But you know what?

His weekly inventory was flawless.

And I've never seen a cleaner kitchen.

Every blessing is a curse and vice versa, I guess.

Just try and remember that you're creating a home for people.

Maybe it's only a home for about 45 minutes, but it's still a home.

And making a home is hard.

And that's probably why there are so many many bad ones.

Okay, guys, we're ready.

Time to wrap it up.

Muckle Waynes, you kicked this whole thing off, so how about you two wrap it up?

Y'all, it has been an honor and a privilege to spend time with you here today.

I don't mind saying that it brought up a pleasant memory or two for my husband and me.

It truly did, dear.

You see, it may seem hard to believe, but Effie and myself bore witness to the very first radio broadcast in the history of Arkansas.

Harvey Couch was the owner of the Light and Power Company, and while on a trip to Pennsylvania, he had a tour of KDKA, one of the very first radio stations in the world.

Old Harvey decided what was good enough for Pennsylvania was good enough for us down yonder, and he built himself a radio station.

Our local library had a radio, and Effie had it in her mind that we should go down there and hear this new world take shape right before our eyes.

I'll admit my ignorance on the topic.

I had yet to understand the use of all this radio nonsense.

What was it I said to you, dear?

If I were wanting to speak to someone afar, I felt the raising of my voice would do just fine.

Yes.

Learned my lesson that day, didn't I?

You were good to humor me, dear.

Sometimes our partners in life will go out on a wild one, and it's in our list of duties to just hold their hand without much understanding and just wait to see how it all turns out on the other end.

So there we waited at the library.

To kill time, I walked amongst the stacks.

They They'd just received a new translation of Campanella's City of the Sun, which I quickly tucked under my arm.

Folks began to file in that had not once set foot inside of a library, looking up and about like it were a cathedral.

The radio began to crackle and we all gathered around in hushed anticipation.

And then, like an angelic visitation, a man all the way over in Pine Bluff was reading us the weather report like he was sitting in the next room.

It was a simple message, nothing portentous,

and yet with that simple message, I suddenly thought of all the world's lost souls,

all those trapped in the crevasses of an intractable world,

the ones who you know you'll never reach, the ones you can feel out there in the darkness.

And we could reach them now.

We could let them know that they hadn't been forgotten.

And Effie took my hand in a way she never had before.

The look on her face was as though she was granted a vision of the future.

I hope you can all have that feeling I had that day.

The feeling of seeing the one you love be granted with purpose.

The broadcast was over as suddenly as it had begun, and Effie darted here and there throughout the library for a good hour afterwards, exiting the building with every book they could furnish about radios and waves and frequencies.

I've had many a magical day in my life, I tell you.

But all I need is that one.

Y'all, as we end our broadcast today, we want to say a hearty thank you to all who've tuned in.

To be in service to you is a service done for us.

So, with that, we say,

thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in next time for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

All right, everyone.

Okay, so now listen, it's the end of an episode of Midnight Burger, and that usually means that I recite a list of names for you.

No, no, no, no.

But here's what we're going to do.

There's a microphone right there.

We're going to start with the front row.

All of you are going to file out and as you pass the microphone, say your name.

Every single one of you.

Joe's revenge!

Are you ready?

Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by all of these people.

And their names are...

Fish cat.

No, into the microphone, into the microphone.

Hello, Fish Cat.

Jen.

Cloud?

Yeah.

Dusty.

Woo.

Cass.

Go Delilah.

Ramsey.

Yay.

Jersey.

Alex.

Woo-hoo.

Zebulon's acupuncture.

It's Cryptic Kids.

Allison.

Cat Jop.

Midnight Marty.

Colorado Beekeeper.

Marnie.

Gina.

Yay.

Source Decay

Alice Malice

Jasper aka Trick Wants Treats

Matt aka Epic 5'Z

Rita Juanita

Ritwards

Lauren Grace

Connor Marie Excellent Chuck

Anomalous Vandal Excellent Tony Tony Tony Fantastic.

Everyone's doing a great job.

Scotty.

Jesse Wolf.

Claire.

Claire.

Mary.

Mary.

Catly.

Woo.

Rollin' Tumbleburger.

Yes.

Iatos?

Yeah.

Excellent.

Lithian?

Woo!

Annalise.

Annelise.

Angelo.

Mackenzie Dina.

Spiders are cuddly.

Spiders are cuddly.

Alex, I can see my house from here.

Yay!

Gus.

Becky the techie.

Mel.

Peace Rue.

Little Stevie Pie.

Tony Fykarski.

Tess.

Karen.

Laramie.

Needs more Guinness.

Liz from Earth616.

AK, Liz Wisdom.

Yes, that's my last name.

We're doing so well.

Lastly, PJ says, what?

Shiny Fields.

Amy.

Erin, good enough.

Savannah.

Juliet, a.k.a.

Spookliette.

Andrew.

Brie.

Tamara Oliver.

Also known as Auntie Sherbo.

Auntie Terbo!

All right, one more row here.

One more row here.

Here we go.

Why not?

Cat Blackard.

Jessica Mudd.

Tina Case.

Amazing.

Dillagoose89.

Jesse.

And Potion Maestro.

Potion Maestro.

Oh, my God, we did it.

Oh, my God, we did it.

Thank you very much, everyone.

There's still food, and everybody go have a drink now.

We did it.

Yay!

You guys are all the best.

Thank you so much.

all right

pretty cool

the fable and falling network where fiction producers flourish

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